Lads! One-two!
So, like, I've had a think of how I can bury me face,
in your ma's arse, but we still move on together
with our relationship. Lad, it's too early for this.
No, exposure therapy to overcome your fears.
I'll come round for tea and I'll sit opposite you,
then I'll eat some tea, then put my face in your ma's arse,
eat tea, face in arse, eat tea, face in arse.
I'm gonna record you saying this one day and send it to her.
You'd shit yourself.
Do it! Be good to float the idea to her.
Seriously, though, how long would you be pissed off at me for?
Or does it depend how long I'm in there for?
I suppose if you had your head in me ma's arse for like a week straight,
I'd be more pissed off, like, yeah.
Lad, I'd eat a chicken dipper out your ma's arse.
Honestly, I would, cos if your ma said to me, "Come round for tea.
"You can have these chicken dippers, only if you eat them out me arse",
I'd not only do it, I'd prefer it served that way.
SCOFFS
Ah, there youse are, lads. All right, boys.
Can I ask youse two something?
Right, when a lad goes out with a girl to dinner,
he usually pays, right?
So when you two go out, who pays, because youse are both lads?
Should I tell him?
Yeah. Go on, it's time.
Connor, every time we go out,
we each take in turns to wear a bra under our shirt.
That's how we know who's paying. Mm-hmm.
GASPS I didn't know that.
Eh, Thomas!
I've got an idea for an app that is gonna shit all over yours.
It's called ScrApp.
For like-minded people who wanna meet up for a daily scrap.
Lewis Connolly, soon to be the face of Universal Credit,
treats women like they're shit and says,
"I'm not racist, me, lads,
"cos I got three DVDs of that Morgan Freeman fella."
Keep chatting wham, lad, with your little astrology dating app.
All that Mars and Venus shite, lad, it's a load of bollocks.
It's a shame that you think that,
cos I saw Aimee's profile on there last night, and you two...
you're perfectly matched.
Really, lad?
No! Because even Mars and Venus know that you're a piece of shit
Aimee's far too good for!
LAUGHTER Oh, you've been told there, lad.
You whopper!
Tom is well funny, you know?
OK, lad? Get off!
Cor, I'm raging with Ziad! Why?
Do you know the special thing he had planned
was a scrapbook of our first weeks together with, like,
photies and tickets from stuff we did.
That sounds amazing.
Well, no, it's not, cos there was a photie missing -
the one of us shagging!
Still, it's really thoughtful, though, innit?
It's not THAT thoughtful, girl!
I mean, I've got the photies on me phone, I don't need them in a book.
And he chose all the worst ones of us.
And the tickets? I mean, I can't even use 'em again,
so what's the point in that?!
You didn't say this to him, did you? Nah.
I just pretended it was cute, but like, all I was thinking
was why doesn't he wanna have sex with me? Like...
...what if... he doesn't find me fit?
Can't be that.
Argh! What is Rory slide tackling in the playground for?
Move! Could've ended me career!
Let it go, lad, it was a good challenge.
What d'you mean? Nah, nah, nah. Next time I see him,
I'm gonna kill him!
With... with forgiveness.
Cos Islam teaches us the art of forgiveness
to all that have wronged us.
Oh... Ella Grace.
I am honoured that you trusted me with this, Mo.
I know it means so much to you.
And thank you for facilitating my growth.
Abdullah.
Ah...
CHUCKLING
Are you still pretending to be religious? Shh!
You haven't got a chance with her, mate!
What's next, lad? Taking her to the promised land, are you?
Pilgrimage to Mecca? Eh?
You never know, you might get to hold her hand, then, Mo.
Mm-mm-mm... Had you all whipped.
MESSAGE ALERT Shut up, lad!
♪ Will we ever be Like the way we used to be
♪ Or have we lost ourselves?
♪ Thought I knew you... ♪
Oh! Glad I bumped into you.
Um, yesterday at Romeo And Juliet rehearsals
during the romantic scene,
I kind of felt like you got a bit TOO into it.
Try to remember...
WHISPERS: ..we're acting.
Sorry, you're right, but our faces get so close
and that gigantic spot you had on your nose was just too seducing.
To be fair, same here with your Scouse accent
butchering Shakespeare.
Ooh, it's just too alluring.
Only one thing to do, then. Ella Grace?
Christopher and I are having trouble navigating our creative relationship
during rehearsals due to some of the intimate content.
Do you think you could help guide us through our issues?
I... Yes.
We want to reach a point where a structure is in place
that allows us to unleash our best performance
in an environment that feels safe and comfortable.
WHIMPERS
Are you all right?
Ooh. It's just so inspiring
that you're collectively thinking about this.
Guys, sorry, I mean folks,
I will be your intimacy coordinator. Mm-hmm. Mm.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God, she believed us!
See you later.
Oh!
I'm back with a bang, lad!
The bang being the kid I dropped on me way in with a lazy jab.
I heard Meachy got about 20 emails saying,
"Announce Lewis's return, lad."
Were they all from Kieron? Maybe.
But listen, I had some time to do some real soul searching
when I was away. And I realised...
...my soul's a natural born lunatic,
so I found your Insta, got a pic of your fat sponge 'ead
and put it on me dart board.
Why am I in black and white?
Printer's out of colour, wasn't an artistic choice!
Shouldn't there be a dart in it? I lost me darts, lad!
EXHALES CALMLY
The point is, stay away from her, or I'll cripple you.
I wonder what the surprise is?
Maybe he's taking you in a private jet
to a posh restaurant in Paris! Nah!
I reckon he's bought you LFC!
Put me on the wing, I'm a whippet, lad!
Oh. My. God! It gets even better!
THEY ALL EXCLAIM
That's a '23 plate.
Imagine if we had a car.
The birds would be all over us. We could drive them into town!
We could take the birds to t'pictures!
We could go Maccies drive thru!
With the birds, obviously.
You're a lucky bastard, you, Ted! I wanna Thomas!
Go 'ead, Ted!
He's so lucky, you know?
I didn't even know these were here. What are they?
One hundred human figures.
Me grandad would take me here sometimes when I was a kid.
He believed that the statues represent life,
and the sea is death.
That's why each figure stands further out towards the sea,
as we're all at different stages of our life.
And that's why in between, we have to be bold, take chances,
because one day, you will be the last statue.
And you don't wanna look back at your past selves and think,
"I wasn't brave enough, or bold enough."
And now, I come here on me own.
As me grandad DID become the last statue.
TUTS
He slowly faded away.
Just like the image I have of him in me 'ead.
But you know what didn't fade away?
What he taught me. That's why I did my app!
Because I've always believed in astrology
and how there's a soulmate out there for all of us.
Do you believe in soulmates?
Yes! Don't you?
There HAS to be a reason this universe exists. Just look!
It's just too deliberate, too beautifully orchestrated.
Maybe... it's to experience love.
It's amazing you got all them inspirations from these statues.
I just interpreted them as
"normalise getting your arse out at the beach".
THEY CHUCKLE Ted, I love your sense of humour.
But don't use it as an escape just because you're feeling anxious.
Be present, Ted.
CHUCKLING
As-salamu alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu.
Al-hamdu lillahi rabbil 'alamin. CRUNCHING
Want one, lad?
No, thanks.
Can you please let me do my dua?
Sorry. Sorry, yeah. Go 'ead.
As-salamu alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu.
As-salamu alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu. Al-hamdu lillah...
CRUNCHING
So how's it going with Mia-Louise? It's fine.
I bet you're getting it every night, lad.
You know, it's none of your business, actually.
Oh, my God. That means you're getting nothing!
Sorry, do you not realise how disrespectful you're being
right now? Yeah. Sorry, sorry.
Can you not get it up, or something? What?
You know... No.
Oh. I want to wait until marriage.
Are you MAD? I must be.
Look, I want to, so much, but I care about my religion,
and I want to be dedicated to my faith.
But she is proper fit.
You think I don't know that? I have the exact same desires as you,
Mohammed, OK? Sometimes I think I'm doing the wrong thing.
Like, what if she thinks I'm a crazy religious person
and she wants to end the relationship?
I get it. I wish The Brimble was more like Mia-Louise.
I'm getting nothing.
You know, she's actually probably the type of girl
that appreciates the mental strength it takes to abstain
and overcome the needs of the body.
You reckon?
GASPING
Come 'ead.
BOTH RECITE IN ARABIC
Do you mind if I join?
It would be an honour to strengthen my connection
to your beautiful faith. Yeah, course.
Here, move.
Am I OK to repeat what you guys say?
Yes! Of course. Actually, it's a great idea. Yes.
But in Islam, a man and woman cannot pray together,
but that's OK. It's OK. I will teach you something,
and you repeat after me. OK? You ready?
SPEAKS IN ARABIC
IN ARABIC:
Wow. Bravo. Well, like, you're amazing. We will say it together?
Lad. Yeah! Come on.
We're like family here, yes? You know, it's OK.
Yeah. Family. One, two, three...
IN ARABIC:
Wow. Well, very good. You are a natural, you know?
Ted, come on. Isn't it a bit soon for us
to be going to some five-star spa resort together?
Ah... shut up.
I wanted to bring you here,
because like you said the beach shaped you,
round here shaped me.
I decided from a young age that I wasn't gonna let any little knob 'ed
from round here not let me be who I wanted to be.
Ask Liam Hughes. He kicked off, thinkin' I was a soft touch.
What kind of violent, Neanderthal thug am I seeing?
Ah, don't worry.
There weren't any lasting effects from the beating I gave Liam.
All right, Liam!
Oh, my God, I'm joking! That's Smigger!
Oh... Such a wind-up!
All right, Smig? They're hopeful you'll be outta that in a year!
Another one that got cheeky, though.
Oh, my God, I'm joking!
CHUCKLING
No, to be honest, Thomas, I have to be in control.
I don't let anyone in me head, but...
you have... a little bit.
Right scary, but it's exciting as well.
Exactly. What's the point of being in control all the time?
It's so boring.
Not being in control...
...that's where the beautiful chaos happens.
GASPS
What you doing?! Have a little spin.
Don't mind us! Chaos coming through!
♪ This place is where I'm from
♪ Familiar faces And the accent's like a song... ♪
LAUGHING LOUDLY
Why is he laughing so much?
It's a bit flirty, that, innit?
Read the top one. "I'm going down the hozzy, me lad."
That means you're going to the hospital. The hospital?
I'm still learning. OK. One more, one more. OK.
"An absolute belter of a lad." LAUGHTER
Ah, I say good?
Oh, my God! Why is he taking Thomas's phone?
Is he giving him his number?
This means to, like, avoid someone or something.
OK. OK?
All right. Ready? Ready, OK. Go!
"I'm swerving my bird tonight".
SHE GASPS
Did you just hear that? He's swerving me tonight for Thomas!
Aims, it all makes sense why he doesn't wanna have sex with me.
My Ziad's one of those proper fit gays.
He's not gay.
A healthy, consent-driven environment is paramount
to ensuring actors reach their creative potential.
Actors are storytellers, but I am also a storyteller.
And my story ends with established boundaries.
See, that's my concern.
I don't wanna overstep any boundaries.
Like, am I allowed to hug him?
If you both feel comfortable with that, and, more importantly,
you communicate that to each other.
So, during the hug, can I have a slight squeeze of her arse
if I feel it suits the character?
How would you feel about that, Aimee?
Comfortable.
Well, then, you've established a secure space
which allows that to happen.
So, if we both feel comfortable with me tickling his balls,
can we do it?
Ooh, erm... If you've established boundaries
and the ball tickling falls within those boundaries, then yeah.
So as long as we're both comfortable,
we can really do all of that, even if it's not in the script?
Yeah, as long as it...
So, I could wank him off?
Then I could finish on her tits?
I could wear a strap-on and peg his arsehole on stage?
Well, yeah... Look, let's leave it there.
Sometimes it's better to take
a step back from communication to um, reflect.
THEY LAUGH
See you later. Oh!
Put some respect on me name, lad! I told you to stay away from her.
I can't. We're acting together. She's Juliet, I'm Romeo.
Then do the scenes separately on a green screen
and edit it together in post-production!
This is a play, not a movie.
Always with the smart arse answers, lad.
You've left me no choice.
There's a storm comin' for Aimee.
MIMICS STORMY WIND
Stay indoors, lad!
You don't wanna get caught in Storm Lewis.
HE LAUGHS NASTILY
Unless I tell you to come out, cos I'm gonna smash your head in.
TEXT ALERT
GASPS
Did you hear that?
False alarm.
THEY LAUGH
HEAVY BREATHING
♪ One love
♪ One life... ♪
PANTING
♪ When it's one need In the night... ♪
MOANING
PANTING AND MOANING
Ted?
Sorry I didn't reply to your text before.
Do you wanna come over to mine instead, though?
I've got a free house, so we're alone then.
I've got homework to sort out.
Well, just come after your homework. I've been missing you today.
I heard you in the toilets.
Are you following me?
No. I was in the cubicle next to you,
but I probably would have heard you from the fucking gym!
Why are you getting angry, Ted? You're embarrassing yourself.
Yeah, but I thought... Yeah, but thought... what?
You thought that I like you?
I do, I really like you, and I wanna see where this goes,
but at the same time, I don't wanna be tied down.
I'm exploring ethical non-monogamy.
I thought you believed in soulmates.
I do. One day, but right now...
I just wanna have fun, Ted.
What do you mean by that?
Look, I understand that this is your first relationship,
but you need to let me know if you can handle this.
Mia-Louise! Mia-Louise!
Please, please, please...
Why didn't you reply to me last night?
Cos Ziad, I know why you don't wanna have sex with me.
OK, look, I'm sorry. I was going to tell you.
I thought it would change things.
It's a game changer, Ziad.
Maybe if we get married, things will be different.
That's not how marriage works.
So, you don't want to be with me any more?
Well, do you wanna be with me?
Of course I do! Look, it's just sex. It doesn't change our connection.
Wait, so we're together,
but then you just leave to go and do that sometimes?
Leave?
You wanna do it in front of me? Do what in front of you?
Shag guys!
Cos you're into fellas!
No, I'm not.
Then why don't you wanna have sex with me?
Because I... Cos what?
Because I want to wait until marriage.
Oh! Oh, my God. Well, thank God for that!
OK, so you don't think I'm a crazy religious person?
Nah, nah. I'm just made up you're not into fellas.
OK, good, because... Mia-Louise, I want to go on a journey with you
that elevates above the physical,
that explores meanings that are deeper and more everlasting,
that can bind us together as one eternal soul.
HE MUTTERS
And we can do some fingering.
No, I can't do any sexual activity, Mia-Louise.
What about, like, oral stuff? No. I can't do anything.
SHE GASPS
Dry-humping!
Te-ed.
You OK?
I've never seen you cry before, lad.
TED SNIFFS
Thomas just dump you?
Oh... I called it, you know?
I said to the others, he's way outta your league.
He didn't dump me.
Then what's up?
He wants to see me, but see other people, too.
Isn't that what all gays do?
No.
Well, not everyone.
I'm not sure that's what I want.
I understand, lad. I'm onto something similar meself.
What d'you mean?
Reece's ma.
I have these special moments with her when I go round for tea.
I tell her that her corn beef hash is stunning,
then she gives me that smile. Hm!
Then I have to leave, and it kills me,
cos I wanna see that smile every second of every day.
And then the questions I'm left wrestling with are...
"Am I OK with just living off these special moments?"
"Am I OK with not being all in?"
SIGHS
So... you bummed him yet, like?
TUTS
♪ I know that I'm your homie
♪ I ain't just gonna let that go
♪ Don't think that you can call me
♪ Because you're feeling lonely. ♪
Ommmmmmmm...
and finished!
Oh. That was short.
Yeah. This Islamic meditation's a very quick one.
I mainly use it to strengthen me mind to help with fasting, you know?
And me abstinence from sex.
You abstain from sex? Yeah.
Until marriage.
It's easy to give in to basic physical needs,
but my brain's different.
It needs to be constantly challenged.
You must be so mentally strong, Mo.
Yeah. With great power comes great responsibility.
I feel embarrassed.
What? No, no, no, don't be embarrassed.
You can tell me how you feel about me.
I feel embarrassed because I've been waiting for you to make a move
and that was never gonna happen, which obviously I respect.
Waiting for ME to make a move?
You have changed me so much spiritually, Mo,
and I've grown to really like you, but I am a very sexual person,
who needs her mind and body stimulated equally.
But, Grace, er...
I've been meaning to tell you this, but...
...I'm not actually a practising Muslim.
Mo, don't change yourself for me.
I respect your religion. No...
But I don't think I can be with you knowing it won't turn sexual.
No, I'm serious... Goodbye, Mo.
I'm serious!
Ella-Grace!
SIGHS
GROANS
Thomas, I brought you back to my area to show you some statues
that will make you better understand me.
RUSTLING
You asked me if I was ready for an ethical non-monogamous relationship.
And now I know the answer. You see, I've always been the tough guy.
Liam Hughes will tell you that. No, no! Please don't hurt me!
Do I get me fiver now, or what?
But you taught me that I don't have to hide behind a tough guy image.
You taught me that it's good to be vulnerable and to lay yourself bare.
Then you can live moments you'll remember for the rest of your life.
So yeah, I'm ready...
ready to tell you that you can't use ethical non-monogamy
as an excuse to treat people like shit!
It's your choice if you want many, even if it's at the same time.
But the clue's in the name.
"Ethical".
There's ways to go about it, lad.
Either way, it's not what I want, cos I don't wanna be one of many.
I wanna be the one.
Seen by only one.
Isn't that truly what a soulmate is?
And our time together's made me realise I wanna find that soulmate,
so...
...goodbye, Thomas.
You're the boss, lad.
He's too good for you.
Well done, kid.
OK? Yeah. Thanks for that, lads.
I lost me head for a bit there. God, any time, mate.
Can I ask you something? Yeah.
You know all these gay questions? Yeah.
You're taking the piss really, aren't you?
Oh, no, mate. I'm genuinely curious.
Yeah, look, I've got a list of questions for you.
Here y'are, let me have a look...
You know when youse are gonna have sex,
how do you know who bums who?
LAUGHS
Come here, me little curly-haired homophobe.
You've got so much to learn.
MUSIC: 'Anyone Who Had A Heart'
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com