1 00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:09,175 Earth. 2 00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:12,512 A cradle for unimaginable beauty 3 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,932 and staggering wonder. 4 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:19,602 Incomprehensible, overwhelming, 5 00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:22,939 this planet mocks our feeble power 6 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,941 to describe it. 7 00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:27,944 Yes, to truly appreciate 8 00:00:27,945 --> 00:00:31,447 the astounding grandeur of this planet, 9 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:35,243 sometimes you must defile it. 10 00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:38,621 Behold the defiler. 11 00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:40,873 His character is vile, 12 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:43,752 base, and depraved. 13 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,963 Once a proud talk-show host, 14 00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:50,633 he has been driven by a changing ecosystem 15 00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:53,928 to a drier and harsher climate-- 16 00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:56,556 the weekly podcast. 17 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:59,809 Here, without the nourishment 18 00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:02,228 of his studio audience, 19 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:06,524 this clown with dull, tiny eyes, 20 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:09,902 the eyes of a crudely painted doll, 21 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:13,698 is forced to feed on that meagerest of morsels-- 22 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:16,826 the random call-in fan. 23 00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:19,745 Unhinged by the feral scent 24 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,290 of their mild enthusiasm, 25 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:26,586 he scavenges in distant lands uninvited, 26 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:30,381 fueled by a bottomless hunger for recognition 27 00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:32,759 and the occasional selfie. 28 00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:42,185 This is madness. 29 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:45,147 This is lunacy. 30 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,524 This is chaos. 31 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:55,032 This is "Conan O'Brien Must Go." 32 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:03,205 Amsterdam is one of the most beautiful cities in Europe. 33 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:07,209 On the day I landed, the locals were all wearing orange. 34 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:11,547 But I was shocked to learn it wasn't to celebrate my arrival. 35 00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,841 This is Beau. Beau, tell me-- 36 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:15,885 Everyone's wearing orange. What's going on? 37 00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:17,386 It's the king's birthday. 38 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:18,846 King's birthday, and it's called King's Day. 39 00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,139 It's called King's Day, yeah. 40 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,932 And we wear orange because those are the colors 41 00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:23,851 - of the Netherlands. - Of the Netherlands, yeah. 42 00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:25,728 Yeah, okay. And how do people celebrate today? 43 00:02:25,729 --> 00:02:27,647 The plan is they drink a lot... 44 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:28,856 - first of all. - Drink a lot, okay. 45 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:30,983 And they sell stuff. 46 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:33,569 So everything that's in your basement or anything, 47 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,446 just put it out on the street and sell it. 48 00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,448 And that's how you celebrate the king, is you take 49 00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:39,241 - all the shit in your house... - Yeah, yeah. 50 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,160 And you just throw it on the sidewalk and sell it? 51 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,703 - Yeah. - Everywhere you go, bikes. 52 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:45,164 Bikes everywhere, I've always known that about Amsterdam. 53 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,707 It's more bikes than people, actually. 54 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,125 - Really? - Yeah. 55 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,670 - And there are a lot in the canals. - They throw bikes into the canal? 56 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:51,754 Yeah. 57 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,881 Have you ever seen people throw boats into the bike lane? 58 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,466 - No. Never. - No? 59 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:58,469 What a great national sport here. People toss bikes into the canal. 60 00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,471 Do you think that will be an Olympic sport one day? 61 00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:01,722 - It can be, yeah. - Okay. 62 00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:04,684 You're just very agreeable. You say yes to everything. I love that. 63 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,185 Will you marry me? 64 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,478 No. 65 00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:09,063 - Wow, that was quick. - Yeah. 66 00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:11,899 - So everyone just sells stuff? - Yeah. 67 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:14,485 - And it could be anything. - It could be anything. 68 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:16,696 - You know? Look at this. Look. - Sometimes it's like small treasures. 69 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,155 Look at this. A "Married... with"-- 70 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,032 This is a small treasure? 71 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,826 You have a lot of these "Married... with Childrens." 72 00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:24,954 - Have you watched all of these? - It's fun to have it, not to watch it. 73 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:26,706 Oh, you don't even watch these. 74 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,791 - You just like to have them? - I think so. 75 00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:30,084 - Yeah. - Yeah. 76 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,712 Very beautiful, the things you have. 77 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:34,130 I mean... 78 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,256 not really. 79 00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:36,757 Happy King's Day. 80 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,217 I know you're a big supporter of the king. 81 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,302 Thank you. 82 00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:42,555 It's me as a child. 83 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,306 Hi, time-traveling Conan, how are you? 84 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:46,142 - Good. - Yeah. Good, yeah. 85 00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:49,311 - What'd you buy? - Look at this funny thing. 86 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,730 It's like a car. 87 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,314 What are you gonna do with this? 88 00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:54,150 - I'm not sure yet. - Yeah, yeah. 89 00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:56,068 Okay, well, you've clearly had a nervous breakdown. 90 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,361 Yeah. 91 00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:58,738 Look. Look what he got. 92 00:03:58,739 --> 00:03:59,948 Isn't that great? 93 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,950 - There we go. - This is a crap-sniffing dog. 94 00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:04,493 - What is your name? - Nikita. 95 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,412 What's your deal, Nikita? What you all about? 96 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:09,582 I don't know. I'm just here with my friends looking for stuff. 97 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,167 - No drinking today, okay? - Of course. 98 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:12,960 - You don't drink yet, do you? - No, no, no. 99 00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:15,171 - Did you ever have a drink? - Accidentally, yes. 100 00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,547 "Accidentally"? 101 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:20,259 Some Serbian alcohol was in a Coca-Cola bottle. 102 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,303 Oh, I hate it when that happens. 103 00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:24,346 Okay, guys, I just bought you these. 104 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:26,557 It's a whole bunch of "Married... With Children" episodes. 105 00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:30,519 About 15 years before you were born, this was a big thing, okay? 106 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,229 These are all for you. 107 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,356 - Do you have a DVD player? - No. 108 00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:36,734 Then throw these in the canal immediately. 109 00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:38,360 - Hey, man, what's your name? - Storm. 110 00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:39,904 - Where are you from, Storm? - Netherlands. 111 00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,197 Netherlands. 112 00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:43,574 Is this how you dress all year long or just today? 113 00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:44,658 Just today. 114 00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,368 And you're a forensic accountant? 115 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:47,787 - What? - Nothing. 116 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,039 This is, like, where you go to buy all the good stuff. 117 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,499 Be honest. Mostly what I've seen is crap. 118 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,292 Look at this. I got this mask. 119 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,543 - You got what? - This mask. 120 00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:55,836 Oh, you just bought this mask? Okay. 121 00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:59,715 And we got the "Mona Lisa," a great classic piece of art. 122 00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:02,218 You know this isn't the real "Mona Lisa," don't you? 123 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:03,677 Oh, really? 124 00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,179 - Wait, you bought this? - Yeah. 125 00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,306 And what are you gonna do with this? Be honest. 126 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,683 Transform the energy in some kind of freaky way. 127 00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,185 That's what the guy told me. 128 00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,187 Hey, I can't believe you got this incredible haul. 129 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:14,605 You got this thing. 130 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,607 - You got the "Mona Lisa" puzzle. - Yeah. 131 00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:18,818 You got some bubble wrap and a wolf mask. 132 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,277 - And this. - And then this guy. 133 00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:23,030 - Oh, wow. You are cleaning up. - Yeah. 134 00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:24,824 - Where are you from originally? - Texas. 135 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,034 Oh, wow. 136 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,830 And, gee, why didn't you fit in in Texas? 137 00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:34,834 So, when you showed up with him and said, this is the man I want to marry, 138 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,086 your parents from the Netherlands said...? 139 00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:39,380 Yeah, are you sure? It's an artist. I mean... 140 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:40,756 - Yeah. - Yeah. 141 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:43,425 Hey, but, look, he turned out to be a really reasonable guy. 142 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:45,219 Yeah, I got good deals on this. 143 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,763 Where's your orange? 144 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,017 I was already starting to feel at home in Amsterdam. 145 00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,185 All right, have a nice day. 146 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,728 - Enjoy King's Day. - You too. All right. 147 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,438 I just needed one more accessory. 148 00:05:56,439 --> 00:06:00,442 The best way to see Amsterdam is on a bike, and not just any bike. 149 00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:03,153 You want to find a black bicycle 150 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:06,699 that a 110-year-old woman would ride. 151 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,952 Bikes here aren't that sexy, but they get the job done. 152 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:12,080 - Do you mind if I take a selfie? - Not at all. 153 00:06:12,664 --> 00:06:13,747 Hi, there. 154 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:15,416 Let's take a selfie, and go. 155 00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,085 Hey, nice to meet you, man. 156 00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:20,004 There's nothing more romantic than riding 157 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:23,674 along the canals in Amsterdam by yourself, 158 00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:25,885 talking into a camera. 159 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,137 To me, that's the height of romance. 160 00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,471 - Hello. - Hello. 161 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,098 - How are you? - Fine. How are you? 162 00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:33,475 - You are the best-looking couple. - Thank you. 163 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:35,769 - Yeah, you're like supermodels. - Thank you. 164 00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:39,148 When you get married, promise me it will be both of you 165 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:40,357 - on one bicycle. - We will. 166 00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,902 Congratulations on being so freakin' good-looking. 167 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,570 - Thank you. - Enjoy your lives. 168 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:45,654 - You too. - Thank you. 169 00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:46,906 Bye-bye. 170 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,116 Amsterdam is full of beautiful people. 171 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,494 And one of them is even a fan of mine. 172 00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:57,124 Hey, Conan, it's Maaike, and I'm calling from Amsterdam, the Netherlands. 173 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,710 - Hi, Maaike. How are you? - I'm very good. How are you? 174 00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,879 Thank you for pronouncing my name correctly. Wow. 175 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,547 You seem like a lovely person. 176 00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,007 Tell me what you do. 177 00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:07,509 I work as a high-fashion model. 178 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:08,761 Oh, my God. 179 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,680 Are you tall? Many models have to be a certain height. 180 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:13,849 I'm 6 feet. How tall are you? 181 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,643 Oh, my Lord. I'm 6'4". 182 00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:18,146 But if I've got gel in the hair, I'm 6'7", 6'8". 183 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:20,773 I know that I'm a little long in the tooth. 184 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,358 I'm an older gentleman. 185 00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,944 But do you think I could be a model? 186 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,154 - Do you think I have what it takes? - I think yes. 187 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,156 And you've compared yourself to Tilda Swinton, 188 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:33,535 which I think is the most gorgeous human on this world. 189 00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:35,162 I'm considered a god in Finland. 190 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:38,207 Did you know that? Finland, the Finns love me. 191 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:39,960 Great. Yeah. 192 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,714 Wow. 193 00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:48,175 Maaike, I really like talking to you. 194 00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:50,511 You're very funny, and you're very cool. 195 00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:51,513 You take care. 196 00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:58,769 - Maaike? - Conan? 197 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,396 - Yeah. How are you? - I'm very good. 198 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:02,272 - How are you doing? - Thanks for meeting me. 199 00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:03,983 - How are you? Nice to see you. - Great to see you. I'm good. 200 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:06,986 I'd like to learn a little bit about being a fashion model, 201 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,238 - if that's possible. - I can help you with that. 202 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,906 - Meeting me just now... - Yeah. 203 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:13,076 Any immediate thoughts? Anything surprise you? 204 00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:16,788 I want to say something about your hair, but I'm not sure what. 205 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:18,790 It's quite like... 206 00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:21,000 - ...jumpy. - "Jumpy"? 207 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,084 - Yeah. - Yeah. 208 00:08:22,085 --> 00:08:24,211 - It'll calm down, get relaxed. - That's what I was thinking. 209 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:26,088 When I first meet women, it gets very high. 210 00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:28,257 - Yeah, okay. Oh, okay. - And then it settles down. 211 00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,092 - This is it, right here, huh? - This is it. 212 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:31,760 How old were you when you started modeling? 213 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,470 - 13. - 13. 214 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:35,764 A lot of people when they're 13 are self-conscious. 215 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:36,849 Yeah. 216 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:41,812 If you can believe it, when I was 13, I felt unattractive and weird. 217 00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:42,814 Yeah. 218 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,276 If you can believe it. 219 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,989 That's crazy, man. 220 00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:55,993 - This is you with very short hair. - Yeah. 221 00:08:55,994 --> 00:09:00,831 This look looks like you just married Beelzebub in hell-- 222 00:09:00,832 --> 00:09:02,624 very "Edward Scissorhands." 223 00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:05,461 - I like it. An editorial. - Oh, my God, look at you. 224 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,421 - You look very fierce there. - Yeah. 225 00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:10,841 I do think there's a lot of performance involved. 226 00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:13,594 And that might be where I have a leg up, because I am a performer. 227 00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:15,095 You are a performer, after all. 228 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,598 - And I am a shapeshifter. - Yeah. 229 00:09:17,599 --> 00:09:20,976 I can be an uptight nerd or a highly strung nerd. 230 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:23,854 - Yeah. - I can be a really anxious nerd. 231 00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:27,316 - Yeah. - I can be sort of a creepy nerd. 232 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:29,277 - Yeah. - What do you think I could do? 233 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,279 Like, hand model or something. 234 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,074 What are you talking about? That's not a good hand. 235 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:39,578 For a medical something, like a device, a cream. 236 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:43,082 Oh, you look at these hands and say, oh, you could sell some kind of cream 237 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,792 that cures scabies? 238 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:45,876 I'm sorry. 239 00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:48,337 I told you before, we're gonna make this work. 240 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:52,842 Your face and your shoulders should remain relaxed. 241 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,177 That was good. 242 00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:57,304 Your face was great. Your arms were a bit weird. 243 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:58,472 - Can I imitate? - Yeah. 244 00:09:58,473 --> 00:09:59,556 Okay. 245 00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:03,393 I'm going for robot that's been sent from the future 246 00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:07,147 to destroy someone in the past so that the future is altered. 247 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:09,858 - That's what I was going for. - Okay, I like your thinking. 248 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,568 - Yeah. - Think less. 249 00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:14,446 I have a very prominent eye vein right here. 250 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,699 - Can you see it? It sticks out. - Yeah. 251 00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:20,619 And is that gonna stop me from being a model? 252 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,705 I think this is the least of your worries. 253 00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:26,333 So what would be my top worry? 254 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,460 Let's talk about the face. And be honest. 255 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:32,340 What do you think is your biggest problem, except for the vein? 256 00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:34,883 "Except for the vein"? 257 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,552 - Yeah. - Okay. 258 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:39,972 I think kind of beady eyes, thin lips, 259 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:42,474 just a creepy demeanor, 260 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,060 you know, a bulb on the end of my nose, 261 00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:49,064 very thin space between my mouth and my nose. 262 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:52,442 I think my head's all fucked up. 263 00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:55,947 I think I got a weird just overall look. 264 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,949 - I don't know. - There's someone here 265 00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:03,328 that could maybe help you a little bit, a real male model. 266 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,122 - So this is Nilo. - Morning. 267 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,582 - Oh, hey, Nilo. - Hi, there, Conan. 268 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,958 - How are you? Nice to see you. - I'm very well. 269 00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:10,753 Have you had people stop you and say, hey, you look like Conan O'Brien? 270 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,590 Not really. 271 00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:17,759 Nilo, are you jealous of anything that I have? 272 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,928 - Anything? - Your hair. 273 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,013 A little more. 274 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,182 - A little more? - Yeah. 275 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:26,686 I see you have life experience. 276 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,857 - You look, and you see experience. - Yes. 277 00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,650 - Which some women find very attractive. - Yeah. 278 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:36,445 - Harrison Ford, he's, like, 82 years old. - Yeah. Yeah. 279 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:38,155 No one's criticizing him. 280 00:11:38,156 --> 00:11:41,201 But maybe Harrison Ford is not asking strangers to judge him. 281 00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:46,914 Put me next to someone who's 50 years younger and compare. 282 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,874 You think that's what Harrison Ford's doing? 283 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,626 I don't know what he does in his spare time. 284 00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:52,419 - Me neither. - He might have a whole garage 285 00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:53,629 that's packed with young people, 286 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:56,173 and he stands next to 'em and says, what about this guy? 287 00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:58,467 And his wife, Calista Flockhart, is like, I don't know. 288 00:11:58,468 --> 00:11:59,801 What's the big difference? 289 00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:01,637 He's like, what do you mean, what's the big difference? Tell me I look good. 290 00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,013 Maybe he's doing that all night long. 291 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:05,807 I want you to tell me that I'm the most beautiful man 292 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,017 you've ever seen. 293 00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:08,186 Would that kill you? 294 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,020 You're... 295 00:12:10,021 --> 00:12:14,567 Conan, you're the most beautiful man I've ever seen. 296 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,695 Even I couldn't handle it. 297 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,407 This is a designer called Diek. 298 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:23,825 - Hey, Diek. - He has his own brand. 299 00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:25,035 - How are you? - Nice to meet you. 300 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,161 What do you think, Maaike? 301 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,789 I think you look more confident the moment you put it on. 302 00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:30,624 - I do feel more confident. - Yeah. 303 00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:35,128 I look like I'm on "Miami Vice," but I also just won the Nobel Peace Prize. 304 00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,255 What is this? 305 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:39,383 It's actually a picture of my desk that I work on every day. 306 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:42,928 I have a natural fear of woodpeckers, so I don't think I can wear this. 307 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:46,056 Yeah, it's a little floppy, so you can't see that I work out. 308 00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:47,684 Exactly, that's a bummer. 309 00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:01,864 It's a walk in the park for you. 310 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,909 I think I look like someone 311 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:09,705 who just flew first class on an international flight 312 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,123 and stole the pajamas. 313 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:14,626 I mean, let's talk about the magazines you could get me work in. 314 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:15,628 Be honest. 315 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,214 I mean, I'm not gonna be in a "Vogue." 316 00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:20,465 Smartwatches. 317 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,050 You think I could get a smartwatch ad? 318 00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,219 Yeah, I think... 319 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,929 You had concerns about my hands. 320 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,515 You think they're kind of dry and scaly and freckly. 321 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:29,808 What do you think? 322 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,685 You could get a stand-in for the hands. 323 00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:35,272 Okay, let's not show his face, and let's get a stand-in for his hands? 324 00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:36,898 - Yeah. - What's left of me? 325 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:39,109 Now, suddenly, I'm just a torso model. 326 00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:40,944 And even that you're not too thrilled about. 327 00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,322 I think we've achieved nothing here today. 328 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,324 - I flew a long way to see you. - Yeah. 329 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,993 You promised me you could help me out, and it's a wash. 330 00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:49,202 I gave it my best shot. 331 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,663 - Did you? - No. 332 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,046 Chin up a little bit more. 333 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:11,350 When you think Netherlands, you think tulips. 334 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,852 - Isn't that right? - Absolutely. 335 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,063 First sign of spring. That's why they're so popular. 336 00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:17,856 I love it here, I have to say. 337 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,360 I feel like I just took heroin. 338 00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:25,739 And this is the last thing I'm gonna see before I die, you know? 339 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:28,492 I do dream of the tulips at night also, so... 340 00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:29,786 I dream of heroin. 341 00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:33,663 - Quick question--can I eat a tulip? - I wouldn't recommend. 342 00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:36,958 You will get a bit of a stomach hurt, and, well, it tastes really bad. 343 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:40,003 I did try it one time, but wouldn't recommend. 344 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:42,506 See, that's the word I want to get out. 345 00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:44,800 Tulips are pretty, but please don't eat tulips. 346 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:49,554 Some celebrities of my stature say, we've got to fight cancer, 347 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,807 or, we've got to feed hungry children. 348 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,518 My thing is, don't eat tulips. 349 00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:55,937 - Don't do it. - Yeah, don't do it. 350 00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,399 You'll be on the toilet all day? 351 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:03,985 Hey, Romy, no one asked. 352 00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:06,738 - Let's leave the diarrhea part out... - Yeah, okay. 353 00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:09,199 And your specific story of a little bit of diarrhea, 354 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,118 because then I'm thinking, how much is a little bit 355 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,661 - of diarrhea, you know? - Yeah. 356 00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,205 And I don't want to know. So let's do this. 357 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:18,417 How about tulip eating, and then we look to camera 358 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,086 and say, don't do it, and we both cross our arms? 359 00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,046 - Could you do that with me? - Yes. 360 00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,923 - Ready? - Tulip eating... 361 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,426 don't do it. 362 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,847 There could be diarrhea, a small amount. 363 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:35,976 Way there in the distance, what is that right there? 364 00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:38,353 That's Tilly Tulip. She's our mascot. 365 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:39,647 Oh, God. 366 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:43,692 Okay. So who is this? 367 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,319 Also Tilly the Tulip. 368 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,363 - You have a book? - Yes. 369 00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:50,615 And let me guess--the book is for sale? 370 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,868 Yes, of course. 371 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,704 I see. And how much is the book? 372 00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:58,540 10 euro. Okay, Tilly. 373 00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:00,417 Have you no shame? 374 00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:03,045 Tilly, do children ever get frightened when they see you? 375 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:04,671 Sometimes. 376 00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:06,715 Oh, they cry, and they cover their eyes? 377 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:10,051 Tilly, have you ever felt bad at the end of the day, frightening children? 378 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:11,261 No, you don't care. 379 00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:13,681 You know what we call you? A sociopath. 380 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,266 What are you gonna do? Yeah? 381 00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:19,686 Tilly, you're a frightening apparition from our possible future, 382 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:21,897 a future where we didn't take care of our planet 383 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:24,484 and Mother Nature became enraged. 384 00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:26,693 Maybe 50 years from now, 385 00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:29,696 there'll be millions of giant tulips hunting us down. 386 00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:32,449 Yes, yes. Killing and killing again. 387 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:35,452 Destroying humanity, making humanity pay. 388 00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:37,412 Yes, that's your dream, isn't it, Tilly? 389 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:41,249 Wow, there's no evil act I can describe to Tilly. 390 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:45,587 Tilly when I was a young man, I saw a hobo walking down the street, 391 00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:48,048 and I ran him down with my car and killed him. 392 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,841 Yeah, and I got away with it! 393 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,427 What do you think, Tilly? No, no, no? 394 00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:54,554 Okay, well, I think we can cut to you celebrating. 395 00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:56,973 And I ran him down with my car and killed him. 396 00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,017 Yeah, and I got away with it! 397 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,394 Yeah, let's stop right here. Don't make it worse. 398 00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,146 - Don't make it worse? - Yeah. 399 00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:07,026 Well, you're talking to the wrong guy, 'cause I love to make it worse. 400 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,529 Tilly started as a stripper. 401 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,534 Oh, it's your mom! Oh, my God. 402 00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:18,328 This is amazing. 403 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:22,749 The breeze in my hair, that Amsterdam air, 404 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,918 thinking of Cher. 405 00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:28,046 I needed a rhyme, so now I'm thinking about Cher. 406 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,758 ♪ If I could turn back time ♪ 407 00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:34,762 ♪ If I could find my way ♪ 408 00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:38,140 Just talking about Cher. 409 00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,517 - Hey, guy, how you doing? - Oh, my God! 410 00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:41,601 How are you? 411 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:44,062 - What are you doing here? - We're studying abroad. 412 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,314 You're not studying right now. 413 00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:48,359 You're totally screwing around. 414 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,610 Where are you all from originally, if not-- 415 00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,821 - Georgia. - University of Georgia. 416 00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:54,990 - Can you say "go, Dawgs" for us? - Yeah, can you say "go Dawgs"? 417 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,575 What's in it for me? 418 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,159 - Smiles. - Love and light. 419 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,369 Yes! 420 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,580 Go, Dawgs! 421 00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:07,127 KLM is the official airlines here of the Netherlands. 422 00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:09,921 And there's a cool thing about that airline. 423 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,382 If you fly business class, KLM gives you 424 00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:17,345 a tiny, little ceramic Delft Blue house. 425 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,639 These have become a huge collector's item. 426 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,391 Think Beanie Babies 427 00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:24,811 if they were a ceramic small house 428 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:27,230 that was offered in the Netherlands by an airline. 429 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:31,443 No one really owns all 106 except for one man. 430 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:35,614 That man lives inside that little storage space behind me 431 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,032 with his son. 432 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,992 They don't really live in the storage space, 433 00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:40,620 but I thought it sounded more dramatic. 434 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,167 - This is Roger. - Roger. 435 00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:49,294 - And this is his son Patrick. - Correct. 436 00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,171 Do you live here in this storage facility? 437 00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:53,340 I live here next to it, the high rise. 438 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:55,842 I understand, but it's a cooler story if you live 439 00:18:55,843 --> 00:18:57,594 in the storage facility. 440 00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:00,222 Can we just say that you live in the storage facility? 441 00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:02,641 - You can say. You can say what you want. - Okay. 442 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,976 So you live here in the storage facility. 443 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,854 - Yes. - And you only eat rodents that you find 444 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:11,107 - here in the storage facility. - No, I eat more. 445 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:14,070 No, it's a better story if you say, yes, I eat the rodents. 446 00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,658 You eat the rodents here in the storage facility. 447 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:20,660 I do. 448 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,494 Perfect. 449 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:25,538 - This is the Rembrandt House. - Oh, this is the Rembrandt House. 450 00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:29,125 He lived there. He worked there. And it's in the center of Amsterdam. 451 00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:30,210 Okay. 452 00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:32,128 You have the Anne Frank house. Isn't that right? 453 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:33,463 - Yes. - Number 47. 454 00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:36,341 - This is Anne Frank. - Is this one of the most sought after? 455 00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,467 - Yeah. - Yeah. 456 00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:39,469 People like it. Everybody wants it. 457 00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:42,890 This is the most important, Palace on the Dam Square. 458 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:46,601 So this is the most valuable house maybe. 459 00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:47,727 Valuable, yes. 460 00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:49,480 And what else is valuable? 461 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,192 - We have this one. - This one, too, huh? 462 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,486 This is the Cheese House in-- 463 00:19:56,487 --> 00:19:57,821 - Gouda. - Gouda. 464 00:19:57,822 --> 00:19:59,114 If you're gonna have both of these, 465 00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:01,574 - then it's very, very valuable. - Yeah, it's nice. 466 00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:04,035 - Tennis House is in Heimstaden. - Tennis House. 467 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,496 - Yes. - Thank you. 468 00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:10,709 Do you want something to put it in, that it doesn't harm? 469 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,795 You're the nicest guy ever. 470 00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,714 I'm stealing your most valuable homes, 471 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:18,508 and you're offering me something to carry it in? 472 00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:20,135 Yes, no problem. 473 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:22,095 I love this country. 474 00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:24,514 Which is your personal favorite of all the houses? 475 00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,099 - Do you have one? - Yes. 476 00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,143 - That's a pretty one. - Yes. 477 00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:30,311 Look at this. Look at this house. This is really pretty. 478 00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:32,313 - Which one is this? - Number 69. 479 00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:33,816 That's why people like it. 480 00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,736 Sir. 481 00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,946 I can't believe you'd make that joke. 482 00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:40,948 Yeah. 483 00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:43,533 So... 484 00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:46,536 How do you feel now that you've made a 69 joke? 485 00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:48,330 No, not bad. 486 00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,669 I didn't realize I was in this kind of storage facility. 487 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,171 Yes, it is. 488 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:59,632 I would like to add extra ones to the collection. 489 00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:02,011 These are the most significant buildings in America. 490 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,346 - This is a McDonald's. - Oh, that's nice. 491 00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:07,056 - Isn't that beautiful? - I like McDonald's. 492 00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:08,767 Yeah, check this out. 493 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:12,353 This is an Amazon fulfillment center right here. 494 00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,522 These are very popular in the United States. 495 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,733 And, look, it has the little truck outside. 496 00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,987 You can even see the water bottles the employees are forced to piss in. 497 00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:23,573 A very famous one in America, that's the White House. 498 00:21:23,574 --> 00:21:24,657 Yes. 499 00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:27,035 And then a very special one, look at this, 500 00:21:27,036 --> 00:21:28,787 - the White House ballroom... - Very nice. 501 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,622 Goes next to it. This is exactly to scale. 502 00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:32,833 So you have to get both in the collection. 503 00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:43,593 Some of the greatest painters in history came from the Netherlands, 504 00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:47,388 including Rembrandt, Vermeer, and, of course... 505 00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,349 I am Vincent van Gogh. 506 00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:53,102 I am one of the most famous painters in the history of man. 507 00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:56,981 In my lifetime, I made no money off of my paintings. 508 00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,025 Since my death, my paintings have sold 509 00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:02,028 for many hundreds of millions of dollars apiece. 510 00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:04,072 I am really pissed about this. 511 00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:07,325 So I'm coming to the Van Gogh Gift Shop 512 00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:11,121 to get a cut of the merch, the money that is due me. 513 00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:13,833 I know you're in there! 514 00:22:15,709 --> 00:22:17,961 I just want a cut of the merch. 515 00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:20,171 T-shirts, bumper stickers. 516 00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:23,675 Oh, my God, look, you've got little fidget spinners that say "van Gogh." 517 00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:25,636 I want my money! 518 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,433 Oh, fuck, a guy's coming. 519 00:22:35,271 --> 00:22:36,647 Oh, man. 520 00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:40,900 What the hell? Look at that. I never held a-- 521 00:22:40,901 --> 00:22:42,193 Well, I held hot dogs a lot. 522 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:45,154 I loved hot dogs, but they didn't have Coca-Cola yet. 523 00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:46,948 Back then, they just had-- 524 00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:49,200 Well, they had Dr Pepper. I like Dr Pepper. 525 00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:51,286 Everybody makes money off van Gogh. 526 00:22:51,287 --> 00:22:53,872 Who doesn't make a bit of money is me. 527 00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:56,083 Why? Oh, "because I'm dead." 528 00:22:57,084 --> 00:22:58,335 Legal loophole. 529 00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:10,096 - Hello, may I come in and speak? - No, it's not possible right now. 530 00:23:10,097 --> 00:23:12,891 It's not possible? My name is Vincent van Gogh. 531 00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:16,561 I made all this stuff. I made nothing in my lifetime. 532 00:23:16,562 --> 00:23:19,689 And now suddenly I can't even come into the "Van Gogh Museum"? 533 00:23:19,690 --> 00:23:20,773 It's my museum! 534 00:23:20,774 --> 00:23:23,484 Oh, now they bring out the big guns. Oh, this guy will be fun. 535 00:23:23,485 --> 00:23:27,114 I should get to come in. I made these paintings myself. 536 00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:31,951 I had a terrible lifetime. I had gonorrhea, syphilis. 537 00:23:31,952 --> 00:23:33,912 I might have had some kind of lead poisoning 538 00:23:33,913 --> 00:23:35,830 that made me go a little cuckoo. 539 00:23:35,831 --> 00:23:38,207 Oh, suddenly he's got a little diary he's writing in. 540 00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:42,587 "Dear diary, today I met Vincent van Gogh, and I kicked him out of his own museum." 541 00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:44,839 Make some way if people want to leave. 542 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,341 Make some way so people can leave? 543 00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:48,718 Okay. All right. I'm sorry. 544 00:23:48,719 --> 00:23:51,346 Come on out, everybody. Come on. 545 00:23:51,347 --> 00:23:54,474 - Hope you liked my museum. - Nice job. 546 00:23:54,475 --> 00:23:55,725 How much did you pay? 547 00:23:55,726 --> 00:23:57,352 - Hi. - 25 euro. 548 00:23:57,353 --> 00:23:59,062 25 euro? I get nothing! 549 00:23:59,063 --> 00:24:01,440 Hello, can I just have a little something for my trouble? 550 00:24:02,733 --> 00:24:03,734 Thank you. 551 00:24:06,278 --> 00:24:07,362 Nothing? 552 00:24:07,363 --> 00:24:09,572 - Did you like my paintings? - Amazing. 553 00:24:09,573 --> 00:24:11,532 Did you like them? Those are the early ones. 554 00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:12,909 They're not even the good ones. 555 00:24:12,910 --> 00:24:15,453 - I hope you had a good time at my museum. - Yes, great pictures. 556 00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:17,538 Guess what. They won't even let me in. 557 00:24:17,539 --> 00:24:19,375 Never grow up. It's awful. 558 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,170 Don't be a painter, little girl. Get into corporate law! 559 00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:28,384 Hello. Oh, I remember you. 560 00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:31,177 You were something. Remember? 561 00:24:31,178 --> 00:24:33,097 Oh, suddenly she doesn't remember. 562 00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:36,432 Okay. Vincent van who? 563 00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:37,977 Oh, she was crazy, man. 564 00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:40,353 That was a crazy chick. 565 00:24:40,354 --> 00:24:41,980 - Did you like my work? - Yes, I did. 566 00:24:41,981 --> 00:24:43,815 - Was it very good? - Yeah, I was very moved. 567 00:24:43,816 --> 00:24:46,025 What are they charging for these? 568 00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:47,986 - 125 each. - 12-- 569 00:24:47,987 --> 00:24:49,529 - Oh, I got to go, huh? - Yeah. 570 00:24:49,530 --> 00:24:52,782 Okay. No hard feelings. Thank you so much. No hard feelings. 571 00:24:52,783 --> 00:24:54,575 - Bye. - Listen, I get it. 572 00:24:54,576 --> 00:24:58,913 A guy paints some stuff, he goes a little crazy, cuts off his ear. 573 00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:00,415 Yeah, it wasn't good. 574 00:25:00,416 --> 00:25:02,583 I shouldn't have done the ear. That was a mistake. 575 00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:04,628 What a sad end for van Gogh. 576 00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:32,613 Okay. 577 00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:35,825 Just missed being killed by a trolley. 578 00:25:35,826 --> 00:25:37,326 But what a way to go. 579 00:25:37,327 --> 00:25:40,246 People take their most precious cargo, which is their children, 580 00:25:40,247 --> 00:25:42,999 and they pack them into the front of their bicycle. 581 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,209 Here we go--another guy with his whole family 582 00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:47,754 packed into a small box in the front of his bike. 583 00:25:47,755 --> 00:25:50,048 Children here are... 584 00:25:50,049 --> 00:25:51,925 they're sort of like airbags in a car. 585 00:25:52,843 --> 00:25:56,512 This is Fietsdepot, where bicycles are brought 586 00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:57,805 if they've been impounded. 587 00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,224 - You, sir, are Martin? - Yes, that's correct. 588 00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:01,768 - You are Jaya. - Correct. 589 00:26:01,769 --> 00:26:03,436 Bicycles anywhere in the city, 590 00:26:03,437 --> 00:26:08,274 if they're parked illegally, they are taken away, and they are brought here. 591 00:26:08,275 --> 00:26:09,358 - Yes. - Correct. 592 00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:14,198 Is it fair to say it's a veritable boneyard of bicycles? 593 00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,115 You could say so. 594 00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:18,159 You know what I find hard to believe? 595 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:21,871 Who would take this bike and impound it? 596 00:26:21,872 --> 00:26:24,123 What kind of cruel monster? 597 00:26:24,124 --> 00:26:26,876 Think of the little boy or girl who-- 598 00:26:26,877 --> 00:26:30,630 Probably girl, but it's not important. 599 00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:32,423 Anyone can have any bike they want. 600 00:26:32,424 --> 00:26:36,302 And if a little boy wants this pink bike, then so be it. 601 00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,013 Does it keep you up at night that this bike was impounded? 602 00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:40,389 - To be honest, no. - No. 603 00:26:40,390 --> 00:26:42,975 You must have people show up who are unhappy. 604 00:26:42,976 --> 00:26:44,102 - Yes. - Of course, yes. 605 00:26:44,103 --> 00:26:45,895 Because they have to travel a long way to get here. 606 00:26:45,896 --> 00:26:46,979 Okay. 607 00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:48,523 And then you also have to pay for your bicycle. 608 00:26:48,524 --> 00:26:53,070 I'd like to see how you deal with these angry customers, if it's okay. 609 00:26:53,904 --> 00:26:55,321 - My bicycle! - Is this your bike? 610 00:26:55,322 --> 00:26:56,697 This is my bicycle! 611 00:26:56,698 --> 00:26:58,783 Well, aren't you glad that your bicycle is here? 612 00:26:58,784 --> 00:27:00,910 - No, you cut the lock! - We did cut the lock. 613 00:27:00,911 --> 00:27:03,913 My grandmother made me this lock! 614 00:27:03,914 --> 00:27:06,833 She made it for me and you cut my lock? 615 00:27:06,834 --> 00:27:08,918 - That's such... - Why? 616 00:27:08,919 --> 00:27:12,547 - Why you take my bicycle? - Oh, my gosh. 617 00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:14,799 Why? 618 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,592 My heart. My heart. 619 00:27:16,593 --> 00:27:18,845 - Take it easy. - I have pills in my pocket. 620 00:27:18,846 --> 00:27:21,556 Get the pills. Get the pills. Get the pills. 621 00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:23,933 - Give me the pill! Give me the pill. - Here you go. 622 00:27:23,934 --> 00:27:25,561 Wrong pill! 623 00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:27,979 You kill me! 624 00:27:27,980 --> 00:27:30,566 - You kill me! I curse you! - How many pills do you have? 625 00:27:31,733 --> 00:27:32,942 Does that ever happen? 626 00:27:32,943 --> 00:27:34,068 - No. - Never. 627 00:27:34,069 --> 00:27:36,279 You guys keep the bike for how long? 628 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:37,947 We keep the bike for four weeks. 629 00:27:37,948 --> 00:27:40,117 And wrecked bikes we keep for two weeks. 630 00:27:40,951 --> 00:27:42,827 - Erect bikes? - Yes, a wrecked bike. 631 00:27:42,828 --> 00:27:44,579 - Wreckages. - Oh, wreckages. 632 00:27:44,580 --> 00:27:48,959 I thought you were saying "erect bike," which was freaking me out. 633 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,169 That's on you. 634 00:27:51,170 --> 00:27:53,589 That bike is really happy to see its owner. 635 00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:57,300 Schwinn! A Schwinn! 636 00:27:57,301 --> 00:27:58,426 I apologize. 637 00:27:58,427 --> 00:28:02,388 It's incredible to see all these bikes at once 638 00:28:02,389 --> 00:28:04,098 all together. 639 00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:08,187 It's a veritable boneyard of bicycles. 640 00:28:09,771 --> 00:28:11,772 - Pretty cool imagery, right? - Yes. 641 00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:15,193 Like a graveyard of bikes, but I say boneyard of bicycles 642 00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:16,612 'cause you get the two Bs... 643 00:28:19,072 --> 00:28:22,325 So this pile of bikes right here-- It looks like a bike orgy, by the way. 644 00:28:22,326 --> 00:28:24,160 Look at it. What are these bikes? 645 00:28:24,161 --> 00:28:25,870 These are wrecked bikes. 646 00:28:25,871 --> 00:28:27,538 They better be erect if they're in an orgy. 647 00:28:27,539 --> 00:28:30,625 They are coming from the channels. 648 00:28:30,626 --> 00:28:32,418 Hold for the laugh. 649 00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:33,711 That's about enough. 650 00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:35,421 What happens to these bikes? 651 00:28:35,422 --> 00:28:37,506 - They all get destroyed. - They get destroyed? 652 00:28:37,507 --> 00:28:38,799 - Yes. - That's too bad. 653 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,177 I think you guys are being too harsh on these bikes. 654 00:28:41,178 --> 00:28:43,346 Can I get this bike for free? 655 00:28:43,347 --> 00:28:45,514 If you can show me you can ride on it. 656 00:28:45,515 --> 00:28:48,226 What are you talking about? This can ride. It's fine. 657 00:28:48,227 --> 00:28:50,811 - It's perfectly fine. - It's perfectly fine. 658 00:28:50,812 --> 00:28:51,938 Yes. 659 00:28:51,939 --> 00:28:53,565 You just got to get a running start, is all. 660 00:29:31,436 --> 00:29:34,188 Hi. I'm Conan O'Brien. 661 00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:39,068 For just 2 euros a day, you can support neglected, abused, 662 00:29:39,069 --> 00:29:42,405 and tragically ugly bicycles in Amsterdam. 663 00:29:42,406 --> 00:29:44,699 Together, we can turn 664 00:29:44,700 --> 00:29:48,703 this veritable boneyard of bicycles 665 00:29:48,704 --> 00:29:50,872 into a hillside of hope. 666 00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:53,500 Man, that was good. 667 00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:57,878 Hey, Conan, my name is Lucas, and I'm calling from the Netherlands. 668 00:29:57,879 --> 00:30:00,172 Tell me a little bit about yourself, Lucas. 669 00:30:00,173 --> 00:30:03,384 I live in Amsterdam with my girlfriend and my two cats. 670 00:30:03,385 --> 00:30:05,386 And I play basketball. 671 00:30:05,387 --> 00:30:07,555 I used to play professional. 672 00:30:07,556 --> 00:30:09,932 On what level did you play professional basketball? 673 00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:12,476 The highest level in the Netherlands. 674 00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:13,728 - What? - That's fantastic. 675 00:30:13,729 --> 00:30:15,146 That's impressive. 676 00:30:15,147 --> 00:30:18,107 Compared to the rest of the world, it's kind of meh, 677 00:30:18,108 --> 00:30:20,109 but it's all right here. 678 00:30:20,110 --> 00:30:21,652 Can I say something, Lucas? 679 00:30:21,653 --> 00:30:25,656 If I had played professional basketball for a day, 680 00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:27,616 it's all you'd ever hear about. 681 00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:31,287 So I'm in a team with a lot of introverts. 682 00:30:31,288 --> 00:30:35,541 I think you could help me and maybe my team be more 683 00:30:35,542 --> 00:30:37,752 - of a trash-talking team. - Oh, yeah. 684 00:30:37,753 --> 00:30:39,754 You came to the right guy. 685 00:30:39,755 --> 00:30:41,464 Yeah, exactly. 686 00:30:41,465 --> 00:30:43,591 I will make your team more vocal. 687 00:30:43,592 --> 00:30:47,386 I will make your team great trash talkers. 688 00:30:47,387 --> 00:30:49,972 Will you be better at basketball? 689 00:30:49,973 --> 00:30:51,141 No. 690 00:30:52,559 --> 00:30:54,935 - Hey. How are you? - Hi, there. Good. 691 00:30:54,936 --> 00:30:56,187 - How are you? - Good to see you. 692 00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:57,855 - I'm very happy to meet you. - Yeah, happy to meet you, too. 693 00:30:57,856 --> 00:31:00,149 The big thing I want to help you with is, when we talked on Zoom, 694 00:31:00,150 --> 00:31:02,943 - you said that it's hard to trash talk. - It is. 695 00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:05,946 I think it's because your country-- people are very polite. 696 00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:07,323 We're really modest. 697 00:31:07,324 --> 00:31:10,284 The American way is, I'm the greatest. 698 00:31:10,285 --> 00:31:12,870 You suck, I'm amazing. Do you know what I mean? 699 00:31:12,871 --> 00:31:15,581 All right, I want you to have good trash talking, okay? 700 00:31:15,582 --> 00:31:16,957 Stuff that works here in the Netherlands. 701 00:31:16,958 --> 00:31:18,167 Okay. 702 00:31:18,168 --> 00:31:20,378 I hope, like everyone else in the Netherlands, you like to bicycle 703 00:31:20,379 --> 00:31:22,421 'cause you can't drive for shit. 704 00:31:22,422 --> 00:31:25,592 I hope your universal health care covers whup-ass. 705 00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:27,593 - Is that a good one? - Yeah, that's-- 706 00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:29,387 'Cause you guys have universal healthcare. 707 00:31:29,388 --> 00:31:30,805 - Yeah. - Yeah. 708 00:31:30,806 --> 00:31:32,474 Hey, why don't you go Dutch and split? 709 00:31:34,059 --> 00:31:35,643 Hey, you guys like tulips? 710 00:31:35,644 --> 00:31:37,354 Here's two lips saying, you suck! 711 00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:40,273 You must be Edam 'cause you're no Gouda. 712 00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:43,984 Those are the two big cheeses here, right? 713 00:31:43,985 --> 00:31:45,611 - Yeah. - Edam and Gouda? 714 00:31:45,612 --> 00:31:49,198 And then I said, you're no Gouda, and it's like, you're no good, right? 715 00:31:49,199 --> 00:31:50,324 Yeah. 716 00:31:50,325 --> 00:31:54,413 I can tell you're Dutch 'cause you're wooden and you clog the lane. 717 00:31:56,623 --> 00:31:59,835 Here's one--van Gogh fuck yourself. 718 00:32:01,086 --> 00:32:02,169 That's good. 719 00:32:02,170 --> 00:32:03,754 - You like that one? - Yeah, I like it. 720 00:32:03,755 --> 00:32:06,216 Let it rain, motherfucker! 721 00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:08,175 Yes! 722 00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:10,302 The problem is, I can't use it because I'm Dutch 723 00:32:10,303 --> 00:32:11,929 and I can't say that to another Dutch person. 724 00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:13,514 Okay, I'll give you some generic ones. 725 00:32:13,515 --> 00:32:15,642 You couldn't dunk a doughnut. 726 00:32:21,690 --> 00:32:23,441 Okay, you can dunk a basket, 727 00:32:23,442 --> 00:32:27,194 but I maintain you could not dunk a doughnut. 728 00:32:27,195 --> 00:32:29,029 Hey, you could use some of my moves. 729 00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:32,242 Look at this one-- I look that way, but I shoot this way. 730 00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:36,246 Space hook! 731 00:32:37,247 --> 00:32:39,123 What the fuck is a space hook? 732 00:32:39,124 --> 00:32:41,125 - Hi, how are you? - Hi. Good. 733 00:32:41,126 --> 00:32:43,836 Here's my problem with him. He's too nice. 734 00:32:43,837 --> 00:32:46,046 So I've been giving him some trash talking, you know? 735 00:32:46,047 --> 00:32:48,048 - Oh, nice. - Yeah, that works in the Netherlands. 736 00:32:48,049 --> 00:32:50,050 - Yeah. - Van Gogh fuck yourself. 737 00:32:50,051 --> 00:32:52,720 - Oh, yeah, I like that one. - That's a winner. 738 00:32:52,721 --> 00:32:54,263 - I'm just gonna say something else. - Okay. 739 00:32:54,264 --> 00:32:55,681 - You're a handsome guy. - Thank you. 740 00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:56,891 But I think your hair is too polite. 741 00:32:56,892 --> 00:32:58,684 We're gonna make you look a little tougher. 742 00:32:58,685 --> 00:32:59,978 - Okay. - Cool? 743 00:33:00,896 --> 00:33:03,063 Okay, now we are talking. 744 00:33:03,064 --> 00:33:04,482 - You look fierce. - You think so? 745 00:33:04,483 --> 00:33:06,901 Yeah, you look like an anemic Sonic the Hedgehog. 746 00:33:06,902 --> 00:33:10,446 It looks like I just caught him in my garden eating cabbage. 747 00:33:10,447 --> 00:33:11,906 - This is your coach? - Yes. 748 00:33:11,907 --> 00:33:14,033 What do you think of my man Lucas as a player? 749 00:33:14,034 --> 00:33:15,826 - He's a really good player. - He's a good player? 750 00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:17,161 - Yes, a good player. - But there's a problem. 751 00:33:17,162 --> 00:33:19,205 - What is the problem? - He can't trash talk. 752 00:33:19,206 --> 00:33:20,498 - No. - Well, why not? 753 00:33:20,499 --> 00:33:22,500 Because in Netherlands, you get technical foul. 754 00:33:22,501 --> 00:33:24,335 You get a technical foul if you trash talk? 755 00:33:24,336 --> 00:33:25,378 - Yeah. - You didn't tell me that! 756 00:33:26,630 --> 00:33:28,756 If I played with your team, would I be a useful player? 757 00:33:28,757 --> 00:33:31,509 You're pretty good in shape, but you're not good enough for our team. 758 00:33:31,510 --> 00:33:33,093 You don't think I'm good enough for your team? 759 00:33:33,094 --> 00:33:34,178 No, not at all. 760 00:33:34,179 --> 00:33:35,721 I'm gonna be the best player on your team. 761 00:33:35,722 --> 00:33:37,890 - Let's play some one-on-one with Dave. - Yeah, where's Dave? 762 00:33:37,891 --> 00:33:38,974 - Dave. - Dave. 763 00:33:38,975 --> 00:33:40,309 You want to play some one-on-one with him? 764 00:33:40,310 --> 00:33:41,977 Yeah, I want to play one-on-one with Dave. 765 00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:43,354 - Yeah? - You don't scare me. 766 00:33:43,355 --> 00:33:45,898 I think you're a terrible basketball player. 767 00:33:45,899 --> 00:33:48,526 You're weak. You're inferior to me. 768 00:33:48,527 --> 00:33:50,737 I crush you like a bug. 769 00:33:52,531 --> 00:33:55,324 You will be so embarrassed when I'm done with you, 770 00:33:55,325 --> 00:33:57,451 you will leave the sport forever. 771 00:33:57,452 --> 00:33:59,954 - What will be the score? - The score, by the time I'm done? 772 00:33:59,955 --> 00:34:01,957 - Yeah. - Numbers don't go that high. 773 00:34:09,548 --> 00:34:10,632 What happened? 774 00:34:20,350 --> 00:34:21,351 Psych you out! 775 00:34:25,981 --> 00:34:29,149 That guy is juicing like crazy. I don't know what he's taking. 776 00:34:29,150 --> 00:34:31,777 But I turned off the light at one point, he was glowing. 777 00:34:31,778 --> 00:34:34,446 Yeah. He keeps visiting Chernobyl. 778 00:34:34,447 --> 00:34:36,115 Guys, you were very generous. 779 00:34:36,116 --> 00:34:39,994 You taught me your style of basketball here in the Netherlands. 780 00:34:39,995 --> 00:34:42,705 And I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. 781 00:34:42,706 --> 00:34:45,000 Van Gogh fuck yourself! 782 00:34:50,589 --> 00:34:54,383 One of the most iconic symbols of the Netherlands is the wooden shoe. 783 00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:58,220 And even though carving them is an 800-year-old tradition, 784 00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:01,181 this guy didn't look a day over 400. 785 00:35:01,182 --> 00:35:05,102 I'm standing here with Roel and his son Tim. 786 00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:08,314 And you guys make wooden shoes, yes? 787 00:35:08,315 --> 00:35:09,940 This is typically Dutch. 788 00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:12,276 One block of wood, a total shoe. 789 00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:14,153 We just produce shoes. 790 00:35:14,154 --> 00:35:16,405 And if people buy them, I'm happy. 791 00:35:16,406 --> 00:35:18,949 If they don't buy them, I'm still happy. 792 00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:20,118 It's okay. 793 00:35:21,411 --> 00:35:24,163 Wow. You're a terrible businessman. 794 00:35:24,164 --> 00:35:26,332 What is the advantage of a wooden shoe? 795 00:35:26,333 --> 00:35:29,209 - Everybody has plastic shoes on his feet. - Yeah. 796 00:35:29,210 --> 00:35:31,420 - You get sweaty feet. - Sweaty feet. 797 00:35:31,421 --> 00:35:32,796 - You get cold feet. - Cold feet. 798 00:35:32,797 --> 00:35:35,841 You can't play athletics in wooden shoes, right? 799 00:35:35,842 --> 00:35:38,010 - I can run in them. - You can run in them? 800 00:35:38,011 --> 00:35:39,429 Are you a fast runner? 801 00:35:46,102 --> 00:35:48,228 I like your hair. Your hair is kind of like my hair. 802 00:35:48,229 --> 00:35:49,313 - Thank you. - Yeah. 803 00:35:49,314 --> 00:35:50,939 I just got a little bit more, I think. 804 00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:52,441 - You have a little more hair, yes. - A little more. 805 00:35:52,442 --> 00:35:54,068 Well, I think you do. You're a younger man. 806 00:35:54,069 --> 00:35:55,653 - I'm a younger man. - Of course, I'll be losing hair. 807 00:35:55,654 --> 00:35:58,614 - And soon, the tomb awaits. - Yeah, I know. 808 00:35:58,615 --> 00:36:01,660 Has anyone ever thrown a shoe at someone else as a weapon? 809 00:36:04,245 --> 00:36:06,246 - You seem like you're getting nervous. - Yeah, that's not... 810 00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:08,248 - Have you killed a man with a shoe? - No, I don't. 811 00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:10,250 - Are you thinking about it? - No. 812 00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:11,460 I bet your son's thought about it. 813 00:36:11,461 --> 00:36:13,088 You ever wanted to kill someone with a shoe? 814 00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:16,465 I never did, no. I never thought about it either. 815 00:36:16,466 --> 00:36:17,800 Well, you're thinking about it now, aren't you? 816 00:36:17,801 --> 00:36:19,301 Now I am, yeah, sure. 817 00:36:19,302 --> 00:36:21,929 You're a man of very direct, simple words. 818 00:36:21,930 --> 00:36:25,849 But maybe your country ways are better than my city ways. 819 00:36:25,850 --> 00:36:27,976 I live in a high office tower. 820 00:36:27,977 --> 00:36:29,645 I'm a hedge-fund manager. 821 00:36:29,646 --> 00:36:31,772 I'm filled with misery and pain. 822 00:36:31,773 --> 00:36:35,275 But in a Hallmark movie, I come here, I start making the shoes. 823 00:36:35,276 --> 00:36:37,986 I meet a woman who thinks I'm the fancy guy from the city, 824 00:36:37,987 --> 00:36:41,031 but I think her ways are stupid and provincial. 825 00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:43,910 But then we love each other at the end, and we make shoes together. 826 00:36:47,539 --> 00:36:49,373 Then they catch fire, and she's killed. 827 00:36:49,374 --> 00:36:50,917 - Let's go on in. - Okay. 828 00:36:56,172 --> 00:36:58,716 - So this is a block of poplar. - That's correct. 829 00:36:58,717 --> 00:37:01,427 Out of this block, we're going to make me a shoe? 830 00:37:01,428 --> 00:37:02,594 - Yes. - Wow. 831 00:37:02,595 --> 00:37:06,432 I'm a size U.S. 12, narrow foot. 832 00:37:06,433 --> 00:37:09,519 Not much of an arch, so I like a little extra support. 833 00:37:12,105 --> 00:37:13,523 Big problem. 834 00:37:14,357 --> 00:37:16,817 No, it's okay. We will make a shoe. It's fine. 835 00:37:16,818 --> 00:37:17,944 Okay. 836 00:37:23,575 --> 00:37:26,952 At this moment, we are making 10 1/2 centimeters. 837 00:37:26,953 --> 00:37:29,621 - It's a real small one. - That's for, like, a baby. 838 00:37:29,622 --> 00:37:33,333 I make mountains of these little shoes because they sell very good. 839 00:37:33,334 --> 00:37:36,545 - People like the little ones? - Yeah, America loves little shoes. 840 00:37:36,546 --> 00:37:38,338 It's sort of a shoe-venir. 841 00:37:38,339 --> 00:37:39,548 - Yeah. - Yeah. 842 00:37:39,549 --> 00:37:40,884 - Shoe-venir. - Yeah. 843 00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:52,269 Potato. 844 00:37:52,270 --> 00:37:55,481 Fresh wood feels a lot like cutting potatoes. 845 00:37:55,482 --> 00:37:59,067 Yes, it does feel like a potato. And you know what? I know potatoes. 846 00:37:59,068 --> 00:38:00,986 And if you make them quick, they stay cheap. 847 00:38:00,987 --> 00:38:03,364 - Nice. - And it's not made in China. 848 00:38:03,990 --> 00:38:05,365 There you go. 849 00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:07,493 This is still typically Dutch, 850 00:38:07,494 --> 00:38:10,204 - and they're even very cheap. - Yeah, yeah. 851 00:38:10,205 --> 00:38:12,164 - You got that on the camera? - Yes. 852 00:38:12,165 --> 00:38:13,749 - Yeah? Okay. - Perfect, good. 853 00:38:13,750 --> 00:38:14,751 Yeah. 854 00:38:16,002 --> 00:38:18,378 You didn't expect that one, eh? 855 00:38:18,379 --> 00:38:21,381 No, I didn't expect that at all. 856 00:38:21,382 --> 00:38:24,385 The yellow shoe is the working shoe for farmers. 857 00:38:25,261 --> 00:38:27,304 The man always have a dark color. 858 00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:30,390 - And his wife always have a light color. - That's nice. 859 00:38:30,391 --> 00:38:34,186 And we have very big woman in the Netherlands. 860 00:38:34,187 --> 00:38:35,813 The women are bigger than the men? 861 00:38:35,814 --> 00:38:37,397 - Sometimes. - Yeah. 862 00:38:37,398 --> 00:38:40,234 - This man got a real big problem. - Well... 863 00:38:40,235 --> 00:38:43,028 Imagine he's going to kiss his wife. 864 00:38:43,029 --> 00:38:45,240 How does he do that one? 865 00:38:48,159 --> 00:38:49,244 Yeah, yeah. 866 00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:52,121 Okay. 867 00:38:55,083 --> 00:38:57,209 It takes a little getting used to. 868 00:38:57,210 --> 00:38:59,253 Here's the problem. You turn this way. 869 00:38:59,254 --> 00:39:02,631 Let's say I'm a bad guy, and I want to sneak up on you and kill you. 870 00:39:02,632 --> 00:39:03,633 Watch this. 871 00:39:05,260 --> 00:39:06,636 I hear you coming. 872 00:39:07,387 --> 00:39:09,263 You're long gone by the time I get there. 873 00:39:09,264 --> 00:39:12,182 - Yeah. - This is bad for a killer. 874 00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:13,642 - Hey. - What about dancing? 875 00:39:13,643 --> 00:39:15,644 I'm not a dancer. You're a dancer. 876 00:39:15,645 --> 00:39:17,646 He's a very good dancer. 877 00:39:17,647 --> 00:39:19,940 Yeah, it's gonna take getting used to. 878 00:39:19,941 --> 00:39:22,443 But, yeah, these are wooden shoes. 879 00:39:23,278 --> 00:39:24,988 These are shoes that are made of wood. 880 00:39:26,239 --> 00:39:30,284 Roel didn't realize that I was about to blast his clog business 881 00:39:30,285 --> 00:39:32,077 into the stratosphere. 882 00:39:32,078 --> 00:39:33,620 Check it out, Roel. 883 00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:36,790 Crogs--all the comfort of a clog, 884 00:39:36,791 --> 00:39:39,294 all the ugliness of a Croc. 885 00:39:45,091 --> 00:39:46,301 Your name is? 886 00:39:47,093 --> 00:39:48,635 Jonathan. And you are from? 887 00:39:48,636 --> 00:39:49,720 Okay, Sweden. 888 00:39:49,721 --> 00:39:53,558 Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Oh, these guys are so mad at me. 889 00:39:56,477 --> 00:39:57,896 Oh, you have a girlfriend? 890 00:39:59,314 --> 00:40:00,814 Oh, incredible. 891 00:40:00,815 --> 00:40:03,317 Jonathan from Sweden road up alongside of me, 892 00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:05,986 ditching his girlfriend, who's on a bike. 893 00:40:05,987 --> 00:40:07,863 She doesn't know where you are now. 894 00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:09,698 Probably don't have a girlfriend anymore. 895 00:40:09,699 --> 00:40:13,452 I'm gonna tell you for a fact you do not have a girlfriend anymore. 896 00:40:13,453 --> 00:40:16,121 - How did you meet your girlfriend? - I met her on an app. 897 00:40:16,122 --> 00:40:17,332 I can do it again. 898 00:40:18,333 --> 00:40:23,128 Wow. Okay, well, ladies, this is what awaits you. 899 00:40:23,129 --> 00:40:24,922 I think this is a great guy 900 00:40:24,923 --> 00:40:28,216 as long as there's never any celebrity distraction, you know? 901 00:40:28,217 --> 00:40:29,343 That is a big risk. 902 00:40:29,344 --> 00:40:31,136 Yeah, you could have a wife and three kids, 903 00:40:31,137 --> 00:40:33,555 and if you saw Erik Estrada on the other side of the street, 904 00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:35,724 - bang, that family's over. - True. 905 00:40:35,725 --> 00:40:37,309 That's an old reference, but look it up. 906 00:40:37,310 --> 00:40:42,314 The Netherlands plays a critical role in the administration of global justice. 907 00:40:42,315 --> 00:40:44,816 I'm in the Hague, the capital of the Netherlands. 908 00:40:44,817 --> 00:40:47,819 Behind me is the International Court of Justice. 909 00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:51,156 Famously, this is where worldwide criminals, 910 00:40:51,157 --> 00:40:54,326 despots, and murderers are held to account. 911 00:40:54,327 --> 00:40:57,079 They are put on trial, and when they have the-- 912 00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:59,748 - Excuse me, sir, are you Conan O'Brien? - Yes, I am, would you-- 913 00:40:59,749 --> 00:41:00,958 I'm afraid you have to come with us, sir. 914 00:41:00,959 --> 00:41:02,167 - No, I don't have to go you. - Come with us, sir. 915 00:41:02,168 --> 00:41:04,753 I do not have to go with--No, I don't think I have to go with you at all. 916 00:41:04,754 --> 00:41:06,464 - Come with us, sir. Come. - No. 917 00:41:08,174 --> 00:41:10,968 We now go to the International Court of Justice, 918 00:41:10,969 --> 00:41:12,761 trial 489-- 919 00:41:12,762 --> 00:41:15,765 every country of the world versus Conan O'Brien. 920 00:41:20,311 --> 00:41:23,188 Your Honors, for years, 921 00:41:23,189 --> 00:41:25,857 the defendant, Conan O'Brien, 922 00:41:25,858 --> 00:41:27,442 has traveled the globe 923 00:41:27,443 --> 00:41:31,780 committing offenses in the name of so-called comedy. 924 00:41:31,781 --> 00:41:35,785 Luckily for us, he was foolish enough to record all of his crimes. 925 00:41:42,875 --> 00:41:44,127 Oh, my God. 926 00:41:48,923 --> 00:41:50,425 He's faster than I thought. 927 00:42:01,394 --> 00:42:03,812 In my defense, I will say this. 928 00:42:03,813 --> 00:42:06,857 I have great respect for the Netherlands. 929 00:42:06,858 --> 00:42:09,235 "Great respect for the Netherlands"? 930 00:42:13,865 --> 00:42:15,907 You must be Edam 'cause you're no Gouda. 931 00:42:15,908 --> 00:42:18,243 Wait a minute. Where did you get that footage? 932 00:42:18,244 --> 00:42:20,038 We shot that, like, an hour ago. 933 00:42:20,663 --> 00:42:22,622 Who gave 'em the footage? 934 00:42:22,623 --> 00:42:25,334 Is my team helping you? Guys! 935 00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:41,475 And, finally, Your Honors, I present to you 936 00:42:41,476 --> 00:42:44,478 the defendant's most egregious of crimes... 937 00:42:44,479 --> 00:42:46,063 singing. 938 00:42:46,064 --> 00:42:47,522 Singing's not a crime. 939 00:42:47,523 --> 00:42:49,066 It wasn't... 940 00:42:49,067 --> 00:42:50,318 until now. 941 00:42:52,278 --> 00:42:55,072 ♪ I'm turning around ♪ 942 00:42:55,073 --> 00:42:58,617 ♪ Like Julie Andrews ♪ 943 00:42:58,618 --> 00:43:00,870 ♪ I'm looking at the fjord ♪ 944 00:43:02,872 --> 00:43:04,749 ♪ There's salmon in the sea ♪ 945 00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:30,482 Well, Mr. O'Brien, do you have anything to say in your defense? 946 00:43:30,483 --> 00:43:33,902 Your Honors, I never meant to hurt 947 00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,238 or cause a global rift. 948 00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:38,324 And I always thought that singing... 949 00:43:39,283 --> 00:43:43,912 ♪ Was my greatest gift ♪ 950 00:43:43,913 --> 00:43:46,540 ♪ I like to sing ♪ 951 00:43:46,541 --> 00:43:48,708 ♪ I like to croon ♪ 952 00:43:48,709 --> 00:43:53,131 ♪ I like to rhyme the words June with moon ♪ 953 00:43:53,673 --> 00:43:57,718 ♪ If that's a crime, then so it be ♪ 954 00:43:58,302 --> 00:44:03,141 ♪ Lock me up and throw away the key ♪ 955 00:44:29,542 --> 00:44:30,834 Hi, Conan. 956 00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:34,004 I think I have at least managed to patch things up with Hannah. 957 00:44:34,005 --> 00:44:36,673 Well, I will never forget you abandoning me, 958 00:44:36,674 --> 00:44:39,176 but lots of flowers and chocolates later, 959 00:44:39,177 --> 00:44:42,305 I guess the relationship technically still lives on. 960 00:44:43,181 --> 00:44:44,599 Thanks, Conan. 961 00:44:45,766 --> 00:44:48,603 Wait, is that Kathy Griffin? 962 00:45:10,750 --> 00:45:12,877 This is deranged.