1 00:00:06,881 --> 00:00:08,257 Earth. 2 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,385 A cradle for unimaginable beauty 3 00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:14,763 and staggering wonder. 4 00:00:14,764 --> 00:00:18,517 Incomprehensible, overwhelming, 5 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:23,731 this planet mocks our feeble power to describe it. 6 00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:28,777 Yes, to truly appreciate the astounding grandeur 7 00:00:28,778 --> 00:00:34,158 of this planet, sometimes you must defile it. 8 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:37,536 Behold the defiler. 9 00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:43,459 His character is vile, base, and depraved. 10 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,878 Once a proud talk show host, 11 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:49,548 he has been driven by a changing ecosystem 12 00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:52,843 to a drier and harsher climate-- 13 00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:55,637 the weekly podcast. 14 00:00:55,638 --> 00:01:01,143 Here, without the nourishment of his studio audience, 15 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:05,439 this clown with dull, tiny eyes, 16 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,317 the eyes of a crudely painted doll, 17 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:12,613 is forced to feed on that meagerest of morsels, 18 00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:15,741 the random call-in fan. 19 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:21,163 Unhinged by the feral scent of their mild enthusiasm, 20 00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:25,584 he scavenges in distant lands uninvited, 21 00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:29,296 fueled by a bottomless hunger for recognition 22 00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:31,758 and the occasional selfie. 23 00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:42,476 This is madness. 24 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:44,812 This is lunacy. 25 00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:46,564 This is chaos. 26 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:54,405 This is "Conan O'Brien Must Go." 27 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:41,785 ♪ I'm turning around like Julie Andrews ♪ 28 00:02:41,786 --> 00:02:47,750 ♪ When she did "The Sound of Music" here ♪ 29 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:56,758 ♪ We asked about the rights to the song and lyrics ♪ 30 00:02:56,759 --> 00:03:01,306 ♪ The lawyer said no loud and clear ♪ 31 00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:05,767 ♪ We argued it was fair use ♪ 32 00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:08,896 ♪ They said nothing of the sort ♪ 33 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:11,732 ♪ We argued it was parody ♪ 34 00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:14,109 ♪ They said, we'll see you in court ♪ 35 00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:15,694 ♪ Conan! ♪ 36 00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:21,658 ♪ And that is why you hear this knock-off melody ♪ 37 00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:24,786 ♪ We got from Warner Brothers ♪ 38 00:03:24,787 --> 00:03:31,793 ♪ For a nominal fee ♪ 39 00:03:31,794 --> 00:03:33,962 ♪ Ricola! ♪ 40 00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:37,925 ♪ Ricola! ♪ 41 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,801 Hi, Conan, my name is Montasser, 42 00:03:39,802 --> 00:03:41,346 and I'm calling from Linz, Austria. 43 00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:44,556 Hey, Montasser. 44 00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:45,974 Very nice to talk to you. 45 00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:48,435 And I love--looks like lederhosen you're wearing. 46 00:03:48,436 --> 00:03:49,770 Yeah, exactly. 47 00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:55,234 I'm applying or trying to get the Austrian citizenship. 48 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,653 So I have been wearing this for a month 49 00:03:57,654 --> 00:04:01,157 and running back and forth in front of the mayor's office. 50 00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:07,704 Montasser, where are you from originally? 51 00:04:07,705 --> 00:04:10,582 So I am from Iraq, 52 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,919 and I fled to Austria nine years ago, 2015. 53 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,420 Wow. 54 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:19,216 From Turkey to Austria, I pretty much walked. 55 00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,218 And I'm teaching now 56 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:24,304 in a private Catholic school in my city. 57 00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:26,848 I have to say, Montasser, you're an impressive person. 58 00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:28,267 - Yeah. - Oh, my God. 59 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,853 - What's your life like? - I go to the museum. 60 00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:36,942 I like to climb trees and pick walnuts, for example. 61 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:39,195 That is another thing I do. 62 00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:44,950 You are a fairy-tale man. 63 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:49,538 You love to wear lederhosen, climb trees, and pick walnuts. 64 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:54,376 Montasser, I'm very-- I'm very impressed by you. 65 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,712 I think your personal story is incredible. 66 00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:58,505 I would love to go to Austria, 67 00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:02,009 and I would love to meet you and personally shake your hand. 68 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:06,638 So, that's just what I did. 69 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:10,350 Montasser! 70 00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,269 Yes! 71 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,104 - Terrific. - Hi. 72 00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:15,856 - It's nice to meet you. - It's you! 73 00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,607 Your hair--can I touch your hair? 74 00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:19,693 You can touch it briefly. Okay, okay. 75 00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:22,571 And you told me your story, and it's such an impressive story. 76 00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:24,948 I fled to Austria from Iraq... 77 00:05:24,949 --> 00:05:25,949 Iraq. 78 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,534 Because the situation where-- 79 00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:30,203 there was too chaotic and dangerous for me. 80 00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:31,997 - Yeah. Yeah. - So-- 81 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,498 That's why I left Cleveland. 82 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,417 I don't know about Cleveland. 83 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:36,960 Okay, sorry. Terrible. 84 00:05:36,961 --> 00:05:40,005 And I made light of what's a very serious situation, 85 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,840 which is Cleveland. 86 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:43,967 I said this on the Zoom, I'll say it again. 87 00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:45,719 I'm very impressed with you. You have an amazing-- 88 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:46,928 Thank you. 89 00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:49,014 - This handshake is very weak. - Yeah. 90 00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,515 - What happened? - I'm a weak man. 91 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:54,144 It was like a fish that I think had died six weeks ago 92 00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:56,521 was placed into my hand by a mummy. 93 00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:57,814 You mentioned one of your hobbies 94 00:05:57,815 --> 00:05:59,983 is climbing trees to get walnuts? 95 00:05:59,984 --> 00:06:01,109 Yes. 96 00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:02,861 Oh, look, people have carved--this is beautiful-- 97 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:05,238 Straudi and Strudi. 98 00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:07,074 Someone drew a penis on here. 99 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:09,034 You look at this and you saw a penis. 100 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,369 Yes. 101 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,745 'Cause I don't see-- mine doesn't come 102 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,872 to a point like that, but maybe yours is different. 103 00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,415 I mean, the size. 104 00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:17,834 I don't know, the size matches. 105 00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:20,213 Are you talking to me or are you talking about yourself? 106 00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:24,383 You know, the-- 107 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,094 the good news is, Montasser, where there's a penis, 108 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,221 there's usually nuts. 109 00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:31,808 Whoa! 110 00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:42,234 That's incr-- that was impressive. 111 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,319 - Now you. - Now let's see if I can do it. 112 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,862 I'm coming! 113 00:06:45,863 --> 00:06:47,115 Take your time. 114 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:50,325 Okay. This is good. 115 00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:51,368 Yeah. 116 00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:52,869 Oh, this is kind of-- 117 00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:54,287 ooh, okay. 118 00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:57,040 You know what? I'm gonna--oh, not unpleasant. 119 00:06:57,041 --> 00:06:58,667 I can see some nuts there. 120 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,710 Oh, yeah, where? Where are they? 121 00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:02,170 This is a walnut tree. 122 00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:05,799 It is a walnut tree because our prop person got here-- 123 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,718 - Can I cross? - Whoa! 124 00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:09,970 Ah! 125 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,638 Ugh! 126 00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:14,850 I just saw my life and your testicles pass before my eyes. 127 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,893 - Conan, I got some nuts! - Yes! 128 00:07:16,894 --> 00:07:21,731 Oh, I love the walnuts here in Austria. 129 00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,316 Here, have a walnut. - Thank you. 130 00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:26,403 Doesn't this look like a really bad album cover 131 00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:28,864 for a folk duo called, like, the-- 132 00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,324 The Two Nuts. 133 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,706 But, Montasser, your goal is to become more Austrian 134 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:40,459 so that you will get citizenship more quickly? 135 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,668 That is my goal. 136 00:07:41,669 --> 00:07:45,088 The most Austrian thing I could think of is yodeling. 137 00:07:45,089 --> 00:07:46,339 Mm-hmm. 138 00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:47,591 Would you like to learn to yodel? 139 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:48,592 I would like to learn. 140 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:51,720 Marie, Laurentius, you are yodelers, yes? 141 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:52,721 Yes. 142 00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:55,182 If I couldn't yodel, I would not be an Austrian. 143 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,683 - Yeah. Okay, yes. - Right? 144 00:07:56,684 --> 00:08:00,604 And I guess when he's yodeling better than the president, 145 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,731 then he should be an Austrian for sure. 146 00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,107 Okay. 147 00:08:04,108 --> 00:08:05,317 I'll do the talking from now on 148 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,235 'cause what you just said was crazy. 149 00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:09,237 I don't even know what happened right there. 150 00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:10,822 Does this attach to anything? 151 00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:13,283 Yeah, it's my little clock. 152 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:15,660 This shows perfectly when it's time. 153 00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,037 It's an Austrian clock. 154 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:18,455 Oh, I see. 155 00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:21,333 So you carry alcohol with you all the time? 156 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,459 To measure the time. 157 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,544 Do you have a problem? 158 00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:26,630 Austrians just have a problem if they're drinking alone, 159 00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:28,048 - but we are not alone. - I see. 160 00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,216 Sure. Sure. 161 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:30,634 You're fine. 162 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:31,801 Montasser, what do you think? 163 00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:33,178 Do you think he has a problem with the drinking? 164 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,305 I have alcohol with me as well. 165 00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:37,057 Okay. 166 00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,142 Are you wearing leather pants? 167 00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:41,102 - Yeah. - Okay. Wow. 168 00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:44,981 You're like if Jim Morrison had a baby with a leprechaun. 169 00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:46,816 This is what you look like right now. 170 00:08:46,817 --> 00:08:48,735 And that's a-- that's a compliment. 171 00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:51,279 We need to teach this gentleman how to yodel, 172 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,697 and we don't have a lot of time. 173 00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:55,284 First, we have to develop our head voice. 174 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,328 Can you do that? 175 00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,289 Yeah. 176 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,416 - Yeah, that sounds good. - Oh, you're naturals. 177 00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:04,794 Okay, now the chest voice. 178 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,883 Yeah! That was very nice. 179 00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:14,470 Wow. 180 00:09:31,612 --> 00:09:33,071 - Hello, sir. - Hello, sir. 181 00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:34,864 - What is your name? - I'm Daniel. Hello. 182 00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:36,866 - Daniel. And who is this? - This is Otto. 183 00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:37,993 Otto. 184 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,494 Are you gonna teach him to yodel? 185 00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:41,163 Of course, he's Austrian. 186 00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:56,303 So is the idea that you do that up in the Alps, 187 00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:57,470 in the mountains? 188 00:09:57,471 --> 00:09:58,847 More often at the bar. 189 00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,558 You're doing this in a bar? 190 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,885 Of course, I have one staff member who claims to be 191 00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,637 an expert on every country. 192 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,263 We all know who you are. Get in here. 193 00:10:40,264 --> 00:10:41,765 - There's no big surprise. - Okay. 194 00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:42,766 You know? 195 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:43,975 - Here you are. - Right. 196 00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:45,143 Jordan Schlansky. 197 00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,811 And what is it about Austria you love so much? 198 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,480 Well, first of all, I don't pretend to be an expert, 199 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,814 but I enjoy the country... 200 00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:51,149 I'm just gonna gesture as much as you do. 201 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,776 And that's not mocking you, that's just mirroring you. 202 00:10:52,777 --> 00:10:53,860 Go ahead. 203 00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:55,612 This is a human way of communicating, okay? 204 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,656 This is articulation and gesticulation. 205 00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:58,907 - Okay? - Yeah. 206 00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,075 I might even call it punctuation. 207 00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:01,284 Or masturbation. 208 00:11:01,285 --> 00:11:02,869 Do me a favor and get to the point. 209 00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:05,580 I like the diversity-- the topographical 210 00:11:05,581 --> 00:11:06,998 - diversity of the country. - Like what? 211 00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:08,375 Just say it in English. 212 00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:09,626 Well, you've got your Alpine peaks, 213 00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:10,835 you've got your fields of green, 214 00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:12,170 and you've got your cosmopolitan 215 00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:13,505 and classical cities such as this one. 216 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:14,881 Fields of green. 217 00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:16,675 Yeah, we frolic through fields of green. 218 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,301 When have you ever frolicked in a field? 219 00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:21,137 I've frolicked through fields on many continents. 220 00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:22,847 There's nothing wrong with frolicking through fields 221 00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:24,140 if they're available to you. 222 00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:26,267 What about the food? You're a big foodie. 223 00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:28,645 Yeah, well, I love a wiener schnitzel, of course, 224 00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:31,272 - the national dish of-- - That's what I hear. 225 00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:33,566 Oh, you're making a reference to the wiener. 226 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,735 So you've got Wien, the city, 227 00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:37,612 and something from Wien is Wiener. 228 00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:40,156 And you've got Wiener Wurst, the Viennese sausage, 229 00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:42,117 which might resemble a penis to some. 230 00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:46,287 Therefore, people have nicknamed a penis a wiener. 231 00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:48,164 And it all started right here. 232 00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:49,290 Right here on this-- 233 00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:50,542 - this is where it started? - Yeah, this is the land. 234 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,711 Someone whipped it out right here? 235 00:11:54,714 --> 00:12:00,051 We're here at the original Weiner Schneekugelmanufaktur. 236 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,053 They make snow globes here. 237 00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:05,473 This, I'm told, is where the snow globe was invented. 238 00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:06,641 Is that true? 239 00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:08,393 My great-grandfather invented the snow globe 240 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,854 - here in Vienna in 1900. - Wow. 241 00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,897 Well, can you show me your snow globe museum, please? 242 00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:14,107 Of course. 243 00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,526 And these are the tools you use to make the snow globes? 244 00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:18,862 Many, many years ago, yeah. 245 00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:20,488 Who is this guy right here? 246 00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:22,574 - That's my father. - This is your father? 247 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,367 - Yes. - Have they captured him yet? 248 00:12:24,368 --> 00:12:25,577 No. 249 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,162 - He made snow globes? - Yes. 250 00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,663 Okay. 251 00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:31,040 I'm the fourth generation, actually, and so, yeah. 252 00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:33,668 You're the fourth generation making snow globes? 253 00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:35,003 Mm-hmm. 254 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:38,131 First woman in the family business, actually. 255 00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:39,716 You broke the glass globe ceiling. 256 00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:42,051 - Yeah. - Congratulations. 257 00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:43,178 Thank you very much. 258 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:44,387 - Hello. - Hello. 259 00:12:44,388 --> 00:12:45,388 Guten tag. 260 00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,098 Wow, look at all these snow globes. 261 00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:48,600 When you come to a snow globe museum, 262 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,894 you think you'll see some snow globes, right? 263 00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:53,605 But do you think you're gonna see this many? 264 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,356 Kinda, yeah. 265 00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:56,524 Yeah. 266 00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:59,027 Owls, frogs, teddies. 267 00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,361 What is this? 268 00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:01,946 Toilet paper. 269 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:04,616 This was the special snow globe for the COVID. 270 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:05,658 How many orders did you get? 271 00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:07,035 More than 5,000. 272 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:09,370 - More than 5,000 people... - Yeah. 273 00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,372 Now, pardon me, I don't mean any insult-- 274 00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:12,999 - wanted this piece of shit? - Yeah. 275 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,459 I'm very proud of this one. 276 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,336 My God, I just saw these. 277 00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:17,837 Look at this! 278 00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:19,464 This is impressive. 279 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:22,634 Not to say the other stuff wasn't impressive, 280 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:26,012 and it wasn't, but this is amazing. 281 00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:28,556 - So your father made this? - Yes. 282 00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:31,684 - And you made the... - The toilet paper. 283 00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:34,103 - Stack of toilet paper? - Yeah. 284 00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:35,563 Ah! What's this? 285 00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:37,649 Who's this? 286 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,150 Yeah, that's my father. 287 00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:40,277 What? 288 00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:43,488 - That's your father? - Yeah. 289 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:46,241 So this is your dad being a creep, looking out a window. 290 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,534 Exactly. 291 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:48,993 Now, quick question, is this how he would peer on you 292 00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:49,994 when you would have a date? 293 00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:52,455 Let's say that I'm Heinrich, okay? 294 00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:54,040 - Okay, yeah. - And you have a date with me. 295 00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:55,917 And let's say you and I are just about to kiss. 296 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:57,210 How do you say that in in your language? 297 00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:58,378 - Kussen. - Kussen. 298 00:13:58,379 --> 00:13:59,921 And I'm going like, "Mm, kussen, kussen." 299 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,214 Yeah. 300 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:02,298 And then, suddenly... 301 00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:05,885 Hey! I see you. 302 00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:08,221 None of the kussen-kussen! 303 00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:09,973 No kussen-kussen! 304 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,517 Is that how he was? 305 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,644 No, actually not. 306 00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:18,565 He told me just to fuck around as many-- 307 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:21,693 - Told you to what? - To... 308 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,571 Fuck around as much as I can 309 00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:26,406 as long as I'm not married. 310 00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:28,074 Your father's advice to you... 311 00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:29,200 Yeah. 312 00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,493 Was to fuck around as much as you can... 313 00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:31,870 - Yeah. - Before you get married. 314 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,747 Mm-hmm. Have a good time. 315 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:40,211 That's very forward-thinking of him. 316 00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:41,504 - Yeah. - Yeah. 317 00:14:41,505 --> 00:14:44,549 So this is him actually hoping to see a little action, right? 318 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,260 - Yeah. - Are you going to fuck around? 319 00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:50,054 Is a little fucking going to happen? 320 00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:52,098 I would like to peer through the window. 321 00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:53,892 Take some pictures maybe as well. 322 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:54,894 Jesus. 323 00:14:56,103 --> 00:15:00,773 And then I turn it into an X-rated snow globe 324 00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:02,650 of the fucking. 325 00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:05,486 What's the most valuable or unusual 326 00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:06,571 snow globe you have here? 327 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:07,906 Could you show me that? 328 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,575 Oh, my God, look at this. 329 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,076 This is amazing. 330 00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,620 You did a beautiful job with this. 331 00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:15,038 Thank you very much. 332 00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:16,873 Well, we could maybe fit a small toilet paper 333 00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:19,125 inside as well. 334 00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:22,587 We don't need to put your signature toilet paper in here. 335 00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:25,381 I'm very impressed with your museum. 336 00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:26,799 Thank you very much. 337 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,259 I'm not very impressed, I'm impressed... 338 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,594 - Okay. - With your museum. 339 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,638 - Yeah. - Impressed. 340 00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:33,640 I'm happy that you have this museum. 341 00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:35,224 - This is a museum. - Yeah. 342 00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:36,851 How about that? We'll just leave it at that. 343 00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:37,977 Okay. 344 00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:39,687 This is a building that stores snow globes. 345 00:15:39,688 --> 00:15:40,772 Yeah. 346 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,523 But I like you. You're really fun. 347 00:15:42,524 --> 00:15:44,734 - Let's dance out. - You wanna dance out? 348 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,819 - Yeah. - Okay. 349 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:48,404 I like this. 350 00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:50,031 Is this an Austrian kind of dance? 351 00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,783 Yes, I think so. 352 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,661 Okay, very strange. 353 00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,706 Okay, here's the deal. 354 00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:01,584 We just drove for an hour and a half up high 355 00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:03,419 - into the Alps... - Right. 356 00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:05,046 Because you said you wanted to have 357 00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,298 this ultimate ski experience. 358 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:11,010 And then you tell me that you don't ski. 359 00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:16,808 Yeah, I don't actually ski, but I do enjoy the ski culture. 360 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,102 I look like a Serbian astronaut. 361 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:23,773 You look like Jackson Pollock ate a bunch of Starbursts 362 00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:27,568 and then vomited on an asshole who was standing nearby. 363 00:16:27,569 --> 00:16:29,070 But you don't ski. 364 00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:32,198 I had an incident in British Columbia. 365 00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:34,909 Well, we've all done that. 366 00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:36,828 What was yours? 367 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,914 There was an injury to the ACL. 368 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:42,750 Why is it "there was an injury to an ACL"? 369 00:16:42,751 --> 00:16:43,793 Well, it's understood that it's mine 370 00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,420 - because I'm talking about me. - Okay. 371 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:46,963 You see, I don't like to be redundant. 372 00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:49,924 I'm just telling you I don't propel my body 373 00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:52,343 at high rates of gravitational travel. 374 00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,386 That's all. 375 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:54,971 But I enjoy the culture around it. 376 00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,723 I enjoy the hot chocolate after. 377 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,433 I enjoy the melting cheese. 378 00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,809 I enjoy the wine. 379 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:01,185 I enjoy coziness. 380 00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:02,895 You have to experience discomfort 381 00:17:02,896 --> 00:17:05,648 to appreciate comfort. 382 00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:08,109 Oh, there's a very young child skiing. 383 00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:10,570 There's another young person skiing. 384 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:12,822 I was a deep thinker as a child. 385 00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:14,407 I didn't need to move my body. 386 00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:15,950 Let's have a new rule, okay? 387 00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:18,244 When I have an open palm, you may speak. 388 00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:20,371 Okay? You'll never see this again. 389 00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:21,414 Okay. 390 00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:22,665 Do you do this every day? 391 00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,000 Maybe you wouldn't have an injury. 392 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:25,877 No. I had an injury. 393 00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:27,962 I don't have an injury now because I don't ski anymore. 394 00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:29,130 I don't need to ski. 395 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,590 I get my thrills in other ways-- 396 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:33,718 sitting in a corner thinking about things. 397 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,470 You get your thrills sitting in a corner? 398 00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:36,596 Yeah. 399 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,181 Do me a favor and do not move these. 400 00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:39,599 Okay, I can't see a thing right now. 401 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,101 Well, let me tell you something, friend. 402 00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:44,145 - I just want you to know... - Yes. 403 00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:45,772 - That I value you. - Okay. 404 00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:47,857 You're a good friend and I'm glad we came up here. 405 00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:50,485 And I don't mind that I rented us skis and ski outfits. 406 00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:51,694 Okay. 407 00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:52,987 That doesn't bother me at all. 408 00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:54,280 How's the vision? 409 00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:56,200 - I can't see a thing. - Perfect. 410 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:04,791 We are here for après-ski, only he doesn't ski. 411 00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:06,959 - That's fine. - It's not fine. 412 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,003 It's bad. 413 00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:10,630 - Oh, hi, how are you? - Welcome. 414 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:11,964 Nice to see you, a fellow redhead. 415 00:18:11,965 --> 00:18:13,216 Nice to see you too. 416 00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,801 - Yes. - Nice hair. 417 00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,803 - Prost. - Prost. 418 00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:19,347 Après-ski. 419 00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:20,556 Mmm. 420 00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:24,310 I know sometimes you might find me frustrating, 421 00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:26,395 but I think through the lessons that you learn 422 00:18:26,396 --> 00:18:27,897 through these shared experiences, 423 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,525 you'll start to value my place in your life. 424 00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,944 Like I say, I enjoy things that communicate 425 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,237 warmth and coziness. 426 00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:37,615 I don't need external activity to turn myself on. 427 00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:40,827 I'm able to turn myself on within the confines 428 00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:42,036 of my own mind. 429 00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:44,372 Are you familiar with raclette, the Swiss cheese that 430 00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:47,208 will melt over-- sometimes even an open flame 431 00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:48,376 right into your bread? 432 00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:49,418 You know what's funny? 433 00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:51,672 I really envy that table. 434 00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:00,848 You guys are the best! 435 00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:08,272 Best guys ever. 436 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:12,608 My name is Katherina. 437 00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:14,819 I am calling from Austria, from Feldkirch. 438 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,863 Tell us a little bit about yourself. 439 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:18,406 I work as a psychologist. 440 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:21,242 I like to make metal music. 441 00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:22,869 Oh, my God. Okay. 442 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:26,664 Cringe Blizzard is slush metal, but also death metal, 443 00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:30,042 but also thrash metal, but also whatever. 444 00:19:30,043 --> 00:19:31,711 Is it a lot of yelling? 445 00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:33,004 Yeah. 446 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,548 Do you think I could be maybe a guest vocalist 447 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:36,883 for Cringe Blizzard? 448 00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,176 Fucking hell yeah. 449 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,303 Do you think so? 450 00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:41,804 You used to watch the television show 451 00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:42,930 back when I was doing a TV show. 452 00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:44,098 Is that correct? 453 00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:45,391 Oh, yeah, I was actually featured 454 00:19:45,392 --> 00:19:47,643 on a fan correction video. 455 00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:49,520 When I sent in the fan correction, 456 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,023 it said that people who get featured on the show 457 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:55,109 will get the Team Coco T-shirt, and I never received one. 458 00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:56,444 We'll find you a T-shirt, 459 00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:58,154 and I will get it to you somehow, okay? 460 00:19:58,155 --> 00:19:59,322 Because I wanna right this wrong. 461 00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:00,824 You should get your T-shirt. 462 00:20:12,794 --> 00:20:14,462 Katherina. Hi! 463 00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,214 Come on out. Come on out. 464 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,174 Hi! Hi! 465 00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:19,383 How are you? 466 00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:21,636 Oh, look at this. What's the--what's-- 467 00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,512 - That's David Hasselhoff. - Is this David Hasselhoff? 468 00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:24,805 Yeah. 469 00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:26,474 That's right, he's very big in Germany and Austria, right? 470 00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:27,600 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 471 00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,227 And AI Conan, of course, as well. 472 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,603 Oh, look at this. 473 00:20:30,604 --> 00:20:32,813 You really are a fan. 474 00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:36,359 And to be up on the same wall with Hasselhoff, 475 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,361 terrible honor-- I mean, a great honor. 476 00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:39,570 What's happening here? 477 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:41,614 This looks like it could be a satanic flag. 478 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,991 That's good. It gives good energy, right? 479 00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:45,326 Good energy? No. 480 00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:46,953 Do you mind that I'm touching your ceiling? 481 00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:48,120 No, it's fine. 482 00:20:48,121 --> 00:20:50,206 You could also, like, get rid of some of the spider webs 483 00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:51,457 - if you're at it. - I'll do that later. 484 00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:52,583 I like to eat-- 485 00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:55,002 What the heck was that? 486 00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:58,673 That was the loudest burp I've heard from man or woman 487 00:20:58,674 --> 00:20:59,799 in my life. 488 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,592 Let's hear that again. 489 00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:03,636 I'll do that later. I like-- 490 00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,430 I would love to meet your husband if he's around. 491 00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:08,057 - Yeah, sure. - Hey, how are you? 492 00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:09,183 Hi, I'm Chris. 493 00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:10,434 Chris, good to meet you. 494 00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:12,144 Let's talk about the band you're in. 495 00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:13,562 - Cringe Blizzard. - Cringe Blizzard. 496 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,648 - Mm-hmm. - Are you in Cringe Blizzard? 497 00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,066 No, I'm the manager. 498 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,818 You're the manager? Oh, I can tell. 499 00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:20,654 You've got your arms folded and you're not doing much. 500 00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:23,323 Oh, we got a music room in here. 501 00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:27,994 I could do this all day. 502 00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:30,080 In fact, I think I will. 503 00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:34,292 How many gigs do you play, like, in a month? 504 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,919 Tonight is our second gig. 505 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,755 - Of all time? - Of all time. 506 00:21:39,881 --> 00:21:40,798 Check this out. 507 00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:43,926 "Secret plan to become Conan's BFF. 508 00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:46,012 "Meet through 'Conan O'Brien Must Go,' 509 00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:47,888 - which is happening now." - Exactly. 510 00:21:47,889 --> 00:21:49,974 - So we can check that one off. - Perfect. 511 00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:52,768 "Meet on skiing trips in 'Shtaad.'" 512 00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:53,769 I don't know if we're gonna be able to-- 513 00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:54,770 - Gstaad. - What's that? 514 00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:56,105 - Gstaad. - What did I say? 515 00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:57,481 - "Shtaad." - And what did you say? 516 00:21:57,482 --> 00:21:59,442 - Gstaad. - And now what did I say? 517 00:21:59,443 --> 00:22:00,943 - "Shtaad." - What did you say? 518 00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:02,403 - Gstaad. - It's the same thing! 519 00:22:02,404 --> 00:22:04,238 - It's not. - It is, "Shtaad." 520 00:22:04,239 --> 00:22:06,198 - Gstaad. - Sh-sh-sh-guh-shtaad. 521 00:22:06,199 --> 00:22:07,700 Guh-guh-guh-guh. Gstaad. 522 00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:10,286 You barely hear the G. You're like, there's a G there, 523 00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:11,954 - but you don't pronounce it. - You do. 524 00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:13,039 - Gstaad. - Yeah. 525 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,207 - Guh-staad. - No, not "guh." Guh. 526 00:22:15,208 --> 00:22:17,335 You're saying say a G. Guh-staad. 527 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:18,711 It's Gstaad. 528 00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:19,712 How do you say good night? 529 00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:20,839 I say "ood" night. 530 00:22:22,299 --> 00:22:24,050 What do you say when someone sneezes? 531 00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:25,302 Fuck you. 532 00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:29,221 It's incredible. You stand on this chair. 533 00:22:29,222 --> 00:22:31,432 Look at the view you have that you don't even see. 534 00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:32,725 Look at that! 535 00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:34,477 That is the feature of this house. 536 00:22:34,478 --> 00:22:36,312 Why? Why don't you cut this down? 537 00:22:36,313 --> 00:22:38,064 I like my privacy. 538 00:22:38,065 --> 00:22:40,149 Well, what are you doing here that needs privacy? 539 00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:42,277 All you're doing is worshipping Satan and-- 540 00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:45,488 Oh. 541 00:22:45,489 --> 00:22:48,324 I'm a little musical. I just wrote a song about you. 542 00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:50,034 - Would you like to hear it? - Of course. 543 00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:52,203 It may not be your style. 544 00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:53,245 That's fine. 545 00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:54,330 But it's close to heavy metal. 546 00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:55,374 Okay. 547 00:22:57,876 --> 00:23:00,461 ♪ Katherina has a real cool band ♪ 548 00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:04,131 ♪ But they've only played two gigs in all the land ♪ 549 00:23:04,132 --> 00:23:07,176 ♪ I think calling herself a musician is a scam ♪ 550 00:23:07,177 --> 00:23:08,512 ♪ Katherina ♪ 551 00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:13,849 ♪ Katherina, she burps all the time ♪ 552 00:23:13,850 --> 00:23:17,186 ♪ It sounds just like a land mine ♪ 553 00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:19,814 ♪ I get frightened when Katherina burps ♪ 554 00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:21,274 ♪ She's Katherina ♪ 555 00:23:23,318 --> 00:23:26,570 ♪ Katherina gets mad when I say "Shtaad" ♪ 556 00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:29,573 ♪ She says that instead I should call it "Shtaad" ♪ 557 00:23:29,574 --> 00:23:31,826 ♪ I don't hear the fucking difference ♪ 558 00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:33,536 - It's Gstaad. - Gstaad. 559 00:23:33,537 --> 00:23:35,788 - Gstaad. - Gstaad. 560 00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:37,123 - Yeah. - Gstaad. 561 00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:38,834 All close. 562 00:24:03,024 --> 00:24:04,526 Katherina! 563 00:24:06,903 --> 00:24:10,656 Right now, I'd like to keep a promise to you, Katherina. 564 00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:14,326 Many years ago, she did a contest on our show 565 00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:16,662 and I promised her a T-shirt. 566 00:24:16,663 --> 00:24:18,832 Katherina! 567 00:24:21,835 --> 00:24:23,961 Come on! 568 00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:25,880 ♪ Feldkirch ♪ 569 00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,798 ♪ I've seen much worse ♪ 570 00:24:27,799 --> 00:24:29,216 ♪ The people here are fine ♪ 571 00:24:29,217 --> 00:24:30,342 ♪ It looks like Liechtenstein ♪ 572 00:24:30,343 --> 00:24:32,179 ♪ Feldkirch ♪ 573 00:24:38,602 --> 00:24:40,645 ♪ It could be much worse ♪ 574 00:24:46,359 --> 00:24:47,985 Hey, quick fun fact-- 575 00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:52,490 the symbol of Austria is an eagle with a migraine. 576 00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:54,492 The other symbol of Austria-- 577 00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:56,660 the lion vaping. 578 00:24:56,661 --> 00:24:58,579 They were way ahead of the curve. 579 00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:00,122 - Hey, quick question. - Yeah? 580 00:25:00,123 --> 00:25:03,542 Who gave you the scarf, Groot? 581 00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:06,587 Groot called and he wants his scarf back. 582 00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:08,047 It's actually Gru. 583 00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:10,090 - I said Gru. - I thought you said Groot. 584 00:25:10,091 --> 00:25:11,175 No, I said Gru. 585 00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:12,760 What is the fascination with Gru? 586 00:25:12,761 --> 00:25:14,053 - I don't understand. - I'm doing reference-- 587 00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:15,471 I'm wearing a scarf 'cause we're in the mountains. 588 00:25:15,472 --> 00:25:17,389 This is what comedians do. They walk around. 589 00:25:17,390 --> 00:25:19,558 How do you associate this with Gru? 590 00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:21,143 - Does he wear a scarf? - He wears a scarf... 591 00:25:21,144 --> 00:25:22,436 - Okay. - A dark scarf. 592 00:25:22,437 --> 00:25:23,729 But certainly, other people wear scarves. 593 00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:25,022 That guy over there is wearing a scarf. 594 00:25:25,023 --> 00:25:26,315 Okay, look. 595 00:25:26,316 --> 00:25:28,484 Gru has a-- has some stripes in his. 596 00:25:28,485 --> 00:25:30,694 But the fact that you're just wearing a scarf, 597 00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:32,112 - I think, gets-- - That's enough. 598 00:25:32,113 --> 00:25:33,739 It gets me 40% of the way there. 599 00:25:33,740 --> 00:25:35,199 Half the time you call him Gru, 600 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,034 and half the time you call him Groot. 601 00:25:37,035 --> 00:25:40,246 I don't know. It depends on how we edit it. 602 00:25:40,247 --> 00:25:42,957 And I'm usually the one that stops by editing 603 00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:45,709 and figures things out in my favor. 604 00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,045 Groot called and he wants his scarf back. 605 00:25:48,046 --> 00:25:50,214 Who gave you the scarf, Groot? 606 00:25:50,215 --> 00:25:51,715 Did Groot sell you this scarf? 607 00:25:51,716 --> 00:25:53,676 Who gave you the scarf, Groot? 608 00:25:53,677 --> 00:25:56,512 It turns out Feldkirch was just a short walk 609 00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:59,098 to the Austrian border, and I couldn't resist getting 610 00:25:59,099 --> 00:26:01,183 another stamp on my passport. 611 00:26:01,184 --> 00:26:02,977 Hey, check this out. 612 00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:07,523 Austria borders a tiny little country called Liechtenstein. 613 00:26:07,524 --> 00:26:11,151 It is the sixth smallest country in the world. 614 00:26:11,152 --> 00:26:13,070 It's right there. 615 00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:17,616 My deal with Max is that they pay me per country. 616 00:26:17,617 --> 00:26:20,287 You see where I'm going with this? 617 00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:23,706 Earth. 618 00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:25,457 Blah, blah, blah, defiler. 619 00:26:25,458 --> 00:26:27,877 Blah, blah, blah, Liechtenstein. 620 00:26:34,718 --> 00:26:36,386 Liechtenstein! 621 00:27:03,496 --> 00:27:05,456 That was Liechtenstein. 622 00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:06,666 Pay up, Max. 623 00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:17,636 Don't scowl at me. 624 00:27:20,597 --> 00:27:22,390 This is deranged. 625 00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:30,397 I gotta tell you, Jordan, what I love about Austria, 626 00:27:30,398 --> 00:27:31,815 or as you call it... 627 00:27:31,816 --> 00:27:34,276 - Oesterreich. - Oesterreich, 628 00:27:34,277 --> 00:27:36,820 is that every single building just looks 629 00:27:36,821 --> 00:27:38,447 old and cool and amazing. 630 00:27:38,448 --> 00:27:42,159 Did you know that this is a Popeyes fried chicken? 631 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,328 Did you know what this is right here? 632 00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:46,664 - What's that? - That's a Waffle House! 633 00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:48,207 - A "vaffle" house? - It's gorgeous. 634 00:27:48,208 --> 00:27:49,625 Do you know what this is right here? 635 00:27:49,626 --> 00:27:51,585 - What's that? - It's a Lens Crafter. 636 00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:52,753 Do you know what that is right there? 637 00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:55,255 - What's that? - That's a Chipotle. 638 00:27:55,256 --> 00:28:01,345 I was there half an hour ago, and I got myself a chimichanga. 639 00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:07,602 And by the way, Gru called and wants his fucking scarf back. 640 00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:13,649 Clearly, the combination of jet lag and Jordan 641 00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:16,068 was putting a strain on my mental health. 642 00:28:16,069 --> 00:28:19,321 Luckily, I was in the birthplace of psychotherapy. 643 00:28:19,322 --> 00:28:22,074 I'm at the Freud Museum. 644 00:28:22,075 --> 00:28:28,414 This is the actual office where Freud practiced psychoanalysis. 645 00:28:28,415 --> 00:28:33,252 He was here from 1891 to, I believe, 1938. 646 00:28:33,253 --> 00:28:35,045 And this is Peter. Is that right, Peter? 647 00:28:35,046 --> 00:28:36,880 - Yeah. - It's very nice to see you. 648 00:28:36,881 --> 00:28:38,132 Nice to see you, Conan. 649 00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:41,510 This is the actual couch that his patients 650 00:28:41,511 --> 00:28:43,262 lay on as he analyzed them. 651 00:28:43,263 --> 00:28:44,388 Is that true? 652 00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:46,098 That's incorrect. 653 00:28:46,099 --> 00:28:48,392 This is the couch where the people were waiting. 654 00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:50,270 The actual couch is in London. 655 00:28:57,068 --> 00:29:00,821 I was under the impression that, to come here today 656 00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:04,283 and to visit the museum, I needed to be dressed as Freud. 657 00:29:04,284 --> 00:29:05,743 Is that correct? 658 00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:08,913 It's not necessary, but it's very nice to do so. 659 00:29:15,295 --> 00:29:17,004 Have you been in analysis? 660 00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:18,922 No, I have not. 661 00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:20,758 What is your name, please? 662 00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:22,384 Helmut is my name. 663 00:29:22,385 --> 00:29:24,219 Helmut. 664 00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:27,097 And tell me, Helmut... 665 00:29:27,098 --> 00:29:29,183 do you hate your father? 666 00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:32,227 My father is a very respectable person. 667 00:29:32,228 --> 00:29:38,442 Do you wish to kill your father and marry your mother? 668 00:29:38,443 --> 00:29:39,860 I do not think so. 669 00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:42,696 I am not asking you what you think. 670 00:29:42,697 --> 00:29:45,866 Do you wish to kill your father? 671 00:29:45,867 --> 00:29:48,994 If so, I know a guy who'll do it real cheap. 672 00:29:48,995 --> 00:29:50,454 He's very good. 673 00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:53,624 He'll make it look like a bicycle accident. 674 00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:57,795 Have you had any disturbing dreams recently, Helmut? 675 00:29:57,796 --> 00:30:02,925 There is something like a motorized vehicle driving 676 00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:04,635 in and out of a tunnel. 677 00:30:04,636 --> 00:30:07,095 Like an automobile? 678 00:30:07,096 --> 00:30:09,139 Yes, correct. 679 00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:14,729 Is the automobile shaped like your father's penis? 680 00:30:16,356 --> 00:30:19,358 I do not know the looks of my father's penis. 681 00:30:19,359 --> 00:30:22,069 Have you ever walked in on your father when he's stepping 682 00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:24,321 out of the shower and said, 683 00:30:24,322 --> 00:30:26,950 "Father, your scheidenhouser's out?" 684 00:30:28,576 --> 00:30:30,118 No, I never did that. 685 00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:36,041 When the automobile goes into the tunnel, does it says, 686 00:30:36,042 --> 00:30:37,168 "Here comes Daddy"? 687 00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:40,254 I'd like to go through the five stages 688 00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:42,297 of psychosexual development. 689 00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:44,174 The oral stage. 690 00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:45,968 Then there's the anal stage. 691 00:30:45,969 --> 00:30:48,136 This is where you're putting food in your bottom 692 00:30:48,137 --> 00:30:51,807 while you're having sex, usually a goulash. 693 00:30:51,808 --> 00:30:53,600 Then there's the phallic stage. 694 00:30:53,601 --> 00:30:56,687 Is eating cucumbers and carrots a symbol 695 00:30:56,688 --> 00:30:58,021 for the phallic stage? 696 00:30:58,022 --> 00:30:59,940 Do you just eat the carrot and the cucumber? 697 00:30:59,941 --> 00:31:01,275 Yes. 698 00:31:01,276 --> 00:31:03,318 But first you lick it for a long time 699 00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:05,779 and then push it in and out of your mouth repeatedly. 700 00:31:05,780 --> 00:31:07,823 And then do you realize it's a penis 701 00:31:07,824 --> 00:31:11,619 and that you're in an alley with a guy named Ongee? 702 00:31:13,788 --> 00:31:15,664 I never experienced that. 703 00:31:15,665 --> 00:31:17,332 - You have not? - No. 704 00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:18,917 Well, I have. 705 00:31:18,918 --> 00:31:21,129 Ongee, call me if you see this. 706 00:31:22,881 --> 00:31:24,172 I had a good time. 707 00:31:24,173 --> 00:31:26,633 I'd like to see you again. 708 00:31:26,634 --> 00:31:28,510 Freud famously didn't say much. 709 00:31:28,511 --> 00:31:30,178 He just let the patients talk. 710 00:31:30,179 --> 00:31:33,098 My take on Freud is that he talked a lot 711 00:31:33,099 --> 00:31:36,476 and just did a lot of bits and said silly things 712 00:31:36,477 --> 00:31:38,645 that might play well on HBO Max. 713 00:31:38,646 --> 00:31:41,023 Or just Max, as they like to call it now. 714 00:31:41,024 --> 00:31:43,150 Because for some reason, they decided HBO 715 00:31:43,151 --> 00:31:46,111 was too prestigious a name. 716 00:31:46,112 --> 00:31:49,031 By the way, this is just a tape-on, not a glue-on beard. 717 00:31:49,032 --> 00:31:50,574 'Cause I've done so many travel shows, 718 00:31:50,575 --> 00:31:52,701 I didn't wanna put on a fucking glue-on beard. 719 00:31:52,702 --> 00:31:54,578 I just hosted the Oscars and you want me 720 00:31:54,579 --> 00:31:57,372 to glue a beard on like I'm in a high school production 721 00:31:57,373 --> 00:31:58,957 of "12 Angry Men?" 722 00:31:58,958 --> 00:32:01,293 They just keep pushing and pushing and pushing. 723 00:32:01,294 --> 00:32:04,046 But what about me? I just go and go and go and go. 724 00:32:04,047 --> 00:32:05,464 I'm like an old mule. 725 00:32:05,465 --> 00:32:07,257 My concern is that, in our business, 726 00:32:07,258 --> 00:32:11,053 they tend to age people out, especially in comedy. 727 00:32:11,054 --> 00:32:13,597 Now it's all about Nate Bargatze. 728 00:32:13,598 --> 00:32:17,559 Oh, Nate Bargatze, did you see him on "SNL"? 729 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:18,727 He's so funny. 730 00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:22,356 And so here I am, dressed as Freud, 731 00:32:22,357 --> 00:32:24,942 doing this travel show thing again. 732 00:32:24,943 --> 00:32:26,985 I haven't seen my wife in months. 733 00:32:26,986 --> 00:32:28,278 My children hate me. 734 00:32:28,279 --> 00:32:30,197 And then I look at the other travel shows. 735 00:32:30,198 --> 00:32:34,034 Eva Longoria, she just goes to Mexico City. 736 00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:35,369 And oh, look at me. 737 00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:37,371 I'm all dressed up and I'm all pretty and look at me. 738 00:32:37,372 --> 00:32:41,083 Oh, I just ate some delicious food and I had a glass of wine. 739 00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:43,377 That was delicious. And cut. 740 00:32:43,378 --> 00:32:45,045 Go back to your hotel room. 741 00:32:45,046 --> 00:32:47,547 It's a five-star, Eva Longoria. 742 00:32:47,548 --> 00:32:50,175 Or Stanley Tucci, what the fuck? 743 00:32:50,176 --> 00:32:53,011 He just tastes things and says, "This is delicious," 744 00:32:53,012 --> 00:32:54,513 and they go, "Oh, you like it?" 745 00:32:54,514 --> 00:32:56,515 And "Oh, boy, I feel like there's an explosion 746 00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:58,058 of joy in my mouth." 747 00:32:58,059 --> 00:32:59,643 And cut. 748 00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:03,981 Go back to your hotel room, Stanley Tucci, we got it. 749 00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:05,482 Hey, what's Conan doing? 750 00:33:05,483 --> 00:33:07,818 Well, he's got a glue-on beard, he's dressed as Freud, 751 00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:10,278 and he's doing a whole bit. 752 00:33:10,279 --> 00:33:11,780 He's getting old. 753 00:33:11,781 --> 00:33:14,324 In ten minutes, we're gonna put him on a trapeze. 754 00:33:14,325 --> 00:33:15,951 He's gonna fall and break his hip, 755 00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:16,994 and then we're gonna say, 756 00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:18,954 "Now it's time for you to go to Guam. 757 00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:20,789 "Hurry, Conan. 758 00:33:20,790 --> 00:33:22,332 "We're not gonna pay you the old rates 759 00:33:22,333 --> 00:33:23,792 "'cause it's streaming now. 760 00:33:23,793 --> 00:33:25,293 "We don't have that kind of money anymore. 761 00:33:25,294 --> 00:33:27,004 You're just gonna get what you get." 762 00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:28,714 And then it comes out and someone says, 763 00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:32,009 "I saw it on an airplane. It was pretty funny." 764 00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,594 And I'm like, "Pretty funny? I broke my hip." 765 00:33:34,595 --> 00:33:35,804 They push me and push me, 766 00:33:35,805 --> 00:33:38,306 and Jeff Ross is in the background chewing gum 767 00:33:38,307 --> 00:33:40,308 and saying it looks pretty good. 768 00:33:40,309 --> 00:33:41,810 And he shrugs and says, "I don't know. 769 00:33:41,811 --> 00:33:43,812 I don't eat bread these days." 770 00:33:43,813 --> 00:33:46,231 And I'm like, well, what the fuck? 771 00:33:46,232 --> 00:33:47,649 So you don't eat bread? 772 00:33:47,650 --> 00:33:49,276 Is that something we're gonna talk about now? 773 00:33:49,277 --> 00:33:51,028 We're gonna die soon and we're talking 774 00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:52,654 about not eating bread? 775 00:33:52,655 --> 00:33:54,031 And the writers, they don't care. 776 00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:56,199 You know, I just say shit that comes out of my head 777 00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:58,493 and then written by those guys. 778 00:33:58,494 --> 00:33:59,661 Oh, wow. 779 00:33:59,662 --> 00:34:01,246 That sounds great. 780 00:34:01,247 --> 00:34:03,832 Emmys for everybody. 781 00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:08,212 Dr. Freud, I'm sorry, I think your session is over. 782 00:34:45,041 --> 00:34:48,086 So same time next week? 783 00:34:55,301 --> 00:34:57,302 Here's another symbol of Austria-- 784 00:34:57,303 --> 00:35:01,223 Zeus leaving a strip club at 4:00 in the morning. 785 00:35:01,224 --> 00:35:05,644 Oh, I can't find my pants. 786 00:35:05,645 --> 00:35:09,189 Jordan, remember earlier when I was doing that kind of riff 787 00:35:09,190 --> 00:35:10,982 about you being Gru? 788 00:35:10,983 --> 00:35:12,234 Yes, I did. 789 00:35:12,235 --> 00:35:13,735 Well, I got a little present for you right here. 790 00:35:13,736 --> 00:35:16,113 Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. 791 00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:17,155 Perfect. 792 00:35:17,156 --> 00:35:19,783 Hey, Austria, check it out. 793 00:35:19,784 --> 00:35:21,368 It's Gru. 794 00:35:21,369 --> 00:35:22,869 Hey, you don't like the scarf? 795 00:35:22,870 --> 00:35:25,123 Don't worry. It'll Gru on you. 796 00:35:28,376 --> 00:35:31,419 We got Gru over here, and I'm a minion. 797 00:35:31,420 --> 00:35:33,505 Bleep. Bleep. Blurp. Blurp. 798 00:35:33,506 --> 00:35:34,674 No one's with you. 799 00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:38,051 Hi. Where are you from? 800 00:35:38,052 --> 00:35:40,011 - I'm from Kazakhstan. - You're from Kazakhstan? 801 00:35:40,012 --> 00:35:41,012 Yeah, yeah. 802 00:35:41,013 --> 00:35:42,389 Have you seen "Despicable Me"? 803 00:35:42,390 --> 00:35:43,974 - No. - Okay, well, guess what? 804 00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:46,101 There's a guy in it, and his name is Gru. 805 00:35:46,102 --> 00:35:48,353 I guess it's you. 806 00:35:48,354 --> 00:35:50,063 Yes! Yes! 807 00:35:50,064 --> 00:35:51,565 Actually, Kazakhstan loves you. 808 00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:53,525 - Kazakhstan loves me? - Yeah, very much. 809 00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:55,277 - I should go to Kazakhstan. - Yes. 810 00:35:55,278 --> 00:35:56,570 You know who should I bring with me? 811 00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:57,696 - Gru. - Gru. 812 00:35:57,697 --> 00:35:59,573 I should bring Gru with me. 813 00:35:59,574 --> 00:36:01,199 Okay, it was so nice to meet you. 814 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:02,784 Yeah, when a fan is cutting it off... 815 00:36:02,785 --> 00:36:04,077 Bye-bye. 816 00:36:04,078 --> 00:36:05,788 You know that I've gone too far. 817 00:36:13,254 --> 00:36:14,171 Please don't. 818 00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:17,383 - I think I'm losing my mind. - Sure. 819 00:36:20,803 --> 00:36:23,221 The Vienna Boys Choir, 820 00:36:23,222 --> 00:36:25,307 just known throughout the world, 821 00:36:25,308 --> 00:36:28,768 a 525-year tradition. 822 00:36:28,769 --> 00:36:31,521 These are three members of the Vienna Boys Choir? 823 00:36:31,522 --> 00:36:32,647 Yes. 824 00:36:32,648 --> 00:36:33,857 These are the hats that you wear. 825 00:36:33,858 --> 00:36:35,066 - Yes. - Can you put the hats on? 826 00:36:35,067 --> 00:36:36,693 Can I see them with the hats? 827 00:36:36,694 --> 00:36:39,196 It looks like you three would have a tiny submarine together. 828 00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:40,947 What does it say up on top there? 829 00:36:40,948 --> 00:36:42,282 Wiener Sangerknaben. 830 00:36:42,283 --> 00:36:43,993 - Which is? - Vienna Boys Choir. 831 00:36:45,369 --> 00:36:46,953 Right. 832 00:36:46,954 --> 00:36:48,788 Do you all live in bunk beds, you know, 833 00:36:48,789 --> 00:36:50,457 one bed on top of another? 834 00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:52,209 Well, there's one bunk bed. Yes. 835 00:36:52,210 --> 00:36:55,754 One bunk bed with like-- that's 100 feet high? 836 00:36:55,755 --> 00:36:57,297 And the top kids sometimes rolls over 837 00:36:57,298 --> 00:36:59,591 and falls to his death? 838 00:36:59,592 --> 00:37:01,092 There's nothing you can do about it. 839 00:37:01,093 --> 00:37:02,093 Yeah. 840 00:37:02,094 --> 00:37:03,261 Hey, every now and then you lose a kid. 841 00:37:03,262 --> 00:37:05,013 That's what happens, right? 842 00:37:05,014 --> 00:37:06,139 Yes. 843 00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:07,225 You ever hear him just go by-- 844 00:37:08,476 --> 00:37:10,603 And you're like, he's a little off pitch. 845 00:37:13,481 --> 00:37:14,773 - Oh, wow. - Hey. 846 00:37:14,774 --> 00:37:16,233 - Look at this. - Yeah. 847 00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:17,777 They all stood up. Thank you. 848 00:37:25,701 --> 00:37:27,954 Very nice. 849 00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:53,144 How am I supposed to do this if you're laughing? 850 00:37:53,145 --> 00:37:56,481 I am now your conductor, okay? 851 00:37:56,482 --> 00:38:02,195 Everything I do, you keep your eye on me, okay? 852 00:38:02,196 --> 00:38:05,407 Stare right into these eyes. 853 00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:08,743 Never lose concentration. 854 00:38:08,744 --> 00:38:10,870 Do you understand? Good. 855 00:38:10,871 --> 00:38:12,580 Go to the bank. 856 00:38:12,581 --> 00:38:14,749 Rob the bank. 857 00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:17,377 Give me the money. 858 00:38:17,378 --> 00:38:21,048 Yes, my perfect robot. 859 00:38:42,069 --> 00:38:47,783 ♪ Bom, bom, ding, ding ♪ 860 00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:34,180 Despite its cold climate, I found the people of Austria 861 00:40:34,181 --> 00:40:37,809 to be warm, funny, 862 00:40:37,810 --> 00:40:41,896 and most of all, hygienic. 863 00:40:41,897 --> 00:40:43,106 And I've never been to a country 864 00:40:43,107 --> 00:40:45,192 that was more tolerant of my singing. 865 00:40:50,072 --> 00:40:51,906 Thank you, Austria. 866 00:40:51,907 --> 00:40:53,700 You gave me so much. 867 00:40:53,701 --> 00:40:56,579 It's only fair I give you something in return. 868 00:41:17,308 --> 00:41:19,184 The id is the primitive urges. 869 00:41:19,185 --> 00:41:22,520 Those are the urges for the food and the sex, 870 00:41:22,521 --> 00:41:25,607 things that the caveman would be interested in. 871 00:41:25,608 --> 00:41:28,985 The ego, or the Eggo, is a waffle. 872 00:41:28,986 --> 00:41:30,570 It can be reheated. 873 00:41:30,571 --> 00:41:32,363 It is frozen but can be reheated. 874 00:41:32,364 --> 00:41:34,407 It's popular for the children in the morning 875 00:41:34,408 --> 00:41:36,659 when they're trying to get to school. 876 00:41:36,660 --> 00:41:39,829 The super-Eggo is a more expensive Eggo. 877 00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:44,542 It is an Eggo that has a buttermilk mixture in it 878 00:41:44,543 --> 00:41:46,294 and it is used with the syrup. 879 00:41:46,295 --> 00:41:49,130 It costs a little more, but if you love your children, 880 00:41:49,131 --> 00:41:50,883 it's worth it.