1
00:00:52,698 --> 00:00:53,845
<i>All right, Chevy.</i>

2
00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:56,805
<i>Chevy, you're very handsome.</i>

3
00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:58,558
<i>- Stop it.
- How did you become so funny?</i>

4
00:00:58,559 --> 00:00:59,684
<i>What was the first part?</i>

5
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:03,229
<i>Lorne said if I just
stared into the camera,</i>

6
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,898
<i>that'd take a lot of guts.</i>

7
00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:11,738
<i>"There were bells on the hill,
but I never heard them ringing."</i>

8
00:01:13,531 --> 00:01:14,783
<i>Action, Laraine.</i>

9
00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:23,332
<i>Hi.</i>

10
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,211
Did I spell your name right?

11
00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:31,341
<i>I'm Garrett Morris talking
to all you white Americans...</i>

12
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,010
<i>about the way Black people
have been treated in America.</i>

13
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:37,555
<i>Now, I know a lot of you
feel guilty, and you should.</i>

14
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,852
<i>You see, um,
having a catheter...</i>

15
00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:44,938
<i>a lot of people
think it's funny.</i>

16
00:01:45,104 --> 00:01:47,732
<i>And they like to see me dance.</i>

17
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:53,238
<i>Now, I look up, and I see it
coming down now, real quick...</i>

18
00:01:53,404 --> 00:01:54,697
<i>and I see discs.</i>

19
00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:56,074
<i>Whirlin' discs!</i>

20
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,034
<i>- Really?
- All right.</i>

21
00:01:58,201 --> 00:01:59,494
<i>Radney?</i>

22
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,538
<i>I'm not gonna talk about... No.</i>

23
00:02:01,996 --> 00:02:03,997
<i>Whirlin'. Whirlin' around,
whirlin' around.</i>

24
00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:05,476
<i>I see all kinds of lights.
Then they just drop me.</i>

25
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,961
<i>In order to get that much iron,
you probably have to overeat.</i>

26
00:02:08,127 --> 00:02:11,840
<i>Send your check or money order
to White Guilt Relief Fund.</i>

27
00:02:12,006 --> 00:02:14,008
<i>We're ready? Should we go?</i>

28
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,596
{\an8}Free show!

29
00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,268
Plenty of tickets left, guys!
Free show!

30
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:24,811
No?

31
00:02:25,603 --> 00:02:27,272
Hey, free show, man.

32
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,441
Hey, sir, free comedy show?
Plenty of seats.

33
00:02:30,608 --> 00:02:32,360
Perfect for date night!

34
00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:34,069
Um...

35
00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:37,365
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular..."

36
00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:40,076
"Featuring a parade of comedy..."

37
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,883
"And musical acts
ripped from the charts."

38
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:44,163
Jesus Christ.

39
00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:46,370
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"

40
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,669
Hey, man! You okay?

41
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,423
Maybe ask me again
in 90 minutes.

42
00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:55,530
Why?
What happens in 90 minutes?

43
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:57,093
Uh, we go live.

44
00:02:57,427 --> 00:03:00,054
Oh, wow. Far out, man. Congrats.
Miss?

45
00:03:00,221 --> 00:03:01,973
- Thank you.
- Hey, wait. If it's live,

46
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,683
then why the hell
are you down here?

47
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,643
- Free show. For fuck's sake.
- I'm...

48
00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:07,371
- Mr. Michaels?
- Waiting for...

49
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:08,395
Ah!

50
00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:10,773
It's 10 o'clock, Andy.
Here. Come on.

51
00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:12,817
Where do I park?

52
00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:15,320
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular..."

53
00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:16,863
Just pick him up at 1:00,
Mrs. Kaufman.

54
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:17,947
Do you like my suit?

55
00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:19,300
- Very elegant, Andy.
- Take care of my Andy!

56
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:20,867
This is my favorite suit.

57
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,074
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"

58
00:03:24,016 --> 00:03:25,079
Bye. Bye, Mommy.

59
00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:26,079
Bye, honey.

60
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,520
- I love you!
- Andy, come on.

61
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:34,631
Andy, please, come on.

62
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:36,382
This is beautiful.

63
00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:37,550
Yeah.

64
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:38,800
You know, actually, down there

65
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,029
is where Diego Rivera
was hired...

66
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,263
to paint a fresco
for the American worker.

67
00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:43,473
I cannot see this.

68
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,558
Well, no one can
because Diego was a commie...

69
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,226
and added Vladimir Lenin
in the middle of the night...

70
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,603
so the Rockefellers
had it plastered over.

71
00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:49,686
Deliveries use the back.

72
00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:50,980
- I'm producer of the show.
- Where's your badge?

73
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:52,169
- My...
- Where's his badge?

74
00:03:52,170 --> 00:03:53,357
Look, my name is Lorne Michaels.

75
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:54,441
I'm the producer
of <i>Saturday Night.</i>

76
00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:55,609
- The whole night?
- Hey! Hey! He's good.

77
00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:57,320
- Yeah, I'm producing every show.
- He's good. He's good.

78
00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:58,550
- I'm good, you see?
- Let him in. Let him in.

79
00:03:58,551 --> 00:03:59,781
Live on a Saturday night?
Must be some show.

80
00:03:59,782 --> 00:04:00,864
I'm good. Andy, please.

81
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:02,220
Hey, you're doing a great job.
Really. Great stuff.

82
00:04:02,221 --> 00:04:04,066
What kind of name
is <i>"Saturday Night"?</i>

83
00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:05,912
- Andy, come on. Please.
- Okay. We rushing.

84
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,372
Eighth floor, and book it.

85
00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:09,123
Put on your seat belts.

86
00:04:11,438 --> 00:04:13,293
So, big night.

87
00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:14,754
Oh, Andy, have you had dinner?

88
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,547
Huh. Yes, I had spaghetti.

89
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,341
Oh, that sounds delicious.

90
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,218
Hey, Lorne, I'm getting calls
from upstairs.

91
00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:21,344
You ordered a llama?

92
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:22,512
A llama?

93
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,973
Yeah. We all decided it was
much funnier than a donkey.

94
00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:26,391
Right. Just the guys
down at the loading dock

95
00:04:26,392 --> 00:04:28,017
weren't expecting,
you know, livestock.

96
00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:30,395
Well, NBC did ask for something
fresh and unexpected.

97
00:04:30,561 --> 00:04:31,854
That is true. That's true.

98
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,147
Uh, just, you know,
they also weren't

99
00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:34,232
expecting you to demand...

100
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,651
an overhaul in the entire
lighting and sound package.

101
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:40,571
Did anyone ask Edison
what a light bulb was

102
00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:42,198
before he harnessed electricity?

103
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,368
Who are you in the metaphor?

104
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,578
The light bulb?

105
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,539
We can't expect people
to recognize

106
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:50,975
something they've
never seen before.

107
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,375
Right. Okay. Yes.
You're correct.

108
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:53,902
But just,
how about a final script?

109
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,040
It's not that kind of show.

110
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,647
Okay. Well,
what kind of show is it, Lorne?

111
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:57,982
Do you even know
what the show is?

112
00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,007
Of course.

113
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,193
Are you gonna share it
with the rest of us?

114
00:05:01,217 --> 00:05:03,011
Yes.

115
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:04,554
In 88 minutes.

116
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,389
Oh, my God.

117
00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:08,325
Uh, have you tested
the quality of the sound system?

118
00:05:08,349 --> 00:05:09,576
- No, I haven't.
- 'Cause the speakers...

119
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,394
look leftover
from Arturo Toscanini.

120
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:12,830
I mean,
that's not really my job.

121
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:14,134
Lorne,
did you order more lights?

122
00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:15,231
Of course.

123
00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:16,982
Is this your card?

124
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,066
How'd he do that?

125
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,485
He's a fuckin' magician,
numb nuts.

126
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,195
- Hey, Neil?
- Oh, hey.

127
00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:23,134
You got to be right by my side,
man. Locked to my hip.

128
00:05:23,135 --> 00:05:24,667
Remember, when you're here,
you're not my cousin...

129
00:05:24,668 --> 00:05:26,017
you're my executive assistant.
You're important.

130
00:05:26,018 --> 00:05:27,368
Really? Like in the credits
it will say that?

131
00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:28,577
Well, no,
but you and I will know.

132
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,058
They're looking for you
in the control room.

133
00:05:30,059 --> 00:05:31,538
Also, Belushi hasn't signed
his contract yet?

134
00:05:31,539 --> 00:05:33,686
- Oh, and the llama has arrived.
- Oh, great. Thanks, Barbara.

135
00:05:33,687 --> 00:05:35,835
Neil, memo. We need to reeducate
the NBC Pages on the show.

136
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:36,919
You should've heard
the guy outside.

137
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,003
What the hell is this?

138
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,297
<i>Saturday Night,</i> it's a new kind
of entertainment.

139
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,509
It's abstract and defiant.
Avant-garde yet blue collar...

140
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,480
Gilda, come on.
We need you for rehearsal.

141
00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:55,229
Oh, be careful.
They're still drying.

142
00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:56,981
This is monumental work, Edie.

143
00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,567
Mr. Gresner, would you please
tell our studio audience...

144
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,277
Jane, you're still attached.

145
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:04,280
Just how you became a victim
of a shark bite?

146
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:06,741
You are so fluffy.

147
00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:08,034
Hey, come on, Andy.

148
00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:10,369
You cut my Nazi Doctor Dolittle?

149
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,663
He has ways
of making the animals talk?

150
00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:14,183
I'll check
with the run-of-show board.

151
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,209
Package was addressed
to Al Franken and Tom Davis.

152
00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:17,763
I don't know
what to tell you, fellas.

153
00:06:17,764 --> 00:06:19,164
How do you lose
28 gallons of blood?

154
00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,757
85 minutes till showtime.

155
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:25,802
Come on, guys. These transitions
need to be crisp.

156
00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:28,179
Pretend like there's a hooker
holding a sandwich

157
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,430
waiting for you stage right.

158
00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:31,224
We still need
to rehearse five sketches.

159
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:33,267
Are we any closer
on lighting cues?

160
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:35,144
Hey, Schiller.
What are you up to?

161
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:37,688
I'm burning sage.
Removing demons.

162
00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:39,107
Garrett don't do voodoo.

163
00:06:39,273 --> 00:06:41,073
Peter packed
a peck of pickled peckers.

164
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,486
Andy, this is Billy Crystal
and Valri Bromfield.

165
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:44,963
- They're both in the show.
- Andy!

166
00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:47,174
They're both very nice.
Please stay with them, okay?

167
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:49,075
Listen, Andy is
a certifiable comedic genius.

168
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,385
- He is redefining the form.
- Nice to meet you, Andy.

169
00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:52,411
I mean, we are
in the presence of greatness.

170
00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:55,122
Where is the bathroom?

171
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,498
Neil, can you show Andy
to the washroom?

172
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,125
- Yeah. Yeah.
- There you are. Lorne. I can't

173
00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,752
- authorize the purchase...
- Dick. Dick.

174
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,169
Of an antique chandelier.

175
00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:02,254
Jim has a question
about something.

176
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,548
- Here. Let's step over here.
- He's out of control.

177
00:07:03,549 --> 00:07:05,299
- Okay. I understand.
- This isn't a budget.

178
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,383
It's a ransom note.

179
00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:07,510
Someone asked for last
Friday's <i>Johnny Carson?</i>

180
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:08,678
Where the fuck you been,
Charlie?

181
00:07:08,679 --> 00:07:09,761
Sorry, I've been busy.

182
00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:10,846
I'll be back
in a little bit, okay?

183
00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:12,306
Hope I still have a job
when he's gone next week.

184
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:14,016
Okey-dokes. So, as it stands...

185
00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:16,435
we have four host monologues,
two stand-ups...

186
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:18,522
two musical guests,
each with two performances...

187
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:19,981
a solo piece for Andy Kaufman...

188
00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:22,275
five parody commercials,
Weekend Update...

189
00:07:22,441 --> 00:07:23,484
a film by Albert Brooks...

190
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:26,070
Jim Henson's Muppet... thing.

191
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:28,239
Not to mention seven sketches.

192
00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:29,925
- Something for everybody.
- Yeah, it's a lot of show.

193
00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:31,389
- It won't fit.
- We don't know that.

194
00:07:31,450 --> 00:07:33,953
I know that. The dress rehearsal
was three hours.

195
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,160
Audrey thinks we're tight.

196
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,599
Audrey thinks it's time to make
some tough decisions, actually.

197
00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:38,743
Lorne, just cut some things.

198
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:40,911
- No. We will, but...
- Am I still in the show?

199
00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:44,839
Jesus Christ.

200
00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:47,276
- Sorry. Tripped over my penis.
- Still on the show, Chev.

201
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,801
Oh, I know.
Hey, you remember Jackie.

202
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,178
- My girlfriend.
- Fiancée.

203
00:07:50,344 --> 00:07:51,387
It looks expensive.

204
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:52,471
She is.

205
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,555
It is.

206
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:54,724
I never know
when you're kidding.

207
00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:55,808
Hey, Chev, can I...

208
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:57,536
Can you show a little goodwill
to your co-star?

209
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:58,895
- Who? Belushi?
- Mmm-hmm.

210
00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:01,397
God! God!
What the fuck's the matter now?

211
00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:03,065
I think
it's just a new dynamic and...

212
00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:04,442
there are a lot
of expectations for every...

213
00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:05,669
I'll tell you what the issue is.

214
00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:07,360
We're not doing
a radio hour anymore

215
00:08:07,361 --> 00:08:08,922
and he's built like
an Albanian cheeseburger.

216
00:08:08,946 --> 00:08:11,199
Chevy can't help if people
are responding to his face.

217
00:08:11,365 --> 00:08:12,525
I mean, I could, but I won't.

218
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,138
Right. Well, no one's asking you

219
00:08:14,139 --> 00:08:15,620
to deny your own magnetism,
Chevy.

220
00:08:15,786 --> 00:08:17,466
Maybe there's other roles
for John to play.

221
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,415
Like a hobo. Or a troll.

222
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:21,918
Or a fire hydrant.
Or a Volkswagen.

223
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,086
Or a hemorrhoid.

224
00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:26,797
- You're looking sharp, Patches.
- What?

225
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,424
You have to cut something.

226
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,343
Yeah. Yeah.

227
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,388
- Neil?
- Oh. Yeah!

228
00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:36,641
Get me a key to this door.
In fact...

229
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,476
I want keys to all the doors.

230
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:39,977
In the building?

231
00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:41,854
- If you can.
- Yeah.

232
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,692
Frame up on the shot,
okay, Cameron?

233
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:48,152
That's good.

234
00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:50,947
Ready camera 2. That looks okay.

235
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,031
Hey, guys.

236
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,741
Hey, Lorne.
Can you get down or around?

237
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,368
Down in front.

238
00:08:56,285 --> 00:08:57,202
Dave, how're we looking?

239
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:58,483
Oh. Good, good, good.
Good, good.

240
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:01,040
Still working on the 47 notes
you gave me on your last visit.

241
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,709
Okay. How's the morale looking
out there?

242
00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:05,210
- "Morale"?
- Mm-hmm.

243
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:08,339
Oh, I think I can speak
for the entire crew...

244
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:12,760
when I say this is exactly where
we want to be on Saturday night.

245
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:15,930
- Okay. Great.
- Yeah. Yeah.

246
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,766
Rocky! Wake up, will you?

247
00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:22,436
Give me lights 25B, 25C!

248
00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:26,440
Half down on 31! That's 32!

249
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:28,276
You've done this before, right?

250
00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:29,586
Man, that's a lot of lights.

251
00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:31,338
Charlie, you're gonna drop
a testicle lifting that thing.

252
00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:32,506
Good job, Charlie.

253
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:33,674
All right. Quiet, please!

254
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:36,409
Here we go. Rehearsal's up.
Actors on their marks.

255
00:09:36,575 --> 00:09:37,868
All right. Hey, guys.

256
00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:40,288
We only have two minutes
of commercials...

257
00:09:40,454 --> 00:09:42,832
to make it from stage right
to stage left.

258
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,726
Anybody know
the load bearing on the booms?

259
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,669
- Hello, fellas.
- What's up, Joe?

260
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,462
Can I get you anything?
Refreshment?

261
00:09:48,629 --> 00:09:50,065
- Mai Tai?
- I'll take a Schaefer.

262
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,067
Try and at least act like
you're fucking working, please.

263
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,384
John, thank you
for your patience.

264
00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:54,468
Moments away, okay?

265
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:58,597
All right. Next card.
"Al 'Bud' Franken."

266
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,558
Next card. "Tom 'Bud' Davis."

267
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,685
Okay. So, this is a bit?

268
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,895
Look, I don't get
half the shit that they do.

269
00:10:05,062 --> 00:10:07,023
Next card, "Rosie 'Bud'..."
Uh...

270
00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:10,276
Lorne, is Rosie going
with Michaels or Shuster?

271
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:13,571
- That's a good question.
- Should I ask Rosie?

272
00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:15,239
No, no, no.
I'll take care of it.

273
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:17,286
- All right.
- Stew, that's good.

274
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,617
That's actually looking good.

275
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:20,578
A little more over.

276
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,266
She's been at it for hours.

277
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:23,538
She's simply doing her job.

278
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:24,874
We have to comply
with NBC standards.

279
00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:26,166
Well, I refuse to comply.

280
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,002
- Uh, Mr. O'Donoghue.
- Mmm-hmm?

281
00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:32,214
On page 12, what is clam diving?

282
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:37,011
I believe
the act of harvesting mollusks.

283
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,803
Stew!
You're killing me here.

284
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:40,365
I just need the lights
for Home Invasion.

285
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:42,015
Talk to the wonder kid!
He's trying to light

286
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,934
<i>- Jesus Christ Superstar!</i>
- Those are excuses.

287
00:10:43,935 --> 00:10:45,603
Four people up there,
get them lit.

288
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,564
I'm glad you're having fun,
but this isn't helpful.

289
00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:50,900
If that piglet
disfigures my work...

290
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,694
I'm gonna turn her uterus
into a sock puppet.

291
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:55,988
What is "Zipper Dinner"?

292
00:11:01,118 --> 00:11:03,079
How many of these
did you hide in the script?

293
00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:05,956
Maybe a dozen.
It's like a scavenger hunt.

294
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:07,416
I know what blue balls are.

295
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:08,584
You don't say.

296
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,587
Come on, people, move
with purpose. Let's do this.

297
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,006
Al, is that your one?
Come on, give it.

298
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:16,884
All right. Quiet, please!
Rehearsal is up.

299
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:18,259
Assault and burglary.

300
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,137
Okay. Actors on your marks, please.

301
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:21,388
Cameras on their marks.

302
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:22,473
- Here we go.
- Hey.

303
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,539
Okay! Let's see if we can
get through one of these skits.

304
00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:31,064
Sketches! Davy, please.

305
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,148
And action on rehearsals.

306
00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:33,989
Okay. Ready, Camera One?
Take Camera One.

307
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:38,322
Look, honey. <i>Boeing Boeing</i> with
Jerry Lewis is on in 10 minutes.

308
00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:40,615
Ready, Camera Two?
Take Camera Two.

309
00:11:40,616 --> 00:11:43,035
<i>Uh, sweetheart, I'm tired.
I think I'm just gonna...</i>

310
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:45,287
have another glass
of diet root beer

311
00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,956
and go to bed, okay?

312
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:50,626
- Aykroyd!
- Cue, Danny.

313
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:56,215
What's the problem?

314
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:57,591
What's going on, Dan?

315
00:11:58,050 --> 00:11:59,385
It's a little lodged.

316
00:12:00,740 --> 00:12:01,740
Hi, there!

317
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:02,972
Please do not be alarmed.

318
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,939
This is only a simulated
assault and burglary.

319
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,309
Repeat. This is a simulated
assault and burglary.

320
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,102
This could happen to you
at any time. In fact...

321
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:10,229
<i>- it just has.
- Call the police!</i>

322
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,313
<i>No, no!</i>

323
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,399
Don't call the police.
I am the police.

324
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:14,566
Well, I might be, anyway.

325
00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:17,570
- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer...
- Hold!

326
00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:19,864
Aykroyd, one giant step
to the right, please.

327
00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:21,197
Yeah. My right?

328
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:22,240
- Yes.
- Sure.

329
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,243
Uh, say, man, you want me
to say anything in this?

330
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,204
Or am I the silent robber type?

331
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,373
I think we're gonna
stick to the script this time.

332
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:30,976
- What script?
- Thanks, Garrett.

333
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,252
Okay. Here we go.
And action on rehearsal.

334
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:35,629
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer.

335
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:36,956
<i>My name is Kenny Vorstrather.</i>

336
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,467
<i>I'm president
of Trojan Horse Home Security.</i>

337
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:41,987
I have broken into your home
tonight to illustrate to you...

338
00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:43,012
and your family just how...

339
00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:44,555
Watch out!

340
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:46,806
Shit!

341
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:48,057
Have your girders been checked?

342
00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:49,393
Piece of shit!
You fucking piece of shit!

343
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,520
I'll fucking break
your fucking jaw!

344
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:54,815
Play the cameras back.
Play the cameras back. Let's go.

345
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,368
John, are you hurt?

346
00:12:57,369 --> 00:12:59,004
Jesus Christ!

347
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,069
You okay?

348
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:02,156
Need a new gun.
Where's props for me, please?

349
00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:03,449
Can somebody
clear the children, please?

350
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,610
Excuse me. Watch out, please.

351
00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,410
Why? You got
any more fucking lights

352
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:07,661
you want to drop on us?

353
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:09,704
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe, motherfucker!

354
00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:11,499
Want me to break
your fucking jaw for you?

355
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,624
Fucking amateur hour!

356
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,710
I'll bust your fucking jaw
for you, motherfucker!

357
00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:17,171
Hey! Hey! How dare you
endanger my actors?

358
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:18,255
Lorne. Lorne, it's not worth it.

359
00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:19,339
Really? Yeah.

360
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,529
You're the one asking
for 100 fucking light cues, pal!

361
00:13:21,530 --> 00:13:23,719
Well, feel free to let me know
when my expectations

362
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:24,802
surpass your abilities.

363
00:13:24,803 --> 00:13:26,198
There's a shit-ton of lights.
It's not worth it.

364
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,158
You know, I don't know, guys.
It was kind of exciting.

365
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:29,517
Like, it's probably good luck.

366
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:31,602
Wallie.

367
00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:35,397
Uh. This thing's not gonna work.
I need...

368
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:36,481
Something with
a little more heft.

369
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,317
It's got no stopping power.
You know what I mean?

370
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,777
The script said pistol.

371
00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:41,922
Well, the script
specifically called for...

372
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,615
a Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.

373
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:45,823
Do we go again?

374
00:13:45,824 --> 00:13:47,743
Uh, in this deathtrap?

375
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,054
Well, we've worked out
the kinks.

376
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:51,330
You know, I still think
it was kind of funny.

377
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,249
How high will this thing go, Al?

378
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,143
- Gilda. Gilda.
- Say hello to the cameras, boys.

379
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,378
There's home base...

380
00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:58,753
Kid, this ain't an armory.

381
00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:00,589
No one's gonna notice
the difference.

382
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:01,756
I'll tell you who'll notice.

383
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:02,924
A few of the fine folks
at home...

384
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,760
who lugged M16s through
four feet of swamp juice

385
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,032
in Quang Nam.

386
00:14:06,033 --> 00:14:07,304
Hey, boys!

387
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:09,306
Guess I picked the wrong day
to not wear underwear.

388
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:10,390
Don't look too hard.

389
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:11,474
Proud of yourself?

390
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:13,328
I'll give you and this circus
till the end of the week.

391
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:15,552
That's funny. 'Cause I give you
till the end of the day.

392
00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:18,524
All right, everyone.
Let's get this thing cleaned up.

393
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,440
Ah, ah, ah, ah...

394
00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:22,403
Grab a light, broom, dustpan.
We'll get all this glass.

395
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:23,529
Mmm-mmm.

396
00:14:24,863 --> 00:14:26,532
Thank you, <i>hermano.</i>

397
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,157
All right, Neil,
not with the keys right now.

398
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:38,085
Pow, pow! Pow, pow!

399
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:40,087
Hey, come on, man.

400
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:41,755
Violence? Really?

401
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:45,009
Ha-ha! My main man, Jim!

402
00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:49,221
Say, sorry for shooting
your Muppets, man.

403
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,931
They're not just...

404
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:52,891
They're your co-stars.

405
00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:57,313
Is that you?
You all right there, Jim?

406
00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,231
Yes.

407
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:01,609
No.

408
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:06,322
I don't think the writers
on the 17th floor speak Muppet.

409
00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:08,657
They tied a belt
around Big Bird's neck...

410
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:11,619
and hung him
from my dressing room door.

411
00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:14,163
Hey, I heard about Big Bird.
I'm so sorry.

412
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,414
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Who knew?

413
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:18,751
You're full of baloney.

414
00:15:18,917 --> 00:15:20,477
- Uh-oh. Cursing.
- Consider me...

415
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,588
the first rat
off this sinkin' ship!

416
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,380
- Oh, really?
- Don't jump to...

417
00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:27,426
Oh, wow, that's mature. Well,
what can I say? Bon voyage.

418
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,595
Lorne, he was our lighting
director. We need lights.

419
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:30,989
I'm sure there's someone
else in the building...

420
00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:32,574
- who can push a button, Dick.
- Hey, he's the only one

421
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,758
who knows the location
of the 200 lights you asked for.

422
00:15:35,851 --> 00:15:36,852
What is this?

423
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:39,897
What's the meaning of this?
Who did this?

424
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:43,025
Hey, I thought
we were making a comedy!

425
00:15:58,832 --> 00:16:01,271
Mmm...

426
00:16:01,272 --> 00:16:03,712
Sounding good, guys.

427
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,049
Yeah. Okay.

428
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:09,551
- All right.
- Say, uh...

429
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:11,303
we actually
worked together before.

430
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,889
I sang backup for Belafonte.

431
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,184
Catch that?

432
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,854
<i>♪ Drink the coconut water ♪</i>

433
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:22,021
<i>♪ Four to five! ♪</i>

434
00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:23,941
<i>♪ Man, it's good
For you daughter... ♪</i>

435
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,192
<i>♪ Four to five! ♪</i>

436
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,653
<i>♪ Coco got a lotta iron ♪</i>

437
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:34,368
The guy is singing, too.

438
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,121
How many people
do they have playin' tonight?

439
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:40,749
No. No, no. See, I am one of
the comedic performers, man.

440
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:42,418
- Yeah, I'm in the cast.
- Uh-huh.

441
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:45,546
You are a professional comedian?

442
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:48,382
Uh... Well, uh... No, not...
Not... Not...

443
00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:49,966
- Not by trade.
- Okay.

444
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,567
Uh... You see,
I'm actually a playwright.

445
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,345
- All right.
- Perhaps you saw my work...

446
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:56,432
at the Black Arts
Repertory Theatre in Harlem.

447
00:16:56,598 --> 00:16:58,100
Yeah, I must have missed that.

448
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:02,396
Yeah. I actually don't know
why they hired me, man.

449
00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:06,066
Yeah, you seem a little tight.

450
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:07,359
- A little...
- Do I?

451
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,695
Yeah, you gotta kinda
loosen it up for the show.

452
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,029
Say, Alvin...

453
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:12,573
Hook Mr...

454
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,575
- What's your name?
- Garrett Morris.

455
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,869
Garrett Morris, y'all,
the comedian.

456
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:18,562
Yeah,
hook Mr. Garrett Morris up...

457
00:17:19,037 --> 00:17:21,707
with a little bit of confidence.
You know what I'm saying?

458
00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:24,418
- Yeah, come...
- Okay.

459
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:25,794
Go ahead and get it.

460
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:26,962
Medical grade.

461
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:29,465
Shit so light,
air at the bottom of the bottle.

462
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:30,632
You're gonna float.

463
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:32,593
Float?

464
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,810
- I'm gonna put this away.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

465
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,930
This is illegal.

466
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,768
Yeah, well, you're gonna
need it. For your comedy.

467
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,603
- Right. Right.
- Yeah.

468
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:44,938
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.

469
00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:47,375
- All right, y'all, let's get it.
- Scotty, sound check.

470
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:49,079
All right, everyone,
quiet for sound check.

471
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:50,944
Sound check!

472
00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:52,487
This should be fun.

473
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,332
Is this full volume?

474
00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:04,832
The whole enchilada.

475
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,313
Sounds pretty adequate to me.

476
00:18:06,314 --> 00:18:07,794
Well, this isn't Wimbledon.

477
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:10,130
It needs to feel like a rock
concert for everyone at home.

478
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:12,257
Lorne has such
a deep appreciation for music.

479
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,675
Shouldn't we have more mics?

480
00:18:13,842 --> 00:18:15,052
One band, one mic.

481
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:20,030
Dick, this needs to be fixed
for tonight.

482
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:21,659
That's what
I've been talking about.

483
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:23,018
Three, four.

484
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,486
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this for John?

485
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:33,813
Yeah, I heard he's in makeup.

486
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,572
Do you like being yelled at
or something?

487
00:18:35,739 --> 00:18:36,782
Here, I've got you.

488
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:39,201
Where are you going?

489
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:53,590
Jimmy, do not bet
on that hand, please.

490
00:18:58,387 --> 00:18:59,805
Can you hold the door?

491
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:02,474
Yeah, I think so.

492
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:03,641
Ooh.

493
00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:05,769
- Easy on the macaroni, Carmine.
- All right.

494
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,604
You don't want
to hurt your stomach.

495
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:08,689
All right, Rosie.

496
00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:15,612
There he is...

497
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:18,198
the star of the show.

498
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,993
Come on, Rosie.
Not the fucking bees!

499
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:24,913
I'm not a dashboard ornament.

500
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:28,542
No, you're adorable,
is what you are...

501
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:32,754
and all that fur, every girl's
gonna want to squeeze you.

502
00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:36,341
I am a trained professional.

503
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,136
Well, you better watch
where you point that stinger.

504
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:42,472
Come on. You want a little cig?

505
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:47,394
What happened to my reporter
costume? Blaine Hotel?

506
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:48,686
It's a five-second changeover

507
00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,327
from the reporter
to ancient Greece, okay?

508
00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:52,595
Lorne didn't think you'd
have time to get into your toga.

509
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:54,318
Okay.

510
00:19:59,489 --> 00:20:01,533
Excuse me, ma'am.

511
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:02,743
Don't be alarmed.

512
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:06,288
You're dealing with
a fully-qualified male strumpet.

513
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,832
Hey, Rosie, I got
the latest version of New Dad.

514
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:10,000
Okay.

515
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:11,668
Behave.

516
00:20:12,127 --> 00:20:13,420
Bee-have.

517
00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:17,466
I can assure you
professional hygiene...

518
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,344
discretion,
animal gratification...

519
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:21,511
Listen, strumpet...

520
00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:23,639
It's Fred Garvin.
Male prostitute.

521
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:25,140
How much is this gonna cost me?

522
00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:26,975
Hey, need you in costumes.

523
00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:29,394
I told them to make those
hot pants extra hot.

524
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:30,604
Yummy.

525
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,940
Lorne, we're gonna go check out
the cut on New Dad,

526
00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,024
you want to see?

527
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:39,321
Holy shit, holy shit.
Sorry, Lorne. Jesus.

528
00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:40,864
Hey, I heard John
doesn't like the bee costume.

529
00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:42,025
You know anything about this?

530
00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:44,075
It's not a costume problem.
He thinks he's Brando.

531
00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:45,202
- He's better than Brando.
- Lorne, Lorne.

532
00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:46,410
I'm working on it, Dick.

533
00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:48,433
He's better than Brando.
He's more important even.

534
00:20:48,434 --> 00:20:50,457
- He'll be studied.
- They will study his liver.

535
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,458
John is better when he's angry.

536
00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:54,044
Rose, you understand
that in an hour,

537
00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:55,169
I owe a television program?

538
00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:56,275
I made a covenant
with the National...

539
00:20:56,276 --> 00:20:57,380
- Broadcasting Company.
- A covenant, huh?

540
00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:59,549
Yeah, a covenant, and I'm on
the hook for 90 minutes...

541
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,551
- of live television.
- Okay, Abraham.

542
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:06,556
Rose, must you turn him
into a bee?

543
00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:07,933
I am not turning him into a bee.

544
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,016
Thanks, Tom.

545
00:21:09,017 --> 00:21:11,228
He is a man in a bee costume.

546
00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:12,688
- There is a difference.
- Hmm.

547
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,691
It's an image
you can't get out of your head.

548
00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:19,611
It's postmodern,
it's Warhol, it's iconic.

549
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:20,861
Mmm-hmm.

550
00:21:20,862 --> 00:21:22,262
Where do these ideas
even come from?

551
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:24,992
I just send an imaginary dog
to fetch an imaginary stick.

552
00:21:25,158 --> 00:21:26,493
Yeah? Must be some dog.

553
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,370
He's very well trained.

554
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:29,955
<i>Honey, I'm home.</i>

555
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,206
<i>Hey, pal.</i>

556
00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:33,541
<i>Hey.</i>

557
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:34,625
<i>How are ya?</i>

558
00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:36,545
Looks like
Chevy's fiancée slipped and fell

559
00:21:36,546 --> 00:21:37,795
into another segment.

560
00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:40,196
Jacqueline's gonna be hosting
the show if you're not careful.

561
00:21:40,257 --> 00:21:41,299
Jesus Christ.

562
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:43,301
<i>A wonderful family.</i>

563
00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:44,635
<i>Everything you need...</i>

564
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:46,076
<i>for the future.</i>

565
00:21:46,179 --> 00:21:47,659
- Danny's good in this.
- Yeah, he is.

566
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:50,726
<i>What if you were suddenly
out of the picture?</i>

567
00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:52,686
Can we add sound there
over the X?

568
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:55,188
- Like a buzzer?
- No, funny, like a bell.

569
00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:56,440
Good call.

570
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:58,358
And if we could hold
on the photo

571
00:21:58,359 --> 00:21:59,672
for another eight frames.

572
00:21:59,673 --> 00:22:00,986
Um, 16 frames.

573
00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:04,781
Were you...

574
00:22:06,074 --> 00:22:08,201
thinking of going home
with him tonight?

575
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:10,037
With Danny? Tonight?

576
00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:11,621
Yeah. I mean, I'm not suggesting
that you weren't gonna tell me.

577
00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:12,705
If you need alone time,
I can, I just...

578
00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:14,290
No, no, no. I just didn't know,
like, if you were...

579
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:15,876
It's opening night.
So, I figured that it wasn't

580
00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:17,517
- the right time.
- I mean, neither did I.

581
00:22:17,544 --> 00:22:18,744
Well, then why are you asking?

582
00:22:18,879 --> 00:22:20,797
Just avoiding surprises, Rose.

583
00:22:20,964 --> 00:22:22,799
- But you love surprises.
- I love surprises.

584
00:22:22,966 --> 00:22:25,134
Like Anne Frank
loved her drum set.

585
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:27,262
Don't encourage her.

586
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,138
Can you hold on the photo

587
00:22:29,139 --> 00:22:30,459
for another eight frames, please?

588
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:31,516
It's always eight frames.

589
00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:33,685
Eight frames is a beat. So...

590
00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:37,707
Can you believe I need to cut
an hour of the show?

591
00:22:37,731 --> 00:22:40,067
NBC doesn't want a three-hour
sketch comedy review?

592
00:22:40,233 --> 00:22:41,943
Jesus, Rose,
don't call it that, please.

593
00:22:42,110 --> 00:22:43,612
Well, what is it, then?

594
00:22:43,779 --> 00:22:45,030
<i>Honey, I'm home.</i>

595
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,199
<i>Yes, it's New Dad.</i>

596
00:22:47,365 --> 00:22:48,825
I spent years collecting
orphaned comedians

597
00:22:48,826 --> 00:22:49,910
off the street.

598
00:22:50,077 --> 00:22:51,203
I know.

599
00:22:51,369 --> 00:22:53,389
They sleep on our dinette
and they whiz in our sink.

600
00:22:53,413 --> 00:22:54,613
By some miraculous accident...

601
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,165
I found a place to call home

602
00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:57,667
for our little circus
of rejects,

603
00:22:57,668 --> 00:22:59,086
on national television.

604
00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:00,712
Rose, this is our shot.

605
00:23:00,879 --> 00:23:02,339
It's a shot.

606
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:03,507
Rose...

607
00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:07,219
You're actually nervous.

608
00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:12,974
Oh, uh...

609
00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:15,519
Barbara was asking about, um...

610
00:23:16,144 --> 00:23:19,314
your credit... on the show.

611
00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:21,316
I figured
you'd go with Michaels.

612
00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:22,692
Is that what you want?

613
00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:27,864
I mean, you know, we're married
and you're my wife.

614
00:23:28,031 --> 00:23:30,367
I figured
it's the straightest line.

615
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:32,452
Lorne, we're married,
but I'm not your wife.

616
00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,704
Yeah, I don't think
that'll fit on a crawl.

617
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:36,373
Well, what would you prefer?

618
00:23:40,043 --> 00:23:41,377
Lorne, Lorne, NBC execs

619
00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:42,858
are waiting
in the green room for you.

620
00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:44,881
- Fuck.
- VTR needed this yesterday.

621
00:23:45,048 --> 00:23:46,216
Well, it looks great.

622
00:23:48,426 --> 00:23:51,012
- Tom, Al, what's this about?
- Hey, Lorne.

623
00:23:51,179 --> 00:23:53,140
- A last-minute piece.
- Just in case you need it.

624
00:23:53,306 --> 00:23:54,432
I don't. What's the gag?

625
00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:56,893
We're gonna dress Aykroyd up
as Julia Childs.

626
00:23:57,060 --> 00:23:58,520
- America's favorite chef.
- Okay.

627
00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:00,790
And right as she's carvin' up
a turkey on live television...

628
00:24:00,814 --> 00:24:02,858
She slices open an artery.
Blood everywhere.

629
00:24:03,024 --> 00:24:04,192
Everywhere.

630
00:24:05,944 --> 00:24:06,945
That's the whole pitch?

631
00:24:07,112 --> 00:24:08,154
Yeah, just America's
favorite chef

632
00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:09,197
painting the walls
with her insides.

633
00:24:09,198 --> 00:24:10,281
Total gore fest.

634
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:11,658
It's gonna be utter carnage, boss.

635
00:24:11,659 --> 00:24:13,659
Oh, no, I'm Julia Childs

636
00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:15,390
and I've cut the dickens
out of my finger.

637
00:24:15,391 --> 00:24:16,819
- Sounds promising.
- Wait, wait, boss.

638
00:24:16,820 --> 00:24:18,248
I didn't even get
to the good part yet.

639
00:24:18,249 --> 00:24:19,331
Just put down a tarp.

640
00:24:19,332 --> 00:24:20,876
Yeah, he doesn't like
the Julia Childs bit.

641
00:24:20,877 --> 00:24:22,565
Uh, George...

642
00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:26,380
- How's Carlin?
- Warming up the pipes.

643
00:24:26,381 --> 00:24:29,134
Okay, well, heard Belushi
hasn't signed his contract yet.

644
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:30,426
Eh. Formality.

645
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,678
Uh, yeah, well,
they're pretty formal here.

646
00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:35,056
Uh, speaking of, the folks in
standards are a little uneasy...

647
00:24:35,057 --> 00:24:36,182
about the parody commercial

648
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:37,683
playing right before
the regular ads.

649
00:24:37,684 --> 00:24:39,519
I think they think the viewers
might be a little confused.

650
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,521
One might argue that's
what makes it humorous, Dick.

651
00:24:41,522 --> 00:24:42,898
Yeah, but, Lorne,
at what point are we

652
00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:44,231
not just making fun
of the audience?

653
00:24:44,232 --> 00:24:46,066
Hardly. It's com media dell'arte.
If anything,

654
00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:48,296
it'll make the other commercials
feel all the more real...

655
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,071
and the sponsors
will probably thank you.

656
00:24:50,614 --> 00:24:51,883
Who's in there?
Should I be concerned?

657
00:24:51,907 --> 00:24:53,532
No. Just try not to use words

658
00:24:53,533 --> 00:24:55,243
like "underground"
or "revolutionary."

659
00:24:55,410 --> 00:24:56,530
I'm not exactly Che Guevara.

660
00:24:56,661 --> 00:24:57,661
Yeah.

661
00:24:59,414 --> 00:25:01,017
What the fuck? There's like
a thousand people in there.

662
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:03,293
Fifty. The affiliates,
from across the country.

663
00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:04,687
Lorne, they're excited
to see the show.

664
00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:05,938
I don't have time for this,
Dick.

665
00:25:05,962 --> 00:25:07,631
Lorne, these are the people
that will decide

666
00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:09,174
whether or not we have a hit.

667
00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:12,135
They choose whether we go
on the air. We need them.

668
00:25:14,804 --> 00:25:16,389
- Three minutes?
- Tops.

669
00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:20,185
Gentlemen. Hello.
Lorne Michaels.

670
00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:21,686
Hi. Lorne Michaels.

671
00:25:21,853 --> 00:25:24,147
Hi. Lorne Michaels.
Nice to meet you. Pleasure.

672
00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:26,066
Lorne Michaels. This is my show.

673
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:28,610
Hi, where are we flying in from,
gentlemen? Chicago and...

674
00:25:28,777 --> 00:25:30,737
- New Orleans.
- New Orleans? Wow. Fantastic.

675
00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:33,365
Well, we're very lucky
to have some Southerners here.

676
00:25:33,531 --> 00:25:34,783
Hi. Nice to meet you.

677
00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:37,827
Hi, gentlemen. Lorne Michaels.
I'm the creator of the show.

678
00:25:37,994 --> 00:25:40,038
Hi. Wow. Firm handshake. Hi.

679
00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:42,624
I appreciate your support,
gentlemen. Thank you. Hello. Hi.

680
00:25:42,791 --> 00:25:44,542
- Tallahassee.
- Tallahassee? Wow.

681
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,378
- Ladies and gentlemen.
- Hi.

682
00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:49,079
Who am I kidding? Gentlemen...

683
00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:52,801
Can I see that?

684
00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:54,511
Thank you.

685
00:25:55,679 --> 00:25:56,845
Hope this isn't the only thing

686
00:25:56,846 --> 00:25:58,515
getting sucked
on this weekend, boys.

687
00:25:59,516 --> 00:26:01,893
Jesus, you guys look like
the cast of <i>Godfather</i>

688
00:26:01,894 --> 00:26:03,603
if it was shot in Alabama.

689
00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:07,315
I see some cowboys here.

690
00:26:07,482 --> 00:26:09,234
That's a hell
of a 10-gallon hat.

691
00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:11,561
You look like you're ready
for a date with a livestock.

692
00:26:13,947 --> 00:26:15,407
Welcome to New York.

693
00:26:15,573 --> 00:26:16,741
It's quite diverse.

694
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:18,594
If you want to meet
Black people, go to Harlem.

695
00:26:18,618 --> 00:26:20,662
If you want to meet Jews,
come to our writer's room.

696
00:26:22,497 --> 00:26:24,499
Sir, you look like
you're from Ohio.

697
00:26:24,666 --> 00:26:27,335
My favorite thing about Ohio...

698
00:26:30,046 --> 00:26:31,686
Let me introduce you
to our head writer...

699
00:26:32,382 --> 00:26:35,218
our prince of darkness,
Michael O'Donoghue.

700
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:38,053
Thank you. Thank you, Chevy.

701
00:26:38,054 --> 00:26:40,807
Um, I'm certain
you all know Mr. Rogers.

702
00:26:40,974 --> 00:26:43,184
Perhaps the most kind
and gentle man

703
00:26:43,185 --> 00:26:44,394
in all of television.

704
00:26:44,561 --> 00:26:48,064
This is my impression
of Mr. Rogers...

705
00:26:48,231 --> 00:26:51,401
plunging 18-inch
steel sewing needles...

706
00:26:51,568 --> 00:26:52,569
into his eyes.

707
00:27:05,623 --> 00:27:07,792
Okay. Okay. Thank you, Michael.

708
00:27:07,793 --> 00:27:08,835
Um...

709
00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:11,296
Well, now you know
why they put us on at midnight.

710
00:27:11,297 --> 00:27:12,339
Um...

711
00:27:14,883 --> 00:27:16,763
Uh, hello, everybody,
my name is Lorne Michaels.

712
00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:20,722
I'm the producer
and creator of <i>Saturday Night.</i>

713
00:27:22,682 --> 00:27:24,482
We have a wonderful show
for you this evening.

714
00:27:24,559 --> 00:27:27,645
George Carlin,
the great Billy Preston...

715
00:27:28,772 --> 00:27:29,898
a film by Albert Brooks.

716
00:27:30,357 --> 00:27:32,525
Jim Henson's Muppets.

717
00:27:33,526 --> 00:27:36,154
We're, uh, excited for tonight.

718
00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:37,946
Uh...

719
00:27:37,947 --> 00:27:40,325
Because there's never been
a television show...

720
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:43,703
made for or by the generation...

721
00:27:43,870 --> 00:27:46,664
that grew up
watching television. So...

722
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:53,588
In the words
of my dear friend Che Guevara...

723
00:27:54,089 --> 00:27:55,965
this is the revolution.

724
00:27:55,966 --> 00:27:57,279
Yes. Yes.

725
00:27:58,593 --> 00:27:59,803
Who's with us?

726
00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:01,304
Heads on pikes!

727
00:28:01,971 --> 00:28:04,557
Blood will run in the streets!

728
00:28:06,059 --> 00:28:07,352
Gentlemen, behold...

729
00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:09,288
if you listen closely,
you can hear...

730
00:28:09,312 --> 00:28:11,689
Buffalo Bob shuckin' the cob
with Howdy Doody.

731
00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:12,941
Lorne can get
a little passionate.

732
00:28:12,942 --> 00:28:14,401
And so can Chevy.

733
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:15,976
- Blood in the streets?
- Yeah.

734
00:28:16,069 --> 00:28:17,737
- Well, that sounds delightful.
- Mmm-hmm

735
00:28:17,904 --> 00:28:20,240
How much are we spending
on this insurrection?

736
00:28:20,241 --> 00:28:22,492
Uh, about 250 an episode.

737
00:28:22,659 --> 00:28:24,702
Well, I guess
revolutions aren't cheap.

738
00:28:24,703 --> 00:28:25,787
Right.

739
00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:28,373
What is this?
Absolutely not.

740
00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:30,542
No. No, no, no. We're not
gonna beg for their approval.

741
00:28:30,543 --> 00:28:31,668
No, take it down,
we don't need this.

742
00:28:31,669 --> 00:28:32,751
Well, you know...

743
00:28:32,752 --> 00:28:34,295
Lorne Michaels is
a special bird, you know.

744
00:28:34,296 --> 00:28:35,380
He believes in his vision.

745
00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:37,799
Well, that's nice.

746
00:28:38,716 --> 00:28:39,716
Mmm...

747
00:28:40,969 --> 00:28:42,387
And he doesn't really bend.

748
00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:46,349
We know how that story goes.

749
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,352
Mmm-hmm.

750
00:28:50,645 --> 00:28:52,772
Des Moines.
How'd you escape?

751
00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:54,691
Well, I appreciate
you saying that.

752
00:28:55,275 --> 00:28:57,694
My father had good taste
and my mom was an alcoholic.

753
00:28:57,861 --> 00:29:01,448
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Can I borrow him for a moment?

754
00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:03,324
Enjoy the show, gentlemen.

755
00:29:04,451 --> 00:29:06,034
You held that room like a pro.

756
00:29:06,035 --> 00:29:08,079
- Thank you.
- I mean it.

757
00:29:08,496 --> 00:29:10,540
I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent.

758
00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:12,750
You know,
I handle <i>The Tonight Show.</i>

759
00:29:13,084 --> 00:29:14,335
I didn't know that.

760
00:29:15,295 --> 00:29:16,296
Between us...

761
00:29:16,463 --> 00:29:18,756
Johnny Carson isn't gonna
be around forever.

762
00:29:20,341 --> 00:29:21,509
Think about it.

763
00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:25,472
You're a handsome,
funny gentile.

764
00:29:27,557 --> 00:29:28,892
That means something.

765
00:29:41,070 --> 00:29:43,323
Uh, Lorne,
you remember Dave Tebet.

766
00:29:44,073 --> 00:29:45,116
Oh, of course.

767
00:29:45,283 --> 00:29:46,594
I remember everyone
who gives me a job, Dick.

768
00:29:46,618 --> 00:29:47,785
Smart kid.

769
00:29:47,952 --> 00:29:49,496
Quite a lineup this evening.

770
00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:51,213
You know, while I have you,
I do understand

771
00:29:51,214 --> 00:29:52,766
that we are bending
some of the rules...

772
00:29:52,790 --> 00:29:55,084
Lorne, this is NBC.
There is a way things are done.

773
00:29:55,251 --> 00:29:56,628
- The Peacock way.
- Right.

774
00:29:56,794 --> 00:29:57,837
Well, we are thinking
a little differently.

775
00:29:57,838 --> 00:29:59,046
We just, you know...

776
00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:00,255
You know, maybe an emu.

777
00:30:00,256 --> 00:30:01,525
Hey, that's... Well, I just...

778
00:30:01,549 --> 00:30:02,592
Dick, shut the fuck up.

779
00:30:04,385 --> 00:30:07,722
Can't you see talent when it's
standing inches from your face?

780
00:30:07,723 --> 00:30:09,492
- Mmm-hmm.
- What do you think he's gonna do?

781
00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,768
Embarrass us
with some half-assed,

782
00:30:11,769 --> 00:30:13,269
rat-fuck donkey show?

783
00:30:13,436 --> 00:30:15,164
Frankly, that's exactly
what I signed up for.

784
00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:16,898
- Michael.
- I expect you...

785
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:20,610
to be an unbending force
of seismic disturbance.

786
00:30:20,985 --> 00:30:24,696
Light up that NBC switchboard
like a bomb went off.

787
00:30:24,697 --> 00:30:27,595
Well, I promise
not to play the music too loud.

788
00:30:27,596 --> 00:30:30,495
Oh, fuck that. This isn't
the Moose Jaw Jazz Festival.

789
00:30:30,662 --> 00:30:31,829
It's <i>Saturday</i> fucking Night.

790
00:30:31,996 --> 00:30:33,998
I want you
to be thunderous and deafening.

791
00:30:34,165 --> 00:30:36,960
If my ears don't bleed,
I'll be asking for a refund.

792
00:30:37,126 --> 00:30:38,920
Great. I mean,
I've always seen this

793
00:30:38,921 --> 00:30:40,081
as a collision that erupts...

794
00:30:40,213 --> 00:30:41,857
- from every screen in America.
- Yes. Yes.

795
00:30:41,881 --> 00:30:44,217
A prism that captures the light
of an emerging generation.

796
00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:46,511
Stop! Don't say another word.

797
00:30:46,678 --> 00:30:50,139
Don't question another instinct.

798
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:51,975
- Ebersol?
- Yes?

799
00:30:52,850 --> 00:30:55,311
We're standing in the presence
of a prophet.

800
00:30:55,478 --> 00:30:56,622
Yeah, he certainly
talks like a...

801
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:59,732
A man with a vision.

802
00:31:00,149 --> 00:31:02,318
And I want you
to take that vision...

803
00:31:02,819 --> 00:31:04,445
like a Sherman Tank...

804
00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:08,032
and plow through any fuck
that gets in your way.

805
00:31:08,199 --> 00:31:09,576
Even me.

806
00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:13,621
"Use emotion for the many
and reserve reason for the few."

807
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:15,123
I like that.

808
00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:17,417
I'm putting it on my wall.

809
00:31:20,503 --> 00:31:22,004
Was that a Hitler quote?

810
00:31:22,005 --> 00:31:23,673
Atrocities aside,
the man was a wordsmith.

811
00:31:23,674 --> 00:31:25,173
You missed a call
from Johnny Carson.

812
00:31:25,174 --> 00:31:26,426
I picked up the phone
'cause it was ringing.

813
00:31:26,427 --> 00:31:27,509
What did you tell him?

814
00:31:27,510 --> 00:31:29,262
I told... I don't remember.
He hung up on me.

815
00:31:29,263 --> 00:31:30,679
Lorne, Lorne.
Is that a bunk bed?

816
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,324
I did have
a UFO encounter experience once.

817
00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:33,492
Danny ordered it for his office.

818
00:31:33,516 --> 00:31:35,685
That's confidence. Can you find
me something to eat?

819
00:31:35,852 --> 00:31:37,937
Neil, why would
he order a bunk bed?

820
00:31:39,522 --> 00:31:40,898
Could you get that hippie shit
out of my face?

821
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,441
And I am actually very strong.

822
00:31:42,442 --> 00:31:43,525
Thinking that
he can do the voice?

823
00:31:43,526 --> 00:31:45,278
- It's Aykroyd. Of course he can.
- It's Aykroyd.

824
00:31:45,279 --> 00:31:46,547
But that doesn't
necessarily mean anything.

825
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:47,572
Hello, boys.

826
00:31:47,739 --> 00:31:49,379
- Hey, Mike. Are you nervous?
- Hey, Mike.

827
00:31:49,532 --> 00:31:51,332
- Nervous about what?
- Performing on live TV.

828
00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:52,660
I'd be shitting bricks.

829
00:31:52,827 --> 00:31:56,456
Television is merely a lava lamp
with slightly better audio.

830
00:31:57,123 --> 00:31:59,167
Colored beads
to fascinate the animal.

831
00:31:59,334 --> 00:32:00,960
I could do it
in a narcoleptic coma.

832
00:32:01,127 --> 00:32:03,129
Hello, Herb.
How's Update coming?

833
00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:05,631
South Vietnam has seized
and burned

834
00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:07,967
100,000 <i>Playboy</i> magazines.

835
00:32:08,134 --> 00:32:09,534
I'm still working
on the punch line.

836
00:32:10,845 --> 00:32:13,723
For miles, all anyone
could smell was roast bunny.

837
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:18,686
That's the one. Grab it, boys.
We need that couch.

838
00:32:19,604 --> 00:32:21,022
- Rise and shine.
- Oh, God.

839
00:32:21,648 --> 00:32:23,488
- Coming through, coming through.
- Whoo! Okay.

840
00:32:24,464 --> 00:32:25,734
Oh, pages.

841
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:26,819
- Watch your back.
- Coming through.

842
00:32:26,820 --> 00:32:28,821
Oh. Here we are.

843
00:32:30,865 --> 00:32:31,991
You all right there, Chev?

844
00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:34,702
Things are...

845
00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:36,829
kooper kippy, Herb.

846
00:32:37,497 --> 00:32:38,790
I think it just happened.

847
00:32:38,956 --> 00:32:41,125
Think I got
the old shoulder tap.

848
00:32:42,210 --> 00:32:43,419
- The what?
- You know...

849
00:32:44,087 --> 00:32:45,588
from the guys upstairs.

850
00:32:46,798 --> 00:32:49,258
What's gonna happen to me?
I mean, Herb...

851
00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:53,596
you've been around the block.
Where am I going from here?

852
00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:54,847
Well, I don't know, Chevy.

853
00:32:55,223 --> 00:32:56,891
I never got a shoulder tap.

854
00:32:57,642 --> 00:32:59,185
I just made a fortune...

855
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:01,187
and won a few Emmys...

856
00:33:01,354 --> 00:33:02,554
and slept with Gloria Steinem.

857
00:33:02,980 --> 00:33:04,060
Two out of three ain't bad.

858
00:33:04,315 --> 00:33:05,316
Here we are.

859
00:33:05,900 --> 00:33:07,580
Oh, wow,
you're in so many scenes.

860
00:33:07,652 --> 00:33:11,197
Well... Yeah, but I'm always
everyone's kid sister.

861
00:33:11,364 --> 00:33:12,365
You're the hot one.

862
00:33:12,532 --> 00:33:14,117
I think Jane's the hot one.

863
00:33:14,283 --> 00:33:17,453
No, I'm the mom.
The still-fuckable mom.

864
00:33:19,205 --> 00:33:21,124
My instinct is that
the American people

865
00:33:21,125 --> 00:33:23,084
are gonna fall in love with you.

866
00:33:23,751 --> 00:33:27,338
You'll be obscenely overpaid
for pratfalls and cute jokes.

867
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:29,549
You'll waste away
most of your life...

868
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:32,009
with purchased company.

869
00:33:32,635 --> 00:33:34,315
And then eventually
you'll self-medicate...

870
00:33:34,387 --> 00:33:37,223
with booze and hookers
and heroin.

871
00:33:38,015 --> 00:33:39,809
I imagine you'll die alone.

872
00:33:40,810 --> 00:33:42,979
Falling out of a hotel room
window in Stockholm.

873
00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:44,147
Jesus.

874
00:33:45,022 --> 00:33:46,023
I can't wait.

875
00:33:46,524 --> 00:33:48,151
Well, you're
everyone's favorite, Gilda.

876
00:33:48,443 --> 00:33:50,653
I'm just a bagel
looking for lox.

877
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:53,740
I'm a parrot
with nothing to squawk.

878
00:33:53,906 --> 00:33:55,116
Well, I keep feeling
like any minute,

879
00:33:55,117 --> 00:33:57,075
Lorne's just gonna ship me back.

880
00:33:57,076 --> 00:33:59,912
Oh. No. On this budget,
we can't afford the postage.

881
00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:01,371
There's a reason you're here.

882
00:34:01,372 --> 00:34:02,831
You may not know it,
but Lorne does.

883
00:34:02,832 --> 00:34:04,292
- Oh, God!
- You're dealing here with...

884
00:34:04,293 --> 00:34:05,793
a fully-qualified male strumpet.

885
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:07,503
I'm not a prop, mister.

886
00:34:07,670 --> 00:34:09,839
You know, I can assure you
professional hygiene...

887
00:34:10,339 --> 00:34:13,092
discretion,
animal gratification.

888
00:34:13,259 --> 00:34:15,511
Why don't you assure me a little
peace and quiet?

889
00:34:15,678 --> 00:34:16,679
You rang?

890
00:34:16,846 --> 00:34:18,473
Yeah. I need the Muppet pages.

891
00:34:18,639 --> 00:34:20,033
I already turned in
that one script.

892
00:34:20,057 --> 00:34:21,266
Was Henson uncomfortable

893
00:34:21,267 --> 00:34:23,019
with the Muppets
on a plantation?

894
00:34:23,020 --> 00:34:24,102
It was a musical number.

895
00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:25,480
I don't think
that's the problem.

896
00:34:26,272 --> 00:34:28,649
I just can't write for those
little hairy facecloths.

897
00:34:28,816 --> 00:34:29,817
Well, I need something
for Henson.

898
00:34:29,818 --> 00:34:30,985
We go live in an hour.

899
00:34:31,569 --> 00:34:34,572
You cannot say "horny" on NBC.

900
00:34:35,114 --> 00:34:36,824
Did you see
what that evangelical cunt

901
00:34:36,825 --> 00:34:38,117
did to our pages?

902
00:34:41,662 --> 00:34:42,955
I'll be right back.

903
00:34:43,122 --> 00:34:45,124
So you want us to say sexy
instead of horny?

904
00:34:45,291 --> 00:34:46,727
And sexy and horny
just don't mean the same thing.

905
00:34:46,751 --> 00:34:48,669
I struggle
to see the difference.

906
00:34:48,836 --> 00:34:51,047
Well, if a dog is humping
your leg, it's horny.

907
00:34:51,214 --> 00:34:52,340
It's certainly not sexy.

908
00:34:52,507 --> 00:34:54,091
What on earth are you doing?

909
00:34:55,718 --> 00:34:58,846
I'd rather butt-fuck cancer
than make these changes.

910
00:35:07,355 --> 00:35:10,107
Your words don't scare me,
Mr. O'Donoghue.

911
00:35:10,274 --> 00:35:12,401
I am a woman of God.

912
00:35:12,568 --> 00:35:15,363
I'd heard that God's love
is blind. Now I know why.

913
00:35:15,364 --> 00:35:17,031
You see this?

914
00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:18,241
I do.

915
00:35:18,407 --> 00:35:21,244
I know it looks like
an ordinary red marker...

916
00:35:21,410 --> 00:35:23,204
but this one is special.

917
00:35:23,371 --> 00:35:26,499
It has kept America safe
for the better part of a decade.

918
00:35:26,666 --> 00:35:27,667
It is a weapon...

919
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:30,670
against vulgarity, sex...

920
00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:34,131
communism, and hedonism.

921
00:35:34,340 --> 00:35:38,594
Oh. What about violence? Does it
protect America from violence?

922
00:35:38,761 --> 00:35:39,804
Yes, that too.

923
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:41,514
How about infanticide?

924
00:35:42,139 --> 00:35:43,140
Excuse me?

925
00:35:43,307 --> 00:35:44,725
Apologies. Just a...

926
00:35:45,142 --> 00:35:47,770
$2 word for a parent
who kills their own child.

927
00:35:49,772 --> 00:35:51,544
The mere thought
makes me nauseous.

928
00:35:51,545 --> 00:35:53,181
Oh, understandably.
Me too, by the way.

929
00:35:53,182 --> 00:35:54,819
It's just I had this idea
for a sketch,

930
00:35:54,820 --> 00:35:55,945
and I'm not sure if it's funny.

931
00:35:55,946 --> 00:35:57,029
You can be the judge.

932
00:35:57,196 --> 00:35:58,322
It's about this...

933
00:35:58,865 --> 00:36:00,073
powerful, temperamental guy

934
00:36:00,074 --> 00:36:01,951
who rapes this virgin
in the middle of the night.

935
00:36:01,952 --> 00:36:03,119
I know, awful.

936
00:36:03,286 --> 00:36:05,329
Knocks her up
without ever saying "Hello..."

937
00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:06,873
Buying her flowers, whatever.

938
00:36:06,874 --> 00:36:08,416
And then...

939
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:09,750
here's the funny part.

940
00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:11,836
He has their bastard son...

941
00:36:12,003 --> 00:36:14,797
publicly mutilated and tortured
to death on a cross.

942
00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:19,218
You are a vile human.

943
00:36:19,927 --> 00:36:21,429
Ah, fuck.
You've heard this before.

944
00:36:23,639 --> 00:36:24,640
Mr. O'Donoghue.

945
00:36:24,807 --> 00:36:27,476
Are we still being formal?
Please, just call me Satan.

946
00:36:27,477 --> 00:36:28,561
No, I am Satan.

947
00:36:29,103 --> 00:36:30,521
- I am Satan.
- I am Satan.

948
00:36:30,688 --> 00:36:31,898
- I am Satan.
- I'm Satan.

949
00:36:32,064 --> 00:36:33,584
- No. I am Satan.
- We're Satan.

950
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:37,904
You will be forgotten.
I am gonna make sure of it.

951
00:36:38,529 --> 00:36:39,822
Bye.

952
00:36:42,450 --> 00:36:43,658
Are you out of your mind?

953
00:36:43,659 --> 00:36:45,161
Look, for better or worse,
I call it like I see it.

954
00:36:45,162 --> 00:36:46,286
Well, that was worse.

955
00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:47,454
Lorne, they need you
at the loading dock.

956
00:36:47,455 --> 00:36:48,623
I'm sure someone can sign
for whatever.

957
00:36:48,624 --> 00:36:49,706
You're back on the Muppets.

958
00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:51,208
- Fuck you, I'll quit.
- Yeah, I doubt that.

959
00:36:51,209 --> 00:36:52,375
It's Leo. He's been fighting

960
00:36:52,376 --> 00:36:53,669
with security,
and there's blood.

961
00:36:54,211 --> 00:36:55,630
Oh, my God. Dick.

962
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:57,048
Oh, shit.

963
00:37:01,052 --> 00:37:01,885
Ah!

964
00:37:01,886 --> 00:37:04,095
- Hey!
- Hey, Dick. Is this turkey?

965
00:37:04,096 --> 00:37:05,723
- While I have...
- There wasn't a sign, so I...

966
00:37:05,724 --> 00:37:06,807
- Great.
- Lorne, Lorne.

967
00:37:06,808 --> 00:37:07,849
While I have you...

968
00:37:07,850 --> 00:37:10,102
Uh, I know you always want to be
on the cutting edge.

969
00:37:10,603 --> 00:37:11,604
Check this out.

970
00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:13,356
Polaroid.

971
00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:16,525
Okay.

972
00:37:17,693 --> 00:37:19,862
Uh, we can have the actors
demo it live.

973
00:37:20,029 --> 00:37:22,448
Write it into sketches,
do live commercials.

974
00:37:22,615 --> 00:37:24,033
Funny ones.
The payout is bonkers.

975
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,178
Dick, the cast didn't sign up
to do live commercials.

976
00:37:26,202 --> 00:37:27,203
Neither did I.

977
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,330
Some of the cast
might find that very unseemly.

978
00:37:29,331 --> 00:37:30,789
I completely understand.

979
00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:32,792
But television's driven
by advertising.

980
00:37:32,793 --> 00:37:34,250
It's what makes the motor run.

981
00:37:34,251 --> 00:37:35,585
It's really
not a big deal at all.

982
00:37:35,586 --> 00:37:37,254
Just please don't show this
to the talent.

983
00:37:37,255 --> 00:37:38,630
I don't want them thinking

984
00:37:38,631 --> 00:37:40,191
they're back
on the <i>Kraft Macaroni Hour.</i>

985
00:37:40,675 --> 00:37:42,715
You know, what, are we
going kayaking? What is this?

986
00:37:43,302 --> 00:37:44,595
Lorne, we're over budget.

987
00:37:45,221 --> 00:37:46,406
Dick, you don't need
to tell me that.

988
00:37:46,430 --> 00:37:47,681
Someone needs to tell you that.

989
00:37:47,682 --> 00:37:49,120
We don't even know
what the show is yet.

990
00:37:49,121 --> 00:37:50,382
How could we possibly know
the budget?

991
00:37:50,383 --> 00:37:51,644
That's true.
That's a good point.

992
00:37:51,645 --> 00:37:52,769
Neil, please.

993
00:37:52,770 --> 00:37:54,270
If we don't know
what the show is,

994
00:37:54,271 --> 00:37:55,815
Lorne, what the fuck
are we doing here?

995
00:37:55,982 --> 00:37:57,608
I know the ingredients.

996
00:37:58,401 --> 00:37:59,442
Just not the amounts.

997
00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:00,528
Lorne, what does that mean?

998
00:38:00,695 --> 00:38:02,405
We just have to make it
to 11:30.

999
00:38:02,406 --> 00:38:04,073
Hey!

1000
00:38:04,074 --> 00:38:05,532
Ah!

1001
00:38:05,533 --> 00:38:06,784
Fuck! You fascist.

1002
00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:08,953
- You want to lose your job?
- You want to lose your teeth?

1003
00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:10,663
I'm the producer
of NBC'S <i>Saturday Night</i>

1004
00:38:10,664 --> 00:38:12,247
and you just hit a man
with a Tony.

1005
00:38:12,248 --> 00:38:14,648
- I've hit plenty of Tony's.
- All right. Hey, that's enough.

1006
00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:17,169
Tell your friends,
no deliveries after 6:00 p.m.

1007
00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:19,067
- Shove it up your ass.
- Fuck you.

1008
00:38:19,068 --> 00:38:20,715
All right.
Keep going with the bricks.

1009
00:38:20,716 --> 00:38:22,279
You took that punch
like a champ.

1010
00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:23,842
I'm actually not sure
you're supposed

1011
00:38:23,843 --> 00:38:25,344
to be pinching
the bottom of the nostrils.

1012
00:38:25,345 --> 00:38:26,428
If you pinch a little higher...

1013
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:29,515
Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.
Am I missing something?

1014
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:32,082
Why are we using real brick?
Can't we just roll out linoleum?

1015
00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:34,853
- Hey! Fuck you!
- Okay. Jesus. Just relax.

1016
00:38:34,854 --> 00:38:36,772
Dick, our vision for home base
is a street corner...

1017
00:38:36,773 --> 00:38:38,732
with all the grit and texture
of New York City.

1018
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:40,901
Yeah, okay. I mean, are we gonna
use real blood and vomit, too?

1019
00:38:40,902 --> 00:38:42,028
I'll give you
some real fucking blood.

1020
00:38:42,029 --> 00:38:43,237
Hey, hey, whoa,
no more fighting.

1021
00:38:43,238 --> 00:38:44,447
No more fighting.
He doesn't know.

1022
00:38:44,448 --> 00:38:45,656
He doesn't know. It's okay.

1023
00:38:47,992 --> 00:38:49,660
Why are we stopping?

1024
00:38:55,499 --> 00:38:57,250
- Hello, everybody.
- Andy.

1025
00:38:57,251 --> 00:38:59,170
What are you... You can't keep
wandering off like that.

1026
00:38:59,171 --> 00:39:00,712
I had to go to the bathroom.

1027
00:39:00,713 --> 00:39:01,964
That's very good.
That's very good.

1028
00:39:01,965 --> 00:39:03,048
Lorne...

1029
00:39:03,049 --> 00:39:04,050
Barbara, what time do you have?

1030
00:39:04,051 --> 00:39:05,634
Uh, 10:39.

1031
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:07,178
- Lorne.
- Hmm?

1032
00:39:08,220 --> 00:39:09,221
The brick.

1033
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:10,681
It's...

1034
00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:17,521
It's got its pockets out.
It's workmanlike.

1035
00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:19,065
It's honest.

1036
00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:21,043
Dick, it's critical
for the success of the show.

1037
00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:23,110
Okay, but what is the show?

1038
00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:30,785
I mean, honestly, Dick,
if you don't know by now...

1039
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:34,622
Chevy Chase.

1040
00:39:35,039 --> 00:39:36,874
Gilda Radner.

1041
00:39:37,333 --> 00:39:38,918
Dan Ayk-a...

1042
00:39:39,085 --> 00:39:41,087
How the fuck
do you pronounce this?

1043
00:39:41,253 --> 00:39:42,254
Aykroyd.

1044
00:39:42,588 --> 00:39:43,672
Dan Aykroyd.

1045
00:39:43,839 --> 00:39:45,216
50 minutes, everybody!

1046
00:39:45,382 --> 00:39:47,093
Laraine Newman.

1047
00:39:47,426 --> 00:39:48,677
You nervous?

1048
00:39:49,220 --> 00:39:51,138
Uh, no. No, not really.

1049
00:39:51,305 --> 00:39:52,973
I mean,
I've only got a couple bits.

1050
00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:55,142
The jury thing and a TV host.

1051
00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:57,645
Uh-huh...

1052
00:39:59,021 --> 00:40:03,025
Say, you ever wonder exactly
what it is you are doing here?

1053
00:40:03,901 --> 00:40:05,778
Yeah, and I think
I've got a pretty good idea.

1054
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:07,321
And what is that?

1055
00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:09,364
Well, Garrett, I'll tell ya,

1056
00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:11,992
I like to give 100%
in everything I do.

1057
00:40:13,077 --> 00:40:15,579
And I like a dish soap
that does that too.

1058
00:40:16,831 --> 00:40:19,834
So alive, so young,
so alluring...

1059
00:40:20,376 --> 00:40:23,003
so exotic, so hypnotic...

1060
00:40:23,462 --> 00:40:24,713
so manipulative...

1061
00:40:25,047 --> 00:40:28,342
so sadistically abusive...

1062
00:40:28,509 --> 00:40:30,594
so cartoonishly abhorrent...

1063
00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:32,555
You see, when it comes
to my skin

1064
00:40:32,556 --> 00:40:34,014
and my sensitive parts...

1065
00:40:34,223 --> 00:40:36,850
I only trust
100% American-made steel wool.

1066
00:40:36,851 --> 00:40:39,478
Strong enough for a man...

1067
00:40:39,645 --> 00:40:42,523
but whimsical and helpless
enough for a woman.

1068
00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:44,900
And don't wait. Act now.

1069
00:40:45,317 --> 00:40:47,319
Act like your very life
depends on it.

1070
00:40:47,486 --> 00:40:49,206
Act like your children's lives
depend on it.

1071
00:40:49,363 --> 00:40:53,659
Act like the children
in Africa's lives depend on it.

1072
00:40:55,619 --> 00:40:57,537
Man, what the fuck

1073
00:40:57,538 --> 00:40:59,456
- was all of that?
- That was my 20s, Garrett.

1074
00:40:59,623 --> 00:41:01,584
And that is exactly
what I'm doing here.

1075
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:03,002
Well, shit...

1076
00:41:03,169 --> 00:41:06,255
I'm just here
to play the butler...

1077
00:41:06,589 --> 00:41:09,592
the shoeshine guy, and the pimp.

1078
00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:12,303
Think you seem
a little nice for a pimp.

1079
00:41:13,012 --> 00:41:15,055
You're a little pretty
for a comedienne.

1080
00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:17,099
Well, cheers to staying out
of the spotlight.

1081
00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:18,057
Hmm.

1082
00:41:18,058 --> 00:41:22,479
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,
your host, George Carlin!</i>

1083
00:41:22,646 --> 00:41:25,046
You can't just let me come out
from behind a goddamn curtain?

1084
00:41:25,107 --> 00:41:27,193
I have to descend
like Norma fuckin' Desmond.

1085
00:41:27,359 --> 00:41:29,486
All right. Fuck you, everyone.

1086
00:41:29,653 --> 00:41:31,655
Fuck you, fuck you.

1087
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:33,115
I've definitely fucked you.

1088
00:41:33,282 --> 00:41:34,742
- Fuck you.
- Yeah.

1089
00:41:34,909 --> 00:41:36,827
- Fuck you.
- Fuck all of you.

1090
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:38,078
You have to distract her.

1091
00:41:38,245 --> 00:41:39,371
How?

1092
00:41:39,538 --> 00:41:40,873
With your sparkling wit.

1093
00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:44,334
Excuse me, miss.

1094
00:41:44,335 --> 00:41:46,354
Could you confirm that this is
a normal deck of cards?

1095
00:41:46,378 --> 00:41:47,838
No marks, no folds,
no blemishes?

1096
00:41:48,005 --> 00:41:50,569
- George!
- Yeah. All right.

1097
00:41:50,570 --> 00:41:53,135
Welcome to the show.
I have some musics and laughs.

1098
00:41:53,302 --> 00:41:55,553
I plug the record,
blah-blah-blah.

1099
00:41:55,554 --> 00:41:58,514
Regular old deck, 52 cards.
I am going to make...

1100
00:41:58,515 --> 00:42:00,309
- George, keep going, please.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1101
00:42:00,310 --> 00:42:01,769
You ever look at the crowds
in old movies

1102
00:42:01,770 --> 00:42:03,145
and wonder if they're dead yet?

1103
00:42:03,312 --> 00:42:04,438
Slow, slow, slow!

1104
00:42:06,398 --> 00:42:08,525
Are you fucking kidding me
with this shit?

1105
00:42:08,943 --> 00:42:10,402
And throw to Janis.

1106
00:42:10,819 --> 00:42:11,820
What?

1107
00:42:11,987 --> 00:42:14,323
Yeah, throw it to Janis.
Introduce her, please.

1108
00:42:14,949 --> 00:42:16,992
- Keep going.
- Ladies and gentlemen...

1109
00:42:17,159 --> 00:42:18,452
Janis Ian.

1110
00:42:18,994 --> 00:42:22,915
<i>♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪</i>

1111
00:42:23,082 --> 00:42:27,044
<i>♪ That love was meant
For beauty queens ♪</i>

1112
00:42:28,128 --> 00:42:30,589
<i>♪ And high school girls
With clear-skinned smiles ♪</i>

1113
00:42:31,423 --> 00:42:34,551
<i>♪ Who married young
And then retired ♪</i>

1114
00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:37,388
- Mr. Carlin?
- Yeah?

1115
00:42:37,554 --> 00:42:39,890
I am Joan Carbunkle,
NBC standards.

1116
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:41,868
- Oh, I didn't know they had any.
- Joan, he's very busy.

1117
00:42:41,892 --> 00:42:43,411
Just please share your concerns
with me, all right?

1118
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:45,646
No, no, no. I'd like to hear
her concerns personally,

1119
00:42:45,647 --> 00:42:46,730
if you don't mind.

1120
00:42:46,897 --> 00:42:48,708
I know you have
a propensity for the obscene...

1121
00:42:48,732 --> 00:42:51,402
and a lurid interest
in colorful language.

1122
00:42:51,568 --> 00:42:53,046
- Thank you very much.
- Mr. Carlin...

1123
00:42:53,070 --> 00:42:54,630
you'll be happy to know
that there is...

1124
00:42:55,489 --> 00:42:57,283
one delay button...

1125
00:42:57,449 --> 00:42:59,868
and my finger is on it.

1126
00:43:02,579 --> 00:43:04,581
I'm surprised
you even found the button...

1127
00:43:04,748 --> 00:43:06,208
let alone touched it.

1128
00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:10,045
Is this your eight of diamonds?

1129
00:43:11,547 --> 00:43:14,758
<i>♪ Who called to say
come dance with me ♪</i>

1130
00:43:16,510 --> 00:43:17,511
Are you gonna help?

1131
00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:20,848
I really wish we could,
but, uh, we don't do bricks.

1132
00:43:21,015 --> 00:43:22,495
What guild is it
that does the bricks?

1133
00:43:22,641 --> 00:43:23,934
Is that 422?

1134
00:43:24,101 --> 00:43:26,020
No, that's carpenters.
How about 303?

1135
00:43:26,186 --> 00:43:28,564
Nah, that's the pipefitters.

1136
00:43:29,565 --> 00:43:31,191
I don't know
why you're laying brick.

1137
00:43:31,358 --> 00:43:32,943
You're gonna be gone
in two weeks.

1138
00:43:33,110 --> 00:43:36,488
<i>♪ A brown-eyed girl
in hand-me-downs ♪</i>

1139
00:43:36,655 --> 00:43:38,949
So, it's gonna be like one of
those 1950s safari flicks.

1140
00:43:39,116 --> 00:43:40,885
You know, the ones with
Rhonda Fleming, Susan Hayward.

1141
00:43:40,909 --> 00:43:42,494
That's a prop.

1142
00:43:45,164 --> 00:43:47,291
So, I want you to take
this bowl of potato chips here.

1143
00:43:47,292 --> 00:43:48,458
- Me?
- Yes, you.

1144
00:43:48,459 --> 00:43:49,659
I want you to reach into them.

1145
00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:50,752
Every time I take a step,

1146
00:43:50,753 --> 00:43:52,254
give 'em a little crunch,
all right?

1147
00:43:52,255 --> 00:43:53,756
It's like we're in the safari.
Ready?

1148
00:43:54,131 --> 00:43:55,215
Give it a try.

1149
00:43:59,178 --> 00:44:01,055
Early.

1150
00:44:01,221 --> 00:44:03,015
I just got this job.

1151
00:44:03,349 --> 00:44:05,142
Now we're getting it.

1152
00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:09,188
You piece of shit.

1153
00:44:09,189 --> 00:44:11,315
That was nice. Not bad.

1154
00:44:17,258 --> 00:44:18,697
Caw! Caw!

1155
00:44:18,989 --> 00:44:20,240
Don't shoot me.

1156
00:44:23,827 --> 00:44:24,932
I know that noise.

1157
00:44:26,038 --> 00:44:28,040
That's a monkey
being run over by the C-train.

1158
00:44:29,708 --> 00:44:31,085
My archnemesis.

1159
00:44:31,377 --> 00:44:32,503
Here he comes.

1160
00:44:39,385 --> 00:44:41,225
There's no way
they're gonna fit all that show.

1161
00:44:42,638 --> 00:44:43,639
You think?

1162
00:44:44,848 --> 00:44:46,993
Yeah, something's got to go.
Hey, Lorne, can we talk minutes?

1163
00:44:47,017 --> 00:44:48,203
You're doing great, Billy.

1164
00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:49,987
- That was weird.
- Yep. We're fucked.

1165
00:45:01,156 --> 00:45:03,992
Excuse me, "ociffer,"
have I done somethin' wrong?

1166
00:45:04,952 --> 00:45:06,787
What do we have here?

1167
00:45:06,954 --> 00:45:09,373
Why, that would be my ass.

1168
00:45:11,917 --> 00:45:14,753
Mmm-hmm. Billy Preston's band
hooked it up.

1169
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:16,505
Medical grade, baby.

1170
00:45:16,672 --> 00:45:18,799
Floats in the bottle
and then you...

1171
00:45:22,344 --> 00:45:23,345
Checks out.

1172
00:45:23,971 --> 00:45:25,139
Medical grade.

1173
00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:26,848
Uh...

1174
00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:28,642
So, tell me how you fit
into this ensemble.

1175
00:45:28,976 --> 00:45:30,435
Is this an ensemble?

1176
00:45:30,436 --> 00:45:33,856
Uh, no, we have many talented,
talented improvisers...

1177
00:45:34,022 --> 00:45:35,899
from Chicago and Toronto and...

1178
00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:37,067
And Boston.

1179
00:45:37,234 --> 00:45:39,403
And Boston.
Yes, Jane Curtin is from Boston.

1180
00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:40,930
You've met my fiancée?

1181
00:45:41,196 --> 00:45:42,197
Missed a little there.

1182
00:45:43,365 --> 00:45:44,565
But to answer your question...

1183
00:45:44,658 --> 00:45:45,617
While I've got you captive.

1184
00:45:45,618 --> 00:45:46,702
They want to shave me.

1185
00:45:46,869 --> 00:45:48,704
Careful. There's no jaw
under that beard,

1186
00:45:48,871 --> 00:45:49,955
just 10 pounds of neck.

1187
00:45:50,122 --> 00:45:51,539
Chevy.

1188
00:45:52,958 --> 00:45:56,003
Jesus Christ, you psycho,
you son of a bitch!

1189
00:45:56,378 --> 00:45:58,088
Shove it up your fucking ass!

1190
00:45:59,506 --> 00:46:01,758
Hey, hey, hey, stop right now!

1191
00:46:02,634 --> 00:46:05,846
Guys! Goddamn it!
Stop! Stop! Chevy, out!

1192
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:08,093
- Don't feed coke to the animals!
- Out! Chev!

1193
00:46:09,308 --> 00:46:11,185
Take a seat.

1194
00:46:12,769 --> 00:46:13,770
Yeah.

1195
00:46:13,937 --> 00:46:15,314
You okay, John?

1196
00:46:15,481 --> 00:46:16,666
So, we're throwing things now?

1197
00:46:16,690 --> 00:46:17,858
He started it.

1198
00:46:18,317 --> 00:46:19,557
It's just a shave, John.

1199
00:46:19,693 --> 00:46:21,195
So, NBC owns my fucking face?

1200
00:46:21,361 --> 00:46:22,404
- No.
- Yeah, a little bit.

1201
00:46:22,571 --> 00:46:24,281
But would Jimi Hendrix play
in mittens?

1202
00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:25,616
That's a good point.

1203
00:46:26,825 --> 00:46:29,077
John, you're going to go down
as one of the giants

1204
00:46:29,078 --> 00:46:30,245
of character expressionism...

1205
00:46:30,246 --> 00:46:31,788
from Chaplin to Brando.

1206
00:46:31,955 --> 00:46:32,956
Belushi...

1207
00:46:33,373 --> 00:46:34,374
Why hide your gift?

1208
00:46:34,541 --> 00:46:36,001
Beards are for pussies.

1209
00:46:37,419 --> 00:46:38,629
And the bees are bullshit.

1210
00:46:38,795 --> 00:46:40,106
You think I don't know that?
Of course, they are.

1211
00:46:40,130 --> 00:46:41,798
They're stupid,
they're postmodern...

1212
00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:44,301
they're Warhol, they're iconic,
they're <i>Sergeant Pepper.</i>

1213
00:46:44,468 --> 00:46:46,508
- So well said.
- I'm glad you get it.

1214
00:46:47,304 --> 00:46:48,305
John...

1215
00:46:48,472 --> 00:46:49,752
we go live in less than an hour.

1216
00:46:49,890 --> 00:46:51,099
45 minutes.

1217
00:46:55,020 --> 00:46:56,939
I need you
to sign your contract.

1218
00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:06,469
Oh, yeah.

1219
00:47:07,700 --> 00:47:08,784
What?

1220
00:47:08,951 --> 00:47:09,952
What's happening?

1221
00:47:10,369 --> 00:47:11,620
What happened to the music?

1222
00:47:12,829 --> 00:47:14,581
Hey! Why did you stop playing?

1223
00:47:14,748 --> 00:47:16,083
The speakers went out.

1224
00:47:16,458 --> 00:47:17,578
- All of them?
- All of them.

1225
00:47:17,626 --> 00:47:19,294
What the hell is happening?
What... Dick?

1226
00:47:19,461 --> 00:47:21,461
I'm on with the outfit
that supplied speakers at...

1227
00:47:21,505 --> 00:47:22,649
- Yeah, Rockefeller Plaza.
- Toscanini!

1228
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:24,841
Height of audio fidelity!
What can we be doing?

1229
00:47:25,008 --> 00:47:26,343
Yeah, what can we be doing?

1230
00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:27,719
We got no sound.

1231
00:47:27,886 --> 00:47:30,722
Idiot on the light board,
and we go live in 45.

1232
00:47:31,139 --> 00:47:32,432
What do you want to rehearse?

1233
00:47:33,559 --> 00:47:34,559
Uh...

1234
00:47:35,477 --> 00:47:36,561
We could pull up...

1235
00:47:36,562 --> 00:47:37,645
Weekend Update?

1236
00:47:37,646 --> 00:47:39,313
Do you want
to do Weekend Update? Yeah.

1237
00:47:39,314 --> 00:47:41,292
All right, everyone,
we're moving to Weekend Update.

1238
00:47:41,316 --> 00:47:43,652
- Okay, great, great.
- Don, stand by for your intro.

1239
00:47:45,237 --> 00:47:46,988
Here we go. Move it, people.

1240
00:47:57,874 --> 00:47:59,001
Let's go. Let's go.

1241
00:47:59,501 --> 00:48:00,564
I'm good. Fine.

1242
00:48:04,006 --> 00:48:07,259
From <i>Saturday Night</i> News
headquarters.

1243
00:48:07,426 --> 00:48:09,344
This is Weekend Update...

1244
00:48:09,511 --> 00:48:11,470
with Lorne Michaels.

1245
00:48:19,479 --> 00:48:20,981
Our top story tonight...

1246
00:48:21,148 --> 00:48:22,190
<i>some world news.</i>

1247
00:48:22,357 --> 00:48:24,568
<i>Japanese Emperor Hirohito
met Mickey Mouse</i>

1248
00:48:24,569 --> 00:48:25,986
<i>at Disneyland this week.</i>

1249
00:48:26,153 --> 00:48:29,239
<i>The emperor presented Mickey
with a Hirohito wristwatch.</i>

1250
00:48:33,994 --> 00:48:35,078
How was that?

1251
00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:36,330
It was horrible.

1252
00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:38,832
Right. Um...

1253
00:48:40,542 --> 00:48:43,587
And now with a weather report...

1254
00:48:43,754 --> 00:48:46,965
we turn it over
to meteorologist John Belushi.

1255
00:48:47,132 --> 00:48:48,759
What's it looking like
out there, John?

1256
00:48:48,925 --> 00:48:50,197
Thank you, Lorne.

1257
00:48:50,198 --> 00:48:51,469
It's often said,

1258
00:48:51,470 --> 00:48:54,681
"March comes in like a lion
and goes out like a lamb."

1259
00:48:54,890 --> 00:48:57,434
But did you know March behaves
differently in other countries?

1260
00:48:58,018 --> 00:48:59,310
<i>In Norway, for example,</i>

1261
00:48:59,311 --> 00:49:02,230
<i>March comes in like a polar bear
and goes out like a walrus.</i>

1262
00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:04,608
<i>Or consider
the Republic of South Africa...</i>

1263
00:49:04,775 --> 00:49:06,233
<i>where March comes in like a lion</i>

1264
00:49:06,234 --> 00:49:07,594
<i>and goes out
like a different lion.</i>

1265
00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:09,154
Like one has a mane

1266
00:49:09,155 --> 00:49:11,281
and the other
doesn't have a mane.

1267
00:49:11,448 --> 00:49:14,242
And there's a country where
March hops in like a kangaroo...

1268
00:49:14,409 --> 00:49:15,911
and stays a kangaroo
for a while.

1269
00:49:16,078 --> 00:49:17,120
Australia.

1270
00:49:17,287 --> 00:49:19,265
<i>Then for a couple of days,
it's sort of a cross between...</i>

1271
00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:21,375
a frilled lizard
and a common house cat.

1272
00:49:21,792 --> 00:49:24,211
Then it changes back
into a smaller kangaroo...

1273
00:49:24,378 --> 00:49:26,505
and then it goes out
like a wild dingo!

1274
00:49:26,755 --> 00:49:28,298
No, no, and it's not Australia!

1275
00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:30,634
You'd think it'd be Australia,
but it's not!

1276
00:49:30,801 --> 00:49:31,926
Oh!

1277
00:49:31,927 --> 00:49:33,845
And there are
nine different countries...

1278
00:49:33,846 --> 00:49:35,471
where March comes in like a frog

1279
00:49:35,472 --> 00:49:37,348
and goes out
like a golden retriever.

1280
00:49:37,349 --> 00:49:39,142
But that's not the weird part.
No, no, no.

1281
00:49:39,309 --> 00:49:41,478
The weird part is the frog.
The frog.

1282
00:49:41,645 --> 00:49:42,979
The weird part is the...

1283
00:49:44,315 --> 00:49:46,545
Okay.

1284
00:49:48,204 --> 00:49:49,720
John.

1285
00:49:51,238 --> 00:49:52,948
Are you all right? Are you okay?

1286
00:49:53,365 --> 00:49:54,366
I give in.

1287
00:49:54,866 --> 00:49:55,867
That was brilliant.

1288
00:49:56,034 --> 00:49:58,078
Now I need you
to sign your contract.

1289
00:50:01,623 --> 00:50:02,983
- Was that a yes?
- That was a yes.

1290
00:50:03,125 --> 00:50:04,725
- Was that a yes? Okay.
- That was a yes.

1291
00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:06,595
- Neil, can I get the contract?
- Yeah.

1292
00:50:07,003 --> 00:50:09,047
- Okay. Do you have a pen?
- Uh...

1293
00:50:09,048 --> 00:50:10,172
Lorne, Lorne, Lorne,

1294
00:50:10,173 --> 00:50:12,175
there's a call from Burbank
waiting in your office.

1295
00:50:13,009 --> 00:50:14,219
Burbank?

1296
00:50:14,386 --> 00:50:15,387
Carson.

1297
00:50:15,721 --> 00:50:17,597
Uh, okay.
Um, Someone get him a pen.

1298
00:50:17,764 --> 00:50:19,953
Don't let him use it as a straw.

1299
00:50:19,954 --> 00:50:22,144
Uh, rehearse something.
Anything.

1300
00:50:22,310 --> 00:50:24,438
All right,
Bee Hospital stage left.

1301
00:50:24,604 --> 00:50:26,148
Let's go. We're moving.
Here we go.

1302
00:50:27,232 --> 00:50:28,859
- Great work, guys.
- Excuse me.

1303
00:50:29,025 --> 00:50:30,985
Hey, Mr. Michaels.

1304
00:50:30,986 --> 00:50:32,236
- Oh, Mr. Henson.
- Hey.

1305
00:50:32,237 --> 00:50:34,531
I'm excited to see what you
and your merry band of creatures

1306
00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:35,948
have in store for us tonight.

1307
00:50:35,949 --> 00:50:38,452
Well, Lorne, we don't have
any script pages yet...

1308
00:50:38,453 --> 00:50:40,558
so, the Muppets
are flyin' blind here.

1309
00:50:40,559 --> 00:50:42,664
Well, this is the first
I'm hearing of it.

1310
00:50:42,665 --> 00:50:43,956
Neil, Jim needs his pages.

1311
00:50:43,957 --> 00:50:46,084
Thank you. Thank you.
And please, sorry, Lorne...

1312
00:50:47,002 --> 00:50:49,045
can you please
remind your crew...

1313
00:50:49,212 --> 00:50:52,841
not to leave the Muppets
in compromising positions?

1314
00:50:54,301 --> 00:50:55,802
That doesn't sound like them.

1315
00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:58,263
Well, they left a note.

1316
00:50:59,014 --> 00:51:00,015
They didn't.

1317
00:51:00,182 --> 00:51:01,183
They did.

1318
00:51:01,767 --> 00:51:02,768
It said...

1319
00:51:05,479 --> 00:51:07,647
"Fuck-Rags for rent."

1320
00:51:08,690 --> 00:51:10,066
- Mmm...
- Okay?

1321
00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:11,902
I know what that means, so...

1322
00:51:12,944 --> 00:51:14,613
I'll talk to Michael.
Immediately.

1323
00:51:14,780 --> 00:51:15,864
Thank you.

1324
00:51:18,617 --> 00:51:19,618
All right. Thank you.

1325
00:51:20,535 --> 00:51:21,848
Oh. Hey, Bernie.

1326
00:51:21,849 --> 00:51:23,163
Oh, no, you're good.

1327
00:51:29,044 --> 00:51:30,295
Hello, this is Lorne.

1328
00:51:30,587 --> 00:51:32,923
<i>I was beginning to think
you didn't like me.</i>

1329
00:51:33,089 --> 00:51:34,340
Of course not, Mr. Carson.

1330
00:51:34,341 --> 00:51:36,134
You're the voice
of a generation.

1331
00:51:36,301 --> 00:51:38,428
<i>I just wanted
to reach out and say,</i>

1332
00:51:38,429 --> 00:51:39,638
<i>"Good luck tonight."</i>

1333
00:51:39,805 --> 00:51:41,014
Oh, that's very kind.

1334
00:51:41,181 --> 00:51:42,992
<i>And also, I suppose
I wanted to make sure...</i>

1335
00:51:43,016 --> 00:51:45,852
<i>we don't end up
stepping on each other's dicks.</i>

1336
00:51:46,019 --> 00:51:47,019
Right.

1337
00:51:47,020 --> 00:51:48,271
<i>You know how
this all started, don't you?</i>

1338
00:51:48,272 --> 00:51:49,356
Just sign it, John.

1339
00:51:50,232 --> 00:51:51,441
Just sign it, John.

1340
00:51:51,608 --> 00:51:53,151
With a kite and a key, I'm sure.

1341
00:51:53,318 --> 00:51:55,078
<i>Don't be a dipshit
for a second, kid.</i>

1342
00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:56,529
<i>I'm sure you've heard by now</i>

1343
00:51:56,530 --> 00:51:58,532
<i>that Mommy and Daddy
are fighting...</i>

1344
00:51:58,698 --> 00:52:01,451
<i>and that's why you got
the house to yourself tonight.</i>

1345
00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:02,910
<i>Frankly, it's the only reason</i>

1346
00:52:02,911 --> 00:52:05,664
<i>they ever green light
your little talent show.</i>

1347
00:52:06,373 --> 00:52:08,333
<i>Look, these things
always go the same way.</i>

1348
00:52:08,667 --> 00:52:10,948
<i>First, they try to fuck you,
and then they buy you dinner.</i>

1349
00:52:11,461 --> 00:52:13,066
<i>I'm not opposed
to</i> Saturday Night...

1350
00:52:13,067 --> 00:52:14,673
<i>even if it is
a dumping ground...</i>

1351
00:52:14,674 --> 00:52:15,756
No. No.

1352
00:52:15,757 --> 00:52:17,551
<i>For the deadbeats and bag heads.</i>

1353
00:52:17,552 --> 00:52:18,467
Dick, no.

1354
00:52:18,468 --> 00:52:19,385
<i>In the meantime, you get to...</i>

1355
00:52:19,386 --> 00:52:20,616
<i>play dress-up
on national television.</i>

1356
00:52:20,617 --> 00:52:21,847
Don't let him hold the camera.

1357
00:52:21,848 --> 00:52:22,931
<i>Good for you.</i>

1358
00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:25,058
<i>So, here's some friendly advice.</i>

1359
00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:27,185
<i>Enjoy your little show...</i>

1360
00:52:27,352 --> 00:52:28,895
<i>but don't get too comfortable.</i>

1361
00:52:29,563 --> 00:52:31,731
<i>You're a bench warmer,
a stalking horse.</i>

1362
00:52:31,898 --> 00:52:34,651
<i>It's my fucking network.
It's my fucking night.</i>

1363
00:52:35,569 --> 00:52:37,009
<i>No hard feelings, though.</i>

1364
00:52:37,112 --> 00:52:39,114
Fuck the bees
and fuck this show!

1365
00:52:39,281 --> 00:52:40,866
John.
Hey, where are you going?

1366
00:52:41,032 --> 00:52:42,409
I go where I'm kicked!

1367
00:52:42,784 --> 00:52:44,744
<i>Heard you are
a halfway decent writer.</i>

1368
00:52:45,662 --> 00:52:47,163
<i>Send me some samples sometime.</i>

1369
00:52:47,330 --> 00:52:48,890
<i>We're always looking
for a bunch of 'em.</i>

1370
00:52:50,792 --> 00:52:51,918
How'd the call go?

1371
00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:53,420
Tremendous.
Thank you for asking.

1372
00:52:53,587 --> 00:52:55,422
- Great.
- Belushi walked.

1373
00:52:55,589 --> 00:52:57,465
- What? He quit?
- No, well, technically...

1374
00:52:57,632 --> 00:52:59,569
he would need a fucking job
to quit! But, yes, he walked.

1375
00:52:59,593 --> 00:53:01,195
We need to find him.
I'll take the eighth floor.

1376
00:53:01,219 --> 00:53:02,739
- You take the ninth, okay?
- Uh. Oh...

1377
00:53:03,013 --> 00:53:04,014
Okay.

1378
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:06,683
Uh, hey,
have you seen John Belushi?

1379
00:53:06,684 --> 00:53:07,767
No.

1380
00:53:09,352 --> 00:53:10,746
There's a reason
they call it master control.

1381
00:53:10,770 --> 00:53:11,914
Sorry, Jim,
have you seen John Belushi?

1382
00:53:11,938 --> 00:53:14,232
You want to hand the airwaves
over to that maniac?

1383
00:53:14,399 --> 00:53:16,818
- Have you seen Belushi?
- I'm not an animal wrangler.

1384
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:18,361
Belushi? Belushi?

1385
00:53:18,528 --> 00:53:19,696
- Belushi?
- Belushi?

1386
00:53:19,863 --> 00:53:21,197
- Belushi?
- Belushi?

1387
00:53:21,364 --> 00:53:24,075
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi? John?

1388
00:53:29,331 --> 00:53:30,581
Hey, guys, sorry to bother you.

1389
00:53:30,582 --> 00:53:32,417
Have you seen
John Belushi anywhere?

1390
00:53:32,584 --> 00:53:35,086
Oh. Yeah, sure. He was
hangin' out with us yesterday.

1391
00:53:35,087 --> 00:53:36,254
Right, Howard?

1392
00:53:36,421 --> 00:53:38,065
No, sorry. I meant
in the last few minutes.

1393
00:53:38,089 --> 00:53:39,257
- Did he...
- Oh, no.

1394
00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:42,177
Well, you seem stressed.
You okay, buddy?

1395
00:53:42,344 --> 00:53:44,262
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- You need a hit?

1396
00:53:44,971 --> 00:53:47,974
Uh, oh! No, no, no, that's fine.
That's okay.

1397
00:53:47,975 --> 00:53:49,016
Oh.

1398
00:53:49,017 --> 00:53:50,185
I think it'd help.

1399
00:53:51,561 --> 00:53:52,562
That makes sense.

1400
00:53:55,273 --> 00:53:56,274
There we go.

1401
00:53:59,110 --> 00:54:00,820
Oh, look at him.

1402
00:54:00,987 --> 00:54:02,864
Attaboy.

1403
00:54:03,031 --> 00:54:04,824
Good luck on your quest, <i>amigo.</i>

1404
00:54:08,203 --> 00:54:10,080
Have you seen John Belushi?

1405
00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:11,957
Have you guys seen John?

1406
00:54:12,123 --> 00:54:14,626
Neil, who do you think I am?

1407
00:54:15,335 --> 00:54:16,628
Human bumblebee.

1408
00:54:16,795 --> 00:54:18,171
No, man. I am talking about...

1409
00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:21,341
what is my identity on the show?

1410
00:54:21,508 --> 00:54:22,926
Don't ask me that right now.

1411
00:54:23,843 --> 00:54:26,221
I can't answer that right now.
Oh.

1412
00:54:29,975 --> 00:54:32,227
- Oh.
- What the hell are you doing?

1413
00:54:35,313 --> 00:54:37,232
Thank you.

1414
00:54:40,860 --> 00:54:42,112
Has anybody seen John?

1415
00:54:42,278 --> 00:54:44,280
- I'm John.
- I'm John.

1416
00:54:44,447 --> 00:54:45,567
- No. No.
- I'm John.

1417
00:54:45,615 --> 00:54:47,283
- I'm John.
- No. No.

1418
00:54:47,450 --> 00:54:49,202
- I'm John.
- I'm John.

1419
00:54:49,369 --> 00:54:50,370
Hold this, please.

1420
00:54:53,185 --> 00:54:55,040
One of them is mine.

1421
00:54:55,041 --> 00:54:56,208
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi?

1422
00:54:56,209 --> 00:54:57,919
Hey, you're... Kid, why are you
holding your face like that?

1423
00:54:57,920 --> 00:54:59,504
- Why are you shouting?
- Sweetie, are you okay?

1424
00:54:59,505 --> 00:55:02,632
I don't know.
I can hear my own blood.

1425
00:55:03,550 --> 00:55:04,551
Am I gonna be okay?

1426
00:55:04,718 --> 00:55:06,720
Don't ask her.
She's a nymph, not a nurse, kid.

1427
00:55:06,886 --> 00:55:08,346
I know that!

1428
00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:10,640
- Look, should I be worried?
- About Neil?

1429
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:12,142
No. Fuck Neil. About my act.

1430
00:55:12,308 --> 00:55:14,352
I can't get a straight answer
out of Lorne.

1431
00:55:14,519 --> 00:55:16,855
Billy, you're family.

1432
00:55:18,189 --> 00:55:19,274
- Neil...
- Neil...

1433
00:55:22,944 --> 00:55:24,571
<i>This week on</i> The Rumpus Hour.

1434
00:55:24,738 --> 00:55:26,113
<i>Tony Orlando and Dawn,</i>

1435
00:55:26,114 --> 00:55:28,240
<i>Shields and Yarnell,
the Domingo Brothers...</i>

1436
00:55:28,241 --> 00:55:30,869
<i>and your favorite juggling
barbershop quartet,</i>

1437
00:55:30,870 --> 00:55:32,202
<i>Macho Quatro.</i>

1438
00:55:32,203 --> 00:55:34,748
{\an8}Lorne. You know Milton Berle?

1439
00:55:34,914 --> 00:55:37,625
Absolutely. Big fan.
I grew up on your work.

1440
00:55:37,792 --> 00:55:39,335
Who didn't?
Hear it's your big night.

1441
00:55:39,502 --> 00:55:41,588
Planning on it.
How's it all coming?

1442
00:55:42,297 --> 00:55:43,757
Just perfect.

1443
00:55:43,923 --> 00:55:45,683
- You never hear that.
- You certainly don't.

1444
00:55:46,885 --> 00:55:49,596
Yep. Being here must bring back
all kinds of memories, I'm sure.

1445
00:55:49,763 --> 00:55:50,930
Sure, sure. Yeah.

1446
00:55:51,097 --> 00:55:53,141
Used to call this
the RCA Radio Tower.

1447
00:55:53,308 --> 00:55:54,933
Radio, that wonderful invention

1448
00:55:54,934 --> 00:55:56,603
by which I could reach
a million people.

1449
00:55:56,770 --> 00:55:58,521
Who fortunately
couldn't reach me.

1450
00:55:58,688 --> 00:56:02,859
You know, Milt's TV show
once pulled a 97 share.

1451
00:56:03,026 --> 00:56:07,322
97% of the American audience
was watching Uncle Miltie.

1452
00:56:07,489 --> 00:56:09,491
Do you ever miss
being Mr. Television?

1453
00:56:10,825 --> 00:56:12,243
What is he talking about?

1454
00:56:12,410 --> 00:56:13,411
Lorne...

1455
00:56:13,578 --> 00:56:15,955
Milton remains
one of the Peacock's

1456
00:56:15,956 --> 00:56:17,582
most colorful feathers.

1457
00:56:17,749 --> 00:56:19,518
- It's quite a feather.
- Of course, of course.

1458
00:56:19,542 --> 00:56:21,586
And I'm looking forward
to hosting your show.

1459
00:56:22,295 --> 00:56:24,089
Well, we'd be honored.

1460
00:56:24,380 --> 00:56:26,233
I think there's still so many
decisions we'd have to make.

1461
00:56:26,257 --> 00:56:27,526
I'm hearing episode five.

1462
00:56:27,550 --> 00:56:30,637
The boys upstairs love it
and the affiliates ate it up.

1463
00:56:30,804 --> 00:56:32,114
Well, they're the real boss.

1464
00:56:32,138 --> 00:56:33,932
Right.
Well, it is a late show.

1465
00:56:33,933 --> 00:56:35,350
Are you suited for midnight?

1466
00:56:35,809 --> 00:56:39,312
At 67,
I still feel like a 20-year-old.

1467
00:56:39,479 --> 00:56:41,272
Unfortunately,
there's never one around.

1468
00:56:41,273 --> 00:56:43,066
Your reputation precedes you.

1469
00:56:43,233 --> 00:56:45,944
Yeah, by about 11 inches.
Excuse me a second.

1470
00:56:48,488 --> 00:56:50,156
Any sign of Belushi?

1471
00:56:50,782 --> 00:56:51,825
John?

1472
00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:53,409
I believe he's in wardrobe. Why?

1473
00:56:53,576 --> 00:56:55,620
Legal is frantic
for his paperwork.

1474
00:56:55,787 --> 00:56:57,056
That's strange.
I'll look into it.

1475
00:56:57,080 --> 00:56:58,540
Lorne, I can only imagine...

1476
00:56:58,706 --> 00:57:00,291
what must be running
through your mind.

1477
00:57:00,458 --> 00:57:02,794
The thought,
no matter how improbable...

1478
00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:04,629
that you might
not make it to air.

1479
00:57:04,796 --> 00:57:06,631
- Hadn't even occurred to me.
- Really?

1480
00:57:06,798 --> 00:57:09,843
I heard that you were having
some technical difficulties.

1481
00:57:10,009 --> 00:57:11,010
None that I know of.

1482
00:57:11,511 --> 00:57:12,512
What the fuck?

1483
00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:13,763
I just heard that...

1484
00:57:13,930 --> 00:57:15,515
your writers were stoned...

1485
00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:17,684
your actors were physically
assaulting each other.

1486
00:57:18,685 --> 00:57:19,769
The sound system was down.

1487
00:57:19,936 --> 00:57:21,205
What the hell
is happening? What...

1488
00:57:21,229 --> 00:57:22,563
And a fire broke out earlier.

1489
00:57:25,900 --> 00:57:28,611
I've been doing this job
a long time. I've seen it all.

1490
00:57:30,572 --> 00:57:32,782
I'm sure you have it
all under control.

1491
00:57:34,367 --> 00:57:36,161
Minor issues, already addressed.

1492
00:57:36,703 --> 00:57:37,704
That's reassuring.

1493
00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:40,165
This whole conversation
is a soothing shower of relief.

1494
00:57:40,331 --> 00:57:42,000
Hey, good, good. Look.

1495
00:57:42,167 --> 00:57:44,586
If for some reason
you can't lock your script...

1496
00:57:45,587 --> 00:57:48,423
or commit your cast
to legally binding contracts...

1497
00:57:48,590 --> 00:57:49,841
rest assured...

1498
00:57:50,341 --> 00:57:53,178
the country will be
happy to watch Johnny Carson.

1499
00:57:54,554 --> 00:57:57,056
Well, we could always play
the tape of dress rehearsal.

1500
00:57:57,223 --> 00:57:58,892
Worst-case scenario.

1501
00:58:00,143 --> 00:58:01,561
That's not the worst case.

1502
00:58:18,119 --> 00:58:20,163
Fuck me.
That's a lot of cards.

1503
00:58:20,747 --> 00:58:23,017
Yeah. What's the fastest you can
do your set? Top to bottom.

1504
00:58:23,041 --> 00:58:24,241
- Five minutes.
- Yeah, me too.

1505
00:58:24,375 --> 00:58:25,855
- Could you do it in four?
- Probably.

1506
00:58:26,002 --> 00:58:27,003
Yeah, me too.

1507
00:58:28,796 --> 00:58:30,548
So, look,
they're gonna offer us three...

1508
00:58:31,132 --> 00:58:32,972
but we got to draw the line
at four. All right?

1509
00:58:33,468 --> 00:58:35,595
Okay. I want to do the show.

1510
00:58:35,762 --> 00:58:37,698
Yeah, we're doing the show.
We just can't get jerked around.

1511
00:58:37,722 --> 00:58:38,866
- That's all.
- But we're doing the show?

1512
00:58:38,890 --> 00:58:40,350
Of course, we're doing the show.
We just got to be

1513
00:58:40,351 --> 00:58:41,976
- in this together.
- Okay.

1514
00:58:43,645 --> 00:58:44,771
<i>Neil, sweetie.</i>

1515
00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:46,707
- Is everything okay in there?
- Hello?

1516
00:58:46,731 --> 00:58:48,983
Special delivery for Neil Levy.
Flowers.

1517
00:58:49,150 --> 00:58:50,544
- Candygram.
- What's with the convention?

1518
00:58:50,568 --> 00:58:52,153
Neil, it's your mother.
Open the door!

1519
00:58:52,320 --> 00:58:54,760
Don't say that. He's gonna
believe you if you say that.

1520
00:58:54,864 --> 00:58:57,242
Hey, Neil. Buddy.
You freaking out in there?

1521
00:58:57,408 --> 00:58:59,452
I took a hit
in the departure lounge.

1522
00:58:59,619 --> 00:59:01,246
All right. Whose grass was it?

1523
00:59:01,412 --> 00:59:02,830
One of the horn players.

1524
00:59:02,997 --> 00:59:04,082
Oh, degenerates.

1525
00:59:04,249 --> 00:59:05,917
That's a potent dragon
you're riding there, kid.

1526
00:59:05,918 --> 00:59:07,522
What you smoked
was a sacred strain from...

1527
00:59:07,523 --> 00:59:09,128
the Isaan plateau in Thailand,
I believe.

1528
00:59:09,129 --> 00:59:10,212
The best plateau.

1529
00:59:10,213 --> 00:59:11,296
Make no mistake about it,

1530
00:59:11,297 --> 00:59:13,382
that stick's probably stronger
than a bull elephant.

1531
00:59:13,383 --> 00:59:14,988
But, listen, we're all a little
freaked out so...

1532
00:59:14,989 --> 00:59:16,594
- I'm freaked out.
- Why don't you come out...

1533
00:59:16,595 --> 00:59:18,053
and we can check on your face...

1534
00:59:18,054 --> 00:59:19,304
make sure it's not
inside out, okay?

1535
00:59:19,305 --> 00:59:20,932
- Come on, Neil.
- Show us your face, Neil!

1536
00:59:20,933 --> 00:59:22,308
Come on, there's nothing
to be afraid of.

1537
00:59:22,309 --> 00:59:24,185
- Come on.
- Come on out, Neil.

1538
00:59:25,478 --> 00:59:27,230
Oh, God!

1539
00:59:27,897 --> 00:59:29,774
No. I'm just kidding. Look.
You're gonna be fine.

1540
00:59:29,775 --> 00:59:31,109
We'll fix you up
with some amphetamines.

1541
00:59:31,110 --> 00:59:32,192
You'll be fit as a flea.

1542
00:59:32,193 --> 00:59:33,798
You might even like the stuff.
Cocaine.

1543
00:59:33,799 --> 00:59:35,404
Robert Louis Stevenson
actually did

1544
00:59:35,405 --> 00:59:36,906
some of his best writing
on the nose candy.

1545
00:59:36,907 --> 00:59:38,550
- Oh, Bobby.
- Not a lot of people know that.

1546
00:59:38,574 --> 00:59:39,741
Yeah, he was a big freak...

1547
00:59:39,742 --> 00:59:40,827
- for the Peruvian Lady.
- Hey!

1548
00:59:40,828 --> 00:59:41,910
We need everyone in togas!

1549
00:59:41,911 --> 00:59:43,788
Everyone down
to the eighth floor now!

1550
00:59:48,001 --> 00:59:49,585
I'm not in a toga!

1551
01:00:03,474 --> 01:00:06,144
Okay, okay.
But why are we yelling?

1552
01:00:08,730 --> 01:00:11,250
Rocky, there's no way these
kids are gonna hit their marks.

1553
01:00:11,274 --> 01:00:13,943
So you better be wide enough
to catch 'em all. We got that?

1554
01:00:14,110 --> 01:00:16,230
Hey, did Rosie tell you
what she wants for her credit?

1555
01:00:16,779 --> 01:00:18,488
Oh. Uh...

1556
01:00:18,489 --> 01:00:20,700
She was of two minds...

1557
01:00:24,203 --> 01:00:26,403
What is this? Why are you
cueing up Carson? Who is that?

1558
01:00:26,581 --> 01:00:27,915
I think that's Tony Curtis.

1559
01:00:28,082 --> 01:00:30,402
That's pretty normal right
before a live show, right, Dave?

1560
01:00:30,501 --> 01:00:32,462
Yeah. If anything goes wrong,
we bump to tape.

1561
01:00:32,628 --> 01:00:33,755
- See?
- Right.

1562
01:00:33,921 --> 01:00:35,601
Lorne! Lorne.
We found a lighting director.

1563
01:00:35,923 --> 01:00:36,924
Great. Go get him.

1564
01:00:37,091 --> 01:00:38,634
No, he's lighting
a show right now.

1565
01:00:38,635 --> 01:00:40,011
This will take some massaging.

1566
01:00:40,178 --> 01:00:41,179
We don't have...

1567
01:00:43,097 --> 01:00:44,098
What floor?

1568
01:00:45,016 --> 01:00:47,518
It's down on the sixth floor.
Some variety show.

1569
01:00:47,685 --> 01:00:49,562
- And he knows I'm coming?
- Uh...

1570
01:00:50,855 --> 01:00:53,295
- Say, Lorne. This a bad time?
- Perfect time, Garrett.

1571
01:00:53,399 --> 01:00:54,901
Okay, I've been thinkin'.

1572
01:00:55,068 --> 01:00:57,111
Why did you hire me?

1573
01:00:57,278 --> 01:00:58,341
You were cheap.

1574
01:00:58,342 --> 01:00:59,405
Really?

1575
01:00:59,572 --> 01:01:01,115
I'm being ironical, Garrett.

1576
01:01:01,949 --> 01:01:02,950
The fuck?

1577
01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:08,206
Hey, Garrett.

1578
01:01:08,831 --> 01:01:09,832
What's wrong?

1579
01:01:10,124 --> 01:01:12,293
Nothin'. I'm just...

1580
01:01:13,252 --> 01:01:15,338
Just trying to figure out
exactly what it is

1581
01:01:15,339 --> 01:01:16,547
I am doing here.

1582
01:01:16,714 --> 01:01:17,965
Aw, what do you mean?

1583
01:01:18,383 --> 01:01:19,634
You know...

1584
01:01:19,801 --> 01:01:22,512
I just can't help but feeling
a little bit like an outsider.

1585
01:01:22,678 --> 01:01:24,097
Because you're so much older?

1586
01:01:24,263 --> 01:01:25,264
What?

1587
01:01:26,099 --> 01:01:28,267
I went to Juilliard.

1588
01:01:28,684 --> 01:01:30,645
I've been on Broadway.
I'm a published playwright.

1589
01:01:30,812 --> 01:01:34,399
Man, they got me buzzin' around
here in a goddamn bee suit...

1590
01:01:34,565 --> 01:01:36,585
and wavin' a gun around
like I'm some kind of hoodlum.

1591
01:01:36,609 --> 01:01:38,653
These are not my strengths, man.

1592
01:01:38,820 --> 01:01:40,780
I am being under-utilized...

1593
01:01:40,947 --> 01:01:42,073
which makes me ponder...

1594
01:01:42,240 --> 01:01:44,242
what am I doing here?

1595
01:01:44,992 --> 01:01:46,352
You know how many operas
I've done?

1596
01:01:46,619 --> 01:01:48,079
- I have no idea, Garrett.
- Shit...

1597
01:01:48,246 --> 01:01:49,890
while Danny and Laraine
were eatin' Froot Loops...

1598
01:01:49,914 --> 01:01:54,627
I was performing
<i>La Traviata</i> in Italian.

1599
01:01:54,794 --> 01:01:55,795
Ya dig?

1600
01:01:55,962 --> 01:01:58,172
Of course, I dig, Garrett.

1601
01:01:58,923 --> 01:01:59,923
But, uh...

1602
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:03,219
no one is saying
you can't sing on the show.

1603
01:02:03,386 --> 01:02:04,387
Right?

1604
01:02:11,144 --> 01:02:12,186
Where's the <i>Rumpus</i> room?

1605
01:02:12,353 --> 01:02:14,897
<i>♪ Down on the right ♪</i>

1606
01:02:17,692 --> 01:02:19,277
Oh. Whoa. Pardon me.

1607
01:02:27,118 --> 01:02:29,454
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- And three, two...

1608
01:02:37,628 --> 01:02:41,215
And we...
Seven, eight, and blocking!

1609
01:02:42,592 --> 01:02:45,678
Five, six... Uh-oh!

1610
01:02:46,262 --> 01:02:47,263
Smile!

1611
01:03:32,767 --> 01:03:34,977
Hey! You little fucker.

1612
01:03:35,561 --> 01:03:37,104
Get your head out of your ass.

1613
01:03:37,271 --> 01:03:40,191
Prep the cupcake lights
and bring up the glitter, Carl.

1614
01:03:41,108 --> 01:03:42,109
Carl?

1615
01:03:42,777 --> 01:03:43,903
I have a job offer.

1616
01:03:44,487 --> 01:03:46,989
Comes with no guarantees,
no perks, and no weekends.

1617
01:03:48,533 --> 01:03:49,534
How's the pay?

1618
01:03:51,285 --> 01:03:52,537
That's the worst part.

1619
01:03:57,083 --> 01:03:58,084
What the fuck?

1620
01:03:58,251 --> 01:03:59,436
- When do you start?
- Right now.

1621
01:03:59,460 --> 01:04:02,380
Send me a postcard from
the gutter, you little shit.

1622
01:04:14,225 --> 01:04:15,309
Rosie, you seen Jackie?

1623
01:04:15,476 --> 01:04:16,852
No. Sorry.

1624
01:04:17,019 --> 01:04:18,563
Knock, knock.

1625
01:04:19,105 --> 01:04:21,232
- Hi.
- Hi, stud. Can I see?

1626
01:04:21,399 --> 01:04:22,775
Can you get Chevy
to do this one?

1627
01:04:22,942 --> 01:04:24,986
No way. You look so sexy.

1628
01:04:25,152 --> 01:04:27,446
Hey. These can't be
the right size.

1629
01:04:27,613 --> 01:04:29,813
Yeah, you're right. They should
be a little bit smaller.

1630
01:04:30,700 --> 01:04:32,220
This feels like
it's a lot of leg.

1631
01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:33,578
You kidding, hot stuff?

1632
01:04:33,744 --> 01:04:34,912
You're gonna melt
every TV in America.

1633
01:04:34,913 --> 01:04:36,330
- Oh, yeah?
- Uh, yeah.

1634
01:04:36,331 --> 01:04:37,747
You know, ma'am, you are dealing

1635
01:04:37,748 --> 01:04:39,083
with a fully-qualified
male strumpet here.

1636
01:04:39,084 --> 01:04:40,166
Oh. Male?

1637
01:04:40,167 --> 01:04:41,418
I've actually got
a work order...

1638
01:04:41,419 --> 01:04:45,006
stating I should be
rogering you roundly right now!

1639
01:04:45,172 --> 01:04:46,591
Hey, have you guys seen John?

1640
01:04:47,425 --> 01:04:49,885
No, I haven't seen him. Danny?

1641
01:04:50,052 --> 01:04:51,512
- Have you seen John?
- Yeah? John.

1642
01:04:51,679 --> 01:04:54,599
Well, John's an anarchist
and an Illinois alpha male.

1643
01:04:55,266 --> 01:04:56,350
What does that mean?

1644
01:04:56,767 --> 01:04:58,497
Oh. Uh, well,
see, boss, you and I,

1645
01:04:58,498 --> 01:05:00,229
if we were
to enter this space...

1646
01:05:00,396 --> 01:05:02,231
we'd be like
15th century peasants

1647
01:05:02,232 --> 01:05:03,356
walking into the Vatican...

1648
01:05:03,357 --> 01:05:05,067
but Belushi's
a whole other animal.

1649
01:05:05,234 --> 01:05:06,986
He's a skeptic and a sinner.

1650
01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:08,613
I'd give O'Houlihans a recce.

1651
01:05:08,988 --> 01:05:10,615
- He's at the bar next door.
- Ah.

1652
01:05:10,948 --> 01:05:13,909
Um, Barbara's still asking
about your credit on the show.

1653
01:05:14,076 --> 01:05:15,119
Whatever you think.

1654
01:05:15,286 --> 01:05:16,495
It's your name, Rose.

1655
01:05:18,539 --> 01:05:19,665
Has he only gotten that far?

1656
01:05:20,082 --> 01:05:22,418
We'd like to help,
but we're rootin' for the guy.

1657
01:05:22,585 --> 01:05:24,211
Well, at least
your heart's in it.

1658
01:05:24,378 --> 01:05:26,047
Hey, you seen Jacqueline,
my fiancée?

1659
01:05:26,213 --> 01:05:27,882
No, I haven't seen shit!

1660
01:05:28,633 --> 01:05:30,551
Ladies, have you seen Jackie?

1661
01:05:30,718 --> 01:05:31,862
- No. Sorry.
- All right, change of plans.

1662
01:05:31,886 --> 01:05:33,178
We're skippin' Ancient Greece

1663
01:05:33,179 --> 01:05:34,972
and we're movin'
into the break room.

1664
01:05:35,139 --> 01:05:36,408
Ladies, I need you
in your hard hats.

1665
01:05:36,432 --> 01:05:37,909
Okay? Right now. Come on.

1666
01:05:37,933 --> 01:05:40,061
I don't want to change.

1667
01:05:40,227 --> 01:05:41,812
Are we good? Is he all right?

1668
01:05:41,979 --> 01:05:43,688
Yeah. Yeah. Danny, I mean...

1669
01:05:43,689 --> 01:05:45,252
whatever's going on
between you and me

1670
01:05:45,253 --> 01:05:46,817
is the last thing
on his mind right now.

1671
01:05:46,984 --> 01:05:49,144
So the man doesn't wrestle
with the green-eyed monster?

1672
01:05:49,195 --> 01:05:51,113
Hardly. I mean, look,
I've known Lorne

1673
01:05:51,114 --> 01:05:52,782
since I had toilet paper tits.

1674
01:05:53,616 --> 01:05:55,242
One day, he just followed me
home from school

1675
01:05:55,243 --> 01:05:57,035
- and I never shook him.
- Pretty sure

1676
01:05:57,036 --> 01:05:58,746
- you can be arrested for that.
- Look out, Rosie!

1677
01:05:58,747 --> 01:06:00,081
Sorry, Moose.

1678
01:06:00,956 --> 01:06:02,207
Anyways, I don't know,

1679
01:06:02,208 --> 01:06:04,877
Lorne lost his dad
when he was 14...

1680
01:06:05,044 --> 01:06:06,629
and his mom sold everything...

1681
01:06:06,796 --> 01:06:09,215
and so he spent a whole year
without furniture.

1682
01:06:09,382 --> 01:06:10,966
So when I first met him,
I thought...

1683
01:06:11,133 --> 01:06:14,804
he's just a stray looking for
a spare piece of carpet...

1684
01:06:15,513 --> 01:06:17,223
like, he wants to be
a part of my family...

1685
01:06:17,390 --> 01:06:19,892
and I'm the kid sister
or something.

1686
01:06:20,643 --> 01:06:22,645
But then, hormones.

1687
01:06:22,812 --> 01:06:24,772
Turns out,
I'm not the kid sister...

1688
01:06:25,272 --> 01:06:28,442
and so we start dating
and I think...

1689
01:06:29,151 --> 01:06:31,987
"Okay, he wants to build
a family with me."

1690
01:06:32,405 --> 01:06:34,699
And we get married,
we buy a house.

1691
01:06:34,865 --> 01:06:36,785
I mean, no ring.
I think those are pretty stupid.

1692
01:06:36,909 --> 01:06:39,245
But linens and china.

1693
01:06:40,621 --> 01:06:43,124
And then it turns out...

1694
01:06:43,290 --> 01:06:45,626
I'm not the kid sister
or the wife.

1695
01:06:46,252 --> 01:06:47,253
So who are ya?

1696
01:06:47,712 --> 01:06:49,004
I'm the writer.

1697
01:06:49,171 --> 01:06:51,215
All right,
rehearsal's moments away.

1698
01:06:51,382 --> 01:06:52,717
And who's he?

1699
01:06:52,883 --> 01:06:55,510
We take you now
to Ancient Greece.

1700
01:06:55,511 --> 01:06:57,012
Not yet, Don.
It's the wrong sketch, buddy.

1701
01:06:57,013 --> 01:06:58,472
Can I get you
behind the lockers?

1702
01:06:58,639 --> 01:06:59,974
Yeah.

1703
01:07:01,434 --> 01:07:02,977
And try sitting like men.

1704
01:07:03,477 --> 01:07:04,597
- Oh, yeah.
- Perfect.

1705
01:07:04,645 --> 01:07:06,856
Okay. Hair and makeup, clear.

1706
01:07:07,148 --> 01:07:08,274
Clearing.

1707
01:07:08,441 --> 01:07:10,109
Please get the fuck out.
Thank you.

1708
01:07:10,276 --> 01:07:11,860
Okay, and action!

1709
01:07:14,238 --> 01:07:17,241
Now that you've mastered
all the technical know-how...

1710
01:07:17,408 --> 01:07:20,578
I think it's time
we work on your sidewalk skills.

1711
01:07:20,745 --> 01:07:21,871
All right.

1712
01:07:22,371 --> 01:07:24,665
Daniel over here
has kindly offered...

1713
01:07:24,832 --> 01:07:27,918
to aid us
in a live demonstration.

1714
01:07:28,085 --> 01:07:29,754
Come on out, Danny.

1715
01:07:30,921 --> 01:07:32,381
Danny, enter.

1716
01:07:36,427 --> 01:07:38,428
No, you got
to take off the robe.

1717
01:07:38,429 --> 01:07:40,222
I can lose it on the day.
I figured I'd rehearse with...

1718
01:07:40,223 --> 01:07:42,141
No. You can lose
the robe right now.

1719
01:07:48,355 --> 01:07:49,857
The shorts are too short.

1720
01:07:51,484 --> 01:07:53,923
Now, when
a little piece-a heaven

1721
01:07:53,924 --> 01:07:56,363
- like Danny walks by...
- Now strut.

1722
01:07:57,615 --> 01:07:59,074
- Here's how you make him feel...
- Right.

1723
01:07:59,075 --> 01:08:00,284
Right at home.

1724
01:08:01,243 --> 01:08:04,163
Voom, va-va voom! Va-va voom!

1725
01:08:04,330 --> 01:08:05,915
Show him how to do it, Gilda!

1726
01:08:06,165 --> 01:08:07,365
- Yeah!
- Come on, Jane.

1727
01:08:07,458 --> 01:08:09,210
- Give it to him.
- All right.

1728
01:08:10,377 --> 01:08:11,587
Hey, dreamboat.

1729
01:08:12,129 --> 01:08:14,965
What's the matter? Why don't
you give me a little twirl?

1730
01:08:15,132 --> 01:08:18,135
Show me
what you're workin' with.

1731
01:08:21,597 --> 01:08:23,037
Okay, give it to him, Laraine.

1732
01:08:27,228 --> 01:08:29,855
Hey, stud muffins, want to
make bouncy bouncy?

1733
01:08:31,273 --> 01:08:32,399
Are we still doing the scene?
Or...

1734
01:08:32,400 --> 01:08:33,609
What are ya talkin' to her for?

1735
01:08:33,610 --> 01:08:34,881
You're talkin' to me,
joy chunks.

1736
01:08:34,882 --> 01:08:36,153
Stay in character, please.

1737
01:08:36,320 --> 01:08:38,072
- Hey.
- Come on, baby.

1738
01:08:38,239 --> 01:08:40,032
Ya dropped somethin'.

1739
01:08:40,033 --> 01:08:41,659
Whoa!

1740
01:08:42,660 --> 01:08:44,260
Well, I guess
I should just pick this up.

1741
01:08:50,125 --> 01:08:51,836
All right, all right. All right.

1742
01:08:52,002 --> 01:08:53,002
They are so cute

1743
01:08:53,003 --> 01:08:54,547
- when they're mad!
- All right, thank you.

1744
01:08:54,548 --> 01:08:55,965
Okay, cut.

1745
01:08:58,384 --> 01:09:00,010
The shorts are too short.
I told ya.

1746
01:09:00,761 --> 01:09:03,556
Here you go.
It was a great scene.

1747
01:09:04,056 --> 01:09:05,096
- Yeah, strumpet.
- Thanks.

1748
01:09:05,224 --> 01:09:06,892
All right, and we're movin' on.

1749
01:09:06,893 --> 01:09:08,060
Great rehearsal. Here we go.

1750
01:09:08,227 --> 01:09:10,896
We take you now
to Ancient Greece...

1751
01:09:11,063 --> 01:09:12,439
as Alexander the Great...

1752
01:09:12,606 --> 01:09:15,025
attends his ten-year
high school reunion.

1753
01:09:15,192 --> 01:09:16,777
Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie?

1754
01:09:18,362 --> 01:09:19,442
Gentlemen, you seen Jackie?

1755
01:09:22,616 --> 01:09:24,201
Look at that.
My goodness.

1756
01:09:24,368 --> 01:09:25,786
Hey, hon.
They need us in Athens.

1757
01:09:25,953 --> 01:09:27,153
Jesus, who's this guy?

1758
01:09:27,204 --> 01:09:28,706
Chevy, Milton taped
a show here...

1759
01:09:28,873 --> 01:09:31,208
- back in 1956, isn't that neat?
- Ooh!

1760
01:09:31,375 --> 01:09:32,418
She's taken.

1761
01:09:32,585 --> 01:09:34,461
What hours? I'll take
the rest of the evening.

1762
01:09:34,628 --> 01:09:35,981
- Excuse me?
- He's kidding.

1763
01:09:36,005 --> 01:09:37,089
Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding.

1764
01:09:37,256 --> 01:09:38,257
Oh, that's cute.

1765
01:09:38,424 --> 01:09:39,967
I remember
when you used to do comedy.

1766
01:09:40,134 --> 01:09:41,552
Funny, 'cause I never
heard of you.

1767
01:09:41,719 --> 01:09:43,345
That's probably the Alzheimer's.

1768
01:09:44,179 --> 01:09:46,076
What's the matter,
did you wander off

1769
01:09:46,077 --> 01:09:47,975
onto an actual TV set?

1770
01:09:48,434 --> 01:09:49,559
Hey, darling, you're sitting

1771
01:09:49,560 --> 01:09:51,353
in front of the Ghost
of Television Past.

1772
01:09:51,520 --> 01:09:52,521
This old man...

1773
01:09:52,688 --> 01:09:54,528
he used to be an institution.
Now he needs one.

1774
01:09:56,358 --> 01:09:58,235
If you want my comeback,
you're gonna have to scrape it

1775
01:09:58,236 --> 01:10:00,070
off the back
of your mom's teeth.

1776
01:10:00,237 --> 01:10:01,405
Jesus.

1777
01:10:03,198 --> 01:10:04,303
You're gonna laugh at that?

1778
01:10:04,304 --> 01:10:05,409
Listen, sweetheart.

1779
01:10:05,576 --> 01:10:07,369
There's plenty more
where that came from.

1780
01:10:08,829 --> 01:10:09,830
God.

1781
01:10:11,457 --> 01:10:12,457
Oh.

1782
01:10:12,875 --> 01:10:14,293
Do I have your attention?

1783
01:10:20,215 --> 01:10:21,987
I have two stars
on the Walk of Fame.

1784
01:10:21,988 --> 01:10:23,761
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah. Who gives a shit?

1785
01:10:23,762 --> 01:10:24,802
Hmm.

1786
01:10:24,803 --> 01:10:26,013
I once held 97%...

1787
01:10:26,180 --> 01:10:28,599
of America's television
viewing audience.

1788
01:10:30,893 --> 01:10:32,478
That's not
what they're gonna remember.

1789
01:10:33,479 --> 01:10:35,689
They're gonna remember
Mr. Television.

1790
01:10:36,649 --> 01:10:38,108
Their Uncle Miltie.

1791
01:10:40,069 --> 01:10:41,362
Who the fuck are you, kid?

1792
01:10:43,113 --> 01:10:44,198
You're not a star.

1793
01:10:46,075 --> 01:10:48,077
You're barely
in the fucking building.

1794
01:10:51,580 --> 01:10:53,165
You're not even a swingin' dick.

1795
01:10:56,210 --> 01:10:57,795
Call me after he's done crying.

1796
01:10:57,962 --> 01:11:00,339
Are you shitting me?

1797
01:11:00,506 --> 01:11:02,091
Are you shitting me
with this costume?

1798
01:11:02,257 --> 01:11:03,257
Can you make a path?

1799
01:11:03,258 --> 01:11:04,969
There's an actual comedian
coming through.

1800
01:11:05,135 --> 01:11:06,595
Wow. Look at these columns.

1801
01:11:06,762 --> 01:11:08,347
I feel transported. Oh!

1802
01:11:08,931 --> 01:11:10,641
Hey, George. How can I help?

1803
01:11:11,225 --> 01:11:13,185
So, what is this?

1804
01:11:13,352 --> 01:11:15,896
Why am I dressed like a fuckin'
towel boy from Caesar's?

1805
01:11:16,063 --> 01:11:18,399
Well, I believe you're
Alexander the Great at his...

1806
01:11:18,565 --> 01:11:20,025
Ten-year high school reunion.

1807
01:11:20,192 --> 01:11:21,272
- Thank you, Don.
- Exactly.

1808
01:11:21,360 --> 01:11:22,671
So, when Chevy asks
what you've been up to...

1809
01:11:22,695 --> 01:11:23,946
your response is, "You know..."

1810
01:11:24,113 --> 01:11:26,615
"Mostly conquering
the known universe."

1811
01:11:27,741 --> 01:11:29,492
Right.
And this is for television.

1812
01:11:29,493 --> 01:11:31,013
- Right.
- What's your concern, George?

1813
01:11:31,161 --> 01:11:32,287
My real concern is
why I let my agent

1814
01:11:32,288 --> 01:11:33,371
convince me to do your show.

1815
01:11:33,372 --> 01:11:34,599
Do you need some help
with the script?

1816
01:11:34,623 --> 01:11:36,291
I'd just love to know
where the humor is.

1817
01:11:36,458 --> 01:11:38,419
It's like a Spruce Goose.
It's a lot of wood, no lift off.

1818
01:11:38,420 --> 01:11:39,545
Well, we can rewrite.
I mean, we have...

1819
01:11:39,546 --> 01:11:40,628
Is that right?

1820
01:11:40,629 --> 01:11:41,797
- Jesus Christ.
- Great.

1821
01:11:41,964 --> 01:11:43,527
- We could find...
- No, no, no. George, I hear you.

1822
01:11:43,528 --> 01:11:45,092
- We want to make it work.
- I think I understand

1823
01:11:45,093 --> 01:11:46,927
the reason
you might be struggling.

1824
01:11:47,636 --> 01:11:49,013
You see, these are scenes.

1825
01:11:49,179 --> 01:11:50,179
Well, sketches.

1826
01:11:50,180 --> 01:11:52,057
- They revolve around acting.
- Michael...

1827
01:11:52,224 --> 01:11:53,224
And that must feel foreign

1828
01:11:53,225 --> 01:11:54,684
when you're
a ponytailed vulture...

1829
01:11:54,685 --> 01:11:56,165
feeding off the corpse
of Lenny Bruce.

1830
01:12:01,984 --> 01:12:03,736
It's okay. He's right.
You're right.

1831
01:12:07,448 --> 01:12:09,074
Because I wouldn't want
to make these skits

1832
01:12:09,075 --> 01:12:10,993
any worse
than they actually are.

1833
01:12:11,452 --> 01:12:14,496
It's a great thing
no one will be watching.

1834
01:12:14,663 --> 01:12:16,832
Enjoy your fucking
little circle jerk.

1835
01:12:16,999 --> 01:12:18,959
- We already are.
- Oh, your mom's here?

1836
01:12:23,047 --> 01:12:24,298
Well, he's in character.

1837
01:12:47,529 --> 01:12:48,530
It's shit.

1838
01:13:05,798 --> 01:13:07,132
Lorne, Lorne.

1839
01:13:07,966 --> 01:13:08,967
Lorne.

1840
01:13:09,635 --> 01:13:10,719
Lorne, great news.

1841
01:13:10,886 --> 01:13:12,888
We figured it out. Ready?

1842
01:13:18,477 --> 01:13:19,478
Ta-da.

1843
01:13:20,187 --> 01:13:22,231
- We cut the toga sketch.
- Oh.

1844
01:13:22,898 --> 01:13:24,618
Even without Alexander,
we're still 30 over.

1845
01:13:24,691 --> 01:13:26,777
Maybe we don't need
four musical performances?

1846
01:13:26,944 --> 01:13:28,963
Or maybe we could trim
one of the Carlin monologues.

1847
01:13:28,987 --> 01:13:29,988
Okay.

1848
01:13:37,371 --> 01:13:38,956
What about now?
Are we under now?

1849
01:13:40,124 --> 01:13:41,562
We can make it work.

1850
01:13:46,880 --> 01:13:48,090
Hey, hey, Lorne, Lorne.

1851
01:13:48,257 --> 01:13:51,510
Look, I know it's probably
a bad time and all, but, um...

1852
01:13:52,469 --> 01:13:53,470
but Valri and I
have been talking...

1853
01:13:53,471 --> 01:13:54,554
Yeah.

1854
01:13:54,555 --> 01:13:56,640
And we can't accept anything
less than four minutes a piece.

1855
01:13:56,641 --> 01:13:58,493
So, that's four minutes for me,
four minutes for Valri.

1856
01:13:58,517 --> 01:13:59,726
Look, we've just been...

1857
01:14:00,144 --> 01:14:01,686
working too hard on our material

1858
01:14:01,687 --> 01:14:03,230
to accept
anything less so it's...

1859
01:14:03,939 --> 01:14:05,065
four minutes or nothin'.

1860
01:14:05,315 --> 01:14:06,733
Well, I need two minutes.

1861
01:14:07,109 --> 01:14:08,485
You need me
to cut two minutes of my sketch?

1862
01:14:08,486 --> 01:14:09,569
I could do that, Lorne.

1863
01:14:09,570 --> 01:14:11,256
I mean, that's six minutes only,
you know. I can make that...

1864
01:14:11,280 --> 01:14:12,640
No, I need two minutes
of material.

1865
01:14:13,323 --> 01:14:14,443
It's two minutes or nothing.

1866
01:14:14,825 --> 01:14:16,076
Is this for real? 'Cause...

1867
01:14:16,827 --> 01:14:18,578
Okay, I killed at dress, right?

1868
01:14:18,579 --> 01:14:19,997
I'm the only good act
that killed at dress.

1869
01:14:19,998 --> 01:14:21,080
I can do the show, so...

1870
01:14:21,081 --> 01:14:22,517
Billy, can you make it work
in two minutes?

1871
01:14:22,541 --> 01:14:24,894
- I can't even set it up in two.
- Then I don't know what to say.

1872
01:14:24,918 --> 01:14:26,086
I'm sorry it didn't work out.

1873
01:14:26,545 --> 01:14:27,546
Can you make it in two?

1874
01:14:28,547 --> 01:14:29,882
- Yes.
- Great.

1875
01:14:37,598 --> 01:14:39,016
Lorne, Lorne.

1876
01:14:39,933 --> 01:14:40,933
Uh...

1877
01:14:42,227 --> 01:14:43,228
I was thinking...

1878
01:14:43,937 --> 01:14:45,147
why don't we punt?

1879
01:14:47,149 --> 01:14:49,860
Come back stronger next week,
debut with Paul Simon.

1880
01:14:50,277 --> 01:14:51,504
That's what
you've been thinking?

1881
01:14:51,528 --> 01:14:54,072
Listen, no one wants this show
to succeed more than I do.

1882
01:14:54,239 --> 01:14:55,240
Is that so?

1883
01:14:55,949 --> 01:14:57,993
I mean, yeah,
I hired you, Lorne.

1884
01:14:58,493 --> 01:15:00,054
I take it up the ass
from this network every day...

1885
01:15:00,078 --> 01:15:01,496
because I believe in this show.

1886
01:15:01,663 --> 01:15:03,808
And I'm telling you, we should
run the dress rehearsal...

1887
01:15:03,832 --> 01:15:05,417
and claw back a win
next Saturday.

1888
01:15:05,584 --> 01:15:06,960
It's in everyone's
best interest.

1889
01:15:06,961 --> 01:15:08,211
Mainly yours.

1890
01:15:08,212 --> 01:15:09,588
Sorry. Was that a threat?

1891
01:15:09,755 --> 01:15:11,590
No. What? No.

1892
01:15:11,965 --> 01:15:14,218
Lorne, all I'm trying to do
is give you advice.

1893
01:15:14,384 --> 01:15:15,552
25 minutes!

1894
01:15:16,887 --> 01:15:18,555
Thanks for the advice,
but we can't, Dick.

1895
01:15:18,556 --> 01:15:19,639
It's a live show.

1896
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:20,723
No one's gonna know
the difference.

1897
01:15:20,724 --> 01:15:22,308
- We just can't.
- Lorne, you need to start

1898
01:15:22,309 --> 01:15:24,311
adjusting your concept of what
you can and cannot do.

1899
01:15:24,312 --> 01:15:25,896
We can't
because there is no tape.

1900
01:15:26,063 --> 01:15:27,773
I didn't record
the dress rehearsal.

1901
01:15:28,440 --> 01:15:30,150
So, we don't have
to argue about it.

1902
01:15:31,526 --> 01:15:32,527
You didn't what?

1903
01:15:33,028 --> 01:15:34,172
We just have to make it to air.

1904
01:15:34,196 --> 01:15:36,031
Lorne, I'm not gonna be able
to protect you.

1905
01:15:36,198 --> 01:15:38,659
- I'm used to that.
- Oh, screw you.

1906
01:15:38,825 --> 01:15:41,203
Do you know how much bullshit
never makes it to your ears?

1907
01:15:41,370 --> 01:15:42,704
Because I'm the wall they hit.

1908
01:15:42,871 --> 01:15:44,665
Tell that to your Polaroid rep.
She's cute.

1909
01:15:44,831 --> 01:15:46,832
I'm sorry you need
a sponsor for a show

1910
01:15:46,833 --> 01:15:48,835
that can't pull
a single advertiser.

1911
01:15:49,002 --> 01:15:50,762
You know they're giving out
the ads for free?

1912
01:15:50,921 --> 01:15:54,258
NBC is lucky to have something
as relevant as this show.

1913
01:15:54,259 --> 01:15:55,467
Lorne, they don't even want it.

1914
01:15:55,468 --> 01:15:56,676
That's logical, Dick. That's why

1915
01:15:56,677 --> 01:15:57,957
they're paying us all
to be here.

1916
01:16:01,682 --> 01:16:03,183
They want you to fail.

1917
01:16:03,600 --> 01:16:04,643
They're betting on it.

1918
01:16:04,644 --> 01:16:05,768
Really?

1919
01:16:05,769 --> 01:16:07,019
NBC makes more money

1920
01:16:07,020 --> 01:16:08,981
playing reruns
of <i>The Tonight Show.</i>

1921
01:16:09,147 --> 01:16:11,316
- So, why don't they?
- It's a contract dispute, Lorne.

1922
01:16:11,483 --> 01:16:13,235
I mean, they're trying
to prove to Johnny Carson

1923
01:16:13,236 --> 01:16:14,820
that the reruns are inevitable.

1924
01:16:14,987 --> 01:16:18,031
So, they built a show
that was guaranteed to fail.

1925
01:16:18,198 --> 01:16:20,242
I mean, Lorne,
90 minutes of live television

1926
01:16:20,243 --> 01:16:21,576
by a group of 20-year-olds...

1927
01:16:21,743 --> 01:16:22,911
who've never made anything.

1928
01:16:23,161 --> 01:16:25,539
Do you ever stop and wonder
why they said yes?

1929
01:16:25,706 --> 01:16:28,625
A counterculture show
starring total unknowns...

1930
01:16:28,792 --> 01:16:31,253
with zero narrative
and even less structure?

1931
01:16:31,420 --> 01:16:33,547
Are you that fucking arrogant...

1932
01:16:34,006 --> 01:16:36,091
that you never
even questioned this?

1933
01:16:39,011 --> 01:16:40,554
Now, look, you want to know
what's gonna happen

1934
01:16:40,555 --> 01:16:42,431
at 11:30 tonight? Okay.

1935
01:16:43,015 --> 01:16:44,375
Your actors
will be on their marks.

1936
01:16:44,474 --> 01:16:46,226
Band's tuned up,
all ready to go.

1937
01:16:46,393 --> 01:16:47,996
Joe will be hollering out
the countdown...

1938
01:16:48,020 --> 01:16:49,372
and you'll be
in the control room...

1939
01:16:49,396 --> 01:16:51,716
and Dave Tebet will be standing
probably right next to you.

1940
01:16:51,857 --> 01:16:53,317
And when
those screens go black...

1941
01:16:53,483 --> 01:16:54,859
he will raise his big-ass,

1942
01:16:54,860 --> 01:16:56,486
jeweled-up index finger
and say...

1943
01:16:56,653 --> 01:16:57,696
"Go to Carson."

1944
01:16:58,071 --> 01:16:59,406
And that will be that.

1945
01:17:00,782 --> 01:17:01,825
You blew it.

1946
01:17:06,288 --> 01:17:08,749
And listen,
I know you all make fun of me...

1947
01:17:08,915 --> 01:17:10,292
and my clothes behind my back.

1948
01:17:11,168 --> 01:17:13,170
But, Lorne, I'm killing myself
for this show.

1949
01:17:15,505 --> 01:17:17,007
Also, Polaroid is cool.

1950
01:17:37,527 --> 01:17:39,654
- Oh, shit! Lorne.
- It worked!

1951
01:17:45,160 --> 01:17:46,453
Nice work, fellas.

1952
01:17:47,704 --> 01:17:49,384
A little heavy on the flow,
but very funny.

1953
01:17:50,332 --> 01:17:51,333
Sorry about the clothes.

1954
01:17:51,500 --> 01:17:52,793
And your face.

1955
01:17:54,711 --> 01:17:59,132
Art is but a measure
of sacrifice and tears.

1956
01:18:00,634 --> 01:18:01,675
Not quite ready for tonight,

1957
01:18:01,676 --> 01:18:03,512
but I'll keep it
on a special list.

1958
01:18:05,305 --> 01:18:07,015
"Special list"?

1959
01:18:20,904 --> 01:18:21,905
Lobby.

1960
01:18:26,326 --> 01:18:27,994
This an okay time?

1961
01:18:29,037 --> 01:18:30,038
Ideal.

1962
01:18:30,372 --> 01:18:31,373
Look...

1963
01:18:33,125 --> 01:18:34,584
I know what people say...

1964
01:18:34,751 --> 01:18:37,629
when they see a man
with his arm up a Muppet.

1965
01:18:38,839 --> 01:18:39,839
But...

1966
01:18:40,173 --> 01:18:42,509
this isn't just kid's stuff.

1967
01:18:43,343 --> 01:18:45,220
I believe, deep in my heart...

1968
01:18:45,387 --> 01:18:48,598
that there is room
for high-stakes puppetry...

1969
01:18:48,765 --> 01:18:50,392
on grown-up TV.

1970
01:18:50,642 --> 01:18:53,645
And... I get the sense that...

1971
01:18:53,812 --> 01:18:55,981
some of the writers
on the 17th floor

1972
01:18:55,982 --> 01:18:57,941
don't share that dream.

1973
01:19:00,277 --> 01:19:02,028
You didn't like the pages?

1974
01:19:05,198 --> 01:19:06,616
There were no pages.

1975
01:19:07,451 --> 01:19:09,870
That's fair criticism.

1976
01:19:12,080 --> 01:19:13,290
Free show!

1977
01:19:13,874 --> 01:19:15,000
Free show, sir?

1978
01:19:15,792 --> 01:19:16,793
Free show.

1979
01:19:18,628 --> 01:19:20,714
Plenty of tickets left, guys.
Free show.

1980
01:19:21,131 --> 01:19:22,466
The night's still young.

1981
01:19:23,258 --> 01:19:24,342
Hey, man! How's it going?

1982
01:19:30,098 --> 01:19:32,142
Thank you. Long Island.

1983
01:19:32,601 --> 01:19:33,810
Massapequa Park.

1984
01:19:34,269 --> 01:19:35,270
Hello?

1985
01:20:05,967 --> 01:20:07,511
<i>My family had trouble fittin' in</i>

1986
01:20:07,512 --> 01:20:09,095
<i>when they got to America.</i>

1987
01:20:09,262 --> 01:20:10,721
<i>Even though my great-grandfather</i>

1988
01:20:10,722 --> 01:20:12,974
<i>actually fought
in the Civil War...</i>

1989
01:20:13,308 --> 01:20:15,226
<i>he fought for the West.</i>

1990
01:20:15,227 --> 01:20:17,479
- Jesus Christ.
<i>- Okay.</i>

1991
01:20:17,646 --> 01:20:19,564
<i>This drunk,
he's in front of the bench.</i>

1992
01:20:19,731 --> 01:20:22,025
<i>The judge says, "Hey, we brought
you in for drinking."</i>

1993
01:20:22,192 --> 01:20:24,236
<i>And the drunk goes,
"Great. What are we havin'?"</i>

1994
01:20:25,946 --> 01:20:29,366
That's not the punch line.
Jesus, fucking bullshit!

1995
01:20:29,533 --> 01:20:30,784
What's happening here?

1996
01:20:31,535 --> 01:20:34,955
I get paid seven bucks a joke,
if it gets a laugh. Which...

1997
01:20:35,330 --> 01:20:36,998
This putz is taking
bulletproof material

1998
01:20:36,999 --> 01:20:38,083
and filling it with lead.

1999
01:20:38,084 --> 01:20:39,291
You wrote his jokes?

2000
01:20:39,292 --> 01:20:41,419
Yeah. I wrote things
that vaguely resemble

2001
01:20:41,420 --> 01:20:42,754
the things that he's saying.

2002
01:20:43,463 --> 01:20:45,715
Why don't you just
perform them yourself?

2003
01:20:46,383 --> 01:20:48,426
Look at me. This is how much
I sweat off-stage.

2004
01:20:48,802 --> 01:20:50,595
<i>I get home from work
the other night...</i>

2005
01:20:50,971 --> 01:20:53,557
<i>I see my wife in bed
with my best friend.</i>

2006
01:20:53,723 --> 01:20:56,560
<i>I say to him, I go,
"I have to, but you?"</i>

2007
01:20:56,726 --> 01:20:58,486
- Oh, my God.
- How many do you have in here?

2008
01:20:58,603 --> 01:21:01,106
About 1,100.
They're single-spaced.

2009
01:21:01,523 --> 01:21:03,000
Sorry, do you mind
if I go through them?

2010
01:21:03,024 --> 01:21:05,193
<i>- Bring up the next comedian!</i>
- Yeah. Go for it.

2011
01:21:05,360 --> 01:21:06,560
<i>I'm sure you'll hate him, too.</i>

2012
01:21:10,323 --> 01:21:11,324
Move.

2013
01:21:15,036 --> 01:21:17,372
God. That was fuckin' rough.
Shit crowd.

2014
01:21:17,539 --> 01:21:18,873
Yeah, that was it.

2015
01:21:20,542 --> 01:21:21,686
Hey, come on.
What's with the quarters?

2016
01:21:21,710 --> 01:21:24,796
Well, I changed the punch line
from 46 to 49...

2017
01:21:24,963 --> 01:21:26,798
for the line about the Buick.

2018
01:21:26,965 --> 01:21:28,165
Much bigger laugh, by the way.

2019
01:21:28,258 --> 01:21:30,510
So, that means
I only owe you $3.50.

2020
01:21:30,677 --> 01:21:31,678
You want a job?

2021
01:21:31,845 --> 01:21:32,971
That would be great.

2022
01:21:33,138 --> 01:21:34,778
I want a length of rope
and a sturdy beam.

2023
01:21:34,848 --> 01:21:36,766
How much do you need to live?

2024
01:21:36,933 --> 01:21:39,144
I make three bucks an hour
at my day job. Match it.

2025
01:21:39,311 --> 01:21:41,021
Tell him what you really do.
Tell him.

2026
01:21:41,187 --> 01:21:42,439
He's a deli boy.

2027
01:21:42,606 --> 01:21:45,233
Okay? He's a schmuck
in a little paper hat...

2028
01:21:45,234 --> 01:21:47,861
who slices the pastrami
behind the counter.

2029
01:21:47,862 --> 01:21:49,352
And he can barely do that.

2030
01:21:49,353 --> 01:21:50,844
Tell him what you did
to your finger.

2031
01:21:50,947 --> 01:21:52,532
You're hired. Lorne Michaels.

2032
01:21:52,699 --> 01:21:55,493
- Alan. Zweibel.
- Are you fucking kidding me?

2033
01:21:55,660 --> 01:21:57,179
You'd be better off
buying the pastrami.

2034
01:21:57,203 --> 01:21:58,204
Let's go.

2035
01:21:58,371 --> 01:21:59,581
Wait, what? When do we start?

2036
01:21:59,582 --> 01:22:01,916
Um... Jesus Christ.

2037
01:22:03,418 --> 01:22:05,503
You can't...
You better not leave.

2038
01:22:06,004 --> 01:22:07,547
This is not
gonna be good for you.

2039
01:22:07,548 --> 01:22:09,633
I was gonna take you to Reno.

2040
01:22:17,641 --> 01:22:19,017
Look at that form.

2041
01:22:19,684 --> 01:22:20,894
Beautiful.

2042
01:22:32,030 --> 01:22:33,823
You ever have nostalgia
for a moment

2043
01:22:33,824 --> 01:22:35,116
while you're still in it?

2044
01:22:37,494 --> 01:22:39,245
I mean, like...

2045
01:22:40,205 --> 01:22:42,248
You're in the moment,
but you're also...

2046
01:22:42,707 --> 01:22:44,709
looking back on it. Like...

2047
01:22:45,794 --> 01:22:48,463
Right now, I'm here,
but I'm also...

2048
01:22:48,963 --> 01:22:51,675
thinking about this moment
20 years from now.

2049
01:22:51,841 --> 01:22:53,426
We're walking by this ice rink.

2050
01:22:54,511 --> 01:22:55,762
Maybe it's Christmas...

2051
01:22:55,929 --> 01:22:58,973
and our kids are draggin' us
by our pinkies...

2052
01:22:59,432 --> 01:23:02,769
and we got presents loaded
on our shoulders...

2053
01:23:03,687 --> 01:23:05,605
and all we can think about
is this moment,

2054
01:23:05,606 --> 01:23:07,691
right before we went on TV.

2055
01:23:15,031 --> 01:23:16,408
You know, the NBC liability act

2056
01:23:16,409 --> 01:23:17,951
forbids you from ice skating.

2057
01:23:19,285 --> 01:23:20,286
I found John.

2058
01:23:20,453 --> 01:23:21,597
Oh, excellent work, Gilda.

2059
01:23:21,621 --> 01:23:23,665
Good thing
I didn't sign my contract.

2060
01:23:26,918 --> 01:23:28,128
What's the deal, John?

2061
01:23:30,046 --> 01:23:31,297
You on the show or not?

2062
01:23:36,219 --> 01:23:39,264
The one where I get to dress up
like a giant, grotesque bee?

2063
01:23:40,140 --> 01:23:42,267
I don't know.
Let me ask my childhood dreams.

2064
01:23:47,230 --> 01:23:49,023
I want to try a triple Axel.

2065
01:23:49,566 --> 01:23:51,192
Now we're talkin'.

2066
01:23:51,359 --> 01:23:52,819
How about a single Axel?

2067
01:23:53,236 --> 01:23:54,237
Nah.

2068
01:23:55,113 --> 01:23:57,407
I figure I can either pull off
the triple...

2069
01:23:58,825 --> 01:23:59,909
or die trying.

2070
01:24:01,035 --> 01:24:02,245
Those are the options?

2071
01:24:11,129 --> 01:24:13,757
Okay, John. I... I...

2072
01:24:13,758 --> 01:24:15,300
I support it.

2073
01:24:22,682 --> 01:24:23,683
Oh, God.

2074
01:24:35,862 --> 01:24:37,697
- He's gonna break something.
- Oh, God.

2075
01:24:40,992 --> 01:24:42,076
- Oh, fuck!
- Shit. John!

2076
01:24:42,077 --> 01:24:43,161
John?

2077
01:24:43,578 --> 01:24:44,954
- John!
- Fuck!

2078
01:24:45,121 --> 01:24:46,122
Are you okay?

2079
01:24:50,710 --> 01:24:52,253
You all right? I yield.

2080
01:24:53,588 --> 01:24:55,131
I accept your surrender.

2081
01:24:55,298 --> 01:24:57,675
Do you want me to help you up?

2082
01:24:57,842 --> 01:24:58,843
No.

2083
01:24:59,928 --> 01:25:01,763
I'm just gonna lie here
for a minute.

2084
01:25:03,431 --> 01:25:05,350
Okay, sure. Yeah.

2085
01:25:06,142 --> 01:25:07,769
We have all the time
in the world.

2086
01:25:13,024 --> 01:25:15,068
Who is that asshole, anyway?

2087
01:25:16,319 --> 01:25:17,695
It's Prometheus.

2088
01:25:18,780 --> 01:25:20,549
He stole fire
from the cauldron of the gods...

2089
01:25:20,573 --> 01:25:23,535
gave it to man, so we could
have science and the arts.

2090
01:25:27,455 --> 01:25:29,040
All right.
I'm gonna head back up.

2091
01:25:30,250 --> 01:25:31,960
We have a show to put on...

2092
01:25:32,126 --> 01:25:34,087
and I'd like to be there
when I get fired.

2093
01:25:35,880 --> 01:25:37,320
I'd hope to see you there,
too, John.

2094
01:25:58,695 --> 01:25:59,737
- Hey!
- Hey.

2095
01:25:59,904 --> 01:26:01,824
Heard you needed a quick change
for the last act?

2096
01:26:01,906 --> 01:26:02,907
Thank you.

2097
01:26:10,582 --> 01:26:12,059
What should I say
when I get up there?

2098
01:26:12,083 --> 01:26:13,683
- How should I know?
- You're the writer.

2099
01:26:13,793 --> 01:26:15,273
- You're the talker.
- I'm the talker?

2100
01:26:15,378 --> 01:26:17,422
Yeah, you talk the peel
off a grape.

2101
01:26:18,506 --> 01:26:19,507
That was funny.

2102
01:26:27,515 --> 01:26:28,557
Rose, I won't be offended

2103
01:26:28,558 --> 01:26:30,184
if you don't want to use
my last name.

2104
01:26:30,935 --> 01:26:32,979
It's not your last name,
Lipowitz.

2105
01:26:37,233 --> 01:26:38,275
Whoa!

2106
01:26:38,276 --> 01:26:39,652
Check it out! Full house, right?

2107
01:26:39,819 --> 01:26:40,820
What did you tell them?

2108
01:26:40,987 --> 01:26:42,196
Well, I kind of
had to lie a little bit,

2109
01:26:42,197 --> 01:26:43,397
but the vibes are really good.

2110
01:26:43,448 --> 01:26:45,032
Can we start to let them in?

2111
01:26:45,033 --> 01:26:46,618
- Uh... Almost.
- All right.

2112
01:26:46,784 --> 01:26:48,369
Five minutes, guys.
10 minutes tops.

2113
01:26:48,370 --> 01:26:49,829
Let's keep these vibes going!

2114
01:26:56,169 --> 01:26:57,670
- Adequate?
- Adequate.

2115
01:27:01,674 --> 01:27:04,074
- Can you imagine being first up?
- Opening the show and all.

2116
01:27:04,218 --> 01:27:05,362
Millions of people
trying to decide...

2117
01:27:05,386 --> 01:27:07,555
How they want to spend
their Saturday night.

2118
01:27:07,722 --> 01:27:09,807
What's the first thing they see?
No logo, no intro.

2119
01:27:09,808 --> 01:27:11,225
Nope. Just a close up
of your pretty face.

2120
01:27:11,226 --> 01:27:12,476
- Nah.
- Nah. Who gives a fuck, right?

2121
01:27:12,477 --> 01:27:13,728
Yeah. It's just
a bunch of animals

2122
01:27:13,729 --> 01:27:14,812
watching their lava lamps.

2123
01:27:14,813 --> 01:27:15,896
You're gonna do great.

2124
01:27:15,897 --> 01:27:16,980
- Yeah.
- Fuck off.

2125
01:27:16,981 --> 01:27:18,861
- We're pullin' for you.
- Break a leg!

2126
01:27:21,152 --> 01:27:23,488
You the writer
Lorne found in a bar?

2127
01:27:24,238 --> 01:27:25,698
That's a slightly romantic read
of the story,

2128
01:27:25,699 --> 01:27:26,866
but, yeah, I guess so.

2129
01:27:27,033 --> 01:27:29,410
All right. Well, jump on in.
Water's warm.

2130
01:27:29,577 --> 01:27:30,578
Okay.

2131
01:27:30,745 --> 01:27:32,288
Okay. Quiet, please!

2132
01:27:32,455 --> 01:27:35,291
Work stops now.
We're holding for a sound check.

2133
01:27:35,458 --> 01:27:36,602
Who wants to do the sound check?

2134
01:27:36,626 --> 01:27:38,586
Garrett! Don't you know a song?

2135
01:27:39,712 --> 01:27:40,712
Hmm?

2136
01:27:44,759 --> 01:27:46,511
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2137
01:27:49,222 --> 01:27:54,227
<i>♪ I'm ♪</i>

2138
01:27:54,394 --> 01:27:56,646
<i>♪ Gonna ♪</i>

2139
01:27:57,230 --> 01:28:00,400
<i>♪ Get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2140
01:28:00,775 --> 01:28:04,487
<i>♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2141
01:28:04,654 --> 01:28:06,572
<i>♪ When I kill
All the Whities I see ♪</i>

2142
01:28:06,739 --> 01:28:10,410
<i>♪ Then Whitey
He won't bother me ♪</i>

2143
01:28:11,536 --> 01:28:14,914
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2144
01:28:15,081 --> 01:28:18,251
<i>♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2145
01:28:19,377 --> 01:28:22,880
<i>♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2146
01:28:22,881 --> 01:28:25,008
<i>♪ When I kill
All the Whities I see ♪</i>

2147
01:28:25,174 --> 01:28:28,928
<i>♪ Whitey, he won't bother me ♪</i>

2148
01:28:29,095 --> 01:28:31,472
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I ♪</i>

2149
01:28:31,639 --> 01:28:33,575
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I ♪</i>

2150
01:28:33,599 --> 01:28:36,644
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2151
01:28:39,126 --> 01:28:40,815
Bravo! Garrett!

2152
01:28:41,274 --> 01:28:43,359
- That was fantastic.
- Thank you.

2153
01:28:43,985 --> 01:28:44,986
Thank you.

2154
01:28:45,862 --> 01:28:46,862
That was perfect.

2155
01:28:46,863 --> 01:28:48,406
- You have an incredible voice.
- You're still not

2156
01:28:48,407 --> 01:28:50,450
- gonna give me no lines.
- It was beautiful.

2157
01:28:52,285 --> 01:28:55,163
Uh, gentlemen, how long
have you been standing there?

2158
01:28:55,621 --> 01:28:56,748
Long enough.

2159
01:28:56,914 --> 01:28:58,394
Lorne, we need
to let the audience in.

2160
01:28:58,499 --> 01:28:59,542
No, you don't.

2161
01:29:02,503 --> 01:29:05,006
Perhaps you kids aren't
quite ready for prime time.

2162
01:29:05,173 --> 01:29:06,507
What are you talking about?

2163
01:29:06,841 --> 01:29:08,009
Look around, Lorne.

2164
01:29:08,801 --> 01:29:10,344
You haven't locked a script.

2165
01:29:10,928 --> 01:29:11,929
Your actors are missing.

2166
01:29:12,096 --> 01:29:13,431
Your crew is...

2167
01:29:13,806 --> 01:29:15,308
in open rebellion.

2168
01:29:19,729 --> 01:29:21,647
They'd be laughing at you
in Burbank.

2169
01:29:23,107 --> 01:29:25,193
Burbank? Excuse me?
This is New York fucking City.

2170
01:29:25,359 --> 01:29:26,360
Who's she?

2171
01:29:26,527 --> 01:29:27,727
- She... It's...
- It's... I...

2172
01:29:27,820 --> 01:29:30,364
It's complicated.
We have a hell of a show.

2173
01:29:30,531 --> 01:29:31,908
We have two bands.

2174
01:29:32,075 --> 01:29:34,118
We have seven of the brightest
comedy minds alive.

2175
01:29:34,285 --> 01:29:35,703
You even know where they are?

2176
01:29:35,870 --> 01:29:37,288
Most of them. Yes.

2177
01:29:37,914 --> 01:29:40,541
Maybe we'll just try again
next Saturday.

2178
01:29:40,708 --> 01:29:42,388
No. No, no, no. Don't do that.
Come on. No.

2179
01:29:42,418 --> 01:29:44,670
Everybody in this room
has been killing themselves...

2180
01:29:44,837 --> 01:29:46,315
- to make something special.
- I know.

2181
01:29:46,339 --> 01:29:47,816
To make something innovative
and actually good...

2182
01:29:47,840 --> 01:29:49,133
- for a change.
- "For a change"?

2183
01:29:49,300 --> 01:29:50,819
Don't tell me that you've been
doing this so long...

2184
01:29:50,843 --> 01:29:53,721
that you can't even recognize
the potential for greatness...

2185
01:29:53,888 --> 01:29:55,640
when it's right
in front of your face.

2186
01:29:57,225 --> 01:30:00,019
Do you even know
what this show is? Tell me.

2187
01:30:10,071 --> 01:30:11,572
It's an all-nighter in the city.

2188
01:30:13,157 --> 01:30:16,077
It's catching Richard Pryor
at a drop-in...

2189
01:30:16,244 --> 01:30:19,622
or finding Paul Simon strumming
in the back of a dive bar.

2190
01:30:19,789 --> 01:30:21,999
It's meeting a girl
outside of a bodega...

2191
01:30:22,166 --> 01:30:24,127
and getting lucky
in a phone booth.

2192
01:30:25,211 --> 01:30:26,899
It's everything you think
is going to happen

2193
01:30:26,900 --> 01:30:28,589
when you move to the city.
That's our show.

2194
01:30:29,048 --> 01:30:30,383
That's <i>Saturday Night.</i>

2195
01:30:30,550 --> 01:30:31,551
Show me.

2196
01:30:32,009 --> 01:30:33,010
Show you what?

2197
01:30:33,177 --> 01:30:34,594
Show me <i>Saturday Night.</i>

2198
01:30:34,595 --> 01:30:35,763
We go live
in less than 10 minutes.

2199
01:30:35,764 --> 01:30:37,035
10 minutes!

2200
01:30:37,036 --> 01:30:38,307
No, you don't!

2201
01:30:40,810 --> 01:30:41,936
Show me.

2202
01:30:54,157 --> 01:30:58,119
<i>♪ Mr. Trouble
Never hangs around ♪</i>

2203
01:30:58,286 --> 01:31:02,498
<i>♪ When he hears
This Mighty sound ♪</i>

2204
01:31:02,665 --> 01:31:05,710
<i>♪ Here I come to save the day ♪</i>

2205
01:31:05,877 --> 01:31:09,714
<i>♪ That means that Mighty Mouse
Is on the way ♪</i>

2206
01:31:10,131 --> 01:31:13,676
<i>♪ So, though we are
In danger, we never despair ♪</i>

2207
01:31:13,843 --> 01:31:15,563
<i>♪ 'Cause we know
That where there's danger ♪</i>

2208
01:31:15,720 --> 01:31:17,555
<i>- ♪ He is there ♪
- ♪ He is there ♪</i>

2209
01:31:17,722 --> 01:31:18,723
<i>♪ On the land ♪</i>

2210
01:31:18,890 --> 01:31:21,976
<i>♪ On the sea, in the air ♪</i>

2211
01:31:22,143 --> 01:31:25,813
<i>♪ We're not worrying at all ♪</i>

2212
01:31:25,980 --> 01:31:29,525
<i>♪ We're just listening
For his call ♪</i>

2213
01:31:29,942 --> 01:31:33,237
<i>♪ Here I come to save the day ♪</i>

2214
01:31:33,696 --> 01:31:36,782
<i>♪ That means that Mighty Mouse
Is on the way ♪</i>

2215
01:31:43,414 --> 01:31:45,875
Andy, you're a genius.
Now save your voice.

2216
01:31:48,211 --> 01:31:49,420
Pull up Weekend Update.

2217
01:31:49,587 --> 01:31:52,006
We're movin'
to Weekend Update, let's go!

2218
01:31:52,506 --> 01:31:53,841
- Hey.
- You take it.

2219
01:31:54,467 --> 01:31:56,069
- What do you mean?
- The show needs a face.

2220
01:31:56,093 --> 01:31:57,094
Are you sure?

2221
01:31:57,470 --> 01:31:59,472
You were born for this.
Trust me.

2222
01:32:00,264 --> 01:32:01,909
Should I make up a name
for the news anchor?

2223
01:32:01,933 --> 01:32:03,976
Use Chevy Chase.
No one will believe it.

2224
01:32:06,812 --> 01:32:08,898
Hey, remember this. When you...

2225
01:32:09,065 --> 01:32:10,441
look into the lens...

2226
01:32:10,608 --> 01:32:12,693
you're making eye contact
with America.

2227
01:32:13,986 --> 01:32:15,446
And now...

2228
01:32:15,613 --> 01:32:18,366
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!

2229
01:32:26,082 --> 01:32:27,083
Hey, doll.

2230
01:32:27,583 --> 01:32:28,813
What are you wearing?

2231
01:32:30,044 --> 01:32:31,671
Is that why I hear purring?

2232
01:32:33,005 --> 01:32:34,382
What do you got for me?

2233
01:32:34,548 --> 01:32:35,549
It's my favorite.

2234
01:32:37,969 --> 01:32:38,970
Okay, great.

2235
01:32:41,055 --> 01:32:42,056
Good...

2236
01:32:42,223 --> 01:32:43,933
Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase.

2237
01:32:44,267 --> 01:32:45,494
The Post Office
announced today...

2238
01:32:45,518 --> 01:32:48,062
that it's going to issue a stamp
commemorating prostitution...

2239
01:32:48,229 --> 01:32:49,438
in the United States.

2240
01:32:49,605 --> 01:32:50,606
It's a 10-cent stamp...

2241
01:32:50,898 --> 01:32:52,817
but if you want to lick it,
it's a quarter.

2242
01:32:57,738 --> 01:32:59,699
All right, everyone.
Eight minutes till showtime!

2243
01:33:01,784 --> 01:33:02,785
Open the doors!

2244
01:33:02,952 --> 01:33:03,953
Oh, thank God.

2245
01:33:04,954 --> 01:33:07,206
Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston.

2246
01:33:09,709 --> 01:33:12,044
Right this way, folks.
You're in for a real treat.

2247
01:33:12,753 --> 01:33:13,754
<i>Yeah!</i>

2248
01:33:17,383 --> 01:33:19,677
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin'
leaves nothin' ♪</i>

2249
01:33:21,053 --> 01:33:22,430
<i>♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪</i>

2250
01:33:22,722 --> 01:33:23,973
Lorne, remember Carl?

2251
01:33:24,140 --> 01:33:26,600
Carl? Ooh, Carl! Have you ever
used one of these before?

2252
01:33:26,767 --> 01:33:27,852
Not-a once.

2253
01:33:28,019 --> 01:33:29,395
You'll pick it up in no time.

2254
01:33:30,229 --> 01:33:31,689
<i>♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪</i>

2255
01:33:32,064 --> 01:33:33,316
<i>♪ If you wanna be with me ♪</i>

2256
01:33:40,781 --> 01:33:42,450
Come on, guys. Grab a brick!

2257
01:33:42,825 --> 01:33:44,910
<i>♪ I'm not tryin'
To be your hero ♪</i>

2258
01:33:46,245 --> 01:33:49,790
<i>♪ 'Cause that zero
Is too cold for me, ha ♪</i>

2259
01:33:52,084 --> 01:33:53,836
<i>♪ I'm not tryin'
To be your highness ♪</i>

2260
01:33:54,086 --> 01:33:55,296
Heard you needed pages.

2261
01:33:56,047 --> 01:33:57,256
Oh, thanks, Mike.

2262
01:34:02,887 --> 01:34:03,888
Oh, no.

2263
01:34:08,559 --> 01:34:10,728
Dick, question.
What is a "golden shower"?

2264
01:34:11,437 --> 01:34:14,190
- Oh. Uh... It's a yoga ritual...
- Mmm...

2265
01:34:14,357 --> 01:34:15,477
in which practitioners...

2266
01:34:15,608 --> 01:34:19,320
greet the new day by allowing
the golden rays of sun to...

2267
01:34:19,321 --> 01:34:20,737
- Shower.
- Over their skin

2268
01:34:20,738 --> 01:34:22,072
- and warm their chakras.
- Mmm.

2269
01:34:22,073 --> 01:34:23,657
- It's a California thing.
- Mmm.

2270
01:34:23,658 --> 01:34:25,242
I've had at least
50 golden showers.

2271
01:34:25,701 --> 01:34:26,743
You heard him, Joan.

2272
01:34:26,744 --> 01:34:28,344
Sign the damn script.
We're going to air.

2273
01:34:33,626 --> 01:34:35,795
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin'
Leaves nothin' ♪</i>

2274
01:34:37,463 --> 01:34:40,341
<i>♪ You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me ♪</i>

2275
01:34:42,885 --> 01:34:45,596
<i>♪ Don't you remember I told ya ♪</i>

2276
01:34:46,305 --> 01:34:48,432
<i>♪ That I'm a soldier
On the war on poverty ♪</i>

2277
01:34:49,100 --> 01:34:51,477
Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.

2278
01:34:51,644 --> 01:34:53,646
- Wallie, you son of a bitch!
- Hey, you asked.

2279
01:34:53,813 --> 01:34:55,773
Wallie, my man.
You got something for me?

2280
01:34:56,690 --> 01:34:57,775
Yes, you do.

2281
01:34:58,275 --> 01:35:00,277
George, I wanted to apologize
for how you were treated...

2282
01:35:00,278 --> 01:35:01,362
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

2283
01:35:02,154 --> 01:35:03,239
Are you having a stroke?

2284
01:35:03,240 --> 01:35:04,698
You need more coke?

2285
01:35:06,200 --> 01:35:07,201
Danny!

2286
01:35:15,918 --> 01:35:17,753
Hurry up. Come on, faster.

2287
01:35:18,546 --> 01:35:19,547
Watch your fingers.

2288
01:35:27,680 --> 01:35:29,140
Oh, boy. Lockjaw!

2289
01:35:29,682 --> 01:35:30,807
It's too much cocaine,

2290
01:35:30,808 --> 01:35:32,100
it's seizing up
the old mandibulars.

2291
01:35:32,101 --> 01:35:33,936
Let's get some finger love
in there, huh?

2292
01:35:34,103 --> 01:35:35,943
Yep. Just a little bit of this,
you'll be fine.

2293
01:35:36,105 --> 01:35:37,273
- Okay, great.
- There we go.

2294
01:35:39,233 --> 01:35:40,317
<i>Hey!</i>

2295
01:35:47,450 --> 01:35:48,659
<i>Here we go!</i>

2296
01:35:49,410 --> 01:35:50,578
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin' ♪</i>

2297
01:35:52,621 --> 01:35:54,707
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin
Hey, now ♪</i>

2298
01:35:56,709 --> 01:35:57,876
<i>♪ Yeah ♪</i>

2299
01:35:57,877 --> 01:35:59,586
<i>♪ Ah, yeah, yeah ♪</i>

2300
01:35:59,587 --> 01:36:00,879
Can you get in that wig
in 30 seconds?

2301
01:36:00,880 --> 01:36:02,548
- You got it, boss.
- Has Henson got his pages?

2302
01:36:02,549 --> 01:36:03,631
He loves them.

2303
01:36:03,632 --> 01:36:05,091
- And will that crane get there?
- It'll happen.

2304
01:36:05,092 --> 01:36:07,252
- Did you trim the fat on that?
- Already on cue cards.

2305
01:36:07,595 --> 01:36:09,635
Laraine, I don't think
you can make the change in...

2306
01:36:12,808 --> 01:36:14,018
Whoa.

2307
01:36:14,019 --> 01:36:15,227
I stand corrected.

2308
01:36:15,436 --> 01:36:16,645
Is that our show?

2309
01:36:17,188 --> 01:36:19,190
- That's our show.
- Three minutes!

2310
01:36:19,565 --> 01:36:20,566
Yeah.

2311
01:36:23,777 --> 01:36:24,778
Last one.

2312
01:36:24,945 --> 01:36:27,823
- Last one. Get it in. Finally!
- Yes! Come on!

2313
01:36:32,286 --> 01:36:35,748
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston!</i>

2314
01:37:01,315 --> 01:37:03,546
Photo! Photo! I want a photo!
Come on, family photo!

2315
01:37:03,547 --> 01:37:05,778
No, no, no. We're at
two minutes. There's no time!

2316
01:37:05,779 --> 01:37:07,363
No, come on.
It'll never be the same

2317
01:37:07,364 --> 01:37:08,947
- after this. Come on.
- Fuck!

2318
01:37:08,948 --> 01:37:11,450
I'm not leaving until I get
my photo. Come on.

2319
01:37:11,617 --> 01:37:13,327
I guess everybody go ahead then.

2320
01:37:14,537 --> 01:37:15,913
Do we have a camera?

2321
01:37:17,831 --> 01:37:18,975
- I have a camera.
- Just quickly.

2322
01:37:18,999 --> 01:37:20,376
Great. Yes! Come here.

2323
01:37:28,926 --> 01:37:31,136
All right. 60 seconds.
Come on, everyone.

2324
01:37:31,303 --> 01:37:33,222
- Let's go, please.
- After you, after you.

2325
01:37:33,223 --> 01:37:34,542
One minute.
Let's go to work.

2326
01:37:40,271 --> 01:37:41,791
What are we using him for again?

2327
01:37:41,939 --> 01:37:43,859
- I don't really remember.
- Sorry.

2328
01:37:44,692 --> 01:37:45,693
Thanks.

2329
01:37:45,859 --> 01:37:48,237
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Rocky, wake up.

2330
01:37:48,487 --> 01:37:49,655
Hey, hey, name.

2331
01:37:51,657 --> 01:37:53,617
Rosie, we need your last name
for the credits.

2332
01:37:54,618 --> 01:37:55,869
- Shuster.
- Shuster.

2333
01:38:01,333 --> 01:38:03,043
30 seconds!

2334
01:38:03,210 --> 01:38:05,087
Hey, can we get
a mic check, please?

2335
01:38:06,672 --> 01:38:08,424
<i>One, two...</i>

2336
01:38:09,300 --> 01:38:10,301
<i>three.</i>

2337
01:38:10,467 --> 01:38:11,885
Somebody's got the yips.

2338
01:38:12,052 --> 01:38:13,738
<i>- 20 seconds.</i>
- Is Carlin in costume?

2339
01:38:13,762 --> 01:38:15,514
Yep, they settled
on a T-shirt and jacket.

2340
01:38:15,681 --> 01:38:17,474
Mr. Carlin, may we get
a mic check?

2341
01:38:17,641 --> 01:38:18,721
<i>One, two, fuck you.</i>

2342
01:38:18,851 --> 01:38:19,852
Subtle.

2343
01:38:20,019 --> 01:38:21,339
Carson's still cued
for dead roll?

2344
01:38:21,395 --> 01:38:22,755
Are we going live
or going to tape?

2345
01:38:27,526 --> 01:38:29,320
Pre-roll on VTR-14.

2346
01:38:30,654 --> 01:38:31,655
<i>10 seconds.</i>

2347
01:38:33,741 --> 01:38:34,908
Ready camera two.

2348
01:38:35,367 --> 01:38:36,452
Ready on the fade.

2349
01:38:36,785 --> 01:38:37,953
{\an8}<i>Five, four...</i>

2350
01:38:38,120 --> 01:38:39,705
Are we going live
or going to tape?

2351
01:38:39,706 --> 01:38:41,123
<i>Three, two...</i>

2352
01:38:42,708 --> 01:38:43,709
Go live.

2353
01:38:43,876 --> 01:38:45,437
- Okay, go live.
- Go live. Live, live. Go live.

2354
01:38:45,461 --> 01:38:48,047
Fade up.
And we are live.

2355
01:38:53,510 --> 01:38:55,095
Ready camera one.
Take camera one.

2356
01:38:55,262 --> 01:38:56,263
Cue Belushi.

2357
01:38:59,308 --> 01:39:00,351
Cue John.

2358
01:39:00,517 --> 01:39:02,245
- Where's John?
- Where the hell is he?

2359
01:39:02,269 --> 01:39:03,520
Cue John.

2360
01:39:38,681 --> 01:39:39,682
Good evening.

2361
01:39:39,848 --> 01:39:40,849
Good evening.

2362
01:39:41,392 --> 01:39:42,726
Hey, get closer.

2363
01:39:45,229 --> 01:39:47,231
Good evening.

2364
01:39:48,607 --> 01:39:50,901
Good evening.

2365
01:39:52,695 --> 01:39:54,592
Good evening.

2366
01:39:56,490 --> 01:39:57,616
Let us begin.

2367
01:39:58,200 --> 01:40:00,244
Repeat after me.

2368
01:40:02,413 --> 01:40:04,415
- "I would like..."
- I would like...

2369
01:40:05,416 --> 01:40:06,792
"to feed your fingertips..."

2370
01:40:06,959 --> 01:40:09,044
To feed your fingertips...

2371
01:40:10,379 --> 01:40:11,422
"to the wolverines."

2372
01:40:11,588 --> 01:40:13,048
To the wolverines.

2373
01:40:14,508 --> 01:40:17,636
- Next, "I am afraid..."
- I am afraid...

2374
01:40:18,178 --> 01:40:19,179
"we are out..."

2375
01:40:19,346 --> 01:40:20,347
We are out...

2376
01:40:20,931 --> 01:40:22,808
- "...of badgers."
- of badgers.

2377
01:40:24,393 --> 01:40:25,553
"Would you accept..."

2378
01:40:26,103 --> 01:40:27,354
Would you accept...

2379
01:40:27,521 --> 01:40:29,441
- "...a wolverine..."
- a wolverine...

2380
01:40:30,524 --> 01:40:32,526
- "...in its place?"
- in its place?

2381
01:40:34,903 --> 01:40:37,030
Next.
"'Hey!' Ned exclaimed."

2382
01:40:37,531 --> 01:40:38,907
"Hey!" Ned exclaimed.

2383
01:40:42,202 --> 01:40:43,245
"Let's boil..."

2384
01:40:43,412 --> 01:40:44,872
Let's boil...

2385
01:40:45,038 --> 01:40:47,499
- "...the wolverines."
- the wolverines.

2386
01:40:48,959 --> 01:40:50,502
Next...

2387
01:41:20,574 --> 01:41:23,327
Live from New York.
It's <i>Saturday Night!</i>

2388
01:48:56,279 --> 01:48:57,613
{\an8}<i>Ah!</i>

2389
01:48:57,614 --> 01:48:59,050
{\an8}<i>All right, we're going
to do it again.</i>

2390
01:48:59,074 --> 01:49:01,576
{\an8}<i>Now we got it. Now we got it.
Go back. Go back.</i>