It's you!
Why not roll out an entire campaign?
With the both of you!
It's better than the plan!
It is real, it is raw, it is clickable.
When I was married, I had an affair with the neighbour next door.
What was that?
The high life is me translating dirty talk
for some horny Spanish wunderkind.
Clearly a slice of sadness to this wedding.
Her and Abe are absolutely perfect together.
- You wouldn't believe. - Then why is she crying?
I miss you. I thought about you all the time.
You're not good for me.
And, um, because of that,
I think it's probably best that we just see each other around.
And you know I'll do anything to make you happy.
I need you to sell the house.
I don't think I can do that.
Let's talk wedding venues.
I thought we agreed on the hotel in Dorset?
Ah, yes, so turns out it was already booked by our #sickbride
in cancer remission.
Understandably, it was a light pencil.
How do we feel about castles?
- Oh! - There's one here with a functioning moat
and a Red Bull sponsorship.
Does it have a lift?
Mmm!
- We will look into that. - Yes.
Yeah. OK, moving on...
Hen do!
We're thinking immersive, live-streamed,
head-mounted GoPro -
you bring the viewer with you!
But isn't it a spa day?
I mean, massages, robes, bit of tequila...?
We are three months away from the wedding.
We need to ramp it up!
- And put ramps everywhere! For you! - LAUGHTER
So our goal is to break one mil by the end of the honeymoon.
We're in the room right next door, aren't we, Olivia?
- Yassu! - Yassu!
Now, do you mind if I take a quick boomerang
of you having one of these lovely biccies?
That's brilliant.
Oh, good - a hard launch for toast?
Maybe you should tag the eggs?
Well, I'm just keeping up with the brief.
But, er, message received.
No, no, let's commit.
Give the people what they really want -
gritty disabled realism!
- Huh? - OK.
No, no, post a reel of you and Ty - deadlifting me into the shower.
- Freya... - ...or a house tour!
Yeah?
"Here's where I can't reach anything.
"Here's the ramp that wants me dead.
"Here's upstairs...
"Oh, I've never been!"
I hear you!
You could have an entire third family up there
and I wouldn't even know it.
I'm going to talk to Jane about further renovations, OK?
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Yes, obviously.
Renewal, resurgence, rebirth -
like a caterpillar from a cocoon.
Except it's not a cocoon - it's a womb.
Your womb.
You are emerging from yourself.
Yeah, I can cut you some hand slits -
but only if you feel ready to receive them.
Right, and... and this is definitely the fabric?
It does look a little like she's been excreted.
Well, technically it's a transitional membrane
designed for hibernating zoo snakes -
but, yes.
And, um, how does she go backwards in this thing?
Is it a series of three-point turns or...?
Why would anyone want to go backwards in this life?
Bean, it really is so...
...creative.
I just don't know if it's giving me "wedding dress".
You hate it?
Oh...
That means it's working.
Are you scared of the dress's disruptive potential,
or your own?
Ooh...!
I'm sorry,
I-I just...
I just don't know if it's THE dress.
It's not THE dress -
because there is no dress.
There is just evolution,
transition and expansion,
gestation and expulsion.
That is marriage.
FINGER CLICK Mm!
- Yes. - Mm.
Yeah, I think it's some of my finest work.
What did he say?
Er, he said that he wants to feel your wet bikini bottoms -
but, like, not wet from the pool.
- What? - Er, yeah, I know.
It's a bit convoluted.
Right, well, tell him he needs to make them wet, then.
What did he say?
- Jo? - Er, sorry, that he wants you to stand on his face, or something.
Did he?
Well, tell him I'll dominate him all night long
and I won't stop until he begs me.
Jo? Jo, que?
Um...
- Pegging? - Pegging.
Just ask Alexa.
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it!
- No means no, Jo. - I'm here for Freya.
Hen stuff.
Hmm!
Actually, do you have a minute?
Can we talk, like, privately?
Like, in your room?
No...
Better with witnesses. Less chance of an emotional drive-by.
Is that my shirt?
No, this is just a common men's shirt.
From shirts.com.
Fine.
I'll be out of your hair soon anyway.
I'm moving to New York.
Er, yeah.
A couple of months ago, whilst I was drunk and on antibiotics,
I supposedly...
...applied for this writing programme in New York,
and I got in. And, um, yeah, it's...
It's kind of legit, so...
Yeah, you know, there's not much keeping me here, so maybe...
Maybe it's time for a change.
Well, thank you for the big press release.
And now, if you don't mind,
I'm actually preparing for a job interview.
Good luck telling Freya that you're abandoning her again.
Jo? The Livs are almost here!
Hey, you party-ready?
She Drives Me Crazy by Fine Young Cannibals
GIGGLING Oh, here we are, ladies!
This is it!
Pool reveal!
Perfect for posting, ladies.
I am into this deranged gingerbread house vibe.
Whoo!
Love this!
Love the gargoyles.
- I know! - Very Snow White chic.
♪ She drives me crazy
♪ Ooh-ooh
♪ Like no-one else
♪ Ooh-ooh
♪ She drives me crazy
♪ And I can't help myself... ♪
Who are these people?
These are your hens!
It's a smorgasbord of our amazing clients.
Of course. Yeah.
Are we supposed to wearing those?
Yes, we are, darling.
Mm-hm. Bought them from Vinted.
Thought it'd be gay to wear them.
Gay as in fun.
- We're bringing it back. - Is that blood?
Yes.
Yes, it is.
Oh.
It's a little early to be drinking, isn't it?
Why are they here?
Please get them out of my house.
Ah, you see, in my defence, it is OUR house
and I would like to store my books in my section of our attic.
- OK? - All right.
I'm just sorry they're not selling.
Oh, they are selling.
They're flying off the shelves.
They're talking about doing a second print run
with all the five-star reviews
and a sex positive foreword by Gillian Anderson.
Happy you're getting the recognition you deserve.
I'm just sampling wines for the wedding.
Uh-huh. Listen, I...
I genuinely had no idea you were going to take this that badly.
Not taking it anything.
I'm taking it like an absolute stud.
- Are you? - Yeah.
I was just drafting my own memoir in my head.
Think I'm going to call it, um,
Why the Flying Fuck Didn't I Divorce Her Sooner?
Or something.
Guaranteed best-seller.
And we are live, girlies!
And we have 23 brave, beautiful viewers already!
- Ooh! - Yes.
Well, let's crack on with the games, I reckon!
- Yeah. - These hens, they're not free-range.
They're on hourly rates!
Wait, they're being paid to be here?
As PA of honour,
aka Party Architect...
CHEERING Yeah! Come on!
...OK, I'd like to introduce our very first game!
It's called Mr and Mrs,
and it is the ultimate compatibility quiz!
All right? Jo, would you like to do the honours?
Er, OK.
Um, who is Abe's celebrity crush?
- Ooh! - Um, Emily Blunt?
Emily Blunt?!
- Shall we find out? - Yes.
Hello, ladies!
Right, celebrity crush?
I'm going to say...
- ...it's Nigella Lawson. - Ah!
Especially the Christmas special
when she basted that turkey.
- That was... - Whoo!
...hypnotic.
That was wrong, Freya!
So, actually, you know what you need to do?
- Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! - You need to have one of these!
CHEERING
Who said "I love you" first?
Oh, OK, that one's easy.
Yeah, him, 100%.
Oh, it was magical.
Couldn't stop looking at her.
And then she said those three little words, "I love you."
Aw!
It's another wrong answer, Freya,
so, er, buckle up.
Whoo!
Do you even know this dude?
CROSSTALK
I mean, it's really not fair.
Have you even read my book?
Oh, have you written a book?
Cos in the end, if you get to the last chapter,
I say I actually really loved our marriage.
So much talk of marriage.
Can't stop writing about it, can't stop talking about it.
- Is you an ickle bit jealous? - Fuck off! Fuck...!
Right, you couldn't pay me to be in a committed relationship right now.
There's just so much compromise, isn't there?
I mean, look at you. Who even are you?
You hate rose!
Turns out it just has to be good rose.
I don't believe you.
- If you're going to be this... - Right, right, right.
- ...pig-headed about everything... - OK, what is going on?
- Hi. - All of this yelling while I'm trying to have a wank
is giving me weird childhood flashbacks, all right?
So I'm going to need you to tone it down
if I'm going to stand any chance of getting anything done up there.
Sorry.
- Mm, that is quite good, actually. - I know, right?
Wait, sorry, why are you day drinking?
Because your father is trying to squeeze himself
into this new life one drink at a time.
OK, well, that's weird.
Don't make a habit out of it, either of you.
Well, if you are going to do another lap around the marital track...
- Marriage again? - ...might I give you some notes?
Ooh, OK, this is actually far more interesting
than the porn I was watching, so I'm going to grab a pew.
This time, maybe don't cry quite so much during the vows.
I mean, it's not that it wasn't tremendously touching -
it was - but people really just want to go for a piss
and have a glass of prosecco.
Really don't need wedding day notes,
especially not from the woman who insisted on choreographing
our ridiculous first dance.
Ridiculous?!
Close To Me by The Cure
- Ah, remember! - Ooh!
Actual post traumatic dance disorder.
This is before anyone else did it, right.
Sure...
- Wow. - Mum's already going. Feeling limber, Dad?
OK.
So this was professionally choreographed, was it?
LAUGHTER OK!
- You keep saying OK. - Yeah!
Oh, and round.
One, two.
- Oh! - Whoa!
You always used to trip me there,
- every single time. - I do remember that.
- This is nice, isn't it?
Look at you. It's almost like Lindsay Lohan was right
to Parent Trap hers back together.
Back together? Sorry, have you not read my chapter on bonobos?
Yeah, I'm waiting for the audio book.
No, I think we're both perfectly happy with where we are now.
Absolutely.
Really? What, you're OK that Sam's death,
you know, broke things between you?
Well, I think it's a little bit more complex than that.
But, er, yeah,
sometimes life throws more storm at you than you're prepared for.
And I think we wish we'd weathered it differently,
but we accept the wreckage.
I mean, it has a kind of charm.
Oh, Bug.
If you learn anything from us,
don't let life's mess get in the way of what really matters.
Yeah, you've got to embrace the mess.
Actually, um, did I say that I had...?
That there was...? That I had...?
Bye!
One more time?
Fuck no.
Tell us about losing your V-card.
- Ooh! - Yes!
Why don't we take a little quick break?
Like a little cig or...?
Come on, at least tell us the age!
Got hundreds of followers now - they want deets!
- They want positions! - Oh, yeah!
WHOOPING Freya, you don't have to.
- - Cherry bomb! Cherry bomb!
- Seriously, you don't have to.
Cherry bomb! Cherry bomb!
Fine! Sure, yeah. WHOOPING
Er, it was just before my 16th birthday.
I was ridiculously in love.
- Aw! - Everyone thought we were going to be together forever.
Um...
And then I had my accident
and became tetraplegic,
and then I went into rehab for a year
to relearn everything that I knew about my body
and, er, the world.
And then, one night,
he snuck into rehab and we had sex.
It wasn't really the first time I imagined.
But we were in love.
Aw!
And then he never called me again.
Ahem.
MUSIC PLAYS KLAXON SOUNDS
Is it 6pm already? Oh!
Well, put your hands together for...
Crip-Tease Dan!
WHOOPING
CHEERING
SQUEALING Run me over, king!
You want to add him on social?
- How extraordinary. - That's fun.
I'm fussing. I'm hot.
LATCH CLICKS This fucking door!
Jo! Jo, sh!
Jesus Christ! Are you crazy?
Yes, crazy is my brand. Come on.
You can't be here.
Don't go to New York.
Whoa! Whoa!
Stop! Stop!
Stop it!
Sorry, Crip-Tease Dan. Full respect.
I can't do this.
Look, I'm tired of being scheduled and sponsored and streamed.
I've had enough, you know?
And I... And I can't ignore the fact that I'm completely incompatible
with my fiance.
You know what I want to do?
Yeah, I want to go swimming.
Yeah, but I can't because I'm terrified of fucking water
since I became disabled.
Is that the content you want?
Huh? Because this whole hen do and sponsored wedding
is so fucking lame.
SHOCKED GASPS Ooh, no!
What? OK, I'm confused.
I want to do it all with you.
Especially the mess.
Mess?
OK, now I'm getting mixed signals. I...
LATCH CLICKS Fuck!
- Jesus. - Jo, are you there?
Jo?
Jo, I need to talk to you.
This is definitely the best one.
- Oh. - Jane. - Fuck.
- Maybe it was that one. - Jane?!
- What? - I'm ready.
To sell the house.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
OK.
And I want to say sorry for holding on.
I think I just needed to, you know...
...let go in stages.
Yeah, I mean, it's funny.
I mean, I've been waiting for this moment for years -
but now it's actually here, I feel a bit...
We will always be family.
- Do you want me to get off? - Yeah, can you...? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
You know, and I really honestly couldn't be more happy
- for you and Freya. - I know.
To the future.
To my sequel, ballsack.
I need to pee and I need to say this.
I think maybe, actually, I've just been scared
that I wouldn't find anyone else.
Which is essentially internalised ableism, right,
and probably not the best reason to be getting married?
Maybe we should talk somewhere else?
I hate how everyone acts
like I'm so lucky to have him, you know?
Like, it's infantilising.
I don't need to be taken care of!
Right? I want to fuck in Paris!
Freya. Freya, as your PA of Honour,
I've watched you and Abe very closely -
and that's love, man.
Also, if you ever need a surrogate, I do sincerely hope it's me.
Oh, too far, Ty.
Fair enough. THEY STRAIN
Oh, my God!
I need to talk to Abe.
Yeah, I have to tell him to come here.
What, here? Now?
Yeah, here, now.
OK, er...
The condom company...
- Yeah? - ...pulled out. For God's sake.
Well, of course they were going to pull out. Not like that.
But do you know what I mean?
I think I'm going to have a panic attack.
Absolute nightmare.
Oh, Olivia, Olyvya?
I think I've finally found my voice.
Well, no, you're not finding your voice, darling,
because our sponsors have pulled out, haven't they?
In your impassioned speech...
But I was just being honest.
Mmm. You called the entire sponsored wedding "lame".
"Lame" - on camera.
The online disabled community,
they are currently dragging you for being grossly ableist.
You're trending.
In a bad way.
They're dragging your ass. You're cancelled.
- Rip. - RIP, she means.
Just fuck. I never say that.
- I never say that. - Yes, well, you did say it, didn't you?
Yeah, you did. You did. You said it, didn't you? Yeah.
So we have to send a big fat apology.
- Yeah. - We've got to livestream it, yeah?
- A big donation. Children In Need, we're thinking. - Yeah.
- Pudsey Bear. - Might work. - Yeah.
Suck on that. You're going to need it.
OK, Levi...
Gosh, these women-only identifying spaces are incredible!
- I mean, the healing! - Levi!
- Sorry, sorry. - I love you, too.
Um...
I just feel like maybe we're not good for each other.
Maybe we're...
Maybe we're too fucked up.
Yes, maybe.
But also, maybe, what if we are the type of fucked up that fits?
Because every time I'm with you, I feel a little bit less broken.
And I also feel consistently turned on.
I'm just trying to get my life together,
and I need someone that can...
T-That you can rely on.
Yeah, exactly. Me, too.
We both need each other.
So, er, why don't you, just for once,
please, please just stay?
Did I just see Ty straddling a half-naked man
using a wheelchair?
I thought this was a spa day!
Abe, I need to say something - and I just need you to listen.
OK?
OK.
We lost the sponsorship.
I accidentally said the L world on livestream.
What? Lesbian?
Not quite.
But the Olivias think that they can fix it.
OK, good.
I just don't know if I do want to fix it, Abe.
I'm so tired of saying yes to everything.
To...
That I have to be grateful for every single opportunity,
just because I'm a wheelchair user.
I want to fuck in Paris.
With you.
OK.
Unexpected turn, not unwelcome.
But I think maybe this wedding's just happening too fast.
Mm.
I'm more than happy to postpone it.
Certainly happy to lose the sponsorship, you know?
I just want to marry you.
Properly.
I told Jane I was ready to sell the house.
What, really?
Yeah.
Thought we could find ourselves a nice little new-build.
You know? Fully accessible.
You wouldn't have to worry about anything.
I just want to take care of you.
But I don't want that.
Actually, I think...
...maybe I just need a bit of time?
Yeah. Well, we'll...
We'll postpone.
Time from us.
Sorry, that's not what I was expecting to say.
I-I love you. I love you so much.
It's just been a really weird time and, er, I don't know...
It's OK. It's OK.
I'm sorry.
- I'm so... - You take your time.
It'll be OK.
Freya?
Freya! Hey!
Hey! Here you are.
Are you OK?
I think I just broke up with Abe.
Shit. I'm so sorry.
How did he take it?
Mature and lovingly, which made it even worse.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, listen, I'm here.
Don't worry.
We got this.
Together.
Oh, please.
I never needed you.
That's gross.
Not even a little.
Good.
Cos I definitely don't need you.
Can I get your help with something?
Yeah.
♪ This European air, I swear it does
♪ Randomly I'm grateful for
♪ Grateful for a night
♪ Solemn night walker
♪ Concrete over water
♪ I think you remind me of the night
♪ But also of the day
♪ I think of Italy, champagne
♪ I think of Spain
♪ I wanna be there
♪ I want more than my head... ♪