1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:08,258
[airplane taking off]
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:14,305
[Luenell] On Christmas Sunday,
5
00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:17,934
I went to the airport
to fly to Vegas to perform.
6
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:22,355
I got there. Flight was delayed an hour.
Then the flight was delayed three hours.
7
00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:24,774
Then the flight was delayed five hours.
8
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,693
{\an8}Then the flight was canceled,
9
00:00:26,776 --> 00:00:29,487
{\an8}which canceled my show in Vegas,
10
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:34,242
where people had bought tickets to see me
as Christmas presents, right?
11
00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:37,037
So, because of that shit right there...
12
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:37,954
[cabin tone chimes]
13
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:42,000
...I have decided to dedicate
the next 20 minutes of my performance
14
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:43,960
to the motherfucking airline,
15
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,628
air travel,
16
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,465
people's behavior
on the motherfucking airline,
17
00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:49,883
and all that shit.
18
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:51,342
[imitates air horn blasts]
19
00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:53,511
Town Biz, that's what's up.
20
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:55,263
[audience cheering and clapping]
21
00:00:55,346 --> 00:00:56,723
[Luenell] Okay.
22
00:00:57,807 --> 00:01:01,519
First... I wanna start from the inside out.
23
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:07,942
Let's talk about
these goddamn seat belts, shall we?
24
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,195
[audience laughing]
25
00:01:11,696 --> 00:01:14,741
And I just want to say,
first of all, American and Delta,
26
00:01:14,824 --> 00:01:16,076
God bless you.
27
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:19,913
You don't know what them
four extra inches mean to a bitch like me.
28
00:01:21,372 --> 00:01:23,917
But I don't know what man
29
00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:27,670
designed these fucking seat belts
in the first place.
30
00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,631
Why come-- What kind of map--
31
00:01:29,714 --> 00:01:32,217
Why-- Why this strap this long?
32
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:34,844
This strap ain't but
two goddamn inches long?
33
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:38,348
You got to be a contortionist
to get this motherfucker...
34
00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:41,142
I almost fuckin' threw my back out,
35
00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:43,520
trying to fasten
my motherfucking seat belt.
36
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:47,732
And if you ask for an extension,
the bitch act like it's a dope deal.
37
00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:49,484
"Here, take it, take it, take it."
38
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:50,401
The fuck?
39
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:53,279
[audience laughing]
40
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:57,992
Why don't the motherfucker
fasten in the middle?
41
00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:00,161
Don't that make more goddamn sense?
42
00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:01,788
[audience] Yes!
43
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:04,833
Because people are getting fatter
in the United States of America,
44
00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:07,877
and they need to
govern themselves accordingly.
45
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:08,962
Amen.
46
00:02:12,006 --> 00:02:14,342
The tray-to-titty ratio.
47
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:18,596
No. That's not working for me neither.
48
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:22,308
Big titties are back,
and they're here to stay.
49
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:23,309
[applause]
50
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:28,439
I... I just think that the airline
need to make some adjustments.
51
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:31,943
Put some cutouts
in the fucking tray or something.
52
00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:34,237
No, that's discrimination. Fuck that.
53
00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:40,285
The announcement that they make when some...
54
00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:43,163
some emergency occurs on the plane,
55
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:46,040
they say, "In the case of emergency,
56
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:49,085
a mask is gonna come down."
57
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:53,798
"Place the mask over your mouth first
before you attempt to help anybody else."
58
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:56,593
You know what? Hey, check this.
59
00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:58,303
Some shit don't need to be said.
60
00:02:58,386 --> 00:03:02,140
Of course I'm gonna put it
over my motherfucking mouth first!
61
00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:04,142
The fuck you think this is?
62
00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:06,144
I'm fighting for my motherfucking life
63
00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:09,397
up in these
motherfucking clouds, goddamn it!
64
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,233
"I'mma help you out.
Let me get situated first."
65
00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:16,863
Mm-hmm.
66
00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:19,282
Then they say,
67
00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:24,245
"Place the mask over your mouth
and breathe normally."
68
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:29,250
We are plunging
to the motherfucking ground, bitch!
69
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:31,461
780 miles an hour!
70
00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:32,921
"Breathe more normally?"
71
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,088
I'm... I'm sparked!
72
00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:37,217
I'm about to start stabbing
every motherfucker in this bitch.
73
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,594
"Breathe normally"? The fuck?
74
00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:41,721
[audience laughing]
75
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,517
Then they say,
76
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:49,771
"Oxygen is flowing through the mask,
77
00:03:49,854 --> 00:03:53,733
even though the bag may not inflate."
78
00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:57,779
[chuckling] Now, this bitch
just think we stupid,
79
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,490
like... she'll tell us
any motherfucking thing.
80
00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:01,699
We about to die.
81
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:06,704
There is nothing you can blow on or in,
82
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:09,165
not a balloon, not a bag,
83
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,251
not a dick, not nothing
84
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:15,046
that's not going to, uh, swell and...
85
00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:16,631
[laughter, clapping]
86
00:04:16,714 --> 00:04:20,468
That bitch just want us
to put the mask over our mouth
87
00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:23,304
to muffle the screams as we're going down.
88
00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:25,014
She don't wanna hear that shit.
89
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,392
"Oh, we're gonna die! Oh fuck!"
90
00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:29,227
She don't wanna hear it.
91
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:35,566
Ladies and gentlemen...
92
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:44,659
I want you to know that your air travel
is safer than it's ever been before.
93
00:04:44,742 --> 00:04:45,952
"Why, Luenell"?
94
00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:47,078
I'll tell you.
95
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:51,457
Because I, Luenell,
96
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:54,210
am up in the motherfucking sky regulating
97
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:57,213
just like I do on the goddamn ground.
98
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,549
- [audience applauding]
- That's right.
99
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,803
I am a self-appointed,
100
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:06,889
unofficial air marshal.
101
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:12,395
I've been on orange alert since 9/12.
102
00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:15,440
Orange alert.
103
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:20,194
I see every motherfucking thing
moving on the goddamn plane.
104
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:23,740
First thing I do when I step on the bitch,
105
00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:26,284
I stick my head
in that motherfucking cockpit.
106
00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:29,078
Yeah, I wanna see who driving this buggy.
107
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,247
[woman] That's right, girl.
108
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,916
[audience laughing]
109
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,546
"How y'all doing? Y'all get enough sleep?"
110
00:05:39,797 --> 00:05:40,757
[chuckles]
111
00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:45,595
"Ain't nobody fighting with the old lady
or no shit like that, are you?"
112
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:48,139
"Okay."
113
00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:55,104
I, uh...
114
00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:57,440
I sit on the aisle.
115
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,152
In case some shit pop off.
116
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:06,741
I'm not gonna be hemmed up over there
by that goddamn window.
117
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:11,788
Hey, Black people, y'all remember
when we used to say "hemmed up"?
118
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,499
"That motherfucker had me hemmed up
down to the liquor store."
119
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:16,834
"I was almost late for work
fucking with him."
120
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:18,920
[laughing]
121
00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:28,054
You know what?
I think that I'm gonna bring back
122
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,515
some of that old slang.
123
00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:35,103
No... But, no, because, you know,
the young boys I fuck with, they...
124
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:39,774
they say my mouth is reckless, and...
125
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:45,071
they say that I have
a harsh delivery, and...
126
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:49,951
they say that I say
127
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:51,411
"fuck" too much.
128
00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:55,623
And I be trying to tell
these little motherfuckers, "Listen."
129
00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:59,377
"Babe, I-- I love you. I do."
130
00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:03,339
"And I would love to make love with you."
131
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:07,760
"I would love for you to make love to me."
132
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:11,222
"But in full transparency,
133
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:16,310
uh, I'm really just trying to get fucked
real quick before I get on this plane."
134
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:22,150
"Because in the words
of the great prophet Tupac Shakur,
135
00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:27,572
'I only got one night in town, baby doll.
Are you down?'"
136
00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:28,739
"'I get around.'"
137
00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:31,367
[loud cheering]
138
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:41,043
And there is a plethora
of little motherfuckers out there
139
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:42,712
because, guess what?
140
00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:44,797
♪ I got hoes ♪
141
00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:47,925
- ♪ I got hoes ♪
- [audience singing along]
142
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:51,471
♪ In different area, area codes ♪
143
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,599
♪ I got hoes ♪
144
00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:56,142
Hey!
145
00:07:56,225 --> 00:07:58,102
♪ Hoes ♪
146
00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:00,646
[laughing, applause]
147
00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:04,859
White people, if you don't know that song,
148
00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:07,487
that's an old Negro spiritual.
149
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:17,622
Written and performed
by the great gospel singer Nate Dogg.
150
00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:22,752
Motherfucker, you can't know
every goddamn thing.
151
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:25,129
[audience laughing]
152
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,465
[woman] Nate, we love you.
153
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:32,345
So,
154
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:36,891
being on the plane,
there are certain behaviors
155
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,936
that I would like to address.
156
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:41,812
First of all...
157
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:45,358
Uh... Oh, wait a minute. Sorry.
158
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,653
You know, these edibles,
let me tell you something...
159
00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:50,738
[laughing]
160
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:55,535
No, don't eat... don't eat the little bear.
161
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:58,663
That little bitch,
the little bear, the gummy bear,
162
00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:01,040
stay away from her. She's the devil.
163
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:05,086
[laughing]
164
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:07,588
But wait a minute.
165
00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:09,549
So, uh, back to the...
166
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:13,010
Okay, so my mouth.
My mouth, my mouth, my mouth, my mouth.
167
00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:15,388
So I say "fuck" too much,
168
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:19,183
so I tried to appease
the little young motherfucker, right,
169
00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:22,562
and I said,
"Okay, so I won't say 'fuck' so much."
170
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:27,817
So I wanna bring back...
an old phrase that we used to say.
171
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,069
I wanna bring back "do it."
172
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:35,074
Ooh, that used to be all it took.
173
00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:37,076
[all] Do it!
174
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:39,495
Remember, brothers,
they'd be like, "Ay. Ay."
175
00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:43,040
"Ay."
176
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,543
"Ay."
177
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:53,384
"Ay. Ay."
178
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,512
"You wanna do it?"
179
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,600
Bitches be like, "Oh yeah."
180
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:07,481
We'd be on the phone with...
We'd be on the phone with our girlfriends,
181
00:10:08,232 --> 00:10:12,486
and we'd be like,
"Girl, I think I'mma let him do it to me."
182
00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:23,706
And I know, I know there's some
of y'all in here gonna be lucky enough
183
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:26,834
to go home with some other people in here,
184
00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:29,712
and you might go to sleep.
185
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:33,633
But in the wee hours of the morning,
186
00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:37,178
my little deep voice
gonna come up in your head,
187
00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:41,098
and you might wake your partner up
and look at him and say, "Hey, babe, babe,
188
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:42,516
let's do it!"
189
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:45,311
- Whoo!
- [cheering]
190
00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:47,146
And you bitches better do it, too,
191
00:10:47,229 --> 00:10:50,900
because that's what the men be
talking about if y'all don't wanna do it.
192
00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:53,736
You should do it when they want to do it.
193
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,455
[chuckles]
194
00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:05,498
Okay.
195
00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:10,211
So, as an unofficial air marshal...
196
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:14,465
I do take my job very seriously,
197
00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:17,593
and there are certain behaviors
198
00:11:18,594 --> 00:11:21,597
that need to be addressed,
I feel, on the plane.
199
00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:24,767
First of all, I'mma just put it out there.
200
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,644
I don't like you corporate fucks.
201
00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:29,939
You get on the motherfucking plane
with your anal ass,
202
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:33,109
and you go sit maybe next to me
by the window,
203
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:37,446
and you put your seat belt on, maybe,
and then you put your tray down.
204
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,115
You put your laptop down.
205
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:43,285
Motherfucking five-hour flight
from Oakland to goddamn New York City,
206
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:44,954
the whole time, this motherfucker...
207
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:48,624
[imitating keyboard pounding]
208
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,751
The whole motherfucking time!
209
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:54,880
I sat next to one of these
psycho motherfuckers about a week ago,
210
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:58,718
and I straight up asked him.
I said, "Excuse me, are you on meth?"
211
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:04,348
No, because this motherfucker
didn't look out the window.
212
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,767
He didn't drink no water.
213
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,644
He didn't go to the bathroom.
214
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,479
He didn't look at me.
215
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,897
He didn't eat shit.
216
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,691
He didn't put his seat back.
217
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:15,943
He didn't listen to no music.
218
00:12:16,026 --> 00:12:18,112
I be looking over
at that motherfucking laptop,
219
00:12:18,195 --> 00:12:20,114
it be a bunch of bullshit too!
220
00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:22,992
"What the fuck
is all that shit any-goddamn-way?"
221
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,870
[audience laughing]
222
00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,708
[cheering]
223
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:34,003
Also,
224
00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:36,797
I feel
225
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:43,095
if you enter into a closed space,
226
00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:49,518
like maybe an airline row
227
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:55,941
or a church pew or a movie theater seat,
228
00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:58,402
but mostly
I'm talking about airline seats.
229
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:03,491
If you are the interloper,
and if you coming in,
230
00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:07,244
sitting where there was other people
who had to allow you in,
231
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:10,915
I think it is your job
as a fucking human being
232
00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:13,918
to at least acknowledge the presence
233
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,837
of the motherfucker
that you sitting next to.
234
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:21,258
Don't act like you not sitting next to
a whole-ass human being.
235
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:24,720
It don't take nothing to say,
"Hi, how are you today?"
236
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:29,350
Now, that don't mean I wanna talk
to your bitch-ass all the way to Boston.
237
00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:33,187
I don't wanna see a picture
of your dog or no shit like that.
238
00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:36,524
I'm just saying
you should motherfucking speak.
239
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:40,110
Because let some shit go down,
now you up around my neck.
240
00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:41,821
"Help me! Save me!"
241
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,614
"No, bitch, you should've spoke."
242
00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:45,950
"You don't remember me, right?
I'm not here, right?"
243
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:47,409
"I don't exist, right?"
244
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,788
"Fuck you, bitch.
You on your own. Good luck, bitch."
245
00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:52,373
"You're on your own."
246
00:13:56,877 --> 00:13:59,797
And, yes, white people,
I'm talking to you.
247
00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,136
[audience laughing]
248
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,181
[Luenell chuckling]
249
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,399
I got a thing. I got a thing, okay?
250
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:21,610
I got a thing. I like to fly
251
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:25,406
with the window shade up.
252
00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:28,784
Not just over here.
253
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:43,966
Over here too.
254
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:47,052
"I'm a motherfucking air marshal,
and all this shit is me."
255
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,054
"This row, this is all me."
256
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:53,934
You know, I like to see the takeoff
257
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:56,270
and the landing.
258
00:14:57,187 --> 00:15:00,816
I don't know, I feel like I got
something to do with this shit, you know?
259
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,109
And turbulence too.
260
00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:03,402
Turbulence come,
261
00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:05,696
I'm looking out that motherfucking window.
262
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,073
People be like,
"Luenell, you can't see turbulence."
263
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,742
How you know if you don't look?
264
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,119
I might be the bitch to see it,
265
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:14,705
and I'd be like,
"See? Turbulence. Told you."
266
00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:18,167
[laughing, applause]
267
00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:23,589
Now, every now and then,
I might say "sidebar."
268
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:25,507
If I say "sidebar,"
269
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:29,178
that mean these edibles got me
thinking about three different thoughts
270
00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:31,847
at the same motherfucking time,
and I gotta take...
271
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,850
But I'll be back, you know, talking about
what I'm talking about. Okay.
272
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,978
So, about a month ago,
273
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,563
I'm riding first class.
274
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,607
By the way, it took a long time
275
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:44,318
for this East, West,
and North Oakland bitch
276
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:49,615
to be able to command first-class tickets
every-motherfucking-where I go.
277
00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:52,451
But, believe you me, if you see me,
278
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,870
that's how the fuck I got here.
279
00:15:56,789 --> 00:16:00,167
Plus, I knew some shit had to change.
280
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:02,753
'Cause I got tired
of getting on the goddamn plane,
281
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:04,755
walking past my motherfucking friends.
282
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:07,216
"What's up, Ced? How you doing, D.L.?"
283
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,385
"Yeah, I'm back here in 36C."
284
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,178
"The fuck?"
285
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:15,766
"We're on the same show.
Gonna talk to my people."
286
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:22,356
So, a couple of months ago...
287
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:24,858
Let me set this shit up.
288
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:28,696
Let me set this shit up... real quick.
289
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:29,989
A couple of months ago,
290
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:33,575
see, you be in first class,
you got your little cocktail.
291
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,706
I'm sitting on the aisle, you know,
doing my motherfucking air marshal shit.
292
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:42,584
And being in everybody's business
because, check this out,
293
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:47,631
I do-- While everybody's fucking around
and plugging into the Internet,
294
00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,216
I take a mental Rolodex
295
00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:52,511
of every motherfucker
stepping on this bitch.
296
00:16:54,888 --> 00:16:58,308
[audience laughing, cheering]
297
00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:19,747
Lady with two kids.
298
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:21,749
Oh, sidebar.
299
00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,667
[chuckling]
300
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,378
Okay. Um...
301
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:32,718
This portion of the show is called
"What Black Women Be Thinking."
302
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,222
Now, I don't wanna
make this a racial thing.
303
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:42,019
I'm just saying that, okay,
you know, white ladies and other,
304
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,606
if you come into a place well-clothed,
305
00:17:45,689 --> 00:17:49,068
if you in the frozen food section
of a grocery store,
306
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:51,862
or you in an airport
and you getting on a plane,
307
00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:55,866
and if you're fully clothed,
and your baby ain't got no socks on,
308
00:17:57,242 --> 00:18:00,454
Black women, we get in a corner,
and we talk shit about you.
309
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:06,710
We be like, we be like,
310
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:10,047
"Look at that raggedy-ass bitch
ain't got no socks on the baby."
311
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,342
"Fucking bitch.
Look at the little bald head."
312
00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:15,344
"It's cold in here. He need a hat on."
313
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,722
We be judgy as a motherfucker.
314
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,476
And I-- Okay. But I'm--
315
00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:24,561
But to your credit,
316
00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:27,356
dig this, I grew up
317
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,192
always seeing
318
00:18:30,984 --> 00:18:32,820
one shoe in the street.
319
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:35,572
And I wondered,
320
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:39,618
"Where's the other fucking shoe?"
321
00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:43,997
"Why did both shoes not fall out?
I don't understand."
322
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:47,417
And then I had a baby.
323
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:53,173
And you guys just got
this motherfucking child-lock shit down
324
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:55,634
a few years ago.
325
00:18:55,717 --> 00:18:57,094
But before then,
326
00:18:57,177 --> 00:19:01,140
the minute these little bastards
could reach out the fucking car seat,
327
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:04,143
they pushed that goddamn window down
328
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:07,479
and take they shoe
and throw it out the goddamn window!
329
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,316
And their fucking socks too.
330
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,068
And you don't even know shit
331
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,530
till you get to to the motherfucking
church to take Easter pictures,
332
00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:19,575
this little motherfucker
in the back seat barefooted!
333
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:21,869
"Where's your fucking shoe?!"
334
00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:29,501
[chuckles]
335
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,420
So I get it now.
336
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:37,718
But luckily, this woman's children
were dressed to my satisfaction.
337
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,346
[chuckling] And they was cute too.
338
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:46,185
I was like, "Aw, coochie-coochie,
cute little... So cute. Mmm."
339
00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:49,855
The next person
that got on the plane is a cowboy.
340
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:51,648
[exhales]
341
00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:55,110
[whinnies]
342
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:57,696
[flaps lips]
343
00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:00,115
[laugh]
344
00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:01,617
"Howdy."
345
00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:07,289
♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪
346
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,500
♪ At FarmersOnly.com ♪
347
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:16,423
Next we have a military man.
348
00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:19,009
"Okay, retired."
349
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:20,761
"Navy man."
350
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:23,972
"Thank you for your service."
351
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:30,729
"Okay... uh! Look at these feet." [snorts]
352
00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:32,522
"Clearly transsexual."
353
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,446
"Hey, girl." [laughs]
354
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,912
[audience laughing]
355
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:04,388
So this white woman gets on the plane.
356
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:06,640
And she sits...
357
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:09,476
she sits next to me.
358
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:12,854
And the first thing she do,
slaps the shade down.
359
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:14,648
- [woman 1] Uh-oh.
- [woman 2] Uh-uh!
360
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:24,283
You know, in my mind, I'm like, "Ah.
Damn, now I got to deal with this bitch."
361
00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:28,412
'Cause the shade's going up.
362
00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:33,542
Hm.
363
00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:37,462
So I'm like...
364
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:57,316
[knocking]
365
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:01,194
"Excuse me."
366
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:05,949
"Would you, um, would you mind
raising the shade back up, please?"
367
00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:09,619
And she looked at me, and she said, "Why?"
368
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:11,705
- [audience] Ooh.
- [woman] Uh-uh.
369
00:22:11,788 --> 00:22:12,956
[Luenell scoffs]
370
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,416
And I said,
371
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:18,628
"Well, call it anxiety
or whatever you want,
372
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:22,049
but I like to see
the takeoff and the landing."
373
00:22:22,132 --> 00:22:24,384
"I mean, what if
something's coming at us?"
374
00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:30,349
And she said,
375
00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:32,184
"What are you gonna do if it is?"
376
00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:43,362
And I said, "Well, I'm gonna know
when to start screaming."
377
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,197
"Now open the damn window."
378
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:50,535
And I reached--- I reached over her,
and I opened that shade for her.
379
00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:55,332
And she said, "Oh my God!
You're totally in my personal space!"
380
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:56,750
And I said, "Bitch..."
381
00:22:56,833 --> 00:22:58,627
[audience cheering]
382
00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:01,254
"...if you wanted
motherfucking personal space,
383
00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:03,173
you should've chartered a plane, ho,
384
00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:05,425
because everybody on this motherfucker
385
00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:07,969
is in everybody else's
goddamn personal space."
386
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,805
"If you don't motherfucking like it--"
387
00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:11,264
"What? Oh."
388
00:23:11,348 --> 00:23:14,184
[audience laughing and clapping]
389
00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:29,574
"She--"
390
00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:34,955
"I--"
391
00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:53,181
[audience laughing]
392
00:24:08,029 --> 00:24:13,034
Apparently, it's a felony
to go ham on a bitch on a plane,
393
00:24:13,118 --> 00:24:16,455
even if the plane
even took the fuck off yet or nothing.
394
00:24:19,583 --> 00:24:22,043
So, because I take my job
395
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:25,630
as self-appointed,
unofficial air marshal very seriously,
396
00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:27,716
I promised not to...
397
00:24:30,510 --> 00:24:33,305
say nothing else to the bitch
on the one-hour flight
398
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:36,183
from Oakland to Las Vegas.
399
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:37,642
But what I did do...
400
00:24:39,227 --> 00:24:41,897
Remember I said I was gonna
bring back some of that old slang?
401
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:43,064
[audience] Yeah!
402
00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:46,193
What I did do,
some of y'all might recognize this one,
403
00:24:46,276 --> 00:24:48,153
what I did do was I...
404
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:50,405
I turned and I... I...
405
00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:53,325
I stared a mudhole
in the side of that bitch face
406
00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:55,660
all the motherfucking way to Las Vegas.
407
00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:57,120
"Yeah, turn your head, bitch."
408
00:24:57,204 --> 00:25:00,957
"I'm right here looking at
your motherfucking eardrum, bitch."
409
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:02,667
"Turn your motherfucking head."
410
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:06,296
Don't you hate that shit,
like somebody cut you the fuck off,
411
00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:09,716
and you actually catch up
with that punk motherfucker at the light,
412
00:25:09,799 --> 00:25:13,220
and you wanna flip 'em off so bad,
but they won't look at you?
413
00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:16,139
"Look at me,
you raggedy motherfucker! Fuck you!"
414
00:25:16,223 --> 00:25:19,351
- [inaudible]
- [audience laughing, cheering]
415
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:20,852
Okay, wait. Uh-huh.
416
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:22,229
Woosah.
417
00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:32,364
Ladies and gentlemen,
418
00:25:33,907 --> 00:25:36,910
I stand before you tonight as a testimony.
419
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:40,205
There's a phrase that say,
420
00:25:40,914 --> 00:25:43,583
"Thank God I don't look like
what I been through."
421
00:25:44,125 --> 00:25:46,461
[applauding]
422
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:55,345
Ladies and gentlemen,
you may not know this to look at me,
423
00:25:56,346 --> 00:25:58,056
but I belong to the streets.
424
00:25:58,139 --> 00:26:00,475
[audience laughing]
425
00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:08,817
[chuckles]
426
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:10,151
Yep.
427
00:26:10,944 --> 00:26:12,028
Body count...
428
00:26:12,112 --> 00:26:17,117
♪ High, high, high, high, high! ♪
429
00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:24,207
I been out here throwing
this old pussy around since about...
430
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,210
since the mid-'70s.
431
00:26:28,044 --> 00:26:30,088
BA, BC.
432
00:26:30,171 --> 00:26:32,882
Before AIDS. Before Crack.
433
00:26:32,966 --> 00:26:35,927
Oh, what a time, what a time.
434
00:26:39,514 --> 00:26:42,309
But I'm tired now, goddamn it, shit...
435
00:26:44,728 --> 00:26:45,937
I got about...
436
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,188
I done the math.
437
00:26:48,523 --> 00:26:53,445
I got about 17, 18 good fucks left in me.
438
00:26:54,237 --> 00:26:57,115
I'm shut... I'm shutting
this whole operation down.
439
00:26:59,075 --> 00:27:03,955
You know, you get older,
you got to start thinking about shit.
440
00:27:05,206 --> 00:27:07,000
Like, I been... You know, I'm...
441
00:27:07,083 --> 00:27:10,879
I'm just saying, at what age
do you think we can start to slow down
442
00:27:10,962 --> 00:27:13,923
with all this old pesky
dick-sucking and shit?
443
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,802
Mm. Get somebody else to do it.
444
00:27:22,557 --> 00:27:23,725
No, I'm just...
445
00:27:23,808 --> 00:27:25,852
[audience laughing]
446
00:27:25,935 --> 00:27:28,104
It's enough already.
447
00:27:29,356 --> 00:27:31,608
I mean, you don't think, at 75 years old,
448
00:27:31,691 --> 00:27:34,736
I'mma still be out here
sucking fucking dicks, do you?
449
00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:37,781
"Baby, Auntie don't do that
no more, honey."
450
00:27:38,823 --> 00:27:42,160
"No, I know. You should have
caught me when I was in them streets."
451
00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:43,828
"I used to be a beast!"
452
00:27:44,663 --> 00:27:46,915
"They used to call me Pelican, honey."
453
00:27:46,998 --> 00:27:49,668
[laughing, cheering]
454
00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:52,921
"No, Auntie don't do that no more."
455
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:06,893
I... It's hard out here in these streets.
456
00:28:06,976 --> 00:28:08,228
I admit it.
457
00:28:08,895 --> 00:28:11,231
You don't know which way to turn.
458
00:28:12,023 --> 00:28:14,901
The young guys, your foreplay is trash,
459
00:28:14,984 --> 00:28:16,986
but that dick is so good.
460
00:28:18,154 --> 00:28:21,074
And then you older guys,
your foreplay is amazing,
461
00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:22,367
but that... the dick
462
00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:25,912
is trash.
463
00:28:26,496 --> 00:28:28,540
And it's not your fault!
464
00:28:29,416 --> 00:28:32,752
You know, when you start taking
that blood pressure medicine,
465
00:28:33,461 --> 00:28:35,880
you gotta make a decision.
466
00:28:35,964 --> 00:28:39,175
Do you wanna fuck, or do you wanna live?
But you ain't gonna...
467
00:28:39,259 --> 00:28:41,261
[laughing]
468
00:28:42,303 --> 00:28:45,598
But I'm tired out and done everything
469
00:28:47,183 --> 00:28:49,310
that a bitch in the streets can do.
470
00:28:50,311 --> 00:28:54,649
The weather's changing.
I done fucked in the cold before, though.
471
00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:56,443
I fucked in the cold.
472
00:28:56,526 --> 00:28:58,319
I done fucked in the snow.
473
00:28:58,403 --> 00:29:00,697
I fucked in a hailstorm one time.
474
00:29:00,780 --> 00:29:01,698
That was annoying.
475
00:29:01,781 --> 00:29:03,992
That shit kept hitting me
in the fucking face.
476
00:29:04,075 --> 00:29:05,660
I couldn't fucking concentrate.
477
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,912
Shit almost knocked my tooth out too.
478
00:29:09,789 --> 00:29:12,208
I done fucked in the desert, in the heat.
479
00:29:13,668 --> 00:29:16,337
In the daytime, in the nighttime.
480
00:29:16,421 --> 00:29:18,923
In the front yard, in the backyard.
481
00:29:19,007 --> 00:29:20,508
In the garage.
482
00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:22,969
In the back seat.
483
00:29:23,052 --> 00:29:25,305
On the workbench. In the tool shed.
484
00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:27,140
In a swimming pool.
485
00:29:27,223 --> 00:29:28,933
In a Jacuzzi.
486
00:29:29,017 --> 00:29:30,518
By the putting green.
487
00:29:31,227 --> 00:29:32,604
By the barbecue pit.
488
00:29:32,687 --> 00:29:34,105
In the garden.
489
00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:35,440
On the deck.
490
00:29:35,523 --> 00:29:36,858
On the lawn furniture.
491
00:29:36,941 --> 00:29:38,026
In the kitchen.
492
00:29:38,693 --> 00:29:41,029
On the kitchen... table.
493
00:29:41,112 --> 00:29:42,614
On the kitchen counter.
494
00:29:42,697 --> 00:29:44,115
On the kitchen floor.
495
00:29:44,199 --> 00:29:45,617
In the living room.
496
00:29:45,700 --> 00:29:47,160
On the couch.
497
00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:48,745
On the sofa.
498
00:29:48,828 --> 00:29:50,038
On the carpet.
499
00:29:50,121 --> 00:29:52,499
Shag and regular.
500
00:29:53,416 --> 00:29:56,669
Oh yes, some of y'all remember
that old shag carpet?
501
00:29:57,170 --> 00:30:00,089
Back when them knees was good, bitch.
502
00:30:00,173 --> 00:30:02,926
You could get
about a half-inch of that shag carpet
503
00:30:03,009 --> 00:30:06,179
and just buck back on it.
Just buck, buck back.
504
00:30:06,262 --> 00:30:07,430
Just buck...
505
00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:09,516
[audience laughing]
506
00:30:10,892 --> 00:30:12,769
Oh, just me? Okay.
507
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:17,023
And I done fucked on the steps.
508
00:30:17,106 --> 00:30:19,442
I fucked in the attic. In the basement.
509
00:30:19,526 --> 00:30:21,069
In the parents' room.
510
00:30:21,152 --> 00:30:22,821
In Grandma and them room.
511
00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:24,280
In the kids' room.
512
00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:27,450
In the Cinderella bed with the canopy.
513
00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:29,744
In the race car bed.
514
00:30:29,828 --> 00:30:33,081
I know, I feel sorry...
I... I felt bad about that one.
515
00:30:33,164 --> 00:30:34,833
I told that boy, "Leave me alone."
516
00:30:34,916 --> 00:30:39,170
And then I done fucked in the rec room.
517
00:30:39,254 --> 00:30:41,256
On the pool table.
518
00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:43,675
Under the ping-pong table.
519
00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:45,510
Curtains open.
520
00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:47,011
Curtains closed.
521
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:48,221
Lights on.
522
00:30:48,304 --> 00:30:49,806
- Lights off.
- [audience] Lights off!
523
00:30:49,889 --> 00:30:51,015
Clothes on.
524
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:52,559
- Clothes off.
- [audience] Clothes off.
525
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:53,601
Sheets on.
526
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:55,061
- Sheets off.
- [audience] Sheets off.
527
00:30:55,144 --> 00:30:56,187
Twosome.
528
00:30:56,271 --> 00:30:57,355
Threesome.
529
00:30:57,438 --> 00:30:58,439
Foursome.
530
00:30:58,523 --> 00:30:59,440
Orgies.
531
00:30:59,524 --> 00:31:02,235
Weed. Liquor. Cocaine.
532
00:31:02,318 --> 00:31:03,194
Pill.
533
00:31:03,278 --> 00:31:04,195
Mushroom.
534
00:31:04,279 --> 00:31:05,780
Honey. Butter.
535
00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:06,823
Baby oil.
536
00:31:06,906 --> 00:31:07,782
Syrup.
537
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:09,492
Jelly. Agave.
538
00:31:09,576 --> 00:31:11,286
- Nutella. Whipped cream.
- [cheering]
539
00:31:11,369 --> 00:31:12,453
Peanut butter.
540
00:31:12,537 --> 00:31:14,038
Strawberries. Bananas.
541
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:16,332
Green beans, potatoes, tomatoes...
542
00:31:16,416 --> 00:31:17,458
You name it!
543
00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:20,420
Thank you, Oakland. Thank you, Oakland!
544
00:31:20,503 --> 00:31:23,214
[loud cheering]
545
00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:41,733
[cheering fades]
546
00:31:41,816 --> 00:31:43,985
["Closer" by Goapele playing]
547
00:31:44,068 --> 00:31:46,404
♪ Closer to my dreams... ♪
548
00:31:47,989 --> 00:31:50,283
[Luenell] Everything I am,
549
00:31:51,242 --> 00:31:53,828
everything I represent,
550
00:31:54,454 --> 00:31:56,789
and everything I ride for,
551
00:31:56,873 --> 00:32:00,585
I learned in the streets
of Oakland, California.
552
00:32:00,668 --> 00:32:02,670
[audience cheering]
553
00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:04,756
♪ Closer to my dreams... ♪
554
00:32:04,839 --> 00:32:09,218
[Luenell] I used to catch
the AC Transit bus right out here.
555
00:32:09,302 --> 00:32:12,388
I've been incarcerated right over here.
556
00:32:12,472 --> 00:32:14,057
[audience laughing]
557
00:32:14,682 --> 00:32:19,062
[Luenell] Everybody in this room
is part of my story.
558
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:23,149
You know, you guys
have been riding with me
559
00:32:23,232 --> 00:32:25,902
since the Soul Beat Television Network.
560
00:32:25,985 --> 00:32:27,946
[audience cheering]
561
00:32:28,029 --> 00:32:31,741
[Luenell] And let's not
leave out Dorsey's Locker.
562
00:32:31,824 --> 00:32:34,202
[cheering]
563
00:32:34,953 --> 00:32:39,415
[Luenell] A lot of y'all in here,
I've slept on your floors,
564
00:32:39,499 --> 00:32:41,459
in your garages,
565
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:43,711
on your couches.
566
00:32:43,795 --> 00:32:46,089
You've picked up my baby,
567
00:32:46,172 --> 00:32:49,300
you've given me rides,
you've helped me out.
568
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:54,263
I'm riding for Oakland
till the motherfucking wheels fall off.
569
00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:56,808
- Thank you for not giving up on me.
- [all cheering]
570
00:32:56,891 --> 00:32:58,267
I love all y'all.
571
00:32:58,351 --> 00:33:01,145
Thank you so much.
Thank you, guys. Good night.
572
00:33:01,229 --> 00:33:03,606
[cheering continues]
573
00:33:07,694 --> 00:33:13,533
[man] This is protected
by the red, the black, and the green,
574
00:33:13,616 --> 00:33:16,536
at the crossroad, with a key.