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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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On Christmas Sunday,
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I went to the airport
to fly to Vegas to perform.
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I got there. Flight was delayed an hour.
Then the flight was delayed three hours.
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Then the flight was delayed five hours.
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{\an8}Then the flight was canceled,
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{\an8}which canceled my show in Vegas,
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where people had bought tickets to see me
as Christmas presents, right?
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So, because of that shit right there...
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...I have decided to dedicate
the next 20 minutes of my performance
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to the motherfucking airline,
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air travel,
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people's behavior
on the motherfucking airline,
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and all that shit.
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Town Biz, that's what's up.
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Okay.
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First... I wanna start from the inside out.
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Let's talk about
these goddamn seat belts, shall we?
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And I just want to say,
first of all, American and Delta,
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God bless you.
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You don't know what them
four extra inches mean to a bitch like me.
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But I don't know what man
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designed these fucking seat belts
in the first place.
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Why come-- What kind of map--
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Why-- Why this strap this long?
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This strap ain't but
two goddamn inches long?
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You got to be a contortionist
to get this motherfucker...
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I almost fuckin' threw my back out,
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trying to fasten
my motherfucking seat belt.
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And if you ask for an extension,
the bitch act like it's a dope deal.
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"Here, take it, take it, take it."
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The fuck?
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Why don't the motherfucker
fasten in the middle?
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Don't that make more goddamn sense?
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Yes!
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Because people are getting fatter
in the United States of America,
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and they need to
govern themselves accordingly.
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Amen.
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The tray-to-titty ratio.
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No. That's not working for me neither.
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Big titties are back,
and they're here to stay.
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I... I just think that the airline
need to make some adjustments.
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Put some cutouts
in the fucking tray or something.
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No, that's discrimination. Fuck that.
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The announcement that they make when some...
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some emergency occurs on the plane,
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they say, "In the case of emergency,
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a mask is gonna come down."
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"Place the mask over your mouth first
before you attempt to help anybody else."
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You know what? Hey, check this.
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Some shit don't need to be said.
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Of course I'm gonna put it
over my motherfucking mouth first!
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The fuck you think this is?
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I'm fighting for my motherfucking life
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up in these
motherfucking clouds, goddamn it!
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"I'mma help you out.
Let me get situated first."
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Mm-hmm.
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Then they say,
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"Place the mask over your mouth
and breathe normally."
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We are plunging
to the motherfucking ground, bitch!
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780 miles an hour!
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"Breathe more normally?"
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I'm... I'm sparked!
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I'm about to start stabbing
every motherfucker in this bitch.
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"Breathe normally"? The fuck?
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Then they say,
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"Oxygen is flowing through the mask,
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even though the bag may not inflate."
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Now, this bitch
just think we stupid,
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like... she'll tell us
any motherfucking thing.
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We about to die.
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There is nothing you can blow on or in,
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not a balloon, not a bag,
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not a dick, not nothing
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that's not going to, uh, swell and...
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That bitch just want us
to put the mask over our mouth
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to muffle the screams as we're going down.
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She don't wanna hear that shit.
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"Oh, we're gonna die! Oh fuck!"
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She don't wanna hear it.
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Ladies and gentlemen...
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I want you to know that your air travel
is safer than it's ever been before.
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"Why, Luenell"?
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I'll tell you.
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Because I, Luenell,
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am up in the motherfucking sky regulating
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just like I do on the goddamn ground.
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That's right.
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I am a self-appointed,
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unofficial air marshal.
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I've been on orange alert since 9/12.
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Orange alert.
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I see every motherfucking thing
moving on the goddamn plane.
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First thing I do when I step on the bitch,
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I stick my head
in that motherfucking cockpit.
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Yeah, I wanna see who driving this buggy.
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That's right, girl.
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"How y'all doing? Y'all get enough sleep?"
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"Ain't nobody fighting with the old lady
or no shit like that, are you?"
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"Okay."
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I, uh...
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I sit on the aisle.
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In case some shit pop off.
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I'm not gonna be hemmed up over there
by that goddamn window.
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Hey, Black people, y'all remember
when we used to say "hemmed up"?
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"That motherfucker had me hemmed up
down to the liquor store."
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"I was almost late for work
fucking with him."
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You know what?
I think that I'm gonna bring back
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some of that old slang.
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No... But, no, because, you know,
the young boys I fuck with, they...
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they say my mouth is reckless, and...
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they say that I have
a harsh delivery, and...
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they say that I say
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"fuck" too much.
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And I be trying to tell
these little motherfuckers, "Listen."
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"Babe, I-- I love you. I do."
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"And I would love to make love with you."
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"I would love for you to make love to me."
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"But in full transparency,
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uh, I'm really just trying to get fucked
real quick before I get on this plane."
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"Because in the words
of the great prophet Tupac Shakur,
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'I only got one night in town, baby doll.
Are you down?'"
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"'I get around.'"
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And there is a plethora
of little motherfuckers out there
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because, guess what?
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♪ I got hoes ♪
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♪ I got hoes ♪
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♪ In different area, area codes ♪
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♪ I got hoes ♪
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Hey!
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♪ Hoes ♪
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White people, if you don't know that song,
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that's an old Negro spiritual.
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Written and performed
by the great gospel singer Nate Dogg.
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Motherfucker, you can't know
every goddamn thing.
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Nate, we love you.
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So,
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being on the plane,
there are certain behaviors
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that I would like to address.
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First of all...
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Uh... Oh, wait a minute. Sorry.
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You know, these edibles,
let me tell you something...
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No, don't eat... don't eat the little bear.
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That little bitch,
the little bear, the gummy bear,
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stay away from her. She's the devil.
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But wait a minute.
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So, uh, back to the...
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Okay, so my mouth.
My mouth, my mouth, my mouth, my mouth.
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So I say "fuck" too much,
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so I tried to appease
the little young motherfucker, right,
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and I said,
"Okay, so I won't say 'fuck' so much."
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So I wanna bring back...
an old phrase that we used to say.
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I wanna bring back "do it."
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Ooh, that used to be all it took.
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Do it!
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Remember, brothers,
they'd be like, "Ay. Ay."
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"Ay."
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"Ay."
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"Ay. Ay."
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"You wanna do it?"
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Bitches be like, "Oh yeah."
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We'd be on the phone with...
We'd be on the phone with our girlfriends,
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and we'd be like,
"Girl, I think I'mma let him do it to me."
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And I know, I know there's some
of y'all in here gonna be lucky enough
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to go home with some other people in here,
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and you might go to sleep.
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But in the wee hours of the morning,
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my little deep voice
gonna come up in your head,
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and you might wake your partner up
and look at him and say, "Hey, babe, babe,
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let's do it!"
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Whoo!
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And you bitches better do it, too,
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because that's what the men be
talking about if y'all don't wanna do it.
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You should do it when they want to do it.
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Okay.
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So, as an unofficial air marshal...
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I do take my job very seriously,
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and there are certain behaviors
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that need to be addressed,
I feel, on the plane.
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First of all, I'mma just put it out there.
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I don't like you corporate fucks.
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You get on the motherfucking plane
with your anal ass,
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and you go sit maybe next to me
by the window,
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and you put your seat belt on, maybe,
and then you put your tray down.
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You put your laptop down.
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Motherfucking five-hour flight
from Oakland to goddamn New York City,
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the whole time, this motherfucker...
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The whole motherfucking time!
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I sat next to one of these
psycho motherfuckers about a week ago,
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and I straight up asked him.
I said, "Excuse me, are you on meth?"
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No, because this motherfucker
didn't look out the window.
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He didn't drink no water.
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He didn't go to the bathroom.
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He didn't look at me.
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He didn't eat shit.
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He didn't put his seat back.
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He didn't listen to no music.
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I be looking over
at that motherfucking laptop,
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it be a bunch of bullshit too!
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"What the fuck
is all that shit any-goddamn-way?"
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Also,
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I feel
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if you enter into a closed space,
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like maybe an airline row
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or a church pew or a movie theater seat,
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but mostly
I'm talking about airline seats.
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If you are the interloper,
and if you coming in,
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sitting where there was other people
who had to allow you in,
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I think it is your job
as a fucking human being
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to at least acknowledge the presence
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00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,837
of the motherfucker
that you sitting next to.
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00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:21,258
Don't act like you not sitting next to
a whole-ass human being.
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It don't take nothing to say,
"Hi, how are you today?"
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00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:29,350
Now, that don't mean I wanna talk
to your bitch-ass all the way to Boston.
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00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:33,187
I don't wanna see a picture
of your dog or no shit like that.
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I'm just saying
you should motherfucking speak.
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Because let some shit go down,
now you up around my neck.
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00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:41,821
"Help me! Save me!"
220
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,614
"No, bitch, you should've spoke."
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00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:45,950
"You don't remember me, right?
I'm not here, right?"
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00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:47,409
"I don't exist, right?"
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00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,788
"Fuck you, bitch.
You on your own. Good luck, bitch."
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00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:52,373
"You're on your own."
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00:13:56,877 --> 00:13:59,797
And, yes, white people,
I'm talking to you.
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I got a thing. I got a thing, okay?
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00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:21,610
I got a thing. I like to fly
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00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:25,406
with the window shade up.
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00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:28,784
Not just over here.
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Over here too.
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00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:47,052
"I'm a motherfucking air marshal,
and all this shit is me."
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00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,054
"This row, this is all me."
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00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:53,934
You know, I like to see the takeoff
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00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:56,270
and the landing.
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I don't know, I feel like I got
something to do with this shit, you know?
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00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,109
And turbulence too.
237
00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:03,402
Turbulence come,
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00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:05,696
I'm looking out that motherfucking window.
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00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,073
People be like,
"Luenell, you can't see turbulence."
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00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,742
How you know if you don't look?
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00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,119
I might be the bitch to see it,
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00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:14,705
and I'd be like,
"See? Turbulence. Told you."
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00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:23,589
Now, every now and then,
I might say "sidebar."
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00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:25,507
If I say "sidebar,"
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00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:29,178
that mean these edibles got me
thinking about three different thoughts
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00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:31,847
at the same motherfucking time,
and I gotta take...
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00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,850
But I'll be back, you know, talking about
what I'm talking about. Okay.
248
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,978
So, about a month ago,
249
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,563
I'm riding first class.
250
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,607
By the way, it took a long time
251
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:44,318
for this East, West,
and North Oakland bitch
252
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:49,615
to be able to command first-class tickets
every-motherfucking-where I go.
253
00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:52,451
But, believe you me, if you see me,
254
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,870
that's how the fuck I got here.
255
00:15:56,789 --> 00:16:00,167
Plus, I knew some shit had to change.
256
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:02,753
'Cause I got tired
of getting on the goddamn plane,
257
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:04,755
walking past my motherfucking friends.
258
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:07,216
"What's up, Ced? How you doing, D.L.?"
259
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,385
"Yeah, I'm back here in 36C."
260
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,178
"The fuck?"
261
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:15,766
"We're on the same show.
Gonna talk to my people."
262
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:22,356
So, a couple of months ago...
263
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:24,858
Let me set this shit up.
264
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:28,696
Let me set this shit up... real quick.
265
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:29,989
A couple of months ago,
266
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:33,575
see, you be in first class,
you got your little cocktail.
267
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,706
I'm sitting on the aisle, you know,
doing my motherfucking air marshal shit.
268
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:42,584
And being in everybody's business
because, check this out,
269
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:47,631
I do-- While everybody's fucking around
and plugging into the Internet,
270
00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,216
I take a mental Rolodex
271
00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:52,511
of every motherfucker
stepping on this bitch.
272
00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:19,747
Lady with two kids.
273
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:21,749
Oh, sidebar.
274
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,378
Okay. Um...
275
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:32,718
This portion of the show is called
"What Black Women Be Thinking."
276
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,222
Now, I don't wanna
make this a racial thing.
277
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:42,019
I'm just saying that, okay,
you know, white ladies and other,
278
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,606
if you come into a place well-clothed,
279
00:17:45,689 --> 00:17:49,068
if you in the frozen food section
of a grocery store,
280
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:51,862
or you in an airport
and you getting on a plane,
281
00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:55,866
and if you're fully clothed,
and your baby ain't got no socks on,
282
00:17:57,242 --> 00:18:00,454
Black women, we get in a corner,
and we talk shit about you.
283
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:06,710
We be like, we be like,
284
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:10,047
"Look at that raggedy-ass bitch
ain't got no socks on the baby."
285
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,342
"Fucking bitch.
Look at the little bald head."
286
00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:15,344
"It's cold in here. He need a hat on."
287
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,722
We be judgy as a motherfucker.
288
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,476
And I-- Okay. But I'm--
289
00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:24,561
But to your credit,
290
00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:27,356
dig this, I grew up
291
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,192
always seeing
292
00:18:30,984 --> 00:18:32,820
one shoe in the street.
293
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:35,572
And I wondered,
294
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:39,618
"Where's the other fucking shoe?"
295
00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:43,997
"Why did both shoes not fall out?
I don't understand."
296
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:47,417
And then I had a baby.
297
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:53,173
And you guys just got
this motherfucking child-lock shit down
298
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:55,634
a few years ago.
299
00:18:55,717 --> 00:18:57,094
But before then,
300
00:18:57,177 --> 00:19:01,140
the minute these little bastards
could reach out the fucking car seat,
301
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:04,143
they pushed that goddamn window down
302
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:07,479
and take they shoe
and throw it out the goddamn window!
303
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,316
And their fucking socks too.
304
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,068
And you don't even know shit
305
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,530
till you get to to the motherfucking
church to take Easter pictures,
306
00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:19,575
this little motherfucker
in the back seat barefooted!
307
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:21,869
"Where's your fucking shoe?!"
308
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,420
So I get it now.
309
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:37,718
But luckily, this woman's children
were dressed to my satisfaction.
310
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,346
And they was cute too.
311
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:46,185
I was like, "Aw, coochie-coochie,
cute little... So cute. Mmm."
312
00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:49,855
The next person
that got on the plane is a cowboy.
313
00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:01,617
"Howdy."
314
00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:07,289
♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪
315
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,500
♪ At FarmersOnly.com ♪
316
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:16,423
Next we have a military man.
317
00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:19,009
"Okay, retired."
318
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:20,761
"Navy man."
319
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:23,972
"Thank you for your service."
320
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:30,729
"Okay... uh! Look at these feet."
321
00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:32,522
"Clearly transsexual."
322
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,446
"Hey, girl."
323
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:04,388
So this white woman gets on the plane.
324
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:06,640
And she sits...
325
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:09,476
she sits next to me.
326
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:12,854
And the first thing she do,
slaps the shade down.
327
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:14,648
- Uh-oh.
- Uh-uh!
328
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:24,283
You know, in my mind, I'm like, "Ah.
Damn, now I got to deal with this bitch."
329
00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:28,412
'Cause the shade's going up.
330
00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:33,542
Hm.
331
00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:37,462
So I'm like...
332
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:01,194
"Excuse me."
333
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:05,949
"Would you, um, would you mind
raising the shade back up, please?"
334
00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:09,619
And she looked at me, and she said, "Why?"
335
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:11,705
- Ooh.
- Uh-uh.
336
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,416
And I said,
337
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:18,628
"Well, call it anxiety
or whatever you want,
338
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:22,049
but I like to see
the takeoff and the landing."
339
00:22:22,132 --> 00:22:24,384
"I mean, what if
something's coming at us?"
340
00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:30,349
And she said,
341
00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:32,184
"What are you gonna do if it is?"
342
00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:43,362
And I said, "Well, I'm gonna know
when to start screaming."
343
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,197
"Now open the damn window."
344
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:50,535
And I reached--- I reached over her,
and I opened that shade for her.
345
00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:55,332
And she said, "Oh my God!
You're totally in my personal space!"
346
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:56,750
And I said, "Bitch..."
347
00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:01,254
"...if you wanted
motherfucking personal space,
348
00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:03,173
you should've chartered a plane, ho,
349
00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:05,425
because everybody on this motherfucker
350
00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:07,969
is in everybody else's
goddamn personal space."
351
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,805
"If you don't motherfucking like it--"
352
00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:11,264
"What? Oh."
353
00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:29,574
"She--"
354
00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:34,955
"I--"
355
00:24:08,029 --> 00:24:13,034
Apparently, it's a felony
to go ham on a bitch on a plane,
356
00:24:13,118 --> 00:24:16,455
even if the plane
even took the fuck off yet or nothing.
357
00:24:19,583 --> 00:24:22,043
So, because I take my job
358
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:25,630
as self-appointed,
unofficial air marshal very seriously,
359
00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:27,716
I promised not to...
360
00:24:30,510 --> 00:24:33,305
say nothing else to the bitch
on the one-hour flight
361
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:36,183
from Oakland to Las Vegas.
362
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:37,642
But what I did do...
363
00:24:39,227 --> 00:24:41,897
Remember I said I was gonna
bring back some of that old slang?
364
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:43,064
Yeah!
365
00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:46,193
What I did do,
some of y'all might recognize this one,
366
00:24:46,276 --> 00:24:48,153
what I did do was I...
367
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:50,405
I turned and I... I...
368
00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:53,325
I stared a mudhole
in the side of that bitch face
369
00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:55,660
all the motherfucking way to Las Vegas.
370
00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:57,120
"Yeah, turn your head, bitch."
371
00:24:57,204 --> 00:25:00,957
"I'm right here looking at
your motherfucking eardrum, bitch."
372
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:02,667
"Turn your motherfucking head."
373
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:06,296
Don't you hate that shit,
like somebody cut you the fuck off,
374
00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:09,716
and you actually catch up
with that punk motherfucker at the light,
375
00:25:09,799 --> 00:25:13,220
and you wanna flip 'em off so bad,
but they won't look at you?
376
00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:16,139
"Look at me,
you raggedy motherfucker! Fuck you!"
377
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:20,852
Okay, wait. Uh-huh.
378
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:22,229
Woosah.
379
00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:32,364
Ladies and gentlemen,
380
00:25:33,907 --> 00:25:36,910
I stand before you tonight as a testimony.
381
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:40,205
There's a phrase that say,
382
00:25:40,914 --> 00:25:43,583
"Thank God I don't look like
what I been through."
383
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:55,345
Ladies and gentlemen,
you may not know this to look at me,
384
00:25:56,346 --> 00:25:58,056
but I belong to the streets.
385
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:10,151
Yep.
386
00:26:10,944 --> 00:26:12,028
Body count...
387
00:26:12,112 --> 00:26:17,117
♪ High, high, high, high, high! ♪
388
00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:24,207
I been out here throwing
this old pussy around since about...
389
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,210
since the mid-'70s.
390
00:26:28,044 --> 00:26:30,088
BA, BC.
391
00:26:30,171 --> 00:26:32,882
Before AIDS. Before Crack.
392
00:26:32,966 --> 00:26:35,927
Oh, what a time, what a time.
393
00:26:39,514 --> 00:26:42,309
But I'm tired now, goddamn it, shit...
394
00:26:44,728 --> 00:26:45,937
I got about...
395
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,188
I done the math.
396
00:26:48,523 --> 00:26:53,445
I got about 17, 18 good fucks left in me.
397
00:26:54,237 --> 00:26:57,115
I'm shut... I'm shutting
this whole operation down.
398
00:26:59,075 --> 00:27:03,955
You know, you get older,
you got to start thinking about shit.
399
00:27:05,206 --> 00:27:07,000
Like, I been... You know, I'm...
400
00:27:07,083 --> 00:27:10,879
I'm just saying, at what age
do you think we can start to slow down
401
00:27:10,962 --> 00:27:13,923
with all this old pesky
dick-sucking and shit?
402
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,802
Mm. Get somebody else to do it.
403
00:27:22,557 --> 00:27:23,725
No, I'm just...
404
00:27:25,935 --> 00:27:28,104
It's enough already.
405
00:27:29,356 --> 00:27:31,608
I mean, you don't think, at 75 years old,
406
00:27:31,691 --> 00:27:34,736
I'mma still be out here
sucking fucking dicks, do you?
407
00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:37,781
"Baby, Auntie don't do that
no more, honey."
408
00:27:38,823 --> 00:27:42,160
"No, I know. You should have
caught me when I was in them streets."
409
00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:43,828
"I used to be a beast!"
410
00:27:44,663 --> 00:27:46,915
"They used to call me Pelican, honey."
411
00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:52,921
"No, Auntie don't do that no more."
412
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:06,893
I... It's hard out here in these streets.
413
00:28:06,976 --> 00:28:08,228
I admit it.
414
00:28:08,895 --> 00:28:11,231
You don't know which way to turn.
415
00:28:12,023 --> 00:28:14,901
The young guys, your foreplay is trash,
416
00:28:14,984 --> 00:28:16,986
but that dick is so good.
417
00:28:18,154 --> 00:28:21,074
And then you older guys,
your foreplay is amazing,
418
00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:22,367
but that... the dick
419
00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:25,912
is trash.
420
00:28:26,496 --> 00:28:28,540
And it's not your fault!
421
00:28:29,416 --> 00:28:32,752
You know, when you start taking
that blood pressure medicine,
422
00:28:33,461 --> 00:28:35,880
you gotta make a decision.
423
00:28:35,964 --> 00:28:39,175
Do you wanna fuck, or do you wanna live?
But you ain't gonna...
424
00:28:42,303 --> 00:28:45,598
But I'm tired out and done everything
425
00:28:47,183 --> 00:28:49,310
that a bitch in the streets can do.
426
00:28:50,311 --> 00:28:54,649
The weather's changing.
I done fucked in the cold before, though.
427
00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:56,443
I fucked in the cold.
428
00:28:56,526 --> 00:28:58,319
I done fucked in the snow.
429
00:28:58,403 --> 00:29:00,697
I fucked in a hailstorm one time.
430
00:29:00,780 --> 00:29:01,698
That was annoying.
431
00:29:01,781 --> 00:29:03,992
That shit kept hitting me
in the fucking face.
432
00:29:04,075 --> 00:29:05,660
I couldn't fucking concentrate.
433
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,912
Shit almost knocked my tooth out too.
434
00:29:09,789 --> 00:29:12,208
I done fucked in the desert, in the heat.
435
00:29:13,668 --> 00:29:16,337
In the daytime, in the nighttime.
436
00:29:16,421 --> 00:29:18,923
In the front yard, in the backyard.
437
00:29:19,007 --> 00:29:20,508
In the garage.
438
00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:22,969
In the back seat.
439
00:29:23,052 --> 00:29:25,305
On the workbench. In the tool shed.
440
00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:27,140
In a swimming pool.
441
00:29:27,223 --> 00:29:28,933
In a Jacuzzi.
442
00:29:29,017 --> 00:29:30,518
By the putting green.
443
00:29:31,227 --> 00:29:32,604
By the barbecue pit.
444
00:29:32,687 --> 00:29:34,105
In the garden.
445
00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:35,440
On the deck.
446
00:29:35,523 --> 00:29:36,858
On the lawn furniture.
447
00:29:36,941 --> 00:29:38,026
In the kitchen.
448
00:29:38,693 --> 00:29:41,029
On the kitchen... table.
449
00:29:41,112 --> 00:29:42,614
On the kitchen counter.
450
00:29:42,697 --> 00:29:44,115
On the kitchen floor.
451
00:29:44,199 --> 00:29:45,617
In the living room.
452
00:29:45,700 --> 00:29:47,160
On the couch.
453
00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:48,745
On the sofa.
454
00:29:48,828 --> 00:29:50,038
On the carpet.
455
00:29:50,121 --> 00:29:52,499
Shag and regular.
456
00:29:53,416 --> 00:29:56,669
Oh yes, some of y'all remember
that old shag carpet?
457
00:29:57,170 --> 00:30:00,089
Back when them knees was good, bitch.
458
00:30:00,173 --> 00:30:02,926
You could get
about a half-inch of that shag carpet
459
00:30:03,009 --> 00:30:06,179
and just buck back on it.
Just buck, buck back.
460
00:30:06,262 --> 00:30:07,430
Just buck...
461
00:30:10,892 --> 00:30:12,769
Oh, just me? Okay.
462
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:17,023
And I done fucked on the steps.
463
00:30:17,106 --> 00:30:19,442
I fucked in the attic. In the basement.
464
00:30:19,526 --> 00:30:21,069
In the parents' room.
465
00:30:21,152 --> 00:30:22,821
In Grandma and them room.
466
00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:24,280
In the kids' room.
467
00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:27,450
In the Cinderella bed with the canopy.
468
00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:29,744
In the race car bed.
469
00:30:29,828 --> 00:30:33,081
I know, I feel sorry...
I... I felt bad about that one.
470
00:30:33,164 --> 00:30:34,833
I told that boy, "Leave me alone."
471
00:30:34,916 --> 00:30:39,170
And then I done fucked in the rec room.
472
00:30:39,254 --> 00:30:41,256
On the pool table.
473
00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:43,675
Under the ping-pong table.
474
00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:45,510
Curtains open.
475
00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:47,011
Curtains closed.
476
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:48,221
Lights on.
477
00:30:48,304 --> 00:30:49,806
- Lights off.
- Lights off!
478
00:30:49,889 --> 00:30:51,015
Clothes on.
479
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:52,559
- Clothes off.
- Clothes off.
480
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:53,601
Sheets on.
481
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:55,061
- Sheets off.
- Sheets off.
482
00:30:55,144 --> 00:30:56,187
Twosome.
483
00:30:56,271 --> 00:30:57,355
Threesome.
484
00:30:57,438 --> 00:30:58,439
Foursome.
485
00:30:58,523 --> 00:30:59,440
Orgies.
486
00:30:59,524 --> 00:31:02,235
Weed. Liquor. Cocaine.
487
00:31:02,318 --> 00:31:03,194
Pill.
488
00:31:03,278 --> 00:31:04,195
Mushroom.
489
00:31:04,279 --> 00:31:05,780
Honey. Butter.
490
00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:06,823
Baby oil.
491
00:31:06,906 --> 00:31:07,782
Syrup.
492
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:09,492
Jelly. Agave.
493
00:31:09,576 --> 00:31:11,286
Nutella. Whipped cream.
494
00:31:11,369 --> 00:31:12,453
Peanut butter.
495
00:31:12,537 --> 00:31:14,038
Strawberries. Bananas.
496
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:16,332
Green beans, potatoes, tomatoes...
497
00:31:16,416 --> 00:31:17,458
You name it!
498
00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:20,420
Thank you, Oakland. Thank you, Oakland!
499
00:31:44,068 --> 00:31:46,404
♪ Closer to my dreams... ♪
500
00:31:47,989 --> 00:31:50,283
Everything I am,
501
00:31:51,242 --> 00:31:53,828
everything I represent,
502
00:31:54,454 --> 00:31:56,789
and everything I ride for,
503
00:31:56,873 --> 00:32:00,585
I learned in the streets
of Oakland, California.
504
00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:04,756
♪ Closer to my dreams... ♪
505
00:32:04,839 --> 00:32:09,218
I used to catch
the AC Transit bus right out here.
506
00:32:09,302 --> 00:32:12,388
I've been incarcerated right over here.
507
00:32:14,682 --> 00:32:19,062
Everybody in this room
is part of my story.
508
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:23,149
You know, you guys
have been riding with me
509
00:32:23,232 --> 00:32:25,902
since the Soul Beat Television Network.
510
00:32:28,029 --> 00:32:31,741
And let's not
leave out Dorsey's Locker.
511
00:32:34,953 --> 00:32:39,415
A lot of y'all in here,
I've slept on your floors,
512
00:32:39,499 --> 00:32:41,459
in your garages,
513
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:43,711
on your couches.
514
00:32:43,795 --> 00:32:46,089
You've picked up my baby,
515
00:32:46,172 --> 00:32:49,300
you've given me rides,
you've helped me out.
516
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:54,263
I'm riding for Oakland
till the motherfucking wheels fall off.
517
00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:56,808
Thank you for not giving up on me.
518
00:32:56,891 --> 00:32:58,267
I love all y'all.
519
00:32:58,351 --> 00:33:01,145
Thank you so much.
Thank you, guys. Good night.
520
00:33:07,694 --> 00:33:13,533
This is protected
by the red, the black, and the green,
521
00:33:13,616 --> 00:33:16,536
at the crossroad, with a key.