1 00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:10,142 So, matt... 2 00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:12,210 Your father and I couldn't help but notice 3 00:00:12,212 --> 00:00:15,948 Some rowdy music coming from your room yesterday. 4 00:00:15,950 --> 00:00:18,216 What's up with that? It's a little too rowdy, matt. 5 00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:20,084 Starting to remind me of your uncle theo over there. 6 00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,620 Oh, yeah? I love rowdy music. 7 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:22,821 Who you rockin' out to? Uh... 8 00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:24,556 Ah-ah-ah-ah, lemme guess... 9 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:25,824 Bizkit? What? 10 00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:27,359 It's a band, matt. Oh, 'cause you would know. 11 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,427 I would know! 12 00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:29,694 Uh...No? 13 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,563 Okay, korn? No. 14 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:32,564 System? No. 15 00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:33,565 Rammstein? No. 16 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:34,967 Slipknot? No. 17 00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:36,501 God damn, you gotta hand it to theo, deb. 18 00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:38,036 He knows a lot of bands! It's too many bands. 19 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,037 Disturbed? No. 20 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:39,972 Papa roach? No. 21 00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:42,574 Manson? Marilyn, not charles. No. 22 00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,509 What? Marilyn, not charles. 23 00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:45,844 No. Okay, a little more obscure. 24 00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:46,845 Sevendust? No. 25 00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:47,846 Deftones? No. 26 00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:48,847 Soulfly? No. 27 00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,182 Godsmack? No. 28 00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:51,516 Jesus! Alright, just tell me what you're into. 29 00:00:51,518 --> 00:00:53,918 What do you listen to? Just tell me! 30 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,320 Post malone? 31 00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:57,055 Post malone? 32 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:57,990 Yeah. 33 00:00:57,992 --> 00:01:00,192 Uhhhhhh... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 34 00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:04,262 Yeah, I think I've heard some of their shit. 35 00:01:04,264 --> 00:01:06,064 Deb, this meal is heaven. 36 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,265 Just heaven. -Really good. 37 00:01:07,267 --> 00:01:08,667 Yeah, honey. Great choice. 38 00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,402 Burger boyz usually gives me diarrhea, 39 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,671 But I can't help myself! 40 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,007 [ laughter ] -okay. 41 00:01:15,009 --> 00:01:16,408 You guys ever see that animation 42 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,811 Of homer simpson backing into the bushes? 43 00:01:18,813 --> 00:01:20,545 Uh, that's me right now! 44 00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:23,482 Yeah! Too much tmi, darby! 45 00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:26,284 [ laughter ] 46 00:01:26,286 --> 00:01:29,621 Too funny. 47 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:31,756 Hey. Sometimes, when I hear about a singer, 48 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,826 I'll refer to them as "they" like they're a band. 49 00:01:33,828 --> 00:01:35,760 There's a lot of people behind the scenes that help out. 50 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,629 Producers, engineers. So just -- 51 00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:38,963 That's why I talked about post malone 52 00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:40,298 Like he's more than one guy. 53 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:41,766 That's all. 54 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,368 He's from new york, bet you didn't you know that. 55 00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:45,770 Theo, it's alright if you don't know who post malone is. 56 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,706 I know who he -- who they are, alright?! 57 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,708 I mean, I sat here and I named a hundred bands, 58 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,510 You pussies only knew the most mainstream one! 59 00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:53,045 Hey! Theo, easy! 60 00:01:53,047 --> 00:01:55,914 Theo, do not talk about pussies at our dinner table like that! 61 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,649 Okay, this is dad's table, not yours. 62 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,518 Theo, the fact that dad entrusted me to run 63 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,120 Royal crackers says enough about whose table this is, okay? 64 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,923 The only thing you run is that stupid mouth of yours! 65 00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:06,258 You weren't entrusted to run anything, 66 00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:08,393 You took a job I didn't want because I was busy 67 00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:10,929 Touring the country makin' hits and hittin' [bleep] 68 00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:13,198 I'm sure your father wishes you were still touring 69 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,867 With that no-talent band of yours 70 00:02:14,869 --> 00:02:17,736 Instead of just sitting around here taking up space! 71 00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,672 That "no-talent band" was called taint, 72 00:02:19,674 --> 00:02:21,606 And guitar world ranked us best numetal band 73 00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:24,609 Two years in a row, so here's a sufi for each one, lady! 74 00:02:24,611 --> 00:02:25,610 Y'all need to stop fighting! 75 00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:26,879 Hey, I got an idea, 76 00:02:26,881 --> 00:02:28,747 Why don't we let dad decide whose table this is! 77 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,549 -Dad! Dad! -Dad! Dad! 78 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,617 -Dad! Dad! Dad! -Dad! Dad! Hey! 79 00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:38,356 -Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! -Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! 80 00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:45,564 ♪♪ 81 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:53,238 ♪♪ 82 00:02:53,240 --> 00:03:00,245 ♪♪ 83 00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:02,314 Stebe: Okay, everyone, first order of business... 84 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:05,717 As you all know, royal crackers' sales numbers are still down. 85 00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:07,986 But lucky for us, the first boxes 86 00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:10,122 Of our black licorice flavor have just arrived 87 00:03:10,124 --> 00:03:12,190 And we believe they could single-handedly 88 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,559 Save the company! 89 00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:18,130 Hmm! Don't mind if I do! 90 00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:19,732 [ laughter ] 91 00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:23,802 Mm. Hmm. 92 00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:25,203 ♪♪ 93 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,939 Mm. 94 00:03:26,941 --> 00:03:28,273 Meh. 95 00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:30,409 Honey, do you need some water or -- 96 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:33,145 ♪♪ 97 00:03:33,147 --> 00:03:35,347 Are you okay, stebe? 98 00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:36,548 I'm fine. 99 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,550 Oh, my god, you're bleeding! 100 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,285 They got a lot of taste. 101 00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:43,688 Delicious. 102 00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:45,423 Anyway, we have a solid product here 103 00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:47,225 That should practically sell itself -- 104 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,827 Sufi, baby! 105 00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,495 -Hey! It's theo! -Hey! 106 00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:52,097 Hey, there's my man darby! 107 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:54,299 Bakersfield's best family attorney over here! 108 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,501 Royal crackers secret handshake, ready? 109 00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:57,636 Oh, no way! 110 00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:00,305 Me? 111 00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:02,841 [bleep] 112 00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:04,109 I mean, that's just straight-up offensive. 113 00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:06,779 Hey, theo, any chance of that taint reunion tour 114 00:04:06,781 --> 00:04:08,380 Happening this summer? 115 00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:10,115 I got my hands full with my solo stuff right now. 116 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:12,117 Plus, two of those guys are dead from jack hangs. 117 00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:14,586 Ugh, can we have one meeting where we don't mention 118 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,321 Auto-erotic asphyxiation? 119 00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:18,991 I have a serious matter that needs to be discussed! 120 00:04:18,993 --> 00:04:21,259 Well, honey, I mean, jack hangs can be pretty serious -- 121 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,996 As stebe mentioned -- our sales are down, 122 00:04:23,998 --> 00:04:25,263 But more importantly, 123 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,265 We're on the brink of hitting a new low. 124 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,933 We're even at risk of falling behind 125 00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:32,004 What has traditionally been our easiest competitor -- 126 00:04:32,006 --> 00:04:34,072 "uncle dipshit's fart wafers." 127 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,874 You know, once you eat about three or four of them, 128 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,409 You kinda get used to the fart taste. 129 00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:38,811 Spit that out! 130 00:04:38,813 --> 00:04:40,545 I have to get the black licorice taste out of my mouth! 131 00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:44,349 Anyhoos, I have been doing some intense research on facebook 132 00:04:44,351 --> 00:04:46,485 And it turns out, social media is 133 00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,620 A great way to promote your product! 134 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,288 I'm proposing that we put money 135 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,290 Towards a viral marketing campaign. 136 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,493 We take to all social media platforms, 137 00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:57,962 Including facebook, to become a viral sensation. 138 00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:01,099 Well, deb, honey, I would be honored to take the reins 139 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:03,301 Of this new viral marketing campaign. 140 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,369 What?! 141 00:05:04,371 --> 00:05:06,304 Yeah, stebe, I don't think you're right for this. 142 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,172 She's right. 143 00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:08,773 We need someone fresh. 144 00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:10,108 Someone young at heart. 145 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,844 Someone who knows this, what is it? 146 00:05:11,846 --> 00:05:14,046 Facebook like the back of their hand. 147 00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:17,916 Someone who can make our company blossom into the new age. 148 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:21,386 The person we should elect is none other 149 00:05:21,388 --> 00:05:24,523 Than that who's name I will utter now. 150 00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,525 And that name is... 151 00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:28,927 Me! Head of the viral marketing campaign! 152 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:31,730 Wow, dad, can you believe it!? 153 00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,131 Oh, you like this song, huh? 154 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,333 This is off our second album, "bitch slap." 155 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:45,410 ♪♪ 156 00:05:45,412 --> 00:05:46,745 Theo! 157 00:05:46,747 --> 00:05:48,813 Theo in charge of viral marketing?! 158 00:05:48,815 --> 00:05:50,348 There was nothing we could do, deb. 159 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,750 We were outnumbered two to four. 160 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,686 No, I was outnumbered one to five 161 00:05:53,688 --> 00:05:55,420 Because you voted for yourself, you idiot! 162 00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:58,490 Even though you voted last and you had zero votes! 163 00:05:58,492 --> 00:06:01,226 Well, excuse me for loving a comeback story! 164 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:03,628 Do you and your brother even have facebooks? 165 00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:04,763 Okay. 166 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:06,431 You've got to stop saying facebook. 167 00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:07,365 Am I saying it a lot? 168 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,967 Yeah, it's weir-- it's a lot. 169 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,570 Anyway, deb, relax, it's just a viral marketing thing. 170 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:12,971 He'll make one youtube video, 171 00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:14,839 It'll go nowhere, and everyone will move on. 172 00:06:14,841 --> 00:06:17,041 But what happens if he succeeds, stebe? 173 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,843 The other board members already love him, 174 00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:20,512 Now he shows leadership skill, 175 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:23,648 Your father dies, and you get stepped over for ceo? 176 00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:24,983 And then what? 177 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:27,119 He gets dibs on your father's master bedroom? 178 00:06:27,121 --> 00:06:29,788 I will not lose out on that master bath, stebe. 179 00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,189 It has a bidet in it! 180 00:06:31,191 --> 00:06:32,725 Do you know what a bidet is! 181 00:06:32,727 --> 00:06:34,126 Yes, I know what a bidet is! 182 00:06:34,128 --> 00:06:37,129 A bidet washes out your butt hole after you crap! 183 00:06:37,131 --> 00:06:38,597 I said I know what it is. 184 00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:39,998 And I could just as well use it on my front! 185 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,034 Don't even try to stop me! 186 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,072 Deb, theo's not responsible enough 187 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,608 To be ceo of royal crackers. 188 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,809 I'm the responsible one. 189 00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:52,544 And as for his celebrity status, 190 00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:54,813 His music isn't even relevant anymore. 191 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,348 You guys think I'm washed up?! 192 00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:58,216 Well, allow me to school you posers! 193 00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,485 1998 family values tour! 194 00:07:00,487 --> 00:07:03,756 I'm talkin' lb, I'm talkin' soad, I'm talkin'... 195 00:07:03,758 --> 00:07:04,957 K! 196 00:07:04,959 --> 00:07:06,491 The hottest tour in the country! 197 00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:08,026 And I was set to be on that lineup, 198 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,494 And I would have been had it not been 199 00:07:09,496 --> 00:07:12,097 For those backstabbing pieces of shit in orgy! 200 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:15,700 [ singer screaming indistinctly ] 201 00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:18,637 [ muffled shouting ] 202 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:23,976 ♪♪ 203 00:07:23,978 --> 00:07:29,314 ♪♪ 204 00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,716 You both just made a very powerful enemy! 205 00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:34,252 I'm gonna make a viral video that's gonna go so viral, 206 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,521 The board will be begging me to become ceo. 207 00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:38,923 So with that, I've got one gift for each of you -- 208 00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:41,726 Don't... Do sufis again. 209 00:07:41,728 --> 00:07:42,661 Am I doing it too much? 210 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:46,198 [ dramatic music plays ] 211 00:08:23,037 --> 00:08:24,302 -[ gasps ] -[ gasps ] -dad! 212 00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,838 Oh, my god! Dad! Dad! 213 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:26,971 Dad! Theodore! 214 00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:29,174 Dad! Dad! 215 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,443 Dad, wake up! Get his clothes off! 216 00:08:31,445 --> 00:08:32,711 Dad! Dad! 217 00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:34,112 Wake up! Dad, wake up! 218 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:37,916 Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! 219 00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,784 Doctor: Well, I have some bad news. 220 00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,587 Your father's fallen into what we in the medical field 221 00:08:42,589 --> 00:08:43,856 Call a "super-coma." 222 00:08:43,858 --> 00:08:46,191 Or, more casually, a "suco." 223 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,060 He also suffered a pretty bad spinal injury 224 00:08:48,062 --> 00:08:49,928 When you all thrashed him around like a rag doll. 225 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,329 We were spooked. Okay? 226 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,198 Yeah. So we let our emotions get the best of us. 227 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,466 What, is that a crime now? 228 00:08:54,468 --> 00:08:56,134 What do you do when your dad has a nasty fall? 229 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,537 You go like this? "hmm." 230 00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:00,539 Look, guys. He goes like this, look, look. 231 00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:01,339 "hmm." 232 00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:02,741 [ laughter ] that's funny. 233 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,543 Okay, clearly you're all still very upset. 234 00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:07,913 Maybe it's best I come back when you've all calmed down. 235 00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:14,286 ♪♪ 236 00:09:14,288 --> 00:09:16,821 [ thinking ] I don't act like that when my dad falls! 237 00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:19,091 ♪♪ 238 00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:25,831 Well, I certainly hope you're proud of yourself, theo. 239 00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:28,700 Proud of what? The $5 footlong in my underwear? 240 00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:29,634 No, you idiot, 241 00:09:29,636 --> 00:09:31,970 For putting your father in a suco! 242 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:33,038 You're blaming me for that? 243 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,973 Guys! This is getting us nowhere! 244 00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:37,376 Look, I'd really hate to bring this up now but... 245 00:09:37,378 --> 00:09:39,778 If mr. Hornsby is really on his last leg, 246 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,246 Then we need to start talking about 247 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,714 His last will and testament. 248 00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:44,983 He -- he has a last will and testament? 249 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,918 In a safety deposit box across town. 250 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,187 It details everything. 251 00:09:48,189 --> 00:09:51,923 Who the company goes to, who gets the house. 252 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,860 Should I go get it? 253 00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:57,462 Yeah, yes. Go get it. W-we're not scared. 254 00:09:57,464 --> 00:09:59,531 Yeah, I mean if it says what dad truly wanted 255 00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:00,799 For his estate upon his death? 256 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,401 Why would that scare me? Honestly? 257 00:10:02,403 --> 00:10:03,402 It doesn't scare me at all. 258 00:10:03,404 --> 00:10:04,669 Yeah, it shouldn't. 259 00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:06,337 My -- my dad loved you like a daughter. 260 00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:08,473 He also loved me, that's why I'm not scared. 261 00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:10,876 I mean, do we live in a society where love 262 00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:12,611 Is something to be scared of now? 263 00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:14,145 Is that where we're at in this country? 264 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,615 Exactly. Yeah. I'm not even that scared, tbh. 265 00:10:16,617 --> 00:10:18,149 Like -- like, on a scale of 1 to 10? 266 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,685 I'd put my scared level at like a 2, tops. 267 00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:23,022 Well, I'm at a 9 just 'cause I'm scared about losing my dad. 268 00:10:23,024 --> 00:10:25,224 Oh, yeah, no, I-I'm at an 11 when it comes to that. 269 00:10:25,226 --> 00:10:27,893 Oh, really? 'cause you just said you're at a 2, asshole! 270 00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:30,029 I'm clearly more scared about losing dad than you are! 271 00:10:30,031 --> 00:10:31,296 Bull[bleep] 272 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,699 ♪♪ 273 00:10:33,701 --> 00:10:34,833 Matt. 274 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:37,636 Matt! Get your fat balls in here. 275 00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:38,904 Do you know how to work a dv camera? 276 00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:41,907 Uh, I guess. Why are you doing this? 277 00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,374 Oh, my god, matt, 278 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:44,976 Because if this viral video is successful, 279 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,511 I'll prove myself to the other board members 280 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:47,713 Before your grandpa dies! 281 00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,514 Then I'll force a vote, become ceo, 282 00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:50,849 And make your asshole parents 283 00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:52,651 Work the mailroom for the rest of their lives! 284 00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:56,521 No, I mean, like, why don't you just shoot this on your phone? 285 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,057 'cause it has to look professional! 286 00:10:58,059 --> 00:11:00,659 I want it to look just as good on a freakin' big screen! 287 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,393 You think people wanna exclusively watch videos 288 00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:03,462 On their phone? 289 00:11:03,464 --> 00:11:04,463 Why don't you ask quibi? 290 00:11:04,465 --> 00:11:06,065 Oh, wait, you can't. 291 00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:07,799 Well, yeah, b-- 292 00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,935 Because they went out of business. 293 00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:14,273 Right, but -- in the year 2020. 294 00:11:14,275 --> 00:11:16,408 I think -- 'cause they thought it'd be a good idea 295 00:11:16,410 --> 00:11:18,677 To shoot videos exclusively for the phone. 296 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:19,945 Alright, it's recording. 297 00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:21,480 Make sure you get the background, too, 298 00:11:21,482 --> 00:11:22,747 They need to see all the cool crap in my room. 299 00:11:22,749 --> 00:11:24,349 You ready? -Uhh, yeah. 300 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,152 Okay, say "action." 301 00:11:27,154 --> 00:11:28,487 Say action! Action. 302 00:11:28,489 --> 00:11:31,356 Hey, twitterworld, it's your boy theo hornsby here -- 303 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,692 Frontman of the legendary rock band taint! 304 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:35,694 You know, I've had to face some pretty tough challenges 305 00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:37,296 In my life, from losing two bandmates 306 00:11:37,298 --> 00:11:40,299 To botched jack hangs to being bumped from woodstock '99 307 00:11:40,301 --> 00:11:41,767 For poor results from my physical. 308 00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:44,303 But I'm here to take on my toughest challenge yet, 309 00:11:44,305 --> 00:11:47,172 "the royal cracker challenge," where I'm gonna try and eat 310 00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:50,375 An entire box of royal crackers within 10 seconds! 311 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,777 I'm asking y'all to do the same 312 00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:54,313 And tag three friends to take on the crackers! 313 00:11:54,315 --> 00:11:56,447 I challenge dwayne "the rock" johnson, 314 00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:59,584 Joe rogan, and my man ninja! 315 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:03,255 So without further ado, let's start the clock! 316 00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:10,129 [ thinking ] alright, darby. 317 00:12:10,131 --> 00:12:12,131 Now let's get this will back to the office, 318 00:12:12,133 --> 00:12:14,265 And we'll have finished a hard day's work. 319 00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,067 You should be proud of yourself. 320 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,537 You don't practice enough self-love these days. 321 00:12:18,539 --> 00:12:20,839 Maybe you should get back into meditation. 322 00:12:22,143 --> 00:12:23,408 Oh, no. 323 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,010 No, no, no, no, no. 324 00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:27,346 You know what burger boyz does to your stomach. 325 00:12:27,348 --> 00:12:29,815 You're on the clock right now, not a good idea. 326 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:33,685 Why don't you reward yourself after you drop the will off? 327 00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:37,422 Yeah. That's a good idea. 328 00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:39,691 Yeah, can I get six burger boy burgers 329 00:12:39,693 --> 00:12:42,594 With extra diarrhe-- er, extra cheese? 330 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:47,699 Darby blarchardt's office, how may I help you? 331 00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,701 [ screams ] 332 00:12:49,703 --> 00:12:51,503 Darby, what is going on!? 333 00:12:51,505 --> 00:12:53,905 Burger boyz! That's what! 334 00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:55,507 [ toilet seat thuds ] 335 00:12:55,509 --> 00:12:57,242 [ zipper unzips ] 336 00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:58,309 Whew. 337 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,912 Wha-- no, no! 338 00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,982 I need something to read! 339 00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:06,051 Don't you have your phone? That's not real reading, 340 00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:10,522 Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! 341 00:13:10,524 --> 00:13:13,058 God damn it, I've read these already! 342 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,398 Aw, come on! What the hell, man? 343 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:20,599 Darby: I'm sorry! 344 00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:23,068 ♪♪ 345 00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:25,804 Al? Rachel? We called this meeting today 346 00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:28,540 Because our company is in a dire situation. 347 00:13:28,542 --> 00:13:30,542 Our current ceo, my father, 348 00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:32,010 Has just fallen into a super-coma. 349 00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,545 Oh, no. Oh, no. Not a suco! 350 00:13:33,547 --> 00:13:35,480 Truth be told, we just don't think 351 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,549 Theo has it in him to succeed 352 00:13:37,551 --> 00:13:39,084 With this viral marketing campaign. 353 00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:41,953 It's okay, you made a mistake voting for him. 354 00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:43,555 It's water under the bridge. 355 00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:45,624 Oh, I think theo will do a fine j-- 356 00:13:45,626 --> 00:13:46,958 Shut up, al! 357 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,693 You've entrusted the fate of this company 358 00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:51,630 To a washed-up rocker who wouldn't know a viral video 359 00:13:51,632 --> 00:13:53,765 If it bit him on the [bleep] 360 00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:55,500 I will have a bidet 361 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:59,905 To wash my asshole out after I crap. 362 00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:02,774 ♪♪ 363 00:14:02,776 --> 00:14:05,444 Deb and I have prepared a presentation 364 00:14:05,446 --> 00:14:07,446 That will lay out a new marketing campaign 365 00:14:07,448 --> 00:14:11,382 That will rebrand us for a more successful future. 366 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:14,720 Years ago, theodore hornsby sr. Started this company 367 00:14:14,722 --> 00:14:16,922 With one wheat garden and a small kitchen 368 00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:19,658 In the back of a chinese opium den. 369 00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:21,260 He put all his efforts into crafting 370 00:14:21,262 --> 00:14:23,128 The perfect saltine cracker. 371 00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:25,064 And from that, he built an empire 372 00:14:25,066 --> 00:14:27,066 That expanded across the nation. 373 00:14:27,068 --> 00:14:29,400 Sadly, his mind started to go. 374 00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:32,337 He could no longer keep conscious during meetings. 375 00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:34,005 Innovation stopped. 376 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,808 We stopped trying to understand the evolving palate of america. 377 00:14:36,810 --> 00:14:39,411 A company that once made america's favorite saltine 378 00:14:39,413 --> 00:14:42,147 Has become a relic of a bygone era. 379 00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:43,214 Until now. 380 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,751 We've see our mistakes. We've listened. 381 00:14:45,753 --> 00:14:48,153 Everyone loves a comeback story. 382 00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:50,089 And this is ours. 383 00:14:50,091 --> 00:14:51,623 Royal crackers. 384 00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:54,626 It's time for change. 385 00:14:54,628 --> 00:14:56,662 Wonderful! Just wonderful! 386 00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:00,832 Ugh, great. 387 00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:02,634 Looks like every media outlet in bakersfield 388 00:15:02,636 --> 00:15:04,103 Found out about the suco. 389 00:15:04,105 --> 00:15:06,505 Just look at 'em. They don't even care about him. 390 00:15:06,507 --> 00:15:10,175 Just clamoring for their little scoop on who the next ceo is. 391 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:11,510 Heartless vultures. 392 00:15:11,512 --> 00:15:13,512 Yeah, little do they know they could have just stayed home 393 00:15:13,514 --> 00:15:14,846 And watched our new tv ad. 394 00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:16,315 It would have made it pretty clear 395 00:15:16,317 --> 00:15:18,783 Who's siphoning control from my father's lifeless hands. 396 00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:20,051 Freakin' vultures. 397 00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,120 Five million views, baby! 398 00:15:21,122 --> 00:15:22,721 That's how many people have watched 399 00:15:22,723 --> 00:15:24,723 The royal crackers challenge! The what? 400 00:15:24,725 --> 00:15:27,058 Not only are royal crackers sales blowing up, 401 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,794 But I am back in the spotlight. 402 00:15:28,796 --> 00:15:30,796 People everywhere are gonna be kissin' my [bleep] 403 00:15:30,798 --> 00:15:32,397 For a taint reunion tour! 404 00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:33,999 Which, by the way, will be clean 405 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:37,002 Because of the butthole washer in my new master bathroom! 406 00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:39,938 ♪♪ 407 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:43,474 Announcer: This is a breaking news report from cvm. 408 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,145 Good evening, I'm clair bailey with breaking news -- 409 00:15:46,147 --> 00:15:48,613 A pandemic of choking deaths has ravaged the nation 410 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,950 After an online video called "the royal crackers challenge" 411 00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,352 Went viral this week. 412 00:15:53,354 --> 00:15:55,887 The video was created by one of two heirs 413 00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:57,288 To the royal crackers fortune, 414 00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:00,559 Former taint frontman theo hornsby jr. 415 00:16:00,561 --> 00:16:04,163 The video challenges youtubers and social media influencers 416 00:16:04,165 --> 00:16:06,631 To eat an entire box of royal crackers 417 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,233 In under 10 seconds. 418 00:16:08,235 --> 00:16:10,369 What the [bleep] dude? She's talking over the whole thing! 419 00:16:10,371 --> 00:16:12,504 Due to the crackers being borderline inedible 420 00:16:12,506 --> 00:16:15,440 And hornsby jr. Being a washed-up laughing stock, 421 00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:18,577 The video quickly became an ironic viral sensation. 422 00:16:18,579 --> 00:16:20,179 Bro! Have you seen this video? 423 00:16:20,181 --> 00:16:22,447 Who even remembers the band taint? 424 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:25,851 This guy is so sad, you just feel so bad for him! 425 00:16:25,853 --> 00:16:27,386 What a joke this guy is! 426 00:16:27,388 --> 00:16:29,921 It was all fun and games until every video 427 00:16:29,923 --> 00:16:32,391 Took a turn for the worst. 428 00:16:32,393 --> 00:16:37,062 [ choking ] 429 00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:39,198 Among the list of celebrity casualties -- 430 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:43,802 Dwayne "the rock" johnson, joe rogan, and ninja. 431 00:16:43,804 --> 00:16:46,938 Authorities are tight-lipped, but suggest foreign objects 432 00:16:46,940 --> 00:16:49,208 Found in the crackers may be to blame. 433 00:16:49,210 --> 00:16:52,811 Foreign objects? What foreign objects? 434 00:16:52,813 --> 00:16:54,746 I can't! I can't! 435 00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:55,814 Ninja! 436 00:16:55,816 --> 00:16:58,083 ♪♪ 437 00:16:58,085 --> 00:16:59,551 Hi, I'm stebe hornsby! 438 00:16:59,553 --> 00:17:01,086 And I'm deb hornsby! 439 00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:03,755 As the ceo in-waiting and rightful heir 440 00:17:03,757 --> 00:17:06,291 To the royal crackers fortune, we want to give something back. 441 00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:09,360 A thank you for allowing us into your pantries 442 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,162 And onto your dinner tables. 443 00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:13,232 So starting this week, royal crackers is tossing 444 00:17:13,234 --> 00:17:16,167 A handful of loose change into every box! 445 00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:17,836 Think of it as retribution 446 00:17:17,838 --> 00:17:20,572 For not having your support over the years. 447 00:17:20,574 --> 00:17:21,907 Royal crackers. 448 00:17:21,909 --> 00:17:23,508 There's some [bleep] change inside. 449 00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:24,776 [ horse whinnies ] 450 00:17:24,778 --> 00:17:27,780 [ flatline ] 451 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:33,018 [ murmuring ] 452 00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:37,256 Welp, I hope you all like your assholes dirty 453 00:17:37,258 --> 00:17:39,324 Because now none of us are gonna get the bidet. 454 00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:40,592 Who cares, deb! 455 00:17:40,594 --> 00:17:42,861 No one's ever buying a box of royal crackers again! 456 00:17:42,863 --> 00:17:44,596 For god's sake, we killed ninja! 457 00:17:44,598 --> 00:17:46,865 Hey, guys. I got here as fast as I could. 458 00:17:46,867 --> 00:17:48,867 Do you think I could talk to him alone? 459 00:17:48,869 --> 00:17:49,868 No weird stuff. 460 00:17:49,870 --> 00:17:52,137 Yeah. Go ahead. 461 00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:56,141 ♪♪ 462 00:17:56,143 --> 00:17:57,809 Hey, theo? 463 00:17:57,811 --> 00:17:59,744 C-can I ask you a question? 464 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,080 W-why don't you ever ask me 465 00:18:01,082 --> 00:18:03,148 To do the royal crackers secret handshake? 466 00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:05,884 I don't know. Doesn't seem like something you'd wanna do. 467 00:18:05,886 --> 00:18:08,353 I do want to. Badly. 468 00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:10,021 Everyone in our company looks up to you. 469 00:18:10,023 --> 00:18:11,422 You know how much it would mean to them to see me 470 00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,024 Get to shake hands with the super cool 471 00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:14,359 Theo hornsby jr.? 472 00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:16,027 Everyone lights up when you walk into that room. 473 00:18:16,029 --> 00:18:17,428 That's why we worried when you got 474 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,498 The viral marketing campaign, theo. 475 00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:21,032 Everyone loves you. 476 00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:23,502 They put up with stebe. My husband. 477 00:18:23,504 --> 00:18:26,237 But, you guys, I've got years of stage time. 478 00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:28,373 Honing the craft of captivating an audience. 479 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:31,710 Don't forget -- I've opened for papa roach, for god's sake. 480 00:18:31,712 --> 00:18:34,045 Yeah, that's big. But you know what? 481 00:18:34,047 --> 00:18:35,914 I can't run a company on my own. 482 00:18:35,916 --> 00:18:37,849 That's why we need each other. 483 00:18:37,851 --> 00:18:39,050 We're sorry, theo. 484 00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:42,087 Come on, bring it in here, guys. 485 00:18:44,792 --> 00:18:46,291 Mm. 486 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:53,332 Mm, mm, mm. 487 00:18:58,005 --> 00:19:00,205 [ sighs ] mr. Hornsby? 488 00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:03,142 There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just get right to it. 489 00:19:03,144 --> 00:19:05,344 I wiped my ass with your will. 490 00:19:05,346 --> 00:19:07,212 I know that sounds crazy, but... 491 00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:09,348 I was in the midst of a burger boyz shit blizzard. 492 00:19:09,350 --> 00:19:11,216 You know what burger boyz does to my stomach. 493 00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:12,483 But I just can't help myself. 494 00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,019 It's just too good. So shoot me. 495 00:19:14,021 --> 00:19:15,286 [bleep] kill me. Call the man. 496 00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:17,088 Anyway, I had to read something 497 00:19:17,090 --> 00:19:19,758 While I was on the toilet, so I grabbed your will. 498 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,961 And I just -- I got mixed up... 499 00:19:22,963 --> 00:19:24,696 And I wiped with the wrong paper. 500 00:19:24,698 --> 00:19:26,365 And of course at that point, 501 00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:28,367 I had no other choice but to flush it. 502 00:19:28,369 --> 00:19:30,235 You know what, I blame you for making it 503 00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:32,904 Such a compelling read, you know with the big plot twist 504 00:19:32,906 --> 00:19:34,239 Where you sell off all your assets 505 00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:36,041 And give the money to matt. 506 00:19:36,043 --> 00:19:38,643 I'm so sorry, mr. Hornsby. 507 00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:40,445 Your will is gone. 508 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:42,914 I guess the board is just going to have to elect 509 00:19:42,916 --> 00:19:45,384 Stebe or theo to ceo... 510 00:19:45,386 --> 00:19:49,054 ♪♪ 511 00:19:49,056 --> 00:19:52,791 [ monitor beeping steadily ] 512 00:19:52,793 --> 00:19:55,294 Guys, you are not gonna believe this. 513 00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:03,001 Ladies and gentleman, this week, as you all know, 514 00:20:03,003 --> 00:20:05,670 Our father and acting ceo of royal crackers, 515 00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:08,807 Theodore hornsby sr., had a tragic accident 516 00:20:08,809 --> 00:20:10,275 And fell into a suco. 517 00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:13,011 Under the supervision of my brother and I, 518 00:20:13,013 --> 00:20:14,880 Royal crackers was single-handedly responsible 519 00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:18,016 For the deaths of thousands of influencers across the globe. 520 00:20:18,018 --> 00:20:19,284 It was caused by a lapse 521 00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:21,486 In communication within our company. 522 00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:24,489 But more importantly, our family. 523 00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:27,092 But today, we are here to announce... 524 00:20:27,094 --> 00:20:31,563 That theodore hornsby sr. Is back, alive and well! 525 00:20:31,565 --> 00:20:34,633 As for all the influencers and youtube personalities 526 00:20:34,635 --> 00:20:37,102 That are now dead, sorry. 527 00:20:37,104 --> 00:20:38,703 Sorry about that. You'll just -- 528 00:20:38,705 --> 00:20:41,040 You're gonna have to start over with those. 529 00:20:41,042 --> 00:20:43,041 But! From this day forth, 530 00:20:43,043 --> 00:20:45,110 We, under the supervision of our father, 531 00:20:45,112 --> 00:20:46,511 Will work hand in hand 532 00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:49,180 To right the wrongs of these last few days. 533 00:20:49,182 --> 00:20:53,585 Is that a good enough apology for you? 534 00:20:53,587 --> 00:20:55,186 -Yeah. -Yeah, sure. 535 00:20:55,188 --> 00:20:58,857 -That works for me, yeah. -I'm good with that, yeah. 536 00:20:58,859 --> 00:21:02,594 Hey, who wants to see the royal crackers secret handshake? 537 00:21:03,063 --> 00:21:04,897 [bleep] [ reporters gasp ] 538 00:21:05,733 --> 00:21:08,734 G ] 539 00:21:08,736 --> 00:21:15,874 ♪♪ 540 00:21:15,876 --> 00:21:23,082 ♪♪