This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature
INTERCOM BUZZES
Why don't you start by telling me why you're here today?
Er, the thing is,
I've tried Spanish fly, and creams...
So you're impotent. OK.
Martin... Can I call you Martin? It's Meurig, actually.
It's very important that we converse freely, openly and candidly, OK?
And that's something
that I'll be encouraging you to do with your penis as well.
HE LAUGHS Communicating with one's member
engenders a sense of trust and confidence.
And you'll have to give him a name as well.
Him? Oh, unless it's a she, perhaps, is it?
You're asking me to name...
Peter, Paul, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Carol, whatever you like.
This is a wind-up.
I'm not going to... I can't, um...talk to it.
When was the last time that you had sexual intercourse
with your wife?
18 months. Two years ago, maybe.
And how would you feel about inviting her to one of our sessions?
No. No way.
No, that's not happening.
Not ever.
Sorry.
You know, Martin, I think it's very likely
that your lack of potency is due to repressed psychological trauma.
I don't think I've got trauma.
It's repressed.
I don't think it is. That's classic.
Look, er...
..what are my options
if this, you and me, don't work out, then?
Well, I mean, there are a number of medical treatments available,
all fairly agricultural, in my opinion. I'll try anything.
Well, there's penile prosthesis,
which is an operation under general anaesthetic,
which involves fixing inflatable rods into the shaft of the penis,
which are then inflated with a pump hidden inside the ball sack.
Anything else?
Injections can be self-administered into the base of the penis
prior to intercourse.
And then there's always the new suppository,
which involves inserting a small pellet
directly up and into the urethra prior to sex.
So any thoughts on a name, Martin?
He sidesteps one...
It's Walker, and it's a try!
I'll see you.
Walker? Hobbler, more like.
Hey, I'm a finely tuned athlete, thank you very much.
With your two left feet?
Where have you been? You didn't come off that bloody bike again?
Oh, I got stuck at work.
Oh, there he is. Staying for a chat?
You don't mind if I stay for one, do you?
No, come on, let's go home. I'm freezing.
See you later.
All right? Enjoy that?
Yeah! Yeah?
SEAGULLS CRY
Right, boys, come on. Dirty kit off and straight in there.
TV: ..shambolic farce...
The kids are asleep. Taken your insulin?
Yes, I've taken my insulin.
I think I'm going to go up myself.
Coming?
Just watching this.
Why don't you come up?
Yeah, I will.
I'll be up after this.
SHE WHISPERS: Meurig, come upstairs.
Ffion, stop.
I'm knackered, is all.
Can't keep doing this.
20 across - Christmas greenery.
WOMAN: Conifer?
Ah, nine letters. Ah.
All right, we'll come back to that.
Nine down - tempt, six letters.
Entice.
That's the one, that'll do nicely.
Right. 13 across - swollen or becoming swollen.
Nine letters.
First letter T, second letter U.
Dear, oh, dear, these are getting harder.
Tumescent.
Bloody hell, I think it is an' all.
You're on fire, you are.
I've always liked that word, tumescent.
Can you hear it?
The way it turns and rolls in the mouth?
It's onomatopoeia, if I'm not mistaken.
Are you...
..tumescent...
..Colin?
Shall I, um...
..fill in the box?
Oh, yeah, fill it in.
Oh, now, having said it's onomatopoeia...
Just write it down, Colin.
Yeah, right.
T-U-M-E-S...
Oh! Damn.
What happened?
My pencil snapped.
Colin...
..what if we were to meet up in person?
I mean, these past few months getting to know you
have been lovely,
but wouldn't it be nice to put a face to the voice?
We could have a cup of tea and a slice of cake...
# Which is the name of the game
# Watch the guy watch a dame On any street in town
# Up and down
# And over and across Romance is... #
Hey.
All arrived! Hey!
What you think?
Yeah. Yeah, it's good.
25% commission on everything I sell, thank you very much.
I'm my own boss.
Oh, God. Look at this one.
How realistic it is, with veins all over it.
Brilliant.
DOORBELL RINGS
LAUGHTER IN NEXT ROOM
I'm not being funny, but some of these are massive.
MORE LAUGHTER
BAWDY CHATTER CONTINUES
You ought to be locked up, you two.
This one's got a bit of give, mind.
That one's like a rolling pin.
WOMEN LAUGH
HE KNOCKS
Evening, ladies.
Oh! Here comes the stripper!
ALL: Oooh! HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Alys, can I borrow you?
Bugger off, Peet. We don't need you no more.
We've got batteries now.
Excuse me.
Take the whip with you, Alys!
OTHERS WHOOP
How's it going in there?
Ceri's already a bottle of Blue Nun down, can you tell? Mm.
Oh, but, Peet, I love it. I do.
I've sold three vibrators, four sets of stockings,
two fluffy handcuffs and a chocolate cock.
Oh, that's, that's, that's great, that is. Well done.
I feel like a proper businesswoman.
Well, I am now, with this. It's what I am. I'm a businesswoman.
I'm really proud of you.
Listen, you...
you haven't told the girls, have you, about...
About what?
Oh, Peet. No.
Do you really think I would? No, I know that.
It's just that I could hear you laughing and I thought...
Nobody's laughing at you, Peet.
This isn't about you, for once.
I'd better get back to it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry, ladies.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
HE GASPS
Gentlemen...
..start your engines.
BOTH LAUGH
Hello.
TOMMY MOANS
Oh, yeah?
Oh... N...No...
Stop, stop, stop!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Just stop for a sec.
You're in agony. I'll be all right. Tommy, Tommy... Just give me a sec.
Just stop, it's not worth it.
I could...
I could finish you.
Let's leave it, shall we, for tonight?
I've got to be up early for school. All right.
This has to change.
We should be prepared to routinely ask our patients
about sexual function.
Managing sexual dysfunction is an integral part
of providing diabetes care.
But men kill themselves over this,
and the numbers are astonishing.
40% of diabetic men in their 40s suffer from some form of impotence.
This is the most neglected complication of diabetes
and we don't talk about it. Not ever.
Meanwhile, there are men out there,
so many men, suffering in silence.
Dr Pearce? This is... Eshaan. Eshaan Mallick.
Dylan. How do you do?
It's lovely to meet you.
Eshaan works at Pfizer.
I have something I think will be of interest to you.
And it's a pill? A single pill.
Eshaan.
If this is real, this is...
It's Kinsey, it's penicillin.
Let's not get carried away.
Until we start clinical trials,
nobody really knows what's going on.
I have to lead that trial.
It has to be me.
You need me,
my impotence clinics, my diabetes clinics,
all of my work published at the BMJ,
because I am telling you now,
I am promising you,
you won't find anyone who knows more about impotence than me.
That trial is mine.
This pill has to work.
TANNOY: Dr Matthews to reception, please.
There's a lady waiting. Thank you. Dr Matthews, please.
You haven't got five minutes, have you, doc?
Excuse me?
Er, a few of the boys, the other porters,
I overheard them talking about your line of work.
Something about a trial?
Come with me.
And you didn't have any issues achieving an erection
before your diabetes diagnosis?
None.
I only turned 40 last year.
Well, the good news is there are treatments available.
I've tried them. Nothing works.
Cos the therapist, she said...
What therapist? The one...
..from the back of a girlie magazine.
Not mine, one of the boys in work.
Why don't I make an appointment
so we can talk all this through in more detail at my impotence clinic?
It's just, it's my anniversary coming up
and...my wife, Ffion,
she, she, she had breast cancer and she lost her...
She had a mastectomy? Double mastectomy.
And she thinks all of this is her fault and it's not.
Well, there is a trial, it's true.
It's a new drug that could potentially allow men like yourself
to achieve and sustain an erection by simply taking a pill.
A pill?
No injections, no implanting?
Just a pill.
We'll be recruiting men over the next few days.
I assume this is something you would be interested in?
A pill?
Come on, ladies, keep it up now.
MUSIC: Gonna Make You Sweat by C+C Music Factory
Keep going. Hands. Star jumps.
And up, up!
Higher!
Looking good.
Keep it up.
And step. Good. That's it.
One, two, that's it. High knees...
Oh, my God, are you actually kidding me?
Chomping on a Chomp? What?
My blood sugar. Thought I was going to pass out.
Blood sugar, my eye.
Moira, I'm diabetic.
It's a very serious condition.
All right, fine, fine.
I just fancied a Chomp, that's all.
I was sweating bullets in there.
I knew it. Come on, chuck one over.
Thanks.
Did I tell you we've got this new trial in work?
A clinical trial.
Sounds fascinating.
No, it is.
It's for diabetics.
Diabetic men who can't...
who can't get it up.
What's that got to do with me?
Oh, Tommy! Moira, I'm not having this conversation with you.
Just listen to me.
It's a pill.
No more injections.
Point is, they've picked us to run the trial at Morriston.
The trial's only really open to heterosexual men.
Well, what's new? Well, the ultimate goal, apparently,
is vaginal penetration.
Moira, I'm not having vaginal penetration!
That's not what I'm saying.
I know that you're not straight.
But they don't have to know that.
Do they?
Hey. Where are you off?
Picked up an early shift.
You didn't say anything.
Meurig.
Right.
Happy anniversary to you and all.
The porn's arrived.
Have you watched? How is it? Well, let's just say
that I'm looking forward to my next visit from the plumber
and leave it at that.
Where did you get it?
At Newport, that little sex shop just outside the city centre.
What did you say?
I said it was for science.
What did they say?
They said it was the best line they'd ever heard.
Ooh, and gave me a free tube of lube for my troubles.
HE LAUGHS
The trial is open to diabetic men between the ages of 40 and 65.
It will run for around four weeks in total
and is completely confidential.
Here's an information sheet.
You can take it home with you, have a read.
Come back with any questions.
There'll be dirty videos to watch.
Where do I sign?
For the first stage, there will be two visits to the hospital
where you will be given either a placebo or the real thing
and hooked up to a strain gauge.
On your second visit,
if you received the placebo on your first,
then you'll get the real thing, and vice versa.
A strain...? Gauge.
It's a plastic hoop fitted around the shaft of the penis
and connected to a rigimetric device,
to measure the hardness of any erection.
Oh.
Doo-doo.
What a world!
For the second stage, we will be inviting you
to take some tablets home with you. To enjoy with your wife.
And you can take some tablets home with you. Oh.
To enjoy with your wife.
Thank you.
She'll be delighted.
Anything else?
That'll be £4.42.
Excuse me, love, where do you keep the johnnies?
SHE SOBS
Fi... I'm OK, I'm OK...
I, um...
..I think Meurig's having an affair.
Please don't lie to me.
Fi, I wouldn't. Is he? No.
Why?
Just... He barely looks at me.
He hasn't touched me in God knows how long.
Nah, there's no way he's off shagging.
He knows he's punching.
We all do.
What's he said, then?
Nothing.
We hardly talk.
I mean, we talk, but not about anything.
It's me.
I'm not attractive to him any more.
No, bollocks.
And if he doesn't want you, I'll have you.
I would. I'd bloody run away with you right now.
Come on, let's go.
Hey.
Don't say anything.
If he is off shagging another woman...
..I'm not sure I want to know.
Thank you.
All right?
I did your guttering last year.
That's right.
Park Avenue.
Must be... Yeah, yeah, definitely you. No.
Meurig Jenkins? Colin White?
Oh, here you go.
Follow me. Thanks.
We're not going in together, are we?
No, we've got a few clinical rooms. I was going to say, bit cosy.
Meurig, come with me.
Colin, you're with Marie. Right.
Best of luck.
Dr Pearce will be through in just a moment.
Some water for you there, and tissues if you need them.
We'll have the cleaner in after, so no need to hold back.
They'll give the walls a good wipe down, ceiling too.
Ceiling? If my Steve's anything to go by.
Ah, Meurig. Welcome, welcome. All right, doc?
If you could drop your trousers and pop yourself on the bed for us.
So...
..there are two parts to this.
First, you'll fit the strain gauge yourself,
looping it over the penis like so.
Then you'll take the pill, wait 20 minutes,
and then press play on the video.
By the time we collect you,
you should be back to your natural state, so to speak,
though I promise to knock first. LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
If you'd like to drop your pants?
And secure the strain gauge.
How's that feeling? Good, I think.
May I...?
Should be nice and snug, but not too tight.
Most action I've had in years, this.
Sorry. I'm a bit nervous.
Understandable.
It's my anniversary tonight, so...this would be a welcome gift.
Everything crossed. Moira?
Do we know if this is the real thing or...? We don't.
It's a blind trial.
Oh, you mean now? Please.
Right.
Any problems, we'll be just outside.
CLOCK TICKS
WATCH TICKS
Travelled far?
Dinefwr. Oh.
What is it you do?
Accountant, for my sins.
You?
Oh, yeah, odd jobs. Construction, mainly, and guttering.
I think you're confusing me with someone else.
I get that a lot.
I swear it was you. Tommy Cadogan? Yes?
Edward O'Connor?
Aye. Peetham Shah?
If you've finished with the forms, we'll take you through now.
WOMAN ON TV: I haven't seen you here before, at the gym.
I'm the new trainer.
My name is Derek.
WOMAN ON TV: Don't stop!
ENTHUSIASTIC MOANING ON SCREEN
Oh, I love it!
MUSIC PLAYS
MAN ON TV: Yeah!
MAN ON TV: The first session is always complimentary,
but only if you...
SLEAZY MUSIC PLAYS
MOANING ON SCREEN
WOMAN: Oh, yeah.
Oh. Oh!
Communicating with one's member
engenders a sense of trust and confidence,
and you'll have to give him a name as well.
THERAPIST: Peter, Paul, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Carol...
Hello.
..anything you like.
Can you hear me?
MOANING CONTINUES ON TV
Champ.
Hallelujah.
VIDEOTAPE EJECTS
MUSIC: Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah
CLOCK KEEPS TICKING
MUSIC: Hallelujah Chorus
All right?
How did it go? Good.
Fighting fit.
Got hard, did you?
Yeah. I was being subtle.
Me too, eh? Cheers to us.
Hey, we should celebrate.
Oh, no, I've got to get back... Oh, bollocks to that!
We'll have a cold one. Hey, boys. Fancy a pint?
Thanks, but I've got my bike and... We'd love a pint. Come on, then.
MUSIC: Parklife by Blur
# Confidence is a preference
# For the eventual voyeur of what is known as... Parklife! #
Hold on. Let me get this straight.
You just said you think you're in love with her.
But you've never met her?
Well, not in person.
What other way is there?
Well, we found each other in the Lonely Hearts column.
THEY LAUGH
I'm serious.
We've talked for hours on the phone.
I mean, there's been others, don't get me wrong.
Others? Phone pals. Oh, aye.
But no-one like Teresa.
Not since my Catherine passed away.
Oh, don't tell the doctor that.
How long were you married?
27 wonderful years.
Aye, she may have gone, but she'll always be with me, in here.
And this new piece of fluff?
Teresa, but I'm not sure I'd describe her quite like that.
Well, you listen to me now.
You want to pull your finger out your arsehole
and get over there and tell that Teresa to her face
how you feel about her.
Oh, I couldn't.
What if she wanted more?
You know, more than a bit of dirty talk?
Well, what with my - our - condition...
..you know, what would I say? What would I do?
I tried one of those pumps once, but it left me black and blue.
Hey, it's all changed now with this new pill, anyway.
Men again, huh?
My Seren's counting down the hours until I bring them tablets home.
HE LAUGHS
Hey, it'll be like the last days in Rome in Skewen.
I'm not sure I'd even know where to start,
it's been so long. Hey, I'll draw you a picture.
Yeah, Eddie's right.
The world's our oyster.
Hey, I'm surprised by you, that you're afflicted.
Why's that, then?
Well, you don't expect it of somebody who drives a Mercedes.
THEY LAUGH
What have I said now? What haven't you said?
I can't believe we're talking about all this.
About what?
This, us, knobs.
Because we're always thinking about it, aren't we?
Just...never say it out loud,
wouldn't dream of it.
And yet, you know, here we are.
It's nice, though, isn't it?
To have a chat.
Hey, cheers, lads.
Cheers.
All right, boys, that's me.
Hey, sit down. You're having another one.
20 minutes, no, really, really, I got to go.
It's my anniversary.
And you, Casanova, you should go for it.
Right. Ta-ra, boys.
Aye. Ta-ra.
BARMAN: Yes, sir, what can I get you? Same again, please.
PHONE RINGS
WOMAN: Hello?
Hello, Teresa.
Yeah, it's me. Who's me? Colin.
FLATLY: Oh, Colin.
Yeah. Um...
I wanted to say... I've been a right twat.
Can't argue with you there.
I'm phoning to ask... To tell you that...we should meet.
I see.
Where is it you're taking me, then?
What are we doing here? 7.30, you said the table was booked for.
Yes, I won't be a minute now.
I just have to run in and get those boots.
They'll still be here next week.
Pete was upset.
And we're here now.
All right.
Let's go in for a drink.
Ffion!
What? Got time for a quick half.
Come on.
Right, you go in.
Where is everyone? Don't know.
Ffion?
Open the door.
ALL: Surprise!
Happy anniversary.
BOY: It was a surprise! Well done!
Oh, where the hell have you been?
I've been worried sick.
Went for a walk.
Well, I've been home hours.
You could have left a note.
Well? How'd it go?
No.
Maybe on the next visit.
There's no way I'm going back.
You know they made me watch straight porn?
Oh. Remember last year, we had the gutters done
by that man who just never shut up? Well, he was there on the trial.
And if he remembers me, he'll remember you.
What did Moira say?
Nothing.
Doesn't matter anyway, I'm not going back.
I'm done.
OK. If that's what you want.
Yeah, it is.
And...
..I've been thinking.
You should, you know...
..take a lover.
Oh. Take a lover?
I wouldn't want to know the details, obviously, but I understand.
So what I'm saying is, I'm giving you, er, permission.
That's nice of you.
Well, there's that Scottish lad who works at the petrol station.
Or Eduardo from work. I'm being serious.
Oh, so am I. I'll have them both.
Oh, Rhys! This isn't a joke.
Tommy, you've got to stop getting yourself so worked up.
It's not like we can't do other stuff, is it? You tell me.
Oh, not this again, right?
I am not going to keep apologising to you
for having a wank in the shower.
People wank. Men wank. That's.. I don't.
I don't want to fight with you.
You should go back for the next visit. No.
Not for me.
For you.
MUSIC: Step On by Happy Mondays
Oh, my God, do you remember?
INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION
Just give me a second, yeah? I'll be back in a minute.
What do you reckon?
Her name's Cara. She's 32 and she goes like the clappers.
I can barely keep up.
Oh, it's filth, mate.
Seems nice.
You all right?
Fine.
How's everything, you know, at home?
What?
Well, nothing. It's...
Just something Ffion said.
Nothing bad...I think.
Well, I don't know.
She was just a bit upset, that's all.
Upset about what?
Why's she talking to you about it?
Meurig, it's not a big deal, man.
Sounds like it is. What's she said?
FFION ON MICROPHONE: Can I have a bit of hush, please?
Tell me what she said! Hello? Hiya.
Thank you, diolch.
So, 15 years ago, I married the love of my life.
ALL: Aw!
Now, I know a lot of you already know
that the last few years, they haven't been easy for us.
Bollocks to cancer, that's all I have to say about that.
And a lot of you will know that Meurig turned 40 last year,
and we weren't able to celebrate because of everything going on.
So I wanted to get everyone together for a big piss-up, yes?
ALL CHEER
But also, well, to say thank you to Meurig.
My husband, my school sweetheart.
SOMEONE WOLF-WHISTLES
For everything.
Aww.
That's lovely, isn't it?
I love you.
Aww!
OK.
Right, let's get pissed, shall we?
CHEERING
Thank you. Cheers.
MUSIC: I'm Coming Home by Tom Jones
Come on.
It's our song.
Don't show me up.
Just hold me.
What did you say to Leigh, then?
He reckons you were upset.
I told him I thought you were cheating on me.
What?
Are you? Having an affair?
What sort of question is that? Or is it me?
Because if it is...
..I get it.
I really do.
You stayed because I was sick,
because what kind of man would you have been
to have walked out?
Now I'm not.
So you can go, if that's what you want.
You've lost the plot. Meurig... You have.
..you can barely look at me, let alone touch me.
Huh?
What's happening to us?
Oh!
I think you should stay at your mum's for a bit.
What's that supposed to mean?
I think you've fallen out of love with me.
No.
I think we're over. We are not over. Can you just go?
Please.
Just... Just go.
It's not you.
SHE SIGHS
I can't...
Can't what? What can't you do, Meurig?!
I can't have sex. Because of me?
Because I'm impotent.
What did you just say?
Since the diabetes...
What's the diabetes got to do with anything?
They think it's linked with vessels or nerve damage or something...
Who thinks this? The doctor!
Jesus, Ffion, I'm trying to tell you.
You're impotent?
Wait, hang on.
You let me think it was me for all this time?
I asked and I asked you and I begged you to tell me what was wrong,
and you said nothing.
I know. Have you got any idea
of the crap that's been going round my head
for the last 18 months?!
Is he...
Is he bored of me?
Should I try a new technique? Like, buy sexier underwear?
And the whole time, you knew!
Oh, my God.
You knew!
What was I supposed to say?
I was ashamed.
This isn't meant to happen to men my age.
I didn't know what to do.
Look at us.
No tits, no cock.
I used to love sex.
Shagging you.
In the beginning.
Then you wake up one day and it's two kids and a mortgage
and a job and a life... A big, full life,
and it all becomes routine.
Just something you do.
And why didn't you say something?
If that's how you felt?
Because that's...that's what I've missed.
The routine sex, the scheduled sex,
the...the Saturday morning sex with my husband.
Just lying there with you.
You, Meurig.
I've missed YOU.
I'm right here.
Yeah, but you haven't been, have you?
Not really.
Not for a long while now.
That's all going to change.
Oh, right?
I'm on a trial, a clinical trial at the hospital, for a pill. What?
It's a new drug... What? ..to treat... What are you talking about?
It's a clinical trial.
What? A clinical trial? Yeah.
Are you ser...? How have you kept all this from me, huh?
I'm meant to be your wife.
I didn't want to tell you until I knew it was going to work.
I didn't want to worry you.
What?! I've had one dose, and nothing.
But it could have been a placebo.
And next time, hopefully, it's the real thing.
And if it works, it's going to make everything normal again.
It's going to make everything better.
Ffion...
..please talk to me.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking, God...
..I want you inside me.
HE CHUCKLES QUIETLY
He hath risen!
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Peet.
Are you drunk?
Blasted blotto, I am.
Bloody hell, where've you been?
With the boozer, down the... With the boys down the boozer.
HE LAUGHS
Right.
I haven't had friends since school.
Did you drive? No, I got a taxi.
Come here.
Oh, God, you stink.
I love you, darling.
OK, that's nice. I love you too. Now let's get you to bed. Nooo...
Listen to me, Alys.
It worked.
It really worked.
It's going to be OK now, me and you.
We're going to be OK.
How's that feeling?
Good. Not too tight.
Let's hope this is the one.
Best of luck.
CLOCK TICKS
MUSIC: Moving On Up by M People
# Just who do you think you are?
# Take it like a man, baby
# If that's what you are
# Cos I'm movin' on up
# You're movin' on out
# Movin' on up
# Nothing can stop me
# Movin' on up... #
Oh, yeah!
# Movin' on up
# Nothing can stop me
# Movin' on up
# You're movin' on out
# Time to break free
# Nothing can stop me
# Movin' on up, movin' on up, movin' on up
# Movin' on up
# You're movin' on out
# Movin' on up
# Nothing can stop me
# Movin' on up
# You're movin' on out
# Time to break free
# Nothing can stop me
# Movin'
# Time to break free
# Nothing can stop me. #
SHE SWITCHES VACUUM CLEANER OFF
What's the matter?
You look weird.
It works.
Get off?
For the final stage of the trial,
we'll be sending you home with a number of tablets
and we'll be asking you to keep a diary
to record your sexual experiences.
I'm no Dylan Thomas, doc.
It's a tick-box diary.
Very simple.
One a day. No more, no less.
No placebos this time.
Just the real thing.
Thank you.
You're like Father Christmas, you are.
Diary!
Thank you.
Before we give you any pills,
we just want to double-check some of our data with you.
On your first visit, you told us that you achieved an erection.
Yeah, that's right.
Miracle, it was.
Then this morning, you took the second and final hospital dose,
which also... Stiff as a board.
This is a printout of the radiometric data from both sessions.
The stress analysis shows that, in fact,
you did not achieve an erection on either day.
Well, it's wrong.
With all clinical trials,
it's really important that patients are honest.
I was honest.
This isn't easy.
I get that.
But the truth is that not 100% of medicines are effective
for 100% of people, 100% of the time.
Eddie?
Three meetings, they called this week.
Oh, and then Carla starts running her gums...
Oh, Carla doesn't know her arse from her elbow.
I know that, but she's deputy head,
so I've got to sit there and pretend I'm listening, and then...
Look, I was back up at the hospital today. What, for the trial?
I didn't want to say anything in case it didn't work. Did it work?
Yes. Tommy, bloody hell, why didn't you say?
There's me banging on about Carla. How was it?
How do you feel? I don't know.
They gave me some of the tablets to use at home.
Are you joking? No.
Well, where are they now? At the house.
Then what are we doing here? Rhys, Rhys, Rhys, wait a minute.
I thought maybe we could, you know, make a night of it.
Go out and have a nice meal, like a proper date.
Oh, what, do you want to wear white on your wedding day and all?
I think that ship sailed a very long time ago.
Well, come on, we'll go out.
We'll go to Vivaldi's.
And then I can take advantage of you.
RHYS LAUGHS
Hello. Hello. All right?
Hello.
Peet? In here, love.
What's all this? Presents for you.
And an apology from me for being...
Well, you know, but that was before.
Things are going to be different now.
Go on, open them.
Don't look so scared.
They're business cards.
And if you turn them over,
there's a little picture of a dildo on the back.
Very funny.
Do you like them? Yeah, I love them. They're fab.
Thank you. Don't forget that one.
PILLS RATTLE
What's this?
Oh. No placebos.
Just the real thing.
That's what they said.
I thought you'd be pleased. No, I am. I am. Yeah, that's great.
Do you want to..?
I've got to put the shopping away.
Tonight, then.
We'll have a nice dinner before, is it?
Yeah. Yeah, OK.
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
ENGINE STARTS
HE COUGHS
HE COUGHS AGAIN
HE SPLUTTERS
Eddie?
The nurse said she couldn't tell me anything, patient confidentiality.
But I'm glad I came because whatever's going on,
this is not the answer.
Didn't work.
Clearly. No, the tablets.
They didn't work. Nothing has.
But you said... I know what I said.
I've been lying through my teeth.
This is the first time you've done anything like this?
Yes.
What was going through your bloody head?
I just...
I don't know how I'll ever look the boys in the eye again,
anyone in the eye, knowing what I am.
I'm a weak man.
Half a man.
You know, I was lying there watching that porn
and those men pumping away,
not a bloody worry in the world.
And I can't do that, can I?
I can't compete with that.
And I just felt...
I felt so, um...
Inadequate. Yeah.
It's not just me, though, is it?
You know, I promised her that this was going to work.
It was going to fix me, finally.
But all I'm doing is letting her down again and again and again.
Do you love her? Of course I do.
And does she love you?
Yeah.
"Why can't you just pee out of it and be happy?"
That's what she said to me when this all started.
Well, there you are, then.
Yeah, if you believe that.
I met Catrin when I was 19.
We were married at 21, and I was impotent by the age of 39.
What do they say - life begins at 40?
Well, I thought mine was over.
My marriage, my life, everything.
But it wasn't true.
And those years we had together, after...
They were the best we ever had.
And then she died.
She was taken away.
And I would have given anything, anything...
..to have had more time with her.
Well, you've got that time.
Don't go throwing it away now over this,
because I'm telling you,
I know for a fact, you haven't got to.
So what do I do?
Go back.
Finish the trial.
If the tablets work at all, great.
If not, que sera, sera.
Or, as my lovely mother would put it, fuck 'em all.
HE LAUGHS
Here.
Ta.
MOANING
Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.
Hey, over that way a bit.
No, no, no.
I've got to get ready for work, that's all.
I just need to do this.
Why didn't you tell me all this before?
I'm meant to be your best mate.
It's not something you want to shout about, is it?
So these pills, they do the trick?
But?
MEURIG SIGHS
Oh, I don't know.
I thought that getting it up again would solve everything,
that me and Ffi, we'd go back to like it was before all this,
before she got sick.
It feels like I was failing her before when I couldn't...
And now I can, I'm failing her all over again.
What would you do if you were me?
I don't know, mate. Please!
Lee, if I don't fix this,
I'm going to lose her.
Bloody hell, mate, what would I know?
What did you do before?
You know, before all this.
I don't know, go out...
..on a date.
I'd cook her a curry.
We'd have a laugh.
Well, do that, then. Have a laugh.
Stop trying to have sex.
Sod that.
And for God sakes talk to her.
That's what I'd do.
I'd talk to her.
And I'd listen.
I'd listen to every word that ever came out of her mouth
and I'd never get bored of it.
How long have you been in love with her?
It's not me she wants.
It's you.
So don't piss it all up the wall now.
Come on.
KNOCK AT DOOR
HE SIGHS
Oh...
Hang on a sec. Sorry!
Ah. Sticky door.
Hello, Colin.
Teresa.
Come in.
Mm!
It is funny, innit, how we can talk for hours
on the phone and here we are,
not sure what to say to each other.
It's been a long time since I entertained.
Entertained?
I hoped we were courting.
I thought you'd take one look at me and run a mile.
You're handsome.
Strapping.
You too.
Oh, I mean, not strapping...
..like a bloke.
Lithe.
Like a...
A woman.
Why don't we get the dishes out the way and get down to it?
Down to it?
Dive straight in.
21 across.
Painting.
Oh, which would make five down...
BOTH: Gammon.
SHE GIGGLES
A, M...
RECORD PLAYS
I love this one.
# Once upon a time there was a tavern
# Where we used to raise a glass... #
Come on. Dance with me.
Get off, don't be daft!
Come on.
Are we courting or what?
# Think of all the great things we would do... #
That's it.
# Those were...
And round. # ..the days, my friend
# We thought they'd never end
# We'd sing and dance forever and a day... #
Oh, hello.
Oh, Colin.
You're...
BOTH: Tumescent.
THEY GROAN
TERESA LAUGHS
Oh!
I'm all out of puff.
You're not the only one!
Hey!
Hey, what's the matter?
Or was it me?
Was I terrible?
No!
You... You were perfect.
It was perfect.
It's nothing.
Well, it's obviously something.
After Catrin, I...
I thought that was it. I thought...
I thought I'd be alone forever.
But it doesn't have to be like that, does it?
No, it doesn't have to be.
I mean, I miss John.
I still do.
I miss him dearly.
But he would want me to be happy.
And that is how I feel right now with you.
Happy.
Well, it wasn't in here...
For his 40th. We sat over there. You had the carbonara.
I didn't. Hello, Tommy!
All right... Evening.
Usual table, Tommy?
Yeah, usual table. Thank you.
The night Tracy fell into a bush?
No, that was New Year's Eve.
Hello, Tommy.
Hello.
Well, I'll do the intros, shall I?
I'm Rhys. Dylan.
Well, nice to meet you, Dylan.
Nice to meet you.
Well...
Have a good night.
Yeah.
Who's that, then?
DOOR CLOSES
What's all this?
Making a curry.
Smells all right.
Not sure how it tastes, mind.
Where are the kids?
At your mam's. They're staying over.
What? They've got school tomorrow.
They're all packed and ready to go.
She'll drop them off in the morning.
I thought we could have a night together.
Why?
Why not?
It's what we used to do.
I've been to Blockbuster and everything. Erm...
Jurassic Park.
It was either that or Schindler's List,
but apparently it's a bit of a downer.
There's some cans in the fridge.
You want one?
I'm all right for the minute.
Yeah, me too. I'm all right.
Do you want me to get the plates out?
Yeah, if you like.
OK.
ROARING ON TV
SOUNDTRACK CUTS OUT
Oh, I think it's chewed the bloody tape.
Oh, my God.
It has and all.
It's... It's chewed the whole thing!
Ffion, we'll get fined for this. FFION LAUGHS
My name'll be mud down that Blockbuster now.
Are you serious?!
Right. LAUGHING: What?
You think it's funny, do you?
Eh?
Oh, my God, no, no, no!
Stop! I'll get you!
I'll get you...
THEY LAUGH
Mm...
Where are they, the pills?
In the bathroom. Go and get them.
Go on.
QUIET GASPING
Is that OK?
SHE MOANS
BREATHLESS: I'm going to...take...
Is it...?
Is it OK?
SHE MOANS
You're so beautiful.
SHE GASPS, MOANS
I love you so much.
I love you.
SHE GASPS, MOANS
CAN SPRAYS
You ready, then?
HE EXHALES
Carpe diem, Peetham Shah.
Oh! OK.
No... Sorry.
HE MOANS QUIETLY
HE GRUNTS, GASPS
HE MOANS QUIETLY
BOTH GASP
Oh, Peet. Mm-hm? Peet, stop. Oh! HE GRUNTS
What's...what's...what's wrong?
I don't want to.
I thought I could, but I can't.
Oh, did it hurt? No.
What is it, then?
It's because I don't love you any more.
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
No. I'm not having this.
We've been married 18 years.
We've got a house, a mortgage. We're going to Torremolinos in July.
It's already paid for. You should have said something sooner.
Is there...? Is there someone else? No.
It's just that I'm that repulsive to you?!
You're not repulsive, Peet. You're not. We...
It's like we've become more friends. We're not friends!
Alys, we're married! You're my wife.
This is those parties, this is.
You haven't been the same since you started all of that,
rubbing it in my face... Oh, my God! ..embarrassing me! Look!
Those parties have got nothing to do with you!
And I'm not divorcing you because I hosted one Ann Summers party!
What did you say?!
You're divorcing me?!
Yes.
I'm sorry.
Uh... Uh...
Friends. Friends!
God's sake!
Absolutely unbelievable.
"Just want to be friends."
Friends!
HE SCOFFS
CAR HORN HONKS
HORNS HONK
HORN HONKS
CAR HORNS BLARE
What?! What do you want?!
INDISTINCT YELLING
CAR HORN BLARES
SIREN CHIRPS
Stop where you are!
I didn't... I didn't... Calm down!
I don't know what... I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
POLICE RADIO CHATTER
SEAGULLS CRY
I've been thinking about it all night.
Just go in there and insist, absolutely,
that you're married.
Well, what if he has to see a marriage certificate or something?
What do I do then? Well, tell him you'll get it,
that you moved house not long ago and it got lost,
so you'll have to phone the council and they'll have to send you a copy,
and all of that takes time.
By which time, the trial will be over.
Well, it's the only way he won't kick you off.
If you just say...
You can come through now.
I'm sorry to have to...
If I could just explain for a minute...
There are protocols. Not my protocols...
If you just give me a sec.
We've been together now,
me and Rhys, for over 20 years.
But it's only really friends and family that know,
what with Rhys being a teacher and Section 28 and whatnot, you know,
it just seems easier to...
..tell people what they want to hear.
I understand,
and...I wish it didn't have to be like this.
Have sex with whoever you want, I couldn't care less.
But you did lie...to me...
..and I have to protect the integrity of the trial.
You're right.
I did mislead you. I lied.
I'm a liar. I'm a brilliant liar.
You won't find a better one than me.
And do you know why?
Because I've had to, my whole life, just to get by.
School, college,
work, medical trials.
I wish it wasn't that way, I really do, but it is.
It is.
And I don't expect you to understand,
because you've never had to apologise for walking into a room
and just being who you are.
You'll never know what that's like.
See, all I ever wanted from this drug was a chance to feel
a bit more normal, that's all.
And for a while there...
..I did.
But if you think I'm going to sit here,
beg and grovel and apologise for just being me...
..then you're wrong.
I'm not...
I'm not going to do that.
You're right.
You shouldn't.
But I do now need your tablets back.
Have you got them with you? No, I haven't got them.
I've left them...at home.
Tommy, please.
I'm going to need you to hand them over to me.
Look, this isn't the end of the road.
If the trial is a success,
there will be others.
With a fair wind, before long,
you should be able to buy it on the open market.
When are we talking, Doctor?
Weeks? Months?
Years?
It will be years.
They can't just throw you off.
Well, they did.
What, because you're gay?
Because I lied.
But because you're gay!
Afternoon.
Yes, because I'm gay.
Oh, sod that!
I'll go round the hospital right now and I'll tell Moira...
Look, Rhys! Rhys! Rhys! Rhys!
It's not Moira's fault.
She's only ever tried to help us.
I'm sorry...
..it didn't work out.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Why are you saying sorry to me?
I told you it doesn't matter,
and I meant it.
All that matters is you and me.
OK?
You're the love of my life!
And if I could marry you, I would.
Well...
..that's never going to happen, is it? Oh!
No, Rhys!
People around, man.
Oh, fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em!
They don't tell you what's going on. I don't know.
Hey, here he is! Al Capone.
Oh! You daft twat!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! All right, all right!
All right, all right, all right, all right.
Come on. Hey, come on.
Come on. Here we are. All right.
Get in the car. Come on. In you go.
So what happens now?
We get divorced, I suppose.
Those pills are cursed.
They've ruined my life.
At least they worked for you.
Took three of the buggers last night
and still soft as Mr Whippy in June.
I thought you said... Nah, nah, nah, nah.
They never did the trick in the end.
Not quite.
Still, dab hand with the old fingers,
so it's not all doom and gloom.
Oh, my God!
LAUGHTER
What about you?
How did it go with, er...? Teresa.
Aye, not bad.
HE LAUGHS
You sly old fox!
I ended up telling her about the tablets,
and I thought she might do a runner.
But she loved it. Wants to buy shares in Pfizer.
And I'm thinking of asking her to move in.
I was thinking maybe we could get a little place of our own.
Down by the sea, perhaps.
Good for you!
Me and Alys, we've been living on borrowed time for years.
If I'm being honest, I knew that -
deep down.
Maybe it's a blessing...somehow.
Maybe we can both be happy now.
She deserves to be happy.
So, those tablets you two have got,
you won't be needing them now? All right, Casanova.
Bloody hell! Don Juan over here.
Right, anyone for another cuppa?
Aye. I need a wazz.
Hey, you didn't say nothing to the boys about the...?
Of course I didn't.
You going to be all right? Aye, aye, I'll be fine.
You're not going to do anything stupid again, are you?
If I do, you'll be the first one I call.
No, but do. Call me.
Any time, day or night.
We've got to keep talking. It's the only way.
And bollocks to all this pretending, all right?
The lying.
You're enough.
We're enough.
Just as we are.
How'd you get so bloody wise?
I remember Catrin used to say to me,
"I know what the meaning of life is, Col.
"We're all just walking each other home."
She was right.
That's all we're doing.
Just walking each other home.
Hey!
Do you, er...?
Do you want me to come with you?
What for?
I don't know.
To say thank you to the doctors?
You daft sod.
Well, I am.
I am thankful.
They've given me my husband back.
Eurgh!
That's disgusting!
Mum! Dad!
See you later.
Hello, Jean. Hello, Martin.
# Oh
# Oh, baby
# Yeah
# Ooh, yeah
# Now don't get me wrong
# Ain't gonna do you no harm
# No, this bomb's for loving
# And you can shoot it far
# I'm your main target
# Come and help me ignite Ow!
# Lovestruck, me holding you tight
# Hold me tight, darling
# Make me explode
# Although you know
# The route to go to sex me slow Slow
# And, yes, I must react
# To claims of those
# Who say that you are not all that Ha-ha-ha!
# Sexbomb, sexbomb
# Well You're my sexbomb
# You can give it to me when I need to come along
# Sexbomb, sexbomb
# Yeah You're my sexbomb
# And baby, you can turn me on
# Turn me on, darling
# Sexbomb, sexbomb Uh-huh
# You're my sexbomb Sexbomb
# And you can give it to me when I need to come along
# Sexbomb, sexbomb Huh
# You're my sexbomb
# And baby, you can turn me on Ha-ha-ha!
# You can give me more and more Counting up the score
# Yeah
# You can turn me upside down and inside out... #