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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪各位先生女士

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‪有请伯特·克赖舍上台!

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‪片名:伯特·克赖舍 今夜来狂欢

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‪好极了!

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‪谢谢

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‪谢谢 很好

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‪先生 你很帅

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‪谢谢

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‪我知道我很帅 谢谢你 先生

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‪这是我这辈子脂肪最少的一次

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‪我懂

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‪我太胖了 跑步时肛毛都会打结

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‪没错 人很难意识到肛毛打结
‪那其实是一种享受

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‪走进浴室 拿一块香皂

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‪像刷信用那样刷屁股缝

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‪结果信用卡被拒了
‪因为肛毛已经连成一条绳子了

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‪两侧臀瓣连在一起

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‪通常刷刷两下子就解开了
‪大多数体毛多的男人...

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‪有些意大利女子可以验证这点

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‪把手指伸进屁眼抠抠就松了

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‪不然就像扎辫子睡觉那样不舒服

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‪有一次 我们去度假
‪期间我的肛毛怎么也松不开

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‪我在浴室里一直抠

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‪我也会紧张的 毕竟当时我想拉屎

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‪再不想想办法
‪下面就会粘着一坨培乐多彩泥

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‪于是我匆匆走出浴室

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‪抄起了小刀 走到我老婆面前

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‪我说:“告诉我
‪我们是不是同一阵线的?”

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‪她回答:“我们是同一阵线的”

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‪先说清楚 我老婆是个南方乡下白人

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‪我们在老家提交的结婚申请书上

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‪要回答的第三道问题是
‪“你们有没有血缘关系?”

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‪我问:“第三题要怎么回答?”

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‪她反问:“你跟我有血缘关系吗?”

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‪我回答:“应该没有”

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‪她说:“那你就写没有啊”
‪我说:“休想 写没有就等于是有”

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‪回到正题

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‪我把小刀交给我老婆说:“有点状况”

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‪我转过身去
‪让她看清楚出状况的部位

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‪她看了问:“你为什么做这种事?”

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‪问得好 莉安

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‪我想到我们度假期间

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‪她坐在泳池旁提醒我:“把肛毛扎好”

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‪我说:“我不是故意的 神经病

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‪你这个变态理发师
‪赶紧把肛毛剪开 我下面都打结了”

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‪她说:“休想 跟我无关”

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‪我说:“不好意思 跟你有关

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‪说真的 这座岛上只有你

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‪可以剪开这些肛毛”

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‪我总不能打去柜台
‪要求他们派一个手艺好的人上来

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‪“你们的树篱是谁修剪的?
‪我欣赏他的手艺”

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‪她说:“不要” 她把小刀放下

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‪然后打开吹风机
‪仿佛我们的对话已经结束了

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‪我心想:“你想玩 是吗?
‪那我们就来玩啊”

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‪我抄起小刀
‪提醒你们 我当时还光着身子

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‪我坐在床边 面对着她

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‪然后躺下面朝天 双脚高高举起
‪就像一个等着换尿布的宝宝

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‪接着哇哇大叫起来

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‪“宝宝的肛毛打结了”

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‪当时我没听到
‪两个女儿走进房间的声音

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‪只听到她们叫道:“天啊
‪我看到老爸的阴道了!”

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‪吓得我魂飞魄散

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‪我光着身子跳起来 手上握着小刀

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‪就像准备跟两个劫财的妓女干架一样

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‪莉安压根不知道是什么情况

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‪她看到房里的乱局后 关上吹风筒说

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‪“好吧 小刀给我 我帮你剪肛毛”

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‪我两个女儿都被吓呆了
‪“你们到底在干什么?”

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‪说完马上冲出去 这下我可麻烦了

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‪我老婆说:“提醒你一下
‪对女儿露丁丁是不对的”

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‪我听了说:“安柏·赫德 我反对
‪我没有那个意思”

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‪很好 大姐 走回来

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‪很好

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‪首先 她们看到的不只是我的丁丁

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‪不然就跟到公园散步差不多

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‪她们看到的是全套
‪“三部曲”都看完了

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‪也就是屁眼、丁丁和睾丸

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‪第二 我没有刻意对她们露鸟
‪我可没说:“丫头...

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‪作业快做完了吗?

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‪很好 15分钟后到车库找我
‪我要给你们看一件东西”

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‪她们看到时 我丁丁的状态不太好
‪这才是我感到烦躁的地方

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‪等一下 听我解释
‪我并不是指我的老二要硬起来才行

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‪但是...

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‪起码硬一点也好

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‪我们总不能让女儿带着
‪“老爸有个小丁丁”的想法上大学吧

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‪否则她们第一次看到男人脱光
‪就以为那个才叫肉棒

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‪“我的妈啊!

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‪我爸那叫‘小鸟’ 他那叫‘肉棒’

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‪掏出来在派对上露一露没问题
‪我爸那话儿只能露给护士看”

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‪她们当时看到的是
‪被脂肪覆盖住的丁丁

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‪就缩在那边 毫无防备

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‪看起来就搁浅的鲸鱼

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‪看不到“起点” 只看到“终点”

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‪像个把头伸进井口里的小男孩
‪“里面是什么情况?”

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‪真他妈的 我看过我爸光着身子

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‪看过好多次

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‪有一次我在浴室里待太久了
‪他擅自闯进浴室

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‪那年我才初三

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‪我一紧张起来 就模仿起
‪《沉默的羔羊》中的水牛·比尔

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‪把老二夹在两腿之间

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‪我看过我妈全裸的样子
‪虽然次数不多 但也够多了

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‪第一次有女人在我面前脱光衣服
‪我问她:“你的剖腹产疤痕在哪里?”

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‪我老婆对孩子们非常诚实

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‪每次都对她们据实以告
‪有一晚我们一起用餐

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‪我三杯黄汤下肚后 两个女儿问:
‪“你们碰过毒品吗?”

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‪我反问:“你们真当自己是警察吗?”

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‪我老婆直接说:“碰过”

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‪我问她搞什么鬼
‪她说:“我们要对女儿诚实”

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‪她接着说:“我抽过两次大麻

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‪不太喜欢那种感觉

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‪抽了想吐  后来再也不抽了

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‪可是你们老爸抽过可卡因”
‪我听了大骂:“搞什么鬼?”

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‪莉安 她们没有叫你推荐毒品

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‪她说:“你就跟她们老实说吧 说啊

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‪赶紧把真相告诉她们”

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‪我说:“好吧 我尝过可卡因一次

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‪不太喜欢那种感觉

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‪抽了想吐 后来再也不抽了”

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‪接着我听到我老婆的笑声

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‪她说:“骗人
‪你们老爸抽过可卡因很多次”

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‪于是我说:
‪“你们老妈13岁那年就破处了

124
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‪说啊 把这段经历告诉她们”

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‪没错 她就是个婊子!

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‪接着她靠过来说:
‪“首先 当时我差不多14岁

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‪第二 我老家那边
‪人们不是啪啪 就是打架和赛车”

128
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‪我心想:“难道我真娶了
‪一个南方乡下白人吗?”

129
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‪她对女儿说:“抱歉
‪我没你们老爸那么纯情

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‪他这辈子只跟六个人上过床

131
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‪他活到17岁才破处”

132
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‪我辩说:“我澄清一下
‪是六个女人 不是随便一个人

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‪还有17岁破处很正常”
‪只是两个女儿先听到妈妈17岁破处

134
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,868
‪如今她们看着我 一副惊讶的表情

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‪“老爸 你以前在家学习吗?”

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‪我说:“13岁破处才有问题 好吗?

137
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‪17岁破处很正常
‪我没被非礼 你妈那叫非礼”

138
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‪我高中时期又没有窝在
‪停放在草场上的皮卡后座

139
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‪完事后喊:“下一个!”

140
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‪我对这个女人简直又爱又恨

141
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,484
‪我有个好朋友卖掉公司后
‪捞了一大笔钱

142
00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:30,319
‪于是把老婆甩了 换了个新欢

143
00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:31,779
‪那个新欢才27岁

144
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‪真的 他把新欢带来我们家

145
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‪向我们炫耀说:“这女人压根不识字”

146
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‪那一晚 我和我老婆躺在床上
‪我是指我那个“老”老婆

147
00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:47,962
‪只见被单下的她穿着袜子

148
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‪披着长袖毛衣、戴着双光眼镜
‪正在看杂志

149
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:56,053
‪用手指沾了口水来翻页

150
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:03,978
‪我当时喝醉了

151
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:07,690
‪我靠过去

152
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:10,318
‪听好 这就是我和我老婆的关系

153
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,779
‪我靠过去 望着她问

154
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,532
‪“不知道我能不能也换个新的”

155
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:20,536
‪她望着我说

156
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,622
‪“我倒想知道你换不换得成

157
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,752
‪你连展车都不知道怎么开”

158
00:10:29,086 --> 00:10:31,088
‪新车的气味 加上一键启动按钮

159
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:36,010
‪我回应:“那是因为旧车开太久了”

160
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,770
‪谁曾把老婆搞到快要高潮时
‪瞬间泄气吗?

161
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,147
‪把老婆搞到就快高潮时...

162
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:54,820
‪家里的猫突然跳上床 它也要“参战”

163
00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:59,742
‪于是我大叫:“古斯 给我滚下床”

164
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:03,871
‪好了 来吧 一、二、三

165
00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:05,956
‪这才像话 天啊 操他妈的!

166
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‪我很快就射了
‪快得有一次高潮后 她竟然笑我

167
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:18,135
‪她说:“你这么快就射了
‪应该不会染上艾滋病”

168
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‪没错 她爱欺负人

169
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‪她就爱欺负人 她从来不为我口

170
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‪天啊

171
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:28,979
‪我被她耍得团团转

172
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:30,940
‪她会抓住我的丁丁

173
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,275
‪用这种表情盯着我

174
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,581
‪这玩意还行吗?

175
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:54,588
‪知道为了让人给我们口
‪刻意挤出笑容有多难受吗?

176
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:56,549
‪我还堂堂一个谐星呢

177
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,510
‪我把这事告诉我的老朋友汤姆
‪他说换成他 他会精神崩溃

178
00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:03,347
‪他还说:“知道如果我给你口后
‪我会做什么吗?”

179
00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:04,807
‪我说:“请说”

180
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:12,356
‪他说:“我尊重你是谐星的身份

181
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:14,942
‪所以每次给你口时
‪我都会给你带来最原创的笑料”

182
00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:18,237
‪我说:“举个例子看看”

183
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:21,907
‪他眼睛眨也不眨
‪他说他会握住我老二 望着我的眼睛

184
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:26,871
‪然后说:“本周迎来了
‪《挑战美食堂》特辑

185
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,917
‪有个男人把一根丁丁含在嘴里
‪直到它爆炸为止”

186
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:35,713
‪我们一起笑到流泪

187
00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:40,718
‪一个月后 我和我老婆躺在床上

188
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:44,138
‪她俯下身去为我口

189
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:46,724
‪我彻底忘记了我和汤姆的那段对话

190
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:50,352
‪直到她...

191
00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:56,317
‪拍拍我的丁丁
‪我才突然爆笑出来

192
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,071
‪她说:“你终于搞懂了”
‪我问:“搞懂什么?”

193
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,824
‪她说:“搞懂我的段子啊
‪我当它是麦克风”

194
00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:05,868
‪我问:“你以为我不懂这个段子吗?”

195
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:10,331
‪她说:“你没笑啊”
‪我说:“那是因为段子不好笑”

196
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:14,043
‪她问:“既然不好笑
‪那你现在笑什么?”

197
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,086
‪我说:“我想到了汤姆”

198
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,352
‪我接着说:“他的段子比你的好笑”

199
00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:35,189
‪她把我两个女儿变成小恶霸

200
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:39,068
‪有一晚 我们一起在看甘地的纪录片

201
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:43,197
‪我说:“我不理解
‪他为什么要绝食抗议”

202
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,784
‪我女儿乔治娅从头到脚端详我一遍
‪然后说:“不会吧?”

203
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:55,417
‪她们都不叫我爸爸
‪私下给我取了外号 例如“胖猫”

204
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,088
‪还有“小宝宝”
‪她们竟然叫我“小宝宝”

205
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:04,677
‪她们私下给我取了一个外号
‪还用了整整两年

206
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,847
‪有一晚我们外出用餐
‪莉安给她们发了一则短信

207
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,224
‪她们看了边咯咯笑边说:
‪“妈妈 这个好笑”

208
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:14,353
‪我问:“什么好笑?”
‪她们说:“说了你也不会懂的”

209
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:16,897
‪我听了说:
‪“我可是这张桌上最懂得搞笑的人

210
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:21,944
‪这顿晚饭和你们的牙齿都是我付的
‪你们倒是说说看我为什么不懂”

211
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,243
‪我女儿艾拉说:
‪“你听了可能会觉得不好笑”

212
00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:33,372
‪于是我去上厕所 然后迅速回座

213
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,457
‪途中从艾拉的肩膀上探过头去看
‪她动作慢

214
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:41,672
‪我看到手机频幕上有一大堆我的照片

215
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:45,509
‪聊天主题是“海象宝宝”

216
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:52,349
‪我感到震惊不已 回座后
‪我问:“什么是海象宝宝?”

217
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:56,812
‪她们愣了一下后说:
‪“重点不是‘什么’是海象宝宝

218
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,815
‪而是‘谁’是海象宝宝”

219
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,986
‪我问:“那谁是海象宝宝?”

220
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,489
‪艾拉说:“不用说你也知道吧”

221
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:09,700
‪乔治娅说:“冷静点 老爸

222
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,870
‪妈妈觉得你每次穿上正装时

223
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,625
‪看起来就像个
‪企图逃出动物园的海象宝宝”

224
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,130
‪我把目光转向莉安 她说:“冷静点

225
00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:25,215
‪你的动作很像海象宝宝”

226
00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:28,552
‪我说我不像海象宝宝
‪接着女服务生走前来

227
00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:31,221
‪她说:“双份蒂朵丝加苏打水
‪大杯 不加青柠 对吗?”

228
00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:32,890
‪我想都不想就...

229
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:38,979
‪艾拉取出手机说:
‪“海象宝宝爱喝伏特加” 点了个爱心

230
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:43,067
‪我要毁掉这三个女人

231
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,154
‪我两个女儿笨得像猪一样
‪有一次我们一起去露营

232
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:51,575
‪一家人去荒郊野外露营

233
00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:53,786
‪晚上10点 两个女儿在烤棉花糖

234
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,872
‪莉安坐在帐篷旁清理盘碗
‪我则坐在一旁喝私酿酒

235
00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:01,126
‪晚上10点 我们听见一阵枪声

236
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:02,044
‪“碰”的一声

237
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:04,755
‪我们都吓愣了 莉安是南方乡下白人

238
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,174
‪她说:“有人来例假了”
‪诸如此类的话

239
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:31,323
‪她也不是那种十足的南方乡下白人
‪只是她气自己无法摆脱那种口音

240
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:35,035
‪今晚整场演出下来 她会被越描越黑

241
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:43,127
‪晚上10点 我们听到一阵枪声
‪大伙儿都吓愣了

242
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:46,005
‪接下来十秒内 没人敢说一句话

243
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:48,632
‪接着又一阵枪声响起

244
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:53,679
‪我女儿艾拉从火堆上取出棉花糖

245
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,807
‪望着我们 自信满满地说:
‪“这么看来...

246
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,269
‪起码我们知道不是自杀事件”

247
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:14,783
‪我说:“感谢提醒 名刑事律师”

248
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:19,830
‪她解释说:“开了两枪 老爸”
‪我说:“你是世纪奇才 我懂”

249
00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:23,375
‪跟这个孩子相处久了不变傻都难

250
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:28,047
‪有一次我们坐在车上
‪乔治娅坐在副驾驶座 我开车

251
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,506
‪艾拉坐在车后座

252
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:32,426
‪我们经过一个写着
‪“失聪儿童区域”的路牌

253
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:36,430
‪车后座的智囊团成员立刻激动起来

254
00:17:37,973 --> 00:17:41,393
‪艾拉自顾自地说:“那是歧视”

255
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:46,815
‪我说:“不是 不是歧视 那不叫歧视”

256
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,902
‪乔治娅解释说:“艾拉 刚刚那个路牌

257
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:53,155
‪是要提醒我们 来到这个地区
‪最好把收音机的音量关小”

258
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,907
‪我心想:“我的妈啊”

259
00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:59,661
‪我说:“说来听听
‪我想知道你到底想说什么”

260
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:04,833
‪她说:“我们不想跟失聪的孩子们
‪炫耀我们听得到吧?”

261
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:08,587
‪我听了说:“不对 我的妈啊
‪你比艾拉还要脑残”

262
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:10,422
‪我说:“不对

263
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,424
‪乔治娅 那不是那个路牌的目的

264
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:16,678
‪那个路牌是要提醒我们
‪这一区的小孩可能听不到有车靠近”

265
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:20,182
‪艾拉突然往前靠上来
‪她问:“失聪儿童跟枪一样吗?

266
00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,936
‪都要向政府登记报备?”

267
00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:31,527
‪我说:“你到底在胡扯些什么?”

268
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:36,198
‪她反问:“否则政府怎么知道
‪路牌该放哪里?”

269
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:41,453
‪轮到我坐在驾驶座上

270
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:44,414
‪认真地思考

271
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:47,668
‪“也对 政府是怎么知道
‪路牌该放哪里的?”

272
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:53,674
‪我不能跟这两个孩子在一起
‪在一起是灾难

273
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:57,553
‪我们蠢得无药可救
‪也很容易情绪失控

274
00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:01,014
‪有一次我们一起出席
‪乔治娅的合唱团演出

275
00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:03,684
‪整场演出长达四个小时
‪我要让你们理解当时的情景

276
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:07,729
‪整整四个小时
‪莉安从头到尾都没坐在演出厅里

277
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:11,567
‪她坐在后面跟朋友一起
‪边卖饼干边聊个没完没了

278
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:14,736
‪我和艾拉则坐在前排整整四个小时

279
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:17,614
‪莉安玩得可开心了
‪我和艾拉把屁股都坐扁了

280
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:21,577
‪演出进行了两个小时后
‪合唱团的老师上台

281
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:25,497
‪宣布现场将拍卖一部二手的造雪机

282
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:26,957
‪开价50美元

283
00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:29,376
‪我感应到坐在身边的艾拉
‪抖得像药瘾发作似的

284
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,255
‪我问:“你还好吧?”
‪她说:“小宝宝...

285
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:37,759
‪那部造雪机一定要弄到手”

286
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:41,513
‪我听了说:
‪“好的 这部造雪机非我们莫属”

287
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:46,351
‪她问要不要去问妈妈
‪我说:“别理她 她不在场

288
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,522
‪艾拉 我也是家长 我也能做决定的”

289
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:56,069
‪她问:“我们有50美元吗?”
‪我说:“亲爱的 只要你妈不在场

290
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,822
‪我们就能拿出该死的50美元”

291
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,077
‪开开眼界学着点 我要爆操全场了”

292
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:07,789
‪我从前排座位站起来
‪老师们开始起哄

293
00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:11,501
‪“有人愿意出价50美元了 是吗?”
‪我说:“大姐 别理其他闲杂人等

294
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,128
‪我出价500美元”

295
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,340
‪全场陷入疯狂

296
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:19,218
‪我坐下后 艾拉抖得很厉害

297
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,387
‪我问:“你还好吧?”

298
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:25,098
‪她说:“老爸 你刚刚爆操了全场!”

299
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:38,695
‪笑声渐渐小了下来
‪我发现后面有个爸爸还在笑

300
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:41,949
‪我心想:“糟糕 出事了”

301
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:44,660
‪艾拉问:“怎么了?”

302
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:47,246
‪“现场还有个酒鬼老爸找茬儿

303
00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:51,583
‪今晚注定是个不眠之夜 亲爱的”

304
00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:54,920
‪后面那个男子站起来喊道:
‪“550美元!”

305
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:58,006
‪全场惊叹

306
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,843
‪除了我女儿 她锤我的腿 然后说

307
00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:03,553
‪“赶紧站起来 有点男人的样子

308
00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:07,891
‪跟他说你出价600美元 老爸”

309
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,228
‪我说:“亲爱的 这次要出别的招数

310
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,856
‪这次要干他个火花四溅”

311
00:21:20,737 --> 00:21:23,865
‪她问:“什么意思?”
‪我叫她站起来喊出价600美元

312
00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:26,159
‪然后回头 对他眨一眨眼睛

313
00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,413
‪轮到她变成海象宝宝了

314
00:21:32,165 --> 00:21:35,168
‪她问:“真的可以吗?”
‪我说:“不听话今晚就睡外面”

315
00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:42,134
‪这是全场数以千计的家长看到的画面
‪一个小学五年级生从前排站起来

316
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:44,136
‪说真的 我不知道她当时很紧张

317
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:46,722
‪也不知道这个孩子不会眨眼睛

318
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,353
‪怎么会有人不会眨眼睛呢?

319
00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:58,400
‪她回头 全身都在发抖
‪找到那个男人后 她大声吆喝

320
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,527
‪“600美元!”

321
00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:02,696
‪接着好像癫痫发作一样

322
00:22:04,281 --> 00:22:05,824
‪一股劲地挤眉弄眼 像这样

323
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:19,796
‪坐下后
‪她问:“老爸 我表现得怎么样?”

324
00:22:21,089 --> 00:22:23,425
‪我说:“你刚刚爆操了全场”

325
00:22:24,968 --> 00:22:27,888
‪坐在后面的那个老男人气疯了

326
00:22:28,722 --> 00:22:32,017
‪他站起来喊道:
‪“小丫头 我出700美元!”

327
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:34,519
‪我心想:
‪“老兄 你竟敢对着我女儿干?”

328
00:22:36,229 --> 00:22:39,274
‪我站起来望着他喊道:“800美元!”

329
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:41,818
‪接着艾拉站起来喊道:“900美元!”

330
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:52,746
‪我跟她说:“你在跟我对着干啊
‪无药可救的脑残”

331
00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:57,250
‪她露出大大的笑容:
‪“老爸 干他个火花四溅!”

332
00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:02,339
‪最后我们以1800美元拍下那部造雪机

333
00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:05,425
‪没错

334
00:23:07,302 --> 00:23:08,178
‪是的

335
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,267
‪我自找麻烦

336
00:23:16,019 --> 00:23:19,523
‪真的 我的行为很有问题

337
00:23:21,274 --> 00:23:25,904
‪不知道是不是我自己的问题
‪还是因为我住在洛杉矶

338
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:30,575
‪如果我住在这里
‪那我应该会是个挺正常的老爸

339
00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:39,376
‪敢说我会是个与时并进的爸爸

340
00:23:43,630 --> 00:23:46,091
‪可是住在洛杉机 我倒成了问题

341
00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:49,010
‪我跟你们说一件事

342
00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:51,138
‪可是请你们别把自己的政治观

343
00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,890
‪好好听我说事儿 尽情享受就对了

344
00:23:55,892 --> 00:23:56,810
‪好了

345
00:23:59,062 --> 00:24:01,481
‪艾拉五年级毕业那年
‪学校决定来个舞蹈演出

346
00:24:01,481 --> 00:24:04,651
‪老师会教五年级的孩子们
‪跳狐步舞 对吧?

347
00:24:04,651 --> 00:24:07,988
‪到时家长们会坐在礼堂里
‪观赏孩子们在台上跳狐步舞

348
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:11,408
‪观赏完毕后 出去喝牛奶吃饼干
‪到了早上8点30分结束回家

349
00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:15,162
‪我们早上8点抵达礼堂
‪发现孩子们都还没上台

350
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:17,664
‪他们都在礼堂里 老师们却站在一边

351
00:24:17,664 --> 00:24:19,958
‪有个女老师哭了 家长们面露愠色

352
00:24:20,917 --> 00:24:21,751
‪现场乱成一团

353
00:24:22,502 --> 00:24:25,589
‪家长们被叫到外面去
‪有个老师开始向家长们道歉

354
00:24:27,382 --> 00:24:28,842
‪她说:“我只能道歉

355
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,012
‪我的所作所为太差劲了

356
00:24:32,012 --> 00:24:36,308
‪如果你们让我继续当老师
‪我答应你们不会再犯了”

357
00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:38,852
‪我心想:“有人惹恼了某个孩子”

358
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:44,524
‪我开始做拉伸动作
‪准备去跟一个五年级生击掌

359
00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:52,407
‪但接着她说...

360
00:24:53,783 --> 00:24:56,620
‪“两个星期前
‪我在准备这场舞蹈演出时

361
00:24:56,620 --> 00:24:58,955
‪我按照我对你们孩子的性别

362
00:24:58,955 --> 00:25:00,707
‪以男女之分给他们凑对

363
00:25:00,707 --> 00:25:03,919
‪如今我知道我犯下了大错

364
00:25:03,919 --> 00:25:05,545
‪如果你们愿意再给我一次机会

365
00:25:05,545 --> 00:25:08,048
‪我会证明给你们看
‪我不是你们想象中的恶魔”

366
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:12,135
‪先别激动 我要赶紧解释一下
‪这样你们才不会误解我

367
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:16,473
‪我希望世界上每个孩子

368
00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:20,602
‪时时刻刻感觉美好

369
00:25:20,602 --> 00:25:23,313
‪我愿意付出一切确保他们快乐
‪这是我的想法

370
00:25:31,071 --> 00:25:32,781
‪但他们才小学五年级 对吧?

371
00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:36,326
‪我心想那是早上8点
‪大家都半梦半醒 还是回家去吧

372
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:40,413
‪我觉得就别再闹下去了 对吧?

373
00:25:40,413 --> 00:25:41,331
‪我原谅她了

374
00:25:41,331 --> 00:25:42,832
‪第一个家长站起来

375
00:25:42,832 --> 00:25:45,293
‪她说:“我叫珍妮弗 自认为是女性”

376
00:25:45,293 --> 00:25:46,628
‪我听了心想:“麻烦大了

377
00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:49,881
‪这下可不妙”

378
00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:52,509
‪她说...

379
00:25:54,761 --> 00:25:57,430
‪“我和家人关系很好

380
00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,891
‪我有家人是属于跨性别社群

381
00:25:59,891 --> 00:26:03,353
‪我要你知道 你的道歉我听到了
‪但道歉还不够

382
00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:05,981
‪做比说重要

383
00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:08,858
‪如果你真保住了饭碗
‪那你就要好好表现”

384
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:10,819
‪她说完就坐下了

385
00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:13,154
‪不晓得你们知不知道这是什么情况

386
00:26:13,154 --> 00:26:16,032
‪重点是下一个站起来说话的家长
‪比刚刚说话的家长更开明

387
00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:20,328
‪我们总不能视而不见
‪否则跟右翼分子亚历克斯·琼斯一样

388
00:26:20,328 --> 00:26:21,538
‪他说青蛙都是同性恋

389
00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:27,294
‪事情越演越烈
‪所有目光都聚集在这个女人身上

390
00:26:27,294 --> 00:26:30,005
‪我求老天锤炼那个老师
‪她都被抨击得无地自容了

391
00:26:30,005 --> 00:26:31,631
‪我和莉安看不过去

392
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:34,759
‪我说:“我要说几句话”
‪莉安说:“千万不要”

393
00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:41,141
‪我说:“大家好 我叫伯特
‪我是艾拉的家长”

394
00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:49,024
‪我说:“首先我想说的是
‪他们才小学五年级

395
00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:51,651
‪所以今晚不会
‪躲在福斯捷达轿车后座指交”

396
00:26:53,028 --> 00:26:55,614
‪当时是早上8点30分
‪大家都很专心地听我说话 对吧?

397
00:26:58,283 --> 00:26:59,993
‪我说:“身为艾拉的家长

398
00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:04,039
‪我压根不在乎

399
00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:07,876
‪跟我的孩子配对跳舞的同学是男或女

400
00:27:07,876 --> 00:27:12,005
‪无论如何
‪我都会竭尽所能地去爱她、支持她”

401
00:27:12,505 --> 00:27:13,340
‪没错

402
00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:22,015
‪“只要是白人就没问题” 听好...

403
00:27:25,685 --> 00:27:27,937
‪谁听到这个段子不会炸锅?

404
00:27:28,938 --> 00:27:30,899
‪明摆着的

405
00:27:30,899 --> 00:27:33,318
‪没人料到一大清早8点
‪会听到这种段子

406
00:27:34,861 --> 00:27:38,239
‪那些以性别自我介绍的家长
‪全都炸锅了

407
00:27:40,992 --> 00:27:44,829
‪莉安随即站出来解释:
‪“他是个谐星!”

408
00:27:46,247 --> 00:27:48,750
‪她们听了大叫:
‪“你们听她的口音 她有种族歧视”

409
00:27:49,417 --> 00:27:51,336
‪跟你们说我们最糟糕的经历

410
00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:56,049
‪有一次我和莉安一起去出席
‪一场品酒兼抽奖活动

411
00:27:56,049 --> 00:27:57,550
‪那是星期二晚上

412
00:27:57,550 --> 00:27:59,969
‪那晚莉安开车 在前往会场的路上

413
00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:01,971
‪她说:“今晚我们不醉不归”

414
00:28:02,472 --> 00:28:03,932
‪我说:“太迟了

415
00:28:05,225 --> 00:28:07,811
‪我早前一直窝在浴室里喝酒”

416
00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:11,815
‪星期二晚上我已经喝得不省人事了
‪开什么玩笑?

417
00:28:12,399 --> 00:28:15,151
‪我口袋里还有一支一口烟斗
‪想不废很难

418
00:28:16,611 --> 00:28:18,697
‪抵达会场后
‪那是我第一次参加品酒会

419
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:21,116
‪现场没提供高脚杯

420
00:28:21,908 --> 00:28:23,410
‪只提供小杯

421
00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:25,662
‪感觉就像
‪要被迈克尔·杰克逊搞的前奏

422
00:28:30,834 --> 00:28:33,002
‪我猜他是这么搞的 我也不确定

423
00:28:35,004 --> 00:28:37,549
‪于是我决定不参加品酒会
‪到派对现场找其他爸爸玩

424
00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:40,635
‪有十个老爸站在舞台旁
‪他们已经买了葡萄酒

425
00:28:40,635 --> 00:28:43,930
‪他们开酒和喝酒的方式
‪就像在演《权力的游戏》

426
00:28:44,556 --> 00:28:46,808
‪我看到有个身穿
‪印有摔跤手T恤的爸爸

427
00:28:46,808 --> 00:28:48,226
‪就决定跟他坐在同一桌

428
00:28:49,436 --> 00:28:51,730
‪我加入了他们 喝得很开心

429
00:28:52,647 --> 00:28:55,191
‪撑到活动结束前的抽奖环节

430
00:28:55,191 --> 00:28:59,821
‪抽奖环节的主办人是我的老朋友达伦
‪我问他:“老兄 有什么奖品?”

431
00:29:00,905 --> 00:29:03,783
‪他说:“我只卖了40张抽奖券”
‪我问:“奖品不好吗?”

432
00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:06,911
‪他说:“不是 我准备了12份大奖”

433
00:29:06,911 --> 00:29:09,205
‪我说:“骗人
‪那为什么没人买抽奖券?”

434
00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:13,001
‪他解释:“家长们发现
‪这场抽奖活动所筹到的钱

435
00:29:13,001 --> 00:29:15,628
‪不是归我们学校所有
‪而是捐给弱势学校

436
00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:18,256
‪他们认为既然不是自家孩子获益
‪那他们就无意参与

437
00:29:18,256 --> 00:29:21,801
‪宁可把钱用来买葡萄酒”
‪我听了问:“真的吗?”

438
00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:24,763
‪他说:“应该是这样吧”
‪我说:“好吧”

439
00:29:26,055 --> 00:29:29,434
‪然后问:“你要卖出多少张抽奖券?”
‪他说:“目标是700张”

440
00:29:30,935 --> 00:29:32,604
‪我听了说:“那好吧 我买660张”

441
00:29:34,272 --> 00:29:35,523
‪他问:“你是认真的吗?”

442
00:29:35,523 --> 00:29:37,525
‪我说:“是的
‪前提是不能再让别人报名”

443
00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:45,325
‪他说:“如果我这么做
‪那奖品都归你所有了”

444
00:29:45,325 --> 00:29:47,452
‪我说:“我的确想带走所有的奖品”

445
00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:55,794
‪他说:“如果你带走所有奖品
‪有些家长会生气的”

446
00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:58,087
‪我说:“如果他们不生气
‪那就轮到我难过了”

447
00:30:00,256 --> 00:30:02,175
‪我望着他问:“你到底想不想筹款?”

448
00:30:02,675 --> 00:30:05,678
‪他说:“想啊”
‪我说:“那就把660张抽奖券卖给我

449
00:30:05,678 --> 00:30:09,140
‪马上终止报名
‪别把这事告诉任何人”

450
00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:13,353
‪他问:“那莉安呢?”
‪我说:“绝对不能告诉她”

451
00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:17,273
‪这个家伙把我带到葡萄酒吧后面一角

452
00:30:17,273 --> 00:30:19,859
‪从那一刻开始整晚边咯咯笑

453
00:30:20,443 --> 00:30:22,445
‪边撕开...

454
00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:30,453
‪整整660张抽奖券

455
00:30:30,453 --> 00:30:32,080
‪他把所有抽奖券交给我时

456
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,666
‪手都在发抖
‪搞得像在卖毒品给初中生一样

457
00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,420
‪我撕开第一张和最后一张抽奖券后

458
00:30:39,420 --> 00:30:42,590
‪对他说:“达伦 你很清楚
‪这两组号码之间的抽奖券在我手上”

459
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,553
‪我活这么久

460
00:30:46,553 --> 00:30:50,390
‪从来没有如此期待过一件事的到来

461
00:30:50,890 --> 00:30:52,183
‪我两个孩子出生那天嘛...

462
00:30:54,978 --> 00:30:58,565
‪主办方开始宣布得奖号码时
‪我刻意挑一张距离舞台最远的桌位

463
00:30:58,565 --> 00:31:00,483
‪想好一会儿上台领奖要走过的路线

464
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,320
‪我手上有两张票 莉安走了过来

465
00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:06,531
‪她问:“你买了抽奖券?”
‪我说:“买了几张”

466
00:31:08,241 --> 00:31:11,286
‪达伦宣布第一组号码
‪我跳了起来 鞋子差点被我甩脱了

467
00:31:11,286 --> 00:31:14,163
‪我大叫:“是我!”

468
00:31:15,331 --> 00:31:17,417
‪走上台期间 刻意撞到那些家长

469
00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:18,710
‪不停地说:“真不好意思

470
00:31:19,836 --> 00:31:22,171
‪我赢了 抽奖券在我手上

471
00:31:22,922 --> 00:31:25,466
‪主办方准备了12份奖品
‪第一份被我赢走了

472
00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:28,887
‪我就叫伯特·克赖舍 真不好意思”

473
00:31:30,513 --> 00:31:33,224
‪我站上台领奖 那十个老爸还在台下

474
00:31:33,224 --> 00:31:36,227
‪他们问:“老兄 你赢了什么?”
‪我说:“是Fitbit运动手表”

475
00:31:37,770 --> 00:31:40,106
‪我还说:“各位
‪我要开始计算今晚的步程了”

476
00:31:42,984 --> 00:31:45,778
‪回到桌位上
‪我望着莉安说:“腾出点空间”

477
00:31:48,948 --> 00:31:51,618
‪达伦宣布下一组得奖号码
‪我大叫:“我的妈啊!

478
00:31:53,077 --> 00:31:54,495
‪又是我!”

479
00:31:55,663 --> 00:31:58,416
‪我开始走上台前
‪我老婆露出一副宠辱不惊的表情

480
00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:01,336
‪她从高脚椅上站起来

481
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:03,212
‪对着在场的酒客大声宣告

482
00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:07,258
‪“我老公是世界上最幸运的男人!

483
00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:10,720
‪不骗你们 这是真的

484
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:13,806
‪如果他能赢走所有12份奖品
‪我也不会意外”

485
00:32:16,434 --> 00:32:19,646
‪我站在台上说:“希望老天成全”

486
00:32:21,147 --> 00:32:23,775
‪我带走第二份奖品
‪那十个老爸问:“你赢了什么?”

487
00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:25,401
‪我说:“不知道 压根不重要”

488
00:32:26,819 --> 00:32:29,572
‪我走回场中央
‪回头大叫:“宣布下一组号码吧!”

489
00:32:30,823 --> 00:32:33,910
‪他继续宣布得奖号码
‪我望着莉安说:“又是我 臭婆娘!”

490
00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:39,332
‪大赢家又回来了!

491
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:50,969
‪这时我盯着在场的家长们
‪嘴上喊道:“达伦 我赢了什么?”

492
00:32:52,428 --> 00:32:55,556
‪他都笑到哭了
‪他说:“一对钻石耳环”

493
00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:59,602
‪我说:“赶紧给我打耳洞
‪叫我凯瑟琳吧”

494
00:33:04,023 --> 00:33:06,943
‪我在舞台上
‪把钻石耳环放进胸前口袋里

495
00:33:08,903 --> 00:33:11,406
‪同时感应到现场的气氛变了

496
00:33:12,740 --> 00:33:14,242
‪骚动先从后面开始

497
00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:16,327
‪围在校长身边的一群人当中

498
00:33:17,036 --> 00:33:19,372
‪有人喊道:“检查他的抽奖券!”

499
00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:22,917
‪我回怼他:“少管闲事!”

500
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:25,753
‪她听了不高兴

501
00:33:26,504 --> 00:33:27,964
‪于是她气冲冲地跑上台

502
00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:31,342
‪她说:“他赢了三份奖品
‪但手上只有两张抽奖券

503
00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:32,969
‪我要查看他手上的抽奖券”

504
00:33:33,469 --> 00:33:36,097
‪当时达伦· 特伯已经笑到不行了

505
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:40,601
‪我眼睁睁见证全场的氛围瞬间凝结

506
00:33:41,686 --> 00:33:44,313
‪厨房里的厨子都停下手上的活儿

507
00:33:45,148 --> 00:33:47,900
‪从厨房的银色窗口往台上望去

508
00:33:49,986 --> 00:33:54,240
‪酒保很明显地放慢了调酒的速度

509
00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:03,875
‪刚刚那十个对我深信不疑的老爸

510
00:34:05,168 --> 00:34:07,420
‪开始用异样的眼光望着我
‪好像我令他们失望了

511
00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:13,634
‪就像小朋友望着他们的体育偶像说:
‪“辛普森 快说不是你干的吧”

512
00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:25,813
‪我任由那股氛围蔓延开来

513
00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:36,199
‪同时把手伸进口袋里

514
00:34:37,116 --> 00:34:41,079
‪取出另外658张抽奖券

515
00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:43,790
‪我把抽奖券握在手中
‪就像抓住一条凶猛的响尾蛇那样

516
00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:47,627
‪然后把它们往空中抛去 然后喊:
‪“就怕你们不查 狗娘养的!”

517
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:56,427
‪全场炸锅

518
00:34:56,427 --> 00:34:58,262
‪那十个老爸不断拍桌

519
00:34:58,262 --> 00:35:00,223
‪大喊:“好样的!”

520
00:35:01,224 --> 00:35:02,934
‪校长气疯了

521
00:35:02,934 --> 00:35:04,894
‪我望着莉安 她不笑了

522
00:35:06,729 --> 00:35:09,524
‪校长见状 直直往我老婆的方向走去

523
00:35:09,524 --> 00:35:13,903
‪对着她的脸说:“麻烦你去拦住他!”

524
00:35:15,071 --> 00:35:18,324
‪我老婆脸不红气不喘
‪她深吸一口气说

525
00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:20,118
‪“亲爱的 他都还没来劲呢

526
00:35:29,919 --> 00:35:33,422
‪亲爱的 还有九个奖要颁
‪而且他的上衣还在

527
00:35:33,422 --> 00:35:34,924
‪后面会越来越失控”

528
00:35:36,843 --> 00:35:39,971
‪接着我老婆一口喝干手上的红酒
‪然后望向舞台喊道

529
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:42,056
‪“达伦 赶紧宣布下一组号码!”

530
00:35:46,310 --> 00:35:48,521
‪宣布第四个奖后 我脱掉了上衣

531
00:35:50,439 --> 00:35:52,984
‪宣布第五个奖后
‪穿着摔跤手T恤的老爸脱掉了上衣

532
00:35:54,527 --> 00:35:57,238
‪宣布第六个奖后
‪一个坐在后面的妈妈说...

533
00:35:57,238 --> 00:36:00,533
‪只是她的声音太大了
‪她说:“这个家伙到底是什么人?”

534
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:05,788
‪酒保听到后大叫:“他不是人!”

535
00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:28,769
‪宣布第个奖后 现场群众分成两派

536
00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:33,733
‪要么乐在其中

537
00:36:34,650 --> 00:36:36,652
‪就像那十个喝醉的老爸和那个酒保

538
00:36:38,529 --> 00:36:39,572
‪要么恨得牙痒痒

539
00:36:39,572 --> 00:36:41,115
‪如果你是后者

540
00:36:41,115 --> 00:36:44,619
‪这时就会围绕在舞台旁抗议抽奖舞弊

541
00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:48,789
‪这些闯进国会大厦的暴民...

542
00:36:52,543 --> 00:36:56,631
‪对那天的结果感到不满

543
00:36:57,423 --> 00:36:58,549
‪所以...

544
00:36:58,549 --> 00:37:00,343
‪达伦宣布第12份大奖时

545
00:37:00,343 --> 00:37:01,802
‪我已经知道自己该做什么了

546
00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:04,513
‪我要对这群暴民骂:“去你大爷的!”

547
00:37:05,014 --> 00:37:06,265
‪去你大爷的!

548
00:37:06,265 --> 00:37:08,643
‪台前有20个暴民 我要一个个怼他们

549
00:37:08,643 --> 00:37:13,898
‪去你大爷的!

550
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:17,443
‪我做好准备了 把这个任务放在心里

551
00:37:18,236 --> 00:37:19,320
‪达伦宣布得奖号码后

552
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:21,197
‪我就对着第一个人骂:“去你大爷的”

553
00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:23,199
‪接着立刻意识到
‪那张抽奖券不在我手上

554
00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:26,077
‪你们在为我难过吗?

555
00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:29,747
‪那十个喝醉的老爸也拍桌抗议
‪他们大喊:“不算数!”

556
00:37:31,457 --> 00:37:35,294
‪那些讨厌我的人
‪用吃奶的力气一味地羞辱我

557
00:37:35,795 --> 00:37:38,172
‪他们骂道:“活该 小胖子!

558
00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:42,635
‪赶紧穿上衣服吧 矮矬穷
‪你是矮矬穷!”

559
00:37:42,635 --> 00:37:45,513
‪他们闹得很大声
‪但我隐隐约约听到我老婆大喊

560
00:37:45,513 --> 00:37:47,181
‪“天啊 是我!”

561
00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:58,484
‪我们带走了整整12个大奖

562
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:04,991
‪那晚我喝得酩酊大醉
‪还光着上半身 打了耳洞

563
00:38:06,867 --> 00:38:09,245
‪席间抱着11份大奖
‪走到家长的桌位旁问

564
00:38:09,245 --> 00:38:10,496
‪“你们赢了什么?

565
00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:14,292
‪对啊 都被我赢走了 我都忘了”

566
00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:18,421
‪我个人认为
‪整个经历最精彩的部分是

567
00:38:18,421 --> 00:38:19,672
‪莉安跟我有默契

568
00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:23,634
‪我的段子她很少会懂

569
00:38:24,510 --> 00:38:25,845
‪这是...

570
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:32,935
‪记得2020年1月

571
00:38:35,187 --> 00:38:38,232
‪我和我老婆
‪搭飞机前往佛蒙特州伯灵顿

572
00:38:38,232 --> 00:38:41,193
‪途中我们收到
‪我的老朋友汤姆·塞古拉发来的短信

573
00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:42,153
‪事情是这样的...

574
00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:43,237
‪对 没错 就是他本人

575
00:38:45,990 --> 00:38:47,700
‪在场如果谁不认识他

576
00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:51,829
‪介绍一下 他是个脱口秀谐星
‪他有一个动作做不到

577
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:52,747
‪所以...

578
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:54,790
‪这么简单的动作

579
00:38:56,292 --> 00:38:59,837
‪这么小的动作会让他的腿炸开

580
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:04,050
‪让他这只手臂断成两截 还能转圈圈

581
00:39:04,050 --> 00:39:05,468
‪很难想象

582
00:39:07,303 --> 00:39:09,055
‪他有严重的种族歧视倾向 他还...

583
00:39:09,930 --> 00:39:11,265
‪他说过...

584
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:13,851
‪他是纳粹的铁粉 总之...

585
00:39:14,894 --> 00:39:17,646
‪汤姆在我和莉安的群组里
‪发了一则短信 上面写道

586
00:39:17,646 --> 00:39:19,607
‪“不知道你们有没有听闻

587
00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:21,942
‪一种叫新冠肺炎的新型病毒

588
00:39:21,942 --> 00:39:25,738
‪真的 我刚看了刊登在
‪《洛杉矶时报》的一篇报道

589
00:39:25,738 --> 00:39:27,990
‪你们住的小区疫情爆发

590
00:39:27,990 --> 00:39:30,910
‪这是报道的链接 建议你们也看一下”

591
00:39:30,910 --> 00:39:32,453
‪那是在2020年1月

592
00:39:32,453 --> 00:39:35,581
‪我看了有点紧张 我也听说过
‪只是很难想象我的小区爆发疫情

593
00:39:35,581 --> 00:39:37,291
‪于是我点击那条链接

594
00:39:38,459 --> 00:39:40,503
‪不知道你们有没有收过这种短信

595
00:39:42,171 --> 00:39:43,506
‪总之内容不是一篇报道

596
00:39:52,098 --> 00:39:54,850
‪而是一个黑人男子

597
00:39:56,602 --> 00:39:58,729
‪全身赤裸坐在床侧 像这样

598
00:40:10,699 --> 00:40:13,452
‪我打开链接 看到照片后
‪笑了出来 很好笑 对吧?

599
00:40:14,870 --> 00:40:17,790
‪喝干我那杯双倍威士忌加冰
‪很多很多冰块

600
00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:21,085
‪整个人醉倒了
‪醒来后已经抵达佛蒙特州伯灵顿

601
00:40:21,085 --> 00:40:22,503
‪当时感到有点昏昏沉沉

602
00:40:23,838 --> 00:40:26,924
‪飞机还停在停机坪上
‪她问:“你有没有收到汤姆的短信?”

603
00:40:28,342 --> 00:40:29,552
‪我说:“收到了”

604
00:40:30,594 --> 00:40:32,555
‪她说:“太可怕了”

605
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:43,858
‪我说:“这种话我可说不出口
‪这是种族歧视”

606
00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:47,611
‪当然不只种族歧视这么简单
‪但确实是种族歧视

607
00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:51,073
‪她说:“不是
‪我们住的小区爆发疫情”

608
00:40:56,370 --> 00:40:57,872
‪我问她有没有点击那条链接

609
00:40:58,581 --> 00:41:00,249
‪她说:“没有 我没空

610
00:41:00,249 --> 00:41:02,334
‪空服员叫我关掉手机”

611
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:05,421
‪我叫她一定要点进去看

612
00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:09,842
‪她问:“疫情很失控吗?”
‪我说:“比你想象中还要失控”

613
00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:16,223
‪我看着这个女人点开链接

614
00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:19,518
‪那个男人的照片迸出来
‪他叫“炮哥” 人如其名

615
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:24,899
‪照片迸出来
‪我看着她叫道:“不会吧?”

616
00:41:24,899 --> 00:41:26,984
‪马上刷掉窗口

617
00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:29,153
‪我老婆不爱看大丁丁

618
00:41:30,529 --> 00:41:31,739
‪谢天谢地

619
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:34,200
‪她用困惑的表情看着我
‪我自顾自地笑

620
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:38,537
‪她再点击那个链接

621
00:41:40,122 --> 00:41:41,832
‪她问:“是不是用户错误?”

622
00:41:43,125 --> 00:41:47,755
‪打开后 出现同一张照片
‪只是这次我看到她往下刷

623
00:41:49,006 --> 00:41:53,260
‪似乎企图在照片下找到那篇报道

624
00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:57,556
‪结果找不到那篇报道
‪只见她再次刷掉窗口

625
00:41:57,556 --> 00:41:59,850
‪再次点开链接 都第三次了

626
00:42:00,559 --> 00:42:02,269
‪我都笑到哭了

627
00:42:02,978 --> 00:42:05,356
‪她问:“有什么好笑的?
‪我的手机坏了”

628
00:42:08,442 --> 00:42:09,568
‪我解释:“他闹着玩的”

629
00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:13,155
‪她问:“什么?” 我反问:“什么?”

630
00:42:13,822 --> 00:42:16,408
‪我解释:“他发照片给我们
‪我们以为那是一篇报道

631
00:42:16,408 --> 00:42:18,410
‪其实是一张大丁丁照”

632
00:42:19,870 --> 00:42:21,372
‪她说:“不好笑”

633
00:42:23,123 --> 00:42:24,124
‪我说:“我反对”

634
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:28,546
‪我看你点开三次 每次都越来越好笑

635
00:42:31,340 --> 00:42:34,260
‪她脸色发白 她说:“不好笑

636
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:37,221
‪我已经把链接
‪转发给乔治娅学校的妈妈团了”

637
00:42:45,521 --> 00:42:49,024
‪我说:“这的确不好笑 但够经典!”

638
00:42:53,487 --> 00:42:56,282
‪我把她的手机抢过来
‪看看妈妈团的回应

639
00:42:56,282 --> 00:42:57,700
‪最好笑的是那些酷妈的反应

640
00:42:57,700 --> 00:42:59,910
‪她们回道:“希望我家不会遭殃吧”

641
00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:04,832
‪其中一个妈妈说:
‪“我家那个初三生可应付不了”

642
00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:09,795
‪我们的好朋友琳·格鲁森回应:
‪“你确定这是新冠肺炎吗?

643
00:43:09,795 --> 00:43:11,505
‪我大学时期好像感染过这种病毒”

644
00:43:15,759 --> 00:43:18,929
‪我老婆的脸色越来越白
‪她说:“我还转发给了两个女儿”

645
00:43:21,849 --> 00:43:25,019
‪我打给乔治娅说:
‪“妈刚给你发了一篇报道的链接

646
00:43:25,019 --> 00:43:27,521
‪你看了吗?” 她说:“不想看也难

647
00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:33,152
‪当时我在练习打垒球
‪我在教练面前点开那个链接”

648
00:43:36,405 --> 00:43:37,948
‪我问:“你教练说了什么?”

649
00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:41,452
‪“教练说练球时可能用得上”

650
00:43:44,413 --> 00:43:46,540
‪我再问:“你妹看了吗?”
‪她把手机扔给艾拉

651
00:43:46,540 --> 00:43:48,751
‪我问她妈妈发了链接
‪她有没有点开来看

652
00:43:48,751 --> 00:43:50,002
‪她说:“我点开看了”

653
00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:54,423
‪我问:“你怎么看?”
‪她说:“很有趣的报道”

654
00:43:59,345 --> 00:44:02,139
‪我两个女儿的幽默感太变态了

655
00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:06,977
‪有一年乔治娅庆祝生日
‪我们给她请了个灵媒

656
00:44:06,977 --> 00:44:10,606
‪灵媒将向她和她的朋友们
‪揭示她们的前生往事

657
00:44:10,606 --> 00:44:12,900
‪那个老女人来到我们家
‪她已经100岁了

658
00:44:13,942 --> 00:44:16,070
‪她坐在乔治娅和她几个朋友面前

659
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:17,404
‪我和艾拉则坐在另一旁

660
00:44:18,155 --> 00:44:21,575
‪她问:“好吧
‪今天是哪个女孩生日啊?”

661
00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:24,995
‪艾拉锤了我一下说:
‪“老爸 好意思说自己是灵媒?”

662
00:44:29,166 --> 00:44:31,001
‪乔治娅说:“是我”

663
00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:33,712
‪她张开手掌给那个灵媒看
‪对方说:“好的

664
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:39,551
‪你的前生是个将军 参与过一场大战

665
00:44:41,512 --> 00:44:45,307
‪总共有257人死在你手下

666
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:50,354
‪这些人的灵魂会一直缠着你
‪直到你死为止”

667
00:44:51,522 --> 00:44:53,440
‪坐在我身边艾拉听了以后 就开始...

668
00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:57,277
‪“祝你生日快乐”

669
00:45:00,614 --> 00:45:02,866
‪最好笑的例子
‪也发生在乔治娅某一年生日

670
00:45:02,866 --> 00:45:04,827
‪两个女儿提议:“老爸

671
00:45:04,827 --> 00:45:07,830
‪我们想去玩密室逃生”
‪我说:“你们真当自己是天才吗?

672
00:45:09,581 --> 00:45:13,085
‪真打算耗尽你们80分的智商
‪看看进入密室后会发生什么事吗?”

673
00:45:13,585 --> 00:45:15,170
‪得了吧!

674
00:45:15,963 --> 00:45:19,591
‪她们说:“爸爸 你也要去”
‪我说:“还想嗑药喝酒 对吗?”

675
00:45:20,634 --> 00:45:21,635
‪不错嘛

676
00:45:22,219 --> 00:45:23,887
‪她们说:“不是 你和爷爷一起去”

677
00:45:23,887 --> 00:45:25,973
‪我说:“给我闭嘴

678
00:45:27,891 --> 00:45:31,395
‪我和我老爸八字不合 不适合组队

679
00:45:32,146 --> 00:45:35,983
‪知道吗?我们不会有好结果的
‪后果很严重”

680
00:45:36,567 --> 00:45:39,528
‪她们俩望着我说:“我们知道啊”

681
00:45:41,405 --> 00:45:43,907
‪我说:“什么?”
‪乔治娅说:“这就是我的生日愿望

682
00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:49,913
‪我想看爷爷失控发飙 看你恐慌发作”

683
00:45:56,378 --> 00:45:58,464
‪我说:“好吧 他是吝啬鬼
‪我打给他问问”

684
00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:02,342
‪于是我打给我爸 我爸已经75岁了

685
00:46:02,342 --> 00:46:04,219
‪他住在坦帕 听觉不好

686
00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:06,472
‪我跟他说:“老爸 你们来到洛杉矶后

687
00:46:06,472 --> 00:46:09,349
‪你两个孙女想要玩密室逃脱”
‪他反问:“密室‘脱衣’?”

688
00:46:11,018 --> 00:46:13,020
‪我说:“没错 老爸 这是她们的愿望

689
00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:17,733
‪她们要一起脱光光
‪我们俩也得脱光光

690
00:46:18,901 --> 00:46:22,529
‪脱光光后一起去芝乐坊餐厅”

691
00:46:24,531 --> 00:46:26,200
‪我说:“不是的 是密室逃脱”

692
00:46:27,367 --> 00:46:30,329
‪他反问:“密室逃脱?
‪密室逃脱是什么鬼东西?”

693
00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:33,582
‪我妈的声音从厨房传来
‪她说:“好啊 一起去!

694
00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:36,084
‪我在网上看过 我们一起去吧

695
00:46:36,084 --> 00:46:38,587
‪我一直很想知道
‪如果我被绑架 能怎么逃脱”

696
00:46:40,672 --> 00:46:42,966
‪我爸听了说:
‪“打消你的念头 我们不去

697
00:46:42,966 --> 00:46:44,802
‪再说密室逃脱到底是什么鬼东西?”

698
00:46:44,802 --> 00:46:47,805
‪我妈跟他解释:“就是玩家被绑架
‪被拖上一辆面包车”

699
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:49,598
‪我忙着解释:“老爸 别听妈妈的

700
00:46:51,517 --> 00:46:55,145
‪那是一间密室
‪到时我们会给两个孩子200块

701
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:58,273
‪让她们把我们关进那间密室
‪看我们怎么逃出去”

702
00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:01,652
‪电话另一端传来一阵沉默
‪接着他开口说

703
00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:03,987
‪“给我50块
‪我把你两个孩子关在车上”

704
00:47:07,866 --> 00:47:09,743
‪我妈赶紧把电话抢过去说

705
00:47:09,743 --> 00:47:11,912
‪“跟两个孙女说我们一定去

706
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:13,580
‪她们不会失望的

707
00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:16,208
‪我们要穿皮革吗?”
‪我说:“妈妈 别激动”

708
00:47:18,043 --> 00:47:21,713
‪于是我、我老婆、我爸妈
‪以及我两个女儿一起去了

709
00:47:21,713 --> 00:47:25,050
‪全家大小一起去
‪事情也是从这时开始失控的

710
00:47:27,344 --> 00:47:29,555
‪我们开车出发
‪你们也知道密室逃脱的场地

711
00:47:29,555 --> 00:47:31,515
‪通常都在购物中心里 对吧?

712
00:47:33,392 --> 00:47:35,018
‪这间密室却是在某个人家里

713
00:47:36,895 --> 00:47:39,898
‪他把家里每个房间都改成了密室

714
00:47:39,898 --> 00:47:41,817
‪就像“小丑杀手”约翰·韦恩·盖西

715
00:47:44,027 --> 00:47:47,155
‪车子开进小区后
‪我老爸立刻说:“不会吧?”

716
00:47:48,490 --> 00:47:50,701
‪乔治娅说:“爷爷 听说真的很可怕”

717
00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:52,494
‪他说:“我现在都吓得屎滚尿流了”

718
00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:55,831
‪我们远远看到一间漆成黑色的房子
‪外面没有院子

719
00:47:55,831 --> 00:47:59,710
‪莉安看到后说:“就是那间房子”
‪我老爸说:“不要停车”

720
00:48:01,044 --> 00:48:03,672
‪下车后 我们去敲门

721
00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:05,299
‪我老爸已经入戏了

722
00:48:07,759 --> 00:48:09,761
‪记住 那是在洛杉矶 这个家伙很会演

723
00:48:09,761 --> 00:48:14,141
‪他穿着真丝睡袍 头上裹着毛巾
‪一只手摸着搭在另一只手上的猫

724
00:48:14,141 --> 00:48:15,267
‪他缓缓地说道

725
00:48:21,315 --> 00:48:22,733
‪“你们有没有看到我妈?”

726
00:48:23,734 --> 00:48:26,153
‪我爸抓住我的手问:
‪“他刚刚说什么来着?”

727
00:48:27,905 --> 00:48:29,615
‪我说:“他要找他的妈妈”

728
00:48:29,615 --> 00:48:31,825
‪我爸说:“叫她妈去死吧”

729
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:34,953
‪我爸问:“这是来真的吗?”

730
00:48:35,871 --> 00:48:38,624
‪我解释:“密室逃脱就是这么玩的
‪我们要配合演出”

731
00:48:38,624 --> 00:48:40,626
‪那个男人说:“你们要进屋参观吗?”

732
00:48:40,626 --> 00:48:43,045
‪我妈听了说:“好啊 我们想参观一下

733
00:48:43,045 --> 00:48:45,589
‪你妈叫什么名字?几岁?
‪她上过哪家大学?

734
00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:46,924
‪你们赶紧记录下来”

735
00:48:47,841 --> 00:48:50,344
‪于是我们就进屋参观
‪家里的女人玩得很起劲

736
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:53,847
‪我爸则在一旁不断端详这个男人

737
00:48:53,847 --> 00:48:55,891
‪他说:“他闻起来像屎味

738
00:48:57,559 --> 00:49:00,687
‪天啊 我看他是住在这里的

739
00:49:00,687 --> 00:49:04,399
‪究竟是怎么样的变态
‪才会住在一间每个房间里都...

740
00:49:04,399 --> 00:49:06,568
‪他刚刚还在吃午饭

741
00:49:08,779 --> 00:49:11,990
‪天啊 他吃奶酪通心粉配咖啡
‪哪有人喝咖啡配...

742
00:49:12,908 --> 00:49:16,036
‪哪有人喝黑咖啡配奶酪通心粉的?
‪我敢肯定他天天都拉肚子”

743
00:49:17,329 --> 00:49:19,831
‪我说:“老爸
‪我看这些都不是有用的线索”

744
00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:23,710
‪那个家伙突然走进来问:
‪“要去看看我妈的房间吗?”

745
00:49:23,710 --> 00:49:25,170
‪我爸回应:“才不要呢”

746
00:49:26,088 --> 00:49:27,756
‪我妈则说:“好啊 我们去”

747
00:49:27,756 --> 00:49:30,842
‪他接着说:“我妈不准客人
‪带车钥匙、手机和钱包进去

748
00:49:30,842 --> 00:49:33,470
‪请你们清空口袋
‪把东西都放在厨房的桌子上”

749
00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:35,847
‪我们都像绵羊一样乖乖地答应了

750
00:49:37,766 --> 00:49:39,101
‪我们清空了口袋

751
00:49:40,185 --> 00:49:41,561
‪走进那个房间

752
00:49:41,561 --> 00:49:46,191
‪踏进房间的那一刻
‪我感应到身后的门立即关上

753
00:49:46,191 --> 00:49:48,652
‪那一刻 我恐慌发作了

754
00:49:51,738 --> 00:49:53,365
‪我立刻想到

755
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,410
‪他没问过我们的名字

756
00:49:59,871 --> 00:50:01,707
‪我们还没把信用卡交给他

757
00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:05,252
‪也还没签免责声明书

758
00:50:06,837 --> 00:50:09,006
‪我们连地址也没对照过

759
00:50:10,966 --> 00:50:13,760
‪我们只是看到小区里有间奇怪的房子

760
00:50:14,594 --> 00:50:17,264
‪就下车去敲门
‪屋主把他的烦恼告诉我们

761
00:50:17,264 --> 00:50:19,683
‪我们就当自己是史酷比狗敢死队
‪走进来查案

762
00:50:21,393 --> 00:50:23,270
‪如今我们被锁在这间房子里

763
00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:27,149
‪老爸在我身边说:
‪“你倒是说说我有没有搞错

764
00:50:28,316 --> 00:50:31,611
‪你是不是把我们送进了
‪一个连环杀手的家里?”

765
00:50:32,821 --> 00:50:36,575
‪乔治娅问他:“是不是很可怕呢?”
‪他说:“你说呢?

766
00:50:38,493 --> 00:50:41,288
‪你们两个孩子
‪今晚就会被卖到阿尔巴尼亚

767
00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:45,459
‪一辈子在车臣妓院里干活”

768
00:50:45,459 --> 00:50:47,586
‪艾拉问:“爷爷
‪那我们要怎么逃出去呢?”

769
00:50:47,586 --> 00:50:50,130
‪他说:“我可能要牺牲色相
‪给那个家伙口了

770
00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:54,634
‪但是真要给他口
‪我会要你们脑残的老爸出马”

771
00:50:55,969 --> 00:50:58,513
‪我妈站在一角说:
‪“他会不会把我们绑起来的?”

772
00:50:58,513 --> 00:51:00,599
‪我爸大叫:“玛姬 你给我闭嘴!

773
00:51:01,683 --> 00:51:04,895
‪你脑残的儿子刚刚把我们送进了
‪一个连环杀手的家里

774
00:51:05,771 --> 00:51:08,273
‪他闻起来跟屎一样
‪你们没闻到他身上的味道吗?”

775
00:51:08,857 --> 00:51:12,110
‪可能是他边吃奶酪通心粉
‪边喝咖啡一整天呢?

776
00:51:12,110 --> 00:51:14,362
‪那个家伙说:“先生 我听得见哦”

777
00:51:16,073 --> 00:51:18,784
‪如今我真的恐慌发作

778
00:51:18,784 --> 00:51:23,288
‪我每次紧张 肚子就会不舒服
‪我马上就要拉出来了

779
00:51:24,664 --> 00:51:27,501
‪我环顾四周
‪看看能不能找到花瓶或能拉屎的东西

780
00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:31,505
‪我爸太了解我了 他大叫:“你休想!

781
00:51:32,005 --> 00:51:35,133
‪他又想像以前参加网球训练营时那样
‪把屎拉在植物上了

782
00:51:35,801 --> 00:51:39,262
‪真他妈的 这个脑残的小子
‪竟然把我们送进连环杀手的家里!

783
00:51:39,262 --> 00:51:41,264
‪现在还想在他妈房里拉屎?”

784
00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:44,976
‪我两个女儿开心得蹦蹦跳跳

785
00:51:46,103 --> 00:51:50,190
‪我老婆无动于衷
‪她一个人就发现了四个线索

786
00:51:52,943 --> 00:51:55,654
‪她拉了桌底下的启动杆
‪整间房子的灯突然灭了

787
00:51:56,822 --> 00:51:58,657
‪期间我们听到两声尖叫和咚地一声

788
00:51:59,449 --> 00:52:00,408
‪灯再度亮起来

789
00:52:00,408 --> 00:52:03,537
‪我发现自己正在抱住两个女儿
‪仿佛拿她们当护盾似的

790
00:52:05,205 --> 00:52:07,833
‪我妈则掉进一个古董箱里

791
00:52:07,833 --> 00:52:10,001
‪“你老爸竟然把我往墙上甩!”

792
00:52:11,378 --> 00:52:13,755
‪我爸说:“去他妈的
‪她骗人 是她自个儿摔倒的”

793
00:52:15,382 --> 00:52:18,009
‪那个家伙说:
‪“我看到他把她往墙上甩”

794
00:52:19,344 --> 00:52:22,889
‪莉安解开了另外两个谜题
‪墙上的隐藏门突然打开

795
00:52:22,889 --> 00:52:25,809
‪门后是一个爬行通道
‪高60公分 宽90公分

796
00:52:25,809 --> 00:52:28,019
‪通道延伸到另一个房间

797
00:52:28,562 --> 00:52:30,397
‪我妈把头钻进去

798
00:52:30,397 --> 00:52:31,523
‪伸出来时 她说...

799
00:52:34,568 --> 00:52:36,611
‪“我们好像要爬进去”

800
00:52:38,446 --> 00:52:40,157
‪我爸听了说:“你先爬进去”

801
00:52:41,700 --> 00:52:44,661
‪她爬进去后
‪我爸转过头说:“她死定了

802
00:52:46,037 --> 00:52:47,956
‪谢天谢地 我们不需要她”

803
00:52:47,956 --> 00:52:51,543
‪莉安钻进通道里后
‪我爸喊道:“最强大脑跑了

804
00:52:52,460 --> 00:52:54,796
‪只剩下我们三个人
‪赶紧都给我钻进墙里!”

805
00:52:55,797 --> 00:52:59,384
‪我说:“我不想爬进去”
‪乔治娅说:“逼爸爸进去”

806
00:53:00,552 --> 00:53:02,220
‪我说:“女儿 你爸有幽闭恐惧症”

807
00:53:02,220 --> 00:53:04,890
‪艾拉听了说:
‪“怎么把自闭症也扯进来了?”

808
00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:06,683
‪我大叫:“艾拉 你给我闭嘴!”

809
00:53:10,437 --> 00:53:12,522
‪我爸说:“老兄 这是给你的坏消息

810
00:53:13,356 --> 00:53:15,108
‪你必须给我钻进去”

811
00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:19,362
‪他接着说:“丫头们 你们先进去
‪大块头 你先进去 我在你后面

812
00:53:19,362 --> 00:53:22,115
‪麻烦你闭上眼睛 听我指示

813
00:53:22,115 --> 00:53:25,243
‪我会告诉你怎么穿过通道 相信我

814
00:53:25,243 --> 00:53:28,622
‪你要敢僵住不动
‪我就撞你屁股 把你撞穿这堵墙

815
00:53:30,123 --> 00:53:31,625
‪好了 我们走吧”

816
00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:36,087
‪我女儿、我和我爸
‪陆续钻入墙上的通道

817
00:53:36,630 --> 00:53:39,716
‪我注意听他的声音
‪就像小时候打棒球时他给我打气那样

818
00:53:39,716 --> 00:53:42,719
‪他说:“大块头 我们可以的
‪我们无所不能

819
00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:46,306
‪听我的声音 我们可以的
‪就我们俩 合作无间”

820
00:53:47,182 --> 00:53:48,099
‪听好

821
00:53:50,644 --> 00:53:53,146
‪我不知道是不是...

822
00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:56,524
‪跟我身体的角度有关

823
00:54:04,658 --> 00:54:05,825
‪还是我的恐慌情绪...

824
00:54:07,619 --> 00:54:09,204
‪都囤积在我的腹部里

825
00:54:10,664 --> 00:54:14,084
‪也有可能是因为
‪我的四肢都在发抖的关系

826
00:54:16,461 --> 00:54:19,297
‪总之那一刻
‪我释放出一股奇臭无比的屁

827
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:24,344
‪那种屁就像打嗝后释放出来的气味
‪像这样...

828
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:33,436
‪就像魔咒从木乃伊石棺
‪被释放出来的那一瞬间

829
00:54:37,148 --> 00:54:42,070
‪那种会让屁股感到热辣辣的屁
‪那股气体足以烫伤屁眼

830
00:54:42,070 --> 00:54:45,865
‪让人以为明明是屁
‪感觉上就像要拉出血一样

831
00:54:48,660 --> 00:54:51,538
‪我的屁股对着他的嘴巴
‪所以我把屁直接送进他嘴里

832
00:54:54,958 --> 00:54:59,504
‪他马上从辅导模式转为飙脏话模式
‪他喊道:“我们可以的 大块头!

833
00:54:59,504 --> 00:55:00,547
‪我们可以...

834
00:55:03,258 --> 00:55:04,426
‪真他妈的 别停下来

835
00:55:05,844 --> 00:55:07,637
‪我们无所不...搞什么鬼?

836
00:55:08,346 --> 00:55:10,390
‪附近好像有动物的死尸

837
00:55:12,058 --> 00:55:13,351
‪又好像是石棉的味道

838
00:55:14,811 --> 00:55:16,521
‪我的眼睛好辣 别停下来

839
00:55:18,398 --> 00:55:21,026
‪这里感觉就像
‪《肖申克的救赎》里的通道

840
00:55:21,026 --> 00:55:22,610
‪你怎么还不动呢?

841
00:55:23,570 --> 00:55:24,863
‪都渗透到我的皮肤里了!

842
00:55:25,655 --> 00:55:27,657
‪我的衣服好烫

843
00:55:28,533 --> 00:55:29,784
‪快动啊 臭小子!”

844
00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:33,204
‪我转过头去说:“我动不了
‪我快要拉出来了”

845
00:55:33,204 --> 00:55:34,414
‪他叫道:“是你放屁?

846
00:55:35,415 --> 00:55:37,917
‪是你放屁 你害我得癌症了!

847
00:55:40,211 --> 00:55:42,881
‪味道都跑进我的牙缝里了
‪不要停下来!”

848
00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:51,514
‪我两个女儿钻出来后
‪露出欢欣雀跃的神情

849
00:55:53,266 --> 00:55:55,852
‪她们跑到我妈面前说:
‪“奶奶 愿望实现了”

850
00:55:57,812 --> 00:56:00,523
‪我钻出来后说:“妈妈 我不开心”

851
00:56:02,067 --> 00:56:05,445
‪我爸钻出来后
‪就像萨达姆爬出藏身处一样

852
00:56:07,072 --> 00:56:09,366
‪他破口大骂:“真他妈的 狗娘养的!

853
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:12,452
‪天啊 你给我去看医生!

854
00:56:13,745 --> 00:56:15,955
‪那是有病的屁 那是不...

855
00:56:15,955 --> 00:56:18,333
‪玛姬 他的屎味跟你家人一样

856
00:56:18,333 --> 00:56:21,002
‪儿子 你要去做结肠镜检查!

857
00:56:21,002 --> 00:56:24,464
‪听好 这是有病的症状
‪你老婆跑哪里去了?”

858
00:56:26,591 --> 00:56:29,386
‪莉安从天花板的椽木上钻出来

859
00:56:31,262 --> 00:56:33,890
‪她说:“阿尔伯特
‪密室之谜好像被我破解了

860
00:56:35,141 --> 00:56:37,769
‪打开其中一扇门试试”
‪我爸说:“不用说我也会去打开”

861
00:56:38,770 --> 00:56:43,233
‪门上有三个把手
‪他扭动其中一个 门动也不动

862
00:56:43,233 --> 00:56:44,734
‪锁住了

863
00:56:44,734 --> 00:56:48,947
‪我两个女儿双腿夹紧
‪她们快尿出来了

864
00:56:49,906 --> 00:56:52,534
‪他的爆发指数来到了九级
‪他大骂:“狗娘养的!”

865
00:56:53,535 --> 00:56:56,204
‪扭动下一个门把手 毫无动静
‪他大骂:“真他妈的!”

866
00:56:57,539 --> 00:57:00,792
‪扭动下一个门把手 门应声打开

867
00:57:00,792 --> 00:57:04,129
‪他转过身 背对着门对我们大喊

868
00:57:04,129 --> 00:57:06,089
‪“终于结束了!”

869
00:57:07,924 --> 00:57:09,551
‪他没看到我们看到了什么

870
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:13,179
‪门后有个90岁的老太婆

871
00:57:14,639 --> 00:57:16,349
‪穿着睡袍 躲在衣帽间里

872
00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:18,601
‪她躲在那个衣帽间里整整45分钟了

873
00:57:20,103 --> 00:57:22,105
‪我不知道是她比较害怕
‪还是我们比较害怕

874
00:57:24,566 --> 00:57:28,111
‪她设法睁开眼睛 适应眼前的光线
‪回想她的台词

875
00:57:28,111 --> 00:57:29,028
‪她说:“我...”

876
00:57:31,406 --> 00:57:32,740
‪我爸马上把门关上

877
00:57:34,159 --> 00:57:37,871
‪用脚顶住那扇门
‪大喊:“赶紧钻回通道里!”

878
00:57:39,956 --> 00:57:42,333
‪我两个女儿已经笑到在地上打滚了

879
00:57:43,334 --> 00:57:45,003
‪乔治娅望着我说

880
00:57:45,003 --> 00:57:47,589
‪“比我想象中还要精彩!”

881
00:57:49,174 --> 00:57:52,343
‪我爸望着我问:
‪“她们到底是什么意思?”

882
00:57:53,386 --> 00:57:55,972
‪我说:“老爸 你知道后可能会不高兴

883
00:57:57,223 --> 00:57:59,225
‪她们之所以要你来

884
00:58:00,894 --> 00:58:02,145
‪就是为了这一刻”

885
00:58:04,439 --> 00:58:06,441
‪他说:“你是指破解密室的谜题吗?”

886
00:58:07,358 --> 00:58:10,445
‪我说:“不是 是看你失控”

887
00:58:12,906 --> 00:58:14,908
‪他还站在原地 脚还顶着门

888
00:58:15,658 --> 00:58:17,827
‪他环顾四周
‪仿佛想在现场找个值得去爱的人

889
00:58:20,872 --> 00:58:22,457
‪他把目光停在我两个女儿身上

890
00:58:23,124 --> 00:58:24,292
‪“这是你们想要的?

891
00:58:26,753 --> 00:58:27,962
‪原来这是你们想要的”

892
00:58:29,214 --> 00:58:30,757
‪他看一眼手表 然后说

893
00:58:32,050 --> 00:58:34,552
‪“苹果手表显示 我的心率是154

894
00:58:40,391 --> 00:58:42,101
‪丫头们 我已经75岁了

895
00:58:43,937 --> 00:58:45,980
‪要定时吃九种药

896
00:58:46,606 --> 00:58:48,691
‪我有高血压、高胆固醇!

897
00:58:48,691 --> 00:58:50,860
‪你们老爸还对着我的嘴巴放屁!

898
00:58:51,986 --> 00:58:55,240
‪衣帽间里还有一个
‪从《泰坦尼克号》走出来的老太婆!

899
00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:57,951
‪这真的是你们想要的吗?”

900
00:58:58,868 --> 00:59:00,578
‪艾拉望着乔治娅 然后...

901
00:59:00,578 --> 00:59:04,707
‪“祝你生日快乐”

902
00:59:09,671 --> 00:59:10,755
‪逆流而上!

903
00:59:16,636 --> 00:59:20,014
‪谢谢你们!

904
01:01:12,293 --> 01:01:15,296
‪字幕翻译:张庆龄