1 00:00:06,016 --> 00:00:07,451 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 2 00:00:07,551 --> 00:00:10,687 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sierra Katow. 3 00:00:10,787 --> 00:00:11,922 - [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] - [AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY] 4 00:00:24,168 --> 00:00:25,636 Thank you! 5 00:00:25,736 --> 00:00:27,771 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 6 00:00:28,639 --> 00:00:30,407 All right. For me? 7 00:00:30,507 --> 00:00:31,475 Stop it. 8 00:00:31,575 --> 00:00:33,009 Me? Ooh. 9 00:00:33,510 --> 00:00:35,646 No, stop. Oh. 10 00:00:35,746 --> 00:00:37,381 All right. Yeah, That's enough. 11 00:00:37,481 --> 00:00:39,116 Jesus Christ. 12 00:00:39,216 --> 00:00:41,652 No. You guys are wonderful. Thank you for coming out. 13 00:00:41,752 --> 00:00:42,886 Fun fact about me, 14 00:00:42,986 --> 00:00:46,323 I actually have a degree in computer science. 15 00:00:46,423 --> 00:00:48,759 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Yeah. All right. 16 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:50,394 Pretty good. 17 00:00:51,061 --> 00:00:54,398 And now I'm a comedian. 18 00:00:54,498 --> 00:00:56,300 - Mmm. - [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 19 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,735 Right? What did I do? What went wrong? 20 00:00:58,835 --> 00:01:00,571 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 21 00:01:00,671 --> 00:01:02,139 No. I think what happened 22 00:01:02,239 --> 00:01:05,309 is when I was deciding what I wanted to do with my life, 23 00:01:05,409 --> 00:01:10,080 I wasn't sure if I wanted to be another Asian 24 00:01:10,847 --> 00:01:11,948 computer programmer. 25 00:01:12,048 --> 00:01:13,817 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 26 00:01:14,918 --> 00:01:16,720 And see, that internalized racism, 27 00:01:18,589 --> 00:01:20,391 that cost me millions of dollars. 28 00:01:20,491 --> 00:01:21,858 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 29 00:01:21,958 --> 00:01:25,329 Okay? That's why you shouldn't be racist, 'cause, whoo, 30 00:01:25,429 --> 00:01:26,830 that shit's expensive. Yeah. 31 00:01:26,930 --> 00:01:28,465 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 32 00:01:28,565 --> 00:01:29,933 I enjoy being a comedian. 33 00:01:30,033 --> 00:01:31,502 I do love it, you know. 34 00:01:31,602 --> 00:01:34,037 Clearly, I'm not in it for the money, so... 35 00:01:34,137 --> 00:01:35,972 I better have fun, or whatever. 36 00:01:36,072 --> 00:01:37,808 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 37 00:01:37,908 --> 00:01:39,310 And I started doing this really young. 38 00:01:39,410 --> 00:01:41,478 I started doing stand-up when I was 16. 39 00:01:42,279 --> 00:01:43,614 Which, yeah, 40 00:01:43,714 --> 00:01:45,682 where were my parents to stamp that out of me early? 41 00:01:45,782 --> 00:01:47,218 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Right? 42 00:01:47,318 --> 00:01:49,786 To their credit, they're very supportive. 43 00:01:49,886 --> 00:01:51,455 They're actually here today. 44 00:01:51,555 --> 00:01:53,190 - Give it up for them, yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 45 00:01:53,890 --> 00:01:54,925 Right there. 46 00:01:57,494 --> 00:01:59,563 I remember when I told my mom for the first time 47 00:01:59,663 --> 00:02:01,031 that I wanted to do stand-up, she was like, 48 00:02:01,131 --> 00:02:02,833 "Oh, yeah, 49 00:02:02,933 --> 00:02:05,035 "me and your dad used to go see live comedy all the time, 50 00:02:05,135 --> 00:02:06,603 "back when we were dating." 51 00:02:06,703 --> 00:02:08,405 Which... [MIMICKING BARFING] 52 00:02:08,505 --> 00:02:10,474 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 53 00:02:10,574 --> 00:02:12,509 Gross, right? 54 00:02:12,609 --> 00:02:14,645 Like, I get that my parents were human, or whatever, 55 00:02:14,745 --> 00:02:15,879 before I was born, 56 00:02:17,348 --> 00:02:18,915 but keep me out of it, okay? 57 00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:20,584 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 58 00:02:20,684 --> 00:02:23,654 Yeah, I just... I want a respectful distance from my elders. 59 00:02:23,754 --> 00:02:26,423 That's all I ask. Okay? 60 00:02:26,523 --> 00:02:27,991 Because I had a friend, growing up, 61 00:02:28,091 --> 00:02:31,061 who was, like, so close to his parents 62 00:02:31,161 --> 00:02:34,398 that he called them by their first names. 63 00:02:34,498 --> 00:02:36,733 - Yeah. You guys have any friends like that? - [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 64 00:02:36,833 --> 00:02:38,101 Hmm? 65 00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:39,603 No one had any white friends, no? 66 00:02:39,703 --> 00:02:42,072 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 67 00:02:42,172 --> 00:02:43,607 He was kind of weird, this friend. 68 00:02:43,707 --> 00:02:45,776 Like, I remember I went over to his house 69 00:02:45,876 --> 00:02:48,111 and he was yelling at his dad. 70 00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:49,880 He was like, "Yo, Vincent, 71 00:02:49,980 --> 00:02:52,148 "get me a Capri Sun!" Jesus... 72 00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:54,885 Christ. 73 00:02:54,985 --> 00:02:56,887 - Vincent? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 74 00:02:57,754 --> 00:02:59,890 "That is your father, right? 75 00:02:59,990 --> 00:03:01,091 "Show a little respect. 76 00:03:01,191 --> 00:03:02,926 "What are you gonna do next? Fuck his wife? 77 00:03:03,026 --> 00:03:05,629 - "That's your mother." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 78 00:03:05,729 --> 00:03:06,763 Gross. 79 00:03:09,900 --> 00:03:12,269 Unless it's your step-mom. In which case, "Hey." 80 00:03:12,369 --> 00:03:14,571 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 81 00:03:14,671 --> 00:03:15,806 Right? We've all seen that one. 82 00:03:15,906 --> 00:03:16,973 You know what I'm talking about? 83 00:03:17,073 --> 00:03:18,875 Just fire up the old incognito window. 84 00:03:18,975 --> 00:03:20,444 That's all I ask, okay? 85 00:03:20,544 --> 00:03:22,078 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 86 00:03:22,178 --> 00:03:24,548 - Yeah, that's gross. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 87 00:03:24,648 --> 00:03:26,950 You guys brought it up. Don't fucking look at me. 88 00:03:28,552 --> 00:03:30,487 I'm trying to make this a family show, okay? 89 00:03:30,587 --> 00:03:32,188 My parents are here. My God. 90 00:03:33,424 --> 00:03:35,626 And, hey, step-mom content. 91 00:03:35,726 --> 00:03:37,127 That's about as family as it gets. 92 00:03:37,227 --> 00:03:39,430 - You know what I'm saying? Yeah? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 93 00:03:39,530 --> 00:03:41,565 Let's keep it in the family content. Yup. 94 00:03:42,366 --> 00:03:44,835 Hell, yeah. Fuck, yeah. 95 00:03:44,935 --> 00:03:47,804 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 96 00:03:47,904 --> 00:03:51,274 Yeah. Yeah, my parents are very supportive of this career. 97 00:03:51,375 --> 00:03:52,776 Suckers. You know. 98 00:03:52,876 --> 00:03:55,612 Fumbled a great retirement plan. 99 00:03:55,712 --> 00:03:58,649 And here I am still doing it over a decade later. 100 00:03:59,082 --> 00:04:00,116 Uh... 101 00:04:00,216 --> 00:04:02,319 - Which... Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 102 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,789 - Pretty strange. - [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] 103 00:04:07,858 --> 00:04:09,660 I think starting something that young, though, 104 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:11,662 you kind of do it for the wrong reasons, you know? 105 00:04:11,762 --> 00:04:15,866 Because I was 16, I was kind of a weird, nerd kid. 106 00:04:15,966 --> 00:04:18,635 So I thought... I thought doing stand-up would make me, 107 00:04:18,735 --> 00:04:20,471 like, less socially awkward. 108 00:04:22,072 --> 00:04:23,039 It didn't work. 109 00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:24,641 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 110 00:04:24,741 --> 00:04:28,579 All right? Like, I just recently ran into a friend on the street. 111 00:04:29,112 --> 00:04:30,647 Unexpectedly. 112 00:04:30,747 --> 00:04:32,182 That should be illegal. [CHUCKLES] 113 00:04:32,282 --> 00:04:33,717 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 114 00:04:33,817 --> 00:04:36,353 Like, you want me to make spontaneous conversation? Kill me. 115 00:04:36,453 --> 00:04:37,554 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 116 00:04:37,654 --> 00:04:39,790 I did my best, you know? I... I... 117 00:04:39,890 --> 00:04:42,225 I asked this friend, I was like, "Oh, 118 00:04:42,325 --> 00:04:44,127 "how are you?" "Pretty good." 119 00:04:44,227 --> 00:04:45,896 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 120 00:04:45,996 --> 00:04:47,163 Thinking on my toes. [CHUCKLES] 121 00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:50,200 And he responded, 122 00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:52,335 then he asked me back, "How are you?" Which... 123 00:04:53,570 --> 00:04:54,538 I know that one. 124 00:04:54,638 --> 00:04:55,672 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 125 00:04:55,772 --> 00:04:57,207 Well played, sir. Yeah. 126 00:04:58,909 --> 00:05:02,012 So I responded. And then I asked him back, 127 00:05:02,746 --> 00:05:03,714 "How are you?" 128 00:05:03,814 --> 00:05:05,582 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 129 00:05:05,682 --> 00:05:09,085 Which is one too many, right? 130 00:05:09,185 --> 00:05:12,589 We're only allowed one per person. That's off by one. 131 00:05:12,689 --> 00:05:14,658 My bad. See, comedy didn't work. Okay? 132 00:05:15,492 --> 00:05:18,094 Still fucking awkward, and... 133 00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:20,096 I should have picked another profession. 134 00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:22,198 And I had other options, right? 135 00:05:22,298 --> 00:05:24,901 Even before comedy, even before computers, 136 00:05:26,236 --> 00:05:27,638 I'm sure you guys can tell this about me. 137 00:05:27,738 --> 00:05:32,008 I was supposed to be a professional basketball player. 138 00:05:32,108 --> 00:05:34,511 - [AUDIENCE TITTERS] - Yeah. Thank you. 139 00:05:34,611 --> 00:05:37,414 Yeah. I don't know why you're laughing, but okay. 140 00:05:37,514 --> 00:05:39,883 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Yeah, thank you. 141 00:05:39,983 --> 00:05:42,385 You know, I... I played for eight years, growing up. 142 00:05:42,486 --> 00:05:45,656 Mmm-hmm. I started at 2-10. That's a height. 143 00:05:45,756 --> 00:05:46,923 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 144 00:05:47,023 --> 00:05:49,726 Not a time. Okay? 145 00:05:49,826 --> 00:05:52,896 I get it. I didn't have, like, the height or the wingspan 146 00:05:52,996 --> 00:05:54,898 to be a successful basketball player. 147 00:05:56,500 --> 00:05:57,901 But, you know, I'm glad I played 148 00:05:58,001 --> 00:05:59,870 because I learned a really valuable lesson 149 00:05:59,970 --> 00:06:02,873 that I could use for a future in entertainment. 150 00:06:02,973 --> 00:06:05,041 Which is this, you know? It doesn't matter. 151 00:06:05,141 --> 00:06:07,911 You work really hard, you practice every day, 152 00:06:09,312 --> 00:06:11,047 and your dreams will still be crushed. Okay? 153 00:06:11,147 --> 00:06:12,449 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 154 00:06:12,549 --> 00:06:14,951 - So... - [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] 155 00:06:16,086 --> 00:06:18,655 - Yeah. Good. - [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 156 00:06:18,755 --> 00:06:21,291 It's good to know early. I say, "Teach it in the womb." Okay? 157 00:06:21,391 --> 00:06:22,893 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 158 00:06:22,993 --> 00:06:26,262 But I didn't have the basketball bod, all right? 159 00:06:26,362 --> 00:06:27,798 You know what? This body walks into a room, 160 00:06:27,898 --> 00:06:29,265 everybody immediately looks, 161 00:06:29,365 --> 00:06:32,569 they go, "That's... That's a comedian." [CHUCKLES] 162 00:06:32,669 --> 00:06:34,905 "That's a comedy bod right there." 163 00:06:35,005 --> 00:06:38,141 Yeah, my body is always coming up with funny material. 164 00:06:38,241 --> 00:06:40,544 Like I discovered this about myself recently, 165 00:06:41,377 --> 00:06:42,345 in the nighttime. 166 00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:44,447 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 167 00:06:44,548 --> 00:06:48,652 I discovered I can actually wear an eye mask, 168 00:06:48,752 --> 00:06:49,986 you know, one of those sleeping masks, 169 00:06:51,888 --> 00:06:54,725 - as a bra. Ooh. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 170 00:06:57,193 --> 00:06:58,895 That's a good one, body. Right? 171 00:06:59,896 --> 00:07:01,832 Twisty punch line. The whole thing. 172 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,537 You know, I'm a grown woman, but I'm still stuck 173 00:07:06,637 --> 00:07:10,006 in the training-bra phase of life. 174 00:07:10,106 --> 00:07:11,374 You know what the training-bra phase is? 175 00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:13,644 That's sort of when you're going through puberty. 176 00:07:14,611 --> 00:07:16,046 Right? 177 00:07:16,146 --> 00:07:18,515 And developing breasts or whatever people do. 178 00:07:18,615 --> 00:07:19,616 What do you... 179 00:07:19,716 --> 00:07:20,951 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 180 00:07:21,051 --> 00:07:22,218 What do you call it? 181 00:07:22,318 --> 00:07:23,987 Breasts? 182 00:07:24,087 --> 00:07:25,421 And you wear a training bra. 183 00:07:25,522 --> 00:07:27,558 You know, a training bra. That's sort of a smaller bra. 184 00:07:27,658 --> 00:07:29,392 It's more of a formality. 185 00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:31,795 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 186 00:07:31,895 --> 00:07:33,530 Right. 187 00:07:33,630 --> 00:07:36,466 It's supposed to train you to one day graduate to a big-girl bra. 188 00:07:37,267 --> 00:07:38,735 Yeah? 189 00:07:38,835 --> 00:07:40,303 - I see some graduates here tonight. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 190 00:07:40,403 --> 00:07:41,672 Congratulations. 191 00:07:43,006 --> 00:07:44,140 Mazel tov. 192 00:07:46,176 --> 00:07:49,079 But look, I guess I didn't train hard enough. 193 00:07:49,179 --> 00:07:50,747 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 194 00:07:50,847 --> 00:07:53,249 Or I trained too damn hard, because clearly, my boobs died 195 00:07:53,349 --> 00:07:55,051 in some training accident. They never... 196 00:07:56,086 --> 00:07:57,387 made it home. What happened? 197 00:07:57,487 --> 00:07:59,189 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 198 00:07:59,289 --> 00:08:01,825 You know, I've... I've just always been a little smaller, you know. 199 00:08:01,925 --> 00:08:04,595 And small... I didn't know I was small, right? 200 00:08:04,695 --> 00:08:06,129 Because I come from a small people. 201 00:08:07,698 --> 00:08:10,901 Yeah. My family, a bunch of little tinies. 202 00:08:11,001 --> 00:08:13,203 A bunch of little pip-squeak losers. Just kick them around. 203 00:08:13,303 --> 00:08:14,437 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 204 00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:16,339 Yeah. Look at 'em over there. Tiny little... 205 00:08:16,439 --> 00:08:17,774 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 206 00:08:17,874 --> 00:08:19,843 Like, I'm 5'1", 207 00:08:19,943 --> 00:08:22,445 but compared to some of my family members, ooh, 208 00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:24,781 - I'm kind of massive. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 209 00:08:24,881 --> 00:08:27,584 Like, I go back to Christmas just like Godzilla. 210 00:08:27,684 --> 00:08:29,552 Like, elbowing uncles on the top of the head. 211 00:08:29,653 --> 00:08:30,721 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 212 00:08:30,821 --> 00:08:33,724 Like, giving a noogie to Grandma. And... 213 00:08:33,824 --> 00:08:35,125 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 214 00:08:35,225 --> 00:08:36,893 I know she likes it. I wouldn't do that 215 00:08:36,993 --> 00:08:39,162 if she didn't specifically request. Okay? 216 00:08:40,030 --> 00:08:41,397 She's kinky like that. And... 217 00:08:41,497 --> 00:08:42,565 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 218 00:08:42,666 --> 00:08:46,236 I respect my elders, so I do as told. 219 00:08:47,403 --> 00:08:49,873 Yeah, I think when I tell normal-sized people, 220 00:08:49,973 --> 00:08:52,175 that I have family who's smaller than me, 221 00:08:52,275 --> 00:08:53,877 they look at me like I just told them 222 00:08:53,977 --> 00:08:56,212 their dog has its own dog. 223 00:08:56,312 --> 00:08:58,581 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 224 00:08:58,682 --> 00:09:01,985 "Oh, my God." They're like, "I didn't know they bred them that small. 225 00:09:02,085 --> 00:09:04,487 - "Is that safe?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 226 00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,757 "What if I step on it?" [SHUDDERS] 227 00:09:06,857 --> 00:09:09,425 Which, if you're gonna step on one of us, step on Grandma. 228 00:09:09,525 --> 00:09:11,127 - You know, she's... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 229 00:09:11,227 --> 00:09:12,595 She's kinky like that, you know? 230 00:09:12,696 --> 00:09:14,931 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 231 00:09:15,031 --> 00:09:17,167 No, I joke, right? 232 00:09:17,267 --> 00:09:18,434 When I'm talking about my grandma, 233 00:09:18,534 --> 00:09:19,836 I'm not talking about my grandma. 234 00:09:19,936 --> 00:09:21,004 You guys know this. 235 00:09:21,104 --> 00:09:23,306 I'm just joking about the dead one. 236 00:09:23,406 --> 00:09:26,109 - You know, there's... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 237 00:09:26,209 --> 00:09:29,145 I have two grandmas. One passed away a while ago. 238 00:09:29,245 --> 00:09:32,415 So she's easier to joke about because I don't see her, right? 239 00:09:32,515 --> 00:09:33,917 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 240 00:09:34,017 --> 00:09:36,586 She died before I was born. Quick bitch. So, who knows? 241 00:09:36,687 --> 00:09:37,754 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 242 00:09:37,854 --> 00:09:39,122 Who knows what she was like? 243 00:09:39,222 --> 00:09:40,991 You know, maybe she was kind of kinky. That's... 244 00:09:41,091 --> 00:09:42,292 That would explain a lot. 245 00:09:42,392 --> 00:09:43,694 - You know what I'm saying? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 246 00:09:43,794 --> 00:09:46,596 No. My... That's my... That's my dad's mom. 247 00:09:46,697 --> 00:09:48,498 Okay, sorry, Dad. 248 00:09:48,598 --> 00:09:50,834 We'll talk about it later. We'll be fine. 249 00:09:50,934 --> 00:09:53,369 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 250 00:09:53,469 --> 00:09:54,771 But... 251 00:09:54,871 --> 00:09:57,874 There were... I'm not gonna look over there 252 00:09:57,974 --> 00:09:59,776 - anytime soon. Okay. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 253 00:09:59,876 --> 00:10:01,611 Yikes. We'll be fine. Okay. 254 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:06,216 But, hey, maybe that's why I got into comedy, you know? 255 00:10:06,316 --> 00:10:09,786 Because the extra height from the stage, you know what I mean? 256 00:10:09,886 --> 00:10:12,022 - Right? Hell yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 257 00:10:12,122 --> 00:10:14,725 Is she 5 feet? Is she 15? We don't know. 258 00:10:14,825 --> 00:10:17,060 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - We can't tell. 259 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,796 I also like having a microphone. 260 00:10:19,896 --> 00:10:23,066 Because I have a little bit of a quieter voice, naturally. 261 00:10:23,166 --> 00:10:24,868 Which you can't tell because I have a microphone. 262 00:10:24,968 --> 00:10:26,202 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 263 00:10:27,137 --> 00:10:28,204 And I know this, 264 00:10:28,304 --> 00:10:30,406 people are always telling me to speak up. 265 00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:32,208 "Can you speak up? Can you be a little louder?" 266 00:10:33,443 --> 00:10:34,745 Which, well, I don't like. 267 00:10:34,845 --> 00:10:36,146 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 268 00:10:36,246 --> 00:10:37,814 Like, telling me to speak up, 269 00:10:39,015 --> 00:10:40,050 pretty racist. 270 00:10:40,150 --> 00:10:41,384 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 271 00:10:41,484 --> 00:10:43,219 It's kind of racist, yeah? 272 00:10:43,319 --> 00:10:45,188 I'm not gonna explain why, okay? 273 00:10:46,790 --> 00:10:48,524 Those who get it, get it. 274 00:10:48,624 --> 00:10:49,860 - AUDIENCE: Yeah! - Yeah? 275 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,027 [AUDIENCE WHOOPS] 276 00:10:51,127 --> 00:10:52,162 Those who don't... 277 00:10:55,165 --> 00:10:57,400 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 278 00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:58,634 Good luck out there. 279 00:11:00,503 --> 00:11:02,773 People are always telling me tips, 280 00:11:02,873 --> 00:11:05,275 like, "Use your diaphragm to be a little louder. 281 00:11:05,375 --> 00:11:07,510 "Use your diaphragm," which... That's... 282 00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:10,513 Diaphragm, it's like a membrane 283 00:11:10,613 --> 00:11:12,615 underneath your lungs. That's what that is. 284 00:11:12,715 --> 00:11:14,417 It's supposed to help you project. 285 00:11:14,517 --> 00:11:15,618 Which would be great advice 286 00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:18,021 if it weren't something inside of my body 287 00:11:18,121 --> 00:11:19,923 - I can't control. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 288 00:11:20,023 --> 00:11:21,958 Are you kidding me? My diaphragm? 289 00:11:22,058 --> 00:11:24,460 Like, you know, everybody knows 290 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,563 that your insides do their insides things, right? 291 00:11:27,663 --> 00:11:29,900 So that our outsides, we may do our outsides things. 292 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,201 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 293 00:11:31,301 --> 00:11:33,136 And never the twain shall meet. That's just... 294 00:11:33,236 --> 00:11:35,205 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - ...science. 295 00:11:35,305 --> 00:11:36,739 Are you kidding me? 296 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,208 Use my diaphragm? 297 00:11:38,308 --> 00:11:40,110 What do you want me to do next while I'm in there? 298 00:11:41,477 --> 00:11:42,779 You want me to poke my gallbladder? 299 00:11:42,879 --> 00:11:44,380 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 300 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,116 Do you want me to squeeze my uterus? 301 00:11:46,216 --> 00:11:47,450 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 302 00:11:49,419 --> 00:11:51,754 I mean, I can kind of squeeze my uterus, you know I'm talking about? 303 00:11:51,855 --> 00:11:53,423 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - We can do that. 304 00:11:53,523 --> 00:11:55,158 We can do that, right? Those are... 305 00:11:55,258 --> 00:11:56,759 [AUDIENCE WHOOPS] 306 00:11:56,860 --> 00:11:58,628 Those are called Kegel exercises. 307 00:11:59,729 --> 00:12:03,399 You gotta do them every day, okay? Yeah. 308 00:12:03,499 --> 00:12:06,602 Right? Because you can't skip vag day. 309 00:12:06,702 --> 00:12:09,272 - You can't do it. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 310 00:12:09,372 --> 00:12:10,640 Don't do it. I've been doing them 311 00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:12,008 the whole time I've been up here. 312 00:12:12,108 --> 00:12:14,310 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - You guys didn't even know, huh? 313 00:12:15,846 --> 00:12:17,313 because listen, I've got a tight schedule, 314 00:12:17,413 --> 00:12:19,449 but I need an even tighter... 315 00:12:20,216 --> 00:12:22,252 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 316 00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:26,122 vagina, okay? Don't get ahead of the joke. 317 00:12:27,590 --> 00:12:29,926 I wasn't too worried about my softer voice 318 00:12:30,026 --> 00:12:31,594 until a friend told me, he was like, 319 00:12:31,694 --> 00:12:33,964 "Ugh, you know, being that quiet, 320 00:12:34,064 --> 00:12:36,199 "it makes you seem like a pushover." 321 00:12:36,299 --> 00:12:40,336 Which, I mean, he can say whatever he wants about me. 322 00:12:40,436 --> 00:12:41,437 What am I gonna do? 323 00:12:41,537 --> 00:12:43,073 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 324 00:12:43,173 --> 00:12:44,307 I can't yell at him. 325 00:12:47,143 --> 00:12:49,179 But that gave me the kick in the butt 326 00:12:49,279 --> 00:12:51,714 to, like, make a change, you know, fix this voice thing. 327 00:12:51,814 --> 00:12:54,317 So I did what we all do when we want to make, 328 00:12:54,417 --> 00:12:57,020 like, a drastic transformation in our lives. 329 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,454 I watched a YouTube tutorial. 330 00:12:58,554 --> 00:13:00,423 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 331 00:13:01,491 --> 00:13:03,126 I found this video, it was like, 332 00:13:03,226 --> 00:13:04,327 you know, "How to be louder," 333 00:13:04,427 --> 00:13:06,829 and had this sweet man giving instructions. 334 00:13:06,930 --> 00:13:08,498 He also had a quieter voice, 335 00:13:08,598 --> 00:13:10,867 so, you know, "Gang gang." 336 00:13:10,967 --> 00:13:13,403 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 337 00:13:13,503 --> 00:13:15,371 He had a bit of a receding hairline, 338 00:13:15,471 --> 00:13:17,307 but, you know, this is a voice tutorial, 339 00:13:17,407 --> 00:13:19,075 - not a hair tutorial... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 340 00:13:19,175 --> 00:13:21,611 ...so we can cool it on the judgment, everybody. Jesus. 341 00:13:23,079 --> 00:13:24,580 One of his first tips was that if you want 342 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:27,017 to be louder immediately, you can use twang. 343 00:13:27,117 --> 00:13:28,718 And twang, it's like this thing where, 344 00:13:28,818 --> 00:13:31,321 I guess, you pipe your voice through your nose a little bit. 345 00:13:31,421 --> 00:13:32,889 You get a little more friction. 346 00:13:32,989 --> 00:13:35,425 And that makes you louder. 347 00:13:35,525 --> 00:13:39,495 So I might give a demonstration for you tonight, if that's okay. 348 00:13:39,595 --> 00:13:41,164 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Quickly. Okay. 349 00:13:41,264 --> 00:13:43,033 All right. You know... 350 00:13:43,766 --> 00:13:45,335 You know... 351 00:13:45,435 --> 00:13:47,737 So this is my voice without twang, you know, a little softer. 352 00:13:48,371 --> 00:13:49,372 Right? 353 00:13:49,472 --> 00:13:50,806 And then this is my voice 354 00:13:52,508 --> 00:13:54,344 with twang. It's kind of like... 355 00:13:55,511 --> 00:13:59,382 [SHOUTS NASALLY] 356 00:13:59,482 --> 00:14:00,917 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 357 00:14:02,518 --> 00:14:05,088 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 358 00:14:10,493 --> 00:14:11,527 Pretty good, huh? 359 00:14:13,729 --> 00:14:16,399 And that's just after one video. [CHUCKLES] 360 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,435 So imagine what it'll sound like 361 00:14:19,535 --> 00:14:21,071 after that guy gets hair plugs. 362 00:14:21,171 --> 00:14:22,738 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 363 00:14:22,838 --> 00:14:23,873 Pretty loud. 364 00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:30,080 I think another childish reason I started to do comedy 365 00:14:30,180 --> 00:14:33,683 was that I thought it would make people like me more. 366 00:14:33,783 --> 00:14:37,453 Which is... It's a very kind of icky, insecure thing to say, 367 00:14:37,553 --> 00:14:38,921 but I did, you know? 368 00:14:39,022 --> 00:14:40,890 And I was young, I didn't know at the time that, like, 369 00:14:40,991 --> 00:14:42,492 you can't control what people like, 370 00:14:42,592 --> 00:14:44,827 you drive yourself crazy, right? 371 00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:47,397 And now I'm older, and I feel like the cooler thing to say would be like, 372 00:14:47,497 --> 00:14:51,001 "Oh, now, I give zero fucks," you know? 373 00:14:51,101 --> 00:14:52,435 "Now I tell..." You know? 374 00:14:52,535 --> 00:14:54,404 But no, that's not me either. 375 00:14:55,005 --> 00:14:56,939 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 376 00:14:57,707 --> 00:15:00,310 I give like 35, 36 fucks... 377 00:15:00,410 --> 00:15:01,911 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 378 00:15:02,012 --> 00:15:03,246 ...on a good day, so... 379 00:15:05,281 --> 00:15:07,650 Yeah. Plus, stand-up, it's kind of a desperate, 380 00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:09,319 insecure thing to do, you know? 381 00:15:11,221 --> 00:15:12,855 All I do, I come out here, I'm like, 382 00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:15,125 "And then what about this joke? Do you like me?" 383 00:15:15,225 --> 00:15:17,293 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 384 00:15:22,132 --> 00:15:23,966 "And then, remember, I did the thing with the nose, 385 00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:25,035 then do you like me now?" 386 00:15:25,135 --> 00:15:26,969 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 387 00:15:29,305 --> 00:15:30,973 You know, it's so disgusting. 388 00:15:33,943 --> 00:15:36,779 On top of that, sometimes, you know, we do stand-up, 389 00:15:36,879 --> 00:15:40,116 we put our videos online, some of those videos go viral. 390 00:15:40,216 --> 00:15:42,852 And then you not only learn how much people like you, 391 00:15:43,886 --> 00:15:46,356 but also how much people hate you... 392 00:15:46,456 --> 00:15:48,791 and want you to kill yourself with a blunt object. 393 00:15:48,891 --> 00:15:50,626 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 394 00:15:50,726 --> 00:15:51,761 Even on the weekends. 395 00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:56,866 Fun fact about me, I like to read all of the comments. 396 00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,202 Yeah. 397 00:15:59,302 --> 00:16:01,571 And by "Read," I mean I scroll past all the nicies, 398 00:16:01,671 --> 00:16:02,872 I get right to the meanies. 399 00:16:02,972 --> 00:16:04,240 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 400 00:16:04,340 --> 00:16:06,509 Yeah, because the mean comments, 401 00:16:06,609 --> 00:16:08,978 those are the ones that count, you know that, yeah? 402 00:16:09,079 --> 00:16:12,082 Mean comments, those are the real ones, right? 403 00:16:12,182 --> 00:16:14,217 Because it's kind of like how somebody compliments you. 404 00:16:14,317 --> 00:16:15,485 They're lying. 405 00:16:15,585 --> 00:16:16,586 They're lying to your face, right? 406 00:16:16,686 --> 00:16:18,088 But if they insult you behind your back, 407 00:16:18,188 --> 00:16:19,555 that's the God's honest truth. 408 00:16:19,655 --> 00:16:21,357 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 409 00:16:21,457 --> 00:16:23,493 That's the purest form of expression right there. 410 00:16:25,661 --> 00:16:28,998 So I'll just list off some of my favorite 411 00:16:29,099 --> 00:16:30,233 mean comments, okay? 412 00:16:31,767 --> 00:16:33,336 We've got the classics, okay? 413 00:16:33,436 --> 00:16:36,739 The first one, "I watched the whole video, 414 00:16:36,839 --> 00:16:38,074 "where were the jokes?" 415 00:16:39,209 --> 00:16:40,410 Which, hey... 416 00:16:41,377 --> 00:16:43,179 Look, he's a man, he's lost. 417 00:16:43,279 --> 00:16:45,115 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 418 00:16:45,215 --> 00:16:47,483 I respect a man who asks for directions. 419 00:16:51,221 --> 00:16:52,788 Number two, 420 00:16:52,888 --> 00:16:55,191 "Just more proof women aren't funny." 421 00:16:55,291 --> 00:16:56,692 [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS] 422 00:16:56,792 --> 00:16:57,827 Yeah. 423 00:16:58,661 --> 00:16:59,762 Sorry, ladies. [CHUCKLES] 424 00:16:59,862 --> 00:17:00,863 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 425 00:17:00,963 --> 00:17:02,198 I set us back. 426 00:17:02,298 --> 00:17:04,467 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 427 00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:07,603 And then three, my personal favorite, 428 00:17:07,703 --> 00:17:10,973 "Don't quit your day job at the massage parlor." 429 00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:13,109 [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] 430 00:17:13,209 --> 00:17:14,377 Massage parlor. 431 00:17:14,477 --> 00:17:17,280 It's sort of a sexist, racist reference, right, 432 00:17:17,380 --> 00:17:20,250 to women who work at massage parlors, 433 00:17:20,350 --> 00:17:21,917 Asian women. 434 00:17:22,017 --> 00:17:25,721 They also maybe offer sexual services like hand jobs. 435 00:17:25,821 --> 00:17:28,991 It's sex work, you know? It's a way to pay the bills. 436 00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:31,661 But this guy thought he was jabbing at me 437 00:17:31,761 --> 00:17:33,596 by being like, "You should be doing that job 438 00:17:33,696 --> 00:17:35,431 "instead of the job you want to be doing." 439 00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:41,471 But, uh, you know, joke's on him, 440 00:17:41,571 --> 00:17:44,807 right, because one of my exes 441 00:17:44,907 --> 00:17:46,942 once described my hand jobs 442 00:17:47,042 --> 00:17:48,911 as "Kind of on the painful side," so... 443 00:17:49,011 --> 00:17:50,946 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 444 00:17:55,551 --> 00:17:57,853 I couldn't even get a job at a massage parlor 445 00:17:57,953 --> 00:17:59,955 even if I wanted to, sir. 446 00:18:00,055 --> 00:18:01,524 - Okay? - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 447 00:18:01,624 --> 00:18:03,326 Yeah. Yeah. 448 00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:07,163 Checkmate. 449 00:18:10,266 --> 00:18:11,434 No, but I'm not gonna lie. 450 00:18:11,534 --> 00:18:13,636 Some of those mean comments, they got to me. 451 00:18:13,736 --> 00:18:16,038 All right? I have thin skin. 452 00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:19,809 Okay? I was raised by loving, caring parents, so... 453 00:18:19,909 --> 00:18:22,812 We all know that makes you into a bit of a beta cuck. 454 00:18:25,981 --> 00:18:29,018 You know, I kind of started to give up on comedy. 455 00:18:29,118 --> 00:18:30,085 You know, I would... 456 00:18:30,186 --> 00:18:31,654 I just felt like I wasn't good at it. 457 00:18:31,754 --> 00:18:34,123 Why bother, you know? 458 00:18:34,224 --> 00:18:37,126 And I would still perform, I would still do it, 459 00:18:37,227 --> 00:18:40,663 but I just... My heart wasn't in it anymore. 460 00:18:40,763 --> 00:18:42,832 Kind of like the way I give hand jobs. 461 00:18:42,932 --> 00:18:45,167 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 462 00:18:45,268 --> 00:18:47,203 But don't worry. I started to focus on new goals. 463 00:18:47,303 --> 00:18:48,738 You know, new goals. 464 00:18:48,838 --> 00:18:52,275 Things I felt like I could actually accomplish, right? 465 00:18:52,375 --> 00:18:56,011 Like, for instance, this is new for me to say out loud, 466 00:18:56,111 --> 00:18:59,949 but it's actually one of my lifelong goals now, um... 467 00:19:00,650 --> 00:19:01,917 to never be murdered. 468 00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:04,354 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING] - Never... 469 00:19:04,454 --> 00:19:05,855 Yeah. Thank you. 470 00:19:05,955 --> 00:19:07,357 Wow. Get that off my chest. 471 00:19:08,791 --> 00:19:09,992 Yeah. 472 00:19:10,092 --> 00:19:11,361 I know, very ambitious of me. 473 00:19:11,461 --> 00:19:14,330 I put it on my vision board and everything. 474 00:19:14,430 --> 00:19:17,667 Not even once, but I've taken steps to get there. 475 00:19:17,767 --> 00:19:19,235 Like, I got pepper spray. 476 00:19:19,335 --> 00:19:21,070 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Yeah. 477 00:19:21,170 --> 00:19:23,439 Baby's first pepper spray. Hell, yeah. 478 00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:24,874 I got that guy in my purse, 479 00:19:24,974 --> 00:19:26,942 so if anyone's thinking of attacking me 480 00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:28,043 after the show... 481 00:19:28,143 --> 00:19:29,445 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 482 00:19:29,545 --> 00:19:30,713 ...game on, buddy. 483 00:19:33,883 --> 00:19:36,252 I actually ordered it online, the pepper spray. 484 00:19:36,352 --> 00:19:37,420 It came in the mail. 485 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,355 It's kind of in a hard, plastic casing. 486 00:19:39,455 --> 00:19:42,358 I couldn't... you know, I was trying to get it open, but I'm pretty weak, 487 00:19:42,458 --> 00:19:44,694 which is why I need the pepper spray. Um... 488 00:19:44,794 --> 00:19:46,128 I try to get in there... 489 00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:48,130 So, it's it's in my bag, 490 00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:49,699 but it's still stuck in the plastic. 491 00:19:49,799 --> 00:19:52,201 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 492 00:19:52,302 --> 00:19:54,637 I'm just hoping a guy pulls a knife on me soon, 493 00:19:54,737 --> 00:19:58,007 so he can help me fucking open that thing. 494 00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:02,378 Damn it, I'll spray him in the eyes as a thank you. 495 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,148 Another self-defense tip, they say, 496 00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:07,983 is like, say you're walking alone at night, 497 00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:11,554 you know, and your pepper spray is still stuck in the plastic, 498 00:20:11,654 --> 00:20:14,724 you can actually use your car keys or house keys 499 00:20:14,824 --> 00:20:16,091 and put them in between your fingers. 500 00:20:16,191 --> 00:20:17,226 Kind of like this. 501 00:20:18,594 --> 00:20:21,230 And then you're Wolverine and you can't die. 502 00:20:21,331 --> 00:20:22,398 Yeah, you just heal. 503 00:20:22,498 --> 00:20:24,199 It's crazy. You're in a ton of movies. 504 00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:27,803 Jacked his fuck. Uh... 505 00:20:27,903 --> 00:20:30,606 No, that's sort of a weapon, right, when you put it there. 506 00:20:30,706 --> 00:20:33,443 Or actually, you hold it like a knife, that's better. 507 00:20:33,543 --> 00:20:35,177 And then, you know, if an aggressor 508 00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:37,347 or a murderer is coming at you, right, 509 00:20:37,447 --> 00:20:39,114 you take that... 510 00:20:39,214 --> 00:20:42,352 You take that and then you stab him in the throat! 511 00:20:42,452 --> 00:20:43,786 You get him right in the soft spot! 512 00:20:43,886 --> 00:20:45,555 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Yeah. 513 00:20:48,791 --> 00:20:50,826 Or her. Or her, you know? 514 00:20:50,926 --> 00:20:53,696 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Right? Because I'm a feminist. 515 00:20:53,796 --> 00:20:55,531 Okay? 516 00:20:55,631 --> 00:20:58,968 And look, I believe in equal pay, but also equal stabbing. 517 00:20:59,068 --> 00:21:00,202 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 518 00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:02,004 #closethestabgap 519 00:21:03,072 --> 00:21:04,507 We have that power. All right, no. 520 00:21:04,607 --> 00:21:06,041 I mean, you know, you have that weapon, 521 00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:07,943 and then you stab him or her in the throat, 522 00:21:08,043 --> 00:21:09,078 get him there... 523 00:21:11,547 --> 00:21:13,983 And also, what is gender, right? 524 00:21:14,083 --> 00:21:15,851 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 525 00:21:15,951 --> 00:21:18,488 Really, because statistically, yes, 526 00:21:18,588 --> 00:21:20,055 my attacker is gonna be a cis-man. 527 00:21:20,155 --> 00:21:21,657 but why is that, huh? 528 00:21:23,225 --> 00:21:25,628 Is it because, you know, we condition men 529 00:21:25,728 --> 00:21:29,164 to only express their emotion through anger, violence? 530 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:31,667 When he's trying to hurt me, 531 00:21:31,767 --> 00:21:34,704 is it because he's the one who's hurt? 532 00:21:34,804 --> 00:21:36,238 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 533 00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:37,373 On the inside. 534 00:21:40,075 --> 00:21:41,611 So anyway, you stab him in the throat, 535 00:21:42,812 --> 00:21:44,346 you get him right in the jugular, 536 00:21:44,447 --> 00:21:45,515 you let him bleed out, 537 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,690 - and then who's the murderer now? Hoo-hoo. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 538 00:21:54,790 --> 00:21:57,493 Ooh, yeah. The woman. Oh! 539 00:21:57,593 --> 00:21:59,995 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - A little subversion. 540 00:22:01,864 --> 00:22:04,534 The student becomes the teacher, as they say. 541 00:22:06,001 --> 00:22:07,603 Yes. 542 00:22:07,703 --> 00:22:08,904 I talk about self-defense a lot. 543 00:22:09,004 --> 00:22:11,040 I think about it too much, I think. 544 00:22:11,140 --> 00:22:14,577 It's because, you know, look, do other women feel this way? 545 00:22:14,677 --> 00:22:16,546 I feel like I was raised, as a girl, 546 00:22:16,646 --> 00:22:19,281 to just be like a prey animal, you know? 547 00:22:19,381 --> 00:22:20,750 Just like a field rabbit out there, 548 00:22:20,850 --> 00:22:22,718 just with ears and eyes looking out for rapists. 549 00:22:22,818 --> 00:22:25,855 - Where's the rapists? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 550 00:22:25,955 --> 00:22:28,257 I'm sorry. I looked right at my dad when I said that. 551 00:22:28,357 --> 00:22:29,692 I'm sorry. 552 00:22:29,792 --> 00:22:31,527 We'll talk about it later. We'll talk about it later. 553 00:22:34,897 --> 00:22:37,366 Where's the rapist? You know, it's just... It's instinct. 554 00:22:39,401 --> 00:22:41,971 Honestly, it's because I had a very cautious mom, 555 00:22:42,071 --> 00:22:43,806 growing up, you know? 556 00:22:43,906 --> 00:22:49,078 Even for tonight's show, she was a little bit like, "Okay, are you sure 557 00:22:50,045 --> 00:22:51,681 "it's a comedy show taping?" 558 00:22:51,781 --> 00:22:53,983 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 559 00:22:54,083 --> 00:22:57,386 "It's... It's not a trap..." 560 00:22:57,487 --> 00:22:59,221 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 561 00:22:59,321 --> 00:23:01,056 "...set by child molesters?" 562 00:23:02,492 --> 00:23:04,460 My mom also will do that thing 563 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,428 where she likes to pre-traumatize me 564 00:23:07,897 --> 00:23:10,966 in order to scare me away from real trauma, right? 565 00:23:11,066 --> 00:23:14,169 Like, get this, she'll just... 566 00:23:14,269 --> 00:23:17,673 message me details about local murders. 567 00:23:17,773 --> 00:23:20,342 Just two keep me on my toes, you know? 568 00:23:20,442 --> 00:23:22,745 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 569 00:23:22,845 --> 00:23:24,480 She texted me, "Hey, Sierra, 570 00:23:25,781 --> 00:23:27,116 "there was a girl nearby. 571 00:23:29,218 --> 00:23:30,185 "About your age." 572 00:23:30,285 --> 00:23:32,054 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 573 00:23:32,922 --> 00:23:33,923 "Kind of looked like you." 574 00:23:34,023 --> 00:23:35,491 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 575 00:23:36,592 --> 00:23:37,827 "She was dragged out into the woods, 576 00:23:37,927 --> 00:23:40,696 "raped, murdered, beheaded, the whole shebang. 577 00:23:40,796 --> 00:23:42,164 "Police never found a trace. 578 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,002 "So be careful out there." 579 00:23:47,102 --> 00:23:49,304 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 580 00:23:50,906 --> 00:23:53,676 I look at that, I go, "Whoa, [CHUCKLES] 581 00:23:53,776 --> 00:23:56,445 "police never found a trace, then, Mom, how do you know? 582 00:23:56,546 --> 00:23:57,647 "Did you kill this bitch? Jesus." 583 00:23:59,448 --> 00:24:01,316 Oh, my God. 584 00:24:01,416 --> 00:24:03,919 My dad had a slightly different technique. 585 00:24:04,019 --> 00:24:07,156 I remember, when I was a kid, you know, I was getting ready for bed, 586 00:24:07,256 --> 00:24:10,826 and in my childhood bedroom, my bed was right by the window. 587 00:24:11,994 --> 00:24:13,028 My first mistake. 588 00:24:14,664 --> 00:24:17,499 Because little did I know, my dad had exited the house, 589 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,501 scurried around the perimeter, 590 00:24:19,602 --> 00:24:21,070 and then popped his head right by my bed! 591 00:24:21,170 --> 00:24:22,772 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 592 00:24:24,339 --> 00:24:28,510 And you know how there's fight or flight, 593 00:24:28,611 --> 00:24:29,979 two really good survival instincts 594 00:24:30,079 --> 00:24:31,446 we should all partake in. 595 00:24:32,682 --> 00:24:34,750 Well, I chose option C, and I just froze. 596 00:24:34,850 --> 00:24:36,819 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 597 00:24:36,919 --> 00:24:38,654 And he looked at that and said, "See, 598 00:24:39,755 --> 00:24:41,056 "you would have been dead." 599 00:24:41,156 --> 00:24:43,092 - And then poof, he disappeared. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 600 00:24:43,192 --> 00:24:44,293 I never saw him again. 601 00:24:46,095 --> 00:24:49,098 - He stuck around and raised me, but, hey... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 602 00:24:49,198 --> 00:24:50,365 ...I'm lucky to be alive, right? 603 00:24:50,465 --> 00:24:52,367 We don't thank our fathers enough 604 00:24:52,467 --> 00:24:54,369 for not just murdering us in our sleep, I think. 605 00:24:56,205 --> 00:24:58,708 I know my parents do these weird things because they... 606 00:24:58,808 --> 00:25:01,376 They worry, you know? 607 00:25:01,476 --> 00:25:04,246 And look, I get it, I'm their only daughter 608 00:25:05,681 --> 00:25:07,717 who's not my bitch of a sister, so... 609 00:25:08,651 --> 00:25:11,153 Yikes. The stakes are high. 610 00:25:13,122 --> 00:25:15,457 I'm kidding. My sister's here, too. Shout out to her. 611 00:25:15,557 --> 00:25:18,160 - We'll talk about it later. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 612 00:25:20,495 --> 00:25:21,764 I love my sister. Uh... 613 00:25:21,864 --> 00:25:23,933 I hope this is okay for me to stay here. 614 00:25:25,134 --> 00:25:27,569 She has actually some exciting news. 615 00:25:27,670 --> 00:25:30,372 Uh, my sister is trying to get pregnant. 616 00:25:30,472 --> 00:25:33,108 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 617 00:25:36,178 --> 00:25:37,212 Bit of a slut. 618 00:25:38,848 --> 00:25:40,449 Slutty thing to do. Uh... 619 00:25:41,751 --> 00:25:45,621 No, I'm kidding. Her and her long-term husband 620 00:25:45,721 --> 00:25:48,658 - are having unprotected sex, so... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 621 00:25:48,758 --> 00:25:50,025 TMI. Uh... 622 00:25:51,761 --> 00:25:53,062 No, I'm excited for them, 623 00:25:53,162 --> 00:25:55,464 and I'm excited to be an aunt for the first time. 624 00:25:55,564 --> 00:25:57,900 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Yeah, I know. 625 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,936 I'm gonna be a fun aunt, or a funt. That's... 626 00:26:01,036 --> 00:26:02,104 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 627 00:26:02,204 --> 00:26:03,605 Funty Sierra, Dirty Little Funt, 628 00:26:03,706 --> 00:26:05,941 - whatever the kid wants to call me. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 629 00:26:06,041 --> 00:26:07,076 Whatever sticks. 630 00:26:08,944 --> 00:26:12,748 But I think when people hear, you know, my sister is married, 631 00:26:12,848 --> 00:26:14,984 she's apparently having more productive sex than me... 632 00:26:15,084 --> 00:26:16,385 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 633 00:26:16,485 --> 00:26:19,588 ...they think that I might feel a little inferior. 634 00:26:19,689 --> 00:26:21,791 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - No, I'm... 635 00:26:21,891 --> 00:26:24,626 I don't feel in competition with my sister. I... 636 00:26:24,727 --> 00:26:26,328 She won that a long time ago. Uh... 637 00:26:28,163 --> 00:26:31,133 If anything, I feel in competition with... 638 00:26:31,233 --> 00:26:32,835 her unborn baby, right? 639 00:26:32,935 --> 00:26:33,969 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 640 00:26:34,069 --> 00:26:36,205 Yeah. 641 00:26:36,305 --> 00:26:39,441 Listen, I've been the baby of the family, right? 642 00:26:39,541 --> 00:26:41,711 Undefeated champ. 643 00:26:41,811 --> 00:26:44,313 Now a real baby is gonna come in and take my spot? Mmm. 644 00:26:45,214 --> 00:26:46,949 Don't think so. 645 00:26:47,049 --> 00:26:48,383 I'm gonna have to fight this baby. 646 00:26:48,483 --> 00:26:49,819 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 647 00:26:49,919 --> 00:26:52,287 Okay? I don't want to have to do it. 648 00:26:52,387 --> 00:26:53,923 But as the prophecy foretells, 649 00:26:55,590 --> 00:26:57,526 neither can live while the other survives. 650 00:26:57,626 --> 00:26:59,128 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 651 00:26:59,228 --> 00:27:01,330 That's a Harry Potter Voldemort reference. 652 00:27:01,430 --> 00:27:02,965 Some of you laughed. 653 00:27:03,065 --> 00:27:04,666 Those are the J. K. Rowling apologists. 654 00:27:04,767 --> 00:27:06,035 Get them out of the building. 655 00:27:08,503 --> 00:27:11,306 I should come clean. That baby's been born. That baby... 656 00:27:11,406 --> 00:27:13,075 That's an old joke. So... 657 00:27:13,175 --> 00:27:14,376 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 658 00:27:14,476 --> 00:27:16,378 I know. That baby's, like, 659 00:27:16,478 --> 00:27:18,113 32. I don't know what the fuck... 660 00:27:19,014 --> 00:27:20,149 Why am I still saying that joke? 661 00:27:20,249 --> 00:27:21,683 It's a funny joke, right? 662 00:27:21,784 --> 00:27:23,719 What am I gonna do? Write a new one? Are you kidding me? 663 00:27:25,855 --> 00:27:28,724 One thing they do say is, if your sibling has a kid, 664 00:27:28,824 --> 00:27:30,159 you're more likely to have a kid. 665 00:27:32,194 --> 00:27:33,662 Challenge accepted, right? 666 00:27:34,596 --> 00:27:35,664 Let's see that happen. 667 00:27:35,765 --> 00:27:38,200 I don't know. I get it. I get it, right. 668 00:27:38,300 --> 00:27:39,568 Because I love my nephew so much. 669 00:27:39,668 --> 00:27:41,503 He's so cute. And I'm his little funty. 670 00:27:41,603 --> 00:27:42,905 So cute, right? 671 00:27:43,005 --> 00:27:44,539 I love him... 672 00:27:44,639 --> 00:27:46,976 And my favorite thing about him is that he's not mine. Right? 673 00:27:47,076 --> 00:27:48,477 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 674 00:27:48,577 --> 00:27:50,345 He's not mine. We've have fun tonight. Okay, enough. 675 00:27:50,445 --> 00:27:52,714 [CHUCKLES] No-take-back-ies. 676 00:27:53,315 --> 00:27:54,383 Ew. 677 00:27:56,685 --> 00:27:59,621 And things remind me more of having kids, though. 678 00:27:59,721 --> 00:28:01,690 Like, I was just driving on the freeway, 679 00:28:01,791 --> 00:28:03,225 I saw this billboard, 680 00:28:03,325 --> 00:28:07,729 and it had a little cute, little baby handprint on it. 681 00:28:07,830 --> 00:28:10,432 And it said, "Fingerprints at nine weeks." 682 00:28:11,700 --> 00:28:14,904 So I guess it was an anti-abortion billboard 683 00:28:15,004 --> 00:28:17,372 that was basically saying, like, at nine weeks, 684 00:28:17,472 --> 00:28:20,776 the embryo developed something resembling fingerprints. 685 00:28:20,876 --> 00:28:22,711 So maybe think about it. 686 00:28:24,179 --> 00:28:25,948 Right? I was like, "Oh, shit." 687 00:28:27,216 --> 00:28:28,918 So if I were to get pregnant, 688 00:28:29,018 --> 00:28:31,921 and then the embryo had fingerprints 689 00:28:32,021 --> 00:28:33,288 unique to that embryo, 690 00:28:34,857 --> 00:28:37,392 and then that embryo commits a crime, 691 00:28:37,492 --> 00:28:39,561 that crime can get traced back to me. 692 00:28:39,661 --> 00:28:41,897 Oh, fuck, no! I better abort the shit out of the embryo! 693 00:28:41,997 --> 00:28:44,399 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Kidding me? Right? 694 00:28:46,068 --> 00:28:48,070 I was on the fence before, but then I saw that billboard, 695 00:28:48,170 --> 00:28:49,404 I was like, "Jesus Christ, yeah. 696 00:28:49,504 --> 00:28:51,273 "Scrape this criminal clump of cells out of me." 697 00:28:51,373 --> 00:28:52,774 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Ugh! 698 00:28:53,442 --> 00:28:54,476 No give-back-sies. 699 00:28:57,379 --> 00:28:59,014 So, yeah, and I'm at a stage in my life 700 00:28:59,114 --> 00:29:00,782 where, you know, I don't see 701 00:29:00,883 --> 00:29:02,818 a lot of failed abortions running around. 702 00:29:02,918 --> 00:29:06,055 Or kids. Sorry. Kids running around. Jesus, what do you call them? 703 00:29:06,155 --> 00:29:07,356 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 704 00:29:07,456 --> 00:29:09,624 I don't see a lot of kids, sorry, 705 00:29:09,724 --> 00:29:11,426 running around. 706 00:29:11,526 --> 00:29:13,462 I don't have a lot of friends who have kids, right? 707 00:29:13,562 --> 00:29:15,264 I'm a childless adult living in a city. 708 00:29:15,364 --> 00:29:18,600 So, you know, I see kids on TV. 709 00:29:20,970 --> 00:29:23,605 Which, kids on TV, they're not like kids in real life. 710 00:29:23,705 --> 00:29:24,739 They don't tell you this. 711 00:29:26,241 --> 00:29:29,311 Kids on TV, they're like, 25. 712 00:29:29,411 --> 00:29:30,846 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 713 00:29:32,314 --> 00:29:33,315 Pretty hot. 714 00:29:33,415 --> 00:29:34,850 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 715 00:29:36,986 --> 00:29:38,854 Kids in real life, young. 716 00:29:38,954 --> 00:29:40,956 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 717 00:29:41,056 --> 00:29:42,391 Ugly as fuck. 718 00:29:42,491 --> 00:29:43,825 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 719 00:29:45,494 --> 00:29:47,696 I live very close to a middle school, though, 720 00:29:47,796 --> 00:29:50,299 which, I realize, if I peek outside my window 721 00:29:50,399 --> 00:29:51,566 at just the right time... 722 00:29:51,666 --> 00:29:53,702 Sorry, that's creepy. At just the wrong time... 723 00:29:53,802 --> 00:29:55,004 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 724 00:29:55,104 --> 00:29:56,705 Sorry. 725 00:29:56,805 --> 00:29:58,874 I see kids walking home from school, you know? 726 00:29:58,974 --> 00:30:00,575 And it's beautiful, you know, it's nice to see, 727 00:30:00,675 --> 00:30:02,844 like, the youth still thriving out there. 728 00:30:02,945 --> 00:30:05,547 Yeah, because I mean, for me, 729 00:30:05,647 --> 00:30:09,184 spotting a kid in the wild today, 730 00:30:09,284 --> 00:30:12,021 it's like spotting a classic car still on the road. 731 00:30:13,122 --> 00:30:15,124 You know? "Wow. 732 00:30:15,224 --> 00:30:16,758 "I didn't know people were still making those." 733 00:30:16,858 --> 00:30:18,193 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 734 00:30:20,095 --> 00:30:22,397 Didn't we agree they're kind of bad for the environment? 735 00:30:22,497 --> 00:30:24,233 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 736 00:30:25,834 --> 00:30:27,302 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 737 00:30:28,037 --> 00:30:29,204 I guess it's fine. 738 00:30:32,441 --> 00:30:34,009 But clearly, I don't know if I want kids. 739 00:30:34,109 --> 00:30:36,245 You know, could still happen. 740 00:30:36,345 --> 00:30:37,746 I recently got engaged. 741 00:30:38,513 --> 00:30:39,949 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 742 00:30:40,049 --> 00:30:41,083 Yeah. 743 00:30:41,850 --> 00:30:42,884 Thank you. 744 00:30:44,319 --> 00:30:45,387 To the love of my life. 745 00:30:45,487 --> 00:30:46,721 You know, we met really young. 746 00:30:46,821 --> 00:30:48,623 We met when I was 19, 747 00:30:48,723 --> 00:30:50,459 and he was 47, and... 748 00:30:50,559 --> 00:30:53,728 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 749 00:30:53,828 --> 00:30:56,631 No, he was 12. He went to the middle school, so it was really convenient. 750 00:30:56,731 --> 00:30:57,933 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 751 00:30:59,434 --> 00:31:01,370 No. No, he was a year older. 752 00:31:01,470 --> 00:31:02,837 We met my second year of college, 753 00:31:02,938 --> 00:31:06,308 and then we've been together ever since, so yeah. 754 00:31:06,408 --> 00:31:08,610 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Thank you. Yeah. 755 00:31:11,213 --> 00:31:15,951 And, hey, that was eight years before we got engaged. 756 00:31:16,051 --> 00:31:19,121 So, yeah. I mean, I think being together that long, 757 00:31:19,221 --> 00:31:20,455 I wanted the engagement 758 00:31:20,555 --> 00:31:23,492 to feel less like a traditional betrothal 759 00:31:23,592 --> 00:31:25,961 and more like an ultimatum. 760 00:31:26,061 --> 00:31:27,862 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - You know. 761 00:31:30,065 --> 00:31:31,433 But hey, gun to his head, 762 00:31:31,533 --> 00:31:34,769 he fucking committed. You know what I mean? Aww. 763 00:31:34,869 --> 00:31:37,239 If that's not true love, I don't want it. 764 00:31:39,841 --> 00:31:41,810 I'm super lucky. I feel lucky. 765 00:31:41,910 --> 00:31:43,312 Any other long-termers out here? 766 00:31:43,412 --> 00:31:45,080 Long-term relationship folks. 767 00:31:45,180 --> 00:31:47,116 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - All right, all right. 768 00:31:47,216 --> 00:31:48,917 Okay. My parents didn't cheer. 769 00:31:49,018 --> 00:31:51,386 - Wow. Um... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 770 00:31:51,486 --> 00:31:55,590 Because of my situation, I haven't really dated in my adult life. 771 00:31:55,690 --> 00:31:57,192 I know that's a little controversial 772 00:31:57,292 --> 00:31:59,628 when I tell single friends who have been single for a while. 773 00:32:00,895 --> 00:32:02,764 It's kind of like telling a war veteran 774 00:32:02,864 --> 00:32:04,099 that you dodged the draft. 775 00:32:04,199 --> 00:32:05,800 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 776 00:32:05,900 --> 00:32:08,503 You're like, "Oh, my God, I'm sorry." 777 00:32:09,638 --> 00:32:10,839 Bone spurs. 778 00:32:10,939 --> 00:32:12,341 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 779 00:32:14,209 --> 00:32:16,545 And my single friends, they always want to tell me 780 00:32:16,645 --> 00:32:19,314 their horror stories of dating. Phew. 781 00:32:19,414 --> 00:32:20,982 Right. They're like... [IN HOARSE VOICE] "You do not know 782 00:32:21,983 --> 00:32:23,152 "what I've been through." 783 00:32:24,286 --> 00:32:26,055 Which... 784 00:32:26,155 --> 00:32:28,157 All my single friends smoke, I guess, that's why they sound like that. 785 00:32:28,257 --> 00:32:29,858 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - But... 786 00:32:30,992 --> 00:32:32,627 They're like, "Back in '22..." 787 00:32:33,128 --> 00:32:34,529 Jesus. 788 00:32:34,629 --> 00:32:38,333 "Back in '22, we lost my best friend, Lisa, 789 00:32:38,433 --> 00:32:40,069 "to a flotilla of fuckboys." 790 00:32:40,169 --> 00:32:42,871 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 791 00:32:42,971 --> 00:32:45,440 These fuckboys, they're coming by land and by sea. 792 00:32:47,109 --> 00:32:48,777 They'll be like, "Back in 'Nam..." 793 00:32:50,412 --> 00:32:53,348 Which 'Nam? That's just a Vietnamese restaurant 794 00:32:53,448 --> 00:32:55,184 they go on dates to. I don't know. 795 00:32:55,284 --> 00:32:57,486 What do they call it? It's just pho, okay? 796 00:32:57,586 --> 00:32:58,620 "Back in 'Nam, 797 00:33:00,422 --> 00:33:02,824 "a date offered to pay, 798 00:33:02,924 --> 00:33:05,026 "and then he Venmo requested me on the way home." 799 00:33:05,127 --> 00:33:06,628 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 800 00:33:08,097 --> 00:33:09,131 It's my fault. 801 00:33:11,066 --> 00:33:14,103 Yeah. So, hey, to all my single folks out there, 802 00:33:14,203 --> 00:33:17,206 - thank you for your service. Really. Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 803 00:33:23,378 --> 00:33:24,946 Because of you, we are free, right? 804 00:33:25,046 --> 00:33:26,881 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 805 00:33:28,083 --> 00:33:30,119 No. 806 00:33:30,219 --> 00:33:33,021 But the last time I dated, I was in college, you know? 807 00:33:33,122 --> 00:33:35,524 So that mindset is still tied to that time. 808 00:33:35,624 --> 00:33:37,592 So, if anyone hits on me now, 809 00:33:37,692 --> 00:33:39,060 I'm like, "God, pedophile." 810 00:33:39,161 --> 00:33:41,496 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - "I'm 16." 811 00:33:43,732 --> 00:33:45,600 Which then I realized, "Fuck, I'm a grown woman. 812 00:33:45,700 --> 00:33:49,304 "Actually, you have great taste and you're not a pedophile. 813 00:33:49,404 --> 00:33:52,574 "But ta-ta, I am betrothed to another," you know? 814 00:33:52,674 --> 00:33:54,276 I haven't been single in a while. I don't know how to talk. 815 00:33:56,278 --> 00:33:58,880 Speaking of getting hit on, though, I was recently 816 00:33:58,980 --> 00:34:00,515 hit on by a teen. 817 00:34:03,718 --> 00:34:04,819 Still got it. Okay. 818 00:34:04,919 --> 00:34:06,921 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 819 00:34:07,021 --> 00:34:08,290 All right. Who's the pedophile now? 820 00:34:08,390 --> 00:34:10,159 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 821 00:34:10,259 --> 00:34:12,127 No, I said "no," of course. 822 00:34:13,428 --> 00:34:15,096 And look, I knew he was a teen 823 00:34:15,197 --> 00:34:18,800 because he had the acne for the job. 824 00:34:18,900 --> 00:34:21,536 He was wearing a sweatshirt that said "Class of 2088" 825 00:34:21,636 --> 00:34:23,205 or whatever godforsaken year 826 00:34:24,038 --> 00:34:25,307 they're graduating in. 827 00:34:27,008 --> 00:34:28,743 And he thought I was a fellow teen 828 00:34:28,843 --> 00:34:32,314 because, you know, I can look a little younger than I am. 829 00:34:32,414 --> 00:34:33,948 Especially if I'm not wearing makeup. 830 00:34:34,949 --> 00:34:36,751 And if I'm wearing a backpack... 831 00:34:36,851 --> 00:34:38,187 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 832 00:34:38,287 --> 00:34:40,289 ...with school supplies in it. 833 00:34:40,389 --> 00:34:41,790 A little protractor sticking out, 834 00:34:41,890 --> 00:34:43,925 you know, it tends to age me down. 835 00:34:45,727 --> 00:34:50,699 I'm also a longtime subscriber to "Asian don't raisin." 836 00:34:50,799 --> 00:34:52,634 - You guys... Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 837 00:34:53,402 --> 00:34:54,669 I didn't make that up. 838 00:34:54,769 --> 00:34:56,471 Okay, right. Asian don't raisin. That's sort of a... 839 00:34:56,571 --> 00:34:59,107 It's a rhyme. It just means Asians age well. 840 00:34:59,208 --> 00:35:02,277 It's similar to "Black don't crack" 841 00:35:02,377 --> 00:35:03,978 or "Brown don't frown." 842 00:35:05,314 --> 00:35:07,449 Yeah, you know, I don't know why we keep 843 00:35:07,549 --> 00:35:09,684 all these weirdly racist rhymes around. 844 00:35:09,784 --> 00:35:12,120 It's just, you know, it's a lot. It's a lot of words. 845 00:35:13,322 --> 00:35:16,225 Just... Kind of just say, 846 00:35:16,325 --> 00:35:18,527 "White people don't age so well." You know? 847 00:35:18,627 --> 00:35:19,994 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 848 00:35:20,094 --> 00:35:21,663 I don't know why we're tiptoeing around that one, right? 849 00:35:21,763 --> 00:35:23,665 Woo. You know? 850 00:35:26,635 --> 00:35:29,137 And hey, look, it's beautiful to age. 851 00:35:29,238 --> 00:35:32,073 It's not... It's totally fine to age, I think. 852 00:35:32,173 --> 00:35:35,176 It means you lived your life. You know, nothing wrong with that. 853 00:35:35,277 --> 00:35:37,045 But I'm just saying for, like, efficiency sake, 854 00:35:37,145 --> 00:35:40,181 you know, if we could just do one rhyme, cut to the chase. 855 00:35:40,282 --> 00:35:42,751 We're not getting any younger. Especially not white people, so... 856 00:35:42,851 --> 00:35:44,052 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 857 00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:46,655 I said it again. 858 00:35:48,089 --> 00:35:50,492 But what about "Caucasians do raisin." That's... 859 00:35:53,027 --> 00:35:54,396 That's right there. Ready to go. 860 00:35:56,164 --> 00:35:57,899 "White guys better moisturize." That one... 861 00:35:57,999 --> 00:36:00,735 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 862 00:36:00,835 --> 00:36:04,839 Right. It's gendered, but it has instructions baked in, so... 863 00:36:04,939 --> 00:36:06,675 I'd love to lotion, throw in some sunscreen. 864 00:36:06,775 --> 00:36:07,809 Get a little crazy. 865 00:36:09,444 --> 00:36:11,913 And it's not all it's cracked up to be to look young 866 00:36:12,013 --> 00:36:13,682 or, you know... I think sometimes 867 00:36:13,782 --> 00:36:17,419 I feel young and unaccomplished for my age. 868 00:36:17,952 --> 00:36:19,254 Yeah. 869 00:36:19,354 --> 00:36:22,424 Like, I did this recently. Don't do this. 870 00:36:22,524 --> 00:36:24,693 I compared where I'm at in my life 871 00:36:24,793 --> 00:36:26,094 to my parents at my age. 872 00:36:26,895 --> 00:36:27,962 Yeah. 873 00:36:28,062 --> 00:36:30,532 Get this, by my age, 28, 874 00:36:30,632 --> 00:36:34,035 my dad already had a full-grown mustache. 875 00:36:34,135 --> 00:36:37,105 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Just a full mouth bush. 876 00:36:37,205 --> 00:36:39,173 I'm still over here penciling my eyebrows. 877 00:36:40,074 --> 00:36:42,076 Like a fucking dunce. 878 00:36:44,379 --> 00:36:46,548 Probably the most mature thing that I've done 879 00:36:47,649 --> 00:36:49,284 so far, 880 00:36:49,384 --> 00:36:51,753 is buy a duvet cover. That's... 881 00:36:51,853 --> 00:36:52,987 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 882 00:36:53,087 --> 00:36:55,857 Yeah. Hey. You know, yeah. 883 00:36:57,091 --> 00:36:59,461 I made a little money last year. 884 00:36:59,561 --> 00:37:02,096 - Decided to splurge, and... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 885 00:37:02,196 --> 00:37:04,232 You know, what they don't say is basically, 886 00:37:04,333 --> 00:37:05,600 a duvet cover, fancy name, 887 00:37:05,700 --> 00:37:08,269 but it's basically just a condom for your comforter, 888 00:37:08,370 --> 00:37:09,804 - are you kidding me? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 889 00:37:09,904 --> 00:37:13,808 Right? Practice safe sleep, kids. It's very simple. 890 00:37:13,908 --> 00:37:17,946 But what they don't tell you about the duvet cover tax bracket, 891 00:37:18,046 --> 00:37:21,583 is I woke up after just one sleep 892 00:37:21,683 --> 00:37:23,485 and all the meat of the duvet 893 00:37:23,585 --> 00:37:26,187 - was just pushed to the back corner... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 894 00:37:26,287 --> 00:37:28,122 ...of the cover. Are you kidding me? 895 00:37:28,222 --> 00:37:29,658 Right? Just all of it to the back. 896 00:37:29,758 --> 00:37:34,262 And I had to spend my precious unemployed hours 897 00:37:34,363 --> 00:37:36,498 just fucking kneading that thing back to factory. 898 00:37:36,598 --> 00:37:38,132 Just smoothing that out with a rolling pin. 899 00:37:38,232 --> 00:37:40,702 Holding the corners like a shivering Chihuahua. 900 00:37:40,802 --> 00:37:42,170 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 901 00:37:42,737 --> 00:37:43,772 Degrading. 902 00:37:44,773 --> 00:37:46,941 You know? Biggie was right. 903 00:37:48,443 --> 00:37:49,878 "More money, more problems." 904 00:37:49,978 --> 00:37:51,312 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 905 00:37:52,447 --> 00:37:54,315 - Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 906 00:37:58,319 --> 00:38:00,522 So... 907 00:38:00,622 --> 00:38:02,724 You bet the next day I went back to raw-dogging it. 908 00:38:02,824 --> 00:38:05,694 - You know, I just... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 909 00:38:05,794 --> 00:38:07,496 I remember where I came from. And... 910 00:38:09,598 --> 00:38:10,865 I also bought myself a couch. 911 00:38:11,933 --> 00:38:14,302 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Yeah. 912 00:38:14,403 --> 00:38:16,337 Off of Craigslist, because I like a little danger. 913 00:38:16,438 --> 00:38:18,740 - And... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 914 00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:20,809 Yeah, I was proud of this sale, you know, 915 00:38:20,909 --> 00:38:24,579 because, look, I negotiated to get the seller 916 00:38:24,679 --> 00:38:27,315 to come deliver the couch for me for free. 917 00:38:27,416 --> 00:38:29,350 So not only did I get a pretty decent couch 918 00:38:29,451 --> 00:38:30,685 for a good price, 919 00:38:30,785 --> 00:38:33,522 I also got a stranger to know where I live... 920 00:38:33,622 --> 00:38:34,723 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 921 00:38:34,823 --> 00:38:36,224 ...and know I'm too weak to carry a couch, 922 00:38:36,324 --> 00:38:39,494 let alone defend myself. So... 923 00:38:39,594 --> 00:38:41,430 So I hope he helps me open my pepper spray 924 00:38:41,530 --> 00:38:43,465 - so I can... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 925 00:38:46,635 --> 00:38:48,403 Comparison is tough, okay? 926 00:38:48,503 --> 00:38:50,505 I had a tough time with it recently 927 00:38:50,605 --> 00:38:52,340 because, as a comedian, sometimes you get hired 928 00:38:52,441 --> 00:38:55,209 to perform for universities, for the students, 929 00:38:55,309 --> 00:38:58,112 and I recently went to the UCLA Medical School 930 00:38:58,212 --> 00:39:00,214 and performed for the students there. 931 00:39:00,314 --> 00:39:01,716 - Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 932 00:39:01,816 --> 00:39:04,085 It was for the Asian American Student Association there. 933 00:39:04,185 --> 00:39:06,421 So, you know, most of the medical school, right? 934 00:39:06,521 --> 00:39:07,889 We're doing okay. We're doing all right. 935 00:39:07,989 --> 00:39:09,090 Don't worry about us. 936 00:39:11,325 --> 00:39:13,928 And when I got there, you know, a lot of the students were younger than me, 937 00:39:14,028 --> 00:39:16,765 and they were about to graduate, become doctors. 938 00:39:16,865 --> 00:39:20,101 And I told them, I was like, "You guys should be so proud. You've made it." 939 00:39:20,201 --> 00:39:21,936 Right, and they kind of turned it on me. 940 00:39:22,036 --> 00:39:25,273 They were like, "Well, Sierra as a comedian, when will you know 941 00:39:26,140 --> 00:39:27,108 "you've made it?" 942 00:39:27,208 --> 00:39:28,477 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 943 00:39:28,577 --> 00:39:30,044 [MIMICKING WITH ANNOYANCE] 944 00:39:30,144 --> 00:39:31,680 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 945 00:39:34,849 --> 00:39:38,787 So, yeah, I was like, "Okay, 946 00:39:40,088 --> 00:39:43,725 "well, comedy, it's not as simple as medicine, 947 00:39:43,825 --> 00:39:45,760 - "okay?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 948 00:39:45,860 --> 00:39:48,429 You're there, what, four years? They don't teach you that? Okay. Okay. 949 00:39:49,263 --> 00:39:50,565 Waste of money. 950 00:39:52,867 --> 00:39:55,604 I said, "Look, if I had to choose something 951 00:39:55,704 --> 00:39:58,339 "as a comic, to know that I've made it, 952 00:39:58,439 --> 00:40:01,442 "it would be when I marry a doctor." 953 00:40:01,543 --> 00:40:03,978 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So if all the single students could come to the front, 954 00:40:04,078 --> 00:40:05,446 right, I think I have a lump in my breast. 955 00:40:05,547 --> 00:40:06,881 - I think... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 956 00:40:08,016 --> 00:40:11,285 - Fondle my breast. Uh... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 957 00:40:11,385 --> 00:40:13,154 That's how you snag 'em. You know? 958 00:40:13,254 --> 00:40:14,856 That's how I met my fiance. So... 959 00:40:14,956 --> 00:40:17,091 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 960 00:40:17,191 --> 00:40:19,460 I met him in a much more traditional way, drunk on a bus. 961 00:40:19,561 --> 00:40:22,864 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - But he did give me a breast exam later, 962 00:40:22,964 --> 00:40:24,098 so there's parallels. 963 00:40:24,198 --> 00:40:26,134 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 964 00:40:27,636 --> 00:40:29,203 Comparison was another reason 965 00:40:29,303 --> 00:40:31,439 why I think I started to give up on stand-up 966 00:40:31,540 --> 00:40:33,441 because, you know, it was very easy 967 00:40:33,542 --> 00:40:35,209 for me to compare myself to other comedians 968 00:40:35,309 --> 00:40:37,445 and be like, "That one's way more successful than me, 969 00:40:37,546 --> 00:40:39,948 "funnier. How am I ever gonna catch up? What's the point?" 970 00:40:40,048 --> 00:40:42,183 And it's super easy to do, because stand-up, 971 00:40:42,283 --> 00:40:46,521 it's like a solo sport, you know, unlike basketball. So... 972 00:40:46,621 --> 00:40:49,057 Right, and other comedians are competitive, too. 973 00:40:49,157 --> 00:40:51,893 Like, I had this one comedian come up to me, 974 00:40:51,993 --> 00:40:53,361 say this, white guy... 975 00:40:53,461 --> 00:40:54,829 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 976 00:40:54,929 --> 00:40:56,965 Well, I don't want to name names, 977 00:40:57,065 --> 00:40:59,367 - but his name was James. And... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 978 00:41:01,102 --> 00:41:02,537 And he said this to me, he was like, 979 00:41:02,637 --> 00:41:07,108 "Sierra, there's a lot more Asian comedians now. 980 00:41:07,208 --> 00:41:11,045 "So do you feel like maybe there's not enough room for you?" 981 00:41:11,813 --> 00:41:13,815 [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS] 982 00:41:13,915 --> 00:41:16,484 Yeah, and that got me thinking, I was like, "Wow, 983 00:41:17,652 --> 00:41:19,554 "you're a white guy named James in comedy." 984 00:41:19,654 --> 00:41:21,355 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 985 00:41:23,091 --> 00:41:24,793 There were literally three of you 986 00:41:24,893 --> 00:41:27,328 - hosting their own late night talk shows. Like... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 987 00:41:27,428 --> 00:41:30,531 I think there's a little wiggle room for more Asians. 988 00:41:31,833 --> 00:41:33,034 Get in there. 989 00:41:34,435 --> 00:41:35,870 But that's what it feels like sometimes, 990 00:41:35,970 --> 00:41:37,739 like we feel like we have to compete 991 00:41:37,839 --> 00:41:40,775 and that there's not enough room, no matter who you are, right? 992 00:41:40,875 --> 00:41:43,745 And that sucks because it's not true. 993 00:41:43,845 --> 00:41:49,718 I feel like I need even more just general abundance mentality. 994 00:41:49,818 --> 00:41:51,853 - You know, it's hard, though. It's hard. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 995 00:41:52,486 --> 00:41:53,655 It's hard. 996 00:41:54,989 --> 00:41:58,126 But just take like my case, for example, okay? 997 00:41:58,226 --> 00:42:00,361 The more Asian comedians, the better. 998 00:42:00,461 --> 00:42:04,365 Because if Ali Wong or Ronny Chieng or Margaret Cho, 999 00:42:04,465 --> 00:42:08,837 whoever, get their next sitcom, their next movie, right? 1000 00:42:09,971 --> 00:42:12,273 Who's gonna play the young concubine? 1001 00:42:12,373 --> 00:42:13,875 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1002 00:42:15,176 --> 00:42:16,978 Or massive cousin, you know. 1003 00:42:17,078 --> 00:42:18,246 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1004 00:42:18,346 --> 00:42:20,615 Heck, I'll even play the stereotypical IT guy, 1005 00:42:20,715 --> 00:42:22,951 because remember, computer science, I'll do that shit method. 1006 00:42:23,051 --> 00:42:24,853 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1007 00:42:29,724 --> 00:42:31,626 And, yeah. 1008 00:42:31,726 --> 00:42:33,127 I do act, okay? 1009 00:42:34,362 --> 00:42:36,064 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - No, no. 1010 00:42:36,164 --> 00:42:37,198 Yeah. 1011 00:42:37,832 --> 00:42:38,900 I know. 1012 00:42:40,468 --> 00:42:42,671 One of the first scenes I ever did for TV 1013 00:42:42,771 --> 00:42:44,405 was an implied nudity scene. 1014 00:42:45,707 --> 00:42:47,141 You guys know what that is? Implied nudity, 1015 00:42:47,241 --> 00:42:49,010 it's when they film you from the neck up 1016 00:42:49,110 --> 00:42:50,979 and they imply whoo-hoo. 1017 00:42:51,079 --> 00:42:52,346 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1018 00:42:52,446 --> 00:42:53,614 That you're nude. 1019 00:42:54,849 --> 00:42:58,086 You know, leave it up to the imagination. Mmm. 1020 00:42:58,186 --> 00:43:00,288 Kind of like leaving your clothes on. Whoa. 1021 00:43:00,388 --> 00:43:01,890 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1022 00:43:02,623 --> 00:43:03,825 Kinky. [CHUCKLES] 1023 00:43:05,493 --> 00:43:07,595 And they also asked me, if I was comfortable, 1024 00:43:07,696 --> 00:43:09,430 they could film my full rear. 1025 00:43:09,530 --> 00:43:12,066 You know, that means my cheeks, okay? 1026 00:43:12,967 --> 00:43:14,302 Little industry talk for you. 1027 00:43:14,402 --> 00:43:15,436 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1028 00:43:15,536 --> 00:43:17,806 Don't spend it all in one place. 1029 00:43:17,906 --> 00:43:20,341 But yeah, you know, and I was a little hesitant. 1030 00:43:20,441 --> 00:43:21,542 It's a lot of exposure. 1031 00:43:21,642 --> 00:43:24,378 So, you know, they let me think about it. 1032 00:43:24,478 --> 00:43:25,680 I went home and thought about it, 1033 00:43:25,780 --> 00:43:27,481 and I got to thinking, 1034 00:43:27,581 --> 00:43:30,952 about the importance of representation. 1035 00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:33,855 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1036 00:43:33,955 --> 00:43:35,189 And you know, normally when we're talking 1037 00:43:35,289 --> 00:43:36,725 representation in media, 1038 00:43:36,825 --> 00:43:39,127 we're talking racial representation, 1039 00:43:40,061 --> 00:43:41,295 queer representation. 1040 00:43:42,430 --> 00:43:45,666 But what about flat ass representation. 1041 00:43:45,767 --> 00:43:47,035 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1042 00:43:49,938 --> 00:43:51,005 Where are those stories? 1043 00:43:51,105 --> 00:43:52,340 Where's that America? 1044 00:43:52,941 --> 00:43:54,542 Yeah? 1045 00:43:54,642 --> 00:43:56,745 And look, you know, I'm not body shaming myself. 1046 00:43:56,845 --> 00:43:59,748 I'm a petite person. I've got the butt to boot. [CHUCKLES] 1047 00:43:59,848 --> 00:44:02,884 But you know, and there are plenty of skinny people on TV, 1048 00:44:02,984 --> 00:44:06,721 but I'm talking about an ass so flat... 1049 00:44:06,821 --> 00:44:10,224 That you know, sometimes if I go... I go to a restaurant, 1050 00:44:10,324 --> 00:44:11,592 I'm gonna go to a sit-down dinner, 1051 00:44:11,692 --> 00:44:13,895 sometimes I call the restaurant ahead. 1052 00:44:13,995 --> 00:44:17,265 I call them, I go, "Hey, What kind of chairs do you guys have?" 1053 00:44:17,365 --> 00:44:19,333 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1054 00:44:19,433 --> 00:44:21,369 Do you have hardwood chairs? 1055 00:44:23,237 --> 00:44:24,873 Do you maybe have a pillow in the back 1056 00:44:24,973 --> 00:44:27,241 I can borrow to sit on? 1057 00:44:27,341 --> 00:44:28,943 'Cause I don't have a pillow in the back... 1058 00:44:29,043 --> 00:44:30,078 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1059 00:44:30,178 --> 00:44:31,212 ...to sit on. 1060 00:44:31,980 --> 00:44:33,681 That kind of ass, okay? 1061 00:44:34,783 --> 00:44:37,151 Is it the kind of ass where, one time, 1062 00:44:37,251 --> 00:44:39,120 I was at a party, I was bending over to grab my coat 1063 00:44:39,220 --> 00:44:40,721 to leave, you know? 1064 00:44:40,822 --> 00:44:42,256 And a guy tried to grab it. 1065 00:44:43,024 --> 00:44:44,425 Tried to grab my ass. 1066 00:44:44,525 --> 00:44:46,260 "Try" being the operative word here. 1067 00:44:47,161 --> 00:44:48,562 It's kind of... It's hard. 1068 00:44:48,662 --> 00:44:50,799 It's hard to grab my ass, okay? It's almost un-grabable 1069 00:44:50,899 --> 00:44:52,600 - some would say. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1070 00:44:52,700 --> 00:44:54,803 It's kind of like trying to pick up the floor. 1071 00:44:54,903 --> 00:44:56,204 - You're just like... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1072 00:44:56,304 --> 00:44:57,405 "What is going on?" 1073 00:45:01,242 --> 00:45:03,945 And, you know, maybe consent would help. 1074 00:45:04,045 --> 00:45:06,247 You know what I mean? Like, if he had asked me 1075 00:45:06,347 --> 00:45:08,883 and I was into it, then maybe, yeah, I could stand up 1076 00:45:08,983 --> 00:45:11,285 and kind of scooch to one side a little bit. 1077 00:45:11,385 --> 00:45:12,720 Give him a little something. 1078 00:45:13,754 --> 00:45:16,557 So, yeah. 1079 00:45:16,657 --> 00:45:18,592 It's a very consent-friendly ass. 1080 00:45:18,692 --> 00:45:20,628 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1081 00:45:20,728 --> 00:45:22,363 That kind of ass, okay? 1082 00:45:23,731 --> 00:45:26,467 I went to work saying, "That kind of ass!" 1083 00:45:26,567 --> 00:45:29,170 I was ready. I was ready. 1084 00:45:29,270 --> 00:45:31,105 I was ready to act my little tush off. 1085 00:45:31,205 --> 00:45:33,875 I got there that day... 1086 00:45:33,975 --> 00:45:37,979 I got there, I was like, "Yeah." I showed 'em what I was working with. 1087 00:45:38,079 --> 00:45:40,614 Right. They took a look, they're like, "Yeah. 1088 00:45:40,714 --> 00:45:42,583 "Okay, we're just gonna stick to implied nudity." 1089 00:45:42,683 --> 00:45:43,852 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1090 00:45:43,952 --> 00:45:46,420 "Let's leave that booty up to the imagination. 1091 00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:48,556 "It tends to be a little bigger in there, so..." 1092 00:45:49,757 --> 00:45:51,492 You know, it's okay, we'll get 'em next time. 1093 00:45:51,592 --> 00:45:53,094 We'll get 'em next time. 1094 00:45:53,194 --> 00:45:55,496 I'm doing my squats, right? 1095 00:45:55,596 --> 00:45:58,266 I might get an implant. Just one. 1096 00:45:58,366 --> 00:45:59,667 Just on the left cheek. 1097 00:45:59,767 --> 00:46:01,469 We went a little before and after on the same body. 1098 00:46:01,569 --> 00:46:03,137 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1099 00:46:03,237 --> 00:46:04,772 That's where the discounts are at. 1100 00:46:06,574 --> 00:46:07,976 No, I joke about representation, 1101 00:46:08,076 --> 00:46:10,378 but it is really important, right? 1102 00:46:10,478 --> 00:46:12,513 Like, within the Asian American community, 1103 00:46:12,613 --> 00:46:14,582 there's still a lot of work that has to be done 1104 00:46:14,682 --> 00:46:16,484 to make sure more Asian stories are told. 1105 00:46:16,584 --> 00:46:17,952 - [AUDIENCE WHOOPS] - Yeah. 1106 00:46:18,052 --> 00:46:20,121 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - You can cheer for that. 1107 00:46:23,624 --> 00:46:25,960 But I choose to look on the bright side, okay? 1108 00:46:26,060 --> 00:46:27,661 Because sure, Asian women, 1109 00:46:27,761 --> 00:46:29,663 we're still pretty underrepresented 1110 00:46:29,763 --> 00:46:31,565 when it comes to TV and movies and stuff, 1111 00:46:31,665 --> 00:46:35,336 but at least we are overrepresented where it counts. 1112 00:46:36,404 --> 00:46:37,371 Porn. 1113 00:46:37,471 --> 00:46:39,140 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - You know? 1114 00:46:39,240 --> 00:46:42,143 Hey, and say what you will about porn, okay, 1115 00:46:42,243 --> 00:46:44,245 but the diversity is... [KISSES] Yeah? 1116 00:46:44,345 --> 00:46:47,015 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Way ahead of the curve, right? 1117 00:46:47,115 --> 00:46:49,650 And that meant a lot to me as a young girl, you know... 1118 00:46:49,750 --> 00:46:53,721 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - ...browsing the old incognito window. 1119 00:46:53,821 --> 00:46:56,690 To see myself reflected in such classics... 1120 00:46:56,790 --> 00:46:58,359 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1121 00:46:58,459 --> 00:47:00,995 ...as, uh, Tiny Asian Woman Gets Dicked Down By Seven Dudes. 1122 00:47:01,095 --> 00:47:03,497 - Beautiful. Oh. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1123 00:47:03,597 --> 00:47:05,733 I get emotional even thinking about it. 1124 00:47:05,833 --> 00:47:07,535 - Um... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1125 00:47:07,635 --> 00:47:09,170 Yeah. So I thank those porn stars 1126 00:47:09,270 --> 00:47:11,439 who paved the way, right? Without them, 1127 00:47:11,539 --> 00:47:13,774 hey, this little girl would have never been proud 1128 00:47:13,874 --> 00:47:16,510 to bare her skinny ass on TV. So, yeah. 1129 00:47:16,610 --> 00:47:18,646 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - It's important. 1130 00:47:20,681 --> 00:47:22,150 Respect your elders. 1131 00:47:24,552 --> 00:47:26,921 And role models are important, to know what's possible. 1132 00:47:27,721 --> 00:47:29,390 But nobody talks about... 1133 00:47:29,490 --> 00:47:32,860 It's actually more important to have the opposite of role models. 1134 00:47:32,961 --> 00:47:34,162 Below models. 1135 00:47:34,728 --> 00:47:36,097 Yeah. 1136 00:47:36,197 --> 00:47:37,765 You know, people you can look at and be like, "Hmm." 1137 00:47:37,865 --> 00:47:39,767 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1138 00:47:39,867 --> 00:47:41,435 "Thank God I'm not that bitch. Okay." 1139 00:47:42,170 --> 00:47:43,571 "Yikes." 1140 00:47:43,671 --> 00:47:44,738 Take Instagram, for example. 1141 00:47:44,838 --> 00:47:46,407 I'm always scrolling on that thing, 1142 00:47:46,507 --> 00:47:50,111 just seeing people accomplishing more than me that day, right? 1143 00:47:50,211 --> 00:47:51,712 Like, "Oh, that guy got a great car." 1144 00:47:52,546 --> 00:47:54,482 "She's got a good ass. Huh. 1145 00:47:54,582 --> 00:47:56,050 "That guy got out of bed." 1146 00:47:56,150 --> 00:47:57,718 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1147 00:47:58,819 --> 00:48:00,421 That's why I only follow dogs. 1148 00:48:02,556 --> 00:48:05,126 Because they're cute, but most importantly, 1149 00:48:05,226 --> 00:48:07,561 they don't make you feel like shit. 1150 00:48:07,661 --> 00:48:10,131 Because they just got finished eating their own shit. 1151 00:48:10,231 --> 00:48:11,632 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1152 00:48:11,732 --> 00:48:13,767 They don't know the difference. 1153 00:48:13,867 --> 00:48:16,270 Like, sure, I haven't accomplished much, 1154 00:48:16,370 --> 00:48:17,505 but at least I don't stick my nose 1155 00:48:17,605 --> 00:48:19,273 in someone's crotch the minute I meet them. 1156 00:48:19,373 --> 00:48:20,841 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1157 00:48:20,941 --> 00:48:22,910 I wait a day like a gentleman. 1158 00:48:23,011 --> 00:48:24,545 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1159 00:48:24,645 --> 00:48:27,348 You know, the problem, though, is that some of these dogs 1160 00:48:27,448 --> 00:48:31,919 are starting to have better lives than me. Okay? 1161 00:48:32,020 --> 00:48:35,256 Right? Like, I follow this one dog, a Shiba Inu, you know, 1162 00:48:35,356 --> 00:48:36,991 lives in Tokyo, Japan. 1163 00:48:37,091 --> 00:48:38,092 Likely story. 1164 00:48:38,192 --> 00:48:39,560 And... 1165 00:48:40,294 --> 00:48:41,595 Yeah, I mean, beautiful dog. 1166 00:48:41,695 --> 00:48:42,763 The body on this dog... 1167 00:48:44,265 --> 00:48:45,766 Probably had some work done. You know what I mean? 1168 00:48:45,866 --> 00:48:46,834 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1169 00:48:46,934 --> 00:48:48,236 Double implant. Uh... 1170 00:48:50,104 --> 00:48:52,806 But on this dog's Instagram, all the comments 1171 00:48:52,906 --> 00:48:54,442 and captions are in Japanese, 1172 00:48:54,542 --> 00:48:56,477 so I don't really know what's going on, 1173 00:48:56,577 --> 00:49:00,481 but I'm just scrolling on this dog's profile at, like, 3:00 a.m. 1174 00:49:01,282 --> 00:49:02,383 Prime time to hate yourself. 1175 00:49:02,483 --> 00:49:03,884 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1176 00:49:03,984 --> 00:49:05,386 You know, I was so moved. 1177 00:49:05,486 --> 00:49:08,489 I wrote, "This dog is career goals." 1178 00:49:11,092 --> 00:49:12,893 And I sent that. 1179 00:49:12,993 --> 00:49:15,429 Went to bed, woke up the next morning, 1180 00:49:16,397 --> 00:49:18,132 and the dog had responded. 1181 00:49:18,232 --> 00:49:19,967 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1182 00:49:22,836 --> 00:49:24,472 He just wrote, "Thank you." 1183 00:49:24,572 --> 00:49:26,740 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1184 00:49:26,840 --> 00:49:29,210 In perfect English, so... 1185 00:49:29,310 --> 00:49:31,379 So I guess this dog's also fucking bilingual, too. 1186 00:49:31,479 --> 00:49:32,746 Why the... 1187 00:49:32,846 --> 00:49:34,815 How else does he want me to feel like shit, you know? 1188 00:49:36,350 --> 00:49:37,685 Unfollow. That's... 1189 00:49:38,752 --> 00:49:39,853 Protect your energy. 1190 00:49:39,953 --> 00:49:41,889 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1191 00:49:41,989 --> 00:49:43,524 But no, I caved. I looked back 1192 00:49:43,624 --> 00:49:45,393 on that dog's Instagram recently. 1193 00:49:45,493 --> 00:49:47,928 I saw the dog died. 1194 00:49:48,028 --> 00:49:49,263 AUDIENCE: Aw. 1195 00:49:49,363 --> 00:49:50,964 Aw, I know. They don't live that long. 1196 00:49:53,767 --> 00:49:55,203 Right? So... 1197 00:49:56,270 --> 00:49:57,505 I guess I won, in the end. 1198 00:49:57,605 --> 00:49:59,540 - You know what I mean? - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1199 00:50:00,007 --> 00:50:01,209 Feels good. 1200 00:50:01,309 --> 00:50:05,179 Hey, feels good to be alive. 1201 00:50:06,714 --> 00:50:08,682 But don't worry, I'm in therapy. 1202 00:50:08,782 --> 00:50:10,218 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1203 00:50:10,884 --> 00:50:12,019 I said I'm in therapy. 1204 00:50:12,120 --> 00:50:14,222 Normally there's applause. Okay. Wow. 1205 00:50:14,322 --> 00:50:16,190 [AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING] 1206 00:50:16,290 --> 00:50:18,058 Oh, too late, okay? 1207 00:50:18,159 --> 00:50:20,461 Guess I'll talk about it in therapy. [CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY] 1208 00:50:20,561 --> 00:50:22,630 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1209 00:50:22,730 --> 00:50:24,298 No, I think the minute I learned 1210 00:50:24,398 --> 00:50:25,599 I was dunking on a dead dog, 1211 00:50:25,699 --> 00:50:27,301 I was like, "Okay, I should talk to somebody." 1212 00:50:27,401 --> 00:50:29,537 And... 1213 00:50:29,637 --> 00:50:32,506 Therapy, it's something I've been meaning to do for so long, you know? 1214 00:50:32,606 --> 00:50:35,143 I just was dragging my feet, 1215 00:50:35,243 --> 00:50:36,577 waiting for it to become trendy, 1216 00:50:36,677 --> 00:50:38,479 and then it did. 1217 00:50:38,579 --> 00:50:40,914 So I hopped on that bandwagon and it's great. 1218 00:50:41,014 --> 00:50:42,783 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1219 00:50:42,883 --> 00:50:44,452 One of the things I'm working on in therapy 1220 00:50:44,552 --> 00:50:45,719 is that negative self-talk. 1221 00:50:45,819 --> 00:50:47,121 Do you guys get that? 1222 00:50:47,221 --> 00:50:48,789 Some sad nods. Yeah. 1223 00:50:48,889 --> 00:50:50,124 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1224 00:50:50,224 --> 00:50:51,659 And it's tough. 1225 00:50:51,759 --> 00:50:55,263 Like, let me tell you, my negative voice in my head, phew, 1226 00:50:55,363 --> 00:50:57,798 - she employs twang, right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1227 00:50:57,898 --> 00:51:00,901 She's loud as fuck, watching tons of tutorials, that girl. 1228 00:51:02,236 --> 00:51:03,771 And she's catchy. Like, she'll pop in. 1229 00:51:03,871 --> 00:51:05,673 I'm just washing the dishes or something, 1230 00:51:05,773 --> 00:51:08,809 she'll pop in, she'll be like, "Hey, Sierra." I'm like, "Yeah, me? What?" 1231 00:51:08,909 --> 00:51:10,478 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1232 00:51:10,578 --> 00:51:14,348 "Hey, why don't you stop being such a little cunt?" Like, Jesus. 1233 00:51:14,448 --> 00:51:15,649 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1234 00:51:18,252 --> 00:51:19,920 The C word, you know? Sheesh. 1235 00:51:20,754 --> 00:51:22,590 I never use the C word, really. 1236 00:51:22,690 --> 00:51:24,825 It's just like... It's so harsh, right? 1237 00:51:24,925 --> 00:51:28,862 I never... Except in that joke that I tell all the time to everybody... 1238 00:51:28,962 --> 00:51:32,666 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - ...but never... C word? 1239 00:51:32,766 --> 00:51:34,202 And so specific. Like, 1240 00:51:34,302 --> 00:51:36,704 "Stop being such a little cunt." Like... 1241 00:51:36,804 --> 00:51:39,507 I don't... I don't think I'm being much of a little cunt. 1242 00:51:39,607 --> 00:51:42,042 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1243 00:51:42,142 --> 00:51:45,213 But I don't know, maybe that's what a little cunt would say. You know? 1244 00:51:45,313 --> 00:51:49,850 Ugh, so... See? Pretty catchy. And... 1245 00:51:49,950 --> 00:51:53,621 My therapist also says I'm depressed like everybody. 1246 00:51:53,721 --> 00:51:56,324 - So... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1247 00:51:56,424 --> 00:51:59,393 Yeah. Which is kind of weird, right? 1248 00:51:59,493 --> 00:52:01,161 Coming from my therapist. 1249 00:52:01,262 --> 00:52:03,063 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1250 00:52:03,163 --> 00:52:05,566 I don't pay her for that. 1251 00:52:05,666 --> 00:52:07,868 I pay her to maybe to try out some jokes, you know? 1252 00:52:07,968 --> 00:52:10,704 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Get some laughs, bring 'em here. 1253 00:52:11,472 --> 00:52:13,173 But diagnoses, what? 1254 00:52:13,274 --> 00:52:14,575 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1255 00:52:14,675 --> 00:52:16,544 There were signs. I should have known 1256 00:52:16,644 --> 00:52:18,045 maybe that I was depressed. 1257 00:52:18,145 --> 00:52:20,047 Like, before my therapist knew, before I knew, 1258 00:52:21,849 --> 00:52:23,317 my credit card company knew. 1259 00:52:23,417 --> 00:52:25,586 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1260 00:52:25,686 --> 00:52:27,255 They sent me this helpful mailer. 1261 00:52:27,355 --> 00:52:29,990 It was like a subscription services type thing, 1262 00:52:30,090 --> 00:52:32,793 like which ones are being charged to your credit card. 1263 00:52:33,827 --> 00:52:35,829 Wi-Fi, Amazon, just to make sure 1264 00:52:35,929 --> 00:52:39,066 there were no free trials gone wild, right? 1265 00:52:39,166 --> 00:52:41,435 I looked at that list, I was like, "Wait a second, 1266 00:52:41,535 --> 00:52:42,970 "what's Mochinut doing there?" 1267 00:52:44,338 --> 00:52:45,573 Do you guys know what that is? 1268 00:52:45,673 --> 00:52:47,074 It's a brand of doughnut. 1269 00:52:47,174 --> 00:52:50,411 Okay? For those who don't know... [SCOFFS] buckle up. 1270 00:52:50,511 --> 00:52:51,979 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1271 00:52:52,613 --> 00:52:54,214 Mochinut, okay? 1272 00:52:54,315 --> 00:52:56,049 She's not like your other doughnuts. 1273 00:52:56,149 --> 00:52:57,418 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1274 00:52:57,518 --> 00:53:00,721 Right? She's made of rice dough, like mochi. 1275 00:53:00,821 --> 00:53:02,990 And then deep-fried like a doughnut. 1276 00:53:04,825 --> 00:53:06,460 Get you a pastry who can do both. 1277 00:53:06,560 --> 00:53:07,628 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1278 00:53:07,728 --> 00:53:09,096 Right? 1279 00:53:09,196 --> 00:53:12,366 She's a donut in the streets, medication in the sheets. 1280 00:53:12,466 --> 00:53:13,701 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1281 00:53:13,801 --> 00:53:16,036 Because I was eating these in bed to numb the pain. 1282 00:53:16,136 --> 00:53:17,405 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1283 00:53:18,739 --> 00:53:20,774 And see, I ordered these doughnuts 1284 00:53:20,874 --> 00:53:22,242 at such a high frequency, 1285 00:53:22,343 --> 00:53:23,744 at such a regular cadence 1286 00:53:24,678 --> 00:53:26,614 that my credit card company 1287 00:53:26,714 --> 00:53:29,082 thought I was subscribed to doughnuts. 1288 00:53:29,182 --> 00:53:30,384 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1289 00:53:31,519 --> 00:53:32,786 Another sign I was depressed 1290 00:53:32,886 --> 00:53:36,290 was that I exclusively started to wear soft shirts. 1291 00:53:38,492 --> 00:53:39,927 Because I would wake up in the morning 1292 00:53:40,027 --> 00:53:42,663 and feel like shit, I'd go to the closet, 1293 00:53:42,763 --> 00:53:44,998 be like, "Okay, you know, ugh, what shirt? 1294 00:53:45,098 --> 00:53:47,435 "Mm. That one's too hard. Ugh. 1295 00:53:47,535 --> 00:53:50,103 "That one's kind of crispy. Ugh, that's crunchy. 1296 00:53:50,203 --> 00:53:52,340 "That one has a zipper. Are you trying to fucking kill me? Jesus." 1297 00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:53,974 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1298 00:53:54,074 --> 00:53:56,877 And then, ooh, I find a nice softy, slip into that bad boy. 1299 00:53:57,878 --> 00:53:59,313 And then go right back to bed. 1300 00:53:59,413 --> 00:54:02,916 You know, you can't do that in a denim jacket. You can't. 1301 00:54:03,016 --> 00:54:05,819 You've got to be ready in your soft, stretchy tee to go to bed 1302 00:54:05,919 --> 00:54:06,987 at any moment. 1303 00:54:08,756 --> 00:54:10,324 Don't even get me started on soft pants. 1304 00:54:10,424 --> 00:54:11,559 We'll be here all night, baby. 1305 00:54:11,659 --> 00:54:13,060 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1306 00:54:14,728 --> 00:54:16,364 But my therapist also recommended 1307 00:54:16,464 --> 00:54:17,731 I should get on antidepressants. 1308 00:54:19,099 --> 00:54:21,369 Which, you know, I've heard great things about, 1309 00:54:21,469 --> 00:54:22,970 and I have tons of friends who are on them, 1310 00:54:23,070 --> 00:54:25,473 and they say they do wonders, so I'm trying to get on them. 1311 00:54:25,573 --> 00:54:27,675 It's just, you know, there's a few steps, right? 1312 00:54:27,775 --> 00:54:29,710 Like, I have to find a psychiatrist to prescribe 1313 00:54:29,810 --> 00:54:30,978 because my therapist can't. 1314 00:54:31,078 --> 00:54:32,713 I have to make sure my psychiatrist 1315 00:54:32,813 --> 00:54:34,748 has a network of my health insurance. 1316 00:54:34,848 --> 00:54:37,451 I've got to make an appointment, convince them that, yes, I do need this medication. 1317 00:54:37,551 --> 00:54:40,153 It's kind of a lot, all right? 1318 00:54:40,253 --> 00:54:42,255 I'm depressed, okay? 1319 00:54:43,924 --> 00:54:45,693 Like, I can't even zip up a hard shirt. 1320 00:54:45,793 --> 00:54:48,061 Do you think I can make small talk with the receptionist? 1321 00:54:48,161 --> 00:54:51,098 Like, "Oh, yeah, April 19th, maybe. 1322 00:54:52,232 --> 00:54:54,502 "It's been, you know, crazy weather." 1323 00:54:56,670 --> 00:54:58,372 But I feel like I need antidepressants 1324 00:54:58,472 --> 00:54:59,707 to get on antidepressants. 1325 00:54:59,807 --> 00:55:01,442 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1326 00:55:01,542 --> 00:55:03,544 Is that crazy? I feel like I ordered a box cutter off of Amazon. 1327 00:55:03,644 --> 00:55:06,146 And I can't get the thing, to get the thing inside the thing 1328 00:55:06,246 --> 00:55:07,214 to get the thing open. 1329 00:55:07,314 --> 00:55:08,982 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1330 00:55:09,082 --> 00:55:11,752 Right. That's a perfect metaphor that I came up with while depressed. 1331 00:55:11,852 --> 00:55:15,355 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So if you didn't laugh, you're too happy with your life. 1332 00:55:17,425 --> 00:55:21,361 I luckily have a bit of a secret sauce when it comes to depression, 1333 00:55:21,462 --> 00:55:24,832 because on top of my depression, 1334 00:55:24,932 --> 00:55:27,701 I have the tiniest, healthiest touch 1335 00:55:28,368 --> 00:55:29,369 of narcissism. 1336 00:55:29,470 --> 00:55:31,705 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1337 00:55:31,805 --> 00:55:32,940 Because, like a lot of people, 1338 00:55:33,040 --> 00:55:35,976 I suffer from suicidal thoughts, ideations, 1339 00:55:37,310 --> 00:55:39,246 but when I'm at my lowest point, 1340 00:55:39,346 --> 00:55:43,984 you know, and I'm thinking, "It would just be easier to end things," 1341 00:55:45,185 --> 00:55:48,221 there's at least a small part of me that's like, 1342 00:55:49,122 --> 00:55:50,223 "Hmm, 1343 00:55:51,692 --> 00:55:53,894 "but that would just be a huge loss for everybody." 1344 00:55:53,994 --> 00:55:57,030 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - "Right? I'm just a delight." 1345 00:55:57,130 --> 00:55:58,599 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - And... 1346 00:56:00,568 --> 00:56:01,669 You know... 1347 00:56:04,805 --> 00:56:06,907 Hey, maybe that's what I just need more of in general, 1348 00:56:07,007 --> 00:56:08,576 not necessarily narcissism, 1349 00:56:08,676 --> 00:56:12,412 but just more confidence to, like, do this, to do comedy, right? 1350 00:56:12,513 --> 00:56:14,114 - Because-- - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1351 00:56:15,549 --> 00:56:18,652 Because I started this for really childish reasons. 1352 00:56:18,752 --> 00:56:21,655 But I also gave up for childish reasons. 1353 00:56:21,755 --> 00:56:24,424 You know, because there's always going to be 1354 00:56:24,525 --> 00:56:26,326 mean comments or comparisons 1355 00:56:26,426 --> 00:56:30,363 to people who are better and funnier and hotter dogs, and... 1356 00:56:32,165 --> 00:56:34,434 But look, I just need to sack up 1357 00:56:35,335 --> 00:56:37,237 and stop being a little cunt. 1358 00:56:38,271 --> 00:56:40,340 Right? And get back in the game. 1359 00:56:40,440 --> 00:56:43,811 So I just want to leave you guys on one story 1360 00:56:45,479 --> 00:56:48,749 that I come back to every time I think about giving up on this, 1361 00:56:48,849 --> 00:56:50,417 and it's a great story. 1362 00:56:50,518 --> 00:56:52,686 It's actually the story of the first 1363 00:56:52,786 --> 00:56:55,188 and hopefully not last time 1364 00:56:55,288 --> 00:56:58,058 I was ever punched in the stomach. 1365 00:57:02,095 --> 00:57:03,564 And I was a kid. 1366 00:57:03,664 --> 00:57:07,234 I was playing this very fun childhood game with a friend. 1367 00:57:07,901 --> 00:57:08,969 It's a common game. 1368 00:57:09,069 --> 00:57:10,738 I'm sure you guys have played this one. 1369 00:57:10,838 --> 00:57:13,006 I'm not sure if I can remember the name, but I'll just describe it. 1370 00:57:13,106 --> 00:57:14,508 You guys will know. 1371 00:57:14,608 --> 00:57:18,011 So basically it's the game where she is the up-and-coming 1372 00:57:18,111 --> 00:57:21,682 rookie boxer Jim The Jab Johnson. Right? 1373 00:57:21,782 --> 00:57:23,450 She's got a lot of raw talent, 1374 00:57:23,551 --> 00:57:25,619 but not a lot of structure nor discipline, 1375 00:57:25,719 --> 00:57:26,854 and that's where I come in. 1376 00:57:27,821 --> 00:57:30,991 I'm Coach Jenkins. Yeah? 1377 00:57:31,091 --> 00:57:34,127 And look, I used to be not unlike this up-and-coming 1378 00:57:34,227 --> 00:57:37,230 rookie rock star boxer Jim the Jab. 1379 00:57:37,330 --> 00:57:38,666 But now I'm in my 60s, 1380 00:57:39,466 --> 00:57:40,500 cresting 70, 1381 00:57:41,835 --> 00:57:43,771 and I woke up one morning and realized, 1382 00:57:44,838 --> 00:57:45,939 "What's my legacy?" 1383 00:57:47,340 --> 00:57:50,744 I don't have kids. No grandkids. 1384 00:57:50,844 --> 00:57:53,581 Sure, I've got that championship belt 1385 00:57:53,681 --> 00:57:56,183 above the mantel that sometimes I spit-shine 1386 00:57:56,283 --> 00:57:58,051 when I get a little too sauced on whiskey, neat. 1387 00:57:59,687 --> 00:58:00,888 You know what I'm talking about. 1388 00:58:02,422 --> 00:58:04,592 But those are just metal, leather, 1389 00:58:04,692 --> 00:58:07,561 you know, maybe my legacy is coaching 1390 00:58:07,661 --> 00:58:09,597 this young whippersnapper over here. 1391 00:58:09,697 --> 00:58:11,531 Jim the Jab, right? 1392 00:58:11,632 --> 00:58:13,901 Even though he's got a bit of an attitude. 1393 00:58:14,001 --> 00:58:17,270 First of all, naming yourself after the most common boxing move, the jab, 1394 00:58:17,370 --> 00:58:20,173 come on. The nerve. 1395 00:58:21,975 --> 00:58:23,877 And, you know, let's be real, 1396 00:58:23,977 --> 00:58:27,247 he reminds me a little bit too much of myself. 1397 00:58:27,347 --> 00:58:31,051 Yeah, and that just shows me that even with my 70th birthday 1398 00:58:31,151 --> 00:58:32,552 on the horizon, 1399 00:58:32,653 --> 00:58:35,723 I'm still stuck in the toughest boxing match of all. 1400 00:58:36,890 --> 00:58:38,058 That with my own ego. 1401 00:58:40,527 --> 00:58:42,529 You know that game. What's it called? 1402 00:58:42,630 --> 00:58:43,897 We all play that one. What's it called? 1403 00:58:43,997 --> 00:58:46,566 Boxing friends, boxing buddies? 1404 00:58:46,667 --> 00:58:49,069 Well, we'll remember. It'll come to me in the shower. 1405 00:58:49,169 --> 00:58:51,805 Basically, and we were playing that game, okay? 1406 00:58:51,905 --> 00:58:53,774 We're boxing, okay? 1407 00:58:53,874 --> 00:58:56,777 And we were using a beanbag chair as a punching bag. 1408 00:58:56,877 --> 00:58:59,246 Beanbag chair, you know, it's sort of like 1409 00:58:59,346 --> 00:59:00,648 if you hold it up by the skin like that, 1410 00:59:00,748 --> 00:59:02,415 like all the, the meat goes to one side, 1411 00:59:02,515 --> 00:59:05,753 kind of like a duvet cover, um, right? 1412 00:59:05,853 --> 00:59:06,987 Or like my ass, right? 1413 00:59:07,087 --> 00:59:09,289 If you ask, if you ask. 1414 00:59:09,389 --> 00:59:10,490 You know, you hold that up, 1415 00:59:10,590 --> 00:59:12,159 and so all the meat's at the bottom. 1416 00:59:12,259 --> 00:59:14,327 The skin is just up here. So she punched through the skin, 1417 00:59:14,427 --> 00:59:15,663 right to my stomach. 1418 00:59:15,763 --> 00:59:17,330 Oh! 1419 00:59:17,430 --> 00:59:19,332 Yeah. That was some of the worst pain I ever felt in my life. 1420 00:59:19,432 --> 00:59:21,368 I couldn't see, I couldn't hear. 1421 00:59:22,369 --> 00:59:23,536 But through that pain, 1422 00:59:24,337 --> 00:59:25,372 through that nightmare, 1423 00:59:27,407 --> 00:59:29,442 I stayed in character. 1424 00:59:29,542 --> 00:59:33,113 Yeah. Yeah, I was Coach Jenkins through and through, so... 1425 00:59:34,514 --> 00:59:35,783 That's how I knew, 1426 00:59:35,883 --> 00:59:38,185 hey, computer science, basketball, massage parlor, 1427 00:59:38,285 --> 00:59:39,386 keep your millions. 1428 00:59:40,921 --> 00:59:42,355 I'm meant for the stage. 1429 00:59:42,455 --> 00:59:43,824 - And I'm back doing comedy, baby! - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1430 00:59:43,924 --> 00:59:46,426 That's my time. Thank you so much. 1431 00:59:46,526 --> 00:59:47,560 Thank you. 1432 00:59:48,428 --> 00:59:49,596 You bet. You bet. 1433 00:59:49,697 --> 00:59:50,664 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 1434 00:59:50,764 --> 00:59:52,065 Thank you. Thank you. 1435 00:59:56,236 --> 00:59:58,238 * Turn it up Turn it up * 1436 00:59:58,338 --> 01:00:00,741 * Turn it up a little louder * 1437 01:00:00,841 --> 01:00:02,275 * Now get low Get low * 1438 01:00:03,376 --> 01:00:04,644 * Yeah, drop it to the floor * 1439 01:00:05,946 --> 01:00:07,480 * Turn it up Turn it up * 1440 01:00:08,448 --> 01:00:10,884 * Turn it up a little louder * 1441 01:00:10,984 --> 01:00:12,519 * Now get low Get low * 1442 01:00:12,619 --> 01:00:13,787 * Get low, get low * 1443 01:00:13,887 --> 01:00:14,922 * Yeah, drop it to the floor * 1444 01:00:15,022 --> 01:00:16,156 * Yeah, drop it to the floor * 1445 01:00:16,256 --> 01:00:17,590 * Turn it up Turn it up * 1446 01:00:17,691 --> 01:00:18,859 * Turn it up Turn it up * 1447 01:00:18,959 --> 01:00:20,393 * Turn it up a little louder * 1448 01:00:20,493 --> 01:00:21,528 * Up a little louder * 1449 01:00:21,628 --> 01:00:22,595 * Now get low Get low * 1450 01:00:22,696 --> 01:00:23,797 * Now get low Get low * 1451 01:00:23,897 --> 01:00:25,032 * Yeah, drop it to the floor * 1452 01:00:25,132 --> 01:00:26,333 * Yeah, drop it to the floor *