- Earth.
A cradle for unimaginable beauty
and staggering wonder.
Incomprehensible, overwhelming,
this planet mocks our feeble power to describe it.
Yes, to truly appreciate the astounding grandeur
of this planet, sometimes you must defile it.
Behold the defiler.
His character is vile, base, and depraved.
Once a proud talk show host,
he has been driven by a changing ecosystem
to a drier and harsher climate--
the weekly podcast.
Here, without the nourishment of his studio audience,
this clown with dull, tiny eyes,
the eyes of a crudely painted doll,
is forced to feed on that meagerest of morsels,
the random call-in fan.
Unhinged by the feral scent of their mild enthusiasm,
he scavenges in distant lands uninvited,
fueled by a bottomless hunger for recognition
and the occasional selfie.
[dramatic orchestral music]
♪ ♪
This is madness.
This is lunacy.
This is chaos.
This is "Conan O'Brien Must Go."
[peaceful music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ I'm turning around like Julie Andrews ♪
♪ When she did "The Sound of Music" here ♪
♪ ♪
♪ We asked about the rights to the song and lyrics ♪
♪ The lawyer said no loud and clear ♪
♪ ♪
♪ We argued it was fair use ♪
♪ They said nothing of the sort ♪
♪ We argued it was parody ♪
♪ They said, we'll see you in court ♪
♪ Conan! ♪
♪ And that is why you hear this knock-off melody ♪
♪ We got from Warner Brothers ♪
♪ For a nominal fee ♪
♪ Ricola! ♪
- Hi, Conan, my name is Montasser,
and I'm calling from Linz, Austria.
[laughter]
- Hey, Montasser.
Very nice to talk to you.
And I love--looks like lederhosen you're wearing.
- Yeah, exactly.
I'm applying or trying to get the Austrian citizenship.
So I have been wearing this for a month
and running back and forth in front of the mayor's office.
[laughter]
- Montasser, where are you from originally?
- So I am from Iraq,
and I fled to Austria nine years ago, 2015.
- Wow.
- From Turkey to Austria, I pretty much walked.
And I'm teaching now
in a private Catholic school in my city.
- I have to say, Montasser, you're an impressive person.
- Yeah. - Oh, my God.
- What's your life like? - I go to the museum.
I like to climb trees and pick walnuts, for example.
That is another thing I do.
[laughter]
- You are a fairy-tale man.
You love to wear lederhosen, climb trees, and pick walnuts.
Montasser, I'm very-- I'm very impressed by you.
I think your personal story is incredible.
I would love to go to Austria,
and I would love to meet you and personally shake your hand.
So, that's just what I did.
Montasser!
Yes!
Terrific. - Hi.
- It's nice to meet you. - It's you!
Your hair--can I touch your hair?
- You can touch it briefly. Okay, okay.
And you told me your story, and it's such an impressive story.
- I fled to Austria from Iraq...
- Iraq.
- Because the situation where--
there was too chaotic and dangerous for me.
- Yeah. Yeah. - So--
- That's why I left Cleveland.
- [laughs] I don't know about Cleveland.
- Okay, sorry. Terrible.
And I made light of what's a very serious situation,
which is Cleveland.
I said this on the Zoom, I'll say it again.
I'm very impressed with you. You have an amazing--
- Thank you.
- This handshake is very weak. - Yeah.
- What happened? - I'm a weak man.
- It was like a fish that I think had died six weeks ago
was placed into my hand by a mummy.
You mentioned one of your hobbies
is climbing trees to get walnuts?
- Yes.
- Oh, look, people have carved--this is beautiful--
Straudi and Strudi.
- Someone drew a penis on here.
- You look at this and you saw a penis.
- Yes.
- 'Cause I don't see-- mine doesn't come
to a point like that, but maybe yours is different.
- I mean, the size.
I don't know, the size matches.
- Are you talking to me or are you talking about yourself?
[laughter] You know, the--
the good news is, Montasser, where there's a penis,
there's usually nuts.
[laughter]
Whoa!
That's incr-- that was impressive.
- Now you. - Now let's see if I can do it.
I'm coming!
- Take your time.
- Okay. This is good.
- Yeah.
- Oh, this is kind of--
ooh, okay.
You know what? I'm gonna--oh, not unpleasant.
- I can see some nuts there.
- Oh, yeah, where? Where are they?
- This is a walnut tree.
- It is a walnut tree because our prop person got here--
- Can I cross? - Whoa!
Ah!
Ugh!
I just saw my life and your testicles pass before my eyes.
- Conan, I got some nuts! - Yes!
[in German accent] Oh, I love the walnuts here in Austria.
[normally] Here, have a walnut. - Thank you.
- Doesn't this look like a really bad album cover
for a folk duo called, like, the--
The Two Nuts.
[folksy guitar music]
♪ ♪
But, Montasser, your goal is to become more Austrian
so that you will get citizenship more quickly?
- That is my goal.
- The most Austrian thing I could think of is yodeling.
- Mm-hmm.
- Would you like to learn to yodel?
- I would like to learn.
- Marie, Laurentius, you are yodelers, yes?
- Yes.
- If I couldn't yodel, I would not be an Austrian.
- Yeah. Okay, yes. - Right?
And I guess when he's yodeling better than the president,
then he should be an Austrian for sure.
- Okay.
I'll do the talking from now on
'cause what you just said was crazy.
I don't even know what happened right there.
Does this attach to anything?
- Yeah, it's my little clock.
This shows perfectly when it's time.
- It's an Austrian clock.
- Oh, I see.
So you carry alcohol with you all the time?
- To measure the time.
- Do you have a problem?
- Austrians just have a problem if they're drinking alone,
but we are not alone. - I see.
Sure. Sure.
You're fine. - [laughs]
- Montasser, what do you think?
Do you think he has a problem with the drinking?
- I have alcohol with me as well.
- Okay.
Are you wearing leather pants?
- Yeah. - Okay. Wow.
You're like if Jim Morrison had a baby with a leprechaun.
This is what you look like right now.
And that's a-- that's a compliment.
We need to teach this gentleman how to yodel,
and we don't have a lot of time.
- First, we have to develop our head voice.
[yodels high-pitched melody]
- Can you do that?
- [repeats melody] - Yeah.
- [repeats melody]
- Yeah, that sounds good. - Oh, you're naturals.
- Okay, now the chest voice.
[yodels deep melody]
- [repeats melody] - [repeats melody]
- [yodels melody] - [repeats melody]
- Yeah! That was very nice.
- [repeats melody] - Wow.
[yodeling]
[all yodeling]
- Hello, sir. - Hello, sir.
- What is your name? - I'm Daniel. Hello.
- Daniel. And who is this? - This is Otto.
- Otto.
Are you gonna teach him to yodel?
- Of course, he's Austrian.
- [yodeling]
So is the idea that you do that up in the Alps,
in the mountains?
- More often at the bar.
- You're doing this in a bar?
[all yodeling]
[soft folksy music playing]
♪ ♪
[applause]
- [singing in German]
[bright folksy music]
♪ ♪
[dramatic orchestral music]
- Of course, I have one staff member who claims to be
an expert on every country.
We all know who you are. Get in here.
There's no big surprise. - Okay.
- You know?
Here you are. - Right.
- Jordan Schlansky.
And what is it about Austria you love so much?
- Well, first of all, I don't pretend to be an expert,
but I enjoy the country...
- I'm just gonna gesture as much as you do.
And that's not mocking you, that's just mirroring you.
Go ahead.
- This is a human way of communicating, okay?
This is articulation and gesticulation.
Okay? - Yeah.
- I might even call it punctuation.
- Or masturbation.
Do me a favor and get to the point.
- I like the diversity-- the topographical
diversity of the country. - Like what?
Just say it in English.
- Well, you've got your Alpine peaks,
you've got your fields of green,
and you've got your cosmopolitan
and classical cities such as this one.
- Fields of green.
- Yeah, we frolic through fields of green.
- When have you ever frolicked in a field?
- I've frolicked through fields on many continents.
There's nothing wrong with frolicking through fields
if they're available to you.
- What about the food? You're a big foodie.
- Yeah, well, I love a wiener schnitzel, of course,
the national dish of-- - That's what I hear.
- Oh, you're making a reference to the wiener.
So you've got Wien, the city,
and something from Wien is Wiener.
And you've got Wiener Wurst, the Viennese sausage,
which might resemble a penis to some.
Therefore, people have nicknamed a penis a wiener.
And it all started right here.
- Right here on this--
this is where it started? - Yeah, this is the land.
- Someone whipped it out right here?
We're here at the original Weiner Schneekugelmanufaktur.
They make snow globes here.
This, I'm told, is where the snow globe was invented.
Is that true?
- My great-grandfather invented the snow globe
here in Vienna in 1900. - Wow.
Well, can you show me your snow globe museum, please?
- Of course.
- And these are the tools you use to make the snow globes?
- Many, many years ago, yeah.
- Who is this guy right here?
- That's my father. - This is your father?
- Yes. - Have they captured him yet?
- [laughs] No.
- He made snow globes? - Yes.
- Okay.
- I'm the fourth generation, actually, and so, yeah.
- You're the fourth generation making snow globes?
- Mm-hmm.
First woman in the family business, actually.
- You broke the glass globe ceiling.
- Yeah. - Congratulations.
- Thank you very much.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Guten tag.
Wow, look at all these snow globes.
When you come to a snow globe museum,
you think you'll see some snow globes, right?
But do you think you're gonna see this many?
Kinda, yeah.
Yeah.
- Owls, frogs, teddies.
- What is this?
Toilet paper.
- This was the special snow globe for the COVID.
- How many orders did you get?
- More than 5,000.
- More than 5,000 people... - Yeah.
- Now, pardon me, I don't mean any insult--
wanted this piece of shit? - Yeah.
I'm very proud of this one.
- My God, I just saw these.
Look at this!
This is impressive.
Not to say the other stuff wasn't impressive,
and it wasn't, but this is amazing.
So your father made this? - Yes.
- And you made the... - The toilet paper.
- Stack of toilet paper? - Yeah.
- Ah! What's this?
Who's this?
- Yeah, that's my father.
- What?
[laughter]
That's your father? - Yeah.
- So this is your dad being a creep, looking out a window.
- Exactly.
- Now, quick question, is this how he would peer on you
when you would have a date?
Let's say that I'm Heinrich, okay?
- Okay, yeah. - And you have a date with me.
And let's say you and I are just about to kiss.
How do you say that in in your language?
Kussen. - Kussen.
And I'm going like, "Mm, kussen, kussen."
- Yeah.
- And then, suddenly...
[in German accent] Hey! I see you.
None of the kussen-kussen!
No kussen-kussen!
Is that how he was?
- No, actually not.
He told me just to fuck around as many--
- Told you to what? - To...
[laughing] Fuck around as much as I can
as long as I'm not married.
- Your father's advice to you...
- Yeah.
- Was to fuck around as much as you can...
- Yeah. - Before you get married.
- Mm-hmm. Have a good time.
[laughs]
- That's very forward-thinking of him.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
So this is him actually hoping to see a little action, right?
- Yeah. - Are you going to fuck around?
Is a little fucking going to happen?
I would like to peer through the window.
- Take some pictures maybe as well.
- Jesus.
[laughter]
And then I turn it into an X-rated snow globe
of the fucking.
What's the most valuable or unusual
snow globe you have here?
Could you show me that?
- Oh, my God, look at this.
This is amazing.
You did a beautiful job with this.
- Thank you very much.
Well, we could maybe fit a small toilet paper
inside as well.
- We don't need to put your signature toilet paper in here.
I'm very impressed with your museum.
- Thank you very much.
- I'm not very impressed, I'm impressed...
- Okay. - With your museum.
- Yeah. - Impressed.
I'm happy that you have this museum.
This is a museum. - Yeah.
- How about that? We'll just leave it at that.
- Okay.
- This is a building that stores snow globes.
- Yeah.
- But I like you. You're really fun.
- Let's dance out. - You wanna dance out?
- Yeah. - Okay.
[bright Austrian folk music]
I like this.
Is this an Austrian kind of dance?
- Yes, I think so.
- Okay, very strange.
♪ ♪
Okay, here's the deal.
We just drove for an hour and a half up high
into the Alps... - Right.
- Because you said you wanted to have
this ultimate ski experience.
And then you tell me that you don't ski.
- Yeah, I don't actually ski, but I do enjoy the ski culture.
- I look like a Serbian astronaut.
You look like Jackson Pollock ate a bunch of Starbursts
and then vomited on an asshole who was standing nearby.
But you don't ski.
- I had an incident in British Columbia.
- Well, we've all done that.
What was yours?
- There was an injury to the ACL.
- Why is it "there was an injury to an ACL"?
- Well, it's understood that it's mine
because I'm talking about me. - Okay.
- You see, I don't like to be redundant.
I'm just telling you I don't propel my body
at high rates of gravitational travel.
That's all.
But I enjoy the culture around it.
I enjoy the hot chocolate after.
I enjoy the melting cheese.
I enjoy the wine.
I enjoy coziness.
You have to experience discomfort
to appreciate comfort.
- Oh, there's a very young child skiing.
There's another young person skiing.
- I was a deep thinker as a child.
I didn't need to move my body.
- Let's have a new rule, okay?
When I have an open palm, you may speak.
Okay? You'll never see this again.
- Okay.
- Do you do this every day?
Maybe you wouldn't have an injury.
- No. I had an injury.
I don't have an injury now because I don't ski anymore.
I don't need to ski.
I get my thrills in other ways--
sitting in a corner thinking about things.
- You get your thrills sitting in a corner?
- Yeah.
- Do me a favor and do not move these.
- Okay, I can't see a thing right now.
- Well, let me tell you something, friend.
I just want you to know... - Yes.
- That I value you. - Okay.
- You're a good friend and I'm glad we came up here.
And I don't mind that I rented us skis and ski outfits.
- Okay.
- That doesn't bother me at all.
How's the vision?
- I can't see a thing. - Perfect.
[soft polka music]
We are here for après-ski, only he doesn't ski.
- That's fine. - It's not fine.
It's bad. [laughter]
Oh, hi, how are you? - Welcome.
- Nice to see you, a fellow redhead.
- Nice to see you too.
- Yes. - Nice hair.
- Prost. - Prost.
- Après-ski.
Mmm.
- I know sometimes you might find me frustrating,
but I think through the lessons that you learn
through these shared experiences,
you'll start to value my place in your life.
Like I say, I enjoy things that communicate
warmth and coziness.
I don't need external activity to turn myself on.
I'm able to turn myself on within the confines
of my own mind.
Are you familiar with raclette, the Swiss cheese that
will melt over-- sometimes even an open flame
right into your bread?
- You know what's funny?
I really envy that table.
[all chanting in German]
[laughter]
- You guys are the best!
[laughter]
Best guys ever.
♪ ♪
- My name is Katherina.
I am calling from Austria, from Feldkirch.
- Tell us a little bit about yourself.
- I work as a psychologist.
I like to make metal music.
- Oh, my God. Okay.
- Cringe Blizzard is slush metal, but also death metal,
but also thrash metal, but also whatever.
- Is it a lot of yelling?
- Yeah.
- Do you think I could be maybe a guest vocalist
for Cringe Blizzard?
- Fucking hell yeah.
[laughter] - Do you think so?
You used to watch the television show
back when I was doing a TV show.
Is that correct?
- Oh, yeah, I was actually featured
on a fan correction video.
When I sent in the fan correction,
it said that people who get featured on the show
will get the Team Coco T-shirt, and I never received one.
- We'll find you a T-shirt,
and I will get it to you somehow, okay?
Because I wanna right this wrong.
You should get your T-shirt.
[jaunty polka music]
♪ ♪
- Katherina. Hi!
Come on out. Come on out. - [laughing]
- Hi! Hi!
How are you?
Oh, look at this. What's the--what's--
- That's David Hasselhoff. - Is this David Hasselhoff?
- Yeah.
- That's right, he's very big in Germany and Austria, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And AI Conan, of course, as well.
- Oh, look at this.
You really are a fan.
And to be up on the same wall with Hasselhoff,
terrible honor-- I mean, a great honor.
What's happening here?
This looks like it could be a satanic flag.
- That's good. It gives good energy, right?
- Good energy? No.
Do you mind that I'm touching your ceiling?
- No, it's fine.
You could also, like, get rid of some of the spider webs
if you're at it. - I'll do that later.
I like to eat-- - [burps]
- What the heck was that? - [laughs]
- That was the loudest burp I've heard from man or woman
in my life.
Let's hear that again.
I'll do that later. I like-- - [burps]
- I would love to meet your husband if he's around.
- Yeah, sure. - Hey, how are you?
- Hi, I'm Chris.
- Chris, good to meet you.
Let's talk about the band you're in.
- Cringe Blizzard. - Cringe Blizzard.
- Mm-hmm. - Are you in Cringe Blizzard?
- No, I'm the manager.
- You're the manager? Oh, I can tell.
You've got your arms folded and you're not doing much.
- [laughs]
- Oh, we got a music room in here.
[playing chaotic rhythm]
I could do this all day.
In fact, I think I will.
[playing energetic rhythm]
How many gigs do you play, like, in a month?
- Tonight is our second gig.
- Of all time? - Of all time.
[drumsticks clatter]
- Check this out.
"Secret plan to become Conan's BFF.
"Meet through 'Conan O'Brien Must Go,'
which is happening now." - Exactly.
- So we can check that one off. - Perfect.
- "Meet on skiing trips in 'Shtaad.'"
I don't know if we're gonna be able to--
- Gstaad. - What's that?
- Gstaad. - What did I say?
- "Shtaad." - And what did you say?
- Gstaad. - And now what did I say?
- "Shtaad." - What did you say?
- Gstaad. - It's the same thing!
- It's not. - It is, "Shtaad."
- Gstaad. - Sh-sh-sh-guh-shtaad.
- Guh-guh-guh-guh. Gstaad.
- You barely hear the G. You're like, there's a G there,
but you don't pronounce it. - You do.
- Gstaad. - Yeah.
- Guh-staad. - No, not "guh." Guh.
- You're saying say a G. Guh-staad.
- It's Gstaad.
- How do you say good night?
I say "ood" night.
- [laughs]
- What do you say when someone sneezes?
- Fuck you.
[laughter]
- It's incredible. You stand on this chair.
Look at the view you have that you don't even see.
Look at that!
That is the feature of this house.
Why? Why don't you cut this down?
- I like my privacy.
- Well, what are you doing here that needs privacy?
All you're doing is worshipping Satan and--
- [giggles]
- Oh.
I'm a little musical. I just wrote a song about you.
Would you like to hear it? - Of course.
- It may not be your style.
- That's fine.
- But it's close to heavy metal.
- Okay.
[gentle guitar music]
- ♪ Katherina has a real cool band ♪
♪ But they've only played two gigs in all the land ♪
♪ I think calling herself a musician is a scam ♪
♪ Katherina ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Katherina, she burps all the time ♪
♪ It sounds just like a land mine ♪
♪ I get frightened when Katherina burps ♪
♪ She's Katherina ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Katherina gets mad when I say "Shtaad" ♪
♪ She says that instead I should call it "Shtaad" ♪
♪ I don't hear the fucking difference ♪
- It's Gstaad. - Gstaad.
- Gstaad.
- Yeah. - Gstaad.
- All close.
[soft polka music]
[screaming]
[energetic heavy metal music]
♪ ♪
- Katherina!
[cheers and applause]
Right now, I'd like to keep a promise to you, Katherina.
Many years ago, she did a contest on our show
and I promised her a T-shirt.
Katherina!
Come on!
♪ Feldkirch ♪
♪ I've seen much worse ♪
♪ The people here are fine ♪
♪ It looks like Liechtenstein ♪
♪ Feldkirch ♪
[both screaming]
♪ ♪
♪ It could be much worse ♪
- [screaming]
[burp]
[gentle folksy music]
- Hey, quick fun fact--
the symbol of Austria is an eagle with a migraine.
The other symbol of Austria--
the lion vaping.
They were way ahead of the curve.
Hey, quick question. - Yeah?
- Who gave you the scarf, Groot?
Groot called and he wants his scarf back.
- It's actually Gru.
- I said Gru. - I thought you said Groot.
- No, I said Gru.
- What is the fascination with Gru?
I don't understand. - I'm doing reference--
- I'm wearing a scarf 'cause we're in the mountains.
- This is what comedians do. They walk around.
- How do you associate this with Gru?
Does he wear a scarf? - He wears a scarf...
- Okay. - A dark scarf.
- But certainly, other people wear scarves.
That guy over there is wearing a scarf.
- Okay, look.
Gru has a-- has some stripes in his.
But the fact that you're just wearing a scarf,
I think, gets-- - That's enough.
- It gets me 40% of the way there.
- Half the time you call him Gru,
and half the time you call him Groot.
- I don't know. It depends on how we edit it.
And I'm usually the one that stops by editing
and figures things out in my favor.
Groot called and he wants his scarf back.
Who gave you the scarf, Groot?
Did Groot sell you this scarf?
Who gave you the scarf, Groot?
It turns out Feldkirch was just a short walk
to the Austrian border, and I couldn't resist getting
another stamp on my passport.
Hey, check this out.
Austria borders a tiny little country called Liechtenstein.
It is the sixth smallest country in the world.
It's right there.
My deal with Max is that they pay me per country.
[giggles] You see where I'm going with this?
- Earth.
Blah, blah, blah, defiler.
Blah, blah, blah, Liechtenstein.
[energetic polka music]
♪ ♪
- Liechtenstein!
[laughs]
♪ ♪
That was Liechtenstein.
Pay up, Max.
[cash register dings]
♪ ♪
Don't scowl at me.
[mellow polka music]
- This is deranged.
[jaunty polka music]
♪ ♪
- I gotta tell you, Jordan, what I love about Austria,
or as you call it...
- Oesterreich. - Oesterreich,
is that every single building just looks
old and cool and amazing.
Did you know that this is a Popeyes fried chicken?
Did you know what this is right here?
- What's that? - That's a Waffle House!
- A "vaffle" house? - It's gorgeous.
Do you know what this is right here?
- What's that? - It's a Lens Crafter.
Do you know what that is right there?
- What's that? - That's a Chipotle.
I was there half an hour ago, and I got myself a chimichanga.
And by the way, Gru called and wants his fucking scarf back.
Clearly, the combination of jet lag and Jordan
was putting a strain on my mental health.
Luckily, I was in the birthplace of psychotherapy.
I'm at the Freud Museum.
This is the actual office where Freud practiced psychoanalysis.
He was here from 1891 to, I believe, 1938.
And this is Peter. Is that right, Peter?
- Yeah. - It's very nice to see you.
- Nice to see you, Conan.
- This is the actual couch that his patients
lay on as he analyzed them.
Is that true?
- That's incorrect.
This is the couch where the people were waiting.
The actual couch is in London.
[laughter]
- I was under the impression that, to come here today
and to visit the museum, I needed to be dressed as Freud.
Is that correct?
- It's not necessary, but it's very nice to do so.
[laughter]
- Have you been in analysis?
- No, I have not.
- [in German accent] What is your name, please?
- Helmut is my name.
- Helmut.
And tell me, Helmut...
do you hate your father?
- My father is a very respectable person.
- Do you wish to kill your father and marry your mother?
- I do not think so.
- I am not asking you what you think.
Do you wish to kill your father?
If so, I know a guy who'll do it real cheap.
He's very good.
He'll make it look like a bicycle accident.
Have you had any disturbing dreams recently, Helmut?
- There is something like a motorized vehicle driving
in and out of a tunnel.
- Like an automobile?
- Yes, correct.
- Is the automobile shaped like your father's penis?
- I do not know the looks of my father's penis.
- Have you ever walked in on your father when he's stepping
out of the shower and said,
"Father, your scheidenhouser's out?"
- No, I never did that.
- When the automobile goes into the tunnel, does it says,
"Here comes Daddy"?
[laughter]
I'd like to go through the five stages
of psychosexual development.
The oral stage.
Then there's the anal stage.
This is where you're putting food in your bottom
while you're having sex, usually a goulash.
Then there's the phallic stage.
- Is eating cucumbers and carrots a symbol
for the phallic stage?
- Do you just eat the carrot and the cucumber?
- Yes.
- But first you lick it for a long time
and then push it in and out of your mouth repeatedly.
And then do you realize it's a penis
and that you're in an alley with a guy named Ongee?
- I never experienced that.
- You have not? - No.
- Well, I have.
Ongee, call me if you see this.
I had a good time.
I'd like to see you again.
Freud famously didn't say much.
He just let the patients talk.
My take on Freud is that he talked a lot
and just did a lot of bits and said silly things
that might play well on HBO Max.
Or just Max, as they like to call it now.
Because for some reason, they decided HBO
was too prestigious a name.
By the way, this is just a tape-on, not a glue-on beard.
'Cause I've done so many travel shows,
I didn't wanna put on a fucking glue-on beard.
I just hosted the Oscars and you want me
to glue a beard on like I'm in a high school production
of "12 Angry Men?"
They just keep pushing and pushing and pushing.
But what about me? I just go and go and go and go.
I'm like an old mule.
My concern is that, in our business,
they tend to age people out, especially in comedy.
Now it's all about Nate Bargatze.
Oh, Nate Bargatze, did you see him on "SNL"?
He's so funny.
And so here I am, dressed as Freud,
doing this travel show thing again.
I haven't seen my wife in months.
My children hate me.
And then I look at the other travel shows.
Eva Longoria, she just goes to Mexico City.
And oh, look at me.
I'm all dressed up and I'm all pretty and look at me.
Oh, I just ate some delicious food and I had a glass of wine.
That was delicious. And cut.
Go back to your hotel room.
It's a five-star, Eva Longoria.
Or Stanley Tucci, what the fuck?
He just tastes things and says, "This is delicious,"
and they go, "Oh, you like it?"
And "Oh, boy, I feel like there's an explosion
of joy in my mouth."
And cut.
Go back to your hotel room, Stanley Tucci, we got it.
Hey, what's Conan doing?
Well, he's got a glue-on beard, he's dressed as Freud,
and he's doing a whole bit.
He's getting old.
In ten minutes, we're gonna put him on a trapeze.
He's gonna fall and break his hip,
and then we're gonna say,
"Now it's time for you to go to Guam.
"Hurry, Conan.
"We're not gonna pay you the old rates
"'cause it's streaming now.
"We don't have that kind of money anymore.
You're just gonna get what you get."
And then it comes out and someone says,
"I saw it on an airplane. It was pretty funny."
And I'm like, "Pretty funny? I broke my hip."
They push me and push me,
and Jeff Ross is in the background chewing gum
and saying it looks pretty good.
And he shrugs and says, "I don't know.
I don't eat bread these days."
And I'm like, well, what the fuck?
So you don't eat bread?
Is that something we're gonna talk about now?
We're gonna die soon and we're talking
about not eating bread?
And the writers, they don't care.
You know, I just say shit that comes out of my head
and then written by those guys.
Oh, wow.
That sounds great.
Emmys for everybody.
- Dr. Freud, I'm sorry, I think your session is over.
[air hissing]
- So same time next week?
[somber music]
♪ ♪
Here's another symbol of Austria--
Zeus leaving a strip club at 4:00 in the morning.
Oh, I can't find my pants.
Jordan, remember earlier when I was doing that kind of riff
about you being Gru?
- Yes, I did.
- Well, I got a little present for you right here.
Yeah. Yeah. Look at that.
Perfect.
Hey, Austria, check it out.
It's Gru.
Hey, you don't like the scarf?
Don't worry. It'll Gru on you.
[laughs]
We got Gru over here, and I'm a minion.
Bleep. Bleep. Blurp. Blurp.
- No one's with you.
- Hi. Where are you from?
- I'm from Kazakhstan. - You're from Kazakhstan?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Have you seen "Despicable Me"?
- No. - Okay, well, guess what?
There's a guy in it, and his name is Gru.
- I guess it's you.
- Yes! Yes!
- Actually, Kazakhstan loves you.
- Kazakhstan loves me? - Yeah, very much.
- I should go to Kazakhstan. - Yes.
- You know who should I bring with me?
Gru. - Gru.
- I should bring Gru with me.
- Okay, it was so nice to meet you.
- Yeah, when a fan is cutting it off...
- Bye-bye.
- You know that I've gone too far.
[laughter]
- Please don't.
- I think I'm losing my mind. - Sure.
[choral singing]
- The Vienna Boys Choir,
just known throughout the world,
a 525-year tradition.
These are three members of the Vienna Boys Choir?
- Yes.
- These are the hats that you wear.
- Yes. - Can you put the hats on?
Can I see them with the hats?
It looks like you three would have a tiny submarine together.
What does it say up on top there?
- Wiener Sangerknaben.
- Which is? - Vienna Boys Choir.
- Right.
Do you all live in bunk beds, you know,
one bed on top of another?
- Well, there's one bunk bed. Yes.
- One bunk bed with like-- that's 100 feet high?
And the top kids sometimes rolls over
and falls to his death?
- There's nothing you can do about it.
- Yeah.
Hey, every now and then you lose a kid.
That's what happens, right?
- Yes.
- You ever hear him just go by--
[screams]
And you're like, he's a little off pitch.
Oh, wow. - Hey.
- Look at this. - Yeah.
- They all stood up. Thank you.
[choral singing]
♪ ♪
[singing mock German] - Very nice.
♪ ♪
- [singing mock German]
♪ ♪
[singing high-pitched mock German]
♪ ♪
How am I supposed to do this if you're laughing?
I am now your conductor, okay?
Everything I do, you keep your eye on me, okay?
Stare right into these eyes.
Never lose concentration.
Do you understand? Good.
Go to the bank.
Rob the bank.
Give me the money.
Yes, my perfect robot.
[choir sings note]
[choir sings three notes]
[choral singing]
♪ ♪
choir: ♪ Bom, bom, ding, ding ♪ [triangle dings]
♪ Bom, bom, ding, ding ♪ [triangle dings]
[choral singing]
♪ ♪
[singing stops]
- [speaking German]
[applause]
[choral singing]
[Conan singing along in high-pitched tone]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- [speaking German]
- Despite its cold climate, I found the people of Austria
to be warm, funny,
and most of all, hygienic.
And I've never been to a country
that was more tolerant of my singing.
[yodels]
[screams]
[singing out-of-tune notes]
Thank you, Austria.
You gave me so much.
It's only fair I give you something in return.
[Beethoven's Symphony No. 9]
♪ ♪
- [in German accent] The id is the primitive urges.
Those are the urges for the food and the sex,
things that the caveman would be interested in.
The ego, or the Eggo, is a waffle.
It can be reheated.
It is frozen but can be reheated.
It's popular for the children in the morning
when they're trying to get to school.
The super-Eggo is a more expensive Eggo.
It is an Eggo that has a buttermilk mixture in it
and it is used with the syrup.
It costs a little more, but if you love your children,
it's worth it.
[bright classical music]
♪ ♪