♪ I've got to tell you my tale
♪ Of how I loved and how I failed
♪ I hope you understand... ♪
Sorry, we're closed for a private function.
Well, tell them I'm staff.
Look, my boyfriend sucks,
and I need to drink to forget he exists.
That way, when I next see him, it will be a nice surprise.
- Uh... - We went to see
The Hangover II, and afterwards, all I said was
that men aren't as funny as they think they are,
and he kicked off. Why are men so wet?
Why is it so fucking quiet in here?
You're at a wake.
Fuck!
Wasn't anyone young or important, was it?
Nah, just my dad.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Eddie, I am so sorry for your loss.
You know your dad loved you so much.
Thanks, Auntie Bebs.
He was always so proud of you.
Oh, would you like a...?
Double Jack and Coke, please, babes.
- I'll bring it over. - Oh, thank you.
I have crashed a funeral.
I think it's called "a wake" if there's booze.
You don't happen to have any kind of trap door
you could open beneath me, or...?
This isn't gonna work.
A highlights reel of our friendship
isn't gonna make everything OK.
I know, I know, it's more complicated than...
The fact that the way we met is funny and adorable doesn't mean
that we're supposed to be in each other's lives forever.
I know, Eddie.
Wh... Why don't you just sit?
Just... one sec.
It's just the glass - it's not safe.
CHUCKLES: Oh, my God!
Is that from when Ryan was in his...?
- Woo! - ♪ You're my
- ♪ White tiger... ♪ - Ooh! Whoa!
- Argh! - [CRASH]
...Starlight Express era?
- I'm gonna stay with Jay. - No, Eddie, Jay's...
Jay moved to Arizona to prepare for the apocalypse.
Can I please borrow your phone?
I need to google "free accommodation, London".
Well, that is a one-way ticket to sex trafficking,
so I'm going to say no.
You promised me one night. I...
[SIGHS]
[BUCKET CLATTERS]
[GLASS TINKLES]
"Of all the old-man pubs
"in all of mid-recession Dalston,
"I walked into yours."
You realise my dad's wake might not be
the hilarious memory that you think it is.
Oh...
I wasn't the one laughing.
Ohh...!
So what I'm gonna do is quietly and respectfully
tiptoe out of here, and you never have to see me again.
I don't think so.
It'll just look weird if you leave so quickly.
- Oh, come on, I... - You need to work
on your mourner persona. Are you a relative?
Ooh - secret family!
Uh, er, maybe I could be
like a young runaway your dad took in.
God, sorry, it's really hard to work with the age difference.
I haven't laughed in so long.
My face actually hurts.
Ooh.
[IN SOUTHERN DRAWL] I have always depended
on the kindness of strangers.
- Theodora! - A-a-and it's over.
Theodora, my glass has been empty for an hour.
I wish you'd go around to do top-ups.
I'm actually at my father's wake
in more of a personal capacity,
as much as I valued him as an employer.
But you're welcome to do it.
Or Jay.
No, your brother needed to get back to work
before the US markets open,
and I need to be available for people, Eddie, I...
...am the widow.
You divorced him 15 years ago.
Who's this?
- Uh... - Maureen Johnson.
I'm a good friend of... the deceased.
- Cam. [CLEARS THROAT] - Cam.
The Deceased was his golf nickname.
Cameron didn't play golf.
Funny, he never mentioned an ex-wife.
Not once in all our... golf times.
Well...
Ooh, brave to go after my mum. We've just met.
Are you two close?
- Like sisters! - [CHUCKLES]
Buffet emergency. Sorry, but we are headed
straight for a sausage roll drought, Eddie.
Now, I can go to the big Sains...
- No, it wasn't sausage rolls. - No?
No. Dad hated sausage rolls.
He said they looked like flaky dicks. It was...
We are headed straight for a Scotch egg drought, Eddie.
Now, I can go to the big Sainsbury's.
Will, this is Maureen.
Maggie... Donovan.
- Enchantee! - This is Maggie.
She's a funeral crasher.
This is my best friend, Will.
Ew! Your best friend is a man?!
Thank God I'M here.
You have to admit, though,
it felt like we were destined to meet.
Why? Because you made me laugh when I was sad?
- Whitney always said... - Oh, come on!
She always said you use fun as a tool to keep me captive.
Well, that's insane.
Her point was that you deflect with jokes
to avoid the real shit.
I don't avoid the real shit, Eddie, I can't.
I've just learnt that having a sense of humor
about that kind of stuff is sort of crucial for survival.
Sitting in the misery won't make the misery go away.
I know I might not be
your classic version of a support system,
but I do support you.
Like when you first took over...
Wet Mouth!
Is that a new nickname? It's gross.
It's what you should rename the pub.
No-one wants to get fucked up in the Red Lion.
Lions are orange.
I haven't decided yet.
Like, I'd have to leave law school.
Eddie, anyone can be a lawyer,
but not everyone gets to run a cool bar.
- It's not cool. - Yeah, but it could be.
All we have to do is, like,
get someone from Vice to DJ once a month
and make sure the bathrooms are disgusting.
What are you doing?
Just come up here.
- Have you got any ciggies? - Mm.
Make a wish, bitch!
It's like you're campaigning to be the mayor of my life.
None of this is relevant.
And stop doing that!
- [THUMP] - It's fucking pointless.
Being your friend is hard fucking work, Maggie.
You're just ignoring all the times you...
Hey! Are you OK? You look hungover.
I'm fine. But thank you for saying I look like shit.
[CLAMOR]
- Oh, sorry... - WOMAN: Excuse me!
I asked for two glasses, you've only given me one.
I had zero living family who could support me
- in any real way. - I know.
And then suddenly dropped on my lap was
this massive responsibility.
- The bar...? - You.
Robert Downey Jr - unconfirmed, but I see it.
Carrie Fisher - legend.
Vincent van Gogh -
no way! Do not cut off your ear.
I will try.
Mel Gibson - they can't all be good.
Kurt Cobain...
I know you girls say having a disgusting toilet
makes the bar cooler,
but there's got to be limits to that, don't we think?
Can you just leave out the ones who've killed themselves?
Yeah. Uh...
Hmm... Buh-buh-buh...
Great.
- Sinead O'Connor. - What about her?
I'm finding cool celebrities with bipolar disorder
- to cheer Maggie up. - Mm.
Well, the first thing to do is find the best treatment,
get you into a routine.
I think moving in with me would do you a world of good
- in that respect. - No way.
- Just while you... - No.
But, darling, I don't want you to be alone while you're...
What if something...?
I can stay with her for a bit.
- No, it's fine. - No, no, no,
it'll be a nice change from upstairs.
I've got so many rats now,
I might need to build some sort of home for them.
GILLIAN: Well...
Is that cool?
Yeah.
Grand.
That's settled.
Do you have any jobs going?
I can't do this any more.
My God.
The six months that Anya worked here
were the drunkest of my life.
Yeah, I know. I lived with you for most of them.
Right.
That must have been a lot for you, I get it.
You don't get it, Maggie, how could you?
- I do. - No, you don't!
You have never had to be responsible for anyone else
in your whole life.
- Where are you...? - Pissing!
[SIGHS]
How's it looking in there?
Something or someone has given birth in the sink.
But other than that, about the same.
Look, I know you think this friendship has been
about you looking after me, and I get that. But...
- ...I look after you, too. - No, you don't.
I do, Eddie, just because my care looks different to yours.
Name one time you've looked after me successfully.
Other than today?
- Maggie... - Fine.
- Exactly! - Well, just give me a minute!
OK... How about that time you...?
They're honestly not that bad.
OK. Go home. I'll run the bar.
That's not what happened!
They're honestly not that bad.
OK. Go home. I'll run the bar.
My point still stands.
You're making it sound like a bigger deal than it was,
because you always change the narrative to suit you.
- No, I don't. - You change so many details.
Eddie...
My memory is fucked from years of being on lithium.
I'm sorry. It's not intentional,
it's not malicious, I just...
I can't remember every detail of every moment.
And that makes me sad sometimes. But, yeah,
it can't be helped, like.
It's not on purpose.
I am sorry if it was too much.
I'm sorry if I leant on you. I honestly didn't know
I was doing it. I just didn't have the tools to...
I didn't have any tools,
It's like I was trying to fix an engine
with my bare hands and no YouTube.
I'm sorry you had to be like the...
...the Farmer Hoggett to my Babe.
- [PHONE VIBRATES] - [LOUD MUSIC]
[CHUCKLING]
As my second Regina of the night.
This party shags!
[PHONE VIBRATES]
Hey! Get off your phone and start serving, will ya?!
Sometimes I think it was more like
the Babe leading the Babe.
OK, maybe my shitty memory only remembers the good things,
but...
...the night you won this,
when we...
- [MUSIC THUMPS] - [CHATTER]
He is definitely the best shag I've ever had,
including women,
which is VERY unusual!
Well, congratulations, Owen.
It's all about the knuckles.
The knuckles!
Not the knuckles!
It would be classic Anya to like that, though.
You made a cute speech.
Did I? Cant remember.
- Oh, come on. - No, I don't.
I told you, I'm basically Dory from Finding Nemo,
if she also had a mood disorder.
You said something like...
- [TAPS GLASS] - Hear ye, hear ye.
I have known Miss Theodora Rushton for six years now,
and in that time she has made my life infinitely better.
Oh, it's a serious one. On top of that,
she has single-handedly turned Wet Mouth
into the three-time motherfucking...
ALL: Hackney Online Bar Of The Year!
Eddie...
I have seen you deal with every setback,
every angry, drunk man,
every pile of puke in the bathroom, like it's nothing.
But I know... We know it's not nothing.
It's amazing.
Eddie,
you are the coolest,
strongest, smartest person I know.
And I really fucking love you.
No, I can't.
No, you have to feel feelings.
No, I don't!
Tickle her until she feels feelings.
Must feel feelings!
- Feelings! - Anya!
That was gorgeous, babe.
Aw, thanks!
Sorry, I don't want to be rude, but who are you?
I'm Ryan.
I was sat at the table next to you at the awards,
and thought you guys seemed more fun.
Ryan in the ho-o-o-ouse!
Ryan in the hizz-zzy!
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I can't believe that's how we met him,
and now that bitch is literally the executor of my will.
I know, he I could have been
a killer or a furry, for all we knew.
That's not a great example,
- by the way. - What?
Of you being an amazing friend. It doesn't really support
- your argument. - My argument?
Yeah, cos that night ended when you...
Is she on any medication? Do we know?
- [VOMITS] - Hello?!
- Medication? - Uh, y-yeah.
[YELLS] We're not on drugs!
I was on new meds.
I wasn't supposed to drink on them, but...
But you did. And I don't get to be angry about that
because it's like, "Oh, Maggie has bipolar.
"She can't help it. It's not her fault."
So then I have to bury my feelings.
- I never asked you to bury... - That night was supposed to be
about Dad, so he could see that everything was OK.
I didn't know that.
Cos it's stupid.
He can't see anything.
He's dead.
Your feelings aren't stupid, Eddie.
It matters to me if I've hurt you.
There's always a reason you can't show up for me, Maggie.
If you're referring to what happened last year...
If you're talking about what happened last year...
I had lithium poisoning.
I had too much lithium in my blood
because my doctor prescribed the wrong amount.
That's the truth.
I was trying really hard to get better when that happened.
I still am.
It's a lot of work, it's every day,
but I am so much better now.
You don't seem better.
Sorry, Eddie, but you don't know that.
You haven't been here.
And when you've been here, you've been...
Brainwashed by a con artist?
Yeah.
You must feel...
I can't think of a better word than insane...
I know what that's like...
...when your reality turns out not to be real.
It happened to me.
It follows me every day. I try and forget it and...
...I can't.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
Call an ambulance, for God's sake!
Didn't you know she was out there?!
Oh, God!
Come on, darling. You'll be all right.
You'll be all right, love.
EDDIE: Gillian wasn't there.
- Yes, she was, I called her. - No, you didn't.
Oh!
Let's go over there. Here we go.
- [SOFTLY] OK. Take it easy. - [MOANS]
OK.
Here you go.
OK...
Hi, Gillian. It's Will.
Um, can you meet me at Homerton Hospital?
He's never said anything.
How do you know that?
How do you know what happened?
He called me from the hospital while I was at the airport.
Oh.
So you knew before you even left.
You knew I'd been poisoned, and you didn't even drop me a DM.
- It's... - Is that how much you hate me?
I missed your abortion because I was poisoned.
But you abandoned me
because you wanted to go on holiday.
That's not it!
It kind of seems like it is!
I had to go, Maggie, I had to.
Why?!
So you could go and smoke weed with Mind Control Barbie?
No, because I was fucked!
I was so fucked and I'd just lost everything.
And I didn't know how to cope with that.
And I couldn't stay here and sit
in the mess of it because I'm fucking weak.
I'm so weak that instead of dealing with my shit,
I found someone who told me they could make it better
and I let them tell me what to think. I mean, what the fuck?!
I know I'm not soft
and I know I don't seem like someone to be gentle with,
but I am.
My sad looks very different to your sad,
but it's still very real. And it still fucking hurts.
I'm a mess!
And a fraud and a loser.
You don't want me, Maggie, I can't help you.
♪ Remember how it used to be
♪ When the sun would fill the sky... ♪
So... Thank you so much for having me.
Oh, you're more than welcome.
Theodora, can you fetch the microphone?
I think now's the time for my Amazing Grace.
Oh, damn, I'm sad to miss that.
You know, I thought this was going to be
the worst day of my life.
And it wasn't.
And I think that might be because of you,
you know, distracting me
with how insanely inappropriate you are.
[CHUCKLES]
♪ All I wish is gone away... ♪
Any time.
♪ All I wish is gone away
♪ All I wish is gone away... ♪
I'm so sorry.
Sorry, Maggie.
Mm...
Uh... Whew...
So we're both Babe.
Two pigs are better than one anyway.
Mm.
Hey...
Get behind the bar.
[SCOFFS]
I'm not really in the mood to make cocktails.
Oh, come on, just... just trust me. Come on.
Oh... OK.
[SNIFFLES]
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hi! Uh, could I get a drink?
I'm on the run from a screening of The Hangover II,
which I inexplicably attended with the ex
who told me to go on the Dukan Diet.
Hey! This doesn't happen to be your dad's wake, does it?
Ah...
It is, yeah,
but, uh, please don't let that stop you hanging out here
for hours.
So, what, we're just going to start again?
No. I mean, we can't.
What's done is done, like.
I'm a nightmare.
You're a nightmare.
There's no cure for that.
But...
We can decide that we love each other.
That we need each other.
Move on.
Together.
Can I move in with you?
Of course.
And everything will be all right?
You're all I have now, Maggie.
♪ If I had words
♪ To make a day for you
♪ I'd sing you a morning... ♪
I've got you.
♪ ..golden and new
♪ I would make this day last for all time
♪ Give you a night deep in moonshine
♪ If I had words to make the day for you... ♪