[Collective-AMC]
[MUSIC]
Try to taste.
Yes, can I get some
general sous chicken please?
Sorry, not sous.
No sous?
Did the chickens escape?
No, we're still doing
breakfast for the next hour.
Breakfast?
Then can I get two scrambled eggs?
Toast or fruit?
Toast, burn that fruit
before somebody eats it or ask.
Absolutely, no fruit.
Anything else?
Can I get an orange juice?
Never fruits, I'm not oldies, okay.
And a pork roll, egg and cheese.
They go with cream cheese
and any other cheese you see.
He's a poet and he didn't even know it.
Anything else?
Yes, six and a half almond cookies and
your hand in marriage.
Who is this?
Well, it's not Brian
David, that guy's a pub.
He sure is.
I haven't heard from you
in a long time, Brian David.
What are you doing?
I'm calling Melody Barnigan and I'm
making a more jelly donut.
Toaster oven or microwave?
I don't have a toaster oven.
Or a microwave ratio, Rich.
Jesus, do you guys have a robot made in
your mansion, Miss Milliner?
Shut up.
Did you really call to
order all this fruit?
No.
I was calling to talk to you.
Oh yeah?
Why?
I was wondering...
Do you want to go to
the movies with me today?
You can totally send out.
Okay.
Seriously?
Hold on one second.
Cool.
Yeah, anything but Poltergeist 2.
Uh, because Toby Hooper didn't direct?
Who?
The guy who directed the
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
He made the first Poltergeist even though
most people think it was Spielberg.
You sure know a lot about movies.
But I can't see Poltergeist 2 with you
because I'm supposed to go with my mom.
Your mom? Why?
Oh, first one's like
her favorite movie ever.
She says it's because
she likes ghost stories.
And I know she's lying.
Why would your mom lie about Poltergeist?
My aunt was drunk one night and she said
that when my mom was in eighth grade,
she went to the school dance with the guy
who plays the dad in Poltergeist.
So that's why she
likes the movie so much.
Oh my gosh, you probably
gave Craig T. Nelson a hand job.
I'd be so mad you said that right now if
I wasn't so impressed you
remember the guy's name.
You sure know a lot about movies.
I know there's a movie you me gotta go
see that your mom will love.
What you talking about, Willis?
Remember when we were
in the pool last summer?
Do you want to touch her?
Uh, you mean when I
almost let you get to second?
Well, yeah.
But this was right before then.
Back up.
Pull up.
Back up.
Pull up.
Back up.
Why do you wear your shirt in the pool?
Because my tits are bigger than yours.
You should take your shirt
off in the pool just one time.
You should take your shirt off
everywhere, all the time.
You're so funny.
All the short people are for David.
It's too loud.
I'm reading.
Mom, tell Brian David he's not short.
How about I tell him to
get off my daughter instead?
He's not on me. I'm on him.
Get off that boy or the only thing he'll
be on is punishment.
Uh, what are you reading, Mrs. Barnigat?
Buckleck.
Oh, see, your mom
just called me a butlick.
She said bucklick with a K.
It's a book series my mom loves about a
wisecracking detective
whose name is U.B. Buckleck.
You be a butlick.
Do you want to touch her?
I totally should have touched her.
Totally should have.
It's like the biggest
mistake I ever made.
So why didn't you?
Well, I wanted you to
think I was a nice guy.
I did think you were a nice
guy until you stopped calling me.
Well, I'm calling you now
because there's a Bucklick movie,
and we totally got to go see it together.
No way. They made a Bucklick movie?
Yeah, they showed a preview
for it when I saw Top Gun.
It looks really funny, and
it's playing in Atlantic.
When have we got to go?
Hiya! Gun koi! Shaolai! Shaolai!
I'm home, I'm home.
I just got yelled at, so I gotta hang up.
What time's Bucklick?
There's a 215 show.
I can't do 215. I got off at two, and
then I need to go home
and shower before I bow,
because I smell like an egg roll.
We could go to the next show at 4.30?
We could. Couldn't we?
We should. Shouldn't we?
Well, cut. Should. Wow, you look fast.
Oh, except in the pool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, you wanna go?
Yeah. Let's go see Bucklick.
Sweet, then. I'll see you at the 4.30
movie, Melody Barnigan.
I'll see you at the 4.30 movie.
Bye, David.
Bye-bye.
There is a gun.
Off to get the new Starlog.
It's kind of brisk out.
A very unassuming day.
Nothing fantastic happening.
(Music)
(upbeat music)
For a cookie?
It's to payday.
You wanna schedule it though?
Nope, I'm gonna go sit on the dock
and write the new starlog.
Then I'm going to the movies.
Man, you and your movies.
Shit's not real, you know?
Like that movie E.T.,
that never happened.
That movie Conan, never happened.
That movie Gandhi, shit never happened.
I'm pretty sure Gandhi had.
Well that shit happened for three hours,
so I stopped watching it.
You heard that New Run DMC album?
Fresh.
Super fresh, right?
Shilly moose.
Gandhi definitely happened.
It didn't happen.
No, it definitely happened.
Star Wars did.
(dramatic music)
(soft music)
May 25th, 1986.
Today's a big day.
I finally called Melody Barnaget
and invited her out to the movies.
Why?
You ask.
One word,
love.
I got 24 karat quesal of.
(upbeat music)
Mrs. B's making bacon for breakfast.
It's not for breakfast,
it's for you guys to bring to the movies.
This is movie bacon?
It's cheaper than that
rip off candy counter
and bacon's better for
you than all that popcorn.
You're growing boys,
you need bacon to
build big strong hearts.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Oh good day.
I'm Bob McKenzie and
this is my brother Doug.
How's it going, eh?
Is that my movie bacon?
Don't touch it yet.
I gotta put the mayonnaise on it first.
Are we really gonna be sneaking around
the movies all day?
I heard that Danny Banks got
caught doing that last week
in the Bandom for life.
Danny Banks was in a slick as us.
But Buckleck is rated R.
We do not look old enough
to get into a rated R movie.
We gotta.
Because I called
Melody Barnaget this morning
and told her we were going.
You talked to Melody
Barnaget this morning.
What was that before or after the donut?
Before.
I asked her out.
She's coming to the 430 movie with us.
Why is Melody
Barnaget out on a movie date?
Hey brothers, brothers.
Do you care?
I don't care.
I guess who will.
Melody Barnaget?
Mary Melody Barnaget.
Yes, Melody Barnaget.
Dude, she's a spirit fighter.
She's a cheerleader.
She's younger than us.
By one, great.
And she would have been in our class
but she missed the cutoff date by a month
because her birthday is in November.
Dude, you know when her birthday is?
Well, holy shit, Billy Idol.
When did the white wedding?
What do you got against
Melody Barnaget, okay?
She's super sweet.
Wait, she's super short.
She's not much shorter than me.
She's shorter than the Mets' chance
of making it to the playoffs this year.
Oh my God, I don't know, bro.
The Mets beat the
Padres by four last night.
Yeah, the Padres beat the
Mets seven to four on Friday.
What's your point, though?
Yeah, but the way they're playing,
they're saying the
Mets could go all the way.
The Mets have as good of a chance
of making it to the World Series
as Bry does of making
it with Melody Barnaget.
Melody Barnaget's not a midget.
She's fresh and I'm gonna ask her out.
You already did.
To the movies, but after we see Buckleck,
I'm gonna ask her out, ask her out.
Like to go steady.
What?
Why?
Because we made out in
her pool last summer.
Yeah, one time, with your shirt on.
And when you almost got,
well, it's a little baby-pitty.
And very little might
I have because she is
fairly flat chest.
Chef, he's not flat chest.
Oh, so you're the expert now.
Look, Rod, baby, I've
gone with way more girls
in the pool than you have, all right?
Where my shirt off?
I've been thinking about
asking Melody out all year.
She's really smart, she thinks I'm funny.
Oh, she can't be too smart
if she thinks you're funny.
Like washing your truck three times a day
is some sign of intelligence.
Hey, hey, hey, don't bring
the truckster into this, okay?
You can actually get
inside of the truckster,
which is way more than
you'll ever be able to do
with Melody Barnaget.
Bry, she's beneath you.
I'm trying to get her on top of me.
For what?
For sex, Bernie!
What, but you're the guy, Bry.
You get on top of her, right?
I got peach and everything.
But I'm always laying
down when I jerk off,
so I don't think I can bust a nut.
Yeah! Come on, get, come on!
You think I wanna hear
about your nasty jerk off
techniques?
No, I don't!
Major murder promo.
You gotta learn how to be a man, Bry.
Be a man like major murder.
Like major murder?
Yeah, like major murder!
Major murder's not a man.
He's a fictional character.
He's got character,
especially when he's in a man's
kicking ass.
In 1986, I believe
you may call the police,
because there's gonna
be a murder in New Jersey
wrestling fans.
Coming to the Brendan Bernard.
He's murdered.
The master of disaster
himself, a savage soldier.
It's a man who's a man.
Major murder!
Is this thing on?
Yes.
Has that got something
to say to all the sissy
civilians out there?
Yes.
All hell, man, ready.
You hearing me, believer?
Major murder's got his
orders to kick your ass,
so I'm gonna storm those
cheeks like it's Omaha Beach.
Hoorah!
Now, Major, it sounds to me like you
intend on holding on
to your
Intercontinental Championship title.
Is that right?
If you gotta ask, then you
ain't up to the task, soldier.
Howdy, you sleaze!
Major murder says, dismiss!
Well, there you have it.
Let's all be thankful that
the Major fights for the side
of these United States,
and not those Soviets.
Major murder is bad to the bone!
A guy literally rides a
camouflage motorcycle,
for God's sakes!
That would never be Dayton,
little Melody Barnigan, dude.
You can bet your ass on that.
Because she's a teenager, and
he's like a hundred years old.
You would never say that to his face,
because he put the grip of death on you.
Even though he was 17 years old,
Bernie O'Donnell still
believed wrestling was real.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Is wrestling not real?
Can you rip the grip?
Say "wrestled's real."
Get off me!
Say "wrestled's real."
Aw, yeah! We wrestled! Good job! [music]
Because he had to do nothing by touching
everybody's disgust.
Bernie mistakenly believed everybody
touching everybody's
disgusting was the original name for
"Hands Across America."
Hey, brothers.
No, Bells, I'm just mocking Bernie
for being against "Hands Across America."
Uh, "Hands Across America."
Can't believe they're not
playing poltergeist 2 here.
Well, there's no way that shit's gonna be
as good as poltergeist 1.
It's not poltergeist 1.
It's still just poltergeist.
When they make a sequel, they don't
suddenly stick a
number in the first flip.
Sometimes I want to stick a
power cable in your big mouth,
like Bernie did "Jaws of Jaws 2."
I like how they kill
Jaws better in "Jaws 1."
Belly, it's just Jaws.
And unless we're talking "Godfather 2,"
"Escape from the Planet
of the Apes," or "Empire."
No sequels ever as good as the original.
All right, well, as long
as that creepy little chick
coming back from
poltergeist 1, I'll be there.
Cross over, children.
All are welcome.
Melody Barnigan's mom--oh, I'm so sorry.
Um, Melody Barnigan's mom went to a dance
with a dad from poltergeist
when she was in eighth grade. Oh, yeah.
I bet she dropped the
mom. Let's rise then.
Then why'd you ask her to
come to the movies today?
Melody's mom's not
coming to the movies with us.
Not her mom, Melody.
Why is she coming with us?
Because I like Melody Barnigan.
I don't know shit
about women. Oh, my God.
I do, all right?
And I know she's not the woman for you
because she's not a woman at all.
She's a little girl.
Melody Barnigan's not
a little girl, Bernie.
She's like a lady.
Uh, yeah, she's like the
creepy lady from poltergeist 1.
It's just poltergeist.
We want some more of Mom's baby.
They put that away till we
get inside, they convince.
Oh, shit. Here comes the car.
Who cares? Batman's a stupid old TV show.
I read in Starlog they said they're gonna
make a new Batman movie.
It'll flop. Nobody's ever
gonna pay to see a Batman movie.
I guess someone out here in Big Sherman
and these disgusting
porters touches my movie movie.
I got one.
Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas, where the
movies come to play.
We get inside. Remember, we're getting
tickets for Astro Blaster
because Buckleck and
Dental School are both rated R.
I can drive a car with 17 and join the
army, but I gotta wait till I'm 18.
I'm 18, I see you're rated
R movies. I live in Russia.
In Soviet Union, you
don't see R-rated movies.
R-rated movies sees you.
What a country.
I need new friends.
Hi.
Astro Blaster and the Beiberman.
[door opens]
Can I get one ticket to
Astro Blaster and the Beiberman?
Hi, girl. Can I get one
ticket to Astro Blaster?
You know, that's what the ladies call me.
Astro Blaster.
You're just playing hard to get.
Okay. We'll save seats. You get none.
I look like a nerd. Show me a little.
You can't get from the
cut-sees when they go back.
What do you care? We're behind you.
Well, I'll tell my dad.
Oh, you're dead. So what? I don't care
what you tell your dad, little kid.
Dad. He showed me his privates.
He did what? I--
Have fun. Don't run. Have fun. Don't run.
Have fun. Don't run.
Have fun. And I hope you die.
Have fun. Don't run.
You had to mess with Manager Mike.
I'm not scared of that spaz.
Now if he sees us in Buckleck, he'll
remember us as the
guys from Astro Blaster.
Who made fun of him?
The guys? You mean the guy?
Because you didn't say shit.
I'm trying to be incognito so we can
sneak into the other movies
all day after we see this one.
And how many times have
you seen Astro Blaster?
Fourteen times.
And you wonder why you don't get laid.
I don't get laid because I'm Catholic.
I'm Catholic. That don't
stop me from getting laid.
I even did it in the
church basement one time.
He's the church basement. What do you
call your steak-tech?
Your steak-tech.
Where's Belle?
What the hell?
I got thrown out.
For what?
For being a little sex fiend.
Are you with that pervert?
Uh, I mean, we go to the same school.
Such a sellout.
That pervert's our boy, Belly.
Well, your boy Belly's been bounced.
You want to join him? Be my guest, but
keep the door closed.
Don't let my AC out.
You touch my car, I call the cops.
You can't hear me, I
can't hear you. I won.
[laughter]
Jesus, meet me. I'm back.
All right. Can you get me some
Twizzlers? I'll go get those.
Can you eat one of your Twizzlers?
Son, you're gonna eat this Twizzler.
Oh, sup, Stink?
Oh, hey, sup. How you doing?
Good.
Didn't I see you at
Rocky IV a couple months ago?
Yeah.
Oh, man. I can't stop thinking about that
movie. It was crazy.
It was so good, right?
I couldn't believe that Rocky lived.
Yeah.
Even so, I was like, that
movie's really hard to follow.
You know, because it's like,
you think he's gonna be dead?
He's all bloody and
stuff. He's just like...
Just like...
Oh!
But then the other guy was like...
And the blood and all the spit...
Yeah. And it all came out.
It was cool.
Remember when the
blonde guy, he's Russian.
I don't know where he's
from, but he keeps the sign.
I don't think it matters where he's from.
And then he just like
punched him so hard.
Hammer that?
It was a climax.
He climaxed?
No, it was the climax of the film.
Yeah. It was so cool.
But I just thought it was kind of fake.
What? For free?
You know I don't got any bread.
Ah, but you got bacon.
Did you see my new striper jacket?
Oh, cool. Rock on.
Yeah. Well, not... No.
Actually, rock on without the horns,
because hell is for pussies.
It's for Heaven's wear, Chad.
Have you been saved?
What?
Have you been saved?
By Jesus?
No. By Tony Danza.
Yeah, by Jesus.
I guess I'm an altar
boy and I go to church.
Good for you.
So I guess we'll be in Heaven together.
Spitting down all those sheath in there.
Yeah.
You're not doing hands
across America either?
No. Not this year.
Yeah. I asked a bunch of people, but I
don't want to do it with me.
They already had people that they were
doing hands with, so...
I mean, I understand,
because it's kind of like...
You have to know somebody really well to
stand next to somebody
and give them a hand job for, you know,
just for bringing people together.
It's like, I have a lot to ask, I guess.
I have a couple of things.
How many previews do you think we get?
It's always three.
I hope we get a fly.
I hope we get aliens and lambs.
Her name is Sister Sarah Wallace,
and she is unlike any
nun you've ever met.
Hey, guys!
She's young.
She's fun.
Yes!
Yes, I'm fine.
And she's got a secret.
They stole all the food from the orphans?
What are we going to do?
To feed the hungry kids at her orphanage,
this naughty nun will
develop some filthy habits.
Sister Sugar Walls.
How come my nuns weren't your secret
hookers when we were in school?
One time I pulled my butt to the thought
of sex with Sister Anne.
I was guilty as hell afterwards.
You're gonna burn. Listen to her.
I'm telling my attorney
not. Who would I tell?
You're out here swimming
around in a toilet bowl.
But you're a nun. Not a hooker.
Well, maybe God wants me to be both.
A nun by day.
Ready?
And a hooker by night.
Hey, sister.
I got something for you, poor box.
Let's see what's under that wig.
Oh, hell no!
Say a prayer for her.
Sister Sugar Walls. Rated R.
We would have definitely seen that.
Imagine if the nuns were secret hookers
when we were in school.
Number one, I already
said that. Number two,
one time Bernie jerked off
thinking about Sister Anne.
Oh, dude!
[panting]
[screaming]
The health note.
Oh, good.
What the shit?
I abandoned it in Scandinavia.
That slasher isn't fit to
wipe the blood off the blades.
A Leatherface, Michael
Myers, or Freddy Krueger.
You haven't even seen the
movie yet, Judge Robynner.
I don't need to see the movie,
because I'm the greatest horror movie
expert you've ever met.
Stupid piece of shit.
Question for the expert.
Who wins in a fight between Jason,
Freddy, Leatherface, and Michael Myers?
My man Jason Voorhees.
The correct answer to the question.
Who wins in a fight between Jason,
Freddy, Leatherface, and Michael Myers
is the audience.
We all win.
Idiot.
Morning, gorgeous.
Morning.
What'd you have in the usual?
Uh, I got to unload before I reload.
[dramatic music]
[door opens]
Whoa.
[door opens]
[dramatic music]
[groans] [screams]
Oh, my God!
Oh!
[screams]
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
[dramatic music]
Are you all right?
No!
[screams]
[screams] [dramatic music]
[door opens]
So they crawl up your butt.
No, Mr. Wizard over here.
I can't believe this place is so empty.
Where'd this come out?
Astro Blaster? Back in March.
Remember we snuck into Highlander after
we saw Astro Blaster?
I remember Bernie
missing half a Highlander
because he was feeling up
Susie Bucachick the whole time.
Ah, Bucachick's so Catholic.
She only let me touch her left titty.
That's why he calls her the kurgan.
They lie.
There could be only one!
[laughs]
Sorry. I should be starvin'.
[laughs] Astro Blaster
And the people that know
[dramatic music]
Astro Blaster
That's a good thing I know
[dramatic music]
[door opens]
It's Jessica Kort.
Where's this?
[door closes]
I got burned. Burn here!
Who the hell is this?
Uh, this is Bernie. I
graduated with a brother.
Uh, Bernie, this is Randy.
Where you from, hon?
Hon. I'm from the Bay Area.
Bay Avenue? San Francisco.
Oh, we met at school.
Ah, so? How's college?
Is it all the wordies in the dorms?
The worms? We don't live in the dorms.
My God. Shh.
I am Damocles of the Beavermen, dammit!
And that means one damn thing.
[dramatic music]
I rule the Beaver.
You haven't seen this yet?
No, did you? Yeah.
Stupid.
Thanks, stupid fun.
Who?
It's not as stupid fun
as you and me making out
until the news.
And it was in the same theater.
Yeah.
Maybe we should take a little longer
and then we lay in the background, huh?
No way. I mean, we're ready for it.
I'm from the--
I mean, we're probably
the bells who gives a shit.
Do you know who you're wanting?
[dramatic music]
Shoot. I'm gonna be just right back.
You just plant-leaving us?
Is there Brian David here?
I'm looking for Brian David.
Holy shit! I can't hear the movie!
Eat shit, asshole!
Brian David, come see the
manager in the lobby ASAP.
Brian David, Brian David.
Should I go?
Godspeed.
[door opens]
I'm terrified by what's about to happen.
Uh, I'm Brian David.
So I'm on the phone
with my Paramount route.
This is Paramount Pictures, mind you.
God, my third-gone father, part two.
And all of a sudden,
the operator interrupts us
with an emergency
breakthrough from your mother.
Mom, what's wrong?
You are giving this cat a
bath when you get home tonight.
So you've made it an
emergency breakthrough
to tell me that?
That's how filthy this cat is!
Cats are self-cleaning,
Ma, and they hate water.
No, that's only in cartoons, Brian.
Okay, I'll give the cat
a bath when I get home.
Um, I promise, but I gotta go.
Oh, okay, big important man.
Doesn't have time to talk to his mother,
who gave birth to him.
You know, I lost one
before you and one after you.
I can't really talk about
my dead ghost siblings, Ma.
The manager is
waiting for his phone back.
Well, I was waiting for a thank-you note
from your cousin, Allison, which just
came in the mail today.
I sent a wedding present to that dummy
after she eloped with some twerk.
Listen to this BS.
Pardon my French, blessed mother.
Listen to this.
Dear Aunt Grace, thank
you for the wedding present.
We love the bed linens from Bradley's.
But when we opened the package, there
were two fitted sheets,
and no top sheet.
It's a little hard to sleep
between two fitted sheets,
so we're gonna bring them
back and get a correct set.
Thank you so much, Allison.
Ah!
It's a little hard to sleep
between two fitted sheets.
Well, then don't get married.
Ma, the manager's staring at me
because we're tying up the phone.
Well, tell him to hold his horses.
I'm not telling him that.
You don't have to.
I can hear her.
He can hear you.
Ma, that means both of you can hear me
when I say get off the phone,
or I'm ejecting you from the theater.
I gotta go, Ma.
Well, I love you, Tiger.
Okay, I'll see you tonight.
Oh, okay, Fonzie.
Too cool to say I love
you back to your mother.
I'm in public, Ma.
Oh, I did 18 hours of labor in public,
bringing you into this world.
Tell her you love her, Fonzie.
I love you.
Goodbye, Ma.
Sorry, uh, my mom's mad at my cousin.
I don't care about your
family ties, Alex P. Keaton.
This isn't the party line
where the action never stops
for 89 cents a minute.
This is a business phone,
and that business is show business,
as in lights, camera, and action.
(phone ringing) Oh, see?
People trying to call.
Atlantic Cinemas, where
the movies come to play.
Manager Mike speaking.
How can I help you?
It's your mother again.
Hello? You hung up.
I thought we were done.
Since when don't you wait to
hear me say I love you too?
The manager was staring at me.
You could be riding
your bike home tonight
and get run over by a bus,
and as you dive there in the gutter,
you'd realize that you
missed your last chance
to hear your only mother say I love you.
I don't want that.
You don't want what,
meat to get hit by a bus
or meat to have regrets when I die from
getting hit by a bus?
Christopher Columbus, I
don't even want to think
about you getting hit by a bus.
Well, then why'd you say, can I go now?
How's the movie?
I don't know, because I've
been on the phone with you
the whole time.
Who's that?
Your son.
The short one?
Oh my God.
Oh, Frums, you think he's not
self-conscious enough already?
I thought he was at the movies.
At least they are now.
I assume that the movie's any good.
Your father wants to know
if your movie's good or not.
I don't know, because
I've been on the phone
with you the whole time.
Listen, I love you, but I gotta go.
I love you too, tiger.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, what about me?
Yes, I love you too.
Ah, not that.
What does Igor say?
I'm in public, dad.
What does Igor say?
Goodnight, master.
Nah.
I made him do the Igor.
You're not from around here, stranger.
Why, you don't even have buck teeth.
Or a tail.
I'm from Earth.
You're from Earth?
Yes, I'm Astro Blaster.
Astro Blaster?
Yeah, I'm the drummer in
a Van Halen cover band.
Man, my mom made an
emergency breakthrough
to talk about the cat.
Can you believe that shit?
He said, "Can you believe that shit?"
She called to tell me
how she'd get the cat.
Oh, my God, you guys--
You guys were--
Did we get right here?
In front of Astro Blaster?
In the beaver link?
In a Van Halen cover band?
Yes, it's a big deal.
It's a big deal?
Yeah, I just said that.
You just said that.
Bernie's having sex during the movie.
The guy's got no respect for cinema.
All right, Bells.
Bells.
What did I miss?
Jesus.
Here's the beef, okay?
We've nearly depleted our entire
strategic popcorn supply.
Do you know what that means?
No.
That means I have to call every theater
in a 10-mile radius offering crazy money
to buy their crappy popcorn,
only to get laughed at and mocked.
By managers telling me I
can't hack it in the movie "Biz."
But just when scuzzy
old Strathmore Cinema,
home of the crudiest corner in the
country, is saying yes,
and I am swallowing my
pride to close the deal,
all of a sudden...
I get an emergency breakthrough.
I'm really sorry about my mom.
It's not your mom this time.
Hey, hey, have fun. Don't run.
Hello?
Hey, Brian. It's Melody.
I'm sorry to call you like this.
Is something wrong?
A little.
I can't go to the 430 movie with you
because my mom says I
gotta stay home for supper,
but she said I can go after I eat.
Yeah? Okay, that's awesome.
Buckleck plays again at 7.15.
I'll be there around 7,
as soon as I'm done with dinner.
You want me to bring you a pork chop?
Pork chop, china pochache.
It's not a shuau.
What?
That's from the brie bunch?
Wow. You sure know a lot
about movies and TV shows.
Hey, I'll see you later, Peter Brie.
Bye.
Sorry.
Pork chops and applesauce.
God.
Worst moment of your life was the day
your mom found out she could make an
emergency breakthrough.
How was it, my mom? How's Melody?
She called you at the movies.
Who played Misty for me?
She did tell me she
can't come to the 430 movie.
Yeah, good.
So she's coming to the 7.15 show.
What? Now she's coming to dental school.
That's gonna be a ton of
ditties in that moment, all right?
I'm not trying to be
looking at naked ladies
while I'm sitting next to a girl.
Well, I was gonna say
we could go to the 430
movie with dental school,
but you all see Buckle at the 7.15.
Why are we moving the schedule
around for Melody Boy to get--
Hmm?
We're supposed to be seeing movies today.
You see a lot of this
movie from behind, Jessica?
What were the words?
See, that's different.
Okay, that wasn't planned.
That's what you'll say about the kid
she's gonna have in nine months.
See, right. I wore rubber.
Who brings rubbers to the movies?
I do.
Why?
Because what if the movie sucks?
You walk out. You don't pull out.
If I'm wearing a
rubber, why would I pull out?
There's a damn force field
around that damn fortress.
We need to bail out now.
I'm not coming, Damocles.
What in the damn hell?
Look, we only got one
shot at this, all right?
So I'm gonna stay
here and steer the ship.
Dammit, man! Why?
Back on Earth?
I'm just a drummer and a
fan, hail and cover band, man.
Okay, but here, in space, I
can be so much more Damocles.
I can be the kind of
guy I always wanted to be.
I can be the kind of
guy they call a hero.
Well, since you've made
your damn mind up about it,
then I, Damocles of the Beavermen,
do hereby swear by
the eternal morning wood
that you, Astro Blaster of Earth,
are the bravest damn
hero in the damn galaxy.
Where I'm from, there's a
name for people like that.
They're called Americans.
Van Halen cover band!
I'm gonna wake up, Belly.
The movie's almost over, so he's gotta go
hide in the bathroom
before the lights come up.
Look at my bacon.
Nobody's after your bacon.
Go hide in the bathroom,
meet us in dental school.
Wait, but then I'll
miss the end of the movie.
So? I already slept
through half of it anyways.
Now go.
Don't have manager mics here.
Stealth.
I love this fight.
A drummer always does it for the Beaver.
(Laughter)
Sex pool.
(Laughter)
For the Beaver!
Van Halen!
Why do we always have to sit through
these stupid credits?
Remember when we saw
young Sherlock Holmes,
and at the end of the
credits, they had Wal-Horsen?
I was one in a million
movies, and that flick flopped.
So they're never gonna be doing an
after-credits scene
in a movie ever again.
See? Waste of time.
We're going for snacks?
What if manager Mike sees us?
Oh, that guy. He's
probably porker than popcorn.
Bobbin, you're a
bologna in a public bathroom.
Open the door, Tommy.
Massing your monkey,
noodling your nugget.
You're a ban for life,
playboy! You disgust me!
Masterbaiting in a public
area is only fun for one person.
Write that down, fella.
(Door opens)
Meet me out back.
Again.
Enjoy the movie.
Derek.
Hi.
Go away, little girl.
This movie's a reader.
Hello. I just wanted to ask a question.
Why are you talking to
me? No one talks to me.
Yeah, but you're awesome to work here.
This is awesome to work
here. No, it sucks to work here.
But you can see all the movies.
Movies suck. This movie sucks.
Half the town and their
mother is here, which is fine.
Because Americans have
no taste. You know why?
Because Americans have no future.
America sucks. Now please.
Run along. Ginger diaper.
We don't have future. What are you doing?
Don't--what's going on with your hands?
Why do you think Americans suck since--
Why are you coming so close to me?
Haven't you been to the day after?
If Russia decides to nugget, we're done.
Kaput. Kentucky Fried Chicken.
And I actually
welcome it. I say bring it.
Take me now so I never have to
see dental school ever again.
You don't like dental school?
I've never actually seen it. I just hear
it all day and night.
You're pulling your pot in public?
Public masturbation is
only ever fun for one person.
Anatone. Shut up!
I mean, if Gorby gets
a hot trigger finger,
we are Canadian bacon
over here in America.
Just crushed.
Isn't there a shield or something?
A shield? You know
anything about Star Wars?
I know everything about Star Wars.
You do? So then you know everything about
Reagan's Strategic Defense Initiative,
the Star Wars program?
What? I thought you meant--
Oh, you thought I meant
that excruciating space opera.
No, thank you. You know, I think our
non-existent got every day
that there will never be
another Star Wars movie made.
We're at the end of Star
Wars, you know what I mean?
What would they do next?
Go back and start telling us
episode one, two, and three?
Can you imagine if they were like,
"Let's break it up
into little TV series"?
Yeah, right. I mean, you
gotta be out of your mind.
Like, we want to
follow some side stories,
some small characters, like,
"Oh, I wonder what Boba Fett's doing.
I want to invest my time
in that." Get out of here.
I don't care about that stuff. I don't
even like Star Wars.
Let's go. Here we go.
What an asshole.
I need you to clean the men's room.
Somebody took a shit in the yard.
Somebody or you, Mike?
What happened? I had distracted him.
The place was packed.
There's only one seat open.
Because of you and Melody?
Now we can't even see Duntu School.
You don't hear belly-belly aching?
Because belly's an idiot.
No more bacon for Bernie. So?
Do you think I give a shit? Hey!
You just said shit in
front of my little sister.
She's only six.
Get out of my face, four eyes.
Hey, what's your--
Oh, stop!
[screaming] Boys, boys, boys.
In the words of the
tagline from the commando poster,
somewhere, somehow,
someone's going to pay.
These three stooges are bad for life!
Fuck my left nut! Not today!
[screaming]
Wait, wait!
Stop holding hands!
Where are you going? We gotta fix this!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Because of you two, I just got this shit
kicked out of me by three little girls!
Who cares? We just got banned for life!
So like Danny Banks.
How am I supposed to take
Melody and see Buckleck now?
Melody? Melody, Melody, Melody.
Man, this is all her fault!
How? She's not even here!
Ever since you asked her to
come to the movies with us,
we've been moving everything around for
her, and now we're banned for life!
We're banned because you picked a fight
with a nine-year-old!
Bullshit! We would be in that theater
right now watching Buckleck!
But you had to invite Melody!
Holy shit! What? What the hell is your
obsession with Melody Barnigan?
You're the one
obsessed with Melody Barnigan!
We just gotta deal with it!
Deal with what?
Because she's a goddamn sophomore!
Who cares? Big Wop!
We're goddamn juniors!
But we're gonna be
seniors in September, bride!
And then you'll be all like, "Oh,
Melody's a stupid dude!"
Don't do it! Don't do
it! Don't do it to me!
Okay? You're the one that's trying to
make out with this little
wee-wand-looking bitch!
What are you doing? What
the hell are you doing?
We're gonna fight.
Oh, yeah. We're gonna fight?
Yeah, we're gonna fight! I'm tired of you
making fun of Melody, okay?
So put up your dukes. Put on my dukes.
If I put up one of my
dukes, I will kill you.
Come on, guys. Friends don't fight.
Friends? You call this friendship!
He cares about his stupid drunk more than
he cares about my feelings!
So let's go! Let's go!
Fight, my dear.
I'm gonna fight, ninjas.
You do now?
You stupid...
Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!
Bernie is not obsessed
with Melody Barnaket!
Thank you, Bals!
He's threatened by her.
What? Why the hell would I be threatened
by that little carpenter's dream?
Jesus, flat as a board is easy to nail.
No, she did not!
Knock it off! Can't you
see Brian idolizes you?
Idolize, Burnboy? Oh, I do not!
Oh, yes, you do. You look up to him
because he's confident,
which is something you can never be,
because you think you're too short.
He is too short! He should be looking in
the sky saying, "The plane! The plane!"
Do something!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Bernie, you keep running down his dream
about dating Melody Barnaket
all threatened by the girl just because
Brian is in love with her.
Oh, I never said I was in
love with Melody Barnaket.
Well, you are.
You've been talking
about her since last summer
because she makes you
feel good about yourself.
She makes you forget
that you think you're short.
He's a four-foot freak!
Pauline, you're a control freak.
Yeah!
So you're afraid Brian's gonna start
spending all his time
with Melody instead of you.
Yeah, but you can't
admit that to yourself
because you think being a man means being
tough like major murder.
What's tougher than fighting your friend
over the woman you love?
I know you guys think I'm dumb or
something, but I am not dumb.
Okay, I just don't talk
as much as the two of you
since you guys never shut the hell up!
All right.
So it gives me a lot of
time to listen, and...
in all the years I've been listening,
here's what I've learned.
You know movies.
You know women.
Yeah, I do.
But I know you guys better than the two
of you know yourselves.
So it's time for you to stop looking for
Bernie's approval on everything.
It's time for you to start
letting Brian be his own man.
By all means.
And it's time both of you assholes
apologize to me for
making fun of my mom's bacon
even though you ate the
shit out of it all day!
You all right?
Come on.
Bernie!
You're adults! Stop talking to me!
[music]
Excuse me?
Oh, excuse me!
Holy shit!
It is you!
You'll be a gemarner!
At ease, you sleaze.
I'm your biggest fan, I gotta be honest.
I know all you fights.
It's a major thank you from Major Murder.
But I've never seen
someone really special.
Uh, is that your daughter?
My daughter?
It's my wife!
I'm sorry, she just
looks a lot younger than you.
That's depressing.
Do I really look that
much older than her?
I just...
I must be able to
stare away this because...
Rosie and I went to high school together.
I started dating when I was a junior and
she was a sophomore.
My pal used to razz me
about her being younger.
I'm sure you've made your
murder, those guys, huh?
Actually, I just cried a lot.
I may not look like it now, but back in
high school I was a
very sensitive fat kid.
Bullshit.
No, no, real shit.
My name's Albert, so I get called Fat
Albert because of the cartoon.
Oh, Bill Cosby.
Now that's an American treasure.
That man will always be beloved.
So, you know, back in high school I was
always very sensitive about my weight.
But...
Rosie?
She always made me forget I was fat.
She always made me feel like I was thin.
So you made a Mrs. Major Murder.
Well, actually, Mrs. Albert Holstein.
Major Murder's real
name's Albert Holstein?
Yeah, and a Holstein is a kind of cow.
So, you know, in high school
there's a lot of cow names.
Cow names?
Yeah, like The Moo Man, Mr. Steak, Utter
Buddy, you know, Hugh Heffer.
You had Pasteur Ass, and
I'd get Milky Tits, Cow Pie.
Yeah, just a lot of cow-themed cruelty.
Hey, thanks for being a fan.
And please don't tell
anybody how I really talk.
Or about the cow names.
Yo, Major!
You gonna go storm those
cheeks like it's on the whole beach?
If you have to ask, then you
ain't up to the task, soldier!
What are you doing back
here? Your ass is banned.
Which means my life is pretty much over.
So I'm just thinking about
hurling myself down the stairs.
Who are you, Father Cares?
Is that an Exorcist joke?
Well, it's not an Exorcist to the Heretic joke.
I respect John Borman too much. I'm not a human. Well, it's not an
Exorcist to the Heretic joke.
I respect John Borman too much.
You know who John Borman is?
Holy shit.
The charm of making?
You've seen Excalibur?
You think I make three dollars and five
cents an hour because
I can't get a real job?
Movies are my life, dude.
That's why you work here.
No, that's why I'm leaving here.
I'm moving to Providence next week.
What's in Providence?
I'm going to the Rhode
Island School of Design.
Like Martha Coolidge.
Martha Coolidge, the director?
Yeah. You know who Martha Coolidge is?
Yeah, movies are my life too.
Valley Girl is in my top ten.
That guy Nick Cage is a genius.
Have you seen Birdie?
Oh yeah, I've seen
every Alan Parker film.
You know who Alan Parker is?
Duh.
Fame and the Waller is so rad.
But Martha Coolidge, man, she's my idol.
I wouldn't be a director like her.
This is so cool.
I've never met anyone who
wanted to be a director before.
Sure you have.
Just look in the mirror.
Me?
A director?
Nah.
I just thought I
should have gone to movies.
Yeah, man. That's how it starts.
Most people come to movies to escape
their lives, but people like us,
we come here because
movies make life make sense.
Out here, man, the world's full of lies.
But in there, they tell a
lie that tells the truth.
And the truth about you
and me is we're filmmakers.
We just haven't made our films.
Yet.
Whoa.
That girl's real, right?
Thanks.
Hi.
Melody Barnigan.
Hi, Brian David.
You look...
...resplendent.
Okay, Dr. Dictionary.
Let's go see Buckleak.
I don't think we can get in.
Because it's right at our...
Well, more because I got banned.
Oh, my God. Like Danny Banks.
Kind of.
So how are we gonna see Buckleak?
Okay.
I have an idea.
Let's drop more skin to my shitting.
Give me a second.
Okay.
Excuse me, manager Mike.
Oh, wow.
What kid I just banned?
Hi.
I wanted to ask you about that.
I know me and my
friends were obnoxious today.
But I stand here before you as a man...
...to beg you to leave the ban.
And why would I do that?
You see that, girl? Yeah?
That's Melody Barnigan.
The raddest woman I ever met.
And last summer I was
too scared to ask her out.
But this morning I invited her to the
movies at your theater and she said yes.
Congratulations.
This could be the
greatest night of my life.
Please lift the ban this one time so we can go to the movies.
It'd mean everything to me.
And I'll do anything.
I'll leave you more
here for free or something.
Please.
Sir.
What do you say?
What do I say?
I don't know.
Anybody like that?
I say Munchkins from the Marielle Land of
Oz belong on the movie screen.
Not in my movie theater.
[laughs]
Hey!
Listen up, loser.
You got a lot of balls calling this guy
Munchkin when you're
short as shit yourself.
How?
You remind me of my daughter.
I hate my daughter.
And you got a lot of nerve talking to me
like that Minnie Mouse.
I'm in the movie business.
I talk to studios.
So you're just a little kid who looks
like a daughter that I can't stand.
So what do you know?
I know you don't know shit
about the movie business.
Because if you did you wouldn't act like
such a poser and drive around in your
stupid looking movie movie.
Okay.
He's not a Munchkin.
He's a nice guy.
Something you don't understand at all
because you are an asshole.
Now?
Well let me tell you
something, little girl.
Now, you're banned for life too.
You and Bilbo Baggins here are never
getting inside my
movie theater ever again.
Clap to that.
Clap.
Ah!
Oh my God!
Oh my...
Oh my movie movie!
No!
Are you okay?
Get inside.
The party just crashed the
structure in the movie movie.
Add the distraction so
you guys can get inside.
So, get inside.
Oh, this stupid car in my truck!
I only have eight more payments on it.
Oh, yay!
Oh my God!
Hey, Pat Benatar, this is rated R movie.
You can't come in here.
Some guy just crashed
into the movie movie though.
No way, really?
Ha ha!
There is a God!
Come in.
Here.
Sorry, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Holy shit.
That was the most
amazing thing I ever did.
You totally tore that
asshole, a new asshole.
He deserves it.
I hate boys.
You're amazing.
Melody Barnigan.
Took all day, but here we are.
We're finally gonna see our 4.30 movie.
And nobody's gonna stop us.
Is that so?
Mom?
What the hell are you doing here?
We're here to see Astro Blaster.
You're so full of
shit your eyes are brown.
This is an Astro Blaster.
This is Bucklek.
And Bucklek is rated R.
What are you doing here, Melody?
Bucklek is rated R.
She said she's going
to see Astro Blaster,
but she's sneaking into R
rated movies with this guy.
Mm, so much drama.
We're supposed to be seeing a comedy.
This is why I told you
we should have gone home
when Poltergeist 2 wasn't playing.
Wait a minute.
You came to see
Poltergeist 2 with Aunt Connie?
You said you had to see it with me.
Don't turn us around, okay?
You're the one in trouble here, Missy.
I love you with you after Bucklek.
Get the hell out of here before I call
the manager and have you banned.
So fair.
Can you believe this?
Finally, it's kinda cute.
Your mom looks pretty pissed.
She is pissed?
Well, I'm pissed too.
Who does she think she is?
Yelling at me in front of you and
everybody in the theater?
She's the one trying to
see Poltergeist 2 without me.
What do you want to do?
Have sex and get pregnant.
That'll show her.
That's what you need?
No, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Let's go.
She treats me like I'm a baby.
I can't stand it.
Shouldn't we get you home
so you don't get in trouble?
No, I'm already in trouble.
And the minute I get home, I'm gonna be
grounded for the rest of my life.
So I might as well enjoy it today.
Gracie!
What? What?
Doesn't it feel great to run?
It's just all across the country.
I think I'm having a hard day.
Raise your arms above your head.
And you get up.
You ever think about what you want to be
when you grow up, Brian Davis?
Toss, toss.
What do you want to be?
I want to be a dean.
Like a dean at a college?
You want to be the guy that's always
giving animals a hard time?
No.
I want to be the girl that's always
giving animals a hard time.
I never knew anybody
who wanted to be a dean.
That's so...weird.
So what do you want to do?
And don't say me.
I want to be a writer.
Why think?
I can see that.
I love to read the stuff you wrote in my
yearbook last summer.
You started out making fun of what
everybody else said.
You wrote, "Have a great summer. See you
over the summer. Summer of the year."
And then I signed a summer program.
I was hysterical.
But then you filled a whole page telling
me how adorable I am.
And how super nice and smart.
My mom read it.
And she said it was beautiful.
So yeah, you're totally
going to be a writer someday.
Man.
How do you...you're always so positive.
Not as much as I'm not negative.
Does anything make you sad?
Like what about a nuclear war?
With the Russians drop the bomb on us
today, my mom can't ground me.
See? You do that. You're...you're all
about the silver liners.
Like...everything went wrong for me today.
But then... everything went wrong for me today.
But then you came along
and made it all better.
If everything went right today, you and
me would be watching Buckleck.
But this is way better.
I said almost perfect.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Then...
Will you go out with me?
Melody Barga?
We are out, Brian Davis.
I mean his boyfriend-girlfriend.
I didn't know what you meant.
Then I don't know.
Is it because I'm short?
Jesus.
Did you just stop with that shit?
I don't think of you as short.
Then what do you think of me, Anna?
I think of you as...
the most interesting guy I ever met.
I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not the best interesting guy I ever met.
All this stuff you talk about...
the way you see the world...
what you wrote in my yearbook...
you always make me think...
and laugh.
And you're like the
funniest person I know.
Yeah?
The only place you come up short...
is in how little you know about girls.
Because I was gonna let you get to second
base in my pool last summer...
and then I never heard from you again.
Until today.
Yeah, but I've been thinking about you
ever since that day.
I'm so full of shit. Your eyes are brown.
You really expect me to believe you
thought about me for an entire year?
Or ever?
Oh my God, are you like pulling it out?
Is that a tape recorder?
It's a writing thing.
I read that real writers use a tape
recorder to help
organize important thoughts.
Important thoughts like this.
Beatbox pricing!
Shit!
I finally called Melody Beinegett and
invited her out to the movies.
Why?
Lask.
One word.
Love.
I got 24 karat case of love.
[music]
You're like the coolest girl I ever met.
And all I wanna do is...
is watch movies with you.
I wanna watch movies with you too.
And...
Hey!
[music]
So is this me or my
boyfriend or girlfriend now?
I hope so.
Because if I was ever gonna make a movie
about today, that's how
I'd want the movie to end.
Yeah? You think today
could ever be a movie?
As long as there are end credits. And a
song. Today could totally be a movie.
[music]
[music] [music]
Yes or no?
I say yes.
Why?
Because I can tell
you really wanna do it.
What if I'm not good at it?
Then I can teach you. I have experience.
Then I'm like a virgin.
Yeah. You got that right.
Oh yeah!
Yeah!
Miss melody.
Sir Bernie.
So, did he go in? Yeah.
He's hesitating.
You got this. You just... you get in
there. How you doing?
Well, watch.
Well, I definitely can't do
it with everybody watching.
Yes, you can. You're full of BDE.
It's Brian David energy.
That's cute.
Come on, Bri. Booby. The sooner you get
this over with, the sooner
we get to go to the diner.
Where I have a pork roll egg
and cheese with my name on it.
They can write asshole in a Kaiser room?
You're funny, but you're lucky, right?
You're lucky that I have as much respect
as I do for the lovely Miss Melody here.
Otherwise, I just might have to put the
rippling dead on you.
Yeah, are we wrestling?
No! No!
Nobody's wrestling. Nobody's wrestling. Nobody's wrestling.
We're not.
All right. Take it to
Def Con 5 War Games.
Are you ready to do this?
I'm nervous.
Jesus, Bri. We're not
talking about circumcision here.
You're just applying for a shitty job.
You go in there, you fill out the
bullshit form, you come
out, we go eat. Right?
What do you think, babe?
Yeah, come on, babe.
What do you think?
Yeah, babe.
Yeah, babe. What's up, babe?
It's your turn.