This program me contains strong language, scenes of nudity and scenes that some viewers may find upsetting
# I'm the great pretender Pretending that I'm doing well
# My need is such I pretend too much
# I'm lonely, but no-one can tell... #
25 days ago...
This is nuts.
It's real, man. Woo.
...11 ordinary people... Wow.
...were each dropped alone across the Canadian wilderness.
BEAR ROARS
Sneak attack.
There's a bear.
They're filming their struggle...
I am starving.
Feel like I'm going crazy.
Ahh, ahh!
Fuck.
...as they compete to last the longest...
...totally alone.
SHE STRAINS
They've battled with predators...
Oh, my God.
Hey! Go away!
Fear, panic, anxiety.
...and suffered intense isolation.
Being alone here is like nothing I've ever felt before.
Ahh! Nailed myself.
For seven of them, the challenge was too much.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I feel like a scared little boy.
Now, four remain.
What the hell?
"You've made it to the final four.”
Oh, my God. Jeez.
Who has what it takes...
We're good to go!
...to survive the longest... Yeah!
...and win £100,000?
Freedoooom!
Getting that news yesterday that we're down to the last four,
it definitely has given me more invigoration.
I feel more special, being in the last four.
Being told I was in the final four was amazing.
Winning it would change everything.
I've surprised myself each day that I've been out here,
with my strength, my bravery.
It's a good feeling.
But this final four could be a really strong four, you know?
But I have to win it.
I've got a bit of a new lease of life.
I could be in with a chance here, it's absolutely incredible.
SHE LAUGHS
SHE SIGHS
For everyone, after 25 days,
finding enough food remains key to winning the competition.
Big day today.
My fishing is just not working.
So, Operation Snare.
And in honour of that...
...going to put some warrior paint on.
I'm going to channel the warrior queens from the past
to help me...catch my rabbits.
When I was about 16, I read this book by this female explorer,
Alexandra David-Neel.
She went on this 14-year journey all around Asia.
And her story was just so inspiring that it kind of
always stayed with me.
I decided to follow in her footsteps.
I chose to do it in the old equipment -
wooden backpack, yak wool coat.
One more for luck, where shall I put it?
There.
If this woman could've done that back in 1900,
when women weren't supposed to do these things,
then I always think, "Well, I can be that brave now."
We're ready to go.
WHISPERS: Let's do it.
I am starving.
Gloves.
This is the first time I've ever used snares.
This is a lifeline.
And we're going to catch some food.
Watch this space.
Does Naomi get a fish today?
I've had one fish in a week,
and it wasn't a huge fish.
So, I'm slowly starving myself.
With winter closing in,
water levels in the MacKenzie River have dropped,
making fish scarce.
I'm desperate for some fish.
Just desperate.
I wonder if other people are as hungry as I am.
I'm going to do some hand-lining,
because I'm still not giving up on the fish.
I know it's getting colder
but I don't want to give up on them just yet.
Got one!
Got one.
No!
No! Ohh!
I got one, and it frickin' went back in!
That is really frustrating.
SHE SCREAMS
Oh, fish on.
Fuck!
Ohh.
Despite being the most experienced at fishing,
Tom has also been struggling to land a catch.
Come on, baby. Ohh!
Man.
Most people think I've got my shit together.
I haven't got my shit together.
People don't see the impostor syndrome that I have within.
This fat kid who came bottom of my school?
He's still there, I still live with him.
I can feel myself hangrier.
Extremely hard to keep yourself motivated and upbeat
when you're hungry.
My mum was a bit dysfunctional.
She had a heart of gold, but she struggled with alcohol.
Probably didn't help towards me becoming bottom of my school.
So, my confidence has been crushed from childhood,
but winning this competition would change my life.
I would dispel my impostor syndrome.
Maybe it'd exorcise my childhood, thinking that,
"Hey, you know, I'm not so bad after all."
Fish on.
Noooo!
Fuuuck.
Fuck! How close was that?
Ohh. The agony. No fish.
If I don't catch any fish, I'm in real trouble.
I'm sick, I feel really, really ill.
It's a very rich fat on the pike.
My guts aren't happy at all.
Alan has struggled to digest fish,
but has yet to find an alternative food source.
I just had a sudden wave of feeling that...
...if I died here, in the woods, away from my family,
and they never saw me again, that would be just awful.
Steffy and I have been together for ten years now,
and have two beautiful children.
She is wonderful.
Steffy and Killian are both diagnosed autistic,
so they get on pretty well in their own little way.
Killian's just like, "Dad, I'll miss you,
"but you need to win and buy me a dog.
"And then we're cool.” All right, son.
And then, Lily, who's five, she's just like,
"Daddy, come home straight away."”
And I'm sure she'll give me a very big cuddle,
and it'll be all right.
Oh, that was a sudden pang of grief for them.
If anything were to happen,
my beautiful wife and my beautiful kids...
...you know how much I love you.
Oh, God.
Totally exhausted.
When you feel like this, you can't really do anything,
so you just have to sit.
And that's when you start thinking about food.
I'm going to appreciate every single thing I eat.
Like, if I go to someone's house and there's nibbles out, you know,
"Oh, my God, nibbles."
Even just a crisp, you know? Oh...
Ohh.
Starving...
...is not very much fun. I would say zero fun.
And no way to go about your business.
I live in a constant anxiety over food.
It's so depressing.
You go into that spiral.
It really mentally...knocks you.
It's hard to move, really genuinely drained.
Obviously, I've got no fuel in me.
Minimal fuel.
Erm...
That's only going to get worse.
I feel really weak, dizzy... just bad.
I'm just torturing myself.
I've got to eat today.
I'm going to check my trap line.
And if there's nothing in it, I'm going home.
Last roll of the dice.
Do want that 100 grand.
There's a possibility that there's no-one here who's been
able to snare animals.
There's a small chance I could get it.
Right, I am off, wish me luck.
No? All right.
If there's one animal, then I can stay.
Alan has set 18 snare traps across the forest.
Could still get something, it can still happen.
Nothing in there.
I'm out here for my kids, you know,
making a better future for my kids.
I'm well out of breath.
I'd love to go back with 100,000, just to be like,
"OK, just for a bit...
"..let's just not worry about money."
I don't want nothing forever.
what about this one?
No good.
Something's been through and knocked that one over.
"Close but no cigar,” so they say.
I'm losing hope.
Ohh.
I've got one more trap.
And there it is.
That's the end of this trap line...
...and there's nothing.
It's all right if... HE SNIFFLES
...the first time I cry in 15 years is off-camera.
Shall we do it?
We have to do it.
There's no way round it.
Ohh.
I'm tapping out, I'm really, really sick, and I need to go home.
I've cried.
That's a win.
That's a win for Alan's personal development.
They're coming.
There he is.
Here's a chopper.
Alan? I heard a human voice.
You all right? Not feeling the best.
I did everything I could to stay in.
But I'm sick. Really sick.
Unbelievably hardcore.
It was mad.
I just had to give up on fighting, I had to stop.
I want to see my loved ones,
but, you know, I feel like I've let them down.
Gotta tell my wife I've not won the 100,000.
Their life isn't going to be vastly easier when we get home.
I'm really sad about it.
I'm going to check my gillnet.
I want to know if I've got any fish.
I'm not really expecting anything.
Look at that.
I just can't believe it.
That's madness.
I got a fish! Yes!
Fish dance.
The starvation - I was getting beyond hungry.
OK. That should keep me going for a couple of days.
Yeees!
It is a small fish, but it's food.
To win this competition is not something I've allowed myself
to think about.
But now "what if I won this" does come to your mind.
I want people to see the tough side of me, the strong side of me,
because I really struggled in day-to-day life to find that.
Oh!
It's really good to finally put something in my body again.
I can feel my wrist hurting, which is not a good sign.
It's making this kind of rubbing feeling inside.
I think I've managed to get repetitive strain injury.
Just can't deal with two, three hours a day of fishing.
I'm so vulnerable right now.
I've really gotta think about alternative food sources
or I'm done.
With fishing no longer an option,
Tom must rely on his rabbit snares for food.
Let's go and check the snares.
I've never done snaring before.
This one's been moved over here and made smaller.
And it's happened there again.
Is that something getting its leg caught in it
and then pulling it out?
Cos it's not getting its head caught in it.
But that is something going on, isn't it?
I do have some worry about the fact I've not done much snaring,
and most of my experience comes from watching YouTube videos.
Same thing's happened again.
I'm rolling the dice with a lot of this stuff.
I'm having to learn on the job, so, yeah, it's kind of scary.
They're closing my snares down to this...
...and getting away. I'm at a bit of a loss, to be honest.
If I'm not catching rabbits and you don't catch fish,
you tap out pretty quickly.
You don't just sit there and starve.
Fuck!
I'm literally walking tiny, tiny steps.
I've never been this tired. I can barely walk.
Elise has left the safety of camp
to check her snares for small game.
There's nothing in this one.
Just plays so much with your mind.
I'm not catching any food, everything becomes a lot darker...
...and really tough.
Crazy how much your mind turns to jelly.
It's just completely deteriorated today.
I'm sure I walked towards the forest.
WHISPERING: Jesus Christ.
Feel like I'm being played with.
I've just got totally lost.
All looks the fucking same.
My mind is so tired, I can't even, like, think.
Come on, Lise, please.
Oh, God.
Fuck's sake.
I'm just gone.
Not sure how much more I can last, to be honest.
Like, if I was left here...
...I would probably die, at the rate I'm going.
I walked ten metres just to check my trap.
Totally lost.
I mean, I think it's that way.
I could just walk and hope.
Elise has become disorientated
while checking snares close to her shelter.
I'm completely exhausted,
just like mentally and physically.
OK, which way now?
Oh, thank God.
There's a piece of paracord.
Crazy, so thank God I marked my trail,
otherwise I'd be lost still, I'm sure of it.
I need to be more careful.
I live to fight another day.
It's all I can do.
I've been in a bit of a down mood,
and it's... I don't like it.
As strong as I've been,
more than the hunger or the exhaustion,
I've never been away... from my son this long.
Sorry, I'm just having...
TEARFULLY: Just having a hard day.
Can't believe how much I've aged.
Need to charcoal my teeth again.
I just put my trousers on this morning,
and I went into my last buckle.
After that, I need to make a new hole -
and that's the fifth inch I've gone down in my waist.
It's terrifying.
QUIETLY: # Don't worry
# About a thing
# Cos every little thing
# Gonna be all right... #
Today, the thought of getting up and starting my day
and then getting back into that shelter without my family...
...I couldn't bring myself to go through that another night.
I have struggled with depression.
And so, when I feel like I'm going slowly into that depression again,
I know that's my limit.
I can't be that person again, I can't be that mum.
The thought of forcing myself to the end,
but putting myself in that mental state,
it's not worth it.
No amount of money is worth going back to that.
Today is the first time I've really experienced that change,
and that's why...
...my journey needs to end today.
Wow, that was really hard.
I didn't think it'd be that hard to send that message.
But I know it's the right decision for me.
Mummy's coming home, Barnaby.
I'm coming home.
I'm so much stronger than I ever imagined.
I can be cold, I can go hungry.
They were never going to be my reasons for leaving,
but I miss my son, I miss my family.
I want to go home. I want to see Barnaby.
I know he's going to love what I've done out here
and I know he's going to be really proud of me.
Despite the pain in his wrist,
Tom has decided to try fishing again.
Fish on.
Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
Ah, so hungry. Come on, swallow it.
Fish on, fish on. Fish on.
This time I've got you. This time I've got you!
You are my...fucking big fish.
He's a whopper!
Oh-hoooo!
Wow! Oh, my God.
That's insane.
I'm lost for words, really.
I know I'm a one-trick pony with these pike, but it's survival,
and this is a game of survival.
And I managed to fish
locking in my wrist and just using this hand to reel in,
and so I was not exacerbating this, which really, that's...
That was almost as good as catching the fish,
realising I can do this even with a messed-up wrist.
I feel so weird.
My skin's, like, crawling.
I just feel...
...like my body isn't attached to my head.
I was having food visions.
It's like I'm dreaming but I'm not, I'm awake.
I was making a frittata just then.
SHE MOANS Oh, God.
My body is just...completely fucked.
I don't even have, like, the energy...
.o cry.
So, I've woken up today feeling...
Oh, my God, like, really weird.
I really don't feel good, I don't feel like me.
I don't want to be here like this.
And I think it's time just to quit while I'm still
of slightly stable mind.
Thinking about pressing the button...and leaving.
It's quite daunting.
SHE SIGHS
Oh, my God, my heart is racing.
Just do it.
I don't know why this is so hard.
I'm terrified of pushing the button.
Really terrified.
Oh, God.
But I have to do it...
...because I can't go on like this.
I feel out of myself.
I can't think straight,
I'm just going to do it.
I'm doing it.
I'm doing it, oh, my God.
Hello? I'm tapping out.
Hi.
How are you?
I'm OK, I'm just, like... totally done.
You are second. I'm second? Yeah. Oh, fuck!
SHE LAUGHS
That's crazy!
I don't actually think I could've done another night.
Just all these, like, almost like hallucinating, like, thoughts,
I think my mind kind of went after, like,
having nothing for so long.
Over the last ten years, I had, like, really bad issues
with anxiety and panic attacks, like, all through my 20s,
I totally lost myself. I didn't know who I was.
So, for me, it's been really kind of calming,
apart from, like, the last few days,
I've felt quite calm the whole time.
I'm happy in myself, which I haven't been for a long time.
I think I'll take that forward, and just remember what I did here.
PHONE RINGS
Hello.
We wanted to let you know you've won.
LAUGHING: Shut up!
what? No!
My heart is pounding out of my chest.
It feels like a dream. Well done.
Did that just happen?
Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm shocked, I'm completely shocked.
God, I can't believe it.
I just won 100 grand!
HE LAUGHS
Ohh! LAUGHTER CONTINUES
That's his zone.
There they are.
It's my ticket outta here!
We're going hoooome!
Can I have a hug?
I haven't had a hug for a while.
I'm completely shocked and, erm, overwhelmed.
It's definitely given me a confidence boost.
I struggled academically at school,
and I was always labelled stupid and a failure.
I've never been able to shake off those kind of labels.
That feeling of self-doubt, it's a heavy burden to carry,
but this experience has been an amazing opportunity to prove myself.
Now it's starting to feel a bit more real. It sure is, huh?
I feel pretty overwhelmed with emotion, leaving this place.
That's my island.
See you later.
Thanks for all the fish.
I'm immensely proud of myself for adapting to this environment.
It'll punish you. Every day was a struggle to stay alive.
This was my Everest.
This is the survival Olympics.
I'm back. He's back!
Got my Grace.
We're just off on a lovely little walk in the Malvern Hills.
A lot more tamer than the wilderness of Canada.
Woo!
So, I'll sort my hair out, fabulous.
Trying to get over the fact I tapped out was probably
the hardest pill to swallow.
But I realised, going from feeling like you were a failure
to feeling on top of the world,
that journey within itself is probably the biggest thing
I can take away from this. May not have seemed it at the time,
but it's probably one of the best things that's ever happened to me.
What you were seeing in Canada was just pure instinct.
It's a squirrel.
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
Oh, fuck, I got him!
If I could have this feeling every day,
I'd die the happiest man in the world.
Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
This is what pure joy looks like.
Champion!
I feel like I adapted very, very well.
I submerged myself in the wilderness.
Oh, there's berries. Just going to have a little munch.
Hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya.
But the mental side, I just really wasn't expecting...
...how it truly is to be alone.
TEARFULLY: What is wrong with me?
I really, really miss the love of my life, Grace.
And the reason why I was sad out there,
it didn't feel the same as just missing family.
It did, it just felt like grief,
like I was never going to see anyone again.
At the time, it sucked, but now I just feel fearless,
like I could take on anything.
There's been lots of really,
really big changes since I came home.
I just felt like I was living somebody else's life,
so I quit my nine-to-five.
Just couldn't bear to be on a laptop for almost a second longer.
The new job is bush craft instructing.
Cool. Yeah, that's on.
When I look back on my experience in Canada,
you know, that was the biggest, bravest,
scariest thing I've ever done.
There's a bear.
Pretty fucking scared, to be honest.
The whole experience has pushed me harder than
I've ever been pushed before.
Oh, my God, oh, my God! A duck.
My heart's literally going out of my chest.
I'm sorry.
That was really hard.
It's been life-changing.
I can do things that seem like they're impossibly difficult things,
and be OK.
Oh, my God. Wow.
I feel braver, I feel more resilient.
That feels like a win to me.
Here I am with my family. There's Lily and my lovely wife, Steffy.
Just wave or something, honey, wave.
And my charming boy, Killian.
Lily, how was it while I was gone?
How did you get along without me? Bad.
Steffy was very clear that, while she missed me,
if I'd have come back because I missed them, she'd have beat me up.
But it made me feel nice that everyone needed me.
Are you filming me? Are you filming me?
HE LAUGHS
It's always hard to tell in a house full of autistics
whether anyone even wants you there at all,
and it was nice to feel wanted.
It's an autistic paradise.
HE LAUGHS
I don't care any more what day it is, what time it is,
it doesn't matter, it's fucking wonderful.
There were definitely moments where I was like, "This is epic."
But I left in a pretty bad way, really.
I'm losing hope.
Ohh.
Got one more trap...
...and there's nothing.
HE SOBS QUIETLY
It would've been nice to win it. I would've really liked 100 grand,
but it made me re-prioritise things about my life
and my family and myself.
Letting them know that I love them and spending time with them
more than I had in the past.
Emotionally, it was a good journey to go on.
An unforgettable adventure, really.
SHE GIGGLES Mm-mm-mm!
LOUD GIGGLING
Coming back and seeing Barnaby for the first time was
the most joyful moment of my life.
Where did I go and live in the wild? Do you remember?
Canada.
I'm so incredibly proud of myself to make it to the top three.
Who was living in my shelter, was it Mummy?
No. No? Only bears.
RUSTLING
There is something right outside my shelter.
Go away! BEAR GROWLS
Hey, bear!
And I knew it was close, I could hear it huffing,
and it leaned right next to where my head was.
That's where I really surprised myself,
with just how strong I was when it came to facing
these predators that I'd never had to face before.
Today is my son's birthday.
TEARFULLY: It kills me that I'm away.
Despite it being a very physical challenge,
it was also an extremely mental challenge.
I'm here because I want to make him proud, I want him to be able to go,
"Look at my mummy, look what she's doing."
Now, knowing that I can do it, I can face challenges,
I've come home a much happier mum, a much more understanding mum.
I know myself better,
and he definitely sees this side of me.
Feels like, a bit like a dream, the whole thing that happened,
especially now I'm back in London.
I still appreciate really small things, like, even just
being able to go and get a cup of tea is quite amazing to me now,
I don't have to make a fire.
So, I went into this with a real devil on my shoulder,
you know, that horrible voice that's always telling you,
"You're not doing good enough, you're doing something wrong."
And I'm a lot stronger than I ever gave myself any credit for.
Oh, my God. That is so nuts!
How amazing is that?
Because of my anxiety,
I've never really thought I'd have the mental strength.
But I just know that I can deal with it now.
It's really changed the way that I see myself.
Oh, my God. Yes!
Oh, my God, I got a fish!
Oh, it's so small - but you're so edible.
I never thought I'd be so happy over a fish.
As long as you have that positive attitude and, like, perseverance,
you can do a lot better than you think.
And I think I take that into everyday life with me now.
SHE LAUGHS
I've moved to Portugal!
I'm here with my family, Anna and Edward.
It's our new home. We love it here.
All right, is it recording, Ed?
When I went into the wilderness,
I never really thought too much about winning.
Taking part in this competition,
it's hard a profound impact on me.
I had some of the hardest times of my life out there.
I thought fishing was going to be the easy bit.
Fish on.
Ahh! Snapped the line.
If I don't get fish, I don't last here very long.
I think when you go and do something like this,
something so momentous and challenging...
There is so little food on you, dude.
...you know, you have to go so far out of your comfort zone...
...that it becomes easier to deal with other challenges.
I really hope I don't get sick.
I'm so glad I took part. I'm a better person for it.
Undoubtedly, it's chiselled away at my impostor syndrome and, yeah,
it's something I'll be proud of for the rest of my life.
Come on, Daddy, you can get in the cold!
When I've closed my eyes and take myself back to being out
in the wilderness in Canada...
...suddenly my senses open up again.
I can hear everything.
You become so much more hyper-aware.
There's so much of it you want to hold on to.
All you have to listen to is nature.
The sound of the water is so loud,
the silence is deafening.
It's really powerful.
It's magnificent.
The Northern Lights are above you.
It's like the land is alive.
It is overwhelming because it's so vast.
And I got to immerse myself in one of the last wildernesses
left on Earth, and that is really special.
It's just the rawest, realest, beautiful experience.
I'll forever be grateful.
I'm never going to forget everything it made me feel.
If you would be interested in taking part in a potential new series
of Alone UK, go to the Channel 4 website...
Subtitles by Red Bee Media