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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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["Birdhouse In Your Soul"
by They Might Be Giants playing]
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- ♪ But I'm a little glowing friend ♪
- [audience cheering]
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♪ But really
I'm not actually your friend ♪
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[song fades out]
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- [song resumes]
- [audience continues cheering]
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♪ Blue canary in the outlet
By the light switch ♪
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♪ Who watches over you? ♪
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♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪
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♪ Not to put too fine a point on it... ♪
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- Hey!
- [audience cheering and applauding]
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[Hannah laughs]
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Thank you.
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[cheering and applause fade]
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I got married.
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[audience cheers]
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I know, I know.
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It's nice.
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I like it, I like it.
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That's what this show's going to be about.
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I know.
It's going to be a romantic comedy.
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Yeah.
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Yucky! [chuckles] Blech.
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No, but it's true,
this is going to be a feel-good show.
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- Yes!
- [audience cheering]
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Yes, it's going to be a feel-good show,
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because I believe I owe you one.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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Yeah.
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I have dragged you
through a bit of my shit over the years,
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and you've stuck with me. Much obliged!
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But it's time for some payoff.
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So that's what this is going to be,
a bit of ta-da. Right?
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Just for an hour or so,
we're gonna feel good, right?
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I'm gonna make you,
a roomful of relative strangers,
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feel good together, right?
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My hands where you can see them.
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Yeah? Eh? Little lesbian joke
just sprinkled in there.
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Off to a good start, I'd say.
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Off to a good start.
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Before I do kick off,
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I do want to acknowledge
that the world is ending.
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I don't want you to think I'm oblivious.
I'm not. I've clocked it.
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We're done. We're cooked.
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We're cooked. But the thing is,
I don't think I can solve it.
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Not tonight. Not...
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Not in the time allocated.
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So, I'm just gonna ignore it,
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and, just for the next hour,
we're gonna feel good together,
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and then we can head back out there
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and be the mass extinction event
that we are.
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Are you ready for that? All right.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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There we go.
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Jenney is my spouse-lady's name. Yeah.
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- You clap a fact. You clap a fact.
- [audience applauding]
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[Hannah chuckles]
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I... I call her Jenno,
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because, you know, g'day. Uh...
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She thinks it's cute, so that's great.
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That's a solid result for no effort.
You gotta be happy with that.
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I tell you what,
it was a very steep learning curve
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for the pair of us
to organize a betrothal.
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Uh, fuck me,
straight people have a lot of feelings.
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They've got a lot of feelings
about weddings. I didn't know.
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It's a thing.
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I suppose, because I have been not invited
for so long,
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I... I didn't know
it was a special occasion.
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Who knew? Straight people.
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We made a lot of mistakes though, apparently.
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Um, we had a shark cake, for one.
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[audience laughing]
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Yep. Our wedding cake was a novelty cake.
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Yep. It just had
a big, fuck-off shark's head
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coming out the top. Just... [growls]
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It was a great white.
Thank you for asking.
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Um...
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It had two killer side-eye happening,
two rows of teeth,
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because facts.
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Just coming out of the top of the cake.
[growls] "Shark cake."
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We had the little figurines
you're supposed to have on a wedding cake.
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What are they called? Hood ornaments?
I'm not sure. I don't care.
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Most people have a bride and groom,
but we didn't, because facts.
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We... we went with two otters...
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holding hands.
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I know.
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In the shark's mouth.
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- [audience laughing and applauding]
- [growls]
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People didn't like it.
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They were thrown.
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Like... [shrilly] "Why'd you have
a shark cake, a silly, novelty cake?"
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"I don't like it."
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[in normal voice]
That's not how they sound.
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That's how I hear them,
and that's an important distinction.
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But we had a good reason
for having a novelty cake.
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Uh, the reason being
we wanted to trick a Christian baker.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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Yep, we wanted to trick a Christian baker
into making a gay wedding cake, and...
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it worked. It was like,
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"Nah, mate, that's not a wedding cake.
I'm turning ten."
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[audience laughing]
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Easy. So gullible.
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Believe anything, Christians.
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[audience laughing]
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[Hannah chuckles]
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[chuckles] No.
So, he's going to hell. Uh, your...
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We've all gotta do our bit
to get through this gay agenda.
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Um... sending Christian bakers to hell
one at a time.
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Very efficient activism, isn't it?
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I didn't say
who it's a feel-good show for.
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I should have.
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I'm feeling real good.
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[sighs]
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I suppose one of the reasons
Jenno and I struggled to wedding correctly
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is because neither of us had spent
any of our life thinking about it,
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like, planning our "special day."
Apparently, you're supposed to.
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As the... as the lady-born amongst us,
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you're supposed to spend
an inordinate amount of time fantasizing
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about the color scheme
and floral arrangement
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of the day you're sold off. And I...
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I'd just never given it a thought.
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'Cause it was not an option for me
for a long time.
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You gotta remember I grew up in a time
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when us gays weren't even allowed
to adopt a fucking highway.
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Right? Much less marry someone
we wanted to touch.
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So why would I waste my time?
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Jenno is bisexual,
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so technically,
she could've half-thought about it.
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[audience laughing]
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But she didn't. Busy, too busy.
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Classic bisexual. Am I right?
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[audience laughing]
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Eh? No.
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No, I'm not right.
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That's a nasty stereotype.
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But I do like to brag
that I married a bisexual woman.
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Because it upsets
a very particular kind of man
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that I really enjoy upsetting.
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Because this is a decision.
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And you weren't.
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Again, I didn't specify
who this was a feel-good show for.
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We loved our wedding, by the way.
I should note that. We had a great time.
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It was a very small ceremony at home.
Just a spattering of friends and family.
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Only my friends and family
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because I'm the priority.
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[scattered laughter]
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That's a joke, and it's not my best work,
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so well done, you,
for giving that a lukewarm response.
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You read the room. I appreciate that.
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No, uh, the reason being
is Jenno is American, right?
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"What? Oh, no!" Diversity. You're welcome.
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So it was pandemic-depending.
Our borders closed,
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so Jenno's family and friends
couldn't come to our wedding,
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which is sad.
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But also, is it?
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[audience laughing]
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One of the things about wedding culture
I don't understand
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is the pressure on the proposal.
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In that time between when you are engaged
and when you get married, right,
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in that little perineum of time, it's...
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It is like that.
It's a little perineum of time,
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because it's... it's not the destination,
but it's very exciting to be there.
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In...
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In that little perineum of time,
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the only thing anybody ever wants to know
is, "How did you propose?"
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"How did you propose?"
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I'm like, "Don't you wanna know her name?"
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Like, "No. Who cares?"
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Apparently, you're supposed to propose
on a beach, or at sunset, or some shit.
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All right, I'll give you sunset.
Sunset's nice.
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But the beach? Fuck off.
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I hate the beach.
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Like, I don't trust sand.
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I don't.
It's never where it says it's gonna be.
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Guaranteed, six months
after I've been to the beach,
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I will find a pearl on my person.
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[audience laughing]
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That's another little perineum joke
if you think about it, isn't it?
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Yeah, a little diamond in the muff.
He gets it.
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[audience laughing]
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Apparently, a proposal is supposed to be
a big, romantic gesture.
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Go big, or go home alone.
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Right?
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And I don't understand
where the romance is supposed to live
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in a proposal.
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'Cause from what I can gather,
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a proposal is, at best,
reverse-engineered spontaneity.
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At worst, it's an ambush.
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[audience laughing]
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Like, best-case scenario,
at least the partners have a team meeting.
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Right? They have a team meeting,
they make a plan,
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they propose a proposal, which is weird.
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And then they make up a to-do list,
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complete with props and a destination,
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a beach, perhaps.
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Then one of the partners
sets to ticking off the to-do list
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while the other partner sets to forgetting
they were ever involved.
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[audience laughing]
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So when the proposal finally happens,
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they're like,
"Oh, my God! I'm so surprised."
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"Look at that ring!
Oh, my God, Oh, my God. Oh, my God!"
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"I've never seen anything so beautiful!"
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Fucking stop it.
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Seriously. You chose that ring!
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Stop gaslighting yourself.
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It's embarrassing.
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But that's the best-case scenario.
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Because otherwise,
there's no team meeting.
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One of the partners just assumes
they're a fucking catch.
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[audience laughing]
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The temerity! And...
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It is my understanding,
in the cis-hetero world,
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it's the man one.
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Now, that's a gross generalization, absolutely.
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But it's also 100% true.
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[audience laughing]
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I did my own research.
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Confirmed my own bias.
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But it is the man one, which is fun.
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Because who handles rejection the best?
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[audience laughing]
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Men who think they're a fucking catch.
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So that's a recipe for a good time
if ever I've heard one.
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Say yes, we get married.
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Say no, I stalk you. Romance!
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It's a trap.
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[audience laughing and applauding]
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Thank you, thank you. Very kind.
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It's like you're being coached.
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I proposed to Jenno.
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Um, it wasn't a given.
I'm not the man one.
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Um... [laughing]
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We're in a genuinely
queer relationship, right?
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Which means
when it comes to the division of labor,
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we just divvy up the jobs
according to actual skill sets
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and whoever can be fucked.
[chuckling] And...
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And it works. It really does.
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We always, almost,
remember to put the bins out.
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Every week, almost.
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It's a great-- It's a great time.
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It's a great time.
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But I-- I did propose.
We did have the team meeting.
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We had a team meeting, we decided that,
yes, we wanted some of that
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sweet, sweet, sweet
administrative privilege.
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Then we just didn't do anything about it.
We got busy. Classic.
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Right. And then I ended up proposing.
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And I didn't...
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I didn't plan to.
250
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,200
I didn't wake up the morning of going,
"Today's the day."
251
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,560
I pretty much ambushed both of us.
252
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:53,480
Right? I didn't have a speech.
I didn't have a ring.
253
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,360
I didn't have a destination.
254
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:59,280
I did not get down on bended knee.
Fuck that shit. I...
255
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,200
Why? I've had three knee reconstructions.
256
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,240
My patella are spongy.
257
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:07,000
It's actually quite painful
for me to kneel.
258
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,240
That's why I can't sleep with men.
259
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,520
[audience laughing and applauding]
260
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,000
That's a... that's a joke.
261
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,560
And it doesn't even make sense.
262
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,240
There are other
far more compelling reasons.
263
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,360
[laughs]
264
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,200
I actually proposed like this.
I did this. [groans]
265
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,560
This is nice. Good stretch.
266
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,120
People ask me,
"You've had three knee reconstructions."
267
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,320
"Are you an athlete?"
268
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,960
To which I go,
"No, but are you a detective?"
269
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,160
[audience laughing]
270
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:45,920
"'Cause you're not very good."
271
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:50,320
[chuckles] "You must've played netball.
That's bad for the knees."
272
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:54,240
"You must've played netball."
Fuck off! I played... No, I did not.
273
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,560
Netball is for sluts.
274
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,040
[audience laughing]
275
00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:59,720
I'm not gonna play netball.
276
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,160
I stand by that. Netball is for sluts.
277
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:11,320
To be clear, I have nothing against
either netball or sluts.
278
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,640
I'm a big fan of both, if I'm honest.
279
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:16,560
[chuckles]
280
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:18,920
I just like saying it.
281
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:22,680
It's just got a good click to it,
you know?
282
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,680
"Netball is for sluts."
283
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,520
It's cathartic. It's my mantra.
284
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,920
It... it got me through the pandemic.
285
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:31,760
It did.
286
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,720
It's like, "Oh, I can't work.
Netball is for sluts! Come on!"
287
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,680
It was a good time. It was a good time.
288
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:44,520
I say it a lot. But the thing is,
Jenno doesn't know what netball is.
289
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,680
And I won't tell her.
290
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:50,040
Because you gotta keep the mystery alive.
You know what I mean?
291
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,000
Even if I did wanna explain netball
to her,
292
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,440
how do you do that?
293
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:57,440
"It's like basketball,
294
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,840
but as soon as you get the ball,
the floor is lava."
295
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,760
[audience laughing]
296
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,920
It's just a lot of people
running around in bibs,
297
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,840
but nobody can dribble.
298
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:12,360
And I'm not gonna take her to a game.
Absolutely not.
299
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,000
There is far too much of this.
300
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,080
All the time. Just...
301
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,560
- [mumbling humorously]
- [audience laughing]
302
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,240
Jenno is Jewish.
303
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,280
[audience cheering]
304
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,120
I know!
305
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,600
[mouthing] I know.
306
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,520
That's... [grunts]
307
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,480
Actually, I should tell you why.
I have a lot of injuries
308
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,960
because I have
what's called a "problematic gait."
309
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:51,360
Uh, that's what the doctor called it.
The doctor called it a "problematic gait."
310
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,880
He wasn't a gynecologist.
Not that kind of gate.
311
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,240
It's very different, very different.
312
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,480
[chuckles, growls]
313
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,280
That's why I can't sleep with men.
It's like... [growls]
314
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,200
No.
315
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:08,800
That's how I proposed.
316
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,120
I was actually having a panic attack
when I proposed.
317
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,200
Why not? What a time to be alive!
318
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,640
[audience laughing]
319
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,920
But Jenno said this thing
that she always says to me
320
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,800
when I'm having a bit of a meltdown.
321
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,600
She said, "Don't panic."
322
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,720
Which, on its own, is bullshit.
Don't say that.
323
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:31,320
If you see someone having a panic attack,
don't go, "Are you panicking?"
324
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,880
"Have you tried not?" Like, that's...
325
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:36,320
That's bullshit.
326
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,960
But it's what Jenno says next
that brings it home.
327
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,560
She said, "Don't panic.
Who do you wanna be?"
328
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,720
And my brain hears that, and it's like...
329
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,800
Because in my brain,
when I'm having a panic attack,
330
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,680
I'm going, "What do I do?
What do I do? What should I do?"
331
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,520
"What am I supposed to do? What's the
right thing to do? What do I do?"
332
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,160
And she said, "Stop. Who?"
333
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,560
"Who do you wanna be?"
334
00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:00,480
And my brain hears that
and just goes, "A game!"
335
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,720
I love games. Panic's over.
I am that simple.
336
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,920
[audience laughing]
337
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:11,160
And on this particular day,
she's gone, "Who do you wanna be?"
338
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,200
And I've gone,
339
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,440
"Your wife."
340
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:17,320
- I know, I know.
- [audience applauding]
341
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,280
I agree with you.
342
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:21,760
I agree with you.
343
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:26,000
That's... that's tidy, right?
344
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,120
It's borderline adorable.
345
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,400
But apparently, it's not enough
for the keepers of the genre.
346
00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:37,240
Keepers of the proposal genre
want proof of a plan.
347
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,240
They want a bit of effort.
They want some context in the story,
348
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:42,600
and I cannot give you that.
349
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,360
If I was to paint any more of a picture
than I've just given you, no good.
350
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,360
No romance. There was a death.
351
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,720
I'm not gonna go into it.
This is a feel-good show.
352
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,160
But just so you know it's there.
353
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,480
This is a feel-good show.
This is not a trap.
354
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,560
I'm not doing that thing I'm famous for.
355
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,120
I lull you into a false sense of security.
You're like, "This feels good."
356
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,920
Then I go, "No, don't feel good.
Feel bad. Go home. Feel worse." That...
357
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,960
is not what's going on here.
This is a feel-good show.
358
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,360
- Or is it?
- [audience laughing]
359
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,000
No, it is. It is.
360
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,000
It is. [chuckles]
361
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,040
I would love to turn that
into a romantic, lovely story.
362
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:24,400
Right? I really would.
I don't want to be contrary all the time.
363
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:25,800
But I can't.
364
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,040
I can't turn that into a... a lovely story.
365
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:32,360
And I-- it's disappointing,
'cause I'm good at a story.
366
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,680
I'm a little bit of a professional,
if I'm honest.
367
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,600
But I can't do it, right?
And Jenno can't tell that story,
368
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:43,040
'cause she's shit at stories.
Like, she's fucking bad, right?
369
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,880
And to be fair,
that's not my personal opinion.
370
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,920
I love the way Jenno tells the story.
371
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,600
It's just the opinion
of every other person that's ever met her.
372
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:53,640
[audience laughing]
373
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,280
But I do love the way she tells a story.
374
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,720
It's got to the stage in our relationship,
we tell couple's stories now.
375
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,080
I know. Blech. But... True.
376
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,160
And I defer. I do.
I go, "You tell it, Jenno."
377
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:09,400
And you can see the look of horror
descending on people's faces.
378
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,000
They're like,
"No! You were supposed to help."
379
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,240
"You're a professional."
380
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,040
I'm like, "Day off, mate. Go on, Jenno."
381
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,040
I get my storytelling skills off my mum.
382
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,720
She's an excellent storyteller,
one of the best.
383
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,160
The thing about my mum is
she always, without fail,
384
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,280
lands the story plane.
385
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,520
Right? It's an incredible skill.
386
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,040
But her superpower,
387
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:39,160
her storytelling superpower,
is she is really great
388
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,360
at hijacking other people's story planes...
389
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,000
and landing in on their face.
390
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,480
[audience laughing]
391
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,040
Like, it's a marvel, but also frightening.
392
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:55,800
I am very happy to report
that my mum and Jenno get along very well.
393
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,200
It's a relief,
because I don't have the constitution
394
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,920
to deal with that kind of tension.
395
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:03,400
If my mum and my partner didn't get along,
someone would have to go.
396
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,240
They would.
And... and I've run the analytics.
397
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,800
- It would be me. I...
- [audience laughing]
398
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,160
I am the weakest link. Absolutely.
399
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:18,480
But it was a great relief.
400
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,840
'Cause my mum is not famous
for being fond early.
401
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,720
I once introduced her
to a girlfriend, right?
402
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,760
And she said, "I don't like her."
403
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:29,880
[exhales slowly]
404
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,280
"And I don't have to."
405
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,640
I know. It's like,
"Yep. Fair enough, Mum."
406
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,240
"But she's right there."
407
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:38,720
[audience laughing]
408
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,880
"We could've had this conversation later."
She was like...
409
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,320
I'm not alone.
I'm the youngest of five kids.
410
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,320
All of my siblings had to do navigation
to bring a spouse into the fold.
411
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,840
My brother-in-law has a great relationship
with my mum now.
412
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,400
But in the beginning, struggle bus.
413
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:02,040
Because he's an Irishman, as it happens,
and he's very pale of the complexion,
414
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,800
even by my standards,
415
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,640
and I'm an in-flight omelet.
416
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:06,560
But...
417
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:13,320
But he's a translucent potato.
Like, it's... [blows air] ...amazing.
418
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,760
And Mum took to calling him Casper.
419
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,080
[audience laughing]
420
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:21,320
And once she worked out
that he didn't like it, she dug in.
421
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,320
For a good couple of years,
he's like, "I've got a name,"
422
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,840
and she's like,
"I don't know what his problem is."
423
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,440
"Casper is the Friendly Ghost."
424
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,880
Just like a fact and a threat
all wrapped up in one.
425
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:37,400
[puffs air]
426
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,080
But Mum and Jenno,
they hit it off immediately.
427
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:44,160
They met after one of my shows.
428
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,720
Um, because, fun fact,
Jenno is my producer.
429
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,240
She's right there.
430
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,080
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
431
00:21:55,880 --> 00:22:01,440
And just in case you're wondering
where the balance of power is here,
432
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,160
as I'm onstage telling our story,
433
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,920
Jenno has complete control
over the lights and sound.
434
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:09,840
- So...
- [audience laughing]
435
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:11,800
...there it is.
436
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,840
[chuckles] Friendly Ghost.
437
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,400
They met after one of my gigs.
438
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:21,480
The thing about Jenno as a producer,
she's always with backpack.
439
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:26,040
Right? That's her style as a producer.
She's always with backpack.
440
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,440
Uh, it's where the business is, right?
441
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,680
So when Mum met Jenno,
442
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:32,600
she was with backpack.
443
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,760
And Mum took one look at her and said,
444
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,680
"Well, hello, Dora the Explorer."
445
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:39,760
[audience laughing]
446
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,560
And Jenno just said, "Thank you."
447
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:47,800
"She sees me."
448
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:53,840
But Mum and Jenno had a conversation
outside of my earshot that night,
449
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,720
the first time they met.
That's not how I would've played it.
450
00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:00,840
If it was up to me, Mum and Jenno
would never be alone together, ever.
451
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,840
Mum's too much of a loose unit.
I don't trust her.
452
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:06,680
But they, straightaway.
453
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,200
But Jenno gave me a full report
the next day.
454
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,120
And by full report, what I mean is
455
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:15,040
she just kept repeating
what my mum had told her,
456
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,920
like, over and over and over again
457
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,480
in the vain hope
that one day it might make sense.
458
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:22,880
Nah. Nah.
459
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,600
She said, "Hannah, your mum told me--"
460
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:26,920
Now, Jenno is American,
461
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,840
but the way I tell it,
she does sound very Australian.
462
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,600
I think... [laughs]
463
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,920
You have to do the work in your head
because I won't do the accent.
464
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:37,520
I don't have time.
465
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,360
I don't have time for all those Rs
466
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,400
that they insist on enunciating
over there. It's boring.
467
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:47,080
Like, no other English-speaking nation
in the world
468
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,960
uses the word "rural"
in casual conversation.
469
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,840
Like, there are far more efficient ways
of saying "not in the city."
470
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:58,120
Not for them.
471
00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:00,960
They're like... [in American accent]
"I'm from rural America."
472
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,920
[in normal voice] It's like,
"Are you, mate? I live in the bush."
473
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:12,200
Jenno finds an R in my name. "Hanner."
474
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:14,480
It's not even there.
475
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,760
She says, "Hanner..."
See, I won't do the accent.
476
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:24,440
She says, "Hannah, your mum told me
that she takes money out of the bank
477
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,640
to save..."
478
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,160
[audience laughing]
479
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,280
"...for teeth."
480
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,520
"Hannah, Hannah,
she takes money out of the bank
481
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,120
to save for teeth."
482
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:42,560
"Hannah? Hannah?"
483
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,920
"Are you listening? Hannah, your mum
484
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:50,040
takes money out of the bank
to save for teeth."
485
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:53,280
"You know that's three separate ideas?
They don't relate."
486
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,480
"But they do in your mum's head."
487
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,600
"Hannah, Hannah,
she takes money out of the bank
488
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,040
to save for teeth."
489
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,520
"Hannah, that doesn't make any sense."
490
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,680
And I'm like, "I know!"
491
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,680
[audience laughing]
492
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:14,320
I've been hearing about
my mum's dental saving plan for years.
493
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,400
Every pension day,
she takes a cheeky ten or 15 out,
494
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,280
puts it in the special drawer.
495
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,640
She said, "Because if I leave it
in the bank, Hannah,
496
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:27,800
I'll spend it."
497
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,800
[audience laughing]
498
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:37,040
I remember when my mum got
her first-ever pair of false teeth.
499
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:40,320
It was a very unsettling time of my life.
500
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:41,400
I was a teenager,
501
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,240
and when she got them,
502
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,160
they were too big.
503
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,240
Right? And for whatever reason,
504
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:51,600
she just didn't get them tightened up
for a good couple of years.
505
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:53,880
So they just rattled around.
506
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,000
So whenever she became animated,
507
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:02,080
the top rack would drop down
and just completely transform her face.
508
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,280
Like, she would be angry,
509
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,240
and then she'd break out
in a big, beautiful smile.
510
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:12,560
I mean... [laughs]
511
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:15,560
She'd be like,
"Well, you can leave home if you like."
512
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,640
"You're not welcome here."
513
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,360
[audience laughing]
514
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:25,320
It was... Thank you.
515
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:29,280
It was worse when she yawned.
516
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:33,800
Because when she yawned,
the top rack would drop down,
517
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,840
and the bottom rack would pop up,
518
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:38,360
and they'd meet in the middle.
519
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:43,560
Have you ever seen anybody yawn
with their teeth clenched?
520
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,360
It is unsettling on a primal level.
521
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,840
Because their body says, "Relaxed,"
522
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:55,280
but their face says,
"I will hunt you down!"
523
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,960
[audience laughing and applauding]
524
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:03,640
But she likes Jenno.
525
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,640
She said, "I like her.
She's not a dickhead."
526
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,280
Which is the highest of praise.
527
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:13,800
I had to ask my dad what he thought,
528
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,120
because he's not a whistleblower,
not on his own feelings.
529
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,200
So I asked him--
530
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:21,040
- That deserved more, but you do you. Um...
- [audience laughing]
531
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,280
"Whistleblower on your feelings."
I like that.
532
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,880
We'll probably edit it out
'cause it got nothing.
533
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:31,320
And this is about how you feel
about the show. I'm not attached.
534
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:32,960
[audience laughing]
535
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,440
Okay, we got there.
536
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,000
I said, "Dad, what do you reckon
about Jenno?"
537
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,280
And he said, "Oh, yeah. Yeah."
538
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,200
"Yeah, I... anyway."
539
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,840
"Yeah, yeah. Anyway..."
540
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,720
"What's your mother reckon? I probably..."
541
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:50,800
[laughs]
542
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,880
Dad can't tell stories.
543
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,520
That is a thing.
My dad is the worst storyteller.
544
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,240
At the same time, my mum is the best.
545
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,440
And one of my favorite sports
546
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,640
is watching my dad try and tell a story
in front of my mum,
547
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,000
because it drives her spare.
548
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,040
You can just see her vibrating,
549
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:17,120
waiting for the first opportunity
to hijack his story plane.
550
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:21,280
But the thing is
you cannot hijack my dad's story planes,
551
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,760
because they never
get off the fucking ground.
552
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:25,840
[audience laughing]
553
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:28,880
Never.
554
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:34,240
He's like, "I don't know if I told you.
The other day, I went to the shops
555
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:35,880
to get some milk, you see?"
556
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:40,160
"But I'd gotten up
at about quarter to seven."
557
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,560
"Usually, I get up
at around quarter past six,
558
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,360
quarter to six, give or take.
But I slept in."
559
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,040
"A couple nights earlier,
I'd had disrupted sleep,
560
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,200
'cause Margaret rang up,
and I was a bit unsettled."
561
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:53,720
"You never catch up the sleep
the next night."
562
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:55,320
"It's a couple of nights later."
563
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:59,560
"So I slept in to about quarter to seven
thereabouts, and, um..."
564
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:04,200
"Which meant by the time I went
to the shops to get the milk, you see,
565
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,920
the school traffic had hit. My word!"
566
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,480
"Oh, my word! I reckon what they're doing
567
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,760
is they're trying to avoid the backlog
on the main road
568
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:18,080
and coming past our place.
I reckon they're all doing that
569
00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:21,080
and the main road's empty.
There's so many of them."
570
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:24,400
And you just see Mum.
She's just like... [grumbles]
571
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:27,040
"Will you shut up?"
572
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:30,800
And Dad's like... [mumbling]
"I'm trying to tell a story."
573
00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:33,720
She said, "That's not a story, Roger."
574
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,400
"That's just a list of facts
you've remembered
575
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,240
on your way to being a very boring man."
576
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:41,240
- [audience laughing]
- [Hannah puffs air]
577
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:42,160
[chuckles]
578
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:44,200
Brutal!
579
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:51,480
My dad doesn't get too upset. He's like,
"Oh, anyway, how about a cuppa?"
580
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:53,720
"I've got some milk."
581
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,960
He's a very mild-mannered man,
very mild-mannered.
582
00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,920
My parents' parenting style was very much
583
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:04,800
bad cop, asleep cop.
584
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:06,760
That's how they rolled.
585
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:09,120
Dad never raised his voice at us kids.
586
00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:13,480
He's very quietly spoken.
He only ever really raised it once,
587
00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:15,960
and it was so shocking,
I'll never forget it.
588
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:20,160
It's just so in contrast
to who I knew him as.
589
00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:22,240
So what happened was
590
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,080
he dropped a bit of cheese,
591
00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:28,080
and the dog got it.
592
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:29,840
[audience laughing]
593
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:31,360
[Hannah] That's his line.
594
00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:36,200
It wasn't even a fancy bit of cheese,
you know?
595
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,080
It's just some Homebrand cheddar.
596
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,400
But it was his cheese,
597
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:41,880
and he dropped it,
598
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:43,520
and the dog got it.
599
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:46,760
And he's like... [yelling]
"Get out of there, you bloody mongrel!"
600
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:50,640
"Go on with you! Go on! Drop it! Drop it!"
601
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,200
[in normal voice]
And the dog's like... Blech.
602
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:54,400
[audience laughing]
603
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:59,160
And my brother and I were there,
just going, "Who are you?"
604
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,160
Dad's like, "Yeah. Bloody hell. Yeah."
605
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:02,320
[grumbling]
606
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:06,320
[spits]
607
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:10,000
I've gotta spit it out.
We'll probably cut that out. [laughs]
608
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:12,600
Been touring this show for a year.
609
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:15,400
Every night, I commit to that.
610
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,080
Swallow...
611
00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:20,960
the pretend cheese.
612
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:25,520
And my mind's going,
"No. It's been on the floor."
613
00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:29,720
But it hasn't. It's not real.
614
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:32,400
In my mind, I don't think it matters.
615
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:37,360
I can't pretend swallow
the pretend cheese.
616
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,600
That's probably why
I can't sleep with men.
617
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:43,760
Hey!
618
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:44,840
No.
619
00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:46,920
[audience cheering and applauding]
620
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:51,880
Doesn't make any sense.
621
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:54,280
[chuckles]
622
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:59,920
I had a lot of girlfriends
before Jenno. Um...
623
00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:02,200
I'm not bragging, but it was a lot. G'day.
624
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:03,720
Um... [laughs]
625
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:07,080
I didn't set out to be a netballer. I...
626
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:09,160
[audience laughing]
627
00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:12,600
I'm just not very good at relating,
628
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:18,400
and it turns out relating is a good part
of what a relationship is.
629
00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:20,560
It was nothing too dramatic.
630
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:24,920
Most of my relationships ended
with us folding in mutual exhaustion.
631
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:25,840
Um...
632
00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:29,600
I once got dumped
because I got caught out in a lie.
633
00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:32,800
Um, I was really delighted, personally,
634
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,000
because I'm really bad at lying.
635
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:41,160
I can't pretend swallow pretend cheese
and then not tell you about it. Like, I'm...
636
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:43,960
So for me to be able to tell a lie,
637
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:48,280
then hold onto it for long enough
for it to become a betrayal of trust,
638
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:52,440
that felt, to me,
like a sign of maturation, you know?
639
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:55,560
Like, "One day, I'll be a real boy."
You know?
640
00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,360
I'll tell you what happened.
I feel like you've gone cold.
641
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:01,120
[whispering]
"I thought we could trust you."
642
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:04,960
[in normal voice] What happened was
my girlfriend asked
643
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:06,760
if I wanted an ice cream.
644
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,320
I know. High stakes.
645
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:14,280
And I said yes,
'cause I wanted the ice cream.
646
00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:16,720
That wasn't the lie. I'm not a monster.
647
00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:19,760
But this is how I said yes.
648
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:23,480
I said, "Yeah. I scream, you scream,
we all scream for ice cream."
649
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:27,840
And she said,
"Wow! Did you just make that up?"
650
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:31,520
[audience laughing]
651
00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,880
"Yes, yes, I did. Yes." I know.
652
00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:39,040
[audience applauding]
653
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:40,080
Why not?
654
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:45,240
Now, I'm pretty sure
I was about to self-correct.
655
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,440
Right, right? I didn't feel like
I was gonna hold onto that one.
656
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:53,040
But then I got an ice cream,
very distracted, and I forgot.
657
00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,760
Six months later, she found out...
658
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,920
that I wasn't such a gifted poet
after all.
659
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,920
She was very upset.
660
00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:07,400
She said, "You lied to me."
661
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:11,800
"How could I ever trust you again?
You lied to me."
662
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:16,880
And in the end, I said, "Honestly,
I don't think I should be held accountable
663
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:21,320
for all the glaring gaps
in your general knowledge." [chuckles]
664
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:23,160
[audience laughing and applauding]
665
00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:24,240
I know.
666
00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:32,040
I think that falls under the category
of bad at relating.
667
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:37,000
My worst breakup,
uh, I did the breaking up,
668
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:39,720
and it was really bad
because it didn't take.
669
00:34:40,720 --> 00:34:45,360
[chuckles] I broke up with my girlfriend,
and nothing happened.
670
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:49,200
Everything just remained
exactly as it had.
671
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:52,600
It was like reverse ghosting.
It was very intense.
672
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:57,920
I was so shocked, it took another week
to have another crack.
673
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:01,520
I said, "I don't want to be
in this relationship,"
674
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:03,720
and she said, "Yeah, but I do."
675
00:35:03,720 --> 00:35:05,560
[audience laughing]
676
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:08,120
I said, "I don't think
it works like that."
677
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:11,240
"I think we both have to be yeses,
678
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,280
or it's a no."
679
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,080
"Like, it's a consent thing."
680
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:20,200
And she said,
"Yeah, how's that working out for you?"
681
00:35:20,720 --> 00:35:21,920
[mouthing] I know.
682
00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:27,160
Now, honestly, I don't remember
how that relationship really ended.
683
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,200
I mean, I think we've broken up.
684
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:35,680
But I don't have a lot of strong memories
of that time of my life.
685
00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:38,320
It was quite a long time ago,
20-odd years,
686
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:40,720
and it wasn't a great time of my life.
687
00:35:40,720 --> 00:35:43,640
And the thing about shit things,
shit life,
688
00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:45,840
is you're never having a shit life,
689
00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:48,440
and your brain's going,
"Let's remember this."
690
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,880
"Let's hang onto this
for a bit of nostalgia nom nom later."
691
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:54,000
No. It's just memory soup in there.
692
00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:56,920
You just fucking chuck it in the back.
Whatever. Right?
693
00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:58,520
It's memory soup, right?
694
00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:02,080
I only have one really clear memory
of that relationship,
695
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:04,560
and it works like a film trailer.
696
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:08,280
You know when you watch a film trailer,
and it's very busy,
697
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,200
and at the end of it,
you're left with a lot of questions
698
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:15,160
and absolutely no fucking desire
to watch that piece of shit?
699
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:17,440
That's how it works.
700
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:20,160
Now, what happened is
we're driving very late at night.
701
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:22,080
My girlfriend was driving. I wasn't.
702
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,320
That's how it works in cars.
703
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:25,320
And...
704
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:29,600
I don't know where we were coming from
or going to,
705
00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:33,600
but it was a back road, very dark.
Only lights were the headlights.
706
00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:35,640
It was unsealed, so very gravelly.
707
00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:38,840
And she's a bit of a lead foot,
so speeding, right?
708
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:41,680
And then all of a sudden,
she just slams on the brakes.
709
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:45,440
And the truck's just fishtailing
all over the road. It's terrifying.
710
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:50,720
Then it just spun a full 360 around
and then stopped in a cloud of dust.
711
00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:52,160
But she was out the door
712
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,680
before it even registered
that we'd stopped.
713
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,040
And I had no idea what was happening.
714
00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,600
She's run around the front of the truck
and bent down.
715
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:01,560
I couldn't see her.
I'm like, "What's happening?"
716
00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:03,640
"What is happening?"
717
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:05,720
And when she stood up,
718
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:10,280
she was holding a dead rabbit by the ears.
719
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,240
Yeah, all right.
Just listen to yourselves there.
720
00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:17,680
That is the response
of a lesbian-heavy audience.
721
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:19,520
- [audience laughing]
- Isn't it?
722
00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:23,120
A little rabbit gets hurt,
and you're like, "The worst."
723
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,480
And yet you seemed fine
as I walked you step by step
724
00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:29,240
through a borderline abusive relationship.
725
00:37:29,240 --> 00:37:31,080
- [audience laughing]
- There you are.
726
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:38,240
Dead rabbit? [wails]
727
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:44,880
Anyway, she's holding up the dead rabbit,
and she's smiling.
728
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:48,680
And I'm confused. I don't know
what emotions I'm supposed to be having,
729
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:53,160
but I don't think happiness
would be top on the list.
730
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:56,120
Right? And she's like, "It's a clean hit."
731
00:37:57,080 --> 00:38:00,440
I know. I'm like, "Were we playing a game,
and I didn't know?"
732
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:04,120
And she's like,
"I'm gonna take it home for the dogs."
733
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:06,080
I'm like, "Oh, no, fuck. Come on."
734
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:10,200
And then she said the worst thing
I've ever heard.
735
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:11,760
She said,
736
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:14,680
"I think I'm gonna skin it now."
737
00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:15,840
[audience exclaiming]
738
00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:21,080
I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no, no.
Why, why, why, why?"
739
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:22,680
"How?"
740
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:25,400
And then I found out.
741
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:31,920
She bent down again. I couldn't see her.
I'm like, "What the fuck is happening?"
742
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:34,680
And when she stands up,
743
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:39,480
she's got the little bunny's ankle
in her teeth.
744
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,320
- [audience screaming]
- Yeah, fucking shut up.
745
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,840
You didn't have to kiss her later.
746
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:44,840
[mouthing] I know.
747
00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:46,120
[audience exclaiming]
748
00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:48,080
She's like...
749
00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:50,640
[grunting] ...trying to get
a bit of purchase.
750
00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:51,600
[grunts]
751
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:53,880
You see it. You hear... [clicks tongue]
752
00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:58,800
And then she just peels it.
753
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:02,320
Like, it is just one fluid movement.
It's just like...
754
00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:03,560
[squelching sounds]
755
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:08,960
Like, it was the most incredible,
fucked-up thing I've ever seen.
756
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:12,160
It was like the shittest magic trick
you could imagine.
757
00:39:13,240 --> 00:39:15,560
Because there's no sleight of hand.
758
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,000
You see everything,
759
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:20,320
and yet it's still a trick.
760
00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:23,480
'Cause she's like, "I've got one rabbit."
761
00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:27,160
"Now I've got two."
762
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,320
"One of them is red."
763
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,040
[mouthing] I know. [speaking] I know.
764
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,160
You wouldn't watch that film, would you?
765
00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:38,280
That got a bit dark there.
I'll give you that.
766
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:41,400
That bit, that's the darkest
this show will get, right?
767
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:43,400
This is-- That's it. It's all light now.
768
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:49,560
I met Jenno, which is a relief,
'cause otherwise--
769
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:52,760
This is a very elaborate catfishing show,
isn't it? Um...
770
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:55,960
But, no, I met her at a very strange time
of my life.
771
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:57,800
She was the on-the-ground producer
772
00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:01,480
of my off-Broadway run of Nanette
back in the day.
773
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:05,320
And, um, she was
the first American I met off the plane,
774
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,840
and apparently, I've just gone,
"Yep, come on. You'll do."
775
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:09,120
[audience laughing]
776
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:10,880
No, no. I did flirt. I did flirt.
777
00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:12,400
I did this, "Hello, madam."
778
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:15,080
It's very... [laughs] ...very effective.
779
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:18,400
And... but it was about six months.
We met about six months
780
00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:22,040
before the Netflix of it all
completely turned my life upside down.
781
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:24,800
And I realize in hindsight
that I didn't use those...
782
00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:26,920
those six months wisely, you know?
783
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:29,080
I mostly napped, you know?
784
00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:31,760
I'm... I'm a slumberjack. What can I say?
785
00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:35,840
And I realize what I should have
been doing in those six months is
786
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:38,960
I should have been preparing for fame.
787
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:42,920
Um, you can't land cold on that shit
like I did,
788
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:45,640
'cause it fucks you up,
and you fuck it up, right?
789
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,200
Honestly, you must prepare for fame.
790
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:51,120
If you take anything away from this show,
take that.
791
00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:53,320
Prepare for fame.
Make sure you're prepared.
792
00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:55,080
Be prepared for fame.
793
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:57,360
Don't worry about natural disasters.
794
00:40:57,360 --> 00:40:59,120
Don't. Just prepare for fame.
795
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,640
Don't expect it. That's gross. But just...
796
00:41:01,640 --> 00:41:03,120
[audience laughing]
797
00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:05,720
On the off chance
you find yourself famous,
798
00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:07,280
you'd better be prepared,
799
00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:11,320
because I wasn't, and I made
a dog's breakfast of it. Absolutely.
800
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:15,000
If I'd have been prepared for fame,
when I met Ruby Rose,
801
00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:19,080
and she told me
how amazing she thought I was,
802
00:41:19,080 --> 00:41:20,440
if I'd had been prepared,
803
00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,200
I definitely wouldn't have laughed
in her face.
804
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,200
I don't know what I meant by it.
It was not malicious.
805
00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:30,800
I just think I forgot
she wasn't a picture. Do you know?
806
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:35,320
[blows raspberries]
"Why are you talking to me? Witchcraft!"
807
00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:39,080
If I'd have been prepared for fame,
808
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,480
when my path crossed with Jodie Foster...
809
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:43,280
Yeah.
810
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:48,440
No good. It's actually the second time
my path crossed with Jodie Foster.
811
00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:52,120
And what happened was
it just so happened to be my birthday.
812
00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:53,600
Now, I knew that.
813
00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:56,040
That's to be expected, no?
814
00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:58,000
What wasn't expected
815
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,920
is that Jodie Foster
also knew that it was my birthday.
816
00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:04,560
Right? Which is kind of cool
until you zoom out, and it's a bit creepy.
817
00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:06,600
[audience laughing]
818
00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:08,960
But she arrived with a present for me.
819
00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:11,640
I know.
820
00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:17,000
I got a birthday present
from Jodie fucking Foster.
821
00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:19,520
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- I know!
822
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:23,160
I know!
823
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,440
Context clues.
824
00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:28,320
Not a good thing.
825
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:32,120
I fucked it up, remember? [laughs]
826
00:42:32,120 --> 00:42:34,840
I got a birthday present,
and it was a great one too.
827
00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:36,920
It was BANANAGRAMS. I fucking...
828
00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:38,520
That's a great present.
829
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:40,840
Like, I love games. I love words.
830
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:42,800
I love handy travel pouches.
831
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,120
I love my potassium metaphorical.
832
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:47,320
It's a gift that keeps on giving.
833
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:51,240
And if I'd been prepared for fame,
I would've received the gift
834
00:42:51,240 --> 00:42:54,760
and gone, "Why, thank you.
That is very kind. You're most generous."
835
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,760
"Are you next in line for queen?"
836
00:42:57,480 --> 00:42:58,440
Or something.
837
00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:01,480
But I wasn't prepared.
838
00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:02,880
Do you know what I said?
839
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,240
"I've already got BANANAGRAMS."
840
00:43:05,240 --> 00:43:06,760
[audience laughing]
841
00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:10,200
I know.
842
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:11,880
I know.
843
00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:18,200
It's like, "You're too late.
Better luck next time."
844
00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:21,040
Would be the subtext.
845
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:27,080
If I'd been prepared for fame,
when I met Richard Curtis,
846
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,320
I would've known who the fuck he was.
847
00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:31,400
[audience laughing]
848
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:34,000
I would've known
that he's the man responsible
849
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:37,760
for romantic classics
like Notting Hill and Love Actually.
850
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,640
And so if I'd been prepared,
851
00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:44,000
when he asked me
what my favorite romantic comedy was,
852
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:47,600
I might have had a diplomatic answer.
853
00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:49,720
Maybe one of his films.
854
00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:52,080
But I wasn't prepared.
Do you know what I said?
855
00:43:52,600 --> 00:43:54,760
"I don't like romantic comedies."
856
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:57,400
[audience laughing]
857
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:00,080
I know.
858
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:04,680
Richard is very practiced at being famous.
He was very gracious in that moment.
859
00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:08,440
He turned that conversation right around.
Without batting an eyelid,
860
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:12,400
he showed a clear pathway
out of the awkwardness I had just created.
861
00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:15,840
A very clear pathway I did not take.
862
00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:18,000
[audience laughing]
863
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:22,040
He said, "That's fine.
Not everyone's cup of tea."
864
00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:26,040
"But what is it about romantic comedies
that you don't like so much?"
865
00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:27,600
And I said,
866
00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:30,880
"I don't like the way the kissing sounds."
867
00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:32,360
[audience laughing]
868
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,400
I-- I don't know why.
869
00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:38,800
Honestly, I-I don't--
870
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,000
Hindsight is not always 20/20.
871
00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:46,920
I look back at that,
and I still don't know why I said that.
872
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:55,760
The other complicating factor of my life
when I first met Jenno
873
00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:59,720
is that I'd only just very recently
been diagnosed autistic, right?
874
00:44:59,720 --> 00:45:02,680
And I was still very much working out
what that meant for me.
875
00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:05,400
And to be clear,
a lot of what that meant for me is
876
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:08,040
I don't like the way the kissing sounds.
877
00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:12,120
But when Jenno and I met,
878
00:45:12,120 --> 00:45:15,480
I was on a very steep learning curve
about where I was on the spectrum,
879
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:17,200
and what ended up happening is
880
00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:19,520
as we worked together,
we learned together,
881
00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:22,600
and that turned out
to be quite the blessing for me.
882
00:45:23,120 --> 00:45:28,560
Because I need an outside eye,
it turns out,
883
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,920
because I don't know
what the fuck I'm doing
884
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:33,800
three-quarters of the time.
885
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:39,160
Jenno and I will experience
the same occasion,
886
00:45:39,680 --> 00:45:42,400
and then later on,
we'll go home, and we'll debrief.
887
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:45,400
And I will say, "This is what happened,"
888
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:49,160
and Jenno will say,
"Where the fuck were you?"
889
00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:50,560
[audience laughing]
890
00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:54,280
[Hannah] I know.
891
00:45:55,160 --> 00:46:01,040
I'll give you a very good example.
My senses are wired a little differently,
892
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:04,600
and one of my quirks
is I have incredibly sensitive palms.
893
00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:06,240
Uh, it's a bit of a nuisance.
894
00:46:06,240 --> 00:46:07,560
And what happens is
895
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:10,840
when I'm holding something
small and irregular-shaped,
896
00:46:10,840 --> 00:46:14,720
I can become very irritated
and almost angry.
897
00:46:14,720 --> 00:46:17,440
That's why
I can't sleep with men, actually.
898
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:18,760
- No!
- [audience laughing]
899
00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:20,320
No, no, no, no.
900
00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:25,760
It doesn't make any sense,
but you went with it.
901
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:28,720
I do like saying
"small and irregular-shaped," though.
902
00:46:28,720 --> 00:46:30,520
That's fun. That's fun.
903
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:33,280
Anyway, so I could be holding
something small and irregular-shaped,
904
00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:36,320
and I get angry,
and I have to not hold it very quickly.
905
00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:38,040
Right? I was like... and I'm like... Argh!
906
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:39,040
[item clatters]
907
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:44,560
And I say to Jenno,
"I drop things a lot. I'm very clumsy."
908
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:48,280
And she said, "Nah. You didn't drop that."
909
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:51,760
"Look how far away it is."
910
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:55,280
That really came to bear
911
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:58,520
the first time
my path crossed with Jodie Foster.
912
00:47:00,840 --> 00:47:04,560
What happened was, she came to see a show,
and she came backstage for a chat later.
913
00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:05,680
What an honor.
914
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:08,880
Right? And it was very good.
We were having a chat, chat, chat.
915
00:47:08,880 --> 00:47:10,560
And during the course of the chat,
916
00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:15,120
she wrote her phone number
on a scrap bit of cardboard for me. Right?
917
00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:16,320
And I took that, and--
918
00:47:16,320 --> 00:47:19,640
Not like that, of course.
It was professional. This is business.
919
00:47:20,160 --> 00:47:23,480
It's not... She wasn't...
She's married. It's fine.
920
00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:26,600
Although, now I say that out loud,
I can't be sure.
921
00:47:26,600 --> 00:47:28,680
- [audience laughing]
- [Hannah chuckles]
922
00:47:30,080 --> 00:47:32,640
It's too late now anyway,
isn't it? [chuckles]
923
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,400
No, strictly professional.
Wrote her number down.
924
00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:38,320
I think.
925
00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:40,320
And I took it, and we chat-chat-chat,
926
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:42,440
and then I started screwing it up.
927
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:45,320
Right? In front of her fucking face.
928
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:47,720
Like, "Thanks for your number.
That's what I think."
929
00:47:47,720 --> 00:47:49,320
I didn't know I was doing that.
930
00:47:49,320 --> 00:47:52,280
This came from Jenno's witness report
from later.
931
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:54,920
I was just in the zone.
932
00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:59,760
Right? And then I was screwing it up
in front of her fucking face,
933
00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:02,520
and then I went to throw it away.
934
00:48:04,040 --> 00:48:06,480
In front of her fucking face.
935
00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:12,520
And then I felt my hand pull backwards,
and I turn around.
936
00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:15,920
Jenno's there and said, "I'll take that,
I'll file it in the backpack."
937
00:48:15,920 --> 00:48:17,600
- The...
- [audience laughing]
938
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:18,960
I know!
939
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:21,640
[audience cheering and applauding]
940
00:48:21,640 --> 00:48:23,240
[Hannah] What a little ripper!
941
00:48:24,720 --> 00:48:27,120
Absolute champion.
942
00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:30,320
And that's pretty much
how our relationship works.
943
00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:32,560
It's like curling.
944
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:36,040
Yep, the adorable winter sport.
945
00:48:36,680 --> 00:48:38,160
I'm the giant puck.
946
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:42,080
And every morning,
we have a team meeting and go,
947
00:48:42,080 --> 00:48:44,480
"This is where you need to go today."
948
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:47,840
"This is how fast you'll go.
This is the line you'll take."
949
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:50,400
"These are the things
you might bump into on the way."
950
00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:52,040
And then we send me out,
951
00:48:52,040 --> 00:48:54,680
and there's not a fucking thing
I can do about it.
952
00:48:55,520 --> 00:48:58,320
[audience laughing]
953
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:01,960
And Jenno's out front just going...
954
00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:07,840
She works very hard.
955
00:49:09,040 --> 00:49:10,920
She works very hard.
956
00:49:10,920 --> 00:49:12,680
I worry a lot
957
00:49:12,680 --> 00:49:18,200
that the sweep-to-puck ratio
is too one-sided in our relationship.
958
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:20,120
I want to help Jenno.
959
00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:22,680
I wanna look after her
like she looks after me.
960
00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:26,640
But the thing about Jenno
is she's incredibly competent.
961
00:49:26,640 --> 00:49:28,440
At everything!
962
00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:30,720
And I'm not.
963
00:49:31,240 --> 00:49:32,800
Like, I'm good at this.
964
00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:34,640
I'm shit-hot at this.
965
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:36,880
But the thing about this is
966
00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:39,600
this doesn't occur in the wild.
967
00:49:41,120 --> 00:49:43,400
This doesn't happen anywhere else.
968
00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:47,800
This only happens
because Jenno produces it.
969
00:49:49,160 --> 00:49:50,880
[audience cheering and applauding]
970
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:52,280
[Hannah] I think that's for you.
971
00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:57,800
Sometimes I try.
972
00:49:58,320 --> 00:50:02,240
Sometimes I try to sweep for Jenno.
Right? I try to be the hero,
973
00:50:02,240 --> 00:50:05,240
and without fail,
974
00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:06,400
I fuck it up.
975
00:50:07,400 --> 00:50:11,120
But one time,
the one time I tried to be the hero,
976
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:12,800
and I still fucked it up,
977
00:50:13,320 --> 00:50:18,120
but I failed so spectacularly,
like, so thoroughly,
978
00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:21,840
that I went full circle
and gave success a nudge from behind.
979
00:50:22,560 --> 00:50:24,640
I did. It was incredible.
980
00:50:24,640 --> 00:50:28,120
It happened when we were out
taking the dogs for a walk. Right?
981
00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:30,480
I've got a couple dogs.
Taking them for a walk.
982
00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:34,080
And Jenno's right up in front.
She's way ahead of me, right?
983
00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:37,000
And I... I'm a slow walker. Right?
984
00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:39,440
When we first started
walking the dogs together,
985
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:41,240
she would never leave my side
986
00:50:41,240 --> 00:50:44,360
because she was scared
my dogs were gonna catch a rabbit.
987
00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:47,120
Um, and I had to go, "Look at my dogs."
988
00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:48,600
Like, they're--
989
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:51,960
It looks like
the Swedish Chef fucked a sheep.
990
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:54,120
Like, they go... [warbling]
991
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:57,640
Like, my dogs are not catching a rabbit.
992
00:50:57,640 --> 00:50:59,840
I once saw my dogs chase a rabbit,
993
00:50:59,840 --> 00:51:02,400
and the rabbit got bored.
994
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,520
Right? So eventually,
like, she calmed down.
995
00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:09,040
She realized that
my dogs are not catching a rabbit,
996
00:51:09,040 --> 00:51:12,320
and so she just started
to go her own pace.
997
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:15,920
And I-- I was way behind, right?
998
00:51:16,720 --> 00:51:20,200
Because I walk slow,
but also because I had a problem to solve,
999
00:51:20,200 --> 00:51:23,200
and I can't walk and think
at the same time.
1000
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:25,880
It's part
of the problematic gait situation.
1001
00:51:26,720 --> 00:51:27,760
We're on this walk.
1002
00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:30,520
I should give you a bit more context
before I go on.
1003
00:51:30,520 --> 00:51:32,920
Jenno and I did a world tour together,
1004
00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:36,960
and then we came back to Australia for
a bit of... [exaggerated enunciating] ...R&R.
1005
00:51:36,960 --> 00:51:39,120
- [audience laughing]
- [in normal voice] I'm trying.
1006
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:42,680
Um, Jenno was just gonna come
for a couple of weeks, you know?
1007
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:44,720
But that was March 2020.
1008
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:48,000
Right? So what began for Jenno
1009
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:51,960
as a fun little holiday
in a strange new land with a new partner
1010
00:51:52,880 --> 00:51:56,680
very quickly turned into
a hostage situation in the bush.
1011
00:51:57,600 --> 00:51:58,760
Right?
1012
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:03,160
Now, by and large,
we were fine during the pandemic.
1013
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:06,680
You know, ups and downs,
netball is for sluts, and all that. But...
1014
00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:11,400
But we just played a lot of games.
Right? We both love playing games.
1015
00:52:11,400 --> 00:52:14,360
Not mind games, but just games.
1016
00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:17,440
I played my first-ever game of Guess Who?
with Jenno.
1017
00:52:17,440 --> 00:52:20,840
That was a revelation.
We didn't have Guess Who? growing up.
1018
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:23,920
Too fancy. Too many moving parts.
You know what I'm saying?
1019
00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:27,360
We were a backgammon family.
Right? I fucking love backgammon.
1020
00:52:27,360 --> 00:52:28,960
That backgammon briefcase
1021
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:31,840
is the fanciest piece of furniture
in our house.
1022
00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:36,160
That two-toned brown pleather. Mm, yummy!
1023
00:52:36,160 --> 00:52:39,360
I love that backgammon briefcase.
If no one was playing backgammon,
1024
00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:42,960
I'd be walking around the house with it,
going, "I'm on business."
1025
00:52:42,960 --> 00:52:44,600
[audience laughing]
1026
00:52:44,600 --> 00:52:47,200
For one brief period of time,
1027
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:49,600
I used it as my school bag.
1028
00:52:51,840 --> 00:52:54,800
"I'm not going to school.
I'm on business."
1029
00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:57,640
Bullied? Absolutely.
1030
00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:00,720
But the beauty of me is I had no idea.
1031
00:53:01,640 --> 00:53:03,920
They were like, "Nice bag, fuckwit."
1032
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:05,880
I'm like, "Thank you."
1033
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:07,960
[audience laughing and applauding]
1034
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:10,800
It got to the stage
my brother had to pull me aside. He said,
1035
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:14,200
"You can't take that to school anymore.
I'm being bullied by proxy."
1036
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,760
I said, "But I'm on business." "At home."
1037
00:53:20,880 --> 00:53:22,720
I'd never played Guess Who? before,
1038
00:53:22,720 --> 00:53:26,080
and Jenno very kindly offered to teach me,
to tell me the rules,
1039
00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:28,400
and I very arrogantly said, "No need."
1040
00:53:29,200 --> 00:53:32,120
"I've seen the adverts.
It's child's play."
1041
00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:35,960
This is my first question ever,
1042
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:39,160
playing Guess Who? at age 42.
1043
00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:43,840
I said, "Okay, it's your first day
at a new job."
1044
00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:48,760
I know, I know, I know.
1045
00:53:49,840 --> 00:53:50,760
Gets worse.
1046
00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:54,280
I said, "It's your first day
at a new job,
1047
00:53:54,280 --> 00:53:56,360
and you're very overwhelmed.
There's a lot to learn."
1048
00:53:56,360 --> 00:53:58,640
"You keep making mistakes.
Everyone's being kind,
1049
00:53:58,640 --> 00:54:02,520
but you're not sure how long their
generosity of spirit is going to last,
1050
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:05,400
particularly because
you keep getting their names wrong."
1051
00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:07,920
"It's morning tea time.
You go to the break room,
1052
00:54:07,920 --> 00:54:11,400
you make yourself a cup of tea
to gather your wits and calm down."
1053
00:54:11,400 --> 00:54:13,840
"Then your person walks in
with that face."
1054
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:15,520
"Do you want to slap them?"
1055
00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:16,960
[audience laughing]
1056
00:54:19,040 --> 00:54:19,920
I know.
1057
00:54:23,200 --> 00:54:24,400
To which Jenno said,
1058
00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:25,640
"No."
1059
00:54:26,560 --> 00:54:28,560
And, "Wow."
1060
00:54:29,720 --> 00:54:33,600
Then she said, "Look, Hannah,
I don't think we read faces the same way."
1061
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:38,520
"What is it about this face
that you find so slappable?"
1062
00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:41,960
I said, "That's a great question.
Thank you for asking."
1063
00:54:41,960 --> 00:54:43,800
And I looked again, and I'm like,
1064
00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:46,000
"Oh, yeah, actually quite a few have it."
1065
00:54:47,520 --> 00:54:48,440
"I've got it."
1066
00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:51,040
"Can you see their teeth?"
1067
00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:55,920
To which Jenno said, "Do you mean
1068
00:54:56,640 --> 00:54:58,200
are they smiling?"
1069
00:54:58,720 --> 00:55:00,720
[audience laughing]
1070
00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:05,720
I know.
1071
00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:10,360
It turns out
I find friendliness threatening.
1072
00:55:11,880 --> 00:55:15,600
Now, that might have something to do
with my autism.
1073
00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:17,880
But it might also have something to do
1074
00:55:17,880 --> 00:55:20,560
with those couple of years
Mum had too big false teeth.
1075
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:23,240
No? Nature-nurture.
1076
00:55:24,360 --> 00:55:25,600
We'll never unravel.
1077
00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:27,160
[chuckles]
1078
00:55:29,480 --> 00:55:33,280
So, I was fine during the pandemic.
Thank you for asking. I...
1079
00:55:33,280 --> 00:55:35,160
'Cause I don't need
a lot of human interaction
1080
00:55:35,160 --> 00:55:37,640
to keep my soul afloat. Right?
1081
00:55:37,640 --> 00:55:42,920
Um, but I am embarrassed to admit
that it didn't occur to me
1082
00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:48,320
to consider that Jenno
might be having a different experience
1083
00:55:48,840 --> 00:55:55,280
as an American in a foreign country,
trapped during a global pandemic
1084
00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:59,280
in the bush, as I insisted on calling it.
1085
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:02,560
Right? It just... it didn't occur to me
1086
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:07,880
until one day I overheard her
having a conversation with one of my dogs,
1087
00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:10,840
which should have been the red flag.
1088
00:56:12,200 --> 00:56:13,400
Somehow, it wasn't.
1089
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:16,120
Right? She said, "Douglas,
1090
00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:19,480
I didn't have time for dogs
before the pandemic."
1091
00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:21,160
"You are a lot of work."
1092
00:56:22,520 --> 00:56:24,720
"But now, you're my best friend."
1093
00:56:25,600 --> 00:56:26,600
I know.
1094
00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:28,480
Jasper was right there.
1095
00:56:29,440 --> 00:56:30,640
I know.
1096
00:56:32,880 --> 00:56:35,760
No. It's okay.
He's a rescue. He knows his place.
1097
00:56:36,320 --> 00:56:38,320
- Oh, oh!
- [audience laughing]
1098
00:56:38,320 --> 00:56:39,320
Oh-ho!
1099
00:56:39,320 --> 00:56:42,680
That's the edgiest joke you can do
in front of a lesbian-heavy audience,
1100
00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:43,600
isn't it?
1101
00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:45,960
It's like punch down on a rescue animal.
1102
00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:47,040
Edgelord!
1103
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:51,520
It's just jokes. I love him.
He's my little rescue prince. Don't worry.
1104
00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:52,440
Anyway...
1105
00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:57,440
I heard that, though, and I... [chuckles]
1106
00:56:57,440 --> 00:57:00,920
I was a little, like, taken aback.
1107
00:57:00,920 --> 00:57:04,800
Right? I didn't like hearing that,
because I'm Jenno's partner.
1108
00:57:06,760 --> 00:57:08,200
I'm her employer.
1109
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:10,520
[audience laughing]
1110
00:57:11,280 --> 00:57:13,720
Then I find out
during the course of that conversation
1111
00:57:13,720 --> 00:57:16,160
that I also own her best friend.
1112
00:57:17,080 --> 00:57:23,080
And I'm like, "Aw, that's not great.
I don't like this balance of power."
1113
00:57:23,080 --> 00:57:25,600
So I... I decided right there and then,
1114
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:30,960
I said, "It is my job
to help Jenno connect to the community."
1115
00:57:30,960 --> 00:57:35,640
Right? And so later that afternoon,
we're out walking the dogs,
1116
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:40,120
and Jenno's way up ahead
with her best friend Douglas. Right?
1117
00:57:40,640 --> 00:57:42,680
And I'm-- I'm way back here,
1118
00:57:42,680 --> 00:57:47,200
almost at a standstill,
'cause it's a hard problem. Right?
1119
00:57:47,200 --> 00:57:49,880
The idea that
I could help anybody socially
1120
00:57:49,880 --> 00:57:51,360
is a fucking joke.
1121
00:57:53,040 --> 00:57:56,680
I didn't solve it this day. I don't want
you to think that's where we're heading.
1122
00:57:56,680 --> 00:57:58,160
I did not solve this issue.
1123
00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:02,000
I solved it six months later.
I did. Quite by accident.
1124
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:05,480
It was during that time, you know,
when in between variants.
1125
00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:09,560
You know, that little perineum of time,
you know, when we... [chuckles]
1126
00:58:10,200 --> 00:58:11,720
...when we thought it was over?
1127
00:58:11,720 --> 00:58:14,000
And then it's like, "Omicron." You know?
1128
00:58:14,000 --> 00:58:16,080
And I was at the supermarket,
1129
00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:18,560
and I saw a poster
for the local football team,
1130
00:58:18,560 --> 00:58:20,240
and I thought, "That's it."
1131
00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:24,520
"What a great way for an American
to connect to small-town Australia
1132
00:58:25,040 --> 00:58:27,560
than play a sport she's never even seen?"
1133
00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:30,880
I took the poster home and said,
1134
00:58:30,880 --> 00:58:33,200
"You should join
the local women's football team."
1135
00:58:33,200 --> 00:58:35,400
And she said, "You took the poster."
1136
00:58:38,680 --> 00:58:41,960
And I said,
"Yep, yep. Facts, information."
1137
00:58:42,480 --> 00:58:45,640
And she said, "Do you reckon
anyone else might want that information?"
1138
00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:49,520
And I'm like, "I don't know.
I don't know how teams work."
1139
00:58:50,880 --> 00:58:53,600
But she did join the team, the Tigers.
1140
00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,560
You know what their club motto is?
1141
00:58:55,560 --> 00:58:57,640
"How dare we fail?"
1142
00:58:59,000 --> 00:59:01,400
We don't even know what tense that's in.
1143
00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:02,800
[audience laughing]
1144
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:06,080
Do you say it before a game,
or do you say it after the game?
1145
00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:11,760
Is that motivational, or is it shaming,
or is it a genius mix of the two?
1146
00:59:11,760 --> 00:59:13,040
I don't know.
1147
00:59:14,520 --> 00:59:15,600
It's brilliant.
1148
00:59:15,600 --> 00:59:17,640
[audience applauding]
1149
00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:24,200
She came home from her first
training session full of stories.
1150
00:59:24,720 --> 00:59:25,560
Full of stories.
1151
00:59:25,560 --> 00:59:27,640
I said, "How'd you go?" And she said,
1152
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:30,080
"They don't call it football."
1153
00:59:30,080 --> 00:59:31,400
"They call it footy."
1154
00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:34,760
"And you're not allowed
to throw the footyball."
1155
00:59:35,320 --> 00:59:37,480
"But you're allowed
to slap it to a friend."
1156
00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:40,760
Then she said,
"I like tackling, I love tackling,
1157
00:59:40,760 --> 00:59:43,720
but you gotta let go... as soon as
you hear the whistle, you gotta let go."
1158
00:59:43,720 --> 00:59:45,880
"Otherwise, you give away
a 50-meter penalty."
1159
00:59:45,880 --> 00:59:48,840
"I don't know how far 50 meters is,
so that's irrelevant to me."
1160
00:59:49,760 --> 00:59:53,600
"I counted seven redheads on that team.
That seems like a lot."
1161
00:59:53,600 --> 00:59:56,160
"Although three of them insisted
they were strawberry blonde,
1162
00:59:56,160 --> 00:59:57,800
but I don't believe that."
1163
00:59:59,400 --> 01:00:00,360
"This is anecdotal,
1164
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:03,040
but only 40% of the team
seemed to know who you are."
1165
01:00:03,040 --> 01:00:06,080
"The other 60%
would rather talk about potatoes."
1166
01:00:06,920 --> 01:00:09,160
As I sat there listening to Jenno's story,
1167
01:00:09,160 --> 01:00:12,600
I realized what it is
about Jenno's stories
1168
01:00:13,440 --> 01:00:14,880
that I love so much.
1169
01:00:14,880 --> 01:00:18,640
Because what you have there
is not a story.
1170
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:21,600
What that is
1171
01:00:21,600 --> 01:00:23,760
is a list of facts.
1172
01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:27,240
Because I've married my fucking father.
1173
01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:30,160
[audience laughing]
1174
01:00:30,160 --> 01:00:31,320
Absolutely.
1175
01:00:35,160 --> 01:00:37,800
And unlike my mum, I'm there for it.
1176
01:00:37,800 --> 01:00:41,760
I fucking love it.
Like, I am there for it. I love--
1177
01:00:41,760 --> 01:00:45,520
She collects such great facts. Right?
1178
01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:48,120
Most of them are relevant.
Some are a bit left-field.
1179
01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:52,040
Others are totally obscure
but then become relevant later.
1180
01:00:52,040 --> 01:00:55,120
She's excellent.
But it's not just the facts she collects.
1181
01:00:55,120 --> 01:00:57,200
It's how she stacks the facts.
1182
01:00:57,720 --> 01:00:59,480
She's like a fact Brâncuşi.
1183
01:00:59,480 --> 01:01:02,120
Because you think you're going somewhere,
1184
01:01:02,120 --> 01:01:04,800
and then she gets to the end of it,
and you're like, "Nah."
1185
01:01:04,800 --> 01:01:06,840
[audience laughing]
1186
01:01:07,440 --> 01:01:09,280
It's just a list of facts.
1187
01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:13,360
I love it, because I don't get
to collect facts like that
1188
01:01:13,360 --> 01:01:14,600
in new situations.
1189
01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:17,520
If I go into a new environment,
I'm not collecting facts.
1190
01:01:18,280 --> 01:01:21,960
I'm absorbing everything,
like, absorbing it all,
1191
01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:25,000
and I'm not filing it away.
I just get soggy.
1192
01:01:25,000 --> 01:01:28,240
Right? I get soggy and overwhelmed,
and then I have to go home,
1193
01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:32,160
and I squeeze myself out and just go,
"What the fuck just happened?"
1194
01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:34,360
"And why are there so many teeth?"
1195
01:01:34,360 --> 01:01:36,440
[audience laughing]
1196
01:01:36,440 --> 01:01:38,800
But since being with Jenno,
I'm getting more confident,
1197
01:01:38,800 --> 01:01:41,200
because I know
if we're together in a new situation,
1198
01:01:41,200 --> 01:01:44,320
she's collecting the facts,
and I can make sense later.
1199
01:01:44,320 --> 01:01:45,280
It's really great.
1200
01:01:45,280 --> 01:01:48,720
So I really wanted her to go back
and get more facts.
1201
01:01:49,560 --> 01:01:52,960
I said, "You gotta go back to training."
She said, "I sprained my finger."
1202
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,360
And I said, "How dare we fail?"
1203
01:01:55,360 --> 01:01:57,800
[audience laughing]
1204
01:02:01,480 --> 01:02:05,280
So she came back, and she said,
"It is a dangerous sport, Hannah."
1205
01:02:05,280 --> 01:02:07,320
"The captain was out last year
with a knee injury."
1206
01:02:07,320 --> 01:02:08,760
"She was injured during a game."
1207
01:02:08,760 --> 01:02:12,080
"Caz was also out with a knee injury,
but she wasn't injured during a game."
1208
01:02:12,080 --> 01:02:13,960
"She was run over by a cow."
1209
01:02:13,960 --> 01:02:15,400
[audience laughing]
1210
01:02:15,400 --> 01:02:18,400
"Which was not,
as I first thought, a euphemism."
1211
01:02:19,440 --> 01:02:22,400
"Then there's Shaz, right?
She can't train at the moment,
1212
01:02:22,400 --> 01:02:26,480
'cause she's gotta wait for the stutter
to sort itself out after the concussion."
1213
01:02:26,480 --> 01:02:28,120
"But she came to--" I know.
1214
01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:30,960
"She came to training anyway
and stood on the boundary line."
1215
01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:33,280
"I think she's
what you would call a tradie
1216
01:02:33,280 --> 01:02:36,360
because she was wearing a lot
of what you would call high vis,
1217
01:02:36,360 --> 01:02:38,400
and she had a hat with a tractor on it."
1218
01:02:38,400 --> 01:02:40,720
"And she was smoking a durry,
which is not drugs."
1219
01:02:40,720 --> 01:02:42,520
"It's a ciggy, which is a cigarette."
1220
01:02:42,520 --> 01:02:45,600
"And she was drinking beer out of a tin,
which is called a tinny."
1221
01:02:47,040 --> 01:02:49,800
"Now, her name's Shannon,
but they call her Shaz."
1222
01:02:50,800 --> 01:02:53,200
"They call Laura 'Lauz.'
They call Terry 'Tez.'"
1223
01:02:53,200 --> 01:02:55,760
"And when they say 'sorry,'
they say 'soz.'"
1224
01:02:56,960 --> 01:03:01,360
"And when I heard Kaz say
they called the ambo for Shaz,
1225
01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:06,440
I'm like, 'I've got it. I've got it.
I know what you do with words.'"
1226
01:03:07,760 --> 01:03:10,120
"I know what you people do with words."
1227
01:03:10,120 --> 01:03:14,800
"You take a perfectly good noun.
You chop it off at the nearest consonant."
1228
01:03:14,800 --> 01:03:17,440
"You get rid of the rest.
You tack on a Zed or an O."
1229
01:03:17,440 --> 01:03:19,000
"That is what you do."
1230
01:03:20,160 --> 01:03:21,040
I know.
1231
01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:22,840
[audience cheering and applauding]
1232
01:03:22,840 --> 01:03:24,920
And I said, "Yeah,
1233
01:03:26,080 --> 01:03:27,520
Jenno."
1234
01:03:27,520 --> 01:03:29,160
[audience laughing]
1235
01:03:29,160 --> 01:03:30,720
And she said...
1236
01:03:32,240 --> 01:03:33,240
"Oh."
1237
01:03:33,240 --> 01:03:35,160
[audience laughing]
1238
01:03:36,320 --> 01:03:38,600
"Oh, I thought that was special to me."
1239
01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:43,400
And I said, "No."
1240
01:03:43,400 --> 01:03:45,400
[audience laughing]
1241
01:03:45,400 --> 01:03:48,080
"My brother calls his wife Jenno."
1242
01:03:49,200 --> 01:03:50,720
"It's Beno and Jenno."
1243
01:03:50,720 --> 01:03:53,040
"I've already got BANANAGRAMS."
1244
01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:55,240
I just...
1245
01:03:56,240 --> 01:03:58,640
I do learn lessons.
1246
01:03:58,640 --> 01:04:02,080
I do, but they're very specific.
1247
01:04:02,960 --> 01:04:07,920
You know, if Jodie Foster were to give me
BANANAGRAMS for my birthday again,
1248
01:04:07,920 --> 01:04:09,760
I will know what to do.
1249
01:04:11,400 --> 01:04:14,280
But if Tom Cruise gave me Guess Who?
for Christmas,
1250
01:04:14,280 --> 01:04:16,840
I'd probably slap that toothy menace.
1251
01:04:17,960 --> 01:04:19,960
[audience laughing and applauding]
1252
01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:21,840
[Hannah giggles]
1253
01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:25,480
Anyway, that was six months later.
1254
01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:29,920
Six months earlier, I'm still--
I'm trying to solve that problem.
1255
01:04:29,920 --> 01:04:32,160
Jenno is way ahead
with her best friend Douglas.
1256
01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:35,440
I'm dawdling. Jasper is in the bushes
rabble-rousing, right?
1257
01:04:35,440 --> 01:04:38,000
And he ends up
flushing out a little rabbit,
1258
01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:40,560
and it hops on the path in front of me.
1259
01:04:41,080 --> 01:04:44,480
And it stops, looks up at me,
and I look down at it.
1260
01:04:45,000 --> 01:04:47,840
It's just a magical little moment.
1261
01:04:47,840 --> 01:04:50,000
It felt like just the two of us.
1262
01:04:50,520 --> 01:04:53,840
I'm like, "Oh, my God. I'm Snow White."
1263
01:04:57,720 --> 01:04:59,400
And then I clock it.
1264
01:04:59,400 --> 01:05:01,280
I'm like, "Oh, no."
1265
01:05:01,280 --> 01:05:04,000
"You don't have the fear, mate, do you?"
1266
01:05:04,000 --> 01:05:05,640
He's like, "I sure don't."
1267
01:05:06,480 --> 01:05:08,560
"I'm diseased." [laughs]
1268
01:05:08,560 --> 01:05:10,120
I know. Rotting eyeballs.
1269
01:05:10,120 --> 01:05:13,640
And I'm like, "Not today.
I don't think today is the day
1270
01:05:13,640 --> 01:05:15,840
we want my dogs
catching their first rabbit,
1271
01:05:15,840 --> 01:05:16,920
and it's diseased,
1272
01:05:16,920 --> 01:05:19,840
and Jenno is homesick,
and I've only just found out."
1273
01:05:21,080 --> 01:05:24,680
And I'm not proud of this,
but I just gave it a bit of a toe poke
1274
01:05:25,360 --> 01:05:26,640
to get it off the path.
1275
01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:29,080
It tumbled down the clover
under some shrubbery.
1276
01:05:29,080 --> 01:05:30,720
I'm like, "Great. I nailed that."
1277
01:05:30,720 --> 01:05:33,880
I look up. Jenno hasn't seen it,
and I'm like, "Yes."
1278
01:05:34,880 --> 01:05:36,240
But Jasper has,
1279
01:05:36,840 --> 01:05:40,640
and he comes tearing out, and he's like,
"I'm gonna get my first rabbit."
1280
01:05:40,640 --> 01:05:42,520
'Cause he's a feral fucker. I love him.
1281
01:05:42,520 --> 01:05:45,600
He's like, "I'm gonna get..."
And I'm like, "Not on my watch."
1282
01:05:45,600 --> 01:05:47,840
And now, I didn't kick him.
1283
01:05:48,520 --> 01:05:50,080
I didn't kick him.
1284
01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:52,880
My leg was entirely still.
1285
01:05:53,400 --> 01:05:55,360
He made a decision.
1286
01:05:55,360 --> 01:05:57,160
[audience laughing]
1287
01:05:57,160 --> 01:06:01,800
Let's be clear on that.
He made a decision to run into my leg,
1288
01:06:01,800 --> 01:06:05,520
and he made that decision very hard
and very fast.
1289
01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:08,920
And as soon as he hit my leg,
I've just gone... [swishes air, grunts]
1290
01:06:08,920 --> 01:06:09,840
...on the ground.
1291
01:06:09,840 --> 01:06:12,520
I just grabbed the scruff of his collar
in time.
1292
01:06:13,040 --> 01:06:14,680
And I'm like, "Phew!"
1293
01:06:14,680 --> 01:06:16,080
And then I look up.
1294
01:06:16,800 --> 01:06:19,640
And I see that Jenno has turned around,
1295
01:06:19,640 --> 01:06:21,320
and she has seen that.
1296
01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:24,280
She didn't see the rabbit.
1297
01:06:24,880 --> 01:06:27,760
She just saw me pick a fight with my dog.
1298
01:06:28,520 --> 01:06:29,720
And lose.
1299
01:06:30,640 --> 01:06:34,560
So she comes running back and said,
"Why did you just kick your dog?"
1300
01:06:35,080 --> 01:06:37,120
And I said, "It was a rabbit situation."
1301
01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:41,400
"And technically, I didn't kick him.
It was more of a coathanger, and..."
1302
01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:44,040
And she said, "What's a coathanger?"
1303
01:06:44,040 --> 01:06:46,160
This was before she played footyball.
1304
01:06:46,160 --> 01:06:48,560
And she said, "What's a coathanger?"
1305
01:06:48,560 --> 01:06:51,840
And then she's like,
"Oh, my God. A bunny."
1306
01:06:52,560 --> 01:06:55,280
The fucking rabbit
didn't know it was unsafe,
1307
01:06:56,040 --> 01:06:57,800
so he didn't know he was safe,
1308
01:06:57,800 --> 01:07:00,480
so he just came back out
on the fucking path.
1309
01:07:00,480 --> 01:07:03,440
Just going, "All right, bit of a din.
What's going on here?"
1310
01:07:03,440 --> 01:07:05,120
"Can I help? You need help?"
1311
01:07:05,720 --> 01:07:09,920
And I could tell Jenno wants
to touch the bunny with her hands,
1312
01:07:09,920 --> 01:07:13,360
and Jasper wants to touch the bunny
with his mouth teeth.
1313
01:07:13,920 --> 01:07:15,000
Right?
1314
01:07:15,000 --> 01:07:17,840
And what happens next
happened very quickly,
1315
01:07:17,840 --> 01:07:20,280
but I'm gonna walk you through it.
1316
01:07:20,280 --> 01:07:23,400
And I'm going to begin with my intention,
1317
01:07:24,960 --> 01:07:26,680
because it won't be clear.
1318
01:07:28,240 --> 01:07:31,040
What I wanted to do was get my jacket
1319
01:07:31,040 --> 01:07:33,040
and then pop it over the rabbit.
1320
01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,800
Bit of... bit of coat cocoon.
1321
01:07:36,320 --> 01:07:38,400
And then just pick it up, scoop it up,
1322
01:07:38,400 --> 01:07:41,320
take it to the vet
to outsource the slaughter.
1323
01:07:41,320 --> 01:07:44,840
Right? It was distressed.
It was diseased. It was on its way out.
1324
01:07:44,840 --> 01:07:48,360
I was-- I'm the hero. All right?
I'm the hero. Just remember that.
1325
01:07:48,360 --> 01:07:50,240
That's your mantra. I'm the hero.
1326
01:07:50,240 --> 01:07:52,120
Maybe I am the man one.
1327
01:07:52,120 --> 01:07:53,040
Um...
1328
01:07:54,880 --> 01:07:56,720
Anyway, all right.
1329
01:07:56,720 --> 01:07:59,920
So what happened was
I had Jasper by the scruff of his neck.
1330
01:08:00,520 --> 01:08:03,480
I had to get to the rabbit,
but I had to give myself a head start,
1331
01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:06,840
because Jasper's got four legs,
and he's good at them.
1332
01:08:06,840 --> 01:08:09,840
I've only got the two,
and we've established, not great.
1333
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:13,080
So I gave myself a head start
1334
01:08:13,080 --> 01:08:15,680
by throwing him away.
1335
01:08:15,680 --> 01:08:17,240
[audience laughing]
1336
01:08:17,240 --> 01:08:18,280
I know.
1337
01:08:18,280 --> 01:08:21,520
But it wasn't just like,
"Off you go, mate. You go over there."
1338
01:08:22,040 --> 01:08:25,800
No, no, no.
I went full Soviet discus thrower.
1339
01:08:26,480 --> 01:08:28,320
Like, straight out of the '80s.
1340
01:08:28,320 --> 01:08:31,520
Roided up out of nowhere,
I'm like... [grunts]
1341
01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:34,040
[audience laughing]
1342
01:08:35,480 --> 01:08:38,280
I'm watching Jasper.
He's flying through the air going,
1343
01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:41,840
"As soon as I hit the ground, I'm back.
I'm gonna get that rabbit."
1344
01:08:42,360 --> 01:08:46,960
And I turn around,
and I'm trying to get to the rabbit,
1345
01:08:46,960 --> 01:08:49,880
and then out of fucking nowhere,
1346
01:08:49,880 --> 01:08:54,760
Douglas decides today is the day
he's gonna be a real dog.
1347
01:08:55,840 --> 01:08:58,440
And he comes from fucking nowhere
1348
01:08:59,200 --> 01:09:02,640
and just... [growls]
...puts that rabbit in a death grip.
1349
01:09:02,640 --> 01:09:05,240
I know. In front of his best friend.
1350
01:09:05,240 --> 01:09:06,200
I know.
1351
01:09:06,800 --> 01:09:09,720
So I did the only thing I knew how to do.
1352
01:09:10,880 --> 01:09:16,720
"Get out of there, you bloody mongrel!
Go on with you! Drop it! Drop it!"
1353
01:09:16,720 --> 01:09:18,800
[audience laughing and applauding]
1354
01:09:21,520 --> 01:09:22,680
He's a good dog.
1355
01:09:23,600 --> 01:09:24,560
He's gone... Blech.
1356
01:09:25,640 --> 01:09:28,240
But Jenno and both dogs
have started going,
1357
01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:31,240
"Who the fuck are you?"
1358
01:09:31,240 --> 01:09:33,000
And the rabbit is not dead.
1359
01:09:33,600 --> 01:09:35,800
I know. But it's got the fear now.
1360
01:09:36,320 --> 01:09:38,400
And it starts screaming.
1361
01:09:38,400 --> 01:09:41,280
I don't know if you've heard
a rabbit scream. It's not great.
1362
01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:44,040
Watership Down is not a children's film.
1363
01:09:44,840 --> 01:09:46,080
It's bullshit.
1364
01:09:46,080 --> 01:09:47,440
So it starts going... [squeaks]
1365
01:09:47,440 --> 01:09:50,600
You know there's no end to this story
where I don't kill a rabbit.
1366
01:09:51,320 --> 01:09:54,440
You know I have to kill the rabbit.
It's the humane thing to do.
1367
01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:56,960
It's deeply distressed.
It's gonna die soon.
1368
01:09:56,960 --> 01:09:58,760
It needed to die sooner for the...
1369
01:09:58,760 --> 01:10:00,520
I'm the hero, I'm the hero. Okay.
1370
01:10:02,440 --> 01:10:03,760
I even knew how I was gonna do it.
1371
01:10:03,760 --> 01:10:07,720
There was a log. I was gonna pick it up,
squash the rabbit. Stamp it out.
1372
01:10:08,240 --> 01:10:09,080
I'm the hero.
1373
01:10:09,080 --> 01:10:11,240
But I didn't wanna do it
in front of Jenno.
1374
01:10:11,240 --> 01:10:12,840
I felt like she'd seen enough.
1375
01:10:13,800 --> 01:10:15,440
So I sent her on an errand.
1376
01:10:16,560 --> 01:10:18,880
I said, "I need a stick."
1377
01:10:18,880 --> 01:10:22,320
I didn't need a stick.
But I knew if I asked for something,
1378
01:10:22,320 --> 01:10:25,400
Jenno would put her producer hat on
and say, "I will produce."
1379
01:10:25,400 --> 01:10:27,560
Right? So she ran off. I'm like, "Yes!"
1380
01:10:27,560 --> 01:10:29,040
So I picked up the log.
1381
01:10:29,560 --> 01:10:31,480
Now, the thing about Jenno is
1382
01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:33,560
she's very efficient.
1383
01:10:33,560 --> 01:10:35,640
[audience laughing]
1384
01:10:36,200 --> 01:10:37,240
And I'm not.
1385
01:10:39,240 --> 01:10:42,440
So she comes back
at the worst possible time.
1386
01:10:43,560 --> 01:10:45,160
Because I was here.
1387
01:10:48,440 --> 01:10:53,480
Right? And even if I didn't wanna drop it
on the bunny, I couldn't have stopped it.
1388
01:10:54,000 --> 01:10:58,160
Like, momentum and gravity had taken over
by the time I saw her.
1389
01:10:58,160 --> 01:11:00,160
And when I did, I turned around,
1390
01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:04,680
and for the first time in my fucking life,
1391
01:11:04,680 --> 01:11:07,760
I have given extended eye contact
1392
01:11:09,520 --> 01:11:11,080
to another human being.
1393
01:11:11,080 --> 01:11:12,400
[audience laughing]
1394
01:11:12,400 --> 01:11:13,320
I know.
1395
01:11:14,200 --> 01:11:15,320
Just...
1396
01:11:16,240 --> 01:11:18,320
Eyeballed her. And I'm like...
1397
01:11:20,360 --> 01:11:21,200
[grunts]
1398
01:11:21,200 --> 01:11:22,800
[audience laughing]
1399
01:11:22,800 --> 01:11:25,680
And by then, I was in the zone,
1400
01:11:26,400 --> 01:11:30,320
which meant I had to make sure
the rabbit was dead, apparently.
1401
01:11:30,320 --> 01:11:34,240
So, without breaking eye contact,
I started to go...
1402
01:11:34,240 --> 01:11:35,240
[grunts]
1403
01:11:37,280 --> 01:11:38,440
[makes clicking sound]
1404
01:11:39,360 --> 01:11:43,640
And then I calmed down. I looked at Jenno,
and even I could read her face.
1405
01:11:44,520 --> 01:11:47,720
[chuckles] It was sad,
distressed probably.
1406
01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:52,520
And I looked at that,
and I'm like, "Oh, no."
1407
01:11:53,720 --> 01:11:55,400
"I've been there."
1408
01:11:57,520 --> 01:12:01,480
"I've been trapped in a relationship
with a bunny killer."
1409
01:12:01,480 --> 01:12:04,560
[audience laughing and applauding]
1410
01:12:05,240 --> 01:12:06,600
I didn't want that.
1411
01:12:08,520 --> 01:12:11,080
I did not want that for Jenno.
1412
01:12:12,640 --> 01:12:14,560
So I tried to fix it.
1413
01:12:14,560 --> 01:12:17,920
I said, "It was diseased.
I put it out of its misery. I'm the hero."
1414
01:12:17,920 --> 01:12:21,960
"It had myxomatosis. We call it myxo,
'cause we're fun with words."
1415
01:12:22,600 --> 01:12:26,200
"It was an introduced disease.
'Cause colonialism was never a good idea."
1416
01:12:26,200 --> 01:12:29,560
"If you need to go back to America,
you should. I don't want you to go,
1417
01:12:29,560 --> 01:12:31,600
but you must miss
your family and friends."
1418
01:12:31,600 --> 01:12:34,200
"We can hold up.
We don't know how long this will last."
1419
01:12:34,200 --> 01:12:37,480
"We're strong. Zoom's fine.
It's awful, but we'll cope."
1420
01:12:37,480 --> 01:12:40,320
"What do you need me to do?
What should I do?"
1421
01:12:40,320 --> 01:12:43,560
"What am I supposed to do?
What's the right thing for me to do?"
1422
01:12:43,560 --> 01:12:46,040
"What do I do?
What do I do? What do I do?"
1423
01:12:46,040 --> 01:12:47,360
And she said, "Stop."
1424
01:12:48,400 --> 01:12:49,680
"Don't panic."
1425
01:12:51,160 --> 01:12:52,680
"Who do you wanna be?"
1426
01:12:52,680 --> 01:12:54,560
[audience laughing]
1427
01:12:58,200 --> 01:12:59,600
"Your wife."
1428
01:13:01,400 --> 01:13:02,880
Thank you.
1429
01:13:02,880 --> 01:13:05,240
[audience cheering and applauding]
1430
01:13:05,240 --> 01:13:07,920
["Don't Leave Me This Way"
by The Communards playing]
1431
01:13:09,040 --> 01:13:13,080
♪ I can't survive, I can't stay alive ♪
1432
01:13:13,080 --> 01:13:16,720
♪ Without your love, no, oh, baby ♪
1433
01:13:17,320 --> 01:13:21,720
♪ Don't leave me this way ♪
1434
01:13:21,720 --> 01:13:23,800
♪ I can't exist ♪
1435
01:13:23,800 --> 01:13:28,280
♪ I would surely miss your tender kiss ♪
1436
01:13:28,280 --> 01:13:31,680
♪ So don't leave me this way ♪
1437
01:13:31,680 --> 01:13:34,560
♪ Ah, baby! ♪
1438
01:13:35,240 --> 01:13:38,200
♪ My heart is full of love
And desire for you ♪
1439
01:13:38,720 --> 01:13:42,040
♪ So come on down and do
What you gotta do ♪
1440
01:13:42,560 --> 01:13:46,000
♪ You started this fire down in my soul ♪
1441
01:13:46,000 --> 01:13:49,400
{\an8}♪ Now can't you see
It's burning out of control ♪
1442
01:13:49,880 --> 01:13:52,680
♪ So come on down
And satisfy the need in me ♪
1443
01:13:53,360 --> 01:13:59,200
♪ 'Cause only your good lovin'
Can set me free ♪
1444
01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:02,400
{\an8}♪ Don't, don't you leave me this way... ♪