-Hey, what about these germaphobes?
Downloaded from YTS.MX
They can't shake your hand.
They got to give you the fist bump.
You know what I do? I grabbed their fist,
I hold it my armpit for a count of six.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Come on. [ Laughter ]
Dolby, come on.
The whole show's gonna be like this.
The whole show.
Other comics use gimmicks like ability, timing,
good material, talent, whatever.
None of that stuff in my show.
The whole thing -- pure panic.
Come on. My whole act is a side effect of Moderna.
Let's party.
[ Laughter ]
If I took medication, I would take Prozac,
Paxil, Zoloft all at the same time.
Just walk around super-antidepressed.
[ Snapping fingers ]
"How do you feel, Greg? "Hip, hip, hooray!"
[ Laughter ]
High-five myself. No friends. There it is.
Coming back. Don't leave me hanging.
I got me.
Party horn.
[ Imitates horn blaring ]
[ Snaps fingers, imitates horn blaring ]
[ Snaps fingers ] Get it, man?
That's the paper thing on the horn.
[ Imitates horn blaring ]
[ Laughter ]
I write these jokes myself.
Not too good.
I'm my own writer, my own agent, my own manager,
my own financial advisor.
I'm driving the Greg Hahn empire into the ground!
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
Uh, have we started yet? All right, here we go.
Hot crowd, hot crowd, hot crowd.
Headbutt. Oh! A lot of stability out there.
A lot of stable people. You know, couples, married people.
Compare that to me.
I travel around like a circus freak!
Never married, no kids. I date girls half my age.
You end up faced with yourself in the mirror like,
"What are you?
Some kind of a genius?!
Whoo!
How am I pulling this off? I'm 87."
[ Laughter, applause ]
I don't have money to raise a kid.
I'm gonna need that cash for hair dye and a new Corvette.
Come on.
[ Laughter ]
I'm shifting the Vette. Don't call 911.
I'm shifting the Vette.
Corvette convertible. Toupee flies off.
Boom. Spare toupee. Bang.
[ Laughter ]
All right.
[ Snapping fingers ]
I'm gonna find a wife tonight!
God, I wish I was out there to see this right now.
I'm on fire! I'm on fire!
I'm gonna sign a sitcom deal after this show.
I'm gonna be rich. All right.
I got to get out of here, everybody. Thanks so much.
Come on. Let's get this party rocking.
What a crowd. What a night.
Dolby Theatre. Hollywood.
Are you ready?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Without any further ado,
please welcome Louis C.K.
Come on.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause continues ]
-Thank you.
[ Clears throat ]
All right, hello, there.
-Hey! [ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Laughing ] Hey.
Okay.
All right. I'm gonna talk to you for about an hour.
And it's weird here. It's weird, what I do.
Somebody asked me once if it takes confidence
to -- Nobody asked me, but I just wanted
to talk about this.
If it takes...
[ Laughter ]
It does take confidence to do this.
It takes a -- not a general confidence, but a specific kind.
You know? There's lots of kinds of confidence.
There's personal confidence.
I don't have much of that. That's...
Personal confidence is like a man wearing white pants.
That takes, you know...
tremendous confidence
and optimism, really...
[ Laughter ]
...to leave the house in white pants
like it's gonna be a great day.
There's gonna be no puddles or pizza, nothing.
[ Laughter ]
I could never wear white pants
because I'll get my period, first of all. I know that.
[ Laughter ]
Or diarrhea, more likely.
[ Laughter ]
Which is -- That's really my period. Diarrhea.
About once a month, I'm like, "Oh, fuck, here we go."
[ Laughter ]
"Better just get home.
And don't make any big decisions today."
[ Laughter ]
It's true. Don't make --
You know, if you have diarrhea, don't, like, negotiate.
It's a bad bargaining position.
If I have diarrhea, you stand between me and the toilet,
I'll sell you my house for 10 cents.
[ Laughter ]
So that's one kind of confidence.
Here's another kind -- moral confidence.
Moral confidence. That means knowing that you would
do the right thing,
knowing that you wouldn't do something wrong.
Moral confidence.
You can have that in your daily life
because a lot of your days are the same.
But what if you were in another time?
Like, I would love to believe,
I feel confident that I would not have had slaves.
I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have done it.
I wouldn't have had any.
Even if I lived in 17-whatever in Virginia
and all my neighbors had slaves,
I would have been like, "You guys are dicks."
[ Laughter ]
I can say that.
But it's easy to say that now because you can't get no slaves.
You just can't -- You can't get any.
That's why you don't have slaves.
It's not because you're better than back-then people.
It's because they're not available.
That's a huge contributing factor.
It's not a decision you need
to make every day, like you're carrying your groceries.
"Ah, fuck. Maybe I should -- No, no, I better not.
But, geez, it would be easier."
[ Laughter ] Because they're not there.
It's not like they have slaves at Home Depot.
I mean, they kind of do, but, yeah...
[ Laughter ]
...there are some forms
of kind of slavery.
You can get a Russian woman
to do whatever you want because her family's hostage.
That's one of them.
But that's still temporary.
I mean, you could -- You could adopt, like,
a 12-year-old from Bangladesh and...
[ Laughter ]
I mean, really. He'll move into your house
and do your laundry and suck your dick, whatever you want.
But even he gets to leave when he's 18.
[ Laughter ]
Although who wants them when they're that old?
I'm just saying. Excuse me.
I'm just saying...
[ Laughter ]
...that slavery gets rebranded,
but it doesn't really ever totally go away.
I mean, it's been part of human history going way back,
way back, slavery.
Even the earliest civilizations in Mesopotamia...
I don't know. I didn't go to college.
I don't know anything.
But the earliest images of human life
already had the guys going, "Uhh!"
and the guy going, "Ahh!
[ Muttering ]"
How early did we come up with this?
Like, from the beginning of human existence,
we evolved, you know, through ideas.
We were a scared, naked ape, and then we were like,
"Make a fire. That's a good idea.
Kill an animal and take his fur.
That's a good idea.
Plant things and then wait.
That's a good idea."
But really quickly we came up with,
"Just make them fucking do it. I'm not doing anything.
I'm doing nothing. Make them fucking do it."
[ Laughter ]
That was, like, our third thing we did on Earth.
[ Laughter ]
So, you can have confidence,
but you got to be a little, you know.
I mean, there's things that people did in history that I
wouldn't have done for sure.
Like, I wouldn't have made an Auschwitz.
I wouldn't have done that.
What am I gonna do with an Auschwitz?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Auschwitz is not one of those where you're like,
"It was the times, you know?" It was...
[ Laughter ]
It was a horrible thing.
Obviously, Auschwitz -- horrible.
They killed people. They killed children.
They killed little children in Auschwitz
who could have grown up and moved to Brooklyn
and hated black people, and they didn't get to do that.
[ Laughter ]
It's terrible. I know.
I had a friend who's a comedian in England,
and he made a joke about Auschwitz.
And he got in a lot of trouble.
It was a big shitstorm.
And at one point, Auschwitz tweeted...
[ Laughter ]
...about his joke.
It's true. It said, "Auschwitz" with a blue check.
So it was like, "Oh, cool. It's really them," you know?
[ Laughter ]
And they tweeted like, "That's not funny."
[ Laughter ]
Why is the death camp tweeting?
[ Laughter ]
Who's running the social accounts at Auschwitz?
"I got a summer job at Auschwitz.
I'm running their Twitter."
[ Laughter ]
Moral confidence.
There's other ways to boost your moral confidence.
Like, you can do good things.
Or, you know -- or not.
You can... [ Laughter ]
You can help people all the time.
You can help homeless people.
There's a lot of homeless people here.
There's a shitload of homeless people here.
I mean, not in here.
There's none in here.
[ Laughs ]
There's zero in here.
That's right.
They can't come in here.
[ Laughter ]
Even with a ticket, they cannot come in here.
They're not allowed in the places where we're allowed.
That's what we all agree on.
Everybody is like, "I don't know what to do about the homeless,
but they're not coming in here. They're not coming in here.
They're outdoor people. They don't have..."
[ Laughter ]
If you don't have your own indoors,
you can't go in other people's indoors.
[ Laughter ]
They can't go where we go.
There's places where you'll never see a homeless person,
like the airport.
There's no homeless people at the airport.
You go to the bus station, they're on the bus beside you.
But at the airport, they can't even get to it.
They can't even get to it.
You've never seen a homeless person in the airport.
You've never been at your gate, and some guy's like, "Hey, man.
Trying to get to Tokyo. Can you help me out?
[ Laughter ]
Can you give me an aisle seat, brother?"
[ Laughter ]
And they're all over the country. Everywhere now.
I've been on tour. I've seen them everywhere.
I was in Phoenix, and it was during the summer. 120 degrees.
And homeless people are just standing at the intersection
with a sign, and they're just [Imitates sizzling]
They're just cooking.
You can't even tell what race he was before it burnt off.
[ Laughter ]
And he's holding a sign that says, "Help. I'm on fire."
[ Laughter ]
But you, you're, like -- You're in a white BMW,
like, "I-I... I can't.
Sorry. There's glass here.
I can't help because of the glass."
[ Laughter ]
And even here, you drive by them.
In New York, you walk right by them.
So in New York, they're right there.
They're in your space, they're in your world.
And you got to make a choice.
Every couple of blocks, you got to make a choice.
You can help or not. You got to keep shooting it.
You got to put a limit on it somewhere because you're
not gonna help all of them and you're not gonna help
any of them, really...
with a few bucks.
But there's always that --
Like, there's a homeless guy who lives --
He doesn't live anywhere, but, I mean, he's...
By definition, he's at large.
[ Laughter ]
But he's often seen.
[ Laughter ]
He's always on the corner by my house.
Same guy every day.
And I walk past him every day
on the way to the store.
I go to the same store every day.
I go to Claire's. I don't know if you know Claire's.
It's a jewelry store for children.
[ Laughter ]
I go there every day.
I buy a handful of scrunchies, and I run home.
Everything else, I buy online.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, when I walk by this homeless guy
in the morning, he always goes,
"Hey, man, can you help me out?"
And I go, "Sure."
I give him 5 bucks, and I go to the store.
Five minutes later, I walk by, and he says,
"Hey, man. Can I --"
He doesn't remember, which is fine,
but I don't want to give him another 5 bucks, you know,
because I only have a few million.
I don't know why. I don't know why.
I clearly should. [ Laughter ]
I don't know what makes me go, "Mm-hmm-hmm.
You had your $5, young man."
[ Laughter ]
What? Am I gonna spoil him?
[ Laughter ]
You know what I was thinking about today?
I was thinking about Jesus.
[ Laughter ]
I was. Today.
I was thinking about Jesus.
And after I came...
[ Laughter ] ...I...
I thought,
"Well, I feel sorry for Jesus." That's how I feel.
I don't know how much you know about Jesus,
but I feel fucking bad for Jesus, man.
I do. He had a hard life.
I mean, the last day was particularly difficult, but...
[ Laughter ]
If you look at pictures of him,
he had to wear that -- that thong,
that fucking just dishrag yanked up his balls.
Just [Groans]
carrying his cross like, "Fuck.
It's the rash."
[ Laughter ]
Some people say you should live like Jesus.
Who can live -- He was insane.
[ Muttering ]
You can't live like that.
He had a weird life. I'm reading about Jesus.
I have this book about Jesus.
[ Laughter ]
I'm gonna share it with you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay.
This is a book about Jesus.
Actually, only this much is about Jesus.
Only that -- just that part.
The rest of it is just the Jews going like, "And then we
walked for 50 years in the desert.
And we only had a little bit of oil.
It was difficult." It's just...
It's fucking verbose.
Just Jews.
It just goes on and on.
"And then Jacob bought a goat, and...
[ Laughter ]
And Abraham lived to be 800."
Yeah, I bet he fucking did, too.
[ Laughter ]
The Jews in the early chapters are all, like, 800 years old.
And then God was like,
"I can't with these fucking Jews for 800 years.
Heart disease starts today."
[ Laughter ]
So that's them.
And that's Jesus.
This little part's Jesus.
And the weird part is, it's not all --
Like, it's all the same story over and over again.
They tell the same story about Jesus' life over.
First Matthew tells it, and then Mark is like,
"Dude, that's not what -- You're fucking drunk.
Here's what happened.
[ Laughter ] I'll tell you what happened.
Hey, Paul. You weren't even here. Shut the fuck up."
[ Laughter ]
And I started reading it because I never read it.
I was raised Catholic.
But they don't encourage you to read, the church.
They don't. They don't want you to read this.
You know? Jews read this shit in Hebrew, and Baptists
sit down, and they read together.
But the Catholics, they want you to come in the building.
They want you to come in, and they tell you.
And you're like, "Can I read it?"
They're like, "No, I'll tell you what happened.
Sorry. Put the book down."
[ Laughter ]
But it's interesting because when you read the stories,
you know, you think of them as lofty, kind of, like,
but some of them are just basic life in Jesus' life.
Okay, here's one.
This is when he turned water into wine.
This is his first miracle. This is John Chapter 2.
Okay? Okay.
"And on the third day,
there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee,
and the mother of Jesus was there.
And both Jesus was called and his disciples to the wedding.
And when they wanted wine,
the mother of Jesus saith unto him,
'They have no wine here.'
[ Laughter ]
And Jesus saith unto her, "Woman,
What have I to do with thee?"
[ Laughter ]
Just life. Mary was a fucking alcoholic.
[ Laughter ] He took her to a wedding.
"There's no fucking wine, Jesus!
What am I supposed to do here without wine?!"
[ Laughter ]
And he's like, "Mom!
Don't!"
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, you know, the rest of the story is that Jesus,
he's at the wedding. They had no wine. The guy --
So Jesus went to the guy running the wedding, and he was like,
"Look in the water barrel." Like that.
Like a closeup magician. "Why don't you take a look?"
[ Laughter ]
"Maybe it's not the Red Queen. Go ahead.
Flip that card over. What do you think?"
Told him to look in the water barrel,
and he looked, and it was wine.
He had turned all their water into wine. Everybody rejoiced.
Except the guy running the wedding was
probably like, "We did need some water."
[ Laughter ]
"It's actually a bigger problem."
[ Laughter ]
I have a feeling a lot of his miracles
were met with mixed...
Like, "Oh. Thanks.
That's great, Jesus.
Fuck."
[ Laughter ]
Like, Lazarus. Lazarus had been dead for four days,
and Jesus comes to town, and he says,
"Lazarus, rise,"
and Lazarus comes out of the tomb like [Groans, coughs]
And Lazarus' wife is like,
"Are you fucking kidding me right now?"
[ Laughter ]
But so, here's a story that I want you to --
I want to read to you.
This story, I've never seen it in a Jesus movie.
This story is not in any movies about Jesus.
And it's not --
I never -- I never -- Until I sat and read this,
I never heard this story...
'cause it's weird.
This is the story of Jesus cursing a fig tree.
Does anybody by applause know of this story?
[ Light applause ] Okay.
That's just enough to make it clear this is true.
I mean, it's not -- Nothing's true in here.
But...
I'm just kidding.
I don't fucking know.
What do I know? I wasn't there.
I'm just trying to make it clear
that I didn't make it up.
[ Laughter ]
They did.
But, anyway, all right, I don't know.
Okay, here's the story.
This is Mark Chapter 11.
It's when Mark went broke.
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
"And Jesus entered into Jerusalem.
And when he had looked around about and seen all things
and the eventide was come,
he went out unto Bethany with the 12."
Bethany was like a -- like a suburb of Jerusalem.
So he went in Jerusalem. You know, you see all the shit
downtown, but you don't stay downtown.
You go to the Marriott by the airport, you know?
That's what Bethany was.
Okay?
"And on the morrow when they'd come from Bethany,
Jesus was hungry, and seeing a fig tree
afar off having leaves,
he came to it, if haply he might find anything thereon.
But when he came to the tree,
he found nothing but leaves,
for the time of figs was not yet.
[ Laughter ]
And Jesus answered and saith unto the tree,
'No man shall eat fruit of thee hereafter
and forever.'
[ Laughter ]
And the disciples heard it.
And in the morning when they passed by,
they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots and dead.
And Peter, calling to remembrance,
saith unto him, 'Master, behold the fig tree
which thou dost cursedst
has withered away and died.'
And Jesus answered and saith unto them,
'Have faith in God.'"
[ Laughter ]
What the fuck kind of a Jesus story is that?
[ Laughter ]
"Hey, Jesus. You killed the tree."
"That's right, motherfucker."
[ Laughter ]
What's the fucking point to this story?
What is the moral?
Jesus just killed a tree. He was hungry.
He was fucking cranky.
He was like, "There's no figs? Fuck you, tree.
You're fucking dead, you piece of shit.
I wanted a fig. You're fucking dead. Watch this."
And the tree's like, "But the time of figs is not yet.
I just -- It's just not yet.
I need another week.
You want fruit out of season,
go to Whole Foods, you fucking Jew.
I didn't do anything."
[ Laughter, applause ]
You can't act like that, man.
You can't act like that.
You walk around acting like that,
folks will nail you to a cross. That's what they'll do.
They will.
You got to fucking cool it, Jesus.
[ Laughter ]
He got a little, you know.
That's really what happened.
He got a little shitty.
A little big, you know. He went to Jerusalem.
That's a big town for a boy from Galilee.
And he didn't just walk into Jerusalem.
He walked in, and his friends were like,
"King of the Jews, y'all!
King of the motherfucking Jews!"
[ Laughter ]
The Jews didn't like that.
The Jews were like, "Not my president. Whatever," you know.
[ Laughter ]
So they nailed him to a cross.
This is what they did. And this --
The weirdest thing to me about Catholicism
and all Christianity is, this image --
This image is the image
of the biggest, most powerful religion.
The cleanest religion.
And it's a fucking dead guy
with nails just, ugh, just blood.
And it's in every polite room in the world.
Every nice, quiet place, there's a fucking Jesus.
And the president and his wife, and they wear pearls,
and then we always go to look at the fucking...
It's just weird 'cause it promotes nicely ideas, like
honor thy mother and thy father,
'cause they die!
Aah!
It's just macabre.
[ Laughter ]
But I love it. I love the image. I love it.
I was raised Catholic my whole life.
I loved this image. I'd stare at it.
Every time I go by a church, if it's open, I go in
'cause I want to see their Jesus.
They all have a different Jesus. They're a little different.
Some of them, he's really suffering.
And some of them, he's just like, "[Clicks tongue]
Oh, well.
[ Chuckles ]
I really got myself in a noodle this time, boy."
[ Laughter ]
Sometimes there's just a cross,
like, "Oh, fuck. Where'd he go?
Jesus got away."
[ Laughter ]
But they're all different.
I was in a Korean church, and I saw a Korean Jesus.
They had a Korean Jesus with the...
[ Laughter ]
Don't get mad. How else would I know?
It was just -- They were cringes.
Uhh! Whatever. Whatever.
[ Laughter ]
Jesus looks different everywhere.
Mostly Jesus has blond hair and blue eyes,
which we know he didn't have, but that's who won everything,
so they get to draw him.
The truth is, Jesus was black.
But you don't see that often, black Jesus.
"Hey, man. Get me the fuck down from here."
Whatever, all right.
[ Laughter ]
But everybody wants Jesus to look like them,
so they make him -- They draw him to look like them.
That's why I don't like that he's always skinny.
Jesus is always rail thin, just fucking "Mm!"
"I've been doing Pilates for months getting ready for this."
It's not fair. You never see a fat Jesus.
I never one time saw, like, just a fat Jesus...
[ Laughter ]
...with, like, ten nails in each hand.
[ Laughter ]
He might have been fat. We don't know.
I'll tell you what Jesus was not,
is Korean.
[ Laughter ]
There's no Koreans in Jerusalem in the year one.
[ Laughter ]
But I was raised Catholic, and I ended up walking away from that
'cause I didn't like it. You know why?
'Cause they tell you you're going to hell.
And they tell little kids that.
You're 5 years old,
and the church, with all its majesty
and all the buildings and the clothes,
they go up to a 5-year-old, and they're like,
"Oh, you're going to hell.
Oh, yeah.
You're going right to hell."
And you're 5, and you're like, "What did I do?"
And the church is like,
"You know what you did, you piece of shit."
[ Laughter ]
And you're going to full hell, too.
There's no kids' hell, you understand?
You're going right to the show.
If you're 5 years old, you steal a crayon from your sister,
and then you lie about it, you get hit by a truck,
you're roommates with Hitler.
There's no difference. There's no difference.
They take you in a room, and they're pouring hot lead
into Hitler's asshole.
He's like, "Aaaahhh!"
Nein!"
And then you walk in. They're like,
"All right, step up. It's your turn."
[ Laughter ]
Hitler's like, "Oh!
Good luck, little fella."
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
Poor Hitler, man.
I mean, at this point,
he's been down there for 75 years.
He's probably nice now.
[ Laughter ]
Hitler's probably nice to newcomers in hell, you know?
"Hi! Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty bad.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
What's that? Oh, yeah. Okay."
[ Laughter, applause ]
I was so scared of hell when I was a kid.
I remember when I found out that gay people go to hell,
according to the church,
and I got scared 'cause I'm not gay,
but what if God thinks I'm gay?
[ Laughter ]
What if I come off a little queer to the Lord?
[ Laughter ]
What if he happens to glance at me
when I hit my toe and I'm like, "Ow!"?
He's like, "Oh, I know where you're going, you faggot."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, that's their thing. I don't believe that.
God doesn't hate you 'cause you're gay.
God made you gay 'cause he hates you.
[ Laughs ]
No. I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding. There's no God.
[ Laughter ]
But you know who I feel sorry for?
Who I really feel sorry for
is a gay man's sperm.
Just think about that.
That's a tough destiny.
[ Laughter ]
Being a sperm inside of a gay man, that's hard luck.
'Cause if you're gay, that's great.
But your sperm is not gay.
Your sperm is just excited,
like, "We're next, fellas. Here we go."
[ Laughter ]
[ Imitates rocket lift-off ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
"Is that shit right there?"
[ Laughter ]
"Who shit in this chick's pussy?"
[ Laughter ]
Now...
I was thinking about my life today.
I was thinking about, like, when I grew up, and....
I was raised in an orphanage
about a block from my parents' house.
And...
[ Laughter ]
It's a joke.
My father is Mexican.
And my -- -Whoo-hoo!
-Mm-hmm. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yes. Six of you here.
[ Laughter ]
My father's Mexican, my mother is dead,
so I'm half dead on my mom's side,
and I'm half Mexican.
A lot of people don't believe I'm Mexican.
When I tell them I'm Mexican, they say stupid things.
They say things like, "How can you look like that?"
What do you mean, "how"? Like, I'm trying to,
like, "Look, I'm not Mexican.
No. I'm not Mexican at all."
Then I get a home, like, "Señor."
[ Laughter ]
My parents, they got divorced when I was about 10.
And I have kids now,
and their parents are divorced, also.
And...
...I remember when we told our kids
about that we were gonna divorce.
If you get divorced, you should tell your children.
[ Laughter ]
So we had to do it carefully
'cause they were 5 and 2 years old at the time.
So we had to put it in a way that they could comprehend.
So I remember we sat them down.
And I said, "Okay, listen, you know how you love your dog?
You love your dog.
Like, sometimes you give your dog food from your plate.
You're not supposed to, but you do that
'cause you love your dog.
Remember the other day your mom and I were like,
'Don't give the dog any ham,'
but you did 'cause you love your dog?
Okay, so that's why we're getting a divorce.
[ Laughter ]
Because you don't listen.
[ Laughter ]
And we just can't take it anymore.
It's just too hard to not be listened to.
So we're gonna move to separate homes
and each have you for half the week
'cause neither of us wants to have you all the time anymore.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, and it's very sad because I love your mother
very, very much.
And she loves me so much.
But we hate you more."
[ Laughter ]
That's how we handled it.
You do your best, you know?
That's all you can do with your kids. Do your best.
Nobody fucking knows right from wrong.
When I was a kid, they just taught us things
to just try to keep us to just shut the fuck up.
Our morals were just, "Shut the fuck up."
[ Laughter ]
Things like "slow and steady wins the race."
They taught us that.
"Slow and steady wins the race."
Really? Does it win the race?
[ Laughter ]
You know what beats slow and steady?
Fast and steady
kicks the shit out of slow and steady.
Slow and steady beats old and retarded.
That's about it.
Stop telling that to kids.
[ Laughter ]
A lot of what they teach kids is just to make them polite people.
You know? Like, they teach them
that there's words you shouldn't use.
There's bad words. Don't use the bad words.
I can't teach my kids that
because I do this for a living.
But I didn't want my kids to be, you know, assholes.
So I used to tell them, like, "Okay, look,
there's no bad words. There's no bad words.
All words are good, bad, nothing.
But there's some people that get upset
when you use certain words.
So if you're gonna use those words, look at the person first
and try to guess if they're that kind of person."
[ Laughter ]
Sometimes you can offend somebody
when you weren't even trying to.
Like, there's certain -- certain phrases,
certain statements that if you're gonna say them,
you should say them without stopping in the middle.
Certain things, if you're gonna say them,
don't clear your throat in the middle.
Okay? You don't want to say things like,
There are too many black people...
[Clears throat]
suffering from discrimination."
[ Laughter ]
"We need to stop the Jews...
[Clears throat]
from feeling excluded."
[ Laughter ]
"I once fucked a baby...
[Clears throat]
and then I fucked him again."
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ] No.
So you want to get through that one.
Otherwise, people get the wrong idea.
They'll think you only fucked that baby once.
[ Laughter ]
But it's tricky, you know. If you're trying to teach
your kids right from wrong, you got to choose a side often
because not everybody agrees on what's right and wrong.
So how do you know? You know? Like abortion.
Some people think it's murder. Some people don't.
I personally -- I think people
should get abortions, like, a lot.
Like, as many as you can.
You should try to get a lot of abortions.
You know why? 'Cause it creates jobs.
More abortions, more jobs for the doctors
and the nurses and the Dumpster guy.
Everybody gets a job. They have to work.
How are they gonna feed their kids if you don't kill yours?
It's a whole -- It's -- You got to think of everybody.
[ Laughter ]
Abortion is a big topic, of course,
because Roe v. Wade was overturned.
Roe vs. Wade.
Of course, we all know what this is.
This was a court case.
Roe was a woman who wanted an abortion,
and Wade was the baby, I guess. I don't know.
[ Laughter ] I don't know.
I'm just assuming. I never found out who Wade was.
Wade must have been the baby. Anyway...
[ Laughter ]
But now that we don't have that, every state has
to come up with their own law based on how people feel.
They have to listen to people and see how they feel.
I think most Americans feel on average
the same thing about abortion. They feel like people
should be able to get abortions if they need them,
but, you know, just, uh, keep it down a little bit. That's all.
Just...
Just go ahead, but, you know, come on, come on.
You know, do it, but don't be like, "Whoo-hoo-hoo!"
Like, just, you know.
[ Laughter ]
So we need a law that covers that, that keeps it available,
but limits it. Here's what I think
we should do. Let's make this law.
You can get an abortion anytime, anywhere.
But if you get an abortion,
you have to eat it. I think that's fair.
Because that'll keep it -- That'll make you, "Hmm.
Fuck. I gotta eat it?
[ Laughter ]
[ Sighs ] I better do it soon."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Just trying to make everybody happy, you know?
[ Laughter ]
Some -- Some Catholics believe
that contraception is murder.
They think if you wear a condom,
if you stop a sperm from getting to an egg,
you killed a possible baby.
By that logic, I could say that any woman
that won't fuck me is a murderer.
[ Laughter ]
Let me tell you, there's a bunch
of murdering bitches out there.
But...
...murder is a weird law structure.
Also, that is not a sentence. Didn't make any sense, but...
murder should be simple because it's a binary crime.
You kill somebody, or you don't. They're alive, or they're dead.
It's one or the other. But --
But the laws around murder are a little murky.
One person could kill somebody, get 100 years.
Somebody else gets 20. Why? What's the difference?
Here's what they base your sentence on with murder.
They base it on how you felt when you murdered them.
That's weirdly important.
They say, "Okay, you shot him in the face.
But what was up with you, man? Like, what was going on?
[ Laughter ] Like, come on."
I think if you murder somebody,
your sentence should be based on how old the person
was that you murdered.
That should matter. How much of their life did you take away?
Like, if you see a 3-year-old girl in the park,
and you just kick her to death...
[ Laughter ]
[ Sighs ]
It's a hypothetical. Fucking grow up.
It's a hypothetical.
I'm not asking you to go do that.
I'm just asking you to just really imagine
just kicking a 3-year-old till she's dead.
[ Laughter ]
All right.
If you kill a 3-year-old, you should do a lot of time.
You should do a lot of time.
Unless she's got, like, diabetes.
You got to work it all in. But...
But what if...
What if you kill somebody who's, like, 98?
He's 98, and he's, like, in a hospice.
He's not even good 98.
He's in hosp-- You know what hospice is?
It's like a hospital where they don't try to help you.
[ Laughter ]
And say there's a guy, and he's, like, 98 in a hospice.
He's got -- He's got cancer
and AIDS and COVID.
[ Laughter ]
And he's like [Groans]
And they just unplugged him. He's [Groans]
And right then, you walk in...
[ Imitates gunshots ]
[ Laughter ]
...shoot him right in the face.
You should get, like, five minutes for that.
[ Laughter ]
I was thinking about that today. I was.
'Cause I'm going to see my dad next week.
And my dad -- Let me tell you something.
Okay? My father is not in a hospice.
My dad is in a facility being kept alive.
For whose benefit? I don't get it.
It's just he's [Groans]
And they just put food in and pbht and just...
"Come on! Keep going!"
Like, what does he have -- a secret he hasn't told yet?
[ Laughter ]
'Cause, look, my mom just died.
She just died.
That's how it works. By the way,
for you young people, here's how life goes.
One of your parents is gonna die,
and the other one is just never gonna fucking die.
[ Laughter ]
They just will never fucking die.
Ever.
And guess what. It's not the one you wanted.
[ Laughter ]
Nope.
It's not the one you wish to have kept.
It's not your good parent.
Nobody's got two good parents.
You have a nice one and a shitty one.
And the nice one just dies
'cause that's what nice people do.
"I'll just die. I don't want to bother everybody."
[ Laughter ]
And the shitty one just hangs in there.
[ Coughs ]
[ Wheezing ]
"Oh, shit.
Another day of this."
Why? What the fuck for, the long life?
You can live too long, I think.
You can live too long.
Some people are 100. Get the fuck out of here.
[ Laughter ]
Nobody knows you.
[ Laughter ]
What, are you gonna run into somebody? "Hey!"
[ Laughter ]
Some people are even older. Some people are --
You ever read about the oldest person in the world?
There's always an oldest person.
And sometimes you read about them
because the other one just died.
That's when they tell you
that there's a new oldest person.
Last one I read about was 114.
114. He's a teenager after 100.
[ Laughter ]
You know what that means?
That means he's got a kid who's like, 92...
who's like, "Please fucking die.
[ Laughter ]
I'm just hanging around so I can have one week
without you in it."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, here's the bad news -- You're gonna die.
Here's the good news -- When you get closer,
you're gonna want to fucking die.
It doesn't keep being good.
You don't get to keep your life the way it is. Like, I'm 55.
Both hands hurt. Both hands.
Both my hips hurt.
I'm lucky I have only one asshole.
The whole fucking body hurts.
When you're, like, in your 30s, you don't even think about it.
You're like -- 'Cause here's, like --
There's the beginning of your life, and there's the end.
So, like, you start, like, in your 3--
Like, you're in your 30s. You're just shuffling.
You're not even aware of this movement.
You're just shuffling along. "Hey.
Life is good. Pretty cool."
And then somewhere you're kind of aware
that way down there, people are -- "Aah!" --
falling off the edge. "Aah!"
"Oh. Yeah. Weird." [ Laughter ]
And then you're not thinking. Then all of a sudden,
you're close, and you're, "Aah! Oh, fuck, I knew that guy.
Oh, my God. Holy shit."
[ Laughter ]
But there are signs that your time
is coming to an end, you know?
Like -- Like they don't make my shampoo anymore.
They don't make it.
It's like, why'd you stop? Like, you're the only one.
Nobody fucking cares about you.
[ Laughter ]
And so I thought, I'm like, "I'm gonna make my own.
I'm gonna make my own shampoo.
I'm gonna look it up online.
I'm gonna look at the ingredients.
I'm gonna make my own."
And I found myself at a dinner telling a table full of people,
"So I decided to make my own shampoo."
[ Laughter ]
That's one of those moments where you tell yourself,
"Just don't tell folks anything.
You don't need to say it out loud.
Just do what you're doing. Die as soon as possible."
[ Laughter ]
Do I have a huge stain? Yeah, that's all right.
It's all right. So what?
Okay.
No, no, no. Who's running?
Oh, okay.
I thought they were coming to bring me something.
There's nothing you can do.
You'd have to change my whole lifestyle
for the rest of the show.
[ Laughter ]
It doesn't -- It doesn't matter.
I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm a fat guy. I'm fat.
I'm fat. I -- My pronouns are "that fat fuck" and...
[ Laughter ]
But here's the thing. I have body dysmorphia.
I think I look good.
I like this. I'm fine with it.
I decided to stop exercising.
That's what I decided this year.
I'm just not doing it anymore. I made it to 55.
If I stop exercising now,
it just means I might make 75 instead of 78.
It's not that big a fucking deal.
I'm just not gonna do it.
You know, who inspired me was Trump.
It's the one thing he said that I liked.
I don't know if you've ever heard this,
but Trump believes --
He just believes. Nobody told him this.
But he believes that you should
move as little as possible
because you have a finite amount of movements
and then you just -- You stop.
He believes that. He just went, "Yeah, that sounds right."
And he just thought it up.
And he's proving it to be true.
I mean, it's fucking working.
I don't like the new exercise either.
I don't like the Peloton, you know?
It's a bike you ride,
and there's a video that encourages you.
And they have that mirror that you stand there,
and it teaches you exercises.
Then they have that gun you put in your mouth,
and you fucking...
[ Laughter ]
Nah.
No, you shouldn't kill yourself.
[ Laughter ]
That's what I think. You should not kill yourself.
That's my opinion. I don't know you.
Ask somebody that knows you.
[ Laughter ]
But my general feeling is, you shouldn't kill yourself.
You know why? 'Cause you're gonna die anyway.
You're gonna die. What are you getting violent for?
It's gonna happen.
"I wish I was dead."
You will be. Just sit there.
You don't have to do anything.
[ Laughter ]
It really is the most effective argument
against suicide, is that you're gonna die either way.
It also happens to be the best argument for suicide,
which is awkward.
Go ahead. You're gonna die if you don't.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway...
a friend of mine sent me a porn the other day.
Folks can just send you pornography now.
It was a porn. It was two old men.
Like, really old guys, really old.
And they were sucking each other's cocks.
Like, really sucking each other's cocks.
They were so old. I was surprised
they were doing anything. But there they were.
One of them is, like, sitting on the edge of a bed, and his socks
have fallen, you know.
[ Laughter ]
And the other guy is on his knees on a pillow.
And he's just fucking blowing the guy.
Then they switch places.
I watched long enough to see them switch places.
[ Laughter ]
And when the second guy was done,
I called my friend and said, "Why did you send me this?"
He said, "Because it's amazing."
And it really was, you know? It really was.
I've watched it a few times
because it doesn't turn me on.
It's inspiring.
'Cause you're like, "Go, fellas!"
'Cause you worry about old guys.
You know, you see an old man walking by himself
with just a grapefruit in a plastic bag, you know?
You're like, "Ah, shit, that's horrible."
Maybe he's going to suck another guy's cock.
Life might be better than you think.
[ Laughter ]
It's interesting 'cause porn used to be like, you go
find your thing, you know.
But now you go to a porn site. It's everybody's stuff.
You can put in a search word to narrow it down,
or you can look around,
find new things.
I saw a fart porn one time.
So fart porn. I never thought I'd be turned on by farts.
I'm not interested in farts. Farts are okay.
I'm farting right now. I've been farting this whole time.
[ Laughter ]
And I didn't want to watch it 'cause it was a fart porn.
It was 'cause of the title. The title is what got me.
The title was "Nice Girl Farts in Your Face."
[ Laughter ]
Who's not gonna watch that?
"Nice Girl Farts in Your Face."
So I click on it.
And there's this girl standing there.
I'm like, "She is nice. She's totally nice."
Just a nice girl standing there.
Pink sweater with little blue buttons on it.
And she's looking in the camera, and she says,
"Hi. I'm so glad to see you."
I was like, "Wow." She made me feel good, you know?
And then she turns around like she's reaching.
She goes, "I got to show you something, like, I bought,"
And she's reaching up, and all of a sudden, pbht!
And I was like, "Oh, my God!"
I mean, it was in the title. I knew it was gonna happen.
But I was like, "Oh, my God!"
She just farted right in my face.
She seemed so nice.
[ Laughter ]
But the best part is when she -- her reaction
'cause I thought she would be like,
"That's right. I farted in your face."
But she wasn't. She was like, "[Gasps]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
I can't believe that happened."
I've never been that hard in my entire life.
I was so excited.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause I realized it's not really about the fart.
It's about the shame.
It's about the sexy shame
of a truly nice girl who just thunder farted
right in your face, and she regrets it.
[ Laughter ]
Here's the worst part.
I can't find one that good again.
I can't. They're never that good.
I've been chasing the dragon on this fart porn for months.
It's just always some bored chick.
"Hello." Pbht!
Like, come on.
Tighten it up, would you? A little bit.
[ Laughter ]
I have been dating recently.
Dating is not fun. Dating's horrible.
Nobody wants to date. Even if you meet somebody
and you really want to go out with them and they say yes,
you're excited in that moment,
but the day of the date, you're like,
"I don't want to fucking do this. I don't want to do this."
Every time I'm ringing a doorbell to pick a woman up,
I'm like, "I hope she's dead in there. I really do.
I hope something awful happened."
I don't want to sit in a place and breathe
unevenly for three hours and just sweating
where your body. is folded
and just, "Uh-huh."
[ Laughter ]
Do you ever have a date that goes well?
It's, like, good from the beginning.
You're like -- You get a little laugh at the beginning.
"Hi. Ha ha." Something funny.
And they both laugh. Feels good.
You see you agree on stuff.
When you don't agree, you laugh about it.
You're even able to be quiet a little bit while you're eating,
and it's nice, feels comfortable.
And then you drop them off.
You're like, "I hope I see you again."
And she says, "I hope so, too."
And you feel like, "This is something new in my life.
This is wonderful." Then you go home.
And your wife is like, "Where were you all night?"
You know, and you're just fucking....
[ Laughter ] But...
But I'm older now.
I'm divorced, and I still
date mostly women who are younger than me recently
'cause that's who looks better.
[ Laughs ] No, no.
No, it's true.
But I'm not -- I don't like having --
I've always been with women my age or older.
I was married to a woman a year older than me
for ten years. And that's always
been the way I've been. But, you know,
there's some guys that have to be with a younger woman.
There's -- There's cultures
that believe the man should be much older.
Like, there's religions that have, like, a formula,
you know? Like take the man's age and subtract ten,
and then whatever else you have to do to get to 12.
Just get to...
Just -- Just solve for 12.
[ Laughter ]
But I didn't suddenly get interested in younger women.
What happened was, I got older,
and they got interested in me
'cause the younger women, like older guys.
They just do. That's the other part nobody says.
I don't do anything to get younger women.
I just stand there like this,
and they see me, and they're like,
"That would be so weird to fuck that old guy."
[ Laughter ]
And then we get blamed.
The older guy always gets blamed.
You see an older man with a young woman.
Everybody's like, "That guy's a pervert."
No, she's a pervert.
He's normal. He likes pretty women.
She likes that.
[ Laughter ]
The fuck is wrong with her?
And they're weird.
I was having sex with this woman, and she was about 35.
And we're in bed. She starts calling me "daddy."
I was like, "Please don't, young lady.
Please don't do that."
She said, "Why does it make you uncomfortable
when I call you 'daddy' during sex?"
Is it 'cause you have daughters?"
I said, "No.
It makes me uncomfortable because I have a father.
And I used to call him 'daddy' when he fucked me.
So..."
[ Laughter ]
By the way, thanks for laughing at me
'cause I got fucked by my dad.
[ Laughter ]
I was not laughing at the time
'cause I was coming,
because he fucked me good.
My daddy fucked me so good.
It's not his fault. I made him do it.
I was such a brat. I was 10.
I was like, "Daddy, fuck me!" The poor guy.
He's like, "I know I'm spoiling this child,
but I can't say no."
[ Laughter ]
Thank you very much for coming.
I hope that you enjoyed the show.
Thank you for coming. Get home safe.
Thank you. Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause continues ]
♪♪