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[Collective-AMC]

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[MUSIC]

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Try to taste.

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Yes, can I get some

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general sous chicken please?

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Sorry, not sous.

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No sous?

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Did the chickens escape?

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No, we're still doing

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breakfast for the next hour.

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Breakfast?

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Then can I get two scrambled eggs?

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Toast or fruit?

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Toast, burn that fruit

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before somebody eats it or ask.

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Absolutely, no fruit.

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Anything else?

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Can I get an orange juice?

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Never fruits, I'm not oldies, okay.

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And a pork roll, egg and cheese.

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They go with cream cheese

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and any other cheese you see.

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He's a poet and he didn't even know it.

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Anything else?

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Yes, six and a half almond cookies and

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your hand in marriage.

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Who is this?

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Well, it's not Brian

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David, that guy's a pub.

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He sure is.

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I haven't heard from you

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in a long time, Brian David.

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What are you doing?

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I'm calling Melody Barnigan and I'm

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making a more jelly donut.

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Toaster oven or microwave?

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I don't have a toaster oven.

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Or a microwave ratio, Rich.

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Jesus, do you guys have a robot made in

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your mansion, Miss Milliner?

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Shut up.

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Did you really call to

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order all this fruit?

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No.

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I was calling to talk to you.

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Oh yeah?

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Why?

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I was wondering...

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Do you want to go to

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the movies with me today?

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You can totally send out.

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Okay.

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Seriously?

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Hold on one second.

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Cool.

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Yeah, anything but Poltergeist 2.

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Uh, because Toby Hooper didn't direct?

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Who?

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The guy who directed the

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Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

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He made the first Poltergeist even though

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most people think it was Spielberg.

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You sure know a lot about movies.

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But I can't see Poltergeist 2 with you

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because I'm supposed to go with my mom.

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Your mom? Why?

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Oh, first one's like

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her favorite movie ever.

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She says it's because

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she likes ghost stories.

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And I know she's lying.

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Why would your mom lie about Poltergeist?

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My aunt was drunk one night and she said

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that when my mom was in eighth grade,

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she went to the school dance with the guy

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who plays the dad in Poltergeist.

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So that's why she

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likes the movie so much.

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Oh my gosh, you probably

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gave Craig T. Nelson a hand job.

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I'd be so mad you said that right now if

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I wasn't so impressed you

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remember the guy's name.

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You sure know a lot about movies.

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I know there's a movie you me gotta go

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see that your mom will love.

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What you talking about, Willis?

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Remember when we were

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in the pool last summer?

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Do you want to touch her?

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Uh, you mean when I

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almost let you get to second?

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Well, yeah.

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But this was right before then.

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Back up.

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Pull up.

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Back up.

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Pull up.

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Back up.

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Why do you wear your shirt in the pool?

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Because my tits are bigger than yours.

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You should take your shirt

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off in the pool just one time.

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You should take your shirt off

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everywhere, all the time.

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You're so funny.

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All the short people are for David.

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It's too loud.

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I'm reading.

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Mom, tell Brian David he's not short.

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How about I tell him to

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get off my daughter instead?

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He's not on me. I'm on him.

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Get off that boy or the only thing he'll

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be on is punishment.

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Uh, what are you reading, Mrs. Barnigat?

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Buckleck.

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Oh, see, your mom

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just called me a butlick.

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She said bucklick with a K.

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It's a book series my mom loves about a

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wisecracking detective

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whose name is U.B. Buckleck.

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You be a butlick.

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You be a butlick.

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You be a butlick.

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Do you want to touch her?

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I totally should have touched her.

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Totally should have.

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It's like the biggest

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mistake I ever made.

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So why didn't you?

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Well, I wanted you to

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think I was a nice guy.

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I did think you were a nice

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guy until you stopped calling me.

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Well, I'm calling you now

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because there's a Bucklick movie,

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and we totally got to go see it together.

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No way. They made a Bucklick movie?

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Yeah, they showed a preview

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for it when I saw Top Gun.

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It looks really funny, and

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it's playing in Atlantic.

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When have we got to go?

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Hiya! Gun koi! Shaolai! Shaolai!

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I'm home, I'm home.

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I just got yelled at, so I gotta hang up.

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What time's Bucklick?

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There's a 215 show.

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I can't do 215. I got off at two, and

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then I need to go home

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and shower before I bow,

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because I smell like an egg roll.

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We could go to the next show at 4.30?

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We could. Couldn't we?

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We should. Shouldn't we?

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Well, cut. Should. Wow, you look fast.

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Oh, except in the pool.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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So, you wanna go?

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Yeah. Let's go see Bucklick.

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Sweet, then. I'll see you at the 4.30

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movie, Melody Barnigan.

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I'll see you at the 4.30 movie.

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Bye, David.

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Bye-bye.

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There is a gun.

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Off to get the new Starlog.

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It's kind of brisk out.

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A very unassuming day.

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Nothing fantastic happening.

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(Music)

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(upbeat music)

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00:07:44,042 --> 00:07:44,500
For a cookie?

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00:07:45,542 --> 00:07:46,083
It's to payday.

177
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:48,917
You wanna schedule it though?

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Nope, I'm gonna go sit on the dock

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00:07:50,875 --> 00:07:51,625
and write the new starlog.

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Then I'm going to the movies.

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Man, you and your movies.

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Shit's not real, you know?

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Like that movie E.T.,

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00:08:00,583 --> 00:08:01,833
that never happened.

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That movie Conan, never happened.

186
00:08:06,792 --> 00:08:09,750
That movie Gandhi, shit never happened.

187
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I'm pretty sure Gandhi had.

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00:08:16,917 --> 00:08:18,125
Well that shit happened for three hours,

189
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so I stopped watching it.

190
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You heard that New Run DMC album?

191
00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:24,583
Fresh.

192
00:08:25,042 --> 00:08:26,000
Super fresh, right?

193
00:08:26,625 --> 00:08:27,250
Shilly moose.

194
00:08:28,458 --> 00:08:29,583
Gandhi definitely happened.

195
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It didn't happen.

196
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No, it definitely happened.

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Star Wars did.

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(dramatic music)

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(soft music)

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00:08:52,583 --> 00:08:54,875
May 25th, 1986.

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Today's a big day.

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I finally called Melody Barnaget

203
00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:04,042
and invited her out to the movies.

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00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:07,208
Why?

205
00:09:08,708 --> 00:09:09,042
You ask.

206
00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:12,875
One word,

207
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love.

208
00:09:18,417 --> 00:09:19,958
I got 24 karat quesal of.

209
00:09:22,250 --> 00:09:32,375
(upbeat music)

210
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Mrs. B's making bacon for breakfast.

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It's not for breakfast,

212
00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:49,417
it's for you guys to bring to the movies.

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This is movie bacon?

214
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It's cheaper than that

215
00:09:53,083 --> 00:09:54,375
rip off candy counter

216
00:09:54,833 --> 00:09:56,125
and bacon's better for

217
00:09:56,208 --> 00:09:57,875
you than all that popcorn.

218
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:01,250
You're growing boys,

219
00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:02,042
you need bacon to

220
00:10:02,125 --> 00:10:03,583
build big strong hearts.

221
00:10:05,667 --> 00:10:07,375
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

222
00:10:07,458 --> 00:10:08,167
Oh good day.

223
00:10:08,250 --> 00:10:09,083
I'm Bob McKenzie and

224
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:10,125
this is my brother Doug.

225
00:10:10,417 --> 00:10:11,500
How's it going, eh?

226
00:10:13,250 --> 00:10:14,583
Is that my movie bacon?

227
00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:15,917
Don't touch it yet.

228
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,875
I gotta put the mayonnaise on it first.

229
00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:22,833
Are we really gonna be sneaking around

230
00:10:22,917 --> 00:10:23,750
the movies all day?

231
00:10:24,375 --> 00:10:25,625
I heard that Danny Banks got

232
00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:26,792
caught doing that last week

233
00:10:26,875 --> 00:10:28,000
in the Bandom for life.

234
00:10:28,458 --> 00:10:30,000
Danny Banks was in a slick as us.

235
00:10:30,208 --> 00:10:31,833
But Buckleck is rated R.

236
00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:33,333
We do not look old enough

237
00:10:33,417 --> 00:10:34,667
to get into a rated R movie.

238
00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:35,792
We gotta.

239
00:10:37,208 --> 00:10:37,708
Because I called

240
00:10:37,792 --> 00:10:38,750
Melody Barnaget this morning

241
00:10:38,833 --> 00:10:39,500
and told her we were going.

242
00:10:39,958 --> 00:10:41,083
You talked to Melody

243
00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:42,250
Barnaget this morning.

244
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,625
What was that before or after the donut?

245
00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:45,375
Before.

246
00:10:46,250 --> 00:10:46,917
I asked her out.

247
00:10:47,375 --> 00:10:48,667
She's coming to the 430 movie with us.

248
00:10:48,958 --> 00:10:49,375
Why is Melody

249
00:10:49,458 --> 00:10:50,875
Barnaget out on a movie date?

250
00:10:51,792 --> 00:10:53,083
Hey brothers, brothers.

251
00:10:54,708 --> 00:10:55,042
Do you care?

252
00:10:55,792 --> 00:10:56,458
I don't care.

253
00:10:56,958 --> 00:10:57,625
I guess who will.

254
00:11:05,458 --> 00:11:06,292
Melody Barnaget?

255
00:11:09,458 --> 00:11:11,417
Mary Melody Barnaget.

256
00:11:12,083 --> 00:11:13,167
Yes, Melody Barnaget.

257
00:11:13,417 --> 00:11:15,000
Dude, she's a spirit fighter.

258
00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:16,542
She's a cheerleader.

259
00:11:17,083 --> 00:11:18,125
She's younger than us.

260
00:11:18,542 --> 00:11:19,250
By one, great.

261
00:11:19,333 --> 00:11:20,125
And she would have been in our class

262
00:11:20,208 --> 00:11:21,917
but she missed the cutoff date by a month

263
00:11:22,083 --> 00:11:23,250
because her birthday is in November.

264
00:11:23,708 --> 00:11:25,375
Dude, you know when her birthday is?

265
00:11:25,583 --> 00:11:27,292
Well, holy shit, Billy Idol.

266
00:11:27,375 --> 00:11:28,083
When did the white wedding?

267
00:11:28,708 --> 00:11:29,500
What do you got against

268
00:11:29,583 --> 00:11:30,500
Melody Barnaget, okay?

269
00:11:30,708 --> 00:11:32,167
She's super sweet.

270
00:11:32,542 --> 00:11:33,917
Wait, she's super short.

271
00:11:34,208 --> 00:11:35,417
She's not much shorter than me.

272
00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:37,125
She's shorter than the Mets' chance

273
00:11:37,208 --> 00:11:38,958
of making it to the playoffs this year.

274
00:11:39,125 --> 00:11:40,542
Oh my God, I don't know, bro.

275
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:41,417
The Mets beat the

276
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:42,875
Padres by four last night.

277
00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:44,167
Yeah, the Padres beat the

278
00:11:44,250 --> 00:11:45,500
Mets seven to four on Friday.

279
00:11:45,708 --> 00:11:46,792
What's your point, though?

280
00:11:47,042 --> 00:11:48,458
Yeah, but the way they're playing,

281
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:48,917
they're saying the

282
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:49,875
Mets could go all the way.

283
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:51,708
The Mets have as good of a chance

284
00:11:51,792 --> 00:11:53,292
of making it to the World Series

285
00:11:53,542 --> 00:11:55,167
as Bry does of making

286
00:11:55,250 --> 00:11:56,917
it with Melody Barnaget.

287
00:11:57,458 --> 00:11:59,000
Melody Barnaget's not a midget.

288
00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:01,583
She's fresh and I'm gonna ask her out.

289
00:12:01,792 --> 00:12:02,542
You already did.

290
00:12:02,917 --> 00:12:04,958
To the movies, but after we see Buckleck,

291
00:12:05,042 --> 00:12:07,000
I'm gonna ask her out, ask her out.

292
00:12:07,875 --> 00:12:08,833
Like to go steady.

293
00:12:11,083 --> 00:12:11,375
What?

294
00:12:12,917 --> 00:12:13,208
Why?

295
00:12:15,583 --> 00:12:15,917
Why?

296
00:12:16,125 --> 00:12:16,875
Because we made out in

297
00:12:16,958 --> 00:12:17,958
her pool last summer.

298
00:12:18,042 --> 00:12:21,083
Yeah, one time, with your shirt on.

299
00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:22,667
And when you almost got,

300
00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:23,750
well, it's a little baby-pitty.

301
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:24,667
And very little might

302
00:12:24,750 --> 00:12:25,958
I have because she is

303
00:12:26,625 --> 00:12:27,375
fairly flat chest.

304
00:12:28,042 --> 00:12:29,417
Chef, he's not flat chest.

305
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,125
Oh, so you're the expert now.

306
00:12:32,208 --> 00:12:34,917
Look, Rod, baby, I've

307
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,000
gone with way more girls

308
00:12:36,083 --> 00:12:37,500
in the pool than you have, all right?

309
00:12:38,417 --> 00:12:39,250
Where my shirt off?

310
00:12:40,458 --> 00:12:41,000
I've been thinking about

311
00:12:41,083 --> 00:12:42,417
asking Melody out all year.

312
00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:44,833
She's really smart, she thinks I'm funny.

313
00:12:44,917 --> 00:12:46,500
Oh, she can't be too smart

314
00:12:46,583 --> 00:12:47,958
if she thinks you're funny.

315
00:12:49,167 --> 00:12:50,792
Like washing your truck three times a day

316
00:12:50,875 --> 00:12:51,958
is some sign of intelligence.

317
00:12:52,042 --> 00:12:53,708
Hey, hey, hey, don't bring

318
00:12:53,792 --> 00:12:55,000
the truckster into this, okay?

319
00:12:55,417 --> 00:12:56,375
You can actually get

320
00:12:56,458 --> 00:12:57,708
inside of the truckster,

321
00:12:57,792 --> 00:12:59,292
which is way more than

322
00:12:59,375 --> 00:13:00,250
you'll ever be able to do

323
00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:01,333
with Melody Barnaget.

324
00:13:02,375 --> 00:13:04,125
Bry, she's beneath you.

325
00:13:05,042 --> 00:13:06,292
I'm trying to get her on top of me.

326
00:13:08,583 --> 00:13:08,875
For what?

327
00:13:09,625 --> 00:13:10,750
For sex, Bernie!

328
00:13:11,375 --> 00:13:13,667
What, but you're the guy, Bry.

329
00:13:13,875 --> 00:13:16,250
You get on top of her, right?

330
00:13:17,292 --> 00:13:18,292
I got peach and everything.

331
00:13:18,375 --> 00:13:18,958
But I'm always laying

332
00:13:19,042 --> 00:13:19,833
down when I jerk off,

333
00:13:19,917 --> 00:13:20,917
so I don't think I can bust a nut.

334
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,208
Yeah! Come on, get, come on!

335
00:13:23,333 --> 00:13:24,292
You think I wanna hear

336
00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:25,875
about your nasty jerk off

337
00:13:25,958 --> 00:13:26,375
techniques?

338
00:13:26,583 --> 00:13:28,375
No, I don't!

339
00:13:29,417 --> 00:13:30,208
Major murder promo.

340
00:13:30,917 --> 00:13:32,625
You gotta learn how to be a man, Bry.

341
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,042
Be a man like major murder.

342
00:13:34,125 --> 00:13:34,292
Like major murder?

343
00:13:37,292 --> 00:13:39,083
Yeah, like major murder!

344
00:13:41,042 --> 00:13:42,292
Major murder's not a man.

345
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:44,292
He's a fictional character.

346
00:13:44,583 --> 00:13:45,583
He's got character,

347
00:13:46,375 --> 00:13:47,583
especially when he's in a man's

348
00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:48,000
kicking ass.

349
00:13:48,583 --> 00:13:50,417
In 1986, I believe

350
00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:51,875
you may call the police,

351
00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:53,000
because there's gonna

352
00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:54,667
be a murder in New Jersey

353
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:55,583
wrestling fans.

354
00:13:56,208 --> 00:13:57,292
Coming to the Brendan Bernard.

355
00:13:57,833 --> 00:13:58,583
He's murdered.

356
00:13:59,333 --> 00:14:00,458
The master of disaster

357
00:14:00,542 --> 00:14:03,042
himself, a savage soldier.

358
00:14:03,333 --> 00:14:03,875
It's a man who's a man.

359
00:14:04,542 --> 00:14:05,375
Major murder!

360
00:14:07,958 --> 00:14:08,708
Is this thing on?

361
00:14:08,958 --> 00:14:09,208
Yes.

362
00:14:09,583 --> 00:14:10,042
Has that got something

363
00:14:10,125 --> 00:14:11,000
to say to all the sissy

364
00:14:11,083 --> 00:14:12,250
civilians out there?

365
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:12,792
Yes.

366
00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:14,458
All hell, man, ready.

367
00:14:16,667 --> 00:14:17,542
You hearing me, believer?

368
00:14:18,708 --> 00:14:19,542
Major murder's got his

369
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:20,792
orders to kick your ass,

370
00:14:21,667 --> 00:14:22,958
so I'm gonna storm those

371
00:14:23,042 --> 00:14:25,542
cheeks like it's Omaha Beach.

372
00:14:26,375 --> 00:14:27,000
Hoorah!

373
00:14:27,375 --> 00:14:29,458
Now, Major, it sounds to me like you

374
00:14:29,542 --> 00:14:30,958
intend on holding on

375
00:14:31,042 --> 00:14:31,333
to your

376
00:14:31,417 --> 00:14:33,042
Intercontinental Championship title.

377
00:14:33,125 --> 00:14:33,917
Is that right?

378
00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,917
If you gotta ask, then you

379
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,417
ain't up to the task, soldier.

380
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:44,625
Howdy, you sleaze!

381
00:14:45,625 --> 00:14:47,958
Major murder says, dismiss!

382
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:51,833
Well, there you have it.

383
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:53,458
Let's all be thankful that

384
00:14:53,542 --> 00:14:54,792
the Major fights for the side

385
00:14:54,875 --> 00:14:56,000
of these United States,

386
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:57,708
and not those Soviets.

387
00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:00,292
Major murder is bad to the bone!

388
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,417
A guy literally rides a

389
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:03,833
camouflage motorcycle,

390
00:15:03,917 --> 00:15:05,083
for God's sakes!

391
00:15:05,708 --> 00:15:06,583
That would never be Dayton,

392
00:15:06,667 --> 00:15:07,875
little Melody Barnigan, dude.

393
00:15:07,958 --> 00:15:09,125
You can bet your ass on that.

394
00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:10,417
Because she's a teenager, and

395
00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:11,917
he's like a hundred years old.

396
00:15:12,625 --> 00:15:13,917
You would never say that to his face,

397
00:15:14,583 --> 00:15:16,000
because he put the grip of death on you.

398
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,458
Even though he was 17 years old,

399
00:15:19,542 --> 00:15:20,625
Bernie O'Donnell still

400
00:15:20,708 --> 00:15:22,125
believed wrestling was real.

401
00:15:22,708 --> 00:15:22,917
Mm-hmm.

402
00:15:23,875 --> 00:15:24,083
Yeah.

403
00:15:24,708 --> 00:15:25,500
Is wrestling not real?

404
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:26,917
Can you rip the grip?

405
00:15:27,167 --> 00:15:27,833
Say "wrestled's real."

406
00:15:27,917 --> 00:15:28,375
Get off me!

407
00:15:28,458 --> 00:15:29,542
Say "wrestled's real."

408
00:15:34,292 --> 00:16:07,917
Aw, yeah! We wrestled! Good job! [music]

409
00:16:09,292 --> 00:16:11,083
Because he had to do nothing by touching

410
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:12,042
everybody's disgust.

411
00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:15,417
Bernie mistakenly believed everybody

412
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:16,292
touching everybody's

413
00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:18,083
disgusting was the original name for

414
00:16:18,167 --> 00:16:19,333
"Hands Across America."

415
00:16:19,583 --> 00:16:20,042
Hey, brothers.

416
00:16:20,875 --> 00:16:22,333
No, Bells, I'm just mocking Bernie

417
00:16:22,417 --> 00:16:24,375
for being against "Hands Across America."

418
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:25,292
Uh, "Hands Across America."

419
00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:27,958
Can't believe they're not

420
00:16:28,042 --> 00:16:29,250
playing poltergeist 2 here.

421
00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:30,833
Well, there's no way that shit's gonna be

422
00:16:30,917 --> 00:16:31,875
as good as poltergeist 1.

423
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:33,583
It's not poltergeist 1.

424
00:16:33,917 --> 00:16:34,917
It's still just poltergeist.

425
00:16:35,333 --> 00:16:36,292
When they make a sequel, they don't

426
00:16:36,375 --> 00:16:37,167
suddenly stick a

427
00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,250
number in the first flip.

428
00:16:38,917 --> 00:16:40,167
Sometimes I want to stick a

429
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,750
power cable in your big mouth,

430
00:16:42,250 --> 00:16:43,667
like Bernie did "Jaws of Jaws 2."

431
00:16:43,750 --> 00:16:44,625
I like how they kill

432
00:16:44,708 --> 00:16:46,000
Jaws better in "Jaws 1."

433
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:47,833
Belly, it's just Jaws.

434
00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:49,958
And unless we're talking "Godfather 2,"

435
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:50,667
"Escape from the Planet

436
00:16:50,750 --> 00:16:51,833
of the Apes," or "Empire."

437
00:16:52,375 --> 00:16:54,042
No sequels ever as good as the original.

438
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:55,000
All right, well, as long

439
00:16:55,083 --> 00:16:56,208
as that creepy little chick

440
00:16:56,292 --> 00:16:56,875
coming back from

441
00:16:56,958 --> 00:16:58,292
poltergeist 1, I'll be there.

442
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:00,708
Cross over, children.

443
00:17:01,583 --> 00:17:03,792
All are welcome.

444
00:17:05,333 --> 00:17:07,083
Melody Barnigan's mom--oh, I'm so sorry.

445
00:17:07,542 --> 00:17:09,458
Um, Melody Barnigan's mom went to a dance

446
00:17:09,542 --> 00:17:10,625
with a dad from poltergeist

447
00:17:10,708 --> 00:17:12,000
when she was in eighth grade. Oh, yeah.

448
00:17:12,125 --> 00:17:13,000
I bet she dropped the

449
00:17:13,083 --> 00:17:14,042
mom. Let's rise then.

450
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,208
Then why'd you ask her to

451
00:17:16,292 --> 00:17:17,167
come to the movies today?

452
00:17:17,458 --> 00:17:18,208
Melody's mom's not

453
00:17:18,292 --> 00:17:19,333
coming to the movies with us.

454
00:17:19,417 --> 00:17:20,583
Not her mom, Melody.

455
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:21,958
Why is she coming with us?

456
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:23,667
Because I like Melody Barnigan.

457
00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:25,083
I don't know shit

458
00:17:25,167 --> 00:17:26,292
about women. Oh, my God.

459
00:17:26,875 --> 00:17:28,125
I do, all right?

460
00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:30,083
And I know she's not the woman for you

461
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:32,125
because she's not a woman at all.

462
00:17:32,875 --> 00:17:33,583
She's a little girl.

463
00:17:34,208 --> 00:17:34,958
Melody Barnigan's not

464
00:17:35,042 --> 00:17:36,208
a little girl, Bernie.

465
00:17:36,833 --> 00:17:37,792
She's like a lady.

466
00:17:38,333 --> 00:17:39,250
Uh, yeah, she's like the

467
00:17:39,333 --> 00:17:40,917
creepy lady from poltergeist 1.

468
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:41,708
It's just poltergeist.

469
00:17:42,083 --> 00:17:43,250
We want some more of Mom's baby.

470
00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:44,125
They put that away till we

471
00:17:44,208 --> 00:17:45,167
get inside, they convince.

472
00:17:45,458 --> 00:17:46,917
Oh, shit. Here comes the car.

473
00:18:02,875 --> 00:18:08,125
Who cares? Batman's a stupid old TV show.

474
00:18:08,208 --> 00:18:09,458
I read in Starlog they said they're gonna

475
00:18:09,542 --> 00:18:10,333
make a new Batman movie.

476
00:18:10,750 --> 00:18:13,042
It'll flop. Nobody's ever

477
00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:14,500
gonna pay to see a Batman movie.

478
00:18:27,958 --> 00:18:30,083
I guess someone out here in Big Sherman

479
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:31,083
and these disgusting

480
00:18:31,167 --> 00:18:32,500
porters touches my movie movie.

481
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:33,667
I got one.

482
00:18:34,458 --> 00:18:37,625
Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas, where the

483
00:18:37,708 --> 00:18:39,500
movies come to play.

484
00:18:42,792 --> 00:18:44,292
We get inside. Remember, we're getting

485
00:18:44,375 --> 00:18:45,292
tickets for Astro Blaster

486
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:46,250
because Buckleck and

487
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:47,875
Dental School are both rated R.

488
00:18:48,458 --> 00:18:51,375
I can drive a car with 17 and join the

489
00:18:51,458 --> 00:18:53,250
army, but I gotta wait till I'm 18.

490
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:54,500
I'm 18, I see you're rated

491
00:18:54,583 --> 00:18:56,958
R movies. I live in Russia.

492
00:18:58,042 --> 00:18:59,750
In Soviet Union, you

493
00:18:59,833 --> 00:19:01,458
don't see R-rated movies.

494
00:19:02,292 --> 00:19:03,667
R-rated movies sees you.

495
00:19:04,542 --> 00:19:05,500
What a country.

496
00:19:07,333 --> 00:19:07,958
I need new friends.

497
00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:11,500
Hi.

498
00:19:15,208 --> 00:19:16,083
Astro Blaster and the Beiberman.

499
00:19:17,333 --> 00:19:20,958
[door opens]

500
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,375
Can I get one ticket to

501
00:19:25,458 --> 00:19:27,833
Astro Blaster and the Beiberman?

502
00:19:35,917 --> 00:19:38,792
Hi, girl. Can I get one

503
00:19:38,875 --> 00:19:40,833
ticket to Astro Blaster?

504
00:19:42,583 --> 00:19:45,875
You know, that's what the ladies call me.

505
00:19:46,792 --> 00:19:47,458
Astro Blaster.

506
00:19:58,958 --> 00:19:59,833
You're just playing hard to get.

507
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:04,292
Okay. We'll save seats. You get none.

508
00:20:06,458 --> 00:20:07,833
I look like a nerd. Show me a little.

509
00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:10,833
You can't get from the

510
00:20:10,917 --> 00:20:11,917
cut-sees when they go back.

511
00:20:13,083 --> 00:20:14,875
What do you care? We're behind you.

512
00:20:15,417 --> 00:20:16,500
Well, I'll tell my dad.

513
00:20:17,292 --> 00:20:20,375
Oh, you're dead. So what? I don't care

514
00:20:20,458 --> 00:20:21,792
what you tell your dad, little kid.

515
00:20:24,458 --> 00:20:28,375
Dad. He showed me his privates.

516
00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:30,958
He did what? I--

517
00:20:33,250 --> 00:20:37,250
Have fun. Don't run. Have fun. Don't run.

518
00:20:37,333 --> 00:20:38,417
Have fun. Don't run.

519
00:20:40,958 --> 00:20:45,958
Have fun. And I hope you die.

520
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:54,083
Have fun. Don't run.

521
00:20:54,833 --> 00:20:56,542
You had to mess with Manager Mike.

522
00:20:56,625 --> 00:20:58,000
I'm not scared of that spaz.

523
00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:00,417
Now if he sees us in Buckleck, he'll

524
00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:01,125
remember us as the

525
00:21:01,208 --> 00:21:02,333
guys from Astro Blaster.

526
00:21:02,667 --> 00:21:03,292
Who made fun of him?

527
00:21:04,167 --> 00:21:05,958
The guys? You mean the guy?

528
00:21:06,208 --> 00:21:08,083
Because you didn't say shit.

529
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,042
I'm trying to be incognito so we can

530
00:21:11,125 --> 00:21:12,208
sneak into the other movies

531
00:21:12,292 --> 00:21:14,042
all day after we see this one.

532
00:21:14,292 --> 00:21:15,292
And how many times have

533
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:16,125
you seen Astro Blaster?

534
00:21:16,833 --> 00:21:17,500
Fourteen times.

535
00:21:18,750 --> 00:21:20,000
And you wonder why you don't get laid.

536
00:21:21,167 --> 00:21:22,708
I don't get laid because I'm Catholic.

537
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,083
I'm Catholic. That don't

538
00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:25,167
stop me from getting laid.

539
00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:26,208
I even did it in the

540
00:21:26,292 --> 00:21:27,417
church basement one time.

541
00:21:28,417 --> 00:21:29,958
He's the church basement. What do you

542
00:21:30,042 --> 00:21:31,167
call your steak-tech?

543
00:21:31,292 --> 00:21:32,250
Your steak-tech.

544
00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:37,917
Where's Belle?

545
00:21:44,292 --> 00:21:45,167
What the hell?

546
00:21:45,625 --> 00:21:46,500
I got thrown out.

547
00:21:46,875 --> 00:21:47,208
For what?

548
00:21:47,583 --> 00:21:49,042
For being a little sex fiend.

549
00:21:50,625 --> 00:21:51,667
Are you with that pervert?

550
00:21:52,292 --> 00:21:56,083
Uh, I mean, we go to the same school.

551
00:21:56,167 --> 00:21:56,958
Such a sellout.

552
00:21:57,042 --> 00:21:58,250
That pervert's our boy, Belly.

553
00:21:58,333 --> 00:22:00,292
Well, your boy Belly's been bounced.

554
00:22:00,750 --> 00:22:02,292
You want to join him? Be my guest, but

555
00:22:02,375 --> 00:22:03,083
keep the door closed.

556
00:22:03,167 --> 00:22:04,000
Don't let my AC out.

557
00:22:04,375 --> 00:22:06,917
You touch my car, I call the cops.

558
00:22:08,125 --> 00:22:11,333
You touch my car, I call the cops.

559
00:22:12,208 --> 00:22:13,708
You can't hear me, I

560
00:22:13,792 --> 00:22:16,000
can't hear you. I won.

561
00:22:16,333 --> 00:22:20,000
[laughter]

562
00:22:27,583 --> 00:22:28,833
Jesus, meet me. I'm back.

563
00:22:33,667 --> 00:22:36,292
All right. Can you get me some

564
00:22:36,375 --> 00:22:37,458
Twizzlers? I'll go get those.

565
00:22:38,417 --> 00:22:39,375
Can you eat one of your Twizzlers?

566
00:22:39,750 --> 00:22:41,708
Son, you're gonna eat this Twizzler.

567
00:22:47,292 --> 00:22:48,250
Oh, sup, Stink?

568
00:22:49,333 --> 00:22:51,083
Oh, hey, sup. How you doing?

569
00:22:51,417 --> 00:22:51,667
Good.

570
00:22:52,250 --> 00:22:53,333
Didn't I see you at

571
00:22:53,417 --> 00:22:55,208
Rocky IV a couple months ago?

572
00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:56,542
Yeah.

573
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:59,000
Oh, man. I can't stop thinking about that

574
00:22:59,083 --> 00:23:00,125
movie. It was crazy.

575
00:23:00,208 --> 00:23:00,875
It was so good, right?

576
00:23:00,958 --> 00:23:03,208
I couldn't believe that Rocky lived.

577
00:23:03,542 --> 00:23:04,000
Yeah.

578
00:23:04,167 --> 00:23:05,500
Even so, I was like, that

579
00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:08,208
movie's really hard to follow.

580
00:23:09,417 --> 00:23:10,208
You know, because it's like,

581
00:23:11,167 --> 00:23:12,250
you think he's gonna be dead?

582
00:23:12,333 --> 00:23:13,417
He's all bloody and

583
00:23:13,500 --> 00:23:15,083
stuff. He's just like...

584
00:23:16,333 --> 00:23:17,333
Just like...

585
00:23:18,458 --> 00:23:18,667
Oh!

586
00:23:19,667 --> 00:23:21,833
But then the other guy was like...

587
00:23:22,292 --> 00:23:24,000
And the blood and all the spit...

588
00:23:26,750 --> 00:23:28,458
Yeah. And it all came out.

589
00:23:29,917 --> 00:23:30,500
It was cool.

590
00:23:30,875 --> 00:23:31,500
Remember when the

591
00:23:31,583 --> 00:23:33,625
blonde guy, he's Russian.

592
00:23:34,292 --> 00:23:34,833
I don't know where he's

593
00:23:34,917 --> 00:23:36,542
from, but he keeps the sign.

594
00:23:37,417 --> 00:23:39,167
I don't think it matters where he's from.

595
00:23:40,458 --> 00:23:42,958
And then he just like

596
00:23:43,042 --> 00:23:44,792
punched him so hard.

597
00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:46,083
Hammer that?

598
00:23:46,375 --> 00:23:46,750
It was a climax.

599
00:23:47,875 --> 00:23:48,667
He climaxed?

600
00:23:49,167 --> 00:23:51,292
No, it was the climax of the film.

601
00:23:51,583 --> 00:23:53,167
Yeah. It was so cool.

602
00:23:54,208 --> 00:23:55,625
But I just thought it was kind of fake.

603
00:23:59,125 --> 00:24:01,750
What? For free?

604
00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:03,583
You know I don't got any bread.

605
00:24:04,625 --> 00:24:06,125
Ah, but you got bacon.

606
00:24:12,875 --> 00:24:15,292
Did you see my new striper jacket?

607
00:24:15,833 --> 00:24:17,292
Oh, cool. Rock on.

608
00:24:17,625 --> 00:24:19,292
Yeah. Well, not... No.

609
00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:21,958
Actually, rock on without the horns,

610
00:24:22,333 --> 00:24:25,500
because hell is for pussies.

611
00:24:27,125 --> 00:24:28,667
It's for Heaven's wear, Chad.

612
00:24:29,375 --> 00:24:30,417
Have you been saved?

613
00:24:31,500 --> 00:24:31,667
What?

614
00:24:32,125 --> 00:24:32,875
Have you been saved?

615
00:24:33,500 --> 00:24:33,833
By Jesus?

616
00:24:35,333 --> 00:24:36,792
No. By Tony Danza.

617
00:24:37,292 --> 00:24:37,833
Yeah, by Jesus.

618
00:24:39,292 --> 00:24:40,542
I guess I'm an altar

619
00:24:40,625 --> 00:24:41,917
boy and I go to church.

620
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:42,500
Good for you.

621
00:24:42,750 --> 00:24:44,500
So I guess we'll be in Heaven together.

622
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,292
Spitting down all those sheath in there.

623
00:24:47,375 --> 00:24:47,542
Yeah.

624
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:49,583
You're not doing hands

625
00:24:49,667 --> 00:24:50,583
across America either?

626
00:24:51,250 --> 00:24:52,292
No. Not this year.

627
00:24:52,542 --> 00:24:55,750
Yeah. I asked a bunch of people, but I

628
00:24:55,833 --> 00:24:58,000
don't want to do it with me.

629
00:24:58,625 --> 00:25:00,042
They already had people that they were

630
00:25:00,125 --> 00:25:01,333
doing hands with, so...

631
00:25:02,083 --> 00:25:02,958
I mean, I understand,

632
00:25:03,042 --> 00:25:03,250
because it's kind of like...

633
00:25:03,333 --> 00:25:06,667
You have to know somebody really well to

634
00:25:06,750 --> 00:25:08,667
stand next to somebody

635
00:25:08,750 --> 00:25:12,167
and give them a hand job for, you know,

636
00:25:12,333 --> 00:25:14,333
just for bringing people together.

637
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:16,625
It's like, I have a lot to ask, I guess.

638
00:25:21,417 --> 00:25:22,458
I have a couple of things.

639
00:25:25,333 --> 00:25:29,167
How many previews do you think we get?

640
00:25:29,542 --> 00:25:30,292
It's always three.

641
00:25:30,875 --> 00:25:32,042
I hope we get a fly.

642
00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:35,792
I hope we get aliens and lambs.

643
00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:47,708
Her name is Sister Sarah Wallace,

644
00:25:48,375 --> 00:25:49,750
and she is unlike any

645
00:25:49,833 --> 00:25:51,208
nun you've ever met.

646
00:25:53,875 --> 00:25:54,458
Hey, guys!

647
00:25:55,833 --> 00:25:56,292
She's young.

648
00:25:58,583 --> 00:25:59,292
She's fun.

649
00:26:04,833 --> 00:26:06,292
Yes!

650
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:07,750
Yes, I'm fine.

651
00:26:09,917 --> 00:26:11,750
And she's got a secret.

652
00:26:15,167 --> 00:26:17,792
They stole all the food from the orphans?

653
00:26:18,417 --> 00:26:19,708
What are we going to do?

654
00:26:22,875 --> 00:26:25,375
To feed the hungry kids at her orphanage,

655
00:26:26,458 --> 00:26:27,625
this naughty nun will

656
00:26:27,708 --> 00:26:30,292
develop some filthy habits.

657
00:26:35,875 --> 00:26:36,917
Sister Sugar Walls.

658
00:26:37,792 --> 00:26:38,917
How come my nuns weren't your secret

659
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:40,000
hookers when we were in school?

660
00:26:41,042 --> 00:26:42,875
One time I pulled my butt to the thought

661
00:26:42,958 --> 00:26:44,167
of sex with Sister Anne.

662
00:26:46,333 --> 00:26:47,708
I was guilty as hell afterwards.

663
00:26:48,333 --> 00:26:49,875
You're gonna burn. Listen to her.

664
00:26:50,167 --> 00:26:51,042
I'm telling my attorney

665
00:26:51,125 --> 00:26:52,250
not. Who would I tell?

666
00:26:52,708 --> 00:26:53,500
You're out here swimming

667
00:26:53,583 --> 00:26:54,708
around in a toilet bowl.

668
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,083
But you're a nun. Not a hooker.

669
00:26:57,667 --> 00:26:59,583
Well, maybe God wants me to be both.

670
00:27:00,333 --> 00:27:01,292
A nun by day.

671
00:27:02,292 --> 00:27:02,417
Ready?

672
00:27:04,458 --> 00:27:05,875
And a hooker by night.

673
00:27:06,667 --> 00:27:07,208
Hey, sister.

674
00:27:08,250 --> 00:27:11,500
I got something for you, poor box.

675
00:27:13,375 --> 00:27:15,625
Let's see what's under that wig.

676
00:27:19,292 --> 00:27:20,500
Oh, hell no!

677
00:27:22,750 --> 00:27:24,292
Say a prayer for her.

678
00:27:33,375 --> 00:27:35,750
Sister Sugar Walls. Rated R.

679
00:27:37,292 --> 00:27:38,292
We would have definitely seen that.

680
00:27:38,708 --> 00:27:40,208
Imagine if the nuns were secret hookers

681
00:27:40,292 --> 00:27:41,292
when we were in school.

682
00:27:41,375 --> 00:27:42,208
Number one, I already

683
00:27:42,292 --> 00:27:43,375
said that. Number two,

684
00:27:43,750 --> 00:27:44,625
one time Bernie jerked off

685
00:27:44,708 --> 00:27:45,500
thinking about Sister Anne.

686
00:27:46,458 --> 00:27:46,792
Oh, dude!

687
00:28:03,167 --> 00:28:15,333
[panting]

688
00:28:15,417 --> 00:28:23,000
[screaming]

689
00:28:25,292 --> 00:28:26,083
The health note.

690
00:28:26,500 --> 00:28:27,417
Oh, good.

691
00:28:27,750 --> 00:28:28,250
What the shit?

692
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:30,250
I abandoned it in Scandinavia.

693
00:28:30,333 --> 00:28:33,208
That slasher isn't fit to

694
00:28:33,292 --> 00:28:34,750
wipe the blood off the blades.

695
00:28:34,833 --> 00:28:35,792
A Leatherface, Michael

696
00:28:35,875 --> 00:28:37,042
Myers, or Freddy Krueger.

697
00:28:37,375 --> 00:28:38,292
You haven't even seen the

698
00:28:38,375 --> 00:28:39,875
movie yet, Judge Robynner.

699
00:28:39,958 --> 00:28:42,083
I don't need to see the movie,

700
00:28:42,167 --> 00:28:43,375
because I'm the greatest horror movie

701
00:28:43,458 --> 00:28:44,750
expert you've ever met.

702
00:28:45,667 --> 00:28:46,708
Stupid piece of shit.

703
00:28:48,042 --> 00:28:49,542
Question for the expert.

704
00:28:50,708 --> 00:28:52,417
Who wins in a fight between Jason,

705
00:28:52,917 --> 00:28:55,125
Freddy, Leatherface, and Michael Myers?

706
00:28:56,042 --> 00:28:57,458
My man Jason Voorhees.

707
00:28:57,833 --> 00:28:59,250
The correct answer to the question.

708
00:28:59,333 --> 00:29:00,792
Who wins in a fight between Jason,

709
00:29:01,208 --> 00:29:02,708
Freddy, Leatherface, and Michael Myers

710
00:29:02,792 --> 00:29:04,583
is the audience.

711
00:29:05,417 --> 00:29:06,292
We all win.

712
00:29:08,417 --> 00:29:09,000
Idiot.

713
00:29:17,333 --> 00:29:21,292
Morning, gorgeous.

714
00:29:21,958 --> 00:29:22,208
Morning.

715
00:29:22,958 --> 00:29:23,875
What'd you have in the usual?

716
00:29:24,917 --> 00:29:27,667
Uh, I got to unload before I reload.

717
00:29:35,083 --> 00:29:39,000
[dramatic music]

718
00:29:40,250 --> 00:29:41,583
[door opens]

719
00:29:41,667 --> 00:29:42,458
[door opens]

720
00:29:42,542 --> 00:29:42,667
Whoa.

721
00:29:44,250 --> 00:29:46,250
[door opens]

722
00:29:46,333 --> 00:29:46,375
[dramatic music]

723
00:29:46,458 --> 00:29:54,125
[groans] [screams]

724
00:29:54,917 --> 00:29:55,750
Oh, my God!

725
00:29:56,292 --> 00:29:56,833
Oh!

726
00:29:57,292 --> 00:29:58,542
[screams]

727
00:29:58,708 --> 00:29:59,667
Oh, God!

728
00:30:00,333 --> 00:30:01,083
Oh, my God!

729
00:30:12,292 --> 00:30:13,125
[dramatic music]

730
00:30:15,792 --> 00:30:16,333
[dramatic music]

731
00:30:18,708 --> 00:30:19,708
Are you all right?

732
00:30:20,250 --> 00:30:20,625
No!

733
00:30:21,458 --> 00:30:22,500
[screams]

734
00:30:23,208 --> 00:30:24,417
[screams] [dramatic music]

735
00:30:24,500 --> 00:30:24,875
[door opens]

736
00:30:25,333 --> 00:30:28,083
So they crawl up your butt.

737
00:30:28,417 --> 00:30:30,333
No, Mr. Wizard over here.

738
00:30:31,333 --> 00:30:33,417
I can't believe this place is so empty.

739
00:30:33,875 --> 00:30:34,417
Where'd this come out?

740
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:37,042
Astro Blaster? Back in March.

741
00:30:37,458 --> 00:30:38,958
Remember we snuck into Highlander after

742
00:30:39,042 --> 00:30:39,792
we saw Astro Blaster?

743
00:30:40,292 --> 00:30:40,875
I remember Bernie

744
00:30:40,958 --> 00:30:42,000
missing half a Highlander

745
00:30:42,292 --> 00:30:43,292
because he was feeling up

746
00:30:43,375 --> 00:30:44,625
Susie Bucachick the whole time.

747
00:30:44,708 --> 00:30:46,500
Ah, Bucachick's so Catholic.

748
00:30:46,583 --> 00:30:47,625
She only let me touch her left titty.

749
00:30:48,708 --> 00:30:50,000
That's why he calls her the kurgan.

750
00:30:50,833 --> 00:30:51,208
They lie.

751
00:30:51,667 --> 00:30:53,000
There could be only one!

752
00:30:54,125 --> 00:30:54,167
[laughs]

753
00:30:54,875 --> 00:30:56,083
Sorry. I should be starvin'.

754
00:30:58,500 --> 00:31:00,333
[laughs] Astro Blaster

755
00:31:01,667 --> 00:31:03,000
And the people that know

756
00:31:06,417 --> 00:31:09,375
[dramatic music]

757
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:12,917
Astro Blaster

758
00:31:14,375 --> 00:31:16,250
That's a good thing I know

759
00:31:18,750 --> 00:31:18,792
[dramatic music]

760
00:31:18,833 --> 00:31:20,167
[door opens]

761
00:31:21,292 --> 00:31:22,167
It's Jessica Kort.

762
00:31:24,292 --> 00:31:25,292
Where's this?

763
00:31:27,667 --> 00:31:28,250
[door closes]

764
00:31:28,458 --> 00:31:31,333
I got burned. Burn here!

765
00:31:31,708 --> 00:31:32,542
Who the hell is this?

766
00:31:33,167 --> 00:31:34,083
Uh, this is Bernie. I

767
00:31:34,167 --> 00:31:35,125
graduated with a brother.

768
00:31:36,083 --> 00:31:37,125
Uh, Bernie, this is Randy.

769
00:31:38,292 --> 00:31:39,083
Where you from, hon?

770
00:31:39,750 --> 00:31:42,250
Hon. I'm from the Bay Area.

771
00:31:42,917 --> 00:31:45,125
Bay Avenue? San Francisco.

772
00:31:45,875 --> 00:31:46,542
Oh, we met at school.

773
00:31:47,250 --> 00:31:49,708
Ah, so? How's college?

774
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:51,292
Is it all the wordies in the dorms?

775
00:31:52,042 --> 00:31:53,833
The worms? We don't live in the dorms.

776
00:31:53,917 --> 00:31:56,458
My God. Shh.

777
00:31:57,500 --> 00:31:59,917
I am Damocles of the Beavermen, dammit!

778
00:32:00,208 --> 00:32:02,042
And that means one damn thing.

779
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:03,958
[dramatic music]

780
00:32:04,875 --> 00:32:05,542
I rule the Beaver.

781
00:32:06,833 --> 00:32:07,667
You haven't seen this yet?

782
00:32:09,125 --> 00:32:10,833
No, did you? Yeah.

783
00:32:11,792 --> 00:32:12,000
Stupid.

784
00:32:12,708 --> 00:32:13,708
Thanks, stupid fun.

785
00:32:14,667 --> 00:32:14,875
Who?

786
00:32:15,792 --> 00:32:16,958
It's not as stupid fun

787
00:32:17,042 --> 00:32:18,125
as you and me making out

788
00:32:18,208 --> 00:32:18,833
until the news.

789
00:32:20,750 --> 00:32:22,375
And it was in the same theater.

790
00:32:22,833 --> 00:32:23,042
Yeah.

791
00:32:23,875 --> 00:32:25,375
Maybe we should take a little longer

792
00:32:25,458 --> 00:32:27,458
and then we lay in the background, huh?

793
00:32:27,542 --> 00:32:30,083
No way. I mean, we're ready for it.

794
00:32:30,167 --> 00:32:30,333
I'm from the--

795
00:32:31,292 --> 00:32:32,583
I mean, we're probably

796
00:32:32,667 --> 00:32:33,917
the bells who gives a shit.

797
00:32:35,417 --> 00:32:36,542
Do you know who you're wanting?

798
00:32:38,458 --> 00:32:40,583
[dramatic music]

799
00:32:46,083 --> 00:32:48,292
Shoot. I'm gonna be just right back.

800
00:32:48,917 --> 00:32:50,208
You just plant-leaving us?

801
00:32:50,875 --> 00:32:52,042
Is there Brian David here?

802
00:32:53,750 --> 00:32:56,000
I'm looking for Brian David.

803
00:32:56,417 --> 00:32:59,208
Holy shit! I can't hear the movie!

804
00:32:59,792 --> 00:33:01,292
Eat shit, asshole!

805
00:33:01,958 --> 00:33:03,833
Brian David, come see the

806
00:33:03,917 --> 00:33:05,500
manager in the lobby ASAP.

807
00:33:05,917 --> 00:33:07,708
Brian David, Brian David.

808
00:33:08,333 --> 00:33:08,833
Should I go?

809
00:33:10,833 --> 00:33:11,625
Godspeed.

810
00:33:12,292 --> 00:33:13,833
[door opens]

811
00:33:15,292 --> 00:33:18,167
I'm terrified by what's about to happen.

812
00:33:23,792 --> 00:33:24,917
Uh, I'm Brian David.

813
00:33:26,083 --> 00:33:26,917
So I'm on the phone

814
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:28,167
with my Paramount route.

815
00:33:28,375 --> 00:33:29,708
This is Paramount Pictures, mind you.

816
00:33:29,792 --> 00:33:31,375
God, my third-gone father, part two.

817
00:33:31,708 --> 00:33:32,500
And all of a sudden,

818
00:33:32,583 --> 00:33:33,833
the operator interrupts us

819
00:33:33,917 --> 00:33:34,583
with an emergency

820
00:33:34,667 --> 00:33:37,292
breakthrough from your mother.

821
00:33:39,458 --> 00:33:41,250
Mom, what's wrong?

822
00:33:41,333 --> 00:33:43,708
You are giving this cat a

823
00:33:43,792 --> 00:33:45,125
bath when you get home tonight.

824
00:33:46,167 --> 00:33:46,792
So you've made it an

825
00:33:46,875 --> 00:33:48,375
emergency breakthrough

826
00:33:48,458 --> 00:33:49,292
to tell me that?

827
00:33:49,833 --> 00:33:51,458
That's how filthy this cat is!

828
00:33:51,833 --> 00:33:52,750
Cats are self-cleaning,

829
00:33:53,042 --> 00:33:54,625
Ma, and they hate water.

830
00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:57,208
No, that's only in cartoons, Brian.

831
00:33:57,875 --> 00:33:58,708
Okay, I'll give the cat

832
00:33:58,792 --> 00:34:00,208
a bath when I get home.

833
00:34:00,750 --> 00:34:02,750
Um, I promise, but I gotta go.

834
00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,167
Oh, okay, big important man.

835
00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:07,083
Doesn't have time to talk to his mother,

836
00:34:07,167 --> 00:34:08,417
who gave birth to him.

837
00:34:09,292 --> 00:34:10,083
You know, I lost one

838
00:34:10,167 --> 00:34:11,875
before you and one after you.

839
00:34:12,292 --> 00:34:13,125
I can't really talk about

840
00:34:13,208 --> 00:34:14,333
my dead ghost siblings, Ma.

841
00:34:14,417 --> 00:34:14,958
The manager is

842
00:34:15,042 --> 00:34:15,917
waiting for his phone back.

843
00:34:16,417 --> 00:34:18,208
Well, I was waiting for a thank-you note

844
00:34:18,292 --> 00:34:20,375
from your cousin, Allison, which just

845
00:34:20,458 --> 00:34:21,708
came in the mail today.

846
00:34:22,167 --> 00:34:24,000
I sent a wedding present to that dummy

847
00:34:24,292 --> 00:34:26,292
after she eloped with some twerk.

848
00:34:26,542 --> 00:34:27,583
Listen to this BS.

849
00:34:28,167 --> 00:34:29,333
Pardon my French, blessed mother.

850
00:34:29,708 --> 00:34:30,208
Listen to this.

851
00:34:30,583 --> 00:34:32,125
Dear Aunt Grace, thank

852
00:34:32,208 --> 00:34:33,333
you for the wedding present.

853
00:34:33,583 --> 00:34:35,958
We love the bed linens from Bradley's.

854
00:34:36,042 --> 00:34:37,750
But when we opened the package, there

855
00:34:37,833 --> 00:34:38,250
were two fitted sheets,

856
00:34:38,333 --> 00:34:40,250
and no top sheet.

857
00:34:40,792 --> 00:34:42,250
It's a little hard to sleep

858
00:34:42,333 --> 00:34:43,750
between two fitted sheets,

859
00:34:44,042 --> 00:34:45,042
so we're gonna bring them

860
00:34:45,125 --> 00:34:47,083
back and get a correct set.

861
00:34:47,583 --> 00:34:49,375
Thank you so much, Allison.

862
00:34:49,917 --> 00:34:50,125
Ah!

863
00:34:50,667 --> 00:34:51,958
It's a little hard to sleep

864
00:34:52,042 --> 00:34:53,333
between two fitted sheets.

865
00:34:53,417 --> 00:34:54,583
Well, then don't get married.

866
00:34:54,917 --> 00:34:56,375
Ma, the manager's staring at me

867
00:34:56,458 --> 00:34:57,917
because we're tying up the phone.

868
00:34:58,208 --> 00:34:59,958
Well, tell him to hold his horses.

869
00:35:00,292 --> 00:35:01,208
I'm not telling him that.

870
00:35:01,583 --> 00:35:02,500
You don't have to.

871
00:35:02,583 --> 00:35:03,292
I can hear her.

872
00:35:04,208 --> 00:35:05,167
He can hear you.

873
00:35:05,250 --> 00:35:07,250
Ma, that means both of you can hear me

874
00:35:07,333 --> 00:35:10,208
when I say get off the phone,

875
00:35:10,292 --> 00:35:13,125
or I'm ejecting you from the theater.

876
00:35:13,500 --> 00:35:14,458
I gotta go, Ma.

877
00:35:14,667 --> 00:35:15,875
Well, I love you, Tiger.

878
00:35:16,375 --> 00:35:17,208
Okay, I'll see you tonight.

879
00:35:17,875 --> 00:35:18,958
Oh, okay, Fonzie.

880
00:35:19,250 --> 00:35:20,083
Too cool to say I love

881
00:35:20,167 --> 00:35:21,125
you back to your mother.

882
00:35:21,625 --> 00:35:22,542
I'm in public, Ma.

883
00:35:23,292 --> 00:35:25,583
Oh, I did 18 hours of labor in public,

884
00:35:25,833 --> 00:35:27,125
bringing you into this world.

885
00:35:27,750 --> 00:35:29,042
Tell her you love her, Fonzie.

886
00:35:29,875 --> 00:35:30,542
I love you.

887
00:35:31,292 --> 00:35:31,708
Goodbye, Ma.

888
00:35:33,875 --> 00:35:36,250
Sorry, uh, my mom's mad at my cousin.

889
00:35:36,333 --> 00:35:37,958
I don't care about your

890
00:35:38,042 --> 00:35:40,292
family ties, Alex P. Keaton.

891
00:35:40,708 --> 00:35:42,042
This isn't the party line

892
00:35:42,125 --> 00:35:43,375
where the action never stops

893
00:35:43,458 --> 00:35:44,917
for 89 cents a minute.

894
00:35:45,125 --> 00:35:47,708
This is a business phone,

895
00:35:48,042 --> 00:35:51,208
and that business is show business,

896
00:35:51,542 --> 00:35:54,833
as in lights, camera, and action.

897
00:35:55,708 --> 00:35:56,667
(phone ringing) Oh, see?

898
00:35:57,167 --> 00:35:58,083
People trying to call.

899
00:35:59,042 --> 00:35:59,958
Atlantic Cinemas, where

900
00:36:00,042 --> 00:36:00,875
the movies come to play.

901
00:36:01,167 --> 00:36:01,958
Manager Mike speaking.

902
00:36:02,167 --> 00:36:02,833
How can I help you?

903
00:36:03,500 --> 00:36:04,250
It's your mother again.

904
00:36:05,292 --> 00:36:07,125
Hello? You hung up.

905
00:36:07,750 --> 00:36:08,417
I thought we were done.

906
00:36:08,833 --> 00:36:10,250
Since when don't you wait to

907
00:36:10,333 --> 00:36:11,958
hear me say I love you too?

908
00:36:12,917 --> 00:36:14,208
The manager was staring at me.

909
00:36:14,292 --> 00:36:15,083
You could be riding

910
00:36:15,167 --> 00:36:16,125
your bike home tonight

911
00:36:16,292 --> 00:36:17,667
and get run over by a bus,

912
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:19,542
and as you dive there in the gutter,

913
00:36:19,917 --> 00:36:20,958
you'd realize that you

914
00:36:21,042 --> 00:36:22,333
missed your last chance

915
00:36:22,417 --> 00:36:25,125
to hear your only mother say I love you.

916
00:36:25,917 --> 00:36:27,042
I don't want that.

917
00:36:27,458 --> 00:36:28,250
You don't want what,

918
00:36:28,333 --> 00:36:29,417
meat to get hit by a bus

919
00:36:29,500 --> 00:36:31,250
or meat to have regrets when I die from

920
00:36:31,333 --> 00:36:32,292
getting hit by a bus?

921
00:36:32,833 --> 00:36:33,625
Christopher Columbus, I

922
00:36:33,708 --> 00:36:34,417
don't even want to think

923
00:36:34,500 --> 00:36:35,833
about you getting hit by a bus.

924
00:36:35,917 --> 00:36:37,500
Well, then why'd you say, can I go now?

925
00:36:38,667 --> 00:36:39,208
How's the movie?

926
00:36:40,125 --> 00:36:41,625
I don't know, because I've

927
00:36:41,708 --> 00:36:42,333
been on the phone with you

928
00:36:42,417 --> 00:36:43,042
the whole time.

929
00:36:44,083 --> 00:36:44,417
Who's that?

930
00:36:45,250 --> 00:36:45,625
Your son.

931
00:36:46,125 --> 00:36:46,625
The short one?

932
00:36:47,292 --> 00:36:48,042
Oh my God.

933
00:36:48,625 --> 00:36:49,750
Oh, Frums, you think he's not

934
00:36:49,833 --> 00:36:51,000
self-conscious enough already?

935
00:36:51,833 --> 00:36:53,042
I thought he was at the movies.

936
00:36:53,125 --> 00:36:53,833
At least they are now.

937
00:36:54,292 --> 00:36:55,375
I assume that the movie's any good.

938
00:36:56,375 --> 00:36:57,375
Your father wants to know

939
00:36:57,458 --> 00:36:58,583
if your movie's good or not.

940
00:36:58,917 --> 00:37:00,792
I don't know, because

941
00:37:00,875 --> 00:37:01,250
I've been on the phone

942
00:37:01,333 --> 00:37:03,375
with you the whole time.

943
00:37:03,667 --> 00:37:05,875
Listen, I love you, but I gotta go.

944
00:37:06,500 --> 00:37:07,917
I love you too, tiger.

945
00:37:08,667 --> 00:37:09,417
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

946
00:37:09,500 --> 00:37:10,292
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

947
00:37:10,500 --> 00:37:11,417
Hey, what about me?

948
00:37:11,917 --> 00:37:12,833
Yes, I love you too.

949
00:37:13,208 --> 00:37:13,833
Ah, not that.

950
00:37:14,042 --> 00:37:14,958
What does Igor say?

951
00:37:15,542 --> 00:37:16,958
I'm in public, dad.

952
00:37:17,333 --> 00:37:18,292
What does Igor say?

953
00:37:22,250 --> 00:37:23,708
Goodnight, master.

954
00:37:25,167 --> 00:37:25,500
Nah.

955
00:37:27,292 --> 00:37:29,000
I made him do the Igor.

956
00:37:29,333 --> 00:37:31,583
You're not from around here, stranger.

957
00:37:32,208 --> 00:37:34,375
Why, you don't even have buck teeth.

958
00:37:36,833 --> 00:37:37,917
Or a tail.

959
00:37:38,667 --> 00:37:39,208
I'm from Earth.

960
00:37:40,458 --> 00:37:41,208
You're from Earth?

961
00:37:41,750 --> 00:37:43,208
Yes, I'm Astro Blaster.

962
00:37:43,875 --> 00:37:44,625
Astro Blaster?

963
00:37:45,167 --> 00:37:46,625
Yeah, I'm the drummer in

964
00:37:46,708 --> 00:37:48,000
a Van Halen cover band.

965
00:37:54,458 --> 00:37:55,917
Man, my mom made an

966
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:56,750
emergency breakthrough

967
00:37:56,833 --> 00:37:57,542
to talk about the cat.

968
00:37:58,917 --> 00:37:59,542
Can you believe that shit?

969
00:38:02,208 --> 00:38:03,417
He said, "Can you believe that shit?"

970
00:38:06,333 --> 00:38:06,958
She called to tell me

971
00:38:07,042 --> 00:38:07,792
how she'd get the cat.

972
00:38:09,792 --> 00:38:10,500
Oh, my God, you guys--

973
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:11,417
You guys were--

974
00:38:11,542 --> 00:38:12,500
Did we get right here?

975
00:38:13,083 --> 00:38:14,292
In front of Astro Blaster?

976
00:38:15,167 --> 00:38:16,042
In the beaver link?

977
00:38:17,833 --> 00:38:19,708
In a Van Halen cover band?

978
00:38:20,208 --> 00:38:21,417
Yes, it's a big deal.

979
00:38:22,917 --> 00:38:23,625
It's a big deal?

980
00:38:24,375 --> 00:38:25,500
Yeah, I just said that.

981
00:38:26,375 --> 00:38:27,292
You just said that.

982
00:38:30,125 --> 00:38:31,542
Bernie's having sex during the movie.

983
00:38:32,208 --> 00:38:33,625
The guy's got no respect for cinema.

984
00:38:36,292 --> 00:38:36,833
All right, Bells.

985
00:38:38,792 --> 00:38:39,000
Bells.

986
00:38:59,292 --> 00:39:00,875
What did I miss?

987
00:39:03,542 --> 00:39:04,083
Jesus.

988
00:39:08,208 --> 00:39:09,542
Here's the beef, okay?

989
00:39:10,667 --> 00:39:12,333
We've nearly depleted our entire

990
00:39:12,417 --> 00:39:14,000
strategic popcorn supply.

991
00:39:14,542 --> 00:39:15,417
Do you know what that means?

992
00:39:16,292 --> 00:39:16,500
No.

993
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,083
That means I have to call every theater

994
00:39:20,167 --> 00:39:23,042
in a 10-mile radius offering crazy money

995
00:39:23,125 --> 00:39:25,500
to buy their crappy popcorn,

996
00:39:25,583 --> 00:39:27,250
only to get laughed at and mocked.

997
00:39:27,333 --> 00:39:29,958
By managers telling me I

998
00:39:30,042 --> 00:39:32,750
can't hack it in the movie "Biz."

999
00:39:33,292 --> 00:39:34,708
But just when scuzzy

1000
00:39:34,792 --> 00:39:36,167
old Strathmore Cinema,

1001
00:39:36,250 --> 00:39:37,125
home of the crudiest corner in the

1002
00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:38,167
country, is saying yes,

1003
00:39:38,875 --> 00:39:40,667
and I am swallowing my

1004
00:39:40,750 --> 00:39:43,000
pride to close the deal,

1005
00:39:43,500 --> 00:39:44,708
all of a sudden...

1006
00:39:47,292 --> 00:39:49,417
I get an emergency breakthrough.

1007
00:39:50,917 --> 00:39:51,958
I'm really sorry about my mom.

1008
00:39:52,708 --> 00:39:53,917
It's not your mom this time.

1009
00:39:54,500 --> 00:39:55,625
Hey, hey, have fun. Don't run.

1010
00:39:56,667 --> 00:39:56,875
Hello?

1011
00:39:57,500 --> 00:39:59,167
Hey, Brian. It's Melody.

1012
00:39:59,542 --> 00:40:00,750
I'm sorry to call you like this.

1013
00:40:01,125 --> 00:40:01,750
Is something wrong?

1014
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:02,375
A little.

1015
00:40:03,333 --> 00:40:05,083
I can't go to the 430 movie with you

1016
00:40:05,167 --> 00:40:05,917
because my mom says I

1017
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:07,083
gotta stay home for supper,

1018
00:40:07,167 --> 00:40:08,458
but she said I can go after I eat.

1019
00:40:09,542 --> 00:40:11,750
Yeah? Okay, that's awesome.

1020
00:40:13,042 --> 00:40:14,167
Buckleck plays again at 7.15.

1021
00:40:15,083 --> 00:40:16,208
I'll be there around 7,

1022
00:40:16,625 --> 00:40:17,583
as soon as I'm done with dinner.

1023
00:40:18,417 --> 00:40:19,458
You want me to bring you a pork chop?

1024
00:40:20,333 --> 00:40:21,500
Pork chop, china pochache.

1025
00:40:21,917 --> 00:40:22,542
It's not a shuau.

1026
00:40:24,500 --> 00:40:25,708
What?

1027
00:40:27,458 --> 00:40:28,208
That's from the brie bunch?

1028
00:40:29,542 --> 00:40:31,042
Wow. You sure know a lot

1029
00:40:31,125 --> 00:40:32,542
about movies and TV shows.

1030
00:40:33,500 --> 00:40:35,625
Hey, I'll see you later, Peter Brie.

1031
00:40:36,625 --> 00:40:36,875
Bye.

1032
00:40:42,042 --> 00:40:42,167
Sorry.

1033
00:40:43,917 --> 00:40:45,500
Pork chops and applesauce.

1034
00:40:46,917 --> 00:40:47,125
God.

1035
00:40:50,292 --> 00:40:52,250
Worst moment of your life was the day

1036
00:40:52,333 --> 00:40:53,833
your mom found out she could make an

1037
00:40:53,917 --> 00:40:54,875
emergency breakthrough.

1038
00:40:55,833 --> 00:40:57,917
How was it, my mom? How's Melody?

1039
00:40:58,833 --> 00:41:00,125
She called you at the movies.

1040
00:41:00,917 --> 00:41:02,333
Who played Misty for me?

1041
00:41:03,208 --> 00:41:03,875
She did tell me she

1042
00:41:03,958 --> 00:41:05,375
can't come to the 430 movie.

1043
00:41:05,667 --> 00:41:06,375
Yeah, good.

1044
00:41:07,042 --> 00:41:08,417
So she's coming to the 7.15 show.

1045
00:41:08,708 --> 00:41:10,917
What? Now she's coming to dental school.

1046
00:41:11,167 --> 00:41:11,792
That's gonna be a ton of

1047
00:41:11,875 --> 00:41:13,042
ditties in that moment, all right?

1048
00:41:13,208 --> 00:41:13,792
I'm not trying to be

1049
00:41:13,875 --> 00:41:14,792
looking at naked ladies

1050
00:41:14,875 --> 00:41:16,167
while I'm sitting next to a girl.

1051
00:41:17,167 --> 00:41:17,917
Well, I was gonna say

1052
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:19,042
we could go to the 430

1053
00:41:19,125 --> 00:41:19,250
movie with dental school,

1054
00:41:19,333 --> 00:41:22,000
but you all see Buckle at the 7.15.

1055
00:41:22,667 --> 00:41:24,500
Why are we moving the schedule

1056
00:41:24,583 --> 00:41:26,458
around for Melody Boy to get--

1057
00:41:26,542 --> 00:41:26,708
Hmm?

1058
00:41:27,542 --> 00:41:29,750
We're supposed to be seeing movies today.

1059
00:41:31,083 --> 00:41:32,042
You see a lot of this

1060
00:41:32,125 --> 00:41:33,375
movie from behind, Jessica?

1061
00:41:33,458 --> 00:41:34,042
What were the words?

1062
00:41:35,042 --> 00:41:35,958
See, that's different.

1063
00:41:36,042 --> 00:41:37,208
Okay, that wasn't planned.

1064
00:41:38,083 --> 00:41:39,083
That's what you'll say about the kid

1065
00:41:39,167 --> 00:41:40,292
she's gonna have in nine months.

1066
00:41:40,792 --> 00:41:42,542
See, right. I wore rubber.

1067
00:41:43,833 --> 00:41:45,000
Who brings rubbers to the movies?

1068
00:41:45,542 --> 00:41:46,083
I do.

1069
00:41:46,417 --> 00:41:46,708
Why?

1070
00:41:47,667 --> 00:41:49,042
Because what if the movie sucks?

1071
00:41:49,833 --> 00:41:51,708
You walk out. You don't pull out.

1072
00:41:52,292 --> 00:41:53,625
If I'm wearing a

1073
00:41:53,708 --> 00:41:56,000
rubber, why would I pull out?

1074
00:42:00,917 --> 00:42:02,125
There's a damn force field

1075
00:42:02,208 --> 00:42:03,708
around that damn fortress.

1076
00:42:04,375 --> 00:42:05,417
We need to bail out now.

1077
00:42:06,083 --> 00:42:07,250
I'm not coming, Damocles.

1078
00:42:07,750 --> 00:42:09,000
What in the damn hell?

1079
00:42:09,250 --> 00:42:09,958
Look, we only got one

1080
00:42:10,042 --> 00:42:10,958
shot at this, all right?

1081
00:42:11,042 --> 00:42:11,500
So I'm gonna stay

1082
00:42:11,583 --> 00:42:12,500
here and steer the ship.

1083
00:42:13,083 --> 00:42:14,167
Dammit, man! Why?

1084
00:42:14,625 --> 00:42:15,250
Back on Earth?

1085
00:42:15,333 --> 00:42:16,792
I'm just a drummer and a

1086
00:42:16,875 --> 00:42:18,500
fan, hail and cover band, man.

1087
00:42:18,958 --> 00:42:21,000
Okay, but here, in space, I

1088
00:42:21,083 --> 00:42:22,708
can be so much more Damocles.

1089
00:42:23,250 --> 00:42:24,042
I can be the kind of

1090
00:42:24,125 --> 00:42:25,375
guy I always wanted to be.

1091
00:42:25,875 --> 00:42:26,542
I can be the kind of

1092
00:42:26,625 --> 00:42:27,708
guy they call a hero.

1093
00:42:28,208 --> 00:42:30,042
Well, since you've made

1094
00:42:30,125 --> 00:42:32,000
your damn mind up about it,

1095
00:42:32,542 --> 00:42:35,667
then I, Damocles of the Beavermen,

1096
00:42:35,917 --> 00:42:37,417
do hereby swear by

1097
00:42:37,500 --> 00:42:38,833
the eternal morning wood

1098
00:42:38,917 --> 00:42:41,250
that you, Astro Blaster of Earth,

1099
00:42:41,333 --> 00:42:43,458
are the bravest damn

1100
00:42:43,542 --> 00:42:45,292
hero in the damn galaxy.

1101
00:42:46,458 --> 00:42:47,958
Where I'm from, there's a

1102
00:42:48,042 --> 00:42:49,208
name for people like that.

1103
00:42:50,542 --> 00:42:51,542
They're called Americans.

1104
00:42:53,542 --> 00:42:54,833
Van Halen cover band!

1105
00:42:56,500 --> 00:42:57,292
I'm gonna wake up, Belly.

1106
00:42:57,958 --> 00:42:59,625
The movie's almost over, so he's gotta go

1107
00:42:59,708 --> 00:43:00,458
hide in the bathroom

1108
00:43:00,542 --> 00:43:01,667
before the lights come up.

1109
00:43:05,583 --> 00:43:06,375
Look at my bacon.

1110
00:43:07,167 --> 00:43:08,250
Nobody's after your bacon.

1111
00:43:08,333 --> 00:43:10,500
Go hide in the bathroom,

1112
00:43:10,583 --> 00:43:11,458
meet us in dental school.

1113
00:43:11,708 --> 00:43:12,125
Wait, but then I'll

1114
00:43:12,208 --> 00:43:13,208
miss the end of the movie.

1115
00:43:13,625 --> 00:43:14,500
So? I already slept

1116
00:43:14,583 --> 00:43:15,500
through half of it anyways.

1117
00:43:16,083 --> 00:43:16,417
Now go.

1118
00:43:17,792 --> 00:43:18,875
Don't have manager mics here.

1119
00:43:22,083 --> 00:43:22,375
Stealth.

1120
00:43:26,167 --> 00:43:27,292
I love this fight.

1121
00:43:27,708 --> 00:43:31,292
A drummer always does it for the Beaver.

1122
00:43:38,292 --> 00:43:40,250
(Laughter)

1123
00:43:40,333 --> 00:43:42,250
(Laughter)

1124
00:43:42,333 --> 00:43:54,458
(Laughter)

1125
00:43:54,542 --> 00:44:06,500
(Laughter)

1126
00:44:07,125 --> 00:44:08,083
Sex pool.

1127
00:44:12,292 --> 00:44:22,750
(Laughter)

1128
00:44:22,833 --> 00:44:23,500
For the Beaver!

1129
00:44:25,500 --> 00:44:26,958
Van Halen!

1130
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:35,833
Why do we always have to sit through

1131
00:44:35,917 --> 00:44:36,708
these stupid credits?

1132
00:44:38,208 --> 00:44:38,750
Remember when we saw

1133
00:44:38,833 --> 00:44:39,250
young Sherlock Holmes,

1134
00:44:39,333 --> 00:44:40,833
and at the end of the

1135
00:44:40,917 --> 00:44:42,083
credits, they had Wal-Horsen?

1136
00:44:42,500 --> 00:44:43,875
I was one in a million

1137
00:44:43,958 --> 00:44:45,500
movies, and that flick flopped.

1138
00:44:45,792 --> 00:44:46,792
So they're never gonna be doing an

1139
00:44:46,875 --> 00:44:47,583
after-credits scene

1140
00:44:47,667 --> 00:44:48,833
in a movie ever again.

1141
00:44:51,042 --> 00:44:52,583
See? Waste of time.

1142
00:44:56,250 --> 00:44:56,750
We're going for snacks?

1143
00:44:57,292 --> 00:44:58,542
What if manager Mike sees us?

1144
00:44:58,625 --> 00:44:59,458
Oh, that guy. He's

1145
00:44:59,542 --> 00:45:00,542
probably porker than popcorn.

1146
00:45:02,083 --> 00:45:02,625
Bobbin, you're a

1147
00:45:02,708 --> 00:45:04,250
bologna in a public bathroom.

1148
00:45:04,333 --> 00:45:05,125
Open the door, Tommy.

1149
00:45:05,792 --> 00:45:06,750
Massing your monkey,

1150
00:45:07,125 --> 00:45:08,250
noodling your nugget.

1151
00:45:08,333 --> 00:45:09,833
You're a ban for life,

1152
00:45:09,917 --> 00:45:12,000
playboy! You disgust me!

1153
00:45:14,958 --> 00:45:16,458
Masterbaiting in a public

1154
00:45:16,542 --> 00:45:19,500
area is only fun for one person.

1155
00:45:20,667 --> 00:45:21,625
Write that down, fella.

1156
00:45:25,042 --> 00:45:35,375
(Door opens)

1157
00:45:37,375 --> 00:45:38,500
Meet me out back.

1158
00:45:39,417 --> 00:45:39,542
Again.

1159
00:45:43,500 --> 00:45:47,375
Enjoy the movie.

1160
00:45:50,208 --> 00:45:50,417
Derek.

1161
00:45:52,542 --> 00:45:52,750
Hi.

1162
00:45:53,167 --> 00:45:53,917
Go away, little girl.

1163
00:45:54,500 --> 00:45:55,167
This movie's a reader.

1164
00:45:56,333 --> 00:45:59,417
Hello. I just wanted to ask a question.

1165
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:00,583
Why are you talking to

1166
00:46:00,667 --> 00:46:01,500
me? No one talks to me.

1167
00:46:01,708 --> 00:46:04,000
Yeah, but you're awesome to work here.

1168
00:46:04,875 --> 00:46:05,833
This is awesome to work

1169
00:46:05,917 --> 00:46:07,417
here. No, it sucks to work here.

1170
00:46:08,042 --> 00:46:08,958
But you can see all the movies.

1171
00:46:09,375 --> 00:46:11,708
Movies suck. This movie sucks.

1172
00:46:12,042 --> 00:46:12,667
Half the town and their

1173
00:46:12,750 --> 00:46:14,125
mother is here, which is fine.

1174
00:46:14,750 --> 00:46:15,292
Because Americans have

1175
00:46:15,375 --> 00:46:16,958
no taste. You know why?

1176
00:46:17,708 --> 00:46:18,708
Because Americans have no future.

1177
00:46:19,417 --> 00:46:21,292
America sucks. Now please.

1178
00:46:22,500 --> 00:46:23,417
Run along. Ginger diaper.

1179
00:46:24,083 --> 00:46:26,375
We don't have future. What are you doing?

1180
00:46:26,667 --> 00:46:28,542
Don't--what's going on with your hands?

1181
00:46:28,625 --> 00:46:30,167
Why do you think Americans suck since--

1182
00:46:30,833 --> 00:46:32,167
Why are you coming so close to me?

1183
00:46:32,583 --> 00:46:33,792
Haven't you been to the day after?

1184
00:46:35,125 --> 00:46:37,167
If Russia decides to nugget, we're done.

1185
00:46:37,667 --> 00:46:39,625
Kaput. Kentucky Fried Chicken.

1186
00:46:40,375 --> 00:46:41,375
And I actually

1187
00:46:41,458 --> 00:46:43,125
welcome it. I say bring it.

1188
00:46:43,500 --> 00:46:45,042
Take me now so I never have to

1189
00:46:45,125 --> 00:46:46,500
see dental school ever again.

1190
00:46:47,125 --> 00:46:47,875
You don't like dental school?

1191
00:46:48,458 --> 00:46:50,625
I've never actually seen it. I just hear

1192
00:46:50,708 --> 00:46:51,292
it all day and night.

1193
00:46:52,458 --> 00:46:53,875
You're pulling your pot in public?

1194
00:46:55,000 --> 00:46:55,917
Public masturbation is

1195
00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:57,625
only ever fun for one person.

1196
00:46:58,292 --> 00:46:59,875
Anatone. Shut up!

1197
00:47:08,292 --> 00:47:09,208
I mean, if Gorby gets

1198
00:47:09,292 --> 00:47:10,250
a hot trigger finger,

1199
00:47:10,333 --> 00:47:11,708
we are Canadian bacon

1200
00:47:11,792 --> 00:47:12,750
over here in America.

1201
00:47:13,292 --> 00:47:14,458
Just crushed.

1202
00:47:15,292 --> 00:47:17,750
Isn't there a shield or something?

1203
00:47:18,625 --> 00:47:20,917
A shield? You know

1204
00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:22,083
anything about Star Wars?

1205
00:47:22,750 --> 00:47:23,917
I know everything about Star Wars.

1206
00:47:24,292 --> 00:47:26,208
You do? So then you know everything about

1207
00:47:26,292 --> 00:47:28,042
Reagan's Strategic Defense Initiative,

1208
00:47:28,417 --> 00:47:29,333
the Star Wars program?

1209
00:47:31,750 --> 00:47:33,625
What? I thought you meant--

1210
00:47:34,375 --> 00:47:35,250
Oh, you thought I meant

1211
00:47:35,333 --> 00:47:36,917
that excruciating space opera.

1212
00:47:37,292 --> 00:47:38,958
No, thank you. You know, I think our

1213
00:47:39,042 --> 00:47:40,125
non-existent got every day

1214
00:47:40,208 --> 00:47:41,125
that there will never be

1215
00:47:41,208 --> 00:47:42,417
another Star Wars movie made.

1216
00:47:43,292 --> 00:47:45,167
We're at the end of Star

1217
00:47:45,250 --> 00:47:46,250
Wars, you know what I mean?

1218
00:47:46,333 --> 00:47:47,917
What would they do next?

1219
00:47:48,250 --> 00:47:49,583
Go back and start telling us

1220
00:47:49,667 --> 00:47:51,000
episode one, two, and three?

1221
00:47:51,500 --> 00:47:52,375
Can you imagine if they were like,

1222
00:47:52,458 --> 00:47:52,917
"Let's break it up

1223
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:54,292
into little TV series"?

1224
00:47:54,667 --> 00:47:56,250
Yeah, right. I mean, you

1225
00:47:56,333 --> 00:47:57,833
gotta be out of your mind.

1226
00:47:58,875 --> 00:47:59,708
Like, we want to

1227
00:47:59,792 --> 00:48:01,458
follow some side stories,

1228
00:48:01,542 --> 00:48:03,333
some small characters, like,

1229
00:48:03,625 --> 00:48:05,167
"Oh, I wonder what Boba Fett's doing.

1230
00:48:05,250 --> 00:48:06,292
I want to invest my time

1231
00:48:06,375 --> 00:48:07,708
in that." Get out of here.

1232
00:48:08,458 --> 00:48:10,375
I don't care about that stuff. I don't

1233
00:48:10,458 --> 00:48:11,292
even like Star Wars.

1234
00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:12,833
Let's go. Here we go.

1235
00:48:14,333 --> 00:48:15,000
What an asshole.

1236
00:48:15,667 --> 00:48:16,917
I need you to clean the men's room.

1237
00:48:17,167 --> 00:48:18,333
Somebody took a shit in the yard.

1238
00:48:20,292 --> 00:48:23,042
Somebody or you, Mike?

1239
00:48:28,667 --> 00:48:34,708
What happened? I had distracted him.

1240
00:48:34,792 --> 00:48:36,042
The place was packed.

1241
00:48:36,125 --> 00:48:37,292
There's only one seat open.

1242
00:48:37,500 --> 00:48:39,250
Because of you and Melody?

1243
00:48:39,708 --> 00:48:41,083
Now we can't even see Duntu School.

1244
00:48:41,458 --> 00:48:42,917
You don't hear belly-belly aching?

1245
00:48:43,042 --> 00:48:43,292
Because belly's an idiot.

1246
00:48:44,292 --> 00:48:46,375
No more bacon for Bernie. So?

1247
00:48:46,875 --> 00:48:49,000
Do you think I give a shit? Hey!

1248
00:48:50,250 --> 00:48:51,292
You just said shit in

1249
00:48:51,375 --> 00:48:52,458
front of my little sister.

1250
00:48:52,958 --> 00:48:53,917
She's only six.

1251
00:48:55,500 --> 00:48:57,250
Get out of my face, four eyes.

1252
00:48:58,542 --> 00:48:59,208
Hey, what's your--

1253
00:48:59,875 --> 00:49:01,333
Oh, stop!

1254
00:49:04,458 --> 00:49:08,750
[screaming] Boys, boys, boys.

1255
00:49:10,625 --> 00:49:11,333
In the words of the

1256
00:49:11,417 --> 00:49:12,250
tagline from the commando poster,

1257
00:49:12,333 --> 00:49:15,333
somewhere, somehow,

1258
00:49:16,250 --> 00:49:17,667
someone's going to pay.

1259
00:49:19,292 --> 00:49:25,500
These three stooges are bad for life!

1260
00:49:26,458 --> 00:49:28,875
Fuck my left nut! Not today!

1261
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:34,375
[screaming]

1262
00:49:35,458 --> 00:49:36,292
Wait, wait!

1263
00:49:38,292 --> 00:49:40,208
Stop holding hands!

1264
00:49:40,292 --> 00:49:42,708
Where are you going? We gotta fix this!

1265
00:49:42,792 --> 00:49:43,792
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

1266
00:49:44,292 --> 00:49:46,167
Because of you two, I just got this shit

1267
00:49:46,250 --> 00:49:48,208
kicked out of me by three little girls!

1268
00:49:48,500 --> 00:49:50,250
Who cares? We just got banned for life!

1269
00:49:50,333 --> 00:49:51,250
So like Danny Banks.

1270
00:49:52,125 --> 00:49:53,125
How am I supposed to take

1271
00:49:53,208 --> 00:49:54,500
Melody and see Buckleck now?

1272
00:49:55,000 --> 00:49:56,833
Melody? Melody, Melody, Melody.

1273
00:49:56,917 --> 00:49:58,208
Man, this is all her fault!

1274
00:49:58,708 --> 00:50:00,542
How? She's not even here!

1275
00:50:00,875 --> 00:50:02,292
Ever since you asked her to

1276
00:50:02,375 --> 00:50:03,542
come to the movies with us,

1277
00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:05,542
we've been moving everything around for

1278
00:50:05,625 --> 00:50:07,083
her, and now we're banned for life!

1279
00:50:07,292 --> 00:50:09,625
We're banned because you picked a fight

1280
00:50:09,708 --> 00:50:10,583
with a nine-year-old!

1281
00:50:10,667 --> 00:50:13,000
Bullshit! We would be in that theater

1282
00:50:13,083 --> 00:50:15,417
right now watching Buckleck!

1283
00:50:15,500 --> 00:50:17,500
But you had to invite Melody!

1284
00:50:18,208 --> 00:50:20,667
Holy shit! What? What the hell is your

1285
00:50:20,750 --> 00:50:22,500
obsession with Melody Barnigan?

1286
00:50:22,792 --> 00:50:23,750
You're the one

1287
00:50:23,833 --> 00:50:25,917
obsessed with Melody Barnigan!

1288
00:50:26,250 --> 00:50:27,958
We just gotta deal with it!

1289
00:50:28,250 --> 00:50:29,000
Deal with what?

1290
00:50:29,083 --> 00:50:30,750
Because she's a goddamn sophomore!

1291
00:50:31,292 --> 00:50:32,625
Who cares? Big Wop!

1292
00:50:32,708 --> 00:50:33,792
We're goddamn juniors!

1293
00:50:33,875 --> 00:50:34,583
But we're gonna be

1294
00:50:34,667 --> 00:50:36,250
seniors in September, bride!

1295
00:50:36,333 --> 00:50:37,833
And then you'll be all like, "Oh,

1296
00:50:37,917 --> 00:50:38,875
Melody's a stupid dude!"

1297
00:50:39,500 --> 00:50:41,000
Don't do it! Don't do

1298
00:50:41,083 --> 00:50:41,875
it! Don't do it to me!

1299
00:50:42,292 --> 00:50:43,833
Okay? You're the one that's trying to

1300
00:50:43,917 --> 00:50:44,625
make out with this little

1301
00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:45,750
wee-wand-looking bitch!

1302
00:50:47,083 --> 00:50:49,417
What are you doing? What

1303
00:50:49,500 --> 00:50:50,208
the hell are you doing?

1304
00:50:50,458 --> 00:50:50,917
We're gonna fight.

1305
00:50:51,667 --> 00:50:53,708
Oh, yeah. We're gonna fight?

1306
00:50:53,792 --> 00:50:55,833
Yeah, we're gonna fight! I'm tired of you

1307
00:50:55,917 --> 00:50:57,625
making fun of Melody, okay?

1308
00:50:58,583 --> 00:51:00,917
So put up your dukes. Put on my dukes.

1309
00:51:02,125 --> 00:51:03,625
If I put up one of my

1310
00:51:03,708 --> 00:51:05,250
dukes, I will kill you.

1311
00:51:05,333 --> 00:51:07,375
Come on, guys. Friends don't fight.

1312
00:51:07,875 --> 00:51:10,250
Friends? You call this friendship!

1313
00:51:11,375 --> 00:51:13,750
He cares about his stupid drunk more than

1314
00:51:13,833 --> 00:51:15,250
he cares about my feelings!

1315
00:51:16,375 --> 00:51:18,333
So let's go! Let's go!

1316
00:51:20,208 --> 00:51:20,792
Fight, my dear.

1317
00:51:23,250 --> 00:51:24,083
I'm gonna fight, ninjas.

1318
00:51:25,917 --> 00:51:29,917
You do now?

1319
00:51:30,750 --> 00:51:31,500
You stupid...

1320
00:51:32,333 --> 00:51:32,625
Hey!

1321
00:51:33,292 --> 00:51:34,750
Hey! Hey! Hey!

1322
00:51:35,708 --> 00:51:39,458
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

1323
00:51:39,542 --> 00:51:41,042
Stop it! Stop it!

1324
00:51:41,667 --> 00:51:43,208
Bernie is not obsessed

1325
00:51:43,292 --> 00:51:44,542
with Melody Barnaket!

1326
00:51:44,625 --> 00:51:45,500
Thank you, Bals!

1327
00:51:45,792 --> 00:51:46,792
He's threatened by her.

1328
00:51:47,333 --> 00:51:49,417
What? Why the hell would I be threatened

1329
00:51:49,500 --> 00:51:50,833
by that little carpenter's dream?

1330
00:51:51,208 --> 00:51:53,167
Jesus, flat as a board is easy to nail.

1331
00:51:53,250 --> 00:51:53,958
No, she did not!

1332
00:51:54,167 --> 00:51:56,208
Knock it off! Can't you

1333
00:51:56,292 --> 00:51:57,875
see Brian idolizes you?

1334
00:51:58,250 --> 00:52:00,250
Idolize, Burnboy? Oh, I do not!

1335
00:52:00,333 --> 00:52:02,417
Oh, yes, you do. You look up to him

1336
00:52:02,500 --> 00:52:03,333
because he's confident,

1337
00:52:03,417 --> 00:52:04,667
which is something you can never be,

1338
00:52:04,750 --> 00:52:05,875
because you think you're too short.

1339
00:52:06,125 --> 00:52:08,042
He is too short! He should be looking in

1340
00:52:08,125 --> 00:52:10,542
the sky saying, "The plane! The plane!"

1341
00:52:11,292 --> 00:52:12,042
Do something!

1342
00:52:12,417 --> 00:52:13,333
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

1343
00:52:13,583 --> 00:52:14,792
Bernie, you keep running down his dream

1344
00:52:14,875 --> 00:52:16,125
about dating Melody Barnaket

1345
00:52:16,208 --> 00:52:17,875
all threatened by the girl just because

1346
00:52:17,958 --> 00:52:19,208
Brian is in love with her.

1347
00:52:19,292 --> 00:52:20,542
Oh, I never said I was in

1348
00:52:20,625 --> 00:52:21,583
love with Melody Barnaket.

1349
00:52:22,292 --> 00:52:23,083
Well, you are.

1350
00:52:23,917 --> 00:52:24,292
You've been talking

1351
00:52:24,375 --> 00:52:25,292
about her since last summer

1352
00:52:25,375 --> 00:52:25,833
because she makes you

1353
00:52:25,917 --> 00:52:26,875
feel good about yourself.

1354
00:52:27,458 --> 00:52:28,000
She makes you forget

1355
00:52:28,083 --> 00:52:29,125
that you think you're short.

1356
00:52:29,292 --> 00:52:31,042
He's a four-foot freak!

1357
00:52:31,125 --> 00:52:32,500
Pauline, you're a control freak.

1358
00:52:32,750 --> 00:52:33,042
Yeah!

1359
00:52:33,875 --> 00:52:35,042
So you're afraid Brian's gonna start

1360
00:52:35,125 --> 00:52:36,000
spending all his time

1361
00:52:36,083 --> 00:52:37,250
with Melody instead of you.

1362
00:52:37,833 --> 00:52:38,208
Yeah, but you can't

1363
00:52:38,292 --> 00:52:39,125
admit that to yourself

1364
00:52:39,542 --> 00:52:41,375
because you think being a man means being

1365
00:52:41,458 --> 00:52:42,667
tough like major murder.

1366
00:52:44,292 --> 00:52:45,667
What's tougher than fighting your friend

1367
00:52:45,750 --> 00:52:46,667
over the woman you love?

1368
00:52:49,042 --> 00:52:50,542
I know you guys think I'm dumb or

1369
00:52:50,625 --> 00:52:52,083
something, but I am not dumb.

1370
00:52:52,917 --> 00:52:53,750
Okay, I just don't talk

1371
00:52:53,833 --> 00:52:54,583
as much as the two of you

1372
00:52:54,667 --> 00:52:56,083
since you guys never shut the hell up!

1373
00:52:56,458 --> 00:52:57,250
All right.

1374
00:52:57,333 --> 00:52:59,125
So it gives me a lot of

1375
00:52:59,208 --> 00:53:00,125
time to listen, and...

1376
00:53:01,000 --> 00:53:02,333
in all the years I've been listening,

1377
00:53:03,083 --> 00:53:03,792
here's what I've learned.

1378
00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:05,833
You know movies.

1379
00:53:07,792 --> 00:53:08,958
You know women.

1380
00:53:09,583 --> 00:53:10,208
Yeah, I do.

1381
00:53:10,667 --> 00:53:13,292
But I know you guys better than the two

1382
00:53:13,375 --> 00:53:14,208
of you know yourselves.

1383
00:53:15,292 --> 00:53:16,583
So it's time for you to stop looking for

1384
00:53:16,667 --> 00:53:18,167
Bernie's approval on everything.

1385
00:53:20,333 --> 00:53:21,042
It's time for you to start

1386
00:53:21,125 --> 00:53:22,375
letting Brian be his own man.

1387
00:53:23,583 --> 00:53:24,292
By all means.

1388
00:53:25,292 --> 00:53:26,625
And it's time both of you assholes

1389
00:53:26,708 --> 00:53:27,750
apologize to me for

1390
00:53:27,833 --> 00:53:29,042
making fun of my mom's bacon

1391
00:53:29,292 --> 00:53:30,000
even though you ate the

1392
00:53:30,083 --> 00:53:31,208
shit out of it all day!

1393
00:53:33,292 --> 00:53:34,292
You all right?

1394
00:53:55,292 --> 00:53:57,458
Come on.

1395
00:53:58,833 --> 00:53:59,000
Bernie!

1396
00:53:59,583 --> 00:54:01,292
You're adults! Stop talking to me!

1397
00:54:54,583 --> 00:55:08,083
[music]

1398
00:55:14,625 --> 00:55:15,208
Excuse me?

1399
00:55:15,917 --> 00:55:16,333
Excuse me?

1400
00:55:16,833 --> 00:55:17,625
Oh, excuse me!

1401
00:55:18,333 --> 00:55:19,542
Holy shit!

1402
00:55:19,792 --> 00:55:20,500
It is you!

1403
00:55:21,083 --> 00:55:21,792
You'll be a gemarner!

1404
00:55:22,667 --> 00:55:24,000
At ease, you sleaze.

1405
00:55:24,333 --> 00:55:25,750
I'm your biggest fan, I gotta be honest.

1406
00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:27,083
I know all you fights.

1407
00:55:27,167 --> 00:55:29,000
It's a major thank you from Major Murder.

1408
00:55:29,833 --> 00:55:30,625
But I've never seen

1409
00:55:30,708 --> 00:55:31,667
someone really special.

1410
00:55:36,917 --> 00:55:38,250
Uh, is that your daughter?

1411
00:55:38,583 --> 00:55:39,208
My daughter?

1412
00:55:39,750 --> 00:55:40,583
It's my wife!

1413
00:55:41,083 --> 00:55:42,250
I'm sorry, she just

1414
00:55:42,333 --> 00:55:43,417
looks a lot younger than you.

1415
00:55:44,750 --> 00:55:45,292
That's depressing.

1416
00:55:46,292 --> 00:55:46,958
Do I really look that

1417
00:55:47,042 --> 00:55:47,708
much older than her?

1418
00:55:48,292 --> 00:55:48,583
I just...

1419
00:55:49,083 --> 00:55:49,458
I must be able to

1420
00:55:49,542 --> 00:55:50,250
stare away this because...

1421
00:55:50,333 --> 00:55:52,167
Rosie and I went to high school together.

1422
00:55:52,667 --> 00:55:53,625
I started dating when I was a junior and

1423
00:55:53,708 --> 00:55:54,417
she was a sophomore.

1424
00:55:55,250 --> 00:55:56,417
My pal used to razz me

1425
00:55:56,500 --> 00:55:57,417
about her being younger.

1426
00:55:58,000 --> 00:55:59,375
I'm sure you've made your

1427
00:55:59,458 --> 00:56:00,667
murder, those guys, huh?

1428
00:56:01,083 --> 00:56:02,167
Actually, I just cried a lot.

1429
00:56:02,958 --> 00:56:04,583
I may not look like it now, but back in

1430
00:56:04,667 --> 00:56:05,125
high school I was a

1431
00:56:05,208 --> 00:56:06,833
very sensitive fat kid.

1432
00:56:07,583 --> 00:56:08,083
Bullshit.

1433
00:56:08,625 --> 00:56:09,417
No, no, real shit.

1434
00:56:10,292 --> 00:56:12,625
My name's Albert, so I get called Fat

1435
00:56:12,708 --> 00:56:14,083
Albert because of the cartoon.

1436
00:56:15,417 --> 00:56:16,083
Oh, Bill Cosby.

1437
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:18,000
Now that's an American treasure.

1438
00:56:19,292 --> 00:56:21,625
That man will always be beloved.

1439
00:56:22,875 --> 00:56:24,042
So, you know, back in high school I was

1440
00:56:24,125 --> 00:56:25,375
always very sensitive about my weight.

1441
00:56:26,167 --> 00:56:26,375
But...

1442
00:56:26,875 --> 00:56:27,167
Rosie?

1443
00:56:28,292 --> 00:56:29,583
She always made me forget I was fat.

1444
00:56:30,625 --> 00:56:31,917
She always made me feel like I was thin.

1445
00:56:32,667 --> 00:56:34,083
So you made a Mrs. Major Murder.

1446
00:56:34,708 --> 00:56:36,375
Well, actually, Mrs. Albert Holstein.

1447
00:56:37,417 --> 00:56:38,042
Major Murder's real

1448
00:56:38,125 --> 00:56:39,250
name's Albert Holstein?

1449
00:56:39,708 --> 00:56:42,208
Yeah, and a Holstein is a kind of cow.

1450
00:56:42,917 --> 00:56:44,542
So, you know, in high school

1451
00:56:44,625 --> 00:56:46,000
there's a lot of cow names.

1452
00:56:46,917 --> 00:56:47,250
Cow names?

1453
00:56:47,625 --> 00:56:51,500
Yeah, like The Moo Man, Mr. Steak, Utter

1454
00:56:51,583 --> 00:56:53,708
Buddy, you know, Hugh Heffer.

1455
00:56:55,167 --> 00:56:57,583
You had Pasteur Ass, and

1456
00:56:57,667 --> 00:57:00,500
I'd get Milky Tits, Cow Pie.

1457
00:57:01,542 --> 00:57:03,625
Yeah, just a lot of cow-themed cruelty.

1458
00:57:05,542 --> 00:57:12,333
Hey, thanks for being a fan.

1459
00:57:13,708 --> 00:57:15,042
And please don't tell

1460
00:57:15,125 --> 00:57:15,917
anybody how I really talk.

1461
00:57:17,833 --> 00:57:18,792
Or about the cow names.

1462
00:57:25,625 --> 00:57:26,125
Yo, Major!

1463
00:57:28,292 --> 00:57:29,208
You gonna go storm those

1464
00:57:29,292 --> 00:57:30,625
cheeks like it's on the whole beach?

1465
00:57:31,458 --> 00:57:33,583
If you have to ask, then you

1466
00:57:33,667 --> 00:57:35,292
ain't up to the task, soldier!

1467
00:58:18,292 --> 00:58:25,083
What are you doing back

1468
00:58:25,167 --> 00:58:27,167
here? Your ass is banned.

1469
00:58:28,417 --> 00:58:30,042
Which means my life is pretty much over.

1470
00:58:32,750 --> 00:58:33,417
So I'm just thinking about

1471
00:58:33,500 --> 00:58:34,625
hurling myself down the stairs.

1472
00:58:36,375 --> 00:58:37,625
Who are you, Father Cares?

1473
00:58:40,833 --> 00:58:41,667
Is that an Exorcist joke?

1474
00:58:42,167 --> 00:58:42,250
Well, it's not an
Exorcist to the Heretic joke.

1475
00:58:42,333 --> 00:58:43,375
I respect John Borman too much. I'm not a human. Well, it's
not an

1476
00:58:43,458 --> 00:58:44,958
Exorcist to the Heretic joke.

1477
00:58:45,042 --> 00:58:46,750
I respect John Borman too much.

1478
00:58:48,208 --> 00:58:49,500
You know who John Borman is?

1479
00:58:58,292 --> 00:58:59,667
Holy shit.

1480
00:59:05,292 --> 00:59:06,667
The charm of making?

1481
00:59:08,083 --> 00:59:09,000
You've seen Excalibur?

1482
00:59:09,292 --> 00:59:11,208
You think I make three dollars and five

1483
00:59:11,292 --> 00:59:11,917
cents an hour because

1484
00:59:12,000 --> 00:59:13,000
I can't get a real job?

1485
00:59:14,042 --> 00:59:15,250
Movies are my life, dude.

1486
00:59:15,875 --> 00:59:16,958
That's why you work here.

1487
00:59:17,375 --> 00:59:19,083
No, that's why I'm leaving here.

1488
00:59:19,583 --> 00:59:20,875
I'm moving to Providence next week.

1489
00:59:21,708 --> 00:59:22,250
What's in Providence?

1490
00:59:23,542 --> 00:59:24,208
I'm going to the Rhode

1491
00:59:24,292 --> 00:59:25,208
Island School of Design.

1492
00:59:26,000 --> 00:59:26,958
Like Martha Coolidge.

1493
00:59:28,042 --> 00:59:29,167
Martha Coolidge, the director?

1494
00:59:30,208 --> 00:59:32,208
Yeah. You know who Martha Coolidge is?

1495
00:59:32,500 --> 00:59:34,083
Yeah, movies are my life too.

1496
00:59:34,542 --> 00:59:35,708
Valley Girl is in my top ten.

1497
00:59:36,083 --> 00:59:37,583
That guy Nick Cage is a genius.

1498
00:59:38,542 --> 00:59:39,167
Have you seen Birdie?

1499
00:59:39,375 --> 00:59:40,042
Oh yeah, I've seen

1500
00:59:40,125 --> 00:59:41,167
every Alan Parker film.

1501
00:59:42,000 --> 00:59:43,167
You know who Alan Parker is?

1502
00:59:43,542 --> 00:59:43,750
Duh.

1503
00:59:44,292 --> 00:59:46,208
Fame and the Waller is so rad.

1504
00:59:47,458 --> 00:59:50,208
But Martha Coolidge, man, she's my idol.

1505
00:59:50,292 --> 00:59:51,292
I wouldn't be a director like her.

1506
00:59:52,125 --> 00:59:53,167
This is so cool.

1507
00:59:53,500 --> 00:59:54,875
I've never met anyone who

1508
00:59:54,958 --> 00:59:55,917
wanted to be a director before.

1509
00:59:57,042 --> 00:59:57,708
Sure you have.

1510
00:59:58,667 --> 00:59:59,375
Just look in the mirror.

1511
01:00:03,042 --> 01:00:03,208
Me?

1512
01:00:04,583 --> 01:00:04,958
A director?

1513
01:00:05,500 --> 01:00:05,750
Nah.

1514
01:00:06,333 --> 01:00:07,042
I just thought I

1515
01:00:07,125 --> 01:00:07,917
should have gone to movies.

1516
01:00:08,500 --> 01:00:09,917
Yeah, man. That's how it starts.

1517
01:00:12,250 --> 01:00:13,708
Most people come to movies to escape

1518
01:00:13,792 --> 01:00:15,667
their lives, but people like us,

1519
01:00:16,750 --> 01:00:17,500
we come here because

1520
01:00:17,583 --> 01:00:19,833
movies make life make sense.

1521
01:00:21,542 --> 01:00:24,125
Out here, man, the world's full of lies.

1522
01:00:25,375 --> 01:00:27,250
But in there, they tell a

1523
01:00:27,333 --> 01:00:28,333
lie that tells the truth.

1524
01:00:29,208 --> 01:00:30,208
And the truth about you

1525
01:00:30,292 --> 01:00:31,250
and me is we're filmmakers.

1526
01:00:33,292 --> 01:00:35,000
We just haven't made our films.

1527
01:00:37,292 --> 01:00:37,500
Yet.

1528
01:00:48,292 --> 01:00:48,833
Yet.

1529
01:01:09,083 --> 01:01:10,000
Whoa.

1530
01:01:17,292 --> 01:01:18,625
That girl's real, right?

1531
01:01:21,375 --> 01:01:21,458
Thanks.

1532
01:01:27,583 --> 01:01:27,792
Hi.

1533
01:01:28,708 --> 01:01:29,167
Melody Barnigan.

1534
01:01:29,833 --> 01:01:31,125
Hi, Brian David.

1535
01:01:32,292 --> 01:01:33,292
You look...

1536
01:01:34,458 --> 01:01:34,958
...resplendent.

1537
01:01:35,292 --> 01:01:38,708
Okay, Dr. Dictionary.

1538
01:01:40,917 --> 01:01:41,708
Let's go see Buckleak.

1539
01:01:42,000 --> 01:01:44,875
I don't think we can get in.

1540
01:01:45,708 --> 01:01:46,583
Because it's right at our...

1541
01:01:48,500 --> 01:01:50,167
Well, more because I got banned.

1542
01:01:51,792 --> 01:01:54,000
Oh, my God. Like Danny Banks.

1543
01:01:55,958 --> 01:01:56,333
Kind of.

1544
01:01:57,000 --> 01:01:58,250
So how are we gonna see Buckleak?

1545
01:01:58,333 --> 01:01:58,500
Okay.

1546
01:02:01,042 --> 01:02:04,583
I have an idea.

1547
01:02:16,292 --> 01:02:18,000
Let's drop more skin to my shitting.

1548
01:02:19,417 --> 01:02:20,125
Give me a second.

1549
01:02:21,458 --> 01:02:21,667
Okay.

1550
01:02:26,708 --> 01:02:28,500
Excuse me, manager Mike.

1551
01:02:28,958 --> 01:02:29,958
Oh, wow.

1552
01:02:30,667 --> 01:02:31,708
What kid I just banned?

1553
01:02:32,458 --> 01:02:32,667
Hi.

1554
01:02:33,333 --> 01:02:35,333
I wanted to ask you about that.

1555
01:02:35,417 --> 01:02:37,042
I know me and my

1556
01:02:37,125 --> 01:02:39,792
friends were obnoxious today.

1557
01:02:41,375 --> 01:02:44,458
But I stand here before you as a man...

1558
01:02:45,792 --> 01:02:47,292
...to beg you to leave the ban.

1559
01:02:47,875 --> 01:02:48,583
And why would I do that?

1560
01:02:50,292 --> 01:02:51,750
You see that, girl? Yeah?

1561
01:02:52,625 --> 01:02:53,417
That's Melody Barnigan.

1562
01:02:55,583 --> 01:02:57,208
The raddest woman I ever met.

1563
01:02:59,167 --> 01:03:00,083
And last summer I was

1564
01:03:00,167 --> 01:03:01,958
too scared to ask her out.

1565
01:03:02,458 --> 01:03:04,833
But this morning I invited her to the

1566
01:03:04,917 --> 01:03:08,208
movies at your theater and she said yes.

1567
01:03:08,958 --> 01:03:09,417
Congratulations.

1568
01:03:11,042 --> 01:03:11,875
This could be the

1569
01:03:11,958 --> 01:03:13,000
greatest night of my life.

1570
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:16,292
Please lift the ban this one time so we can go to the
movies.

1571
01:03:17,292 --> 01:03:19,917
It'd mean everything to me.

1572
01:03:20,000 --> 01:03:21,375
And I'll do anything.

1573
01:03:21,458 --> 01:03:22,042
I'll leave you more

1574
01:03:22,125 --> 01:03:23,417
here for free or something.

1575
01:03:25,417 --> 01:03:25,500
Please.

1576
01:03:27,042 --> 01:03:27,292
Sir.

1577
01:03:28,792 --> 01:03:29,333
What do you say?

1578
01:03:32,333 --> 01:03:34,250
What do I say?

1579
01:03:35,333 --> 01:03:35,667
I don't know.

1580
01:03:35,750 --> 01:03:36,583
Anybody like that?

1581
01:03:38,250 --> 01:03:40,375
I say Munchkins from the Marielle Land of

1582
01:03:40,458 --> 01:03:42,208
Oz belong on the movie screen.

1583
01:03:42,750 --> 01:03:44,292
Not in my movie theater.

1584
01:03:46,333 --> 01:03:50,542
[laughs]

1585
01:03:50,625 --> 01:03:51,458
Hey!

1586
01:03:52,417 --> 01:03:53,958
Listen up, loser.

1587
01:03:55,000 --> 01:03:56,833
You got a lot of balls calling this guy

1588
01:03:56,917 --> 01:03:57,917
Munchkin when you're

1589
01:03:58,000 --> 01:03:59,167
short as shit yourself.

1590
01:04:01,833 --> 01:04:02,042
How?

1591
01:04:05,833 --> 01:04:07,167
You remind me of my daughter.

1592
01:04:09,292 --> 01:04:11,250
I hate my daughter.

1593
01:04:11,333 --> 01:04:15,667
And you got a lot of nerve talking to me

1594
01:04:15,750 --> 01:04:16,792
like that Minnie Mouse.

1595
01:04:17,833 --> 01:04:18,958
I'm in the movie business.

1596
01:04:19,458 --> 01:04:20,625
I talk to studios.

1597
01:04:21,208 --> 01:04:24,500
So you're just a little kid who looks

1598
01:04:24,583 --> 01:04:27,458
like a daughter that I can't stand.

1599
01:04:28,167 --> 01:04:29,125
So what do you know?

1600
01:04:30,750 --> 01:04:32,125
I know you don't know shit

1601
01:04:32,208 --> 01:04:33,333
about the movie business.

1602
01:04:34,250 --> 01:04:35,625
Because if you did you wouldn't act like

1603
01:04:35,708 --> 01:04:37,208
such a poser and drive around in your

1604
01:04:37,292 --> 01:04:38,667
stupid looking movie movie.

1605
01:04:39,292 --> 01:04:40,000
Okay.

1606
01:04:41,125 --> 01:04:41,958
He's not a Munchkin.

1607
01:04:42,583 --> 01:04:43,500
He's a nice guy.

1608
01:04:44,375 --> 01:04:45,542
Something you don't understand at all

1609
01:04:45,625 --> 01:04:47,000
because you are an asshole.

1610
01:04:52,833 --> 01:04:53,000
Now?

1611
01:04:54,542 --> 01:04:55,208
Well let me tell you

1612
01:04:55,292 --> 01:04:56,042
something, little girl.

1613
01:04:56,250 --> 01:04:59,333
Now, you're banned for life too.

1614
01:04:59,708 --> 01:05:02,500
You and Bilbo Baggins here are never

1615
01:05:02,583 --> 01:05:03,500
getting inside my

1616
01:05:03,583 --> 01:05:05,542
movie theater ever again.

1617
01:05:06,667 --> 01:05:07,333
Clap to that.

1618
01:05:08,375 --> 01:05:09,292
Clap to that.

1619
01:05:10,292 --> 01:05:10,500
Clap.

1620
01:05:20,125 --> 01:05:24,167
Ah!

1621
01:05:29,500 --> 01:05:30,208
Oh my God!

1622
01:05:31,083 --> 01:05:31,458
Oh my...

1623
01:05:32,208 --> 01:05:35,333
Oh my movie movie!

1624
01:05:36,042 --> 01:05:36,750
No!

1625
01:05:38,292 --> 01:05:39,000
No!

1626
01:05:40,333 --> 01:05:40,583
Are you okay?

1627
01:05:41,583 --> 01:05:42,500
Get inside.

1628
01:05:43,083 --> 01:05:43,917
The party just crashed the

1629
01:05:44,000 --> 01:05:44,917
structure in the movie movie.

1630
01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:46,292
Add the distraction so

1631
01:05:46,375 --> 01:05:47,583
you guys can get inside.

1632
01:05:48,000 --> 01:05:49,333
So, get inside.

1633
01:05:57,292 --> 01:05:59,458
Oh, this stupid car in my truck!

1634
01:06:02,292 --> 01:06:06,583
I only have eight more payments on it.

1635
01:06:07,958 --> 01:06:08,875
Oh, yay!

1636
01:06:10,333 --> 01:06:12,083
Oh my God!

1637
01:06:14,792 --> 01:06:17,042
Hey, Pat Benatar, this is rated R movie.

1638
01:06:17,125 --> 01:06:17,750
You can't come in here.

1639
01:06:18,042 --> 01:06:18,750
Some guy just crashed

1640
01:06:18,833 --> 01:06:19,750
into the movie movie though.

1641
01:06:19,833 --> 01:06:20,458
No way, really?

1642
01:06:20,875 --> 01:06:21,417
Ha ha!

1643
01:06:21,500 --> 01:06:22,292
There is a God!

1644
01:06:23,833 --> 01:06:25,667
Come in.

1645
01:06:27,292 --> 01:06:27,833
Here.

1646
01:06:28,958 --> 01:06:29,750
Sorry, excuse me.

1647
01:06:30,292 --> 01:06:32,292
Excuse me.

1648
01:06:33,542 --> 01:06:34,792
Holy shit.

1649
01:06:35,583 --> 01:06:37,042
That was the most

1650
01:06:37,125 --> 01:06:38,292
amazing thing I ever did.

1651
01:06:39,292 --> 01:06:40,208
You totally tore that

1652
01:06:40,292 --> 01:06:41,375
asshole, a new asshole.

1653
01:06:42,375 --> 01:06:43,375
He deserves it.

1654
01:06:43,875 --> 01:06:44,792
I hate boys.

1655
01:06:47,458 --> 01:06:48,083
You're amazing.

1656
01:06:49,000 --> 01:06:49,583
Melody Barnigan.

1657
01:06:55,292 --> 01:06:58,875
Took all day, but here we are.

1658
01:07:03,292 --> 01:07:05,125
We're finally gonna see our 4.30 movie.

1659
01:07:06,208 --> 01:07:07,292
And nobody's gonna stop us.

1660
01:07:08,125 --> 01:07:08,875
Is that so?

1661
01:07:10,917 --> 01:07:11,208
Mom?

1662
01:07:12,083 --> 01:07:13,500
What the hell are you doing here?

1663
01:07:14,708 --> 01:07:15,917
We're here to see Astro Blaster.

1664
01:07:16,250 --> 01:07:17,000
You're so full of

1665
01:07:17,083 --> 01:07:17,958
shit your eyes are brown.

1666
01:07:18,042 --> 01:07:19,083
This is an Astro Blaster.

1667
01:07:19,583 --> 01:07:20,625
This is Bucklek.

1668
01:07:20,708 --> 01:07:22,083
And Bucklek is rated R.

1669
01:07:23,292 --> 01:07:25,250
What are you doing here, Melody?

1670
01:07:25,792 --> 01:07:26,625
Bucklek is rated R.

1671
01:07:26,958 --> 01:07:27,458
She said she's going

1672
01:07:27,542 --> 01:07:28,417
to see Astro Blaster,

1673
01:07:28,500 --> 01:07:29,417
but she's sneaking into R

1674
01:07:29,500 --> 01:07:30,542
rated movies with this guy.

1675
01:07:31,125 --> 01:07:32,417
Mm, so much drama.

1676
01:07:32,625 --> 01:07:33,750
We're supposed to be seeing a comedy.

1677
01:07:34,875 --> 01:07:35,958
This is why I told you

1678
01:07:36,042 --> 01:07:36,250
we should have gone home

1679
01:07:36,333 --> 01:07:38,125
when Poltergeist 2 wasn't playing.

1680
01:07:38,208 --> 01:07:41,500
Wait a minute.

1681
01:07:42,833 --> 01:07:43,458
You came to see

1682
01:07:43,542 --> 01:07:44,750
Poltergeist 2 with Aunt Connie?

1683
01:07:46,250 --> 01:07:47,667
You said you had to see it with me.

1684
01:07:47,958 --> 01:07:49,542
Don't turn us around, okay?

1685
01:07:49,625 --> 01:07:51,000
You're the one in trouble here, Missy.

1686
01:07:52,958 --> 01:07:54,542
I love you with you after Bucklek.

1687
01:07:55,625 --> 01:07:56,875
Get the hell out of here before I call

1688
01:07:56,958 --> 01:07:57,792
the manager and have you banned.

1689
01:07:58,792 --> 01:07:59,375
So fair.

1690
01:08:01,667 --> 01:08:02,375
Can you believe this?

1691
01:08:02,667 --> 01:08:03,917
Finally, it's kinda cute.

1692
01:08:05,292 --> 01:08:06,708
Your mom looks pretty pissed.

1693
01:08:07,042 --> 01:08:07,500
She is pissed?

1694
01:08:08,042 --> 01:08:08,792
Well, I'm pissed too.

1695
01:08:09,000 --> 01:08:09,833
Who does she think she is?

1696
01:08:09,917 --> 01:08:11,125
Yelling at me in front of you and

1697
01:08:11,208 --> 01:08:11,958
everybody in the theater?

1698
01:08:12,542 --> 01:08:13,333
She's the one trying to

1699
01:08:13,417 --> 01:08:14,833
see Poltergeist 2 without me.

1700
01:08:15,292 --> 01:08:16,083
What do you want to do?

1701
01:08:16,500 --> 01:08:17,792
Have sex and get pregnant.

1702
01:08:18,292 --> 01:08:19,042
That'll show her.

1703
01:08:20,167 --> 01:08:20,708
That's what you need?

1704
01:08:20,792 --> 01:08:21,833
No, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

1705
01:08:22,417 --> 01:08:22,708
Yeah.

1706
01:08:23,667 --> 01:08:24,125
Are you sure?

1707
01:08:24,417 --> 01:08:24,958
Let's go.

1708
01:08:26,333 --> 01:08:28,375
She treats me like I'm a baby.

1709
01:08:29,500 --> 01:08:30,708
I can't stand it.

1710
01:08:31,375 --> 01:08:32,625
Shouldn't we get you home

1711
01:08:32,708 --> 01:08:33,250
so you don't get in trouble?

1712
01:08:33,333 --> 01:08:35,208
No, I'm already in trouble.

1713
01:08:36,458 --> 01:08:37,958
And the minute I get home, I'm gonna be

1714
01:08:38,042 --> 01:08:40,000
grounded for the rest of my life.

1715
01:08:45,375 --> 01:08:47,958
So I might as well enjoy it today.

1716
01:08:50,750 --> 01:08:51,000
Gracie!

1717
01:08:52,750 --> 01:08:53,292
What? What?

1718
01:09:04,292 --> 01:09:05,875
Doesn't it feel great to run?

1719
01:09:08,625 --> 01:09:10,417
It's just all across the country.

1720
01:09:11,083 --> 01:09:13,417
I think I'm having a hard day.

1721
01:09:14,750 --> 01:09:16,542
Raise your arms above your head.

1722
01:09:19,917 --> 01:09:20,667
And you get up.

1723
01:09:24,458 --> 01:09:27,875
You ever think about what you want to be

1724
01:09:27,958 --> 01:09:29,292
when you grow up, Brian Davis?

1725
01:09:30,292 --> 01:09:32,042
Toss, toss.

1726
01:09:33,958 --> 01:09:35,583
What do you want to be?

1727
01:09:37,750 --> 01:09:38,542
I want to be a dean.

1728
01:09:40,750 --> 01:09:42,417
Like a dean at a college?

1729
01:09:44,333 --> 01:09:45,167
You want to be the guy that's always

1730
01:09:45,250 --> 01:09:47,458
giving animals a hard time?

1731
01:09:48,292 --> 01:09:48,792
No.

1732
01:09:50,583 --> 01:09:51,875
I want to be the girl that's always

1733
01:09:51,958 --> 01:09:53,625
giving animals a hard time.

1734
01:09:56,792 --> 01:09:57,667
I never knew anybody

1735
01:09:57,750 --> 01:09:58,292
who wanted to be a dean.

1736
01:09:59,875 --> 01:10:02,875
That's so...weird.

1737
01:10:05,375 --> 01:10:06,500
So what do you want to do?

1738
01:10:07,542 --> 01:10:08,542
And don't say me.

1739
01:10:15,250 --> 01:10:15,917
I want to be a writer.

1740
01:10:17,542 --> 01:10:17,875
Why think?

1741
01:10:18,750 --> 01:10:19,875
I can see that.

1742
01:10:23,292 --> 01:10:24,958
I love to read the stuff you wrote in my

1743
01:10:25,042 --> 01:10:25,292
yearbook last summer.

1744
01:10:26,292 --> 01:10:29,708
You started out making fun of what

1745
01:10:29,792 --> 01:10:31,208
everybody else said.

1746
01:10:32,125 --> 01:10:35,958
You wrote, "Have a great summer. See you

1747
01:10:36,042 --> 01:10:38,625
over the summer. Summer of the year."

1748
01:10:39,000 --> 01:10:41,250
And then I signed a summer program.

1749
01:10:42,333 --> 01:10:43,792
I was hysterical.

1750
01:10:47,750 --> 01:10:50,542
But then you filled a whole page telling

1751
01:10:50,625 --> 01:10:51,292
me how adorable I am.

1752
01:10:52,292 --> 01:10:57,500
And how super nice and smart.

1753
01:11:01,542 --> 01:11:03,000
My mom read it.

1754
01:11:04,667 --> 01:11:05,542
And she said it was beautiful.

1755
01:11:09,250 --> 01:11:11,542
So yeah, you're totally

1756
01:11:11,625 --> 01:11:12,792
going to be a writer someday.

1757
01:11:15,458 --> 01:11:15,708
Man.

1758
01:11:17,042 --> 01:11:18,292
How do you...you're always so positive.

1759
01:11:18,417 --> 01:11:23,667
Not as much as I'm not negative.

1760
01:11:25,542 --> 01:11:26,667
Does anything make you sad?

1761
01:11:27,917 --> 01:11:29,875
Like what about a nuclear war?

1762
01:11:31,542 --> 01:11:33,375
With the Russians drop the bomb on us

1763
01:11:33,458 --> 01:11:36,417
today, my mom can't ground me.

1764
01:11:37,458 --> 01:11:40,542
See? You do that. You're...you're all

1765
01:11:40,625 --> 01:11:41,542
about the silver liners.

1766
01:11:43,167 --> 01:11:44,250
Like...everything went wrong for me today.

1767
01:11:44,333 --> 01:11:46,667
But then... everything went wrong for me today.

1768
01:11:47,875 --> 01:11:50,250
But then you came along

1769
01:11:50,333 --> 01:11:51,500
and made it all better.

1770
01:11:53,167 --> 01:11:55,667
If everything went right today, you and

1771
01:11:55,750 --> 01:11:57,000
me would be watching Buckleck.

1772
01:11:59,542 --> 01:12:01,083
But this is way better.

1773
01:12:03,250 --> 01:12:04,333
I said almost perfect.

1774
01:12:07,000 --> 01:12:07,208
Yeah?

1775
01:12:08,708 --> 01:12:09,292
Yeah.

1776
01:12:18,375 --> 01:12:18,583
Then...

1777
01:12:21,000 --> 01:12:23,625
Will you go out with me?

1778
01:12:24,750 --> 01:12:25,208
Melody Barga?

1779
01:12:26,375 --> 01:12:27,667
We are out, Brian Davis.

1780
01:12:29,250 --> 01:12:30,292
I mean his boyfriend-girlfriend.

1781
01:12:30,958 --> 01:12:32,167
I didn't know what you meant.

1782
01:12:34,292 --> 01:12:35,292
Then I don't know.

1783
01:12:37,292 --> 01:12:45,333
Is it because I'm short?

1784
01:12:47,083 --> 01:12:47,292
Jesus.

1785
01:12:48,292 --> 01:12:49,667
Did you just stop with that shit?

1786
01:12:50,833 --> 01:12:52,458
I don't think of you as short.

1787
01:12:53,667 --> 01:12:54,792
Then what do you think of me, Anna?

1788
01:12:57,208 --> 01:12:58,208
I think of you as...

1789
01:13:01,375 --> 01:13:02,250
the most interesting guy I ever met.

1790
01:13:02,333 --> 01:13:04,083
I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy.
I'm not the best interesting guy I ever met.

1791
01:13:06,958 --> 01:13:08,667
All this stuff you talk about...

1792
01:13:10,000 --> 01:13:12,000
the way you see the world...

1793
01:13:13,792 --> 01:13:15,208
what you wrote in my yearbook...

1794
01:13:19,625 --> 01:13:20,500
you always make me think...

1795
01:13:22,792 --> 01:13:23,375
and laugh.

1796
01:13:25,500 --> 01:13:26,125
And you're like the

1797
01:13:26,208 --> 01:13:27,708
funniest person I know.

1798
01:13:28,292 --> 01:13:28,542
Yeah?

1799
01:13:33,000 --> 01:13:34,500
The only place you come up short...

1800
01:13:36,042 --> 01:13:37,792
is in how little you know about girls.

1801
01:13:40,083 --> 01:13:41,542
Because I was gonna let you get to second

1802
01:13:41,625 --> 01:13:43,500
base in my pool last summer...

1803
01:13:45,083 --> 01:13:46,750
and then I never heard from you again.

1804
01:13:48,667 --> 01:13:49,458
Until today.

1805
01:13:50,292 --> 01:13:51,500
Yeah, but I've been thinking about you

1806
01:13:51,583 --> 01:13:52,542
ever since that day.

1807
01:13:52,875 --> 01:13:55,125
I'm so full of shit. Your eyes are brown.

1808
01:13:57,292 --> 01:13:58,792
You really expect me to believe you

1809
01:13:58,875 --> 01:14:01,292
thought about me for an entire year?

1810
01:14:02,500 --> 01:14:03,375
Or ever?

1811
01:14:09,000 --> 01:14:10,875
Oh my God, are you like pulling it out?

1812
01:14:15,667 --> 01:14:16,375
Is that a tape recorder?

1813
01:14:18,417 --> 01:14:19,750
It's a writing thing.

1814
01:14:20,833 --> 01:14:22,833
I read that real writers use a tape

1815
01:14:22,917 --> 01:14:23,458
recorder to help

1816
01:14:23,542 --> 01:14:25,333
organize important thoughts.

1817
01:14:27,542 --> 01:14:28,292
Important thoughts like this.

1818
01:14:29,292 --> 01:14:31,875
Beatbox pricing!

1819
01:14:32,708 --> 01:14:33,417
Shit!

1820
01:14:35,833 --> 01:14:42,500
I finally called Melody Beinegett and

1821
01:14:42,583 --> 01:14:43,958
invited her out to the movies.

1822
01:14:44,542 --> 01:14:44,750
Why?

1823
01:14:46,500 --> 01:14:46,708
Lask.

1824
01:14:47,833 --> 01:14:48,500
One word.

1825
01:14:50,750 --> 01:14:50,958
Love.

1826
01:14:54,083 --> 01:14:55,292
I got 24 karat case of love.

1827
01:14:58,333 --> 01:15:03,458
[music]

1828
01:15:03,542 --> 01:15:05,125
You're like the coolest girl I ever met.

1829
01:15:08,458 --> 01:15:09,958
And all I wanna do is...

1830
01:15:10,667 --> 01:15:11,958
is watch movies with you.

1831
01:15:16,917 --> 01:15:19,083
I wanna watch movies with you too.

1832
01:15:24,083 --> 01:15:24,375
And...

1833
01:15:25,292 --> 01:15:25,917
Hey!

1834
01:15:28,333 --> 01:15:40,958
[music]

1835
01:15:48,292 --> 01:15:50,917
So is this me or my

1836
01:15:51,000 --> 01:15:52,125
boyfriend or girlfriend now?

1837
01:15:52,958 --> 01:15:55,292
I hope so.

1838
01:15:56,292 --> 01:15:59,167
Because if I was ever gonna make a movie

1839
01:15:59,250 --> 01:16:00,958
about today, that's how

1840
01:16:01,042 --> 01:16:03,458
I'd want the movie to end.

1841
01:16:03,542 --> 01:16:05,458
Yeah? You think today

1842
01:16:05,542 --> 01:16:06,417
could ever be a movie?

1843
01:16:07,917 --> 01:16:10,000
As long as there are end credits. And a

1844
01:16:10,083 --> 01:16:12,250
song. Today could totally be a movie.

1845
01:16:13,458 --> 01:16:15,250
[music]

1846
01:16:15,333 --> 01:16:25,250
[music]

1847
01:16:25,333 --> 01:16:56,042
[music] [music]

1848
01:17:02,292 --> 01:17:02,958
Yes or no?

1849
01:17:04,250 --> 01:17:05,083
I say yes.

1850
01:17:05,500 --> 01:17:05,917
Why?

1851
01:17:06,375 --> 01:17:07,292
Because I can tell

1852
01:17:07,375 --> 01:17:08,625
you really wanna do it.

1853
01:17:08,708 --> 01:17:09,667
What if I'm not good at it?

1854
01:17:10,000 --> 01:17:12,292
Then I can teach you. I have experience.

1855
01:17:13,292 --> 01:17:16,000
Then I'm like a virgin.

1856
01:17:16,292 --> 01:17:18,583
Yeah. You got that right.

1857
01:17:19,083 --> 01:17:19,875
Oh yeah!

1858
01:17:20,292 --> 01:17:20,792
Yeah!

1859
01:17:22,667 --> 01:17:23,583
Miss melody.

1860
01:17:23,667 --> 01:17:24,458
Sir Bernie.

1861
01:17:24,708 --> 01:17:27,458
So, did he go in? Yeah.

1862
01:17:28,000 --> 01:17:29,042
He's hesitating.

1863
01:17:30,333 --> 01:17:33,042
You got this. You just... you get in

1864
01:17:33,125 --> 01:17:34,208
there. How you doing?

1865
01:17:34,625 --> 01:17:35,417
Well, watch.

1866
01:17:35,833 --> 01:17:37,125
Well, I definitely can't do

1867
01:17:37,208 --> 01:17:38,000
it with everybody watching.

1868
01:17:38,417 --> 01:17:41,000
Yes, you can. You're full of BDE.

1869
01:17:43,292 --> 01:17:45,792
It's Brian David energy.

1870
01:17:46,292 --> 01:17:48,125
That's cute.

1871
01:17:49,583 --> 01:17:51,208
Come on, Bri. Booby. The sooner you get

1872
01:17:51,292 --> 01:17:52,292
this over with, the sooner

1873
01:17:52,375 --> 01:17:53,417
we get to go to the diner.

1874
01:17:53,500 --> 01:17:54,292
Where I have a pork roll egg

1875
01:17:54,375 --> 01:17:55,917
and cheese with my name on it.

1876
01:17:56,000 --> 01:17:58,000
They can write asshole in a Kaiser room?

1877
01:17:59,500 --> 01:18:02,125
You're funny, but you're lucky, right?

1878
01:18:02,208 --> 01:18:03,833
You're lucky that I have as much respect

1879
01:18:03,917 --> 01:18:05,875
as I do for the lovely Miss Melody here.

1880
01:18:06,333 --> 01:18:08,625
Otherwise, I just might have to put the

1881
01:18:08,708 --> 01:18:09,542
rippling dead on you.

1882
01:18:09,917 --> 01:18:10,708
Yeah, are we wrestling?

1883
01:18:10,792 --> 01:18:11,250
No! No!

1884
01:18:11,333 --> 01:18:13,292
Nobody's wrestling. Nobody's wrestling. Nobody's wrestling.

1885
01:18:13,375 --> 01:18:13,583
We're not.

1886
01:18:13,667 --> 01:18:14,375
All right. Take it to

1887
01:18:14,458 --> 01:18:15,500
Def Con 5 War Games.

1888
01:18:18,083 --> 01:18:19,042
Are you ready to do this?

1889
01:18:22,042 --> 01:18:22,417
I'm nervous.

1890
01:18:23,708 --> 01:18:24,750
Jesus, Bri. We're not

1891
01:18:24,833 --> 01:18:26,333
talking about circumcision here.

1892
01:18:26,917 --> 01:18:29,583
You're just applying for a shitty job.

1893
01:18:29,667 --> 01:18:30,708
You go in there, you fill out the

1894
01:18:30,792 --> 01:18:32,083
bullshit form, you come

1895
01:18:32,167 --> 01:18:34,042
out, we go eat. Right?

1896
01:18:35,500 --> 01:18:38,500
What do you think, babe?

1897
01:18:39,333 --> 01:18:40,250
Yeah, come on, babe.

1898
01:18:40,333 --> 01:18:41,250
What do you think?

1899
01:18:41,833 --> 01:18:42,083
Yeah, babe.

1900
01:18:42,292 --> 01:18:43,958
Yeah, babe. What's up, babe?

1901
01:18:52,125 --> 01:18:52,292
It's your turn.