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Sometimes I wonder if I have a pattern
with the choices that I've made in my life.
Evan was an obvious douche.
I should've paid attention to the signs.
Dave had crazy eyes.
I never should've gone on the second date.
I mean, look at him!
And Colin did a lot of drugs, just like my sister.
Why am I choosing these people?
There were a few nice ones, but I broke up with them.
Why am I doing this?
All your fault.
Mom and Dad.
Everything's going great. My life is great.
My life is great.
Hi. I'm here for Clio Fitzgerald.
Clio Fitzgerald for discharge.
Sign these papers saying that we released her to your care.
Well, it's not my care. It's my parents' care.
She's staying in their garage.
You need to take responsibility for her.
You gonna take her home?
OK.
Dr. Bender to the mental ward, please.
Mountain View Rehabilitation Center.
So you are off drugs now, right?
Yeah.
I started a workout revolution in that hellhole. Yes, I did.
Everything's gonna be OK.
Right, I just feel really--
- You're so good. - Thank you.
It's like I have...
I have, like, a newfound purpose or something.
I feel like all you need is a catchy name, you know?
- We're with you. - You got something.
Hey, Clio came up with a great new idea.
Punchilates. It's a cross between Pilates and kickboxing.
Ooh, I love this idea.
So you're gonna do a workout class, like mine?
My workout class is nothing like yours. It's better.
It's not for dumb yoga idiots.
It's for badass people that want to destroy shit.
So it's a workout class.
It's Pilates that kicks your ass.
It's a great idea, honey, and I'm proud of you.
- See? - Are you proud of me?
- I have a real class. - Proud? No, no, no.
Not if you're still living in sin with Dave.
- OK, Al- - We broke up.
So why not marry that nice guy from my church group, huh?
He's a virgin.
That's weird you know that.
Oh, that dismissive tone's the voice of Satan in your life.
I don't want to hear about hell again, ever.
Your choices reflect on me.
Don't you want me to go to heaven?
OK, well, I'll keep you posted on my activities,
and how they affect your chances of heaven.
God!
Heal this family!
And should we sin against thee, Lord,
let us be cast in fire and tormented for all eternity,
cursed as we go in, and cursed as we come out.
You be nice to your sister.
Family is only as happy as its least happy member.
Anne, I need to show you something in my craft room.
You alright, honey?
Why did she buy this stuff?
It's like I always told you.
Don't get married, and don't have children.
I could've been a famous singer,
but then I married your father.
I had to take care of you two,
and I had to give up on my dream.
Don't do what I did. Look what happened to me.
Are you saying you wish you didn't have me?
No.
I mean, I had to get vaginal reconstructive surgery
after you were born, but no, I love you both so much.
So much.
Honestly, I love you a little more than your sister.
When is she going to get it together?
- I gotta go. - Always remember,
your career is all that matters.
OK.
I always thought you'd be a star,
but you're yoga teacher, and that's almost as good.
One of us needs to be really important.
I've got to put this family on the map.
Now, look, look.
I've made an album, and I'm going to drop it online.
Have you heard about this? Dropping music?
It's what everybody does these days.
You know, no run-up, just midnight release,
and boom, you're Lady Gaga.
It's time I do something with my life.
- You have done something. - Listen to my tracks
and tell me if I'm any good.
And if you think I'm any good, I'll drop it.
And if you don't think it's good, I- I won't drop it.
Why ask me? I'm not in the music business.
You listen to music, and I trust your opinion.
Please get back to me as soon as possible.
My dreams await your answer.
- Hey. - Hey. How'd it go?
Can I come over?
Oh no. That bad, huh?
OK, so I need the opinions
of my very best taste testers.
Does it go on the opening night menu?
Yes!
Please teach her how to cook.
I could.
Can you believe, six months ago,
this place was called "Cap'n Ahab's Crab Shack"?
That's a mouthful.
And now I think, honestly,
we are, like, a year from getting a Bib Gourmand,
which is the rating just under one star
in the Michelin guide.
I just want to say congratulations
on opening your first restaurant.
I am so proud of you guys.
You're gonna make an ass-load.
Yes, please.
We absolutely have to, 'cause right now,
we are in staggering debt.
Yes, you are.
No more doom and gloom, Max.
- Think positive. - Yeah, no more Mr. Worryface.
- No more Mr. Worries? - No more Mr. Worries.
No more Mr. Worryface.
Oh, alright.
Yes, you can call me Mr. Worryface.
Well, I am so proud of you.
This is such a big dream of yours. Yeah.
Smooch, smooch, smooch!
Smoochie! I love Auntie Anne.
What about Auntie Roz?
- Where's the love there? - She loves me more.
Well, I can't imagine that could be true, my lady.
How do you stand on that?
You're both good.
- OK. - She's a diplomat.
See? Have a kid. It's great.
Well, I don't have a boyfriend,
and I deleted Dave from my contacts.
Did you put your app profile up?
- No. - Well, I got your passwords.
I'm going home and I'm doing it for you.
You have terrible taste in boyfriends.
And S-H-I-T passwords.
I can spell.
You helped me through my divorce,
and I'm gonna help you here.
This is a bad boyfriend intervention.
You need to stop dating losers.
- It's not an intervention. - Yes, it is.
No, we have nothing to do with this.
You are on your own, Roz.
You're gonna just let me sit here?
- Absolutely. - OK.
I do want to break my pattern.
OK, so you do admit that you have a pattern.
What do you think, Max?
What about the guy who had all the panic attacks?
Well, um...
Or the workaholic with erectile dysfunction?
Or the drug addict that actually overdosed?
Or the guy who had all the temper tantrums in public?
Or the one who ended up in a mental institution
because he walked into a bar waving a toy gun?
Or the guy who refused to admit that he wore a toupee,
even though it fell off in front of you?
- Hey, what about Sean? - I liked Sean!
- Sean was great. - Sean was great,
but then she broke up with him for no reason, remember?
Maybe this is an intervention.
- Thank you. - OK, but not a planned one.
I don't care. Impromptu intervention.
- It's still important. - Right.
No more basket cases for me.
- Yay! - Great.
Oh my god. Yes, please.
Hey, guys.
- Hi! - Hey, buddy.
- How are you? - Steve.
It's just a vibe check with the doors.
Roz, Anne, this is my contractor, Steve.
- Hi. - Hi. It's nice to meet you.
This is my daughter, Lily.
- Hi. - Hi, Lily. I'm Emma.
Nice to meet you.
You can say hi.
- Hi. - Steve,
you are very attractive, almost alarming so.
Uh, thank you.
Well, that is what everyone looks for in a contractor.
I mean, it's on the list.
- Cuteness. - Yep. Yep.
I'm gonna check the doors out.
- Oh, thank you. - Now that it's weird.
- Nice to meet you. - You made it weird.
I know, I made it weird, yeah. Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Alright, he's very cute. Is he single? 'Cause I like this.
- He's getting divorced. - Perfect. But is he nice?
Because if he's nice, she'll break up with him,
like poor Sean, so then maybe not a great idea.
He's very nice.
And he's also not finished yet.
OK. Well, then no, Steve's out.
Alright, I'm shaving a couple years off you.
- Thank you. - I'm putting in your profile
that you're looking for a guy with no emotional disorders.
Don't write that! That sounds desperate.
It does not sound desperate.
How do you know they're not gonna murder you?
Oh, you don't. That's part of the fun.
I think it's better to get set up by a friend.
Alright.
Max, set up Anne, with that hot guy Steve.
Oh, come on!
- No, just do it. - Look,
he's the only affordable contractor I could find.
And you know how she goes through guys.
- What? - Sorry, uh,
I should've have told you that you are
on speakerphone with Anne.
- Oh! - Hi!
I mean, you know, Anne's great, you're great.
Yeah, I'll call him.
Thank you!
They just raised my rent.
I need you to get more students.
Write a blog, and call it "How to Be Happy," or some shit.
I don't know how to write a blog.
Write down the crap you say in class,
and try to find a way to be relevant.
Like Kim Kardashian.
Post some pictures of yourself in a bikini, or some shit.
OK.
Don't fuck up my peace.
Namaste.
Alright, let's meet in Tadasana.
No, it feels like .
But hey, how is this, right? Yeah.
- Oh! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. - It's fine.
OK, no, no. No, that is not fine.
I want you to sit down here. I gotta take care of that.
I got a first aid kit.
- You must be prepared, right? - Well...
OK, come on, sit. Give it to me.
But see, here's- here's the real question.
Do you want to be Snow White or Cinderella?
Snow White, definitely.
Come on, get it up here.
Give it to me. Don't be shy.
We gotta get to know each other.
OK.
OK. This might sting.
Ooh, ah, did that hurt?
- You OK? OK, alright - It's OK. No, it's great.
Yeah, you did it.
You...
are...
all better.
I'd kiss it, but that'd be awkward, right?
Um, this is my favorite beach.
That is what's in your bag?
I figured when a guy says a picnic,
he means two sandwiches and Snapple.
Oh, no, no, no. This here,
this is Steve's world-famous homemade fried chicken.
And, oh, I didn't know if
you preferred still or sparkling water,
so I brought both.
Is this a bit overboard? Did I just totally go nuts here?
I think it's impressive.
You know, when my ex and I split up,
I, uh, had to learn how to cook,
'cause my daughter would look at me, and be like,
"Dad, what are we eating?" And I'd be like, "I don't know!"
I'm just really used to carrying stuff.
I'm like my...
I'm like my daughter's mule.
Um...
So Max told me that you are a yoga teacher,
so I had to do what we do, and I googled that shit.
And you know, I gotta be honest, though.
I think...
I think you're the most beautiful yoga teacher
in all of Rhode Island.
Max told me that, um, that you're going through a divorce?
Yes, which is not as cool as being a yoga teacher.
We've been separated, uh, well over a year.
And she has just been raking me over the coals.
So really, I just want my daughter to be OK.
OK, full- full disclosure.
I have not been on a
proper date in, like, well over a decade.
So are you OK with that?
'Cause I'm not sure I'm doing this right.
You're already better than all my past boyfriends combined.
Aww. Anyways, uh,
cheers.
Cheers.
Eat, eat, eat, eat. Go.
The world-famous...
Mmm!
Here she is!
- Emma! - Hi.
Anne, thanks for picking her up.
Anytime.
I have something to say.
Winnie at school told me my shirt was dumb.
Winnie sounds dumb.
But you know you can feel good about yourself
no matter what people say, right?
- Yeah. - One thing for sure,
we all know...
Winnie needs to die.
OK, calm down. Some people just have bad taste.
I just think Winnie's a narcissist,
or has problems at home.
Wow. That is really mature, little lady.
- Thank you. - Almost freakishly mature.
What do you think about the tablecloths?
- They're so pretty! - Lemme give her a hand.
And look what Steve fixed.
Wow!
- Wow! - Let's go!
Yeah, Steve did an amazing job.
Speaking of...
How'd that go?
- We went on a date. - And?
It was great.
So there's nothing weird about him?
- He made me a picnic. - Oh, he cooks.
I think I can help him get over the pain of the divorce
and find joy again.
Well, that sounds easy.
I just want to make sure he doesn't have
a personality disorder lurking in there.
- Some of this. - He's almost,
almost suspiciously handsome.
Woo! Can you throw me that?
Ah.
You sure you don't want to join me?
Tell me what's good about you and what's bad.
OK, here we go.
What's good?
Oh, easy. I give the best foot massages.
The best? That's a big claim.
Well, so I've been told.
- OK. - Oh, OK.
Is this how you seduce women?
Is it working?
Oh.
- Pause for second. - Sure. Yep.
Hey.
Uh-huh.
OK.
Uh-huh.
- What's up? - I have to go. I'm sorry.
Why? What happened?
I have to find my stupid sister.
Oh, um...
Can I help?
You don't want to meet my family this soon.
You definitely wouldn't want to date me then.
How about I drive?
Come on. Let's go.
Let's find your sister.
Wait, wait, I think I see her. Pull over.
Clio!
Oh.
Clio!
Come back!
Oh, fuck you. You don't care about me.
Nobody cares about me.
When you wander around dangerous places,
it's hard to find you.
Fuck off. Go back to your easy life, OK?
Some people have to struggle, you know?
- Get in the car. - No!
Hi, I'm Steve, by the way.
You're welcome to come with us.
Who's this asshole?
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I ruin your perfect day?
Your perfect day with your perfect boyfriend?
I have problems too, you know.
Whatever your problems are nothing compared to mine.
- Thanks. - Like one billion
minus a trillion.
Great. I guess you win?
Come on, babe. Let's go.
I think she's gonna come with us.
This guy.
Back off.
You're a fucking loser.
OK.
Sorry.
Love you.
He's my sponsor, dumbass.
Really?
Hey, Clio.
What?
Uh, we're worried about you, baby.
Uh-huh.
How did this happen?
Well, I can't follow her around day and night.
Follow me on Instagram, bitch.
You are your sister's keeper.
- She's almost 40. - 40 is the new 30.
We're taking you back to rehab.
- No fucking way. - We care about you.
We don't want you to die.
- Daddy! - You're my baby.
I love you. Don't die.
I don't want to die.
- I don't want to die. - Don't die.
- Please don't let me die. - I won't let you. I love you.
- You're my baby. Don't die. - I don't want to die.
- Don't let me die. - You're not going to die.
- What a fun day. - Come on. Come on.
Nothing is more important than family.
Did you listen to my tracks?
Not yet.
- Honey! - I will.
Hi, I'm Steve.
It is so lovely to meet Anne's family.
Oh, nice to meet you, Steve.
I hope I get to see you again sometime.
Oh, well, I hope that I get to hear your tracks sometime.
Oh! Oh!
- Oh. - Gotta go.
- Bye. - Yeah, bye.
OK. Oh, we're out.
You OK?
My family's fucked up.
Everybody's family is fucked up.
You still want to hang out with me after all that?
Um...
Hmm.
Should I do this?
I'm doing this.
If I like there's gotta be something wrong with him.
I mean...
I should not do it,
and I should get to know him for, like, six months first.
Definitely, definitely,
not having sex with him.
No sex.
No sex for me.
Anne, where's the fucking blog? We need to make this money.
OK.
Hi.
I'm Anne Fitzgerald.
Doing yoga can make you feel so good.
It can relieve stress and tension.
Come to my class.
Ugh. Because I'm relevant.
Except, I'm not. I'm a mess.
And I hate myself every time I see my family.
Family sucks. Is it OK to say your family sucks?
I feel like we're only allowed to talk
about how much we love our families.
But how did I end up with these crazy people?
Sometimes I hate my sister.
I'm wearing a bikini for no reason, actually,
'cause I'm trying to be like Kim Kardashian.
Soon I'll be getting butt implants,
but I want you to know I'm very spiritual.
Do yoga and try not to have a nervous breakdown, like me.
- Hey! - Terrible!
Hot? What, you swimming? What's happening?
Oh, it's, uh, um, I don't know.
It's too embarrassing to tell you.
- I have frozen yogurt. - What's up!
Tell me you got chocolate peanut butter with Sno-Caps.
Yes. OK, this isn't a chat. What is going on?
I'm so into him.
- OK. - OK.
But I just want you to tell me what you think,
'cause you have a better asshole radar than me.
I do, thank you, and I will, alright?
Just don't give him a hard time.
Oh no. I'm going to grill that fucker.
Oh!
Oh yeah. It's for you and everyone, for sure.
Alright, here we go.
- So, Steve. - Yes?
When did you become a contractor?
Ah, let's see, I was licensed and bonded
maybe twelve, ten, twelve years ago?
Yeah, I think something like that.
And before that I was trying to be a comedian.
Yeah. Then practical set in, so.
- Practical's good. - Yes.
I mean, I can still ham it up a little bit, because
I am from the
Ministry of the Silly Walks.
Ah! Monty Python!
Yes!
- There she goes. - Thank you for doing that.
I would've felt like a total fool.
Your leg is insane!
Alright, Max, if we're all doing tricks, do your juggles.
- Come on, Max. - No, nobody juggles.
- Who juggles? - Come on, Max.
Oh, you know, there's nothing I hate more
than when I sit by the fruit, for sure, and I don't--
He's been doing this since college.
I hate doing it.
Why even ask me? That's how I kept girls away in college.
Except her, right? You fell for the juggling.
Exactly.
So Frances, she's like a walking encyclopedia.
You can ask her any question.
OK. What would you call her?
Sexlexa.
Thank you.
Frances Google.
Oh, and she speaks, like, a million languages.
Japanese. Go!
Tamil. Go!
Mandarin. Go!
Dsh! Like, dsh, dsh!
OK. That's very impressive.
Well, Steve is impressive. He's a loving, sweet dad.
Apparently you make pretty great-looking fried chicken.
A little nervous coming from the master chef like you.
Right, right, right?
The way to this man's heart is through his tum-tum.
OK. Yes.
Also, never say tum-tum again. That was so upsetting.
Yeah, I think that's how I won over this little lady,
was my, uh, fried chicken.
What are your intentions with this little lady?
- Mm. - Uh...
And, uh, when are you going to introduce
this little lady to your little lady?
- Oh. - Roz!
Touché. Good point.
She's scary.
Uh, Good question. No, it's a good, great question.
You know, I was, I'm just looking for the right time.
Yeah, no, that makes sense.
You know when the right time is?
- When? - Roz.
Right now.
- OK, I see. - Calm down, Roz.
No. There's a kid involved, and they just met.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime for Steve,
because Anne is that great.
OK, do you know how great she is?
You're right, because she is that great.
Aw.
And...
OK, yeah.
How is
Thursday, after dance practice?
Ice cream?
I would love to.
It's a date. It's a date.
I mean, if you guys want to do it.
Is there an event going on today?
Anne, what's with the crazy video you posted yesterday?
Huh?
I'm wearing a bikini for no reason.
Holy shit!
I thought it was a massive fuckup
till I saw how many hits you got.
Some teenybopper influencer reposted you,
'cause they hate their parents too, blah, blah, blah,
and now there's 20,403 people writing in to say
how their parents give them massive anxiety.
I guess there's a lotta crazy people out there
who can relate to you.
Really?
Your class sold out today, and there's a waiting list.
I really hope my family didn't see that.
Post some more crazy shit.
The bikini was a good idea.
Ass implants could be a good thing too.
She's so sassy.
She's a ham. She really is.
It's like, look at that pose.
She's got the whole...
Am I boring you with these?
- No! I think she's amazing. - OK, alright.
- She is amazing. - Yeah.
Where's this one? Oh, here it is.
- This is-- - Look at her face!
I know. That's right where she lost her first tooth.
Gosh.
She's just gonna love you.
I hope so.
She is.
I would never say this to her,
but her mom is such a narcissistic bitch.
It's...
exhausting.
I just want her to be around good people, you know?
Good people like you.
You think I'm a good person?
Hmm...
I know you're a good person.
Do you think our parents are normal or crazy?
Completely crazy.
Was dad a jerk to when we were kids,
and Mom basically did nothing?
I try to completely block out all childhood memories.
How can you live with them?
I don't know.
Fuck authority!
That's right. Oh, I feel.
Yeah!
Whoo!
Kicks. Get it out. Get the rage out.
And ah! Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch!
50 punches. Let's go!
How is Clio? She doesn't talk to me.
She needs your help.
You can take care of yourself. She can't.
Great job, hun.
Great class.
It's a hard workout.
- You afraid to spar with me? - Yes, definitely.
It's a hard workout.
I gotta go. I'm meeting Steve's kid today.
Steve? Oh, lemme guess. Your latest partner in sin?
I guess.
I won't sit at the same table with him
unless you're married.
You have to choose, me or him.
Great. I choose him.
Look, I spoke with Father Peter. Call him.
Confess before Satan claims your immortal soul.
No.
Leave a voicemail.
The risen Christ is only a phone call away.
OK, I gotta go.
Are you angry? Are you angry? Are you angry?
I saw the video you posted.
I'm sorry.
How could you say that about us?
- Has he seen it? - No.
Listen, I need a performance space
so I can do my concert to launch my album.
I need to get followers on Facebook,
Twitter, and Instagram.
You know, get with the times, honey.
I need your help. It's the least you can do.
No talking in the back! That's you!
This can't be all there is for me.
No talking in the back! Thank you!
- Hi. Hi. - Hi.
- Mm. - Mm.
I missed you.
- Your house is so nice. - Oh!
Thank you. Yes, welcome.
This is my mid-century modern money pit.
Impressive.
Oh, I, OK.
I got you a little something.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Just, you know, read it when you can.
I mean, how hard could it be to get along
with an adorable 7-year-old?
Yeah. Uh, no it is. It will, it will be great.
Um, but listen, just...
I just don't want to upset her about anything.
So if, uh, if she's getting upset,
we just watch her reactions,
and we stop doing the thing that's upsetting her.
Let's just relax and have fun.
Ah, OK. You know, uh, "Sleeping Beauty," she loves that.
Maybe you could talk to her about "Sleeping Beauty."
Well, it's been a long time since I read that.
Oh, OK.
Well, maybe you could read it again.
Oh, again, here she is, so it's gonna be great.
Alright, I'm gonna get her and, uh...
OK, whoa, hey, OK. I'm so smooth.
Thank you, Chris. Appreciate it.
- Bye, Scarlet! - Bye!
Hi, sweetie. How was your day?
Good. I did a plie.
Did you really? Can I see one.
Hi, Lily.
I've heard a lot about you, and I heard you're great.
No, Daddy.
What?
- Lily. - No!
Do you want to go get an ice cream?
Oh, yeah, ice cream.
Daddy, let's hang out, just the two of us.
Um...
I think
we're gonna...
No, no, no.
No, sweetie, listen. Come here, come on now.
It's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK.
Shh. Come on. Shh.
It's alright sweetie, OK?
We'll do whatever you want, alright?
I thought we were gonna get an ice cream.
- No. - Um...
Can you just say that, "It's nice to meet you, Anne,
and we'll get together another time"?
Lily, can you say, "It's nice to meet you, Anne"?
Bye, Anne.
Um...
I'm really sorry. Can I, can I just call you later?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, yeah.
OK. I'm sorry.
Oh, wait. Uh, I got you a present, Lily.
Do you like presents?
Look, look, look.
Oh, who doesn't like a present, huh? Huh?
I love dolls!
Good.
My mommy's a party planner. She likes dolls too.
She sounds cool.
What do you say? What do you say?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Did you know I have a point system?
What's a point system?
I'm giving you 10 points.
Aw, thank you for the points. Gimme five!
OK. Yes!
You want to go get ice cream?
- Yeah! - Yes! OK!
No matter what happened in your past, you can be happy.
Heal yourself and heal the people around you
with your loving energy.
Give yourself a little love pat.
Good job, good job. I love you, I love you!
Great class, everyone.
When are you gonna do more crazy videos
and gain more followers?
Um...
Would it be possible for my mom
to have a small concert here?
No fucking way.
This space is only for yoga,
and we need to keep the energy fucking pure.
I had a monk bless it.
OK.
Wait.
Now that your classes are selling out,
I made a call to the Good Living Festival about you.
Really?
I talked them into giving you a spot.
Oh!
I'm gonna try to bring my friend.
If you do well, he can get you an endorsement,
which means big shmoney.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Namaste.
Thank you!
Don't fuck it up!
- Hey. - Hi!
Hey. Thanks for coming over.
Heck, yeah. Thanks for having us.
Can get you guys something to drink?
Oh, maybe water or something.
You said you had, what, big news?
Oh. I got asked to teach at the Good Living Festival.
What? Congratulations.
I'm not cool enough to know what that means.
It's the biggest yoga, health, music
festival in the area.
And if I do well, I could get a sponsorship.
Oh my goodness, that's amazing! Congratulations!
You must be so thrilled.
Lily, I'm so happy you're here.
Uh, what do you want to do?
Daddy, can we play my favorite song and do the dance?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Anne does not want to see the dance.
Anne does want to see the dance.
Daddy, please!
This is Anne's house.
I just don't think that's a good idea.
- Ooh! - You are a little rascal.
You had that cued.
Oh!
Oh my god!
What?
Oh!
Oh my god!
Doot, doot, doot!
Alright, you got it, you got it.
- May I have this dance? - Yeah.
So then the Princess Lily saved the Magical Kingdom
with her amazing superpowers,
and she flew off into the sky,
riding on the wings of her pet bird named Esmeralda.
I should get her home.
OK.
I love her.
She loves you.
I always wanted a kid,
but I figured it wasn't in the cards for me.
It was a big deal to introduce her to you.
Lemme get her off you.
Here, sweetie. Put your arms around me, OK?
Yeah, there we go.
Oh.
Hey.
You would make a great mom.
We had a really good time.
There they are. Congratulations!
Burrata?
Dammit. Why is this so good?
It literally makes my body tingle.
Hey, did you guys know that 90% of restaurants
close within the first year?
- So, this could be the end. - This could be the end.
Your eyes are so big right now.
Yeah, yeah, I haven't slept.
We're gonna do the dinner service, so just find seats, OK?
Alright. Cheer up, Dr. Worry Face.
- I'm a doctor now? - Yeah.
- That's how worried you are. - Find seats!
We're finding seats!
My mom is pressuring me to get a space for her concert.
Don't you think it's better for everyone
if she just doesn't have a concert?
Alright, what's going on with Steve, by the by?
He loves his kid so much.
I wish my dad loved me like that.
So you wish Hot Daddy was your daddy?
You want Hot Daddy to be your daddy?
No!
You want Hot Daddy to be your daddy.
You know, I didn't mean to post the last video,
but it felt good to be honest.
I really, um, I'm not that honest in my life a lot.
I really try so hard to make everyone around me happy,
and people please.
I just am a people pleaser.
And sometimes I really hate myself,
and I only feel good if I can make someone else feel good.
And that's really exhausting.
And I'm really afraid my sister's gonna O.D. and die,
and so I do yoga to make myself feel better.
And it does help.
Um...
But...
Oh!
What's up?
"An exciting new voice in the Rhode Island foodie scene."
"Truly delicious," it goes on. It's good, really good.
- In the "Chronicle." - Yeah.
Does that translate into money?
Uh, well, yeah.
I mean, we have a lotta loans, so the money is,
you know, is kinda far away.
Michelin Star, here you come.
It might work out.
Try to get excited, please.
Congratulations. So proud of you.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
- Hi. Come on in. - Hey.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I'm just not sure we should,
like, hug and kiss in front of Lily yet.
I don't think she's ready for that.
OK.
Because I haven't exactly told her that,
you know, you're my girlfriend.
I just want to take it slow with her, so.
I don't want to lie to her.
Of course, of course.
Oh, man. My ex has been a nightmare today.
And you, you are just helping the situation.
I'm helping?
You are helping the situation.
OK.
Hi, sweetie, what are you doing?
Good popcorn, Daddy.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
He is my daddy.
- Oh, silly. - I know. It's a joke.
You're not my mommy.
Lily! Be nice.
I'm your friend.
Um, I'm getting sleepy. Do you want to put her in her room?
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, Daddy, no!
What's the matter?
She gets a lot of nightmares,
so I let her sleep in my bed.
I want to sleep with you.
I thought we were gonna sleep together.
What?
Uh...
Well, look, sometimes when you're at Mommy's,
Anne sleeps in Daddy's bedroom.
You sleep in the same bed with Anne?
- Yuck! - Uh...
Yeah.
Why?
But, but Daddy. No, no, no!
OK.
OK, there we go. You good?
You lose two points. Eight points only now.
- Right, Daddy? - Hey!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I want you to be nice to Anne, OK?
Remember how much fun we had dancing together?
No.
Daddy,
no!
OK, OK.
Listen, yes, you can sleep in my bed.
What?
OK?
Daddy, I'm thirsty.
Hold the popcorn, and I'll get you a glass of water, OK?
Thank you, Daddy.
My mommy has been on TV.
Have you been on TV?
No.
My mommy knows the mayor.
You don't know the mayor.
I don't know the mayor.
She's planning a party for the mayor.
Wow. She sounds cool.
I teach yoga, and my class is very popular.
I just got asked to teach at the Good Living Festival.
- Is that on TV? - No.
Then you lose another point. Seven points only.
Mommy says Daddy is not a real man.
Well, that's not a nice thing to say.
But Josh is a real man.
Who's Josh?
Josh is Mommy's friend.
He lives with us and uses our bathroom.
Mommy also says Daddy is silly and embarrassing.
Mommy says a lot of things about Daddy.
That's why Mommy has her own house.
Here's your water, Sweetie.
I'm...
gonna take you into her room.
Her bedroom. Why?
Just--
She's talking about that points thing.
- That's really weird. - Look, just, just...
OK, sit down, please. Listen.
Lily sleeps with me because she gets scared at night, OK?
This divorce has been really hard on her,
and the last thing that I need is her telling her mom
that she slept in the same bed with a stranger.
- OK. - But she loves you. She does.
She told me. I promise.
- Does she? - She does, yes.
Can I read you a bedtime story, little lady?
No, that's too weird.
Oh.
The woodsman Steve never thought he'd find love again,
until he acquainted the Princess Anne.
And then Anne and Steve and Lily learned to love each other,
and they lived happily ever after.
Oh, there's a nightlight over there if you need it.
OK. Have a good night.
You can turn the night light off if you want to.
You slept in his kid's bed
while he read you a bedtime story?
Is that weird?
Yeah, that's really weird.
If a guy told me to sleep in his little girl's room,
I would run out of the house screaming.
He's your friend.
He's my contractor.
Well, I think his daughter might hate me.
What?
I don't know if I'm doing this right,
I'm sure you're doing things right.
You're great with kids.
Well, can you guys hang out with us
and tell me what you think of her?
- Yeah. - Sure.
- Of course. - Thank you.
Are you redoing my napkins?
Well, you're doing them crazy.
Yeah, you're doing them wrong.
Yours look crazy.
Is it weird to be scared of a kid?
No. Most kids suck.
Yeah.
Alright, crazy, what do you really think?
She's manipulative, and she can't read.
Her diet is extremely unhealthy.
Her fairytale books are pieces of patriarchal crap.
She's plotting to get rid of me.
Well that, that's a lot of big feelings.
Alright, let's do a little role play. I'm Lily.
What do you want to say to me.
Lily.
Yes, Anne?
Learn some manners, you sadistic bitch!
OK, but you're not gonna actually say that
in real life, right?
I don't think so.
Because you can't say that to a kid.
You're right, I shouldn't.
Nope, 'cause you'll get, like, arrested.
Can I say any of it?
Any of what you just said to me?
- Yeah. - No, no, no.
That's crazy.
Om.
Your thoughts create your reality.
Only positive thoughts today, guys.
Great class.
Thanks, Anne. I loved your last video.
Your class is the best.
- Really? - Yeah.
'cause I'm in the battle of my life with a 7-year-old.
Oh. Are you OK?
- You guys want to get a juice? - Yes.
That was amazing and very hard.
- Hey, Mom. - Honey,
can you hang out with Clio tonight
and keep her away from her druggy friends?
So you want me to babysit my 38-year-old sister?
Someday we'll all be dead,
and you'll be sorry you spent your night
selfishly recording vlogs
when you could've been making memories with your family.
Well, when you put it that way.
Hey.
That looks healthy.
Did you buy bread?
Yeah.
You know I can't have bread.
Just do Punchilates.
Why don't you eat regular food, and then you won't get up
in the middle of the night and binge eat?
Fuck you. Do you know how fattening alcohol is?
I'm only eating steamed vegetables.
Have you been drinking?
You know, I went running today, and I passed out,
'cause I didn't have any food.
Please go to AA.
Did you get any ice cream?
No.
Gimme some bread.
Hmm.
Oh, fuck, bread is good.
Hmm.
Do you remember the time
that we ate that entire ice cream cake, just the two of us?
Do you remember, we used to go to Big Chilly
and eat those huge bowls of frozen yogurt.
You were so afraid of the girl who worked there,
that she'd judge you for getting so much frozen yogurt,
you made me do it, and you hid in the car the whole time.
Have you seen Mom's music video?
It's pathetic.
Where's she gonna show it? Like an old age home?
I think it's brave. She's doing something she cares about.
You know she loves you more than me.
That's not true.
She's always bragging about how successful you are.
You're the success, I'm the failure.
You know how that makes me feel?
Could you just fuck up once in a while?
I do fuck up, constantly.
Do you remember that kid Matthew who lived next door,
and you never let me hang out with the two of you?
That was only, like, one time.
Why didn't you want to hang out with me?
I had a crush on him.
All I ever wanted was to hang out with my big sister.
Yeah.
And the wedding?
Yeah.
Oh! Girls' hangout!
Mom, I saw your pathetic music video,
and I gotta be honest, abort.
Abort, and save yourself the embarrassment.
Honey, that's not nice.
Fuck you, Mom.
Did you watch my video?
I did, and it was great.
Should I put all my energy into this?
Do you think it's finally time I make something of myself?
Did you get a place for my concert?
- I'm working on it. - Love you!
Oh.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Um, Balor, the Celtic god of war.
- Oh, wow! - Oh, wow!
Look at this spread, huh?
OK, you made this chicken?
- It's Steve's recipe. - Very good.
Well, if I may, um,
I would just like to say that I am so grateful
that you're a part of my life,
and I'm really just honored to be part of game night.
- Aw! - So cheers.
- Cheers. - Yes, cheers.
And I'm so thankful my mommy married my daddy.
That is good, or you never would've been born.
That's right.
Not everybody gets invited to game night.
It's true. It is a very hot ticket.
- A special invite. - OK. Alright.
Welcome to Game Night.
- People wait for years. - Lucky.
Lily, I made this chicken specially for you.
Your daddy taught me how.
- Yech! - OK.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. No, no, no, no, no.
- Yuck! - No. OK?
Anne, the chicken is really good.
- It is. - Like, amazing.
Mommy makes it better.
Well, I have not had your mommy's,
but this is about as good as fried chicken can get.
So it would be tough.
I'm taking points away.
Now Anne has two points only.
Daddy, do I have to eat it?
Just eat eat whatever's on the plate, OK?
Yummy, chicken, Anne. Super yummy.
I'm just learning how to make it.
So good.
So good. It makes me feel good.
What do you want, Lily?
You gone.
Hey, you don't mean that. She doesn't mean that.
Lily!
Daddy, remember Mommy?
When you sang a song to her about farts?
Nah. Oh, damn.
I'm pretty sure no one at this table
wants to hear a song about farts.
Daddy, please.
No! That's sick.
I mean, if you do, I guess I'd be...
I don't want to hear a song about farts during dinner.
Right?
Did you know I have a point system?
I grade people with my points, and then I tell Mommy.
Then Mommy gets mad at Daddy and calls her lawyer.
My daughter knows what she likes.
Do you know, Mommy is taking me to Italy and Paris?
Well, that sounds like a fun trip.
Daddy is taking me to Virginia because he's poor.
I think it's gonna be a really great trip,
because I think you're probably pretty excited
to see your cousins, huh?
Mommy's bankrupting Daddy in court.
Anne, this chicken sucks.
Enough! Enough, Lily.
You know what? Just, I need you to calm down, OK?
Eat your potatoes.
I really like the chicken, Anne.
I'd give you
two points.
So we're just throwing my points around now?
- So sweet. - Mm-hmm.
OK, so it's one, two, buckle my shoe.
Don't get caught with a queen, a jack, or a 2.
- Oh boy. - Say that 10 times fast.
And we opened the opening
bid of one million Canadian dollars to Lily.
The 4 of hearts.
- OK. - Lily, it's on you.
- Oh, nice job. - Alright.
She's already a pro. Look at her.
Here you go.
Oh, very good, 5 of clubs.
Ooh, OK, let's see.
I have...
- Oh. - You have to play
in your position once the cards are dealt.
But I want to sit next to Daddy.
Look, Lily, it actually is a rule. You have to sit there.
Yeah, these are rules. Sit down, sweetie.
'Cause we gotta go in the same order when it goes around.
Just sit down, and we'll sit together later.
It goes in a circle so, it'll get all messed up.
- Draw? Is that what I do? - You gotta go to the well.
Hey, have you guys heard about--
Please don't splash the pot.
Have you heard about Hot Stuff, the company that sends
those kind of big cookies right to your door?
Oh, I had salted caramel. It was so delicious.
We shouldn't get one of those, should we?
- Yes. - Yes, please.
It's the 10 of clubs.
Yeah, I'll go order. I'll order one.
Just gonna go to the well. You're still breaking the well.
- Is she OK? - Uh...
You know what? Just deal me out on this one, guys.
Sorry, I'll be right back.
Why was she crying?
Because I sat next to him.
That's weird.
I think I've changed my mind.
You are not crazy, they are crazy.
- That is-- - OK, I'm sorry,
but that kid would be a deal breaker for me.
- A hundred percent. Me too. - Max! Max.
She's, but, like, still.
This kid is gonna grow up to be a straight-up ax murderer.
Did you see the look in her eyes?
What's with the point system?
Is it bad?
It's very bad.
OK, you gotta say something.
You gotta stick up for yourself.
- Yeah. - But he says Lily loves me.
Oh! Oh, no, no.
- Lily definitively hates you. - Yeah.
No, he has to discipline her.
Yeah.
Listen, that stuff doesn't start with the kid.
It starts with the parents.
Yeah.
She needs to hear the word "no."
- No. - Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna get you home, OK?
Hey, how about this, I want you to hop in
and just buckle up, OK?
I'll be right there, alright?
- Is she OK? - No, yeah, she's fine.
She's just going through a lot. Sorry.
I want to sleep in the same bed.
I can't do that.
Well, your kid is
spoiled.
I'm sorry to say it, but she's a spoiled brat.
You think my kid is spoiled?
My friends thought she was rude.
Max said that?
Do you not even notice how rude she is?
Of course I do.
Of course I do, but it's not her fault.
It's my fault and it's her mother's fault.
So blame us, but don't blame her.
- I don't like it. - I don't like it either.
I can't stand it.
And I'm working on it.
I promise.
Because if we're gonna make this work, that is what,
that is what a normal happy family would do.
Yeah, the wife doesn't usually sleep in the kid's bed.
Oh.
Well, on that note...
I mean a girlfriend, a girlfriend.
Oh, OK.
How about I...
How about I call you later?
OK, you ready to go?
Let's get you home, alright?
Sweetheart, you gotta eat something.
Let's have a dance party.
I have a song I want to play.
OK.
Now? Sure.
Let's have a dance competition.
We don't have to compete. We can just have fun.
Yeah.
Did you know I go to hip-hop class?
Yes, you do.
Oh.
Oh, you're a good dancer.
Who's the better dancer, Daddy? You decide, me or Anne.
You're the best, Lily.
Oh, you are just the best dancer.
You're the best.
Oh, that's, uh...
OK.
Mommy says I need to learn how to shake my booty.
What?
Mommy says a woman has to learn to shake her booty
to get what she wants.
Mommy's getting a phone call.
This is fun.
Who's the better dancer, Daddy, me or Anne?
I said you are the best dancer, ever.
Oh.
Look at me, Daddy! Me, me, me!
Look at me!
Who's the better dancer, Daddy, me or Anne?
Lily, I said you are just the best dancer ever.
Mm!
Oh, that's, uh...
Um...
Hi.
How'd it go?
Oh, I never know.
Let's just pray that she stays down and we can hang out.
Listen, I am so sorry about earlier.
I really just wanted to focus on you.
Why didn't you?
I am now.
So hi.
Was that her?
- I don't know. - Did you hear that?
Hold on.
False alarm.
But maybe...
I should leave this open, and we don't have sex tonight, OK?
I'm sorry.
She could just probably call me at any time.
Sorry.
I know this is crazy. Come here.
- Daddy? - Huh? Hi.
What's up?
- What's going on? - I'm too small.
What?
Silly.
You love Anne more than me 'cause I'm little and she's big.
What are you talking about?
I can't get big fast enough.
Sweetheart, you know I love you so much.
You're my whole life.
Oh, baby girl, it's OK.
Your dad loves you the most, and he always will.
Who pays the rent? Who pays the mortgage?
Hi, hon.
Honey, you've got to take Clio back to rehab.
No.
Wait. Listen to me.
I need a big venue to expose my talent
to the most possible eyes.
After all the things that you have been saying
about us on your vlogs,
the least you can do is let me sing at your yoga festival.
It's a huge opportunity for me. I can't do that.
You have to take her back to Mountain View.
- No. - Do you want her to die?
No.
Then get your priorities straight!
Nothing's more important than family.
You walk out on your sister,
and God will punish you seven times over for your sins.
There she is.
Little miss crazy vlogger,
telling everyone
my personal shit.
- Clio! - I know!
She needs you.
Get in the car. Get in!
Listen, I could die any day now.
Are you sick?
No. But I have a very bad feeling about my health.
Can't you grant a mother her final dying wish?
Think about someone other than yourself?
Oh, I, I, I,
I know you're going to fix this for me.
Right?
What?
Hey!
I hate you! You always blame me for everything.
Well, I hate you too.
Do you feel bad about what happened?
What do you mean?
The wedding.
We were kids.
Why did you let me go outside to that guy's car?
He was Dad's friend.
You are my big sister.
You're supposed to protect me.
I was 10 years old.
Do you feel bad about what happened?
I feel bad.
I'm sorry. I feel really, really bad.
Now you know how I feel.
Blame him, not me.
No.
Yo, this is Steve.
I can't come to the phone, so leave a message.
Yo, yo, what's up?
Clio just, uh, blamed me
for that thing that happened when we were kids.
Wow.
OK. That's intense.
I know.
I'm sorry.
OK, come over. Let's hang out.
Do you think I'm a bad person?
You are definitively
not a bad person.
Really?
I don't like you when you're like this.
I don't want you to be alone.
Have you called Steve? Where is he?
He's doing whatever his daughter wants him to do,
because he doesn't know how to say no.
Oh, well...
who does that remind me of?
Who?
It reminds me of you.
What do you mean?
Anne, think about it.
Listen.
Tomorrow is a big day for you.
Focus on that. You're gonna kill it.
Thanks.
- Hey! - Ah!
Hi!
Aw!
I made signs. No big deal.
We support you.
- This is amazing. - It's so huge.
Back and front.
- You're such a dork - I know.
What is an anal healing massage, I wonder?
Oh, I don't know.
I wouldn't mind getting my anus massaged.
- I would do it. - Right?
- In a park? - Yeah.
Not in a park.
What? It's better that it's an a park.
- That's your problem? - It's weird in a park, yeah.
We keep a lot of tension in our buttholes.
That is a true fact. You know that, from... yoga.
Wait, take a picture, take a picture.
No, you don't want to keep talking about buttholes?
I would.
Get your sign up.
- Ah! - Hold up your sign.
Oh my god.
Oh, that last one was weird.
We're gonna get seats. We're getting seats.
- Oh! - Hey, Mom.
Evelyn and Marty are here.
And your father brought the virgin from his church group.
OK.
Well, let's get on stage, honey.
So you ever do yoga? It's kind of her jam.
Anne. This is Jehan.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
I connect brands with influencers,
and I hear you're an influencer.
- I guess. - Hmm.
Well, get it together.
Alright, thank you, Stephanie for showing us all
how to get in touch with our inner erotic creature.
Next up, we have our happiness expert.
Here she is, Anne Fitzgerald.
Hi.
I learned how to teach yoga because yoga makes me happy.
And I want to share my love of yoga
with everyone here today.
And now...
my mom has a special song to sing.
This is an original song that I wrote,
and I hope it helps all of you
get your yoga on.
You don't need a toga for yoga.
Alright, everybody get ready to be happy.
Surya Namaskar. Sun Salutation.
Arms over your head.
And jump back.
And Down Dog.
Mm. Deep, deep breaths.
The most important thing is your breath.
Really, really breathe.
Sometimes the people
who are supposed to make your life better,
- they really make it worse. - Clio, what are you doing?
- And in those moments-- - Just relax.
Focus on your breath.
Life is a gift, and it's our responsibility to enjoy it.
That's such bullshit.
Happiness is our natural state.
- Bullshit! - Clio!
That is such bull crap!
Give me a fucking break. Yoga sucks.
Punchilates is the new trend.
Fuck these yoga bitches!
Punchilates feels good!
Fuck you, yoga bitches!
Get off the stage. Get off.
No!
- Ow! - Clio!
Don't make a scene.
Don't touch me.
Oh! Ow!
Security!
Stop hitting yourself. Ow!
I'm looking at the patterns in my life,
the choices that I make.
I can see where those patterns come from.
I can see the people who are really there for me.
Maybe the only person I can change is myself.
I'm sorry about what happened to you,
but it was not my fault.
Clio, come on, that's enough. Come on.
I'm gonna teach the class myself from now on.
- This way. - No more music.
Are you OK? That was, uh, wild.
What should I do?
This is, uh, a shit show.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
Should I just get off the stage?
No!
No, you can turn this around right now.
- We can all do it with you. - OK, come on.
I'm in heals.
- Warrior II, everyone. - That's it.
Warrior II.
Warrior I.
I'm in heels.
Even when you feel like you're alone, you're not alone.
In life, it helps to be a warrior.
You can turn your day around at any moment.
It's the kind of publicity you can't buy, you know?
I feel like it's actually better this way,
because it shows, like, when the shit hits the fan,
you're able to pull it together.
- I thought it was- - Oh.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I had a situation with Lily.
I'm not OK.
Why? What happened?
You're a good guy.
OK.
But I don't feel like there's room for me here.
What do you mean?
I have to do what's right for me,
and maybe the timing isn't right.
I love you.
Maybe call me sometime.
Let's go home.
There's the endorsement guy.
Excuse me, Jehan.
Um, I meant to impress you with my class,
but I know it was weird.
I would love for you to come
under different circumstances sometime.
Yes! Gave him my card.
Casual. Casual sign holding.
Can I get a ride home? Do you have room for me?
- We always have room for you. - Of course.
- Of course.
I mean, we'll strap you to the roof, obviously.
She's driving 'cause I'm hammered.
- Alright, shotgun! - Oh, hey.
And guess what CD we just got.
- What? - You're gonna love it.
It goes like this.
Morning.
Hi, hun.
- Mom. - Yes?
I can't help you with your career.
You're being selfish, honey.
I'm gonna focus on myself.
Call Father Peter. Go to confession.
No.
I love you guys. I'll see you Friday.
I only have broccoli
and a half eaten carton of ice cream in my fridge.
I don't know what you should do, but I'm rooting for you.
I love you. Good luck.
It's easy to blame other people
when things go wrong.
But I have to ask myself, what's my part?
The most important thing is not what sucks in life,
but what's good.
Warrior II.
So I decided to be grateful for all the good things,
and there's a lot of good things.
I do have a loving family, and I have a great life.
Well, I may have lost a contractor,
but I gained a pretty great fried chicken recipe.
This is better than Steve's.
- Right? - Seriously.
This might get you the Michelin Star, babe.
Oh yeah, baby.
Well, the thing underneath.
I know we're not related, but you're my Chosen Family.
- We love you. - Oh.
Aw.
Sweetie.
Oh, we do love you.
Oh.
Cheers to that.
That was very sweet.
But we don't have to stop and, like, hug or something.
We can keep eating chicken?
Later. I'd like a hug later.
I'll set my alarm for 20 minutes from now.
OK, perfect.
If everybody could just Venmo me.
$8.12?
There's a lot of fees, so.
Great idea.
Like $9 in fees.
will you remind us that the alarm is set
for us to all hug?
- Yeah. - 8.12?
I feel like you're the only one
with a good memory here.
Is that what you think this would cost? $8?
Happy birthday!
- Woo! - Yay!
Don't catch on fire.
Woo!
OK.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Ready?
No, no, no!
Yes!
- Alright, everyone. - Yeah, this is so fun!
Alright, can I cut into this?
- Yeah. - Yes.
- With what? - How does this work?
OK, I got a knife.
Wait, wait, I don't know what to do with this thing.
Watch out.
- Watch out! - Watch out!
Oh!
It works.
Alright, who wants cake? Watch out!
Oh, she drops it.
Alright.
- Alright, crank it up. - Yes!
That's too big.
Oh my god, yes.
We have to eat it, so of course.
Don't just wipe it down.
Come on, I have to shake it out.
Can I have a fork?
Please wait for me now.
Wait, wait. Alright, alright.
Here we go. In three, two, one.
Woo!
- Alright. - Woo!
Was that from me rubbing on you?
Did you finally get the butt implant?
- Yeah. - Oh.
You know, she's really hard.
- Hey, guys. - Oh my god.
I've got a confession. I'm super allergic to chocolate.
Don't worry about it. I'm probably gonna be fine.
We love you, but-
It's gonna be fine.
OK. Are you serious?
I'm going into anaphylactic shock.
- Don't die. - I'm not gonna die.
- Don't die. - I'm not.
Listen, if one of us has to go,
we all agree it's gonna be Max.