1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:15,400 ["Birdhouse In Your Soul" by They Might Be Giants playing] 4 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,760 - ♪ But I'm a little glowing friend ♪ - [audience cheering] 5 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:20,800 ♪ But really I'm not actually your friend ♪ 6 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:21,840 [song fades out] 7 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:26,800 - [song resumes] - [audience continues cheering] 8 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:29,160 ♪ Blue canary in the outlet By the light switch ♪ 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:31,600 ♪ Who watches over you? ♪ 10 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,880 ♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪ 11 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:35,720 ♪ Not to put too fine a point on it... ♪ 12 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:38,600 - Hey! - [audience cheering and applauding] 13 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:40,600 [Hannah laughs] 14 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:42,840 Thank you. 15 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,000 [cheering and applause fade] 16 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,040 I got married. 17 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,120 [audience cheers] 18 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,240 I know, I know. 19 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:01,400 It's nice. 20 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,800 I like it, I like it. 21 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,680 That's what this show's going to be about. 22 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:10,560 I know. It's going to be a romantic comedy. 23 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,200 Yeah. 24 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,520 Yucky! [chuckles] Blech. 25 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:18,240 No, but it's true, this is going to be a feel-good show. 26 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:20,320 - Yes! - [audience cheering] 27 00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,840 Yes, it's going to be a feel-good show, 28 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,560 because I believe I owe you one. 29 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,240 [audience cheering and applauding] 30 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:29,840 Yeah. 31 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:36,080 I have dragged you through a bit of my shit over the years, 32 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,080 and you've stuck with me. Much obliged! 33 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,400 But it's time for some payoff. 34 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:45,040 So that's what this is going to be, a bit of ta-da. Right? 35 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,960 Just for an hour or so, we're gonna feel good, right? 36 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,920 I'm gonna make you, a roomful of relative strangers, 37 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,880 feel good together, right? 38 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,960 My hands where you can see them. 39 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,200 Yeah? Eh? Little lesbian joke just sprinkled in there. 40 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,360 Off to a good start, I'd say. 41 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,240 Off to a good start. 42 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,720 Before I do kick off, 43 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,720 I do want to acknowledge that the world is ending. 44 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:13,280 I don't want you to think I'm oblivious. I'm not. I've clocked it. 45 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,640 We're done. We're cooked. 46 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:19,320 We're cooked. But the thing is, I don't think I can solve it. 47 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,520 Not tonight. Not... 48 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:24,640 Not in the time allocated. 49 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:26,880 So, I'm just gonna ignore it, 50 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,840 and, just for the next hour, we're gonna feel good together, 51 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,360 and then we can head back out there 52 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,840 and be the mass extinction event that we are. 53 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,160 Are you ready for that? All right. 54 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:39,200 [audience cheering and applauding] 55 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:43,880 There we go. 56 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,360 Jenney is my spouse-lady's name. Yeah. 57 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:52,640 - You clap a fact. You clap a fact. - [audience applauding] 58 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:54,280 [Hannah chuckles] 59 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,160 I... I call her Jenno, 60 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,560 because, you know, g'day. Uh... 61 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,880 She thinks it's cute, so that's great. 62 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:06,000 That's a solid result for no effort. You gotta be happy with that. 63 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:10,800 I tell you what, it was a very steep learning curve 64 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,760 for the pair of us to organize a betrothal. 65 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:18,160 Uh, fuck me, straight people have a lot of feelings. 66 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,880 They've got a lot of feelings about weddings. I didn't know. 67 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:24,800 It's a thing. 68 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,680 I suppose, because I have been not invited for so long, 69 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,640 I... I didn't know it was a special occasion. 70 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,560 Who knew? Straight people. 71 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,520 We made a lot of mistakes though, apparently. 72 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:42,000 Um, we had a shark cake, for one. 73 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,440 [audience laughing] 74 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,680 Yep. Our wedding cake was a novelty cake. 75 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,520 Yep. It just had a big, fuck-off shark's head 76 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,320 coming out the top. Just... [growls] 77 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,400 It was a great white. Thank you for asking. 78 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,680 Um... 79 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,760 It had two killer side-eye happening, two rows of teeth, 80 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,120 because facts. 81 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,600 Just coming out of the top of the cake. [growls] "Shark cake." 82 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,680 We had the little figurines you're supposed to have on a wedding cake. 83 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:12,240 What are they called? Hood ornaments? I'm not sure. I don't care. 84 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,960 Most people have a bride and groom, but we didn't, because facts. 85 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,920 We... we went with two otters... 86 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,920 holding hands. 87 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:21,840 I know. 88 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,360 In the shark's mouth. 89 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,680 - [audience laughing and applauding] - [growls] 90 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,680 People didn't like it. 91 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:33,600 They were thrown. 92 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,320 Like... [shrilly] "Why'd you have a shark cake, a silly, novelty cake?" 93 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:37,720 "I don't like it." 94 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,760 [in normal voice] That's not how they sound. 95 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,800 That's how I hear them, and that's an important distinction. 96 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,720 But we had a good reason for having a novelty cake. 97 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:50,720 Uh, the reason being we wanted to trick a Christian baker. 98 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:56,440 [audience cheering and applauding] 99 00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:01,960 Yep, we wanted to trick a Christian baker into making a gay wedding cake, and... 100 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,760 it worked. It was like, 101 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,640 "Nah, mate, that's not a wedding cake. I'm turning ten." 102 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,280 [audience laughing] 103 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,680 Easy. So gullible. 104 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,600 Believe anything, Christians. 105 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,360 [audience laughing] 106 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,840 [Hannah chuckles] 107 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:25,040 [chuckles] No. So, he's going to hell. Uh, your... 108 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,560 We've all gotta do our bit to get through this gay agenda. 109 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:32,760 Um... sending Christian bakers to hell one at a time. 110 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,720 Very efficient activism, isn't it? 111 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,200 I didn't say who it's a feel-good show for. 112 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,120 I should have. 113 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:43,920 I'm feeling real good. 114 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,080 [sighs] 115 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:53,400 I suppose one of the reasons Jenno and I struggled to wedding correctly 116 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:57,480 is because neither of us had spent any of our life thinking about it, 117 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:01,360 like, planning our "special day." Apparently, you're supposed to. 118 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,720 As the... as the lady-born amongst us, 119 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:07,800 you're supposed to spend an inordinate amount of time fantasizing 120 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:11,080 about the color scheme and floral arrangement 121 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,120 of the day you're sold off. And I... 122 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,760 I'd just never given it a thought. 123 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,120 'Cause it was not an option for me for a long time. 124 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:22,160 You gotta remember I grew up in a time 125 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:26,080 when us gays weren't even allowed to adopt a fucking highway. 126 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:30,360 Right? Much less marry someone we wanted to touch. 127 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:32,920 So why would I waste my time? 128 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,680 Jenno is bisexual, 129 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:37,600 so technically, she could've half-thought about it. 130 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,200 [audience laughing] 131 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,160 But she didn't. Busy, too busy. 132 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,240 Classic bisexual. Am I right? 133 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,280 [audience laughing] 134 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:46,160 Eh? No. 135 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,640 No, I'm not right. 136 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,640 That's a nasty stereotype. 137 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,560 But I do like to brag that I married a bisexual woman. 138 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,880 Because it upsets a very particular kind of man 139 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:02,560 that I really enjoy upsetting. 140 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:05,280 Because this is a decision. 141 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,560 And you weren't. 142 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:14,080 Again, I didn't specify who this was a feel-good show for. 143 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:20,440 We loved our wedding, by the way. I should note that. We had a great time. 144 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:25,720 It was a very small ceremony at home. Just a spattering of friends and family. 145 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,360 Only my friends and family 146 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,400 because I'm the priority. 147 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:30,920 [scattered laughter] 148 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:33,320 That's a joke, and it's not my best work, 149 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,840 so well done, you, for giving that a lukewarm response. 150 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,520 You read the room. I appreciate that. 151 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:43,840 No, uh, the reason being is Jenno is American, right? 152 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,360 "What? Oh, no!" Diversity. You're welcome. 153 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:51,120 So it was pandemic-depending. Our borders closed, 154 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,920 so Jenno's family and friends couldn't come to our wedding, 155 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,320 which is sad. 156 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,480 But also, is it? 157 00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:58,600 [audience laughing] 158 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:05,640 One of the things about wedding culture I don't understand 159 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,640 is the pressure on the proposal. 160 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:13,320 In that time between when you are engaged and when you get married, right, 161 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:16,840 in that little perineum of time, it's... 162 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,280 It is like that. It's a little perineum of time, 163 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:24,760 because it's... it's not the destination, but it's very exciting to be there. 164 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:29,640 In... 165 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,600 In that little perineum of time, 166 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:38,440 the only thing anybody ever wants to know is, "How did you propose?" 167 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:39,680 "How did you propose?" 168 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:41,920 I'm like, "Don't you wanna know her name?" 169 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,880 Like, "No. Who cares?" 170 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:52,240 Apparently, you're supposed to propose on a beach, or at sunset, or some shit. 171 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,440 All right, I'll give you sunset. Sunset's nice. 172 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,960 But the beach? Fuck off. 173 00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,600 I hate the beach. 174 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,400 Like, I don't trust sand. 175 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,960 I don't. It's never where it says it's gonna be. 176 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,640 Guaranteed, six months after I've been to the beach, 177 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:12,160 I will find a pearl on my person. 178 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,760 [audience laughing] 179 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:17,000 That's another little perineum joke if you think about it, isn't it? 180 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,920 Yeah, a little diamond in the muff. He gets it. 181 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,520 [audience laughing] 182 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,280 Apparently, a proposal is supposed to be a big, romantic gesture. 183 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,960 Go big, or go home alone. 184 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:31,400 Right? 185 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,960 And I don't understand where the romance is supposed to live 186 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,120 in a proposal. 187 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,720 'Cause from what I can gather, 188 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:42,280 a proposal is, at best, reverse-engineered spontaneity. 189 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,320 At worst, it's an ambush. 190 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,560 [audience laughing] 191 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:52,640 Like, best-case scenario, at least the partners have a team meeting. 192 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,520 Right? They have a team meeting, they make a plan, 193 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,280 they propose a proposal, which is weird. 194 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,480 And then they make up a to-do list, 195 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,520 complete with props and a destination, 196 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,920 a beach, perhaps. 197 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,360 Then one of the partners sets to ticking off the to-do list 198 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:13,240 while the other partner sets to forgetting they were ever involved. 199 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:14,920 [audience laughing] 200 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,040 So when the proposal finally happens, 201 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,800 they're like, "Oh, my God! I'm so surprised." 202 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:23,720 "Look at that ring! Oh, my God, Oh, my God. Oh, my God!" 203 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,040 "I've never seen anything so beautiful!" 204 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,080 Fucking stop it. 205 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:33,800 Seriously. You chose that ring! 206 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,240 Stop gaslighting yourself. 207 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:40,920 It's embarrassing. 208 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,160 But that's the best-case scenario. 209 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,920 Because otherwise, there's no team meeting. 210 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:52,320 One of the partners just assumes they're a fucking catch. 211 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:54,400 [audience laughing] 212 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,160 The temerity! And... 213 00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:01,480 It is my understanding, in the cis-hetero world, 214 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:03,880 it's the man one. 215 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,760 Now, that's a gross generalization, absolutely. 216 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,840 But it's also 100% true. 217 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,240 [audience laughing] 218 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,840 I did my own research. 219 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,680 Confirmed my own bias. 220 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,680 But it is the man one, which is fun. 221 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,680 Because who handles rejection the best? 222 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:24,760 [audience laughing] 223 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,320 Men who think they're a fucking catch. 224 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,560 So that's a recipe for a good time if ever I've heard one. 225 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:34,960 Say yes, we get married. 226 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,240 Say no, I stalk you. Romance! 227 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,480 It's a trap. 228 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,840 [audience laughing and applauding] 229 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,800 Thank you, thank you. Very kind. 230 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,720 It's like you're being coached. 231 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,560 I proposed to Jenno. 232 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,280 Um, it wasn't a given. I'm not the man one. 233 00:11:58,280 --> 00:11:59,960 Um... [laughing] 234 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,240 We're in a genuinely queer relationship, right? 235 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,040 Which means when it comes to the division of labor, 236 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:08,760 we just divvy up the jobs according to actual skill sets 237 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,960 and whoever can be fucked. [chuckling] And... 238 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,600 And it works. It really does. 239 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,960 We always, almost, remember to put the bins out. 240 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,280 Every week, almost. 241 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,280 It's a great-- It's a great time. 242 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,200 It's a great time. 243 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,840 But I-- I did propose. We did have the team meeting. 244 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,280 We had a team meeting, we decided that, yes, we wanted some of that 245 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,720 sweet, sweet, sweet administrative privilege. 246 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,160 Then we just didn't do anything about it. We got busy. Classic. 247 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,920 Right. And then I ended up proposing. 248 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,000 And I didn't... 249 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,200 I didn't plan to. 250 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,200 I didn't wake up the morning of going, "Today's the day." 251 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,560 I pretty much ambushed both of us. 252 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:53,480 Right? I didn't have a speech. I didn't have a ring. 253 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,360 I didn't have a destination. 254 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:59,280 I did not get down on bended knee. Fuck that shit. I... 255 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,200 Why? I've had three knee reconstructions. 256 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,240 My patella are spongy. 257 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:07,000 It's actually quite painful for me to kneel. 258 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,240 That's why I can't sleep with men. 259 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,520 [audience laughing and applauding] 260 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,000 That's a... that's a joke. 261 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,560 And it doesn't even make sense. 262 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,240 There are other far more compelling reasons. 263 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,360 [laughs] 264 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,200 I actually proposed like this. I did this. [groans] 265 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,560 This is nice. Good stretch. 266 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,120 People ask me, "You've had three knee reconstructions." 267 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,320 "Are you an athlete?" 268 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,960 To which I go, "No, but are you a detective?" 269 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,160 [audience laughing] 270 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:45,920 "'Cause you're not very good." 271 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:50,320 [chuckles] "You must've played netball. That's bad for the knees." 272 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:54,240 "You must've played netball." Fuck off! I played... No, I did not. 273 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,560 Netball is for sluts. 274 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,040 [audience laughing] 275 00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:59,720 I'm not gonna play netball. 276 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,160 I stand by that. Netball is for sluts. 277 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:11,320 To be clear, I have nothing against either netball or sluts. 278 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,640 I'm a big fan of both, if I'm honest. 279 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:16,560 [chuckles] 280 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:18,920 I just like saying it. 281 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:22,680 It's just got a good click to it, you know? 282 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,680 "Netball is for sluts." 283 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,520 It's cathartic. It's my mantra. 284 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,920 It... it got me through the pandemic. 285 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:31,760 It did. 286 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,720 It's like, "Oh, I can't work. Netball is for sluts! Come on!" 287 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,680 It was a good time. It was a good time. 288 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:44,520 I say it a lot. But the thing is, Jenno doesn't know what netball is. 289 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,680 And I won't tell her. 290 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:50,040 Because you gotta keep the mystery alive. You know what I mean? 291 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,000 Even if I did wanna explain netball to her, 292 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,440 how do you do that? 293 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:57,440 "It's like basketball, 294 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,840 but as soon as you get the ball, the floor is lava." 295 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,760 [audience laughing] 296 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,920 It's just a lot of people running around in bibs, 297 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,840 but nobody can dribble. 298 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:12,360 And I'm not gonna take her to a game. Absolutely not. 299 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,000 There is far too much of this. 300 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,080 All the time. Just... 301 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,560 - [mumbling humorously] - [audience laughing] 302 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,240 Jenno is Jewish. 303 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,280 [audience cheering] 304 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,120 I know! 305 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,600 [mouthing] I know. 306 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,520 That's... [grunts] 307 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,480 Actually, I should tell you why. I have a lot of injuries 308 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,960 because I have what's called a "problematic gait." 309 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:51,360 Uh, that's what the doctor called it. The doctor called it a "problematic gait." 310 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,880 He wasn't a gynecologist. Not that kind of gate. 311 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,240 It's very different, very different. 312 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,480 [chuckles, growls] 313 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,280 That's why I can't sleep with men. It's like... [growls] 314 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,200 No. 315 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:08,800 That's how I proposed. 316 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,120 I was actually having a panic attack when I proposed. 317 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,200 Why not? What a time to be alive! 318 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,640 [audience laughing] 319 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,920 But Jenno said this thing that she always says to me 320 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,800 when I'm having a bit of a meltdown. 321 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,600 She said, "Don't panic." 322 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,720 Which, on its own, is bullshit. Don't say that. 323 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:31,320 If you see someone having a panic attack, don't go, "Are you panicking?" 324 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,880 "Have you tried not?" Like, that's... 325 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:36,320 That's bullshit. 326 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,960 But it's what Jenno says next that brings it home. 327 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,560 She said, "Don't panic. Who do you wanna be?" 328 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,720 And my brain hears that, and it's like... 329 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,800 Because in my brain, when I'm having a panic attack, 330 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,680 I'm going, "What do I do? What do I do? What should I do?" 331 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,520 "What am I supposed to do? What's the right thing to do? What do I do?" 332 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,160 And she said, "Stop. Who?" 333 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,560 "Who do you wanna be?" 334 00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:00,480 And my brain hears that and just goes, "A game!" 335 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,720 I love games. Panic's over. I am that simple. 336 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,920 [audience laughing] 337 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:11,160 And on this particular day, she's gone, "Who do you wanna be?" 338 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,200 And I've gone, 339 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,440 "Your wife." 340 00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:17,320 - I know, I know. - [audience applauding] 341 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,280 I agree with you. 342 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:21,760 I agree with you. 343 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:26,000 That's... that's tidy, right? 344 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,120 It's borderline adorable. 345 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,400 But apparently, it's not enough for the keepers of the genre. 346 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:37,240 Keepers of the proposal genre want proof of a plan. 347 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,240 They want a bit of effort. They want some context in the story, 348 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:42,600 and I cannot give you that. 349 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,360 If I was to paint any more of a picture than I've just given you, no good. 350 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,360 No romance. There was a death. 351 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,720 I'm not gonna go into it. This is a feel-good show. 352 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,160 But just so you know it's there. 353 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,480 This is a feel-good show. This is not a trap. 354 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,560 I'm not doing that thing I'm famous for. 355 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,120 I lull you into a false sense of security. You're like, "This feels good." 356 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,920 Then I go, "No, don't feel good. Feel bad. Go home. Feel worse." That... 357 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,960 is not what's going on here. This is a feel-good show. 358 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,360 - Or is it? - [audience laughing] 359 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,000 No, it is. It is. 360 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,000 It is. [chuckles] 361 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,040 I would love to turn that into a romantic, lovely story. 362 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:24,400 Right? I really would. I don't want to be contrary all the time. 363 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:25,800 But I can't. 364 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,040 I can't turn that into a... a lovely story. 365 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:32,360 And I-- it's disappointing, 'cause I'm good at a story. 366 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,680 I'm a little bit of a professional, if I'm honest. 367 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,600 But I can't do it, right? And Jenno can't tell that story, 368 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:43,040 'cause she's shit at stories. Like, she's fucking bad, right? 369 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,880 And to be fair, that's not my personal opinion. 370 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,920 I love the way Jenno tells the story. 371 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,600 It's just the opinion of every other person that's ever met her. 372 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:53,640 [audience laughing] 373 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,280 But I do love the way she tells a story. 374 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,720 It's got to the stage in our relationship, we tell couple's stories now. 375 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,080 I know. Blech. But... True. 376 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,160 And I defer. I do. I go, "You tell it, Jenno." 377 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:09,400 And you can see the look of horror descending on people's faces. 378 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,000 They're like, "No! You were supposed to help." 379 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,240 "You're a professional." 380 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,040 I'm like, "Day off, mate. Go on, Jenno." 381 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,040 I get my storytelling skills off my mum. 382 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,720 She's an excellent storyteller, one of the best. 383 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,160 The thing about my mum is she always, without fail, 384 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,280 lands the story plane. 385 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,520 Right? It's an incredible skill. 386 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,040 But her superpower, 387 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:39,160 her storytelling superpower, is she is really great 388 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,360 at hijacking other people's story planes... 389 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,000 and landing in on their face. 390 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,480 [audience laughing] 391 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,040 Like, it's a marvel, but also frightening. 392 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:55,800 I am very happy to report that my mum and Jenno get along very well. 393 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,200 It's a relief, because I don't have the constitution 394 00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,920 to deal with that kind of tension. 395 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:03,400 If my mum and my partner didn't get along, someone would have to go. 396 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,240 They would. And... and I've run the analytics. 397 00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,800 - It would be me. I... - [audience laughing] 398 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,160 I am the weakest link. Absolutely. 399 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:18,480 But it was a great relief. 400 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,840 'Cause my mum is not famous for being fond early. 401 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,720 I once introduced her to a girlfriend, right? 402 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,760 And she said, "I don't like her." 403 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:29,880 [exhales slowly] 404 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,280 "And I don't have to." 405 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,640 I know. It's like, "Yep. Fair enough, Mum." 406 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,240 "But she's right there." 407 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:38,720 [audience laughing] 408 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,880 "We could've had this conversation later." She was like... 409 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,320 I'm not alone. I'm the youngest of five kids. 410 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,320 All of my siblings had to do navigation to bring a spouse into the fold. 411 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,840 My brother-in-law has a great relationship with my mum now. 412 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,400 But in the beginning, struggle bus. 413 00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:02,040 Because he's an Irishman, as it happens, and he's very pale of the complexion, 414 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,800 even by my standards, 415 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,640 and I'm an in-flight omelet. 416 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:06,560 But... 417 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:13,320 But he's a translucent potato. Like, it's... [blows air] ...amazing. 418 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,760 And Mum took to calling him Casper. 419 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,080 [audience laughing] 420 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:21,320 And once she worked out that he didn't like it, she dug in. 421 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,320 For a good couple of years, he's like, "I've got a name," 422 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,840 and she's like, "I don't know what his problem is." 423 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,440 "Casper is the Friendly Ghost." 424 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,880 Just like a fact and a threat all wrapped up in one. 425 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:37,400 [puffs air] 426 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,080 But Mum and Jenno, they hit it off immediately. 427 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:44,160 They met after one of my shows. 428 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,720 Um, because, fun fact, Jenno is my producer. 429 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,240 She's right there. 430 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,080 - [audience cheering] - Yeah. 431 00:21:55,880 --> 00:22:01,440 And just in case you're wondering where the balance of power is here, 432 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,160 as I'm onstage telling our story, 433 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,920 Jenno has complete control over the lights and sound. 434 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:09,840 - So... - [audience laughing] 435 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:11,800 ...there it is. 436 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,840 [chuckles] Friendly Ghost. 437 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,400 They met after one of my gigs. 438 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:21,480 The thing about Jenno as a producer, she's always with backpack. 439 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:26,040 Right? That's her style as a producer. She's always with backpack. 440 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,440 Uh, it's where the business is, right? 441 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,680 So when Mum met Jenno, 442 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:32,600 she was with backpack. 443 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,760 And Mum took one look at her and said, 444 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,680 "Well, hello, Dora the Explorer." 445 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:39,760 [audience laughing] 446 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,560 And Jenno just said, "Thank you." 447 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:47,800 "She sees me." 448 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:53,840 But Mum and Jenno had a conversation outside of my earshot that night, 449 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,720 the first time they met. That's not how I would've played it. 450 00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:00,840 If it was up to me, Mum and Jenno would never be alone together, ever. 451 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,840 Mum's too much of a loose unit. I don't trust her. 452 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:06,680 But they, straightaway. 453 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,200 But Jenno gave me a full report the next day. 454 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,120 And by full report, what I mean is 455 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:15,040 she just kept repeating what my mum had told her, 456 00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,920 like, over and over and over again 457 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,480 in the vain hope that one day it might make sense. 458 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:22,880 Nah. Nah. 459 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,600 She said, "Hannah, your mum told me--" 460 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:26,920 Now, Jenno is American, 461 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,840 but the way I tell it, she does sound very Australian. 462 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,600 I think... [laughs] 463 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,920 You have to do the work in your head because I won't do the accent. 464 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:37,520 I don't have time. 465 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,360 I don't have time for all those Rs 466 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,400 that they insist on enunciating over there. It's boring. 467 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:47,080 Like, no other English-speaking nation in the world 468 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,960 uses the word "rural" in casual conversation. 469 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,840 Like, there are far more efficient ways of saying "not in the city." 470 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:58,120 Not for them. 471 00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:00,960 They're like... [in American accent] "I'm from rural America." 472 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,920 [in normal voice] It's like, "Are you, mate? I live in the bush." 473 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:12,200 Jenno finds an R in my name. "Hanner." 474 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:14,480 It's not even there. 475 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,760 She says, "Hanner..." See, I won't do the accent. 476 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:24,440 She says, "Hannah, your mum told me that she takes money out of the bank 477 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,640 to save..." 478 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,160 [audience laughing] 479 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,280 "...for teeth." 480 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,520 "Hannah, Hannah, she takes money out of the bank 481 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,120 to save for teeth." 482 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:42,560 "Hannah? Hannah?" 483 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,920 "Are you listening? Hannah, your mum 484 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:50,040 takes money out of the bank to save for teeth." 485 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:53,280 "You know that's three separate ideas? They don't relate." 486 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,480 "But they do in your mum's head." 487 00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,600 "Hannah, Hannah, she takes money out of the bank 488 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,040 to save for teeth." 489 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,520 "Hannah, that doesn't make any sense." 490 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,680 And I'm like, "I know!" 491 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,680 [audience laughing] 492 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:14,320 I've been hearing about my mum's dental saving plan for years. 493 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,400 Every pension day, she takes a cheeky ten or 15 out, 494 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,280 puts it in the special drawer. 495 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,640 She said, "Because if I leave it in the bank, Hannah, 496 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:27,800 I'll spend it." 497 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,800 [audience laughing] 498 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:37,040 I remember when my mum got her first-ever pair of false teeth. 499 00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:40,320 It was a very unsettling time of my life. 500 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:41,400 I was a teenager, 501 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,240 and when she got them, 502 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,160 they were too big. 503 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,240 Right? And for whatever reason, 504 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:51,600 she just didn't get them tightened up for a good couple of years. 505 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:53,880 So they just rattled around. 506 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,000 So whenever she became animated, 507 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:02,080 the top rack would drop down and just completely transform her face. 508 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,280 Like, she would be angry, 509 00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,240 and then she'd break out in a big, beautiful smile. 510 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:12,560 I mean... [laughs] 511 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:15,560 She'd be like, "Well, you can leave home if you like." 512 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,640 "You're not welcome here." 513 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,360 [audience laughing] 514 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:25,320 It was... Thank you. 515 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:29,280 It was worse when she yawned. 516 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:33,800 Because when she yawned, the top rack would drop down, 517 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,840 and the bottom rack would pop up, 518 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:38,360 and they'd meet in the middle. 519 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:43,560 Have you ever seen anybody yawn with their teeth clenched? 520 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,360 It is unsettling on a primal level. 521 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,840 Because their body says, "Relaxed," 522 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:55,280 but their face says, "I will hunt you down!" 523 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,960 [audience laughing and applauding] 524 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:03,640 But she likes Jenno. 525 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,640 She said, "I like her. She's not a dickhead." 526 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,280 Which is the highest of praise. 527 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:13,800 I had to ask my dad what he thought, 528 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,120 because he's not a whistleblower, not on his own feelings. 529 00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,200 So I asked him-- 530 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:21,040 - That deserved more, but you do you. Um... - [audience laughing] 531 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,280 "Whistleblower on your feelings." I like that. 532 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,880 We'll probably edit it out 'cause it got nothing. 533 00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:31,320 And this is about how you feel about the show. I'm not attached. 534 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:32,960 [audience laughing] 535 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,440 Okay, we got there. 536 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,000 I said, "Dad, what do you reckon about Jenno?" 537 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,280 And he said, "Oh, yeah. Yeah." 538 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,200 "Yeah, I... anyway." 539 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,840 "Yeah, yeah. Anyway..." 540 00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,720 "What's your mother reckon? I probably..." 541 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:50,800 [laughs] 542 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,880 Dad can't tell stories. 543 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,520 That is a thing. My dad is the worst storyteller. 544 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,240 At the same time, my mum is the best. 545 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,440 And one of my favorite sports 546 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,640 is watching my dad try and tell a story in front of my mum, 547 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,000 because it drives her spare. 548 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,040 You can just see her vibrating, 549 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:17,120 waiting for the first opportunity to hijack his story plane. 550 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:21,280 But the thing is you cannot hijack my dad's story planes, 551 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,760 because they never get off the fucking ground. 552 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:25,840 [audience laughing] 553 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:28,880 Never. 554 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:34,240 He's like, "I don't know if I told you. The other day, I went to the shops 555 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:35,880 to get some milk, you see?" 556 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:40,160 "But I'd gotten up at about quarter to seven." 557 00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,560 "Usually, I get up at around quarter past six, 558 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,360 quarter to six, give or take. But I slept in." 559 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,040 "A couple nights earlier, I'd had disrupted sleep, 560 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,200 'cause Margaret rang up, and I was a bit unsettled." 561 00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:53,720 "You never catch up the sleep the next night." 562 00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:55,320 "It's a couple of nights later." 563 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:59,560 "So I slept in to about quarter to seven thereabouts, and, um..." 564 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:04,200 "Which meant by the time I went to the shops to get the milk, you see, 565 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,920 the school traffic had hit. My word!" 566 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,480 "Oh, my word! I reckon what they're doing 567 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,760 is they're trying to avoid the backlog on the main road 568 00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:18,080 and coming past our place. I reckon they're all doing that 569 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:21,080 and the main road's empty. There's so many of them." 570 00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:24,400 And you just see Mum. She's just like... [grumbles] 571 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:27,040 "Will you shut up?" 572 00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:30,800 And Dad's like... [mumbling] "I'm trying to tell a story." 573 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:33,720 She said, "That's not a story, Roger." 574 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,400 "That's just a list of facts you've remembered 575 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,240 on your way to being a very boring man." 576 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:41,240 - [audience laughing] - [Hannah puffs air] 577 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:42,160 [chuckles] 578 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:44,200 Brutal! 579 00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:51,480 My dad doesn't get too upset. He's like, "Oh, anyway, how about a cuppa?" 580 00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:53,720 "I've got some milk." 581 00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,960 He's a very mild-mannered man, very mild-mannered. 582 00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,920 My parents' parenting style was very much 583 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:04,800 bad cop, asleep cop. 584 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:06,760 That's how they rolled. 585 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:09,120 Dad never raised his voice at us kids. 586 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:13,480 He's very quietly spoken. He only ever really raised it once, 587 00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:15,960 and it was so shocking, I'll never forget it. 588 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:20,160 It's just so in contrast to who I knew him as. 589 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:22,240 So what happened was 590 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,080 he dropped a bit of cheese, 591 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:28,080 and the dog got it. 592 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:29,840 [audience laughing] 593 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:31,360 [Hannah] That's his line. 594 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:36,200 It wasn't even a fancy bit of cheese, you know? 595 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,080 It's just some Homebrand cheddar. 596 00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,400 But it was his cheese, 597 00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:41,880 and he dropped it, 598 00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:43,520 and the dog got it. 599 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:46,760 And he's like... [yelling] "Get out of there, you bloody mongrel!" 600 00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:50,640 "Go on with you! Go on! Drop it! Drop it!" 601 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,200 [in normal voice] And the dog's like... Blech. 602 00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:54,400 [audience laughing] 603 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:59,160 And my brother and I were there, just going, "Who are you?" 604 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,160 Dad's like, "Yeah. Bloody hell. Yeah." 605 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:02,320 [grumbling] 606 00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:06,320 [spits] 607 00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:10,000 I've gotta spit it out. We'll probably cut that out. [laughs] 608 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:12,600 Been touring this show for a year. 609 00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:15,400 Every night, I commit to that. 610 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,080 Swallow... 611 00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:20,960 the pretend cheese. 612 00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:25,520 And my mind's going, "No. It's been on the floor." 613 00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:29,720 But it hasn't. It's not real. 614 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:32,400 In my mind, I don't think it matters. 615 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:37,360 I can't pretend swallow the pretend cheese. 616 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,600 That's probably why I can't sleep with men. 617 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:43,760 Hey! 618 00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:44,840 No. 619 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:46,920 [audience cheering and applauding] 620 00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:51,880 Doesn't make any sense. 621 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:54,280 [chuckles] 622 00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:59,920 I had a lot of girlfriends before Jenno. Um... 623 00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:02,200 I'm not bragging, but it was a lot. G'day. 624 00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:03,720 Um... [laughs] 625 00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:07,080 I didn't set out to be a netballer. I... 626 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:09,160 [audience laughing] 627 00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:12,600 I'm just not very good at relating, 628 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:18,400 and it turns out relating is a good part of what a relationship is. 629 00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:20,560 It was nothing too dramatic. 630 00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:24,920 Most of my relationships ended with us folding in mutual exhaustion. 631 00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:25,840 Um... 632 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:29,600 I once got dumped because I got caught out in a lie. 633 00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:32,800 Um, I was really delighted, personally, 634 00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,000 because I'm really bad at lying. 635 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:41,160 I can't pretend swallow pretend cheese and then not tell you about it. Like, I'm... 636 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:43,960 So for me to be able to tell a lie, 637 00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:48,280 then hold onto it for long enough for it to become a betrayal of trust, 638 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:52,440 that felt, to me, like a sign of maturation, you know? 639 00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:55,560 Like, "One day, I'll be a real boy." You know? 640 00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,360 I'll tell you what happened. I feel like you've gone cold. 641 00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:01,120 [whispering] "I thought we could trust you." 642 00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:04,960 [in normal voice] What happened was my girlfriend asked 643 00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:06,760 if I wanted an ice cream. 644 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,320 I know. High stakes. 645 00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:14,280 And I said yes, 'cause I wanted the ice cream. 646 00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:16,720 That wasn't the lie. I'm not a monster. 647 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:19,760 But this is how I said yes. 648 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:23,480 I said, "Yeah. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream." 649 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:27,840 And she said, "Wow! Did you just make that up?" 650 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:31,520 [audience laughing] 651 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,880 "Yes, yes, I did. Yes." I know. 652 00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:39,040 [audience applauding] 653 00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:40,080 Why not? 654 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:45,240 Now, I'm pretty sure I was about to self-correct. 655 00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,440 Right, right? I didn't feel like I was gonna hold onto that one. 656 00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:53,040 But then I got an ice cream, very distracted, and I forgot. 657 00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,760 Six months later, she found out... 658 00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,920 that I wasn't such a gifted poet after all. 659 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,920 She was very upset. 660 00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:07,400 She said, "You lied to me." 661 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:11,800 "How could I ever trust you again? You lied to me." 662 00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:16,880 And in the end, I said, "Honestly, I don't think I should be held accountable 663 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:21,320 for all the glaring gaps in your general knowledge." [chuckles] 664 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:23,160 [audience laughing and applauding] 665 00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:24,240 I know. 666 00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:32,040 I think that falls under the category of bad at relating. 667 00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:37,000 My worst breakup, uh, I did the breaking up, 668 00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:39,720 and it was really bad because it didn't take. 669 00:34:40,720 --> 00:34:45,360 [chuckles] I broke up with my girlfriend, and nothing happened. 670 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:49,200 Everything just remained exactly as it had. 671 00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:52,600 It was like reverse ghosting. It was very intense. 672 00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:57,920 I was so shocked, it took another week to have another crack. 673 00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:01,520 I said, "I don't want to be in this relationship," 674 00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:03,720 and she said, "Yeah, but I do." 675 00:35:03,720 --> 00:35:05,560 [audience laughing] 676 00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:08,120 I said, "I don't think it works like that." 677 00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:11,240 "I think we both have to be yeses, 678 00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,280 or it's a no." 679 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,080 "Like, it's a consent thing." 680 00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:20,200 And she said, "Yeah, how's that working out for you?" 681 00:35:20,720 --> 00:35:21,920 [mouthing] I know. 682 00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:27,160 Now, honestly, I don't remember how that relationship really ended. 683 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,200 I mean, I think we've broken up. 684 00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:35,680 But I don't have a lot of strong memories of that time of my life. 685 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:38,320 It was quite a long time ago, 20-odd years, 686 00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:40,720 and it wasn't a great time of my life. 687 00:35:40,720 --> 00:35:43,640 And the thing about shit things, shit life, 688 00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:45,840 is you're never having a shit life, 689 00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:48,440 and your brain's going, "Let's remember this." 690 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,880 "Let's hang onto this for a bit of nostalgia nom nom later." 691 00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:54,000 No. It's just memory soup in there. 692 00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:56,920 You just fucking chuck it in the back. Whatever. Right? 693 00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:58,520 It's memory soup, right? 694 00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:02,080 I only have one really clear memory of that relationship, 695 00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:04,560 and it works like a film trailer. 696 00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:08,280 You know when you watch a film trailer, and it's very busy, 697 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,200 and at the end of it, you're left with a lot of questions 698 00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:15,160 and absolutely no fucking desire to watch that piece of shit? 699 00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:17,440 That's how it works. 700 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:20,160 Now, what happened is we're driving very late at night. 701 00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:22,080 My girlfriend was driving. I wasn't. 702 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,320 That's how it works in cars. 703 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:25,320 And... 704 00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:29,600 I don't know where we were coming from or going to, 705 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:33,600 but it was a back road, very dark. Only lights were the headlights. 706 00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:35,640 It was unsealed, so very gravelly. 707 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:38,840 And she's a bit of a lead foot, so speeding, right? 708 00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:41,680 And then all of a sudden, she just slams on the brakes. 709 00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:45,440 And the truck's just fishtailing all over the road. It's terrifying. 710 00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:50,720 Then it just spun a full 360 around and then stopped in a cloud of dust. 711 00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:52,160 But she was out the door 712 00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,680 before it even registered that we'd stopped. 713 00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,040 And I had no idea what was happening. 714 00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,600 She's run around the front of the truck and bent down. 715 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:01,560 I couldn't see her. I'm like, "What's happening?" 716 00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:03,640 "What is happening?" 717 00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:05,720 And when she stood up, 718 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:10,280 she was holding a dead rabbit by the ears. 719 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,240 Yeah, all right. Just listen to yourselves there. 720 00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:17,680 That is the response of a lesbian-heavy audience. 721 00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:19,520 - [audience laughing] - Isn't it? 722 00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:23,120 A little rabbit gets hurt, and you're like, "The worst." 723 00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,480 And yet you seemed fine as I walked you step by step 724 00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:29,240 through a borderline abusive relationship. 725 00:37:29,240 --> 00:37:31,080 - [audience laughing] - There you are. 726 00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:38,240 Dead rabbit? [wails] 727 00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:44,880 Anyway, she's holding up the dead rabbit, and she's smiling. 728 00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:48,680 And I'm confused. I don't know what emotions I'm supposed to be having, 729 00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:53,160 but I don't think happiness would be top on the list. 730 00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:56,120 Right? And she's like, "It's a clean hit." 731 00:37:57,080 --> 00:38:00,440 I know. I'm like, "Were we playing a game, and I didn't know?" 732 00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:04,120 And she's like, "I'm gonna take it home for the dogs." 733 00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:06,080 I'm like, "Oh, no, fuck. Come on." 734 00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:10,200 And then she said the worst thing I've ever heard. 735 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:11,760 She said, 736 00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:14,680 "I think I'm gonna skin it now." 737 00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:15,840 [audience exclaiming] 738 00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:21,080 I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no, no. Why, why, why, why?" 739 00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:22,680 "How?" 740 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:25,400 And then I found out. 741 00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:31,920 She bent down again. I couldn't see her. I'm like, "What the fuck is happening?" 742 00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:34,680 And when she stands up, 743 00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:39,480 she's got the little bunny's ankle in her teeth. 744 00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,320 - [audience screaming] - Yeah, fucking shut up. 745 00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,840 You didn't have to kiss her later. 746 00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:44,840 [mouthing] I know. 747 00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:46,120 [audience exclaiming] 748 00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:48,080 She's like... 749 00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:50,640 [grunting] ...trying to get a bit of purchase. 750 00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:51,600 [grunts] 751 00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:53,880 You see it. You hear... [clicks tongue] 752 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:58,800 And then she just peels it. 753 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:02,320 Like, it is just one fluid movement. It's just like... 754 00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:03,560 [squelching sounds] 755 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:08,960 Like, it was the most incredible, fucked-up thing I've ever seen. 756 00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:12,160 It was like the shittest magic trick you could imagine. 757 00:39:13,240 --> 00:39:15,560 Because there's no sleight of hand. 758 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,000 You see everything, 759 00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:20,320 and yet it's still a trick. 760 00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:23,480 'Cause she's like, "I've got one rabbit." 761 00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:27,160 "Now I've got two." 762 00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,320 "One of them is red." 763 00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,040 [mouthing] I know. [speaking] I know. 764 00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,160 You wouldn't watch that film, would you? 765 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:38,280 That got a bit dark there. I'll give you that. 766 00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:41,400 That bit, that's the darkest this show will get, right? 767 00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:43,400 This is-- That's it. It's all light now. 768 00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:49,560 I met Jenno, which is a relief, 'cause otherwise-- 769 00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:52,760 This is a very elaborate catfishing show, isn't it? Um... 770 00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:55,960 But, no, I met her at a very strange time of my life. 771 00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:57,800 She was the on-the-ground producer 772 00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:01,480 of my off-Broadway run of Nanette back in the day. 773 00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:05,320 And, um, she was the first American I met off the plane, 774 00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,840 and apparently, I've just gone, "Yep, come on. You'll do." 775 00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:09,120 [audience laughing] 776 00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:10,880 No, no. I did flirt. I did flirt. 777 00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:12,400 I did this, "Hello, madam." 778 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:15,080 It's very... [laughs] ...very effective. 779 00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:18,400 And... but it was about six months. We met about six months 780 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:22,040 before the Netflix of it all completely turned my life upside down. 781 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:24,800 And I realize in hindsight that I didn't use those... 782 00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:26,920 those six months wisely, you know? 783 00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:29,080 I mostly napped, you know? 784 00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:31,760 I'm... I'm a slumberjack. What can I say? 785 00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:35,840 And I realize what I should have been doing in those six months is 786 00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:38,960 I should have been preparing for fame. 787 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:42,920 Um, you can't land cold on that shit like I did, 788 00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:45,640 'cause it fucks you up, and you fuck it up, right? 789 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,200 Honestly, you must prepare for fame. 790 00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:51,120 If you take anything away from this show, take that. 791 00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:53,320 Prepare for fame. Make sure you're prepared. 792 00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:55,080 Be prepared for fame. 793 00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:57,360 Don't worry about natural disasters. 794 00:40:57,360 --> 00:40:59,120 Don't. Just prepare for fame. 795 00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,640 Don't expect it. That's gross. But just... 796 00:41:01,640 --> 00:41:03,120 [audience laughing] 797 00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:05,720 On the off chance you find yourself famous, 798 00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:07,280 you'd better be prepared, 799 00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:11,320 because I wasn't, and I made a dog's breakfast of it. Absolutely. 800 00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:15,000 If I'd have been prepared for fame, when I met Ruby Rose, 801 00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:19,080 and she told me how amazing she thought I was, 802 00:41:19,080 --> 00:41:20,440 if I'd had been prepared, 803 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,200 I definitely wouldn't have laughed in her face. 804 00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,200 I don't know what I meant by it. It was not malicious. 805 00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:30,800 I just think I forgot she wasn't a picture. Do you know? 806 00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:35,320 [blows raspberries] "Why are you talking to me? Witchcraft!" 807 00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:39,080 If I'd have been prepared for fame, 808 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,480 when my path crossed with Jodie Foster... 809 00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:43,280 Yeah. 810 00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:48,440 No good. It's actually the second time my path crossed with Jodie Foster. 811 00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:52,120 And what happened was it just so happened to be my birthday. 812 00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:53,600 Now, I knew that. 813 00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:56,040 That's to be expected, no? 814 00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:58,000 What wasn't expected 815 00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,920 is that Jodie Foster also knew that it was my birthday. 816 00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:04,560 Right? Which is kind of cool until you zoom out, and it's a bit creepy. 817 00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:06,600 [audience laughing] 818 00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:08,960 But she arrived with a present for me. 819 00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:11,640 I know. 820 00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:17,000 I got a birthday present from Jodie fucking Foster. 821 00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:19,520 - [audience cheering and applauding] - I know! 822 00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:23,160 I know! 823 00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,440 Context clues. 824 00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:28,320 Not a good thing. 825 00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:32,120 I fucked it up, remember? [laughs] 826 00:42:32,120 --> 00:42:34,840 I got a birthday present, and it was a great one too. 827 00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:36,920 It was BANANAGRAMS. I fucking... 828 00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:38,520 That's a great present. 829 00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:40,840 Like, I love games. I love words. 830 00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:42,800 I love handy travel pouches. 831 00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,120 I love my potassium metaphorical. 832 00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:47,320 It's a gift that keeps on giving. 833 00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:51,240 And if I'd been prepared for fame, I would've received the gift 834 00:42:51,240 --> 00:42:54,760 and gone, "Why, thank you. That is very kind. You're most generous." 835 00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,760 "Are you next in line for queen?" 836 00:42:57,480 --> 00:42:58,440 Or something. 837 00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:01,480 But I wasn't prepared. 838 00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:02,880 Do you know what I said? 839 00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,240 "I've already got BANANAGRAMS." 840 00:43:05,240 --> 00:43:06,760 [audience laughing] 841 00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:10,200 I know. 842 00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:11,880 I know. 843 00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:18,200 It's like, "You're too late. Better luck next time." 844 00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:21,040 Would be the subtext. 845 00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:27,080 If I'd been prepared for fame, when I met Richard Curtis, 846 00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,320 I would've known who the fuck he was. 847 00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:31,400 [audience laughing] 848 00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:34,000 I would've known that he's the man responsible 849 00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:37,760 for romantic classics like Notting Hill and Love Actually. 850 00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,640 And so if I'd been prepared, 851 00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:44,000 when he asked me what my favorite romantic comedy was, 852 00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:47,600 I might have had a diplomatic answer. 853 00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:49,720 Maybe one of his films. 854 00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:52,080 But I wasn't prepared. Do you know what I said? 855 00:43:52,600 --> 00:43:54,760 "I don't like romantic comedies." 856 00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:57,400 [audience laughing] 857 00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:00,080 I know. 858 00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:04,680 Richard is very practiced at being famous. He was very gracious in that moment. 859 00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:08,440 He turned that conversation right around. Without batting an eyelid, 860 00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:12,400 he showed a clear pathway out of the awkwardness I had just created. 861 00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:15,840 A very clear pathway I did not take. 862 00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:18,000 [audience laughing] 863 00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:22,040 He said, "That's fine. Not everyone's cup of tea." 864 00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:26,040 "But what is it about romantic comedies that you don't like so much?" 865 00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:27,600 And I said, 866 00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:30,880 "I don't like the way the kissing sounds." 867 00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:32,360 [audience laughing] 868 00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,400 I-- I don't know why. 869 00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:38,800 Honestly, I-I don't-- 870 00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,000 Hindsight is not always 20/20. 871 00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:46,920 I look back at that, and I still don't know why I said that. 872 00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:55,760 The other complicating factor of my life when I first met Jenno 873 00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:59,720 is that I'd only just very recently been diagnosed autistic, right? 874 00:44:59,720 --> 00:45:02,680 And I was still very much working out what that meant for me. 875 00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:05,400 And to be clear, a lot of what that meant for me is 876 00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:08,040 I don't like the way the kissing sounds. 877 00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:12,120 But when Jenno and I met, 878 00:45:12,120 --> 00:45:15,480 I was on a very steep learning curve about where I was on the spectrum, 879 00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:17,200 and what ended up happening is 880 00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:19,520 as we worked together, we learned together, 881 00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:22,600 and that turned out to be quite the blessing for me. 882 00:45:23,120 --> 00:45:28,560 Because I need an outside eye, it turns out, 883 00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,920 because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing 884 00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:33,800 three-quarters of the time. 885 00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:39,160 Jenno and I will experience the same occasion, 886 00:45:39,680 --> 00:45:42,400 and then later on, we'll go home, and we'll debrief. 887 00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:45,400 And I will say, "This is what happened," 888 00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:49,160 and Jenno will say, "Where the fuck were you?" 889 00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:50,560 [audience laughing] 890 00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:54,280 [Hannah] I know. 891 00:45:55,160 --> 00:46:01,040 I'll give you a very good example. My senses are wired a little differently, 892 00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:04,600 and one of my quirks is I have incredibly sensitive palms. 893 00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:06,240 Uh, it's a bit of a nuisance. 894 00:46:06,240 --> 00:46:07,560 And what happens is 895 00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:10,840 when I'm holding something small and irregular-shaped, 896 00:46:10,840 --> 00:46:14,720 I can become very irritated and almost angry. 897 00:46:14,720 --> 00:46:17,440 That's why I can't sleep with men, actually. 898 00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:18,760 - No! - [audience laughing] 899 00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:20,320 No, no, no, no. 900 00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:25,760 It doesn't make any sense, but you went with it. 901 00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:28,720 I do like saying "small and irregular-shaped," though. 902 00:46:28,720 --> 00:46:30,520 That's fun. That's fun. 903 00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:33,280 Anyway, so I could be holding something small and irregular-shaped, 904 00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:36,320 and I get angry, and I have to not hold it very quickly. 905 00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:38,040 Right? I was like... and I'm like... Argh! 906 00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:39,040 [item clatters] 907 00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:44,560 And I say to Jenno, "I drop things a lot. I'm very clumsy." 908 00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:48,280 And she said, "Nah. You didn't drop that." 909 00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:51,760 "Look how far away it is." 910 00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:55,280 That really came to bear 911 00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:58,520 the first time my path crossed with Jodie Foster. 912 00:47:00,840 --> 00:47:04,560 What happened was, she came to see a show, and she came backstage for a chat later. 913 00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:05,680 What an honor. 914 00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:08,880 Right? And it was very good. We were having a chat, chat, chat. 915 00:47:08,880 --> 00:47:10,560 And during the course of the chat, 916 00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:15,120 she wrote her phone number on a scrap bit of cardboard for me. Right? 917 00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:16,320 And I took that, and-- 918 00:47:16,320 --> 00:47:19,640 Not like that, of course. It was professional. This is business. 919 00:47:20,160 --> 00:47:23,480 It's not... She wasn't... She's married. It's fine. 920 00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:26,600 Although, now I say that out loud, I can't be sure. 921 00:47:26,600 --> 00:47:28,680 - [audience laughing] - [Hannah chuckles] 922 00:47:30,080 --> 00:47:32,640 It's too late now anyway, isn't it? [chuckles] 923 00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,400 No, strictly professional. Wrote her number down. 924 00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:38,320 I think. 925 00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:40,320 And I took it, and we chat-chat-chat, 926 00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:42,440 and then I started screwing it up. 927 00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:45,320 Right? In front of her fucking face. 928 00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:47,720 Like, "Thanks for your number. That's what I think." 929 00:47:47,720 --> 00:47:49,320 I didn't know I was doing that. 930 00:47:49,320 --> 00:47:52,280 This came from Jenno's witness report from later. 931 00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:54,920 I was just in the zone. 932 00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:59,760 Right? And then I was screwing it up in front of her fucking face, 933 00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:02,520 and then I went to throw it away. 934 00:48:04,040 --> 00:48:06,480 In front of her fucking face. 935 00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:12,520 And then I felt my hand pull backwards, and I turn around. 936 00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:15,920 Jenno's there and said, "I'll take that, I'll file it in the backpack." 937 00:48:15,920 --> 00:48:17,600 - The... - [audience laughing] 938 00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:18,960 I know! 939 00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:21,640 [audience cheering and applauding] 940 00:48:21,640 --> 00:48:23,240 [Hannah] What a little ripper! 941 00:48:24,720 --> 00:48:27,120 Absolute champion. 942 00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:30,320 And that's pretty much how our relationship works. 943 00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:32,560 It's like curling. 944 00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:36,040 Yep, the adorable winter sport. 945 00:48:36,680 --> 00:48:38,160 I'm the giant puck. 946 00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:42,080 And every morning, we have a team meeting and go, 947 00:48:42,080 --> 00:48:44,480 "This is where you need to go today." 948 00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:47,840 "This is how fast you'll go. This is the line you'll take." 949 00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:50,400 "These are the things you might bump into on the way." 950 00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:52,040 And then we send me out, 951 00:48:52,040 --> 00:48:54,680 and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it. 952 00:48:55,520 --> 00:48:58,320 [audience laughing] 953 00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:01,960 And Jenno's out front just going... 954 00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:07,840 She works very hard. 955 00:49:09,040 --> 00:49:10,920 She works very hard. 956 00:49:10,920 --> 00:49:12,680 I worry a lot 957 00:49:12,680 --> 00:49:18,200 that the sweep-to-puck ratio is too one-sided in our relationship. 958 00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:20,120 I want to help Jenno. 959 00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:22,680 I wanna look after her like she looks after me. 960 00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:26,640 But the thing about Jenno is she's incredibly competent. 961 00:49:26,640 --> 00:49:28,440 At everything! 962 00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:30,720 And I'm not. 963 00:49:31,240 --> 00:49:32,800 Like, I'm good at this. 964 00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:34,640 I'm shit-hot at this. 965 00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:36,880 But the thing about this is 966 00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:39,600 this doesn't occur in the wild. 967 00:49:41,120 --> 00:49:43,400 This doesn't happen anywhere else. 968 00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:47,800 This only happens because Jenno produces it. 969 00:49:49,160 --> 00:49:50,880 [audience cheering and applauding] 970 00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:52,280 [Hannah] I think that's for you. 971 00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:57,800 Sometimes I try. 972 00:49:58,320 --> 00:50:02,240 Sometimes I try to sweep for Jenno. Right? I try to be the hero, 973 00:50:02,240 --> 00:50:05,240 and without fail, 974 00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:06,400 I fuck it up. 975 00:50:07,400 --> 00:50:11,120 But one time, the one time I tried to be the hero, 976 00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:12,800 and I still fucked it up, 977 00:50:13,320 --> 00:50:18,120 but I failed so spectacularly, like, so thoroughly, 978 00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:21,840 that I went full circle and gave success a nudge from behind. 979 00:50:22,560 --> 00:50:24,640 I did. It was incredible. 980 00:50:24,640 --> 00:50:28,120 It happened when we were out taking the dogs for a walk. Right? 981 00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:30,480 I've got a couple dogs. Taking them for a walk. 982 00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:34,080 And Jenno's right up in front. She's way ahead of me, right? 983 00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:37,000 And I... I'm a slow walker. Right? 984 00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:39,440 When we first started walking the dogs together, 985 00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:41,240 she would never leave my side 986 00:50:41,240 --> 00:50:44,360 because she was scared my dogs were gonna catch a rabbit. 987 00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:47,120 Um, and I had to go, "Look at my dogs." 988 00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:48,600 Like, they're-- 989 00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:51,960 It looks like the Swedish Chef fucked a sheep. 990 00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:54,120 Like, they go... [warbling] 991 00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:57,640 Like, my dogs are not catching a rabbit. 992 00:50:57,640 --> 00:50:59,840 I once saw my dogs chase a rabbit, 993 00:50:59,840 --> 00:51:02,400 and the rabbit got bored. 994 00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,520 Right? So eventually, like, she calmed down. 995 00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:09,040 She realized that my dogs are not catching a rabbit, 996 00:51:09,040 --> 00:51:12,320 and so she just started to go her own pace. 997 00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:15,920 And I-- I was way behind, right? 998 00:51:16,720 --> 00:51:20,200 Because I walk slow, but also because I had a problem to solve, 999 00:51:20,200 --> 00:51:23,200 and I can't walk and think at the same time. 1000 00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:25,880 It's part of the problematic gait situation. 1001 00:51:26,720 --> 00:51:27,760 We're on this walk. 1002 00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:30,520 I should give you a bit more context before I go on. 1003 00:51:30,520 --> 00:51:32,920 Jenno and I did a world tour together, 1004 00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:36,960 and then we came back to Australia for a bit of... [exaggerated enunciating] ...R&R. 1005 00:51:36,960 --> 00:51:39,120 - [audience laughing] - [in normal voice] I'm trying. 1006 00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:42,680 Um, Jenno was just gonna come for a couple of weeks, you know? 1007 00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:44,720 But that was March 2020. 1008 00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:48,000 Right? So what began for Jenno 1009 00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:51,960 as a fun little holiday in a strange new land with a new partner 1010 00:51:52,880 --> 00:51:56,680 very quickly turned into a hostage situation in the bush. 1011 00:51:57,600 --> 00:51:58,760 Right? 1012 00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:03,160 Now, by and large, we were fine during the pandemic. 1013 00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:06,680 You know, ups and downs, netball is for sluts, and all that. But... 1014 00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:11,400 But we just played a lot of games. Right? We both love playing games. 1015 00:52:11,400 --> 00:52:14,360 Not mind games, but just games. 1016 00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:17,440 I played my first-ever game of Guess Who? with Jenno. 1017 00:52:17,440 --> 00:52:20,840 That was a revelation. We didn't have Guess Who? growing up. 1018 00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:23,920 Too fancy. Too many moving parts. You know what I'm saying? 1019 00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:27,360 We were a backgammon family. Right? I fucking love backgammon. 1020 00:52:27,360 --> 00:52:28,960 That backgammon briefcase 1021 00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:31,840 is the fanciest piece of furniture in our house. 1022 00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:36,160 That two-toned brown pleather. Mm, yummy! 1023 00:52:36,160 --> 00:52:39,360 I love that backgammon briefcase. If no one was playing backgammon, 1024 00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:42,960 I'd be walking around the house with it, going, "I'm on business." 1025 00:52:42,960 --> 00:52:44,600 [audience laughing] 1026 00:52:44,600 --> 00:52:47,200 For one brief period of time, 1027 00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:49,600 I used it as my school bag. 1028 00:52:51,840 --> 00:52:54,800 "I'm not going to school. I'm on business." 1029 00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:57,640 Bullied? Absolutely. 1030 00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:00,720 But the beauty of me is I had no idea. 1031 00:53:01,640 --> 00:53:03,920 They were like, "Nice bag, fuckwit." 1032 00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:05,880 I'm like, "Thank you." 1033 00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:07,960 [audience laughing and applauding] 1034 00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:10,800 It got to the stage my brother had to pull me aside. He said, 1035 00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:14,200 "You can't take that to school anymore. I'm being bullied by proxy." 1036 00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,760 I said, "But I'm on business." "At home." 1037 00:53:20,880 --> 00:53:22,720 I'd never played Guess Who? before, 1038 00:53:22,720 --> 00:53:26,080 and Jenno very kindly offered to teach me, to tell me the rules, 1039 00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:28,400 and I very arrogantly said, "No need." 1040 00:53:29,200 --> 00:53:32,120 "I've seen the adverts. It's child's play." 1041 00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:35,960 This is my first question ever, 1042 00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:39,160 playing Guess Who? at age 42. 1043 00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:43,840 I said, "Okay, it's your first day at a new job." 1044 00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:48,760 I know, I know, I know. 1045 00:53:49,840 --> 00:53:50,760 Gets worse. 1046 00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:54,280 I said, "It's your first day at a new job, 1047 00:53:54,280 --> 00:53:56,360 and you're very overwhelmed. There's a lot to learn." 1048 00:53:56,360 --> 00:53:58,640 "You keep making mistakes. Everyone's being kind, 1049 00:53:58,640 --> 00:54:02,520 but you're not sure how long their generosity of spirit is going to last, 1050 00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:05,400 particularly because you keep getting their names wrong." 1051 00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:07,920 "It's morning tea time. You go to the break room, 1052 00:54:07,920 --> 00:54:11,400 you make yourself a cup of tea to gather your wits and calm down." 1053 00:54:11,400 --> 00:54:13,840 "Then your person walks in with that face." 1054 00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:15,520 "Do you want to slap them?" 1055 00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:16,960 [audience laughing] 1056 00:54:19,040 --> 00:54:19,920 I know. 1057 00:54:23,200 --> 00:54:24,400 To which Jenno said, 1058 00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:25,640 "No." 1059 00:54:26,560 --> 00:54:28,560 And, "Wow." 1060 00:54:29,720 --> 00:54:33,600 Then she said, "Look, Hannah, I don't think we read faces the same way." 1061 00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:38,520 "What is it about this face that you find so slappable?" 1062 00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:41,960 I said, "That's a great question. Thank you for asking." 1063 00:54:41,960 --> 00:54:43,800 And I looked again, and I'm like, 1064 00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:46,000 "Oh, yeah, actually quite a few have it." 1065 00:54:47,520 --> 00:54:48,440 "I've got it." 1066 00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:51,040 "Can you see their teeth?" 1067 00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:55,920 To which Jenno said, "Do you mean 1068 00:54:56,640 --> 00:54:58,200 are they smiling?" 1069 00:54:58,720 --> 00:55:00,720 [audience laughing] 1070 00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:05,720 I know. 1071 00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:10,360 It turns out I find friendliness threatening. 1072 00:55:11,880 --> 00:55:15,600 Now, that might have something to do with my autism. 1073 00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:17,880 But it might also have something to do 1074 00:55:17,880 --> 00:55:20,560 with those couple of years Mum had too big false teeth. 1075 00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:23,240 No? Nature-nurture. 1076 00:55:24,360 --> 00:55:25,600 We'll never unravel. 1077 00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:27,160 [chuckles] 1078 00:55:29,480 --> 00:55:33,280 So, I was fine during the pandemic. Thank you for asking. I... 1079 00:55:33,280 --> 00:55:35,160 'Cause I don't need a lot of human interaction 1080 00:55:35,160 --> 00:55:37,640 to keep my soul afloat. Right? 1081 00:55:37,640 --> 00:55:42,920 Um, but I am embarrassed to admit that it didn't occur to me 1082 00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:48,320 to consider that Jenno might be having a different experience 1083 00:55:48,840 --> 00:55:55,280 as an American in a foreign country, trapped during a global pandemic 1084 00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:59,280 in the bush, as I insisted on calling it. 1085 00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:02,560 Right? It just... it didn't occur to me 1086 00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:07,880 until one day I overheard her having a conversation with one of my dogs, 1087 00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:10,840 which should have been the red flag. 1088 00:56:12,200 --> 00:56:13,400 Somehow, it wasn't. 1089 00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:16,120 Right? She said, "Douglas, 1090 00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:19,480 I didn't have time for dogs before the pandemic." 1091 00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:21,160 "You are a lot of work." 1092 00:56:22,520 --> 00:56:24,720 "But now, you're my best friend." 1093 00:56:25,600 --> 00:56:26,600 I know. 1094 00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:28,480 Jasper was right there. 1095 00:56:29,440 --> 00:56:30,640 I know. 1096 00:56:32,880 --> 00:56:35,760 No. It's okay. He's a rescue. He knows his place. 1097 00:56:36,320 --> 00:56:38,320 - Oh, oh! - [audience laughing] 1098 00:56:38,320 --> 00:56:39,320 Oh-ho! 1099 00:56:39,320 --> 00:56:42,680 That's the edgiest joke you can do in front of a lesbian-heavy audience, 1100 00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:43,600 isn't it? 1101 00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:45,960 It's like punch down on a rescue animal. 1102 00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:47,040 Edgelord! 1103 00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:51,520 It's just jokes. I love him. He's my little rescue prince. Don't worry. 1104 00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:52,440 Anyway... 1105 00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:57,440 I heard that, though, and I... [chuckles] 1106 00:56:57,440 --> 00:57:00,920 I was a little, like, taken aback. 1107 00:57:00,920 --> 00:57:04,800 Right? I didn't like hearing that, because I'm Jenno's partner. 1108 00:57:06,760 --> 00:57:08,200 I'm her employer. 1109 00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:10,520 [audience laughing] 1110 00:57:11,280 --> 00:57:13,720 Then I find out during the course of that conversation 1111 00:57:13,720 --> 00:57:16,160 that I also own her best friend. 1112 00:57:17,080 --> 00:57:23,080 And I'm like, "Aw, that's not great. I don't like this balance of power." 1113 00:57:23,080 --> 00:57:25,600 So I... I decided right there and then, 1114 00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:30,960 I said, "It is my job to help Jenno connect to the community." 1115 00:57:30,960 --> 00:57:35,640 Right? And so later that afternoon, we're out walking the dogs, 1116 00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:40,120 and Jenno's way up ahead with her best friend Douglas. Right? 1117 00:57:40,640 --> 00:57:42,680 And I'm-- I'm way back here, 1118 00:57:42,680 --> 00:57:47,200 almost at a standstill, 'cause it's a hard problem. Right? 1119 00:57:47,200 --> 00:57:49,880 The idea that I could help anybody socially 1120 00:57:49,880 --> 00:57:51,360 is a fucking joke. 1121 00:57:53,040 --> 00:57:56,680 I didn't solve it this day. I don't want you to think that's where we're heading. 1122 00:57:56,680 --> 00:57:58,160 I did not solve this issue. 1123 00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:02,000 I solved it six months later. I did. Quite by accident. 1124 00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:05,480 It was during that time, you know, when in between variants. 1125 00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:09,560 You know, that little perineum of time, you know, when we... [chuckles] 1126 00:58:10,200 --> 00:58:11,720 ...when we thought it was over? 1127 00:58:11,720 --> 00:58:14,000 And then it's like, "Omicron." You know? 1128 00:58:14,000 --> 00:58:16,080 And I was at the supermarket, 1129 00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:18,560 and I saw a poster for the local football team, 1130 00:58:18,560 --> 00:58:20,240 and I thought, "That's it." 1131 00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:24,520 "What a great way for an American to connect to small-town Australia 1132 00:58:25,040 --> 00:58:27,560 than play a sport she's never even seen?" 1133 00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:30,880 I took the poster home and said, 1134 00:58:30,880 --> 00:58:33,200 "You should join the local women's football team." 1135 00:58:33,200 --> 00:58:35,400 And she said, "You took the poster." 1136 00:58:38,680 --> 00:58:41,960 And I said, "Yep, yep. Facts, information." 1137 00:58:42,480 --> 00:58:45,640 And she said, "Do you reckon anyone else might want that information?" 1138 00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:49,520 And I'm like, "I don't know. I don't know how teams work." 1139 00:58:50,880 --> 00:58:53,600 But she did join the team, the Tigers. 1140 00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,560 You know what their club motto is? 1141 00:58:55,560 --> 00:58:57,640 "How dare we fail?" 1142 00:58:59,000 --> 00:59:01,400 We don't even know what tense that's in. 1143 00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:02,800 [audience laughing] 1144 00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:06,080 Do you say it before a game, or do you say it after the game? 1145 00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:11,760 Is that motivational, or is it shaming, or is it a genius mix of the two? 1146 00:59:11,760 --> 00:59:13,040 I don't know. 1147 00:59:14,520 --> 00:59:15,600 It's brilliant. 1148 00:59:15,600 --> 00:59:17,640 [audience applauding] 1149 00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:24,200 She came home from her first training session full of stories. 1150 00:59:24,720 --> 00:59:25,560 Full of stories. 1151 00:59:25,560 --> 00:59:27,640 I said, "How'd you go?" And she said, 1152 00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:30,080 "They don't call it football." 1153 00:59:30,080 --> 00:59:31,400 "They call it footy." 1154 00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:34,760 "And you're not allowed to throw the footyball." 1155 00:59:35,320 --> 00:59:37,480 "But you're allowed to slap it to a friend." 1156 00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:40,760 Then she said, "I like tackling, I love tackling, 1157 00:59:40,760 --> 00:59:43,720 but you gotta let go... as soon as you hear the whistle, you gotta let go." 1158 00:59:43,720 --> 00:59:45,880 "Otherwise, you give away a 50-meter penalty." 1159 00:59:45,880 --> 00:59:48,840 "I don't know how far 50 meters is, so that's irrelevant to me." 1160 00:59:49,760 --> 00:59:53,600 "I counted seven redheads on that team. That seems like a lot." 1161 00:59:53,600 --> 00:59:56,160 "Although three of them insisted they were strawberry blonde, 1162 00:59:56,160 --> 00:59:57,800 but I don't believe that." 1163 00:59:59,400 --> 01:00:00,360 "This is anecdotal, 1164 01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:03,040 but only 40% of the team seemed to know who you are." 1165 01:00:03,040 --> 01:00:06,080 "The other 60% would rather talk about potatoes." 1166 01:00:06,920 --> 01:00:09,160 As I sat there listening to Jenno's story, 1167 01:00:09,160 --> 01:00:12,600 I realized what it is about Jenno's stories 1168 01:00:13,440 --> 01:00:14,880 that I love so much. 1169 01:00:14,880 --> 01:00:18,640 Because what you have there is not a story. 1170 01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:21,600 What that is 1171 01:00:21,600 --> 01:00:23,760 is a list of facts. 1172 01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:27,240 Because I've married my fucking father. 1173 01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:30,160 [audience laughing] 1174 01:00:30,160 --> 01:00:31,320 Absolutely. 1175 01:00:35,160 --> 01:00:37,800 And unlike my mum, I'm there for it. 1176 01:00:37,800 --> 01:00:41,760 I fucking love it. Like, I am there for it. I love-- 1177 01:00:41,760 --> 01:00:45,520 She collects such great facts. Right? 1178 01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:48,120 Most of them are relevant. Some are a bit left-field. 1179 01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:52,040 Others are totally obscure but then become relevant later. 1180 01:00:52,040 --> 01:00:55,120 She's excellent. But it's not just the facts she collects. 1181 01:00:55,120 --> 01:00:57,200 It's how she stacks the facts. 1182 01:00:57,720 --> 01:00:59,480 She's like a fact Brâncuşi. 1183 01:00:59,480 --> 01:01:02,120 Because you think you're going somewhere, 1184 01:01:02,120 --> 01:01:04,800 and then she gets to the end of it, and you're like, "Nah." 1185 01:01:04,800 --> 01:01:06,840 [audience laughing] 1186 01:01:07,440 --> 01:01:09,280 It's just a list of facts. 1187 01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:13,360 I love it, because I don't get to collect facts like that 1188 01:01:13,360 --> 01:01:14,600 in new situations. 1189 01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:17,520 If I go into a new environment, I'm not collecting facts. 1190 01:01:18,280 --> 01:01:21,960 I'm absorbing everything, like, absorbing it all, 1191 01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:25,000 and I'm not filing it away. I just get soggy. 1192 01:01:25,000 --> 01:01:28,240 Right? I get soggy and overwhelmed, and then I have to go home, 1193 01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:32,160 and I squeeze myself out and just go, "What the fuck just happened?" 1194 01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:34,360 "And why are there so many teeth?" 1195 01:01:34,360 --> 01:01:36,440 [audience laughing] 1196 01:01:36,440 --> 01:01:38,800 But since being with Jenno, I'm getting more confident, 1197 01:01:38,800 --> 01:01:41,200 because I know if we're together in a new situation, 1198 01:01:41,200 --> 01:01:44,320 she's collecting the facts, and I can make sense later. 1199 01:01:44,320 --> 01:01:45,280 It's really great. 1200 01:01:45,280 --> 01:01:48,720 So I really wanted her to go back and get more facts. 1201 01:01:49,560 --> 01:01:52,960 I said, "You gotta go back to training." She said, "I sprained my finger." 1202 01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,360 And I said, "How dare we fail?" 1203 01:01:55,360 --> 01:01:57,800 [audience laughing] 1204 01:02:01,480 --> 01:02:05,280 So she came back, and she said, "It is a dangerous sport, Hannah." 1205 01:02:05,280 --> 01:02:07,320 "The captain was out last year with a knee injury." 1206 01:02:07,320 --> 01:02:08,760 "She was injured during a game." 1207 01:02:08,760 --> 01:02:12,080 "Caz was also out with a knee injury, but she wasn't injured during a game." 1208 01:02:12,080 --> 01:02:13,960 "She was run over by a cow." 1209 01:02:13,960 --> 01:02:15,400 [audience laughing] 1210 01:02:15,400 --> 01:02:18,400 "Which was not, as I first thought, a euphemism." 1211 01:02:19,440 --> 01:02:22,400 "Then there's Shaz, right? She can't train at the moment, 1212 01:02:22,400 --> 01:02:26,480 'cause she's gotta wait for the stutter to sort itself out after the concussion." 1213 01:02:26,480 --> 01:02:28,120 "But she came to--" I know. 1214 01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:30,960 "She came to training anyway and stood on the boundary line." 1215 01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:33,280 "I think she's what you would call a tradie 1216 01:02:33,280 --> 01:02:36,360 because she was wearing a lot of what you would call high vis, 1217 01:02:36,360 --> 01:02:38,400 and she had a hat with a tractor on it." 1218 01:02:38,400 --> 01:02:40,720 "And she was smoking a durry, which is not drugs." 1219 01:02:40,720 --> 01:02:42,520 "It's a ciggy, which is a cigarette." 1220 01:02:42,520 --> 01:02:45,600 "And she was drinking beer out of a tin, which is called a tinny." 1221 01:02:47,040 --> 01:02:49,800 "Now, her name's Shannon, but they call her Shaz." 1222 01:02:50,800 --> 01:02:53,200 "They call Laura 'Lauz.' They call Terry 'Tez.'" 1223 01:02:53,200 --> 01:02:55,760 "And when they say 'sorry,' they say 'soz.'" 1224 01:02:56,960 --> 01:03:01,360 "And when I heard Kaz say they called the ambo for Shaz, 1225 01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:06,440 I'm like, 'I've got it. I've got it. I know what you do with words.'" 1226 01:03:07,760 --> 01:03:10,120 "I know what you people do with words." 1227 01:03:10,120 --> 01:03:14,800 "You take a perfectly good noun. You chop it off at the nearest consonant." 1228 01:03:14,800 --> 01:03:17,440 "You get rid of the rest. You tack on a Zed or an O." 1229 01:03:17,440 --> 01:03:19,000 "That is what you do." 1230 01:03:20,160 --> 01:03:21,040 I know. 1231 01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:22,840 [audience cheering and applauding] 1232 01:03:22,840 --> 01:03:24,920 And I said, "Yeah, 1233 01:03:26,080 --> 01:03:27,520 Jenno." 1234 01:03:27,520 --> 01:03:29,160 [audience laughing] 1235 01:03:29,160 --> 01:03:30,720 And she said... 1236 01:03:32,240 --> 01:03:33,240 "Oh." 1237 01:03:33,240 --> 01:03:35,160 [audience laughing] 1238 01:03:36,320 --> 01:03:38,600 "Oh, I thought that was special to me." 1239 01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:43,400 And I said, "No." 1240 01:03:43,400 --> 01:03:45,400 [audience laughing] 1241 01:03:45,400 --> 01:03:48,080 "My brother calls his wife Jenno." 1242 01:03:49,200 --> 01:03:50,720 "It's Beno and Jenno." 1243 01:03:50,720 --> 01:03:53,040 "I've already got BANANAGRAMS." 1244 01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:55,240 I just... 1245 01:03:56,240 --> 01:03:58,640 I do learn lessons. 1246 01:03:58,640 --> 01:04:02,080 I do, but they're very specific. 1247 01:04:02,960 --> 01:04:07,920 You know, if Jodie Foster were to give me BANANAGRAMS for my birthday again, 1248 01:04:07,920 --> 01:04:09,760 I will know what to do. 1249 01:04:11,400 --> 01:04:14,280 But if Tom Cruise gave me Guess Who? for Christmas, 1250 01:04:14,280 --> 01:04:16,840 I'd probably slap that toothy menace. 1251 01:04:17,960 --> 01:04:19,960 [audience laughing and applauding] 1252 01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:21,840 [Hannah giggles] 1253 01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:25,480 Anyway, that was six months later. 1254 01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:29,920 Six months earlier, I'm still-- I'm trying to solve that problem. 1255 01:04:29,920 --> 01:04:32,160 Jenno is way ahead with her best friend Douglas. 1256 01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:35,440 I'm dawdling. Jasper is in the bushes rabble-rousing, right? 1257 01:04:35,440 --> 01:04:38,000 And he ends up flushing out a little rabbit, 1258 01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:40,560 and it hops on the path in front of me. 1259 01:04:41,080 --> 01:04:44,480 And it stops, looks up at me, and I look down at it. 1260 01:04:45,000 --> 01:04:47,840 It's just a magical little moment. 1261 01:04:47,840 --> 01:04:50,000 It felt like just the two of us. 1262 01:04:50,520 --> 01:04:53,840 I'm like, "Oh, my God. I'm Snow White." 1263 01:04:57,720 --> 01:04:59,400 And then I clock it. 1264 01:04:59,400 --> 01:05:01,280 I'm like, "Oh, no." 1265 01:05:01,280 --> 01:05:04,000 "You don't have the fear, mate, do you?" 1266 01:05:04,000 --> 01:05:05,640 He's like, "I sure don't." 1267 01:05:06,480 --> 01:05:08,560 "I'm diseased." [laughs] 1268 01:05:08,560 --> 01:05:10,120 I know. Rotting eyeballs. 1269 01:05:10,120 --> 01:05:13,640 And I'm like, "Not today. I don't think today is the day 1270 01:05:13,640 --> 01:05:15,840 we want my dogs catching their first rabbit, 1271 01:05:15,840 --> 01:05:16,920 and it's diseased, 1272 01:05:16,920 --> 01:05:19,840 and Jenno is homesick, and I've only just found out." 1273 01:05:21,080 --> 01:05:24,680 And I'm not proud of this, but I just gave it a bit of a toe poke 1274 01:05:25,360 --> 01:05:26,640 to get it off the path. 1275 01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:29,080 It tumbled down the clover under some shrubbery. 1276 01:05:29,080 --> 01:05:30,720 I'm like, "Great. I nailed that." 1277 01:05:30,720 --> 01:05:33,880 I look up. Jenno hasn't seen it, and I'm like, "Yes." 1278 01:05:34,880 --> 01:05:36,240 But Jasper has, 1279 01:05:36,840 --> 01:05:40,640 and he comes tearing out, and he's like, "I'm gonna get my first rabbit." 1280 01:05:40,640 --> 01:05:42,520 'Cause he's a feral fucker. I love him. 1281 01:05:42,520 --> 01:05:45,600 He's like, "I'm gonna get..." And I'm like, "Not on my watch." 1282 01:05:45,600 --> 01:05:47,840 And now, I didn't kick him. 1283 01:05:48,520 --> 01:05:50,080 I didn't kick him. 1284 01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:52,880 My leg was entirely still. 1285 01:05:53,400 --> 01:05:55,360 He made a decision. 1286 01:05:55,360 --> 01:05:57,160 [audience laughing] 1287 01:05:57,160 --> 01:06:01,800 Let's be clear on that. He made a decision to run into my leg, 1288 01:06:01,800 --> 01:06:05,520 and he made that decision very hard and very fast. 1289 01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:08,920 And as soon as he hit my leg, I've just gone... [swishes air, grunts] 1290 01:06:08,920 --> 01:06:09,840 ...on the ground. 1291 01:06:09,840 --> 01:06:12,520 I just grabbed the scruff of his collar in time. 1292 01:06:13,040 --> 01:06:14,680 And I'm like, "Phew!" 1293 01:06:14,680 --> 01:06:16,080 And then I look up. 1294 01:06:16,800 --> 01:06:19,640 And I see that Jenno has turned around, 1295 01:06:19,640 --> 01:06:21,320 and she has seen that. 1296 01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:24,280 She didn't see the rabbit. 1297 01:06:24,880 --> 01:06:27,760 She just saw me pick a fight with my dog. 1298 01:06:28,520 --> 01:06:29,720 And lose. 1299 01:06:30,640 --> 01:06:34,560 So she comes running back and said, "Why did you just kick your dog?" 1300 01:06:35,080 --> 01:06:37,120 And I said, "It was a rabbit situation." 1301 01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:41,400 "And technically, I didn't kick him. It was more of a coathanger, and..." 1302 01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:44,040 And she said, "What's a coathanger?" 1303 01:06:44,040 --> 01:06:46,160 This was before she played footyball. 1304 01:06:46,160 --> 01:06:48,560 And she said, "What's a coathanger?" 1305 01:06:48,560 --> 01:06:51,840 And then she's like, "Oh, my God. A bunny." 1306 01:06:52,560 --> 01:06:55,280 The fucking rabbit didn't know it was unsafe, 1307 01:06:56,040 --> 01:06:57,800 so he didn't know he was safe, 1308 01:06:57,800 --> 01:07:00,480 so he just came back out on the fucking path. 1309 01:07:00,480 --> 01:07:03,440 Just going, "All right, bit of a din. What's going on here?" 1310 01:07:03,440 --> 01:07:05,120 "Can I help? You need help?" 1311 01:07:05,720 --> 01:07:09,920 And I could tell Jenno wants to touch the bunny with her hands, 1312 01:07:09,920 --> 01:07:13,360 and Jasper wants to touch the bunny with his mouth teeth. 1313 01:07:13,920 --> 01:07:15,000 Right? 1314 01:07:15,000 --> 01:07:17,840 And what happens next happened very quickly, 1315 01:07:17,840 --> 01:07:20,280 but I'm gonna walk you through it. 1316 01:07:20,280 --> 01:07:23,400 And I'm going to begin with my intention, 1317 01:07:24,960 --> 01:07:26,680 because it won't be clear. 1318 01:07:28,240 --> 01:07:31,040 What I wanted to do was get my jacket 1319 01:07:31,040 --> 01:07:33,040 and then pop it over the rabbit. 1320 01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,800 Bit of... bit of coat cocoon. 1321 01:07:36,320 --> 01:07:38,400 And then just pick it up, scoop it up, 1322 01:07:38,400 --> 01:07:41,320 take it to the vet to outsource the slaughter. 1323 01:07:41,320 --> 01:07:44,840 Right? It was distressed. It was diseased. It was on its way out. 1324 01:07:44,840 --> 01:07:48,360 I was-- I'm the hero. All right? I'm the hero. Just remember that. 1325 01:07:48,360 --> 01:07:50,240 That's your mantra. I'm the hero. 1326 01:07:50,240 --> 01:07:52,120 Maybe I am the man one. 1327 01:07:52,120 --> 01:07:53,040 Um... 1328 01:07:54,880 --> 01:07:56,720 Anyway, all right. 1329 01:07:56,720 --> 01:07:59,920 So what happened was I had Jasper by the scruff of his neck. 1330 01:08:00,520 --> 01:08:03,480 I had to get to the rabbit, but I had to give myself a head start, 1331 01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:06,840 because Jasper's got four legs, and he's good at them. 1332 01:08:06,840 --> 01:08:09,840 I've only got the two, and we've established, not great. 1333 01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:13,080 So I gave myself a head start 1334 01:08:13,080 --> 01:08:15,680 by throwing him away. 1335 01:08:15,680 --> 01:08:17,240 [audience laughing] 1336 01:08:17,240 --> 01:08:18,280 I know. 1337 01:08:18,280 --> 01:08:21,520 But it wasn't just like, "Off you go, mate. You go over there." 1338 01:08:22,040 --> 01:08:25,800 No, no, no. I went full Soviet discus thrower. 1339 01:08:26,480 --> 01:08:28,320 Like, straight out of the '80s. 1340 01:08:28,320 --> 01:08:31,520 Roided up out of nowhere, I'm like... [grunts] 1341 01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:34,040 [audience laughing] 1342 01:08:35,480 --> 01:08:38,280 I'm watching Jasper. He's flying through the air going, 1343 01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:41,840 "As soon as I hit the ground, I'm back. I'm gonna get that rabbit." 1344 01:08:42,360 --> 01:08:46,960 And I turn around, and I'm trying to get to the rabbit, 1345 01:08:46,960 --> 01:08:49,880 and then out of fucking nowhere, 1346 01:08:49,880 --> 01:08:54,760 Douglas decides today is the day he's gonna be a real dog. 1347 01:08:55,840 --> 01:08:58,440 And he comes from fucking nowhere 1348 01:08:59,200 --> 01:09:02,640 and just... [growls] ...puts that rabbit in a death grip. 1349 01:09:02,640 --> 01:09:05,240 I know. In front of his best friend. 1350 01:09:05,240 --> 01:09:06,200 I know. 1351 01:09:06,800 --> 01:09:09,720 So I did the only thing I knew how to do. 1352 01:09:10,880 --> 01:09:16,720 "Get out of there, you bloody mongrel! Go on with you! Drop it! Drop it!" 1353 01:09:16,720 --> 01:09:18,800 [audience laughing and applauding] 1354 01:09:21,520 --> 01:09:22,680 He's a good dog. 1355 01:09:23,600 --> 01:09:24,560 He's gone... Blech. 1356 01:09:25,640 --> 01:09:28,240 But Jenno and both dogs have started going, 1357 01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:31,240 "Who the fuck are you?" 1358 01:09:31,240 --> 01:09:33,000 And the rabbit is not dead. 1359 01:09:33,600 --> 01:09:35,800 I know. But it's got the fear now. 1360 01:09:36,320 --> 01:09:38,400 And it starts screaming. 1361 01:09:38,400 --> 01:09:41,280 I don't know if you've heard a rabbit scream. It's not great. 1362 01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:44,040 Watership Down is not a children's film. 1363 01:09:44,840 --> 01:09:46,080 It's bullshit. 1364 01:09:46,080 --> 01:09:47,440 So it starts going... [squeaks] 1365 01:09:47,440 --> 01:09:50,600 You know there's no end to this story where I don't kill a rabbit. 1366 01:09:51,320 --> 01:09:54,440 You know I have to kill the rabbit. It's the humane thing to do. 1367 01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:56,960 It's deeply distressed. It's gonna die soon. 1368 01:09:56,960 --> 01:09:58,760 It needed to die sooner for the... 1369 01:09:58,760 --> 01:10:00,520 I'm the hero, I'm the hero. Okay. 1370 01:10:02,440 --> 01:10:03,760 I even knew how I was gonna do it. 1371 01:10:03,760 --> 01:10:07,720 There was a log. I was gonna pick it up, squash the rabbit. Stamp it out. 1372 01:10:08,240 --> 01:10:09,080 I'm the hero. 1373 01:10:09,080 --> 01:10:11,240 But I didn't wanna do it in front of Jenno. 1374 01:10:11,240 --> 01:10:12,840 I felt like she'd seen enough. 1375 01:10:13,800 --> 01:10:15,440 So I sent her on an errand. 1376 01:10:16,560 --> 01:10:18,880 I said, "I need a stick." 1377 01:10:18,880 --> 01:10:22,320 I didn't need a stick. But I knew if I asked for something, 1378 01:10:22,320 --> 01:10:25,400 Jenno would put her producer hat on and say, "I will produce." 1379 01:10:25,400 --> 01:10:27,560 Right? So she ran off. I'm like, "Yes!" 1380 01:10:27,560 --> 01:10:29,040 So I picked up the log. 1381 01:10:29,560 --> 01:10:31,480 Now, the thing about Jenno is 1382 01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:33,560 she's very efficient. 1383 01:10:33,560 --> 01:10:35,640 [audience laughing] 1384 01:10:36,200 --> 01:10:37,240 And I'm not. 1385 01:10:39,240 --> 01:10:42,440 So she comes back at the worst possible time. 1386 01:10:43,560 --> 01:10:45,160 Because I was here. 1387 01:10:48,440 --> 01:10:53,480 Right? And even if I didn't wanna drop it on the bunny, I couldn't have stopped it. 1388 01:10:54,000 --> 01:10:58,160 Like, momentum and gravity had taken over by the time I saw her. 1389 01:10:58,160 --> 01:11:00,160 And when I did, I turned around, 1390 01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:04,680 and for the first time in my fucking life, 1391 01:11:04,680 --> 01:11:07,760 I have given extended eye contact 1392 01:11:09,520 --> 01:11:11,080 to another human being. 1393 01:11:11,080 --> 01:11:12,400 [audience laughing] 1394 01:11:12,400 --> 01:11:13,320 I know. 1395 01:11:14,200 --> 01:11:15,320 Just... 1396 01:11:16,240 --> 01:11:18,320 Eyeballed her. And I'm like... 1397 01:11:20,360 --> 01:11:21,200 [grunts] 1398 01:11:21,200 --> 01:11:22,800 [audience laughing] 1399 01:11:22,800 --> 01:11:25,680 And by then, I was in the zone, 1400 01:11:26,400 --> 01:11:30,320 which meant I had to make sure the rabbit was dead, apparently. 1401 01:11:30,320 --> 01:11:34,240 So, without breaking eye contact, I started to go... 1402 01:11:34,240 --> 01:11:35,240 [grunts] 1403 01:11:37,280 --> 01:11:38,440 [makes clicking sound] 1404 01:11:39,360 --> 01:11:43,640 And then I calmed down. I looked at Jenno, and even I could read her face. 1405 01:11:44,520 --> 01:11:47,720 [chuckles] It was sad, distressed probably. 1406 01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:52,520 And I looked at that, and I'm like, "Oh, no." 1407 01:11:53,720 --> 01:11:55,400 "I've been there." 1408 01:11:57,520 --> 01:12:01,480 "I've been trapped in a relationship with a bunny killer." 1409 01:12:01,480 --> 01:12:04,560 [audience laughing and applauding] 1410 01:12:05,240 --> 01:12:06,600 I didn't want that. 1411 01:12:08,520 --> 01:12:11,080 I did not want that for Jenno. 1412 01:12:12,640 --> 01:12:14,560 So I tried to fix it. 1413 01:12:14,560 --> 01:12:17,920 I said, "It was diseased. I put it out of its misery. I'm the hero." 1414 01:12:17,920 --> 01:12:21,960 "It had myxomatosis. We call it myxo, 'cause we're fun with words." 1415 01:12:22,600 --> 01:12:26,200 "It was an introduced disease. 'Cause colonialism was never a good idea." 1416 01:12:26,200 --> 01:12:29,560 "If you need to go back to America, you should. I don't want you to go, 1417 01:12:29,560 --> 01:12:31,600 but you must miss your family and friends." 1418 01:12:31,600 --> 01:12:34,200 "We can hold up. We don't know how long this will last." 1419 01:12:34,200 --> 01:12:37,480 "We're strong. Zoom's fine. It's awful, but we'll cope." 1420 01:12:37,480 --> 01:12:40,320 "What do you need me to do? What should I do?" 1421 01:12:40,320 --> 01:12:43,560 "What am I supposed to do? What's the right thing for me to do?" 1422 01:12:43,560 --> 01:12:46,040 "What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?" 1423 01:12:46,040 --> 01:12:47,360 And she said, "Stop." 1424 01:12:48,400 --> 01:12:49,680 "Don't panic." 1425 01:12:51,160 --> 01:12:52,680 "Who do you wanna be?" 1426 01:12:52,680 --> 01:12:54,560 [audience laughing] 1427 01:12:58,200 --> 01:12:59,600 "Your wife." 1428 01:13:01,400 --> 01:13:02,880 Thank you. 1429 01:13:02,880 --> 01:13:05,240 [audience cheering and applauding] 1430 01:13:05,240 --> 01:13:07,920 ["Don't Leave Me This Way" by The Communards playing] 1431 01:13:09,040 --> 01:13:13,080 ♪ I can't survive, I can't stay alive ♪ 1432 01:13:13,080 --> 01:13:16,720 ♪ Without your love, no, oh, baby ♪ 1433 01:13:17,320 --> 01:13:21,720 ♪ Don't leave me this way ♪ 1434 01:13:21,720 --> 01:13:23,800 ♪ I can't exist ♪ 1435 01:13:23,800 --> 01:13:28,280 ♪ I would surely miss your tender kiss ♪ 1436 01:13:28,280 --> 01:13:31,680 ♪ So don't leave me this way ♪ 1437 01:13:31,680 --> 01:13:34,560 ♪ Ah, baby! ♪ 1438 01:13:35,240 --> 01:13:38,200 ♪ My heart is full of love And desire for you ♪ 1439 01:13:38,720 --> 01:13:42,040 ♪ So come on down and do What you gotta do ♪ 1440 01:13:42,560 --> 01:13:46,000 ♪ You started this fire down in my soul ♪ 1441 01:13:46,000 --> 01:13:49,400 {\an8}♪ Now can't you see It's burning out of control ♪ 1442 01:13:49,880 --> 01:13:52,680 ♪ So come on down And satisfy the need in me ♪ 1443 01:13:53,360 --> 01:13:59,200 ♪ 'Cause only your good lovin' Can set me free ♪ 1444 01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:02,400 {\an8}♪ Don't, don't you leave me this way... ♪