1
00:00:06,589 --> 00:00:08,383
[announcer] <i>Ladies and gentlemen,</i>

2
00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:11,803
<i>please welcome to the stage
Bert Kreischer!</i>

3
00:00:11,886 --> 00:00:14,889
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [dramatic music playing]

4
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:26,234
[audience continues cheering]

5
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,624
[audience cheering]

6
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:53,011
[audience cheering and applauding]

7
00:00:53,094 --> 00:00:54,262
Yes!

8
00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:56,639
Thank you. Thank you.

9
00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:58,516
Thank you. Yes.

10
00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:00,643
You look beautiful, sir.

11
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:01,978
[cheering continues]

12
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,981
Thank you. Thank you.

13
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:08,109
- [man wolf-whistles]
- I look beautiful. Thank you, sir.

14
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:11,196
[audience cheering]

15
00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,364
This is the skinniest fat I've ever been.

16
00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:15,700
[audience laughing and cheering]

17
00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:20,997
Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. [chuckles]

18
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:24,292
I'm so fat, when I jog,
my ass hairs tie in a knot.

19
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,127
[audience laughing]

20
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:29,089
Yeah. You don't even know it's happening.
It's really a treat.

21
00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:30,799
[audience laughing]

22
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:35,178
Get in the shower, get a handful of soap,
give yourself a little credit card action.

23
00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,180
- [audience laughing]
- And you get denied.

24
00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:39,891
I'm talking rope, ladies.

25
00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:41,893
Ass cheek to ass cheek.

26
00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:45,563
Usually it comes free. Most hairy men and...

27
00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:48,066
some Italian women will tell you that.

28
00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:49,275
[audience laughing]

29
00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:52,195
You just put your finger on top
until you're free.

30
00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:54,405
Like when you sleep in a braid.
Same thing.

31
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:55,740
[audience laughing]

32
00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:58,618
One time, I was on vacation,
and it wouldn't come free.

33
00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:00,245
Like, I'm the shower tugging.

34
00:02:00,328 --> 00:02:02,664
And I'm panicking too,
because I got to take a shit.

35
00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:03,873
[audience laughing]

36
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,918
If we don't do something,
I'm gonna have a Play-Doh factory there.

37
00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:09,170
So I get out of the shower.

38
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:11,589
I grab my pocket knife.
I walk over to my wife.

39
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,883
[audience laughing]

40
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,009
[Bert laughs]

41
00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,762
[audience laughing]

42
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:20,932
I go, "I need to know if you're on my team
or off my team."

43
00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:23,309
[audience laughing]

44
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:26,354
[thick Southern accent]
She's like, "I'm on your team."

45
00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:29,399
[normal voice] My wife's a redneck.
I should have told you that.

46
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:32,861
On our marriage application,
in her hometown,

47
00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:35,488
third question: "Are you blood relatives?"

48
00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:37,574
[audience laughing]

49
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,410
I go, "What do we put for three?"

50
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,036
- [Bert laughs]
- [audience laughs]

51
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,205
The lady goes, "Well, is you?"

52
00:02:44,289 --> 00:02:46,207
[audience laughing]

53
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:48,626
I go, "I don't think we is." [laughs]

54
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,086
"Then put you ain't."

55
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,213
"I'm not writing 'ain't.'
That means we is." So...

56
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:53,631
[audience laughing]

57
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:56,843
I hand my wife the pocket knife,
and I go, "We have a problem."

58
00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:59,804
I turn around, show her the affected area.

59
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,764
[audience laughing]

60
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,434
And she says, "Why did you do that?"

61
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:06,186
[audience laughing]

62
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:08,563
Fantastic question, LeeAnn. You know...

63
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:10,815
I figured, we're on vacation.

64
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:13,818
Lady by the pool's like,
"Braid your hair. Braid you hair."

65
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,279
[audience laughing]

66
00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:18,364
"I didn't do this on purpose, fuck nut."

67
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:19,908
[audience laughing]

68
00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:22,911
"Now get to cutting, Sweeney Todd.
I'm cresting down here."

69
00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:25,038
[audience laughing]

70
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:26,441
She's like, "I ain't doing that."

71
00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:29,017
I was like, "Hate to break
your heart, redneck. I think you is."

72
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:29,876
[audience laughs]

73
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,085
"As a matter of fact,

74
00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:34,297
you're the only person on this island
that will be cutting these ass hairs."

75
00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,256
[audience laughs]

76
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:38,760
I can't call the front desk and be like,
"Send up a sure-handed boy."

77
00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:41,012
[audience laughing]

78
00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:44,182
"Better yet, who does your hedges?
I like his work."

79
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:45,683
[audience laughing]

80
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:48,478
She goes, "No, I ain't."
And she puts the knife down

81
00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:51,814
and turns on the hair dryer
as if our conversation's over.

82
00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:55,777
Oh, you want to play games?
Let's play fucking games.

83
00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:58,863
I grabbed the knife.
I'm still naked, mind you.

84
00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:02,742
I sit down on the bed, facing her.

85
00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:06,829
Lay on my back, kick my feet in the air
like a baby getting his diaper changed,

86
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:10,166
and just go, "Wah!"

87
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,835
"Baby's got a knotty asshole!"

88
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,504
[audience laughing]

89
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:17,006
I didn't even hear my daughters
walk in the room.

90
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,050
[audience howling]

91
00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:21,052
[audience laughing]

92
00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:24,013
All I heard was,
"Oh my God, Dad's vagina!"

93
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,765
[audience laughing]

94
00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:27,558
Scared the shit outta me!

95
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:28,851
[audience laughing]

96
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:32,522
I hop up naked with a knife like
I'm fighting two hookers for my wallet.

97
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,983
[audience laughing]

98
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:37,777
LeeAnn doesn't even know what's going on.

99
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:40,530
She sees the commotion,
cuts off the hair dryer, and goes,

100
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:43,032
"Fine, give me the knife.
I'll cut your asshole."

101
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,325
[audience laughing]

102
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:47,912
My daughters are shell-shocked.
"What the fuck are you two doing?"

103
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:48,871
[audience laughs]

104
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:51,874
They storm out. <i>I </i>get in trouble.

105
00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,295
She goes, "You know, heads-up,

106
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:57,505
you're not supposed to show
your daughters your dick."

107
00:04:57,588 --> 00:04:59,215
[audience laughing]

108
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:02,010
I was like, "Objection, Amber Heard.
That's not what happened."

109
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:02,927
[audience laughing]

110
00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:06,222
- Yeah. Walk it back, sister.
- [audience] Oh!

111
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,181
Yes.

112
00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:09,267
[audience cheering and applauding]

113
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,189
First off, they didn't just
see my dick, okay?

114
00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:16,149
[audience laughs]

115
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:18,276
That would have been a walk in the park.

116
00:05:18,359 --> 00:05:19,402
[audience laughs]

117
00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:23,823
They saw all of it.
The trilogy. All three stories.

118
00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:26,826
Asshole, dick, and balls. The Middle East!

119
00:05:26,909 --> 00:05:28,911
[audience laughing]

120
00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:33,499
Secondly, I didn't show them my dick.
I wasn't like, "Hey, girls..."

121
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,585
[audience laughing]

122
00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:38,338
"You almost done your homework?"

123
00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:39,964
[audience laughing]

124
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:43,259
"Cool. Meet me in the garage in 15.
There's something I want to <i>show</i> you."

125
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,345
[audience laughing]

126
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:46,428
[Bert chuckles]

127
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,893
They didn't even see good dick either.
That's what bothered me.

128
00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:55,563
No, hang on. Hear me out.
I'm not saying I want it to be rock-hard,

129
00:05:55,646 --> 00:05:56,564
but, like...

130
00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:57,732
[audience laughing]

131
00:05:57,815 --> 00:05:58,816
...pretty hard.

132
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,960
You can't send your daughters to college

133
00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:03,988
thinking their dad's got
the smallest dick.

134
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,198
[audience laughing]

135
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:08,576
First time they get a guy
and they're like, "Now, that's a cock."

136
00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:09,827
"Shit!"

137
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,830
"Yeah, my dad has a penis. That's a cock."

138
00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:17,210
"You could whip that out at a party.
My dad's got something you show a nurse."

139
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,045
[audience laughing]

140
00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:20,797
They saw belly dick.

141
00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:24,175
Just sitting there, defenseless, just...

142
00:06:24,258 --> 00:06:26,719
[audience laughing]

143
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,263
Looks like a whale breaching.
Just... [groans]

144
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,140
[audience laughing]

145
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,976
Can't tell where it starts,
but you know where it stops.

146
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,060
[audience laughing]

147
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:38,523
Looks like a little boy looking in a well.
"What's going on in here?"

148
00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:39,732
[audience laughing]

149
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,734
What the fuck, I saw my dad naked.

150
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:43,069
A lot.

151
00:06:43,152 --> 00:06:44,445
[audience laughing]

152
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:45,947
A lot...

153
00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:48,967
One time, he got in the shower with me.
I was taking too long. He had work.

154
00:06:48,991 --> 00:06:50,451
I was in ninth grade.

155
00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:52,370
[audience laughing]

156
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:55,081
Yeah, I panicked
and did the old Buffalo Bill

157
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:57,041
from <i>Silence of the Lambs, </i>just...

158
00:06:57,708 --> 00:07:00,336
[audience laughing]

159
00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:05,216
I saw my mom naked. Not a lot, but enough.

160
00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:06,300
[audience laughing]

161
00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:08,261
Enough that the first time
I got a chick naked,

162
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:10,680
I was like, "Where's your C-section scar?"

163
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:12,682
[audience laughing]

164
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:13,850
[Bert chuckles]

165
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,310
My wife's honest with them.

166
00:07:17,061 --> 00:07:20,440
She's honest, 100% honest all the time.
The other night we're at dinner.

167
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:23,359
I'm three drinks in.
The girls go, "You guys ever done drugs?"

168
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,236
I'm like, "What are you, fucking cops?"

169
00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:26,696
[audience laughing]

170
00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:28,448
She just goes, "Yeah."

171
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:29,532
[audience laughs]

172
00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:32,785
"What the fuck you doing?" She goes,
"You got to be honest with them girls."

173
00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:35,413
"I smoked marijuana a couple of times."

174
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,124
"I didn't like it very much."

175
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,960
"Made me throw up. Never smoked it again."

176
00:07:41,752 --> 00:07:44,338
"But your daddy's done cocaine."
I go, "What the fuck?"

177
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:45,423
[audience laughing]

178
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:48,134
"I don't think they're looking
for recommendations, LeeAnn."

179
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,343
[audience laughing]

180
00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:52,472
She's like, "Go on, tell 'em.
Go on, tell 'em. Tell 'em."

181
00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:53,806
"Tell 'em the truth now."

182
00:07:56,058 --> 00:07:58,019
I was like, "Okay, I tried cocaine...

183
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:00,021
one time."

184
00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:02,106
[audience laughing]

185
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:08,696
"I didn't like it very much."

186
00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:10,406
[audience laughing]

187
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,492
"It made me throw up. Never did it again."

188
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:13,409
[audience laughing]

189
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,994
I hear her fucking laughing.

190
00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:17,580
She goes, "That's a lie.
Your daddy's done cocaine a lot."

191
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:18,748
[audience laughing]

192
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:22,793
"Well, your mom lost her virginity at 13.
Go ahead, tell them that story. Yeah."

193
00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:25,004
"Yeah. She's a whore!"

194
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,527
- [Bert laughs]
- [audience laughing]

195
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:30,176
And she just leans into me, she goes,
"First of all, I was almost 14."

196
00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:31,344
[audience laughing]

197
00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:35,056
"And shit, ain't nothing to do
in my hometown but fuck, fight, and race."

198
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,390
[audience laughing]

199
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:38,559
I'm like, "Who did I marry, Ricky Bobby?"

200
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:39,936
[audience laughing]

201
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,981
"Sorry I ain't no prude like your daddy.
Your daddy's only been with six people."

202
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:46,609
"And he lost his virginity
when he was 17."

203
00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:49,320
I was like, "First,
I've been with six women, not people."

204
00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:50,613
[audience laughing]

205
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:54,075
And 17's a normal number.
But they've already heard 13.

206
00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:56,160
Now they're looking at me, like... [gasps]

207
00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,914
"Were you homeschooled, Dad?"

208
00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:01,290
[audience laughing]

209
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,252
I'm like, "Thirteen's the fucked-up number
in this story."

210
00:09:05,002 --> 00:09:08,881
"Seventeen's normal. I'm so sorry
I wasn't molested like your mother."

211
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:10,800
[audience laughing]

212
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:13,135
I didn't spend high school
in the back of a pickup truck

213
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,512
in a field all "Next!"

214
00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:16,597
[audience laughing]

215
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,561
I fucking hate that I love this woman.

216
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,187
[audience laughing]

217
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,484
My buddy... My buddy sold his company,
made a lot of money,

218
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,236
and got rid of his old wife, upgraded.

219
00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:31,779
Twenty-seven years old.

220
00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:34,115
- [scattered cheering]
- Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah.

221
00:09:34,198 --> 00:09:37,660
He brought her to our house,
showing her off. "She can't read at all."

222
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,412
[audience laughing]

223
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:43,291
That night, I get in bed with my wife.
My old one.

224
00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:45,209
[audience laughing]

225
00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:48,045
Socks on under the covers.

226
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:49,297
[audience laughing]

227
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,009
Sweater on. Bifocals. Reading a magazine.

228
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:56,053
Gotta lick that dead old dry finger
to turn a page.

229
00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:57,179
[audience laughing]

230
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,432
[laughing]

231
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:03,978
I was drunk.

232
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:06,063
- [audience laughing]
- [Bert laughs]

233
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:10,318
I leaned over... This is the relationship
I have with my wife, okay?

234
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,779
I just lean over, look at her, and go...

235
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,532
"I wonder what I could upgrade to."

236
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,993
- [audience laughing]
- [laughing]

237
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:20,536
She looks at me and goes,

238
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,830
"I'd like to see you fucking try."

239
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:24,790
[audience laughing]

240
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,002
She's all, "You wouldn't know
what to do with the floor model."

241
00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:29,003
[audience laughs]

242
00:10:29,086 --> 00:10:31,005
New car smell with the push-button start.

243
00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:33,090
[imitates engine revving]

244
00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:36,552
I said, "Yeah, I've been working
with the old beater too long."

245
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,680
Just... [imitates engine spluttering]

246
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:46,103
You ever get your wife close to an orgasm
and watch it just disappear?

247
00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:48,147
You get her right there...

248
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:50,316
[engine cranking]

249
00:10:50,399 --> 00:10:51,942
[engine slowly revving]

250
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:55,112
Then the cat jumps up on the bed.
"Are we fucking this bitch?"

251
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:56,781
[audience laughing]

252
00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:59,867
You're like, "Goddamn it, Gus Gus,
get the fuck out of here."

253
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:00,951
[audience laughing]

254
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:03,871
Here, let <i>me </i>go. One, two, three.

255
00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:06,040
That's how it's done. Jesus, fuck!

256
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:07,583
[audience laughing]

257
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:08,918
[audience member cheers]

258
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:13,005
I'm fast at sex. I'm so fast,
one time I had an orgasm and she laughed.

259
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,132
[audience laughing]

260
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:18,386
She goes, "Shit, I don't think
you could've gotten AIDS from that one."

261
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:19,470
[audience laughing]

262
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:21,931
Yeah. [laughs] She's a bully.

263
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,518
A fucking bully.
She doesn't give me a blowjob.

264
00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:26,977
Oh, no.

265
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:28,979
She toys with me.

266
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:30,981
Grabs my dick.

267
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,984
Stares at me, just, "Oh."

268
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:36,070
[audience laughing]

269
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:39,240
[moans]

270
00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:40,700
[audience laughing]

271
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:42,618
[moans]

272
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,704
"Oh, oh."

273
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,581
Is this thing on?

274
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:48,749
[audience laughing]

275
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:53,087
Do you know how soul-sucking it is
to have to fake laugh

276
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,588
to get your dick sucked?

277
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:56,549
As a comedian...

278
00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:59,510
I told my buddy Tom this, he goes,
"That would break my spirit."

279
00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:03,407
He goes, "Know what I'd do
if I was lucky to suck your cock?"

280
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:04,890
I was like, "Please tell me."

281
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,226
[audience laughing]

282
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:12,314
He said, "I'd respect the fact
that you're a comedian,

283
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,942
and I would bring you
original material every time."

284
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:16,944
[audience laughing]

285
00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:18,112
I said, "Like what?"

286
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,907
He didn't flinch.
"I'd grab your dick, look you in the eyes,

287
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:26,912
and go, 'This week, on a very special
episode of <i>Man v. Food.'"</i>

288
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,248
[audience laughing]

289
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,751
"'One man takes one dick
to the mouth until it explodes.'"

290
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:33,627
[moaning]

291
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:35,755
We cried laughing.

292
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:38,132
[audience laughing]

293
00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:40,801
And then one month later,
I'm in bed with my wife.

294
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:44,138
She goes down to give me a blowjob.

295
00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:46,849
I completely forgot
the conversation I had with Tom...

296
00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:48,893
[audience laughs]

297
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:50,352
...until she...

298
00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:56,233
taps on my dick,
and I start laughing hysterically.

299
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,152
[audience laughing]

300
00:12:58,235 --> 00:13:01,071
She goes, "Finally, you get it."
I said, "What?"

301
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,741
She goes, "Get the joke?
It's a microphone."

302
00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:05,993
I said,
"You thought I didn't get the joke?"

303
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:07,536
[audience laughing]

304
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,831
She goes, "You don't laugh."
I said, "Because it's not fucking funny."

305
00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,043
She goes, "Not funny,
why are you laughing now?"

306
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:16,086
I said, "I'm thinking about Tom."

307
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:18,172
[audience laughing]

308
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:25,137
[audience cheering]

309
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,393
"He does this better than you."

310
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,312
- [audience laughing]
- [Bert chuckles]

311
00:13:33,395 --> 00:13:35,689
She's turned my daughters into bullies.

312
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:39,068
Yeah. We were watching a documentary
the other night on Gandhi.

313
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:43,280
All I said was, "I don't get
the whole hunger strike thing."

314
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:46,826
My daughter Georgia looks me up and down
and goes, "No shit."

315
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,911
[audience laughing]

316
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,668
They don't call me Dad.
They have nicknames, like "Chonk."

317
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:56,752
[audience laughing]

318
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,129
Or "Fetus." They call me "Fetus."

319
00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:00,464
[audience laughing]

320
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:04,718
They had a nickname they were calling me
behind my back for two years.

321
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,847
We're at dinner one night.
LeeAnn sends a text.

322
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:10,224
Both the girls giggle.
"Oh, good one, Mom."

323
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:11,725
[audience laughs]

324
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:14,311
I said, "What is it?"
They said, "You wouldn't get it."

325
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:17,064
I said, "I'm the funniest motherfucker
at this table."

326
00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:18,607
[audience laughing]

327
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:21,944
"My comedy's paying for this dinner
and those teeth. Run it by me."

328
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:24,029
[audience laughing]

329
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:30,286
Ila's like, "I don't think
you'd find it funny." [giggles]

330
00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:33,330
So I go to the bathroom.
I come back quick.

331
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,374
I look over Ila's shoulder. She's slow.

332
00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:37,459
[audience laughing]

333
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:41,672
What I see is a series of pictures of me,

334
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:45,509
and the chat thread is titled,
"Baby Walrus."

335
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,595
[audience laughing]

336
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:52,641
My stomach drops. I sit down at the table.
I go, "What the fuck is Baby Walrus?"

337
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:56,937
They freeze. They're like,
"Oh, it's not, 'What's Baby Walrus?'"

338
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:58,063
[audience laughs]

339
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,857
"It's, 'Who's Baby Walrus?'"

340
00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:01,191
[audience laughing]

341
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:04,069
I said, "Who the fuck is Baby Walrus?"

342
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,573
Ila goes, "I think you know
who Baby Walrus is."

343
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:09,700
Georgia goes, "Calm down, Dad."

344
00:15:09,783 --> 00:15:12,870
"It's just Mom thinks
when you put on fancy clothes,

345
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,625
you look like a baby walrus
who's trying to escape from the zoo."

346
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,710
[audience laughing]

347
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:25,007
I looked at LeeAnn. She goes, "Calm down.
You actually behave like a baby walrus."

348
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:28,552
I said, "No, I don't."
And then the waitress came over.

349
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,846
She goes, "Double Tito's and soda,
big glass, no lime?"

350
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:35,017
I didn't even think I did it.
I went... [groaning]

351
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:38,979
Ila pulls out here phone.
"Baby Walrus loves vodka." Click, click.

352
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,273
[audience laughing]

353
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:43,108
I will destroy these women.

354
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:44,610
[audience laughing]

355
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:47,446
My daughters are dumb as fuck.
We went camping one time.

356
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:48,530
[audience laughing]

357
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:51,533
Whole family goes camping.
Middle of nowhere.

358
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,786
Ten o'clock at night.
Girls are roasting marshmallows.

359
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:56,872
LeeAnn's over by the tent, cleaning up.
I'm drinking moonshine.

360
00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:01,126
Ten o'clock at night,
we hear a gunshot ring out.

361
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,753
Just... [imitates gunshot]

362
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:04,755
We're frozen. LeeAnn's a redneck.

363
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:07,424
She's like, "Someone got their period,"
or whatever.

364
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,093
[audience laughing]

365
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:18,394
[laughing]

366
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,479
[audience continues laughing]

367
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,858
[audience cheering]

368
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,194
[Bert laughing]

369
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:31,699
She's not even this big of a redneck,
but she hates this accent.

370
00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:32,825
[audience laughs]

371
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:35,077
So it's gonna get worse
throughout the show.

372
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,162
[audience laughing]

373
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:43,085
It's ten o'clock at night.
We heard a gunshot. We're fucking frozen.

374
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:46,005
No one says a word for ten seconds.

375
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:48,632
And then we hear another gunshot ring out.

376
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,009
[imitates gunshot]

377
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:53,679
My daughter Ila pulls her marshmallow
out of the fire,

378
00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:57,057
looks at all of us very confidently,
and goes, "Well...

379
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,269
we know it's not a suicide."

380
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,855
[audience laughing]

381
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:14,783
I was like, "Thanks, Matlock."

382
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,535
[audience laughing]

383
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:20,039
She goes, "Two gunshots, Dad."
"I follow your math there, big brain."

384
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:21,290
[audience laughing]

385
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,459
This child will make you stupid by proxy.

386
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,002
[audience laughing]

387
00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:28,130
We're in the car one time.
Georgia's up front, I'm driving.

388
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:29,506
Ila's in the back seat.

389
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:32,426
And we drive past a sign that says,
"Deaf child."

390
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:36,430
And immediately I hear
the think tank in the back start bubbling.

391
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:37,890
[audience laughing]

392
00:17:37,973 --> 00:17:41,477
Ila just, to herself, goes,
"Oh, well, that's racist."

393
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,353
[audience laughing]

394
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:47,066
I go, "Nope. No, it's not. That's...
That's not what racism looks like."

395
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,693
And Georgia goes,
"Ila, they put that sign up

396
00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:53,155
so we know when we're in this neighborhood
we should lower our radios."

397
00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:54,948
I'm like, "What the fuck?"

398
00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:57,451
[audience laughing]

399
00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:59,912
"No, finish this.
I want to hear the end of this."

400
00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:01,914
[audience laughing]

401
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:05,084
She goes, "So we don't rub it in
that we can hear, right, Dad?"

402
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:06,167
[audience laughing]

403
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:09,171
I'm like, "No, that's not...
Shit, you're dumber than she is."

404
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:10,422
"No. No."

405
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,633
"No, Georgia,
that's not why they have that."

406
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:16,678
"It's so you know there's a kid that
may not hear your car coming, Georgia."

407
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:20,432
And then Ila leans up at the front
and goes, "So are deaf kids like guns?"

408
00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:21,809
[audience laughs]

409
00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,936
"Do you have to register them
with the state?"

410
00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:26,021
[audience laughing]

411
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,610
I'm like, "What are you talking about?"

412
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:36,323
She goes, "Well, Dad, how do they know
where to put those signs?"

413
00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:38,033
[audience laughing]

414
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:41,495
And now I'm sitting in the front seat
of this clown car,

415
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:44,623
thinking sincerely to myself,

416
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,793
"How <i>do</i> they know
where to put those signs?"

417
00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:49,878
[audience laughing]

418
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:53,549
You cannot put me and this child together.
We're bad news.

419
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:54,508
[audience laughs]

420
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:57,636
We're dumb as fuck
and we have impulse control problems.

421
00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:58,971
[audience laughing]

422
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:01,014
We went to Georgia's
choir concert one time.

423
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:03,767
Four hours long, just to set the scene.

424
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:07,729
Four hours of choir.
And LeeAnn doesn't even sit in the room.

425
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:11,567
She sits in the back and sells baked goods
with friends and chitchats for hours.

426
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:14,736
Meanwhile, Ila and I have to sit
in the front row for four hours.

427
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:17,614
She's having a blast.
Ila and I are getting fucked in the ass.

428
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:18,824
[audience laughing]

429
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:21,493
Two hours into this choir concert,
choir teacher comes out

430
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:24,204
and lets us know they're auctioning
use of the school snow machine

431
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:25,581
to the highest bidder.

432
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:29,293
Opening bid is $50, and I feel Ila
shaking like a junkie next to me.

433
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:30,752
[audience laughing]

434
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,463
I go, "What's wrong with you?"
And she goes, "Fetus..."

435
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:36,258
[audience laughing]

436
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:37,801
"...we need that snow machine."

437
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:41,555
I'm like, "Uh, we're getting
that fucking snow machine."

438
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:42,639
[audience laughing]

439
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:46,476
She's like, "Should I go out and ask Mom?"
"Fuck that bitch. She's not here."

440
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:47,769
[audience laughing]

441
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,522
"I'm a parent also, Ila.
I can make decisions too."

442
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:51,940
[audience laughing]

443
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:56,111
She's like, "Do we have $50?"
I go, "Baby, without your mom in the room,

444
00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:58,822
we have stupid fucking money."

445
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:01,200
[audience laughing]

446
00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:04,077
"Watch and learn. I'm about to drop
a big dick on this room."

447
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:05,454
[audience laughing]

448
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:07,706
I stand up in the front row.
Teacher gets excited.

449
00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:11,919
"Do I hear an opening bid of $50?"
I said, "Honey, cut out the riffraff."

450
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,337
"Make it 500."

451
00:20:13,420 --> 00:20:14,546
[audience cheers]

452
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,340
Room goes crazy.

453
00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:19,218
I sit down. Ila's shaking back and forth.

454
00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,136
- "Ahh!"
- [audience laughing]

455
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,387
I go, "What's wrong?"

456
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:25,682
She goes, "You just dropped
a big dick on the room, Dad!"

457
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:27,976
[audience cheering and applauding]

458
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:38,695
Laughter dies out.
I hear one dad in the back still laughing.

459
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,115
I'm like, "Shit, we got a problem."

460
00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:43,408
[audience laughing]

461
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:44,660
Ila's like, "What is it?"

462
00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:47,120
"There's another alcoholic dad here
looking for action."

463
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,164
[audience laughing]

464
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,999
"It's gonna be a long night, baby."

465
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:55,045
Dude in the back
just stands up quick, "550!"

466
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:58,257
Whole room does that. "Oh!"

467
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,843
Except for my daughter,
who punches me in the leg and goes,

468
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,470
"Stand up and be a man."

469
00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:05,847
[audience laughing]

470
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,891
"Tell him 600, Dad."

471
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,311
I said, "No, baby,
that's not how we're gonna play it."

472
00:21:12,854 --> 00:21:15,065
"Now's when we hit him
with the razzle dazzle."

473
00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:17,567
[audience cheering]

474
00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:20,194
She...

475
00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:23,865
She goes, "What's that?"
I said, "You stand up, you say 600,

476
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:26,326
then turn around and wink at him."

477
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:27,577
[audience laughs]

478
00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,413
Now she's turned into a baby walrus.

479
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:31,999
[groaning]

480
00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:35,419
She goes, "I can do that?"
I go, "If you don't, you sleep outside."

481
00:21:35,502 --> 00:21:37,421
[audience laughing]

482
00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:42,134
This is what a thousand parents saw:
a fifth grader in the front row stand up.

483
00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:44,136
In fairness,
I didn't know she was nervous.

484
00:21:44,219 --> 00:21:46,930
I also didn't know
the kid couldn't fucking wink, okay?

485
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:49,016
[audience laughing]

486
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:51,768
[scoffs]

487
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,395
Who the fuck can't wink?

488
00:21:53,478 --> 00:21:55,230
[audience laughing]

489
00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:58,400
She turns around trembling.
Finds her guy, goes,

490
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,527
"$600!"

491
00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:02,821
And then proceeds to have a seizure...

492
00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:04,197
[audience laughing]

493
00:22:04,281 --> 00:22:05,824
...trying to eke out a wink. Just...

494
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:08,410
[audience laughing]

495
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:19,880
Sits down, she goes, "How did I do, Dad?"

496
00:22:19,963 --> 00:22:21,006
[audience laughs]

497
00:22:21,089 --> 00:22:23,508
I go, "You just dropped a big dick
on that room."

498
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:24,885
[audience laughing]

499
00:22:24,968 --> 00:22:28,013
Old boy in the back
is losing his fucking mind.

500
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:32,017
He stands up, he goes, "Baby girl, $700."

501
00:22:32,100 --> 00:22:34,686
I'm like, "Whoa, you coming
after my daughter, bro?"

502
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,146
[audience laughing]

503
00:22:36,229 --> 00:22:39,274
I stand up, stare him down, I go, "$800."

504
00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:42,027
Ila stands up, "$900!"

505
00:22:42,110 --> 00:22:43,653
[audience laughing]

506
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:45,906
[scattered applause and cheering]

507
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:53,038
I'm like, "You're bidding against me,
you fucking moron."

508
00:22:53,121 --> 00:22:54,206
[audience laughing]

509
00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:57,334
She's ear to ear,
"Hit him with the razzle dazzle, Dad!"

510
00:22:57,417 --> 00:22:59,586
[audience laughing]

511
00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:02,422
We won that snow machine for $1,800.

512
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:04,383
[audience laughing and cheering]

513
00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:05,466
Yeah.

514
00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:07,260
[audience cheering and applauding]

515
00:23:07,344 --> 00:23:08,178
Yeah.

516
00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:10,180
[applause continues]

517
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,434
I got... I got in trouble.

518
00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:15,936
[audience laughing]

519
00:23:16,019 --> 00:23:19,689
I did. My behavior was... questionable.

520
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,149
[audience laughing]

521
00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:22,317
I can't tell if it's...

522
00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:25,987
I can't tell if it's me
or the fact that I live in L.A.

523
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:30,742
Like, I think if I lived here,
I'd be like a pretty normal dad.

524
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:33,245
[audience cheering and applauding]

525
00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:39,751
Dare I say progressive. [laughs]

526
00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:41,628
[audience laughing]

527
00:23:43,630 --> 00:23:46,133
But in L.A., I'm a problem.

528
00:23:46,216 --> 00:23:48,885
I'll... I'm gonna...
Okay, I'm gonna tell you a story.

529
00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:51,513
But do not
insert your politics into it, okay?

530
00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:54,057
Just listen to the story,
enjoy it for what it is.

531
00:23:55,892 --> 00:23:57,060
Okay.

532
00:23:57,144 --> 00:23:58,937
[audience laughing]

533
00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:01,481
End of Ila's fifth grade year,
they throw a dance.

534
00:24:01,565 --> 00:24:04,609
They taught all the kids the foxtrot
in fifth grade, right?

535
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:07,988
Parents sit in the auditorium
and we watch kids do the foxtrot on stage,

536
00:24:08,071 --> 00:24:11,491
go out, milk and cookies
8:30 in the morning, call it a day. Boom.

537
00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:15,162
We show up at eight o'clock.
Kids aren't on stage.

538
00:24:15,245 --> 00:24:17,581
Kids were in the auditorium.
Teachers off to the side.

539
00:24:17,664 --> 00:24:19,958
She's crying. Parents are irate.

540
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:21,876
It's a shitshow.

541
00:24:22,502 --> 00:24:25,589
Pull us outside as the parents.
Teacher addresses the parents.

542
00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:27,382
"I..." [exhales]

543
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:28,925
"All I can do is apologize."

544
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,012
"What I've done is horrific."

545
00:24:32,095 --> 00:24:36,349
"And if you'll allow me the opportunity
to keep my job, I will do better."

546
00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:38,894
In the back, I'm like,
"Someone fucked a kid."

547
00:24:39,394 --> 00:24:41,897
[audience laughing]

548
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:44,816
I'm starting to loosen up
to go high-five a fifth grader.

549
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:46,902
[audience laughing]

550
00:24:50,739 --> 00:24:52,491
And she says...

551
00:24:53,742 --> 00:24:56,661
"Two weeks ago,
in preparing for this dance,

552
00:24:56,745 --> 00:25:00,707
I assumed your children's gender,
and I paired them up boy, girl."

553
00:25:00,790 --> 00:25:03,877
"Now, I understand
what an egregious error I have made,

554
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,587
and if you give me an opportunity,

555
00:25:05,670 --> 00:25:08,465
I will show you
I'm not the monster you think I am."

556
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:12,260
Now, hold on. I want to say this
real quick, just so we're clear.

557
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:16,556
I want every child in this world

558
00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:20,602
to feel 100% awesome 100% of the time.

559
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:23,313
I'll do what I can to make that happen,
that is how I feel.

560
00:25:23,396 --> 00:25:25,398
[audience cheering and applauding]

561
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:33,615
- But it's fifth grade, right? Like...
- [audience laughs]

562
00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:36,618
It's 8:00 in the morning.
We're hungover. Let's wrap it up.

563
00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:38,161
[audience laughs, cheers]

564
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:41,331
I think we're done, right? Cool? Forgiven.

565
00:25:41,915 --> 00:25:42,832
First parent stands up.

566
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:45,293
She goes, "My name is Jennifer.
Pronouns: she/her."

567
00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:46,545
I'm like, "Oh, shit."

568
00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:48,213
[audience laughing]

569
00:25:48,296 --> 00:25:49,965
"This isn't gonna go well."

570
00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:52,633
She goes...

571
00:25:54,761 --> 00:25:57,472
"Our household are strong allies."

572
00:25:57,556 --> 00:25:59,891
"We have family members in the community,

573
00:25:59,975 --> 00:26:03,353
and I want you to know that I can hear
that apology, but it is shallow."

574
00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:05,981
"Actions speak louder than words,

575
00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:08,900
so if you do keep your job,
you should do better."

576
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:10,944
And she sits down.

577
00:26:11,027 --> 00:26:13,363
Now, I don't know if you know
how this works,

578
00:26:13,446 --> 00:26:16,116
but the next parent
has to out-liberal the first parent.

579
00:26:16,199 --> 00:26:17,367
[audience laughs]

580
00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:20,328
You can't be like, "Eh,"
because then you look like Alex Jones.

581
00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:21,788
"Frogs are gay. Hoo!"

582
00:26:21,871 --> 00:26:24,207
[audience laughing]

583
00:26:24,291 --> 00:26:27,294
And it goes around the horn.
They light this bitch up left and right.

584
00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:30,297
And the teacher, God bless her,
she's taking it on the chin

585
00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:31,631
until it gets to me and LeeAnn.

586
00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:34,259
I'm like, "I'll take this."
LeeAnn's like, "Please don't."

587
00:26:34,342 --> 00:26:36,094
[audience laughing]

588
00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:41,182
I said, "Hi, my name's Bert.
I'm Ila's, uh, parent."

589
00:26:41,683 --> 00:26:43,685
[audience laughing]

590
00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:49,190
I said, "First off, it's fifth grade."

591
00:26:49,274 --> 00:26:51,610
"No one's finger-fucking
in the back of a Jetta tonight."

592
00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:52,944
[audience laughing]

593
00:26:53,028 --> 00:26:55,822
It's 8:30 in the morning.
Everyone's listening now, right?

594
00:26:55,905 --> 00:26:57,490
[audience laughing]

595
00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:00,035
I said, "As Ila's parent,

596
00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:03,913
it goes without saying that I do not care

597
00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:07,917
if my child dances with a boy
or dances with a girl."

598
00:27:08,001 --> 00:27:12,213
"I will do everything in my power
to love her and support her."

599
00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:13,923
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.

600
00:27:14,007 --> 00:27:16,009
[audience cheering and applauding]

601
00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:21,890
"As long as it's white." Now...

602
00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:23,975
[audience laughing]

603
00:27:25,685 --> 00:27:28,021
How do you not go for the fucking joke?

604
00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:30,899
It's right there! It's right...

605
00:27:30,982 --> 00:27:33,568
It's 8:00 in the morning.
They didn't see it coming.

606
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:34,778
[audience laughing]

607
00:27:34,861 --> 00:27:38,239
The pronoun parents
lost their fucking shit.

608
00:27:38,323 --> 00:27:39,991
[screams]

609
00:27:40,992 --> 00:27:41,910
LeeAnn hops up.

610
00:27:41,993 --> 00:27:44,829
[in thick Southern accent]
"He's a comedian! He's a comedian!"

611
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:46,164
[audience laughing]

612
00:27:46,247 --> 00:27:48,917
They're like, "Listen to her accent.
They're racist!"

613
00:27:49,417 --> 00:27:51,294
Dude, I'll tell you the worst one.

614
00:27:51,378 --> 00:27:56,049
The worst one, LeeAnn and I one time
went to a wine tasting-slash-raffle.

615
00:27:56,132 --> 00:27:57,550
Tuesday night...

616
00:27:57,634 --> 00:27:59,803
On the way there, LeeAnn's in the car.
She's driving.

617
00:27:59,886 --> 00:28:02,389
She's like,
"Let's not get fucking wasted tonight."

618
00:28:02,472 --> 00:28:04,015
I'm like, "Too late!"

619
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:05,141
[audience laughing]

620
00:28:05,225 --> 00:28:07,936
<i>♪ I've been drinking in the shower ♪</i>

621
00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:09,145
[audience laughing]

622
00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:12,315
It's a Tuesday night. I'm getting ripped.
Are you kidding me?

623
00:28:12,399 --> 00:28:15,360
Yeah, I have a one-hitter in my pocket.
It's going down.

624
00:28:15,443 --> 00:28:16,569
[audience laughing]

625
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:18,655
I get there.
I've never been to a wine tasting.

626
00:28:18,738 --> 00:28:21,157
They don't give you, like, big goblets.

627
00:28:21,866 --> 00:28:23,410
They give you these baby cups,

628
00:28:23,493 --> 00:28:25,912
like Michael Jackson's
about to eat our assholes.

629
00:28:25,995 --> 00:28:27,997
[audience laughing]

630
00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:33,002
I think that's how he did it.
I'm not sure.

631
00:28:33,086 --> 00:28:34,879
[audience laughing]

632
00:28:34,963 --> 00:28:37,465
So I bail on the tasting.
Find the dads that party.

633
00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:40,635
Ten dads over by the stage.
They've already bought all their wine.

634
00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:43,972
They've opened up the bottles
and drinking like it's <i>Game of Thrones.</i>

635
00:28:44,055 --> 00:28:44,889
[audience laughs]

636
00:28:44,973 --> 00:28:48,393
One dad's in an Austin 3:16 shirt.
I'm like, "That's my fucking table."

637
00:28:48,476 --> 00:28:49,352
[audience laughs]

638
00:28:49,436 --> 00:28:51,771
So I go over to them, chop it up.

639
00:28:52,647 --> 00:28:55,150
Work my way to the raffle
towards the end of the night.

640
00:28:55,233 --> 00:28:57,652
My buddy Darren's running the raffle.
I go, "Yo..."

641
00:28:58,653 --> 00:28:59,988
"What you got in the pot?"

642
00:29:00,864 --> 00:29:04,492
He's like, "I've only sold 40 tickets."
I said, "Oh, your prizes suck?"

643
00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:06,995
He goes, "No, I got 12 great prizes."

644
00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:09,497
I said, "Bullshit.
Why is no one buying tickets?"

645
00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:13,251
He goes, "The parents found out
that the money for this raffle

646
00:29:13,334 --> 00:29:15,628
doesn't go to our school,
but an underprivileged school."

647
00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:17,964
"They don't want to chip in
if their kids won't benefit."

648
00:29:18,047 --> 00:29:21,843
"They'd rather spend money on wine."
I'm like, "Are you fucking serious?"

649
00:29:22,719 --> 00:29:24,637
He goes, "I guess." I said, "Okay."

650
00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:29,726
"How many tickets do you want to sell?"
He's like, "Well, 700 is our goal."

651
00:29:30,935 --> 00:29:32,687
I said, "Cool, put me in for 660."

652
00:29:34,481 --> 00:29:37,650
He's like, "For real?"
I said, "Yeah, but close the raffle now."

653
00:29:37,734 --> 00:29:39,778
[audience laughing]

654
00:29:43,031 --> 00:29:45,259
He goes, "If I do,
you're gonna win a lot of the prizes."

655
00:29:45,283 --> 00:29:47,494
I go, "Darren, I want to win all of them."

656
00:29:47,577 --> 00:29:49,245
[audience laughing]

657
00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:56,002
He goes, "If you do that,
that'll upset some parents."

658
00:29:56,085 --> 00:29:58,296
I go,
"It would break my heart if it didn't."

659
00:29:58,379 --> 00:30:00,131
[audience laughing]

660
00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:02,592
I go, "You want to make
your money or not?"

661
00:30:02,675 --> 00:30:05,678
He goes, "I want to make that money."
I said, "Give me 660 tickets,

662
00:30:05,762 --> 00:30:09,224
close the raffle right now,
and do not tell a soul."

663
00:30:09,307 --> 00:30:11,017
[audience laughing]

664
00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:13,603
"What about LeeAnn?"
"Definitely don't tell her."

665
00:30:13,686 --> 00:30:14,938
[audience laughing]

666
00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:17,232
This man took me to the back of a wine bar

667
00:30:17,315 --> 00:30:19,859
and started a giggle
that lasted the entire evening

668
00:30:20,443 --> 00:30:22,695
as he peeled off...

669
00:30:22,779 --> 00:30:25,365
[audience laughing]

670
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:30,453
...six hundred and sixty tickets.

671
00:30:30,537 --> 00:30:31,996
When he handed them to me,

672
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,833
he was shaking like he was selling drugs
in ninth grade.

673
00:30:34,916 --> 00:30:36,960
[audience laughing]

674
00:30:37,043 --> 00:30:39,379
I ripped off the first ticket
and the last ticket.

675
00:30:39,462 --> 00:30:42,590
I said, "Darren, anything in between,
you know I have."

676
00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:43,716
[audience laughs]

677
00:30:44,300 --> 00:30:48,012
I have never been more excited

678
00:30:48,096 --> 00:30:50,390
for any event in my life.

679
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,183
The birth of my children?

680
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:54,894
- [blows raspberry]
- [audience laughing]

681
00:30:54,978 --> 00:30:58,606
I picked the table furthest from the stage
where they were calling the numbers

682
00:30:58,690 --> 00:31:00,525
and mapped out my parade route.

683
00:31:00,608 --> 00:31:02,151
[audience laughing]

684
00:31:02,235 --> 00:31:04,362
I had two tickets in my hand.
LeeAnn came over.

685
00:31:04,445 --> 00:31:06,447
"You bought raffle tickets?"
I go, "A couple."

686
00:31:06,531 --> 00:31:08,116
[audience laughing]

687
00:31:08,199 --> 00:31:11,494
He called the first number.
I practically leapt out of my shoes.

688
00:31:11,578 --> 00:31:14,080
I was like, "Oh, that's me!"

689
00:31:14,163 --> 00:31:15,248
[audience laughing]

690
00:31:15,331 --> 00:31:17,417
I bumped into every parent on the way.

691
00:31:17,500 --> 00:31:19,210
"Oh, I'm so sorry." [giggles]

692
00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:22,213
"No, I won. I have the winning ticket, I..."

693
00:31:22,922 --> 00:31:25,884
"There's 12 prizes,
and I won the first one!"

694
00:31:26,509 --> 00:31:29,387
"Bert Kreischer. Yes, that's my name.
I'm so sorry."

695
00:31:29,470 --> 00:31:30,470
[audience laughs]

696
00:31:30,513 --> 00:31:33,224
I get to the stage, grab my prize.
Ten drunk dads are there.

697
00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:37,145
They're like, "What did you win, Bert?"
I go, "It's a Fitbit." [giggles]

698
00:31:37,770 --> 00:31:40,106
"I'll be tracking my steps tonight, boys."

699
00:31:40,189 --> 00:31:42,191
[audience laughing]

700
00:31:42,984 --> 00:31:46,529
Get back to the table, look at LeeAnn.
I go, "Make some fucking room."

701
00:31:46,613 --> 00:31:48,823
[audience laughing]

702
00:31:48,907 --> 00:31:51,701
He calls out the next number.
I go, "Oh shit!"

703
00:31:51,784 --> 00:31:52,952
[audience laughing]

704
00:31:53,036 --> 00:31:54,495
"That's me too!"

705
00:31:55,663 --> 00:31:58,416
I start to walk. My wife, unprovoked,

706
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,336
stands up on the foot of her stool

707
00:32:01,419 --> 00:32:03,212
and announces to this wine bar,

708
00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:07,467
[in thick Southern accent] "My husband
is the luckiest guy in the world!"

709
00:32:07,550 --> 00:32:08,801
[audience laughing]

710
00:32:08,885 --> 00:32:10,678
"Swear to God, I swear to God."

711
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:13,806
"I wouldn't be shocked
if he won all 12 prizes."

712
00:32:13,890 --> 00:32:16,309
[audience laughing and applauding]

713
00:32:16,392 --> 00:32:19,687
I'm on stage now, like,
"From her mouth to God's ears."

714
00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:21,105
[audience laughing]

715
00:32:21,189 --> 00:32:23,524
Grab my prize. Ten drunk dads are like,
"What did you win?"

716
00:32:23,608 --> 00:32:25,401
"Don't know, don't fucking care."

717
00:32:25,485 --> 00:32:26,736
[audience laughing]

718
00:32:26,819 --> 00:32:29,697
Get back to the center, I go,
"Call the next fucking number, Darren."

719
00:32:29,781 --> 00:32:30,781
[audience laughs]

720
00:32:30,823 --> 00:32:33,910
He calls it, I look at LeeAnn,
I go, "Bingo, bitch!"

721
00:32:33,993 --> 00:32:36,412
[audience laughing]

722
00:32:37,246 --> 00:32:39,332
The king is back!

723
00:32:39,415 --> 00:32:41,876
[audience cheering and applauding]

724
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,378
[Bert laughs]

725
00:32:44,879 --> 00:32:46,881
[cheering and applause continues]

726
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:51,094
Now I'm just staring at parents, going,
"What did I win, Darren?"

727
00:32:52,428 --> 00:32:55,598
He is crying-laughing, and he goes,
"Diamond earrings."

728
00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:56,975
[audience laughing]

729
00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:59,686
I go, "Well, pierce my ears
and call me Kaitlyn."

730
00:32:59,769 --> 00:33:01,980
[audience cheering and laughing]

731
00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:07,026
I'm on stage putting diamonds
in my high school holes...

732
00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:08,236
[audience laughing]

733
00:33:08,903 --> 00:33:11,406
...when I see the energy of the room shift.

734
00:33:12,740 --> 00:33:14,242
It's starting in the back

735
00:33:14,325 --> 00:33:16,536
with a circle of people
around the principal,

736
00:33:17,036 --> 00:33:19,497
who yells out, "Check his tickets!"

737
00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:22,834
I yell back, "Mind your own business!"

738
00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:24,293
[audience laughing]

739
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:25,753
She does not like that.

740
00:33:26,462 --> 00:33:27,964
And now she storms the stage.

741
00:33:28,047 --> 00:33:31,384
"I see three prizes but only two tickets."

742
00:33:31,467 --> 00:33:33,302
"I want to see his tickets."

743
00:33:33,386 --> 00:33:36,264
Darren Turbow is laughing way too hard
to do anything.

744
00:33:37,515 --> 00:33:40,601
And I watch the energy of the room halt.

745
00:33:41,686 --> 00:33:44,397
The dudes in the kitchen,
they're not cooking anymore.

746
00:33:45,148 --> 00:33:47,984
They're looking out
that little sliver of a window, just...

747
00:33:49,986 --> 00:33:53,656
The bartender who was making a drink
audibly slows down, just...

748
00:33:53,740 --> 00:33:55,324
[imitates shaker slowing down]

749
00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:57,410
[audience laughing]

750
00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:03,916
The ten drunk dads who trusted me

751
00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:07,503
now are looking at me
like I let them down.

752
00:34:07,587 --> 00:34:08,963
[audience laughing]

753
00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:13,801
The way a child looks at his sports hero
and goes, "Say it ain't so, OJ."

754
00:34:13,885 --> 00:34:15,803
[audience laughing]

755
00:34:15,887 --> 00:34:17,805
[scattered applause]

756
00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:25,855
I let that energy breathe...

757
00:34:29,358 --> 00:34:31,360
[audience laughing]

758
00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:36,240
...as I reached into my pockets,

759
00:34:37,116 --> 00:34:41,412
grabbed onto 658 tickets

760
00:34:41,496 --> 00:34:43,706
like they were a hot rattlesnake,

761
00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:47,627
threw them in the air and went,
"Read 'em and weep, motherfuckers!"

762
00:34:47,710 --> 00:34:50,963
[audience laughing,
cheering, and applauding]

763
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:56,427
The room went fucking bananas.

764
00:34:56,511 --> 00:34:58,262
Ten drunk dads pounding on the table.

765
00:34:58,346 --> 00:35:00,181
"Let's fucking go!"

766
00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:01,140
[audience laughs]

767
00:35:01,224 --> 00:35:02,934
The principal is livid.

768
00:35:03,017 --> 00:35:04,936
I look at LeeAnn. She is not laughing.

769
00:35:05,019 --> 00:35:06,604
[audience laughing]

770
00:35:06,687 --> 00:35:09,524
Principal sees this,
makes a beeline to my wife,

771
00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:13,945
gets in her face and goes,
"You need to make him stop right now."

772
00:35:14,028 --> 00:35:15,028
[audience laughs]

773
00:35:15,071 --> 00:35:18,324
My wife doesn't even miss a beat.
Takes a breath and goes... [inhales]

774
00:35:18,407 --> 00:35:20,201
"Sugar, he hasn't even started."

775
00:35:20,284 --> 00:35:21,494
[audience laughing]

776
00:35:21,577 --> 00:35:23,746
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- Oh.

777
00:35:29,919 --> 00:35:33,422
"Honey, honey, there's nine more prizes
and his shirt's still on."

778
00:35:33,506 --> 00:35:34,924
"It's gonna get way worse."

779
00:35:35,007 --> 00:35:36,759
[audience laughs and cheers]

780
00:35:36,843 --> 00:35:39,971
Then my wife kills her glass of red wine,
looks at the stage and goes...

781
00:35:40,054 --> 00:35:42,431
[in Southern accent]
"Call the next fucking number, Darren."

782
00:35:42,515 --> 00:35:43,766
[audience laughing]

783
00:35:46,269 --> 00:35:48,938
Prize number four, my shirt came off.

784
00:35:49,021 --> 00:35:50,565
[audience laughs and cheers]

785
00:35:50,648 --> 00:35:53,067
Prize number five,
Steve Austin's shirt came off.

786
00:35:53,151 --> 00:35:54,443
[audience laughing]

787
00:35:54,527 --> 00:35:56,988
Prize number six,
a mom unwittingly in the back

788
00:35:57,071 --> 00:36:00,491
said just a little too loud,
"Who the fuck is this guy?"

789
00:36:00,575 --> 00:36:01,450
[audience laughs]

790
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:05,788
To which the bartender replied,
"He's the fucking machine!"

791
00:36:05,872 --> 00:36:08,332
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [Bert laughs]

792
00:36:13,212 --> 00:36:16,048
[Bert laughing]

793
00:36:16,132 --> 00:36:18,301
[cheering and applause continues]

794
00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:28,769
By prize 11, the room was polarized.

795
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:30,897
[audience laughing]

796
00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:33,733
You either absolutely loved
what was going on,

797
00:36:34,650 --> 00:36:36,777
like the ten drunk dads and the bartender...

798
00:36:36,861 --> 00:36:38,446
[audience laughing]

799
00:36:38,529 --> 00:36:39,529
...or you hated it.

800
00:36:39,572 --> 00:36:41,115
And if you hated it,

801
00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:44,827
you were now surrounding the stage
protesting the raffle.

802
00:36:44,911 --> 00:36:47,121
[audience laughing]

803
00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:48,998
These Capitol stormers...

804
00:36:49,081 --> 00:36:51,417
[audience laughing]

805
00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:52,500
[audience cheers]

806
00:36:52,543 --> 00:36:56,756
...were unhappy
with the outcome of their day,

807
00:36:57,423 --> 00:36:58,423
and took it upon...

808
00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:00,343
Look, when he called prize 12,

809
00:37:00,426 --> 00:37:01,677
I knew what I had to do.

810
00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:04,847
I had to hit him with the "suck it."
Just... [grunts]

811
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:06,265
[man in audience] Suck it!

812
00:37:06,349 --> 00:37:08,643
Twenty of them, just around the horns.

813
00:37:08,726 --> 00:37:11,312
Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!

814
00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:14,023
Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!
Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!

815
00:37:14,106 --> 00:37:15,566
[audience laughing]

816
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:17,526
I was ready. It was my job.

817
00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:20,988
And as he called the number,
I go to hit the first "Suck it"

818
00:37:21,072 --> 00:37:22,949
and realize I don't have that ticket.

819
00:37:23,032 --> 00:37:24,158
[audience laughing]

820
00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:26,077
Oh, you think you were upset?

821
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:29,789
Ten drunks dads are pounding
on the table going, "Recount! Recount!"

822
00:37:29,872 --> 00:37:31,374
[audience laughing]

823
00:37:31,457 --> 00:37:35,711
The people that hated me
were mocking me at the top of their lungs.

824
00:37:35,795 --> 00:37:38,297
They're like,
"That's what you get, fat boy!"

825
00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:42,635
"Put your shirt on, loser!
You're a loser!"

826
00:37:42,718 --> 00:37:45,471
They were so loud, I could barely hear
my wife in the back go,

827
00:37:45,554 --> 00:37:47,223
"Oh, that's me!"

828
00:37:47,306 --> 00:37:49,809
[audience laughing,
cheering, and applauding]

829
00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:58,526
We won all 12 prizes.

830
00:37:58,609 --> 00:38:00,861
[audience laughing and cheering]

831
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:05,032
And then I spent the rest of the night
drunk, shirtless with my ears pierced...

832
00:38:05,116 --> 00:38:06,784
[audience laughing]

833
00:38:06,867 --> 00:38:09,370
...holding 11 prizes,
walking up to parents, going,

834
00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:10,663
"What did you guys win?"

835
00:38:10,746 --> 00:38:12,206
[audience laughing]

836
00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:14,375
"Oh, I won everything. I totally forgot."

837
00:38:14,458 --> 00:38:16,043
[audience laughing]

838
00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:18,421
The best part of that story,
in my opinion,

839
00:38:18,504 --> 00:38:20,381
is that LeeAnn got it.

840
00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:23,676
That she got the...
She doesn't always get the joke, you know?

841
00:38:24,510 --> 00:38:25,845
Like, some things just...

842
00:38:28,472 --> 00:38:30,558
[audience laughing]

843
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:33,352
January 2020.

844
00:38:35,187 --> 00:38:38,232
I'm on a flight with my wife
to Burlington, Vermont.

845
00:38:38,941 --> 00:38:41,193
We get a text from my buddy, Tom Segura.

846
00:38:41,277 --> 00:38:43,070
Now... yes, yeah.

847
00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:45,906
[audience cheering]

848
00:38:45,990 --> 00:38:47,700
If you do not know who that is,

849
00:38:47,783 --> 00:38:51,912
he's a stand-up comedian
who cannot do... that.

850
00:38:51,996 --> 00:38:53,414
- So...
- [audience laughing]

851
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:55,082
That simple act.

852
00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:56,208
[audience cheering]

853
00:38:56,292 --> 00:38:59,837
That little act
will make this leg explode.

854
00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:00,796
[audience laughs]

855
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:04,050
And this arm will break in half right here
and spin in circles.

856
00:39:04,633 --> 00:39:05,760
Crazy. Crazy.

857
00:39:07,303 --> 00:39:10,639
- Big racist. Now he said...
- [audience laughing]

858
00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:11,932
Yeah, yeah.

859
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:14,060
Big fan of Nazis. Anyway...

860
00:39:14,894 --> 00:39:17,772
Tom sends me and LeeAnn a text,
a group text, and it says,

861
00:39:17,855 --> 00:39:19,607
"Hey, I don't know if you guys have heard

862
00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:21,942
about this new virus
called the coronavirus,

863
00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:25,738
but it's a real thing, and I just read
an article in the <i>L.A. Times."</i>

864
00:39:25,821 --> 00:39:27,990
"There's been an outbreak
in your neighborhood."

865
00:39:28,074 --> 00:39:30,910
"Here's a link to the article.
You might want to check it out."

866
00:39:30,993 --> 00:39:32,661
This is January 2020.

867
00:39:32,745 --> 00:39:35,581
I'm in a panic. I have heard of it,
but in our neighborhood?

868
00:39:35,664 --> 00:39:37,291
So I clicked the link.

869
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:39,960
I don't know if you got this.

870
00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:42,088
[audience laughing]

871
00:39:42,171 --> 00:39:43,589
But it wasn't an article.

872
00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:45,508
[audience laughing]

873
00:39:45,591 --> 00:39:47,593
[audience cheering and applauding]

874
00:39:52,056 --> 00:39:54,975
It was a picture of a Black man...

875
00:39:55,059 --> 00:39:56,394
[audience laughing]

876
00:39:56,477 --> 00:39:58,896
...naked on the side of a bed, just...

877
00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:02,316
[audience laughing and applauding]

878
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,402
[audience cheering and applauding]

879
00:40:10,699 --> 00:40:13,702
I open the link, see the picture, I laugh.
It's funny, right?

880
00:40:13,786 --> 00:40:14,787
[audience laughs]

881
00:40:14,870 --> 00:40:17,873
I finish my double Jack on the rocks,
lots of rocks.

882
00:40:17,957 --> 00:40:18,999
[audience laughs]

883
00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:21,001
I pass out.
I wake up in Burlington, Vermont

884
00:40:21,085 --> 00:40:22,503
to my wife in a tizzy.

885
00:40:24,004 --> 00:40:27,049
We're on the tarmac and she goes,
"Did you get that text from Tommy?"

886
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:28,217
[audience laughs]

887
00:40:28,300 --> 00:40:29,552
I said, "Yeah, I did."

888
00:40:29,635 --> 00:40:30,511
[audience laughs]

889
00:40:30,594 --> 00:40:32,763
She goes, "Fucking terrifying."

890
00:40:32,847 --> 00:40:34,557
[audience laughing]

891
00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:44,066
I said, "I wouldn't say that.
I think that's racist."

892
00:40:44,150 --> 00:40:45,192
[audience laughing]

893
00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:47,611
I mean, it's more than I could fit,
but yeah.

894
00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:48,779
[audience laughing]

895
00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:51,198
She goes, "No, it's in our neighborhood."

896
00:40:51,282 --> 00:40:52,992
[audience laughing]

897
00:40:56,370 --> 00:40:57,955
I go, "Did you click the link?"

898
00:40:58,581 --> 00:41:00,207
She goes, "No, I didn't have time."

899
00:41:00,291 --> 00:41:02,501
"Flight attendant
made me put my phone away."

900
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:05,588
I said, "You have to click the link."

901
00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:07,131
[audience laughing]

902
00:41:07,214 --> 00:41:09,884
She goes, "Is it bad?"
I said, "Worse than you think."

903
00:41:09,967 --> 00:41:11,969
- [audience laughing]
- [Bert laughing]

904
00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:16,223
And I watched this woman click that link.

905
00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:19,935
And the picture of that man...
His name's Wood, fittingly.

906
00:41:20,019 --> 00:41:21,395
[audience laughs]

907
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:23,981
...comes up, and I watch her
just see it, and she goes,

908
00:41:24,064 --> 00:41:26,984
"Oh no!" And swipes out.

909
00:41:27,067 --> 00:41:29,320
My wife doesn't like
looking at big cocks. So...

910
00:41:29,403 --> 00:41:30,613
[audience laughing]

911
00:41:30,696 --> 00:41:31,739
Thankfully.

912
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:34,325
She looks at me, confused.
Now, I'm just chuckling.

913
00:41:34,408 --> 00:41:36,911
[audience laughing]

914
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:38,537
She clicks the link again.

915
00:41:38,621 --> 00:41:40,039
[audience laughing]

916
00:41:40,122 --> 00:41:41,916
Must have been user error, right?

917
00:41:41,999 --> 00:41:43,042
[audience laughing]

918
00:41:43,125 --> 00:41:47,880
Same picture shows up, only this time
I watch her attempt to scroll...

919
00:41:47,963 --> 00:41:48,963
[audience laughing]

920
00:41:49,006 --> 00:41:53,344
...as if she's gonna find an article
attached to that picture.

921
00:41:53,427 --> 00:41:55,429
[audience laughing]

922
00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:57,556
Finds no such article. Swipes out.

923
00:41:57,640 --> 00:41:59,850
Clicks the link a third fucking time.

924
00:41:59,934 --> 00:42:02,353
- [audience laughing]
- I am now crying-laughing.

925
00:42:02,978 --> 00:42:05,648
And she goes, "I don't know
what's so funny. My phone's broken."

926
00:42:05,731 --> 00:42:07,733
[audience laughing]

927
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:09,610
I said, "It's a joke."

928
00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:13,572
She goes, "What?"
I said, "What do you mean, 'What'?"

929
00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:15,073
"It's a picture."

930
00:42:15,115 --> 00:42:17,835
"You thought you'd read an article,
now you're looking at this cock."

931
00:42:17,868 --> 00:42:19,787
- "It's a joke."
- [audience laughing]

932
00:42:19,870 --> 00:42:21,497
She goes, "That's not funny."

933
00:42:21,580 --> 00:42:22,957
[audience laughing]

934
00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:24,291
I said, "I disagree."

935
00:42:24,375 --> 00:42:25,668
[audience laughing]

936
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:28,837
I watched you open it three times.
It got funnier and funnier.

937
00:42:28,921 --> 00:42:30,548
[audience laughing]

938
00:42:31,298 --> 00:42:34,468
Her face goes white and she goes,
"No, that's not funny."

939
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:37,429
"I sent that to all the moms
at Georgia's school."

940
00:42:37,513 --> 00:42:39,515
[audience laughing]

941
00:42:45,521 --> 00:42:49,149
I go, "You're right, that's not funny.
That's fucking epic!"

942
00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:50,859
[audience laughing]

943
00:42:50,943 --> 00:42:53,404
[audience cheering and applauding]

944
00:42:53,487 --> 00:42:56,282
I grab her phone
and read the replies from the moms.

945
00:42:56,365 --> 00:42:58,200
The best were the cool moms
who were like,

946
00:42:58,284 --> 00:43:00,035
"I hope that doesn't hit my house."

947
00:43:00,119 --> 00:43:02,204
[audience laughing]

948
00:43:02,288 --> 00:43:05,165
One mom was like,
"My ninth grader is not ready for that."

949
00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:06,417
[audience laughs]

950
00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:09,878
Our friend Lynn Gruson wrote back,
"Are you sure that's the coronavirus?"

951
00:43:09,962 --> 00:43:11,589
"I think I had that in college."

952
00:43:11,672 --> 00:43:13,674
[audience laughing]

953
00:43:15,759 --> 00:43:19,221
And then she goes even paler
and she goes, "I sent that to our girls."

954
00:43:19,305 --> 00:43:21,765
[audience laughing]

955
00:43:21,849 --> 00:43:25,019
I called Georgia, I go, "George,
Mom sent you a link to an article."

956
00:43:25,102 --> 00:43:27,688
"Did you see it?"
She goes, "Dad, I can't unsee it."

957
00:43:27,771 --> 00:43:30,149
[audience laughing]

958
00:43:30,232 --> 00:43:33,402
"I was at softball practice.
I opened it in front of the coach."

959
00:43:33,485 --> 00:43:35,029
[audience laughing]

960
00:43:36,363 --> 00:43:38,032
I was like, "What did Coach say?"

961
00:43:38,115 --> 00:43:38,991
[audience laughs]

962
00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:41,827
"Coach said we need to get one
for batting practice." [laughs]

963
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:44,330
[audience laughing]

964
00:43:44,413 --> 00:43:46,653
I go, "What about your sister?"
She throws Ila the phone.

965
00:43:46,707 --> 00:43:48,751
I go, "Ila, Mom sent you a link.
Did you see it?"

966
00:43:48,834 --> 00:43:50,127
She goes, "I did."

967
00:43:50,210 --> 00:43:51,462
[audience laughing]

968
00:43:51,545 --> 00:43:54,632
I said, "What did you think?"
She goes, "Interesting article."

969
00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:56,717
[audience laughing]

970
00:43:59,345 --> 00:44:02,181
My daughters have
the most fucked-up sense of humor.

971
00:44:02,264 --> 00:44:03,974
[audience laughing]

972
00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:06,977
For Georgia's birthday one year,
she gets a psychic.

973
00:44:07,061 --> 00:44:10,356
She's gonna tell her and all her friends
about their past lives, right?

974
00:44:10,856 --> 00:44:13,108
The lady comes to the house.
She's 100 years old.

975
00:44:13,942 --> 00:44:16,070
Sits down across from Georgia
and her friends.

976
00:44:16,153 --> 00:44:17,404
Ila and I are at the end.

977
00:44:18,155 --> 00:44:21,617
She goes, "Okay, who's the birthday girl?"

978
00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:24,995
Ila hits me and goes,
"One hell of a psychic, Dad."

979
00:44:25,079 --> 00:44:27,748
- [Bert laughing]
- [audience laughing]

980
00:44:27,831 --> 00:44:28,831
[Bert snorts]

981
00:44:29,166 --> 00:44:31,377
Georgia's like, "I am, I am!"

982
00:44:31,460 --> 00:44:33,837
She puts her palm out
and the lady goes, "Okay..."

983
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:39,551
"In a past life,
you were a general in a great war."

984
00:44:41,512 --> 00:44:45,349
"You were responsible
for the death of 257 men."

985
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:50,437
"Those men's souls will haunt you
until the day you die."

986
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:52,856
Ila's next to me. She just goes...

987
00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:57,403
<i>♪ Happy birthday to you ♪</i>

988
00:44:57,486 --> 00:44:59,655
- [Bert laughing]
- [audience laughing]

989
00:45:00,572 --> 00:45:02,825
The best one,
from one of Georgia's birthdays.

990
00:45:02,908 --> 00:45:04,827
Both the girls pull me aside, "Hey, Dad."

991
00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:08,122
"We want to go to an escape room."
I'm like, "Both you geniuses?"

992
00:45:08,205 --> 00:45:09,498
[audience laughing]

993
00:45:09,581 --> 00:45:13,460
"You guys gonna put all 80 IQ points
together and see what happens in a room?"

994
00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:15,879
Shut the fuck up! [laughs]

995
00:45:15,963 --> 00:45:17,483
They're like, "We want you to go too."

996
00:45:17,548 --> 00:45:19,925
I go, "You want to add
drugs and alcohol? Okay."

997
00:45:20,008 --> 00:45:21,802
- [audience laughing]
- "Good call."

998
00:45:22,428 --> 00:45:23,887
They go, "No, you and Papa."

999
00:45:23,971 --> 00:45:26,056
I go, "I'm gonna stop you right there."

1000
00:45:26,140 --> 00:45:27,766
[audience laughs]

1001
00:45:27,850 --> 00:45:31,478
"Uh, me and my dad
don't work well together as a team."

1002
00:45:32,146 --> 00:45:35,983
"Okay, ladies? It's not gonna end well.
It's gonna end horrifically."

1003
00:45:36,525 --> 00:45:39,945
And they both are looking at me,
and they go, "Yeah, we know."

1004
00:45:40,028 --> 00:45:41,280
[audience laughing]

1005
00:45:41,363 --> 00:45:44,283
I said, "What?" Georgia goes,
"That's what I want for my birthday."

1006
00:45:44,366 --> 00:45:45,868
[audience laughing]

1007
00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:49,913
"I want to see Papa lose his shit
and you have a panic attack."

1008
00:45:49,997 --> 00:45:51,999
[audience laughing]

1009
00:45:56,462 --> 00:45:58,714
I was like,
"All right, he's cheap. I'll call him."

1010
00:45:58,797 --> 00:45:59,882
[audience laughing]

1011
00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:02,342
So I call my dad. My dad is 75 years old.

1012
00:46:02,426 --> 00:46:04,219
Lives in Tampa. Losing his hearing.

1013
00:46:04,303 --> 00:46:06,472
I go, "Hey, Dad.
When you guys are out in L.A.,

1014
00:46:06,555 --> 00:46:09,475
the girls want to go to an escape room."
He goes, "Rape room?"

1015
00:46:09,558 --> 00:46:10,934
[audience laughing]

1016
00:46:11,018 --> 00:46:13,103
I go, "Yeah, Dad, that's what they want."

1017
00:46:13,187 --> 00:46:15,522
[audience laughing]

1018
00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:17,858
"They want to go get raped together.
All of us."

1019
00:46:17,941 --> 00:46:18,817
[audience laughs]

1020
00:46:18,901 --> 00:46:23,197
"And then after we've all been raped,
we want to go to The Cheesecake Factory."

1021
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:24,406
[audience laughing]

1022
00:46:24,490 --> 00:46:26,283
I go, "No, Dad, an escape room."

1023
00:46:27,367 --> 00:46:30,329
And he goes, "Escape room?
What the fuck's an escape room?"

1024
00:46:30,412 --> 00:46:33,582
And I hear my mom in their kitchen,
going, "Yes! We're going!"

1025
00:46:33,665 --> 00:46:36,043
"I saw about this on the internet.
We're going!"

1026
00:46:36,126 --> 00:46:38,587
"I've always wondered
how I'd fare in a kidnapping."

1027
00:46:38,670 --> 00:46:40,714
[audience laughing]

1028
00:46:40,798 --> 00:46:43,008
My dad's like,
"Pump your brakes. We're not going."

1029
00:46:43,091 --> 00:46:44,802
"What the fuck is an escape room?"

1030
00:46:44,885 --> 00:46:47,805
And my mom's like,
"They grab you, they throw you in a van."

1031
00:46:47,888 --> 00:46:49,765
I'm like, "Don't listen to Mom, Dad."

1032
00:46:49,848 --> 00:46:51,391
[audience laughing]

1033
00:46:51,475 --> 00:46:55,145
I go, "Dad, it's a room
where we pay these kids 200 bucks."

1034
00:46:55,229 --> 00:46:58,607
"They lock us in the room,
and we gotta figure out how to get out."

1035
00:46:58,690 --> 00:47:01,652
And he's quiet on the phone
for a second, then he goes,

1036
00:47:01,735 --> 00:47:04,154
"Give me 50 bucks.
I'll lock your kids in a car."

1037
00:47:04,238 --> 00:47:06,240
- [audience laughing]
- [Bert chuckles]

1038
00:47:07,866 --> 00:47:11,912
My mom snatches the phone away and goes,
"Tell my granddaughters we're going."

1039
00:47:11,995 --> 00:47:13,580
"They can count on us."

1040
00:47:13,664 --> 00:47:16,500
"Are we supposed to wear leather?"
I'm like, "Easy, Mom."

1041
00:47:16,583 --> 00:47:17,960
[audience laughing]

1042
00:47:18,043 --> 00:47:21,713
So we go.
Me, my wife, my parents, my daughters.

1043
00:47:21,797 --> 00:47:25,175
We all go.
Now, here's where it starts to veer wrong.

1044
00:47:27,511 --> 00:47:29,555
As we start driving,
you know how escape rooms

1045
00:47:29,638 --> 00:47:31,598
normally happen in, like, a mall?

1046
00:47:33,392 --> 00:47:35,060
This was in a dude's house.

1047
00:47:35,143 --> 00:47:36,812
[audience laughing]

1048
00:47:36,895 --> 00:47:39,940
He had converted every room in his house
into an escape room,

1049
00:47:40,023 --> 00:47:41,817
much like John Wayne Gacy.

1050
00:47:41,900 --> 00:47:43,944
[audience laughing]

1051
00:47:44,027 --> 00:47:47,197
We pull into the neighborhood.
My dad's like, "No fucking way."

1052
00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:48,407
[audience laughing]

1053
00:47:48,490 --> 00:47:50,576
Georgia's like,
"Pop, I heard it's really scary."

1054
00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:52,911
He goes,
"I'm shitting my pants now, ladies."

1055
00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:55,873
We see a house painted all black,
no landscaping.

1056
00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:59,710
LeeAnn's like, "I think that's it."
My dad's like, "Keep fucking going."

1057
00:47:59,793 --> 00:48:00,919
[audience laughing]

1058
00:48:01,003 --> 00:48:03,672
Get out, go up to the door,
knock on the door.

1059
00:48:03,755 --> 00:48:05,340
Dude's already in character.

1060
00:48:06,049 --> 00:48:07,049
Oh.

1061
00:48:07,759 --> 00:48:09,845
Dude, it's L.A. This guy's good.

1062
00:48:09,928 --> 00:48:14,099
Silk robe, towel around his head,
stroking a kitty cat.

1063
00:48:14,182 --> 00:48:15,225
And he just goes...

1064
00:48:21,273 --> 00:48:22,733
"Have you seen my mother?"

1065
00:48:23,734 --> 00:48:26,653
My dad grabs my hand, he goes,
"What the fuck did he just say?"

1066
00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:27,821
[audience laughing]

1067
00:48:27,905 --> 00:48:29,615
I go, "He's looking for his mother."

1068
00:48:29,698 --> 00:48:31,783
He goes, "Tell him his mother
can suck my dick."

1069
00:48:31,867 --> 00:48:33,076
[audience laughing]

1070
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:35,287
My dad's like, "Is this real?
Is this real?"

1071
00:48:35,871 --> 00:48:37,956
I go, "It's part of the escape room.
Play along."

1072
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:40,626
He goes, "Would you like to see
a tour of my house?"

1073
00:48:40,709 --> 00:48:43,086
And my mom's,
"Yes, we would love to see a tour."

1074
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:47,299
"What's your mom's name? How old is she?
Where'd she go to college? Take notes."

1075
00:48:47,841 --> 00:48:50,302
So we go on a tour of the house.
The women are into it.

1076
00:48:50,385 --> 00:48:53,847
And my dad
is picking this guy apart left and right.

1077
00:48:53,931 --> 00:48:56,016
He's like... [sniffs]
"He smells like shit."

1078
00:48:56,099 --> 00:48:57,476
[audience laughing]

1079
00:48:57,559 --> 00:49:00,687
"Buddy, I think he fucking lives here.
I think he lives..."

1080
00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:04,399
"What kind of fucking lunatic
lives where every room is an..."

1081
00:49:04,483 --> 00:49:06,610
"He was just eating lunch."

1082
00:49:08,737 --> 00:49:11,990
"He's eating mac and cheese with coffee.
Who the fuck drinks coffee..."

1083
00:49:12,866 --> 00:49:16,203
"Black coffee with mac and cheese?
He's got IBS, I guarantee you."

1084
00:49:16,286 --> 00:49:17,286
[audience laughing]

1085
00:49:17,329 --> 00:49:20,499
I'm like, "I don't think
these are helpful clues, Dad." [laughs]

1086
00:49:21,083 --> 00:49:23,126
The guy comes in.
"Like to see Mother's room?"

1087
00:49:23,210 --> 00:49:25,087
My dad goes,
"Absolutely fucking not."

1088
00:49:25,170 --> 00:49:26,004
[audience laughs]

1089
00:49:26,088 --> 00:49:27,631
My mom's like,
"Yes, we want to see."

1090
00:49:27,714 --> 00:49:30,634
He's like, "Mother doesn't allow
car keys, cell phones, or wallets,

1091
00:49:30,717 --> 00:49:33,679
so empty your pockets
and put them on the kitchen table."

1092
00:49:33,762 --> 00:49:35,973
And like sheep, we're like, "Okay."

1093
00:49:36,056 --> 00:49:37,641
[audience laughing]

1094
00:49:37,724 --> 00:49:39,101
We empty our pockets.

1095
00:49:40,185 --> 00:49:41,603
Walk into the room.

1096
00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:46,274
And the second I step into the room,
I feel the door shut and lock behind me.

1097
00:49:46,358 --> 00:49:48,860
And I have a panic attack.

1098
00:49:48,944 --> 00:49:50,946
[audience laughing]

1099
00:49:51,738 --> 00:49:53,407
The first thing I think is,

1100
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,702
he didn't ask our names.

1101
00:49:56,785 --> 00:49:58,787
[audience laughing]

1102
00:49:59,871 --> 00:50:01,748
We didn't give him a credit card.

1103
00:50:01,832 --> 00:50:03,709
[audience laughing]

1104
00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:05,252
We didn't fill out a waiver.

1105
00:50:05,335 --> 00:50:06,753
[audience laughing]

1106
00:50:06,837 --> 00:50:09,047
We didn't even really check the address.

1107
00:50:09,131 --> 00:50:10,882
[audience laughing]

1108
00:50:10,966 --> 00:50:13,885
We just saw one sketchy house
in a neighborhood,

1109
00:50:14,594 --> 00:50:17,222
knocked on the door,
he presented a problem,

1110
00:50:17,305 --> 00:50:19,975
and we're like,
"The Scooby-Doo gang will figure it out."

1111
00:50:20,058 --> 00:50:21,268
[audience laughing]

1112
00:50:21,351 --> 00:50:23,186
Now we're locked in this fucking house.

1113
00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:27,274
My dad's next to me going, "Tell me
where I steer wrong in this story."

1114
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:28,233
[audience laughs]

1115
00:50:28,316 --> 00:50:31,695
"Did you just walk your family
into a serial killer's house?"

1116
00:50:31,778 --> 00:50:32,778
[audience laughs]

1117
00:50:32,821 --> 00:50:36,742
Georgia goes, "Papa, isn't this scary?"
He goes, "You have no fucking idea."

1118
00:50:36,825 --> 00:50:38,368
[audience laughing]

1119
00:50:38,452 --> 00:50:41,413
"You two are getting sold
to the goddamn Albanians tonight."

1120
00:50:41,496 --> 00:50:42,581
[audience laughing]

1121
00:50:42,664 --> 00:50:45,459
"You'll be working in a Chechen whorehouse
the rest of your lives."

1122
00:50:45,542 --> 00:50:47,586
Ila's like,
"Papa, how do we get out of here?"

1123
00:50:47,669 --> 00:50:50,172
He goes,
"I think I have to suck that guy's dick."

1124
00:50:50,255 --> 00:50:51,631
[audience laughing]

1125
00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:54,718
"Someone's sucking his dick.
I nominate your shithead dad."

1126
00:50:54,801 --> 00:50:55,886
[audience laughing]

1127
00:50:55,969 --> 00:50:58,472
My mom's in the corner,
"You think he's gonna tie us up?"

1128
00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:00,682
My dad's like, "Shut the fuck up, Maggie!"

1129
00:51:00,766 --> 00:51:01,641
[audience laughs]

1130
00:51:01,725 --> 00:51:05,020
"Your shithead son just walked us
into a serial killer's house

1131
00:51:05,771 --> 00:51:06,813
who smells like shit."

1132
00:51:06,897 --> 00:51:08,523
"Did anyone smell this guy?"

1133
00:51:08,607 --> 00:51:12,110
"Maybe it's because he eats mac and cheese
and coffee all fucking day."

1134
00:51:12,194 --> 00:51:14,488
Guy's like, "Sir, I can hear you."

1135
00:51:14,571 --> 00:51:15,989
[audience laughing]

1136
00:51:16,073 --> 00:51:18,784
Now I'm having
a full-blown anxiety attack,

1137
00:51:18,867 --> 00:51:23,371
and for me, they happen in my stomach,
and I have to shit immediately.

1138
00:51:23,455 --> 00:51:24,748
[audience laughing]

1139
00:51:24,831 --> 00:51:27,501
I'm looking around the room for a vase
or something to shit in.

1140
00:51:27,584 --> 00:51:28,460
[audience laughs]

1141
00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:31,922
My dad knows me way too well.
He goes, "Oh fucking no, you don't!"

1142
00:51:32,005 --> 00:51:35,300
"It's tennis camp all over again.
He's gonna shit in the houseplant."

1143
00:51:35,801 --> 00:51:39,262
"Goddamn it, this fucking shithead
walks us into a serial killer's house,

1144
00:51:39,346 --> 00:51:41,473
and now he's gonna shit
in his mom's room?"

1145
00:51:41,556 --> 00:51:42,556
[audience laughing]

1146
00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:45,060
My daughters are skipping,
they're so excited.

1147
00:51:45,143 --> 00:51:46,019
[audience laughs]

1148
00:51:46,103 --> 00:51:50,440
My wife is a fucking savage.
She saw four clues by herself.

1149
00:51:50,524 --> 00:51:52,818
[audience laughing]

1150
00:51:52,901 --> 00:51:55,737
Pulls a lever under the desk.
House lights drop out.

1151
00:51:56,822 --> 00:51:58,698
We hear two screams and a thud.

1152
00:51:59,449 --> 00:52:00,449
Lights click back on.

1153
00:52:00,492 --> 00:52:03,578
I'm holding both my daughters
like a human shield.

1154
00:52:03,662 --> 00:52:05,122
[audience laughing]

1155
00:52:05,205 --> 00:52:07,833
My mother's on the floor
in a steamer trunk.

1156
00:52:07,916 --> 00:52:10,043
"Your father threw me into the wall!"

1157
00:52:10,127 --> 00:52:11,294
[audience laughing]

1158
00:52:11,378 --> 00:52:14,089
My dad's like,
"Fuck her, she's a liar. She tripped."

1159
00:52:14,172 --> 00:52:15,298
[audience laughing]

1160
00:52:15,382 --> 00:52:18,009
Guy's like, "I saw it.
He threw her into the wall."

1161
00:52:18,093 --> 00:52:19,261
[audience laughing]

1162
00:52:19,344 --> 00:52:22,889
LeeAnn solves two more clues
and a trapdoor opens up out of the wall,

1163
00:52:22,973 --> 00:52:25,809
exposing a crawl space
two feet tall by three feet wide,

1164
00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:28,478
down the length of the wall
into another room.

1165
00:52:28,562 --> 00:52:30,480
My mom sticks her head in.

1166
00:52:30,564 --> 00:52:31,564
Pops out and goes...

1167
00:52:31,606 --> 00:52:32,983
[gasps, chuckles]

1168
00:52:34,568 --> 00:52:36,570
"I think we should all get in the wall."

1169
00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:38,321
[audience laughing]

1170
00:52:38,405 --> 00:52:40,157
My dad's like, "You first."

1171
00:52:40,240 --> 00:52:41,616
[audience laughing]

1172
00:52:41,700 --> 00:52:44,661
She gets in the wall,
he goes, "Fuck her, she's dead to us."

1173
00:52:44,744 --> 00:52:45,954
[audience laughing]

1174
00:52:46,037 --> 00:52:47,956
"Good riddance. We didn't need her."

1175
00:52:48,039 --> 00:52:51,918
LeeAnn gets in the wall and he goes,
"There goes the brains of the operation!"

1176
00:52:52,419 --> 00:52:55,297
"I'm stuck with you three shitheads.
Get in the fucking wall."

1177
00:52:55,797 --> 00:52:59,926
I go, "I'm not getting in the wall, Dad."
Georgia goes, "Make Dad get in the wall."

1178
00:53:00,552 --> 00:53:02,220
I go, "Georgia, I'm claustrophobic."

1179
00:53:02,304 --> 00:53:04,931
Ila's like, "What's Christmas
have to do with this, Dad?"

1180
00:53:05,015 --> 00:53:06,808
"Shut the fuck up, Ila!"

1181
00:53:06,892 --> 00:53:09,477
[audience laughing]

1182
00:53:10,395 --> 00:53:12,731
My dad's like,
"Buddy, I got bad news for you."

1183
00:53:13,231 --> 00:53:15,150
"You're getting in that fucking wall."

1184
00:53:15,233 --> 00:53:16,109
[audience laughs]

1185
00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:19,362
He goes, "Girls, you get in first.
Big guy, I will be behind you."

1186
00:53:19,446 --> 00:53:22,157
"You close your eyes. Listen to my voice."

1187
00:53:22,240 --> 00:53:24,910
"I'll coach you through the wall,
and trust me,

1188
00:53:25,493 --> 00:53:28,955
if you freeze up, I will bulldoze your ass
through that fucking wall."

1189
00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:30,039
[audience laughing]

1190
00:53:30,081 --> 00:53:31,625
"Now, let's fucking go."

1191
00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:36,087
And we get in the wall.
My daughters, me, my dad.

1192
00:53:36,630 --> 00:53:39,716
I listened to his voice,
like when I was a kid and played baseball.

1193
00:53:39,799 --> 00:53:41,009
"We got this, big guy."

1194
00:53:41,593 --> 00:53:42,677
"We can do anything."

1195
00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:46,598
"Listen to my voice. We can do this.
Me and you. Big team."

1196
00:53:47,182 --> 00:53:48,266
Now...

1197
00:53:48,350 --> 00:53:50,477
[audience laughing]

1198
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:53,230
...I don't know if it was...

1199
00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:56,566
the angle of my body...

1200
00:53:56,650 --> 00:53:58,652
[audience laughing]

1201
00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:05,867
...the anxiety...

1202
00:54:07,619 --> 00:54:09,829
that was resting in my stomach...

1203
00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:14,167
or shimmying on all fours...

1204
00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:16,378
[audience laughing]

1205
00:54:16,461 --> 00:54:19,589
...but I let out a novel virus fart, like...

1206
00:54:19,673 --> 00:54:21,132
[audience laughing]

1207
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:24,344
The kind that come out of your ass
like hot breath, just...

1208
00:54:24,427 --> 00:54:27,722
- [moans]
- [audience laughing]

1209
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:31,142
The kind of farts that escape your body

1210
00:54:31,226 --> 00:54:33,436
like a curse out
of a mummy's sarcophagus, just...

1211
00:54:33,520 --> 00:54:36,189
- [hissing]
- [audience laughing]

1212
00:54:37,148 --> 00:54:42,028
The kind of farts that burn your asshole.
Just the fart, the air burns your asshole.

1213
00:54:42,112 --> 00:54:45,865
And you think to yourself, "That was air.
I'm gonna be shitting blood later."

1214
00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:47,951
[audience laughing]

1215
00:54:48,618 --> 00:54:51,705
And I release it into my father's mouth
human centipede-style.

1216
00:54:51,788 --> 00:54:53,498
[audience laughing]

1217
00:54:54,958 --> 00:54:59,587
He goes from coach to cunt real quick.
Just, "We got this, big guy!"

1218
00:54:59,671 --> 00:55:01,131
"We can... We can..."

1219
00:55:01,631 --> 00:55:03,174
- [groans]
- [audience laughing]

1220
00:55:03,258 --> 00:55:04,384
"Oh fuck, keep going."

1221
00:55:04,467 --> 00:55:05,719
[groans]

1222
00:55:05,802 --> 00:55:07,637
"We can do any... [groans]
What the fuck?!"

1223
00:55:08,305 --> 00:55:10,557
"I think we rolled up
on a dead animal." [groans]

1224
00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:11,933
[audience laughing]

1225
00:55:12,017 --> 00:55:13,351
"I think it's asbestos."

1226
00:55:13,893 --> 00:55:16,521
[groans] "It's burning my eyes!
Keep moving."

1227
00:55:16,604 --> 00:55:17,731
[groans]

1228
00:55:18,398 --> 00:55:20,942
"I feel like I'm in the tunnel
from <i>Shawshank Redemption."</i>

1229
00:55:21,026 --> 00:55:22,610
"Why aren't you moving?"

1230
00:55:22,694 --> 00:55:24,863
[groans] "It's in my skin!"

1231
00:55:25,655 --> 00:55:27,657
"It's burning my clo..." [groans]

1232
00:55:28,533 --> 00:55:29,951
"Move, asshole!"

1233
00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:33,163
I turned around, I go,
"I can't. I think I'm gonna shit."

1234
00:55:33,246 --> 00:55:35,332
- He goes, "You did this?!"
- [audience laughing]

1235
00:55:35,415 --> 00:55:37,917
"You did this?!
I think you gave me cancer!"

1236
00:55:38,001 --> 00:55:39,544
- [audience laughing]
- [groans]

1237
00:55:40,211 --> 00:55:42,881
"I can taste it in my molars!
Keep moving!"

1238
00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:44,758
- [audience laughing]
- [groans]

1239
00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:51,598
My daughters come flying out of that wall
the happiest they've ever fucking been.

1240
00:55:51,681 --> 00:55:53,141
[audience laughing]

1241
00:55:53,224 --> 00:55:56,102
Go right up to my mom and they go,
"Nana, it's happening."

1242
00:55:56,186 --> 00:55:57,729
[audience laughing]

1243
00:55:57,812 --> 00:56:00,774
I come out of the wall, I'm like,
"Nana, big guy's unhappy."

1244
00:56:00,857 --> 00:56:01,983
[audience laughing]

1245
00:56:02,067 --> 00:56:05,570
My dad comes out of that wall
like Saddam Hussein out of a spider hole.

1246
00:56:05,653 --> 00:56:06,988
[audience laughing]

1247
00:56:07,072 --> 00:56:09,491
"Cocksucker! Motherfucker!"

1248
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:12,535
"God! You're going to a fucking doctor!"

1249
00:56:12,619 --> 00:56:13,620
[audience laughing]

1250
00:56:13,703 --> 00:56:15,955
"That is not healthy. That is not..."

1251
00:56:16,039 --> 00:56:18,416
"He shits like your side
of the family, Maggie."

1252
00:56:18,500 --> 00:56:21,002
"You need a colonoscopy.
You need a colonoscopy."

1253
00:56:21,086 --> 00:56:24,798
"That's what's wrong. I'm telling you.
Where the fuck's your goddamn wife?"

1254
00:56:24,881 --> 00:56:26,508
[audience laughing]

1255
00:56:26,591 --> 00:56:29,469
LeeAnn comes out
of the rafters of the ceiling...

1256
00:56:29,552 --> 00:56:31,179
[audience laughing]

1257
00:56:31,262 --> 00:56:34,099
...and is like, "I think I solved
the escape room, Albert."

1258
00:56:34,182 --> 00:56:35,058
[audience laughs]

1259
00:56:35,141 --> 00:56:37,685
"Try one of the doors."
He goes, "The fuck I will!"

1260
00:56:37,769 --> 00:56:38,686
[audience laughs]

1261
00:56:38,770 --> 00:56:41,898
Grabs the first handle
of three on the wall,

1262
00:56:41,981 --> 00:56:43,900
and it doesn't move, it's just locked.

1263
00:56:43,983 --> 00:56:44,818
[imitates rattle]

1264
00:56:44,901 --> 00:56:49,197
My daughters now have crossed their legs.
They're about to piss their pants.

1265
00:56:49,906 --> 00:56:52,534
He is at a level nine. "Motherfucker!"

1266
00:56:52,617 --> 00:56:53,493
[audience laughs]

1267
00:56:53,576 --> 00:56:56,621
Grabs the next door.
Nothing. "Cocksucker!"

1268
00:56:57,497 --> 00:57:00,792
Grabs the third door,
and as it flies open,

1269
00:57:00,875 --> 00:57:04,129
he turns his back to the door,
looks at us and goes,

1270
00:57:04,212 --> 00:57:06,172
"Fucking finally!"

1271
00:57:06,256 --> 00:57:07,841
[audience laughing]

1272
00:57:07,924 --> 00:57:09,634
He doesn't see what we see...

1273
00:57:09,717 --> 00:57:11,136
[audience laughing]

1274
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:13,179
which is a 90-year-old woman

1275
00:57:14,639 --> 00:57:16,349
in her nightgown in a closet.

1276
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:18,726
She's been in this closet for 45 minutes.

1277
00:57:18,810 --> 00:57:20,019
[audience laughing]

1278
00:57:20,103 --> 00:57:22,230
I don't know who's more scared, her or us.

1279
00:57:22,313 --> 00:57:24,482
[audience laughing]

1280
00:57:24,566 --> 00:57:28,361
She's trying to adjust her eyes
to the light and remember her line.

1281
00:57:28,445 --> 00:57:31,322
And she just goes... [yelling]

1282
00:57:31,406 --> 00:57:32,782
My dad shuts the door...

1283
00:57:32,866 --> 00:57:34,075
[audience laughing]

1284
00:57:34,159 --> 00:57:37,912
...puts his heel on it, and he's like,
"Everybody, back in the fucking wall!"

1285
00:57:37,996 --> 00:57:39,873
[audience laughing]

1286
00:57:39,956 --> 00:57:42,417
My girls are now on the fucking floor.

1287
00:57:43,334 --> 00:57:44,836
Georgia looks at me and goes,

1288
00:57:44,919 --> 00:57:47,672
"This is better than I thought
it could have ever been!"

1289
00:57:47,755 --> 00:57:49,090
[audience laughing]

1290
00:57:49,174 --> 00:57:52,677
My dad looks at me and he goes,
"What the fuck are they talking about?"

1291
00:57:53,386 --> 00:57:56,055
I go, "Dad, you're not gonna be happy
when you hear this."

1292
00:57:56,139 --> 00:57:57,140
[audience laughing]

1293
00:57:57,223 --> 00:57:59,225
"But the only reason
they wanted you to come...

1294
00:58:00,852 --> 00:58:02,145
is for this right now."

1295
00:58:02,228 --> 00:58:04,355
[audience laughing]

1296
00:58:04,439 --> 00:58:06,274
He goes, "To solve the escape room?"

1297
00:58:07,358 --> 00:58:10,528
I go, "No, to watch you lose your shit."

1298
00:58:10,612 --> 00:58:12,155
[audience laughing]

1299
00:58:12,906 --> 00:58:15,074
He's still standing there,
heel on the door.

1300
00:58:15,617 --> 00:58:18,411
Looks around the room
like he's trying to find someone to love.

1301
00:58:18,495 --> 00:58:20,788
[audience laughing]

1302
00:58:20,872 --> 00:58:22,582
Lands on my daughters and he goes,

1303
00:58:23,208 --> 00:58:24,334
"You wanted this?"

1304
00:58:24,417 --> 00:58:26,669
[audience laughs]

1305
00:58:26,753 --> 00:58:28,087
"This is what you wanted."

1306
00:58:29,214 --> 00:58:30,798
Looks at his watch and he goes,

1307
00:58:32,050 --> 00:58:34,636
"My Apple Watch says my heart rate's 154."

1308
00:58:34,719 --> 00:58:36,721
[audience laughing]

1309
00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:42,185
"I'm 75 years old, ladies."

1310
00:58:42,268 --> 00:58:43,811
[audience laughing]

1311
00:58:43,895 --> 00:58:45,980
"I'm on nine different medications."

1312
00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:48,691
"I got high blood pressure,
high cholesterol."

1313
00:58:48,775 --> 00:58:50,944
"Your father just shit in my mouth!"

1314
00:58:51,027 --> 00:58:51,903
[audience laughs]

1315
00:58:51,986 --> 00:58:55,323
"And we got the old lady from <i>Titanic</i>
locked in a fucking closet!"

1316
00:58:55,406 --> 00:58:56,449
[audience laughing]

1317
00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:58,034
"And this is what you wanted?"

1318
00:58:58,868 --> 00:59:00,578
Ila looks at Georgia and goes...

1319
00:59:00,662 --> 00:59:04,749
<i>♪ Happy birthday to you ♪</i>

1320
00:59:04,832 --> 00:59:06,834
[audience cheering and applauding]

1321
00:59:09,671 --> 00:59:10,755
Omaha!

1322
00:59:10,838 --> 00:59:13,550
[rock music playing]

1323
00:59:13,633 --> 00:59:16,553
[audience cheering and applauding]

1324
00:59:16,636 --> 00:59:20,056
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

1325
00:59:20,139 --> 00:59:22,517
[cheering and applause continues]

1326
00:59:24,018 --> 00:59:27,188
[rock music continues]

1327
00:59:38,074 --> 00:59:39,993
[audience cheering]

1328
00:59:48,626 --> 00:59:50,545
[rock music continues]