[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[indistinct chatter]
I get it with no pulp.
If it has pulp, I'm gonna send it back.
Okay.
Sarah, your nanny's here with the triplets.
Oh, yay. Oh, my babies!
Good luck, Mommy.
Oh, sweetie, I don't need luck.
You're a disgrace to my people.
I know. Mommy's so bad.
Mommy, when will you be home?
[mockingly] Mommy, when will you be home?
I'll be home when I'm home, all right?
Colleen, thank you so much.
You're so amazing.
You know, everyone said, don't get a hot nanny.
[sighs]
[whispering] Oh, here I go.
Listen to Colleen, okay?
Do whatever she says. Make sure you brush your teeth.
Your breath smells like shit.
Okay.
People of Earth, introducing Sarah Silverman!
[sighs] Sparkle, peanut.
[cheers and applause]
Hi, hello.
Hmm.
Holy shit!
Thanks.
[laughs]
I know, I'm gonna start with, like, a--
a joke book style joke.
Uh, what did the Jewish mother
say to her porn star daughter
after watching her in a gangbang?
[laughter]
You were the best one.
[laughter]
You were the best one of all of them!
That's a great stereotype, you know.
It's true--Jewish mothers,
they're just so bananas for their kids.
"My Sharon had all holes filled."
I've never seen anything like it.
Anywhere you could put a penis, there was a penis in my Sharon.
I have a girlfriend who told me
she's switching gears, career-wise, and is now a--
a life coach?
Look, I'm not saying all life coaches are crazy,
but I would maybe say that, uh,
crazy people are life coaches.
Is that fair?
She is in absolutely no position
to give other people advice at all.
It's so odd.
Maybe it's like the cobbler's son has no shoes kind of vibe,
but it's bananas.
She can't be alone. She's a total wreck.
She's like, "I can't find a boyfriend,
"and there's no single guys, and half of men are gay,
and I can't tell, and I don't wanna waste my time."
And I'm like, "I don't know if that's an exact statistic."
Then she says, "I just wish that gay men
would wear some kind of symbol."
And I said, "Um, somebody thought of that already."
Look, is that the best joke ever written?
No, I'm not saying it is.
But I do feel like it's a very fresh take
on a Holocaust joke, you know, it's--
'Cause during the Holo-- oh, God, I'm sorry.
Uh...
during the alleged Holocaust...
Homosexuals were made to wear pink triangles,
and Jews had to wear yellow stars.
Hold on a second--when was Lucky Charms invented?
This cannot be a coincidence.
There's no way.
I'm not saying that Lucky Charms are Nazis,
but I would be very interested in knowing
what side of World War II General Mills was on.
[cheers and applause]
All right, sure.
Was there an armband involved?
Was he putting Jews in ovens thinking,
"You know what cereal needs?
"It's gonna sound so crazy, but marshmallows.
"Not--you're thinking of the big fluffy ones.
"No, these would be like the small crunchy ones.
Is that even a thing? Oh, my God, you guys."
My boyfriend was like,
"You can't say 'putting Jews in ovens.'
"It's, like, too harsh.
It doesn't help the joke, you know,"
and I was just like, "Okay, so
"you want me to soften the Holocaust?
"Is that--
"what should I say instead of 'putting Jews in ovens'?
"Like, 'when he was being, like, super cunty to Jews,'
does that work better for you?"
I would never buy a German car, and my parents before me,
they never bought a German car, because, you know,
we don't wanna give our money to Nazis.
But, um,
I just bought a German car.
But only because they're so good, you know?
Plus I feel like all the original Nazis
are dead, you know.
And sure, there are new Nazis, but, you know,
they don't know how to make a car.
[cheers and applause]
Just imagine somebody watching that, like, "Yes, I do!"
Like, oh, so you're a Nazi?
You know what I feel like?
I feel like I could walk up to anyone on the street
and be like, "Hi, I don't know you, this is so weird, but um,
"someone you love who has passed on wants you to know,
"um, it's not your fault.
Does that make sense for you?"
I don't know.
I just feel like maybe 100% of people
will know exactly who I was talking about,
exactly what I was talking about,
and they would be unburdened, you know?
I mean, what a mitzvah, you know.
I mean, I guess you could get drunk with power,
by, you know, take it all back, you know, like,
"Oh, there's something else, wait.
"It's not your fault.
"It's their fault for expecting too much from you?
Does that resonate?"
My best friend Heidi is gay.
Actually, she just called me, and she was like, look,
I don't care if you say that I'm gay.
I don't care if you call me a lesbian.
But if you're interested in how I identify,
I identify as queer.
And I was so excited because, you know,
she's my best friend. I wanna honor that.
But also because I am from this area, the Boston area.
[cheers and applause]
And it's just so exciting to be able to be progressive
whilst saying, "Hold on a second,
you're fucking queer?"
She's like, "Yes."
So my best friend Heidi is fucking queer.
She's like, "I actually don't think
you have to say 'fucking' before it."
Yes.
I said I'm sorry.
She said, "It's okay, I love you."
I said, "I love you, too," and we hung up,
and my boyfriend was like, "Who was that?"
I go, "Some fucking queer."
But you know, I don't know if it's growing up in New England
or growing up in the '80s or some kind
of combination of both,
but homophobia was so deeply embedded in us,
we didn't even notice it.
I mean, we played a game on the playground
called Smear the Queer.
And it was just like nothing.
I mean, even teachers were like,
"Look, if you're gonna play Smear the Queer,
"do it on the other wall.
They're taking the PSATs over here."
Just nothing, just normal.
So Heidi lives in New York, and whenever I'm in New York,
we hook--you know, we-- not hook up, but we hang out.
We have--
we hang out and
scissor our pussies together--no.
But we hang out, and we meet, and--
by the vagina.
No, stop it!
Stop it.
So we meet in Washington.
We met in Washington Square Park.
And she said, "I don't know what's going on.
I've had diarrhea for three straight days."
And I was like...
[smacks lips] "Yeah, I don't know." And--
Well, you know, I'm not a doctor.
So--and we're backpack people,
so she goes, "Go in my backpack and get my water."
So I go in her backpack, and I look,
and there is a huge, mostly-eaten bag of prunes.
I pull it out, I'm like, "Heidi, I solved the case.
You're, like, mowing prunes."
She takes the bag.
"They're not prunes, they're dried plums."
I said, "Let me ask you something.
What do you think prunes are?"
She said, "Are they dried plums?"
She's a therapist, by the way.
I feel like I need you to know that.
But look, I get it.
Big Prune was probably like, "We need to rebrand.
We're the shit fruit."
I get it, it's smart.
I'd love to be in that pitch meeting.
Pete, what do you got?
Uh, Texas raisins?
Okay, sure, they are like big, wrinkly raisins.
But raisins is already a thing.
Pamela, what do you have?
Uh, bathtub toes?
Okay.
That's creative, a bit of a thinker.
But of course, they went with dried plums.
Good.
They should go with dried plums, of course.
That's what they are.
But there should be a warning on the label, you know.
Warning--these are prunes, though, right?
So we're walking and talking, as we love to do,
and we kind of park ourselves across the street
from a Catholic school that's letting out.
And first of all, I just wanna say,
I'm so glad there's still Catholic school.
Because, you know, they canceled the Boy Scouts.
And then I thought they were gonna cancel,
like, all the molesty things.
No, they held strong.
Good for them.
I feel bad for the Boy Scouts.
It's so unfair, you know?
All they wanna do is learn how to, like, tie knots.
And now they can't because grown-ups
won't stop trying to fuck them.
It's like-- and they're punished.
It's stupid.
I--listen, I'd love to think of a solution.
I'm spitballing here, but I'd love to be able
to have the Boy Scouts again.
It's just an idea--
cameras and boys' assholes.
Hear me out.
Hello, Sharks.
No.
You're probably thinking of, like,
a colonoscopy type situation.
No, this would be facing out, you know, like a--
like a Ring camera, you know?
And you can send your kid there and not worry
and just keep an eye out.
If any shenanigans happen--oh!
Get away from our son's asshole!
Okay. He's gone.
I'm gonna put down the make-believe phone.
So we're standing across the street
from a Catholic school that is letting out.
And it's boys and girls leaving,
and the girls are all wearing
Catholic schoolgirl uniforms...
like from porn. I--
I have only ever seen that in porn.
It was very jarring.
Look, I get it, you know, Catholic school started it,
but, like, porn finished it.
I--you know?
Maybe it's time to go another way,
you know, a slack, maybe, or something.
But they're really holding strong.
You know, it's like people who go,
"You know, the swastika was originally
a Hindu symbol for good luck."
Okay, but, like--
not anymore, right?
Okay, so we're standing across the street
from a Catholic school that's letting out,
and the kids are leaving,
and I can no longer contain myself like I once could,
and I just went, "There's no hell!"
And one of the kids was like, "What?"
"I--I'm an adult, and I promise you, there is not hell.
"It's a const-- it's made up by people
"to manipulate you through fear.
"It isn't real, I promise.
"And I promise that knowing there isn't hell,
"you won't suddenly murder or something.
You'll still be a good person."
And Heidi said, "You can't tell other people's kids
there's no hell," and I was like...[gasps]
"Did I ruin hell for them?"
But I just can't bear the thought
of people fearing hell,
moving through their lives fearing hell.
Hell is so terrifying, you know.
I went to church growing up all the time,
because I grew up in New Hampshire.
And I would sleep over at friends' houses on Saturday,
and then I would have to go to church with them on Sunday.
And it was terrifying, you know.
I mean, the priest was threatening us with hell.
It was so scary, you know.
The only fun part was the wafer.
And every time I went to go up,
the mother would go, "Not you!"
I mean, even as a little kid I was like,
"You know, it's not really the body of Christ.
You--like, you bought this at Costco."
What is your fear, that I'm gonna, like,
put a schmear on it?
But it is really scary, church.
I mean, I'm sure, hashtag, not all priests.
But it was terrifying.
Like, if you saw a person screaming
at a kid on the street, telling them they're gonna, you know,
burn in a fire for eternity, you'd probably
call, like, Child Services, you know.
Yeah, there's a man threatening a child.
What's--oh, he's in all black, and he's got, like,
a, um, like, a white embellishment on the collar.
Oh, that's okay?
All right. I'm sorry?
Oh, and they don't pay taxes, great.
Okay, bye-bye.
[cheers and applause]
I just--I can't bear the thought of people
making choices from, like, fearing hell, you know.
I mean, I'm sure this is a godless crowd, but I mean--
[cheering]
Yeah, sure, I mean,
doesn't make you better than anyone else,
but yes, we're mostly godless here.
I'm sure there are some people that are--
believe in hell and st-- not like, "Who are you?
Raise your hand." I mean, I--
No, I have God people in my life, you know.
My sister's a rabbi.
My--I sexted with a "Jeshuit" priest for three years.
So hot.
My God, and it is "Jeshuit," because, like, I said Jesuit,
and then he was, like, "No, it's 'Jeshuit,'"
And then I was like, "Is it Je-shus?"
I wasn't sure if it was a speech impediment.
But no, it's "Jeshuit."
But if you fear hell, I just,
I wish I could release you from it.
So, um, someone you love who has passed on...
Wants you to know, no hell.
There's no hell.
How about this?
[scattered applause]
Oh, thank you, all four of you.
Audiences, they usually work as one,
but you really made a choice.
How about this?
If there's hell,
may God strike me dead right now.
[cheers and applause]
See? No God.
I, um--
I don't-- look, maybe there's hell.
I mean, I know I seemed really positive about it,
but the only way I know-- listen, if the burden of proof
were on me, no, I can't prove there's no hell.
But I just know there is no hell
because I believe it with my whole heart.
And that's science.
You know, but I really do.
It's like anti-choice protesters, you know,
outside of our dwindling abortion clinics
with their big posters of fetuses,
and, you know, they believe with their whole heart
that abortion is murder.
So that puts me in a pickle, but I--
I almost feel, like, a fucked up kinship with them
because I don't like what they're doing,
but they just believe something.
Really, it's the disingenuous politicians that are stripping
our rights away for no good reason
that I hope go to the hell I don't believe in, I guess.
But I--
[cheers and applause]
But these people, you know, they just believe.
And I know what that is.
I know what that feels like to just believe something
with your whole heart, so much so that you want other people
to believe it, too, you know.
I just think that if what you believe is righteous,
you should be able to convince other people
using just only what is the truth.
And, uh, fetuses are not poster-sized.
They're just--
They're only small.
I mean, if fetuses were poster-sized,
I'd be like, yeah, that's a life, you know,
but they're not.
They're just teeny-tiny.
I mean, if fetuses were poster-sized,
those same people would probably hunt them.
It's conjecture on my part, and I looked it up,
and that is the right word.
Look, make the poster.
I support you, just make it actual size, you know?
This is life!
This--
That's life.
Oh, buh.
You're just, you're not changing my mind.
You're just convincing me and everyone at FedEx Kinko's
that you're, like, super gross.
I don't know.
I just don't buy that this is about life
or caring for life or-- [applause]
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
And I feel so weird saying this,
but it's gotta be about hating women or...
maybe fearing women?
You know, because if fetuses weren't inside our bodies,
they'd be everywhere.
You know, we'd spray for them.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, all right.
If fetuses weren't inside our bodies,
it would just be like, "Yeah, I was talking to Mike
"about doing a block party.
"Maybe everyone could bring their own--
"I'll bring my famous egg-- oh, gross.
My famous egg salad."
I'm not a good improviser.
I don't know how that--
Where the block party came from.
I had an existential crisis, a crisis of existence.
It was--well, I was watching TV.
Listen, I'm cool, I watch all the streamers,
but at night, I watch regular cable TV
because I must fall asleep to "Law & Order."
And you know, that's on, like, USA or Ion Television
or MeTV or whatever.
And I just--I don't know what it is--
I can't fall asleep unless it's to the dulcet tones
of softcore murder.
But, um--
so I'm watching,
and this commercial comes on.
It's for Cottonelle Extra Clean, which--
[audience member whistles]
Thank you.
I wipe my pussy with it.
All right.
Well, I do--it is--
as a sidebar to this existential crisis story,
it is my brand, I will say.
I just--because I like the ripples, and it really--
it doesn't break apart into a thousand pieces in my vag--
I'm not trying to make you all come, but I need--
a strong toilet tissue
for my asshole and vagina, and--
or vagina and asshole.
It's a front-to-back correction for the ladies.
Wait.
No, but everyone, not the la--
everyone wipes front to back, right?
Did you just say no? Oh, yes.
You know why I wasn't thinking men
is 'cause I, um,
I don't know where your front starts,
you know, like, I just--
But I'm the worst, though, like, I'm gonna be hon--
I don't know where my pee comes out of specifically, you know.
I only know it's at least three places, but I--
okay, back on track, the special.
Oh, existential crisis.
So this commercial comes on.
It's for Cottonelle Extra Clean.
And this is the commercial-- there's a woman standing
in a field with a microphone, and then there's a row
of outhouses where I guess--
I don't know, people come from far and wide
to take shits?
And--is the premise.
And as people come out, she interviews them.
Okay, so a guy comes out, and she says, "How did it go?"
And he goes, "Good."
And then she goes, "Do you feel clean?"
And he goes, "Yeah."
And then she says--
by the way, what's this?
There's a microphone right here.
What's this? I don't need to do that.
So she says, "How'd it go?" He says, "Good."
She says, "Do you feel clean?" He says, "Yes."
And then she says, "Clean enough to go commando?"
This is when everything I understood about life
just went kablooey because--
Do we wear underwear
to keep from getting shit in our pants?
I've never understood life to be this way.
We're--we're just ballparking it
and then pulling up a cotton shit shield.
Keep our chinos clean.
That's fucking disgusting.
I'm sorry, I do not leave a bathroom
unless I am clean 2 inches deep.
You're supposed to wipe until it comes back clean.
Are you fucking kidding me? No.
For me, there must be blood.
Just a dot, you know.
It's just like a stoplight.
Red means stop.
Green means go, I guess, to the hospital, I guess?
[in deep voice] Hello? Hello?
I can get pretty low.
When I come home, I'm scared, and I walk around my house
like this-- [in gruff voice] Hello, hello.
I look under my bed. Hello!
Look in the closets. Hello!
Hello!
I don't know what I'm going for.
It's like, it's not just that I wanna sound like a man.
I wanna sound like a fucking lunatic.
Hello!
What do I think is gonna happen, like,
murderers are gonna be like, "Let's get out of here,
"this guy's crazy!
What is he, a life coach? Oh!"
Oh! Yeah!
It's called the callback, baby.
Oh, my God. What happened?
Jesus Christ.
I know this is impossible,
but it feels like they switched.
I have a dog.
She's not gonna protect me if murderers come over.
You know, she'll just lie on her back
and be like, "Rub my belly."
But I don't know, in that way I feel like she would
protect me 'cause murderers would be like,
"Oh, what are we doing?"
Oh, I got the greatest road gig.
I got to go to Hawaii to do stand-up.
Like, I got paid to go to fucking Hawaii.
[cheering] And thank you, thank you.
So I go--I go to the hotel, super fancy hotel,
and I go to check in.
Oh, and the lady at the front desk recognized me,
and she was like, "Oh, my God, I love you!
You are in my top four all time favorite comedians."
And I was like, "You know that I know
that means I'm fourth, right?"
I'm not walking away from this like,
"Ooh, maybe I'm second," you know, no.
There's no top four.
I should've just said thank you.
So I go put on my bathing suit. I'm so excited.
I'm gonna go swimming in the pool,
fancy schmancy hotel pool, cabanas, the whole thing.
And in the pool area, there is a sign,
like, a professionally made sign.
And it says, "If you have diarrhea
"or have had diarrhea in the past two weeks,
you are not permitted in our pool."
I mean, just say it-- no Jews allowed.
That's a micro-aggression.
Right?
Are there any Jews here tonight?
[cheering]
Whoa, okay, keep it down.
Just do this. These are precarious times.
I've been so worried on this tour because I'm in,
like, every town, and I feel like people--
you know, there might be someone going,
"I wanna kill all the Jews in Boston.
But how will we get them all into one room?"
Hello.
Real Lenny/Squiggy moment.
Who's Jewish, just real close?
[audience cheers] You, doll.
What's your name, doll?
Kim.
- Kim. - [unintelligible]
What'd you say?
[unintelligible]
Oh, Kim Epstein. Aw.
[laughter] No, don't let him have Epstein.
Think of Juan Epstein. Hey!
Signed, Epstein's mother.
Huh? This is your wife?
All right.
She took your name?
- So-- - Hyphened.
Oh, what's the hyphen?
Martin.
Huh. Now I forgot your first name.
Kim Martin-Epstein, hello.
Can I--all right, Kim, may I ask you a question as a Jew?
Okay.
Have you ever gone 14 days with zero diarrhea?
That would be absurd, I know.
No, that would be-- that would be, uh...
considered a miracle in our religion, right?
I mean, what's the big miracle?
Hanukkah.
You know what that miracle is?
A lamp worked.
Longer than expected.
This blows that out of the water.
We light this candle
to celebrate
Kim Martin-Epstein,
who, despite only having enough Imodium A-D for two nights...
Lasted 14 nights.
And she was able to swim
at the Four Seasons pool, praying and--
I don't know why people hate Jews so much, you know.
I mean, I get a little, but so much?
There's barely any of us.
I mean, Jews make up, what, like, 1/5 of 1% of the world.
Like, if you round down, there are zero of us.
Fucking relax, Jews will not replace you, Tyler.
We could barely replace ourselves.
I even asked Siri. I go, "Hey, Siri." Boop boop.
"How many Jews are in the world?"
And she said, "Too many."
I was like, Siri!
Disable location.
Just to be safe.
Let's switch gears.
Hitler wrote a book.
Oh, snap!
We stayed on topic.
What's Hitler's book called?
all: "Mein Kampf."
Some of the non-Jews I feel like answered that as well.
No, I keep it on mein nightstand.
What does "mein kampf" mean?
- all: My struggle. - My struggle!
Don't yell at me about it.
That's what "mein kampf" means, my struggle.
That's what Hitler's book is called, "My Struggle."
That's what "mein kampf" means, my struggle.
Is there a more Jewish-sounding book than
-actual Hitler's book?
Should I call this special "My Struggle"?
Wouldn't that be funny?
[cheers and applause]
I mean, I should call it "My Struggle."
Honestly, because I feel like people would believe
that I would take myself that seriously
to call my comedy special "Sarah Silverman--
My Struggle."
But also because, like,
when it, you know, gets translated for Germany...
Some people who would buy it would be in for, like,
a really big surprise.
I read something about Hitler I couldn't believe.
I thought I knew everything there was to know
about Hitler because, you know, Jews are real Hitler heads.
We wanna know everything.
But I was Wikipedia-ing him,
and--because I had five minutes.
I never knew this-- maybe you know this.
I never knew this. This is true.
Hitler, for years, molested his niece.
[audience murmurs] Yeah, now he's really canceled.
Can you believe it?
I can.
He's probably like, "I don't know, I killed 6 million Jews.
What, am I gonna not molest my niece now?"
Yeah, that was the right response.
I just feel so-- [sighs]
Like, I do this podcast, and on it, I'm so--thank you.
[cheers and applause]
But I'm so earnest on it, you know.
And in the past couple of years,
I've been so Jewy on it, you know?
Like, I'm godless.
Well, I'm a godless Jew.
People are like, "How can you be a godless Jew?"
You can.
That's what's so great about it.
But I--[laughs]
I, um, I've just been so Jewy on it,
and I think because there's been so much--
such a rise in anti-Semitism, and it's like--
I don't know, it's like if you go, "My mom's a bitch,"
and your friend goes, "Yeah, your mom's a fucking bitch,"
and you're like, "What'd you say about my mom?"
But then, you know, my boyfriend goes,
"Yeah, but then you do stand-up,
"and you're like, 'Jews are gross,
Jews have diarrhea.'"
And I'm like, "Aw."
Try to justify it.
Like, maybe it's like I'm, like,
taking back the night kind of vibe.
But no, I'm, um,
selling out my culture for laughs.
I mean, if you think about it,
what could be more authentically Jewish?
No, I'm sorry. I can't help it.
It makes me so much money.
Thank you. Well--
not your problem, this is my...
kampf to deal with on mein time.
I feel like I have relationship advice, really, for men.
You know what? For tops, I would say.
But, um, how do I get into this?
Like, I have these friends, they're a couple.
They're a heterosexual couple,
and I'm good friends with both of them.
But my God, the guy just--
I watch him repeat the same pattern over and over again
and it drives me insane.
How do I explain it?
There's an example, like, she cut her arm.
She's like, "Ow, my arm!"
He says, "You're okay."
Has that ever worked?
Ow, my arm!
You're okay.
Oh, my God, you know what? I am okay.
Thank you. No!
She doesn't feel worried about.
There's no gesture of concern.
Now she has to double down.
It fucking hurts!
Is that what you were looking for, Kevin?
Was that the reaction you wanted?
And yet he does it again and again, he does this.
And I get it.
I know why he says, "You're okay."
It's because he very much wants her to be okay, you know.
And also it's probably partly like,
you know how with toddlers, like if a toddler falls down,
our reaction is like, "Oh, uh, um--mm."
You know, because they look to us
for a cue, so we've gotta, like,
fucking pull our shit together and act like they're fine.
I get that, but women
are not toddlers, they're--
They're just like regular people, you know?
They want to feel like you are worried or you're--
just like you do, you know, just some kind of, like--
just triple the worry.
That's all he has to do, and he'll get--
he doesn't even have to mean it, you know?
Ow, my arm!
Fuck, babe, are you okay?
Now she feels cared for.
Now she is okay.
Oh, it's all right, it's just pain.
What's up?
You know, like, it's--
that's what you want.
He never learns.
Although I will say, my boyfriend has watched me
do this bit a few times now,
and I swear to God, he has been markedly more attentive.
So I guess my advice would be,
start doing stand-up comedy.
Really hone it for years, decades even.
Become one of the all-time greats.
Or--
Or hey, you know, somewhere in the top four.
And manipulate your loved ones through observational comedy.
It's so funny how language is always changing, obviously.
We don't walk around saying "doth"
or whatever, a good example?
You know, now we get the pronouns
and everything--good.
It's really not a big deal.
It's so funny to me when people are like,
"God, with these pronouns!"
You can fight it.
We're all gonna be saying it like muscle memory
in five years, you know.
But they always fight it.
I'm so excited to call you they/them
or whatever the fuck, and I fuck it up 100% of the time.
And I go, "Oh, God!"
And they're always like, "Yeah, don't worry about it."
They just--just try.
They just want you to try, that's all, a little effort.
It's like what they say when you go to France.
You don't just walk up to someone
and be like, "Where's the Eiffel Tower?"
You know, it's like, fuck you.
Just, you have to try, that's all.
You know, they do all speak English,
but you have to go, "Uh, parlez-vous--"
oh, don't worry about it. I speak English.
What do you want? You know.
But I believe in us.
We learned Galifianakis after just one Hangover movie.
We can do this.
Then there's language that we've just always known
since we were born,
and we don't think twice about it.
You know, we don't question it at all.
I'm talking about balls.
You know, we--
I get it, you know, balls.
She's got balls up there, you know, a girl pair of balls.
Or, like, oh, he's got balls.
That's what we're using?
Balls? Really?
I mean, to mean guts or moxie or nerve
or courage or strength, human balls?
I'm sorry.
Is there anything more fragile in the whole world?
Even a Faberge egg you could, like,
kick down a step, you know?
Balls have to be the exact right temperature.
Like, they're more finicky than the Moderna vaccine.
You know, they--
Oh, my God, balls are so fragile.
Like, when you go in the ocean, your balls are like,
"Ooh, I'm cold!
I've gotta get up close to the body!"
That's what we're using for courage, bravery?
Oh, I'm hot, I've gotta get low.
Lower!
Let me just peek out your shorts for one second.
I get it, balls is fun.
You know--balls is fun?
That can't be right. No, it is.
Balls--balls the-- the--the phrase.
What is it?
Right, it seems like it should be balls are fun.
[audience shouting]
Thank you, lesbian.
No, I get it.
Grammar-wise, I go, balls is fun to say.
But, like, "balls" the phrase is fun.
Sorry, my mother was a grammar Nazi.
The worst kind of Nazi.
But listen, it doesn't offend me.
Yeah, I say balls. Yeah, he's got balls.
But you know what I say now, and it's so much more fun?
Grow a pair of lips.
It's so good.
That guy's got lips to say that, got fucking lips.
It's fun.
Even my boyfriend says it now, and he's a toxic male.
But it just makes more sense too.
I'm not just trying to be like "the feminist version."
I mean, vaginas are so resilient.
You know, they push out entire human beings
and then snap back, like, maybe 60%, but--
that's hot.
It's just crazy. Balls are pussies.
Pussies are balls.
You know when you hear about, like, mindfulness, you know,
mindfulness, ooh, mindfulness. Be mindful.
I feel like it gets a real eyeroll.
Yeah, it sounds very, like,
coastal elite liberal tears-ish.
What the fuck is happening right now?
Hold on, I'm gonna piece this together.
I know what happened.
He saw no way out.
He had to pee,
and then he went over a railing.
And it seems like he wanted attention,
but he didn't, because I was like,
we're all looking at him, and he was just like...
I gave you a tucked ass, but I--
I have a juicier ass if I want it.
But I can slip a disk.
Mindfulness, yes, can be very eye-rolly.
But the truth is, all it means is, like,
to be aware of something and then act accordingly.
Mindfulness-- it isn't a big deal.
It's like if you're going to a party and your friend,
before you went, said, "Listen, you might see Nancy there.
You should know her son passed away a couple years ago."
Mindfulness.
Now you not to go up to Nancy and be like,
"Nancy, how's your alive son?"
It's pretty simple.
You know, it's not a big deal.
Although I-- one time I was, um,
I did a television pilot with a producer
who's in a wheelchair.
He's been in a wheelchair his whole life.
And after work one day, we all went out to eat,
and we're laughing, talking.
People are talking about, like, you know,
what they're watching on TV, whatever.
And all of a sudden I get this idea, and I'm so excited.
And I look at him, and I go, you know what you would love?
And he said, "What?" And I said, "Walking."
Yeah, I thought it was funny, too, you know?
He did not laugh.
My heart, it was-- I felt so bad.
And it was even worse, too, because when I thought of it,
I got so giddy and excited.
And I was like...
[chortling] "You know what you'd like?"
Fucking asshole.
In my defense, I was not made aware
that he could not take a joke.
Oh, I have new, um, porn.
I have a new, like, porn genre I watch,
different from my last special,
so I thought I should catch you up.
It's really-- I feel good about it
because it feels like a victimless crime, you know.
It's basically, like, very verbally abusive,
verbally dominant men
having sex with pocket pussies.
Now...
What is a pocket pussy?
Some of you may not know.
It's just what it sounds.
It's a disembodied vagina that you can have sex with.
And, uh, it's k--um-- I guess--and the--
what it is, is, they--
they take the pocket pussy-- it's very niche.
There's only a few of these videos.
But they seem to, like, wedge it between their mattress
and their box spring.
And I don't know if this is part of it,
but there always seems to be maybe, like,
a pile of laundry in the background.
And then they have sex with it.
And then the verbal part is, they're like,
"Yeah, you whore, you want this,
you slut, you bitch."
And it just does it for me.
I don't know why.
I would not want this in real life.
Oh, my gosh, look at you.
There is a grown man like this--
ah!
It's so cute.
Oh, my gosh.
It's also just when they do it, it does it for me.
But it also--and I know, they're so, like,
verbally abusive and--
but it's also just very vulnerable because, you know,
like, there's--there isn't a person there.
I don't know, look--are men who film themselves having sex
with a pocket pussy creeps?
Sure, yes.
But what does that make the nice lady who's watching them?
I'll tell you--a hero.
I just feel like, too, if I had a penis,
I feel like I would love a pocket pussy
just from the sound.
Like, it sounds like-- [clicks tongue]
I can't do it.
I didn't know, it's suctiony.
What else is in the news?
All right.
God, my biggest fear, my all-time number-one fear
is getting dementia and masturbating in public.
I am...
terrified,
terrified of this.
And it's really ruined my life because even when
I go to do what's perfectly natural in my own bedroom,
under my own covers with my phone, which is masturbate--
to that--
I can't even come to fruition anymore
without suddenly feeling like,
"Oh, my God, am I doing this at my grandson's bar mitzvah?"
Like, you know.
Bet you never thought of that one.
Anyway, now you will.
You know, I was thinking about this today,
and I have a very strong moral compass.
I was just thinking about this today--
very strong moral compass.
And then I realized that you can't say moral compass
without come and piss.
And I was so excited, you know?
And then I realized that you can't say moral compass
without oral, come, piss.
And I was so jazzed.
And then I realized that you can't say moral compass
without mmm, oral, come, piss.
And I was so excited.
I was like, "That's me!"
Thank you, Boston!
[cheers and applause]
[gentle piano music]
♪ ♪
♪ I got something to tell you ♪
♪ But I don't want to tell you ♪
♪ But your breath smells like ♪
♪ The shit of a really sick dog ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I got something to tell you ♪
♪ But you won't like it ♪
♪ Fine, I'll tell you ♪
♪ But your breath smells like ♪
♪ A stomachache feels ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Also when we're in a quiet car ♪
♪ And you bite into an apple ♪
♪ The sound of your chewing ♪
♪ Makes me wanna fucking die ♪
♪ Oh, and one more thing ♪
♪ Well, actually, two little things ♪
♪ And they are in the corners ♪
♪ Of your gross mouth ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Go like this ♪
♪ And then flick ♪
♪ And then boil your hand ♪
[dramatic drum rhythm]
♪ Your breath smells like an everything bagel ♪
♪ But the everything on that bagel ♪
♪ Isn't seeds ♪
♪ It's not seeds ♪
♪ ♪
♪ It's human shit ♪
♪ ♪
[soft piano music]
♪ ♪
♪ I've got something to tell you ♪
♪ But you won't like it ♪
♪ Fine, I'll tell you ♪
♪ But your breath smells like ♪
♪ A stomachache feels ♪
[laughs]
[bright tone]