So then I thought, "why should I write a freakin' essay
When y'all can just go straight to my channel, zanepranks,
And watch me pull some of the sickest pranks on the internet?"
That a good enough "passion" for you?
[ cheers and applause ]
Yes! Yes!
My man zane knows how to throw a wrench in the system.
You've got a fan up here, zane.
Don't forget it, brah.
Alrighty, next up we have...
Ugh!
...Matt hornsby.
Uh...
"my passion, by matt hornsby."
[ sighs ]
"every day after school, I run home
To play my favorite computer game, craftopia.
I've been playing for a year now with my friend donutfart69.
Donut's server can support up to 50 players.
It's just the two of us right now, but that's okay.
Together, we built the entire world from the ground up.
It has a big farm with cows, pigs, sheeps, and goats.
The harvest keeps our villagers nice and fed.
They live in a big town that we built for them.
At first, they kept getting eaten by forest ogres."
[ munch! Munch! Munch! Munch! Munch! Munch! Munch! ]
"but ever since we built the city wall,
They've become a thriving community.
We've still got a lot of work to do.
We're building a new super castle,
Where we can both live and watch over our empire.
It's a lot of work.
But it's nice to have something to look forward to."
[ sighs ]
[ laughter ]
Craftopia? I haven't played that game
Since I was [bleep] 4.
Yeah, matt. What are you, a baby?
[baby talk] a little baby?
[ laughter ]
♪♪
[ villagers chattering ]
[ chattering excitedly ]
[ beep! ]
[ chattering excitedly ]
[ boing! ]
♪♪
[ beep! ]
[ thud! ]
[ growls ]
[ beep! ]
[ growls ]
[ frightened chattering ]
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
[ electronic laughter ]
[ frightened chattering ]
♪♪
Aah!
[ frightened chattering ]
[ growls ]
[ frightened chattering ]
Aah!
[ chatters ]
[ mouse clicking ]
[ crickets chirping ]
♪♪
[ beep! ]
[ keyboard clacking ]
[ beep! ]
Aah! Hands up! Hands up now!
Lay your hands flat on the ground.
Put your hands in your pockets! Put your hands in my pockets!
Why's that light blinking? It's just my computer.
Put 'er down!
[ gunfire ] aah!
[ panting ] alright, kid, we got a tip
Muammar gaddafi's hiding in here.
Where is he? Who?
Smile for the camera, everyone.
Y'all just got zanepranked.
Zane, is this another swatting prank?
Swatting a simp from school prank #6.
Can't you arrest him for that?
You nuts? You know how many subs my guided meditations channel
Got after swatting a simp #2 dropped?
Thanks for the tag, zane.
Alright, boys. Let's clear out.
[ gunfire ]
You know what I like about zanepranks?
You can tell they're coming from a good place.
[ laughs ]
Dad, I don't understand
Why you can't just buy me a new computer.
Because, in this family, we're not just given things, matt.
That's what your pop-pop here taught me when he gave me
This job in exchange for a weekly allowance.
He said, if I worked hard enough,
Then maybe he'd put me on the payroll.
Then, after he dies, maybe I could take his place as ceo.
Now look at me -- the ceo-in-waiting of royal crackers.
Today, you could be starting down the same path.
I'm gonna get paid? Yes. Out of my weekly allowance.
How much will I be making?
Ha! Hear that, dad? I can't see.
Who is that over there, mark cuban?
Yeah, heh! Maybe I'm gonna be the next ceo.
Over my dead [bleep] body!
You trying to start a war you can't win, asshole?
Well, here we are -- the taste-testing department.
This is my favorite place to spend my downtime.
Stebe! Stebe! Stebe! Stebe!
Hey, guys. Comin' in!
[ laughter ]
Hey, that tickles!
[ grunts, laughs ] they love this!
[ laughter, grunting continues ]
Aah! [ thud! ]
Everyone, I want you all to meet your new co-worker, matt hornsby.
Hi, matt. Hi, matt. Hi, matt. Hi, matt.
So what are we working on today?
Got a new flavor we're testing? Mm!
Stebe, that's drywall. Blech!
[ laughter ] alright.
Yes, it's very funny.
Yeah.
Okay. [ laughter continues ]
Enough! God, you guys take it too far!
Y-you just don't know when to stop!
At a certain point it -- it just becomes malicious!
I'm leaving! [ slam! ]
God! [ glass shatters ]
Hey, um...Do you guys have a computer around here?
Yeah, it's right over there.
[ buzzing ]
Ugh.
♪♪
Alfred: Ohh. Ha ha!
[ grunting ]
Oh! Wipeout! [ laughs ]
[ telephone rings ] oh, uh, uh...
[ grunting ]
Uh...Oh.
Oh, nothing. I-I was just, uh...
I was -- I was, uh...
...Working.
Yes, I was working.
Yes, sir, I'll bring him up right away.
Matthew?
Corporate would like to see you upstairs.
[ click! Whir! ]
[ click! ]
[ ding! ]
♪♪
Theodore: Hello, young man.
♪♪
Are you gonna say anything or...?
Hello?
How long is this movie?
No. Matt, jesus christ, I'm talking to you directly.
Pop-pop? Allow me to explain myself.
Many moons ago, I spent a hefty portion of my wealth
To map out my neurological construct
And replicate it onto this computer.
It allows me to keep watch over my entire empire
With the help of this state-of-the-art technology.
It's called a router, created by linksys.
Matthew, I had no idea you wanted
To be part of the royal cracker empire.
Well, I just wanted to make enough money
To buy a new computer.
This kid zane broke mine as a prank.
My boy, you leave this zane
To your dear, old pop-pop.
[ crickets chirping ]
Here he comes.
Hey! Hey! Hey! There he is!
Come on, sit right here next to uncle theo,
You fat, little bitch.
Dig in, matt. I got us okay panda, your favorite.
The chow mein's right there. Eat.
So, matt, I went over to the taste-testing department
To bury the hatchet over their verbal abuse issues,
And they told me you were called upstairs by corporate.
Why don't you tell us about that?
Jesus, get your nose out of his beeswax, dude.
Hey, matt, ten-plus years in the music biz, I got a lot
Of experience dealing with these corporate types.
You need advice, you come knock on uncle theo's door anytime.
Or now. You can tell me now.
If you want. Tell me now.
Tell me right now. Tell me.
Matt, your chow mein's getting cold. Eat it.
Actually, I got a big day tomorrow.
[ yawns ] I should get some shut eye.
Goodnight, pop-pop.
Well, looks like we got a traitor in our midst.
And I'll give you a hint of who it is.
He's been inside of me. Matt.
Deb, which one of these did you put this truth serum in?
The chow mein.
Uh, wait, was it the chow mein?
[ thud! ]
[ knocking on door ]
Mr. P? Zane, I just got off the phone with the hospital.
Have a seat, bro.
It looks like someone may have tampered
With the axle on your dad's mercedes.
Apparently, the tires came off their car,
And they crashed right into a chucklebee's.
The whole restaurant was engulfed in flames.
Like a prank? Yeah, zane.
Like a prank.
[sobbing] please, mr. P.,
Tell me that they're okay.
Your parents are dead, bro.
[ crying ]
[ laughter ]
Oh, my god, zane is a loser.
Uh, zane? It's, uh -- it's just a prank.
Wh-what?
Your parents are okay.
[ chuckles ] surprise.
You're a dick, mr. P. I hate you!
[ slam! ] thanks a lot.
Don't you forget -- you didn't see me.
And then no one will have to find out about this.
Mr. P. Here.
And I'm about to show you what I got.
Mm!
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Huh? Mm-hmm.
Unh!
How you like me now?
Uh-huh. Huh? That's right.
Unh! Unh!
What's my name?
[ laughter ]
Ha ha! Smile, bro. You just got mattzapped.
[ laughter ]
Theodore: You see, matt?
Exploiting weaknesses is the very soil that nourishes power.
Watch this. Hey, alfred.
What accident befell you to earn you
That horrid limp, you old goat?
You, uh, y-you, uh, you what?
You -- were -- were you -- were you working
The -- the -- the secret service
And had to take a bullet for john adams?
Senior?
[ both laugh ]
A bit of a trip, but we got there eventually.
It's a genetic bone disease.
I-it's called boner --
Boner? That's the modern coinage for an erection.
[ laughter ]
Is -- is he gonna be okay?
Is that sympathy I'm hearing?
You push that down right now.
It's certainly no use to my next successor.
Successor? You mean ceo?
That's right, there's no one in the world
I'd rather build my empire with, matthew.
Do you think you have what it takes?
♪♪
[ laughter ]
♪♪
Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!
Well, what do you think?
We saw a gregslist ad for a computer for sale.
Only a hundred bucks this bad boy.
Can you believe your eyes?
Look at his face. He's about to pass out.
Oh, thanks, guys.
But my life's gotten so much better
Since I stopped wasting my time with trivial endeavors.
What in the [bleep] has happened to you?
Are you freaking joking me right now?
Okay, you want me to be honest?
This computer is a piece of shit.
Hey! You kiss corporate's [bleep] with that mouth?
Corporate treats me better than any of you ever have.
You're only giving me a computer
So I stop going to work because you're scared.
And you should be.
And when I'm ceo of royal crackers,
First order of business will be to fire all y'all.
Byeeeee!
Okay, guess what. The computer wasn't $100.
It was free. Guy couldn't wait to get rid of it.
We wouldn't have gotten you shit if the pickup address
Wasn't so conveniently close to a chucklebee's,
Where we were headed anyway!
You guys, don't lower yourselves to his level.
He's just another sheeple
Cupping the genitals of corporate america.
Two things I learned from my man zach de la rocha --
1, how to work hard and attain
The business career of your dreams,
And, 2, how to rage against these corporate shills.
Watch your back, nutsuck.
[ villagers chattering ]
[ beep! ]
♪♪
[ beep! ]
No freakin' way.
[ zoom! ]
[ keyboard clacking ]
[ thunder crashes ]
[ ding! ] hey, pop-pop,
Is it okay if I move in with you?
I brought everything I need. [ gasps ]
Is that for me?
Theodore: Yes, it is, matthew.
You see, we need to talk...
About this craftopia. You play craftopia, too?
No, I don't play craftopia 'cause I'm not a [bleep] baby!
I just have an uncanny talent
For sniffing out shameful endeavors.
I'm not ashamed of craftopia. Well, you should be.
Matt, if we're going to take this partnership any further,
I need to know that you're 100% committed
To the expansion of our empire.
I want you to log on to craftopia
And destroy that little world of yours
And never speak to this donutfart69 again.
[ gasps ]
Uh, okay. I-I just won't play anymore.
I promise. Matthew...
I could wait for a new successor.
But there's only one matt hornsby.
Please, my boy. Do it for your pop-pop.
♪♪
See it for what it is -- just a bunch of ones and zeros.
♪♪
Prove your worth! Kill them all!
♪♪
[ frightened chattering ]
♪♪
[ frightened chattering ]
♪♪
Hilarious! I'm proud of you, matthew.
Am -- am I ceo now?
[ wheels squeaking ]
Just one more step.
[ snap! ]
This is the t.H.A.I. Microchip, matthew,
A technological feat of monolithic proportions.
It allows me to take complete control
Of any organic life form.
♪♪
Al, what are you doing here so late?
I...
I'm playing a computer game about skiing.
Oh. Okay. Well, have fun.
I like skiing. Oh.
Well, good for you.
I like when there's a fresh sheet of gnar pow on the slope
And I can be the first to shred it with my skis.
Al, I hope this isn't weird to say,
But each one of these sentences
Is making you way cooler in my eyes.
[ gasps ] really? Why, thank you, stebe.
Uh, where are you headed?
Is there a gymnasium in this building?
Who needs a gym when we've got the taste testers in there?
I just go in and start throwing fists.
[ grunting ] [ laughing ]
Theodore: All we do is make a small, painless,
Practically invisible incision on your scalp.
The chip slips right in and grants me access
To all neurological function.
So what are we waiting for?
Strip down and hop onto that surgical table,
You little ragamuffin.
Uh, I don't know about this, grandpa.
Well, what's the hesitation here?
I don't know.
I don't know what I want anymore.
But I do know what we want, matthew --
To expand our brand, get into chips and salsas.
Start an entertainment arm.
We can write westerns, and I'll star in them.
I am very handsome.
But you won't look like you. You'll look like me.
Oh, right, but I-I do feel like we --
We both like chips and salsas, right?
Matthew, do not trust another word
From this monstrous abomination.
I'm no longer doing your bidding, theodore.
Alfred! You need me to pull out the big guns?
Do your worst, sunshine. Well, as you wish.
Matt, I don't mean to sound like chad kroeger right now,
But look at this photograph.
[ laughs ] it's big, manly alfred,
On a ski trip with some gal pals.
Oh, yeah. Looks fun.
It was fun, until I obtained this "horrid limp"
Trying to pull a sick 180.
W-wait, wh-what do you mean it looks fun?
Who straps elongated shoes to their feet
And slithers down a mountain?
[ chuckles ] a pantywaist, that's who.
Right, matt?
I'll be honest, grandpa -- I-I don't know
What you're trying to make me feel here.
Okay. Well played, alfred.
It seems the changing of times really devalued my hand here.
Look, just -- matt, you have to take my word for it,
At one point, this photo would be wildly damning.
The man is manipulating you, matthew,
Just as he did those taste testers downstairs.
They're the result of his failed attempts
At this preposterous operation.
Grandpa, you told me I was special.
You are special, matthew. You have my dna.
Why didn't you ask my dad?
He'd gladly turn his body over to you.
Yeah, I'll pass, thanks.
Okay, you know what? I'm out of here.
Al, one call to the police, and I can end both of us.
Now hold the boy down while this quack sticks him
With one of his sleep needles.
[ sighs ] okay, mr. Hornsby.
[ whimpers ]
[ chuckles evilly ]
But you should know
That I already called the police
With an anonymous tip that this is the safehouse
Of muammar gaddafi.
[ gunfire ] duck and cover.
Gaddafi!
Router!
Doctor! Open fire!
Yeah, baby!
[ gunfire ]
Oh!
[ electricity crackling ]
What the hell?
What happened to the security doors?
Why aren't they closing? Looks like your router's shot.
You're disconnected from the whole building.
Uh, okay, we can fix this.
How much does a linksys router cost? $10,000?
Matthew! You're gonna leave me all by my lonesome?
I-I'm your pop-pop.
No, you're not.
You're just a bunch of ones and zeros.
Fine. Go. You think I need you? Ha!
I have a vivid imagination with screenplay ideas
That will entertain me for years to come!
Do you hear me?
Hello?
[ sirens wailing ]
I'm sorry I exposed you to all that, young man.
Your grandfather... Well --
I get it. The a.I. Became corrupted.
That's not who pop-pop really was.
Y-y-yeah.
Matthew, I spent a lot of my life
In shame over my love for skiing.
Well, to quote the great thespian nicolas cageman
In the film "adaptations," "you are what you love.
You are only what you love."
Thanks, uncle al.
But just so I'm clear -- this whole time,
You were completely on board
With letting an a.I. Take over my body?
I...
Look, I was very embarrassed about skiing.
♪♪
♪ and you cried all night ♪
♪ till you created a stream and it flows forever ♪
♪ it's made of dreams ♪
♪ that didn't come true ♪
♪ and I'm sorry there's nothing more ♪
♪ that I can do ♪
♪♪
♪ when we get together ♪
♪ take apart my fantasy ♪
♪ and when we're done ♪
♪ we'll work on you ♪
♪ yes, we lie emotionless, staring at the ceiling ♪
♪ your back turned up against the wall ♪
♪♪
♪ and now I clearly see ♪
♪ straight to the back of my skull ♪
♪ and I'm shivering ♪
♪ all night long ♪
♪ yes, my skin is clear, and you can see ♪
♪ what I'm thinking ♪
♪ I'm thinking hard about ♪
♪ all the things I've been dreaming ♪
♪ I've been dreaming about you ♪
♪ and only you ♪
[ beep! ]
♪ turning land into waste ♪
♪ but it could be worse, yeah ♪
♪ things could be so much worse ♪
Chirp.