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Hello,
Hello, it's me, Tom Allen, your
mate,
Hello, it's me, Tom Allen, your mate, the chirpy, less repulsive and
rotate
mate, the chirpy, less repulsive and rotate punter instead of misogyny
and
rotate punter instead of misogyny and steering hate, I chose laughter,
for
and steering hate, I chose laughter, for it is a refreshing breeze in a
hot
for it is a refreshing breeze in a hot summer's garden, the cooling
relief
hot summer's garden, the cooling relief of Elizabeth Arden punter on
a
relief of Elizabeth Arden punter on a royal man's tantra, a welcome
lodger,
a royal man's tantra, a welcome lodger, in every house, heart and
home.
lodger, in every house, heart and home. It makes the hardest of hearts
feel
home. It makes the hardest of hearts feel slightly more squishy, and
anchor
feel slightly more squishy, and anchor when the world spin so fast
we
anchor when the world spin so fast we feel dizzy, in the vehicle of
life,
we feel dizzy, in the vehicle of life, when the journey feels iffy,
it
life, when the journey feels iffy, it is the seat bait we all wear even
Rishi.
it is the seat bait we all wear even Rishi. So come on, whether it is
jokes
Rishi. So come on, whether it is jokes at the table in the pub open
Mike,
jokes at the table in the pub open Mike, you could be he, she, they or
other
Mike, you could be he, she, they or other pronouns Piers doesn't like.
Even
other pronouns Piers doesn't like. Even the darkest a few McCance make
the world seem light because that is
the power of laughter. Knock knock,
who's
the power of laughter. Knock knock, who's there? To be honest, don't
care.
who's there? To be honest, don't care. Put us in a stadium or even
the
care. Put us in a stadium or even the Palladium or some random pub in
Hull
the Palladium or some random pub in Hull with one single lady. Joy at
the
Hull with one single lady. Joy at the heart of it and you are all part
of it, so tonight let's celebrate
comedy!
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome,
Welcome, everybody! Great to have
you
Welcome, everybody! Great to have you here. Give it up for Munya
Chawawa,
you here. Give it up for Munya Chawawa, who wrote the brilliant Ode
To
Chawawa, who wrote the brilliant Ode To Comedy, wonderful. Hello, the
National
To Comedy, wonderful. Hello, the National Comedy Awards are back, a
once
National Comedy Awards are back, a once a year opportunity to shine a
light
once a year opportunity to shine a light and praise a bunch of
attention
light and praise a bunch of attention seeking loudmouths who'd
been
attention seeking loudmouths who'd been on your television is 24/7, and
I'm
been on your television is 24/7, and I'm hosting which can only mean one
thing,
I'm hosting which can only mean one thing, I wasn't nominated again!
Never
Never the
Never the bride, always the
bridesmaid,
Never the bride, always the bridesmaid, that suggests I was
nominated
bridesmaid, that suggests I was nominated and even a bridesmaid, I'm
the
nominated and even a bridesmaid, I'm the bloody vicar! This year is a bit
different
the bloody vicar! This year is a bit different because we are live!
CHEERING
So
CHEERING So whether you are watching in the
room
So whether you are watching in the room or at home or in China by a
weather
room or at home or in China by a weather balloon, welcome to the
National
weather balloon, welcome to the National Comedy Awards. We are here
in
National Comedy Awards. We are here in Camden at the Roundhouse which
just
in Camden at the Roundhouse which just 19 years ago quite a cool
place.
just 19 years ago quite a cool place. It's wonderful. We are live
on
place. It's wonderful. We are live on Channel 4, the home of edgy
television
on Channel 4, the home of edgy television shows such as Grand
Designs,
television shows such as Grand Designs, Escape To The Chateau! And
most
Designs, Escape To The Chateau! And most edgy, Four In Bet because what
could
most edgy, Four In Bet because what could be more edgy about
middle-class
could be more edgy about middle-class B&B owners bickering
over
middle-class B&B owners bickering over fried eggs opened at the set
could
over fried eggs opened at the set could collapse, somebody might
swear,
could collapse, somebody might swear, I fucking hope not! A
well-known
swear, I fucking hope not! A well-known comedy face could let the
mask
well-known comedy face could let the mask slip and show the public who
they
mask slip and show the public who they really are. I'm not even
got
got tips
got tips that I love tips! It's
believable.
got tips that I love tips! It's believable. I'm so excited by the
legend
believable. I'm so excited by the legend with us tonight, we have Bob
Mortimer!
legend with us tonight, we have Bob Mortimer! CHEERING
Jack
Mortimer! CHEERING Jack Dee! And Hugh Dennis! CHEERING
There
Jack Dee! And Hugh Dennis! CHEERING There would have been many more they
have either been cancelled or are in
prison.
have either been cancelled or are in prison. Well done, you three. The
cast
prison. Well done, you three. The cast of Smack The Pony are here and
this
cast of Smack The Pony are here and this year marks 23 years since it
first
this year marks 23 years since it first appeared on our screens and
20th
first appeared on our screens and 20th since Channel 4 cancelled it!
Well
20th since Channel 4 cancelled it! Well done! The brilliant pop star
Self-esteem
Well done! The brilliant pop star Self-esteem is here. Making up for
the
Self-esteem is here. Making up for the lack of self-esteem in our
comedians
the lack of self-esteem in our comedians here tonight! If only we
had
comedians here tonight! If only we had invited a performer called
self-awareness!
had invited a performer called self-awareness! To make a great
comedians,
self-awareness! To make a great comedians, Joe Lycett and Mo
Gilligan,
comedians, Joe Lycett and Mo Gilligan, will receive special
accolades
Gilligan, will receive special accolades so we look forward to
hearing
accolades so we look forward to hearing more from them. But let's
not
hearing more from them. But let's not forget this even is about Stand
Up
not forget this even is about Stand Up To Cancer and raising money for
Cancer research, all whilst fighting
for
Cancer research, all whilst fighting for the attention that we perform it
so
for the attention that we perform it so desperately crave for ourselves.
So
so desperately crave for ourselves. So many comedians are surprised at
this
So many comedians are surprised at this year, Joe Lycett showed us his
bravery
this year, Joe Lycett showed us his bravery by standing up to Qatar,
Bill
bravery by standing up to Qatar, Bill Bailey showed his charitable
side
Bill Bailey showed his charitable side by walking 100 miles and
raising
side by walking 100 miles and raising over £100,000 and Katherine
Ryan
raising over £100,000 and Katherine Ryan showed us she had a massive tax
bill
Ryan showed us she had a massive tax bill to pay by dressing up as a
pigeon.
bill to pay by dressing up as a pigeon. It has been another
wonderful
pigeon. It has been another wonderful year of comedy performed
by
wonderful year of comedy performed by the best comedic talent this
country
by the best comedic talent this country has to offer but enough
about
country has to offer but enough about me let's have a look at what
these
about me let's have a look at what these wankers have been up to in the
last
these wankers have been up to in the last 12 months!
Who
Who authorised that? No one cares
any
Who authorised that? No one cares any more! We got anarchy, no rules!
Let
any more! We got anarchy, no rules! Let it go.
On
On the
On the other geezers in? We want to
help
On the other geezers in? We want to help the world man up.
Everything but that could have
happened
Everything but that could have happened has happened.
The
The best
The best thing about life TV is I
can
The best thing about life TV is I can do stupid stuff like this!
That's
can do stupid stuff like this! That's the first time I've ever met
someone
That's the first time I've ever met someone as famous as you go... Let's
talk
someone as famous as you go... Let's talk about the sex tape. Decorum,
decorum.
talk about the sex tape. Decorum, decorum. Guess who's back?
Neat
Neat and
Neat and tidy, that's what I like to
see.
Neat and tidy, that's what I like to see. Something about shifty about
her.
see. Something about shifty about her. All afternoon I've been
practising!
her. All afternoon I've been practising! It's not what I thought
we
practising! It's not what I thought we were going. Come round to my
house,
we were going. Come round to my house, and have a dinner party door.
Are
house, and have a dinner party door. Are you freaking out? Of course.
Can
Can you
Can you remember any of the wrap you
did?
Can you remember any of the wrap you did? My money don't jiggle jiggle,
it
did? My money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It is also a very special night for
you
It is also a very special night for you watching at home. You have the
chance
you watching at home. You have the chance to shape this evening's
entertainment
chance to shape this evening's entertainment live, not by switching
off
entertainment live, not by switching off or braking into this auditorium
and
off or braking into this auditorium and streaking but try to do that if
you
and streaking but try to do that if you like. You can vote for the
winner
you like. You can vote for the winner of the best stand-up award
live
winner of the best stand-up award live via Twitter. It is this
brand-new
live via Twitter. It is this brand-new thing, you will love it.
And
brand-new thing, you will love it. And I just say ahead of time, I
appreciate
And I just say ahead of time, I appreciate every single vote that
comes
appreciate every single vote that comes my way. No, not nominated
there
comes my way. No, not nominated there either. I don't know why I
bloody
there either. I don't know why I bloody well turn up. The nominees
tonight
bloody well turn up. The nominees tonight are...
You
You can
You can vote for your favourite
stand-up
You can vote for your favourite stand-up show using the hashtag Tom
Allen
stand-up show using the hashtag Tom Allen was robbed! No, you can
actually
Allen was robbed! No, you can actually seriously register your
vote
actually seriously register your vote by going on to Twitter the new
thing,
vote by going on to Twitter the new thing, really great and put in the
following.
thing, really great and put in the following. It's very
straightforward.
following. It's very straightforward. Make sure you put
the
straightforward. Make sure you put the first name of your favourite
comedian,
the first name of your favourite comedian, just the first name but
now
comedian, just the first name but now the first award. Big Boys is a
fantastic
now the first award. Big Boys is a fantastic new sitcom and not as I
initially
fantastic new sitcom and not as I initially thought a game you make of
Little
initially thought a game you make of Little Women Centre Is Likely To
Present
Little Women Centre Is Likely To Present The Award For Outstanding
E-mail
Present The Award For Outstanding E-mail Comedy Entertainment
Performance
E-mail Comedy Entertainment Performance Is The Big Boys
Themselves,
Performance Is The Big Boys Themselves, Jackled, Dylan Llewellyn
And
Themselves, Jackled, Dylan Llewellyn And John Poynton! -- Jack Brooks.
Hello.
Hello. The National Comedy Awards
Gives
Hello. The National Comedy Awards Gives Us The Chance To Acknowledge
Some
Gives Us The Chance To Acknowledge Some Of The Best New And Exciting
Comedy
Some Of The Best New And Exciting Comedy Shows Of The Year.
Some Of The Best New And Exciting And Comedy Shows Of The Year.
Some Of The Best New And Exciting Comedy Shows Of The Year. And Last
Year
Comedy Shows Of The Year. And Last Year Saw Awards For Shows Like Sex
Education.
Year Saw Awards For Shows Like Sex Education. And Sex Education.
Year Saw Awards For Shows Like Sex Sex Education. And Sex Education.
Sex Education.
The
Education. And Sex Education. Sex Education. The nominees for this
year's understanding female
performance
year's understanding female performance are...
What
What is
What is it? Pyramids. I'm an
Egyptian
What is it? Pyramids. I'm an Egyptian queen. I've built pyramids.
Thanks.
Egyptian queen. I've built pyramids. Thanks. What's your name? Nefertiti.
Sudan
Sudan is
Sudan is the most corrupt and is
uncommon
Sudan is the most corrupt and is uncommon in Denmark and it's all
included
uncommon in Denmark and it's all included in the bill. How do you
show
included in the bill. How do you show your gratitude for an
exceptional
show your gratitude for an exceptional waiter. You say that was
fine
exceptional waiter. You say that was fine and then leave. From the age of
16
fine and then leave. From the age of 16 to 201I worked at WH Smiths and
every
16 to 201I worked at WH Smiths and every Christmas Eve we were allowed
to
every Christmas Eve we were allowed to get dressed up and one of the
years
to get dressed up and one of the years nobody else wanted to apart
for
years nobody else wanted to apart for me and my friend so we decided
to
for me and my friend so we decided to do bad taste. I got some clothes
from
to do bad taste. I got some clothes from my friend's mum and we wore
them.
from my friend's mum and we wore them. And nobody noticed.
You
You have
You have a point and that's how I
note
You have a point and that's how I note that it's only right if you
come
note that it's only right if you come up without a point, eight
living
come up without a point, eight living life right, simple as that.
Is
living life right, simple as that. Is the most confident man I've ever
met
Is the most confident man I've ever met in my life. Nobody expected him
to
met in my life. Nobody expected him to have that voice. The Baby face
tells
to have that voice. The Baby face tells a million stories. You got a
baby
tells a million stories. You got a baby face and a daddy Dick, I can
hear
baby face and a daddy Dick, I can hear that.
I
I thought
I thought you weren't going to try
it
I thought you weren't going to try it because argue from Shrewsbury or
something?
it because argue from Shrewsbury or something? You seem like you just
eat
something? You seem like you just eat roasts.
And
And the
And the winner is... Katherine Ryan!
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank
Thank you
Thank you so much. My goodness, I
did
Thank you so much. My goodness, I did not expect to win this early.
When
did not expect to win this early. When we filmed backstage with Kevin
Ryan,
When we filmed backstage with Kevin Ryan, I had Covid and a newborn so
my
Ryan, I had Covid and a newborn so my performance was massively propped
up
my performance was massively propped up by huge team, Mark Oliver,
through
up by huge team, Mark Oliver, through the applicant was basically
weekend
through the applicant was basically weekend at Bernie is, I was not
there.
weekend at Bernie is, I was not there. And a huge team, in this
room,
there. And a huge team, in this room, we had 28 camera operators
intimacy
room, we had 28 camera operators intimacy Coach, Somalia, we get it,
Amazon,
intimacy Coach, Somalia, we get it, Amazon, your loaded.
I
I would
I would love to make it again. I
feel
I would love to make it again. I feel so privileged to do this job. I
love
feel so privileged to do this job. I love coming to the comedy awards not
just
love coming to the comedy awards not just because Stand Up To Cancer is
so
just because Stand Up To Cancer is so amazing because I get to see all
my
so amazing because I get to see all my friends. I'm pissed already. Have
a
my friends. I'm pissed already. Have a great night, thank you so much!
APPLAUSE
Congratulations to Katherine Ryan
hugely
Congratulations to Katherine Ryan hugely well deserved. We have
already
hugely well deserved. We have already crowned one performer a win
and
already crowned one performer a win and shattered the fragile self worth
of
and shattered the fragile self worth of another four. Join us after the
break
of another four. Join us after the break to see us crush some more
egos.
break to see us crush some more egos. And we will see who scoops the
outstanding
egos. And we will see who scoops the outstanding Male, the entertainment
performance
outstanding Male, the entertainment performance and a very special
message
performance and a very special message now from an absolute legend.
Everyone's life will be touched by
cancer
Everyone's life will be touched by cancer at some point and it is
completely
cancer at some point and it is completely shit. Take me come 18
months
completely shit. Take me come 18 months ago my mother was diagnosed
with
months ago my mother was diagnosed with a form of cancer that 30 years
ago
with a form of cancer that 30 years ago probably would have meant game
over
ago probably would have meant game over but because of initiatives like
Stand
over but because of initiatives like Stand Up To Cancer she now has a
clean
Stand Up To Cancer she now has a clean bill of health. It is so worth
donating
clean bill of health. It is so worth donating if you can. And if you can,
please
donating if you can. And if you can, please text... Or you can donate on
APPLAUSE please text... Or you can donate on
APPLAUSE Thanks, thanks, I'll bear that in
mind.
Thanks, thanks, I'll bear that in mind. Well come back to the National
Comedy
mind. Well come back to the National Comedy Awards for Stand Up To
Cancer,
Comedy Awards for Stand Up To Cancer, live on Channel 4. Yeah,
yeah,
Cancer, live on Channel 4. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The show is well under
way
yeah, yeah. The show is well under way and I can see that for most
people
way and I can see that for most people the drugs are really starting
to
people the drugs are really starting to kick in, for the cast of Derry
Girls,
to kick in, for the cast of Derry Girls, it is meow meow, and for the
cast
Girls, it is meow meow, and for the cast of QI, it is pills for angina.
Our
cast of QI, it is pills for angina. Our next award is for best comedy
pod
Our next award is for best comedy pod cast. Oh, I love a pod cast,
it's
pod cast. Oh, I love a pod cast, it's just like the radio. To present
it,
it's just like the radio. To present it, for the love of God, it is Judi
Love
it, for the love of God, it is Judi Love and Rosie Jones! CHEERING AND
APPLAUSE
Yes!
Yes! Honestly, you are so naughty,
rosy.
Yes! Honestly, you are so naughty, rosy. Listen, it is lovely being out
here
rosy. Listen, it is lovely being out here with you, it is great, I feel
like
here with you, it is great, I feel like somebody definitely ticked the
diversity
like somebody definitely ticked the diversity box when they picked us.
Yes!
diversity box when they picked us. Yes! We are the only two comedians
that
Yes! We are the only two comedians that don't have a pod cast. Yes. I
was
that don't have a pod cast. Yes. I was going to do one. Year. But I'm
not
was going to do one. Year. But I'm not allowed, because it would take
to
not allowed, because it would take to fucking long. Also, it would be
stupid.
to fucking long. Also, it would be stupid. Just like we like it. The
nominees
stupid. Just like we like it. The nominees for Best Comedy Podcast
are...
APPLAUSE
Right,
APPLAUSE Right, and the winner of Best Comedy
Podcast
Right, and the winner of Best Comedy Podcast is... Oh, Shagged Married
Annoyed.
Podcast is... Oh, Shagged Married Annoyed. Yes!
APPLAUSE
Thank
APPLAUSE Thank you! Rosie! How are you doing?
I'll
Thank you! Rosie! How are you doing? I'll be all right, I'll be all
right.
I'll be all right, I'll be all right. Speech! Thank you so much,
this
right. Speech! Thank you so much, this is the second one, thank you so
much,
this is the second one, thank you so much, appreciate it! Thank you so
much
much, appreciate it! Thank you so much to produce a daisy. we love
you!
much to produce a daisy. we love you! She genuinely stopped us
getting
you! She genuinely stopped us getting cancelled every single
fudging
getting cancelled every single fudging week, if we ever piss you
off
fudging week, if we ever piss you off we are done, mate. -- every
single
off we are done, mate. -- every single fucking week. Everyone at
Avalon
single fucking week. Everyone at Avalon and Acast, the fans for
voting,
Avalon and Acast, the fans for voting, that is what this is all
about,
voting, that is what this is all about, a podcast is amazing because
I
about, a podcast is amazing because I always used to get their stuff
that
I always used to get their stuff that music cheated because musicians
can
that music cheated because musicians can play the same song over and over
again
can play the same song over and over again and everyone listens to it and
you
again and everyone listens to it and you can listen to it when you're
walking
you can listen to it when you're walking the dog or ironing and to
the sight listens to stand up when
they
the sight listens to stand up when they are ironing? But the podcast
has
they are ironing? But the podcast has bridged that gap. -- who listens
to
has bridged that gap. -- who listens to stand up when they are ironing?
Up
to stand up when they are ironing? Up to the north, Off Menu, thank you
all
Up to the north, Off Menu, thank you all so much, all of the other
nominees.
all so much, all of the other nominees. Does he ever fucking shut
up?
nominees. Does he ever fucking shut up? My Gobern you did not want to
talk
up? My Gobern you did not want to talk because it was live. Yes, I
didn't,
talk because it was live. Yes, I didn't, because I would shit myself.
They'd
didn't, because I would shit myself. They'd love to their parents who
watch
They'd love to their parents who watch our kids because if they
didn't,
watch our kids because if they didn't, we wouldn't be able to do
this
didn't, we wouldn't be able to do this are so big love to the
grandparents.
this are so big love to the grandparents. Thank you so much.
Head
grandparents. Thank you so much. Head off that way, head of that way!
Very
Head off that way, head of that way! Very nice! Congratulations to Chris
and
Very nice! Congratulations to Chris and Rosie Ramsey. To present the
award
and Rosie Ramsey. To present the award for Outstanding Male Comedy
Entertainment
award for Outstanding Male Comedy Entertainment Performance, which is
quite
Entertainment Performance, which is quite a mouthful, isn't it, one of
the
quite a mouthful, isn't it, one of the stars of Ghosts, and a man
people
the stars of Ghosts, and a man people call the goat because he is
small
people call the goat because he is small and horny. It is Lolly Adefope
and Bill Bailey! CHEERING AND
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
No.
CHEERING No. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. You know
what
No. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. You know what I mean? Yeah, just say no. Just
say no. OK. Right. Before we start,
a
say no. OK. Right. Before we start, a big round of applause for my
co-host,
a big round of applause for my co-host, who is a double nominee
tonight!
co-host, who is a double nominee tonight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She
tonight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE She is up for not one, but two
awards.
She is up for not one, but two awards. Thank you so much and how
many
awards. Thank you so much and how many awards are you up for, Bill?
Um...
many awards are you up for, Bill? Um... None. Interesting. Zero. But
you
Um... None. Interesting. Zero. But you know, I'm fine, I am not into
awards.
you know, I'm fine, I am not into awards. Trophies, I find the whole
thing
awards. Trophies, I find the whole thing of unwarranted adulation of it
unseemly.
thing of unwarranted adulation of it unseemly. Yeah... Matt Kirby the
whole
unseemly. Yeah... Matt Kirby the whole concept of awards and prizes
is
whole concept of awards and prizes is an artificial meritocracy imposed
on
is an artificial meritocracy imposed on us by the cultural hegemony which
I
on us by the cultural hegemony which I refuse to take part in due to its
inherent
I refuse to take part in due to its inherent meaninglessness. Thank you.
I
inherent meaninglessness. Thank you. I noticed your arms are behind your
back,
I noticed your arms are behind your back, I wondered if there was
something
back, I wondered if there was something going on. Yes, it is my
strictly
something going on. Yes, it is my strictly trophy. CHEERING AND
APPLAUSE
I
APPLAUSE I carry it with me everywhere. Yeah.
It
I carry it with me everywhere. Yeah. It is not for validation. It's got
my
It is not for validation. It's got my house keys on it.
It is not for validation. It's got It my house keys on it.
It is not for validation. It's got It is my house keys on it.
It is not for validation. It's got my house keys on it. It is a key
ring.
my house keys on it. It is a key It ring.
my house keys on it. It is a key It is ring.
my house keys on it. It is a key It is a ring.
my house keys on it. It is a key It is a key ring.
my house keys on it. It is a key ring. It is a key ring, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Do
LAUGHTER Do you want to have a selfie with
it?
Do you want to have a selfie with it? I'm OK. The suit yourself.
Well...
it? I'm OK. The suit yourself. Well... LAUGHTER
Taking
Well... LAUGHTER Taking over the entire podium. Yeah!
Yes.
Taking over the entire podium. Yeah! Yes. The nominees for outstanding
male
Yes. The nominees for outstanding male comedy performance are... Are
we
male comedy performance are... Are we both doing it?, no, you do it.
You
we both doing it?, no, you do it. You never played games in the bath?
Yeah,
You never played games in the bath? Yeah, I did. What kind?
You never played games in the bath? You Yeah, I did. What kind?
You never played games in the bath? Yeah, I did. What kind? You know.
That
Yeah, I did. What kind? You know. That is not a game. See if you can
use
That is not a game. See if you can use elastic bands to make it like in
Sudbury.
use elastic bands to make it like in Sudbury. Pansy, Ferry, milkshake
vinca,
Sudbury. Pansy, Ferry, milkshake vinca, jumbo tranny, cock in a
frock,
vinca, jumbo tranny, cock in a frock, Chicchi man, lotion man
Cologne
frock, Chicchi man, lotion man Cologne biter, friend of David
Walliams.
Cologne biter, friend of David Walliams. I wouldn't do that if I
were
Walliams. I wouldn't do that if I were you. I wouldn't open it just
yet.
were you. I wouldn't open it just yet. I'm just saying, wouldn't open
it
yet. I'm just saying, wouldn't open it yet. I should open this because
this thing is happening now -- are
counting
this thing is happening now -- are counting down and you have just said
you wouldn't if I were you but that
is
you wouldn't if I were you but that is the kind of thing, it will get it
emit
is the kind of thing, it will get it emit ideal go, why did you open it?
So
emit ideal go, why did you open it? So I'm not later than this yet. You
can
So I'm not later than this yet. You can look at that whenever you want
but
can look at that whenever you want but I wouldn't if I were you. Why? I
know
but I wouldn't if I were you. Why? I know what's in it. The next one to
be
know what's in it. The next one to be sent off was Rob... What does he
do
be sent off was Rob... What does he do for a living? He is actually a
butcher.
do for a living? He is actually a butcher. A butcher? Is your butcher?
No,
butcher. A butcher? Is your butcher? No, I'm a vegan. How do you know
him?
No, I'm a vegan. How do you know him? He is next door to the veg
shop.
him? He is next door to the veg shop. So you naturally have got to
know
shop. So you naturally have got to know the shopkeeper to the shop next
door
know the shopkeeper to the shop next door to where you buy a vegetable. I
will
door to where you buy a vegetable. I will always give him a, "That's
cruel!"
will always give him a, "That's cruel!" Something beginning with L
that
cruel!" Something beginning with L that looks like a frog?
J,
J, J,
J, J, J.
J, J, J. APPLAUSE
OK,
J, J, J. APPLAUSE OK, and the winner of Outstanding
Male
OK, and the winner of Outstanding Male Comedy Entertainment
Performance
Male Comedy Entertainment Performance is... Lee Mack! CHEERING
AND
Performance is... Lee Mack! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now,
AND APPLAUSE Now, apparently he is not here to
accept
Now, apparently he is not here to accept the award but we have a
message
accept the award but we have a message from him so let's hear from
him.
message from him so let's hear from him. Thank you to the National
Comedy
him. Thank you to the National Comedy Awards and Stand Up To
Cancer,
Comedy Awards and Stand Up To Cancer, they have told me to do a
speech
Cancer, they have told me to do a speech and I will be quick, I would
like
speech and I will be quick, I would like to thank all the other people
including
like to thank all the other people including the other nominees, I'm a
big
including the other nominees, I'm a big fan of all of them but I've got
a
big fan of all of them but I've got a terrible memory, that all one who
does
a terrible memory, that all one who does that show where you have to
throw
does that show where you have to throw things in buckets and if you
Miss
throw things in buckets and if you Miss you go back to the studio and
he
Miss you go back to the studio and he starts calling you a decade and a
bloke
he starts calling you a decade and a bloke that sits next to him, the
sidekick
bloke that sits next to him, the sidekick who is not really the
sidekick,
sidekick who is not really the sidekick, it is his idea so he is a
clever
sidekick, it is his idea so he is a clever one, then you have got the
eyebrows,
clever one, then you have got the eyebrows, they would like a dog,
then
eyebrows, they would like a dog, then you have got the one who
shredded
then you have got the one who shredded David Beckham's pants or
something.
shredded David Beckham's pants or something. I would also like to
thank
something. I would also like to thank the host Tom Allen, I remember
his
thank the host Tom Allen, I remember his name, thank you and you have
proven
his name, thank you and you have proven you can have sexual
allegations
proven you can have sexual allegations and still have a career.
That
allegations and still have a career. That was Woody Allen, sorry! I would
also
That was Woody Allen, sorry! I would also like to thank everyone who
makes
also like to thank everyone who makes Would I Lie To You?, people
who
makes Would I Lie To You?, people who voted for me, thank you, they
often
who voted for me, thank you, they often come up to be in the street
and
often come up to be in the street and they say they love the show,
would
and they say they love the show, would you like to me? And you go,
you don't know that I'm a bit but
whatever.
you don't know that I'm a bit but whatever. I would like to thank the
other
whatever. I would like to thank the other people on the show, their
Welsh
other people on the show, their Welsh fella, forget his name, and a
posh
Welsh fella, forget his name, and a posh one with the beard. He is good.
Who
posh one with the beard. He is good. Who else have we got? I have got to
thank
Who else have we got? I have got to thank the people that work behind
the cameras, like the woman who
gives
the cameras, like the woman who gives me the coffee, can't remember
her
gives me the coffee, can't remember her name and she is nice and a
fellow
her name and she is nice and a fellow who irons my shirt every week
and
fellow who irons my shirt every week and also the people who created the
show,
and also the people who created the show, like Peter Holmes and Rachel
Ablett,
show, like Peter Holmes and Rachel Ablett, C, I did not pretend I did
not remember their names because
they
not remember their names because they deal with the common tracks.
And
they deal with the common tracks. And Melvyn Hayes from it 8/2 hot Mum
for
And Melvyn Hayes from it 8/2 hot Mum for no other reason than he is dead
right
for no other reason than he is dead right next to me. We are just
filming.
right next to me. We are just filming. Back on me, it is not about
Melvin.
filming. Back on me, it is not about Melvin. I would like to say, thank
you
Melvin. I would like to say, thank you very much, I don't do it for
awards,
you very much, I don't do it for awards, I do it for the money but
once
awards, I do it for the money but once again there has been no money
with
once again there has been no money with this award. A Habitat voucher
would
with this award. A Habitat voucher would have been nice! Let's go.
CHEERING
would have been nice! Let's go. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Brillian.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Brillian. Well done. This is going
to
Brillian. Well done. This is going to be on Vinted in about 15 minutes.
Thank
to be on Vinted in about 15 minutes. Thank you very much, thank you,
congratulations
Thank you very much, thank you, congratulations to Lee Mack! Really
enjoying
congratulations to Lee Mack! Really enjoying some dogging, I think.
Their
enjoying some dogging, I think. Their words comedy legend often gets
thrown
Their words comedy legend often gets thrown around willy-nilly,
willy-nilly
thrown around willy-nilly, willy-nilly being the way... That is
my
willy-nilly being the way... That is my new drag name, oh, I really
fudged
my new drag name, oh, I really fudged that up, that could have been
really
fudged that up, that could have been really funny. -- I really fudged
fudge
really funny. -- I really fudged fudge that up. Trying to make jokes
in
fudge that up. Trying to make jokes in a
Then!
Then! Truly is a legend, here to
tell
Then! Truly is a legend, here to tell us how a comedy legend nearly
became
tell us how a comedy legend nearly became comedy history is somebody
who
became comedy history is somebody who can honestly be described as one
of
who can honestly be described as one of the two living Monty Python
characters
of the two living Monty Python characters you would still want to
have
characters you would still want to have a conversation with. -- Monty
Python
have a conversation with. -- Monty Python members. It is Eric Idle.
Hello,
Hello, I'm Eric idle, I suppose
somebody
Hello, I'm Eric idle, I suppose somebody has to beat. I hope you're
enjoying
somebody has to beat. I hope you're enjoying the exceptional comedic
talent
enjoying the exceptional comedic talent in Britain has to offer at
the
talent in Britain has to offer at the National Comedy Awards for Stand
Up
the National Comedy Awards for Stand Up To Cancer. I'm happy to be here.
In
Up To Cancer. I'm happy to be here. In fact, I'm very happy to be
anywhere
In fact, I'm very happy to be anywhere these days because a few
years
anywhere these days because a few years ago I was writing another play
and
years ago I was writing another play and it was called Death The Musical.
Everyone's
and it was called Death The Musical. Everyone's idea of a great night
out.
Everyone's idea of a great night out. Let's not go and see Cats,
let's
out. Let's not go and see Cats, let's see dead cats could it's about
a
let's see dead cats could it's about a writer whose rehearsing a musical
about
a writer whose rehearsing a musical about death only to discover his
dying
about death only to discover his dying which is funny, right?
Dramatic
dying which is funny, right? Dramatic irony. I asked my doctor I
said
Dramatic irony. I asked my doctor I said what's the quickest way to kill
a
said what's the quickest way to kill a character and he said pancreatic
cancer,
a character and he said pancreatic cancer, you might only get three
weeks.
cancer, you might only get three weeks. That's perfect and I carried
on
weeks. That's perfect and I carried on writing. Flash forward ten years
later
on writing. Flash forward ten years later and I'm having a regular
checkup,
later and I'm having a regular checkup, MRI, with the same doctor
who
checkup, MRI, with the same doctor who spotted something on the screen
and
who spotted something on the screen and I said, what is that? He says
it's
and I said, what is that? He says it's pancreatic cancer. And I laugh
because
it's pancreatic cancer. And I laugh because what else can I do? The
writer
because what else can I do? The writer of the play about a writer
writing
writer of the play about a writer writing a play about death only to
discover
writing a play about death only to discover he's dying now discovers
he's dying too, and from the same
bloody
he's dying too, and from the same bloody disease. Fortunately for me,
whipped
bloody disease. Fortunately for me, whipped it out and I'm still here.
So
whipped it out and I'm still here. So I'm very lucky bastard having
survived
So I'm very lucky bastard having survived to Covid, cancer and
crucifixion.
survived to Covid, cancer and crucifixion. Anyway, early detection
is
crucifixion. Anyway, early detection is the key here, science is the real
hero
is the key here, science is the real hero and Stand Up To Cancer is
heading
hero and Stand Up To Cancer is heading the charge. So if you can
spare
heading the charge. So if you can spare £40, £30, £20 or £10 tonight,
please
spare £40, £30, £20 or £10 tonight, please text ...
70404.
70404. I
70404. I love it if you could do
that,
70404. I love it if you could do that, let's give everyone a chance
to
that, let's give everyone a chance to live and laugh longer and good
luck
to live and laugh longer and good luck to all my great funny fellow
comedians
luck to all my great funny fellow comedians tonight and remember,
always
comedians tonight and remember, always look on the bright side of
life!
always look on the bright side of life! APPLAUSE
The
The great
The great Eric Idle, everybody. And
as
The great Eric Idle, everybody. And as he said, if you fancy donating,
please
as he said, if you fancy donating, please feel free you know the drill.
That
please feel free you know the drill. That is part to overcome a mere 70
million
That is part to overcome a mere 70 million more parts to go. See you
after
million more parts to go. See you after the break when we will meet
one
after the break when we will meet one of our comedy breakthrough stars
and
one of our comedy breakthrough stars and Outstanding Comedy Actress will
also
and Outstanding Comedy Actress will also be crowned. See you in a bit,
by.
CHEERING by.
CHEERING AND by.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE by.
Welcome
Welcome back to the show you're
watching
Welcome back to the show you're watching the National Comedy Awards
with
watching the National Comedy Awards with Stand Up To Cancer and we are
live
with Stand Up To Cancer and we are live on Channel 4! Don't forget to
keep
live on Channel 4! Don't forget to keep voting for your favourite
stand-up
keep voting for your favourite stand-up show using the relevant
hashtag,
stand-up show using the relevant hashtag, you know what to do, very
straight
hashtag, you know what to do, very straight forward point and I am sat
with
straight forward point and I am sat with a brilliant Lenny Rush, star of
Am
with a brilliant Lenny Rush, star of Am I Being Unreasonable? Young and
talented
Am I Being Unreasonable? Young and talented and win it so I will spend
most
talented and win it so I will spend most of this chat tending to hide my
utter
most of this chat tending to hide my utter jealousy. Lovely to have you
here,
utter jealousy. Lovely to have you here, congratulations on the
breakthrough
here, congratulations on the breakthrough award. Thank you so
much,
breakthrough award. Thank you so much, I'm so happy I've just got the
trophy
much, I'm so happy I've just got the trophy and it's bigger than me! It
suits
trophy and it's bigger than me! It suits you. Before we go any further,
let's
suits you. Before we go any further, let's look at you in action.
Wear
Wear my
Wear my hat for a picture for you.
Is
Wear my hat for a picture for you. Is just so good. Yeah. It's...
Sorry,
Sorry, but be sorry for that, that's
unbelievably.
Sorry, but be sorry for that, that's unbelievably. That was quite good.
That
unbelievably. That was quite good. That was really great.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lenny!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lenny! I think you are the youngest
person
Lenny! I think you are the youngest person here, how old are you? I'm
13.
person here, how old are you? I'm 13. How was it failed to achieve
more
13. How was it failed to achieve more than most of the people have
achieved
more than most of the people have achieved in their whole lives? I
don't
achieved in their whole lives? I don't want to, you know... Very well
put,
don't want to, you know... Very well put, very humble. What's next for
you?
put, very humble. What's next for you? Saps or something? I'm picking
my
you? Saps or something? I'm picking my GSE SE options. But in terms of
acting,
my GSE SE options. But in terms of acting, what have I got? Who knows?
Hopefully
acting, what have I got? Who knows? Hopefully Am I Being Unreasonable?
And
Hopefully Am I Being Unreasonable? And when you want to thank you're
here?
And when you want to thank you're here? Your mum for letting you stay
up
here? Your mum for letting you stay up this late? Yeah, mum and dad why
not,
up this late? Yeah, mum and dad why not, my dog. And my brother. Lenny
Rush,
not, my dog. And my brother. Lenny Rush, everyone! APPLAUSE
Now
Rush, everyone! APPLAUSE Now we can to our next award,
Outstanding
Now we can to our next award, Outstanding Comedy Actress and to
present
Outstanding Comedy Actress and to present this are a couple of comedy
legend
present this are a couple of comedy legend who starred in the wonderful
Smack
legend who starred in the wonderful Smack The Pony, the groundwork and
show
Smack The Pony, the groundwork and show that left our screens 20th and
the
show that left our screens 20th and the reason I'm banned from a local
nature
the reason I'm banned from a local nature reserve. Please welcome the
doona
.
. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Hello. Lifetime Achievement
Award,
Hello! Hello. Lifetime Achievement Award, almost. You look lovely, like
address.
Award, almost. You look lovely, like address. I like yours, haven't seen
it
address. I like yours, haven't seen it before. It's not new, I don't buy
new
it before. It's not new, I don't buy new dresses. And every ethical with
my
new dresses. And every ethical with my clothes. What about yours? Is it
new?
my clothes. What about yours? Is it new? No, I'm not really into
sustained...
new? No, I'm not really into sustained... Sustainability. Anyway.
I
sustained... Sustainability. Anyway. I believe you. And the nominations
for
I believe you. And the nominations for Best comedy actress are...
I
I saw
I saw that, that's disgusting. Go on
then,
I saw that, that's disgusting. Go on then, lucky dip. Shame on you.
I
I want
I want you to know that I love you.
And
I want you to know that I love you. And however hard it might be, I want
you
And however hard it might be, I want you to be happy. Move on. Marry
another.
you to be happy. Move on. Marry another. I am of course already
married
another. I am of course already married to Mike. Good. You must.
another. I am of course already I married to Mike. Good. You must.
I am. What the hell were you thinking?
I
am. What the hell were you thinking? I don't know, I was high on
adrenaline
I don't know, I was high on adrenaline but what does it matter?
I
adrenaline but what does it matter? I would never going to win that
fight,
I would never going to win that fight, the man is the size of the
wardrobe.
fight, the man is the size of the wardrobe. Your English. About five
of
wardrobe. Your English. About five of you colonised after planet so we
thought
of you colonised after planet so we thought you might have something up
your
thought you might have something up your sleeve.
Everything bad that could have
happened
Everything bad that could have happened has happened.
Except
Except that. Are you kidding me? You
know
Except that. Are you kidding me? You know you're wrong so why can't you
accept
know you're wrong so why can't you accept it? Because your fucking gas
lighting
accept it? Because your fucking gas lighting me. So you do know big
words.
lighting me. So you do know big words. What is that supposed to
mean?
words. What is that supposed to mean? Miriam... The spelling every
time
mean? Miriam... The spelling every time you have it set up finding an
honourable
time you have it set up finding an honourable way to use it. Are you
playing
honourable way to use it. Are you playing the next one? Obviously.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And
And the
And the winner is... Saoirse-Monica
Jackson!
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Unfortunately
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Unfortunately she couldn't make it
tonight,
Unfortunately she couldn't make it tonight, she didn't get here, the
lazy
tonight, she didn't get here, the lazy cow. So we will take this and
make
lazy cow. So we will take this and make sure that she gets it. We will
take
make sure that she gets it. We will take very, very good care of this.
Is
take very, very good care of this. Is not as heavy as our Emmys.
Goodbye.
Is not as heavy as our Emmys. Goodbye. Two Emmys! There is a
message,
Goodbye. Two Emmys! There is a message, there is a message! We hope
the
message, there is a message! We hope the message. Thank you so much,
honestly,
the message. Thank you so much, honestly, it means the absolute
world
honestly, it means the absolute world to me. I love demigirl so much
pond
world to me. I love demigirl so much pond like the huge thank you to our
right
pond like the huge thank you to our right and amazing producers. I would
like
right and amazing producers. I would like to come everyone at Channel 4,
at Patrick, our amazing cast and
crew
at Patrick, our amazing cast and crew and most of all, thank you to
everybody
crew and most of all, thank you to everybody who voted for me
especially
everybody who voted for me especially my wonderful partner and
parents
especially my wonderful partner and parents who I know that an
astronomical
parents who I know that an astronomical campaign to get the
votes,
astronomical campaign to get the votes, thank you so much!
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much. Go and get more
drinks,
Thank you so much. Go and get more drinks, great, congratulations to
Saoirse
drinks, great, congratulations to Saoirse Monica Jackson. Now for the
first
Saoirse Monica Jackson. Now for the first of our special awards, the
Comedy
first of our special awards, the Comedy Game Changer. The recipient
tries
Comedy Game Changer. The recipient tries to engineer real world change
through
tries to engineer real world change through their comedy to make a
difference.
through their comedy to make a difference. It is a monumental award
so
difference. It is a monumental award so it was quite a struggle finding a
presenter
so it was quite a struggle finding a presenter with the necessary
prestige
presenter with the necessary prestige within the comedy community
so
prestige within the comedy community so we just didn't bother and we
booked
so we just didn't bother and we booked somebody from the art world
instead.
booked somebody from the art world instead. Please welcome their
wonderful
instead. Please welcome their wonderful Grayson Perry!
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now,
Now, I
Now, I have always thought the best
sort
Now, I have always thought the best sort of comedy, the kind that
actually
sort of comedy, the kind that actually has something to say. It is
easy
actually has something to say. It is easy enough to stand here and shout
fuck
easy enough to stand here and shout fuck the government! Actually, it is
not
fuck the government! Actually, it is not just easy, it is kind of fun,
too.
not just easy, it is kind of fun, too. But it is much, much harder to
highlight
too. But it is much, much harder to highlight the changes you want to
see
highlight the changes you want to see in the world, whilst making
people
see in the world, whilst making people really, properly laughed.
CHEERING
Yes,
CHEERING Yes, I get it, failed. Tonight's
recipient
Yes, I get it, failed. Tonight's recipient is a master of both,
managing
recipient is a master of both, managing to speak truth to power, in
an
managing to speak truth to power, in an often subversive but also
hilarious
an often subversive but also hilarious way. Let's have a look at
a view of the moments that made Joe
Lycett...
a view of the moments that made Joe Lycett... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This
Lycett... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This year's inaugural Comedy Game
Changer.
I
I have
I have been keeping myself busy,
busy
I have been keeping myself busy, busy pissing people off. Pride for
me
busy pissing people off. Pride for me is about being yourself whoever
that
me is about being yourself whoever that is and your sexuality and
gender
that is and your sexuality and gender has nothing to do with anyone
else.
gender has nothing to do with anyone else. I think there has been a bit
of
else. I think there has been a bit of criticism in the mail on Sunday
that
of criticism in the mail on Sunday that lefty liberal comedians on the
BBC,
that lefty liberal comedians on the BBC, I'm actually very right-wing
and
BBC, I'm actually very right-wing and I loved it. This is a message to
David
and I loved it. This is a message to David Beckham, if you end your
relationship
David Beckham, if you end your relationship with Qatar, I will
donate
relationship with Qatar, I will donate £10,000 of my own money, a
ground
donate £10,000 of my own money, a ground for every minute U are
reportedly
ground for every minute U are reportedly getting, to support
charities
reportedly getting, to support charities for queer People of above.
Liz
charities for queer People of above. Liz Truss will say that haters with
say Liz Truss is the backwash of the
available
say Liz Truss is the backwash of the available MPs. But if you don't, at
midday
available MPs. But if you don't, at midday next Sunday, I will throw
this
midday next Sunday, I will throw this money into a shredder. Hi, just
dropped
this money into a shredder. Hi, just dropped off a house plant to your
London
dropped off a house plant to your London HQ, is it true you are
exploring
London HQ, is it true you are exploring for new oil even though
the
exploring for new oil even though the IAEA say we don't need any more
oilfields?
the IAEA say we don't need any more oilfields? Zero as a hard, isn't it?
I've
oilfields? Zero as a hard, isn't it? I've really got the backlash. We
don't
I've really got the backlash. We don't need oil, ignorant lefty.
That's
don't need oil, ignorant lefty. That's me. I'm going to do something
now
That's me. I'm going to do something now that the British government
doesn't
now that the British government doesn't always do and welcome some
foreigners.
doesn't always do and welcome some foreigners. I'm changing my name
legally
foreigners. I'm changing my name legally to Hugo Boss. We are making
Channel
legally to Hugo Boss. We are making Channel for queer! He married a
Spice
Channel for queer! He married a Spice Girl which is the gayest thing
human
Spice Girl which is the gayest thing human being can do.
APPLAUSE
If
APPLAUSE If you have felt like you don't
belong,
If you have felt like you don't belong, you are too odd for your
sexual
belong, you are too odd for your sexual case are too strange, please
know
sexual case are too strange, please know that there is a place for you
and
know that there is a place for you and it is here at Pride, you belong
here because everyone belongs here,
even
here because everyone belongs here, even bastards. Money has got a job
to
even bastards. Money has got a job to do. -- mummy has got. CHEERING
AND
to do. -- mummy has got. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And
AND APPLAUSE And Joe Lycett is an artist, a merry
prankster,
And Joe Lycett is an artist, a merry prankster, a disrupter, a worthy
trial,
prankster, a disrupter, a worthy trial, a revolutionary, a
pornographic
trial, a revolutionary, a pornographic gardener, and a man
whose
pornographic gardener, and a man whose work has marinades hit... Is
marinated
whose work has marinades hit... Is marinated in a heartfelt desire for
a quality, whatever that is, and
true
a quality, whatever that is, and true generosity of spirit -- for
inequality.
true generosity of spirit -- for inequality. Whether he is changing
his
inequality. Whether he is changing his name to Hugo Boss, claiming to
shred
his name to Hugo Boss, claiming to shred 10,000 quid. -- for
inequality,
shred 10,000 quid. -- for inequality, to raise awareness of
LGBTQ+
inequality, to raise awareness of LGBTQ+ or faking a version of the
report,
LGBTQ+ or faking a version of the report, he is always unpredictable,
always remarkable. He's a really
nice
always remarkable. He's a really nice bloke as well. Always
brilliantly
nice bloke as well. Always brilliantly funny. So please join me
in
brilliantly funny. So please join me in congratulating this year's
recipient
in congratulating this year's recipient of the Comedy Game Changer
award,
recipient of the Comedy Game Changer award, the darling of the
Conservative
award, the darling of the Conservative Party, Joe Lycett!
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wonderful,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wonderful, wonderful. Sorry, I am
doctor's
Wonderful, wonderful. Sorry, I am doctor's to sit down, fucking hell.
I
doctor's to sit down, fucking hell. I didn't realise you were doing a
speech.
I didn't realise you were doing a speech. It is very nice to watch the
obituary
speech. It is very nice to watch the obituary package. I have written
some
obituary package. I have written some names of people I should thank,
oh,
some names of people I should thank, oh, shit, I am on WhatsApp to Self
Esteem.
oh, shit, I am on WhatsApp to Self Esteem. Liz Truss! Couldn't do it
without
Esteem. Liz Truss! Couldn't do it without you, girl. Hugo Boss, I'd
like
without you, girl. Hugo Boss, I'd like to thank Hugo Boss. For
designing
like to thank Hugo Boss. For designing those lovely Nazi
uniforms.
designing those lovely Nazi uniforms. And then to the company
Hugo
uniforms. And then to the company Hugo Boss for their unending
appetite
Hugo Boss for their unending appetite to protect their
intellectual
appetite to protect their intellectual copyright. Someone on
Twitter
intellectual copyright. Someone on Twitter with a football team logo as
their
Twitter with a football team logo as their profile picture for keeping me
grounded.
their profile picture for keeping me grounded. To Nadine Dorries!
CHEERING
For
CHEERING For everything she has done for
culture.
For everything she has done for culture. To the BBC chairman Richard
Sharp,
culture. To the BBC chairman Richard Sharp, for that loan you gave me,
thank
Sharp, for that loan you gave me, thank you, Richard, I was struggling
when
thank you, Richard, I was struggling when I started out and he kept me
afloat.
when I started out and he kept me afloat. I would like to dedicate
this
afloat. I would like to dedicate this award to the Channel for
lawyers
this award to the Channel for lawyers who have protected me
throughout...
lawyers who have protected me throughout... CHEERING
Throughout
throughout... CHEERING Throughout my career, from myself,
and
Throughout my career, from myself, and with that in mind I would like
to
and with that in mind I would like to say, Richard Sharp should stand
down
to say, Richard Sharp should stand down as the BBC chairman and that is
not
down as the BBC chairman and that is not my opinion but the opinion of
Chalifour
not my opinion but the opinion of Chalifour television! Thank you so
much.
Chalifour television! Thank you so much. Duff of Channel 4 television.
--
-- Channel 4 television. Joe Lycett,
everyone!
-- Channel 4 television. Joe Lycett, everyone! Join us after the break
for
everyone! Join us after the break for more tears, tantrums and violent
hissy
for more tears, tantrums and violent hissy fits and that is just few
Dennis,
hissy fits and that is just few Dennis, and don't forget to keep
voting
Dennis, and don't forget to keep voting for your favourite stand-up
show.
voting for your favourite stand-up show. Every vote counts, right? I
wonder
show. Every vote counts, right? I wonder what Lloyd Griffiths has to
say.
wonder what Lloyd Griffiths has to say. Hello, my name is Lloyd
Griffiths.
say. Hello, my name is Lloyd Griffiths. You will have to google
me.
Griffiths. You will have to google me. As you can tell from the size of
my
me. As you can tell from the size of my T-shirt, I am a last-minute stand
in
my T-shirt, I am a last-minute stand in for somebody who dropped out.
However,
in for somebody who dropped out. However, I love standing up to
countso,
However, I love standing up to countso, and if you do, too, like
the
countso, and if you do, too, like the person that dropped out, you can
help...
Can
Can I
Can I breathe out yet? Yes.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to the National Comedy
Awards,
Welcome back to the National Comedy Awards, all in aid of Stand Up To
Cancer.
Awards, all in aid of Stand Up To Cancer. I am sat with all these
people,
Cancer. I am sat with all these people, it is very crowded and I and
herewith
people, it is very crowded and I and herewith some of our nominees. Sam
Campbell,
herewith some of our nominees. Sam Campbell, hi, Sam! Tim Key is here.
Hello.
Campbell, hi, Sam! Tim Key is here. Hello. Hello, Tim. No, no, don't
touch.
Hello. Hello, Tim. No, no, don't touch. I'm also here... No, stop it,
what
touch. I'm also here... No, stop it, what did we say? Just hello. I was
dreading
what did we say? Just hello. I was dreading a protest. Also I am joined
by
dreading a protest. Also I am joined by Amy Gledhill. Hello! Hello.
Lovely
by Amy Gledhill. Hello! Hello. Lovely to have you here, how are you
feeling?
Lovely to have you here, how are you feeling? I'm very excited, I feel
like
feeling? I'm very excited, I feel like a bull's-eye contestant who
should
like a bull's-eye contestant who should not be here, but I'm just
having
should not be here, but I'm just having a lovely day. You won't win a
speedboat,
having a lovely day. You won't win a speedboat, though, you know that?
What?
speedboat, though, you know that? What? I'm out. What a shame! To all
of
What? I'm out. What a shame! To all of you watching at home, the
decision
of you watching at home, the decision is in your hands, please
keep
decision is in your hands, please keep voting on Twitter, you know
that
keep voting on Twitter, you know that thing, you know what I said
about
that thing, you know what I said about and then you can vote for
whoever
about and then you can vote for whoever you think has got the best
show,
whoever you think has got the best show, it will be lovely. We are
going
show, it will be lovely. We are going to dive straight into the next
award
going to dive straight into the next award which is best comedy
entertainment
award which is best comedy entertainment show. Don't look at me
like
entertainment show. Don't look at me like that, Bob. To present it are
two
like that, Bob. To present it are two of our breakthrough stars, Susan
Wokoma
two of our breakthrough stars, Susan Wokoma and Lenny Rush.
Wow.
Wow. Wow.
Wow. Wow. Hello! It has been a dream
of
Wow. Wow. Hello! It has been a dream of mine to present a National Comedy
Award
of mine to present a National Comedy Award for most of my life. Yeah,
yeah,
Award for most of my life. Yeah, yeah, they have only been going for
two
yeah, they have only been going for two years, though, Lenny. Um... All
right!
two years, though, Lenny. Um... All right! LAUGHTER
Still
right! LAUGHTER Still quite a long time, a bit of my
life,
Still quite a long time, a bit of my life, proportionally, a sixth. All
right,
life, proportionally, a sixth. All right, the nominees for Best comedy
entertainment
right, the nominees for Best comedy entertainment show are...
My
My best
My best friend died a few years ago
and
My best friend died a few years ago and my mum was meant to scatter the
ashes
and my mum was meant to scatter the ashes but he hasn't got round to it.
--
ashes but he hasn't got round to it. -- her best friend died. Did you not
know?
-- her best friend died. Did you not know? I don't think that nano new!
--
know? I don't think that nano new! -- that in any new! Come on.
Why
Why are
Why are you laughing? Definition,
there?
Why are you laughing? Definition, there? No, there is no definition
there.
there? No, there is no definition there. There, just about there? Do
you
there. There, just about there? Do you play a lot of bingo? I sort of
can't
you play a lot of bingo? I sort of can't imagine you are not good at
anything
can't imagine you are not good at anything but apparently singing, you
are
anything but apparently singing, you are not keen. I am not good at
anything.
are not keen. I am not good at anything. No, I am saying you are
good
anything. No, I am saying you are good at everything. That is not the
way
good at everything. That is not the way you said it! Which aircraft...
Crashes
way you said it! Which aircraft... Crashes more... LAUGHTER
John,
John, would you like to finish off
the
John, would you like to finish off the question? It's easy. Into
mountains?
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the winner of Best Comedy
Entertainment
And the winner of Best Comedy Entertainment Show is... Taskmaster!
Thank
Thank you
Thank you very much, Tom. I should
probably
Thank you very much, Tom. I should probably talk about the elephant
that
probably talk about the elephant that isn't in the room. Greg Davis
couldn't
that isn't in the room. Greg Davis couldn't make it tonight. Sorry to
him
couldn't make it tonight. Sorry to him for not being here but people
think
him for not being here but people think he doesn't do anything except
swan
think he doesn't do anything except swan in and take the glory and
that's
swan in and take the glory and that's not fair because he does swan
in
that's not fair because he does swan in and that he is so beautiful and
he does so much work beneath the
surface,
he does so much work beneath the surface, he's so funny and handsome
for
surface, he's so funny and handsome for a man in his meet to late 60s.
This
for a man in his meet to late 60s. This is for Greg Hunt at thank you
all
This is for Greg Hunt at thank you all the show and also Richard... Who
is
all the show and also Richard... Who is the guy who does crap! Pointless?
Richard
is the guy who does crap! Pointless? Richard Osmond! Genuinely couldn't
remember
Richard Osmond! Genuinely couldn't remember his name. Thank you to all
the
remember his name. Thank you to all the comedians who have not been on
the show, you will be soon, that's
how
the show, you will be soon, that's how it works. Thank you to Avalon to
make
how it works. Thank you to Avalon to make the show and who are also my
managers
make the show and who are also my managers and that's fine. And thank
you
managers and that's fine. And thank you to Dave for having faith in us
at
you to Dave for having faith in us at the beginning and take a risk and
to
at the beginning and take a risk and to Channel 4 equally. Thank you to
all
to Channel 4 equally. Thank you to all the people who make the show,
none
all the people who make the show, none of whom are standing behind me,
that
none of whom are standing behind me, that is a combination of models,
ascot
that is a combination of models, ascot and mail... Is a big team who
make
ascot and mail... Is a big team who make the show. Some of whom are here
but
make the show. Some of whom are here but all the people who make it,
thank
but all the people who make it, thank you to the people who voted to
Greg,
thank you to the people who voted to Greg, I want to say I'm never said
this
Greg, I want to say I'm never said this your face, I don't know where
the
this your face, I don't know where the but thank you, Greg and Hay,
boy...
the but thank you, Greg and Hay, boy... Sitting in a tree... Mummy
always
boy... Sitting in a tree... Mummy always wants you to come to tea.
Don't
always wants you to come to tea. Don't be shy, take off that tie. And
get
Don't be shy, take off that tie. And get down from that tree house
sitting
get down from that tree house sitting in the sky. I want to know
just
sitting in the sky. I want to know just want to do, is a very big? Is
there
just want to do, is a very big? Is there room for two? I got a house
with
there room for two? I got a house with windows and doors, I will show
you
with windows and doors, I will show you mine if you show me yours! Let
the
you mine if you show me yours! Let the fun begin! You've got to let me
in,
the fun begin! You've got to let me in, and above today, thank you very
goodbye.
in, and above today, thank you very goodbye. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's
goodbye. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's yours, take it! Well done!
Congratulations,
It's yours, take it! Well done! Congratulations, Taskmaster! As we
know,
Congratulations, Taskmaster! As we know, not only tonight a celebration
of
know, not only tonight a celebration of British comedy but it's also in
aid
of British comedy but it's also in aid of Stand Up To Cancer and one of
the
aid of Stand Up To Cancer and one of the worst things about cancer is,
like
the worst things about cancer is, like people who regulate watch, I
don't
like people who regulate watch, I don't know, the One Show it's
absolutely
don't know, the One Show it's absolutely under scrim and dating.
Literally
absolutely under scrim and dating. Literally anybody could wake up
tomorrow,
Literally anybody could wake up tomorrow, no, they are very nice.
Anyone
tomorrow, no, they are very nice. Anyone could wake up tomorrow and
find
Anyone could wake up tomorrow and find they are living with the
disease
find they are living with the disease and last year the comedy
world
disease and last year the comedy world was saddened to hear that one
of
world was saddened to hear that one of our very own, the want of Welsh
comedian
of our very own, the want of Welsh comedian Rod Gilbert, was fighting
cancer.
comedian Rod Gilbert, was fighting cancer. He is to tell us about his
experience.
cancer. He is to tell us about his experience. -- Rhod. About ten years
ago,
experience. -- Rhod. About ten years ago, a little cancer centre in
Cardiff
ago, a little cancer centre in Cardiff approached me and said, you
want
Cardiff approached me and said, you want to be a patron, an ambassador?
I
want to be a patron, an ambassador? I said yes and I've been involved
with
I said yes and I've been involved with them ever since. I have led,
albeit
with them ever since. I have led, albeit from the back five
fundraising
albeit from the back five fundraising tracks all over the
world,
fundraising tracks all over the world, I do stand up comedy nights
to
world, I do stand up comedy nights to raise money I have hosted
quizzes,
to raise money I have hosted quizzes, they've been a big part of
my
quizzes, they've been a big part of my life for the last ten years so
imagine
my life for the last ten years so imagine my surprise when I was
diagnosed
imagine my surprise when I was diagnosed with cancer, which pissed
me
diagnosed with cancer, which pissed me off no end because I thought I'd
have
me off no end because I thought I'd have lifelong immunity but
apparently
have lifelong immunity but apparently not. Apparently your just
as
apparently not. Apparently your just as likely to get cancer even if you
spend
as likely to get cancer even if you spend your time fundraising for a
cancer
spend your time fundraising for a cancer hospital. Anyway, I did get
it
cancer hospital. Anyway, I did get it and it turns out it can come for
anybody
it and it turns out it can come for anybody at any time. The other irony
is
anybody at any time. The other irony is that I was in Cuba on a
fundraising
is that I was in Cuba on a fundraising trek for this cancer
centre
fundraising trek for this cancer centre when the first bloody lump
popped
centre when the first bloody lump popped up in my neck. I literally
left
popped up in my neck. I literally left as a patron and came back as a
patient.
left as a patron and came back as a patient. I had been struggling for a
while
patient. I had been struggling for a while anyway with pain in my neck
and
while anyway with pain in my neck and I had a sore throat and I
couldn't
and I had a sore throat and I couldn't speak and I couldn't grieve
I was postponing and cancelling tour
shows
I was postponing and cancelling tour shows I had terrible spasms in my
face
shows I had terrible spasms in my face -- I could not grieve. A lot of
tightness
face -- I could not grieve. A lot of tightness in the muscles, couldn't
get
tightness in the muscles, couldn't get to the bottom of it. It turns
out
get to the bottom of it. It turns out after a biopsy of the lump in my
neck
out after a biopsy of the lump in my neck I have something called head
and
neck I have something called head and neck cancer, cancer of the head
which
and neck cancer, cancer of the head which sounds pretty serious. Before
I
which sounds pretty serious. Before I knew it, I was having surgery. I
was into daily sessions with
radiotherapy,
was into daily sessions with radiotherapy, chemotherapy and
that's
radiotherapy, chemotherapy and that's another thing I had to have
chemotherapy
that's another thing I had to have chemotherapy sessions in a room with
pictures
chemotherapy sessions in a room with pictures of me on the way in!
Grinning
pictures of me on the way in! Grinning down at myself as a patron
on
Grinning down at myself as a patron on the walls going, come on, you can
do
on the walls going, come on, you can do it! Which was a bit odd.
But
But my
But my care has been faultless and
white
But my care has been faultless and white facial hair is coming back
from
white facial hair is coming back from my voice is back to normal, my
weight
from my voice is back to normal, my weight is starting to come back and
my
weight is starting to come back and my saliva glands are starting to
come
my saliva glands are starting to come back and basically I'm coming
back pulled my physical recovery
goal
back pulled my physical recovery goal is to lead the next fundraising
trek,
goal is to lead the next fundraising trek, to Morocco, to the highest
point
trek, to Morocco, to the highest point in North Africa in the Atlas
Mountains.
point in North Africa in the Atlas Mountains. That is my goal. I'm a
little
Mountains. That is my goal. I'm a little way off the moment but I'm
feeling
little way off the moment but I'm feeling optimistic. And weirdly, I'm
feeling really happy and really
positive.
feeling really happy and really positive. Some would say that makes
a
positive. Some would say that makes a change, I'm sure. I'm sure some
people
a change, I'm sure. I'm sure some people would say is the first time
for
people would say is the first time for everything! I'm not exactly
known
for everything! I'm not exactly known for it! But there we are.
The
The fact
The fact is, one in two of us is
going
The fact is, one in two of us is going to get cancer. Right now,
scientists
going to get cancer. Right now, scientists are working their butts
off
scientists are working their butts off to try to nail new life-saving
treatments
off to try to nail new life-saving treatments like the ones I've had.
So
treatments like the ones I've had. So if you can spare a few quid,
please
So if you can spare a few quid, please help cancer patients and
their
please help cancer patients and their families.
Thank
Thank you.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The wonderful Rhod Gilbert and if
you
The wonderful Rhod Gilbert and if you can give anything tonight, we
would
you can give anything tonight, we would be very grateful. The next
award
would be very grateful. The next award a big one from Outstanding
Comedy
award a big one from Outstanding Comedy Actor and to present it the
start
Comedy Actor and to present it the start of the small screen, Katherine
Ryan,
start of the small screen, Katherine Ryan, and a star of the even smaller
screen,
Ryan, and a star of the even smaller screen, Munya Chawawa!
APPLAUSE
Hello,
Hello, what a pleasure this is to
give
Hello, what a pleasure this is to give this award and before we start,
can
give this award and before we start, can I say, you were brilliant on the
masked
can I say, you were brilliant on the masked singer. Thank you, for
someone
masked singer. Thank you, for someone who loves singing but also
wanted
someone who loves singing but also wanted to buy my agent about it was
a
wanted to buy my agent about it was a dream come true for me. And I love
you
a dream come true for me. And I love you and Taskmaster point to how was
Greg?
you and Taskmaster point to how was Greg? He was good. Someone with an
African
Greg? He was good. Someone with an African father and I'm pretty used
to
African father and I'm pretty used to seeking approval from Pullman who
surely
to seeking approval from Pullman who surely know love and affection --
tall
surely know love and affection -- tall men. No one can resist that
kind
tall men. No one can resist that kind of man. The nominees for Best
comedy
kind of man. The nominees for Best comedy actor are...
Believe
Believe it or not, I'm not as in
demand
Believe it or not, I'm not as in demand as you might think. You are a
fine
demand as you might think. You are a fine catch. Hug? Get away from me,
you
fine catch. Hug? Get away from me, you sweaty mollusc. You said I was a
fine
you sweaty mollusc. You said I was a fine catch.
you sweaty mollusc. You said I was aI fine catch.
you sweaty mollusc. You said I was a fine catch. I made it one of those
deep
fine catch. I made it one of those deep sea fishing shows when they
pull
deep sea fishing shows when they pull something out from the bottom
and
pull something out from the bottom and I thought it was extinct, they
don't
and I thought it was extinct, they don't know what it is, it's just a
blob,
don't know what it is, it's just a blob, could be a fish or a slug. To
normal
blob, could be a fish or a slug. To normal then.
Who
Who are
Who are you dealing for? No comment. Who is running it?
Who are you dealing for? No comment.No Who is running it?
Who are you dealing for? No comment. Who is running it? No comment. Was
in
Who is running it? No comment. Was in charge of Rock Hill?
Who is running it? No comment. Was No in charge of Rock Hill?
Who is running it? No comment. Was No comment. in charge of Rock Hill?
No comment. Pig. I didn't tell them to say pig
point
Pig. I didn't tell them to say pig point I have total respect for the
police.
point I have total respect for the police. Not the racist once. The
current
police. Not the racist once. The current ones. The ones that beat
confessions
current ones. The ones that beat confessions but you seem nice.
Why
Why is
Why is that...
Mike?
Mike? I
Mike? I really do miss him, mum. Two
years
Mike? I really do miss him, mum. Two years tomorrow.
Mike? I really do miss him, mum. TwoI years tomorrow.
Mike? I really do miss him, mum. Two years tomorrow. I try not to cry
aloud,
years tomorrow. I try not to cry aloud, not because I want to be
match,
aloud, not because I want to be match, just because my cry towns
like
match, just because my cry towns like Jimmy Carr's laughed.
Even
Even if
Even if I
Even if I wanted to shag you, my
todger
Even if I wanted to shag you, my todger doesn't really work. What if
I
todger doesn't really work. What if I showed you my boob together?
Single,
I showed you my boob together? Single, individual question it's
amazing,
Single, individual question it's amazing, I want to prove? Want to
finger
amazing, I want to prove? Want to finger me? No!
And
And the
And the winner of Outstanding Comedy
Actor
And the winner of Outstanding Comedy Actor is... Ricky Gervais is!
CHEERING
Actor is... Ricky Gervais is! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Unfortunately,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Unfortunately, Ricky cannot be here
to
Unfortunately, Ricky cannot be here to give a speech so here's one he
made
to give a speech so here's one he made earlier. Outstanding Comedy
Actor,
made earlier. Outstanding Comedy Actor, outstanding, not my words.
Thanks
Actor, outstanding, not my words. Thanks for this. So he can't view
her
Thanks for this. So he can't view her in person to collect it but I'm
sat
her in person to collect it but I'm sat down now so, tricky.
That
That want
That want to thank am I wrote it,
didn't
That want to thank am I wrote it, didn't even change my hair. But
thank
didn't even change my hair. But thank you to Netflix the brilliant
cast
thank you to Netflix the brilliant cast and crew, next to Channel 4,
where
cast and crew, next to Channel 4, where it all started for me. Most of
all thanks to the viewing public who
voted
all thanks to the viewing public who voted for this pond best fans in the
world,
voted for this pond best fans in the world, you're the reason I do it.
Well,
world, you're the reason I do it. Well, the money. And it annoys
people,
Well, the money. And it annoys people, winning awards. This must be
particularly
people, winning awards. This must be particularly annoying for the other
nominees
particularly annoying for the other nominees because they were doing
their
nominees because they were doing their best comedy acting, weren't
they?
their best comedy acting, weren't they? I was playing a man who is
suicidal,
they? I was playing a man who is suicidal, depressed, abusive, often
crying.
suicidal, depressed, abusive, often crying. So even when I'm not being
funny,
crying. So even when I'm not being funny, I'm still the funniest! Is
that
funny, I'm still the funniest! Is that annoying enough? Cheers. Have a
great
that annoying enough? Cheers. Have a great night.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Impossible
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Impossible not to be moved by his
enthusiasm.
Impossible not to be moved by his enthusiasm. Have a great night,
everyone.
enthusiasm. Have a great night, everyone. Congratulations to Ricky.
After
everyone. Congratulations to Ricky. After all that, we need a break, I
think.
After all that, we need a break, I think. See you in a bit, yeah, see
you.
think. See you in a bit, yeah, see you. I'm Bono and I hate cancer. I'm
not
you. I'm Bono and I hate cancer. I'm not actually Bono I can see what you
be
not actually Bono I can see what you be tricked because we have the same
colour
be tricked because we have the same colour hair. But I do hate cancer,
it
colour hair. But I do hate cancer, it has harmed or taken many of my
loved
it has harmed or taken many of my loved ones, friends, made my mother
very
loved ones, friends, made my mother very sick so I'm angry about it and
if
very sick so I'm angry about it and if you're angry about it as well
please
if you're angry about it as well please consider donating to Stand Up
To
please consider donating to Stand Up To Cancer.
Thank
Thank you
Thank you so much
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, yes, well come back to the
National
Oh, yes, well come back to the National Comedy Awards for Stand Up
To
National Comedy Awards for Stand Up To Cancer live on Channel 4 and here
I
To Cancer live on Channel 4 and here I am with our second comedy
breakthrough
I am with our second comedy breakthrough star of the night, the
brilliant
breakthrough star of the night, the brilliant Susan Wokoma from chewing
gum,
brilliant Susan Wokoma from chewing gum, crazy heads, cheetahs and many
more
gum, crazy heads, cheetahs and many more shows, congratulations, we have
known
more shows, congratulations, we have known each other for a long time. A
very
known each other for a long time. A very long time, I was a member of
the
very long time, I was a member of the National youth Theatre as a
teenager
the National youth Theatre as a teenager and you used to stop me
doing
teenager and you used to stop me doing bad things. I was in charge,
well,
doing bad things. I was in charge, well, I wasn't, I was terrible, I
worked
well, I wasn't, I was terrible, I worked in the office, I was awful.
But
worked in the office, I was awful. But it's not about me, let's look at
your
But it's not about me, let's look at your work.
I
I can't
I can't believe this. I mean, do you
even
I can't believe this. I mean, do you even have a wedding ring? It was on
my
even have a wedding ring? It was on my finger which was literally around
your
my finger which was literally around your cock, how did you not notice?
Look,
your cock, how did you not notice? Look, I am sorry for attempting your
way
Look, I am sorry for attempting your way from your private relationship.
That
way from your private relationship. That is not what I'm saying. Just
stop
That is not what I'm saying. Just stop talking! I need to find out
what
stop talking! I need to find out what ever your event is in finish.
Go
what ever your event is in finish. Go on, check in and fuck. Susan,
lovely
Go on, check in and fuck. Susan, lovely coat in that scene as well.
It's
lovely coat in that scene as well. It's a gorgeous coat, it is
reversible!
It's a gorgeous coat, it is reversible! I love a coat like that.
You
reversible! I love a coat like that. You have won a BAFTA and been in the
Forbes
You have won a BAFTA and been in the Forbes 30 under 30, so how does of
winning
Forbes 30 under 30, so how does of winning one of these compare? Better
because
winning one of these compare? Better because with Forbes, you don't win
money.
because with Forbes, you don't win money. Oh, really, I thought it was
about
money. Oh, really, I thought it was about rich people? Know, it's not,
so
about rich people? Know, it's not, so when I have been on dates, they
have googled me and thought I am
rich
have googled me and thought I am rich so at least when they see this,
they know I'm funny. You are good at
what
they know I'm funny. You are good at what you do, that is much more
important,
what you do, that is much more important, I think and I hear you
are
important, I think and I hear you are doing your first feature film
Sim.
are doing your first feature film Sim. I am. It is a ROM, about an
abortion.
Sim. I am. It is a ROM, about an abortion. Do you need someone to
play
abortion. Do you need someone to play the foetus? Could you do it?
You'd
play the foetus? Could you do it? You'd be really good. Send me a
script.
You'd be really good. Send me a script. It is going very well for
me!
script. It is going very well for me! All good things must come to an
end.
me! All good things must come to an end. I'm not talking about the show,
don't
end. I'm not talking about the show, don't worry, we've still got ages of
that
don't worry, we've still got ages of that left but voting has now closed
for
that left but voting has now closed for the best stand-up award and I
can
for the best stand-up award and I can exclusively reveal that the
winner
can exclusively reveal that the winner is... Going to be announced
later
winner is... Going to be announced later in the show! CHEERING AND
APPLAUSE
The
APPLAUSE The next award is for Best Comedy
Panel
The next award is for Best Comedy Panel Show. Oh, panelling, I love
it,
Panel Show. Oh, panelling, I love it, it is great if you put lamps
behind
it, it is great if you put lamps behind it, it is lovely, people
don't
behind it, it is lovely, people don't know where the wires are.
Presenting
don't know where the wires are. Presenting the award are two people
who
Presenting the award are two people who have been coasting me for weeks
but
who have been coasting me for weeks but there's no avoiding me now, from
the
but there's no avoiding me now, from the show Ghosts, Matthew Baynton and
Jim
the show Ghosts, Matthew Baynton and Jim Howitt!
--
-- Jim
-- Jim Hawick. Hello. Hello,
everyone.
-- Jim Hawick. Hello. Hello, everyone. We are thrilled to be here
to present the award for Best panel
show.
to present the award for Best panel show. Yes, I love a panel show, me.
I think if anything, there aren't
enough
I think if anything, there aren't enough of them. It is not like
scripted
enough of them. It is not like scripted comedy is it, not like what
we
scripted comedy is it, not like what we do. No, no. You know, their craft
and
we do. No, no. You know, their craft and the writing and... Yeah, anyone
can
and the writing and... Yeah, anyone can do a panel show, you just have
to
can do a panel show, you just have to show up and say something funny.
Exactly.
to show up and say something funny. Exactly. Like, um... We... Width...
It
Exactly. Like, um... We... Width... It is really hard, isn't it? It is
really hard, really, really hard.
Whoever
really hard, really, really hard. Whoever wins this really deserves
it.
Whoever wins this really deserves it. The nominees are...
This
This was
This was my first proper tele- job
that
This was my first proper tele- job that I got, my first proper bit of
telly
that I got, my first proper bit of telly and considering the evolution
of
telly and considering the evolution of telly for women my age, the way
it
of telly for women my age, the way it goes after this it will be loose
women,
it goes after this it will be loose women, rip-off Britain, death, so
this
women, rip-off Britain, death, so this has been... This has been the
pinnacle.
this has been... This has been the pinnacle. Let me just say, it
doesn't
pinnacle. Let me just say, it doesn't have to be a lie. Whatever
he
doesn't have to be a lie. Whatever he says, however absurd, it goods to
feel
he says, however absurd, it goods to feel true. However plausible, it
could
feel true. However plausible, it could still be a lie. Essentially,
what
could still be a lie. Essentially, what we are doing for this section
is
what we are doing for this section is entirely futile. He will talk for
a
is entirely futile. He will talk for a bit, then we will guess, and then
it
a bit, then we will guess, and then it will be over. The other way you
could
it will be over. The other way you could cheat is if you dust your
title
could cheat is if you dust your title with the insecticide DDT...
Oh,
title with the insecticide DDT... Oh, no! It sends the titles into a
biting
Oh, no! It sends the titles into a biting frenzy that they fight
like...
biting frenzy that they fight like... That is my impression of
total
like... That is my impression of total racing. I have got a beautiful
voice.
total racing. I have got a beautifulI voice.
total racing. I have got a beautiful voice. I don't believe you have. Oh,
no
voice. I don't believe you have. Oh, no way. Why aren't you saying that
microwave
no way. Why aren't you saying that microwave saying that?
#
microwave saying that? # Where it began... Oh, you sing
like
# Where it began... Oh, you sing like a wanker! It came in so fast,
like you have been waiting all
night.
#
night. # And I can sing... Do another,
right?
# And I can sing... Do another, right? I'm trying to think of a song
I
right? I'm trying to think of a song I know. Do Moon River, you toss! --
you toss.
And
And the
And the winner is... 8 Out of 10
Cats
And the winner is... 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. CHEERING AND
APPLAUSE
Hello,
Hello, there. Um, thank you for
this.
Hello, there. Um, thank you for this. It is lovely to be at an
awards
this. It is lovely to be at an awards do where there is a game
changer
awards do where there is a game changer award when you are known for
a
changer award when you are known for a game that has not changed since
1982.
a game that has not changed since 1982. So much fucking we on the
floor
1982. So much fucking we on the floor of the gents so if we could
just...
floor of the gents so if we could just... It is a basic courtesy, I
bought
just... It is a basic courtesy, I bought a fucking bowtie and people
are
bought a fucking bowtie and people are here in jumpers, I don't
understand
are here in jumpers, I don't understand what comedy is any more.
If
understand what comedy is any more. If you want to know how integral I
am
If you want to know how integral I am to the show, I am not even in the
fucking
am to the show, I am not even in the fucking clip they showed of the
show.
fucking clip they showed of the show. So really, it is an honour to
work
show. So really, it is an honour to work on the show because of
everybody
work on the show because of everybody here. I met an amazing
girl
everybody here. I met an amazing girl this week called Darcy and her
parents
girl this week called Darcy and her parents said they had had a
difficult
parents said they had had a difficult time when she was born and
cats
difficult time when she was born and cats was one of their shows they
could
cats was one of their shows they could watch because it was always
funny
could watch because it was always funny and that is because of
everyone
funny and that is because of everyone here, so sketch comics,
character
everyone here, so sketch comics, character comics, emerging talent,
it
character comics, emerging talent, it is all because of the production
team
it is all because of the production team and the Art department, Rosie
and Sam and everybody who builds
every
and Sam and everybody who builds every shit gag you come up with a
Tuesday
every shit gag you come up with a Tuesday afternoon and they have to
build
Tuesday afternoon and they have to build a corn on the cob that looks
like
build a corn on the cob that looks like a deal though and it takes them
a week and then it does not get a
laugh
a week and then it does not get a laugh and that is our fault. The
wardrobe
laugh and that is our fault. The wardrobe department and Macia and
Phil
wardrobe department and Macia and Phil and then ran at Channel 4 who
have
Phil and then ran at Channel 4 who have backed us from the outset. Have
I
have backed us from the outset. Have I missed anyone? Falvio, of course
because
I missed anyone? Falvio, of course because wayward progressive comedy
be
because wayward progressive comedy be without a in his underpants? --
where
be without a in his underpants? -- where would progressive comedy.
Thank
where would progressive comedy. Thank you so much of this award is
for
Thank you so much of this award is for Richard and the team, I have
nothing
for Richard and the team, I have nothing to do with the show. Thank
you
nothing to do with the show. Thank you so much. Thanks, everyone, see
you later.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done, everyone, well done, well
done
Well done, everyone, well done, well done 8 Out of 10 Cats Does
Countdown.
done 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. Our second special award
of
Countdown. Our second special award of the night, chosen by the NCA, the
National
of the night, chosen by the NCA, the National Comedy Awards, not
something
National Comedy Awards, not something to do with the car park,
the judges called this award the
Impact
the judges called this award the Impact In Comedy Award. To prevent
it,
Impact In Comedy Award. To prevent it, a wonderful man by the name of
Eddie
it, a wonderful man by the name of Eddie Kadi.
First,
First, before I start, let me say
hello
First, before I start, let me say hello to the most important people
in
hello to the most important people in the building, the audience up
there,
in the building, the audience up there, how are you guys feeling?
CHEERING
Fantastic.
CHEERING Fantastic. All right, I'm a bit
nervous
Fantastic. All right, I'm a bit nervous because my African father
said,
nervous because my African father said, Eddie, when you go on Channel
4,
said, Eddie, when you go on Channel 4, don't embarrass us, you speak
English
4, don't embarrass us, you speak English well, so let me start by
saying,
English well, so let me start by saying, I am flabbergasted by being
in
saying, I am flabbergasted by being in tantalising community. Let me do
what
in tantalising community. Let me do what I came here to do! In 2010, I
embarked
what I came here to do! In 2010, I embarked on the biggest moment of my
career,
embarked on the biggest moment of my career, headlining at the O2 Arena.
No
career, headlining at the O2 Arena. No need, guys, you are far too kind.
I
No need, guys, you are far too kind. I remember being interviewed on
National
I remember being interviewed on National telogen and the reporter
said,
National telogen and the reporter said, you must have some gumption to
be
said, you must have some gumption to be doing this arena. It was in that
moment
be doing this arena. It was in that moment that I realised how much of a
shock
moment that I realised how much of a shock it was to the wider mainstream
media
shock it was to the wider mainstream media landscape that someone like
me,
media landscape that someone like me, from a scene that is highly
celebrated
me, from a scene that is highly celebrated within his divinity, to
attempt
celebrated within his divinity, to attempt to reach greater heights.
There
attempt to reach greater heights. There really was a ceiling to my
heroes,
There really was a ceiling to my heroes, incredible comic artist like
Angie
heroes, incredible comic artist like Angie Malone Ma, slim, genius year.
--
Angie Malone Ma, slim, genius year. -- Gina Yashere, Mr C and the late
great
-- Gina Yashere, Mr C and the late great Flicks tester. The list is
endless,
great Flicks tester. The list is endless, we played Hackney Empire,
Kappa
endless, we played Hackney Empire, Kappa Broadway and the drum in
Birmingham,
Kappa Broadway and the drum in Birmingham, you use to get in for
free
Birmingham, you use to get in for free at the drum in Birmingham, look
at you, cheap. But things are
changing,
at you, cheap. But things are changing, not since the real McCoy
over
changing, not since the real McCoy over 30 years ago and Richard
Blackwood
over 30 years ago and Richard Blackwood have we seen a surge of
great
Blackwood have we seen a surge of great black British comedy talent
that
great black British comedy talent that we have now. People say that a
certain
that we have now. People say that a certain young man from South London,
Mr
certain young man from South London, Mr Mo Gilligan, burst onto the
scene.
Mr Mo Gilligan, burst onto the scene. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All
scene. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All right, all right, all right, all
right, south London, all right.
Honestly,
right, south London, all right. Honestly, south London, you just
need
Honestly, south London, you just need to break away. They say he
burst
need to break away. They say he burst onto the scene but actually he
was
burst onto the scene but actually he was already a elevated talent in a
thriving
was already a elevated talent in a thriving circuit that was being
overlooked,
thriving circuit that was being overlooked, the black comedy
circuit.
overlooked, the black comedy circuit. That's right. Now his
success
circuit. That's right. Now his success is not overnight, guys, it
has
success is not overnight, guys, it has been grafted over many years
travelling
has been grafted over many years travelling up and down the country
alongside
travelling up and down the country alongside performing artists like
Babatunde
alongside performing artists like Babatunde Aleshe, Judi Love, Dane
Baptiste,
Babatunde Aleshe, Judi Love, Dane Baptiste, Ken Brown, Travis Jane,
Tanya
Baptiste, Ken Brown, Travis Jane, Tanya Moore, and Britain's got
talent
Tanya Moore, and Britain's got talent winner, Mr Axel Blake. The
summer
talent winner, Mr Axel Blake. The summer the building. It really
happens,
summer the building. It really happens, guys. Mo loves the scene he
first
happens, guys. Mo loves the scene he first came from and as soon as he
success
first came from and as soon as he success he wanted to shed light on
the
success he wanted to shed light on the community that gave him his
first
the community that gave him his first platform and to show you all
what
first platform and to show you all what you guys have been missing out
on,
what you guys have been missing out on, you all have been missing out,
thanks
on, you all have been missing out, thanks to him, you will get to see
what
thanks to him, you will get to see what you have been missing out on.
He
what you have been missing out on. He did this by sharing resources and
airtime
He did this by sharing resources and airtime and sharing the attention
that
airtime and sharing the attention that he has got in his entertainment
shows,
that he has got in his entertainment shows, his documentary is, two sold
out
shows, his documentary is, two sold out O2 Arena shows, all
unapologetically
out O2 Arena shows, all unapologetically celebrating black
British
unapologetically celebrating black British comedians, bringing together
both
British comedians, bringing together both the legendary Pioneers and the
rising
both the legendary Pioneers and the rising stars as well as arranging
countless
rising stars as well as arranging countless moves behind-the-scenes to
involve
countless moves behind-the-scenes to involve more black creatives behind
the
involve more black creatives behind the camera as well. We are now
seeing
the camera as well. We are now seeing more of the faces that
represent
seeing more of the faces that represent what Britain really is, a
melting
represent what Britain really is, a melting pot of the world, yes. For
someone
melting pot of the world, yes. For someone who was soaring in his own
career,
someone who was soaring in his own career, who could have every excuse
to
career, who could have every excuse to say, no, I am too busy for you,
wait
to say, no, I am too busy for you, wait your turn, son, Mo has shown
exceptional
wait your turn, son, Mo has shown exceptional leadership and he does
it
exceptional leadership and he does it because that is who he is,
selfless,
it because that is who he is, selfless, caring, and passionate
about
selfless, caring, and passionate about celebrating his community.
This
about celebrating his community. This will be his legacy. This guy
has
This will be his legacy. This guy has real gumption. Gumption means.
By
has real gumption. Gumption means. By the way, I didn't know that! --
it
By the way, I didn't know that! -- it means balls. That is my dad
speaking.
it means balls. That is my dad speaking. Let's take a look at what
makes
speaking. Let's take a look at what makes him so special.
Mr
Mr Mo
Mr Mo Gilligan! At the moment it
feels
Mr Mo Gilligan! At the moment it feels like it's shining on me, I
feel
feels like it's shining on me, I feel like I should shine on a lot
more
feel like I should shine on a lot more of the people. Back then there
wasn't
more of the people. Back then there wasn't a glass ceiling, there was a
concrete
wasn't a glass ceiling, there was a concrete ceiling, it was a shed and
the
concrete ceiling, it was a shed and the black comics were in a box at
the site. We can sit here and
pretend
the site. We can sit here and pretend we had a great time growing
up
pretend we had a great time growing up it was crap, the industry was
racist,
up it was crap, the industry was racist, it was blocking us, it was
think
racist, it was blocking us, it was think to us we got our Black show,
or
think to us we got our Black show, or black comedian, one at a time.
The
or black comedian, one at a time. The only way I'm going to make it is
if
The only way I'm going to make it is if you get dropped and I'm the new
black
if you get dropped and I'm the new black guy, we say it is the Reggie
Yates
black guy, we say it is the Reggie Yates thing! You're the new Reggie
Yates.
Yates thing! You're the new Reggie Yates. But the light bulb moment hit
and
Yates. But the light bulb moment hit and I was like, what it we bring
everyone
and I was like, what it we bring everyone here?
Mo
Mo Gilligan and friends at The O2
Arena.
Mo Gilligan and friends at The O2 Arena. He's the only comic I've
experienced
Arena. He's the only comic I've experienced a setback in the day
that
experienced a setback in the day that if you get a stage he's to
share
that if you get a stage he's to share it. Being black is a spectrum,
spectrum
share it. Being black is a spectrum, spectrum of colour, of language, of
race,
spectrum of colour, of language, of race, and I'm hoping I'm literally a
drop
race, and I'm hoping I'm literally a drop in the ocean of diversity to
show
drop in the ocean of diversity to show that we are an end spectrum.
Can
show that we are an end spectrum. Can you have a toy? His toy, it's
called
Can you have a toy? His toy, it's called the Bible, read it! I went to
my
called the Bible, read it! I went to my first show at the age of 17 I've
seen
my first show at the age of 17 I've seen a comic walk-out in his name
was
seen a comic walk-out in his name was Slim. You are one of the people
that
was Slim. You are one of the people that inspired me to do stand-up
comedy.
that inspired me to do stand-up comedy. Thank you. You never see a
lion
comedy. Thank you. You never see a lion with a teenage lion. Until we
started
lion with a teenage lion. Until we started exporting black British
comedy,
started exporting black British comedy, then we will finally have
our
comedy, then we will finally have our seat at the table, that's my
opinion.
our seat at the table, that's my opinion. This is Mo Gilligan and
friends.
opinion. This is Mo Gilligan and friends. This guy is very special. A
local
friends. This guy is very special. A local South London boy that's gone
global.
local South London boy that's gone global. And he decided to shed light
on
global. And he decided to shed light on his friends, he didn't go the one
and
on his friends, he didn't go the one and only
attempt
attempt to Mo2, Mr Mo Gilligan!
London,
attempt to Mo2, Mr Mo Gilligan! London, this show right now is my
absolute
London, this show right now is my absolute putting dream. In this
black
absolute putting dream. In this black circuit, we are all the family
and
black circuit, we are all the family and that's why we're here. CHEERING
AND
and that's why we're here. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You
You can
You can stand for Mo! Guys...
APPLAUSE
You
You will
You will be excited to know,
obviously
You will be excited to know, obviously he has to work hard to
keep
obviously he has to work hard to keep doing it for the black comedy
circuit,
keep doing it for the black comedy circuit, ten WannaCry is in LA but
he
circuit, ten WannaCry is in LA but he sent this message.
I
I am
I am joined by his mum and his
sister!
He
He left
He left this message for you guys. I
want
He left this message for you guys. I want to say thank you so much for
this
want to say thank you so much for this award. Impact in comedy, it
means
this award. Impact in comedy, it means so much to me in so many ways.
When
means so much to me in so many ways. When I started my column in the
journey
When I started my column in the journey I was this young boy from
South
journey I was this young boy from South London -- comedy journey.
Didn't
South London -- comedy journey. Didn't have these teeth, I'll tell
you
Didn't have these teeth, I'll tell you that for free! Thank you to
Channel
you that for free! Thank you to Channel 4 for that! But on a real
one,
Channel 4 for that! But on a real one, I started comedy, my journey
was
one, I started comedy, my journey was different to a lot of other
people's.
was different to a lot of other people's. Comics would say you do
comedy
people's. Comics would say you do comedy on the black circuit, I'd
love
comedy on the black circuit, I'd love to try that. And light, it is
not
love to try that. And light, it is not a buffer A, it's not a quiche or
some
not a buffer A, it's not a quiche or some chicken wings that you try,
it's
some chicken wings that you try, it's a real scene with real people
and
it's a real scene with real people and realising the scene I'd come
from,
and realising the scene I'd come from, the skills I've got and the
people
from, the skills I've got and the people I've had around me to learn
from
people I've had around me to learn from and watch, some of the people
like
from and watch, some of the people like Slim, Richard Blackwood, Angela
Ma,
like Slim, Richard Blackwood, Angela Ma, the list is endless with some of
those
Ma, the list is endless with some of those people. People I've worked
with,
those people. People I've worked with, Eddie Kadi, Axel Blake,
Babatunde,
with, Eddie Kadi, Axel Blake, Babatunde, there are so many people,
Tanya
Babatunde, there are so many people, Tanya Moore, is tonnes of people
I've
Tanya Moore, is tonnes of people I've been on the circuit with and
then
I've been on the circuit with and then you have this cool new
generation
then you have this cool new generation so while everyone was
giving
generation so while everyone was giving me my props, I wanted to give
them
giving me my props, I wanted to give them theirs and that's why I started
doing
them theirs and that's why I started doing things like the documentary,
Black
doing things like the documentary, Black and British and funny, shows
at
Black and British and funny, shows at The O2 Arena to show this amazing
scene
at The O2 Arena to show this amazing scene that some people didn't even
know
scene that some people didn't even know existed. Funny is funny. Thank
you
know existed. Funny is funny. Thank you so much. I shared this with all
the
you so much. I shared this with all the people that have been part of my
journey.
the people that have been part of my journey. You know who you are. You
are
journey. You know who you are. You are probably in the room right now
making
are probably in the room right now making loads of noise. My family,
who
making loads of noise. My family, who have always been mad supportive,
my
who have always been mad supportive, my friends who would take me to gigs
when
my friends who would take me to gigs when I could not afford to go and
stuff
when I could not afford to go and stuff I'm gutted I can't be there
but
stuff I'm gutted I can't be there but I'm always there in vibes and
thank
but I'm always there in vibes and thank you to everybody who helped
know
thank you to everybody who helped know who you are and if you don't
know who you are, that's all right
too.
know who you are, that's all right too. I was going say go fuck
yourself
too. I was going say go fuck yourself but it's it's not that
deep!
yourself but it's it's not that deep! Thank you so much. And thank
you for this award.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, I'm Nish Kumar reason your
races
Hello, I'm Nish Kumar reason your races and stopping his licence fee
but
races and stopping his licence fee but if you're interested in helping
the
but if you're interested in helping the fight against cancer, text
now...
If
If you're
If you're not interested in fighting
against
If you're not interested in fighting against cancer, what the
CHEERING against cancer, what the
CHEERING AND against cancer, what the
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE against cancer, what the
Welcome
Welcome back, you're still watching
the
Welcome back, you're still watching the National Comedy Awards for Stand
Up
the National Comedy Awards for Stand Up To Cancer and we are still live,
somehow.
Up To Cancer and we are still live, somehow. We are now ready to reveal
the
somehow. We are now ready to reveal the winner of the lift with stand-up
vote
the winner of the lift with stand-up vote and to do that is the masterful
Hugh
vote and to do that is the masterful Hugh Dennis! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank
Thank you. Thank you. Genuinely,
what
Thank you. Thank you. Genuinely, what a great night. Finally, finally
I'm
what a great night. Finally, finally I'm on the telly without Dara O
Briain!
I'm on the telly without Dara O Briain! And what an exciting
category
Briain! And what an exciting category to be presenting because
the
category to be presenting because the public have been voting for this
award
the public have been voting for this award throughout the show on Twitter
which
award throughout the show on Twitter which means there is a good chance
the
which means there is a good chance the winner is going to be Elon Musk.
Let's
the winner is going to be Elon Musk. Let's remind ourselves of the
nominees.
APPLAUSE
I'm
APPLAUSE I'm so sorry, I forgot that I had to
announce
I'm so sorry, I forgot that I had to announce the winner. And the winner
is...
announce the winner. And the winner is... Joe Lycett!
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Desky
Desky has
Desky has given me an award! Shit
Hang
Desky has given me an award! Shit Hang on, I'll read out the names I
wrote
Hang on, I'll read out the names I wrote down pulled Liz... No, hang
on.
wrote down pulled Liz... No, hang on. I got to thank thanks for this.
I didn't... I wrote down these names
for
I didn't... I wrote down these names for the last one because I knew I
was
for the last one because I knew I was getting that I'm panicking now.
Everyone
was getting that I'm panicking now. Everyone at Chambers management,
Hannah,
Everyone at Chambers management, Hannah, Katie, Sophia, Will Wood,
all
Hannah, Katie, Sophia, Will Wood, all of multitude media. I got to
thank
all of multitude media. I got to thank my team on this show, aired
and
thank my team on this show, aired and a, James Kettleborough Chris
Sawyer
and a, James Kettleborough Chris Sawyer Harry, micromanage it, Aidan
Butler,
Sawyer Harry, micromanage it, Aidan Butler, Matt Crockett, Eleanor, Greg
James,
Butler, Matt Crockett, Eleanor, Greg James, Sarah Millican. That'll do.
Know,
James, Sarah Millican. That'll do. Know, I could think the people of
Queens
Know, I could think the people of Queens Heath who, without them, I
couldn't
Queens Heath who, without them, I couldn't have done the show. Thank
you
couldn't have done the show. Thank you so much. APPLAUSE
Mind
you so much. APPLAUSE Mind the edge, mind at the edge.
Congratulations
Mind the edge, mind at the edge. Congratulations to go now to present
the
Congratulations to go now to present the award for Outstanding Supporting
Role,
the award for Outstanding Supporting Role, a man who I saw scowling
backstage
Role, a man who I saw scowling backstage so he must be in one of
his
backstage so he must be in one of his better moods, it is TV comic Mr
sunshine,
his better moods, it is TV comic Mr sunshine, Jack Dee!
APPLAUSE
Thanks
APPLAUSE Thanks anyway. It's a thrill to be
here
Thanks anyway. It's a thrill to be here sharing the magic with you.
Channel
here sharing the magic with you. Channel 4 gave me my first TV show
back
Channel 4 gave me my first TV show back in 1992. So it feels really
very
back in 1992. So it feels really very special to be invited back on
the
very special to be invited back on the channel a mere 31 years later.
Thank
the channel a mere 31 years later. Thank you. And so the award for
Outstanding
Thank you. And so the award for Outstanding Supporting Role or what
we
Outstanding Supporting Role or what we used to call upstaging. Let's
have
we used to call upstaging. Let's have a look at the show office,
nominations.
She's
She's at
She's at peace now at least. She was
a
She's at peace now at least. She was a bit of an arsehole all right,
that's
a bit of an arsehole all right, that's true enough. Its herself, how
are
that's true enough. Its herself, how are you keeping? For the love of
God,
are you keeping? For the love of God, you did not see the devil that
night.
God, you did not see the devil that night. You may have but only because
you
night. You may have but only because you absolutely flying on the
Co-codamol.
you absolutely flying on the Co-codamol. What are we supposed to
do
Co-codamol. What are we supposed to do for the rest of the day? Whatever
we
do for the rest of the day? Whatever we feel like. It's the whole day. I
just
we feel like. It's the whole day. I just think about now. How do you
decide
just think about now. How do you decide what to do? I've never
thought
decide what to do? I've never thought about it, I just... A
butterfly!
Bit
Bit more
Bit more space in here. That's the
house.
Bit more space in here. That's the house. Bryan Smart the same.
Definitely
house. Bryan Smart the same. Definitely smells the same. Aria.
That
Definitely smells the same. Aria. That your smell? Yes. Like poo and
wee
That your smell? Yes. Like poo and wee and sweat. And fear and shame.
Mainly
wee and sweat. And fear and shame. Mainly shit. This is incest. We are
not
Mainly shit. This is incest. We are not related. That makes it OK. It
makes it not incest. And giving you
the
makes it not incest. And giving you the benefit of the doubt and take
that
the benefit of the doubt and take that head injury was much worse than
what
that head injury was much worse than what we thought and you are
temporarily
what we thought and you are temporarily possessed by whatever
evil
temporarily possessed by whatever evil spirit is rattling around it
which
evil spirit is rattling around it which is causing you... It's none of
your
which is causing you... It's none of your business. But it is, fuck
features.
your business. But it is, fuck features. I don't mind burning the
midnight
features. I don't mind burning the midnight oil because I'm single.
Young,
Young, free and single.
You
You want
You want to go for a drink sometime?
Yes
You want to go for a drink sometime? Yes please.
And
And the
And the winner is... Diane Morgan!
CHEERING
And the winner is... Diane Morgan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello.
Hello. When Ricky was writing After
Life,
Hello. When Ricky was writing After Life, he said to me, I've written
this
Life, he said to me, I've written this part for a really annoying
woman.
this part for a really annoying woman. I think you'd be perfect for
it.
woman. I think you'd be perfect for it. So, thanks, Ricky, thank you.
Thanks
it. So, thanks, Ricky, thank you. Thanks to the amazing cast, you made
it
Thanks to the amazing cast, you made it such a lovely job. And thanks to
Netflix,
it such a lovely job. And thanks to Netflix, and most of all, thanks to
everyone
Netflix, and most of all, thanks to everyone who voted. I am absolutely
over
everyone who voted. I am absolutely over the moon. Thank you. Thanks a
lot.
over the moon. Thank you. Thanks a lot. You have got to go backstage,
well
lot. You have got to go backstage, well done. So happy for Diane. What
an
well done. So happy for Diane. What an amazing winner. OK, we are going
to
an amazing winner. OK, we are going to have another break now so, go and
make
to have another break now so, go and make yourself a little drink all day
for
CHEERING for
CHEERING AND for
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE for
Oh,
Oh, my
Oh, my goodness, I will give you my
doctor's
Oh, my goodness, I will give you my doctor's number about that. It is
nearly
doctor's number about that. It is nearly the end of the ceremony, can
you
nearly the end of the ceremony, can you believe it? Very soon, I will be
standing
you believe it? Very soon, I will be standing on a chicken shop
contemplating
standing on a chicken shop contemplating my self-esteem so who
better
contemplating my self-esteem so who better to present the final award of
the night, Best scripted comedy,
than
the night, Best scripted comedy, than the start of chicken shop date
and
than the start of chicken shop date and musical wonder Self Esteem?
We
We deliver our lines in an awkward
stilted
We deliver our lines in an awkward stilted way with big pauses and odd
emphasis.
stilted way with big pauses and odd emphasis. We are here to present the
award
emphasis. We are here to present the award for best scripted comedy. All
the
award for best scripted comedy. All the best TV is gifted, isn't that
right?
the best TV is gifted, isn't that right? Yes, it is. Even though we
are
right? Yes, it is. Even though we are chatting very naturally with
each
are chatting very naturally with each other right now. Every word we
say
each other right now. Every word we say has been scripted. Have you met
any
say has been scripted. Have you met any funny men here tonight? No, Self
Esteem,
any funny men here tonight? No, Self Esteem, I haven't. Um... So this
award
Esteem, I haven't. Um... So this award is for brilliant scripts. Like
the
award is for brilliant scripts. Like the one we are reading right now.
And
the one we are reading right now. And those wonderful performances...
Like
And those wonderful performances... Like ours, right now. They bring
these
Like ours, right now. They bring these magical, glorious words to
life,
these magical, glorious words to life, they both let out a sigh of
relief
life, they both let out a sigh of relief and relax, talking Reece
Topley
relief and relax, talking Reece Topley oh, that was tough. This
script
Topley oh, that was tough. This script is shit. And the award... Oh,
shit,
script is shit. And the award... Oh, shit, the nominees are...
We
We would
We would like to speak to a
solicitor,
We would like to speak to a solicitor, P. All in good time. For
the
solicitor, P. All in good time. For the tape, the inspector is refusing
us
the tape, the inspector is refusing us the right of legal
representation.
us the right of legal representation. There is no tape.
Why
representation. There is no tape. Why can't we speak to a solicitor? I
did
Why can't we speak to a solicitor? I did not say you couldn't stop you
are
did not say you couldn't stop you are trying to stitch us up. Why
would
are trying to stitch us up. Why would I do that? Because we are
Fenians.
would I do that? Because we are Fenians. One, two, three... OK. One,
two, one, two, three... I could do
the
two, one, two, three... I could do the lovely remark.
two, one, two, three... I could do I the lovely remark.
two, one, two, three... I could do the lovely remark. I don't want to
come
the lovely remark. I don't want to come I want my best friend stop you
are
come I want my best friend stop you are not your best friend. Just speak
from
are not your best friend. Just speak from the heart.
He's
He's a
He's a nice guy. He is the smallest
one.
He's a nice guy. He is the smallest one. Tell them about the tournament.
I
one. Tell them about the tournament. I don't know about that tournament.
I won a tournament didn't I? Did
you?
I won a tournament didn't I? Did you? Great, thank you, beautiful
stuff,
you? Great, thank you, beautiful stuff, very moving. It is not work!
It
stuff, very moving. It is not work! It is pretending to be disabled!
Micro
It is pretending to be disabled! Micro blue acting is pretending.
What
Micro blue acting is pretending. What did you even say was wrong with
me
What did you even say was wrong with me because blue-eyed didn't go into
specifics,
me because blue-eyed didn't go into specifics, this is a reactor's
dream,
specifics, this is a reactor's dream, look at Daniel Day-Lewis.
What
dream, look at Daniel Day-Lewis. What was up with him? I don't know.
No
What was up with him? I don't know. No one cared, Rain Man, what was
that
No one cared, Rain Man, what was that little twit doing?
The
The award
The award for best scripted comedy
show
The award for best scripted comedy show goes to... After Life.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello,
Hello, all right... Thank you. I was
going
Hello, all right... Thank you. I was going to, this is brilliant, I was
going to say thank you to all of the
cast
going to say thank you to all of the cast and crew and everyone that
worked
cast and crew and everyone that worked on the show, and Netflix but
Ricky
worked on the show, and Netflix but Ricky just texted me and said not to
do
Ricky just texted me and said not to do that so he said it was all him,
just
do that so he said it was all him, just all him, all the awards go to
him.
just all him, all the awards go to him. We will be delivering this to
his
him. We will be delivering this to his house later. It is just three
stops
his house later. It is just three stops up the Northern line, he could
be
stops up the Northern line, he could be here. He is so lazy. Ethan is
going
be here. He is so lazy. Ethan is going to play the piano now
apparently.
going to play the piano now apparently. Great, thank you, thank
you
apparently. Great, thank you, thank you very much. Take care, everyone.
CHEERING
you very much. Take care, everyone. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done, you guys, thank you so
much.
Well done, you guys, thank you so much. Oh, what a night we're having.
Now
much. Oh, what a night we're having. Now I am absolutely delighted to say
that
Now I am absolutely delighted to say that we are nearly the end of the
show
that we are nearly the end of the show and I think, can you believe it
everyone,
show and I think, can you believe it everyone, we are nearly at the end
of
everyone, we are nearly at the end of the show, it is only 1am, oh,
great.
of the show, it is only 1am, oh, great. Also, the autocue has gone
down
great. Also, the autocue has gone down so I have no fucking idea what
to
down so I have no fucking idea what to say. Oh no, it has come out. They
did
to say. Oh no, it has come out. They did not want to give me autocue a
moment
did not want to give me autocue a moment ago, maybe I will just busk
it
moment ago, maybe I will just busk it from that one in, good luck. The
National
it from that one in, good luck. The National Comedy Awards are now over!
CHEERING
National Comedy Awards are now over! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What a night it has been. Oh, my
word,
What a night it has been. Oh, my word, the people, their speeches,
they
word, the people, their speeches, they were all wonderful. We have
laughed
they were all wonderful. We have laughed and cried and sort of sagged
a
laughed and cried and sort of sagged a bit in the middle, I thought, but
it
a bit in the middle, I thought, but it was fine. Thank you for watching,
thank
it was fine. Thank you for watching, thank you for giving which is what I
say
thank you for giving which is what I say to all of my house guests when
they
say to all of my house guests when they leave. I still have one very
important
they leave. I still have one very important task to perform but enough
about
important task to perform but enough about my backstage plates, first I
had
about my backstage plates, first I had better introduce our closing
act,
had better introduce our closing act, can you believe it, we have got
a
act, can you believe it, we have got a closing act, everybody! CHEERING
AND
a closing act, everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I
AND APPLAUSE I know we are all smashed now, but
please
I know we are all smashed now, but please give lots of love and wants
to
please give lots of love and wants to our final act, she is a true
rising
to our final act, she is a true rising star in the final recipient
of
rising star in the final recipient of our comedy breakthrough would
cover
of our comedy breakthrough would cover minutes ago she stepped off
the
cover minutes ago she stepped off the stage at a sold-out Soho Theatre
show
the stage at a sold-out Soho Theatre show and she is now here in Camden
to
show and she is now here in Camden to close the show, please welcome
the fabulous Jordan Gray! Hello, I'm
here
the fabulous Jordan Gray! Hello, I'm here now, sorry I am late, sorry I
am late, I was doing my own show,
doing my own awards nominated show,
not
doing my own awards nominated show, not award-winning, Joe Lycett took
care
not award-winning, Joe Lycett took care of that. Here we go. Thank you
so
care of that. Here we go. Thank you so much. Jordan Gray! This is nice,
this
so much. Jordan Gray! This is nice, this is lovely, you are also drunk
and
this is lovely, you are also drunk and famous, this is great. Where is
Joe
and famous, this is great. Where is Joe Lycett? Congratulations, Joe
Lycett,
Joe Lycett? Congratulations, Joe Lycett, huge personal inspiration to
me,
Lycett, huge personal inspiration to me, the first time I was live on
Channel
me, the first time I was live on Channel 4 I got completely naked,
right,
Channel 4 I got completely naked, right, and then I realised, watching
Joe
right, and then I realised, watching Joe Lycett take on David Beckham, I
realised
Joe Lycett take on David Beckham, I realised if I really wanted to break
the
realised if I really wanted to break the internet, all I had to do was
stick
the internet, all I had to do was stick my knob in a shredder. Why
didn't
stick my knob in a shredder. Why didn't I think of that? Then a week
later
didn't I think of that? Then a week later I would announce it was just a
stunt.
later I would announce it was just a stunt. I had actually donated my
knob
stunt. I had actually donated my knob to charity a week earlier. Who
else
knob to charity a week earlier. Who else have we got? Where is Rosie
Jones?
else have we got? Where is Rosie Jones? I love Rosie Jones! Rosie
Jones
Jones? I love Rosie Jones! Rosie Jones taught me everything I know
which
Jones taught me everything I know which is white has taken me so
fucking
which is white has taken me so fucking long to get famous. Who else
have
fucking long to get famous. Who else have we got? Really nice to hear a
nomination
have we got? Really nice to hear a nomination for Don't Hug Me I'm
Scared,
nomination for Don't Hug Me I'm Scared, congratulations, that's
great,
Scared, congratulations, that's great, Don't Hug Me I'm Scared is
exactly
great, Don't Hug Me I'm Scared is exactly what Ricky Gervais says to
me
exactly what Ricky Gervais says to me every time we fuck. He is not
here!
me every time we fuck. He is not here! He is notable by his absence!
I
here! He is notable by his absence! I love it, After Life is of course a
fantastic
I love it, After Life is of course a fantastic show but can you ever
really
fantastic show but can you ever really beat the office and the
producer
really beat the office and the producer I believe is right here,
Asher
producer I believe is right here, Asher Atallah, where are you? There
he
Asher Atallah, where are you? There he is! I love you, six years ago, I
did
he is! I love you, six years ago, I did the voice and now I am trying to
make
did the voice and now I am trying to make Ash Atala love, my whole career
trying
make Ash Atala love, my whole career trying to impress people in fancy
mechanical
trying to impress people in fancy mechanical chairs. Stay where you
are.
mechanical chairs. Stay where you are. I'm going to do a song on the
old
are. I'm going to do a song on the old Joanna. This is honestly the
coolest
old Joanna. This is honestly the coolest night, thank you for having
me,
coolest night, thank you for having me, I reckon I will do a song. That
mine?
me, I reckon I will do a song. That mine? Right, I have never played the
piano
mine? Right, I have never played the piano before. I watched an
instructional
piano before. I watched an instructional video on YouTube
before
instructional video on YouTube before I got it. Yeah, piece of
piss.
before I got it. Yeah, piece of piss. So easy. Here is a little song
about
piss. So easy. Here is a little song about how I got where I am today.
This
about how I got where I am today. This is fun, isn't it?
Sam
Sam Campbell, you are right? Not the
right
Sam Campbell, you are right? Not the right time for a chat.
#
right time for a chat. # When I sold my soul to the devil
# He said that's not enough I need
more
#
more # So
more # So I sold my body to the devil
# He said that's not enough I need
more
#
more # So
more # So much more so I sold my Xbox to
the
# So much more so I sold my Xbox to the devil
#
the devil # He said that's not enough I need
more
#
more # Does it come with the latest
Spider-Man
# Does it come with the latest Spider-Man game? There are quicker I
said
Spider-Man game? There are quicker I said no, I believe that franchise is
exclusive
said no, I believe that franchise is exclusive to the PS4
#
exclusive to the PS4 # PS4!
# PS4! #
# PS4! # I sold some weed to the devil
# He said that's pretty good, you
got
# He said that's pretty good, you got more?
#
got more? # I said no, I'm sorry devil
# I found that weed at the bottom of
a
# I found that weed at the bottom of a drawer it's from 2004
#
a drawer it's from 2004 # He said no, no
# I need to weed to help me sleep at
night.
#
night. # And addicted, I can quit at any
time
# And addicted, I can quit at any time I like
#
time I like # And I was, like all fucking
helped.
#
helped. # Then he said, singing a lullaby so
I
# Then he said, singing a lullaby so I can rest my weary eyes
#
I can rest my weary eyes # I will give you what you're
looking
# I will give you what you're looking for
#
looking for # So I sang
#
#
# And
# And then the devil said # Shipped the Fai cup, it's really
awful
#
awful # My God so that's an
don't
don't you
don't you this on live TV, it's so
dangerous!
It's
It's the
It's the hard way to gender
reassignment
It's the hard way to gender reassignment surgery, help! Channel
4,
reassignment surgery, help! Channel 4, make some noise. Thank you so
much!
You
You don't
You don't want to be...
Why
Why so
Why so serious?
Life
Life finds a way... Its once small
step
Life finds a way... Its once small step for man... One giant leap for
mankind.
step for man... One giant leap for mankind. Good night, everyone!
CHEERING
mankind. Good night, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE