♪♪
Idios mío!
♪♪
[ rumbling ]
Raven! No!
♪♪
[ rumbling continues ]
♪♪
Raven!
Uh! Uh!
Raven!
♪♪
Aah!
♪♪
So as you all know, my nephew blake is still pretty sick,
And now his mother can no longer pay for his treatment.
I'm late.
Ahh!
Anyway, I started a website
Where you can easily make a contribution of any size --
Oh, what? My outfit?
Alright, if you're gonna hassle me about it
I'll spill the beans.
You're no longer looking at stebe hornsby.
You're looking at showbiz stebe hornsby.
'cause I just landed the biggest brand integration deal
In our company's history. This fall, royal crackers
Will be featured on an episode of "casa de papa,"
The biggest sitcom in latin america.
We hornsbys have been invited to watch the live studio taping
In beautiful, sunny...
Burbank. [ employees gasp ]
Burbank?! The mecca of show business?!
-Surely you jest. -I'm so jealous right now.
Oh, my god. Stebe! We've been dreaming
About a burbank vacation since we were teenagers!
But, one day, life takes over, and suddenly it's not so easy
To hop onto I-5 and cruise on down to the 'bank.
Look, don't wanna brag, but unlike you civilians,
I've been to burbank.
And even if stebe is a super-cool
Hollywood producer now, we can't roll into that place
Driving that rust bucket of ours.
We'll be laughed at.
This is jay leno country we're talking about here.
He's right. Yeah.
Ooh. Why don't we rent a car, stebe?
Like a hummer.
Then we can fit the whole family.
You, me, theo, matt, our luggage,
Your dad.
Don't you think he'd want to see his son
Become the new harvey weinstein?
Hey. My cousin ray is the manager down at rent-a-whip.
He can give us a great deal on a hummer.
Let me take care of it. Well...
Was gonna have pacino drop off the private jet
But I guess I can call it off.
[ laughter ]
Our resident court jester over here. Oh, stebe.
♪♪
Where's darby with his hummer?
I swear to god if we don't get there before the ikea closes,
I'm gonna lose my shit.
It's been over 9 minutes.
Should we call the police?
Have you lost your mind? Don't even talk like that.
You know the rule in this family --
No cops...Ever.
Hey, there he is.
[ up-tempo music plays ]
♪♪
[ tires screech ]
[ vehicle rattling ]
Darby, what is this?
Where's the hummer, darby?
I got to thinking. A hummer is nice and all.
But I seem to remember you boys
Telling me about a certain car you've been dreaming
About since you were dick high --
A 1996 dodge viper.
Darby, that's a saturn.
No, it's not.
That's definitely a saturn.
It says "saturn" on it. No, it --
Th-- this is the viper you've always wanted.
It's not, darby.
Our dream car is a red '96 dodge viper.
The one that was offered
As a mcdonald's monopoly prize in '95.
We spent an entire summer trying to find
That goddamn atlantic avenue piece.
Only to find out that the whole game was scammed
By some asshole in florida,
As explained in the documentary "super size me."
My brother's right.
Except he's citing the wrong documentary.
He's thinking of "mcmillions" on hbo max.
We shoved fast food down our fat gullets
Every single day trying to win that car.
You have any idea what kinda toll that
Takes on the human body, darby?
Watch "super size me" to find out.
The point of the hummer was that our luggage
And the whole family could fit.
Now someone has to stay here.
You may have caused a suicide here.
You do realize that, don't you?
You know what, darb? Now that my father
Has to miss out on burbank,
You're gonna take care of him and the house.
There better not be as much as a scratch on his dick
When we get back.
Or the house. Uh...
Theo, it -- it kinda means the world to me
That dad comes on the trip.
I-I love you,
But can you maybe skip burbank this weekend?
Please?
For me? That depends.
Can you handle coming home to my shit-covered corpse
Hanging in your bedroom?
Bye.
Have a good trip.
Well, theodore,
Looks like we're in for another one
Of our classic [bleep] boy weekends.
♪♪
Wish I could go back to '95 and pull that off.
♪♪
[ thud ]
[ laughs ]
Oh, my god, that's the soundstage
For "straight goofin.'"
And there's "just in the knick of tim."
Um, I could get used to this.
This is hard to explain, but...
I feel like I was always meant to be here,
Like I'm finally home.
Excuse me. You lost?
W-we didn't do anything.
We thought about going on the set of "bar buddies"
To take a picture as though it was a real bar,
But then keen-eyed fans of the show
Would see that we were actually on the set of "bar buddies."
But we didn't. We didn't do that.
I swear to god we didn't.
Wait a minute.
I recognize that voice.
You are stebe hornsby, yes?
Yeah. That's right.
Who's askin', jack?
Señor hornsby, it's me.
Juan-carlos pozole.
Executive producer on "casa de papa."
We met over zoom, remember? Oh.
How's it going, mr. Pozole?
Call me juan-carlos.
Listen, I'm on my way to the set right now.
Why don't you hop on? And I'll drive you there.
Delete the "bar buddies" pics...
Immediately.
[ up-tempo music plays ]
Ha. Well, we're off to a fantastic start.
Remember this? I did this little number
At the company christmas party last year,
And everyone got so freaked out
They put me on medical leave for a month.
Ha ha!
[ ominous music plays ]
Joey, there's a full dance crew tearing it up in there.
What? The house was supposed to be empty.
[ darby laughing ]
Ah, man, maybe we should leave.
I don't wanna go back to jail.
I-I mean, how do we know the chalice is even in there?
What if this theo guy took it with him to burbank?
Not a chance.
You heard what the traveler said.
It only leaves his house when he's on tour.
Calls it his "stage cup."
Okay. And what do you want to do
About those five phenomenal dancers in there?
I don't know, danny.
But the traveler gave us a job,
And if we don't deliver, there'll be hell to pay.
I ain't leaving here without that golden chalice.
Then every wiseguy in bakersfield's
Gonna wanna hire the earl grey bandits.
[ speak spanish ]
[ speaking spanish ]
[ whistle! Boing! ]
[ laughter ]
Alright. Cut! [ bell rings ]
[ laughs ] this is awesome.
I don't even need to know spanish
'cause the studio audience tells me when to laugh.
Hey, how are my v.I.P.S doing over here?
You enjoying the show? Sure.
But what I'm not enjoying is this cucumber water.
I specifically requested half sparkling, half still.
This is all sparkling.
My throat is on fire right now.
My sincerest apologies, mr. Hornsby.
I'll have my assistant bring you another.
Stebe, I want to jump your freaking bones right now.
Save it for the burbank holiday inn jacuzzi, babe.
Ohhh!
Holy shit. There it is.
Ooooh. Logo facing out.
Was part of the deal.
♪♪
[ gasps ]
Theo?! Deb?!
Can you help me in here?!
Hey, danny. He's foolin' us.
There ain't nobody in there.
Think about it, brain bath.
These people just took a trip to burbank.
That means they're showbiz royalty.
Probably got access to holograms to make it
Look like there was a dance party going on.
The guy in there? He's scared.
And he's all alone.
We pull this off and play our cards right,
Maybe one day, we'll be able to drive down to burbank.
Theodore. I think there's burglars outside.
What do we do?
Oh, no. No!
This is not the time for that "no police" mentality of yours.
These guys could be dangerous.
[ dialing ]
♪♪
But I swore to you when you fell into your sleep state
That I'd always take care of your family and keep them happy.
Well, I failed today.
I made them sad by renting that ugly-ass car
From rent-a-whip.
Fine. We'll defend this house ourselves.
[ laughter ]
[ speaking spanish ]
...Royal crackers.
[ speaking spanish ]
Yuck!
[ laughter ]
[ laughs ] [ audience gasps ]
Oooooh! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[ sniffing ]
[ speaking spanish ]
[ laughter ] ohh!
[ speaking spanish ]
[ laughter ]
[ both laugh ]
[ gulping ]
Can't get enough, can you, tío pepe?
[ speaks spanish ]
[ farts ] [ audience "ohhs" ]
[ farts ]
Huh? [ laughter ]
[ groans ] ay.
Ay. [ farts ]
[ whistle! Boing! ]
[ laughter ] oooh!
[ applause ] [ farting ]
Ay. Oh. Oh! [ farting ]
Uh. Ohhhh!
[ thud ]
[ farting ] ooh, ooh, ooh.
Iay-yi-yi!
He must have eaten something earlier
That doesn't agree with him.
[ groaning ]
The royal crackers are making me feel sick.
What the hell? He speaks english now?
Royal crackers. [ laughter ]
Royal crackers!
[ farting ]
[ rock music plays ]
♪♪
[ "carol of the bells" plays, man beatboxing ]
♪♪
Darby: Y'all picked the wrong house today!
[ suspenseful music plays ]
Showtime.
Steps feel a little sticky.
[ panting ]
[ gun cocks ]
[ sizzling ]
♪♪
Come and get me, losers.
[ gasping ]
[ grunts ]
[ panting ]
[ gun cocks ]
[ glass shattering ]
I don't have any more plans.
[ punch lands ]
[ farting ] ohh-ah!
[ speaking spanish ]
[ farts ] uhh!
[ whistle! Boing! ]
[ laughter ]
Uh, excuse me. M-mr. Pozole?
Hey, hey. Señor hornsby.
The water was not too sparkly, I hope?
The water was always delicious.
I was just trying to impress my wife.
The problem is that you've got a character sick and in pain
Because he ate my father's crackers.
I know it does not look good right now, but I promise --
You'll be very happy with how the story wraps up.
[ groans ]
Ay. Ay.
[ sighs ] okay, thank you, mr. Pozole.
[ sighs ]
Ay, gracias. Ay, gracias.
[ farting ] ohhh!
[ laughter ]
[ toilet flushes, tío pepe grunting ]
[ glass shattering ]
[ danny and joey grunting, door opens ]
Hey, be careful!
I got deb that venetian cabinet for her birthday.
Joey, I've gone through the taint guy's room
Three times now. It ain't in there.
God damn it!
[ thud, glass shatters ]
Hey, man. Those are 100% cotton king-sized pillows.
Stebe gets groggy if he sleeps on anything else.
[ danny grunts, crash ]
Oh, don't even get me started on theo's jack towels.
Hey, hey. No. You don't wanna go in there.
Trust me.
♪ hey, you ♪ ♪ hey, you ♪
[ woman singing in japanese ]
♪♪
♪ hey, you ♪ ♪ hey, you ♪
What was in there? Huh?
Nothing.
I-I don't wanna talk about it.
Hey, I tried to warn you, dude.
Alright, I give up.
The numetal guy's goblet with the ruby in it.
Where is it? Theo's stage cup?
Ha. I know exactly where it is.
But you can kiss my wrinkly nuts
If you think I'm gonna tell you.
Watch it, pal.
You're messing with the earl grey bandits.
[ cellphone chimes ] it's the traveler.
She's here.
[ heavy metal music plays ]
♪♪
Hey, the '90s called.
They want their sensibilities back.
I'm the traveler.
Years ago, I answered a casting call
To be an extra in taint's music video
For the song "loose lips" off of their second album.
That day, I wore the golden chalice around my neck
To look cool.
It looked so cool, in fact, that during his performance,
Theo hornsby jr. Dove into the crowd
And ripped it right off my neck
So he could take a swig for the camera.
And he never gave it back.
I've traveled a long time to get here, darby blarchardt.
So stop wasting any more of it and tell me
Where the golden chalice of colo-colo is.
Uhh!
Th-- third. What did you say?
"loose lips" was off their third album.
Poser!
Okay.
We do this the fun way.
[ audience crying ]
[ speaking spanish ]
♪♪
...Horrible royal crackers.
[ crying ]
♪♪
[ punches landing ]
♪♪
[ cheers and applause ]
Director: Cut! [ bell rings ]
Oh, that's it.
Hey. Asshole.
You said I was gonna be happy with this ending.
And I'm not happy.
And I would know. I'm very in touch with my emotions.
Stebe. You were upset
That the crackers were hurting tío pepe,
And now he is dead.
Would you rather see the character suffer?
No. I wanna see him eat the crackers and say,
"hey, these are pretty good."
That'd be a great scene.
And I'm not even a writer.
Why are you being such a whiny bitch about this, bro?
There was nothing in the deal
About a character shitting himself to death
After eating my father's crackers, you dickhead.
[ audience gasps ]
[ farts ]
[ punch lands, darby grunts ]
You ready to talk?
Or do we need to take this up a notch?
[ groans ]
Joey, go out to the van and grab
The "garden state" soundtrack.
No! Enough!
I'll tell you where it is.
It's in the dishwasher downstairs.
You...
Ran an ancient artifact with magical powers
Through a dishwasher?
Theo's never washed the damn thing.
He could get sick.
Here you go, boss.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Sorry I had to rough you up.
Well, it might be a minute before I can accept that.
The path to forgiveness can be a long and windy road,
But you know what I've learned?
Forgiveness -- it's not for the other person.
It's for you. We'll be out of your way now.
We just wanna leave you with our calling card.
C-calling card?
[ thud ]
Wh-- no! No!
Don't do it. No.
Now you find out why they call us...
Don't you do it, you sons of bitches!
...The earl grey bandits.
Ha ha ha.
Yeah!
[ laughs ]
[ gasps ] no, no.
[ laughing ]
No. No. [ laughs ]
You teabag me before you teabag theodore.
You teabag me!
Aah! Aah! Ow! Ow!
♪♪
Run!
[ both panting ]
You teabag me!
[ tires screeching ]
Mr. Hornsby. Don't go anywhere.
I'm getting that goddamn stage cup back.
♪♪
[ evil laughter ]
[ gasps ]
♪♪
How are you keeping steady on those rollerblades?
They got brakes, mother [bleep].
Aah! Aah!
Aaaahh!
Oh. Aaaahhh!
♪♪
[ thud ]
[ tires screeching ]
♪♪
Aah!
I think we lost him.
[ grunts ]
♪♪
Oh, no, you don't, bitch.
Mine!
♪♪
Give. Me.
My. Chalice.
♪♪
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
[ horn honks ]
[ indistinct conversations ]
♪♪
Where the heck am I?
[ coins clink ]
Hey. Love those blades, man.
Hot.
[ laughs ]
The chalice warps you to the year 1995.
Oh-ho-ho, darby.
What kind of crazy junk are we about to get into?
Holy shit.
I mean, I'm still not seeing the problem, stebe.
I thought that storyline was hilarious.
Like my man rogan says, funny is funny.
Honey, you're looking at it all wrong.
"casa de papa" made royal crackers
Look like the greatest laxative in the world.
Do you know how many people suffer from constipation
On a day-to-day basis?
Not latinos.
Those guys are shitting constantly down there.
[ sighs ] I'm sorry, guys.
But nothing is gonna cheer me up for a long time.
♪♪
[ gasps ]
♪♪
What the hell? It's the middle of June.
Dad? That you under that bow?
Hey, what's this?
♪♪
Together: A '96 dodge viper!
You did it, darby. You really did it.
Oh, darby, you did it again.
What did you get up to while we were away, darb?
Well, let's just say "mcmillions"
Is one hell of a documentary.
[ laughter ]
♪♪
Theo: Darby?! Did you wash my stage cup?!
Nish ]
♪♪
Chirp.