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[TV static drones]
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00:00:01,947 --> 00:00:05,048
[bright tone]
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[indistinct chatter]
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I get it with no pulp.
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If it has pulp,
I'm gonna send it back.
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Okay.
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Sarah, your nanny's
here with the triplets.
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Oh, yay. Oh, my babies!
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Good luck, Mommy.
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Oh, sweetie,
I don't need luck.
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You're a disgrace
to my people.
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I know. Mommy's so bad.
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Mommy, when will you be home?
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[mockingly]
Mommy, when will you be home?
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I'll be home when I'm home,
all right?
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Colleen, thank you so much.
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You're so amazing.
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You know, everyone said,
don't get a hot nanny.
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[sighs]
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[whispering]
Oh, here I go.
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Listen to Colleen, okay?
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Do whatever she says.
Make sure you brush your teeth.
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Your breath smells like shit.
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Okay.
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People of Earth,
introducing Sarah Silverman!
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[sighs]
Sparkle, peanut.
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[cheers and applause]
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Hi, hello.
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Hmm.
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Holy shit!
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Thanks.
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[laughs]
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I know, I'm gonna start
with, like, a--
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a joke book style joke.
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Uh, what did the Jewish mother
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say to her porn star daughter
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after watching her
in a gangbang?
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[laughter]
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You were the best one.
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[laughter]
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You were the best one
of all of them!
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That's a great stereotype,
you know.
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It's true--Jewish mothers,
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they're just so bananas
for their kids.
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"My Sharon had
all holes filled."
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I've never seen
anything like it.
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Anywhere you could put a penis,
there was a penis in my Sharon.
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I have a girlfriend who told me
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she's switching gears,
career-wise, and is now a--
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a life coach?
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00:02:51,784 --> 00:02:55,849
Look, I'm not saying
all life coaches are crazy,
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but I would maybe say that, uh,
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crazy people are life coaches.
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Is that fair?
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She is in absolutely
no position
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to give other people
advice at all.
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It's so odd.
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Maybe it's like the cobbler's
son has no shoes kind of vibe,
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but it's bananas.
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She can't be alone.
She's a total wreck.
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She's like,
"I can't find a boyfriend,
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"and there's no single guys,
and half of men are gay,
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and I can't tell, and I don't
wanna waste my time."
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And I'm like, "I don't know
if that's an exact statistic."
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Then she says,
"I just wish that gay men
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would wear some kind
of symbol."
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And I said, "Um, somebody
thought of that already."
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Look, is that the best
joke ever written?
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No, I'm not saying it is.
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But I do feel like
it's a very fresh take
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on a Holocaust joke, you know,
it's--
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'Cause during the Holo--
oh, God, I'm sorry.
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Uh...
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during the alleged Holocaust...
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Homosexuals were made
to wear pink triangles,
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and Jews had to wear
yellow stars.
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Hold on a second--when was
Lucky Charms invented?
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This cannot be a coincidence.
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There's no way.
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I'm not saying that
Lucky Charms are Nazis,
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but I would be very interested
in knowing
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what side of World War II
General Mills was on.
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[cheers and applause]
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All right, sure.
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Was there an armband involved?
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Was he putting Jews
in ovens thinking,
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"You know what cereal needs?
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"It's gonna sound so crazy,
but marshmallows.
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"Not--you're thinking
of the big fluffy ones.
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"No, these would be like
the small crunchy ones.
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Is that even a thing?
Oh, my God, you guys."
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My boyfriend was like,
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"You can't say
'putting Jews in ovens.'
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"It's, like, too harsh.
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It doesn't help the joke,
you know,"
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and I was just like, "Okay, so
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"you want me
to soften the Holocaust?
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"Is that--
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"what should I say instead
of 'putting Jews in ovens'?
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00:05:41,119 --> 00:05:44,790
"Like, 'when he was being,
like, super cunty to Jews,'
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does that work better for you?"
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I would never buy a German car,
and my parents before me,
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they never bought a German car,
because, you know,
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we don't wanna give
our money to Nazis.
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But, um,
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I just bought a German car.
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But only because
they're so good, you know?
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Plus I feel like
all the original Nazis
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are dead, you know.
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And sure, there are new Nazis,
but, you know,
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they don't know how
to make a car.
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[cheers and applause]
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Just imagine somebody watching
that, like, "Yes, I do!"
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Like, oh, so you're a Nazi?
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You know what I feel like?
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I feel like I could walk up
to anyone on the street
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and be like, "Hi, I don't know
you, this is so weird, but um,
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"someone you love who has
passed on wants you to know,
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"um, it's not your fault.
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Does that make sense for you?"
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I don't know.
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I just feel like
maybe 100% of people
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will know exactly
who I was talking about,
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exactly what
I was talking about,
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and they would be unburdened,
you know?
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I mean, what a mitzvah,
you know.
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I mean, I guess you could
get drunk with power,
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by, you know, take it all back,
you know, like,
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"Oh, there's something else, wait.
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"It's not your fault.
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"It's their fault for expecting
too much from you?
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00:07:36,301 --> 00:07:37,973
Does that resonate?"
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My best friend Heidi is gay.
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Actually, she just called me,
and she was like, look,
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I don't care if you say
that I'm gay.
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00:07:48,079 --> 00:07:51,083
I don't care if you
call me a lesbian.
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00:07:51,083 --> 00:07:54,587
But if you're interested
in how I identify,
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I identify as queer.
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00:07:57,455 --> 00:07:59,858
And I was so excited
because, you know,
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she's my best friend.
I wanna honor that.
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00:08:02,093 --> 00:08:08,233
But also because I am from
this area, the Boston area.
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[cheers and applause]
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00:08:11,303 --> 00:08:16,641
And it's just so exciting
to be able to be progressive
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whilst saying,
"Hold on a second,
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you're fucking queer?"
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She's like, "Yes."
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00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:30,722
So my best friend Heidi
is fucking queer.
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00:08:30,722 --> 00:08:32,423
She's like,
"I actually don't think
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00:08:32,423 --> 00:08:34,226
you have to say 'fucking'
before it."
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00:08:34,226 --> 00:08:36,261
Yes.
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00:08:36,261 --> 00:08:38,463
I said I'm sorry.
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She said,
"It's okay, I love you."
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I said, "I love you, too,"
and we hung up,
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00:08:43,168 --> 00:08:44,836
and my boyfriend was like,
"Who was that?"
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00:08:44,836 --> 00:08:46,808
I go, "Some fucking queer."
156
00:08:50,977 --> 00:08:54,612
But you know, I don't know if
it's growing up in New England
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00:08:54,612 --> 00:08:56,715
or growing up in the '80s
or some kind
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00:08:56,715 --> 00:08:58,249
of combination of both,
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00:08:58,249 --> 00:09:01,686
but homophobia was so
deeply embedded in us,
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we didn't even notice it.
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00:09:03,154 --> 00:09:06,124
I mean, we played a game
on the playground
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called Smear the Queer.
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And it was just like nothing.
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00:09:09,728 --> 00:09:11,162
I mean, even teachers
were like,
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00:09:11,162 --> 00:09:12,664
"Look, if you're gonna play
Smear the Queer,
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00:09:12,664 --> 00:09:13,899
"do it on the other wall.
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00:09:13,899 --> 00:09:15,870
They're taking the PSATs
over here."
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Just nothing, just normal.
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00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:24,842
So Heidi lives in New York,
and whenever I'm in New York,
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00:09:24,842 --> 00:09:27,246
we hook--you know, we--
not hook up, but we hang out.
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00:09:27,246 --> 00:09:29,014
We have--
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00:09:29,014 --> 00:09:31,884
we hang out and
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00:09:31,884 --> 00:09:34,617
scissor our pussies
together--no.
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00:09:36,657 --> 00:09:40,426
But we hang out,
and we meet, and--
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00:09:40,426 --> 00:09:41,493
by the vagina.
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No, stop it!
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00:09:43,862 --> 00:09:45,830
Stop it.
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So we meet in Washington.
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00:09:47,326 --> 00:09:49,667
We met in
Washington Square Park.
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00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:51,569
And she said, "I don't know
what's going on.
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00:09:51,569 --> 00:09:54,205
I've had diarrhea
for three straight days."
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00:09:54,205 --> 00:09:56,074
And I was like...
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00:09:56,074 --> 00:09:59,147
[smacks lips]
"Yeah, I don't know." And--
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00:10:04,418 --> 00:10:05,617
Well, you know,
I'm not a doctor.
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00:10:05,617 --> 00:10:07,251
So--and we're backpack people,
186
00:10:07,251 --> 00:10:10,422
so she goes, "Go in my backpack
and get my water."
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00:10:10,422 --> 00:10:13,658
So I go in her backpack,
and I look,
188
00:10:13,658 --> 00:10:18,400
and there is a huge,
mostly-eaten bag of prunes.
189
00:10:23,703 --> 00:10:28,276
I pull it out, I'm like,
"Heidi, I solved the case.
190
00:10:30,477 --> 00:10:33,612
You're, like, mowing prunes."
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00:10:33,612 --> 00:10:35,080
She takes the bag.
192
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,252
"They're not prunes,
they're dried plums."
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00:10:40,855 --> 00:10:43,988
I said,
"Let me ask you something.
194
00:10:43,988 --> 00:10:46,689
What do you think prunes are?"
195
00:10:48,029 --> 00:10:50,862
She said,
"Are they dried plums?"
196
00:10:50,862 --> 00:10:52,597
She's a therapist, by the way.
197
00:10:52,597 --> 00:10:56,268
I feel like I need you
to know that.
198
00:10:56,268 --> 00:10:57,435
But look, I get it.
199
00:10:57,435 --> 00:11:01,673
Big Prune was probably like,
"We need to rebrand.
200
00:11:01,673 --> 00:11:03,778
We're the shit fruit."
201
00:11:05,913 --> 00:11:07,045
I get it, it's smart.
202
00:11:07,045 --> 00:11:08,379
I'd love to be
in that pitch meeting.
203
00:11:08,379 --> 00:11:09,548
Pete, what do you got?
204
00:11:09,548 --> 00:11:12,384
Uh, Texas raisins?
205
00:11:12,384 --> 00:11:17,089
Okay, sure, they are like
big, wrinkly raisins.
206
00:11:17,089 --> 00:11:19,558
But raisins is already a thing.
207
00:11:19,558 --> 00:11:21,292
Pamela, what do you have?
208
00:11:21,292 --> 00:11:24,128
Uh, bathtub toes?
209
00:11:24,128 --> 00:11:26,098
Okay.
210
00:11:26,098 --> 00:11:29,935
That's creative,
a bit of a thinker.
211
00:11:29,935 --> 00:11:32,637
But of course,
they went with dried plums.
212
00:11:32,637 --> 00:11:34,072
Good.
213
00:11:34,072 --> 00:11:35,574
They should go
with dried plums, of course.
214
00:11:35,574 --> 00:11:37,042
That's what they are.
215
00:11:37,042 --> 00:11:39,812
But there should be a warning
on the label, you know.
216
00:11:39,812 --> 00:11:43,418
Warning--these are prunes,
though, right?
217
00:11:48,155 --> 00:11:51,356
So we're walking and talking,
as we love to do,
218
00:11:51,356 --> 00:11:54,659
and we kind of park ourselves
across the street
219
00:11:54,659 --> 00:11:57,662
from a Catholic school
that's letting out.
220
00:11:57,662 --> 00:11:59,831
And first of all,
I just wanna say,
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00:11:59,831 --> 00:12:03,368
I'm so glad there's still
Catholic school.
222
00:12:03,368 --> 00:12:06,704
Because, you know,
they canceled the Boy Scouts.
223
00:12:06,704 --> 00:12:08,472
And then I thought
they were gonna cancel,
224
00:12:08,472 --> 00:12:11,046
like, all the molesty things.
225
00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:15,147
No, they held strong.
226
00:12:15,147 --> 00:12:16,351
Good for them.
227
00:12:18,986 --> 00:12:20,785
I feel bad for the Boy Scouts.
228
00:12:20,785 --> 00:12:23,221
It's so unfair, you know?
229
00:12:23,221 --> 00:12:27,092
All they wanna do is learn
how to, like, tie knots.
230
00:12:27,092 --> 00:12:29,595
And now they can't
because grown-ups
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00:12:29,595 --> 00:12:31,697
won't stop trying to fuck them.
232
00:12:31,697 --> 00:12:36,095
It's like--
and they're punished.
233
00:12:36,095 --> 00:12:37,335
It's stupid.
234
00:12:37,335 --> 00:12:40,338
I--listen, I'd love
to think of a solution.
235
00:12:40,338 --> 00:12:42,941
I'm spitballing here,
but I'd love to be able
236
00:12:42,941 --> 00:12:45,678
to have the Boy Scouts again.
237
00:12:45,678 --> 00:12:48,079
It's just an idea--
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00:12:48,079 --> 00:12:51,386
cameras and boys' assholes.
239
00:12:53,455 --> 00:12:55,921
Hear me out.
240
00:12:55,921 --> 00:12:57,223
Hello, Sharks.
241
00:12:57,223 --> 00:12:58,260
No.
242
00:13:01,261 --> 00:13:02,827
You're probably
thinking of, like,
243
00:13:02,827 --> 00:13:06,231
a colonoscopy type situation.
244
00:13:06,231 --> 00:13:09,868
No, this would be facing out,
you know, like a--
245
00:13:09,868 --> 00:13:13,338
like a Ring camera, you know?
246
00:13:13,338 --> 00:13:16,407
And you can send your kid there
and not worry
247
00:13:16,407 --> 00:13:18,977
and just keep an eye out.
248
00:13:18,977 --> 00:13:23,214
If any shenanigans happen--oh!
249
00:13:23,214 --> 00:13:27,486
Get away
from our son's asshole!
250
00:13:27,486 --> 00:13:30,255
Okay. He's gone.
251
00:13:30,255 --> 00:13:33,128
I'm gonna put down
the make-believe phone.
252
00:13:35,196 --> 00:13:37,723
So we're standing
across the street
253
00:13:37,723 --> 00:13:40,264
from a Catholic school
that is letting out.
254
00:13:40,264 --> 00:13:43,234
And it's boys
and girls leaving,
255
00:13:43,234 --> 00:13:46,639
and the girls are all wearing
256
00:13:46,639 --> 00:13:50,709
Catholic schoolgirl uniforms...
257
00:13:50,709 --> 00:13:53,148
like from porn.
I--
258
00:13:56,678 --> 00:13:59,885
I have only ever
seen that in porn.
259
00:13:59,885 --> 00:14:03,621
It was very jarring.
260
00:14:03,621 --> 00:14:07,492
Look, I get it, you know,
Catholic school started it,
261
00:14:07,492 --> 00:14:10,262
but, like, porn finished it.
262
00:14:10,262 --> 00:14:12,731
I--you know?
263
00:14:12,731 --> 00:14:15,166
Maybe it's time
to go another way,
264
00:14:15,166 --> 00:14:19,271
you know, a slack, maybe,
or something.
265
00:14:19,271 --> 00:14:22,007
But they're really
holding strong.
266
00:14:22,007 --> 00:14:23,407
You know,
it's like people who go,
267
00:14:23,407 --> 00:14:26,210
"You know, the swastika
was originally
268
00:14:26,210 --> 00:14:29,581
a Hindu symbol for good luck."
269
00:14:29,581 --> 00:14:31,817
Okay, but, like--
270
00:14:31,817 --> 00:14:34,456
not anymore, right?
271
00:14:37,391 --> 00:14:40,959
Okay, so we're standing
across the street
272
00:14:40,959 --> 00:14:42,861
from a Catholic school
that's letting out,
273
00:14:42,861 --> 00:14:44,362
and the kids are leaving,
274
00:14:44,362 --> 00:14:48,066
and I can no longer contain
myself like I once could,
275
00:14:48,066 --> 00:14:51,439
and I just went,
"There's no hell!"
276
00:14:54,341 --> 00:15:00,444
And one of the kids
was like, "What?"
277
00:15:00,444 --> 00:15:06,184
"I--I'm an adult, and I
promise you, there is not hell.
278
00:15:06,184 --> 00:15:11,651
"It's a const--
it's made up by people
279
00:15:11,651 --> 00:15:14,159
"to manipulate you
through fear.
280
00:15:14,159 --> 00:15:15,894
"It isn't real, I promise.
281
00:15:15,894 --> 00:15:19,131
"And I promise that
knowing there isn't hell,
282
00:15:19,131 --> 00:15:21,734
"you won't suddenly
murder or something.
283
00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:23,234
You'll still be a good person."
284
00:15:23,234 --> 00:15:25,469
And Heidi said, "You can't
tell other people's kids
285
00:15:25,469 --> 00:15:27,839
there's no hell,"
and I was like...[gasps]
286
00:15:27,839 --> 00:15:30,045
"Did I ruin hell for them?"
287
00:15:33,213 --> 00:15:35,179
But I just can't
bear the thought
288
00:15:35,179 --> 00:15:37,315
of people fearing hell,
289
00:15:37,315 --> 00:15:40,952
moving through their lives
fearing hell.
290
00:15:40,952 --> 00:15:43,021
Hell is so terrifying,
you know.
291
00:15:43,021 --> 00:15:45,724
I went to church growing up
all the time,
292
00:15:45,724 --> 00:15:48,021
because I grew up
in New Hampshire.
293
00:15:48,021 --> 00:15:50,728
And I would sleep over at
friends' houses on Saturday,
294
00:15:50,728 --> 00:15:54,299
and then I would have to go
to church with them on Sunday.
295
00:15:54,299 --> 00:15:57,169
And it was terrifying,
you know.
296
00:15:57,169 --> 00:16:00,238
I mean, the priest was
threatening us with hell.
297
00:16:00,238 --> 00:16:02,841
It was so scary, you know.
298
00:16:02,841 --> 00:16:04,910
The only fun part
was the wafer.
299
00:16:04,910 --> 00:16:06,812
And every time I went to go up,
300
00:16:06,812 --> 00:16:09,051
the mother would go, "Not you!"
301
00:16:13,620 --> 00:16:15,687
I mean, even as a little kid
I was like,
302
00:16:15,687 --> 00:16:17,922
"You know, it's not really
the body of Christ.
303
00:16:17,922 --> 00:16:20,228
You--like, you bought this
at Costco."
304
00:16:21,661 --> 00:16:23,729
What is your fear,
that I'm gonna, like,
305
00:16:23,729 --> 00:16:25,800
put a schmear on it?
306
00:16:29,469 --> 00:16:32,037
But it is really scary, church.
307
00:16:32,037 --> 00:16:34,840
I mean, I'm sure,
hashtag, not all priests.
308
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,175
But it was terrifying.
309
00:16:37,175 --> 00:16:41,279
Like, if you saw
a person screaming
310
00:16:41,279 --> 00:16:44,950
at a kid on the street, telling
them they're gonna, you know,
311
00:16:44,950 --> 00:16:48,186
burn in a fire for eternity,
you'd probably
312
00:16:48,186 --> 00:16:51,256
call, like, Child Services,
you know.
313
00:16:51,256 --> 00:16:55,359
Yeah, there's a man
threatening a child.
314
00:16:55,359 --> 00:16:59,564
What's--oh, he's in all black,
and he's got, like,
315
00:16:59,564 --> 00:17:03,338
a, um, like, a white
embellishment on the collar.
316
00:17:05,039 --> 00:17:07,105
Oh, that's okay?
317
00:17:07,105 --> 00:17:09,241
All right. I'm sorry?
318
00:17:09,241 --> 00:17:10,909
Oh, and they don't
pay taxes, great.
319
00:17:10,909 --> 00:17:12,147
Okay, bye-bye.
320
00:17:15,382 --> 00:17:19,654
[cheers and applause]
321
00:17:23,590 --> 00:17:27,258
I just--I can't bear
the thought of people
322
00:17:27,258 --> 00:17:31,729
making choices from, like,
fearing hell, you know.
323
00:17:31,729 --> 00:17:36,868
I mean, I'm sure this is a
godless crowd, but I mean--
324
00:17:36,868 --> 00:17:38,303
[cheering]
325
00:17:38,303 --> 00:17:40,105
Yeah, sure, I mean,
326
00:17:40,105 --> 00:17:41,973
doesn't make you better
than anyone else,
327
00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:44,276
but yes,
we're mostly godless here.
328
00:17:44,276 --> 00:17:46,278
I'm sure there are
some people that are--
329
00:17:46,278 --> 00:17:49,414
believe in hell and st--
not like, "Who are you?
330
00:17:49,414 --> 00:17:51,115
Raise your hand."
I mean, I--
331
00:17:51,115 --> 00:17:53,318
No, I have God people
in my life, you know.
332
00:17:53,318 --> 00:17:54,885
My sister's a rabbi.
333
00:17:54,885 --> 00:17:59,758
My--I sexted with a "Jeshuit"
priest for three years.
334
00:17:59,758 --> 00:18:01,626
So hot.
335
00:18:01,626 --> 00:18:06,597
My God, and it is "Jeshuit,"
because, like, I said Jesuit,
336
00:18:06,597 --> 00:18:09,101
and then he was, like,
"No, it's 'Jeshuit,'"
337
00:18:09,101 --> 00:18:13,304
And then I was like,
"Is it Je-shus?"
338
00:18:13,304 --> 00:18:16,808
I wasn't sure if it was
a speech impediment.
339
00:18:16,808 --> 00:18:19,514
But no, it's "Jeshuit."
340
00:18:22,583 --> 00:18:24,548
But if you fear hell, I just,
341
00:18:24,548 --> 00:18:26,717
I wish I could release you
from it.
342
00:18:26,717 --> 00:18:32,494
So, um, someone you love
who has passed on...
343
00:18:34,227 --> 00:18:37,195
Wants you to know, no hell.
344
00:18:37,195 --> 00:18:39,965
There's no hell.
345
00:18:39,965 --> 00:18:40,966
How about this?
346
00:18:40,966 --> 00:18:42,434
[scattered applause]
347
00:18:42,434 --> 00:18:44,639
Oh, thank you, all four of you.
348
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,173
Audiences,
they usually work as one,
349
00:18:49,173 --> 00:18:53,215
but you really made a choice.
350
00:18:59,620 --> 00:19:01,887
How about this?
351
00:19:01,887 --> 00:19:03,287
If there's hell,
352
00:19:03,287 --> 00:19:05,727
may God strike me dead
right now.
353
00:19:10,964 --> 00:19:13,868
[cheers and applause]
354
00:19:19,974 --> 00:19:21,707
See? No God.
355
00:19:21,707 --> 00:19:23,206
I, um--
356
00:19:25,146 --> 00:19:26,811
I don't--
look, maybe there's hell.
357
00:19:26,811 --> 00:19:29,447
I mean, I know I seemed
really positive about it,
358
00:19:29,447 --> 00:19:31,615
but the only way I know--
listen, if the burden of proof
359
00:19:31,615 --> 00:19:35,353
were on me, no, I can't prove
there's no hell.
360
00:19:35,353 --> 00:19:37,389
But I just know
there is no hell
361
00:19:37,389 --> 00:19:41,026
because I believe it
with my whole heart.
362
00:19:41,026 --> 00:19:43,531
And that's science.
363
00:19:47,134 --> 00:19:51,569
You know, but I really do.
364
00:19:51,569 --> 00:19:55,273
It's like anti-choice
protesters, you know,
365
00:19:55,273 --> 00:19:57,542
outside of our
dwindling abortion clinics
366
00:19:57,542 --> 00:20:00,544
with their big posters
of fetuses,
367
00:20:00,544 --> 00:20:04,450
and, you know, they believe
with their whole heart
368
00:20:04,450 --> 00:20:06,317
that abortion is murder.
369
00:20:06,317 --> 00:20:10,955
So that puts me in a pickle,
but I--
370
00:20:10,955 --> 00:20:13,691
I almost feel, like,
a fucked up kinship with them
371
00:20:13,691 --> 00:20:15,393
because I don't like
what they're doing,
372
00:20:15,393 --> 00:20:17,128
but they just
believe something.
373
00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:21,533
Really, it's the disingenuous
politicians that are stripping
374
00:20:21,533 --> 00:20:24,569
our rights away
for no good reason
375
00:20:24,569 --> 00:20:28,174
that I hope go to the hell
I don't believe in, I guess.
376
00:20:28,174 --> 00:20:29,340
But I--
377
00:20:29,340 --> 00:20:32,514
[cheers and applause]
378
00:20:36,516 --> 00:20:40,747
But these people, you know,
they just believe.
379
00:20:40,747 --> 00:20:42,654
And I know what that is.
380
00:20:42,654 --> 00:20:44,789
I know what that feels like
to just believe something
381
00:20:44,789 --> 00:20:48,888
with your whole heart, so much
so that you want other people
382
00:20:48,888 --> 00:20:50,661
to believe it, too, you know.
383
00:20:50,661 --> 00:20:55,367
I just think that if what
you believe is righteous,
384
00:20:55,367 --> 00:20:58,203
you should be able
to convince other people
385
00:20:58,203 --> 00:21:01,472
using just only
what is the truth.
386
00:21:01,472 --> 00:21:06,679
And, uh, fetuses
are not poster-sized.
387
00:21:06,679 --> 00:21:07,749
They're just--
388
00:21:09,283 --> 00:21:10,953
They're only small.
389
00:21:13,553 --> 00:21:15,854
I mean, if fetuses
were poster-sized,
390
00:21:15,854 --> 00:21:18,156
I'd be like, yeah,
that's a life, you know,
391
00:21:18,156 --> 00:21:21,427
but they're not.
392
00:21:21,427 --> 00:21:24,327
They're just teeny-tiny.
393
00:21:27,534 --> 00:21:29,400
I mean, if fetuses
were poster-sized,
394
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,507
those same people would
probably hunt them.
395
00:21:40,580 --> 00:21:43,481
It's conjecture on my part,
and I looked it up,
396
00:21:43,481 --> 00:21:45,087
and that is the right word.
397
00:21:47,187 --> 00:21:48,652
Look, make the poster.
398
00:21:48,652 --> 00:21:52,124
I support you, just make it
actual size, you know?
399
00:21:52,124 --> 00:21:54,062
This is life!
400
00:21:55,362 --> 00:21:57,996
This is life!
401
00:21:57,996 --> 00:21:59,034
This--
402
00:22:01,168 --> 00:22:02,637
That's life.
403
00:22:04,839 --> 00:22:06,074
Oh, buh.
404
00:22:09,743 --> 00:22:11,809
You're just,
you're not changing my mind.
405
00:22:11,809 --> 00:22:16,615
You're just convincing me
and everyone at FedEx Kinko's
406
00:22:16,615 --> 00:22:19,521
that you're, like, super gross.
407
00:22:21,221 --> 00:22:22,286
I don't know.
408
00:22:22,286 --> 00:22:26,258
I just don't buy
that this is about life
409
00:22:26,258 --> 00:22:28,927
or caring for life or--
[applause]
410
00:22:28,927 --> 00:22:30,462
Thank you.
411
00:22:30,462 --> 00:22:33,665
[cheers and applause]
412
00:22:33,665 --> 00:22:36,634
And I feel so weird
saying this,
413
00:22:36,634 --> 00:22:42,307
but it's gotta be
about hating women or...
414
00:22:42,307 --> 00:22:46,044
maybe fearing women?
415
00:22:46,044 --> 00:22:50,215
You know, because if fetuses
weren't inside our bodies,
416
00:22:50,215 --> 00:22:52,751
they'd be everywhere.
417
00:22:52,751 --> 00:22:55,523
You know, we'd spray for them.
418
00:22:59,988 --> 00:23:02,528
[cheers and applause]
419
00:23:02,528 --> 00:23:04,132
Yeah, all right.
420
00:23:05,933 --> 00:23:08,032
If fetuses weren't
inside our bodies,
421
00:23:08,032 --> 00:23:10,669
it would just be like,
"Yeah, I was talking to Mike
422
00:23:10,669 --> 00:23:13,838
"about doing a block party.
423
00:23:13,838 --> 00:23:15,706
"Maybe everyone could
bring their own--
424
00:23:15,706 --> 00:23:19,010
"I'll bring my famous egg--
oh, gross.
425
00:23:19,010 --> 00:23:20,815
My famous egg salad."
426
00:23:23,517 --> 00:23:25,016
I'm not a good improviser.
427
00:23:25,016 --> 00:23:26,521
I don't know how that--
428
00:23:28,823 --> 00:23:31,093
Where the block party
came from.
429
00:23:33,894 --> 00:23:40,598
I had an existential crisis,
a crisis of existence.
430
00:23:40,598 --> 00:23:43,501
It was--well,
I was watching TV.
431
00:23:43,501 --> 00:23:46,004
Listen, I'm cool,
I watch all the streamers,
432
00:23:46,004 --> 00:23:51,376
but at night,
I watch regular cable TV
433
00:23:51,376 --> 00:23:54,545
because I must fall asleep
to "Law & Order."
434
00:23:54,545 --> 00:24:01,053
And you know, that's on,
like, USA or Ion Television
435
00:24:01,053 --> 00:24:03,355
or MeTV or whatever.
436
00:24:03,355 --> 00:24:06,491
And I just--I don't know
what it is--
437
00:24:06,491 --> 00:24:09,695
I can't fall asleep unless
it's to the dulcet tones
438
00:24:09,695 --> 00:24:11,430
of softcore murder.
439
00:24:11,430 --> 00:24:14,166
But, um--
440
00:24:14,166 --> 00:24:16,768
so I'm watching,
441
00:24:16,768 --> 00:24:18,870
and this commercial comes on.
442
00:24:18,870 --> 00:24:23,609
It's for Cottonelle Extra
Clean, which--
443
00:24:23,609 --> 00:24:25,544
[audience member whistles]
444
00:24:25,544 --> 00:24:26,914
Thank you.
445
00:24:32,352 --> 00:24:35,590
I wipe my pussy with it.
446
00:24:36,590 --> 00:24:37,925
All right.
447
00:24:40,127 --> 00:24:41,459
Well, I do--it is--
448
00:24:41,459 --> 00:24:45,263
as a sidebar to this
existential crisis story,
449
00:24:45,263 --> 00:24:48,832
it is my brand, I will say.
450
00:24:48,832 --> 00:24:51,769
I just--because I like
the ripples, and it really--
451
00:24:51,769 --> 00:24:54,940
it doesn't break apart into
a thousand pieces in my vag--
452
00:24:54,940 --> 00:24:58,610
I'm not trying to make
you all come, but I need--
453
00:24:58,610 --> 00:25:00,945
a strong toilet tissue
454
00:25:00,945 --> 00:25:04,149
for my asshole and vagina,
and--
455
00:25:04,149 --> 00:25:06,985
or vagina and asshole.
456
00:25:06,985 --> 00:25:10,355
It's a front-to-back
correction for the ladies.
457
00:25:10,355 --> 00:25:11,693
Wait.
458
00:25:13,695 --> 00:25:15,626
No, but everyone, not the la--
459
00:25:15,626 --> 00:25:19,197
everyone wipes front to back, right?
460
00:25:19,197 --> 00:25:21,834
Did you just say no? Oh, yes.
461
00:25:21,834 --> 00:25:23,469
You know why I wasn't
thinking men
462
00:25:23,469 --> 00:25:25,670
is 'cause I, um,
463
00:25:25,670 --> 00:25:27,539
I don't know
where your front starts,
464
00:25:27,539 --> 00:25:29,174
you know, like, I just--
465
00:25:29,174 --> 00:25:32,210
But I'm the worst, though,
like, I'm gonna be hon--
466
00:25:32,210 --> 00:25:38,249
I don't know where my pee comes
out of specifically, you know.
467
00:25:38,249 --> 00:25:41,853
I only know it's
at least three places, but I--
468
00:25:41,853 --> 00:25:44,692
okay, back on track,
the special.
469
00:25:48,329 --> 00:25:50,428
Oh, existential crisis.
470
00:25:50,428 --> 00:25:52,363
So this commercial comes on.
471
00:25:52,363 --> 00:25:55,766
It's for Cottonelle
Extra Clean.
472
00:25:55,766 --> 00:25:59,071
And this is the commercial--
there's a woman standing
473
00:25:59,071 --> 00:26:02,674
in a field with a microphone,
and then there's a row
474
00:26:02,674 --> 00:26:05,209
of outhouses where I guess--
475
00:26:05,209 --> 00:26:07,380
I don't know,
people come from far and wide
476
00:26:07,380 --> 00:26:08,481
to take shits?
477
00:26:08,481 --> 00:26:10,648
And--is the premise.
478
00:26:10,648 --> 00:26:14,385
And as people come out,
she interviews them.
479
00:26:14,385 --> 00:26:20,258
Okay, so a guy comes out,
and she says, "How did it go?"
480
00:26:20,258 --> 00:26:24,495
And he goes, "Good."
481
00:26:24,495 --> 00:26:28,133
And then she goes,
"Do you feel clean?"
482
00:26:28,133 --> 00:26:31,804
And he goes, "Yeah."
483
00:26:31,804 --> 00:26:34,706
And then she says--
484
00:26:34,706 --> 00:26:38,009
by the way, what's this?
485
00:26:38,009 --> 00:26:41,079
There's a microphone
right here.
486
00:26:41,079 --> 00:26:43,952
What's this?
I don't need to do that.
487
00:26:49,722 --> 00:26:51,189
So she says, "How'd it go?"
He says, "Good."
488
00:26:51,189 --> 00:26:53,824
She says, "Do you feel clean?"
He says, "Yes."
489
00:26:53,824 --> 00:27:00,031
And then she says,
"Clean enough to go commando?"
490
00:27:00,031 --> 00:27:04,536
This is when everything
I understood about life
491
00:27:04,536 --> 00:27:07,670
just went kablooey because--
492
00:27:13,681 --> 00:27:17,715
Do we wear underwear
493
00:27:17,715 --> 00:27:21,289
to keep from getting shit
in our pants?
494
00:27:25,653 --> 00:27:28,660
I've never understood life
to be this way.
495
00:27:28,660 --> 00:27:32,030
We're--we're just
ballparking it
496
00:27:32,030 --> 00:27:38,440
and then pulling up
a cotton shit shield.
497
00:27:40,808 --> 00:27:43,345
Keep our chinos clean.
498
00:27:45,340 --> 00:27:47,049
That's fucking disgusting.
499
00:27:48,783 --> 00:27:51,482
I'm sorry,
I do not leave a bathroom
500
00:27:51,482 --> 00:27:55,857
unless I am clean
2 inches deep.
501
00:27:59,093 --> 00:28:01,827
You're supposed to wipe
until it comes back clean.
502
00:28:01,827 --> 00:28:03,595
Are you fucking kidding me? No.
503
00:28:03,595 --> 00:28:06,201
For me, there must be blood.
504
00:28:09,870 --> 00:28:12,003
Just a dot, you know.
505
00:28:12,003 --> 00:28:13,639
It's just like a stoplight.
506
00:28:13,639 --> 00:28:15,343
Red means stop.
507
00:28:18,112 --> 00:28:21,950
Green means go, I guess,
to the hospital, I guess?
508
00:28:23,650 --> 00:28:25,784
[in deep voice]
Hello? Hello?
509
00:28:25,784 --> 00:28:27,451
I can get pretty low.
510
00:28:27,451 --> 00:28:30,055
When I come home, I'm scared,
and I walk around my house
511
00:28:30,055 --> 00:28:33,759
like this--
[in gruff voice] Hello, hello.
512
00:28:33,759 --> 00:28:36,562
I look under my bed. Hello!
513
00:28:36,562 --> 00:28:39,030
Look in the closets. Hello!
514
00:28:39,030 --> 00:28:40,763
Hello!
515
00:28:43,004 --> 00:28:44,535
I don't know
what I'm going for.
516
00:28:44,535 --> 00:28:46,637
It's like, it's not just that
I wanna sound like a man.
517
00:28:46,637 --> 00:28:49,211
I wanna sound like
a fucking lunatic.
518
00:28:51,313 --> 00:28:52,844
Hello!
519
00:28:52,844 --> 00:28:54,512
What do I think
is gonna happen, like,
520
00:28:54,512 --> 00:28:56,815
murderers are gonna be like,
"Let's get out of here,
521
00:28:56,815 --> 00:28:59,984
"this guy's crazy!
522
00:28:59,984 --> 00:29:02,588
What is he, a life coach? Oh!"
523
00:29:02,588 --> 00:29:05,490
Oh! Yeah!
524
00:29:05,490 --> 00:29:07,760
It's called the callback, baby.
525
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:10,465
Oh, my God. What happened?
526
00:29:15,436 --> 00:29:17,035
Jesus Christ.
527
00:29:17,035 --> 00:29:18,536
I know this is impossible,
528
00:29:18,536 --> 00:29:20,475
but it feels like
they switched.
529
00:29:25,279 --> 00:29:26,377
I have a dog.
530
00:29:26,377 --> 00:29:29,147
She's not gonna protect me
if murderers come over.
531
00:29:29,147 --> 00:29:30,782
You know,
she'll just lie on her back
532
00:29:30,782 --> 00:29:33,551
and be like, "Rub my belly."
533
00:29:33,551 --> 00:29:36,287
But I don't know, in that way
I feel like she would
534
00:29:36,287 --> 00:29:38,490
protect me 'cause murderers
would be like,
535
00:29:38,490 --> 00:29:40,528
"Oh, what are we doing?"
536
00:29:46,133 --> 00:29:47,665
Oh, I got
the greatest road gig.
537
00:29:47,665 --> 00:29:49,868
I got to go to Hawaii
to do stand-up.
538
00:29:49,868 --> 00:29:52,137
Like, I got paid
to go to fucking Hawaii.
539
00:29:52,137 --> 00:29:57,876
[cheering]
And thank you, thank you.
540
00:29:57,876 --> 00:30:02,308
So I go--I go to the hotel,
super fancy hotel,
541
00:30:02,308 --> 00:30:03,848
and I go to check in.
542
00:30:03,848 --> 00:30:05,716
Oh, and the lady at the
front desk recognized me,
543
00:30:05,716 --> 00:30:08,586
and she was like,
"Oh, my God, I love you!
544
00:30:08,586 --> 00:30:12,991
You are in my top four
all time favorite comedians."
545
00:30:12,991 --> 00:30:15,794
And I was like,
"You know that I know
546
00:30:15,794 --> 00:30:18,300
that means I'm fourth, right?"
547
00:30:20,968 --> 00:30:23,268
I'm not walking away
from this like,
548
00:30:23,268 --> 00:30:27,640
"Ooh, maybe I'm second,"
you know, no.
549
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:30,312
There's no top four.
550
00:30:32,346 --> 00:30:34,349
I should've
just said thank you.
551
00:30:36,944 --> 00:30:39,251
So I go put on my bathing suit.
I'm so excited.
552
00:30:39,251 --> 00:30:41,319
I'm gonna go swimming
in the pool,
553
00:30:41,319 --> 00:30:45,924
fancy schmancy hotel pool,
cabanas, the whole thing.
554
00:30:45,924 --> 00:30:48,861
And in the pool area,
there is a sign,
555
00:30:48,861 --> 00:30:51,764
like, a professionally made sign.
556
00:30:51,764 --> 00:30:56,935
And it says,
"If you have diarrhea
557
00:30:56,935 --> 00:31:02,173
"or have had diarrhea
in the past two weeks,
558
00:31:02,173 --> 00:31:05,313
you are not permitted
in our pool."
559
00:31:09,817 --> 00:31:12,988
I mean, just say it--
no Jews allowed.
560
00:31:17,091 --> 00:31:18,994
That's a micro-aggression.
561
00:31:21,396 --> 00:31:22,628
Right?
562
00:31:22,628 --> 00:31:23,795
Are there any Jews here
tonight?
563
00:31:23,795 --> 00:31:25,129
[cheering]
564
00:31:25,129 --> 00:31:26,965
Whoa, okay, keep it down.
565
00:31:26,965 --> 00:31:31,236
Just do this.
These are precarious times.
566
00:31:31,236 --> 00:31:34,138
I've been so worried
on this tour because I'm in,
567
00:31:34,138 --> 00:31:37,208
like, every town,
and I feel like people--
568
00:31:37,208 --> 00:31:38,910
you know, there might be
someone going,
569
00:31:38,910 --> 00:31:41,980
"I wanna kill all the Jews
in Boston.
570
00:31:41,980 --> 00:31:45,617
But how will we get them all
into one room?"
571
00:31:45,617 --> 00:31:48,053
Hello.
572
00:31:48,053 --> 00:31:50,989
Real Lenny/Squiggy moment.
573
00:31:50,989 --> 00:31:53,224
Who's Jewish, just real close?
574
00:31:53,224 --> 00:31:55,660
[audience cheers]
You, doll.
575
00:31:55,660 --> 00:31:56,861
What's your name, doll?
576
00:31:56,861 --> 00:31:57,963
Kim.
577
00:31:57,963 --> 00:31:59,865
- Kim.
- [unintelligible]
578
00:31:59,865 --> 00:32:01,400
What'd you say?
579
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:03,669
[unintelligible]
580
00:32:03,669 --> 00:32:06,104
Oh, Kim Epstein. Aw.
581
00:32:06,104 --> 00:32:09,211
[laughter]
No, don't let him have Epstein.
582
00:32:12,145 --> 00:32:15,814
Think of Juan Epstein. Hey!
583
00:32:15,814 --> 00:32:18,249
Signed, Epstein's mother.
584
00:32:18,249 --> 00:32:20,419
Huh? This is your wife?
585
00:32:20,419 --> 00:32:22,488
All right.
586
00:32:22,488 --> 00:32:23,725
She took your name?
587
00:32:25,826 --> 00:32:26,925
- So--
- Hyphened.
588
00:32:26,925 --> 00:32:28,261
Oh, what's the hyphen?
589
00:32:28,261 --> 00:32:30,028
Martin.
590
00:32:30,028 --> 00:32:32,400
Huh.
Now I forgot your first name.
591
00:32:34,630 --> 00:32:37,468
Kim Martin-Epstein, hello.
592
00:32:37,468 --> 00:32:43,375
Can I--all right, Kim, may I
ask you a question as a Jew?
593
00:32:43,375 --> 00:32:45,677
Okay.
594
00:32:45,677 --> 00:32:50,718
Have you ever gone 14 days
with zero diarrhea?
595
00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:54,489
That would be absurd, I know.
596
00:32:57,953 --> 00:33:00,091
No, that would be--
that would be, uh...
597
00:33:00,091 --> 00:33:04,029
considered a miracle
in our religion, right?
598
00:33:04,029 --> 00:33:06,832
I mean, what's the big miracle?
599
00:33:06,832 --> 00:33:07,999
Hanukkah.
600
00:33:07,999 --> 00:33:09,935
You know what that miracle is?
601
00:33:09,935 --> 00:33:11,639
A lamp worked.
602
00:33:13,602 --> 00:33:15,310
Longer than expected.
603
00:33:17,144 --> 00:33:18,911
This blows that
out of the water.
604
00:33:18,911 --> 00:33:21,980
We light this candle
605
00:33:21,980 --> 00:33:25,083
to celebrate
606
00:33:25,083 --> 00:33:27,718
Kim Martin-Epstein,
607
00:33:27,718 --> 00:33:34,696
who, despite only having enough
Imodium A-D for two nights...
608
00:33:37,526 --> 00:33:40,999
Lasted 14 nights.
609
00:33:40,999 --> 00:33:42,533
And she was able to swim
610
00:33:42,533 --> 00:33:45,840
at the Four Seasons pool,
praying and--
611
00:33:49,576 --> 00:33:53,840
I don't know why people
hate Jews so much, you know.
612
00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:58,149
I mean, I get a little,
but so much?
613
00:33:58,149 --> 00:34:00,885
There's barely any of us.
614
00:34:00,885 --> 00:34:06,357
I mean, Jews make up, what,
like, 1/5 of 1% of the world.
615
00:34:06,357 --> 00:34:11,429
Like, if you round down,
there are zero of us.
616
00:34:11,429 --> 00:34:16,134
Fucking relax, Jews will not
replace you, Tyler.
617
00:34:16,134 --> 00:34:18,603
We could barely
replace ourselves.
618
00:34:18,603 --> 00:34:22,140
I even asked Siri.
I go, "Hey, Siri." Boop boop.
619
00:34:22,140 --> 00:34:24,809
"How many Jews
are in the world?"
620
00:34:24,809 --> 00:34:27,882
And she said, "Too many."
621
00:34:31,251 --> 00:34:34,520
I was like, Siri!
622
00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:36,755
Disable location.
623
00:34:36,755 --> 00:34:38,460
Just to be safe.
624
00:34:41,796 --> 00:34:42,928
Let's switch gears.
625
00:34:42,928 --> 00:34:44,358
Hitler wrote a book.
626
00:34:44,358 --> 00:34:46,031
Oh, snap!
627
00:34:46,031 --> 00:34:48,170
We stayed on topic.
628
00:34:49,798 --> 00:34:51,737
What's Hitler's book called?
629
00:34:51,737 --> 00:34:53,771
all:
"Mein Kampf."
630
00:34:53,771 --> 00:34:58,310
Some of the non-Jews I feel
like answered that as well.
631
00:34:58,310 --> 00:35:02,284
No, I keep it
on mein nightstand.
632
00:35:07,816 --> 00:35:10,121
What does "mein kampf" mean?
633
00:35:10,121 --> 00:35:11,926
- all: My struggle.
- My struggle!
634
00:35:13,193 --> 00:35:15,230
Don't yell at me about it.
635
00:35:16,563 --> 00:35:20,268
That's what "mein kampf" means,
my struggle.
636
00:35:21,734 --> 00:35:27,238
That's what Hitler's book
is called, "My Struggle."
637
00:35:27,238 --> 00:35:33,311
That's what "mein kampf" means,
my struggle.
638
00:35:33,311 --> 00:35:38,249
Is there a more
Jewish-sounding book than
639
00:35:38,249 --> 00:35:40,822
-actual Hitler's book?
640
00:35:46,121 --> 00:35:48,192
Should I call this special
"My Struggle"?
641
00:35:48,192 --> 00:35:50,228
Wouldn't that be funny?
642
00:35:50,228 --> 00:35:51,629
[cheers and applause]
643
00:35:51,629 --> 00:35:57,701
I mean, I should call it
"My Struggle."
644
00:35:57,701 --> 00:36:00,638
Honestly, because I feel like
people would believe
645
00:36:00,638 --> 00:36:02,773
that I would take myself
that seriously
646
00:36:02,773 --> 00:36:05,844
to call my comedy special
"Sarah Silverman--
647
00:36:05,844 --> 00:36:07,879
My Struggle."
648
00:36:07,879 --> 00:36:09,747
But also because, like,
649
00:36:09,747 --> 00:36:13,989
when it, you know,
gets translated for Germany...
650
00:36:19,393 --> 00:36:23,394
Some people who would buy it
would be in for, like,
651
00:36:23,394 --> 00:36:25,933
a really big surprise.
652
00:36:27,534 --> 00:36:29,567
I read something about Hitler
I couldn't believe.
653
00:36:29,567 --> 00:36:31,169
I thought I knew everything
there was to know
654
00:36:31,169 --> 00:36:35,039
about Hitler because, you know,
Jews are real Hitler heads.
655
00:36:35,039 --> 00:36:38,376
We wanna know everything.
656
00:36:38,376 --> 00:36:41,379
But I was Wikipedia-ing him,
657
00:36:41,379 --> 00:36:44,850
and--because I had
five minutes.
658
00:36:44,850 --> 00:36:46,484
I never knew this--
maybe you know this.
659
00:36:46,484 --> 00:36:48,047
I never knew this.
This is true.
660
00:36:48,047 --> 00:36:52,590
Hitler, for years,
molested his niece.
661
00:36:52,590 --> 00:36:55,497
[audience murmurs]
Yeah, now he's really canceled.
662
00:36:58,933 --> 00:37:01,003
Can you believe it?
663
00:37:03,538 --> 00:37:04,739
I can.
664
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:10,108
He's probably like, "I don't
know, I killed 6 million Jews.
665
00:37:10,108 --> 00:37:14,046
What, am I gonna
not molest my niece now?"
666
00:37:14,046 --> 00:37:17,348
Yeah, that was
the right response.
667
00:37:17,348 --> 00:37:20,352
I just feel so-- [sighs]
668
00:37:20,352 --> 00:37:25,156
Like, I do this podcast,
and on it, I'm so--thank you.
669
00:37:25,156 --> 00:37:27,692
[cheers and applause]
670
00:37:27,692 --> 00:37:30,061
But I'm so earnest
on it, you know.
671
00:37:30,061 --> 00:37:31,162
And in the past
couple of years,
672
00:37:31,162 --> 00:37:35,066
I've been so Jewy on it,
you know?
673
00:37:35,066 --> 00:37:37,536
Like, I'm godless.
674
00:37:37,536 --> 00:37:38,970
Well, I'm a godless Jew.
675
00:37:38,970 --> 00:37:40,539
People are like, "How can you
be a godless Jew?"
676
00:37:40,539 --> 00:37:41,539
You can.
677
00:37:41,539 --> 00:37:42,708
That's what's so great
about it.
678
00:37:42,708 --> 00:37:44,743
But I--[laughs]
679
00:37:44,743 --> 00:37:47,879
I, um, I've just been
so Jewy on it,
680
00:37:47,879 --> 00:37:50,415
and I think because
there's been so much--
681
00:37:50,415 --> 00:37:54,085
such a rise in anti-Semitism,
and it's like--
682
00:37:54,085 --> 00:37:56,887
I don't know, it's like
if you go, "My mom's a bitch,"
683
00:37:56,887 --> 00:37:58,990
and your friend goes, "Yeah,
your mom's a fucking bitch,"
684
00:37:58,990 --> 00:38:01,496
and you're like,
"What'd you say about my mom?"
685
00:38:04,431 --> 00:38:06,698
But then, you know,
my boyfriend goes,
686
00:38:06,698 --> 00:38:08,299
"Yeah, but then
you do stand-up,
687
00:38:08,299 --> 00:38:10,168
"and you're like,
'Jews are gross,
688
00:38:10,168 --> 00:38:11,437
Jews have diarrhea.'"
689
00:38:11,437 --> 00:38:14,873
And I'm like, "Aw."
690
00:38:14,873 --> 00:38:16,074
Try to justify it.
691
00:38:16,074 --> 00:38:17,375
Like, maybe it's like
I'm, like,
692
00:38:17,375 --> 00:38:21,847
taking back the night
kind of vibe.
693
00:38:21,847 --> 00:38:23,448
But no, I'm, um,
694
00:38:23,448 --> 00:38:26,754
selling out my culture
for laughs.
695
00:38:28,489 --> 00:38:29,955
I mean, if you think about it,
696
00:38:29,955 --> 00:38:32,794
what could be more
authentically Jewish?
697
00:38:35,763 --> 00:38:38,063
No, I'm sorry. I can't help it.
698
00:38:38,063 --> 00:38:40,135
It makes me so much money.
699
00:38:44,872 --> 00:38:46,705
Thank you.
Well--
700
00:38:46,705 --> 00:38:49,774
not your problem, this is my...
701
00:38:49,774 --> 00:38:54,016
kampf to deal with
on mein time.
702
00:38:58,084 --> 00:39:04,289
I feel like I have relationship
advice, really, for men.
703
00:39:04,289 --> 00:39:07,258
You know what?
For tops, I would say.
704
00:39:07,258 --> 00:39:09,727
But, um,
how do I get into this?
705
00:39:09,727 --> 00:39:14,065
Like, I have these friends,
they're a couple.
706
00:39:14,065 --> 00:39:15,633
They're a heterosexual couple,
707
00:39:15,633 --> 00:39:18,103
and I'm good friends
with both of them.
708
00:39:18,103 --> 00:39:22,540
But my God, the guy just--
709
00:39:22,540 --> 00:39:25,376
I watch him repeat the same
pattern over and over again
710
00:39:25,376 --> 00:39:29,347
and it drives me insane.
711
00:39:29,347 --> 00:39:30,748
How do I explain it?
712
00:39:30,748 --> 00:39:32,684
There's an example,
like, she cut her arm.
713
00:39:32,684 --> 00:39:34,486
She's like, "Ow, my arm!"
714
00:39:34,486 --> 00:39:37,659
He says, "You're okay."
715
00:39:39,660 --> 00:39:40,996
Has that ever worked?
716
00:39:42,329 --> 00:39:43,928
Ow, my arm!
717
00:39:43,928 --> 00:39:45,563
You're okay.
718
00:39:45,563 --> 00:39:48,066
Oh, my God, you know what?
I am okay.
719
00:39:48,066 --> 00:39:50,769
Thank you. No!
720
00:39:50,769 --> 00:39:53,337
She doesn't feel worried about.
721
00:39:53,337 --> 00:39:56,107
There's no gesture of concern.
722
00:39:56,107 --> 00:39:57,343
Now she has to double down.
723
00:39:57,343 --> 00:39:59,114
It fucking hurts!
724
00:40:00,948 --> 00:40:03,551
Is that what you were
looking for, Kevin?
725
00:40:05,419 --> 00:40:07,718
Was that the reaction
you wanted?
726
00:40:07,718 --> 00:40:10,889
And yet he does it again
and again, he does this.
727
00:40:10,889 --> 00:40:11,890
And I get it.
728
00:40:11,890 --> 00:40:13,791
I know why he says,
"You're okay."
729
00:40:13,791 --> 00:40:18,496
It's because he very much
wants her to be okay, you know.
730
00:40:18,496 --> 00:40:20,965
And also it's probably
partly like,
731
00:40:20,965 --> 00:40:26,004
you know how with toddlers,
like if a toddler falls down,
732
00:40:26,004 --> 00:40:29,774
our reaction is like,
"Oh, uh, um--mm."
733
00:40:29,774 --> 00:40:32,343
You know,
because they look to us
734
00:40:32,343 --> 00:40:33,877
for a cue,
so we've gotta, like,
735
00:40:33,877 --> 00:40:37,483
fucking pull our shit together
and act like they're fine.
736
00:40:37,483 --> 00:40:40,819
I get that, but women
737
00:40:40,819 --> 00:40:44,559
are not toddlers, they're--
738
00:40:46,593 --> 00:40:52,230
They're just like
regular people, you know?
739
00:40:52,230 --> 00:40:56,934
They want to feel like
you are worried or you're--
740
00:40:56,934 --> 00:41:00,038
just like you do, you know,
just some kind of, like--
741
00:41:00,038 --> 00:41:02,006
just triple the worry.
742
00:41:02,006 --> 00:41:04,810
That's all he has to do,
and he'll get--
743
00:41:04,810 --> 00:41:07,446
he doesn't even
have to mean it, you know?
744
00:41:07,446 --> 00:41:08,513
Ow, my arm!
745
00:41:08,513 --> 00:41:10,718
Fuck, babe, are you okay?
746
00:41:12,285 --> 00:41:14,353
Now she feels cared for.
747
00:41:14,353 --> 00:41:16,054
Now she is okay.
748
00:41:16,054 --> 00:41:17,856
Oh, it's all right,
it's just pain.
749
00:41:17,856 --> 00:41:18,690
What's up?
750
00:41:18,690 --> 00:41:20,592
You know, like, it's--
751
00:41:20,592 --> 00:41:22,495
that's what you want.
752
00:41:22,495 --> 00:41:24,529
He never learns.
753
00:41:24,529 --> 00:41:27,799
Although I will say,
my boyfriend has watched me
754
00:41:27,799 --> 00:41:30,401
do this bit a few times now,
755
00:41:30,401 --> 00:41:35,110
and I swear to God, he has
been markedly more attentive.
756
00:41:36,778 --> 00:41:39,477
So I guess my advice would be,
757
00:41:39,477 --> 00:41:43,014
start doing stand-up comedy.
758
00:41:43,014 --> 00:41:47,452
Really hone it
for years, decades even.
759
00:41:47,452 --> 00:41:49,924
Become one
of the all-time greats.
760
00:41:51,392 --> 00:41:52,694
Or--
761
00:41:58,798 --> 00:42:02,304
Or hey, you know,
somewhere in the top four.
762
00:42:04,571 --> 00:42:09,044
And manipulate your loved ones
through observational comedy.
763
00:42:11,245 --> 00:42:14,980
It's so funny how language
is always changing, obviously.
764
00:42:14,980 --> 00:42:17,516
We don't walk around
saying "doth"
765
00:42:17,516 --> 00:42:20,953
or whatever, a good example?
766
00:42:20,953 --> 00:42:22,521
You know, now we
get the pronouns
767
00:42:22,521 --> 00:42:24,189
and everything--good.
768
00:42:24,189 --> 00:42:25,723
It's really not a big deal.
769
00:42:25,723 --> 00:42:27,392
It's so funny to me
when people are like,
770
00:42:27,392 --> 00:42:30,028
"God, with these pronouns!"
771
00:42:30,028 --> 00:42:31,524
You can fight it.
772
00:42:31,524 --> 00:42:33,364
We're all gonna be saying it
like muscle memory
773
00:42:33,364 --> 00:42:34,666
in five years, you know.
774
00:42:34,666 --> 00:42:36,368
But they always fight it.
775
00:42:36,368 --> 00:42:38,769
I'm so excited to call you
they/them
776
00:42:38,769 --> 00:42:43,175
or whatever the fuck, and I
fuck it up 100% of the time.
777
00:42:43,175 --> 00:42:44,809
And I go, "Oh, God!"
778
00:42:44,809 --> 00:42:47,179
And they're always like,
"Yeah, don't worry about it."
779
00:42:47,179 --> 00:42:49,080
They just--just try.
780
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:51,183
They just want you to try,
that's all, a little effort.
781
00:42:51,183 --> 00:42:53,617
It's like what they say
when you go to France.
782
00:42:53,617 --> 00:42:55,220
You don't just
walk up to someone
783
00:42:55,220 --> 00:42:58,256
and be like,
"Where's the Eiffel Tower?"
784
00:42:58,256 --> 00:43:00,058
You know, it's like, fuck you.
785
00:43:00,058 --> 00:43:02,494
Just, you have to try,
that's all.
786
00:43:02,494 --> 00:43:03,896
You know,
they do all speak English,
787
00:43:03,896 --> 00:43:07,198
but you have to go,
"Uh, parlez-vous--"
788
00:43:07,198 --> 00:43:08,767
oh, don't worry about it.
I speak English.
789
00:43:08,767 --> 00:43:10,836
What do you want? You know.
790
00:43:10,836 --> 00:43:12,470
But I believe in us.
791
00:43:12,470 --> 00:43:16,207
We learned Galifianakis
after just one Hangover movie.
792
00:43:16,207 --> 00:43:18,013
We can do this.
793
00:43:19,913 --> 00:43:23,215
Then there's language
that we've just always known
794
00:43:23,215 --> 00:43:25,784
since we were born,
795
00:43:25,784 --> 00:43:27,853
and we don't think twice
about it.
796
00:43:27,853 --> 00:43:29,788
You know,
we don't question it at all.
797
00:43:29,788 --> 00:43:31,590
I'm talking about balls.
798
00:43:31,590 --> 00:43:32,858
You know, we--
799
00:43:32,858 --> 00:43:35,960
I get it, you know, balls.
800
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:39,430
She's got balls up there, you
know, a girl pair of balls.
801
00:43:39,430 --> 00:43:41,767
Or, like, oh, he's got balls.
802
00:43:41,767 --> 00:43:43,636
That's what we're using?
803
00:43:43,636 --> 00:43:45,971
Balls? Really?
804
00:43:45,971 --> 00:43:50,108
I mean, to mean guts
or moxie or nerve
805
00:43:50,108 --> 00:43:55,046
or courage or strength,
human balls?
806
00:43:55,046 --> 00:43:57,181
I'm sorry.
807
00:43:57,181 --> 00:44:00,422
Is there anything more fragile
in the whole world?
808
00:44:06,994 --> 00:44:08,927
Even a Faberge egg you could, like,
809
00:44:08,927 --> 00:44:11,299
kick down a step, you know?
810
00:44:14,301 --> 00:44:17,135
Balls have to be
the exact right temperature.
811
00:44:17,135 --> 00:44:19,338
Like, they're more finicky
than the Moderna vaccine.
812
00:44:19,338 --> 00:44:20,475
You know, they--
813
00:44:22,642 --> 00:44:24,442
Oh, my God,
balls are so fragile.
814
00:44:24,442 --> 00:44:27,212
Like, when you go in the ocean,
your balls are like,
815
00:44:27,212 --> 00:44:28,646
"Ooh, I'm cold!
816
00:44:28,646 --> 00:44:32,645
I've gotta get up close
to the body!"
817
00:44:32,645 --> 00:44:37,455
That's what we're using
for courage, bravery?
818
00:44:37,455 --> 00:44:39,458
Oh, I'm hot,
I've gotta get low.
819
00:44:39,458 --> 00:44:40,992
Lower!
820
00:44:40,992 --> 00:44:43,498
Let me just peek out
your shorts for one second.
821
00:44:47,935 --> 00:44:49,734
I get it, balls is fun.
822
00:44:49,734 --> 00:44:52,340
You know--balls is fun?
823
00:44:53,808 --> 00:44:55,606
That can't be right. No, it is.
824
00:44:55,606 --> 00:45:00,679
Balls--balls the--
the--the phrase.
825
00:45:00,679 --> 00:45:02,380
What is it?
826
00:45:02,380 --> 00:45:05,178
Right, it seems like
it should be balls are fun.
827
00:45:05,178 --> 00:45:07,352
[audience shouting]
828
00:45:07,352 --> 00:45:09,024
Thank you, lesbian.
829
00:45:13,327 --> 00:45:14,692
No, I get it.
830
00:45:14,692 --> 00:45:16,227
Grammar-wise, I go,
balls is fun to say.
831
00:45:16,227 --> 00:45:18,997
But, like,
"balls" the phrase is fun.
832
00:45:18,997 --> 00:45:21,503
Sorry, my mother
was a grammar Nazi.
833
00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:26,508
The worst kind of Nazi.
834
00:45:30,010 --> 00:45:31,910
But listen,
it doesn't offend me.
835
00:45:31,910 --> 00:45:34,079
Yeah, I say balls.
Yeah, he's got balls.
836
00:45:34,079 --> 00:45:36,281
But you know what I say now,
and it's so much more fun?
837
00:45:36,281 --> 00:45:39,352
Grow a pair of lips.
838
00:45:39,352 --> 00:45:42,220
It's so good.
839
00:45:42,220 --> 00:45:47,593
That guy's got lips to say
that, got fucking lips.
840
00:45:47,593 --> 00:45:48,693
It's fun.
841
00:45:48,693 --> 00:45:52,034
Even my boyfriend says it now,
and he's a toxic male.
842
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:55,433
But it just
makes more sense too.
843
00:45:55,433 --> 00:45:57,702
I'm not just trying to be
like "the feminist version."
844
00:45:57,702 --> 00:46:00,738
I mean,
vaginas are so resilient.
845
00:46:00,738 --> 00:46:05,043
You know, they push out
entire human beings
846
00:46:05,043 --> 00:46:08,680
and then snap back, like,
maybe 60%, but--
847
00:46:08,680 --> 00:46:10,285
that's hot.
848
00:46:12,614 --> 00:46:15,323
It's just crazy.
Balls are pussies.
849
00:46:17,291 --> 00:46:19,127
Pussies are balls.
850
00:46:27,033 --> 00:46:31,036
You know when you hear about,
like, mindfulness, you know,
851
00:46:31,036 --> 00:46:34,672
mindfulness, ooh, mindfulness.
Be mindful.
852
00:46:34,672 --> 00:46:36,975
I feel like it gets
a real eyeroll.
853
00:46:36,975 --> 00:46:38,977
Yeah, it sounds very, like,
854
00:46:38,977 --> 00:46:41,913
coastal elite
liberal tears-ish.
855
00:46:41,913 --> 00:46:44,919
What the fuck
is happening right now?
856
00:46:56,097 --> 00:46:57,629
Hold on, I'm gonna
piece this together.
857
00:46:57,629 --> 00:46:58,897
I know what happened.
858
00:46:58,897 --> 00:47:00,533
He saw no way out.
859
00:47:00,533 --> 00:47:02,968
He had to pee,
860
00:47:02,968 --> 00:47:06,371
and then
he went over a railing.
861
00:47:06,371 --> 00:47:08,373
And it seems like
he wanted attention,
862
00:47:08,373 --> 00:47:10,375
but he didn't,
because I was like,
863
00:47:10,375 --> 00:47:13,281
we're all looking at him,
and he was just like...
864
00:47:18,919 --> 00:47:20,922
I gave you a tucked ass,
but I--
865
00:47:22,322 --> 00:47:25,457
I have a juicier ass
if I want it.
866
00:47:25,457 --> 00:47:27,462
But I can slip a disk.
867
00:47:32,867 --> 00:47:36,734
Mindfulness, yes,
can be very eye-rolly.
868
00:47:36,734 --> 00:47:39,371
But the truth is,
all it means is, like,
869
00:47:39,371 --> 00:47:43,275
to be aware of something
and then act accordingly.
870
00:47:43,275 --> 00:47:45,377
Mindfulness--
it isn't a big deal.
871
00:47:45,377 --> 00:47:48,446
It's like if you're going
to a party and your friend,
872
00:47:48,446 --> 00:47:51,016
before you went, said, "Listen,
you might see Nancy there.
873
00:47:51,016 --> 00:47:54,819
You should know her son passed
away a couple years ago."
874
00:47:54,819 --> 00:47:56,087
Mindfulness.
875
00:47:56,087 --> 00:47:58,757
Now you not to go up to Nancy
and be like,
876
00:47:58,757 --> 00:48:01,463
"Nancy, how's your alive son?"
877
00:48:03,097 --> 00:48:04,523
It's pretty simple.
878
00:48:04,523 --> 00:48:07,298
You know, it's not a big deal.
879
00:48:07,298 --> 00:48:12,170
Although I--
one time I was, um,
880
00:48:12,170 --> 00:48:15,707
I did a television pilot
with a producer
881
00:48:15,707 --> 00:48:17,109
who's in a wheelchair.
882
00:48:17,109 --> 00:48:19,344
He's been in a wheelchair
his whole life.
883
00:48:19,344 --> 00:48:23,214
And after work one day,
we all went out to eat,
884
00:48:23,214 --> 00:48:25,818
and we're laughing, talking.
885
00:48:25,818 --> 00:48:27,786
People are talking about,
like, you know,
886
00:48:27,786 --> 00:48:29,587
what they're watching on TV, whatever.
887
00:48:29,587 --> 00:48:32,224
And all of a sudden I get
this idea, and I'm so excited.
888
00:48:32,224 --> 00:48:35,160
And I look at him, and I go,
you know what you would love?
889
00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:38,033
And he said, "What?"
And I said, "Walking."
890
00:48:42,236 --> 00:48:46,638
Yeah, I thought it was funny,
too, you know?
891
00:48:46,638 --> 00:48:50,178
He did not laugh.
892
00:48:51,445 --> 00:48:54,512
My heart, it was--
I felt so bad.
893
00:48:54,512 --> 00:48:57,849
And it was even worse, too,
because when I thought of it,
894
00:48:57,849 --> 00:48:59,885
I got so giddy and excited.
895
00:48:59,885 --> 00:49:01,119
And I was like...
896
00:49:01,119 --> 00:49:04,357
[chortling]
"You know what you'd like?"
897
00:49:04,357 --> 00:49:05,627
Fucking asshole.
898
00:49:07,294 --> 00:49:09,828
In my defense,
I was not made aware
899
00:49:09,828 --> 00:49:12,100
that he could not take a joke.
900
00:49:18,806 --> 00:49:22,307
Oh, I have new, um, porn.
901
00:49:22,307 --> 00:49:25,878
I have a new, like,
porn genre I watch,
902
00:49:25,878 --> 00:49:27,379
different from my last special,
903
00:49:27,379 --> 00:49:30,282
so I thought
I should catch you up.
904
00:49:30,282 --> 00:49:32,750
It's really--
I feel good about it
905
00:49:32,750 --> 00:49:37,155
because it feels like
a victimless crime, you know.
906
00:49:37,155 --> 00:49:42,160
It's basically, like,
very verbally abusive,
907
00:49:42,160 --> 00:49:44,997
verbally dominant men
908
00:49:44,997 --> 00:49:47,399
having sex with pocket pussies.
909
00:49:47,399 --> 00:49:48,436
Now...
910
00:49:50,171 --> 00:49:51,770
What is a pocket pussy?
911
00:49:51,770 --> 00:49:52,971
Some of you may not know.
912
00:49:52,971 --> 00:49:55,273
It's just what it sounds.
913
00:49:55,273 --> 00:50:00,212
It's a disembodied vagina
that you can have sex with.
914
00:50:00,212 --> 00:50:04,783
And, uh, it's k--um--
I guess--and the--
915
00:50:04,783 --> 00:50:07,652
what it is, is, they--
916
00:50:07,652 --> 00:50:10,454
they take the pocket pussy--
it's very niche.
917
00:50:10,454 --> 00:50:12,623
There's only a few
of these videos.
918
00:50:12,623 --> 00:50:17,629
But they seem to, like, wedge
it between their mattress
919
00:50:17,629 --> 00:50:19,597
and their box spring.
920
00:50:19,597 --> 00:50:22,334
And I don't know
if this is part of it,
921
00:50:22,334 --> 00:50:24,036
but there always seems
to be maybe, like,
922
00:50:24,036 --> 00:50:27,175
a pile of laundry
in the background.
923
00:50:28,542 --> 00:50:30,075
And then they have sex with it.
924
00:50:30,075 --> 00:50:32,243
And then the verbal part is,
they're like,
925
00:50:32,243 --> 00:50:34,312
"Yeah, you whore,
you want this,
926
00:50:34,312 --> 00:50:36,181
you slut, you bitch."
927
00:50:36,181 --> 00:50:38,617
And it just does it for me.
928
00:50:38,617 --> 00:50:39,787
I don't know why.
929
00:50:41,154 --> 00:50:43,755
I would not want this
in real life.
930
00:50:43,755 --> 00:50:45,256
Oh, my gosh, look at you.
931
00:50:45,256 --> 00:50:48,026
There is a grown man
like this--
932
00:50:48,026 --> 00:50:49,564
ah!
933
00:50:51,527 --> 00:50:52,597
It's so cute.
934
00:50:52,597 --> 00:50:54,165
Oh, my gosh.
935
00:50:54,165 --> 00:50:57,936
It's also just when they do it,
it does it for me.
936
00:50:57,936 --> 00:50:59,838
But it also--and I know,
they're so, like,
937
00:50:59,838 --> 00:51:02,407
verbally abusive and--
938
00:51:02,407 --> 00:51:05,410
but it's also just very
vulnerable because, you know,
939
00:51:05,410 --> 00:51:08,716
like, there's--there isn't
a person there.
940
00:51:11,518 --> 00:51:15,987
I don't know, look--are men
who film themselves having sex
941
00:51:15,987 --> 00:51:17,756
with a pocket pussy creeps?
942
00:51:17,756 --> 00:51:19,694
Sure, yes.
943
00:51:21,528 --> 00:51:27,335
But what does that make the
nice lady who's watching them?
944
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:33,241
I'll tell you--a hero.
945
00:51:42,383 --> 00:51:44,549
I just feel like, too,
if I had a penis,
946
00:51:44,549 --> 00:51:47,152
I feel like
I would love a pocket pussy
947
00:51:47,152 --> 00:51:48,486
just from the sound.
948
00:51:48,486 --> 00:51:50,923
Like, it sounds like--
[clicks tongue]
949
00:51:50,923 --> 00:51:52,891
I can't do it.
950
00:51:52,891 --> 00:51:55,694
I didn't know, it's suctiony.
951
00:51:55,694 --> 00:51:57,729
What else is in the news?
952
00:51:57,729 --> 00:51:59,162
All right.
953
00:52:01,402 --> 00:52:07,133
God, my biggest fear,
my all-time number-one fear
954
00:52:07,133 --> 00:52:11,405
is getting dementia
and masturbating in public.
955
00:52:11,405 --> 00:52:13,979
I am...
956
00:52:13,979 --> 00:52:17,248
terrified,
957
00:52:17,248 --> 00:52:19,451
terrified of this.
958
00:52:19,451 --> 00:52:21,819
And it's really ruined
my life because even when
959
00:52:21,819 --> 00:52:26,390
I go to do what's perfectly
natural in my own bedroom,
960
00:52:26,390 --> 00:52:31,597
under my own covers with my
phone, which is masturbate--
961
00:52:31,597 --> 00:52:34,599
to that--
962
00:52:34,599 --> 00:52:37,268
I can't even
come to fruition anymore
963
00:52:37,268 --> 00:52:40,405
without suddenly feeling like,
964
00:52:40,405 --> 00:52:44,571
"Oh, my God, am I doing this
at my grandson's bar mitzvah?"
965
00:52:44,571 --> 00:52:45,747
Like, you know.
966
00:52:53,553 --> 00:52:56,358
Bet you never
thought of that one.
967
00:52:57,525 --> 00:52:59,461
Anyway, now you will.
968
00:53:02,263 --> 00:53:03,727
You know, I was thinking
about this today,
969
00:53:03,727 --> 00:53:10,468
and I have
a very strong moral compass.
970
00:53:10,468 --> 00:53:13,071
I was just thinking
about this today--
971
00:53:13,071 --> 00:53:16,674
very strong moral compass.
972
00:53:16,674 --> 00:53:20,946
And then I realized that
you can't say moral compass
973
00:53:20,946 --> 00:53:23,348
without come and piss.
974
00:53:23,348 --> 00:53:25,420
And I was so excited, you know?
975
00:53:27,388 --> 00:53:32,857
And then I realized that
you can't say moral compass
976
00:53:32,857 --> 00:53:36,962
without oral, come, piss.
977
00:53:36,962 --> 00:53:39,034
And I was so jazzed.
978
00:53:40,901 --> 00:53:45,503
And then I realized that
you can't say moral compass
979
00:53:45,503 --> 00:53:49,240
without mmm, oral, come, piss.
980
00:53:49,240 --> 00:53:51,009
And I was so excited.
981
00:53:51,009 --> 00:53:52,711
I was like, "That's me!"
982
00:53:52,711 --> 00:53:55,013
Thank you, Boston!
983
00:53:55,013 --> 00:53:57,986
[cheers and applause]
984
00:54:26,013 --> 00:54:28,913
[gentle piano music]
985
00:54:28,913 --> 00:54:30,215
♪ ♪
986
00:54:30,215 --> 00:54:33,752
♪ I got something to tell you ♪
987
00:54:33,752 --> 00:54:37,689
♪ But I don't
want to tell you ♪
988
00:54:37,689 --> 00:54:41,087
♪ But your breath smells like ♪
989
00:54:41,087 --> 00:54:44,524
♪ The shit
of a really sick dog ♪
990
00:54:44,524 --> 00:54:46,331
♪ ♪
991
00:54:46,331 --> 00:54:49,602
♪ I got something to tell you ♪
992
00:54:49,602 --> 00:54:52,437
♪ But you won't like it ♪
993
00:54:52,437 --> 00:54:53,605
♪ Fine, I'll tell you ♪
994
00:54:53,605 --> 00:54:56,870
♪ But your breath smells like ♪
995
00:54:56,870 --> 00:54:59,811
♪ A stomachache feels ♪
996
00:54:59,811 --> 00:55:02,313
♪ ♪
997
00:55:02,313 --> 00:55:08,982
♪ Also when we're
in a quiet car ♪
998
00:55:08,982 --> 00:55:11,985
♪ And you bite into an apple ♪
999
00:55:11,985 --> 00:55:14,426
♪ The sound of your chewing ♪
1000
00:55:14,426 --> 00:55:19,631
♪ Makes me wanna fucking die ♪
1001
00:55:19,631 --> 00:55:22,567
♪ Oh, and one more thing ♪
1002
00:55:22,567 --> 00:55:27,472
♪ Well, actually,
two little things ♪
1003
00:55:27,472 --> 00:55:31,176
{\an8}♪ And they are in the corners ♪
1004
00:55:31,176 --> 00:55:34,646
{\an8}♪ Of your gross mouth ♪
1005
00:55:34,646 --> 00:55:36,281
{\an8}♪ ♪
1006
00:55:36,281 --> 00:55:39,184
{\an8}♪ Go like this ♪
1007
00:55:39,184 --> 00:55:41,553
{\an8}♪ And then flick ♪
1008
00:55:41,553 --> 00:55:46,091
{\an8}♪ And then boil your hand ♪
1009
00:55:46,091 --> 00:55:48,493
{\an8}[dramatic drum rhythm]
1010
00:55:48,493 --> 00:55:54,498
{\an8}♪ Your breath smells like
an everything bagel ♪
1011
00:55:54,498 --> 00:55:57,369
{\an8}♪ But the everything
on that bagel ♪
1012
00:55:57,369 --> 00:56:01,574
{\an8}♪ Isn't seeds ♪
1013
00:56:01,574 --> 00:56:04,943
{\an8}♪ It's not seeds ♪
1014
00:56:04,943 --> 00:56:07,479
{\an8}♪ ♪
1015
00:56:07,479 --> 00:56:09,914
{\an8}♪ It's human shit ♪
1016
00:56:09,914 --> 00:56:14,556
{\an8}♪ ♪
1017
00:56:17,925 --> 00:56:20,826
{\an8}[soft piano music]
1018
00:56:20,826 --> 00:56:27,835
{\an8}♪ ♪
1019
00:56:50,390 --> 00:56:53,458
{\an8}♪ I've got something
to tell you ♪
1020
00:56:53,458 --> 00:56:55,728
{\an8}♪ But you won't like it ♪
1021
00:56:55,728 --> 00:56:57,428
{\an8}♪ Fine, I'll tell you ♪
1022
00:56:57,428 --> 00:57:01,033
{\an8}♪ But your breath smells like ♪
1023
00:57:01,033 --> 00:57:04,639
{\an8}♪ A stomachache feels ♪
1024
00:57:08,943 --> 00:57:12,680
[laughs]
1025
00:57:16,584 --> 00:57:18,720
[bright tone]