( music playing )
Shatner: In the year 2023,
12 celebrities embarked on an unprecedented experiment.
Their mission, to find out if they could survive life on mars.
Where my space blaster at?
( laughing ) yeah!
They've all come here to prove they have what it takes to survive in space.
But only one will make it to the end,
And earn the title of the brightest star in the galaxy.
To prepare, we've created a simulation,
A 24-day experiment which will test which celebrities are the strongest...
Try me, alien.
...The brightest...
Hello. Why don't we have all hands on deck? There we go.
- Hey, that's a good job. - ( cheering )
...The bravest...
Bye, motherfungus!
...And when the food runs out...
They're not feeding us.
...Who can handle the stress.
The mental side of this is torture.
We can't vote based off who we love having here.
Most will falter...
Unfortunately, one of you has to go.
...And be extracted from the simulation.
- Fire! - ( alarm blaring )
Oh, my god! There's a fire!
Emergency!
( screaming )
- It's an alien! - Oh, my god!
You gotta move faster than that.
Jog, jog, jog!
- ( radio chatter ) - oh, my god.
Come on, come on! We gotta go, we gotta go, we gotta go, we gotta go!
- Go, go! - Go, go, go, go, go!
This gonna be tough. This is gonna be tough.
I'm getting right in the damn ( bleep ).
( retches )
Come on, come on, come on!
This is "stars on mars."
Lance: I know when I was a kid,
You know, you sort of look out into the sky and space,
And you see planets and stars, and you could say,
What would it be like to live on another planet?
Are there other forms of life?
Ronda: I was honestly inspired to be part of this experiment
Because I'm such a big space nerd.
I love stuff like this.
And it's too late for me to become an astronaut,
So this is the closest I'll ever get.
Tinashe: This will be a true challenge.
I mean, I standing here, full glam,
In an astronaut outfit.
How often do you get a chance to be on mars?
Computer: Habitat system activated.
Life support online.
Incoming astronaut.
Oh, my.
( grunts )
Holy hell.
Computer: Welcome to the habitat.
( grunts )
It is now safe to remove your helmet.
( grunts )
I've been walking for miles. I'm parched.
( sighs )
Scanning. Christopher mintz-plasse.
This looks incredible.
A lot of money put into this.
Hello, chris.
Hi.
Enter the decontamination zone.
- Push. - Oh, nice.
There you go.
Whew.
Holy cow.
Decontamination in three, two, one.
Oh, god!
Holy hell.
Okay.
Hello?
People still recognize me as mclovin,
The character I played in "superbad,"
Which I have heard screamed at me
For the last 16 years of my life.
Welcome to your celebrity hab.
Wow.
Your home throughout this mars isolation experiment.
Oh, my god.
It includes the command center for emergencies and missions,
Living quarters,
The gymnasium for mandatory fitness,
The bio dome for your nutritional needs...
This is beautiful.
...Male and female sleeping quarters...
We are bunking.
...A dining room,
And a fully equipped state of the art kitchen.
If this isn't drinkable, tell me now.
Computer: It's poison.
Correction. It is not poison.
- ( laughs ) - ( alarm blaring )
Incoming astronaut.
Who's ready to party like it's sol one on mars?
( imitating airlock hissing )
Who's it gonna be?
Computer: It is now safe to remove your helmet.
Tilda swinton?
Timothy "shamberlays"?
Decontaminating.
( fanfare )
Chris: Nice.
Welcome, ronda rousey, champion fighter.
I don't know what we got ourselves into, my friend.
- All right, this is gonna be you. - Oh, yay.
- We're locker buddies. - ( grunts, sighs )
- Space is not great for my hair. - ( alarm blaring )
- Incoming astronaut. - Who do you think it's gonna be?
I want matt damon.
( fanfare )
( music stops )
Matt damon unavailable.
Welcome tom schwartz.
- Friends. Hi! Humans. - Hi.
Is there a hal here? Is there an ai thing the we can--
Hello, tom, star of "vanderpump rules,"
Currently known for scandoval.
- ( laughing ) - that's perfect.
So I chose to do this little "stars on mars" experiment.
Maybe ironically, I needed a break from reality. Specifically my reality.
Our show's actually kind of a derivative of the "housewives."
It's "vanderpump rules."
It's people who all work in a restaurant...
I've heard of this show.
- ...Have sex with each other. - Jeez.
We're not doing that here, I don't think.
Computer: Detecting multiple targets.
Incoming astronaut.
Welcome to the habitat, tallulah willis,
Daughter of bruce and demi.
Scanning.
Adam rippon, olympic figure skater.
This bag is heavy as hell.
Scanning.
Porsha williams guobadia,
Real housewife.
If I can walk around atlanta,
I can walk around on mars.
Try me, alien.
Welcome to the habitat, tinashe,
R&b recording artist.
It is now safe to remove your helmet.
- I'm stuck. You guys? - Please remove your helmet.
Okay.
Finally.
Scanning.
Ariel winter, award-winning actor
From "modern family."
I am comfortable playing other characters,
Not playing myself.
Because the world is harsh, you know?
And people, their comments are harsh.
I'm scared of doing this show for that reason.
When I have to just be myself, it's an incredible challenge.
- Welcome to mars. - Thank you.
( music playing )
Yeah.
We gonna hit someone 'round here.
Hey, you was whipping that thing!
- You know what I mean? - Yeah, you know what I mean?
They let black people on mars?
Computer: Decontamination in three, two...
- No! - ...One.
- There it is. - Aah!
- ( laughing ) - aww.
- Yeah! - Scanning.
Marshawn lynch and richard sherman,
Teammates and nfl legends.
- What up? - Yes!
It makes it a lot of easier to have a friend with you
Because you're on mars.
Like, there's nothing familiar about any of this.
- This for sure like jail. - ( laughter )
Yeah, the sleeping arrangements on mars, nasty as ( bleep ).
I ain't gonna lie, my cell was bigger than this.
- Are y'all gonna be able to fit in the bed? - I don't know.
( fanfare )
Computer: It is now safe to remove your helmet.
- Dude. - Wait a minute.
- That's, uh-- - yes.
- Is it lance? - It's lance armstrong.
Yes!
Scanning. Lance armstrong.
Cyclist.
( cheering )
- Welcome! - Ay!
- How are you? - What's up, man?
- Wow, this is exciting. - How are you? Lance.
- Nice to meet you. - Hello! Ariel.
- Hi, how are you? - Nice to meet you.
Lance armstrong is a real freaking astronaut.
He is a real astronaut.
He is lance armstrong. You need to google him.
You need to know everything about him because he is so cool.
The fact we have an astronaut is so crazy.
- You said what? - I'm so confused.
Like, is he gonna end up being our judge?
What the hell are you doing here, man?
- The moon wasn't enough, you know what I mean? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's probably 20-year-olds out there
That get me confused with neil armstrong.
If I were neil armstrong, I'd be dead.
I'd prefer to be lance armstrong at this point.
Chris: Yeah, it was a movie called "superbad."
One of my favorite movies of all time.
- Oh, thanks, dude. - Yeah.
I'm a little starstruck, I gotta be honest.
"superbad" may be the best movie of its kind.
And that was one of your first movies, wasn't it?
- That was first movie. - Your literal first movie?
I'm not gonna say what his name is in the movie
Because I'm sure he's so sick of that
And I'm sure he still gets it everywhere he goes.
Marshawn: Hey, mclovin.
I grew up on him as mclovin, so I'm gonna call him mclovin.
Computer: Attention.
Incoming message from mission control.
Incoming message! Guys!
Stand by for rules briefing with mission director shatner.
Hello, mars crew.
- Hey! - Hey, he's here!
( cheering )
Look at all of you. So excited.
How's it going so far?
- Great. - Awesome.
Good. It's good.
Just kidding. I can't hear you.
There's currently a 17-minute delay
Between your base and me on earth in mission control.
Chris: It is mind-blowing to see william shatner.
He is the original space boy.
It's pretty surreal to have him a part of this experiment.
You have to listen to me very closely.
There are not enough rations for everyone.
Those not critical to the mars simulation will be extracted.
Mm-mm.
Sent home every 48 hours.
The most powerful role on your crew
Will be the base commander.
They're in charge.
They will assign tasks and duties around the hab.
And when emergency strikes, and it will,
They'll lead you on missions necessary for your survival.
Crucially, your base commander will help to determine
Who is or isn't mission critical.
You must choose your base commander for the first 48 hours now.
Choose wisely. The hopes of celebrities everywhere rests on your shoulders.
Celebrities.
- He looks amazing for his age. - He really does.
Computer: You have two minutes to select your base commander.
Your base commander will be your leader for the next two days.
Who-- does anybody want to be the commander?
Right now I think everybody's just figuring out their footing
And we're shaping each other up
Just to see how are we best gonna work together?
Did anyone wanna be the first base commander? Absolutely not.
- No, no, no-- - I elect--
- Yes. The next two days. - Two days?
- You got it, champ. - I-- no.
It's gonna be really awkward if I fail.
You never think about failing. You only think about succeeding.
My biggest fear is failure.
- What about lance? - No, I'm going outside.
( muted chatter )
Computer: The base commander will have exclusive use
Of their own sleeping quarters.
( cheers and applause )
- Shawn, you're base commander. - I don't know how to delegate.
Shawn's base commander. Perfect.
- Okay, shawn. - ( cheering )
- Really? - Let's go, champ.
Marshawn: Being the base commander,
I get my own little luxury sleeping situation,
So I'm good with that.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
Commander, your first mission starts now.
There is a 12th crew member
Trapped in a pod with dwindling oxygen.
Choose two crew members.
Their mission is to rescue your stranded crewmate.
Aww. Like, damn.
I guess it's time to take care of business.
So, look, this is what's up.
Lance and ronda, I need y'all to partner up.
They couldn't land their ( bleep ) correctly,
And we gotta go rescue 'em.
I'm gonna need y'all to go and get 'em,
You feel what I'm talking about?
- ( alarm blaring ) - ( all shouting )
Oxygen levels in the stranded pod are critical.
Deploy your rescue team immediately.
All right, get 'em dressed. Get 'em dressed.
Suit 'em up!
Good job, adam. Good. There you go, baby.
Marshawn: We gotta send a team out there.
It might be a beyoncé.
Computer: Base commander marshawn,
Lance and ronda are out rescuing your 12th crew member.
You must establish communications with them
To find out their status.
No, no, no. You need to-- there you go. Here.
This ( bleep ) wanted to hear espn.
Did you hack the system?
Espn is not available in your region.
Comms established.
- Oh, oh. Excuse me. - Are y'all okay?
- Hey, lance. - Oh, my god.
Marshawn, are you there?
Why do they look like that?
Oh, my god, no.
- I don't want this close to my face. - That's real close!
- Oh, it's about to be this close for us. - Marshawn: Hey, lance.
- Marshawn. - Hey, can you hear me, bro?
- I just wanna make sure you're behaving. - Ay.
I think we go through here, right?
Oh, my god. It looks like mars.
Is that what it looks like outside right now?
- Lance: There we go. - There she is.
- Looky here. - It's an alien!
Hey.
Oh, wait, there's a person. There's a person!
Oh, ( bleep ).
- Slide down. - Slide.
- ( gasps ) - she's still alive!
( cheering )
- Who is it? - Ronda: Get her other hand. Get her other hand.
- Natasha! - Who?
Leggero. She's a comedian.
- Petey? - Comedian.
What did you think I said, a "pedian?"
- ( indistinct chatter ) - ( cheering )
- ( chatter continues ) - I got the team!
Welcome to the hab natasha leggero, "pedian."
- ( cheering ) - natasha: Thank you.
The skills I'm bringing to mars-- let's see here.
I can cook a chicken.
- Tasha? I'm tom. Nice to meet you. - Yes. Hi, tom.
Computer: Mission successful.
All crew are now safely contained.
You are 140 million miles from earth.
Marshawn, you can find today's base duties
On the base commander console.
You must assign them to your crew.
You are responsible for maintaining
Your ration inventory.
All right, so look, porsha and tallulah,
What y'all gotta do is y'all gotta count and categorize the food and rations.
Okay, we can do that.
There will be no resupply.
You must maintain the bio dome crops.
Chris and sherm, y'all gonna have to go do the same ( bleep ) with the plants.
- Gotcha, gotcha. - You feel me?
You experience 66.2% less gravity on mars.
You must maintain fitness
To prevent bone and muscle loss in this experiment.
To conclude this, I am iyd commander,
And if y'all need me, just give me a "hootie-hoo"
- Or a "ye," and I will be-- - like a...
- All: Hootie-hoo! - Ye!
Marshawn is base commander? Okay. Y'all play too much.
Because how is he gonna get all of us into formation
When he's never in formation?
Base commander...
...Reporting for duty.
( music playing )
Marshawn: The benefit to being a base commander
Is I got my own little bed, got my own little bathroom.
I can dig it.
( sighs )
Computer: Marshawn, as base commander,
You must oversee the base duties.
Marshawn.
- Okay, what is that? - Ten cornflakes.
Ten cornflakes.
When you first walk in the kitchen,
It's like, "yeah, it's got a kitchen! Got everything!"
No! We don't have a stove. We don't have an air fryer.
And we have a lot of food that is air-sealed in bags.
So, one, two, three.
Which one did you just take that from?
- And so this-- - let's not count that.
( music playing )
( snoring )
Five, six. This sucks. Eight.
Richard: We don't have enough rations
To last as long as we need them to last,
So it's really cool that we're growing stuff.
Chris: Two tangerine trees.
At home, I've been known to kill all my plants,
So that was a very rough start for me.
But ya gotta do the mundane tasks to survive on mars.
Tell us what you think these are.
- Um, olives. - Mm.
- Ah-ah. Okay. - Mm-hmm.
- Here, I'll get them. - Thank you. I cannot reach that.
So marshawn has given me and adam the task
- Of polishing the patches. - Whoa!
We hate to see it, you know?
I'm assuming that the patches
Are something that people in this simulation
Might earn on a mission.
- I actually love cleaning and organizing so much. - Me, too!
Do you like folding things?
Yes, I love folding my laundry.
- I love it. - It's awesome.
- All of my things are in beautiful-- - same.
- Yeah, okay. - Same. I love this for us.
- Yeah. - I love this for us.
Computer: Crew, report for sol one mandatory fitness.
You really call yourself an athlete?
Shut up.
No--
Cycling is a-- that's an athletic thing?
You know, my sporting career started 30 years ago,
And so some folks might know me from that.
They might know me from having just lived a very complicated public life.
But I come from an endurance sport,
And to me, this entire endeavor, that's all about endurance.
- How long is that race? - Three weeks.
Yeah, I'm thinking you're gonna say, like, 50 miles.
You know what the average length of a football play is
From the time they say, "down, set, hut,"
To the time the ref blows the whistle?
- Seven seconds. - Seven seconds.
Who's the ( bleep ) athlete now?
Man, just 'cause you ride a ( bleep ) bike
For three weeks, like, how athletic is this?
- Shatner: Coming up... - ( alarm blaring )
- Emergency! - Okay, look, y'all gotta listen.
If we don't hurry up, we gonna miss the orbit.
I'm standing here in a wind storm.
Time is of the assess-- of the, uh, essence.
The name of game, someone has to go home.
Are you guys ready to see who is mission critical?
Marshawn: Nah, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Can I get y'all for a second? - Yes.
All right, what's up?
This was our first day on mars.
Richard: I cannot believe I'm here.
I'm in a spacesuit on mars led by marshawn.
The job is well done on the first day for the tasks,
So give y'all self a round of applause.
I will say we did a good job. We came together. You feel me?
We was able to accomplish some ( bleep ).
And then we got sherman and chris.
They took care of the plants and the farms and all that ( bleep ).
- We got 14 blueberry plants in there, guys. - 18 olives.
Chris: Marshawn is a wildcard.
You don't know what he's gonna say. He's an incredible commander.
I think you did a good job, iyd.
- What's iyd? - I'm your daddy. Ay.
How am I supposed to be the comedian with you around?
I think we're all still trying to read each other out,
And we're trying to figure out what are the strengths,
What are the weakness of everyone?
How are we best gonna work together?
Which is gonna be really important the longer that we stay here.
Ariel: I work out maybe, like,
I'm gonna say 50 times a whole year.
- So, you know-- - hey, that's a lot.
Previous experiments have failed because people socially and mentally crack,
And I feel like the social aspect
Is more important than anything
Because as human beings,
That's kind of our strength and our weakness.
Tallulah, your parents are these amazing people
That have achieved all these amazing things.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Do you have any advice for me for my daughter?
- Oh, my gosh. - How to help her through that experience
Or how that affected you?
Yeah, I mean, I grew up in idaho.
And I knew my parents had this job
That made them this thing, and we got to do cool stuff,
But I didn't fully understand.
The only thing that I knew about tallulah coming in here
Was she has two extremely famous parents--
Demi moore and bruce willis,
And tallulah is the quintessential nepo baby.
So, yeah, she should own it.
It was, like, 2003.
My mom had just started dating ashton.
It was that moment. There was a lot going on.
And I really went inside of myself.
And that did send me into a total dumpster fire.
It was really hard, and I'm still unpacking.
However, I found the other side of that,
Which is I really love myself now...
- As you should. - ...And my family.
Yeah, and I love my family.
There's not a lot of people that deal with that.
So she's one of the ones I was, you know, more concerned about
And someone I was thinking of like, oh, my god,
We need to make sure she's taken care of.
Are you married?
Uh-huh. I have a five-year-old.
Aww! I have a four-year-old.
You do? Isn't that the cutest age?
Yes! Oh, my god.
Natasha: I think friendship is the most important thing,
So I was connecting with porsha because I think that
She and I have a similar--
You know, our kids are the same age.
And you have one daughter and then two stepsons?
No, my husband has five kids.
- Oh, wow. Oh, my god. - Is that your ring? Damn.
- Yeah. - It's insane.
- That's a space rock right there. - Thank you.
I would raise five stepkids for that ring, sure.
Lance: How many super bowl wins you got?
I only got one.
- Just one? What? - One loss, one win.
Lance: I think it's important to make friends here.
The first question is who wants to be here till the end?
Marshawn is one of the toughest humans on the planet.
He's certainly not in any hurry to leave.
Now, going back to something very serious.
- Can I borrow your bathroom? - Hell, naw.
Please! I don't know that I can go in the public thing.
I'm a little weirded out by being in a bunk room
With six other dudes and sharing a bathroom and sharing showers.
But time is of the essence.
Nah, you can't ( bleep ) in there, brother.
- 100%? - 100,000.
All right, I'll be right back.
He still moves well.
Marshawn: Look like he eating lima beans and ( bleep ) like that,
So there will not be no ( bleep ) lima bean
( bleep ) in my bathroom.
So I just realized I made a huge mistake.
- So who did you think he was? - Neil armstrong.
- I'm not kidding. - Oh, yeah. Foot in mouth syndrome?
- She thought he was an actual astronaut. - I mean, it's funny.
That was part of my fear coming on the show
Was I was gonna say something stupid,
And I literally-- like, I outdid myself.
Don't take yourself too seriously.
- Good night, honey. - Good night.
Commander signing off.
( laughs )
Good night, lance.
So far, I don't think we've really started to test ourselves, right?
Living in a confined space for weeks on end,
I think that's where this thing will start to unravel.
Natasha: You know, I really have no idea what's in store for me,
But, I mean, what could really prepare you for mars?
I don't know.
( alarm blaring )
Emergency!
Shatner: Coming up...
- Whoa. - Oh, my god.
The solar winds, man. This is crazy!
I think a lot of us would have died if this was really mars.
- I can't muscle it. - Aah!
Computer: All crew, report to the command center.
- Emergency! - Like astronauts on mars,
You will deal with constant emergencies.
- Wake up! - Richard: Come on, shawn! Emergency!
- Emergency! - Here we go.
- ( yawns ) - here we go.
- Hello, mars crew. - Guys, it's shatty daddy.
We have an emergency.
A fierce martian dust storm is headed your way
And has already knocked over
The communication satellite tower.
If you fail today, earth will be destroyed.
Huh?
I read that wrong.
Your link between mars and earth will be destroyed.
Still a pretty big deal.
This mission will test your leadership skills
And will earn you a mission patch.
- Whoo! - Whoa!
The badges.
I'm downloading all of the information
For your base commander now.
Tallulah is your mission specialist.
- Ah! - This is an important role,
As the mission specialist is safe from extraction.
- Tallulah? - Oh!
Good luck, and remember, if you need anything at all,
Anything, you're completely on your own.
- ( laughter ) - ( cheering )
We got your back!
I got chosen for mission specialist,
Which is very exciting.
Computer: Base commander and mission specialist,
Remain at mission control.
Crew, prepare for deployment.
- Let's get it! - Energy!
I know there's gonna be a lot of ( bleep ) going on.
So if we get to a point where it's too much,
Don't be afraid to let me know and I'll jump in there.
- Okay. - But just remember,
At the end of the day, all things fall back on me...
Let's save this satellite.
...And I feel right now I'm gonna be a reflection of you.
So make us both look good.
We are going to support our crew getting that tower back up,
And in emergencies, we rally.
- One, two, three. - Iyd!
- There we go. - ( cheering )
Going out there to kick martian ass.
- This door? - Hey, louis armstrong!
I got your back, boy!
( laughs )
Tallulah: Can you guys hear me?
- Yep. - Yeah.
Okay, so here's the mission brief.
We need our crew to find three satellite dishes
And two antenna pieces
And then successfully put back up
The fallen comms tower
Before the communication window closes
And the mars orbiter misses the ecliptic plane.
Copy that.
Adam: I'm panicked out of my mind,
But we also know that the name of the game
Is that someone has to go home.
Chris: I'm very nervous I'm not gonna be able to carry my weight.
This is not gonna go well.
- Let's go. - Here we go.
Wow.
- Whoa. - Oh, my god.
Natasha: I'm having a hard time
Doing anything other than, you know, breathing.
So I don't really think I would make it as an astronaut.
Okay, so can we have lance, ronda, and ariel
Try to find the two rovers
And turn the lights on to illuminate the area?
- Ariel: Got it. - Here's the rover.
- Hey! Ariel! - Oh, good. All right.
So the rest of the crew, you're gonna start to look
For all the broken satellite components
And the antennas to the tower.
Please note that there are three satellite dishes
And two antennas to repair.
- I got an antenna. - Who is this talking?
I'm gonna need you to identify yourself, gangsta.
Look! Right here, right here!
I don't know who the hell designed this,
But this is really realistic.
It was pitch black and there was, like, wind.
Then I realized I couldn't breathe, that it was sand.
I'm definitely adding astronaut to my bio on instagram.
We found the other one!
- Nice! - Yes.
I've located a satellite dish.
- Is that tinashe? - Yeah.
You think we attach this on the other side?
- Yellow parts for here. Yellow. - This way, this way.
I've never been to mars. I don't know what's going on here.
This is not what I signed up for.
- I thought we had two of them. - I can't hear you, chris.
Remember, that's three satellites.
All right, we're almost there. Hold it. Is it straight?
Almost there.
We did it! We got this one!
Computer: Antenna one attached.
All right, let's do the second one.
- Marshawn: Hey, sherm. - What up?
How many people is it actually gonna take
To get that one satellite put together?
I can't hear you, shawn, when everybody's talking.
It's chaos. Everybody's talking at the same time,
And communication is critical.
And I think marshawn kinda dropped the ball on that.
We got it. All right, we got two up.
You got it? Okay, there you go.
All right, I'm attaching satellite one!
I got it.
Hey, look, we got three minutes left.
That's good.
Okay, look, y'all gotta listen. Y'all gotta listen.
- Y'all gotta listen. Y'all gotta listen. - What happened to that one?
♪ does anyone regret coming to mars? ♪
It's tough walking in these spacesuits
And you're having dust blow everywhere.
You can't see a thing. It was just a mess.
Hey, tom, is you all right, tom?
- Can I just get a confirmation from tom that he's okay? - You're alive, bro.
Tallulah, I'm listening.
- Okay, there you go. - Okay, okay. Come on, my guy.
You gotta just give us a little something here.
- Here's a cable. - All right, it's on. It's on. It's good.
Computer: All components attached.
Phase one complete.
- Whoo! - There you go.
Natasha: I was really just trying to stay out of everyone's way
Hanging out in the loser area with, you know, chris and adam.
The solar winds, man.
This is crazy.
Yeah, I think a lot of us would have died
If this was really mars up there.
Hey, look, I'm gonna tell y'all you something,
But I'ma need y'all to keep y'all composure.
If we don't hurry up, we gonna miss the orbit, and we cannot miss the orbit.
Computer: Two minutes remaining before satellite link fails.
You gonna physically lift the tower with the winch and gauges.
Do you know what a winch is?
If it's anything like a wrench, then we are--
- You can get there? We're good to go? - Yeah.
- Where is the winch? - What are we looking for?
I'm looking for where to secure the winch.
- What? - The winch.
- Where is the winch? - It's a ring.
Marshawn: The winch is at the rover.
Ariel: Copy. I got it.
Ariel, you're doing so amazing.
I got it.
Marshawn: You got it? Okay, there you go.
Is that enough slack?
- A little more! Two more feet! - More slack.
Me and tom are trying to connect these two clips.
- One more foot! Seven inches! - Almost!
- We're so close! - Oh, so close! Almost there!
We're literally inches away.
Oh, it's moving! It's moving!
- ( both grunting ) - wait, I need another inch.
- I can't muscle it. - Marshawn: Time is running out.
- ( groans ) - stay calm.
Tom: Wait, I need another inch.
Computer: Crew, you have one minute
To raise the communications tower
And connect to the incoming satellite.
- I can't muscle it. - Yeah, it's--
I got-- oh, oh! We're good! We're good!
- We're good! - We got it!
- There you go. Good job. - Whoo!
Tom: Me and tinashe had that sistine chapel moment,
And that was the final act in order to raise the tower.
- That was some beast mode ( bleep ). - Beast mode!
- There you go, baby. - Are we pulling the winch or are we pushing the tower?
You're gonna physically lift the tower with the winch and gauges.
Lift this?
What the-- what are you talking about?
How are we supposed to lift the tower?
- Let's get it! - Wait, we're not going to lift it yet.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! - Hey, shawn. Hey, shawn.
You have to tell us what to do.
We need to know if we're lifting.
Make sure you don't put yourself in a compromising position.
- All right, all right, let me get on it. - Where do I go?
Everybody got they spot?
All right, ariel, activate the winch.
Ariel: All right, I'm doing it now.
Marshawn: Get it, ariel.
Computer: Winch enabled.
- Start lifting. - Here we go.
- Here we go! - 30 seconds remaining.
Marshawn: All right, that's looking good.
Tinashe: I was under that thing pushing with all my might
- To try to get it up. - Push it forward.
- Marshawn: There you go. - You got it, guys. Let's go!
- You almost there. - Come on!
- Heave! - Ho.
Tallulah: It's gonna turn green at the top,
And then that's when we reestablish contact.
Computer: Nine, eight, seven...
- We need a screw. - Yeah!
- Whoo! - ( cheering )
- Marshawn: All right. - Yeah! Amazing!
Marshawn: Hey, that's a good job.
( cheering )
You guys, that was so beautiful to see how you all came together
Under these really intense circumstances.
- Chris: You did it! That was incredible! - Yeah!
- So proud of you all. - Chris: Thank you, tallulah.
Tallulah, you should be a motivational speaker.
- Whoo! - Ay, ay.
That's what I'm saying. I was pleased to have you as my copilot.
It was an honor to serve with you.
We did it!
Tom: So just knowing tonight
That someone's gonna be extracted, there's gonna be an elimination,
It really puts a damper on what should be
A celebratory climactic moment.
- ( music playing ) - we made it!
( cheering )
- That was absolutely insane. - Crazy.
Ugh, that tested everybody.
- We are trauma bonded now. - Yeah.
- Oh, we are! - Computer: Incoming message from mission control.
Great work, crew. The mission was a success.
Oh, shatty daddy!
It's time for a tough decision.
One of your crewmates must be extracted.
Who will be the first to exit the simulation?
Good luck. Transmission over.
Computer: Base commander, you must decide
Which three people were the least mission critical.
- Damn. - Are you kidding?
As far as individuals who was mission critical,
You know, porsha was engaged in the things that were going on.
Yeah, and ariel felt like she was very mission critical.
Marshawn: Oh, she was very mission critical.
And then you have the individuals
Who had to reach out a couple of times
And we wasn't getting a response back.
- Let's do it. - For sure.
( buzzer )
Marshawn: Hey, family, what's going on?
All: Ay!
Y'all did a hell of a job out there on the mission.
It was all worth it to hear that.
Right on, right on, right on. But now we get to the hard part.
So this is who was mission critical.
Who was mission critical? Um, besides myself.
So I will need porsha.
- You're mission critical. - ( overlapping chatter )
- Porsha! - Big crit.
- Yes, porsha! - Critical!
Porsha, you looking dirty as hell, girl.
Whoo!
- Do you want your patch? - Yes, yes!
- Congratulations. - Thank you!
Computer: Leadership patch acquired.
Okay, next I will be needing ronda.
- ( cheering ) - let's go! Legend!
Ronda: As an athlete, I'm competitive.
And so if anybody is going to thrive
In this kind of environment, I feel like it's me.
- Marshawn: Miss ariel. - Yep.
- Yeah! - Ariel: Definitely wanna stay,
But that mission was absolutely chaotic.
Here's your leadership badge.
A badge! Yes!
You look like a little oompa loompa.
Miss natasha. Critical.
- Oh! - ( laughter )
- That is not mission critical. - You wanna take it back?
And then next, mr. Louis, aka lance.
- Yes, sir, lance! - You are mission critical, young fella.
Come on, og. Damn.
Boy, you done got you a tan out there, huh?
Here's your leadership patch, sir, and congratulations.
Thank you so much.
Boy, pick that long ass head up, boy.
- Richard! - ( cheering )
- Tinashe, come and step on through. - ( cheering continues )
- Group huddle. - Oh, boys!
It was three frail little white men, dude.
Look, family, we got a decision to make.
As a collective, we'll come together and figure out who was not mission critical.
We got tom, we got adam, and we have chris.
And then I'm guessing that'll be the individual
Who will take a long walk off a short bridge.
- Let's stay huddled together. - Unbelievable.
Good luck.
Now look, family, we got a decision to make.
Out of these three, who was mission critical?
Tom, chris, and adam, step through.
The walk of shame.
Computer: Enter the decontamination zone.
♪ it's the walk of shame
- Marshawn: Chris. - Huh?
We need to know why you were mission critical.
I'm getting emotional.
There was 11 of you on that field.
I was doing a favor by stepping out of the way.
There was already too many people involved.
It was chaotic. It was chaos.
- All right? - I didn't communicate with chris.
I don't know what he was doing during the mission.
He knew that he was a liability, and he took himself out of the equation.
Marshawn: Right. Gotcha, gotcha. Adam?
Well, I think I'm critical
Because I'm one of the hottest people here.
- Period. - I think that's important
For any kind of challenge that we do here.
That's being honest. I think that's being honest.
- He's right. - That's true. That's true.
That's true.
Adam was kind of with me
'cause we didn't really know what to do.
We were kind of trying to pretend we were helping.
But we really were not helping.
Tom.
You know how when people are under great duress,
Like a woman sees her child under a car
And they get superhuman strength?
For one moment, I had superhuman strength.
- That is-- - I got-- oh, we're good!
- We're good! We're good! - We got it!
- Marshawn: There you go. Good job. - We got it.
Tom was mission critical. He was picking up things.
- He was definitely in the game. - Any negatives?
- Not on tom. - All right.
- Mission critical. - Tom.
- You were mission critical. - Hey, I don't wanna leave without you guys.
- I know. We love you. - I love you, too.
- And you are very hot. - Hottest one here.
( cheering )
- Ah, I missed you guys. - Yeah, tom!
I was on the chopping block, but I'm the best of the worst.
So that's something, you know? That's something.
Marshawn: So we got chris and we got adam.
- They're making this really dramatic. - I know!
- So I call him in? - Yes, call him in.
- It's a unanimous decision. - Yeah.
- The family has spoken. - Do we hold hands, man?
Marshawn: Adam, you are mission critical. Come on through.
( cheering )
Moving forward, we just have to assume
Things are gonna go awry and go wrong,
But I'm grateful to be here for another day.
Computer: Chris, this means you are not mission critical
And must leave the hab immediately.
( voice breaking ) find me on instagram.
- All right? - All: Yes!
All: We love you, chris!
Chris: That was a short trip to mars.
Whoo!
I am not ready for mars.
I personally don't think any of these stars
Are ready for mars, uh, except for maybe ronda rousey.
She could take an alien, for sure.
When you got a commander and your commander is commanding you,
If only y'all just stop talking and listen.
No, if only y'all stop talking.
It's like when you was telling pete.
You was like, "ay, pete, if you just go weak, we'll score a touchdown."
- But this is-- - and he, like, run strong into the overlap.
I'm the commander.
Richard: The difference between you and me
Is I'm standing here in a wind storm.
- Look... - ( chatter fades )
Shatner: This season on "stars on mars"...
You guys are ( bleep ) walking! Run your ass!
- You're gonna die! - Oh, my god.
- You are killing me. - Oh, my god, you guys.
Come on! What are you doing?
What's our battle cry again?
( snoring )
Yeah, I'm a little bit upset.
I've pissed off way too many people.
No, no, no. Take this off.
- The water's getting out. - Take this off.
- Oh! - Whoa!
If y'all vote me out, I'm going kicking and screaming. I swear to god.