1 00:00:00,959 --> 00:00:02,627 [TV static drones] 2 00:00:02,628 --> 00:00:04,963 [bright tone] 3 00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:09,133 - Earth. 4 00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:12,470 A cradle for unimaginable beauty 5 00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:15,806 and staggering wonder. 6 00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:19,560 Incomprehensible, overwhelming, 7 00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:23,064 this planet mocks our feeble power 8 00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:24,815 to describe it. 9 00:00:24,816 --> 00:00:27,944 Yes, to truly appreciate 10 00:00:27,945 --> 00:00:31,447 the astounding grandeur of this planet, 11 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:35,201 sometimes you must defile it. 12 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:38,621 Behold the defiler. 13 00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:40,831 His character is vile, 14 00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:44,502 base, and depraved. 15 00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:46,921 Once a proud talk-show host, 16 00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:50,591 he has been driven by a changing ecosystem 17 00:00:50,592 --> 00:00:53,886 to a drier and harsher climate-- 18 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:56,514 the weekly podcast. 19 00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:59,809 Here, without the nourishment 20 00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:02,186 of his studio audience, 21 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:06,524 this clown with dull, tiny eyes, 22 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:09,860 the eyes of a crudely painted doll, 23 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:14,198 is forced to feed on that meagerest of morsels-- 24 00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,784 the random call-in fan. 25 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:22,248 Unhinged by the feral scent of their mild enthusiasm, 26 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:26,627 he scavenges in distant lands uninvited, 27 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:30,381 fueled by a bottomless hunger for recognition 28 00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:32,758 and the occasional selfie. 29 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,720 [dramatic orchestral music] 30 00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:40,725 ♪ ♪ 31 00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:43,561 This is madness. 32 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:45,646 This is lunacy. 33 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:47,566 This is chaos. 34 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:55,907 This is "Conan O'Brien Must Go." 35 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:03,205 - Amsterdam is one of the most beautiful cities in Europe. 36 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:04,790 On the day I landed, 37 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:07,084 the locals were all wearing orange. 38 00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:09,253 But I was shocked to learn 39 00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:11,547 it wasn't to celebrate my arrival. 40 00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:12,590 This is Beau. 41 00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:15,217 Beau, tell me--everyone's wearing orange, 42 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:17,345 what's going on? - It's the king's birthday. 43 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:19,013 - King's birthday, and it's called King's Day. 44 00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,097 - It's called King's Day, yeah. 45 00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:21,932 - And we wear orange because those are the colors 46 00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:23,809 of the Netherlands. - Of the Netherlands, yeah. 47 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,686 - Yeah, okay. And how do people celebrate today? 48 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:26,854 - The plan is they drink a lot... 49 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,814 [laughs] First of all. - Drink a lot, okay. 50 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,941 - And they sell stuff. 51 00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:33,569 So everything that's in your basement or anything, 52 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,404 just put it out on the street and sell it. 53 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,281 - And that's how you celebrate the king, is you take 54 00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,909 all the shit in your house... - Yeah, yeah. 55 00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:41,786 - And you just throw it on the sidewalk and sell it? 56 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:43,245 - Yeah. - Everywhere you go, bikes. 57 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,122 Bikes everywhere, I've always known that about Amsterdam. 58 00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:46,666 - It's more bikes than people, actually. 59 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,125 - Really? - Yeah. 60 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,460 And there are a lot in the canals. 61 00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:50,628 - They throw bikes into the canal? 62 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:51,879 - Yeah. 63 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,839 - Have you ever seen people throw boats into the bike lane? 64 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,466 - [laughs] No. Never. - No? 65 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,967 - What a great national sport here. 66 00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:58,469 People toss bikes into the canal. 67 00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,471 Do you think that will be an Olympic sport one day? 68 00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:02,181 - It can be, yeah. - Okay. 69 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,224 You're just very agreeable. 70 00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:05,101 You say yes to everything. I love that. 71 00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:07,478 Will you marry me? - [laughs] No. 72 00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:09,021 - Wow, that was quick. - Yeah. 73 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,857 - So everyone just sells stuff? - Yeah. 74 00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:14,485 - And it could be anything. - It could be anything. 75 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:15,653 - You know? Look at this. Look. 76 00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:16,987 - Sometimes it's like small treasures. 77 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,823 - Look at this. A "Married... with"-- 78 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:19,990 This is a small treasure? 79 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,659 You have a lot of these "Married... with Childrens." 80 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,202 Have you watched all of these? 81 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,912 - It's fun to have it, not to watch it. 82 00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:26,664 - Oh, you don't even watch these. 83 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,749 You just like to have them? - I think so. 84 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,042 - Yeah. - Yeah. 85 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,545 - Very beautiful, the things you have. 86 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:35,214 I mean... not really. 87 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,716 Happy King's Day. 88 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,175 - I know you're a big supporter of the king. 89 00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:39,510 - Thank you. - Aah! 90 00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:42,513 - Aah! - It's me as a child. 91 00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:44,306 Hi, time-traveling Conan, how are you? 92 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:46,142 - Good. - Yeah. Good, yeah. 93 00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:49,311 What'd you buy? - Look at this funny thing. 94 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,688 It's like a car. 95 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:52,273 - What are you gonna do with this? 96 00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:53,524 - I'm not sure yet. - [laughs] 97 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:54,608 - Yeah, yeah. 98 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:56,026 Okay, well, you've clearly had a nervous breakdown. 99 00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:57,361 - Yeah. [laughter] 100 00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,196 - Look. Look what he got. 101 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,906 Isn't that great? [dog barks] 102 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,908 - There we go. - This is a crap-sniffing dog. 103 00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,452 What is your name? - Nikita. 104 00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:06,370 - What's your deal, Nikita? What you all about? 105 00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:07,413 - I don't know. 106 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,540 I'm just here with my friends looking for stuff. 107 00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:11,167 - No drinking today, okay? - Of course. 108 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:13,169 - You don't drink yet, do you? - No, no, no. 109 00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:15,337 - Did you ever have a drink? - Accidentally, yes. 110 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,547 - "Accidentally"? 111 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:20,217 - Some Serbian alcohol was in a Coca-Cola bottle. 112 00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,261 - Oh, I hate it when that happens. 113 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,263 Okay, guys, I just bought you these. 114 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,264 It's a whole bunch 115 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,016 of "Married... With Children" episodes. 116 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:29,894 About 15 years before you were born, this was a big thing. 117 00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:32,229 Okay? These are all for you. 118 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,315 Do you have a DVD player? all: No. 119 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,734 - Then throw these in the canal immediately. 120 00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:38,360 Hey, man, what's your name? - Storm. 121 00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:39,904 - Where are you from, Storm? - Netherlands. 122 00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,405 - Netherlands. 123 00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,282 Is this how you dress all year long or just today? 124 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,575 - Just today. 125 00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:46,368 - And you're a forensic accountant? 126 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:47,745 - What? - Nothing. 127 00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:50,039 - This is, like, where you go to buy all the good stuff. 128 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,957 - Be honest. Mostly what I've seen is crap. 129 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,250 - Look at this. I got this mask. 130 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,502 - You got what? - This mask. 131 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,337 - Oh, you just bought this mask? Okay. 132 00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:59,673 - And we got the "Mona Lisa," a great classic piece of art. 133 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:02,176 - You know this isn't the real "Mona Lisa," don't you? 134 00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,636 - Oh, really? [laughs] 135 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,137 - Wait, you bought this? - Yeah. 136 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,264 - And what are you gonna do with this? Be honest. 137 00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:09,642 - Transform the energy in some kind of freaky way. 138 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,143 That's what the guy told me. 139 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,145 - Hey, I can't believe you got this incredible haul. 140 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,773 You got this thing. You got the "Mona Lisa" puzzle. 141 00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:16,774 - Yeah. 142 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:18,776 - You got some bubble wrap and a wolf mask. 143 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:20,277 - And this. - And then this guy. 144 00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:22,988 - Oh, wow. You are cleaning up. - Yeah. 145 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,782 - Where are you from originally? 146 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,033 - Texas. - Oh, wow. 147 00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:27,660 [laughter] 148 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:30,287 And, gee, why didn't you fit in in Texas? 149 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,580 [laughter] 150 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,374 So, when you showed up with him and said, 151 00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:34,875 this is the man I want to marry, 152 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:36,544 your parents from the Netherlands said...? 153 00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:39,338 - Yeah, are you sure? It's an artist. I mean-- 154 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,798 - Yeah. - Yeah. 155 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:43,425 - Hey, but, look, he turned out to be a really reasonable guy. 156 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:45,177 - Yeah, I got good deals on this. 157 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,804 Where's your orange? 158 00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:49,306 [lively Dutch folk music] 159 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,976 - I was already starting to feel at home in Amsterdam. 160 00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:53,269 - All right, have a nice day. 161 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,687 Enjoy King's Day. - You too. All right. 162 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,814 - I just needed one more accessory. 163 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,816 The best way to see Amsterdam is on a bike, 164 00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,401 and not just any bike. 165 00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:03,153 You want to find a black bicycle 166 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:06,657 that a 110-year-old woman would ride. 167 00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:09,910 Bikes here aren't that sexy, but they get the job done. 168 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,662 - Do you mind if I take a selfie? 169 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,664 - Not at all. Hi, there. 170 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,374 Let's take a selfie, and go. 171 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,710 Hey, nice to meet you, man. 172 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,004 There's nothing more romantic than riding 173 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:23,674 along the canals in Amsterdam by yourself, 174 00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:25,843 talking into a camera. 175 00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:28,095 To me, that's the height of romance. 176 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:29,430 Hello. - Hello. 177 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,056 - How are you? - Fine. How are you? 178 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,516 - You are the best-looking couple. 179 00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:33,767 - Thank you. 180 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:35,185 - Yeah, you're like supermodels. 181 00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:36,395 - Thank you. 182 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,106 - When you get married, promise me it will be both of you 183 00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,316 on one bicycle. - We will. 184 00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,860 - Congratulations on being so freakin' good-looking. 185 00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:44,528 - Thank you. - Enjoy your lives. 186 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:45,863 - You too. - Thank you. 187 00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:46,864 - Bye-bye. 188 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:49,074 Amsterdam is full of beautiful people. 189 00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:52,912 And one of them is even a fan of mine. 190 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,663 - Hey, Conan, it's Maaike, 191 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:57,082 and I'm calling from Amsterdam, the Netherlands. 192 00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,459 - Hi, Maaike, How are you? 193 00:06:58,460 --> 00:06:59,877 - I'm very good. How are you? 194 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,879 Thank you for pronouncing my name correctly. Wow. 195 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,547 - You seem like a lovely person. 196 00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:04,965 Tell me what you do. 197 00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:07,468 - I work as a high-fashion model. 198 00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:08,719 - Oh, my God. - Whoa. 199 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,095 - Are you tall? 200 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,639 Many models have to be a certain height. 201 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,849 - I'm 6 feet. How tall are you? 202 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,601 - Oh, my Lord. I'm 6'4". 203 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:18,187 But if I've got gel in the hair, I'm 6'7", 6'8". 204 00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,355 - Oh. 205 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,357 - I know that I'm a little long in the tooth. 206 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:22,733 I'm an older gentleman. 207 00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,902 But do you think I could be a model? 208 00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:26,570 Do you think I have what it takes? 209 00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:27,613 - I think yes. 210 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,740 And you've compared yourself to Tilda Swinton, 211 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:33,494 which I think is the most gorgeous human on this world. 212 00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,329 - I'm considered a god in Finland. 213 00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:38,165 Did you know that? Finland, the Finns love me. 214 00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:42,295 - Great. Yeah. [laughter] 215 00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:45,714 - Wow. 216 00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:48,300 Maaike, I really like talking to you. 217 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,469 You're very funny, and you're very cool. 218 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,553 You take care. 219 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:54,556 [gentle Dutch folk music] 220 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:57,393 ♪ ♪ 221 00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:58,769 Maaike? - Conan? 222 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,270 - Yeah. How are you? - I'm very good. 223 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:02,231 How are you doing? - Thanks for meeting me. 224 00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,608 How are you? Nice to see you. - Great to see you. I'm good. 225 00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,944 I'd like to learn a little bit about being a fashion model, 226 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:09,196 if that's possible. - I can help you with that. 227 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:10,864 - Meeting me just now... - Yeah. 228 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:13,117 - Any immediate thoughts? Anything surprise you? 229 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,952 - I want to say something about your hair, 230 00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:17,579 but I'm not sure what. 231 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,581 It's quite like... 232 00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:20,958 jumpy. - "Jumpy"? 233 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,251 - Yeah. - Yeah. 234 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,586 It'll calm down, get relaxed. - That's what I was thinking. 235 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,588 - When I first meet women, it gets very high. 236 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,257 - Yeah, okay. Oh, okay. - And then it settles down. 237 00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,092 - This is it, right here, huh? - This is it. 238 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:31,719 - How old were you when you started modeling? 239 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,470 - 13. - 13. 240 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:35,723 A lot of people when they're 13 are self-conscious. 241 00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:36,807 - Yeah. 242 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,143 - If you can believe it, when I was 13, 243 00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:41,770 I felt unattractive and weird. 244 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:42,814 - Yeah. 245 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:47,484 - If you can believe it. 246 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,570 - Whoa. - Um... 247 00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:52,865 - [chuckles] That's crazy, man. [laughter] 248 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:55,159 - This is you with very short hair. 249 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,493 - Yeah. 250 00:08:56,494 --> 00:09:00,914 - This look looks like you just married Beelzebub in hell-- 251 00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:02,624 very "Edward Scissorhands." 252 00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:05,461 - I like it. An editorial. - Oh, my God, look at you. 253 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,379 You look very fierce there. - Yeah. 254 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,841 - I do think there's a lot of performance involved. 255 00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,468 And that might be where I have a leg up, 256 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:13,552 because I am a performer. 257 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,054 - You are a performer, after all. 258 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,556 - And I am a shapeshifter. - Yeah. 259 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,976 - I can be an uptight nerd or a highly strung nerd. 260 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,144 - Yeah. 261 00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,645 - I can be a really anxious nerd. 262 00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:24,730 - Yeah. 263 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:27,316 - I can be sort of a creepy nerd. 264 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:29,860 - Yeah. - What do you think I could do? 265 00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:32,237 - Like, hand model or something. 266 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,032 - What are you talking about? That's not a good hand. 267 00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:38,619 - For a medical something, like a device, a cream. 268 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:40,037 [laughs] - Oh. 269 00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,872 Oh, you look at these hands and say, 270 00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:44,750 oh, you could sell some kind of cream that cures scabies? 271 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:45,834 - I'm sorry. 272 00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:48,295 I told you before, we're gonna make this work. 273 00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:51,090 Your face and your shoulders 274 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,884 should remain relaxed. 275 00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:55,135 That was good. 276 00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:57,262 Your face was great. Your arms were a bit weird. 277 00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:58,430 Can I imitate? - Yeah. 278 00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,431 - Okay. 279 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,850 - I'm going for robot that's been sent 280 00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:05,395 from the future to destroy someone in the past 281 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,106 so that the future is altered. 282 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,858 That's what I was going for. - Okay, I like your thinking. 283 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,527 - Yeah. - Think less. 284 00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:14,404 - I have a very prominent eye vein right here. 285 00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:16,448 Can you see it? It sticks out. 286 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:17,699 - Yeah. 287 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,577 - And is that gonna stop me from being a model? 288 00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:24,456 - I think this is the least of your worries. 289 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,291 - So what would be my top worry? 290 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,418 Let's talk about the face. And be honest. 291 00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:31,088 - What do you think is your biggest problem, 292 00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:32,381 except for the vein? 293 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:35,342 - [laughing] "Except for the vein"? 294 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,677 - Yeah. - Okay. 295 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:39,930 I think kind of beady eyes, thin lips, 296 00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:42,432 just a creepy demeanor, 297 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:45,018 you know, a bulb on the end of my nose, 298 00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:49,022 very thin space between my mouth and my nose. 299 00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:52,401 I think my head's all fucked up. 300 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:56,697 I think I got a weird just overall look. 301 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:57,781 I don't know. 302 00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,116 - There's someone here 303 00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:02,119 that could maybe help you a little bit, a real... 304 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,287 male model. 305 00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:05,122 So this is Nilo. - Morning. 306 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,582 - Oh, hey, Nilo. - Hi, there, Conan. 307 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,958 - How are you? Nice to see you. - I'm very well. 308 00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:09,835 Have you had people stop you and say, 309 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,628 hey, you look like Conan O'Brien? 310 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,173 - Mm, not really. 311 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,591 [camera shutter clicks] 312 00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:17,759 - Nilo, are you jealous of anything that I have? 313 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,344 Anything? - Your hair. 314 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:20,762 - Oh. - A little more. 315 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:22,139 - A little more? - Yeah. 316 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:24,141 - Um... 317 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:26,685 I see you have life experience. 318 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,313 [laughter] 319 00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:30,981 - You look, and you see experience. 320 00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,357 - Yes. 321 00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,151 - Which some women find very attractive. 322 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,445 Harrison Ford, he's, like, 82 years old. 323 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:38,155 No one's criticizing him. 324 00:11:38,156 --> 00:11:40,157 - But maybe Harrison Ford is not asking strangers 325 00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,366 to judge him. 326 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,535 [laughter] 327 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:46,747 Put me next to someone who's 50 years younger and compare. 328 00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,832 You think that's what Harrison Ford's doing? 329 00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,584 - I don't know what he does in his spare time. 330 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:52,377 - Me neither. - He might have a whole garage 331 00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:53,754 that's packed with young people, 332 00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:56,173 and he stands next to 'em and says, what about this guy? 333 00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,883 And his wife, Calista Flockhart, 334 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,760 is like, I don't know, what's the big difference? 335 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,595 He's like, what do you mean, what's the big difference? 336 00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,013 Tell me I look good. 337 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,681 Maybe he's doing that all night long. 338 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:07,017 I want you to tell me that I'm the most beautiful man 339 00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:08,852 you've ever seen-- would that kill you? 340 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,187 - You're-- [clears throat] 341 00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:13,023 Conan, you're the most beautiful man... 342 00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:14,566 [laughing] I've ever seen. 343 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,694 [laughter] - Even I couldn't handle it. 344 00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:20,530 [laughter continues] 345 00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:22,366 - This is a designer called Diek. 346 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:23,825 - Hey, Diek. - He has his own brand. 347 00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:25,035 - How are you? - Nice to meet you. 348 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,161 - What do you think, Maaike? 349 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:27,663 - I think you look more confident 350 00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:28,747 the moment you put it on. 351 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,582 - I do feel more confident. - Yeah. 352 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,668 - I look like I'm on "Miami Vice," 353 00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:35,087 but I also just won the Nobel Peace Prize. 354 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,421 What is this? 355 00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:39,383 - It's actually a picture of my desk that I work on every day. 356 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:41,426 - I have a natural fear of woodpeckers, 357 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,428 so I don't think I can wear this. 358 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:44,805 Yeah, it's a little floppy, 359 00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,598 so you can't see that I work out. 360 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,433 - Exactly, that's a bummer. 361 00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:52,062 [laughter] 362 00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:55,023 [electronic music] 363 00:12:55,024 --> 00:13:00,153 ♪ ♪ 364 00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:01,905 - It's a walk in the park for you. 365 00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,991 ♪ ♪ 366 00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:05,909 - I think I look like someone 367 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:09,663 who just flew first class on an international flight 368 00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,081 and stole the pajamas. 369 00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:13,417 I mean, let's talk about the magazines 370 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,585 you could get me work in-- be honest. 371 00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:16,586 - Oh. 372 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,255 - I mean, I'm not gonna be in a "Vogue." 373 00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:20,424 - Smartwatches. - Oh. 374 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,592 - You think I could get a smartwatch ad? 375 00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:24,219 - Yeah, I think, like-- 376 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,929 - You had concerns about my hands. 377 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,473 You think they're kind of dry and scaly and freckly. 378 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:29,766 What do you think? 379 00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,643 - You could get a stand-in for the hands. 380 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,478 - Okay, let's not show his face, 381 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,272 and let's get a stand-in for his hands? 382 00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:36,898 - Yeah. - What's left of me? 383 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:39,109 Now, suddenly, I'm just a torso model. 384 00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:40,902 And even that you're not too thrilled about. 385 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:43,280 I think we've achieved nothing here today. 386 00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:45,282 I flew a long way to see you. - Yeah. 387 00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:47,451 - You promised me you could help me out. 388 00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,161 And it's a wash. - I gave it my best shot. 389 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,163 - Did you? - No. 390 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,623 [laughter] 391 00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:56,293 [camera shutter clicking] 392 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,045 - Chin up a little bit more. 393 00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:04,927 ♪ ♪ 394 00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:11,350 - When you think Netherlands, you think tulips. 395 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,810 Isn't that right? - Absolutely. 396 00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:16,021 First sign of spring--that's why they're so popular. 397 00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:17,814 - I love it here, I have to say. 398 00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:21,151 I feel like I just took heroin. - [laughs] 399 00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:23,779 - And this is the last thing I'm gonna see 400 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,697 before I die, you know? 401 00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,492 - I do dream of the tulips at night also, so... 402 00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:30,369 - I dream of heroin. - [laughs] 403 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,329 - Quick question-- can I eat a tulip? 404 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:33,663 - I wouldn't recommend. 405 00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:35,332 You will get a bit of a stomach hurt, 406 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,334 and, well, it tastes really bad. 407 00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:40,003 I did try it one time, but wouldn't recommend. 408 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:42,506 - See, that's the word I want to get out. 409 00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:44,758 Tulips are pretty, but please don't eat tulips. 410 00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:49,513 Some celebrities of my stature say, we've got to fight cancer, 411 00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,765 or, we've got to feed hungry children. 412 00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,184 My thing is, don't eat tulips. 413 00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:56,020 - Don't do it. - Yeah, don't do it. 414 00:14:57,939 --> 00:14:59,982 - You'll be on the toilet all day? 415 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:03,944 - Hey, Romy, no one asked. 416 00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:06,029 Let's leave the diarrhea part out... 417 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,197 - Yeah, okay. 418 00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:09,366 - And your specific story of a little bit of diarrhea, 419 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,076 because then I'm thinking, how much is a little bit 420 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,619 of diarrhea, you know? - Yeah. 421 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,205 - And I don't want to know. So let's do this. 422 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:18,375 How about tulip eating, and then we look to camera 423 00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:21,044 and say, don't do it, and we both cross our arms. 424 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,046 Could you do that with me? - Yes. 425 00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,881 - Ready? both: Tulip eating... 426 00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:27,217 don't do it. 427 00:15:27,218 --> 00:15:30,888 - There could be diarrhea, a small amount. 428 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:35,934 Way there in the distance, what is that right there? 429 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,353 - That's Tilly Tulip. She's our mascot. 430 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,439 - Oh, God. 431 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,692 Okay. So who is this? 432 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:46,570 - Also Tilly the Tulip. 433 00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,321 - You have a book? - Yes. 434 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:50,574 - And let me guess-- the book is for sale? 435 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:52,826 - Yes, of course. [chuckles] 436 00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:56,621 - I see. And how much is the book? 437 00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:58,498 10 euro. Okay, Tilly. 438 00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:00,417 Have you no shame? 439 00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:03,587 Tilly, do children ever get frightened when they see you? 440 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:04,629 Sometimes. 441 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,673 Oh, they cry, and they cover their eyes? 442 00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:08,800 Tilly, have you ever felt bad at the end of the day, 443 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,177 frightening children? 444 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:11,428 No, you don't care. 445 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:13,805 You know what we call you? A sociopath. 446 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,266 Eh, what are you gonna do? Yeah? 447 00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:18,018 Tilly, you're a frightening apparition 448 00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:19,895 from our possible future, 449 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,897 a future where we didn't take care of our planet 450 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:25,066 and Mother Nature became enraged. 451 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:26,651 Maybe 50 years from now, 452 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:29,946 there'll be millions of giant tulips hunting us down. 453 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,449 Yes, yes. Killing and killing again. 454 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:35,452 Destroying humanity, making humanity pay. 455 00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:37,412 Yes, that's your dream, isn't it, Tilly? 456 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:38,455 - [chuckles] 457 00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:41,249 - Wow, there's no evil act I can describe to Tilly. 458 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,502 Tilly when I was a young man, 459 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,587 I saw a hobo walking down the street, 460 00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:48,006 and I ran him down with my car and killed him. 461 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,799 Yeah, and I got away with it! 462 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,385 What do you think, Tilly? No, no, no? 463 00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,513 Okay, well, I think we can cut to you celebrating. 464 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,973 And I ran him down with my car and killed him. 465 00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,975 Yeah, and I got away with it. 466 00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,353 - Yeah, let's stop right here. Don't make it worse. 467 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,146 - Don't make it worse? - Yeah. 468 00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:04,898 - Well, you're talking to the wrong guy, 469 00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:07,984 'cause I love to make it worse. 470 00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:10,904 Tilly started as a stripper. 471 00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:13,156 - Oh, it's your mom! Oh, it's your mom! 472 00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:14,534 Oh, my God. 473 00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:18,328 This is amazing. 474 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:22,958 The breeze in my hair, that Amsterdam air, 475 00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:24,876 thinking of Cher. 476 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:28,004 I needed a rhyme, so now I'm thinking about Cher. 477 00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:31,841 ♪ If I could turn back time ♪ 478 00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:35,012 ♪ If I could find my way ♪ 479 00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,682 I'm just talking about Cher. 480 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,517 Hey, guy, how you doing? - Oh, my God! 481 00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:41,560 - How are you? 482 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,020 What are you doing here? - We're studying abroad. 483 00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:46,314 - You're not studying right now. 484 00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:48,984 You're totally screwing around. [laughter] 485 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,569 Where are you all from originally, if not-- 486 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,779 - Georgia. - University of Georgia. 487 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,030 - Can you say "go, Dawgs" for us? 488 00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:56,199 - Yeah, can you say "go Dawgs"? - What's in it for me? 489 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,118 - Smiles. - Love and light. 490 00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,369 - Yes! 491 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,871 Go, Dawgs! [all cheering] 492 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,832 [upbeat Dutch folk music] 493 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:07,085 - KLM is the official airlines here of the Netherlands. 494 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,879 And there's a cool thing about that airline. 495 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,382 If you fly business class, KLM gives you 496 00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:17,304 a tiny, little ceramic Delft Blue house. 497 00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:19,598 These have become a huge collector's item. 498 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,559 Think Beanie Babies if they were 499 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,769 a ceramic small house 500 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:27,230 that was offered in the Netherlands by an airline. 501 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:31,401 No one really owns all 106 except for one man. 502 00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:35,572 That man lives inside that little storage space behind me 503 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:37,032 with his son. 504 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,950 They don't really live in the storage space, 505 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,202 but I thought it sounded more dramatic. 506 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:45,540 [upbeat Dutch folk music] 507 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,125 This is Roger. - Roger. 508 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,252 - And this is his son Patrick. - Correct. 509 00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:51,129 - Do you live here in this storage facility? 510 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,298 - I live here next to it, the high rise. 511 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:55,800 - I understand, but it's a cooler story if you live 512 00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,594 in the storage facility. 513 00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:00,805 Can we just say that you live in the storage facility? 514 00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:01,931 - You can say. - Okay. 515 00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:03,350 - You can say what you want. 516 00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,101 - So you live here in the storage facility. 517 00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,102 - Yes. 518 00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:08,188 - And you only eat rodents that you find 519 00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:11,107 here in the storage facility. - No, I eat more. 520 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,817 - No, it's a better story if you say, 521 00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:14,445 yes, I eat the rodents. 522 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:19,699 You eat the rodents here in the storage facility. 523 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,452 - I do. - Perfect. 524 00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:24,037 - This is the Rembrandt House. 525 00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:26,081 - Oh, this is the Rembrandt House. 526 00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:27,582 - He lived there. He worked there. 527 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,167 And it's in the center of Amsterdam. 528 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,168 - Okay. 529 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,128 You have the Anne Frank house. Isn't that right? 530 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:33,630 - Yes. - Number 47. 531 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:34,798 - This is Anne Frank. 532 00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:36,299 - Is this one of the most sought after? 533 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,467 - Yeah. - Yeah. 534 00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:39,427 - People like it. Everybody wants it. 535 00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:42,806 This is the most important, Palace on the Dam Square. 536 00:19:42,807 --> 00:19:44,140 - Oh! 537 00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,643 So this is the most valuable house maybe. 538 00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:49,480 - Valuable, yes. - And what else is valuable? 539 00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:54,150 - We have this one. - This one, too, huh? 540 00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:56,277 - This is the Cheese House in-- 541 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:57,821 - Gouda. - Gouda. 542 00:19:57,822 --> 00:19:59,698 - If you're gonna have both of these, 543 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,533 then it's very, very valuable. - Yeah, it's nice. 544 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,536 Tennis House is in Heimstaden. - Tennis House. 545 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,663 - Yes. - Thank you. 546 00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:08,832 - Do you want something to put it in, 547 00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:10,834 that it doesn't harm? 548 00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:13,753 - You're the nicest guy ever. 549 00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,672 I'm stealing your most valuable homes, 550 00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:18,508 and you're offering me something to carry it in? 551 00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:20,093 - Yes, no problem. 552 00:20:20,094 --> 00:20:22,053 - I love this country. 553 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:24,514 Which is your personal favorite of all the houses? 554 00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,057 Do you have one? - Yes. 555 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,017 - Ooh, that's a pretty one. 556 00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:29,519 - Yes. - Ooh, look at this. 557 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,187 Look at this house. This is really pretty. 558 00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,148 Which one is this? - Number 69. 559 00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:35,400 That's why people like it. 560 00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:37,485 - Sir. 561 00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:40,071 I can't believe you'd make that joke. 562 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,865 - Yeah. 563 00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:43,700 So... 564 00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:46,536 - How do you feel now that you've made a 69 joke? 565 00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:49,123 - No, not bad. 566 00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,669 - I didn't realize I was in this kind of storage facility. 567 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,171 - Yes, it is. 568 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:59,591 - I would like to add extra ones to the collection. 569 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,886 These are the most significant buildings in America. 570 00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:05,305 This is a McDonald's. - Oh, that's nice. 571 00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,557 - Isn't that beautiful? - I like McDonald's. 572 00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:08,933 - Yeah, check this out. 573 00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:12,312 This is an Amazon fulfillment center right here. 574 00:21:12,313 --> 00:21:14,481 These are very popular in the United States. 575 00:21:14,482 --> 00:21:16,733 And, look, it has the little truck outside. 576 00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:18,651 You can even see the water bottles 577 00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:20,570 the employees are forced to piss in. 578 00:21:20,571 --> 00:21:23,782 A very famous one in America, that's the White House. 579 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,116 - Yes. 580 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,993 - And then a very special one, look at this, 581 00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:28,745 the White House ballroom... - Very nice. 582 00:21:28,746 --> 00:21:30,580 - Goes next to it. This is exactly the scale. 583 00:21:30,581 --> 00:21:32,874 So you have to get both in the collection. 584 00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:35,585 [gentle orchestral music] 585 00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:38,546 [heavy metal music] 586 00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:40,381 ♪ ♪ 587 00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:41,800 Some of the greatest painters 588 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,968 in history came from the Netherlands, 589 00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:47,430 including Rembrandt, Vermeer, and, of course-- 590 00:21:47,431 --> 00:21:49,307 [Dutch accent] I am Vincent van Gogh. 591 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:53,061 I am one of the most famous painters in the history of man. 592 00:21:53,062 --> 00:21:56,940 In my lifetime, I made no money off of my paintings. 593 00:21:56,941 --> 00:21:59,234 Since my death, my paintings have sold 594 00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:01,986 for many hundreds of millions of dollars apiece. 595 00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:04,030 I am really pissed about this. 596 00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:07,283 So I'm coming to the Van Gogh Gift Shop 597 00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:11,996 to get a cut of the merch, the money that is due me. 598 00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:13,833 I know you're in there! 599 00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:17,961 I just want a cut of the merch. 600 00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:20,129 T-shirts, bumper stickers. 601 00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:22,048 Oh, my God, look, you've got little fidget spinners 602 00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:23,633 that say "van Gogh." 603 00:22:23,634 --> 00:22:26,803 I want my money! 604 00:22:26,804 --> 00:22:29,472 [kicking door] 605 00:22:29,473 --> 00:22:31,391 Oh, fuck, a guy's coming. 606 00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:35,478 [suspenseful orchestral music] 607 00:22:35,479 --> 00:22:37,146 Oh, man. 608 00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:39,649 What the hell? Look at that. 609 00:22:39,650 --> 00:22:42,151 I never held a-- Well, I held hot dogs a lot. 610 00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:45,154 I loved hot dogs, but they didn't have Coca-Cola yet. 611 00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:46,948 Back then, they just had-- 612 00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:49,158 Well, they had Dr Pepper. I like Dr Pepper. 613 00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:51,369 Everybody makes money off van Gogh. 614 00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:53,663 Who doesn't make a bit of money is me. 615 00:22:53,664 --> 00:22:57,041 Why? Oh, "because I'm dead." 616 00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:58,334 Legal loophole. 617 00:22:58,335 --> 00:23:01,045 [suspenseful orchestral music] 618 00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:07,427 ♪ ♪ 619 00:23:07,428 --> 00:23:08,928 Hello, may I come in and speak? 620 00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:10,930 - No, it's not possible right now. 621 00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:13,266 - It's not possible? My name is Vincent van Gogh. 622 00:23:13,267 --> 00:23:16,519 I made all this stuff. I made nothing in my lifetime. 623 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,271 And now suddenly I can't even come 624 00:23:18,272 --> 00:23:19,898 into the "Van Gogh Museum"? 625 00:23:19,899 --> 00:23:21,190 It's my museum! 626 00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:22,859 Oh, now they bring out the big guns. 627 00:23:22,860 --> 00:23:24,277 Oh, this guy will be fun. 628 00:23:24,278 --> 00:23:28,364 I should get to come in. I made these paintings myself. 629 00:23:28,365 --> 00:23:31,910 I had a terrible lifetime. I had gonorrhea, syphilis. 630 00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:33,870 I might have had some kind of lead poisoning 631 00:23:33,871 --> 00:23:35,830 that made me go a little cuckoo. 632 00:23:35,831 --> 00:23:38,207 Oh, suddenly he's got a little diary he's writing in. 633 00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:40,710 "Dear diary, today I met Vincent van Gogh, 634 00:23:40,711 --> 00:23:42,545 and I kicked him out of his own museum." 635 00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:44,839 - Make some way if people want to leave. 636 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,716 - Make some way so people can leave? 637 00:23:46,717 --> 00:23:48,885 Okay. All right. I'm sorry. 638 00:23:48,886 --> 00:23:51,346 Come on out, everybody. Come on. 639 00:23:51,347 --> 00:23:54,432 Hope you liked my museum. - Nice job. 640 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:55,558 - How much did you pay? 641 00:23:55,559 --> 00:23:57,352 - Hi. - 25 euro. 642 00:23:57,353 --> 00:23:59,062 - 25 euro? I get nothing! 643 00:23:59,063 --> 00:24:02,523 Hello, can I just have a little something for my trouble? 644 00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:03,900 Thank you. 645 00:24:03,901 --> 00:24:06,402 [laughter] 646 00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:07,737 - Nothing? 647 00:24:07,738 --> 00:24:09,572 Did you like my paintings? - Amazing. 648 00:24:09,573 --> 00:24:11,491 - Did you like them? Those are the early ones. 649 00:24:11,492 --> 00:24:12,909 They're not even the good ones. 650 00:24:12,910 --> 00:24:14,661 I hope you had a good time at my museum. 651 00:24:14,662 --> 00:24:16,162 - Yes, great pictures. - Guess what. 652 00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:17,497 They won't even let me in. 653 00:24:17,498 --> 00:24:19,958 Never grow up. It's awful. 654 00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:22,293 Don't be a painter, little girl. 655 00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:24,338 Get into corporate law! - [laughs] 656 00:24:26,507 --> 00:24:28,091 - Hello. Oh, I remember you. 657 00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:29,592 [laughter] 658 00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:31,344 You were something. Remember? 659 00:24:31,345 --> 00:24:33,096 Oh, suddenly she doesn't remember. 660 00:24:33,097 --> 00:24:34,305 Oh. 661 00:24:34,306 --> 00:24:36,432 Okay. Vincent van who? 662 00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:38,726 Oh, she was crazy, man. 663 00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:40,311 That was a crazy chick. 664 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,938 Did you like my work? - Yes, I did. 665 00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,773 - Was it very good? - Yeah, I was very moved. 666 00:24:43,774 --> 00:24:45,984 - What are they charging for these? 667 00:24:45,985 --> 00:24:47,110 - 125 each. - 12-- 668 00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:48,277 - [speaks indistinctly] 669 00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:49,487 - Oh, I got to go, huh? - Yeah. 670 00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:51,239 - Okay. No hard feelings. 671 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,157 Thank you so much. No hard feelings. 672 00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:54,993 - Bye. - Listen, I get it. 673 00:24:54,994 --> 00:24:57,286 A guy paints some stuff, he goes a little crazy, 674 00:24:57,287 --> 00:24:58,955 cuts off his ear. 675 00:24:58,956 --> 00:25:00,415 Yeah, it wasn't good. 676 00:25:00,416 --> 00:25:02,583 I shouldn't have done the ear. That was a mistake. 677 00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:04,627 What a sad end for van Gogh. 678 00:25:04,628 --> 00:25:07,630 [somber orchestral music] 679 00:25:07,631 --> 00:25:14,680 ♪ ♪ 680 00:25:20,185 --> 00:25:25,148 ♪ ♪ 681 00:25:25,149 --> 00:25:27,316 [Dutch folk music] 682 00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:31,404 [horn honks, bell rings] 683 00:25:31,405 --> 00:25:32,989 - [normal voice] Okay. 684 00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:35,825 Just missed being killed by a trolley. 685 00:25:35,826 --> 00:25:37,285 But what a way to go. 686 00:25:37,286 --> 00:25:40,204 People take their most precious cargo, which is their children, 687 00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:42,999 and they pack them into the front of their bicycle. 688 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,168 Here we go--another guy with his whole family 689 00:25:45,169 --> 00:25:47,712 packed into a small box in the front of his bike. 690 00:25:47,713 --> 00:25:50,006 Children here are... 691 00:25:50,007 --> 00:25:52,800 they're sort of like airbags in a car. 692 00:25:52,801 --> 00:25:56,512 This is Fietsdepot, where bicycles are brought 693 00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:57,805 if they've been impounded. 694 00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,183 You, sir, are Martin? - Yes, that's correct. 695 00:26:00,184 --> 00:26:01,726 You are Jaya. - Correct. 696 00:26:01,727 --> 00:26:03,895 - Bicycles anywhere in the city, 697 00:26:03,896 --> 00:26:07,190 if they're parked illegally, they are taken away 698 00:26:07,191 --> 00:26:08,649 and they are brought here. 699 00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:10,068 - Yes. - Correct. 700 00:26:10,069 --> 00:26:14,197 - Is it fair to say it's a veritable boneyard of bicycles? 701 00:26:14,198 --> 00:26:15,865 - Ah, you could say so. 702 00:26:15,866 --> 00:26:18,117 - You know what I find hard to believe? 703 00:26:18,118 --> 00:26:21,871 Who would take this bike and impound it? 704 00:26:21,872 --> 00:26:24,082 What kind of cruel monster? 705 00:26:24,083 --> 00:26:26,876 Think of the little boy or girl who-- 706 00:26:26,877 --> 00:26:30,588 Probably girl, but it's not important. 707 00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:32,381 Anyone can have any bike they want. 708 00:26:32,382 --> 00:26:36,260 And if a little boy wants this pink bike, then so be it. 709 00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:38,971 Does it keep you up at night that this bike was impounded? 710 00:26:38,972 --> 00:26:40,890 - To be honest, no. - No. 711 00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:42,934 - You must have people show up who are unhappy. 712 00:26:42,935 --> 00:26:44,060 - Yes. - Of course, yes. 713 00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:45,728 - Because they have to travel a long way to get here. 714 00:26:45,729 --> 00:26:47,021 - Okay. 715 00:26:47,022 --> 00:26:49,065 - And then you also have to pay for your bicycle. 716 00:26:49,066 --> 00:26:52,068 - I'd like to see how you deal with these angry customers, 717 00:26:52,069 --> 00:26:53,069 if it's okay. 718 00:26:53,070 --> 00:26:55,279 Aah! My bicycle! - Is this your bike? 719 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,697 - This is my bicycle! 720 00:26:56,698 --> 00:26:58,741 - Well, aren't you glad that your bicycle is here? 721 00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:01,244 - No, you cut the lock! - We did cut the lock. 722 00:27:01,245 --> 00:27:04,080 - My grandmother made me this lock! 723 00:27:04,081 --> 00:27:06,791 She made it for me and you cut my lock? 724 00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:08,918 - That's such-- - Why? 725 00:27:08,919 --> 00:27:12,713 Why you take my bicycle? - Oh, my gosh. 726 00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:14,757 - Why? 727 00:27:14,758 --> 00:27:16,551 My heart. My heart. 728 00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:18,803 - Take it easy. - I have pills in my pocket. 729 00:27:18,804 --> 00:27:21,514 Get the pills. Get the pills. Get the pills. 730 00:27:21,515 --> 00:27:23,683 Give me the pill! Give me the pill. 731 00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:25,351 - Here you go. - Wrong pill! 732 00:27:25,352 --> 00:27:27,937 - [laughs] - Aah! You kill me! 733 00:27:27,938 --> 00:27:29,647 You kill me! I curse you! 734 00:27:29,648 --> 00:27:31,107 - How many pills you have? 735 00:27:31,108 --> 00:27:32,942 - Aah! Does that ever happen? 736 00:27:32,943 --> 00:27:34,026 - No. - Never. 737 00:27:34,027 --> 00:27:36,279 - You guys keep the bike for how long? 738 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,030 - We keep the bike for four weeks. 739 00:27:38,031 --> 00:27:40,950 And wrecked bikes we keep for two weeks. 740 00:27:40,951 --> 00:27:42,785 - Erect bikes? - Yes, a wrecked bike. 741 00:27:42,786 --> 00:27:44,579 - Wreckages. - Oh, wreckages. 742 00:27:44,580 --> 00:27:46,747 I thought you were saying "erect bike"... 743 00:27:46,748 --> 00:27:48,833 - [scoffs] - Which was freaking me out. 744 00:27:48,834 --> 00:27:51,127 - [laughs] - That's on you. 745 00:27:51,128 --> 00:27:53,087 - That bike is really happy to see its owner. 746 00:27:53,088 --> 00:27:54,297 - [laughs] 747 00:27:54,298 --> 00:27:56,257 - Schwinn! A Schwinn! 748 00:27:56,258 --> 00:27:58,426 [laughter] I apologize. 749 00:27:58,427 --> 00:28:02,346 It's incredible to see all these bikes at once... 750 00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:04,098 all together. 751 00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:08,769 It's a veritable boneyard of bicycles. 752 00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:11,022 - [chuckles] - Pretty cool imagery, right? 753 00:28:11,023 --> 00:28:12,273 - Yes. 754 00:28:12,274 --> 00:28:15,151 - Like a graveyard of bikes, but I say boneyard of bicycles 755 00:28:15,152 --> 00:28:19,030 because you get the two Bs-- buh, buh. 756 00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:20,740 So this pile of bikes right here-- 757 00:28:20,741 --> 00:28:22,366 It looks like a bike orgy, by the way. 758 00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:24,160 Look at it. What are these bikes? 759 00:28:24,161 --> 00:28:25,828 - These are wrecked bikes. 760 00:28:25,829 --> 00:28:27,496 - They better be erect if they're in an orgy. 761 00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:30,166 - They are coming from the channels. 762 00:28:30,167 --> 00:28:31,751 - [laughs] Hold for the laugh. 763 00:28:31,752 --> 00:28:33,669 [laughter] That's about enough. 764 00:28:33,670 --> 00:28:35,379 What happens to these bikes? 765 00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:37,506 - They all get destroyed. - They get destroyed? 766 00:28:37,507 --> 00:28:38,758 - Yes. - That's too bad. 767 00:28:38,759 --> 00:28:41,177 I think you guys are being too harsh on these bikes. 768 00:28:41,178 --> 00:28:43,346 Can I get this bike for free? 769 00:28:43,347 --> 00:28:45,514 - If you can show me you can ride on it. 770 00:28:45,515 --> 00:28:48,184 - What are you talking about? This can ride. It's fine. 771 00:28:48,185 --> 00:28:50,895 - It's perfectly fine. - It's perfectly fine. 772 00:28:50,896 --> 00:28:51,896 - Yes. 773 00:28:51,897 --> 00:28:54,190 - You just got to get a running start, is all. 774 00:28:54,191 --> 00:28:56,525 [laughter] 775 00:28:56,526 --> 00:28:59,528 [Sarah McLachlan's "Angel"] 776 00:28:59,529 --> 00:29:05,868 ♪ ♪ 777 00:29:05,869 --> 00:29:10,373 - ♪ Spend all your time waiting ♪ 778 00:29:10,374 --> 00:29:13,668 ♪ For that second chance ♪ 779 00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:16,671 ♪ For a break that would make it okay ♪ 780 00:29:16,672 --> 00:29:18,756 [water splashes] 781 00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:22,468 ♪ There's always some reason ♪ 782 00:29:22,469 --> 00:29:25,805 ♪ To feel not good enough ♪ 783 00:29:25,806 --> 00:29:27,098 [horn honks dully] 784 00:29:27,099 --> 00:29:31,394 ♪ And it's hard at the end of the day ♪ 785 00:29:31,395 --> 00:29:34,146 - Hi. I'm Conan O'Brien. 786 00:29:34,147 --> 00:29:37,066 For just 2 euros a day, you can support 787 00:29:37,067 --> 00:29:39,026 neglected, abused, 788 00:29:39,027 --> 00:29:42,405 and tragically ugly bicycles in Amsterdam. 789 00:29:42,406 --> 00:29:44,657 Together, we can turn 790 00:29:44,658 --> 00:29:48,911 this veritable boneyard of bicycles 791 00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:51,747 into a hillside of hope. 792 00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:54,750 Man, that was good. 793 00:29:54,751 --> 00:29:56,460 - Hey, Conan, my name is Lucas, 794 00:29:56,461 --> 00:29:58,379 and I'm calling from the Netherlands. 795 00:29:58,380 --> 00:30:00,131 - Tell me a little bit about yourself, Lucas. 796 00:30:00,132 --> 00:30:03,384 - I live in Amsterdam with my girlfriend and my two cats. 797 00:30:03,385 --> 00:30:05,386 And I play basketball. 798 00:30:05,387 --> 00:30:07,555 I used to play professional. - Whoa! 799 00:30:07,556 --> 00:30:09,932 On what level did you play professional basketball? 800 00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:12,435 - The highest level in the Netherlands. 801 00:30:12,436 --> 00:30:14,228 - What? - That's fantastic. 802 00:30:14,229 --> 00:30:15,604 That's impressive. 803 00:30:15,605 --> 00:30:18,107 - Compared to the rest of the world, it's kind of meh, 804 00:30:18,108 --> 00:30:20,109 but it's all right here. 805 00:30:20,110 --> 00:30:22,278 - Can I say something, Lucas? 806 00:30:22,279 --> 00:30:25,489 If I had played professional basketball for a day, 807 00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,616 it's all you'd ever hear about. 808 00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:31,287 - So I'm in a team with a lot of introverts. 809 00:30:31,288 --> 00:30:35,499 I think you could help me and maybe my team be more 810 00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:37,710 of a trash-talking team. - Oh, yeah. 811 00:30:37,711 --> 00:30:39,712 You came to the right guy. 812 00:30:39,713 --> 00:30:41,464 - Yeah, exactly. 813 00:30:41,465 --> 00:30:43,549 - I will make your team more vocal. 814 00:30:43,550 --> 00:30:47,345 I will make your team great trash talkers. 815 00:30:47,346 --> 00:30:49,972 Will you be better at basketball? 816 00:30:49,973 --> 00:30:51,140 No. 817 00:30:51,141 --> 00:30:53,100 [sneakers squeaking] 818 00:30:53,101 --> 00:30:54,935 Hey. How are you? - Hi, there. Good. 819 00:30:54,936 --> 00:30:56,312 How are you? - Good to see you. 820 00:30:56,313 --> 00:30:58,314 I'm very happy to meet you. - Yeah, happy to meet you, too. 821 00:30:58,315 --> 00:31:00,149 - The big thing I want to help you with is, 822 00:31:00,150 --> 00:31:01,150 when we talked on Zoom, 823 00:31:01,151 --> 00:31:02,943 you said that it's hard to trash talk. 824 00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:03,944 - It is. 825 00:31:03,945 --> 00:31:05,529 - I think it's because your country-- 826 00:31:05,530 --> 00:31:07,323 people are very polite. - We're really modest. 827 00:31:07,324 --> 00:31:10,284 - The American way is, I'm the greatest. 828 00:31:10,285 --> 00:31:11,952 You suck, I'm amazing. - [laughs] 829 00:31:11,953 --> 00:31:13,329 - Do you know what I mean? 830 00:31:13,330 --> 00:31:15,539 All right, I want you to have good trash talking, okay? 831 00:31:15,540 --> 00:31:17,666 Stuff that works here in the Netherlands. 832 00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:18,667 - Okay. 833 00:31:18,668 --> 00:31:20,503 - I hope, like everyone else in the Netherlands, 834 00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:22,922 you like to bicycle 'cause you can't drive for shit. 835 00:31:22,923 --> 00:31:26,258 I hope your universal health care covers whup-ass. 836 00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:27,510 Is that a good one? - Yeah, that's-- 837 00:31:27,511 --> 00:31:29,762 - 'Cause you guys have universal healthcare. 838 00:31:29,763 --> 00:31:31,263 - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. 839 00:31:31,264 --> 00:31:34,016 Hey, why don't you go Dutch and split? 840 00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:35,601 Hey, you guys like tulips? 841 00:31:35,602 --> 00:31:38,229 Here's two lips saying, you suck! 842 00:31:38,230 --> 00:31:40,315 You must be Edam because you're no Gouda. 843 00:31:42,567 --> 00:31:44,193 Those are the two big cheeses here, right? 844 00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:46,028 - Yeah. Uh-huh. - Edam and Gouda? 845 00:31:46,029 --> 00:31:47,530 And then I said, you're no Gouda, 846 00:31:47,531 --> 00:31:49,698 and it's like, you're no good, right? 847 00:31:49,699 --> 00:31:50,699 - Yeah. 848 00:31:50,700 --> 00:31:51,951 - I can tell you're Dutch 849 00:31:51,952 --> 00:31:56,580 'cause you're wooden and you clog the lane. 850 00:31:56,581 --> 00:31:59,583 Here's one-- van Gogh fuck yourself. 851 00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:01,836 - [laughs] That's good. 852 00:32:01,837 --> 00:32:03,587 - You like that one? - Yeah, I like it. 853 00:32:03,588 --> 00:32:07,007 - Ha ha! Let it rain, motherfucker! 854 00:32:07,008 --> 00:32:08,175 Yes! 855 00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:10,261 - The problem is, I can't use it because I'm Dutch 856 00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:11,887 and I can't say that to another Dutch person. 857 00:32:11,888 --> 00:32:14,014 - Okay, I'll give you some generic ones. 858 00:32:14,015 --> 00:32:16,059 You couldn't dunk a doughnut. 859 00:32:20,397 --> 00:32:21,689 - [laughs] 860 00:32:21,690 --> 00:32:23,399 - Okay, you can dunk a basket, 861 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:27,153 but I maintain you could not dunk a doughnut. 862 00:32:27,154 --> 00:32:29,238 Hey, you could use some of my moves. 863 00:32:29,239 --> 00:32:32,575 Look at this one--I look that way, but I shoot this way. 864 00:32:32,576 --> 00:32:35,077 [laughter] 865 00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:37,246 Space hook! 866 00:32:37,247 --> 00:32:39,081 - What the fuck is a space hook? 867 00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:41,083 - Hi, how are you? - Hi. Good. 868 00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:43,794 - Here's my problem with him. He's too nice. 869 00:32:43,795 --> 00:32:45,921 So I've been giving him some trash talking, you know? 870 00:32:45,922 --> 00:32:47,298 - Oh, nice. 871 00:32:47,299 --> 00:32:49,133 - Yeah, that works in the Netherlands. 872 00:32:49,134 --> 00:32:50,593 - Yeah. - Van Gogh fuck yourself. 873 00:32:50,594 --> 00:32:52,678 - Oh, yeah, I like that one. - That's a winner. 874 00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:54,263 I'm just gonna say something else. 875 00:32:54,264 --> 00:32:55,890 You're a handsome guy. - Thank you. 876 00:32:55,891 --> 00:32:57,433 - But I think your hair is too polite. 877 00:32:57,434 --> 00:32:59,435 We're gonna make you look a little tougher. 878 00:32:59,436 --> 00:33:00,895 - Okay. - Cool? 879 00:33:00,896 --> 00:33:03,063 Okay, now we are talking. 880 00:33:03,064 --> 00:33:04,440 You look fierce. - You think so? 881 00:33:04,441 --> 00:33:06,901 - Yeah, you look like an anemic Sonic the Hedgehog. 882 00:33:06,902 --> 00:33:09,487 It looks like I just caught him in my garden eating cabbage. 883 00:33:09,488 --> 00:33:10,946 [laughter] 884 00:33:10,947 --> 00:33:12,406 This is your coach? - Yes. 885 00:33:12,407 --> 00:33:13,991 - What do you think of my man Lucas as a player? 886 00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:15,784 - He's a really good player. - He's a good player? 887 00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:17,620 - Yes, a good player. - But there's a problem. 888 00:33:17,621 --> 00:33:19,455 - What is the problem? - He can't trash talk. 889 00:33:19,456 --> 00:33:20,664 - No. - Well, why not? 890 00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:22,666 - Because in Netherlands, you get technical foul. 891 00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:24,293 - You get a technical foul if you trash talk? 892 00:33:24,294 --> 00:33:26,629 - Yeah. - You didn't tell me that! 893 00:33:26,630 --> 00:33:28,714 If I played with your team, would I be a useful player? 894 00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:30,132 - You're pretty good in shape, 895 00:33:30,133 --> 00:33:31,675 but you're not good enough for our team. 896 00:33:31,676 --> 00:33:33,052 - You don't think I'm good enough for your team? 897 00:33:33,053 --> 00:33:34,470 - No, not at all. 898 00:33:34,471 --> 00:33:36,347 - I'm gonna be the best player on your team. 899 00:33:36,348 --> 00:33:37,848 - Let's play some one-on-one with Dave. 900 00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:39,058 - Dave. - Dave. 901 00:33:39,059 --> 00:33:40,893 - You want to play some one-on-one with him? 902 00:33:40,894 --> 00:33:42,478 - Yeah, I want to play one-on-one with Dave. 903 00:33:42,479 --> 00:33:43,896 - Yeah? - You don't scare me. 904 00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:45,856 I think you're a terrible basketball player. 905 00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:48,484 You're weak. You're inferior to me. 906 00:33:48,485 --> 00:33:51,153 I crush you like a bug. 907 00:33:51,154 --> 00:33:52,655 Bleh! 908 00:33:52,656 --> 00:33:55,324 You will be so embarrassed when I'm done with you, 909 00:33:55,325 --> 00:33:57,409 you will leave the sport forever. 910 00:33:57,410 --> 00:33:58,494 - What will be the score? 911 00:33:58,495 --> 00:34:00,329 - The score, by the time I'm done? 912 00:34:00,330 --> 00:34:01,997 - Yeah. - Numbers don't go that high. 913 00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:05,001 [buzzer sounding] 914 00:34:09,631 --> 00:34:11,341 What happened? 915 00:34:12,968 --> 00:34:14,969 [person cheers] 916 00:34:14,970 --> 00:34:18,014 [laughter] 917 00:34:20,350 --> 00:34:22,351 Psych you out! 918 00:34:22,352 --> 00:34:23,852 Ah! 919 00:34:23,853 --> 00:34:25,229 [buzzer sounds] 920 00:34:25,230 --> 00:34:27,856 That guy is juicing like crazy. 921 00:34:27,857 --> 00:34:29,525 I don't know what he's taking. 922 00:34:29,526 --> 00:34:31,944 But I turned off the light at one point, he was glowing. 923 00:34:31,945 --> 00:34:34,405 [laughter] He keeps visiting Chernobyl. 924 00:34:34,406 --> 00:34:36,073 Guys, you were very generous. 925 00:34:36,074 --> 00:34:38,742 You taught me your style of basketball 926 00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:39,952 here in the Netherlands. 927 00:34:39,953 --> 00:34:42,037 And I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, 928 00:34:42,038 --> 00:34:43,205 I thank you. 929 00:34:43,206 --> 00:34:45,584 all: Van Gogh fuck yourself! 930 00:34:48,044 --> 00:34:50,045 [Dutch folk music] 931 00:34:50,046 --> 00:34:52,881 - One of the most iconic symbols of the Netherlands 932 00:34:52,882 --> 00:34:54,383 is the wooden shoe. 933 00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:58,220 And even though carving them is an 800-year-old tradition, 934 00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:01,181 this guy didn't look a day over 400. 935 00:35:01,182 --> 00:35:05,060 I'm standing here with Roel and his son Tim. 936 00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:08,272 And you guys make wooden shoes, yes? 937 00:35:08,273 --> 00:35:09,898 - This is typically Dutch. 938 00:35:09,899 --> 00:35:12,234 One block of wood, a total shoe. 939 00:35:12,235 --> 00:35:14,111 We just produce shoes. 940 00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:16,405 And if people buy them, I'm happy. 941 00:35:16,406 --> 00:35:18,907 If they don't buy them, I'm still happy. 942 00:35:18,908 --> 00:35:21,410 It's okay. [laughter] 943 00:35:21,411 --> 00:35:24,121 - Wow. You're a terrible businessman. 944 00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:26,290 What is the advantage of a wooden shoe? 945 00:35:26,291 --> 00:35:28,792 - Everybody has plastic shoes on his feet. 946 00:35:28,793 --> 00:35:29,793 - Yeah. 947 00:35:29,794 --> 00:35:31,587 - You get sweaty feet. - Sweaty feet. 948 00:35:31,588 --> 00:35:33,380 - You get cold feet. - Cold feet. 949 00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:35,799 You can't play athletics in wooden shoes, right? 950 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,968 - I can run in them. - You can run in them? 951 00:35:37,969 --> 00:35:40,095 Are you a fast runner? - Eh... 952 00:35:40,096 --> 00:35:41,972 [heavy thudding] 953 00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:46,101 [exciting music] 954 00:35:46,102 --> 00:35:48,187 - I like your hair. Your hair is kind of like my hair. 955 00:35:48,188 --> 00:35:49,188 - Thank you. - Yeah. 956 00:35:49,189 --> 00:35:50,939 - I just got a little bit more, I think. 957 00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:52,441 - You have a little more hair, yes. 958 00:35:52,442 --> 00:35:53,400 - A little more. 959 00:35:53,401 --> 00:35:55,402 - Well, I think you do. You're a younger man. 960 00:35:55,403 --> 00:35:57,946 Of course, I'll be losing hair. And soon, the tomb awaits. 961 00:35:57,947 --> 00:35:59,198 - Yeah, I know. 962 00:35:59,199 --> 00:36:03,452 - Has anyone ever thrown a shoe at someone else as a weapon? 963 00:36:03,453 --> 00:36:05,245 You seem like you're getting nervous. 964 00:36:05,246 --> 00:36:06,622 - Yeah, that's not-- 965 00:36:06,623 --> 00:36:08,123 - Have you killed a man with a shoe? 966 00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:09,124 - No, I don't. 967 00:36:09,125 --> 00:36:10,668 - Are you thinking about it? - No. 968 00:36:10,669 --> 00:36:12,169 - I bet your son's thought about it. 969 00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:13,962 You ever wanted to kill someone with a shoe? 970 00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:16,757 - I never did, no. I never thought about it either. 971 00:36:16,758 --> 00:36:18,634 - Well, you're thinking about it now, aren't you? 972 00:36:18,635 --> 00:36:19,843 - Now I am, yeah, sure. 973 00:36:19,844 --> 00:36:21,929 - You're a man of very direct, simple words. 974 00:36:21,930 --> 00:36:25,808 But maybe your country ways are better than my city ways. 975 00:36:25,809 --> 00:36:27,976 I live in a high office tower. 976 00:36:27,977 --> 00:36:29,645 I'm a hedge-fund manager. 977 00:36:29,646 --> 00:36:31,772 I'm filled with misery and pain. 978 00:36:31,773 --> 00:36:35,150 But in a Hallmark movie, I come here, I start making the shoes. 979 00:36:35,151 --> 00:36:37,986 I meet a woman who thinks I'm the fancy guy from the city, 980 00:36:37,987 --> 00:36:40,989 but I think her ways are stupid and provincial. 981 00:36:40,990 --> 00:36:42,491 But then we love each other at the end, 982 00:36:42,492 --> 00:36:43,909 and we make shoes together. 983 00:36:43,910 --> 00:36:47,496 [lively accordion melody] 984 00:36:47,497 --> 00:36:49,331 Then they catch fire, and she's killed. 985 00:36:49,332 --> 00:36:50,916 Let's go on in. - Okay. 986 00:36:50,917 --> 00:36:56,171 ♪ ♪ 987 00:36:56,172 --> 00:36:58,882 - So this is a block of poplar. - That's correct. 988 00:36:58,883 --> 00:37:01,260 - Out of this block, we're going to make me a shoe? 989 00:37:01,261 --> 00:37:03,053 - Yes. - Wow. 990 00:37:03,054 --> 00:37:06,390 I'm a size U.S. 12, narrow foot. 991 00:37:06,391 --> 00:37:09,936 Not much of an arch, so I like a little extra support. 992 00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:14,356 - Big problem. 993 00:37:14,357 --> 00:37:16,817 No, it's okay. We will make a shoe. It's fine. 994 00:37:16,818 --> 00:37:17,901 - Okay. 995 00:37:17,902 --> 00:37:23,532 ♪ ♪ 996 00:37:23,533 --> 00:37:26,910 - At this moment, we are making 10 1/2 centimeters. 997 00:37:26,911 --> 00:37:29,580 It's a real small one. - That's for, like, a baby. 998 00:37:29,581 --> 00:37:31,707 - I make mountains of these little shoes 999 00:37:31,708 --> 00:37:34,543 because they sell very good. - People like the little ones? 1000 00:37:34,544 --> 00:37:36,545 - Yeah, America loves little shoes. 1001 00:37:36,546 --> 00:37:38,297 - It's sort of a shoe-venir. 1002 00:37:38,298 --> 00:37:39,298 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1003 00:37:39,299 --> 00:37:40,883 - Shoe-venir. - Yeah. 1004 00:37:40,884 --> 00:37:47,932 ♪ ♪ 1005 00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:52,227 - Oh. - Potato. 1006 00:37:52,228 --> 00:37:55,439 Fresh wood feels a lot like cutting potatoes. 1007 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,149 - Yes, it does feel like a potato. 1008 00:37:57,150 --> 00:37:59,067 And you know what? I know potatoes. 1009 00:37:59,068 --> 00:38:00,944 - And if you make them quick, they stay cheap. 1010 00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:03,947 - Nice. - And it's not made in China. 1011 00:38:03,948 --> 00:38:05,324 - There you go. 1012 00:38:05,325 --> 00:38:07,451 - This is still typically Dutch, 1013 00:38:07,452 --> 00:38:10,204 and they're even very cheap. - Yeah, yeah. 1014 00:38:10,205 --> 00:38:12,122 - You got that on the camera? - Yes. 1015 00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:13,749 - Yeah? Okay. - Perfect, good. 1016 00:38:13,750 --> 00:38:15,959 Yeah. 1017 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:18,420 - You didn't expect that one, eh? 1018 00:38:18,421 --> 00:38:21,381 - No, I didn't expect that at all. 1019 00:38:21,382 --> 00:38:24,218 - The yellow shoe is the working shoe for farmers. 1020 00:38:24,219 --> 00:38:25,260 - Oh. 1021 00:38:25,261 --> 00:38:27,262 - The man always have a dark color. 1022 00:38:27,263 --> 00:38:29,473 And his wife always have a light color. 1023 00:38:29,474 --> 00:38:30,766 - That's nice. 1024 00:38:30,767 --> 00:38:34,144 - And we have very big woman in the Netherlands. 1025 00:38:34,145 --> 00:38:35,771 - The women are bigger than the men? 1026 00:38:35,772 --> 00:38:37,397 - Sometimes. both: Yeah. 1027 00:38:37,398 --> 00:38:39,566 - This man got a real big problem. 1028 00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:40,609 - Well... 1029 00:38:40,610 --> 00:38:43,278 - Imagine he's going to kiss his wife. 1030 00:38:43,279 --> 00:38:45,323 How does he do that one? 1031 00:38:48,117 --> 00:38:51,286 [laughter] Yeah, yeah. 1032 00:38:51,287 --> 00:38:52,831 - Okay. 1033 00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,167 - It takes a little getting used to. 1034 00:38:57,168 --> 00:38:59,378 Here's the problem. You turn this way. 1035 00:38:59,379 --> 00:39:01,630 Let's say I'm a bad guy, and I want to sneak up on you 1036 00:39:01,631 --> 00:39:02,965 and kill you. - Ah... 1037 00:39:02,966 --> 00:39:05,217 - Watch this. - [laughing] 1038 00:39:05,218 --> 00:39:07,344 I hear you coming. Oh! 1039 00:39:07,345 --> 00:39:09,221 - You're long gone by the time I get there. 1040 00:39:09,222 --> 00:39:12,140 - Yeah. - This is bad for a killer. 1041 00:39:12,141 --> 00:39:14,017 - Hey. - What about dancing? 1042 00:39:14,018 --> 00:39:15,811 - I'm not a dancer. You're a dancer. 1043 00:39:15,812 --> 00:39:17,604 He's a very good dancer. 1044 00:39:17,605 --> 00:39:19,940 - Yeah, it's gonna take getting used to. 1045 00:39:19,941 --> 00:39:22,276 But, yeah, these are wooden shoes. 1046 00:39:22,277 --> 00:39:23,277 - Mm-hmm. 1047 00:39:23,278 --> 00:39:24,987 - These are shoes that are made of wood. 1048 00:39:24,988 --> 00:39:26,196 - Mm-hmm. 1049 00:39:26,197 --> 00:39:27,656 - Roel didn't realize 1050 00:39:27,657 --> 00:39:30,284 that I was about to blast his clog business 1051 00:39:30,285 --> 00:39:32,035 into the stratosphere. 1052 00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:33,620 Check it out, Roel-- 1053 00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:36,790 Crogs-- all the comfort of a clog, 1054 00:39:36,791 --> 00:39:39,459 all the ugliness of a Croc. 1055 00:39:39,460 --> 00:39:45,048 ♪ ♪ 1056 00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:46,508 [bell ringing] Your name is? 1057 00:39:46,509 --> 00:39:48,427 both: Jonathan. - And you are from? 1058 00:39:48,428 --> 00:39:49,678 - Okay, Sweden. 1059 00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:52,264 Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. 1060 00:39:52,265 --> 00:39:54,309 Oh, these guys are so mad at me. 1061 00:39:56,436 --> 00:39:59,354 - Oh, you have a girlfriend? 1062 00:39:59,355 --> 00:40:00,772 Oh, incredible. 1063 00:40:00,773 --> 00:40:03,275 Jonathan from Sweden road up alongside of me, 1064 00:40:03,276 --> 00:40:05,944 ditching his girlfriend, who's on a bike. 1065 00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:07,821 She doesn't know where you are now. 1066 00:40:07,822 --> 00:40:09,698 - Probably don't have a girlfriend anymore. 1067 00:40:09,699 --> 00:40:11,241 - I'm gonna tell you for a fact 1068 00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:13,410 you do not have a girlfriend anymore. 1069 00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:15,329 How did you meet your girlfriend? 1070 00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:18,040 - I met her on an app. I can do it again. 1071 00:40:18,041 --> 00:40:19,082 - Wow. 1072 00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:23,086 Okay, well, ladies, this is what awaits you. 1073 00:40:23,087 --> 00:40:25,339 I think this is a great guy as long 1074 00:40:25,340 --> 00:40:28,216 as there's never any celebrity distraction, you know? 1075 00:40:28,217 --> 00:40:29,343 - That is a big risk. 1076 00:40:29,344 --> 00:40:31,345 - Yeah, you could have a wife and three kids, 1077 00:40:31,346 --> 00:40:33,555 and if you saw Erik Estrada on the other side of the street, 1078 00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:35,724 bang, that family's over. - True. 1079 00:40:35,725 --> 00:40:37,267 - That's an old reference, but look it up. 1080 00:40:37,268 --> 00:40:39,728 The Netherlands plays a critical role 1081 00:40:39,729 --> 00:40:42,272 in the administration of global justice. 1082 00:40:42,273 --> 00:40:44,775 I'm in the Hague, the capital of the Netherlands. 1083 00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:47,778 Behind me is the International Court of Justice. 1084 00:40:47,779 --> 00:40:51,114 Famously, this is where worldwide criminals, 1085 00:40:51,115 --> 00:40:54,284 despots, and murderers are held to account. 1086 00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:56,912 They are put on trial, and when they have the-- 1087 00:40:56,913 --> 00:40:58,914 - Excuse me, sir, are you Conan O'Brien? 1088 00:40:58,915 --> 00:41:00,165 - Yes, I am, would you-- 1089 00:41:00,166 --> 00:41:02,125 - I'm afraid you have to come with us, sir. 1090 00:41:02,126 --> 00:41:03,877 - No, I don't have to go you. - Come with us, sir. 1091 00:41:03,878 --> 00:41:05,921 - I do not have to go with-- no, I don't think 1092 00:41:05,922 --> 00:41:08,131 I have to go with you at all. - Come with us, sir. Come. 1093 00:41:08,132 --> 00:41:09,132 - We now go 1094 00:41:09,133 --> 00:41:10,926 to the International Court of Justice, 1095 00:41:10,927 --> 00:41:12,719 trial 489-- 1096 00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:16,432 every country of the world versus Conan O'Brien. 1097 00:41:20,269 --> 00:41:24,272 - Your Honors, for years, the defendant, 1098 00:41:24,273 --> 00:41:27,442 Conan O'Brien, has traveled the globe 1099 00:41:27,443 --> 00:41:31,780 committing offenses in the name of so-called comedy. 1100 00:41:31,781 --> 00:41:34,074 Luckily for us, he was foolish enough 1101 00:41:34,075 --> 00:41:35,784 to record all of his crimes. 1102 00:41:35,785 --> 00:41:38,161 - [screaming] 1103 00:41:38,162 --> 00:41:39,579 [sobbing] 1104 00:41:39,580 --> 00:41:40,789 [players yelling] 1105 00:41:40,790 --> 00:41:44,168 both: Um... - Oh, my God. 1106 00:41:45,628 --> 00:41:48,880 - [growling] 1107 00:41:48,881 --> 00:41:51,300 He's faster than I thought. 1108 00:41:55,805 --> 00:41:59,017 [chicken toy squeaking] 1109 00:42:01,352 --> 00:42:03,770 In my defense, I will say this. 1110 00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:06,815 I have great respect for the Netherlands. 1111 00:42:06,816 --> 00:42:08,984 - "Great respect for the Netherlands"? 1112 00:42:08,985 --> 00:42:11,486 [tense music] 1113 00:42:11,487 --> 00:42:13,822 - [kicking door] 1114 00:42:13,823 --> 00:42:15,866 You must be Edam, because you're no Gouda. 1115 00:42:15,867 --> 00:42:18,201 Wait a minute. Where did you get that footage? 1116 00:42:18,202 --> 00:42:20,662 We shot that, like, an hour ago. 1117 00:42:20,663 --> 00:42:22,622 Who gave 'em the footage? 1118 00:42:22,623 --> 00:42:25,418 Is my team helping you? Guys! 1119 00:42:34,469 --> 00:42:38,013 [laughter] 1120 00:42:38,014 --> 00:42:40,474 - And, finally, Your Honors, 1121 00:42:40,475 --> 00:42:41,850 I present to you 1122 00:42:41,851 --> 00:42:45,479 the defendant's most egregious of crimes--singing. 1123 00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:47,522 - Singing's not a crime. 1124 00:42:47,523 --> 00:42:49,024 - It wasn't... 1125 00:42:49,025 --> 00:42:50,358 until now. 1126 00:42:50,359 --> 00:42:52,235 [sweeping orchestral music] 1127 00:42:52,236 --> 00:42:55,030 - ♪ I'm turning around ♪ 1128 00:42:55,031 --> 00:42:58,575 ♪ Like Julie Andrews ♪ 1129 00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:00,744 ♪ I'm looking at the fjord ♪ 1130 00:43:00,745 --> 00:43:03,080 [electronic music] 1131 00:43:03,081 --> 00:43:04,748 ♪ There's salmon in the sea ♪ 1132 00:43:04,749 --> 00:43:07,584 [singing in Thai] 1133 00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754 ♪ ♪ 1134 00:43:10,755 --> 00:43:14,382 [choir vocalizing] 1135 00:43:14,383 --> 00:43:17,385 [muttering falsetto] 1136 00:43:17,386 --> 00:43:22,682 ♪ ♪ 1137 00:43:22,683 --> 00:43:25,519 [person coughs] 1138 00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:28,522 - Well, Mr. O'Brien, do you have anything 1139 00:43:28,523 --> 00:43:30,440 to say in your defense? 1140 00:43:30,441 --> 00:43:33,902 - Your Honors, I never meant to hurt 1141 00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,238 or cause a global rift. 1142 00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:39,241 And I always thought that singing... 1143 00:43:39,242 --> 00:43:44,079 ♪ Was my greatest gift ♪ 1144 00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:46,581 ♪ I like to sing ♪ 1145 00:43:46,582 --> 00:43:48,708 ♪ I like to croon ♪ 1146 00:43:48,709 --> 00:43:53,630 ♪ I like to rhyme the words June with moon ♪ 1147 00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:58,260 ♪ If that's a crime, then so it be ♪ 1148 00:43:58,261 --> 00:44:02,764 ♪ Lock me up and throw away the key ♪ 1149 00:44:02,765 --> 00:44:04,767 [Taser buzzes, body thuds] 1150 00:44:26,497 --> 00:44:29,499 [dramatic music] 1151 00:44:29,500 --> 00:44:30,792 - Hi, Conan. 1152 00:44:30,793 --> 00:44:33,962 I think I have at least managed to patch things up with Hannah. 1153 00:44:33,963 --> 00:44:36,631 - Well, I will never forget you abandoning me, 1154 00:44:36,632 --> 00:44:39,134 but lots of flowers and chocolates later, 1155 00:44:39,135 --> 00:44:42,345 I guess the relationship technically still lives on. 1156 00:44:42,346 --> 00:44:45,765 - [chuckles] Thanks, Conan. 1157 00:44:45,766 --> 00:44:48,978 Wait, is that Kathy Griffin? 1158 00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:12,876 - This is deranged. 1159 00:45:12,877 --> 00:45:15,880 [bright tone]