1
00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:51,782
[PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

2
00:00:51,782 --> 00:00:52,866
MAN: <i>All right, Chevy.</i>

3
00:00:53,784 --> 00:00:55,827
WOMAN: <i>Chevy,
you're very handsome.</i>

4
00:00:55,827 --> 00:00:57,579
- CHEVY: <i>Stop it.</i>
- <i>How did you become so funny?</i>

5
00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:58,705
CHEVY: <i>What was the first part?</i>

6
00:00:58,705 --> 00:00:59,790
[LAUGHTER]

7
00:00:59,790 --> 00:01:02,250
WOMAN: <i>Lorne said if I just
stared into the camera,</i>

8
00:01:02,250 --> 00:01:03,919
<i>that'd take a lot of guts.</i>

9
00:01:05,128 --> 00:01:06,838
[WOMAN LAUGHING]

10
00:01:06,838 --> 00:01:10,759
<i>"There were bells on the hill,
but I never heard them ringing."</i>

11
00:01:12,552 --> 00:01:13,804
MAN: <i>Action, Laraine.</i>

12
00:01:21,353 --> 00:01:22,354
<i>Hi.</i>

13
00:01:22,354 --> 00:01:23,396
[LAUGHTER]

14
00:01:23,396 --> 00:01:25,232
Did I spell your name right?

15
00:01:28,026 --> 00:01:30,362
<i>I'm Garrett Morris talking
to all you white Americans...</i>

16
00:01:30,487 --> 00:01:33,031
<i>about the way Black people
have been treated in America.</i>

17
00:01:33,490 --> 00:01:36,576
<i>Now, I know a lot of you
feel guilty, and you should.</i>

18
00:01:36,576 --> 00:01:37,494
[LAUGHTER]

19
00:01:38,954 --> 00:01:41,873
<i>You see, um,
having a catheter...</i>

20
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,959
<i>a lot of people
think it's funny.</i>

21
00:01:44,125 --> 00:01:46,753
<i>And they like to see me dance.</i>

22
00:01:46,753 --> 00:01:48,338
[LAUGHTER]

23
00:01:48,547 --> 00:01:52,259
<i>Now, I look up, and I see it
coming down now, real quick...</i>

24
00:01:52,425 --> 00:01:53,718
<i>and I see discs.</i>

25
00:01:53,885 --> 00:01:55,095
<i>Whirlin' discs!</i>

26
00:01:56,012 --> 00:01:57,055
<i>- Really?</i>
- <i>All right.</i>

27
00:01:57,222 --> 00:01:58,515
<i>Radney?</i>

28
00:01:58,682 --> 00:02:00,559
<i>I'm not gonna talk about... No.</i>

29
00:02:01,017 --> 00:02:03,019
DAN: <i>Whirlin'. Whirlin' around,
whirlin' around.</i>

30
00:02:03,019 --> 00:02:04,354
<i>I see all kinds of lights.
Then they just drop me.</i>

31
00:02:04,521 --> 00:02:06,982
<i>In order to get that much iron,
you probably have to overeat.</i>

32
00:02:07,148 --> 00:02:10,861
<i>Send your check or money order
to White Guilt Relief Fund.</i>

33
00:02:11,027 --> 00:02:13,029
<i>We're ready? Should we go?</i>

34
00:02:13,363 --> 00:02:14,614
{\an8}[HONKING]

35
00:02:14,614 --> 00:02:15,907
{\an8}[WHISTLE BLOWING]

36
00:02:17,409 --> 00:02:18,618
{\an8}MAN: Free show!

37
00:02:18,618 --> 00:02:20,245
{\an8}[INDISTINCT RADIO PROGRAM
PLAYING]

38
00:02:20,245 --> 00:02:22,289
Plenty of tickets left, guys!
Free show!

39
00:02:22,831 --> 00:02:23,832
No?

40
00:02:24,624 --> 00:02:26,293
Hey, free show, man.

41
00:02:27,002 --> 00:02:29,462
Hey, sir, free comedy show?
Plenty of seats.

42
00:02:29,629 --> 00:02:31,381
Perfect for date night!

43
00:02:32,090 --> 00:02:32,924
Um...

44
00:02:33,550 --> 00:02:36,386
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular...

45
00:02:36,553 --> 00:02:39,097
"featuring a parade of comedy...

46
00:02:39,264 --> 00:02:40,640
"and musical acts
ripped from the charts."

47
00:02:41,933 --> 00:02:43,184
Jesus Christ.

48
00:02:43,351 --> 00:02:44,686
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"

49
00:02:47,147 --> 00:02:48,690
MAN: Hey, man! You okay?

50
00:02:50,025 --> 00:02:52,444
[SIGHS] Maybe ask me again
in 90 minutes.

51
00:02:53,111 --> 00:02:54,529
MAN: Why?
What happens in 90 minutes?

52
00:02:54,988 --> 00:02:56,114
Uh, we go live.

53
00:02:56,448 --> 00:02:59,075
Oh, wow. Far out, man. Congrats.
Miss?

54
00:02:59,242 --> 00:03:00,994
- Thank you.
- MAN: Hey, wait. If it's live,

55
00:03:01,161 --> 00:03:02,704
then why the hell
are you down here?

56
00:03:02,871 --> 00:03:04,664
- Free show. For fuck's sake.
- I'm...

57
00:03:04,831 --> 00:03:06,207
- ANDY: Mr. Michaels?
- ...waiting for...

58
00:03:06,416 --> 00:03:07,250
Ah!

59
00:03:07,584 --> 00:03:09,794
It's 10 o'clock, Andy.
Here. Come on.

60
00:03:10,253 --> 00:03:11,838
MRS. KAUFMAN: Where do I park?

61
00:03:12,005 --> 00:03:14,341
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular..."

62
00:03:14,507 --> 00:03:15,884
Just pick him up at 1:00,
Mrs. Kaufman.

63
00:03:15,884 --> 00:03:16,968
Do you like my suit?

64
00:03:17,135 --> 00:03:18,178
- Very elegant, Andy.
- Take care of my Andy!

65
00:03:18,345 --> 00:03:19,888
This is my favorite suit.

66
00:03:20,055 --> 00:03:21,973
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"

67
00:03:21,973 --> 00:03:22,974
[CARS HONKING]

68
00:03:22,974 --> 00:03:24,100
Bye. Bye, Mommy.

69
00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:25,101
MRS. KAUFMAN: Bye, honey.

70
00:03:25,101 --> 00:03:26,019
- I love you!
- LORNE: Andy, come on.

71
00:03:32,651 --> 00:03:33,652
Andy, please, come on.

72
00:03:33,818 --> 00:03:35,403
ANDY: This is beautiful.

73
00:03:35,570 --> 00:03:36,571
LORNE: Yeah.

74
00:03:36,821 --> 00:03:37,822
You know, actually, down there

75
00:03:37,822 --> 00:03:38,907
is where Diego Rivera
was hired...

76
00:03:39,074 --> 00:03:41,284
to paint a fresco
for the American worker.

77
00:03:41,451 --> 00:03:42,494
ANDY: I cannot see this.

78
00:03:42,661 --> 00:03:44,579
Well, no one can
because Diego was a commie...

79
00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:46,247
and added Vladimir Lenin
in the middle of the night...

80
00:03:46,247 --> 00:03:47,624
so the Rockefellers
had it plastered over.

81
00:03:47,624 --> 00:03:48,708
Deliveries use the back.

82
00:03:48,708 --> 00:03:50,001
- I'm producer of the show.
- Where's your badge?

83
00:03:50,001 --> 00:03:51,294
- My...
- Where's his badge?

84
00:03:51,294 --> 00:03:52,379
Look, my name is Lorne Michaels.

85
00:03:52,379 --> 00:03:53,463
I'm the producer
of <i>Saturday Night.</i>

86
00:03:53,463 --> 00:03:54,631
- The whole night?
- MAN: Hey! Hey! He's good.

87
00:03:54,631 --> 00:03:56,341
- Yeah, I'm producing every show.
- He's good. He's good.

88
00:03:56,341 --> 00:03:57,717
- I'm good, you see?
- Let him in. Let him in.

89
00:03:57,717 --> 00:03:58,802
Live on a Saturday night?
Must be some show.

90
00:03:58,802 --> 00:03:59,886
I'm good. Andy, please.

91
00:03:59,886 --> 00:04:01,221
Hey, you're doing a great job.
Really. Great stuff.

92
00:04:01,221 --> 00:04:02,597
GUARD: What kind of name
is <i>"Saturday Night"?</i>

93
00:04:02,597 --> 00:04:04,933
- Andy, come on. Please.
- Okay. We rushing.

94
00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:06,393
Eighth floor, and book it.

95
00:04:06,559 --> 00:04:08,144
Put on your seat belts.

96
00:04:08,603 --> 00:04:10,522
[BREATHING DEEPLY]

97
00:04:10,522 --> 00:04:12,315
So, big night.

98
00:04:12,315 --> 00:04:13,775
LORNE: Oh, Andy,
have you had dinner?

99
00:04:13,775 --> 00:04:16,194
Huh. Yes, I had spaghetti.

100
00:04:16,194 --> 00:04:17,362
Oh, that sounds delicious.

101
00:04:17,529 --> 00:04:19,239
Hey, Lorne, I'm getting calls
from upstairs.

102
00:04:19,239 --> 00:04:20,365
You ordered a llama?

103
00:04:20,532 --> 00:04:21,533
A llama?

104
00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:23,994
Yeah. We all decided it was
much funnier than a donkey.

105
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:25,412
Right. Just the guys
down at the loading dock

106
00:04:25,412 --> 00:04:27,038
weren't expecting,
you know, livestock.

107
00:04:27,205 --> 00:04:29,416
Well, NBC did ask for something
fresh and unexpected.

108
00:04:29,582 --> 00:04:30,875
That is true. That's true.

109
00:04:31,001 --> 00:04:32,168
Uh, just, you know,
they also weren't

110
00:04:32,168 --> 00:04:33,253
expecting you to demand...

111
00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:35,672
an overhaul in the entire
lighting and sound package.

112
00:04:37,382 --> 00:04:39,592
Did anyone ask Edison
what a light bulb was

113
00:04:39,759 --> 00:04:41,219
before he harnessed electricity?

114
00:04:42,721 --> 00:04:44,389
Who are you in the metaphor?

115
00:04:45,140 --> 00:04:46,599
The light bulb?

116
00:04:47,017 --> 00:04:48,560
We can't expect people
to recognize

117
00:04:48,727 --> 00:04:49,853
something they've
never seen before.

118
00:04:50,020 --> 00:04:51,396
Right. Okay. Yes.
You're correct.

119
00:04:51,563 --> 00:04:52,814
But just,
how about a final script?

120
00:04:52,981 --> 00:04:53,982
It's not that kind of show.

121
00:04:54,149 --> 00:04:55,525
Okay. Well,
what kind of show is it, Lorne?

122
00:04:55,692 --> 00:04:56,860
Do you even know
what the show is?

123
00:04:57,027 --> 00:04:58,028
Of course.

124
00:04:58,737 --> 00:05:00,071
Are you gonna share it
with the rest of us?

125
00:05:00,238 --> 00:05:02,032
- Yes.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

126
00:05:02,574 --> 00:05:03,575
In 88 minutes.

127
00:05:03,742 --> 00:05:05,410
Oh, my God. [SNORTS]

128
00:05:05,577 --> 00:05:07,203
Uh, have you tested
the quality of the sound system?

129
00:05:07,370 --> 00:05:08,455
- No, I haven't.
- 'Cause the speakers...

130
00:05:08,621 --> 00:05:10,415
look leftover
from Arturo Toscanini.

131
00:05:10,582 --> 00:05:11,708
DICK: I mean,
that's not really my job.

132
00:05:11,875 --> 00:05:13,084
Lorne,
did you order more lights?

133
00:05:13,251 --> 00:05:14,252
LORNE: Of course.

134
00:05:14,919 --> 00:05:16,004
NEIL: Is this your card?

135
00:05:16,004 --> 00:05:17,088
MAN: How'd he do that?

136
00:05:17,088 --> 00:05:18,506
He's a fuckin' magician,
numb nuts.

137
00:05:18,673 --> 00:05:20,216
- LORNE: Hey, Neil?
- Oh, hey.

138
00:05:20,383 --> 00:05:22,552
You got to be right by my side,
man. Locked to my hip.

139
00:05:22,552 --> 00:05:23,928
Remember, when you're here,
you're not my cousin...

140
00:05:23,928 --> 00:05:25,221
you're my executive assistant.
You're important.

141
00:05:25,221 --> 00:05:26,389
Really? Like in the credits
it will say that?

142
00:05:26,389 --> 00:05:27,599
Well, no,
but you and I will know.

143
00:05:27,599 --> 00:05:28,683
They're looking for you
in the control room.

144
00:05:28,683 --> 00:05:30,560
Also, Belushi hasn't signed
his contract yet?

145
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,604
- Oh, and the llama has arrived.
- Oh, great. Thanks, Barbara.

146
00:05:32,604 --> 00:05:34,856
Neil, memo. We need to reeducate
the NBC Pages on the show.

147
00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:35,940
You should've heard
the guy outside.

148
00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:37,025
What the hell is this?

149
00:05:37,025 --> 00:05:39,319
<i>Saturday Night,</i> it's a new kind
of entertainment.

150
00:05:39,319 --> 00:05:42,530
It's abstract and defiant.
Avant-garde yet blue collar...

151
00:05:43,990 --> 00:05:44,991
[VOCALIZING]

152
00:05:48,661 --> 00:05:50,413
MAN: Gilda, come on.
We need you for rehearsal.

153
00:05:52,332 --> 00:05:54,250
Oh, be careful.
They're still drying.

154
00:05:54,417 --> 00:05:56,002
LORNE: This is
monumental work, Edie.

155
00:05:56,169 --> 00:05:58,588
Mr. Gresner, would you please
tell our studio audience...

156
00:05:58,755 --> 00:06:00,298
Jane, you're still attached.

157
00:06:00,465 --> 00:06:03,301
...just how you became a victim
of a shark bite?

158
00:06:04,177 --> 00:06:05,762
You are so fluffy.

159
00:06:05,929 --> 00:06:07,055
Hey, come on, Andy.

160
00:06:07,555 --> 00:06:09,390
You cut my Nazi Doctor Dolittle?

161
00:06:09,808 --> 00:06:11,684
He has ways
of making the animals talk?

162
00:06:11,851 --> 00:06:13,061
I'll check
with the run-of-show board.

163
00:06:13,228 --> 00:06:15,230
Package was addressed
to Al Franken and Tom Davis.

164
00:06:15,396 --> 00:06:16,773
I don't know
what to tell you, fellas.

165
00:06:16,773 --> 00:06:17,982
How do you lose
28 gallons of blood?

166
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:21,778
JOE: 85 minutes till showtime.

167
00:06:21,945 --> 00:06:24,823
Come on, guys. These transitions
need to be crisp.

168
00:06:24,989 --> 00:06:27,200
Pretend like there's a hooker
holding a sandwich

169
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,451
waiting for you stage right.

170
00:06:28,618 --> 00:06:30,245
We still need
to rehearse five sketches.

171
00:06:30,245 --> 00:06:32,288
Are we any closer
on lighting cues?

172
00:06:32,455 --> 00:06:34,165
GARRETT: Hey, Schiller.
What are you up to?

173
00:06:34,332 --> 00:06:36,709
I'm burning sage.
Removing demons.

174
00:06:36,876 --> 00:06:38,128
Garrett don't do voodoo.

175
00:06:38,294 --> 00:06:39,963
BILLY: Peter packed
a peck of pickled peckers.

176
00:06:40,130 --> 00:06:42,507
Andy, this is Billy Crystal
and Valri Bromfield.

177
00:06:42,674 --> 00:06:43,842
- They're both in the show.
- Andy!

178
00:06:44,008 --> 00:06:46,052
LORNE: They're both very nice.
Please stay with them, okay?

179
00:06:46,219 --> 00:06:48,096
Listen, Andy is
a certifiable comedic genius.

180
00:06:48,263 --> 00:06:49,264
- He is redefining the form.
- Nice to meet you, Andy.

181
00:06:49,430 --> 00:06:51,432
BILLY: I mean, we are
in the presence of greatness.

182
00:06:53,059 --> 00:06:54,144
Where is the bathroom?

183
00:06:54,144 --> 00:06:55,520
Neil, can you show Andy
to the washroom?

184
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,230
- Yeah. Yeah.
- There you are. Lorne. I can't

185
00:06:57,230 --> 00:06:58,773
- authorize the purchase...
- Dick. Dick.

186
00:06:58,773 --> 00:07:00,191
...of an antique chandelier.

187
00:07:00,191 --> 00:07:01,276
Jim has a question
about something.

188
00:07:01,276 --> 00:07:02,569
- Here. Let's step over here.
- JIM: He's out of control.

189
00:07:02,569 --> 00:07:04,320
- Okay. I understand.
- This isn't a budget.

190
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:05,405
It's a ransom note.

191
00:07:05,405 --> 00:07:06,531
Someone asked for last
Friday's <i>Johnny Carson?</i>

192
00:07:06,531 --> 00:07:07,699
Where the fuck you been,
Charlie?

193
00:07:07,699 --> 00:07:08,783
Sorry, I've been busy.

194
00:07:08,783 --> 00:07:09,868
I'll be back
in a little bit, okay?

195
00:07:09,868 --> 00:07:11,327
Hope I still have a job
when he's gone next week.

196
00:07:11,327 --> 00:07:13,037
Okey-dokes. So, as it stands...

197
00:07:13,204 --> 00:07:15,456
we have four host monologues,
two stand-ups...

198
00:07:15,623 --> 00:07:17,542
two musical guests,
each with two performances...

199
00:07:17,709 --> 00:07:19,002
a solo piece for Andy Kaufman...

200
00:07:19,169 --> 00:07:21,296
five parody commercials,
Weekend Update...

201
00:07:21,462 --> 00:07:22,505
a film by Albert Brooks...

202
00:07:22,672 --> 00:07:25,091
Jim Henson's Muppet... thing.

203
00:07:25,258 --> 00:07:27,260
Not to mention seven sketches.

204
00:07:27,427 --> 00:07:28,803
- Something for everybody.
- Yeah, it's a lot of show.

205
00:07:28,970 --> 00:07:30,305
- It won't fit.
- We don't know that.

206
00:07:30,471 --> 00:07:32,974
I know that. The dress rehearsal
was three hours.

207
00:07:33,141 --> 00:07:34,142
Audrey thinks we're tight.

208
00:07:34,309 --> 00:07:36,477
Audrey thinks it's time to make
some tough decisions, actually.

209
00:07:36,644 --> 00:07:37,645
Lorne, just cut some things.

210
00:07:37,812 --> 00:07:39,272
- No. We will, but...
- CHEVY: Am I still in the show?

211
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:43,860
Jesus Christ.

212
00:07:44,027 --> 00:07:46,154
- Sorry. Tripped over my penis.
- Still on the show, Chev.

213
00:07:46,321 --> 00:07:47,822
Oh, I know.
Hey, you remember Jackie.

214
00:07:47,989 --> 00:07:49,199
- My girlfriend.
- Fiancée.

215
00:07:49,365 --> 00:07:50,408
It looks expensive.

216
00:07:50,408 --> 00:07:51,492
She is.

217
00:07:51,492 --> 00:07:52,577
It is.

218
00:07:52,577 --> 00:07:53,745
I never know
when you're kidding.

219
00:07:53,745 --> 00:07:54,829
Hey, Chev, can I...

220
00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:56,414
Can you show a little goodwill
to your co-star?

221
00:07:56,581 --> 00:07:57,916
- Who? Belushi?
- Mmm-hmm.

222
00:07:58,082 --> 00:08:00,418
God! God!
What the fuck's the matter now?

223
00:08:00,585 --> 00:08:02,086
I think
it's just a new dynamic and...

224
00:08:02,253 --> 00:08:03,463
there are a lot
of expectations for every...

225
00:08:03,463 --> 00:08:04,547
I'll tell you what the issue is.

226
00:08:04,714 --> 00:08:06,382
We're not doing
a radio hour anymore

227
00:08:06,382 --> 00:08:07,800
and he's built like
an Albanian cheeseburger.

228
00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:10,220
Chevy can't help if people
are responding to his face.

229
00:08:10,386 --> 00:08:11,512
I mean, I could, but I won't.

230
00:08:11,679 --> 00:08:13,014
Right. Well, no one's asking you

231
00:08:13,014 --> 00:08:14,641
to deny your own magnetism,
Chevy.

232
00:08:14,807 --> 00:08:16,434
Maybe there's other roles
for John to play.

233
00:08:16,601 --> 00:08:18,436
Like a hobo. Or a troll.

234
00:08:18,603 --> 00:08:20,939
Or a fire hydrant.
Or a Volkswagen.

235
00:08:21,105 --> 00:08:23,107
Or a hemorrhoid.

236
00:08:23,566 --> 00:08:25,818
- You're looking sharp, Patches.
- [CHUCKLES] What?

237
00:08:26,236 --> 00:08:27,445
AUDREY: You have
to cut something.

238
00:08:27,445 --> 00:08:29,364
Yeah. Yeah. [SIGHS]

239
00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:33,409
- Neil?
- Oh. Yeah!

240
00:08:33,576 --> 00:08:35,662
Get me a key to this door.
In fact...

241
00:08:36,079 --> 00:08:37,497
I want keys to all the doors.

242
00:08:37,664 --> 00:08:38,998
NEIL: In the building?

243
00:08:39,165 --> 00:08:40,875
- If you can.
- Yeah.

244
00:08:43,795 --> 00:08:45,713
MAN: Frame up on the shot,
okay, Cameron?

245
00:08:46,172 --> 00:08:47,173
That's good.

246
00:08:47,423 --> 00:08:49,968
Ready camera 2. That looks okay.

247
00:08:49,968 --> 00:08:51,052
Hey, guys.

248
00:08:51,219 --> 00:08:52,762
Hey, Lorne.
Can you get down or around?

249
00:08:52,929 --> 00:08:54,389
Down in front.

250
00:08:55,306 --> 00:08:56,224
Dave, how're we looking?

251
00:08:56,224 --> 00:08:57,475
Oh. Good, good, good.
Good, good.

252
00:08:57,642 --> 00:09:00,061
Still working on the 47 notes
you gave me on your last visit.

253
00:09:00,478 --> 00:09:02,730
Okay. How's the morale looking
out there?

254
00:09:03,147 --> 00:09:04,232
-"Morale"?
- Mm-hmm.

255
00:09:04,232 --> 00:09:07,360
Oh, I think I can speak
for the entire crew...

256
00:09:07,527 --> 00:09:11,781
when I say this is exactly where
we want to be on Saturday night.

257
00:09:13,283 --> 00:09:14,951
- Okay. Great.
- DAVE: Yeah. Yeah.

258
00:09:15,535 --> 00:09:17,787
DAVE: Rocky! Wake up, will you?

259
00:09:18,288 --> 00:09:21,457
STEW: Give me lights 25B, 25C!

260
00:09:23,293 --> 00:09:25,461
Half down on 31! That's 32!

261
00:09:25,628 --> 00:09:27,297
You've done this before, right?

262
00:09:27,463 --> 00:09:28,464
MAN 2: Man,
that's a lot of lights.

263
00:09:28,631 --> 00:09:30,216
Charlie, you're gonna drop
a testicle lifting that thing.

264
00:09:30,383 --> 00:09:31,426
- Good job, Charlie.
- [GRUNTS]

265
00:09:31,551 --> 00:09:32,552
JOE: All right. Quiet, please!

266
00:09:32,719 --> 00:09:35,430
Here we go. Rehearsal's up.
Actors on their marks.

267
00:09:35,596 --> 00:09:36,889
All right. Hey, guys.

268
00:09:37,056 --> 00:09:39,309
We only have two minutes
of commercials...

269
00:09:39,475 --> 00:09:41,853
to make it from stage right
to stage left.

270
00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:43,604
MAN: Anybody know
the load bearing on the booms?

271
00:09:43,771 --> 00:09:45,690
- Hello, fellas.
- What's up, Joe?

272
00:09:45,857 --> 00:09:47,483
Can I get you anything?
Refreshment?

273
00:09:47,650 --> 00:09:48,943
- Mai Tai?
- MAN: I'll take a Schaefer.

274
00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:50,945
JOE: Try and at least act like
you're fucking working, please.

275
00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:52,405
John, thank you
for your patience.

276
00:09:52,405 --> 00:09:53,489
Moments away, okay?

277
00:09:53,656 --> 00:09:54,782
[JINGLE PLAYING]

278
00:09:54,782 --> 00:09:57,618
BARBARA: All right. Next card.
"Al 'Bud' Franken."

279
00:09:58,286 --> 00:09:59,579
Next card. "Tom 'Bud' Davis."

280
00:09:59,746 --> 00:10:01,706
Okay. So, this is a bit?

281
00:10:01,873 --> 00:10:03,916
Look, I don't get
half the shit that they do.

282
00:10:04,083 --> 00:10:06,044
Next card, "Rosie 'Bud'..."
Uh...

283
00:10:06,836 --> 00:10:09,297
Lorne, is Rosie going
with Michaels or Shuster?

284
00:10:10,089 --> 00:10:12,592
- That's a good question.
- BARBARA: Should I ask Rosie?

285
00:10:12,592 --> 00:10:14,260
No, no, no.
I'll take care of it.

286
00:10:14,427 --> 00:10:16,179
- BARBARA: All right.
- DAVE: Stew, that's good.

287
00:10:16,346 --> 00:10:17,638
That's actually looking good.

288
00:10:18,139 --> 00:10:19,599
A little more over.

289
00:10:20,016 --> 00:10:21,100
She's been at it for hours.

290
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,560
She's simply doing her job.

291
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:23,895
We have to comply
with NBC standards.

292
00:10:23,895 --> 00:10:25,188
Well, I refuse to comply.

293
00:10:25,188 --> 00:10:27,023
- Uh, Mr. O'Donoghue.
- Mmm-hmm?

294
00:10:27,648 --> 00:10:31,235
On page 12, what is clam diving?

295
00:10:33,196 --> 00:10:36,032
I believe
the act of harvesting mollusks.

296
00:10:36,199 --> 00:10:37,825
JOE: Stew!
You're killing me here.

297
00:10:37,825 --> 00:10:39,243
I just need the lights
for Home Invasion.

298
00:10:39,410 --> 00:10:41,037
Talk to the wonder kid!
He's trying to light

299
00:10:41,037 --> 00:10:42,955
<i>- Jesus Christ Superstar!</i>
- JOE: Those are excuses.

300
00:10:42,955 --> 00:10:44,624
Four people up there,
get them lit.

301
00:10:44,791 --> 00:10:47,585
I'm glad you're having fun,
but this isn't helpful.

302
00:10:47,752 --> 00:10:49,921
If that piglet
disfigures my work...

303
00:10:50,088 --> 00:10:52,715
I'm gonna turn her uterus
into a sock puppet.

304
00:10:52,882 --> 00:10:55,009
What is "Zipper Dinner"?

305
00:10:55,009 --> 00:10:56,427
[ALL CHUCKLING]

306
00:11:00,139 --> 00:11:02,100
How many of these
did you hide in the script?

307
00:11:02,266 --> 00:11:04,977
Maybe a dozen.
It's like a scavenger hunt.

308
00:11:05,144 --> 00:11:06,437
I know what blue balls are.

309
00:11:06,604 --> 00:11:07,605
You don't say.

310
00:11:08,189 --> 00:11:10,608
JOE: Come on, people, move
with purpose. Let's do this.

311
00:11:10,775 --> 00:11:13,027
Al, is that your one?
Come on, give it.

312
00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:15,905
All right. Quiet, please!
Rehearsal is up.

313
00:11:15,905 --> 00:11:17,281
DAN: Assault and burglary.

314
00:11:17,281 --> 00:11:19,158
JOE: Okay. Actors on your marks, please.

315
00:11:19,325 --> 00:11:20,410
Cameras on their marks.

316
00:11:20,410 --> 00:11:21,494
- Here we go.
- Hey.

317
00:11:26,374 --> 00:11:28,418
Okay! Let's see if we can
get through one of these skits.

318
00:11:28,584 --> 00:11:30,086
Sketches! Davy, please.

319
00:11:30,086 --> 00:11:31,170
JOE: And action on rehearsals.

320
00:11:31,170 --> 00:11:32,797
DAVE: Okay. Ready, Camera One?
Take Camera One.

321
00:11:34,090 --> 00:11:37,343
Look, honey. <i>Boeing Boeing</i> with
Jerry Lewis is on in 10 minutes.

322
00:11:37,510 --> 00:11:39,637
Ready, Camera Two?
Take Camera Two.

323
00:11:39,637 --> 00:11:42,056
GILDA: <i>Uh, sweetheart, I'm tired.
I think I'm just gonna...</i>

324
00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:44,308
have another glass
of diet root beer

325
00:11:44,308 --> 00:11:45,977
and go to bed, okay?

326
00:11:47,770 --> 00:11:49,647
- JOE: Aykroyd!
- Cue, Danny.

327
00:11:49,647 --> 00:11:50,731
[THUDDING]

328
00:11:54,235 --> 00:11:55,236
What's the problem?

329
00:11:55,403 --> 00:11:56,612
JOE: What's going on, Dan?

330
00:11:57,071 --> 00:11:58,406
DAN: It's a little lodged.

331
00:11:58,781 --> 00:11:59,657
[THUD]

332
00:11:59,657 --> 00:12:00,741
Hi, there!

333
00:12:00,908 --> 00:12:01,993
Please do not be alarmed.

334
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:03,911
This is only a simulated
assault and burglary.

335
00:12:04,078 --> 00:12:06,330
Repeat. This is a simulated
assault and burglary.

336
00:12:06,497 --> 00:12:08,124
This could happen to you
at any time. In fact...

337
00:12:08,124 --> 00:12:09,250
<i>- it just has.</i>
- GILDA: <i>Call the police!</i>

338
00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:10,334
DAN: <i>No, no!</i>

339
00:12:10,501 --> 00:12:12,420
Don't call the police.
I am the police.

340
00:12:12,587 --> 00:12:13,546
Well, I might be, anyway.

341
00:12:13,546 --> 00:12:14,672
[CHUCKLING]

342
00:12:14,672 --> 00:12:16,591
- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer...
- JOE: Hold!

343
00:12:16,966 --> 00:12:18,885
Aykroyd, one giant step
to the right, please.

344
00:12:19,218 --> 00:12:20,219
Yeah. My right?

345
00:12:20,219 --> 00:12:21,262
- Yes.
- DAN: Sure.

346
00:12:21,262 --> 00:12:23,264
Uh, say, man, you want me
to say anything in this?

347
00:12:23,431 --> 00:12:26,225
Or am I the silent robber type?

348
00:12:26,392 --> 00:12:28,394
I think we're gonna
stick to the script this time.

349
00:12:28,561 --> 00:12:29,854
- What script?
- JOE: Thanks, Garrett.

350
00:12:30,021 --> 00:12:32,273
Okay. Here we go.
And action on rehearsal.

351
00:12:32,899 --> 00:12:34,650
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer.

352
00:12:34,817 --> 00:12:35,943
<i>My name is Kenny Vorstrather.</i>

353
00:12:36,569 --> 00:12:38,488
<i>I'm president
of Trojan Horse Home Security.</i>

354
00:12:38,738 --> 00:12:40,865
I have broken into your home
tonight to illustrate to you...

355
00:12:41,032 --> 00:12:42,033
- [CLANG]
- ...and your family just how...

356
00:12:42,033 --> 00:12:43,576
- MAN: Watch out!
- [THUD]

357
00:12:43,576 --> 00:12:44,702
[ALL EXCLAIM]

358
00:12:44,702 --> 00:12:45,828
Shit!

359
00:12:45,828 --> 00:12:47,079
DAN: Have your girders
been checked?

360
00:12:47,079 --> 00:12:48,414
JOHN: Piece of shit!
You fucking piece of shit!

361
00:12:48,414 --> 00:12:50,541
STEW: I'll fucking break
your fucking jaw!

362
00:12:51,417 --> 00:12:53,836
JOE: Play the cameras back.
Play the cameras back. Let's go.

363
00:12:53,836 --> 00:12:54,754
[GILDA EXCLAIMS]

364
00:12:54,754 --> 00:12:56,797
- LORNE: John, are you hurt?
- [CRACKLE]

365
00:12:56,797 --> 00:12:57,882
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- MAN: Jesus Christ!

366
00:12:58,049 --> 00:12:59,091
You okay?

367
00:12:59,091 --> 00:13:01,177
Need a new gun.
Where's props for me, please?

368
00:13:01,177 --> 00:13:02,470
Can somebody
clear the children, please?

369
00:13:02,470 --> 00:13:03,596
Excuse me. Watch out, please.

370
00:13:03,763 --> 00:13:05,431
JOHN: Why? You got
any more fucking lights

371
00:13:05,431 --> 00:13:06,682
you want to drop on us?

372
00:13:06,849 --> 00:13:08,726
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe, motherfucker!

373
00:13:08,726 --> 00:13:10,520
Want me to break
your fucking jaw for you?

374
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:11,646
Fucking amateur hour!

375
00:13:11,646 --> 00:13:13,731
I'll bust your fucking jaw
for you, motherfucker!

376
00:13:13,898 --> 00:13:16,192
Hey! Hey! How dare you
endanger my actors?

377
00:13:16,192 --> 00:13:17,276
Lorne. Lorne, it's not worth it.

378
00:13:17,276 --> 00:13:18,361
Really? Yeah.

379
00:13:18,361 --> 00:13:20,488
You're the one asking
for 100 fucking light cues, pal!

380
00:13:20,488 --> 00:13:22,740
Well, feel free to let me know
when my expectations

381
00:13:22,740 --> 00:13:23,824
surpass your abilities.

382
00:13:23,824 --> 00:13:25,076
There's a shit-ton of lights.
It's not worth it.

383
00:13:25,243 --> 00:13:27,036
You know, I don't know, guys.
It was kind of exciting.

384
00:13:27,203 --> 00:13:28,538
Like, it's probably good luck.

385
00:13:29,622 --> 00:13:30,623
Wallie.

386
00:13:31,415 --> 00:13:34,418
Uh. this thing's not gonna work.
I need...

387
00:13:34,418 --> 00:13:35,503
Something with
a little more heft.

388
00:13:35,503 --> 00:13:37,338
It's got no stopping power.
You know what I mean?

389
00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:38,798
The script said pistol.

390
00:13:39,632 --> 00:13:40,800
Well, the script
specifically called for...

391
00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:43,636
a Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.

392
00:13:43,803 --> 00:13:44,845
Do we go again?

393
00:13:44,845 --> 00:13:46,764
Uh, in this deathtrap?

394
00:13:46,931 --> 00:13:47,932
Well, we've worked out
the kinks.

395
00:13:48,099 --> 00:13:50,351
You know, I still think
it was kind of funny.

396
00:13:50,518 --> 00:13:52,270
How high will this thing go, Al?

397
00:13:52,436 --> 00:13:54,021
- Gilda. Gilda.
- Say hello to the cameras, boys.

398
00:13:54,188 --> 00:13:56,399
There's home base...

399
00:13:56,566 --> 00:13:57,775
Kid, this ain't an armory.

400
00:13:57,775 --> 00:13:59,610
No one's gonna notice
the difference.

401
00:13:59,777 --> 00:14:00,778
I'll tell you who'll notice.

402
00:14:00,778 --> 00:14:01,946
A few of the fine folks
at home...

403
00:14:01,946 --> 00:14:03,781
who lugged M16s through
four feet of swamp juice

404
00:14:03,781 --> 00:14:04,865
in Quang Nam.

405
00:14:04,865 --> 00:14:06,325
Hey, boys!

406
00:14:06,492 --> 00:14:08,327
Guess I picked the wrong day
to not wear underwear.

407
00:14:08,327 --> 00:14:09,412
Don't look too hard.

408
00:14:09,412 --> 00:14:10,496
Proud of yourself?

409
00:14:10,496 --> 00:14:12,206
I'll give you and this circus
till the end of the week.

410
00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:14,083
That's funny. 'Cause I give you
till the end of the day.

411
00:14:15,793 --> 00:14:17,545
JOE: All right, everyone.
Let's get this thing cleaned up.

412
00:14:17,545 --> 00:14:18,462
Ah, ah, ah, ah...

413
00:14:18,462 --> 00:14:21,424
Grab a light, broom, dustpan.
We'll get all this glass.

414
00:14:21,424 --> 00:14:22,550
Mmm-mmm.

415
00:14:23,884 --> 00:14:25,553
Thank you, <i>hermano.</i>

416
00:14:27,138 --> 00:14:28,180
LORNE: All right, Neil,
not with the keys right now.

417
00:14:34,020 --> 00:14:37,106
Pow, pow! Pow, pow! [CHUCKLES]

418
00:14:37,773 --> 00:14:39,108
Hey, come on, man.

419
00:14:39,275 --> 00:14:40,776
Violence? Really?

420
00:14:41,611 --> 00:14:44,030
Ha-ha! My main man, Jim!

421
00:14:44,196 --> 00:14:48,242
Say, sorry for shooting
your Muppets, man.

422
00:14:48,409 --> 00:14:49,952
They're not just...

423
00:14:50,328 --> 00:14:51,912
They're your co-stars.

424
00:14:54,206 --> 00:14:56,334
Is that you?
You all right there, Jim?

425
00:14:57,251 --> 00:14:58,252
Yes.

426
00:14:59,629 --> 00:15:00,630
No.

427
00:15:01,756 --> 00:15:05,343
I don't think the writers
on the 17th floor speak Muppet.

428
00:15:05,509 --> 00:15:07,678
They tied a belt
around Big Bird's neck...

429
00:15:07,845 --> 00:15:10,640
and hung him
from my dressing room door.

430
00:15:10,806 --> 00:15:13,184
Hey, I heard about Big Bird.
I'm so sorry.

431
00:15:13,351 --> 00:15:15,436
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Who knew?

432
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,772
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
You're full of baloney.

433
00:15:17,938 --> 00:15:19,440
- Uh-oh. Cursing.
- STEW: Consider me...

434
00:15:19,607 --> 00:15:21,609
the first rat
off this sinkin' ship!

435
00:15:21,776 --> 00:15:23,402
- Oh, really?
- Don't jump to...

436
00:15:23,402 --> 00:15:26,447
Oh, wow, that's mature. Well,
what can I say? Bon voyage.

437
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:28,616
Lorne, he was our lighting
director. We need lights.

438
00:15:28,783 --> 00:15:29,867
I'm sure there's someone
else in the building...

439
00:15:30,034 --> 00:15:31,452
- who can push a button, Dick.
- Hey, he's the only one

440
00:15:31,619 --> 00:15:33,746
who knows the location
of the 200 lights you asked for.

441
00:15:34,872 --> 00:15:35,873
What is this?

442
00:15:36,916 --> 00:15:38,918
What's the meaning of this?
Who did this?

443
00:15:38,918 --> 00:15:40,211
[LAUGHTER]

444
00:15:40,211 --> 00:15:42,046
Hey, I thought
we were making a comedy!

445
00:15:42,046 --> 00:15:44,548
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

446
00:15:50,805 --> 00:15:52,848
[INSTRUMENTS PLAYING]

447
00:15:57,853 --> 00:16:01,107
- [VOCALIZING]
- Mmm...

448
00:16:01,107 --> 00:16:02,733
Sounding good, guys.

449
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:06,070
Yeah. Okay.

450
00:16:07,113 --> 00:16:08,572
- All right.
- Say, uh...

451
00:16:08,739 --> 00:16:10,324
we actually
worked together before.

452
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:12,910
I sang backup for Belafonte.

453
00:16:13,828 --> 00:16:16,205
[CHUCKLES] Catch that?

454
00:16:16,205 --> 00:16:17,707
[CHUCKLES]

455
00:16:17,707 --> 00:16:19,875
<i>♪ Drink the coconut water ♪</i>

456
00:16:20,042 --> 00:16:21,043
BAND:
<i>♪ Four to five! ♪</i>

457
00:16:21,043 --> 00:16:22,962
<i>♪ Man, it's good
For you daughter... ♪</i>

458
00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:24,213
BAND:
<i>♪ Four to five! ♪</i>

459
00:16:24,380 --> 00:16:26,674
<i>♪ Coco got a lotta iron ♪</i>

460
00:16:27,717 --> 00:16:29,719
[LAUGHTER]

461
00:16:31,762 --> 00:16:33,389
The guy is singing, too.

462
00:16:33,931 --> 00:16:36,142
How many people
do they have playin' tonight?

463
00:16:36,726 --> 00:16:39,770
No. No, no. See, I am one of
the comedic performers, man.

464
00:16:39,937 --> 00:16:41,439
- Yeah, I'm in the cast.
- Uh-huh.

465
00:16:41,605 --> 00:16:44,567
You are a professional comedian?

466
00:16:45,192 --> 00:16:47,403
Uh... Well, uh... No, not...
Not... Not...

467
00:16:47,403 --> 00:16:48,988
- Not by trade.
- Okay.

468
00:16:48,988 --> 00:16:50,531
Uh... You see,
I'm actually a playwright.

469
00:16:50,698 --> 00:16:52,366
- All right.
- Perhaps you saw my work...

470
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:55,453
at the Black Arts
Repertory Theatre in Harlem.

471
00:16:55,619 --> 00:16:57,121
Yeah, I must have missed that.

472
00:16:57,121 --> 00:16:58,998
[KEYBOARD PLAYING]

473
00:16:58,998 --> 00:17:01,417
Yeah. I actually don't know
why they hired me, man.

474
00:17:01,417 --> 00:17:02,501
[CHUCKLES]

475
00:17:03,669 --> 00:17:05,087
Yeah, you seem a little tight.

476
00:17:05,254 --> 00:17:06,380
- A little...
- Do I?

477
00:17:06,547 --> 00:17:08,716
Yeah, you gotta kinda
loosen it up for the show.

478
00:17:08,883 --> 00:17:10,050
Say, Alvin...

479
00:17:10,217 --> 00:17:11,594
Hook Mr...

480
00:17:11,761 --> 00:17:13,596
- What's your name?
- Garrett Morris.

481
00:17:13,971 --> 00:17:15,890
Garrett Morris, y'all,
the comedian.

482
00:17:16,223 --> 00:17:17,558
Yeah,
hook Mr. Garrett Morris up...

483
00:17:18,058 --> 00:17:20,728
with a little bit of confidence.
You know what I'm saying?

484
00:17:22,104 --> 00:17:23,439
- Yeah, come...
- Okay.

485
00:17:23,606 --> 00:17:24,815
Go ahead and get it.

486
00:17:24,982 --> 00:17:25,983
Medical grade.

487
00:17:26,150 --> 00:17:28,486
Shit so light,
air at the bottom of the bottle.

488
00:17:28,652 --> 00:17:29,653
You're gonna float.

489
00:17:30,613 --> 00:17:31,614
Float?

490
00:17:32,031 --> 00:17:33,741
- I'm gonna put this away.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

491
00:17:33,908 --> 00:17:35,951
This is illegal.

492
00:17:35,951 --> 00:17:37,036
[CHUCKLES]

493
00:17:37,036 --> 00:17:39,789
Yeah, well, you're gonna
need it. For your comedy.

494
00:17:39,955 --> 00:17:41,624
- Right. Right.
- Yeah.

495
00:17:41,624 --> 00:17:42,792
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

496
00:17:42,792 --> 00:17:43,959
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.

497
00:17:44,126 --> 00:17:46,253
- All right, y'all, let's get it.
- JOE: Scotty, sound check.

498
00:17:46,420 --> 00:17:47,963
All right, everyone,
quiet for sound check.

499
00:17:48,130 --> 00:17:49,965
- Sound check!
- [BAND PLAYING]

500
00:17:49,965 --> 00:17:51,008
This should be fun.

501
00:17:51,008 --> 00:17:53,052
[MUSIC PLAYING]

502
00:17:56,555 --> 00:17:57,556
[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]

503
00:18:00,643 --> 00:18:02,353
Is this full volume?

504
00:18:02,686 --> 00:18:03,854
The whole enchilada.

505
00:18:03,854 --> 00:18:05,523
Sounds pretty adequate to me.

506
00:18:05,523 --> 00:18:06,816
Well, this isn't Wimbledon.

507
00:18:06,816 --> 00:18:09,151
It needs to feel like a rock
concert for everyone at home.

508
00:18:09,151 --> 00:18:11,278
Lorne has such
a deep appreciation for music.

509
00:18:11,278 --> 00:18:12,696
Shouldn't we have more mics?

510
00:18:12,863 --> 00:18:14,073
One band, one mic.

511
00:18:17,451 --> 00:18:18,953
Dick, this needs to be fixed
for tonight.

512
00:18:19,286 --> 00:18:20,538
That's what
I've been talking about.

513
00:18:20,704 --> 00:18:22,039
Three, four.

514
00:18:29,797 --> 00:18:31,507
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this for John?

515
00:18:31,674 --> 00:18:32,800
Yeah, I heard he's in makeup.

516
00:18:32,967 --> 00:18:34,593
Do you like being yelled at
or something?

517
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:35,803
Here, I've got you.

518
00:18:35,970 --> 00:18:38,222
- Where are you going?
- [INCOHERENT MUMBLING]

519
00:18:49,692 --> 00:18:52,611
Jimmy, do not bet
on that hand, please.

520
00:18:57,408 --> 00:18:58,826
Can you hold the door?

521
00:19:00,202 --> 00:19:01,495
Yeah, I think so.

522
00:19:01,829 --> 00:19:02,663
Ooh.

523
00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:04,790
- Easy on the macaroni, Carmine.
- CARMINE: All right.

524
00:19:04,790 --> 00:19:06,625
ROSIE: You don't want
to hurt your stomach.

525
00:19:06,625 --> 00:19:07,710
CARMINE: All right, Rosie.

526
00:19:12,464 --> 00:19:14,633
ROSIE: There he is...

527
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,219
the star of the show.

528
00:19:17,386 --> 00:19:20,014
Come on, Rosie.
Not the fucking bees!

529
00:19:21,223 --> 00:19:23,934
I'm not a dashboard ornament.

530
00:19:24,101 --> 00:19:27,563
No, you're adorable,
is what you are...

531
00:19:28,022 --> 00:19:31,775
and all that fur, every girl's
gonna want to squeeze you.

532
00:19:32,484 --> 00:19:35,362
I am a trained professional.

533
00:19:36,030 --> 00:19:38,157
Well, you better watch
where you point that stinger.

534
00:19:38,657 --> 00:19:41,493
Come on. You want a little cig?

535
00:19:42,870 --> 00:19:46,415
What happened to my reporter
costume? Blaine Hotel?

536
00:19:46,582 --> 00:19:47,708
It's a five-second changeover

537
00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:49,209
from the reporter
to ancient Greece, okay?

538
00:19:49,376 --> 00:19:51,587
Lorne didn't think you'd
have time to get into your toga.

539
00:19:52,338 --> 00:19:53,339
Okay.

540
00:19:58,510 --> 00:20:00,554
Excuse me, ma'am.

541
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:01,764
Don't be alarmed.

542
00:20:01,931 --> 00:20:05,309
You're dealing with
a fully-qualified male strumpet.

543
00:20:05,476 --> 00:20:07,853
Hey, Rosie, I got
the latest version of New Dad.

544
00:20:08,020 --> 00:20:09,021
Okay.

545
00:20:09,563 --> 00:20:10,689
Behave.

546
00:20:11,148 --> 00:20:12,441
Bee-have.

547
00:20:14,109 --> 00:20:16,487
DAN: I can assure you
professional hygiene...

548
00:20:17,196 --> 00:20:19,365
discretion,
animal gratification...

549
00:20:19,531 --> 00:20:20,532
Listen, strumpet...

550
00:20:20,699 --> 00:20:22,660
It's Fred Garvin.
Male prostitute.

551
00:20:22,826 --> 00:20:24,161
How much is this gonna cost me?

552
00:20:24,328 --> 00:20:25,996
Hey, need you in costumes.

553
00:20:26,163 --> 00:20:28,415
I told them to make those
hot pants extra hot.

554
00:20:28,582 --> 00:20:29,625
Yummy.

555
00:20:29,792 --> 00:20:31,961
Lorne, we're gonna go check out
the cut on New Dad,

556
00:20:31,961 --> 00:20:33,045
you want to see?

557
00:20:33,170 --> 00:20:35,673
[CLATTERING, CRASH]

558
00:20:35,673 --> 00:20:38,342
Holy shit, holy shit.
Sorry, Lorne. Jesus.

559
00:20:38,550 --> 00:20:39,885
Hey, I heard John
doesn't like the bee costume.

560
00:20:39,885 --> 00:20:40,970
You know anything about this?

561
00:20:41,136 --> 00:20:42,972
It's not a costume problem.
He thinks he's Brando.

562
00:20:43,138 --> 00:20:44,223
- He's better than Brando.
- Lorne, Lorne.

563
00:20:44,223 --> 00:20:45,432
I'm working on it, Dick.

564
00:20:45,432 --> 00:20:47,434
He's better than Brando.
He's more important even.

565
00:20:47,434 --> 00:20:49,478
- He'll be studied.
- They will study his liver.

566
00:20:49,478 --> 00:20:51,480
John is better when he's angry.

567
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,065
Rose, you understand
that in an hour,

568
00:20:53,065 --> 00:20:54,191
I owe a television program?

569
00:20:54,191 --> 00:20:55,317
I made a covenant
with the National...

570
00:20:55,317 --> 00:20:56,402
- Broadcasting Company.
- A covenant, huh?

571
00:20:56,402 --> 00:20:58,570
Yeah, a covenant, and I'm on
the hook for 90 minutes...

572
00:20:58,570 --> 00:21:00,572
- of live television.
- Okay, Abraham.

573
00:21:02,241 --> 00:21:05,577
Rose, must you turn him
into a bee?

574
00:21:05,744 --> 00:21:06,954
I am not turning him into a bee.

575
00:21:06,954 --> 00:21:08,038
Thanks, Tom.

576
00:21:08,038 --> 00:21:10,249
He is a man in a bee costume.

577
00:21:10,416 --> 00:21:11,709
- There is a difference.
- Hmm.

578
00:21:12,668 --> 00:21:14,712
It's an image
you can't get out of your head.

579
00:21:14,878 --> 00:21:18,632
It's postmodern,
it's Warhol, it's iconic.

580
00:21:18,632 --> 00:21:19,883
Mmm-hmm.

581
00:21:19,883 --> 00:21:21,218
Where do these ideas
even come from?

582
00:21:21,385 --> 00:21:24,013
I just send an imaginary dog
to fetch an imaginary stick.

583
00:21:24,179 --> 00:21:25,514
LORNE: Yeah? Must be some dog.

584
00:21:25,681 --> 00:21:27,391
ROSIE: He's very well trained.

585
00:21:27,891 --> 00:21:28,976
<i>Honey, I'm home.</i>

586
00:21:29,143 --> 00:21:30,227
<i>Hey, pal.</i>

587
00:21:30,936 --> 00:21:32,563
<i>Hey.</i> [LAUGHS]

588
00:21:32,563 --> 00:21:33,647
<i>How are ya?</i>

589
00:21:33,647 --> 00:21:35,566
LORNE: Looks like
Chevy's fiancée slipped and fell

590
00:21:35,566 --> 00:21:36,817
into another segment.

591
00:21:36,817 --> 00:21:39,111
Jacqueline's gonna be hosting
the show if you're not careful.

592
00:21:39,278 --> 00:21:40,320
Jesus Christ.

593
00:21:40,696 --> 00:21:42,322
NARRATOR: <i>A wonderful family.</i>

594
00:21:42,489 --> 00:21:43,657
<i>Everything you need...</i>

595
00:21:43,657 --> 00:21:44,616
- [ROSIE LAUGHS]
- ...<i>for the future.</i>

596
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:46,577
- Danny's good in this.
- Yeah, he is.

597
00:21:46,744 --> 00:21:49,747
<i>What if you were suddenly
out of the picture?</i>

598
00:21:49,913 --> 00:21:51,707
Can we add sound there
over the X?

599
00:21:51,874 --> 00:21:54,209
- EDITOR: Like a buzzer?
- No, funny, like a bell.

600
00:21:54,376 --> 00:21:55,461
LORNE: Good call.

601
00:21:56,003 --> 00:21:57,379
ROSIE: And if we could hold
on the photo

602
00:21:57,379 --> 00:21:58,672
for another eight frames.

603
00:21:58,672 --> 00:22:00,007
LORNE: Um, 16 frames.

604
00:22:02,593 --> 00:22:03,802
Were you...

605
00:22:05,095 --> 00:22:07,222
thinking of going home
with him tonight?

606
00:22:07,848 --> 00:22:09,058
With Danny? Tonight?

607
00:22:09,475 --> 00:22:10,642
Yeah. I mean, I'm not suggesting
that you weren't gonna tell me.

608
00:22:10,642 --> 00:22:11,727
If you need alone time,
I can, I just...

609
00:22:11,727 --> 00:22:12,978
No, no, no. I just didn't know,
like, if you were...

610
00:22:12,978 --> 00:22:14,897
It's opening night.
So, I figured that it wasn't

611
00:22:14,897 --> 00:22:16,398
- the right time.
- I mean, neither did I.

612
00:22:16,565 --> 00:22:17,733
Well, then why are you asking?

613
00:22:17,900 --> 00:22:19,818
Just avoiding surprises, Rose.

614
00:22:19,985 --> 00:22:21,820
- But you love surprises.
- I love surprises.

615
00:22:21,987 --> 00:22:24,156
Like Anne Frank
loved her drum set.

616
00:22:24,156 --> 00:22:26,283
- [EDITOR CHUCKLES]
- LORNE: Don't encourage her.

617
00:22:27,159 --> 00:22:28,160
Can you hold on the photo

618
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,369
for another eight frames, please?

619
00:22:29,536 --> 00:22:30,537
It's always eight frames.

620
00:22:30,704 --> 00:22:32,706
Eight frames is a beat. So...

621
00:22:34,792 --> 00:22:36,585
Can you believe I need to cut
an hour of the show?

622
00:22:36,752 --> 00:22:39,088
NBC doesn't want a three-hour
sketch comedy review?

623
00:22:39,254 --> 00:22:40,964
Jesus, Rose,
don't call it that, please.

624
00:22:41,131 --> 00:22:42,633
Well, what is it, then?

625
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,051
<i>Honey, I'm home.</i>

626
00:22:44,218 --> 00:22:46,220
MAN: <i>Yes, it's New Dad.</i>

627
00:22:46,386 --> 00:22:47,846
I spent years collecting
orphaned comedians

628
00:22:47,846 --> 00:22:48,931
off the street.

629
00:22:49,098 --> 00:22:50,224
I know.

630
00:22:50,390 --> 00:22:52,267
They sleep on our dinette
and they whiz in our sink.

631
00:22:52,434 --> 00:22:53,602
By some miraculous accident...

632
00:22:53,769 --> 00:22:55,187
I found a place to call home

633
00:22:55,187 --> 00:22:56,688
for our little circus
of rejects,

634
00:22:56,688 --> 00:22:58,107
on national television.

635
00:22:58,273 --> 00:22:59,733
Rose, this is our shot.

636
00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:01,360
It's a shot.

637
00:23:01,527 --> 00:23:02,528
Rose...

638
00:23:05,030 --> 00:23:06,240
You're actually nervous.

639
00:23:06,907 --> 00:23:08,075
[MONITOR ROLLING]

640
00:23:10,994 --> 00:23:11,995
LORNE: Oh, uh...

641
00:23:12,704 --> 00:23:14,540
Barbara was asking about, um...

642
00:23:15,165 --> 00:23:18,335
your credit... on the show.

643
00:23:18,502 --> 00:23:20,337
I figured
you'd go with Michaels.

644
00:23:20,504 --> 00:23:21,713
Is that what you want?

645
00:23:22,798 --> 00:23:24,049
[SIGHS]

646
00:23:24,049 --> 00:23:26,885
I mean, you know, we're married
and you're my wife.

647
00:23:27,052 --> 00:23:29,388
I figured
it's the straightest line.

648
00:23:29,555 --> 00:23:31,473
Lorne, we're married,
but I'm not your wife.

649
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,725
Yeah, I don't think
that'll fit on a crawl.

650
00:23:33,892 --> 00:23:35,394
Well, what would you prefer?

651
00:23:39,064 --> 00:23:40,399
Lorne, Lorne, NBC execs

652
00:23:40,399 --> 00:23:41,817
are waiting
in the green room for you.

653
00:23:42,025 --> 00:23:43,902
- Fuck.
- VTR needed this yesterday.

654
00:23:44,069 --> 00:23:45,237
Well, it looks great.

655
00:23:47,447 --> 00:23:50,033
- Tom, Al, what's this about?
- BOTH: Hey, Lorne.

656
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,161
- A last-minute piece.
- Just in case you need it.

657
00:23:52,327 --> 00:23:53,453
I don't. What's the gag?

658
00:23:53,620 --> 00:23:55,914
We're gonna dress Aykroyd up
as Julia Childs.

659
00:23:56,081 --> 00:23:57,541
- America's favorite chef.
- Okay.

660
00:23:57,708 --> 00:23:59,668
And right as she's carvin' up
a turkey on live television...

661
00:23:59,835 --> 00:24:01,879
She slices open an artery.
Blood everywhere.

662
00:24:02,045 --> 00:24:03,213
Everywhere.

663
00:24:04,965 --> 00:24:05,966
That's the whole pitch?

664
00:24:06,133 --> 00:24:07,134
Yeah, just America's
favorite chef

665
00:24:07,134 --> 00:24:08,218
painting the walls
with her insides.

666
00:24:08,218 --> 00:24:09,303
Total gore fest.

667
00:24:09,303 --> 00:24:10,679
It's gonna be utter carnage, boss.

668
00:24:10,679 --> 00:24:12,681
Oh, no, I'm Julia Childs

669
00:24:12,681 --> 00:24:14,892
and I've cut the dickens
out of my finger.

670
00:24:14,892 --> 00:24:16,143
- Sounds promising.
- Wait, wait, boss.

671
00:24:16,143 --> 00:24:17,269
I didn't even get
to the good part yet.

672
00:24:17,269 --> 00:24:18,353
Just put down a tarp.

673
00:24:18,353 --> 00:24:19,897
Yeah, he doesn't like
the Julia Childs bit.

674
00:24:19,897 --> 00:24:21,315
- Uh, George...
- [THUD]

675
00:24:21,315 --> 00:24:23,275
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

676
00:24:23,442 --> 00:24:25,402
- How's Carlin?
- Warming up the pipes.

677
00:24:25,402 --> 00:24:28,155
Okay, well, heard Belushi
hasn't signed his contract yet.

678
00:24:28,155 --> 00:24:29,448
Eh. Formality.

679
00:24:29,448 --> 00:24:31,700
Uh, yeah, well,
they're pretty formal here.

680
00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:34,077
Uh, speaking of, the folks in
standards are a little uneasy...

681
00:24:34,077 --> 00:24:35,204
about the parody commercial

682
00:24:35,204 --> 00:24:36,705
playing right before
the regular ads.

683
00:24:36,705 --> 00:24:38,540
I think they think the viewers
might be a little confused.

684
00:24:38,540 --> 00:24:40,542
One might argue that's
what makes it humorous, Dick.

685
00:24:40,542 --> 00:24:41,919
DICK: Yeah, but, Lorne,
at what point are we

686
00:24:41,919 --> 00:24:43,253
not just making fun
of the audience?

687
00:24:43,253 --> 00:24:45,088
Hardly. It's commedia dell'arte.
If anything,

688
00:24:45,088 --> 00:24:47,174
it'll make the other commercials
feel all the more real...

689
00:24:47,341 --> 00:24:49,092
and the sponsors
will probably thank you.

690
00:24:49,635 --> 00:24:50,761
Who's in there?
Should I be concerned?

691
00:24:50,928 --> 00:24:52,554
No. Just try not to use words

692
00:24:52,554 --> 00:24:54,264
like "underground"
or "revolutionary."

693
00:24:54,431 --> 00:24:55,515
I'm not exactly Che Guevara.

694
00:24:55,682 --> 00:24:56,683
Yeah.

695
00:24:56,683 --> 00:24:58,310
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

696
00:24:58,435 --> 00:24:59,895
What the fuck? There's like
a thousand people in there.

697
00:25:00,062 --> 00:25:02,314
Fifty. The affiliates,
from across the country.

698
00:25:02,481 --> 00:25:03,565
Lorne, they're excited
to see the show.

699
00:25:03,732 --> 00:25:04,816
I don't have time for this,
Dick.

700
00:25:04,983 --> 00:25:06,652
Lorne, these are the people
that will decide

701
00:25:06,652 --> 00:25:08,195
whether or not we have a hit.

702
00:25:08,362 --> 00:25:11,156
They choose whether we go
on the air. We need them.

703
00:25:11,865 --> 00:25:12,866
[EXHALES]

704
00:25:13,825 --> 00:25:15,410
- Three minutes?
- Tops.

705
00:25:17,329 --> 00:25:19,206
Gentlemen. Hello.
Lorne Michaels.

706
00:25:19,373 --> 00:25:20,707
Hi. Lorne Michaels.

707
00:25:20,874 --> 00:25:23,168
Hi. Lorne Michaels.
Nice to meet you. Pleasure.

708
00:25:23,335 --> 00:25:25,087
Lorne Michaels. This is my show.

709
00:25:25,254 --> 00:25:27,631
Hi, where are we flying in from,
gentlemen? Chicago and...

710
00:25:27,798 --> 00:25:29,758
- New Orleans.
- New Orleans? Wow. Fantastic.

711
00:25:29,925 --> 00:25:32,386
Well, we're very lucky
to have some Southerners here.

712
00:25:32,552 --> 00:25:33,804
Hi. Nice to meet you.

713
00:25:33,971 --> 00:25:36,848
Hi, gentlemen. Lorne Michaels.
I'm the creator of the show.

714
00:25:37,015 --> 00:25:39,059
Hi. Wow. Firm handshake. Hi.

715
00:25:39,226 --> 00:25:41,645
I appreciate your support,
gentlemen. Thank you. Hello. Hi.

716
00:25:41,812 --> 00:25:43,563
- MAN: Tallahassee.
- Tallahassee? Wow.

717
00:25:43,730 --> 00:25:45,399
- Ladies and gentlemen.
- Hi.

718
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:47,901
Who am I kidding? Gentlemen...

719
00:25:50,696 --> 00:25:51,822
Can I see that?

720
00:25:52,531 --> 00:25:53,532
Thank you.

721
00:25:54,700 --> 00:25:55,867
Hope this isn't the only thing

722
00:25:55,867 --> 00:25:57,536
getting sucked
on this weekend, boys.

723
00:25:57,536 --> 00:25:58,537
[LAUGHTER]

724
00:25:58,537 --> 00:26:00,914
Jesus, you guys look like
the cast of <i>Godfather</i>

725
00:26:00,914 --> 00:26:02,624
if it was shot in Alabama.

726
00:26:02,958 --> 00:26:04,459
[LAUGHTER]

727
00:26:04,459 --> 00:26:06,336
I see some cowboys here.

728
00:26:06,503 --> 00:26:08,255
That's a hell
of a 10-gallon hat.

729
00:26:08,422 --> 00:26:10,257
You look like you're ready
for a date with a livestock.

730
00:26:10,257 --> 00:26:12,217
[LAUGHTER]

731
00:26:12,968 --> 00:26:14,428
CHEVY: Welcome to New York.

732
00:26:14,594 --> 00:26:15,762
It's quite diverse.

733
00:26:16,096 --> 00:26:17,472
If you want to meet
Black people, go to Harlem.

734
00:26:17,639 --> 00:26:19,683
If you want to meet Jews,
come to our writer's room.

735
00:26:19,683 --> 00:26:21,518
[LAUGHTER]

736
00:26:21,518 --> 00:26:23,520
CHEVY: Sir, you look like
you're from Ohio.

737
00:26:23,687 --> 00:26:26,356
My favorite thing about Ohio...

738
00:26:29,067 --> 00:26:30,610
Let me introduce you
to our head writer...

739
00:26:31,403 --> 00:26:34,239
our prince of darkness,
Michael O'Donoghue.

740
00:26:35,032 --> 00:26:37,075
Thank you. Thank you, Chevy.

741
00:26:37,075 --> 00:26:39,828
Um, I'm certain
you all know Mr. Rogers.

742
00:26:39,995 --> 00:26:42,205
Perhaps the most kind
and gentle man

743
00:26:42,205 --> 00:26:43,415
in all of television.

744
00:26:43,582 --> 00:26:47,085
This is my impression
of Mr. Rogers...

745
00:26:47,252 --> 00:26:50,422
plunging 18-inch
steel sewing needles...

746
00:26:50,589 --> 00:26:51,590
into his eyes.

747
00:26:51,923 --> 00:26:52,799
[CLEARS THROAT]

748
00:26:57,137 --> 00:26:59,097
- [SMACK]
- [SCREAMING]

749
00:26:59,097 --> 00:27:01,391
[LAUGHTER]

750
00:27:04,644 --> 00:27:06,813
Okay. Okay. Thank you, Michael.

751
00:27:06,813 --> 00:27:07,856
Um...

752
00:27:08,148 --> 00:27:10,317
Well, now you know
why they put us on at midnight.

753
00:27:10,317 --> 00:27:11,360
Um...

754
00:27:13,904 --> 00:27:15,781
Uh, hello, everybody,
my name is Lorne Michaels.

755
00:27:15,947 --> 00:27:19,743
I'm the producer
and creator of <i>Saturday Night.</i>

756
00:27:21,703 --> 00:27:23,413
We have a wonderful show
for you this evening.

757
00:27:23,580 --> 00:27:26,666
George Carlin,
the great Billy Preston...

758
00:27:27,793 --> 00:27:28,919
a film by Albert Brooks.

759
00:27:29,378 --> 00:27:31,546
Jim Henson's Muppets.

760
00:27:31,546 --> 00:27:32,547
[LAUGHING]

761
00:27:32,547 --> 00:27:35,175
[SIGHS]
We're, uh, excited for tonight.

762
00:27:35,759 --> 00:27:36,968
Uh...

763
00:27:36,968 --> 00:27:39,346
Because there's never been
a television show...

764
00:27:39,513 --> 00:27:42,724
made for or by the generation...

765
00:27:42,891 --> 00:27:45,685
that grew up
watching television. So...

766
00:27:48,855 --> 00:27:52,609
In the words
of my dear friend Che Guevara...

767
00:27:53,110 --> 00:27:54,986
- this is the revolution.
- [SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE]

768
00:27:54,986 --> 00:27:56,071
Yes. Yes.

769
00:27:56,071 --> 00:27:57,614
[CHEERS]

770
00:27:57,614 --> 00:27:58,824
Who's with us?

771
00:27:58,990 --> 00:28:00,325
Heads on pikes!

772
00:28:00,992 --> 00:28:03,578
- Blood will run in the streets!
- [CHEERS]

773
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:06,373
Gentlemen, behold...

774
00:28:06,998 --> 00:28:08,166
if you listen closely,
you can hear...

775
00:28:08,333 --> 00:28:10,710
Buffalo Bob shuckin' the cob
with Howdy Doody.

776
00:28:10,877 --> 00:28:11,962
Lorne can get
a little passionate.

777
00:28:11,962 --> 00:28:13,422
And so can Chevy. [CHUCKLES]

778
00:28:13,797 --> 00:28:14,923
- Blood in the streets?
- Yeah.

779
00:28:15,090 --> 00:28:16,758
- Well, that sounds delightful.
- Mmm-hmm

780
00:28:16,925 --> 00:28:19,261
How much are we spending
on this insurrection?

781
00:28:19,261 --> 00:28:21,513
Uh, about 250 an episode.

782
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:23,723
Well, I guess
revolutions aren't cheap.

783
00:28:23,723 --> 00:28:24,808
[CHUCKLES] Right.

784
00:28:24,975 --> 00:28:27,394
LORNE: What is this?
Absolutely not.

785
00:28:27,561 --> 00:28:29,563
No. No, no, no. We're not
gonna beg for their approval.

786
00:28:29,563 --> 00:28:30,689
No, take it down,
we don't need this.

787
00:28:30,689 --> 00:28:31,773
Well, you know...

788
00:28:31,773 --> 00:28:33,316
Lorne Michaels is
a special bird, you know.

789
00:28:33,316 --> 00:28:34,401
He believes in his vision.

790
00:28:35,235 --> 00:28:36,820
Well, that's nice.

791
00:28:37,737 --> 00:28:38,572
Mmm...

792
00:28:39,990 --> 00:28:41,408
And he doesn't really bend.

793
00:28:43,201 --> 00:28:45,370
We know how that story goes.

794
00:28:46,621 --> 00:28:48,373
[CHUCKLES] Mmm-hmm.

795
00:28:49,666 --> 00:28:51,793
CHEVY: Des Moines.
How'd you escape?

796
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:53,712
Well, I appreciate
you saying that.

797
00:28:54,296 --> 00:28:56,715
My father had good taste
and my mom was an alcoholic.

798
00:28:56,882 --> 00:29:00,469
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Can I borrow him for a moment?

799
00:29:00,886 --> 00:29:02,345
Enjoy the show, gentlemen.

800
00:29:03,472 --> 00:29:05,056
You held that room like a pro.

801
00:29:05,056 --> 00:29:07,100
- [CHUCKLES] Thank you.
- I mean it.

802
00:29:07,517 --> 00:29:09,561
I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent.

803
00:29:09,728 --> 00:29:11,771
You know,
I handle <i>The Tonight Show.</i>

804
00:29:12,105 --> 00:29:13,356
I didn't know that.

805
00:29:14,316 --> 00:29:15,317
Between us...

806
00:29:15,484 --> 00:29:17,777
Johnny Carson isn't gonna
be around forever.

807
00:29:17,777 --> 00:29:18,695
[CHUCKLES]

808
00:29:19,362 --> 00:29:20,530
Think about it.

809
00:29:22,324 --> 00:29:24,493
You're a handsome,
funny gentile.

810
00:29:26,578 --> 00:29:27,913
That means something.

811
00:29:40,091 --> 00:29:42,344
Uh, Lorne,
you remember Dave Tebet.

812
00:29:43,094 --> 00:29:44,137
LORNE: Oh, of course.

813
00:29:44,304 --> 00:29:45,472
I remember everyone
who gives me a job, Dick.

814
00:29:45,639 --> 00:29:46,806
Smart kid.

815
00:29:46,973 --> 00:29:48,517
Quite a lineup this evening.

816
00:29:48,683 --> 00:29:50,227
You know, while I have you,
I do understand

817
00:29:50,227 --> 00:29:51,645
that we are bending
some of the rules...

818
00:29:51,811 --> 00:29:54,105
Lorne, this is NBC.
There is a way things are done.

819
00:29:54,272 --> 00:29:55,649
- The Peacock way.
- Right.

820
00:29:55,815 --> 00:29:56,858
Well, we are thinking
a little differently.

821
00:29:56,858 --> 00:29:57,943
We just, you know...

822
00:29:57,943 --> 00:29:59,277
You know, maybe an emu.

823
00:29:59,277 --> 00:30:00,403
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, that's... Well, I just...

824
00:30:00,570 --> 00:30:01,613
Dick, shut the fuck up.

825
00:30:03,406 --> 00:30:06,743
Can't you see talent when it's
standing inches from your face?

826
00:30:06,743 --> 00:30:08,370
- DICK: Mmm-hmm.
- What do you think he's gonna do?

827
00:30:08,537 --> 00:30:10,789
Embarrass us
with some half-assed,

828
00:30:10,789 --> 00:30:12,290
rat-fuck donkey show?

829
00:30:12,457 --> 00:30:14,042
Frankly, that's exactly
what I signed up for.

830
00:30:14,209 --> 00:30:15,919
- Michael.
- I expect you...

831
00:30:16,086 --> 00:30:19,631
to be an unbending force
of seismic disturbance.

832
00:30:20,006 --> 00:30:23,718
Light up that NBC switchboard
like a bomb went off.

833
00:30:23,718 --> 00:30:26,263
[CHUCKLES] Well, I promise
not to play the music too loud.

834
00:30:26,263 --> 00:30:29,516
Oh, fuck that. This isn't
the Moose Jaw Jazz Festival.

835
00:30:29,683 --> 00:30:30,850
It's <i>Saturday</i> fucking Night.

836
00:30:31,017 --> 00:30:33,019
I want you
to be thunderous and deafening.

837
00:30:33,186 --> 00:30:35,981
If my ears don't bleed,
I'll be asking for a refund.

838
00:30:36,147 --> 00:30:37,941
Great. I mean,
I've always seen this

839
00:30:37,941 --> 00:30:39,067
as a collision that erupts...

840
00:30:39,234 --> 00:30:40,735
- from every screen in America.
- Yes. Yes.

841
00:30:40,902 --> 00:30:43,238
A prism that captures the light
of an emerging generation.

842
00:30:43,405 --> 00:30:45,532
Stop! Don't say another word.

843
00:30:45,699 --> 00:30:49,160
Don't question another instinct.

844
00:30:49,661 --> 00:30:50,996
- Ebersol?
- Yes?

845
00:30:51,871 --> 00:30:54,332
We're standing in the presence
of a prophet.

846
00:30:54,499 --> 00:30:55,500
Yeah, he certainly
talks like a...

847
00:30:55,667 --> 00:30:58,753
A man with a vision.

848
00:30:59,170 --> 00:31:01,339
And I want you
to take that vision...

849
00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:03,466
like a Sherman Tank...

850
00:31:03,633 --> 00:31:07,053
and plow through any fuck
that gets in your way.

851
00:31:07,220 --> 00:31:08,597
- Even me.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]

852
00:31:09,931 --> 00:31:12,642
"Use emotion for the many
and reserve reason for the few."

853
00:31:13,059 --> 00:31:14,144
I like that.

854
00:31:14,728 --> 00:31:16,438
I'm putting it on my wall.

855
00:31:19,524 --> 00:31:21,026
Was that a Hitler quote?

856
00:31:21,026 --> 00:31:22,694
Atrocities aside,
the man was a wordsmith.

857
00:31:22,694 --> 00:31:24,195
You missed a call
from Johnny Carson.

858
00:31:24,195 --> 00:31:25,447
I picked up the phone
'cause it was ringing.

859
00:31:25,447 --> 00:31:26,531
What did you tell him?

860
00:31:26,531 --> 00:31:28,283
I told... I don't remember.
He hung up on me.

861
00:31:28,283 --> 00:31:29,701
Lorne, Lorne.
Is that a bunk bed?

862
00:31:29,701 --> 00:31:31,202
I did have
a UFO encounter experience once.

863
00:31:31,369 --> 00:31:32,370
Danny ordered it for his office.

864
00:31:32,537 --> 00:31:34,706
That's confidence. Can you find
me something to eat?

865
00:31:34,873 --> 00:31:36,958
DICK: Neil, why would
he order a bunk bed?

866
00:31:36,958 --> 00:31:38,335
- [WOMEN LAUGHING]
- [PLAYING PIANO]

867
00:31:38,543 --> 00:31:39,919
Could you get that hippie shit
out of my face?

868
00:31:39,919 --> 00:31:41,463
And I am actually very strong.

869
00:31:41,463 --> 00:31:42,547
Thinking that
he can do the voice?

870
00:31:42,547 --> 00:31:44,299
- It's Aykroyd. Of course he can.
- It's Aykroyd.

871
00:31:44,299 --> 00:31:45,425
But that doesn't
necessarily mean anything.

872
00:31:45,592 --> 00:31:46,593
Hello, boys.

873
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:48,386
- Hey, Mike. Are you nervous?
- Hey, Mike.

874
00:31:48,553 --> 00:31:50,305
- Nervous about what?
- Performing on live TV.

875
00:31:50,472 --> 00:31:51,681
I'd be shitting bricks.

876
00:31:51,848 --> 00:31:55,477
Television is merely a lava lamp
with slightly better audio.

877
00:31:56,144 --> 00:31:58,188
Colored beads
to fascinate the animal.

878
00:31:58,355 --> 00:31:59,981
I could do it
in a narcoleptic coma.

879
00:32:00,148 --> 00:32:02,150
Hello, Herb.
How's Update coming?

880
00:32:02,317 --> 00:32:04,736
South Vietnam has seized
and burned

881
00:32:04,736 --> 00:32:06,988
100,000 <i>Playboy</i> magazines.

882
00:32:07,155 --> 00:32:08,448
I'm still working
on the punch line.

883
00:32:09,866 --> 00:32:12,744
For miles, all anyone
could smell was roast bunny.

884
00:32:14,621 --> 00:32:17,707
That's the one. Grab it, boys.
We need that couch.

885
00:32:18,625 --> 00:32:20,043
- Rise and shine.
- Oh, God.

886
00:32:20,669 --> 00:32:22,212
- Coming through, coming through.
- Whoo! Okay.

887
00:32:22,212 --> 00:32:23,672
[LAUGHTER]

888
00:32:23,672 --> 00:32:24,756
Oh, pages.

889
00:32:24,756 --> 00:32:25,840
- Watch your back.
- MAN: Coming through.

890
00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:27,842
GILDA: Oh. Here we are.

891
00:32:29,886 --> 00:32:31,012
You all right there, Chev?

892
00:32:32,514 --> 00:32:33,723
Things are...

893
00:32:34,516 --> 00:32:35,850
kooper kippy, Herb.

894
00:32:36,518 --> 00:32:37,811
I think it just happened.

895
00:32:37,977 --> 00:32:40,146
Think I got
the old shoulder tap.

896
00:32:41,231 --> 00:32:42,440
- The what?
- You know...

897
00:32:43,108 --> 00:32:44,609
from the guys upstairs.

898
00:32:45,819 --> 00:32:48,279
What's gonna happen to me?
I mean, Herb...

899
00:32:49,531 --> 00:32:52,617
you've been around the block.
Where am I going from here?

900
00:32:52,784 --> 00:32:53,868
Well, I don't know, Chevy.

901
00:32:54,244 --> 00:32:55,912
I never got a shoulder tap.

902
00:32:56,663 --> 00:32:58,206
I just made a fortune...

903
00:32:58,373 --> 00:33:00,208
and won a few Emmys...

904
00:33:00,375 --> 00:33:01,543
and slept with Gloria Steinem.

905
00:33:02,001 --> 00:33:03,002
Two out of three ain't bad.

906
00:33:03,336 --> 00:33:04,337
GILDA: Here we are.

907
00:33:04,921 --> 00:33:06,506
LARAINE: Oh, wow,
you're in so many scenes.

908
00:33:06,673 --> 00:33:10,218
Well... Yeah, but I'm always
everyone's kid sister.

909
00:33:10,385 --> 00:33:11,386
You're the hot one.

910
00:33:11,553 --> 00:33:13,138
I think Jane's the hot one.

911
00:33:13,304 --> 00:33:16,474
No, I'm the mom.
The still-fuckable mom.

912
00:33:16,641 --> 00:33:18,226
[PIANO KEYS PLAYING]

913
00:33:18,226 --> 00:33:20,145
My instinct is that
the American people

914
00:33:20,145 --> 00:33:22,105
are gonna fall in love with you.

915
00:33:22,772 --> 00:33:26,359
You'll be obscenely overpaid
for pratfalls and cute jokes.

916
00:33:26,526 --> 00:33:28,570
You'll waste away
most of your life...

917
00:33:29,237 --> 00:33:31,030
with purchased company.

918
00:33:31,656 --> 00:33:33,241
And then eventually
you'll self-medicate...

919
00:33:33,408 --> 00:33:36,244
with booze and hookers
and heroin.

920
00:33:37,036 --> 00:33:38,830
I imagine you'll die alone.

921
00:33:39,831 --> 00:33:42,000
Falling out of a hotel room
window in Stockholm.

922
00:33:42,167 --> 00:33:43,168
Jesus.

923
00:33:44,043 --> 00:33:45,044
I can't wait.

924
00:33:45,545 --> 00:33:47,172
Well, you're
everyone's favorite, Gilda.

925
00:33:47,464 --> 00:33:49,674
I'm just a bagel
looking for lox.

926
00:33:49,841 --> 00:33:52,761
I'm a parrot
with nothing to squawk.

927
00:33:52,927 --> 00:33:54,137
Well, I keep feeling
like any minute,

928
00:33:54,137 --> 00:33:56,097
Lorne's just gonna ship me back.

929
00:33:56,097 --> 00:33:58,933
Oh. No. On this budget,
we can't afford the postage.

930
00:33:59,100 --> 00:34:00,268
GILDA: There's a reason
you're here.

931
00:34:00,268 --> 00:34:01,686
You may not know it,
but Lorne does.

932
00:34:01,686 --> 00:34:03,313
- Oh, God!
- You're dealing here with...

933
00:34:03,313 --> 00:34:04,814
a fully-qualified male strumpet.

934
00:34:04,981 --> 00:34:06,524
GILDA: I'm not a prop, mister.

935
00:34:06,691 --> 00:34:08,860
You know, I can assure you
professional hygiene...

936
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:12,113
discretion,
animal gratification.

937
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:14,532
Why don't you assure me a little
peace and quiet?

938
00:34:14,699 --> 00:34:15,700
MICHAEL: You rang?

939
00:34:15,867 --> 00:34:17,494
Yeah. I need the Muppet pages.

940
00:34:17,660 --> 00:34:18,912
I already turned in
that one script.

941
00:34:19,078 --> 00:34:20,288
Was Henson uncomfortable

942
00:34:20,288 --> 00:34:22,040
with the Muppets
on a plantation?

943
00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:23,124
It was a musical number.

944
00:34:23,124 --> 00:34:24,501
I don't think
that's the problem.

945
00:34:25,293 --> 00:34:27,670
I just can't write for those
little hairy facecloths.

946
00:34:27,837 --> 00:34:28,838
Well, I need something
for Henson.

947
00:34:28,838 --> 00:34:30,006
We go live in an hour.

948
00:34:30,590 --> 00:34:33,593
JOAN: You cannot
say "horny" on NBC.

949
00:34:34,135 --> 00:34:35,845
Did you see
what that evangelical cunt

950
00:34:35,845 --> 00:34:37,138
did to our pages?

951
00:34:40,683 --> 00:34:41,976
I'll be right back.

952
00:34:42,143 --> 00:34:44,145
AL: So you want us to say sexy
instead of horny?

953
00:34:44,312 --> 00:34:45,605
And sexy and horny
just don't mean the same thing.

954
00:34:45,772 --> 00:34:47,690
JOAN: I struggle
to see the difference.

955
00:34:47,857 --> 00:34:50,068
Well, if a dog is humping
your leg, it's horny.

956
00:34:50,235 --> 00:34:51,361
It's certainly not sexy.

957
00:34:51,528 --> 00:34:53,112
What on earth are you doing?

958
00:34:54,739 --> 00:34:57,867
I'd rather butt-fuck cancer
than make these changes.

959
00:35:04,123 --> 00:35:04,958
[SIGHS]

960
00:35:06,376 --> 00:35:09,128
Your words don't scare me,
Mr. O'Donoghue.

961
00:35:09,295 --> 00:35:11,422
I am a woman of God.

962
00:35:11,589 --> 00:35:14,384
I'd heard that God's love
is blind. Now I know why.

963
00:35:14,384 --> 00:35:16,052
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] You see this?

964
00:35:16,261 --> 00:35:17,262
I do.

965
00:35:17,428 --> 00:35:20,265
I know it looks like
an ordinary red marker...

966
00:35:20,431 --> 00:35:22,225
but this one is special.

967
00:35:22,392 --> 00:35:25,520
It has kept America safe
for the better part of a decade.

968
00:35:25,687 --> 00:35:26,688
It is a weapon...

969
00:35:26,855 --> 00:35:29,691
against vulgarity, sex...

970
00:35:29,858 --> 00:35:33,152
communism, and hedonism.

971
00:35:33,361 --> 00:35:37,615
Oh. What about violence? Does it
protect America from violence?

972
00:35:37,782 --> 00:35:38,825
JOAN: Yes, that too.

973
00:35:38,992 --> 00:35:40,535
How about infanticide?

974
00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:42,161
Excuse me?

975
00:35:42,328 --> 00:35:43,746
Apologies. Just a...

976
00:35:44,163 --> 00:35:46,791
$2 word for a parent
who kills their own child.

977
00:35:46,791 --> 00:35:48,126
[CHUCKLING]

978
00:35:48,793 --> 00:35:50,420
The mere thought
makes me nauseous.

979
00:35:50,420 --> 00:35:52,338
Oh, understandably.
Me too, by the way.

980
00:35:52,338 --> 00:35:53,840
It's just I had this idea
for a sketch,

981
00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:54,966
and I'm not sure if it's funny.

982
00:35:54,966 --> 00:35:56,050
You can be the judge.

983
00:35:56,217 --> 00:35:57,343
It's about this...

984
00:35:57,886 --> 00:35:59,095
powerful, temperamental guy

985
00:35:59,095 --> 00:36:00,972
who rapes this virgin
in the middle of the night.

986
00:36:00,972 --> 00:36:02,140
I know, awful.

987
00:36:02,307 --> 00:36:04,350
Knocks her up
without ever saying "Hello..."

988
00:36:04,517 --> 00:36:05,894
- buying her flowers, whatever.
- [GIGGLES]

989
00:36:05,894 --> 00:36:07,437
MICHAEL: And then...

990
00:36:07,604 --> 00:36:08,771
here's the funny part.

991
00:36:09,272 --> 00:36:10,857
He has their bastard son...

992
00:36:11,024 --> 00:36:13,818
publicly mutilated and tortured
to death on a cross.

993
00:36:13,818 --> 00:36:16,154
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]

994
00:36:16,154 --> 00:36:18,239
You are a vile human.

995
00:36:18,948 --> 00:36:20,450
Ah, fuck.
You've heard this before.

996
00:36:20,450 --> 00:36:21,659
[LAUGHTER]

997
00:36:22,660 --> 00:36:23,661
Mr. O'Donoghue.

998
00:36:23,828 --> 00:36:26,497
Are we still being formal?
Please, just call me Satan.

999
00:36:26,497 --> 00:36:27,582
No, I am Satan.

1000
00:36:28,124 --> 00:36:29,542
- I am Satan.
- I am Satan.

1001
00:36:29,709 --> 00:36:30,919
- I am Satan.
- I'm Satan.

1002
00:36:31,085 --> 00:36:32,462
- WOMAN: No. I am Satan.
- MAN: We're Satan.

1003
00:36:32,629 --> 00:36:36,925
You will be forgotten.
I am gonna make sure of it.

1004
00:36:37,550 --> 00:36:38,843
- Bye.
- [FAINT LAUGHTER]

1005
00:36:38,843 --> 00:36:40,803
[ALL MOCKING]

1006
00:36:41,471 --> 00:36:42,680
Are you out of your mind?

1007
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:44,182
Look, for better or worse,
I call it like I see it.

1008
00:36:44,182 --> 00:36:45,308
Well, that was worse.

1009
00:36:45,308 --> 00:36:46,559
Lorne, they need you
at the loading dock.

1010
00:36:46,559 --> 00:36:47,644
I'm sure someone can sign
for whatever.

1011
00:36:47,644 --> 00:36:48,728
You're back on the Muppets.

1012
00:36:48,728 --> 00:36:50,229
- MICHAEL: Fuck you, I'll quit.
- Yeah, I doubt that.

1013
00:36:50,229 --> 00:36:51,397
It's Leo. He's been fighting

1014
00:36:51,397 --> 00:36:52,690
with security,
and there's blood.

1015
00:36:53,232 --> 00:36:54,651
Oh, my God. Dick.

1016
00:36:55,068 --> 00:36:56,069
Oh, shit.

1017
00:37:00,073 --> 00:37:00,907
LORNE: Ah!

1018
00:37:00,907 --> 00:37:03,117
- Hey!
- Hey, Dick. Is this turkey?

1019
00:37:03,117 --> 00:37:04,744
- DICK: While I have...
- There wasn't a sign, so I...

1020
00:37:04,744 --> 00:37:05,828
- Great.
- Lorne, Lorne.

1021
00:37:05,828 --> 00:37:06,871
While I have you...

1022
00:37:06,871 --> 00:37:09,123
Uh, I know you always want to be
on the cutting edge.

1023
00:37:09,624 --> 00:37:10,625
Check this out.

1024
00:37:11,209 --> 00:37:12,377
Polaroid.

1025
00:37:14,545 --> 00:37:15,546
Okay.

1026
00:37:16,714 --> 00:37:18,883
Uh, we can have the actors
demo it live.

1027
00:37:19,050 --> 00:37:21,469
Write it into sketches,
do live commercials.

1028
00:37:21,636 --> 00:37:23,054
Funny ones.
The payout is bonkers.

1029
00:37:23,221 --> 00:37:25,014
Dick, the cast didn't sign up
to do live commercials.

1030
00:37:25,223 --> 00:37:26,224
Neither did I.

1031
00:37:26,391 --> 00:37:28,351
Some of the cast
might find that very unseemly.

1032
00:37:28,351 --> 00:37:29,811
I completely understand.

1033
00:37:29,811 --> 00:37:31,813
But television's driven
by advertising.

1034
00:37:31,813 --> 00:37:33,272
It's what makes the motor run.

1035
00:37:33,272 --> 00:37:34,607
It's really
not a big deal at all.

1036
00:37:34,607 --> 00:37:36,275
Just please don't show this
to the talent.

1037
00:37:36,275 --> 00:37:37,652
I don't want them thinking

1038
00:37:37,652 --> 00:37:38,945
they're back
on the <i>Kraft Macaroni Hour.</i>

1039
00:37:39,696 --> 00:37:41,614
You know, what, are we
going kayaking? What is this?

1040
00:37:42,323 --> 00:37:43,616
Lorne, we're over budget.

1041
00:37:44,242 --> 00:37:45,284
Dick, you don't need
to tell me that.

1042
00:37:45,451 --> 00:37:46,703
Someone needs to tell you that.

1043
00:37:46,703 --> 00:37:48,037
We don't even know
what the show is yet.

1044
00:37:48,037 --> 00:37:49,580
How could we possibly know
the budget?

1045
00:37:49,580 --> 00:37:50,665
NEIL: That's true.
That's a good point.

1046
00:37:50,665 --> 00:37:51,791
Neil, please.

1047
00:37:51,791 --> 00:37:53,292
If we don't know
what the show is,

1048
00:37:53,292 --> 00:37:54,836
Lorne, what the fuck
are we doing here?

1049
00:37:55,003 --> 00:37:56,629
I know the ingredients.

1050
00:37:57,422 --> 00:37:58,464
Just not the amounts.

1051
00:37:58,464 --> 00:37:59,549
Lorne, what does that mean?

1052
00:37:59,716 --> 00:38:01,426
LORNE: We just have to make it
to 11:30.

1053
00:38:01,426 --> 00:38:03,094
- [THUD, GROANS]
- LORNE: Hey!

1054
00:38:03,094 --> 00:38:04,554
[GROANS] Ah!

1055
00:38:04,554 --> 00:38:05,805
LEO: Fuck! You fascist.

1056
00:38:05,972 --> 00:38:07,974
- You want to lose your job?
- You want to lose your teeth?

1057
00:38:07,974 --> 00:38:09,684
I'm the producer
of NBC'S <i>Saturday Night</i>

1058
00:38:09,684 --> 00:38:11,269
and you just hit a man
with a Tony.

1059
00:38:11,269 --> 00:38:13,354
- I've hit plenty of Tony's.
- All right. Hey, that's enough.

1060
00:38:13,771 --> 00:38:16,190
GUARD: Tell your friends,
no deliveries after 6:00 p.m.

1061
00:38:16,441 --> 00:38:18,276
- LEO: Shove it up your ass.
- GUARD: Fuck you.

1062
00:38:18,276 --> 00:38:19,736
LORNE: All right.
Keep going with the bricks.

1063
00:38:19,736 --> 00:38:21,446
You took that punch
like a champ.

1064
00:38:21,446 --> 00:38:22,864
I'm actually not sure
you're supposed

1065
00:38:22,864 --> 00:38:24,365
to be pinching
the bottom of the nostrils.

1066
00:38:24,365 --> 00:38:25,450
If you pinch a little higher...

1067
00:38:25,450 --> 00:38:28,536
Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.
Am I missing something?

1068
00:38:28,703 --> 00:38:30,997
Why are we using real brick?
Can't we just roll out linoleum?

1069
00:38:31,164 --> 00:38:33,875
- Hey! Fuck you!
- Okay. Jesus. Just relax.

1070
00:38:33,875 --> 00:38:35,793
Dick, our vision for home base
is a street corner...

1071
00:38:35,793 --> 00:38:37,754
with all the grit and texture
of New York City.

1072
00:38:37,754 --> 00:38:39,922
Yeah, okay. I mean, are we gonna
use real blood and vomit, too?

1073
00:38:39,922 --> 00:38:41,049
I'll give you
some real fucking blood.

1074
00:38:41,049 --> 00:38:42,133
Hey, hey, whoa,
no more fighting.

1075
00:38:42,133 --> 00:38:43,468
No more fighting.
He doesn't know.

1076
00:38:43,468 --> 00:38:44,677
He doesn't know. It's okay.

1077
00:38:47,013 --> 00:38:48,681
Why are we stopping?

1078
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:56,272
- Hello, everybody.
- LORNE: Andy.

1079
00:38:56,272 --> 00:38:58,191
What are you... You can't keep
wandering off like that.

1080
00:38:58,191 --> 00:38:59,734
I had to go to the bathroom.

1081
00:38:59,734 --> 00:39:00,985
That's very good.
That's very good.

1082
00:39:00,985 --> 00:39:02,070
DICK: Lorne...

1083
00:39:02,070 --> 00:39:03,071
LORNE: Barbara,
what time do you have?

1084
00:39:03,071 --> 00:39:04,655
Uh, 10:39.

1085
00:39:04,822 --> 00:39:06,199
- Lorne.
- LORNE: Hmm?

1086
00:39:07,241 --> 00:39:08,242
The brick.

1087
00:39:08,701 --> 00:39:09,702
It's...

1088
00:39:14,540 --> 00:39:16,542
It's got its pockets out.
It's workmanlike.

1089
00:39:16,709 --> 00:39:18,086
It's honest.

1090
00:39:18,252 --> 00:39:19,921
Dick, it's critical
for the success of the show.

1091
00:39:20,088 --> 00:39:22,131
Okay, but what is the show?

1092
00:39:27,804 --> 00:39:29,806
I mean, honestly, Dick,
if you don't know by now...

1093
00:39:32,141 --> 00:39:33,643
DON: Chevy Chase.

1094
00:39:34,060 --> 00:39:35,895
Gilda Radner.

1095
00:39:36,354 --> 00:39:37,939
Dan Ayk-a...

1096
00:39:38,106 --> 00:39:40,108
How the fuck
do you pronounce this?

1097
00:39:40,274 --> 00:39:41,275
Aykroyd.

1098
00:39:41,609 --> 00:39:42,693
Dan Aykroyd.

1099
00:39:42,860 --> 00:39:44,237
50 minutes, everybody!

1100
00:39:44,403 --> 00:39:46,114
DON: Laraine Newman.

1101
00:39:46,447 --> 00:39:47,698
You nervous?

1102
00:39:48,241 --> 00:39:50,159
Uh, no. No, not really.

1103
00:39:50,326 --> 00:39:51,994
I mean,
I've only got a couple bits.

1104
00:39:52,161 --> 00:39:54,163
The jury thing and a TV host.

1105
00:39:55,081 --> 00:39:56,666
Uh-huh... [EXHALES]

1106
00:39:58,042 --> 00:40:02,046
Say, you ever wonder exactly
what it is you are doing here?

1107
00:40:02,922 --> 00:40:04,799
Yeah, and I think
I've got a pretty good idea.

1108
00:40:05,341 --> 00:40:06,342
And what is that?

1109
00:40:06,926 --> 00:40:08,386
Well, Garrett, I'll tell ya,

1110
00:40:08,386 --> 00:40:11,013
I like to give 100%
in everything I do.

1111
00:40:12,098 --> 00:40:14,600
And I like a dish soap
that does that too.

1112
00:40:15,852 --> 00:40:18,855
So alive, so young,
so alluring...

1113
00:40:19,397 --> 00:40:22,024
so exotic, so hypnotic...

1114
00:40:22,483 --> 00:40:23,734
so manipulative...

1115
00:40:24,068 --> 00:40:27,363
so sadistically abusive...

1116
00:40:27,530 --> 00:40:29,615
so cartoonishly abhorrent...

1117
00:40:30,116 --> 00:40:31,576
You see, when it comes
to my skin

1118
00:40:31,576 --> 00:40:33,035
and my sensitive parts...

1119
00:40:33,244 --> 00:40:36,497
I only trust
100% American-made steel wool.

1120
00:40:36,497 --> 00:40:38,499
- [COUGHS]
- Strong enough for a man...

1121
00:40:38,666 --> 00:40:41,544
but whimsical and helpless
enough for a woman.

1122
00:40:42,044 --> 00:40:43,921
And don't wait. Act now.

1123
00:40:44,338 --> 00:40:46,340
Act like your very life
depends on it.

1124
00:40:46,507 --> 00:40:48,217
Act like your children's lives
depend on it.

1125
00:40:48,384 --> 00:40:52,680
Act like the children
in Africa's lives depend on it.

1126
00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:56,559
- [LAUGHS]
- Man, what the fuck

1127
00:40:56,559 --> 00:40:58,477
- was all of that?
- That was my 20s, Garrett.

1128
00:40:58,644 --> 00:41:00,605
And that is exactly
what I'm doing here.

1129
00:41:01,022 --> 00:41:02,023
Well, shit...

1130
00:41:02,190 --> 00:41:05,276
I'm just here
to play the butler...

1131
00:41:05,610 --> 00:41:08,613
the shoeshine guy, and the pimp.

1132
00:41:09,655 --> 00:41:11,324
Think you seem
a little nice for a pimp.

1133
00:41:12,033 --> 00:41:14,076
You're a little pretty
for a comedienne.

1134
00:41:14,327 --> 00:41:16,120
Well, cheers to staying out
of the spotlight.

1135
00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:17,079
- Hmm.
- [LIGHT CRANKS]

1136
00:41:17,079 --> 00:41:21,500
DON: <i>Ladies and gentlemen,
your host, George Carlin!</i>

1137
00:41:21,667 --> 00:41:23,961
You can't just let me come out
from behind a goddamn curtain?

1138
00:41:24,128 --> 00:41:26,214
I have to descend
like Norma fuckin' Desmond.

1139
00:41:26,380 --> 00:41:28,507
All right. Fuck you, everyone.

1140
00:41:28,674 --> 00:41:30,676
Fuck you, fuck you.

1141
00:41:30,843 --> 00:41:32,136
I've definitely fucked you.

1142
00:41:32,303 --> 00:41:33,763
- STAGEHAND 1: Fuck you.
- Yeah.

1143
00:41:33,930 --> 00:41:35,848
- STAGEHAND 2: Fuck you.
- Fuck all of you.

1144
00:41:36,015 --> 00:41:37,099
You have to distract her.

1145
00:41:37,266 --> 00:41:38,392
How?

1146
00:41:38,559 --> 00:41:39,894
With your sparkling wit.

1147
00:41:42,271 --> 00:41:43,356
Excuse me, miss.

1148
00:41:43,356 --> 00:41:45,233
Could you confirm that this is
a normal deck of cards?

1149
00:41:45,399 --> 00:41:46,859
No marks, no folds,
no blemishes?

1150
00:41:47,026 --> 00:41:49,987
- JOE: George!
- Yeah. All right. [CLEARS THROAT]

1151
00:41:49,987 --> 00:41:52,156
Welcome to the show.
I have some musics and laughs.

1152
00:41:52,323 --> 00:41:54,575
I plug the record,
blah-blah-blah.

1153
00:41:54,575 --> 00:41:57,536
Regular old deck, 52 cards.
I am going to make...

1154
00:41:57,536 --> 00:41:59,330
- JOE: George, keep going, please.
- GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1155
00:41:59,330 --> 00:42:00,790
You ever look at the crowds
in old movies

1156
00:42:00,790 --> 00:42:02,166
and wonder if they're dead yet?

1157
00:42:02,333 --> 00:42:03,459
MAN: Slow, slow, slow!

1158
00:42:03,459 --> 00:42:05,419
[CLATTERING]

1159
00:42:05,419 --> 00:42:07,546
Are you fucking kidding me
with this shit?

1160
00:42:07,964 --> 00:42:09,423
JOE: And throw to Janis.

1161
00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:10,841
What?

1162
00:42:11,008 --> 00:42:13,344
Yeah, throw it to Janis.
Introduce her, please.

1163
00:42:13,970 --> 00:42:16,013
- Keep going.
- Ladies and gentlemen...

1164
00:42:16,180 --> 00:42:17,473
Janis Ian.

1165
00:42:18,015 --> 00:42:21,936
<i>♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪</i>

1166
00:42:22,103 --> 00:42:26,065
<i>♪ That love was meant
For beauty queens ♪</i>

1167
00:42:27,149 --> 00:42:29,610
<i>♪ And high school girls
With clear-skinned smiles ♪</i>

1168
00:42:30,444 --> 00:42:33,572
<i>♪ Who married young
And then retired ♪</i>

1169
00:42:35,324 --> 00:42:36,409
- Mr. Carlin?
- Yeah?

1170
00:42:36,575 --> 00:42:38,911
I am Joan Carbunkle,
NBC standards.

1171
00:42:39,078 --> 00:42:40,746
- Oh, I didn't know they had any.
- Joan, he's very busy.

1172
00:42:40,913 --> 00:42:42,290
Just please share your concerns
with me, all right?

1173
00:42:42,456 --> 00:42:44,667
No, no, no. I'd like to hear
her concerns personally,

1174
00:42:44,667 --> 00:42:45,751
if you don't mind.

1175
00:42:45,918 --> 00:42:47,586
I know you have
a propensity for the obscene...

1176
00:42:47,753 --> 00:42:50,423
and a lurid interest
in colorful language.

1177
00:42:50,589 --> 00:42:51,924
- Thank you very much.
- Mr. Carlin...

1178
00:42:52,091 --> 00:42:53,384
you'll be happy to know
that there is...

1179
00:42:54,510 --> 00:42:56,304
one delay button...

1180
00:42:56,470 --> 00:42:58,889
and my finger is on it.

1181
00:43:01,600 --> 00:43:03,602
I'm surprised
you even found the button...

1182
00:43:03,769 --> 00:43:05,229
let alone touched it.

1183
00:43:07,565 --> 00:43:09,066
Is this your eight of diamonds?

1184
00:43:10,568 --> 00:43:13,779
<i>♪ Who called to say
come dance with me ♪</i>

1185
00:43:15,531 --> 00:43:16,532
Are you gonna help?

1186
00:43:16,699 --> 00:43:19,869
I really wish we could,
but, uh, we don't do bricks.

1187
00:43:20,036 --> 00:43:21,495
What guild is it
that does the bricks?

1188
00:43:21,662 --> 00:43:22,955
Is that 422?

1189
00:43:23,122 --> 00:43:25,041
No, that's carpenters.
How about 303?

1190
00:43:25,207 --> 00:43:27,585
- Nah, that's the pipefitters.
- [LAUGHTER]

1191
00:43:28,586 --> 00:43:30,212
I don't know
why you're laying brick.

1192
00:43:30,379 --> 00:43:31,964
You're gonna be gone
in two weeks.

1193
00:43:32,131 --> 00:43:35,509
<i>♪ A brown-eyed girl
in hand-me-downs ♪</i>

1194
00:43:35,676 --> 00:43:37,970
So, it's gonna be like one of
those 1950s safari flicks.

1195
00:43:38,137 --> 00:43:39,764
You know, the ones with
Rhonda Fleming, Susan Hayward.

1196
00:43:39,930 --> 00:43:41,515
That's a prop.

1197
00:43:44,185 --> 00:43:46,312
So, I want you to take
this bowl of potato chips here.

1198
00:43:46,312 --> 00:43:47,480
- Me?
- Yes, you.

1199
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:48,606
I want you to reach into them.

1200
00:43:48,773 --> 00:43:49,774
Every time I take a step,

1201
00:43:49,774 --> 00:43:50,900
give 'em a little crunch,
all right?

1202
00:43:50,900 --> 00:43:52,777
It's like we're in the safari.
Ready?

1203
00:43:53,152 --> 00:43:54,236
Give it a try.

1204
00:43:54,904 --> 00:43:55,780
[CRUNCH]

1205
00:43:56,989 --> 00:43:58,199
[VALRI GIGGLES]

1206
00:43:58,199 --> 00:44:00,076
- [CRUNCH]
- Early.

1207
00:44:00,242 --> 00:44:02,036
I just got this job.

1208
00:44:02,370 --> 00:44:04,163
- [CRUNCH]
- Now we're getting it.

1209
00:44:04,372 --> 00:44:05,623
[CRUNCHING]

1210
00:44:05,623 --> 00:44:08,209
[CHUCKLING] You piece of shit.

1211
00:44:08,209 --> 00:44:10,336
That was nice. Not bad.

1212
00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:11,754
[CRUNCH]

1213
00:44:12,713 --> 00:44:13,547
[CRUNCH]

1214
00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:16,300
[CLICKS TONGUE]

1215
00:44:16,300 --> 00:44:17,718
ANDY: Caw! Caw!

1216
00:44:18,010 --> 00:44:19,261
Don't shoot me.

1217
00:44:20,096 --> 00:44:22,139
- [ANDY CAWING]
- [VALRI CHUCKLING]

1218
00:44:22,848 --> 00:44:23,974
BILLY: I know that noise.

1219
00:44:23,974 --> 00:44:25,059
[ANDY IMITATING MONKEY]

1220
00:44:25,059 --> 00:44:27,061
That's a monkey
being run over by the C-train.

1221
00:44:28,729 --> 00:44:30,106
My archnemesis.

1222
00:44:30,398 --> 00:44:31,524
Here he comes.

1223
00:44:38,406 --> 00:44:40,074
There's no way
they're gonna fit all that show.

1224
00:44:41,659 --> 00:44:42,660
You think?

1225
00:44:43,869 --> 00:44:45,871
Yeah, something's got to go.
Hey, Lorne, can we talk minutes?

1226
00:44:46,038 --> 00:44:47,081
LORNE: You're doing great,
Billy.

1227
00:44:47,248 --> 00:44:48,999
- VALRI: That was weird.
- Yep. We're fucked.

1228
00:44:55,756 --> 00:44:57,466
[SNIFFING]

1229
00:45:00,177 --> 00:45:03,013
Excuse me, "ociffer,"
have I done somethin' wrong?

1230
00:45:03,973 --> 00:45:05,808
What do we have here?

1231
00:45:05,975 --> 00:45:08,394
Why, that would be my ass.

1232
00:45:10,938 --> 00:45:13,774
Mmm-hmm. Billy Preston's band
hooked it up.

1233
00:45:13,941 --> 00:45:15,526
Medical grade, baby.

1234
00:45:15,693 --> 00:45:17,820
Floats in the bottle
and then you...

1235
00:45:18,279 --> 00:45:19,280
[INHALES DEEPLY]

1236
00:45:21,365 --> 00:45:22,366
Checks out.

1237
00:45:22,992 --> 00:45:24,160
Medical grade.

1238
00:45:25,035 --> 00:45:25,870
Uh...

1239
00:45:25,870 --> 00:45:27,663
So, tell me how you fit
into this ensemble.

1240
00:45:27,997 --> 00:45:29,457
Is this an ensemble?

1241
00:45:29,457 --> 00:45:32,877
Uh, no, we have many talented,
talented improvisers...

1242
00:45:33,043 --> 00:45:34,920
from Chicago and Toronto and...

1243
00:45:35,087 --> 00:45:36,088
And Boston.

1244
00:45:36,255 --> 00:45:38,424
And Boston.
Yes, Jane Curtin is from Boston.

1245
00:45:38,591 --> 00:45:39,592
- [SNIFFS]
- You've met my fiancée?

1246
00:45:40,217 --> 00:45:41,218
Missed a little there.

1247
00:45:42,386 --> 00:45:43,512
But to answer your question...

1248
00:45:43,679 --> 00:45:44,638
LORNE:
While I've got you captive.

1249
00:45:44,638 --> 00:45:45,723
They want to shave me.

1250
00:45:45,890 --> 00:45:47,725
Careful. There's no jaw
under that beard,

1251
00:45:47,892 --> 00:45:48,976
just 10 pounds of neck.

1252
00:45:49,143 --> 00:45:50,311
LORNE: Chevy.

1253
00:45:50,311 --> 00:45:51,979
[CLATTER, CRASH]

1254
00:45:51,979 --> 00:45:55,024
Jesus Christ, you psycho,
you son of a bitch!

1255
00:45:55,399 --> 00:45:57,109
JOHN: Shove it up
your fucking ass!

1256
00:45:57,109 --> 00:45:58,527
- [CLAMORING]
- [THUD]

1257
00:45:58,527 --> 00:46:00,779
Hey, hey, hey, stop right now!

1258
00:46:01,655 --> 00:46:04,867
LORNE: Guys! Goddamn it!
Stop! Stop! Chevy, out!

1259
00:46:05,034 --> 00:46:06,994
- Don't feed coke to the animals!
- LORNE: Out! Chev!

1260
00:46:08,329 --> 00:46:10,206
WOMAN: Take a seat.

1261
00:46:11,790 --> 00:46:12,791
Yeah.

1262
00:46:12,958 --> 00:46:14,335
ROSIE: You okay, John?

1263
00:46:14,502 --> 00:46:15,544
So, we're throwing things now?

1264
00:46:15,711 --> 00:46:16,879
He started it.

1265
00:46:17,338 --> 00:46:18,547
ROSIE: It's just a shave, John.

1266
00:46:18,714 --> 00:46:20,216
So, NBC owns my fucking face?

1267
00:46:20,382 --> 00:46:21,425
- No.
- Yeah, a little bit.

1268
00:46:21,592 --> 00:46:23,302
But would Jimi Hendrix play
in mittens?

1269
00:46:23,469 --> 00:46:24,637
That's a good point.

1270
00:46:25,846 --> 00:46:28,098
John, you're going to go down
as one of the giants

1271
00:46:28,098 --> 00:46:29,266
of character expressionism...

1272
00:46:29,266 --> 00:46:30,809
from Chaplin to Brando.

1273
00:46:30,976 --> 00:46:31,977
Belushi...

1274
00:46:32,394 --> 00:46:33,395
Why hide your gift?

1275
00:46:33,562 --> 00:46:35,022
Beards are for pussies.

1276
00:46:36,440 --> 00:46:37,650
And the bees are bullshit.

1277
00:46:37,816 --> 00:46:38,984
You think I don't know that?
Of course, they are.

1278
00:46:39,151 --> 00:46:40,819
They're stupid,
they're postmodern...

1279
00:46:40,986 --> 00:46:43,322
they're Warhol, they're iconic,
they're <i>Sergeant Pepper.</i>

1280
00:46:43,489 --> 00:46:45,157
- ROSIE: So well said.
- LORNE: I'm glad you get it.

1281
00:46:46,325 --> 00:46:47,326
John...

1282
00:46:47,493 --> 00:46:48,744
we go live in less than an hour.

1283
00:46:48,911 --> 00:46:50,120
45 minutes.

1284
00:46:54,041 --> 00:46:55,960
I need you
to sign your contract.

1285
00:46:59,338 --> 00:47:00,506
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

1286
00:47:02,925 --> 00:47:04,260
[MIC FEEDBACK]

1287
00:47:04,260 --> 00:47:05,511
Oh, yeah.

1288
00:47:05,511 --> 00:47:06,720
[MUSIC STOPS]

1289
00:47:06,720 --> 00:47:07,805
What?

1290
00:47:07,972 --> 00:47:08,973
What's happening?

1291
00:47:09,390 --> 00:47:10,641
What happened to the music?

1292
00:47:11,850 --> 00:47:13,602
Hey! Why did you stop playing?

1293
00:47:13,769 --> 00:47:15,104
The speakers went out.

1294
00:47:15,479 --> 00:47:16,480
- All of them?
- All of them.

1295
00:47:16,647 --> 00:47:18,315
What the hell is happening?
What... Dick?

1296
00:47:18,482 --> 00:47:20,359
I'm on with the outfit
that supplied speakers at...

1297
00:47:20,526 --> 00:47:21,527
- Yeah, Rockefeller Plaza.
- Toscanini!

1298
00:47:21,694 --> 00:47:23,862
Height of audio fidelity!
What can we be doing?

1299
00:47:24,029 --> 00:47:25,364
ROSIE: Yeah,
what can we be doing?

1300
00:47:25,531 --> 00:47:26,740
We got no sound.

1301
00:47:26,907 --> 00:47:29,743
Idiot on the light board,
and we go live in 45.

1302
00:47:30,160 --> 00:47:31,453
What do you want to rehearse?

1303
00:47:32,580 --> 00:47:33,414
Uh...

1304
00:47:34,498 --> 00:47:35,583
We could pull up...

1305
00:47:35,583 --> 00:47:36,667
Weekend Update?

1306
00:47:36,667 --> 00:47:38,335
Do you want
to do Weekend Update? Yeah.

1307
00:47:38,335 --> 00:47:40,170
All right, everyone,
we're moving to Weekend Update.

1308
00:47:40,337 --> 00:47:42,673
- Okay, great, great.
- Don, stand by for your intro.

1309
00:47:44,258 --> 00:47:46,010
Here we go. Move it, people.

1310
00:47:46,010 --> 00:47:47,761
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

1311
00:47:56,895 --> 00:47:58,022
JOE: Let's go. Let's go.

1312
00:47:58,522 --> 00:47:59,523
LORNE: I'm good. Fine.

1313
00:47:59,523 --> 00:48:00,649
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

1314
00:48:03,027 --> 00:48:06,280
DON: From <i>Saturday Night</i> News
headquarters.

1315
00:48:06,447 --> 00:48:08,365
This is Weekend Update...

1316
00:48:08,532 --> 00:48:10,492
with Lorne Michaels.

1317
00:48:10,492 --> 00:48:12,119
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- [EXHALES]

1318
00:48:12,119 --> 00:48:13,287
[CLEARS THROAT]

1319
00:48:18,500 --> 00:48:20,002
LORNE: Our top story tonight...

1320
00:48:20,169 --> 00:48:21,211
<i>some world news.</i>

1321
00:48:21,378 --> 00:48:23,589
<i>Japanese Emperor Hirohito
met Mickey Mouse</i>

1322
00:48:23,589 --> 00:48:25,007
<i>at Disneyland this week.</i>

1323
00:48:25,174 --> 00:48:28,260
<i>The emperor presented Mickey
with a Hirohito wristwatch.</i>

1324
00:48:29,470 --> 00:48:30,304
[GROANS]

1325
00:48:32,056 --> 00:48:33,015
[CHUCKLES]

1326
00:48:33,015 --> 00:48:34,099
LORNE: How was that?

1327
00:48:34,266 --> 00:48:35,351
It was horrible.

1328
00:48:36,310 --> 00:48:37,853
Right. Um...

1329
00:48:39,563 --> 00:48:42,608
And now with a weather report...

1330
00:48:42,775 --> 00:48:45,986
we turn it over
to meteorologist John Belushi.

1331
00:48:46,153 --> 00:48:47,780
What's it looking like
out there, John?

1332
00:48:47,946 --> 00:48:49,239
Thank you, Lorne.

1333
00:48:49,239 --> 00:48:50,491
It's often said,

1334
00:48:50,491 --> 00:48:53,702
"March comes in like a lion
and goes out like a lamb."

1335
00:48:53,911 --> 00:48:56,455
But did you know March behaves
differently in other countries?

1336
00:48:57,039 --> 00:48:58,332
<i>In Norway, for example,</i>

1337
00:48:58,332 --> 00:49:01,251
<i>March comes in like a polar bear
and goes out like a walrus.</i>

1338
00:49:01,669 --> 00:49:03,629
<i>Or consider
the Republic of South Africa...</i>

1339
00:49:03,796 --> 00:49:05,255
<i>where March comes in like a lion</i>

1340
00:49:05,255 --> 00:49:06,590
<i>and goes out
like a different lion.</i>

1341
00:49:06,757 --> 00:49:08,175
- [ALL CHUCKLING]
- Like one has a mane

1342
00:49:08,175 --> 00:49:10,302
and the other
doesn't have a mane.

1343
00:49:10,469 --> 00:49:13,263
And there's a country where
March hops in like a kangaroo...

1344
00:49:13,430 --> 00:49:14,932
and stays a kangaroo
for a while.

1345
00:49:15,099 --> 00:49:16,141
Australia.

1346
00:49:16,308 --> 00:49:18,143
JOHN: <i>Then for a couple of days,
it's sort of a cross between...</i>

1347
00:49:18,310 --> 00:49:20,396
a frilled lizard
and a common house cat.

1348
00:49:20,813 --> 00:49:23,232
Then it changes back
into a smaller kangaroo...

1349
00:49:23,399 --> 00:49:25,526
and then it goes out
like a wild dingo!

1350
00:49:25,776 --> 00:49:27,319
JOHN: No, no,
and it's not Australia!

1351
00:49:27,653 --> 00:49:29,655
You'd think it'd be Australia,
but it's not!

1352
00:49:29,822 --> 00:49:30,948
- Oh!
- [LAUGHTER]

1353
00:49:30,948 --> 00:49:32,866
And there are
nine different countries...

1354
00:49:32,866 --> 00:49:34,493
where March comes in like a frog

1355
00:49:34,493 --> 00:49:36,370
and goes out
like a golden retriever.

1356
00:49:36,370 --> 00:49:38,163
But that's not the weird part.
No, no, no.

1357
00:49:38,330 --> 00:49:40,499
The weird part is the frog.
The frog.

1358
00:49:40,666 --> 00:49:41,792
The weird part is the...

1359
00:49:41,792 --> 00:49:43,335
- [IMITATES FROG]
- [THUD]

1360
00:49:43,335 --> 00:49:46,714
[LAUGHTER] Okay.

1361
00:49:46,714 --> 00:49:47,798
[ALL APPLAUDING]

1362
00:49:47,798 --> 00:49:48,882
LORNE: John.

1363
00:49:48,882 --> 00:49:50,259
[GROANS]

1364
00:49:50,259 --> 00:49:51,969
Are you all right? Are you okay?

1365
00:49:52,386 --> 00:49:53,387
I give in.

1366
00:49:53,887 --> 00:49:54,888
That was brilliant.

1367
00:49:55,055 --> 00:49:57,099
Now I need you
to sign your contract.

1368
00:49:59,268 --> 00:50:00,102
[MUMBLES]

1369
00:50:00,644 --> 00:50:01,979
- Was that a yes?
- That was a yes.

1370
00:50:02,146 --> 00:50:03,689
- Was that a yes? Okay.
- That was a yes.

1371
00:50:03,856 --> 00:50:05,149
- Neil, can I get the contract?
- NEIL: Yeah.

1372
00:50:06,024 --> 00:50:08,068
- Okay. Do you have a pen?
- NEIL: Uh...

1373
00:50:08,068 --> 00:50:09,194
BARBARA: Lorne, Lorne, Lorne,

1374
00:50:09,194 --> 00:50:11,196
there's a call from Burbank
waiting in your office.

1375
00:50:12,030 --> 00:50:13,240
Burbank?

1376
00:50:13,407 --> 00:50:14,408
Carson.

1377
00:50:14,742 --> 00:50:16,618
Uh, okay.
Um, Someone get him a pen.

1378
00:50:16,785 --> 00:50:18,203
Don't let him use it as a straw.

1379
00:50:18,203 --> 00:50:21,165
Uh, rehearse something.
Anything.

1380
00:50:21,331 --> 00:50:23,459
All right,
Bee Hospital stage left.

1381
00:50:23,625 --> 00:50:25,169
Let's go. We're moving.
Here we go.

1382
00:50:26,253 --> 00:50:27,880
- Great work, guys.
- JIM: Excuse me.

1383
00:50:28,046 --> 00:50:30,007
Hey, Mr. Michaels.

1384
00:50:30,007 --> 00:50:31,258
- Oh, Mr. Henson.
- Hey.

1385
00:50:31,258 --> 00:50:33,552
I'm excited to see what you
and your merry band of creatures

1386
00:50:33,552 --> 00:50:34,970
have in store for us tonight.

1387
00:50:34,970 --> 00:50:37,473
Well, Lorne, we don't have
any script pages yet...

1388
00:50:37,473 --> 00:50:40,267
so, the Muppets
are flyin' blind here.

1389
00:50:40,267 --> 00:50:41,685
Well, this is the first
I'm hearing of it.

1390
00:50:41,685 --> 00:50:42,978
Neil, Jim needs his pages.

1391
00:50:42,978 --> 00:50:45,105
Thank you. Thank you.
And please, sorry, Lorne...

1392
00:50:46,023 --> 00:50:48,066
can you please
remind your crew...

1393
00:50:48,233 --> 00:50:51,862
not to leave the Muppets
in compromising positions?

1394
00:50:53,322 --> 00:50:54,823
That doesn't sound like them.

1395
00:50:55,199 --> 00:50:57,284
Well, they left a note.

1396
00:50:58,035 --> 00:50:59,036
They didn't.

1397
00:50:59,203 --> 00:51:00,204
They did.

1398
00:51:00,788 --> 00:51:01,789
It said...

1399
00:51:04,500 --> 00:51:06,668
"Fuck-Rags for rent."

1400
00:51:07,711 --> 00:51:09,087
- Mmm...
- Okay?

1401
00:51:09,254 --> 00:51:10,923
I know what that means, so...

1402
00:51:11,965 --> 00:51:13,634
I'll talk to Michael.
Immediately.

1403
00:51:13,801 --> 00:51:14,885
Thank you.

1404
00:51:16,094 --> 00:51:16,970
[LAUGHS]

1405
00:51:17,638 --> 00:51:18,639
All right. Thank you.

1406
00:51:19,556 --> 00:51:20,766
LORNE: Oh. Hey, Bernie.

1407
00:51:20,766 --> 00:51:22,184
Oh, no, you're good.

1408
00:51:22,893 --> 00:51:24,061
[EXHALES]

1409
00:51:28,065 --> 00:51:29,316
Hello, this is Lorne.

1410
00:51:29,608 --> 00:51:31,944
JOHNNY: <i>I was beginning to think
you didn't like me.</i>

1411
00:51:32,110 --> 00:51:33,362
Of course not, Mr. Carson.

1412
00:51:33,362 --> 00:51:35,155
You're the voice
of a generation.

1413
00:51:35,322 --> 00:51:37,449
JOHNNY: <i>I just wanted
to reach out and say,</i>

1414
00:51:37,449 --> 00:51:38,659
<i>"Good luck tonight."</i>

1415
00:51:38,826 --> 00:51:40,035
LORNE: Oh, that's very kind.

1416
00:51:40,202 --> 00:51:41,870
JOHNNY: <i>And also, I suppose
I wanted to make sure...</i>

1417
00:51:42,037 --> 00:51:44,873
<i>we don't end up
stepping on each other's dicks.</i>

1418
00:51:45,040 --> 00:51:46,041
Right.

1419
00:51:46,041 --> 00:51:47,292
JOHNNY: <i>You know how
this all started, don't you?</i>

1420
00:51:47,292 --> 00:51:48,377
Just sign it, John.

1421
00:51:49,253 --> 00:51:50,462
Just sign it, John.

1422
00:51:50,629 --> 00:51:52,172
With a kite and a key, I'm sure.

1423
00:51:52,339 --> 00:51:53,841
JOHNNY: <i>Don't be a dipshit
for a second, kid.</i>

1424
00:51:54,341 --> 00:51:55,551
<i>I'm sure you've heard by now</i>

1425
00:51:55,551 --> 00:51:57,553
<i>that Mommy and Daddy
are fighting...</i>

1426
00:51:57,719 --> 00:52:00,472
<i>and that's why you got
the house to yourself tonight.</i>

1427
00:52:00,472 --> 00:52:01,932
<i>Frankly, it's the only reason</i>

1428
00:52:01,932 --> 00:52:04,685
<i>they ever greenlight
your little talent show.</i>

1429
00:52:05,394 --> 00:52:07,354
<i>Look, these things
always go the same way.</i>

1430
00:52:07,688 --> 00:52:09,940
<i>First, they try to fuck you,
and then they buy you dinner.</i>

1431
00:52:10,482 --> 00:52:12,276
<i>I'm not opposed
to</i> Saturday Night...

1432
00:52:12,276 --> 00:52:13,694
<i>even if it is
a dumping ground...</i>

1433
00:52:13,694 --> 00:52:14,778
No. No.

1434
00:52:14,778 --> 00:52:16,572
<i>...for the deadbeats
and bagheads.</i>

1435
00:52:16,572 --> 00:52:17,489
Dick, no.

1436
00:52:17,489 --> 00:52:18,407
JOHNNY:
<i>In the meantime, you get to...</i>

1437
00:52:18,407 --> 00:52:19,741
<i>play dress-up
on national television.</i>

1438
00:52:19,741 --> 00:52:20,868
LORNE: Don't let him
hold the camera.

1439
00:52:20,868 --> 00:52:21,952
JOHNNY: <i>Good for you.</i>

1440
00:52:22,369 --> 00:52:24,079
<i>So, here's some friendly advice.</i>

1441
00:52:24,913 --> 00:52:26,206
<i>Enjoy your little show...</i>

1442
00:52:26,373 --> 00:52:27,916
<i>but don't get too comfortable.</i>

1443
00:52:28,584 --> 00:52:30,752
<i>You're a benchwarmer,
a stalking horse.</i>

1444
00:52:30,919 --> 00:52:33,672
<i>It's my fucking network.
It's my fucking night.</i>

1445
00:52:34,590 --> 00:52:35,966
- [CRASH]
<i>- No hard feelings, though.</i>

1446
00:52:36,133 --> 00:52:38,135
JOHN: Fuck the bees
and fuck this show!

1447
00:52:38,302 --> 00:52:39,887
JOE: John.
Hey, where are you going?

1448
00:52:40,053 --> 00:52:41,430
I go where I'm kicked!

1449
00:52:41,805 --> 00:52:43,765
JOHNNY: <i>Heard you are
a halfway decent writer.</i>

1450
00:52:44,683 --> 00:52:46,184
<i>Send me some samples sometime.</i>

1451
00:52:46,351 --> 00:52:47,811
<i>We're always looking
for a bunch of 'em.</i>

1452
00:52:48,687 --> 00:52:49,771
[RECEIVER CLANGS]

1453
00:52:49,771 --> 00:52:50,939
How'd the call go?

1454
00:52:51,106 --> 00:52:52,441
Tremendous.
Thank you for asking.

1455
00:52:52,608 --> 00:52:54,443
- Great.
- Belushi walked.

1456
00:52:54,610 --> 00:52:56,486
- What? He quit?
- No, well, technically...

1457
00:52:56,653 --> 00:52:58,447
he would need a fucking job
to quit! But, yes, he walked.

1458
00:52:58,614 --> 00:53:00,073
We need to find him.
I'll take the eighth floor.

1459
00:53:00,240 --> 00:53:01,658
- You take the ninth, okay?
- Uh. Oh...

1460
00:53:02,034 --> 00:53:03,035
Okay.

1461
00:53:03,702 --> 00:53:05,704
Uh, hey,
have you seen John Belushi?

1462
00:53:05,704 --> 00:53:06,788
No.

1463
00:53:08,373 --> 00:53:09,625
There's a reason
they call it master control.

1464
00:53:09,791 --> 00:53:10,792
NEIL: Sorry, Jim,
have you seen John Belushi?

1465
00:53:10,959 --> 00:53:13,253
You want to hand the airwaves
over to that maniac?

1466
00:53:13,420 --> 00:53:15,839
- Have you seen Belushi?
- I'm not an animal wrangler.

1467
00:53:16,381 --> 00:53:17,382
Belushi? Belushi?

1468
00:53:17,549 --> 00:53:18,717
- Belushi?
- Belushi?

1469
00:53:18,884 --> 00:53:20,218
- AL: Belushi?
- Belushi?

1470
00:53:20,385 --> 00:53:23,096
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi? John?

1471
00:53:28,352 --> 00:53:29,603
Hey, guys, sorry to bother you.

1472
00:53:29,603 --> 00:53:31,438
Have you seen
John Belushi anywhere?

1473
00:53:31,605 --> 00:53:34,107
Oh. Yeah, sure. He was
hangin' out with us yesterday.

1474
00:53:34,107 --> 00:53:35,275
Right, Howard?

1475
00:53:35,442 --> 00:53:36,944
No, sorry. I meant
in the last few minutes.

1476
00:53:37,110 --> 00:53:38,278
- Did he...
- Oh, no.

1477
00:53:39,488 --> 00:53:41,198
Well, you seem stressed.
You okay, buddy?

1478
00:53:41,365 --> 00:53:43,283
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- You need a hit?

1479
00:53:43,992 --> 00:53:46,995
Uh, oh! No, no, no, that's fine.
That's okay.

1480
00:53:46,995 --> 00:53:48,038
PAUL: Oh.

1481
00:53:48,038 --> 00:53:49,206
I think it'd help.

1482
00:53:50,582 --> 00:53:51,583
That makes sense.

1483
00:53:54,294 --> 00:53:55,295
PAUL: There we go.

1484
00:53:58,131 --> 00:53:59,841
Oh, look at him.

1485
00:54:00,008 --> 00:54:01,885
Attaboy.

1486
00:54:02,052 --> 00:54:03,845
Good luck on your quest, <i>amigo.</i>

1487
00:54:06,181 --> 00:54:07,224
[COUGHS]

1488
00:54:07,224 --> 00:54:09,101
Have you seen John Belushi?

1489
00:54:09,810 --> 00:54:10,978
Have you guys seen John?

1490
00:54:11,144 --> 00:54:13,647
Neil, who do you think I am?

1491
00:54:14,356 --> 00:54:15,649
Human bumblebee.

1492
00:54:15,816 --> 00:54:17,192
No, man. I am talking about...

1493
00:54:17,359 --> 00:54:20,362
what is my identity on the show?

1494
00:54:20,529 --> 00:54:21,947
Don't ask me that right now.

1495
00:54:22,864 --> 00:54:25,242
I can't answer that right now.
Oh.

1496
00:54:28,996 --> 00:54:31,248
- Oh.
- What the hell are you doing?

1497
00:54:34,334 --> 00:54:36,253
- Thank you.
- [ICE CUBES CLINKING]

1498
00:54:39,881 --> 00:54:41,133
Has anybody seen John?

1499
00:54:41,299 --> 00:54:43,301
- I'm John.
- JOHN 2: I'm John.

1500
00:54:43,468 --> 00:54:44,469
- No. No.
- JOHN 3: I'm John.

1501
00:54:44,636 --> 00:54:46,304
- [ECHOING] I'm John.
- No. No.

1502
00:54:46,471 --> 00:54:48,223
- I'm John.
- I'm John.

1503
00:54:48,390 --> 00:54:49,391
Hold this, please.

1504
00:54:50,350 --> 00:54:52,978
[VOICES ECHOING]

1505
00:54:52,978 --> 00:54:54,062
One of them is mine.

1506
00:54:54,062 --> 00:54:55,230
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi?

1507
00:54:55,230 --> 00:54:56,940
Hey, you're... Kid, why are you
holding your face like that?

1508
00:54:56,940 --> 00:54:58,525
- Why are you shouting?
- Sweetie, are you okay?

1509
00:54:58,525 --> 00:55:01,653
I don't know.
I can hear my own blood.

1510
00:55:02,571 --> 00:55:03,572
Am I gonna be okay?

1511
00:55:03,739 --> 00:55:05,741
Don't ask her.
She's a nymph, not a nurse, kid.

1512
00:55:05,907 --> 00:55:07,367
I know that!

1513
00:55:07,868 --> 00:55:09,661
- Look, should I be worried?
- About Neil?

1514
00:55:09,828 --> 00:55:11,163
No. Fuck Neil. About my act.

1515
00:55:11,329 --> 00:55:13,373
I can't get a straight answer
out of Lorne.

1516
00:55:13,540 --> 00:55:15,876
Billy, you're family.

1517
00:55:17,210 --> 00:55:18,295
- Neil...
- Neil...

1518
00:55:21,965 --> 00:55:23,592
MAN: <i>This week
on</i> The Rumpus Hour.

1519
00:55:23,759 --> 00:55:25,135
<i>Tony Orlando and Dawn,</i>

1520
00:55:25,135 --> 00:55:27,262
<i>Shields and Yarnell,
the Domingo Brothers...</i>

1521
00:55:27,262 --> 00:55:29,890
<i>and your favorite juggling
barbershop quartet,</i>

1522
00:55:29,890 --> 00:55:31,224
<i>Macho Quatro.</i>

1523
00:55:31,224 --> 00:55:33,769
{\an8}Lorne. You know Milton Berle?

1524
00:55:33,935 --> 00:55:36,646
Absolutely. Big fan.
I grew up on your work.

1525
00:55:36,813 --> 00:55:38,356
Who didn't?
Hear it's your big night.

1526
00:55:38,523 --> 00:55:40,609
Planning on it.
How's it all coming?

1527
00:55:41,318 --> 00:55:42,778
Just perfect.

1528
00:55:42,944 --> 00:55:44,654
- You never hear that.
- You certainly don't.

1529
00:55:45,906 --> 00:55:48,617
Yep. Being here must bring back
all kinds of memories, I'm sure.

1530
00:55:48,784 --> 00:55:49,951
Sure, sure. Yeah.

1531
00:55:50,118 --> 00:55:52,162
Used to call this
the RCA Radio Tower.

1532
00:55:52,329 --> 00:55:53,955
Radio, that wonderful invention

1533
00:55:53,955 --> 00:55:55,624
by which I could reach
a million people.

1534
00:55:55,791 --> 00:55:57,542
Who fortunately
couldn't reach me.

1535
00:55:57,709 --> 00:56:01,880
You know, Milt's TV show
once pulled a 97 share.

1536
00:56:02,047 --> 00:56:06,343
97% of the American audience
was watching Uncle Miltie.

1537
00:56:06,510 --> 00:56:08,512
Do you ever miss
being Mr. Television?

1538
00:56:09,846 --> 00:56:11,264
What is he talking about?

1539
00:56:11,431 --> 00:56:12,432
Lorne...

1540
00:56:12,599 --> 00:56:14,976
Milton remains
one of the Peacock's

1541
00:56:14,976 --> 00:56:16,603
most colorful feathers.

1542
00:56:16,770 --> 00:56:18,396
- It's quite a feather.
- Of course, of course.

1543
00:56:18,563 --> 00:56:20,607
And I'm looking forward
to hosting your show.

1544
00:56:21,316 --> 00:56:23,110
Well, we'd be honored.

1545
00:56:23,401 --> 00:56:25,112
I think there's still so many
decisions we'd have to make.

1546
00:56:25,278 --> 00:56:26,404
MILTON:
I'm hearing episode five.

1547
00:56:26,571 --> 00:56:29,658
TEBET: The boys upstairs love it
and the affiliates ate it up.

1548
00:56:29,825 --> 00:56:30,992
MILTON: Well,
they're the real boss.

1549
00:56:31,159 --> 00:56:32,953
LORNE: Right.
Well, it is a late show.

1550
00:56:32,953 --> 00:56:34,371
Are you suited for midnight?

1551
00:56:34,830 --> 00:56:38,333
[CHUCKLES] At 67,
I still feel like a 20-year-old.

1552
00:56:38,500 --> 00:56:40,418
Unfortunately,
there's never one around.

1553
00:56:40,418 --> 00:56:42,087
[CHUCKLES] Your reputation
precedes you.

1554
00:56:42,254 --> 00:56:44,965
Yeah, by about 11 inches.
Excuse me a second.

1555
00:56:47,509 --> 00:56:49,177
Any sign of Belushi?

1556
00:56:49,803 --> 00:56:50,846
John?

1557
00:56:51,012 --> 00:56:52,430
I believe he's in wardrobe. Why?

1558
00:56:52,597 --> 00:56:54,641
Legal is frantic
for his paperwork.

1559
00:56:54,808 --> 00:56:55,934
That's strange.
I'll look into it.

1560
00:56:56,101 --> 00:56:57,561
Lorne, I can only imagine...

1561
00:56:57,727 --> 00:56:59,312
what must be running
through your mind.

1562
00:56:59,479 --> 00:57:01,815
The thought,
no matter how improbable...

1563
00:57:01,982 --> 00:57:03,650
that you might
not make it to air.

1564
00:57:03,817 --> 00:57:05,652
- Hadn't even occurred to me.
- Really?

1565
00:57:05,819 --> 00:57:08,864
I heard that you were having
some technical difficulties.

1566
00:57:09,030 --> 00:57:10,031
None that I know of.

1567
00:57:10,532 --> 00:57:11,533
What the fuck?

1568
00:57:11,700 --> 00:57:12,784
I just heard that...

1569
00:57:12,951 --> 00:57:14,536
your writers were stoned...

1570
00:57:14,703 --> 00:57:16,705
your actors were physically
assaulting each other.

1571
00:57:17,706 --> 00:57:18,790
The sound system was down.

1572
00:57:18,957 --> 00:57:20,083
What the hell
is happening? What...

1573
00:57:20,250 --> 00:57:21,585
And a fire broke out earlier.

1574
00:57:21,585 --> 00:57:22,711
- [CRACKLES]
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

1575
00:57:24,921 --> 00:57:27,632
I've been doing this job
a long time. I've seen it all.

1576
00:57:29,593 --> 00:57:31,803
I'm sure you have it
all under control.

1577
00:57:33,388 --> 00:57:35,182
Minor issues, already addressed.

1578
00:57:35,724 --> 00:57:36,725
That's reassuring.

1579
00:57:36,892 --> 00:57:39,186
This whole conversation
is a soothing shower of relief.

1580
00:57:39,352 --> 00:57:41,021
Hey, good, good. Look.

1581
00:57:41,188 --> 00:57:43,607
If for some reason
you can't lock your script...

1582
00:57:44,608 --> 00:57:47,444
or commit your cast
to legally binding contracts...

1583
00:57:47,611 --> 00:57:48,862
rest assured...

1584
00:57:49,362 --> 00:57:52,199
the country will be
happy to watch Johnny Carson.

1585
00:57:53,575 --> 00:57:56,077
Well, we could always play
the tape of dress rehearsal.

1586
00:57:56,244 --> 00:57:57,913
Worst-case scenario.

1587
00:57:59,164 --> 00:58:00,582
That's not the worst case.

1588
00:58:01,875 --> 00:58:03,001
[KNOCKS]

1589
00:58:17,140 --> 00:58:19,184
VALRI: Fuck me.
That's a lot of cards.

1590
00:58:19,768 --> 00:58:21,895
Yeah. What's the fastest you can
do your set? Top to bottom.

1591
00:58:22,062 --> 00:58:23,230
- Five minutes.
- Yeah, me too.

1592
00:58:23,396 --> 00:58:24,856
- Could you do it in four?
- Probably.

1593
00:58:25,023 --> 00:58:26,024
Yeah, me too.

1594
00:58:27,817 --> 00:58:29,569
So, look,
they're gonna offer us three...

1595
00:58:30,153 --> 00:58:31,738
but we got to draw the line
at four. All right?

1596
00:58:32,489 --> 00:58:34,616
Okay. I want to do the show.

1597
00:58:34,783 --> 00:58:36,576
Yeah, we're doing the show.
We just can't get jerked around.

1598
00:58:36,743 --> 00:58:37,744
- That's all.
- But we're doing the show?

1599
00:58:37,911 --> 00:58:39,371
Of course, we're doing the show.
We just got to be

1600
00:58:39,371 --> 00:58:40,997
- in this together.
- Okay.

1601
00:58:42,666 --> 00:58:43,792
JANE: <i>Neil, sweetie.</i>

1602
00:58:43,959 --> 00:58:45,585
- Is everything okay in there?
- LARAINE: Hello?

1603
00:58:45,752 --> 00:58:48,004
Special delivery for Neil Levy.
Flowers.

1604
00:58:48,171 --> 00:58:49,422
- Candygram.
- DAN: What's with the convention?

1605
00:58:49,589 --> 00:58:51,174
Neil, it's your mother.
Open the door!

1606
00:58:51,341 --> 00:58:53,718
BILLY: Don't say that. He's gonna
believe you if you say that.

1607
00:58:53,885 --> 00:58:56,263
Hey, Neil. Buddy.
You freaking out in there?

1608
00:58:56,429 --> 00:58:58,473
NEIL: I took a hit
in the departure lounge.

1609
00:58:58,640 --> 00:59:00,267
All right. Whose grass was it?

1610
00:59:00,433 --> 00:59:01,851
NEIL: One of the horn players.

1611
00:59:02,018 --> 00:59:03,103
Oh, degenerates.

1612
00:59:03,270 --> 00:59:04,938
That's a potent dragon
you're riding there, kid.

1613
00:59:04,938 --> 00:59:06,648
What you smoked
was a sacred strain from...

1614
00:59:06,648 --> 00:59:08,149
the Isaan plateau in Thailand,
I believe.

1615
00:59:08,149 --> 00:59:09,234
The best plateau.

1616
00:59:09,234 --> 00:59:10,318
Make no mistake about it,

1617
00:59:10,318 --> 00:59:12,028
that stick's probably stronger
than a bull elephant.

1618
00:59:12,028 --> 00:59:14,489
But, listen, we're all a little
freaked out so...

1619
00:59:14,489 --> 00:59:15,615
- BILLY: I'm freaked out.
- Why don't you come out...

1620
00:59:15,615 --> 00:59:17,075
and we can check on your face...

1621
00:59:17,075 --> 00:59:18,326
make sure it's not
inside out, okay?

1622
00:59:18,326 --> 00:59:19,953
- LARAINE: Come on, Neil.
- Show us your face, Neil!

1623
00:59:19,953 --> 00:59:21,329
Come on, there's nothing
to be afraid of.

1624
00:59:21,329 --> 00:59:23,206
- Come on.
- Come on out, Neil.

1625
00:59:24,499 --> 00:59:26,251
- Oh, God!
- [LAUGHTER]

1626
00:59:26,918 --> 00:59:28,795
No. I'm just kidding. Look.
You're gonna be fine.

1627
00:59:28,795 --> 00:59:30,130
We'll fix you up
with some amphetamines.

1628
00:59:30,130 --> 00:59:31,214
You'll be fit as a flea.

1629
00:59:31,214 --> 00:59:33,049
You might even like the stuff.
Cocaine.

1630
00:59:33,049 --> 00:59:34,426
Robert Louis Stevenson
actually did

1631
00:59:34,426 --> 00:59:35,593
some of his best writing
on the nose candy.

1632
00:59:35,593 --> 00:59:37,429
- Oh, Bobby.
- Not a lot of people know that.

1633
00:59:37,595 --> 00:59:38,763
Yeah, he was a big freak...

1634
00:59:38,763 --> 00:59:39,848
- for the Peruvian Lady.
- BARBARA: Hey!

1635
00:59:39,848 --> 00:59:40,932
We need everyone in togas!

1636
00:59:40,932 --> 00:59:42,809
Everyone down
to the eighth floor now!

1637
00:59:43,351 --> 00:59:45,312
[ALL CHEERING]

1638
00:59:47,022 --> 00:59:48,356
I'm not in a toga!

1639
00:59:48,356 --> 00:59:50,191
[NEIL SCREAMING]

1640
00:59:54,654 --> 00:59:56,323
[EXCITED CHATTER]

1641
01:00:02,495 --> 01:00:05,165
GARRETT: Okay, okay.
But why are we yelling?

1642
01:00:07,751 --> 01:00:10,128
DAVE: Rocky, there's no way these
kids are gonna hit their marks.

1643
01:00:10,295 --> 01:00:12,964
So you better be wide enough
to catch 'em all. We got that?

1644
01:00:13,131 --> 01:00:15,216
Hey, did Rosie tell you
what she wants for her credit?

1645
01:00:15,800 --> 01:00:17,510
Oh. Uh...

1646
01:00:17,510 --> 01:00:19,721
She was of two minds...

1647
01:00:23,224 --> 01:00:24,851
What is this? Why are you
cueing up Carson? Who is that?

1648
01:00:25,602 --> 01:00:26,936
I think that's Tony Curtis.

1649
01:00:27,103 --> 01:00:29,356
That's pretty normal right
before a live show, right, Dave?

1650
01:00:29,522 --> 01:00:31,483
Yeah. If anything goes wrong,
we bump to tape.

1651
01:00:31,649 --> 01:00:32,776
- See?
- Right.

1652
01:00:32,942 --> 01:00:34,611
Lorne! Lorne.
We found a lighting director.

1653
01:00:34,944 --> 01:00:35,945
LORNE: Great. Go get him.

1654
01:00:36,112 --> 01:00:37,655
No, he's lighting
a show right now.

1655
01:00:37,655 --> 01:00:39,032
This will take some massaging.

1656
01:00:39,199 --> 01:00:40,200
We don't have...

1657
01:00:42,118 --> 01:00:43,119
What floor?

1658
01:00:44,037 --> 01:00:46,539
It's down on the sixth floor.
Some variety show.

1659
01:00:46,706 --> 01:00:48,583
- And he knows I'm coming?
- Uh...

1660
01:00:49,876 --> 01:00:52,253
- Say, Lorne. This a bad time?
- LORNE: Perfect time, Garrett.

1661
01:00:52,420 --> 01:00:53,922
Okay, I've been thinkin'.

1662
01:00:54,089 --> 01:00:56,132
Why did you hire me?

1663
01:00:56,299 --> 01:00:57,342
You were cheap.

1664
01:00:57,342 --> 01:00:58,426
GARRETT: Really?

1665
01:00:58,593 --> 01:01:00,136
I'm being ironical, Garrett.

1666
01:01:00,970 --> 01:01:01,971
The fuck?

1667
01:01:06,226 --> 01:01:07,227
Hey, Garrett.

1668
01:01:07,852 --> 01:01:08,853
What's wrong?

1669
01:01:09,145 --> 01:01:11,314
[SIGHS] Nothin'. I'm just...

1670
01:01:12,273 --> 01:01:14,359
Just trying to figure out
exactly what it is

1671
01:01:14,359 --> 01:01:15,568
I am doing here.

1672
01:01:15,735 --> 01:01:16,986
Aw, what do you mean?

1673
01:01:17,404 --> 01:01:18,655
You know...

1674
01:01:18,822 --> 01:01:21,533
I just can't help but feeling
a little bit like an outsider.

1675
01:01:21,699 --> 01:01:23,118
Because you're so much older?

1676
01:01:23,284 --> 01:01:24,285
What?

1677
01:01:25,120 --> 01:01:27,288
I went to Juilliard.

1678
01:01:27,705 --> 01:01:29,666
I've been on Broadway.
I'm a published playwright.

1679
01:01:29,833 --> 01:01:33,420
Man, they got me buzzin' around
here in a goddamn bee suit...

1680
01:01:33,586 --> 01:01:35,463
and wavin' a gun around
like I'm some kind of hoodlum.

1681
01:01:35,630 --> 01:01:37,674
These are not my strengths, man.

1682
01:01:37,841 --> 01:01:39,801
I am being under-utilized...

1683
01:01:39,968 --> 01:01:41,094
which makes me ponder...

1684
01:01:41,261 --> 01:01:43,263
what am I doing here?

1685
01:01:44,013 --> 01:01:45,265
You know how many operas
I've done?

1686
01:01:45,640 --> 01:01:47,100
- I have no idea, Garrett.
- Shit...

1687
01:01:47,267 --> 01:01:48,768
while Danny and Laraine
were eatin' Froot Loops...

1688
01:01:48,935 --> 01:01:53,648
I was performing
<i>La Traviata</i> in Italian.

1689
01:01:53,815 --> 01:01:54,816
Ya dig?

1690
01:01:54,983 --> 01:01:57,193
Of course, I dig, Garrett.

1691
01:01:57,944 --> 01:01:58,778
But, uh...

1692
01:01:59,821 --> 01:02:02,240
no one is saying
you can't sing on the show.

1693
01:02:02,407 --> 01:02:03,408
Right?

1694
01:02:05,994 --> 01:02:06,995
{\an8}[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

1695
01:02:10,165 --> 01:02:11,207
Where's the <i>Rumpus</i> room?

1696
01:02:11,374 --> 01:02:13,918
TOGETHER:
<i>♪ Down on the right ♪</i>

1697
01:02:16,713 --> 01:02:18,298
Oh. Whoa. Pardon me.

1698
01:02:24,179 --> 01:02:26,139
[BELL RINGS]

1699
01:02:26,139 --> 01:02:28,475
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- WOMAN: And three, two...

1700
01:02:30,226 --> 01:02:32,228
[MUSIC PLAYING]

1701
01:02:36,649 --> 01:02:40,236
And we...
Seven, eight, and blocking!

1702
01:02:41,613 --> 01:02:44,699
Five, six... Uh-oh!

1703
01:02:45,283 --> 01:02:46,284
Smile!

1704
01:03:21,945 --> 01:03:23,488
[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]

1705
01:03:31,788 --> 01:03:33,998
Hey! You little fucker.

1706
01:03:34,582 --> 01:03:36,125
Get your head out of your ass.

1707
01:03:36,292 --> 01:03:39,212
Prep the cupcake lights
and bring up the glitter, Carl.

1708
01:03:40,129 --> 01:03:41,130
Carl?

1709
01:03:41,798 --> 01:03:42,924
I have a job offer.

1710
01:03:43,508 --> 01:03:46,010
Comes with no guarantees,
no perks, and no weekends.

1711
01:03:47,554 --> 01:03:48,555
How's the pay?

1712
01:03:50,306 --> 01:03:51,558
That's the worst part.

1713
01:03:56,104 --> 01:03:57,105
MAN: What the fuck?

1714
01:03:57,272 --> 01:03:58,314
- When do you start?
- LORNE: Right now.

1715
01:03:58,481 --> 01:04:01,401
MAN: Send me a postcard from
the gutter, you little shit.

1716
01:04:13,246 --> 01:04:14,330
Rosie, you seen Jackie?

1717
01:04:14,497 --> 01:04:15,873
No. Sorry.

1718
01:04:16,040 --> 01:04:17,584
Knock, knock.

1719
01:04:18,126 --> 01:04:20,253
- Hi.
- Hi, stud. Can I see?

1720
01:04:20,420 --> 01:04:21,796
Can you get Chevy
to do this one?

1721
01:04:21,963 --> 01:04:24,007
No way. You look so sexy.

1722
01:04:24,173 --> 01:04:26,467
Hey. These can't be
the right size.

1723
01:04:26,634 --> 01:04:28,803
Yeah, you're right. They should
be a little bit smaller.

1724
01:04:28,803 --> 01:04:29,721
[LAUGHTER]

1725
01:04:29,721 --> 01:04:31,139
DAN: This feels like
it's a lot of leg.

1726
01:04:31,306 --> 01:04:32,599
ROSIE: You kidding, hot stuff?

1727
01:04:32,765 --> 01:04:33,933
You're gonna melt
every TV in America.

1728
01:04:33,933 --> 01:04:35,059
- DAN: Oh, yeah?
- Uh, yeah.

1729
01:04:35,059 --> 01:04:36,769
You know, ma'am, you are dealing

1730
01:04:36,769 --> 01:04:38,104
with a fully-qualified
male strumpet here.

1731
01:04:38,104 --> 01:04:39,188
ROSIE: Oh. Male?

1732
01:04:39,188 --> 01:04:40,440
DAN: I've actually got
a work order...

1733
01:04:40,440 --> 01:04:44,027
stating I should be
rogering you roundly right now!

1734
01:04:44,193 --> 01:04:45,612
LORNE: Hey,
have you guys seen John?

1735
01:04:46,446 --> 01:04:48,906
No, I haven't seen him. Danny?

1736
01:04:49,073 --> 01:04:50,533
- Have you seen John?
- Yeah? John.

1737
01:04:50,700 --> 01:04:53,620
Well, John's an anarchist
and an Illinois alpha male.

1738
01:04:54,287 --> 01:04:55,371
What does that mean?

1739
01:04:55,788 --> 01:04:57,874
Oh. Uh, well,
see, boss, you and I,

1740
01:04:57,874 --> 01:04:59,250
if we were
to enter this space...

1741
01:04:59,417 --> 01:05:01,252
we'd be like
15th century peasants

1742
01:05:01,252 --> 01:05:02,378
walking into the Vatican...

1743
01:05:02,378 --> 01:05:04,088
but Belushi's
a whole other animal.

1744
01:05:04,255 --> 01:05:06,007
He's a skeptic and a sinner.

1745
01:05:06,174 --> 01:05:07,634
I'd give O'Houlihans a recce.

1746
01:05:08,009 --> 01:05:09,636
- He's at the bar next door.
- LORNE: Ah.

1747
01:05:09,969 --> 01:05:12,930
Um, Barbara's still asking
about your credit on the show.

1748
01:05:13,097 --> 01:05:14,140
ROSIE: Whatever you think.

1749
01:05:14,307 --> 01:05:15,516
It's your name, Rose.

1750
01:05:17,560 --> 01:05:18,686
Has he only gotten that far?

1751
01:05:19,103 --> 01:05:21,439
We'd like to help,
but we're rootin' for the guy.

1752
01:05:21,606 --> 01:05:23,232
Well, at least
your heart's in it.

1753
01:05:23,399 --> 01:05:25,068
Hey, you seen Jacqueline,
my fiancée?

1754
01:05:25,234 --> 01:05:26,903
No, I haven't seen shit!

1755
01:05:27,654 --> 01:05:29,572
Ladies, have you seen Jackie?

1756
01:05:29,739 --> 01:05:30,740
- WOMAN: No. Sorry.
- JOE: All right, change of plans.

1757
01:05:30,907 --> 01:05:32,200
We're skippin' Ancient Greece

1758
01:05:32,200 --> 01:05:33,993
and we're movin'
into the break room.

1759
01:05:34,160 --> 01:05:35,286
Ladies, I need you
in your hard hats.

1760
01:05:35,453 --> 01:05:36,788
- Okay? Right now. Come on.
- [BOTH GROAN]

1761
01:05:36,954 --> 01:05:39,082
I don't want to change.

1762
01:05:39,248 --> 01:05:40,833
Are we good? Is he all right?

1763
01:05:41,000 --> 01:05:42,710
Yeah. Yeah. Danny, I mean...

1764
01:05:42,710 --> 01:05:44,128
whatever's going on
between you and me

1765
01:05:44,128 --> 01:05:45,838
is the last thing
on his mind right now.

1766
01:05:46,005 --> 01:05:48,049
So the man doesn't wrestle
with the green-eyed monster?

1767
01:05:48,216 --> 01:05:50,134
Hardly. I mean, look,
I've known Lorne

1768
01:05:50,134 --> 01:05:51,803
since I had toilet paper tits.

1769
01:05:52,637 --> 01:05:54,263
One day, he just followed me
home from school

1770
01:05:54,263 --> 01:05:56,057
- and I never shook him.
- Pretty sure

1771
01:05:56,057 --> 01:05:57,767
- you can be arrested for that.
- MOOSE: Look out, Rosie!

1772
01:05:57,767 --> 01:05:59,102
Sorry, Moose.

1773
01:05:59,977 --> 01:06:01,229
Anyways, I don't know,

1774
01:06:01,229 --> 01:06:03,898
Lorne lost his dad
when he was 14...

1775
01:06:04,065 --> 01:06:05,650
and his mom sold everything...

1776
01:06:05,817 --> 01:06:08,236
and so he spent a whole year
without furniture.

1777
01:06:08,403 --> 01:06:09,987
So when I first met him,
I thought...

1778
01:06:10,154 --> 01:06:13,825
he's just a stray looking for
a spare piece of carpet...

1779
01:06:14,534 --> 01:06:16,244
like, he wants to be
a part of my family...

1780
01:06:16,411 --> 01:06:18,913
and I'm the kid sister
or something.

1781
01:06:19,664 --> 01:06:21,666
But then, hormones.

1782
01:06:21,833 --> 01:06:23,793
Turns out,
I'm not the kid sister...

1783
01:06:24,293 --> 01:06:27,463
and so we start dating
and I think...

1784
01:06:28,172 --> 01:06:31,008
"Okay, he wants to build
a family with me."

1785
01:06:31,426 --> 01:06:33,720
And we get married,
we buy a house.

1786
01:06:33,886 --> 01:06:35,763
I mean, no ring.
I think those are pretty stupid.

1787
01:06:35,930 --> 01:06:38,266
But linens and china.

1788
01:06:39,642 --> 01:06:42,145
And then it turns out...

1789
01:06:42,311 --> 01:06:44,647
I'm not the kid sister
or the wife.

1790
01:06:45,273 --> 01:06:46,274
DAN: So who are ya?

1791
01:06:46,733 --> 01:06:48,025
ROSIE: I'm the writer.

1792
01:06:48,192 --> 01:06:50,236
JOE: All right,
rehearsal's moments away.

1793
01:06:50,403 --> 01:06:51,738
DAN: And who's he?

1794
01:06:51,904 --> 01:06:54,532
We take you now
to Ancient Greece.

1795
01:06:54,532 --> 01:06:56,033
JOE: Not yet, Don.
It's the wrong sketch, buddy.

1796
01:06:56,033 --> 01:06:57,493
Can I get you
behind the lockers?

1797
01:06:57,660 --> 01:06:58,995
Yeah.

1798
01:07:00,455 --> 01:07:01,998
And try sitting like men.

1799
01:07:02,498 --> 01:07:03,499
- Oh, yeah.
- ROSIE: Perfect.

1800
01:07:03,666 --> 01:07:05,877
Okay. Hair and makeup, clear.

1801
01:07:06,169 --> 01:07:07,295
Clearing.

1802
01:07:07,462 --> 01:07:09,130
Please get the fuck out.
Thank you.

1803
01:07:09,297 --> 01:07:11,466
Okay, and action!

1804
01:07:11,466 --> 01:07:12,425
[LOCKER CLANGS]

1805
01:07:13,259 --> 01:07:16,262
Now that you've mastered
all the technical know-how...

1806
01:07:16,429 --> 01:07:19,599
I think it's time
we work on your sidewalk skills.

1807
01:07:19,766 --> 01:07:20,892
All right.

1808
01:07:21,392 --> 01:07:23,686
Daniel over here
has kindly offered...

1809
01:07:23,853 --> 01:07:26,939
to aid us
in a live demonstration.

1810
01:07:27,106 --> 01:07:28,775
Come on out, Danny.

1811
01:07:29,942 --> 01:07:31,402
Danny, enter.

1812
01:07:34,614 --> 01:07:35,448
[LAUGHTER]

1813
01:07:35,448 --> 01:07:37,450
ROSIE: No, you got
to take off the robe.

1814
01:07:37,450 --> 01:07:39,243
I can lose it on the day.
I figured I'd rehearse with...

1815
01:07:39,243 --> 01:07:41,162
No. You can lose
the robe right now.

1816
01:07:44,916 --> 01:07:47,376
[ALL CHEERING]

1817
01:07:47,376 --> 01:07:48,878
The shorts are too short.

1818
01:07:50,505 --> 01:07:52,715
Now, when
a little piece-a heaven

1819
01:07:52,715 --> 01:07:55,384
- like Danny walks by...
- Now strut.

1820
01:07:56,636 --> 01:07:58,095
- Here's how you make him feel...
- Right.

1821
01:07:58,095 --> 01:07:59,305
GILDA: ...right at home.

1822
01:07:59,305 --> 01:08:00,264
[LAUGHTER]

1823
01:08:00,264 --> 01:08:03,184
- Voom, va-va voom! Va-va voom!
- [ALL CHEERING]

1824
01:08:03,351 --> 01:08:04,936
Show him how to do it, Gilda!

1825
01:08:05,186 --> 01:08:06,312
- Yeah!
- GILDA: Come on, Jane.

1826
01:08:06,479 --> 01:08:08,231
- Give it to him.
- All right.

1827
01:08:09,398 --> 01:08:10,608
Hey, dreamboat.

1828
01:08:11,150 --> 01:08:13,986
What's the matter? Why don't
you give me a little twirl?

1829
01:08:14,153 --> 01:08:17,156
Show me
what you're workin' with.

1830
01:08:17,156 --> 01:08:19,242
[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

1831
01:08:20,618 --> 01:08:21,828
GILDA: Okay,
give it to him, Laraine.

1832
01:08:26,249 --> 01:08:28,876
Hey, stud muffins, want to
make bouncy bouncy?

1833
01:08:28,876 --> 01:08:30,294
[LAUGHTER]

1834
01:08:30,294 --> 01:08:31,420
Are we still doing the scene?
Or...

1835
01:08:31,420 --> 01:08:32,547
What are ya talkin' to her for?

1836
01:08:32,547 --> 01:08:33,840
You're talkin' to me,
joy chunks.

1837
01:08:33,840 --> 01:08:35,174
ROSIE: Stay in character, please.

1838
01:08:35,341 --> 01:08:37,093
- Hey.
- GILDA: Come on, baby.

1839
01:08:37,260 --> 01:08:39,053
LARAINE: Ya dropped somethin'.

1840
01:08:39,053 --> 01:08:40,680
ALL: Whoa!

1841
01:08:41,681 --> 01:08:43,182
Well, I guess
I should just pick this up.

1842
01:08:43,182 --> 01:08:45,476
[ALL CHEERING, LAUGHING]

1843
01:08:49,146 --> 01:08:50,857
All right, all right. All right.

1844
01:08:51,023 --> 01:08:52,024
They are so cute

1845
01:08:52,024 --> 01:08:53,568
- when they're mad!
- All right, thank you.

1846
01:08:53,568 --> 01:08:54,902
Okay, cut.

1847
01:08:54,902 --> 01:08:56,404
[APPLAUSE]

1848
01:08:57,405 --> 01:08:59,031
The shorts are too short.
I told ya.

1849
01:08:59,782 --> 01:09:02,577
Here you go.
It was a great scene.

1850
01:09:03,077 --> 01:09:04,078
- Yeah, strumpet.
- Thanks.

1851
01:09:04,245 --> 01:09:05,913
JOE: All right,
and we're movin' on.

1852
01:09:05,913 --> 01:09:07,081
Great rehearsal. Here we go.

1853
01:09:07,248 --> 01:09:09,917
We take you now
to Ancient Greece...

1854
01:09:10,084 --> 01:09:11,460
as Alexander the Great...

1855
01:09:11,627 --> 01:09:14,046
attends his ten-year
high school reunion.

1856
01:09:14,213 --> 01:09:15,798
Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie?

1857
01:09:17,383 --> 01:09:18,426
Gentlemen, you seen Jackie?

1858
01:09:21,637 --> 01:09:23,222
JACQUELINE: Look at that.
My goodness.

1859
01:09:23,389 --> 01:09:24,807
Hey, hon.
They need us in Athens.

1860
01:09:24,974 --> 01:09:26,058
MILTON: Jesus, who's this guy?

1861
01:09:26,225 --> 01:09:27,727
Chevy, Milton taped
a show here...

1862
01:09:27,894 --> 01:09:30,229
- back in 1956, isn't that neat?
- Ooh!

1863
01:09:30,396 --> 01:09:31,439
She's taken.

1864
01:09:31,606 --> 01:09:33,482
What hours? I'll take
the rest of the evening.

1865
01:09:33,649 --> 01:09:34,859
- Excuse me?
- JACQUELINE: He's kidding.

1866
01:09:35,026 --> 01:09:36,110
Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding.

1867
01:09:36,277 --> 01:09:37,278
CHEVY: Oh, that's cute.

1868
01:09:37,445 --> 01:09:38,988
I remember
when you used to do comedy.

1869
01:09:39,155 --> 01:09:40,573
Funny, 'cause I never
heard of you.

1870
01:09:40,740 --> 01:09:42,366
That's probably the Alzheimer's.

1871
01:09:43,200 --> 01:09:44,660
What's the matter,
did you wander off

1872
01:09:44,660 --> 01:09:46,996
- onto an actual TV set?
- [CHUCKLES]

1873
01:09:47,455 --> 01:09:48,581
Hey, darling, you're sitting

1874
01:09:48,581 --> 01:09:50,374
in front of the Ghost
of Television Past.

1875
01:09:50,541 --> 01:09:51,542
This old man...

1876
01:09:51,709 --> 01:09:53,502
he used to be an institution.
Now he needs one.

1877
01:09:55,379 --> 01:09:57,256
If you want my comeback,
you're gonna have to scrape it

1878
01:09:57,256 --> 01:09:59,091
off the back
of your mom's teeth.

1879
01:09:59,258 --> 01:10:00,426
[CHUCKLES] Jesus.

1880
01:10:02,219 --> 01:10:03,262
You're gonna laugh at that?

1881
01:10:03,262 --> 01:10:04,430
MILTON: Listen, sweetheart.

1882
01:10:04,597 --> 01:10:06,390
There's plenty more
where that came from.

1883
01:10:07,850 --> 01:10:08,851
God.

1884
01:10:10,478 --> 01:10:11,312
Oh.

1885
01:10:11,896 --> 01:10:13,314
Do I have your attention?

1886
01:10:16,776 --> 01:10:17,610
[CHUCKLES]

1887
01:10:19,236 --> 01:10:21,155
I have two stars
on the Walk of Fame.

1888
01:10:21,155 --> 01:10:22,782
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah. Who gives a shit?

1889
01:10:22,782 --> 01:10:23,824
CHEVY: Hmm.

1890
01:10:23,824 --> 01:10:25,034
MILTON: I once held 97%...

1891
01:10:25,201 --> 01:10:27,620
of America's television
viewing audience.

1892
01:10:29,914 --> 01:10:31,499
That's not
what they're gonna remember.

1893
01:10:32,500 --> 01:10:34,710
They're gonna remember
Mr. Television.

1894
01:10:35,670 --> 01:10:37,129
Their Uncle Miltie.

1895
01:10:39,090 --> 01:10:40,383
Who the fuck are you, kid?

1896
01:10:42,134 --> 01:10:43,219
You're not a star.

1897
01:10:45,096 --> 01:10:47,098
You're barely
in the fucking building.

1898
01:10:47,431 --> 01:10:48,349
[SCOFFS]

1899
01:10:50,601 --> 01:10:52,186
You're not even a swingin' dick.

1900
01:10:53,020 --> 01:10:53,938
[ZIPPING]

1901
01:10:55,231 --> 01:10:56,816
Call me after he's done crying.

1902
01:10:56,983 --> 01:10:59,360
GEORGE: Are you shitting me?

1903
01:10:59,527 --> 01:11:01,112
Are you shitting me
with this costume?

1904
01:11:01,278 --> 01:11:02,279
Can you make a path?

1905
01:11:02,279 --> 01:11:03,990
There's an actual comedian
coming through.

1906
01:11:04,156 --> 01:11:05,616
Wow. Look at these columns.

1907
01:11:05,783 --> 01:11:07,368
I feel transported. Oh!

1908
01:11:07,952 --> 01:11:09,662
Hey, George. How can I help?

1909
01:11:10,246 --> 01:11:12,206
So, what is this?

1910
01:11:12,373 --> 01:11:14,917
Why am I dressed like a fuckin'
towel boy from Caesar's?

1911
01:11:15,084 --> 01:11:17,420
Well, I believe you're
Alexander the Great at his...

1912
01:11:17,586 --> 01:11:19,046
Ten-year high school reunion.

1913
01:11:19,213 --> 01:11:20,214
- Thank you, Don.
- Exactly.

1914
01:11:20,381 --> 01:11:21,549
So, when Chevy asks
what you've been up to...

1915
01:11:21,716 --> 01:11:22,967
your response is, "You know...

1916
01:11:23,134 --> 01:11:25,636
"mostly conquering
the known universe." [CHUCKLES]

1917
01:11:26,762 --> 01:11:28,514
Right.
And this is for television.

1918
01:11:28,514 --> 01:11:30,016
- Right.
- What's your concern, George?

1919
01:11:30,182 --> 01:11:31,308
My real concern is
why I let my agent

1920
01:11:31,308 --> 01:11:32,393
convince me to do your show.

1921
01:11:32,393 --> 01:11:33,477
Do you need some help
with the script?

1922
01:11:33,644 --> 01:11:35,312
I'd just love to know
where the humor is.

1923
01:11:35,479 --> 01:11:37,440
It's like a Spruce Goose.
It's a lot of wood, no lift off.

1924
01:11:37,440 --> 01:11:38,566
LORNE: Well, we can rewrite.
I mean, we have...

1925
01:11:38,566 --> 01:11:39,650
Is that right?

1926
01:11:39,650 --> 01:11:40,818
- Jesus Christ.
- Great.

1927
01:11:40,985 --> 01:11:42,528
- We could find...
- No, no, no. George, I hear you.

1928
01:11:42,528 --> 01:11:44,113
- LORNE: We want to make it work.
- I think I understand

1929
01:11:44,113 --> 01:11:45,948
the reason
you might be struggling.

1930
01:11:46,657 --> 01:11:48,034
You see, these are scenes.

1931
01:11:48,200 --> 01:11:49,201
Well, sketches.

1932
01:11:49,201 --> 01:11:51,078
- They revolve around acting.
- Michael...

1933
01:11:51,245 --> 01:11:52,246
And that must feel foreign

1934
01:11:52,246 --> 01:11:53,330
when you're
a ponytailed vulture...

1935
01:11:53,330 --> 01:11:55,166
feeding off the corpse
of Lenny Bruce.

1936
01:11:55,875 --> 01:11:56,709
[SCOFFS]

1937
01:12:01,005 --> 01:12:02,757
It's okay. He's right.
You're right.

1938
01:12:06,469 --> 01:12:08,095
Because I wouldn't want
to make these skits

1939
01:12:08,095 --> 01:12:10,014
any worse
than they actually are.

1940
01:12:10,473 --> 01:12:13,517
It's a great thing
no one will be watching.

1941
01:12:13,684 --> 01:12:15,853
Enjoy your fucking
little circle jerk.

1942
01:12:16,020 --> 01:12:17,980
- We already are.
- GEORGE: Oh, your mom's here?

1943
01:12:17,980 --> 01:12:18,898
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

1944
01:12:22,068 --> 01:12:23,319
Well, he's in character.

1945
01:12:36,791 --> 01:12:38,417
[CLOCK TICKING]

1946
01:12:46,550 --> 01:12:47,551
LEO: It's shit.

1947
01:13:04,819 --> 01:13:06,153
Lorne, Lorne.

1948
01:13:06,987 --> 01:13:07,988
Lorne.

1949
01:13:08,656 --> 01:13:09,740
Lorne, great news.

1950
01:13:09,907 --> 01:13:11,909
We figured it out. Ready?

1951
01:13:17,498 --> 01:13:18,499
Ta-da.

1952
01:13:19,208 --> 01:13:21,252
- We cut the toga sketch.
- Oh.

1953
01:13:21,919 --> 01:13:23,546
Even without Alexander,
we're still 30 over.

1954
01:13:23,712 --> 01:13:25,798
Maybe we don't need
four musical performances?

1955
01:13:25,965 --> 01:13:27,842
Or maybe we could trim
one of the Carlin monologues.

1956
01:13:28,008 --> 01:13:29,009
Okay.

1957
01:13:36,392 --> 01:13:37,977
What about now?
Are we under now?

1958
01:13:39,145 --> 01:13:40,271
We can make it work.

1959
01:13:40,271 --> 01:13:42,022
[BREATHING HEAVILY]

1960
01:13:45,901 --> 01:13:47,111
Hey, hey, Lorne, Lorne.

1961
01:13:47,278 --> 01:13:50,531
Look, I know it's probably
a bad time and all, but, um...

1962
01:13:51,490 --> 01:13:52,491
but Valri and I
have been talking...

1963
01:13:52,491 --> 01:13:53,576
LORNE: Yeah.

1964
01:13:53,576 --> 01:13:55,661
...and we can't accept anything
less than four minutes a piece.

1965
01:13:55,661 --> 01:13:57,371
So, that's four minutes for me,
four minutes for Valri.

1966
01:13:57,538 --> 01:13:58,747
Look, we've just been...

1967
01:13:59,165 --> 01:14:00,624
working too hard on our material

1968
01:14:00,624 --> 01:14:02,251
to accept
anything less so it's...

1969
01:14:02,960 --> 01:14:04,086
four minutes or nothin'.

1970
01:14:04,336 --> 01:14:05,754
Well, I need two minutes.

1971
01:14:06,130 --> 01:14:07,506
You need me
to cut two minutes of my sketch?

1972
01:14:07,506 --> 01:14:08,591
I could do that, Lorne.

1973
01:14:08,591 --> 01:14:10,134
I mean, that's six minutes only,
you know. I can make that...

1974
01:14:10,301 --> 01:14:11,594
No, I need two minutes
of material.

1975
01:14:12,344 --> 01:14:13,429
It's two minutes or nothing.

1976
01:14:13,846 --> 01:14:15,097
Is this for real? 'Cause...

1977
01:14:15,848 --> 01:14:17,600
Okay, I killed at dress, right?

1978
01:14:17,600 --> 01:14:19,018
I'm the only good act
that killed at dress.

1979
01:14:19,018 --> 01:14:20,102
I can do the show, so...

1980
01:14:20,102 --> 01:14:21,395
Billy, can you make it work
in two minutes?

1981
01:14:21,562 --> 01:14:23,772
- I can't even set it up in two.
- Then I don't know what to say.

1982
01:14:23,939 --> 01:14:25,107
I'm sorry it didn't work out.

1983
01:14:25,566 --> 01:14:26,567
Can you make it in two?

1984
01:14:27,568 --> 01:14:28,903
- Yes.
- Great.

1985
01:14:36,619 --> 01:14:38,037
DICK: Lorne, Lorne.

1986
01:14:38,954 --> 01:14:39,788
Uh...

1987
01:14:41,248 --> 01:14:42,249
I was thinking...

1988
01:14:42,958 --> 01:14:44,168
why don't we punt?

1989
01:14:46,170 --> 01:14:48,881
Come back stronger next week,
debut with Paul Simon.

1990
01:14:49,298 --> 01:14:50,382
That's what
you've been thinking?

1991
01:14:50,549 --> 01:14:53,093
Listen, no one wants this show
to succeed more than I do.

1992
01:14:53,260 --> 01:14:54,261
LORNE: Is that so?

1993
01:14:54,970 --> 01:14:57,014
I mean, yeah,
I hired you, Lorne.

1994
01:14:57,514 --> 01:14:58,933
I take it up the ass
from this network every day...

1995
01:14:59,099 --> 01:15:00,517
because I believe in this show.

1996
01:15:00,684 --> 01:15:02,686
And I'm telling you, we should
run the dress rehearsal...

1997
01:15:02,853 --> 01:15:04,438
and claw back a win
next Saturday.

1998
01:15:04,605 --> 01:15:05,981
It's in everyone's
best interest.

1999
01:15:05,981 --> 01:15:07,233
Mainly yours.

2000
01:15:07,233 --> 01:15:08,609
Sorry. Was that a threat?

2001
01:15:08,776 --> 01:15:10,611
No. What? No.

2002
01:15:10,986 --> 01:15:13,239
Lorne, all I'm trying to do
is give you advice.

2003
01:15:13,405 --> 01:15:14,573
25 minutes!

2004
01:15:15,908 --> 01:15:17,576
Thanks for the advice,
but we can't, Dick.

2005
01:15:17,576 --> 01:15:18,661
It's a live show.

2006
01:15:18,661 --> 01:15:19,745
No one's gonna know
the difference.

2007
01:15:19,745 --> 01:15:21,330
- We just can't.
- Lorne, you need to start

2008
01:15:21,330 --> 01:15:23,332
adjusting your concept of what
you can and cannot do.

2009
01:15:23,332 --> 01:15:24,917
We can't
because there is no tape.

2010
01:15:25,084 --> 01:15:26,794
I didn't record
the dress rehearsal.

2011
01:15:27,461 --> 01:15:29,171
So, we don't have
to argue about it.

2012
01:15:30,547 --> 01:15:31,548
You didn't what?

2013
01:15:32,049 --> 01:15:33,050
We just have to make it to air.

2014
01:15:33,217 --> 01:15:35,052
Lorne, I'm not gonna be able
to protect you.

2015
01:15:35,219 --> 01:15:37,680
- I'm used to that.
- Oh, screw you.

2016
01:15:37,846 --> 01:15:40,224
Do you know how much bullshit
never makes it to your ears?

2017
01:15:40,391 --> 01:15:41,725
Because I'm the wall they hit.

2018
01:15:41,892 --> 01:15:43,686
Tell that to your Polaroid rep.
She's cute.

2019
01:15:43,852 --> 01:15:46,146
I'm sorry you need
a sponsor for a show

2020
01:15:46,146 --> 01:15:47,856
that can't pull
a single advertiser.

2021
01:15:48,023 --> 01:15:49,775
You know they're giving out
the ads for free?

2022
01:15:49,942 --> 01:15:53,279
NBC is lucky to have something
as relevant as this show.

2023
01:15:53,279 --> 01:15:54,613
Lorne, they don't even want it.

2024
01:15:54,613 --> 01:15:55,698
That's logical, Dick. That's why

2025
01:15:55,698 --> 01:15:56,907
they're paying us all
to be here.

2026
01:15:56,907 --> 01:15:58,409
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

2027
01:16:00,703 --> 01:16:02,204
They want you to fail.

2028
01:16:02,621 --> 01:16:03,664
They're betting on it.

2029
01:16:03,664 --> 01:16:04,790
Really?

2030
01:16:04,790 --> 01:16:06,041
NBC makes more money

2031
01:16:06,041 --> 01:16:08,002
playing reruns
of <i>The Tonight Show.</i>

2032
01:16:08,168 --> 01:16:10,337
- So, why don't they?
- It's a contract dispute, Lorne.

2033
01:16:10,504 --> 01:16:12,256
I mean, they're trying
to prove to Johnny Carson

2034
01:16:12,256 --> 01:16:13,841
that the reruns are inevitable.

2035
01:16:14,008 --> 01:16:17,052
So, they built a show
that was guaranteed to fail.

2036
01:16:17,219 --> 01:16:19,263
I mean, Lorne,
90 minutes of live television

2037
01:16:19,263 --> 01:16:20,597
by a group of 20-year-olds...

2038
01:16:20,764 --> 01:16:21,932
who've never made anything.

2039
01:16:22,182 --> 01:16:24,560
Do you ever stop and wonder
why they said yes?

2040
01:16:24,727 --> 01:16:27,646
A counterculture show
starring total unknowns...

2041
01:16:27,813 --> 01:16:30,274
with zero narrative
and even less structure?

2042
01:16:30,441 --> 01:16:32,568
Are you that fucking arrogant...

2043
01:16:33,027 --> 01:16:35,112
that you never
even questioned this?

2044
01:16:38,032 --> 01:16:39,575
Now, look, you want to know
what's gonna happen

2045
01:16:39,575 --> 01:16:41,452
at 11:30 tonight? Okay.

2046
01:16:42,036 --> 01:16:43,329
Your actors
will be on their marks.

2047
01:16:43,495 --> 01:16:45,247
Band's tuned up,
all ready to go.

2048
01:16:45,414 --> 01:16:46,874
Joe will be hollering out
the countdown...

2049
01:16:47,041 --> 01:16:48,250
and you'll be
in the control room...

2050
01:16:48,417 --> 01:16:50,711
and Dave Tebet will be standing
probably right next to you.

2051
01:16:50,878 --> 01:16:52,338
And when
those screens go black...

2052
01:16:52,504 --> 01:16:53,881
he will raise his big-ass,

2053
01:16:53,881 --> 01:16:55,507
jeweled-up index finger
and say...

2054
01:16:55,674 --> 01:16:56,717
"Go to Carson."

2055
01:16:57,092 --> 01:16:58,427
And that will be that.

2056
01:16:59,803 --> 01:17:00,846
You blew it.

2057
01:17:05,309 --> 01:17:07,770
And listen,
I know you all make fun of me...

2058
01:17:07,936 --> 01:17:09,313
and my clothes behind my back.

2059
01:17:10,189 --> 01:17:12,191
But, Lorne, I'm killing myself
for this show.

2060
01:17:14,526 --> 01:17:16,028
Also, Polaroid is cool.

2061
01:17:36,548 --> 01:17:38,675
- Oh, shit! Lorne.
- It worked!

2062
01:17:44,181 --> 01:17:45,474
Nice work, fellas.

2063
01:17:46,725 --> 01:17:48,227
A little heavy on the flow,
but very funny.

2064
01:17:49,353 --> 01:17:50,354
Sorry about the clothes.

2065
01:17:50,521 --> 01:17:51,814
AL: And your face.

2066
01:17:53,732 --> 01:17:58,153
Art is but a measure
of sacrifice and tears.

2067
01:17:59,655 --> 01:18:00,697
Not quite ready for tonight,

2068
01:18:00,697 --> 01:18:02,533
but I'll keep it
on a special list.

2069
01:18:04,326 --> 01:18:06,036
BOTH: "Special list"?

2070
01:18:19,925 --> 01:18:20,926
Lobby.

2071
01:18:25,347 --> 01:18:27,015
This an okay time?

2072
01:18:28,058 --> 01:18:29,059
Ideal.

2073
01:18:29,393 --> 01:18:30,394
Look...

2074
01:18:32,146 --> 01:18:33,605
I know what people say...

2075
01:18:33,772 --> 01:18:36,650
when they see a man
with his arm up a Muppet.

2076
01:18:37,860 --> 01:18:38,694
But...

2077
01:18:39,194 --> 01:18:41,530
this isn't just kid's stuff.

2078
01:18:42,364 --> 01:18:44,241
I believe, deep in my heart...

2079
01:18:44,408 --> 01:18:47,619
that there is room
for high-stakes puppetry...

2080
01:18:47,786 --> 01:18:49,413
on grown-up TV.

2081
01:18:49,663 --> 01:18:52,666
And... I get the sense that...

2082
01:18:52,833 --> 01:18:55,002
some of the writers
on the 17th floor

2083
01:18:55,002 --> 01:18:56,962
don't share that dream.

2084
01:18:59,298 --> 01:19:01,049
You didn't like the pages?

2085
01:19:04,219 --> 01:19:05,637
There were no pages.

2086
01:19:06,472 --> 01:19:08,891
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- That's fair criticism.

2087
01:19:11,101 --> 01:19:12,311
MAN: Free show!

2088
01:19:12,895 --> 01:19:14,021
Free show, sir?

2089
01:19:14,813 --> 01:19:15,814
Free show.

2090
01:19:17,649 --> 01:19:19,735
Plenty of tickets left, guys.
Free show.

2091
01:19:20,152 --> 01:19:21,487
The night's still young.

2092
01:19:22,279 --> 01:19:23,363
Hey, man! How's it going?

2093
01:19:29,119 --> 01:19:31,163
BILLY: Thank you. Long Island.

2094
01:19:31,622 --> 01:19:32,831
Massapequa Park.

2095
01:19:33,290 --> 01:19:34,291
MAN: Hello?

2096
01:19:36,668 --> 01:19:38,670
[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING]

2097
01:19:56,313 --> 01:19:58,440
[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING]

2098
01:20:04,988 --> 01:20:06,532
MAN: <i>My family had trouble
fittin' in</i>

2099
01:20:06,532 --> 01:20:08,116
<i>when they got to America.</i>

2100
01:20:08,283 --> 01:20:09,743
<i>Even though my great-grandfather</i>

2101
01:20:09,743 --> 01:20:11,995
<i>actually fought
in the Civil War...</i>

2102
01:20:12,329 --> 01:20:14,248
<i>he fought for the West.</i>

2103
01:20:14,248 --> 01:20:16,500
- [SIGHS] Jesus Christ.
- MAN: <i>Okay.</i>

2104
01:20:16,667 --> 01:20:18,585
<i>This drunk,
he's in front of the bench.</i>

2105
01:20:18,752 --> 01:20:21,046
<i>The judge says, "Hey, we brought
you in for drinking."</i>

2106
01:20:21,213 --> 01:20:23,257
<i>And the drunk goes,
"Great. What are we havin'?"</i>

2107
01:20:24,967 --> 01:20:28,387
That's not the punch line.
Jesus, fucking bullshit!

2108
01:20:28,554 --> 01:20:29,805
What's happening here?

2109
01:20:30,556 --> 01:20:33,976
I get paid seven bucks a joke,
if it gets a laugh. Which...

2110
01:20:34,351 --> 01:20:36,019
This putz is taking
bulletproof material

2111
01:20:36,019 --> 01:20:37,104
and filling it with lead.

2112
01:20:37,104 --> 01:20:38,313
You wrote his jokes?

2113
01:20:38,313 --> 01:20:40,440
Yeah. I wrote things
that vaguely resemble

2114
01:20:40,440 --> 01:20:41,775
the things that he's saying.

2115
01:20:42,484 --> 01:20:44,736
Why don't you just
perform them yourself?

2116
01:20:45,404 --> 01:20:47,447
Look at me. This is how much
I sweat off-stage.

2117
01:20:47,823 --> 01:20:49,616
MAN: <i>I get home from work
the other night...</i>

2118
01:20:49,992 --> 01:20:52,578
<i>I see my wife in bed
with my best friend.</i>

2119
01:20:52,744 --> 01:20:55,581
<i>I say to him, I go,
"I have to, but you?"</i>

2120
01:20:55,747 --> 01:20:57,457
- Oh, my God.
- How many do you have in here?

2121
01:20:57,624 --> 01:21:00,127
About 1,100.
They're single-spaced.

2122
01:21:00,544 --> 01:21:01,878
Sorry, do you mind
if I go through them?

2123
01:21:02,045 --> 01:21:04,214
<i>- Bring up the next comedian!</i>
- Yeah. Go for it.

2124
01:21:04,381 --> 01:21:05,424
MAN: <i>I'm sure
you'll hate him, too.</i>

2125
01:21:05,424 --> 01:21:07,718
- [CROWD CLAPPING WEAKLY]
- [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

2126
01:21:09,344 --> 01:21:10,345
- Move.
- [CHUCKLES]

2127
01:21:14,057 --> 01:21:16,393
God. That was fuckin' rough.
Shit crowd.

2128
01:21:16,560 --> 01:21:17,894
Yeah, that was it.

2129
01:21:19,563 --> 01:21:20,564
Hey, come on.
What's with the quarters?

2130
01:21:20,731 --> 01:21:23,817
Well, I changed the punch line
from 46 to 49...

2131
01:21:23,984 --> 01:21:25,819
for the line about the Buick.

2132
01:21:25,986 --> 01:21:27,112
Much bigger laugh, by the way.

2133
01:21:27,279 --> 01:21:29,531
So, that means
I only owe you $3.50.

2134
01:21:29,698 --> 01:21:30,699
You want a job?

2135
01:21:30,866 --> 01:21:31,992
That would be great.

2136
01:21:32,159 --> 01:21:33,702
I want a length of rope
and a sturdy beam.

2137
01:21:33,869 --> 01:21:35,787
How much do you need to live?

2138
01:21:35,954 --> 01:21:38,165
I make three bucks an hour
at my day job. Match it.

2139
01:21:38,332 --> 01:21:40,042
Tell him what you really do.
Tell him.

2140
01:21:40,208 --> 01:21:41,460
He's a deli boy.

2141
01:21:41,627 --> 01:21:44,212
Okay? He's a schmuck
in a little paper hat...

2142
01:21:44,212 --> 01:21:46,882
who slices the pastrami
behind the counter.

2143
01:21:46,882 --> 01:21:48,425
[CHUCKLES] And he can
barely do that.

2144
01:21:48,425 --> 01:21:49,718
Tell him what you did
to your finger.

2145
01:21:49,968 --> 01:21:51,553
You're hired. Lorne Michaels.

2146
01:21:51,720 --> 01:21:54,514
- Alan. Zweibel.
- Are you fucking kidding me?

2147
01:21:54,681 --> 01:21:56,058
You'd be better off
buying the pastrami.

2148
01:21:56,224 --> 01:21:57,225
Let's go.

2149
01:21:57,392 --> 01:21:58,602
Wait, what? When do we start?

2150
01:21:58,602 --> 01:22:00,937
Um... Jesus Christ.

2151
01:22:02,439 --> 01:22:04,524
MAN: You can't...
You better not leave.

2152
01:22:05,025 --> 01:22:06,568
This is not
gonna be good for you.

2153
01:22:06,568 --> 01:22:08,654
I was gonna take you to Reno.

2154
01:22:13,659 --> 01:22:14,618
[GILDA LAUGHING]

2155
01:22:16,662 --> 01:22:18,038
GILDA: Look at that form.

2156
01:22:18,705 --> 01:22:19,915
Beautiful.

2157
01:22:21,625 --> 01:22:22,709
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

2158
01:22:31,051 --> 01:22:32,844
You ever have nostalgia
for a moment

2159
01:22:32,844 --> 01:22:34,137
while you're still in it?

2160
01:22:36,515 --> 01:22:38,266
I mean, like...

2161
01:22:39,226 --> 01:22:41,269
You're in the moment,
but you're also...

2162
01:22:41,728 --> 01:22:43,730
looking back on it. Like...

2163
01:22:44,815 --> 01:22:47,484
Right now, I'm here,
but I'm also...

2164
01:22:47,984 --> 01:22:50,696
thinking about this moment
20 years from now.

2165
01:22:50,862 --> 01:22:52,447
We're walking by this ice rink.

2166
01:22:53,532 --> 01:22:54,783
Maybe it's Christmas...

2167
01:22:54,950 --> 01:22:57,994
and our kids are draggin' us
by our pinkies...

2168
01:22:58,453 --> 01:23:01,790
and we got presents loaded
on our shoulders...

2169
01:23:02,708 --> 01:23:04,626
and all we can think about
is this moment,

2170
01:23:04,626 --> 01:23:06,712
right before we went on TV.

2171
01:23:14,052 --> 01:23:15,429
LORNE: You know,
the NBC liability act

2172
01:23:15,429 --> 01:23:16,972
forbids you from ice skating.

2173
01:23:18,306 --> 01:23:19,307
GILDA: I found John.

2174
01:23:19,474 --> 01:23:20,475
LORNE: Oh,
excellent work, Gilda.

2175
01:23:20,642 --> 01:23:22,686
JOHN: Good thing
I didn't sign my contract.

2176
01:23:25,939 --> 01:23:27,149
LORNE: What's the deal, John?

2177
01:23:29,067 --> 01:23:30,318
You on the show or not?

2178
01:23:35,240 --> 01:23:38,285
The one where I get to dress up
like a giant, grotesque bee?

2179
01:23:39,161 --> 01:23:41,288
I don't know.
Let me ask my childhood dreams.

2180
01:23:46,251 --> 01:23:48,044
I want to try a triple axel.

2181
01:23:48,587 --> 01:23:50,213
Now we're talkin'.

2182
01:23:50,380 --> 01:23:51,840
How about a single axel?

2183
01:23:52,257 --> 01:23:53,258
Nah.

2184
01:23:54,134 --> 01:23:56,428
I figure I can either pull off
the triple...

2185
01:23:57,846 --> 01:23:58,930
or die trying.

2186
01:24:00,056 --> 01:24:01,266
Those are the options?

2187
01:24:07,564 --> 01:24:10,150
[BOTH CHUCKLING]

2188
01:24:10,150 --> 01:24:12,778
Okay, John. I... I...

2189
01:24:12,778 --> 01:24:14,321
I support it.

2190
01:24:21,703 --> 01:24:22,704
Oh, God.

2191
01:24:27,334 --> 01:24:28,168
[EXHALES]

2192
01:24:34,883 --> 01:24:36,718
- He's gonna break something.
- Oh, God.

2193
01:24:38,678 --> 01:24:40,013
[GRUNTS, GROANS]

2194
01:24:40,013 --> 01:24:41,097
- Oh, fuck!
- Shit. John!

2195
01:24:41,097 --> 01:24:42,182
John?

2196
01:24:42,599 --> 01:24:43,975
- GILDA: John!
- LORNE: Fuck!

2197
01:24:44,142 --> 01:24:45,143
Are you okay?

2198
01:24:46,645 --> 01:24:48,647
[GROANING]

2199
01:24:49,731 --> 01:24:51,274
You all right? I yield.

2200
01:24:52,609 --> 01:24:54,152
I accept your surrender.

2201
01:24:54,319 --> 01:24:56,696
Do you want me to help you up?

2202
01:24:56,863 --> 01:24:57,864
No.

2203
01:24:58,949 --> 01:25:00,784
I'm just gonna lie here
for a minute.

2204
01:25:02,452 --> 01:25:04,371
Okay, sure. Yeah.

2205
01:25:05,163 --> 01:25:06,790
We have all the time
in the world.

2206
01:25:10,669 --> 01:25:12,045
[LORNE CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

2207
01:25:12,045 --> 01:25:14,089
Who is that asshole, anyway?

2208
01:25:15,340 --> 01:25:16,716
It's Prometheus.

2209
01:25:17,801 --> 01:25:19,427
He stole fire
from the cauldron of the gods...

2210
01:25:19,594 --> 01:25:22,556
gave it to man, so we could
have science and the arts.

2211
01:25:26,476 --> 01:25:28,061
All right.
I'm gonna head back up.

2212
01:25:29,271 --> 01:25:30,981
We have a show to put on...

2213
01:25:31,147 --> 01:25:33,108
and I'd like to be there
when I get fired.

2214
01:25:34,901 --> 01:25:36,319
I'd hope to see you there,
too, John.

2215
01:25:47,873 --> 01:25:48,707
[CRASH]

2216
01:25:57,716 --> 01:25:58,758
- Hey!
- LORNE: Hey.

2217
01:25:58,925 --> 01:26:00,760
Heard you needed a quick change
for the last act?

2218
01:26:00,927 --> 01:26:01,928
Thank you.

2219
01:26:09,603 --> 01:26:10,937
What should I say
when I get up there?

2220
01:26:11,104 --> 01:26:12,647
- How should I know?
- You're the writer.

2221
01:26:12,814 --> 01:26:14,232
- You're the talker.
- I'm the talker?

2222
01:26:14,399 --> 01:26:16,443
Yeah, you talk the peel
off a grape.

2223
01:26:17,527 --> 01:26:18,528
That was funny.

2224
01:26:26,536 --> 01:26:27,579
Rose, I won't be offended

2225
01:26:27,579 --> 01:26:29,205
if you don't want to use
my last name.

2226
01:26:29,956 --> 01:26:32,000
It's not your last name,
Lipowitz.

2227
01:26:36,254 --> 01:26:37,297
Whoa!

2228
01:26:37,297 --> 01:26:38,673
Check it out! Full house, right?

2229
01:26:38,840 --> 01:26:39,841
What did you tell them?

2230
01:26:40,008 --> 01:26:41,217
Well, I kind of
had to lie a little bit,

2231
01:26:41,217 --> 01:26:42,302
but the vibes are really good.

2232
01:26:42,469 --> 01:26:43,637
Can we start to let them in?

2233
01:26:43,637 --> 01:26:45,639
- Uh... Almost.
- All right.

2234
01:26:45,805 --> 01:26:47,390
Five minutes, guys.
10 minutes tops.

2235
01:26:47,390 --> 01:26:48,850
Let's keep these vibes going!

2236
01:26:49,434 --> 01:26:50,977
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

2237
01:26:55,190 --> 01:26:56,691
- Adequate?
- Adequate.

2238
01:26:56,691 --> 01:26:57,817
[DICK CHUCKLES]

2239
01:27:00,695 --> 01:27:03,073
- Can you imagine being first up?
- Opening the show and all.

2240
01:27:03,239 --> 01:27:04,240
TOM: Millions of people
trying to decide...

2241
01:27:04,407 --> 01:27:06,576
AL: How they want to spend
their Saturday night.

2242
01:27:06,743 --> 01:27:08,828
What's the first thing they see?
No logo, no intro.

2243
01:27:08,828 --> 01:27:10,288
Nope. Just a close up
of your pretty face.

2244
01:27:10,288 --> 01:27:11,665
- Nah.
- Nah. Who gives a fuck, right?

2245
01:27:11,665 --> 01:27:12,749
Yeah. It's just
a bunch of animals

2246
01:27:12,749 --> 01:27:13,833
watching their lava lamps.

2247
01:27:13,833 --> 01:27:14,918
You're gonna do great.

2248
01:27:14,918 --> 01:27:16,002
- TOM: Yeah.
- Fuck off.

2249
01:27:16,002 --> 01:27:17,212
- AL: We're pullin' for you.
- TOM: Break a leg!

2250
01:27:20,173 --> 01:27:22,509
You the writer
Lorne found in a bar?

2251
01:27:23,259 --> 01:27:24,719
That's a slightly romantic read
of the story,

2252
01:27:24,719 --> 01:27:25,887
but, yeah, I guess so.

2253
01:27:26,054 --> 01:27:28,431
All right. Well, jump on in.
Water's warm.

2254
01:27:28,598 --> 01:27:29,599
- Okay.
- [BELL RINGS]

2255
01:27:29,766 --> 01:27:31,309
Okay. Quiet, please!

2256
01:27:31,476 --> 01:27:34,312
Work stops now.
We're holding for a sound check.

2257
01:27:34,479 --> 01:27:35,480
Who wants to do the sound check?

2258
01:27:35,647 --> 01:27:37,607
Garrett! Don't you know a song?

2259
01:27:38,733 --> 01:27:39,567
Hmm?

2260
01:27:41,361 --> 01:27:42,195
[CLEARS THROAT]

2261
01:27:43,780 --> 01:27:45,532
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2262
01:27:48,243 --> 01:27:53,248
<i>♪ I'm ♪</i>

2263
01:27:53,415 --> 01:27:55,667
<i>♪ Gonna ♪</i>

2264
01:27:56,251 --> 01:27:59,421
<i>♪ Get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2265
01:27:59,796 --> 01:28:03,508
<i>♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2266
01:28:03,675 --> 01:28:05,593
<i>♪ When I kill
All the Whities I see ♪</i>

2267
01:28:05,760 --> 01:28:09,431
<i>♪ Then Whitey
He won't bother me ♪</i>

2268
01:28:10,557 --> 01:28:13,935
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2269
01:28:14,102 --> 01:28:17,272
<i>♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2270
01:28:17,272 --> 01:28:18,398
[CHEERING]

2271
01:28:18,398 --> 01:28:21,901
<i>♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2272
01:28:21,901 --> 01:28:24,029
<i>♪ When I kill
All the Whities I see ♪</i>

2273
01:28:24,195 --> 01:28:27,949
<i>♪ Whitey, he won't bother me ♪</i>

2274
01:28:28,116 --> 01:28:30,493
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I ♪</i>

2275
01:28:30,660 --> 01:28:32,454
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I ♪</i>

2276
01:28:32,620 --> 01:28:35,665
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2277
01:28:36,458 --> 01:28:37,792
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

2278
01:28:37,792 --> 01:28:39,836
LORNE: Bravo! Garrett!

2279
01:28:40,295 --> 01:28:42,380
- That was fantastic.
- GARRETT: Thank you.

2280
01:28:43,006 --> 01:28:44,007
Thank you.

2281
01:28:44,883 --> 01:28:45,884
LORNE: That was perfect.

2282
01:28:45,884 --> 01:28:47,427
- You have an incredible voice.
- GARRETT: You're still not

2283
01:28:47,427 --> 01:28:49,471
- gonna give me no lines.
- It was beautiful.

2284
01:28:51,306 --> 01:28:54,184
LORNE: Uh, gentlemen, how long
have you been standing there?

2285
01:28:54,642 --> 01:28:55,769
Long enough.

2286
01:28:55,935 --> 01:28:57,062
Lorne, we need
to let the audience in.

2287
01:28:57,520 --> 01:28:58,563
No, you don't.

2288
01:29:01,524 --> 01:29:04,027
Perhaps you kids aren't
quite ready for prime time.

2289
01:29:04,194 --> 01:29:05,528
What are you talking about?

2290
01:29:05,862 --> 01:29:07,030
Look around, Lorne.

2291
01:29:07,822 --> 01:29:09,365
You haven't locked a script.

2292
01:29:09,949 --> 01:29:10,950
Your actors are missing.

2293
01:29:11,117 --> 01:29:12,452
Your crew is...

2294
01:29:12,827 --> 01:29:14,329
in open rebellion.

2295
01:29:18,750 --> 01:29:20,668
They'd be laughing at you
in Burbank.

2296
01:29:22,128 --> 01:29:24,214
Burbank? Excuse me?
This is New York fucking City.

2297
01:29:24,380 --> 01:29:25,381
Who's she?

2298
01:29:25,548 --> 01:29:26,674
- She... It's...
- It's... I...

2299
01:29:26,841 --> 01:29:29,385
It's complicated.
We have a hell of a show.

2300
01:29:29,552 --> 01:29:30,929
We have two bands.

2301
01:29:31,096 --> 01:29:33,139
We have seven of the brightest
comedy minds alive.

2302
01:29:33,306 --> 01:29:34,724
You even know where they are?

2303
01:29:34,891 --> 01:29:36,309
Most of them. Yes.

2304
01:29:36,935 --> 01:29:39,562
Maybe we'll just try again
next Saturday.

2305
01:29:39,729 --> 01:29:41,272
No. No, no, no. Don't do that.
Come on. No.

2306
01:29:41,439 --> 01:29:43,691
Everybody in this room
has been killing themselves...

2307
01:29:43,858 --> 01:29:45,193
- to make something special.
- I know.

2308
01:29:45,360 --> 01:29:46,694
To make something innovative
and actually good...

2309
01:29:46,861 --> 01:29:48,154
- for a change.
-"For a change"?

2310
01:29:48,321 --> 01:29:49,697
Don't tell me that you've been
doing this so long...

2311
01:29:49,864 --> 01:29:52,742
that you can't even recognize
the potential for greatness...

2312
01:29:52,909 --> 01:29:54,661
when it's right
in front of your face.

2313
01:29:56,246 --> 01:29:59,040
Do you even know
what this show is? Tell me.

2314
01:30:05,046 --> 01:30:07,257
[INHALES DEEPLY]

2315
01:30:09,092 --> 01:30:10,593
It's an all-nighter in the city.

2316
01:30:12,178 --> 01:30:15,098
It's catching Richard Pryor
at a drop-in...

2317
01:30:15,265 --> 01:30:18,643
or finding Paul Simon strumming
in the back of a dive bar.

2318
01:30:18,810 --> 01:30:21,020
It's meeting a girl
outside of a bodega...

2319
01:30:21,187 --> 01:30:23,148
and getting lucky
in a phone booth.

2320
01:30:24,232 --> 01:30:25,650
It's everything you think
is going to happen

2321
01:30:25,650 --> 01:30:27,610
when you move to the city.
That's our show.

2322
01:30:28,069 --> 01:30:29,404
That's <i>Saturday Night.</i>

2323
01:30:29,571 --> 01:30:30,572
TEBET: Show me.

2324
01:30:31,030 --> 01:30:32,031
Show you what?

2325
01:30:32,198 --> 01:30:33,616
Show me <i>Saturday Night.</i>

2326
01:30:33,616 --> 01:30:34,784
We go live
in less than 10 minutes.

2327
01:30:34,784 --> 01:30:35,869
10 minutes!

2328
01:30:35,869 --> 01:30:37,328
No, you don't!

2329
01:30:39,831 --> 01:30:40,957
Show me.

2330
01:30:49,799 --> 01:30:53,178
[MUSIC PLAYING]

2331
01:30:53,178 --> 01:30:57,140
<i>♪ Mr. Trouble
Never hangs around ♪</i>

2332
01:30:57,307 --> 01:31:01,519
<i>♪ When he hears
This Mighty sound ♪</i>

2333
01:31:01,686 --> 01:31:04,731
<i>♪ Here I come to save the day ♪</i>

2334
01:31:04,898 --> 01:31:08,735
<i>♪ That means that Mighty Mouse
Is on the way ♪</i>

2335
01:31:09,152 --> 01:31:12,697
<i>♪ So, though we are
In danger, we never despair ♪</i>

2336
01:31:12,864 --> 01:31:14,574
<i>♪ 'Cause we know
That where there's danger ♪</i>

2337
01:31:14,741 --> 01:31:16,576
<i>- ♪ He is there ♪
- ♪ He is there ♪</i>

2338
01:31:16,743 --> 01:31:17,744
<i>♪ On the land ♪</i>

2339
01:31:17,911 --> 01:31:20,997
<i>♪ On the sea, in the air ♪</i>

2340
01:31:21,164 --> 01:31:24,834
<i>♪ We're not worrying at all ♪</i>

2341
01:31:25,001 --> 01:31:28,546
<i>♪ We're just listening
For his call ♪</i>

2342
01:31:28,963 --> 01:31:32,258
<i>♪ Here I come to save the day ♪</i>

2343
01:31:32,717 --> 01:31:35,803
<i>♪ That means that Mighty Mouse
Is on the way ♪</i>

2344
01:31:35,803 --> 01:31:37,889
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

2345
01:31:42,435 --> 01:31:44,896
Andy, you're a genius.
Now save your voice.

2346
01:31:44,896 --> 01:31:46,189
[DRUM ROLL]

2347
01:31:47,232 --> 01:31:48,441
Pull up Weekend Update.

2348
01:31:48,608 --> 01:31:51,027
JOE: We're movin'
to Weekend Update, let's go!

2349
01:31:51,527 --> 01:31:52,862
- Hey.
- You take it.

2350
01:31:53,488 --> 01:31:54,948
- What do you mean?
- The show needs a face.

2351
01:31:55,114 --> 01:31:56,115
Are you sure?

2352
01:31:56,491 --> 01:31:58,493
You were born for this.
Trust me.

2353
01:31:59,285 --> 01:32:00,787
Should I make up a name
for the news anchor?

2354
01:32:00,954 --> 01:32:02,997
LORNE: Use Chevy Chase.
No one will believe it.

2355
01:32:05,833 --> 01:32:07,919
Hey, remember this. When you...

2356
01:32:08,086 --> 01:32:09,462
look into the lens...

2357
01:32:09,629 --> 01:32:11,714
you're making eye contact
with America.

2358
01:32:13,007 --> 01:32:14,467
DON: And now...

2359
01:32:14,634 --> 01:32:17,387
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!

2360
01:32:25,103 --> 01:32:26,104
Hey, doll.

2361
01:32:26,604 --> 01:32:27,605
What are you wearing?

2362
01:32:27,605 --> 01:32:29,065
[PEOPLE CHUCKLING]

2363
01:32:29,065 --> 01:32:30,692
Is that why I hear purring?

2364
01:32:30,692 --> 01:32:32,026
[LAUGHTER]

2365
01:32:32,026 --> 01:32:33,403
What do you got for me?

2366
01:32:33,569 --> 01:32:34,570
It's my favorite.

2367
01:32:36,990 --> 01:32:37,991
Okay, great.

2368
01:32:40,076 --> 01:32:41,077
Good... [CLEARS THROAT]

2369
01:32:41,244 --> 01:32:42,954
Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase.

2370
01:32:43,288 --> 01:32:44,372
The Post Office
announced today...

2371
01:32:44,539 --> 01:32:47,083
that it's going to issue a stamp
commemorating prostitution...

2372
01:32:47,250 --> 01:32:48,459
in the United States.

2373
01:32:48,626 --> 01:32:49,627
It's a 10-cent stamp...

2374
01:32:49,919 --> 01:32:51,838
but if you want to lick it,
it's a quarter.

2375
01:32:52,338 --> 01:32:53,339
[LAUGHTER]

2376
01:32:54,549 --> 01:32:55,758
[CHEERING]

2377
01:32:56,759 --> 01:32:58,720
All right, everyone.
Eight minutes till showtime!

2378
01:32:58,720 --> 01:33:00,054
[BELL RINGING]

2379
01:33:00,805 --> 01:33:01,806
Open the doors!

2380
01:33:01,973 --> 01:33:02,974
Oh, thank God.

2381
01:33:03,975 --> 01:33:06,227
Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston.

2382
01:33:06,936 --> 01:33:08,730
[MUSIC PLAYING]

2383
01:33:08,730 --> 01:33:11,065
Right this way, folks.
You're in for a real treat.

2384
01:33:11,774 --> 01:33:12,775
<i>Yeah!</i>

2385
01:33:16,404 --> 01:33:18,698
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin'
leaves nothin' ♪</i>

2386
01:33:20,074 --> 01:33:21,451
<i>♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪</i>

2387
01:33:21,743 --> 01:33:22,994
BARBARA: Lorne, remember Carl?

2388
01:33:23,161 --> 01:33:25,621
Carl? Ooh, Carl! Have you ever
used one of these before?

2389
01:33:25,788 --> 01:33:26,873
Not-a once.

2390
01:33:27,040 --> 01:33:28,416
You'll pick it up in no time.

2391
01:33:29,250 --> 01:33:30,710
<i>♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪</i>

2392
01:33:31,085 --> 01:33:32,337
<i>♪ If you wanna be with me ♪</i>

2393
01:33:39,802 --> 01:33:41,471
Come on, guys. Grab a brick!

2394
01:33:41,846 --> 01:33:43,931
<i>♪ I'm not tryin'
To be your hero ♪</i>

2395
01:33:45,266 --> 01:33:48,811
<i>♪ 'Cause that zero
Is too cold for me, ha ♪</i>

2396
01:33:51,105 --> 01:33:52,857
<i>♪ I'm not tryin'
To be your highness ♪</i>

2397
01:33:53,107 --> 01:33:54,317
Heard you needed pages.

2398
01:33:55,068 --> 01:33:56,277
Oh, thanks, Mike.

2399
01:34:01,908 --> 01:34:02,909
Oh, no.

2400
01:34:07,580 --> 01:34:09,749
Dick, question.
What is a "golden shower"?

2401
01:34:10,458 --> 01:34:13,211
- Oh. Uh... It's a yoga ritual...
- Mmm...

2402
01:34:13,378 --> 01:34:14,462
...in which practitioners...

2403
01:34:14,629 --> 01:34:18,341
greet the new day by allowing
the golden rays of sun to...

2404
01:34:18,341 --> 01:34:19,759
- Shower.
- Over their skin

2405
01:34:19,759 --> 01:34:20,843
- and warm their chakras.
- Mmm.

2406
01:34:20,843 --> 01:34:22,428
- It's a California thing.
- Mmm.

2407
01:34:22,428 --> 01:34:24,263
I've had at least
50 golden showers.

2408
01:34:24,722 --> 01:34:25,765
You heard him, Joan.

2409
01:34:25,765 --> 01:34:27,183
Sign the damn script.
We're going to air.

2410
01:34:32,647 --> 01:34:34,816
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin'
Leaves nothin' ♪</i>

2411
01:34:36,484 --> 01:34:39,362
<i>♪ You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me ♪</i>

2412
01:34:41,906 --> 01:34:44,617
<i>♪ Don't you remember I told ya ♪</i>

2413
01:34:45,326 --> 01:34:47,453
<i>♪ That I'm a soldier
On the war on poverty ♪</i>

2414
01:34:48,121 --> 01:34:50,498
Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.

2415
01:34:50,665 --> 01:34:52,667
- Wallie, you son of a bitch!
- Hey, you asked.

2416
01:34:52,834 --> 01:34:54,794
Wallie, my man.
You got something for me?

2417
01:34:55,711 --> 01:34:56,796
Yes, you do.

2418
01:34:57,296 --> 01:34:59,298
George, I wanted to apologize
for how you were treated...

2419
01:34:59,298 --> 01:35:00,383
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

2420
01:35:01,175 --> 01:35:02,260
- Are you having a stroke?
- [GROANING]

2421
01:35:02,260 --> 01:35:03,719
- You need more coke?
- [GROANS]

2422
01:35:05,221 --> 01:35:06,222
Danny!

2423
01:35:14,939 --> 01:35:16,774
Hurry up. Come on, faster.

2424
01:35:17,567 --> 01:35:18,568
Watch your fingers.

2425
01:35:26,701 --> 01:35:28,161
Oh, boy. Lockjaw!

2426
01:35:28,703 --> 01:35:29,829
It's too much cocaine,

2427
01:35:29,829 --> 01:35:31,122
it's seizing up
the old mandibulars.

2428
01:35:31,122 --> 01:35:32,957
Let's get some finger love
in there, huh?

2429
01:35:33,124 --> 01:35:34,959
Yep. Just a little bit of this,
you'll be fine.

2430
01:35:35,126 --> 01:35:36,294
- Okay, great.
- There we go.

2431
01:35:37,170 --> 01:35:38,254
[ALL GIGGLING]

2432
01:35:38,254 --> 01:35:39,338
<i>Hey!</i>

2433
01:35:46,471 --> 01:35:47,680
<i>Here we go!</i>

2434
01:35:48,431 --> 01:35:49,599
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin' ♪</i>

2435
01:35:51,642 --> 01:35:53,728
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin
Hey, now ♪</i>

2436
01:35:55,730 --> 01:35:56,898
<i>♪ Yeah ♪</i>

2437
01:35:56,898 --> 01:35:58,608
<i>♪ Ah, yeah, yeah ♪</i>

2438
01:35:58,608 --> 01:35:59,901
LORNE: Can you get in that wig
in 30 seconds?

2439
01:35:59,901 --> 01:36:01,569
- DAN: You got it, boss.
- Has Henson got his pages?

2440
01:36:01,569 --> 01:36:02,653
He loves them.

2441
01:36:02,653 --> 01:36:04,113
- And will that crane get there?
- It'll happen.

2442
01:36:04,113 --> 01:36:06,199
- Did you trim the fat on that?
- Already on cue cards.

2443
01:36:06,616 --> 01:36:08,493
Laraine, I don't think
you can make the change in...

2444
01:36:08,493 --> 01:36:09,452
[RIPS]

2445
01:36:11,829 --> 01:36:13,039
- [MAN WHISTLES]
- LORNE: Whoa.

2446
01:36:13,039 --> 01:36:14,248
I stand corrected.

2447
01:36:14,457 --> 01:36:15,666
Is that our show?

2448
01:36:16,209 --> 01:36:18,211
- That's our show.
- JOE: Three minutes!

2449
01:36:18,586 --> 01:36:19,587
Yeah.

2450
01:36:22,798 --> 01:36:23,799
MAN: Last one.

2451
01:36:23,966 --> 01:36:26,844
- Last one. Get it in. Finally!
- Yes! Come on!

2452
01:36:26,844 --> 01:36:28,930
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

2453
01:36:31,307 --> 01:36:34,769
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston!</i>

2454
01:36:34,769 --> 01:36:36,854
[ALL CHEERING]

2455
01:37:00,336 --> 01:37:03,005
Photo! Photo! I want a photo!
Come on, family photo!

2456
01:37:03,005 --> 01:37:04,799
JOE: No, no, no. We're at
two minutes. There's no time!

2457
01:37:04,799 --> 01:37:06,384
GILDA: No, come on.
It'll never be the same

2458
01:37:06,384 --> 01:37:07,969
- after this. Come on.
- JOE: Fuck!

2459
01:37:07,969 --> 01:37:10,471
I'm not leaving until I get
my photo. Come on.

2460
01:37:10,638 --> 01:37:12,348
JOE:
I guess everybody go ahead then.

2461
01:37:13,558 --> 01:37:14,934
Do we have a camera?

2462
01:37:16,852 --> 01:37:17,853
- I have a camera.
- JOE: Just quickly.

2463
01:37:18,020 --> 01:37:19,397
GILDA: Great. Yes! Come here.

2464
01:37:27,947 --> 01:37:30,157
All right. 60 seconds.
Come on, everyone.

2465
01:37:30,324 --> 01:37:32,243
- Let's go, please.
- GARRETT: After you, after you.

2466
01:37:32,243 --> 01:37:33,452
JOE: One minute.
Let's go to work.

2467
01:37:39,292 --> 01:37:40,793
LORNE:
What are we using him for again?

2468
01:37:40,960 --> 01:37:42,837
- ROSIE: I don't really remember.
- LORNE: Sorry.

2469
01:37:43,713 --> 01:37:44,714
Thanks.

2470
01:37:44,880 --> 01:37:47,258
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Rocky, wake up.

2471
01:37:47,508 --> 01:37:48,676
Hey, hey, name.

2472
01:37:50,678 --> 01:37:52,638
Rosie, we need your last name
for the credits.

2473
01:37:53,639 --> 01:37:54,890
- Shuster.
- Shuster.

2474
01:38:00,354 --> 01:38:02,064
30 seconds!

2475
01:38:02,231 --> 01:38:04,108
Hey, can we get
a mic check, please?

2476
01:38:05,693 --> 01:38:07,445
MICHAEL: <i>One, two...</i>

2477
01:38:08,321 --> 01:38:09,322
<i>three.</i>

2478
01:38:09,488 --> 01:38:10,906
Somebody's got the yips.

2479
01:38:11,073 --> 01:38:12,491
- JOE: <i>20 seconds.</i>
- DAVE: Is Carlin in costume?

2480
01:38:12,783 --> 01:38:14,535
Yep, they settled
on a T-shirt and jacket.

2481
01:38:14,702 --> 01:38:16,495
Mr. Carlin, may we get
a mic check?

2482
01:38:16,662 --> 01:38:17,705
GEORGE: <i>One, two, fuck you.</i>

2483
01:38:17,872 --> 01:38:18,873
Subtle.

2484
01:38:19,040 --> 01:38:20,249
Carson's still cued
for dead roll?

2485
01:38:20,416 --> 01:38:21,667
Are we going live
or going to tape?

2486
01:38:26,547 --> 01:38:28,341
Pre-roll on VTR-14.

2487
01:38:29,675 --> 01:38:30,676
JOE: <i>10 seconds.</i>

2488
01:38:32,762 --> 01:38:33,929
DAVE: Ready camera two.

2489
01:38:34,388 --> 01:38:35,473
Ready on the fade.

2490
01:38:35,806 --> 01:38:36,974
{\an8}JOE: <i>Five, four...</i>

2491
01:38:37,141 --> 01:38:38,726
Are we going live
or going to tape?

2492
01:38:38,726 --> 01:38:40,144
JOE: <i>...three, two...</i>

2493
01:38:41,729 --> 01:38:42,730
Go live.

2494
01:38:42,897 --> 01:38:44,315
- Okay, go live.
- Go live. Live, live. Go live.

2495
01:38:44,482 --> 01:38:47,068
DAVE: Fade up.
[CHUCKLES] And we are live.

2496
01:38:48,444 --> 01:38:49,487
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

2497
01:38:52,531 --> 01:38:54,116
Ready camera one.
Take camera one.

2498
01:38:54,283 --> 01:38:55,284
BARBARA: Cue Belushi.

2499
01:38:58,329 --> 01:38:59,372
Cue John.

2500
01:38:59,538 --> 01:39:01,123
- Where's John?
- AUDREY: Where the hell is he?

2501
01:39:01,290 --> 01:39:02,541
DAVE: Cue John.

2502
01:39:19,433 --> 01:39:20,893
[BREATH TREMBLING]

2503
01:39:21,852 --> 01:39:23,145
[DOOR OPENS]

2504
01:39:25,439 --> 01:39:26,440
[EXHALES]

2505
01:39:37,702 --> 01:39:38,703
Good evening.

2506
01:39:38,869 --> 01:39:39,870
JOHN: Good evening.

2507
01:39:40,413 --> 01:39:41,747
Hey, get closer.

2508
01:39:44,250 --> 01:39:46,252
Good evening.

2509
01:39:47,628 --> 01:39:49,922
Good evening.

2510
01:39:51,716 --> 01:39:53,801
Good evening.

2511
01:39:53,801 --> 01:39:55,511
[LAUGHTER]

2512
01:39:55,511 --> 01:39:56,637
MICHAEL: Let us begin.

2513
01:39:57,221 --> 01:39:59,265
Repeat after me.

2514
01:40:01,434 --> 01:40:03,436
-"I would like...
- I would like...

2515
01:40:04,437 --> 01:40:05,813
"...to feed your fingertips...

2516
01:40:05,980 --> 01:40:08,065
JOHN: ...to feed
your fingertips...

2517
01:40:09,400 --> 01:40:10,443
"...to the wolverines."

2518
01:40:10,609 --> 01:40:12,069
...to the wolverines.

2519
01:40:13,529 --> 01:40:16,657
- MICHAEL: Next, "I am afraid...
- I am afraid...

2520
01:40:17,199 --> 01:40:18,200
"...we are out...

2521
01:40:18,367 --> 01:40:19,368
...we are out...

2522
01:40:19,952 --> 01:40:21,829
-"...of badgers."
- ...of badgers.

2523
01:40:21,829 --> 01:40:23,414
[LAUGHTER]

2524
01:40:23,414 --> 01:40:24,498
MICHAEL: "Would you accept...

2525
01:40:25,124 --> 01:40:26,375
JOHN: Would you accept...

2526
01:40:26,542 --> 01:40:28,419
- MICHAEL: "...a wolverine...
- ...a wolverine...

2527
01:40:29,545 --> 01:40:31,547
-"...in its place?"
- ...in its place?

2528
01:40:31,547 --> 01:40:32,798
[LAUGHTER]

2529
01:40:33,924 --> 01:40:36,051
MICHAEL: Next.
"'Hey!' Ned exclaimed."

2530
01:40:36,552 --> 01:40:37,928
"Hey!" Ned exclaimed.

2531
01:40:37,928 --> 01:40:39,180
[LAUGHTER]

2532
01:40:41,223 --> 01:40:42,266
MICHAEL: "Let's boil...

2533
01:40:42,433 --> 01:40:43,893
JOHN: Let's boil...

2534
01:40:44,059 --> 01:40:46,520
-"...the wolverines."
- ...the wolverines.

2535
01:40:47,980 --> 01:40:49,523
Next... [GASPS]

2536
01:40:52,526 --> 01:40:53,527
[THUD]

2537
01:40:58,991 --> 01:40:59,825
[GASPS]

2538
01:41:00,326 --> 01:41:02,328
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

2539
01:41:19,595 --> 01:41:22,348
Live from New York.
It's <i>Saturday Night!</i>

2540
01:41:22,348 --> 01:41:24,308
[CHEERING]

2541
01:41:24,433 --> 01:41:26,435
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

2542
01:48:55,300 --> 01:48:56,635
{\an8}BILLY: <i>Ah!</i>

2543
01:48:56,635 --> 01:48:57,928
{\an8}<i>All right, we're going
to do it again.</i>

2544
01:48:58,095 --> 01:49:00,597
{\an8}<i>Now we got it. Now we got it.
Go back. Go back.</i>