♪ MTV ♪
[bright, whimsical music]
[Kristen] Welcome to my villa,
the Sanctuary of Love,
where my best bestie Terry and I
binge every minute of every single reality dating show.
The only place where even the loveless can feel L-O-V-E.
Ex on the Mind.
Shelter of Passion.
I'd Have Your Baby.
The list of the Lord's perfect shows goes on.
We've watched three different reality dating shows
in one single day.
We do everything together.
It's not weird when you're besties.
Sixty episodes in 24 hours--
it's easy when you're watching your favorite couples,
like my breathtaking Sienna and AJ.
[AJ] If it's meant to be...
it's meant to be.
[Kristen] Whose true loyalty and love
for each other is unmatched.
[applause]
I'm surrounded by the love of you,
my 2.4 million followers.
[Kristen] Or my sassy and spicy Quincy and Zion,
who's like no other couple you've ever watched.
Quincy and Zion break up and get back together
more times than LL Cool J licks his lips in five minutes.
"...Quincy and Zion."
#UnbreakableBond.
"Together forever!"
[Hugh] What I said in those confessionals,
that's not true.
Producers...
[Kristen] Of course, our absolute fave,
Hugh and Lexy.
You've never seen a cuter pair than Hugh and Lexy.
[Hugh] How about I buy this expansion pack for us?
You can come over,
figure out these new rules.
And I might even give you a free brick on our first game.
[chuckles]
We cannot still be talking about
the one and only time you beat me.
[Kristen] It's like they'd take a bullet for one another.
I swear!
The good Lord created both of them
just so they could be together
and give little ol' me some hope for myself.
Little miracles proving that love is real
and will last forever and ever.
They have to last forever,
'cause I couldn't live in a world if it didn't.
Please say yes. Please say yes.
Please freakin' say yes!
Say yes.
I need you to say yes right now!
Right now!
Yes! [laughs]
[screams in joy]
-[laughing] -Yes! Yes! Yes!
[Kristen] Every single one of us has a soulmate.
It doesn't matter who you are.
I was lucky enough to find mine.
But tragically, he was snatched away from me.
I was devastated to lose my one and only chance at love,
but I would never let that happen again.
Never.
Ever.
Bitch, where's my bubbly?
[Reporter] This just in.
Reality show stars Sienna S. and AJ,
as well as Quincy and Zion,
have broken up for real this time.
America's favorite couple...
What did--What did we do to deserve this?
Mm-mm, mm-mm!
...AJ has had a roaming eye for quite some time.
Lexy and Hugh, yeah, they have to still be together.
-Oh my goodness. -They, they have to!
Come on, come on...
[phone chimes] Lexi's last post.
Hugh only liked it.
No, no playful sarcasm?
No witty...No witty quip?
Even on Hugh's down days,
he always answers with triple heart eyes.
Does he not always answer with at least triple heart eyes!?
Yes, even on his down days. Triple heart eyes.
-All right, hold on. -What?
-Hugh's last post. -[whimpers]
-Two days ago. -Uh-huh...
-Lexi did not even like it! -[gasp-whimpers]
[phone chimes]
Or his post before that!
[thunderclap]
[Kristen screams bloody murder]
[thunder rumbling]
[seagulls squawking]
[screams]
Oh, really!?
Ah, yes, yes, good afternoon.
It's time to attack the day.
Now girl, you know these breakups
have literally torn me to shreds as well,
but you have been in here hibernating
an entire week,
so I think you've mourned long enough.
I will never stop mourning the loss of true love!
I know, I know.
I won't live in a world where the perfect, beautiful,
romantic love on TV doesn't even exist!
Shush your mouth! Rubbish!
-Of course it exists. -[sighs]
You have a pillow that says "Love is love", hello?
Think about it, Ter. Think about these people.
They're loveable and beautiful and charming.
If love can't work for them,
how's it supposed to work for us?
Especially me.
[Kristen] Especially you!
[sighs]
Is love even real
if these three perfect relationships can't work?
Well...
maybe they still can.
[dark, mysterious music]
[Kristen laughs]
[Terry chuckles]
[both laughing]
[knocking on door]
[tense music]
What do you want?
Pizza delivery.
Do I look like I eat pizza, assface?
Oh, my lashes!
[peeing] [birds chirping]
[AJ] Dude, I'm peeing!
[pulsating club music] [lively chatter]
Can you at least come out and talk--
[tense music]
[horn honks]
[screams]
♪ Do, dah, do, dah Do, dah, do, dah ♪
♪ Do, dah, do, dah ♪
♪ Do, dah, do, dah Do, dah, do, dah ♪
♪ Do, dah, do, dah ♪
♪ Do, dah, do, dah Do, dah, do, dah ♪
♪ Dah, dah Dah, dah ♪
[nightmarish music]
Hello! Hello! [knocks frantically]
Hello, is anyone here!?
Hello!
Hello, is anyone here?
Someone help!
Lexy!
Lexy! Is that you?
Hugh?
Hugh, what's happening? Where the hell are we?
[Hugh] No clue.
I just remember walking to my car,
and I was clocked in the head.
[groans]
[Sienna] Oh my god!
Oh my fricking god!
They've stolen our phones!
[creepy music]
[Quincy] What the hell?
[chime]
[Farrah] Hello. I'm Farrah, your personal digital assistant.
Welcome to the retreat.
The purpose of this retreat
is to help you restart your beautiful love stories.
As part of your social development,
I will first need you to announce
your love for your partner.
Welcome to your second chance.
[sighs]
Lexy?
I've never stopped loving you.
[beeping, whirring]
Oh! It's opening!
It's opening!
[creepy music]
I still love you too.
[beeping, whirring] [door opens]
Sienna...I...
[gasps]
[AJ] ...can see myself...
You've gotta be kidding me.
[AJ] ...maybe being able to...
fall in, in love with you.
Okay.
Um, yeah, absolutely, I love you, AJ.
So much.
[beeping, whirring] [door opens]
I actually mean I'm falling in love with you!
[beeping, whirring]
All right!
[Farrah] Zion and Quincy, you're the last ones.
Say you love each other.
Girl, I can never mean it.
[Farrah] You can stay in these rooms forever.
[exasperated sigh]
You're the love of my life.
[unconvincingly] He's the love of my life...
[beeping, whirring] [door opens]
AJ and Sienna, from Shelter of Passion?
What the-- You guys from Ex on the Mind ?
What the hell is going on here?
[Quincy] Help! Please! Someone help!
Hey, look!
[AJ] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
This is just like that old damn TV show, Room Raiders .
I think we've all just been kidnapped
on the newest reality show.
This is all just part of a game.
[Quincy] Yeah, some game!
[grunts]
Great, we're trapped.
Like a true crime/reality dating crossover thing?
Sounds trendy!
And high budget. You think it's a streamer?
[whispers] Maybe...
Eww, are you kidding me?
[Sienna] I am not getting voted off this show.
What the hell is this place?
[AJ] I don't know.
And who's coming up with these job titles?
Apparently these kidnappers also think
my sexual history is more important than my PhD...
in medicine.
Is that better or worse than
filling the old-ass uncle/dad slot?
Lexy, you...
You know I meant what I said back in those pods, right?
You didn't just say you loved me
to get one step closer to escaping?
No.
[frantic whispering in background]
Well, escaping should be our main focus.
[giggles]
Excuse me? Excuse me?
So, like, obviously I watched all of Lexy and Hugh,
but I'm wondering, like, who are you?
Just figuring we should get to know each other and all.
-I'm Zion, and this is... -Quincy.
[Zion] There is one season
out of all of these cute little dating reality programs
that feature queer people.
Of course that's the one season everyone skips.
I promise that the first thing I do when I get out of here
is watch your gay season.
Queer season.
I'm nonbinary. He's bi/pan, so...
Totally. I mean, who doesn't identify
as those things these days?
[laughs]
And canceled!
Don't any of you care about finding a way out of here?
[Terry] And now introducing your beloved host,
your one and only...
please welcome Kristen!
Oh!
[reality show suspense music]
[gasps]
Is this real? Is this real?
Oh, oh my god.
Yes, queen!
Oh... Hello!
Oh oh, even blonder in person.
[gasps] AJ!
So good to see you.
[gasps] Hugh!
[fake British accent] Look how fit you are!
Oh, too! Ho, ho, ho, ho!
What any lucky girl would do to snog the hell out of ya.
Mm!
[intense, sinister music]
Okay, that's right. Let's take a tour of the villa.
Yes.
[music continues]
[Kristen] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Music on!
Help! Someone, help! Anyone!
[Kristen] There's no need to leave the villa, lovelies!
[sunny, upbeat music] [grunts, sighs]
-[Quincy] Damn it! -[Hugh] Locked up tight, Lex.
All right, this not good.
I know, right? It's wonderful.
We have an infinity pool, day beds,
and a whole outdoor gym for your very, very important reps.
[laughs giddily]
[screams]
[Kristen laughs]
-Quincy! -[Quincy sighs]
We're never getting out of here.
I'm gonna kill this bitch.
[laughs giddily]
[zapping]
[grunts]
Easy there, Ted Bear! Not by the memorabilia!
My favorite of all time, my pride and joy
from Hugh and Lexy's season...
Is that our bow and arrow?
-My favorite episode ever. -[Hugh gasps]
Uh, uh, there we go, there we go.
You all right?
You best not try that kind of shit again.
-[comforting laugh] -Okay?
It's okay, boo boo.
See, Terry here has a big, black, sexy
gun, hm?
[gasps]
Do you...
I don't think I've ever seen a real gun
on a reality dating show before,
and I think it's pretty legit. Am I right?
Okay, now that you've met Ter Bear here,
the cutest guy with a gun
and my best bestie in the whole wide world--
You stop it. You are the best bestie.
-No, you are! -No, you are.
-You are. -No, you are.
-You are. -You are.
-No, no, no... -Yuh, yuh, yuh...
-[Kristen] No, you are! -[Terry] You are.
-[Kristen] You are! -[Terry] You are!
-[Kristen] You! -[Terry] You!
[clears throat]
Okay, look.
I know all this drugging, and kidnapping,
and locking you in a room thing
can appear a tad bit melodramatic.
I understand that.
But can we be real for a minute?
We're all reality TV show people here, right?
So we can tolerate some manufactured melodrama.
You're a triple crime psycho bitch!
[cocks gun]
We understand that, you know, you could be a little bit upset.
But!
We tried to invite you all here the easy way.
We sent packages to all your publicists.
We DM'd you on all your socials.
Oooh, but we knew we had to act fast
so none of you would get into any other relationships.
What do you want from us? Why did you kidnap us?
Why are we in this house?
This is not a house. This is a villa.
It's a villa.
Is it money? Is that why you drugged us?
Oh! Lexy, bit of advice, hon.
Now, we know that you were
the sweet and loveable virgin of your season,
but loosen up that ass just a bit, huh?
I mean, it's a little too tight.
-Isn't it too tight? -[Terry] A little tight.
-Astroglide you think? -Upstairs.
Yeah, uh-huh. See, that's your problem.
You can be too untrusting.
Preach!
We all have issues.
Believe it or not, I was a ugly, brace-faced 15-year-old
who chickened out of kissing Andy Whitworth
at the tenth grade hoedown.
[whispers] I should have taken that kiss...
[creepy music]
[Kristen blabbers and baby talks]
I should've... Mwah, mwah, mwah.
[gasps] Oh.
But we can get through all of this together.
And your love showed us that we too...can be loved.
Yes.
-But then? -Oh, tell 'em.
-Snap! -Ah!
All your beautiful love stories, they were perfect--
they crumbled, and with it, our hope.
And all because of some meaningless
little character flaws.
Trust.
Honesty.
-Lust. -Uh-huh!
-Jealousy. -Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Resentment.
-Oh, and secrets. -Me?
But that's okay. That's why we're here--
to make our broken hearts whole again!
Thanks to us, we'll repair your relationships
and rekindle your beautiful love stories...
[darker] ...no matter what.
We want to prove the love that we see on TV
is real and possible!
That's why you all are here.
[Kristen] Paradise attire.
I forgot your paradise attire.
Let me go get the paradise attire!
[indistinct mumbling]
Can I just say?
Sorry, for the whole tasing thing, you know?
Umm, I feel super, super lucky
to be in your presence. Like, you, you have no idea.
I'm like, oh my god, they're here!
So, look, so I was engaged, right?
Um, Devin, love of my life, she passed away recently.
A bit tragic, but you inspired our passion for fitness.
And you completely inspired her to take her whole mind
and, and, and body to a whole 'nother level that I find--
-Shirts off! -[Terry] Mm-hmm.
[Kristen] Bikinis on!
Lexy, your favorite shade of seafoam green, of course.
And Sienna, polka dots,
like the walls in your childhood room.
And fellas, this is your outfit.
[percussive tropical music]
[Kristen] Bottom line, people,
is that we just have to get back to the basics, okay?
Simple, unadulterated human contact!
Express yourselves! Explore each other intimately!
Remember that body you first fell in love with?
Oooh, ha!
Communicate that love-- through the paint!
I'm just still not totally getting
the premise of this show.
Like, there's guns, but there's also paint?
For once, I hope these editors can not just...
make me, like, the dumbass dude.
Would you touch him
like seven other women are competing for his attention!?
The whole world saw you
swoop up on Becky P. and Elizabeth.
Now show us that Sienna fervor.
All right.
Yes, yes.
That fierce...
Sienna ferrrvor.
[growls]
Do you see the cameras, or--
[whispers] Yeah, they're right up there.
[giggles]
Hey, this might be fun.
Lex...
I gotta be honest with you.
This whole innocent virgin thing,
it gets tired after three episodes.
Show your man-- Win him back,
by showing the sexiness that you got, come on!
[seagulls squawking]
Lexy...we all know that you have sexiness
all down inside you.
So bring that shit up!
Okay?
[Kristen] Passion, people! Show me some passion!
Are you two not about passion?
Come on...
Look, you don't have to do anything.
I'ma do everything I can to protect you.
I can protect myself, you know.
You're the strongest woman I know.
Matter of fact, you need to be the one protecting me.
Just because I broke up with you...
doesn't mean I won't always care about you.
You're supposed to be exploring yourself through the paint!
Through the paint...
Ahh!
Zion finger-painted my penis on my back, didn't they?
[Kristen] You people are ridiculous!
[Zion] Puh-leese.
[Kristen] Please show us the same respect
you would show a nerdy woman labeled a relationship expert.
I'm sorry, people!
Am I not resonating with you all?
I mean, do I have to explain
every freakin' detail of courtship?
[screams]
Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell. I'm sorry.
[Terry] Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Come on, breathe it in! Come on, suck that air.
Suck it!
Suck the air... There it is.
-Aaaahhh! -Mm-hmm.
Good job.
Screaming is just a temporary Band-Aid
on a deeper emotional reaction.
Screaming does nothing but get you
forcefully kicked out of prom
in front of the only man you've ever loved.
Okay, so...
it could just be me,
but I'm maybe starting to think
that this is not a reality dating show.
Then I definitely need my phone back.
Like, right now.
[Terry] Okay, listen up!
We understand.
It's day one.
You haven't had a chance to fall back in love again yet.
-But you will soon. -Mm-hmm.
You just need to loosen up and get more comfortable!
And we have just the idea.
We're gonnna have a shindig!
It will send shockwaves throughout the villa!
Come on, Terry! Terry!
[Terry] Ooh, ooh, ooh! Shindig!
♪ Take a look in the sky ♪
♪ Sunlight shining in my eye ♪
♪ Oh yeah, what's up ♪
♪ Just livin' life good 'cause the feelin' is right ♪
♪ We're trying to go ♪
♪ I got a place in mind if you're down to roll ♪
♪ Uh-huh It's right down the road ♪
♪ Now take a step inside, it make you feel like gold, ha ♪
♪ Nice of me ♪
♪ Jump right in, come and ride with me ♪
♪ You heard that right, baby, life is sweet ♪
♪ You feelin' good vibes seven days a week ♪
♪ Oh, thinking that bad weather poolside ♪
♪ And you know I'm down for a good time ♪
♪ You ain't gotta think twice ♪
♪ Yeah, ready to start with your life ♪
♪ Let's celebrate ♪
Yeah! Go ahead, girl. Yeah, work it!
Work it like a mid-episode montage!
Oooh, hoo-hoo!
Oooh, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Ooh, ooh, uh, uh.
Cham--Cham-- Champagne, Champagne.
Champagne. I need some Champagne.
♪ Wait 'til the sun goes down ♪
♪ On this day, it make me say ♪
Mmm...
[music ends abruptly]
I'm sorry.
Do you not have a dance party every single episode
of every single day
for the entire freakin' summer!?
What, what--
Listen, I think I can speak for all of us when I say,
we just need some time with our phones.
So why don't we just go back in the house--
It's a villa, Sienna! I told you that!
It's a villa! I have an ocean!
Totally. My point, Kristen, my girl,
is that I am pretty good at social media stalking,
and if you give me my phone back in the villa,
I can track down that guy you said you had a crush on.
What was his name again? Andy Whitworth?
Maybe that's where we put our efforts,
because frankly, I don't see any of the six of us
getting back together.
[intensifying, sinister music]
[screams]
[Sienna screams]
[gasping]
-Jesus Christ! -What the hell!?
[retching, vomiting]
Oh my god...
[retching, coughing]
Oh my god!
Anyone see my diamond earring?
Okay, Sienna, relax. Let's just stop the bleeding.
No, no, my earring, my earring.
Can we get a first aid kit?
This is what I get as a romantic dance party!?
At some point, someone's going to start showing me
that love is real!
-Terry! -Uh...
[Sienna] Can I--Can I have my earring, please?
-Guys, my earring! -We need help!
[Sienna hyperventilates]
So I'm thinking about this whole no ear thing.
Maybe it could be my new brand.
Like, sympathy factor alone
will easily get me, like, another million.
[gasps] Maybe I'll even get my own show.
What do you think?
If we don't get up out this house,
you're not gonna have no dating show on no network ever.
[indignant scoff]
It's obvious we up against some top-flight,
high-tech security system--
There's gotta be a security mainframe.
AJ, can you please just leave
the scheming for the smart people?
Like, if this was Are You the One?
Hugh would be the dude with the math charts
and you'd be the stubborn idiot
choosing the wrong match each week.
Okay, I can do math charts.
Just because our show tried to depict me as the--
Come on, y'all, for real! Do y'all ever stop bickering?
We need a plan to get to the mainframe,
and then we can dismantle the security system.
Stop!
-What's up? -What?
Uh...nothing better than being able to watch
couples be intimate in the bedroom.
Wish we had more of that on our season, Hugh.
[tense music]
We could all take inspiration from that.
Okay...
[Lexy] Forget escape.
The real goal should be falling back in love.
Are you out of your mind ?
We are dealing with some crazy-ass bitch who--
Shut up, AJ!
You don't get to tell me what to do
just because you're the old guy.
I'm 33. That's not old.
I'm just trying to get you to stop talking shit.
About who? Kristen?
The crazy-ass bitch is--
Be quiet!
Okay?
We love Kristen.
[AJ] Oh...
Got it.
If we have an elimination,
I'm still voting you off first thing.
Yeah, me too.
[Kristen] Not the horniest group, are they?
[chuckles nervously] Hmm...
My dear, you, you know
that I think that you're the best, right?
Um...most loveable person ever. Right?
Right, um... [coughs]
I don't know how to say this.
I don't know, I thought we were gonna try to
[clears throat]
I don't know...
not cut any contestants' ears off.
-'Scuse me? -Yeah. Yeah, see, see,
I know that you've worked really hard
on putting this thing together
and coming up with all these games.
And super, super frustrating,
like, they're not falling back in love again yet, you know?
Oh, okay. 'Cause for a second there,
it sounded like you didn't care about love,
like you didn't care about the fate of romance.
Like all you cared about was some
pointless, ugly ear?
No. No. You know what it is?
It's just that when we talked, you know,
when we agreed to bring 'em here, um,
you know, we talked and I, I was like--
I don't remember where you said hey, Terrance,
do you...
I don't know, you wanna be an accessory?
Hm? You wanna go to jail? [laughs]
I don't remember that. I don't remember that at all.
As a matter of fact, I remember you promising me
that we were gonna do no permanent damage--
You do not tell me what I have and have not promised!
You know that's one of my triggers, Terrance!
[chokes] Okay, look--
Meah!
Anything that's happened to them should be motivation.
[sighs]
[sinister music]
Fine.
Now...
if I'm not mistaken,
someone promised me a French tip pedicure.
Tonight.
Okay, my bad.
Of course.
I'm thinkin' red tips, just for funsies!
[sighs]
You okay?
She's only gonna get more violent.
She's watching us from everywhere.
What are we gonna do?
Listen here.
You remember that last game of Baton we played?
The one when I finally beat you?
You cannot be bringing that up again right now.
I'm not just talking about that.
I have more to say. I promise.
Even though I was the glorious winner,
the real truth is...
you played one of the best games I've ever seen, ever.
You didn't give up.
That's my point.
I've never seen anyone in my life...
without a single brick...
put up such a fight. Like, damn.
That's sexy, like...
That makes you the most determined person I know.
You're gonna find your strategy sooner or later.
And this time you're gonna win.
Unlike last time.
Against me...
when I won.
[both laugh]
I have an idea.
I have to go to the bathroom.
[mischievous music]
I have a stomach ache.
Make sure to courtesy flush!
[music turns tense]
Interesting.
[music intensifies]
[determined music]
[grunts]
[grunting]
[sighs]
[music continues]
[grunts]
[creepy music]
[dildo rattles]
Carfentanil.
[door shuts]
[determined music]
[Terry] That was by far the best season, by far.
[Kristen] It's definitely top five.
[Terry] Of course it was.
I'll never forget the first time they showed up.
They didn't know each other. Mm, mm!
[Kristen] And who could forget their first makeout sesh
at the bonfire?
They were practically ripping each other's clothes off.
I've never seen so much sexiness.
Nothing can top AJ and Sienna.
Remember when AJ threw himself out the car
and jumped over the fence?
[Terry] Ran right past the producers,
and in one fell swoop, hopped on the back of Sienna's horse!
If love was real four years ago, it still can be today.
That's all I'ma say.
That's a long time to be taking a dump.
Shit. Shit.
[frantic music]
[pants]
[grunting]
[fabric tearing]
[beeping]
Where is she?
I think you're out of wet wipes.
Watchin' you.
[delightful, romantic orchestral music]
[seagulls squawking]
-Car-fent-anil. -Yeah.
[Hugh] What is that?
It causes instant seizures and then death.
It's used primarily to tranquilize oversized animals.
Or reality dating show couples freshly kidnapped.
Well, the good news is, I have something--
I found the security mainframe to the smarthome.
Look at you,
climbing through the air vents like an action hero.
I think you're starting to enjoy this.
It's like a real life game.
You might actually win.
[seagulls squawking]
[chime]
[Farrah] Today, you are going to separate into three challenges
specifically designed for each couple.
I suggest you take these challenges very seriously.
You don't wanna piss off Kristen.
You know, when you get to know her, she's really a sweetheart,
not to mention a great friend.
You might want to invite her to some of your--
[Farrah voice & Kristen] -- reunion parties sometime.
[Hugh] Oh my god, it's her.
[Farrah voice & Kristen] Gotta go!
[footsteps]
-[grunts] -What?
[grunts]
[sinister music]
[seagulls squawking]
[yelps]
[music continues]
What the hell? Hey, hey, hey!
[grunts]
[whispers] AJ...
-Where we at? -I don't know.
[groans]
[seagulls squawking]
[music continues]
[Zion] Oh my god.
Is that the asshole you kissed in the club?
[muffled whimpering]
Hey, Mac.
[Farrah] What would a beach resort be
without one of your past lovers
coming back to test your relationship midseason?
If the other shows think it's helpful, so do we.
So your next challenge is to eliminate the interloper
and prove that no one can get between you.
[chime]
[Farrah] Your next challenge is in the Tiki Shack of Secrets,
to finally come clean and forgive each other.
[both panting]
[chime]
[Farrah] Your next challenge is a classic trust exercise--
a Truth Booth of sorts--
to decide if Hugh is loyal once and for all.
Your challenges...
begin...now.
[loud zap] Whoa!
[whooshing]
-Oh, shoot. -Whoa. Whoa!
What's going on? What?
-That's not so bad. -[Lexy coughs]
It smells like almonds.
Almonds? It's actually hydrogen cyanide.
And at this rate, we'll be dead in less than two minutes.
-[Lexy coughs] -What!?
[sinister music]
[Hugh] [grunts, coughs]
Hey, Kristen.
Are you sure all this is a good idea?
Hey, what if instead, we send them on dinner dates?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
some nice, uh, nice clothes and mood lighting and...
fake food they'll never eat?
Name one show on TV that doesn't
trauma bond their contestants into love!
-Hm. -[Kristen] Hm?
Have you seen every episode of Ex on the Mind ?
Okay. Hm.
Well, then at least no permanent damage, right?
Mm-hmm.
Refill, will ya, babe?
Of course.
-Help! - [laughs giddily]
[pants]
What do we do?
[Sienna] I don't know, but...
that thing is pointed right at my chest,
and I cannot get a bruise, boo.
Do you have any idea how much these cost?
[grunts, struggles] Aah!
AJ, you get us out!
You're the one hooked up to the lie detector test!
I, I have no clue why I am hooked up
to a lie detector test.
I don't tell lies!
[beeping]
[whirring]
[beeping becomes faster]
-[grunts] -[gasps]
[chime]
[Farrah] Sienna can't forgive you
if you don't tell the truth.
[moans]
[beeping] No.
[beeping becomes faster]
[pants]
Ow!
[groans]
[coughing]
-Now what? -It's a puzzle.
An escape room.
[coughing]
Babe, babe, get on the platform, go!
[beeping] [Lexy] Okay, okay!
[Hugh] Go, go, go, go!
[Lexy] No...
This crazy bitch wants us to saw through this rope
and watch Mac plunge to his death?
No, not happening.
I didn't know you cared so much about the douchebag
who vampires your neck every time we break up.
[muffled speech]
I'm not killing him.
[loud zap]
[zapping] [grunting]
It's, it's, it's like a prisoner's dilemma.
One of us has to stay on the platform
for the door to stay open.
So only one of us can run out and survive?
[grunts]
[coughs]
[Farrah] If you will not saw Mac to his death,
we will have no choice but to shock you.
That bitch!
[zapping] [grunting]
I couldn't care less. I'll kill Mac!
No, no, no! Stop, stop, stop, stop!
Mac is a good person.
He's a good relationship trespasser.
[zapping] [grunting]
[pants]
You bastard!
Tell the truth!
About what?
Did you cheat on me?
[pants]
It's more complicated than that, okay?
We weren't getting along...for a while,
and, and...
we were allowing each other to see other people.
What!?
[beeping]
[grunts, coughs]
[Farrah] Sienna, do you forgive AJ?
I never gave you permission to see anyone.
No, I don't forgive him.
[beeping]
[Sienna] No!
Oh my...God!
[deep inhale]
No ear and completely deformed boobs.
-Tell the truth! -Okay, okay, okay!
Okay, so, so maybe it wasn't an agreement.
But I thought it was okay!
[beeping]
No!
[screams]
[Hugh & Lexy coughing]
[tense music]
[Lexy] All right, all right, we can figure this out.
One of us doesn't have to die for the other to escape.
[coughing] I have an idea.
-[Lexy] Okay. -[Hugh] Come on.
[Lexy] Okay.
-[Hugh] Jump off! -[Lexy] Okay.
[Hugh] Now go!
Wait wait wait, no, wait. What about you?
I, I'ma figure it out, okay? You go!
[Lexy] Why should I go? You should go!
I'm not gonna leave without you.
I'm trying to save your life.
Lexy, go! [coughs]
[beeping]
[screams]
Okay, stop!
Okay, okay, okay, stop, stop!
[pants]
I cheated.
Okay?
There, I said it!
I cheated on you.
[Farrah] Sienna, do you forgive him?
Yes, yes...
Come on, come on...
Yeah, fine.
I forgive him.
[Farrah] But wouldn't you like to know
who he cheated on you with?
[intensifying music]
Yeah. Yeah, actually.
I would.
[loud zap]
[zapping] [grunting]
[panting]
[Quincy] Saw the rope now!
[muffled screaming]
[Zion] I can't do it. I'm not going to kill anyone.
Saw!
I'm not killing anyone.
[Quincy] Why are you choosing him over us?
No!
There will never be an "us"!
No, damn it!
I have to do every damn thing myself!
-What do I get to have!? -Kristen, what are you--
[sinister music]
[Terry & Farrah voice] Okay, come on, people.
Hurry up, finish your challenges, okay?
Come on, come on, show your love!
Show your love, show your love.
Awww, damn!
Who did you have sex with, AJ?
I promise you, you don't wanna...know.
Tell me!
[tense, intensifying music]
Your mom!
I banged your mom during the hometown visit.
I'm sorry!
But have you seen that ass?
My god...
She's a smokeshow!
[beeping, powering down]
[beeps twice]
[grunts]
[pants]
Ahh!
You asshole!
Oh!
[groans]
[Hugh & Lexy coughing]
[Hugh] What are you doing?
[Lexy] I'm not leaving without you.
[coughs]
-I love you. -[coughs] I love you too.
[beeping]
[whooshing]
[chime]
[Farrah] Nice work, both of you.
You've figured out that loyalty and love for each other
will prevail in any situation.
[beeping, door opens]
I can't choose you.
Some people just, they're not--
they're not meant to be together.
And we will never be together!
What the hell!?
F-boy, f-bye.
Girl, I don't, uh...
I don't think you can kill the queer people first anymore.
Just die.
I, I, wait, please.
I, I...
[weakly] You got any aspirin?
[death rattle]
Oh honey, I didn't mean to scare you.
[creaking] [muffled whimpers]
I meant to kill you!
[frantic muffled whimpers]
Our first elimination.
You know what?
I think I want some pineapple juice.
I'm gonna get me some pineapple juice.
-You want some pineapple juice? -What?
Kristen, this, this wasn't supposed to be
a part of the eliminations.
[Kristen] Excuse me?
Kristen, I loved them!
Come on.
Quincy? Zion?
What's wrong with you, okay?
I, I'm not gonna be a part of this anymore.
I'm done.
[Kristen] Terry!
If Chris Harrison can be replaced, so can you!
But first, I have a question.
[seagulls squawking] [sinister music]
When you were a scrawny preteen
being bullied for your butt-ugly pimple face
that made even your own mother and your uncle Larry vomit--
you remember your uncle Larry!
[retches] He'd look at you-- [retches]
I said, "Don't do that, Uncle Larry!"
[retches]
"Your face! Your face!"
Who was by your side?
Me.
Only me.
You remember when you were a scared metrosexual
in the Marines--oorah, huh?
Being bullied by all those manly men...
because you decided to stay up all night
binging Are You the One?
Who did you call? Who you gonna call?
Not Ghostbusters. You called me!
I have always been the only person by your side.
Devin was there before too.
We're not talkin' about Devin!
For the first time in my life, we're talking about me.
I have always been the only one by your side,
and the least I deserve is for you to be by mine
while I fight for love.
I am doing what I have to do
to get at least one of these couples reunited.
I already lost one couple.
Terry, this is what we decided to do.
This is what we promised! We are fighting for love.
Don't you want that?
[tense music]
Yes.
[affectionate chuckling]
I know you do.
You love love like I love love, don't you?
You know what would make you feel better?
Pineapple juice! Mm-hmm.
In a golden season finale chalice.
-Come on, let's go. -Okay.
Let's go, here we go. Come on!
[sinister music]
Damn, what the hell happened to y'all?
AJ had sex with my mother.
[Hugh laughs]
Well, technically it wasn't traditional sex.
It was primarily backdoor.
I'm just keeping it one-hundo.
Well, I'm just happy everyone is okay.
So did you two have the pleasure of confirming
all the reasons why you broke up too?
Not really, actually.
Where are those two super trashy toxic peeps
who clearly never had any chance of winning anything?
Terry, what's going on?
I know torturing us and hurting us
could not have been part of your plan.
Look...
I know you went through a lot of pain after losing Devin,
and it resulted it in this codependency with Kristen,
but you don't have to torture--
I'm not torturing you!
Look, this, this was just supposed to be some,
some, some harmless games.
[tense music]
Today marks a very, very sad day for me.
A year ago today, my fiancée, Devin, passed.
[gasps for air]
[Terry] Came completely out of the blue.
Okay?
And...
Kristen and I, we...
just need to believe that love...
love is possible again.
[Kristen] Exactly right, Terry.
We need something to celebrate.
Only the best rosé in our season finale gold chalice.
Terry, please do us the honors by serving us.
Now that you have successfully completed your Truth Booth
and Shack of Secrets...
you are now one step closer...
[grunts]
...to being your perfect matches.
And I have--hold on--
a little speech in here.
"If you feel you have your perfect matches, then lock in--"
Oh!
[horror music]
-Oh shit! -Oh my gosh!
[frantic chatter]
He's bleeding!
That's real!
Is that Zion!?
[Zion screams]
Dude, this is so embarassing.
[Zion moans]
Terry...
Oh my god, will he just die?
[doorbell rings]
What!?
[whimpers]
Harold!
Oh, that dinosaur has worse timing than a commercial break.
Lock all of them in the room.
I've gotta take care of Harold!
Take it easy, take it easy.
[Kristen] Help me, come on!
Sorry. I'm sorry.
-Terry-- -Please.
What are you doing? Come on!
Please, I'm sorry.
-Eww. -I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
just please...
Oh, great!
So what the hell are we supposed to do now?
Lexy got something that might work,
but we need to hurry.
Get up!
What?
[grunts]
[Kristen] Listen here, prehistoric penis!
I am trying to save the future
of the world's last two greatest couples.
What do you want!?
Our date! I'm here to pick you up.
Remember? I said I'd come tonight.
Listen, Harold, your forgetfulness is in overdrive.
There is no date.
There never was one, never will be.
Don't you wanna take a chance on love?
I did.
But there's only one man in the world for me.
And I've come to accept that without him,
I can now share the love of my favorite TV stars.
But you, Harold, you're not Andy, nor a TV star.
Well, actually, back in 1965,
I applied to be on The Dating Game .
You see, back then we didn't have no reality TV,
just game shows on the regular networks.
I could've been a TV star.
A TV star?
[Lexy] The room is literally just down the hall.
-Follow me. -All right, AJ, you up.
No, no, I don't really know how to say this,
but, um, yeah, I'm gonna have a little bit of trouble
climbing up there because...
because, well, earlier...
my, uh...
-both my nuts... -[Hugh] [sympathetic grunt]
...they sort of, uh...
-They exploded. -[Hugh] [sympathetic grunt]
[tense music]
[grunting]
I can help you. Come on.
[AJ] Are you serious? -I got you, yes.
[AJ] Thank you.
Come in here. Give me a hug.
Oh...[laughs] Yeah, you're welcome.
[tense music]
Hey, to the left.
All right, uh, we got the vent.
-We gotta go to the vent. -Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no. Whew, whew, whew.
[pants]
[sobs quietly]
[pants]
Harold, I don't know what part of no you don't understand,
so let me be very clear.
I am never, ever, ever going anywhere,
not a zilch, crackin' nowhere with you, player!
Pops! Whatever!
Even if my very life depended on it.
Oh, all right.
I can take a hint.
Let's just order in then, hm?
Goodbye.
[upbeat music]
I'm not sure how much time we have,
so I just say unplug the whole thing.
No, no, no, no, that can only make things worse for us.
A hard shutdown could cause
severe hard drive corruption issues.
Might even lock the whole security system in place.
I learned that first year studying this stuff.
-Studying what stuff? -Software engineering.
[Others] You're a software engineer?
Uh, yeah, I tried to tell you guys earlier,
but you just kept saying
let the smart people make the math charts.
I thought you were a professional surfing enthusiast.
No, the producers just said it'd be better for the edit
if I fit the, quote, "California bro character."
Okay, I'm gathering the IP address
and signature information
to auto run a list of factory set passwords.
It's gonna take a minute.
Well, hurry up. We've got five minutes, tops.
Well, you do that.
Lex, we gotta go find a weapon. Let's go.
♪ Wait and see, they cut you down ♪
[Kristen grunts]
[upbeat music]
♪ Didn't fall in the groove ♪
♪ It sinks, but it doesn't move ♪
♪ I hope to god that I'm wrong ♪
♪ Maybe I am the fool ♪
♪ I give you all I have, but I don't have much ♪
[buzzer]
♪ But it's true Baby, it's all for you ♪
He's gotta have another gun in here somewhere.
There's gotta be something.
♪ But it's true ♪
♪ Baby, I would die for you ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ I've been broken and sewed again ♪
♪ I've sunk to the bottom and floated in space... ♪
[music slows, distorts]
-Hugh! -What?
You come look at this.
[suspenseful music]
[Harold] Kristen!
Let me in!
I'll kill that old man.
Coming, Harold!
Get on my nerves!
What--
...the hell are you doing, Ter?
Damn it!
[suspenseful music]
[beep]
Could you be any slower?
Sixty more seconds.
I'm almost through the system.
[beep]
[creepy music]
Okay.
[Lexy] She's been stalking us.
That ain't all she done.
[horror music]
Oh, this is crazy.
[Lexy] How long has she been planning this?
Hurry up, Terry!
Harold's still at the front door!
Damn it, Terry, hurry up!
I heard you the first time!
Look.
Look, look, look, look, look.
[beep]
Okay, here we go.
This is officially one of
the most important moments of my life.
Wish me luck.
Hey! All right, all the way.
Nice!
Ever since the first day I saw you in pre-algebra,
I've loved you.
I mean, I know I wasn't attractive enough for you
in high school, but...
for the past 15 years,
I've loved you.
I mean, I've reconfigured my whole life for you.
I started a multimillion-dollar flower sealant business
just for you.
I've made myself perfect for you.
I got a nose job and I replaced two missing teeth,
and I'm getting eye surgery next month.
So, Andy Whitworth...
can we spend the rest of our lives together?
Huh?
Hey, wait, you're the one who stabbed
Lisa Miller in the eye at prom.
Okay, Arty that's, that's enough.
That's you. [laughs]
Okay, all right.
[melancholy music]
Hey, it's not that you weren't...
attractive enough for me in high school.
You thought I was attractive? [gasps] Oh my god!
Clearly I wasn't straightforward enough back then, but...
we hardly said two words to each other.
-I was a little shy, yeah. -You seemed interesting.
[Friend] No way! [friends laughing]
[Kristen] Oh, you think I'm interesting!
[Andy] No, Kristen, you don't have to change anything
about yourself.
About your look or your career.
It's not about any of those things.
It's just about you.
I'm not into you.
I could never be into you.
And I know you think some big gesture of love
could somehow win me over, but...
it can't now, and it can't ever.
Ouch!
It's just the fake romantic shit
you see on those reality dating shows.
It's not real life.
[crying] No.
[Friend] Say goodbye, buddy!
[dramatic music]
[crying]
You see how this is starting to make sense?
Mm-hmm. Her villain origin story.
Look!
Andy Whitworth, age 33.
Schoolteacher dies.
Unexplained sudden seizure.
[suspenseful music]
Holy shit, my phone!
[phone chimes]
And I've got 2300 notifications.
-Okay, call 911. -I will, I will.
I just need to super quickly respond
to these follow requests, okay, super quick.
Sienna, call someone!
Or at least post that we're in trouble.
I'm doing it!
[sighs]
[beeping]
Will you go online and like my post?
[beeping]
Okay, we're in!
Not now, we gotta go.
Kristen!
[beeping, door opens]
[grunting]
[suspenseful music]
I'm sorry, Z.
What the hell are you doing up there?
This is not the time for
a reality show confessional, Terry!
[watch beeping]
What!?
I have to go reactivate the alarm system.
[creepy music]
Holy mother of god...
[groans]
No means no, Harold!
How did the security system get dismantled?
Terry!
[grunts] [corpse splashes]
[suspenseful music]
[Hugh] And now we're here.
It's just all so hard, you know?
I know I have to propose tomorrow.
But the truth is, I don't know which girl to choose.
Lexy, you know that's fake.
This is all...
They made me say this for good TV.
How do I know they also didn't convince you to choose me?
We also made for good TV.
[Hugh] [sighs] Here goes...somethin'.
Forget it. Doesn't matter.
I was dumb to think these shows
could ever foster real relationships.
No, no, no! This couldn't be, man!
I unlocked the entire frickin' house!
[suspenseful music]
Unless someone reactivated the system.
Let's check the front, come on.
[grunts]
Aaah!
Oh my god!
You're worse than a reality show villain
they won't eliminate.
Just when I thought
we were all falling back in love again...
[Sienna] I don't think you get it, asshole.
AJ and I are never, ever getting back together!
-No. -Yeah.
-No. -Yeah, that's right!
The only reason I ever signed up for the dumb show
was for the followers.
AJ and I were never in love.
I just wanted to be an influencer.
[screeches]
[grunts]
You...are...lying!
You...were...in...love!!!
[growls]
[Kristen screams]
[grunts]
[fires two shots]
[pants]
Finally! Shoot him, you idiot!
No! No, no! No--
No more violence, okay?
I, I, I'm not taking part in any more violence.
Look, AJ and Sienna, they never loved each other.
Ask AJ yourself. He'll tell you.
AJ, why is it that you were with Sienna the whole season?
Uh, honestly?
S-S-So I wouldn't get eliminated.
Like, like, wouldn't you pretend to date a girl
so you could stay in paradise for the rest of the summer?
It's just a situationship!
[cocks gun] Hey, hey--
[gunshot] Whoa!
[pants]
Oh my god!
I just got shot!
This, this is what it feels like to get shot!
[pants]
Cool.
[retches]
Not my carpet!
I feel so much better...
You are off the rails! You are worse than
an eliminated chick in a black SUV!
I'm not! Shoot him again, okay?
Everybody knows a gunshot to the shoulder does nothing!
-No. -Yes.
-No. -Yes!
[stammers]
What if you wanna do a reunion special?
Oh, I didn't think about that.
[cocks gun, fires]
Oh my god!
Do I have to do every damn thing around here!?
Those was real gunshots this time.
-They were. -We gotta go.
[Kristen] This is the second time in 30 minutes
you have messed up. You are making more mistakes
than a man on Euro Island . Mm-hmm!
Kristen?
I can't be a part of this, okay?
I can't be a part of this!
What happened to love, romanticism, and, and passion?
We find Lexy and Hugh, or we're going to prison.
You do know there's no endless streaming in prison.
Do you wanna miss the next Vanessa and Nick show?
[suspenseful music]
No.
Well, then. Help me cover the evidence,
because if I go down, you go down.
Hmph! I need to clean up my face.
[music continues]
Hurry, Hugh, close it!
I'm trying!
[music continues]
[clank]
Shhiit.
Hey, hey, what are you two...
-[Kristen] Don't interrupt them. -[Terry] ...doing?
-Mm! -Woo!
[sexy music]
Oh, this not the Boom Boom Room?
We thought we locked the door. We didn't lock the door?
There's no Boom Boom Room in the villa.
Not in the villa.
He, he meant the Fantasy Suites.
Yeah, yeah, we thought this was the Fantasy Suites.
This is...way fancier and more elaborate
than a cheap Boom Boom Room.
Thanks to all your generous efforts,
Hugh and I were just feeling really, um...
-really... -[Hugh] Horny.
-Yup, horny. -Hot.
Hey, look, we, we just wanted to hook up
before the matchmaking ceremony.
Hey, hey, hey!
[cocks gun]
What is that, sweet Lex?
Oh, oh, this?
It's for us, for--
for, for Hugh and I. For the, uh...
-For the sex. -The sex.
Look, we way more kinkier than they made us out to be.
-Mm-hmm. -You know, BDSM?
That's not suitable for television.
BDSM?
With a virgin?
Mm-hmm.
Well, you know what Nick and Vanessa always say.
It's always helpful if you try a new partner.
-Ahh... -[nervous laughter]
[Kristen cackles]
-[Hugh & Lexy whimper] -[Kristen laughs giddily]
[harp music]
-Kristen. -You can't join, Terry.
Excuse me, sorry to interrupt.
Uh, uh, uh, listen. You, um, you wanna see this.
What!?
[Terry] She tagged our location.
This girl is so annoying in person!
Exactly. In any minute, we'll have all of
her 2.4 million followers here unannounced.
Oh, Chrissakes! You know what?
Put them in the basement and I'll go bury the bodies.
No, no! Why don't you leave us here?
Yeah, we swear, we won't go nowhere!
No, the basement is better, okay?
It'll just be for a few weeks.
A couple of months tops, all right?
This has to blow over. It'll fly by
quicker than your virginity. Hah!
-We'll never survive that! -Yeah, I don't wanna die--
Enough, enough, enough!
Look, I'm not gonna hurt you, all right?
I'm also not going to prison without any streaming
I hear they're finally, finally
doing another season of Are You the One?
Oof!
I'm not gonna miss it.
Move out, let's go.
[cocks gun] Move out!
I knew you weren't no damn virgin.
Let's go. Come on, let's go.
-Listen, Terry... -Move.
We know you're a good person.
And we know a lot of what's going on--
Shut up, shut up.
--goes against what you believe in.
No, you don't know me. Let's go.
[Lexy] We know you well enough to know
you have a large capacity to love,
and that there's been only person
to truly recognize that.
You found your soulmate in Devin, Terry.
You know how many people search their entire lives for that
and never find it?
You found it.
Look, we know her death has been difficult,
-but think about what-- -Just shut up, please!
-Shut up! -[Lexy] Okay.
I do not have the mental bandwidth
to deal with this today. Let's go.
Devin died a year ago today, thank you.
[Devin gasping for air]
[Hugh] So you can honor Devin and her memory--
Hey!
Enough of the Devin talk.
I'm already having a hard enough time
getting the image of her seizing to death out of my brain.
[tense music]
-Car-fent-anil. -Yeah.
-What does that mean? -It causes instant seizures
and then death.
-It was the pills, Terry. -What?
Devin must've taken them before the seizure.
She didn't take any pills, okay?
She, she didn't have anything besides a rosé.
I said I'm not talking about it.
[music intensifies]
We need something to celebrate.
Only the best rosé
in our season finale gold chalice.
It was Kristen's rosé.
Kristen poured Devin that final glass of rosé, didn't she?
Look.
I found these pills prescribed on the day of her death.
They were crushed into Devin's gold season finale chalice,
thus causing a seizure and death.
Check the date they were prescribed
and who they're prescribed to.
[tense, but melancholy music]
Devin was murdered by--
[Kristen] Oh, look at us!
We're pretending that we're solving
an itty-bitty true crime show?
[music turns sinister]
It's...It's not true, right?
[scoffs] Really? Really, Terry?
I loved Devin just as much as you did.
How did Andy Whitworth die?
Think about it--sudden seiz--
Don't you dare mention Andy Whitworth's name!
[Terry] Kristen, did you do this?
Tell the truth, Kristen! Tell the truth.
Did you--Did you--
[Kristen] What are you gonna do?
Lock me up in the Shack of Secrets, huh?
You poisoned the love of my life?
She was not the love of your life.
You know nothing about love.
That relationship was all based on your...
dumb fitness passion and sex! A lot of sex.
You know you was-- [makes sex noises]
A lot of sex! It was not about true love,
not about dedication, not about friendship--
nothing that you and I have, Terry!
The only thing that that perfectly fit,
sexy, size three woman did was steal you away from me!
She was my soulmate!
Kristen...
And you were jealous of that.
Yeah, you're right. But the bitch is dead now.
You monster!
[gunshots]
-[yelping] -I'm sorry, I didn't mean--
Whoa, you shot me!
I didn't mean it.
Oh...Oh my god.
I...
Grandma gonna roll over in her grave!
Say hi to Uncle Larry.
[panting]
Wait a minute...
This was...
This whole thing was never about the show.
No!
This wasn't even about contestants or, or me,
or even love.
Kris, this was about you!
I'm sorry!
Oh, sweetie...
Oh, you poor empty bitch.
Yes...you're never gonna find love.
Stop it!
You know why?
Love comes from the inside.
And you're empty.
And you're incapable of it.
You don't know what I'm capable of, Terry.
You suck, you--
[gunshots]
[chuckles]
[tries to speak, wheezes]
Oh, oh, oh, look at what you made me do!
You made me shoot my best friend!
Do you know how hard it is to find a friend?
[laughs]
But now...I have two new best friends, don't I?
Yeah. Yes, I do.
Security-- Security code.
One four three-- One four three--
One four-- [gunshots]
Come on!
Off to the basement you go! Mm-hmm.
[fake British accent] Mind your heads!
[Kristen] We have the only villa
that have stairs that lead up to the basement.
Get on up there, you two!
See what I was trying to do with the place.
I mean, it's like shabby chic
meets the back alleys of West Hollywood.
So make yourselves at home.
Um, if you need anything, just give me a holler.
[laughs] Silly me.
This whole place is soundproof, so I can't hear you!
But I'll visit.
Wait. Kristen.
We forgot to say thank you.
'Scuse me?
We know how much hard work you put into this.
And we know how much you actually care about us.
And it's working.
Really?
[Hugh] Yeah. It really is.
And since the day I met Lex,
I knew we would be together for the rest of our lives.
Oh my god...
Until that last game of Pioneer of Baton.
[Kristen] What happened?
Lexy, you remember what happened
in that last game of Pioneer of Baton, right?
Mm-hmm.
[Hugh] Lexy lost that game.
What!?
She didn't get a single brick...all game.
[Kristen] I'm not surprised.
And then she showed me her fierce spirit.
-And I never loved her more. -Oh, my god...
But that's until I met you, Kristen.
What?
[Hugh] You know, you showed me how to love.
-I showed you!? -You did.
-I did!? -[Hugh] Yes.
-[Kristen] Just little ol' me? -Bring it in.
Finally did something right! Oh my gosh!
-[Hugh] Bring it in! -[Kristen laughs]
-Bring it in. -I did right finally--
[Lexy grunts]
[loud thud]
-Yes! Yes! -Yes, yes.
Good god, that's so satisfying!
-Uh, uh, uh, uh-- -[Both] Uh!
[suspenseful music]
Let's check upstairs!
♪ Dah, dah ♪
[grunts]
[Kristen blabbers]
[cocks gun]
It's obvious you two are here for the wrong reason.
How about Chinese food, then?
I know this great little place down--
[grunting]
[screams]
[suspenseful music]
[types]
[beep]
Thanks, Terry.
[chime]
Got it!
[beeping]
[suspenseful music]
-No! -No!
Let me try!
[Kristen] You two are so adorable.
[timer beeping]
But I think it's time for the final elimination.
[beeping, whirring, door unlocks]
[cocks gun, fires]
[Hugh groans]
-Hugh! -Hugh!
-[moans] -Are you okay?
How romantic is that!
You are such a gentleman taking that bullet for Lexy
the way you did!
See, you, you're the winner that America deserves!
But your girlfriend, on the other hand--
[intensifying music]
[gun clicks]
[Hugh] Lexy, get the hell out of here!
Get the hell out of here.
[grunting]
[suspenseful music]
-[screams] -[Kristen] Bitch!
Oh, you...you one sassy virgin.
You know, they really should've showed more of your feisty side
during your season. That would've been some good TV.
Oh, girl. Lexy, why you do this to me?
I've always only been nice to you.
I always thought that you and Hugh
were always good together.
I gave you guys hope.
And I thought that you and him could convince me
that love was possible for anybody!
I mean, it didn't matter.
The sexless.
The elderly.
The out-of-shape people like me!
What?
You know, Andy said that true love is not real,
that true love is only manufactured...
by TV producers.
[darker] As they say before every commercial break...
in the most dramatic, shocking episode ever...
[metallic whoosh] Oh!
[high-pitched voice] I have a headache!
[moans] [thud]
[pants]
Nicely played.
[panting]
[tender music]
You okay?
How about this new expansion?
You can come over...
Learn these new rules with me.
And...I'll give you two free bricks on our first game.
[chuckles]
Dinner too?
Preferably, uh, Matteo's?
You want me to throw in a trip for two,
island on paradise too?
Is that what you need to make the deal?
I think I could use a break from any sorta...
-paradise island for a while. -[chuckles]
I forgot.
[sirens wailing]
I could settle for two extra brick spaces, though.
[chuckles] You better.
[Lexy chuckles]
[upbeat music]
♪ I'd like to tell ya, tell ya ♪
♪ Do what you wanna do ♪
♪ Talkin' at a table ♪
♪ A table for two ♪
♪ If you can't quite find the words ♪
♪ We'll find another way to tell ♪
♪ Show each other something we've kept to ♪
[horror music sting]
♪ If you want, if you want me to ♪
[Kristen] Terry, what can we watch next?
Oh, he's dead.
♪ I think I found my ♪
♪ I think I found my person ♪
♪ Think I found my ♪
♪ I think I found my person ♪♪
[MTV theme]