Two years ago, you said you were all fucked up
and that you'd always be alone.
Would you prefer if that were the case?
But you said if you could be with anyone,
you would be with me. Alice, what happened?
I fell in love.
Alice's happiness now is only possible
because you showed her that happiness is a possibility.
I think you should be prepared for the strange fact that
when Alice is around, you're never aware of
the passage of time.
Be ready for nothing to make sense,
and yet for everything to make sense.
Do not be alarmed, my friends. This is all perfectly normal.
Hey, Danny.
Get out of the fucking way!
You disappeared, Alice.
I haven't heard from you for three years.
I was reconstituting.
The price of oil is gonna crash and when it does,
those of us who saw that coming are gonna make a bloody fortune.
I did everything you asked of me at that wedding and more,
and you repaid me with silence.
Do you have any investable capital? Like cash, or equities?
I sense you don't approve.
Only because you have no idea what you're doing
and your investment adviser is a complete psychotic.
If this works out, I can give Celia
the future she would've had if we'd never been divorced.
This is why God created second husbands. Let Mark do it.
I don't want Mark to do it,
Celia's fond enough of him as it is.
SELL! SELL! Sell everything!
YEAH!
Hey.
Sorry, I've only got about six minutes.
I'm upstairs killing syphilis bacteria, so.
On your lunch break?
Yeah, lunch breaks, nights, weekends.
It's a passion project. Which is a euphemism for,
"I've got to do it on my own time".
Which is in turn a euphemism for, "your boss is a soulless wanker".
Maybe.
Anyway, this might take the edge off.
Oh, my God.
I mean, don't you...
Oof, don't you normally wire these, or...?
Well, I thought this would be festive.
I know, what if, what if I lose it?
It'll be reissued if you lose it.
What if I'm mugged on the way to the bank?
Don't endorse it till you get inside the bank.
They're gonna suspect me of criminal activity.
No, they're not, but they will treat you differently.
Today, and for the rest of time.
It's not gonna break.
You can be as nonchalant as you like about this.
You can probably afford to buy Belgium now.
But this...this is my daughter's freedom to find her way.
And I was never nervous.
You said it would happen, and it happened.
Thank you for coming, thank you for this.
I just didn't like fighting, Jack.
I didn't like it at all.
And I wanted to come here and talk the way we used to, and...
..and set the world right.
You've done that.
I keep thinking I'm going to crumple the cheque.
Sorry. Sorry Al, I... I can't do that.
Alice, I'm sorry, I've... I've turned a corner.
I mean, I told you, I told you that.
No, it shouldn't have happened. I, erm...
I meant to just give you the cheque and then
leave the way that I came.
You only want me now because you can't have me.
I'm not a fucking child.
It comes up, you know.
It's there, it's always been there.
It can't help but come out.
Do you know what I mean?
I haven't looked in on those feelings for a while.
They don't matter. They don't matter?
Everything's breakable, Alice. Even this.
Well, I suppose we're even.
Nearly.
Sh! It's Jack, be quiet!
Morning, boss.
Good morning, boss.
What the fuck is going on?
Are you sitting down?
I'm standing up right in front of you.
Half an hour ago, a courier delivered a massive cheque
from Vanth Capital with an instruction letter
from Alice stipulating it be used to set up a new pro-bono division
led by you, with no interference from Saul the Cheap -
who, if you look discreetly over my shoulder...
Jack, I said discreetly, for fuck's sake.
..awaits you at the centrifuge.
So anyway... Good morning.
What are you doing?
I'm stopping this.
Have you lost your mind?
She doesn't decide how I live my life.
She's rich. They decide everything.
Mate, she's just made our dreams come true.
We can do what we want.
We can follow our hearts.
We can go to Cuba, Dominica, or Malaysia, or Sri Lanka
or the Maldives - where the problems are.
We can work with those brilliant doctors who have everything but the money.
What do I tell Saul?
Tell him he's a soulless fucker.
Maya.
Jack! Hi, congratulations.
What's happening here?
Yeah, she...she sent everybody their money
and then she closed down the fund.
Why?! What the fuck!
Well, because she's done, isn't she?
I mean, she set records year-over-year.
Her employees and clients are all sorted and,
I mean, she's got more money
than she could ever spend, so I think she's made her point...
This is... This is crazy.
Where is she?
She wants to travel.
When does she leave?
She left last night.
She didn't say goodbye.
She doesn't like goodbyes,
especially not the ones with you.
What did you think this was?
Some sort of passive-aggressive power display?
Aggressive-aggressive, but, yeah. That's what it feels like...
No, Jack. She took you at your word, and she did a noble and generous thing.
I didn't ask her to.
Yeah, and that's why it's noble and generous.
She's in love with you, you idiot!
She tell you that?
I'm her friend.
She left something for you in case you came.
Do you know what it says? Of course not.
I might build up to it. Mm.
It won't change what's inside.
Hey, what do you want for your birthday?
It's months from now.
I want to get a head start.
A sword.
A sword?
Mark says I should try fencing next.
Does he?
Well, I bet you'll be a fine fencer.
Who's that from?
Oh, erm, my friend Alice.
The lady who almost got married?
You remember her? Of course.
What's it say?
I haven't read it yet. But I will.
Right, come on, let's go to bed.
Hello? Where are you?
I am in the hall. Can I come in?
OK.
Morning. How'd you sleep?
Fine. Are you going in?
I am. Sorry, I have to.
Paul and I are tinkering. There's eggs downstairs.
Eat them before they themselves become infectious.
Erm, Mark said if you had to go to work,
he would take me to breakfast.
Great. Give us a hug?
Wow.
See you later. Bye.
Don't forget your keys.
Oh, my God.
Celia.
I...have some questions.
I've waited so long for this.
You're a dancer?
Well, no. I mean, I was when I was a kid.
For 16 years, really.
But it could have been my job I suppose, yeah.
What happened?
Things just changed.
Yeah.
But I do it for myself still.
Yeah, dancing's about the only thing I haven't tried.
You should.
Really? Yeah.
Why does my mum hate my dad?
She doesn't.
I think she's just...
..a bit angry.
Why?
Things in the past.
Like you and my dad?
Yeah.
So it was a mistake?
What was?
My mum and my dad getting married.
No...No.
It was a mistake, so I shouldn't be alive.
No! That's the farthest thing from the truth. No.
And your dad would say it's the best thing he's ever done.
And I'd agree with him, cos you're here.
And we're meant to be here, aren't we? All of us. I think.
My mum and my stepdad say awful things about him.
Yeah.
He doesn't fight back.
No.
Of course he doesn't.
Well...
Well, I want to know what the truth is.
What to believe.
And if there's another side to this story, I want to hear it.
Well, that's fair enough.
I'm not sure that it's my place to...say.
I need to know whether I can trust him. If I should love him.
Oh, my goodness...
You know, Celia, life just isn't tidy.
And it's just really easy to judge people.
But, erm...
..your dad is the best person I know.
Really?
I don't think I'd be here if it wasn't for him.
And I wish...
I would have given anything to have a dad like your dad.
Do you want me to teach you some...ballet?
Is that weird?
No. Yeah...Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
OK.
Shall I...?
Take your shoes off.
And then just open your arms out and that's second position.
And then just bring them back together again.
You're giving the impression of a ballerina.
Really?
You are, yeah. I'll show you a different thing.
See, you can hold onto me again. OK.
I'm like, I'm like the ballet barre.
You've got it, you've got it. You've got it!
That's amazing!
Celia, honestly, I think that you'd be really, really good at this.
Really? Yeah. I do.
Point your right foot.
Perfect! Really? Yeah.
Brilliant. Are you all right there?
Yeah. It's a bit wobbly.
Hello.
Did you forget your key again?
Yeah.
We'll have to get you one of those little grey rocks
you can hide them inside...
What happened? Who's angry?
No-one, it's just a better hug.
OK.
Sit down? Mm-hm.
How was work?
Tried and failed to save humanity again.
How was breakfast?
Didn't go. No?
What'd you do instead?
Nothing much.
Very mysterious. "Nothing much"?
Mm-hm.
It's making less and less sense,
present company excluded.
Excluded. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh, my God. Ah.
Can I just say, I'm having a really nice time with you?
Yeah. I'm...
I'm having a really nice time with you, too.
Good.
So, there's something... ..I should tell you.
Oh, God.
Is this besides the ex-wife and the...the daughter?
It is. It is, yeah.
OK.
I've been in love with somebody since 2007.
And she has been in love with me.
Since 2007. Erm...
Yeah, we tried dating when we were young, you know,
but it just did not work out.
And so we ended up leaving each other's lives for good.
Oh, you're not in touch?
No, we are in touch.
You are in touch.
Yeah, erm...
We bumped into each other a few years ago, coincidentally, in Cuba.
In Cuba?
Yeah, can you imagine?
No.
Anyway, ever since then we've just been friends.
You know, we see each other all the time,
we tell each other basically everything
but there's a line now that we'll never, ever cross it again.
And...that's it.
I only tell you this now cos I failed to tell somebody about it years ago
and that turned out to not be fair.
So, you're in love with another woman?
Yeah. Yeah.
And she's in love with you.
Yeah.
And you're sitting here presenting yourself as available?
I am available.
OK, guys, are we ready?
Ready in four, three, two...
Here's a phrase you don't hear every day,
"Celebrated biomedical researcher."
Jack Caine, welcome to the programme.
Thank you very much for having me.
You've been on quite a run.
Er, I should say first of all that it's not just me.
Er, there's a whole bunch of us but, yeah, thank you.
This is 2022, Jack, there's no such thing as humility.
Tell us, what's in your crosshairs?
Well, dengue fever. Mm.
It's mosquito-borne, caused by a virus.
About 22,000 deaths a year, mostly children
and there is no known cure.
Enter Jack and his bunch, so to speak?
That's the idea, yeah.
So, what's the plan?
You and Rachel Tinsley-Dean liked each other.
Please. It's show business.
Well, I think you're a very good match.
You and Rachel Tinsley-Dean, you look great together.
You and Rachel Tinsley-Dean sound great together...
Why do you keep on calling her by her full name?
I just like saying her full name. Rachel Tinsley-Dean.
It's just up here on the left, please.
Rachel Tinsley-Dean. If you got married... If you got married,
she'd be called Rachel Tinsley-Dean-Caine.
You can't have two hyphens.
Yeah, it's a real mouthful. You can't.
I'll see you later.
I'm not supposed to know about that.
Oh, yeah.
I'll not see you tonight.
You're a nightmare.
Alice Long.
Just in time, come this way.
Thank you for coming.
Oh, my God, OK, I've got to go.
Well done on your half of the DNA.
Ah, yeah. You, too.
Oh, God, she's so good.
I mean, she's pretty bendy.
She's loose-jointed, yeah.
If ballet doesn't work out, she can be a magician's assistant.
I think it will work out. I think it will.
And I'm really, really happy to have been part of that.
A big part of it.
It's kind of life-changing, isn't it, when you just...
..put your self-absorption aside and you focus on the next generation?
Cos you feel like you can finally, like, just...
..I don't know, breathe or something.
You sound like a parent.
I'm gonna be.
You should be.
No, I'm actually going to be one.
I've decided to be one.
My insemination's next Wednesday.
Well, congratulations.
Thanks.
Wow. When did... When did you decide?
It's been evolving and it's been coalescing, you know.
I just need my own people.
You're my people, but you're also not mine.
And erm...
..I just need my own clan.
A clan of two. It's not a very big clan but...
It'll be a fantastic clan.
Yeah.
Sorry, what is the methods, means, by which you...?
Oh, yeah, no. Erm, turkey baster.
Tur... Oh?
Just like Christmas.
Yep. Just pick out of a catalogue.
And so who's the lucky guy?
Steven Foster. Steven Foster.
38, of Watford.
Mm-hm.
Etymologist.
Whoa. Fancy.
Yeah. He's really nice actually. I met him.
Five stars on Yelp.
You know.
And my kid will beat me at Scrabble, so, win, win.
That's the dream.
Jesus. I'm... I mean...
..I'm delighted for you.
Thank you.
Do you think I'll be an all right parent?
No.
I think you'll... I know you'll be an amazing parent.
Oh.
Yeah.
The only one who'll be happier than you will be the kid.
Guaranteed.
This is brilliant.
A baby?
Yes.
Which she plans on raising alone?
Yes.
Alice?
Yes. Oy, yoi, yoi.
Hey! I knew it was all going too well.
I knew there was too much peace and quiet in our little circle.
A lovely, cortisol-free six years.
You guys don't give Alice enough credit.
For what, the Abyss?
You know she's gonna be calling you, like, every five minutes.
I really don't think so. Well, I do. Just don't get sucked into it.
Don't get sucked right back into that Alice Dysfunctionality Vortex.
I completely agree. Everyone would agree.
Even Pandora would.
She'd say. "Dear God don't...don't open that."
We'll insulate you. We'll help her find a baby nurse,
a nanny, a cook, a concierge doctor,
an errand runner, a full-on launderer,
a cleaner, even a therapist, one that's got a few partners
so that, you know, there's always someone on call.
Yeah, maybe put that last one first. Oh.
You guys need to stop because she's going to be great.
OK. OK, well, you know, we just only hope so.
For her sake, for the child's sake, and for your sake,
because here what now, we've got some news. Go on baby, tell him.
Er, Rachel Tinsley-Dean wants to go out with you.
What is wrong with everybody?
She does not want to go out with me.
She called the office and asked for your mobile.
She asked for my mobile?
Yeah.
She probably wants to go out with me, then.
Did you give it to her?
I said I'd ask you and that's what I'm doing.
Celebrated biomedical researcher.
It's probably a bad idea. You don't mix business and pleasure, right?
Are you joking? No-one would ever have sex.
Listen, either you take her out for dinner,
or I will kill you with my bare hands.
Well, no, don't look at me. I'll hide the body.
OK.
I heard your shoes, all the way down the hall.
What about Horton for a boy?
Yeah, there's no good answer to that.
What about Hester for a girl?
I think maybe let's move away from the 'H's.
Right. OK. Noted.
So... So this Steven guy...? Mm-hm?
Is he kind of like part of the family now?
No.
He's an etymologist. Mm-hm.
Etymology's like a 24/7 career path.
Right.
You know, nouns popping up, left, right and centre.
In other words though, you...you don't want him around.
Do you know, Maya, not everyone needs a dad, really.
In other words though, if...if this Horton/Hester
was to have a father figure, it could only be Jack?
You might recall that Jack already has his own kid?
But in other words... Will you stop saying "in other words"?
In other words... Maya.
In other words... Oh, my God.
In other words, you're coming up with excuses.
Jack has the biggest heart of anyone, there's plenty of room.
Jack and I are really good friends.
And it's taken 15 years and a random meeting
halfway round the world to find that out.
And I'm not gonna mess it up by asking any more of him.
OK.
What do you mean "OK"?
OK.
Do you not want to, like, argue with me or something?
Do you want me to argue with you?
No.
Well, then, OK.
Okey dokes.
Okey dokes. Let's eat.
My mother told me, when it comes to men,
find the handsomest nerd you can.
Is that what she did?
Yeah.
And they've been happy their entire lives.
Oh, wow.
They must be very proud of you.
They worry. It's television so it's superficial,
dumbed-down and money-driven.
Everything's superficial, dumbed-down and money-driven.
Not everything. Not what you do.
I was lucky. I had a guardian angel.
What happened to her?
How do you know it's a her?
The way you said it.
Sorry to be forward.
I work 105 hours a week.
When I'm drawn to someone, I declare myself...
..gather information and take a decision.
I do not have time for, erm...
Bullshit?
I was gonna say inefficiency,
but also that.
OK, there's something I should probably tell you.
Oh, God. Hang on.
Go.
I've been in love with someone for 15 years
and she's in love with me.
The woman that came to the taping.
How did you know that?
She came to the taping.
Also, I have a...a daughter.
With that woman?
No. With my ex-wife.
Golly.
You're a lot for a nerd.
Sorry.
So, this woman?
Alice.
We've never managed to stay in a romantic relationship together
for longer than about 11 minutes so
a long time ago we decided to just be friends.
We have everything apart from the physical,
basically, and that's the way that that will stay.
Mm-hm.
But...I guess my point is that I am not a completely clean slate.
We're adults, Jack.
Anyone without a clean slate just hasn't been trying.
Pardon me?
Besides which, it's not like I'm asking you to marry me.
It's all right. I mean, I just want to enjoy your company.
OK, I'm with you so far.
And if Alice is the love of your life, that's great
because work is the love of mine.
There you go, there's my confession.
So, if you're interested in me, I...
I say let's begin.
Alice.
I just feel like I've... Have I forgotten something?
Well, don't worry about that because I haven't.
I've got everything. I've got scones.
Scones?
Yeah, well you never know and they travel well.
Come on. OK. Goodbye, flat. One of us is leaving,
two of us might be coming back.
If we don't go now, the police will come.
OK. Did I set the alarm?
Yeah, it's on.
That's amazing. Come on.
When did I do that?
I did it. Go.
Morning.
Mm, hi.
Hello. How'd you sleep?
This is a good bed.
It is.
Hm.
Where did you get it, if I may ask?
I don't actually know. It was a house-warming gift.
Nice house-warming.
Mm-hm, it was.
So, I go dark on Fridays.
Cyclical depression, is it?
My show.
Ah. Which means Thursday night is my next avail if you're free.
I am free.
And if I was not free, I would become free.
I like you.
You OK?
Yeah.
It's dumb.
I'm listening.
You remember Alice?
Yeah, she's being inseminated in about an hour.
Clinically, you mean?
Yes, sorry, clinically.
Wow. Good for her. Mm.
Hm, I've thought about it.
You have?
Mm. For when they kick me out of the business.
The joys of parenting without the prison sentence of marriage.
But can I ask you something?
What are you doing here?
What do you mean? Well, if your relationship is really what you say,
then shouldn't you be by her side?
Moral support and so on. What kind of friend are you?
She didn't ask.
Of course she didn't ask.
She didn't want to cross a line.
Your relationship means too much to her and she didn't
want to place undue weight.
Really?
How can some people be so smart in some ways
and so daft in others?
It...it wouldn't have been placing undue weight,
I would have liked to be there. Well, then why didn't you suggest?
Well, because I didn't want to place undue weight on her.
Mm, that's the problem with respect.
Too much of it and everything gets fucked.
Do you know where she's getting it done?
Yeah, I mean I... Yeah, I mean, I could call her.
Calling is half-arsed. Real friendship is full-arsed.
It's rush hour, I'm not going to get there in time.
Which is why you own a bicycle.
You all right?
Mm-hm, uh-huh.
Sure?
Well, do you want a scone?
Not right now.
OK.
Hi. Do you mind if I just pop out for a minute?
Is it for a cigarette?
No, it's not for a cigarette.
Then it's fine. Thanks.
Do you want me to come with you?
I'm OK.
Hey, I'll wait here in case they come and if they do,
I'll come get you. Great plan.
OK.
Alice.
Alice, Alice.
Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.
Did I miss it? Has it happened already?
They don't just punt you outside right afterwards.
No, it hasn't happened yet.
Phew!
I can't believe I made it.
You can actually get here in like 18 minutes if you ignore the lights.
Oh, well good to know.
I'm sorry, I should have asked to come.
I was... I was standing on ceremony.
I'm sorry.
I would've asked you to come, I almost asked you to come.
It's exhausting isn't it, being in love?
It's fuckin' brutal.
You're not alone, Alice.
You've never been alone.
From the day we met, you've had a clan.
Do you think maybe you better pick up your bike?
Yeah.
Just for pedestrians and stuff. Yeah.