[announcer] Please welcome Asif Ali.
[audience cheering]
What the fuck's up, New York? Let's go!
-[audience cheering] -[Asif laughs]
Oh, my God.
Oh, man, I'm so pumped to be here. I'm losing my mind.
I'm dressed like fuckboy hummus.
Yes! I don't know. This place is crazy, dude.
You guys are so lucky. There's so much beautiful diversity in New York.
I didn't grow up around diversity. Are there Indian people here?
-[cheering] -Oh, shit.
I didn't know... I didn't grow up around... I grew up in Arizona, dude.
Yeah, I was fucked.
When you're an immigrant, you go where the job is.
They don't check census or anything.
There was no Indian people when I grew up in Arizona.
It was just white people, Mexican people, then us.
I thought I was Mexican for the first 15 years of my life.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
What's fucked up is I was so good at it.
I was crushing it. I had a fucking bowl cut.
All my soccer moves were all together, dude.
I was putting spice on mango. I was killing it.
I was pissed when they told me I couldn't be Mexican.
They had to confront me. That's how good I was at it.
They came to my birthday party.
My buddy Luis confronted me. He's like, "You can't be Mexican."
"It's disrespectful."
I got emotional. You know what I mean? That was my whole identity at that point.
I, like, took off my pointy-ass hat.
And I was like, "Really? You're gonna do this to me?"
"Here? At my quinceañera?"
[audience laughing]
This is fucking racist, dude.
I was pissed and then I had to become Indian.
I didn't even know that there was a billion Indian people.
I had no clue. When I found out, I was stunned.
I was in high school like,
"We gotta put a condom over this entire country."
There's a billion... A billion of anything is too much.
If you told me there was a billion turtles, I'd say,
"We gotta cut that down by half, right?" [laughs]
We don't give our parents and grandparents enough credit
for making a billion Indian people.
Do you know how hard that is?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex after eating Indian food?
[audience laughing]
You don't know risk.
I dare you weak motherfuckers.
Leave tonight, have two curries, try fucking.
You won't trust any of your holes. We make the future.
-[audience cheering and laughing] -[Asif laughs]
Those heartburn pumps. You better be lucky that shit's spicy,
'cause there'd be four billion of us out this bitch. You know?
We need the challenge.
-Any Chinese people here? -[audience members cheering]
Did your parents talk about sex? No.
What a co-inky-dink. Right, bro?
The two countries with a billion fucking people in them... Never came up.
Then you think about it for a second. You're like, "That's genius, dude."
"You know why we're not talking about it? We're too busy being about it."
Take your pants off, white people. You'll never catch up.
Know why there's only four Asian people here?
'Cause the rest of us are at home, raw-dogging.
[audience laughing]
[Asif laughs]
I went to India recently. I loved it, had a good time.
I went to go see my cousin. He was getting married.
It's a beautiful experience.
What stunned me while I was there is I was watching TV and on the news,
it said that they're still deciding whether to make gay marriage
legal in India, and I was stunned.
Because my whole life I always thought gay marriage was legal in India.
Because I don't know if you've ever been to an Indian wedding before,
but they are quite possibly the gayest events ever put together.
I'm like, "What is straight about three days of segregated dancing?
You came in on a horse wearing a necklace.
There is nothing straight about this event."
How do you even keep gays out of an Indian wedding with a straight face?
Just like, "Get the gays out of here right now. Lock the doors."
"Okay. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to feed my best male friend with my own hands. Open your mouth. Ah..."
[audience laughing]
"Get the girls out of here right now!
"Lock those doors too, okay?
Now what I need... Now that we can get into it...
Okay. Now what I need... I need 14 of my straightest male friends, okay?
What we're going to do...
DJ, I need you to play something cool like Jason Derulo.
And what we're gonna do is hold hands
and then fucking just grind on each other for, like, 22 minutes.
Some real butts-to-nuts shit. You know what I mean?
I want my children to see the photo album
and be like, 'It is unquestionable how straight my father was.'
I know we're all dressed like bisexual wizards."
[laughs]
I love weddings. They're so fun. I hope I get married someday.
I just want what my parents have. My parents were married for 45 years.
Can you imagine that? 45 years.
They're old-school Indian. They got an arranged marriage.
Don't fucking pull back on me now, New York.
You pieces of shit. You appropriate.
I see you guys doing yoga but you won't commit to the culture. I see you.
You'll have a chai latte but you won't marry a stranger. You make me sick.
-[all laugh] -[audience clapping]
No, no, no.
It was what was popping off in India at the time, you know?
It was like the Tinder of their time. One swipe, no take-backs.
[audience laughing]
My parents want me to get an arranged marriage.
My mom's begging me to do it.
And, you know, I grew up in America, so I got American ideas.
So I'll always hit her with the, you know, "What about love?"
"What about The Notebook, Mama?"
When you say that to somebody in an arranged marriage,
they hit you with the same shit every time.
She looks you right in the face and goes, "You learn to love."
That's what they say. Which, if you talk to an old Indian person
and they're doing this, you're being scammed, okay?
And she's like, "You learn to love."
I remember my dad was behind her, and I looked at him.
And then I looked at her and I go, "Do you love Dad?"
And she took the deepest breath I've ever heard in my life.
[laughs] I was like, "Do you love Dad?" And she was like... [inhales deeply]
[exhales deeply]
-"I'm learning." -[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
I was like, "Still? Jesus Christ."
But I don't know. I was a weird kid too.
I wanted to get out of Arizona so bad.
And there weren't any brown people on TV at that time.
I just wanted to get out. It was slim pickings.
You know what I mean? On TV, brown people, there was cab drivers,
various snake charmers. [laughs]
But I was an optimist. I was like, "I want to get out of Arizona.
Snake charmer. Let's fucking go, dude."
I was like, "Career day." Let's do this." I went into the library.
I actually googled it. This is a real thing.
You know you can calm down a cobra with a flute?
This is a real thing. Apparently, like... I don't know.
Jazz confuses them or some shit like that. They're like, "Where are the lyrics?
This isn't a Dua Lipa song. What the fuck is this?"
I was like, "That's cool you figured that out."
But who even brings that up as an option on how to deal with a cobra, dude?
Who's that weirdo at that meeting 1,000 years ago where they're like,
"We've got a kill it with a rock or a stick,"
and there's just some weird dude in the corner, just like, "I have an idea."
[audience laughing]
"What if we seduce it?" And they're like, "Whose cousin is this?"
[laughs]
Could you imagine how weird that must have been, dude?
The first time they charmed a snake?
Could you imagine how nuts that must have been 1,000 years ago?
Some village in India, right?
Cobra comes up, right, just ready to eat a fucking baby or some shit.
You know what I mean?
People are terrified. "Oh, my God! A cobra's here!" Everyone scatters, right?
It seems like it's over for this baby, right? But then, like...
[laughs]
I mean, like, the smoke clears.
You know what I mean? Like out of the jungle, this weird-ass Indian
Lenny Kravitz-looking motherfucker pops out.
Just shirt open, oily for no reason. You know what I mean?
Other kids are up in the trees.
They're like, "Man, that's the guy that fucked my mom and my dad."
[audience laughing]
And he gets up in front of that snake and he's like, "Hold on.
I'm going to play this slippery bitch one of my hit singles,"
and just fucking rips on that flute, dude, playing the Ginuwine "Pony" of its time,
just fucking ripping it, dude, like a Vegas residency Usher performance.
You know what I mean?
Getting the snake all fucking Keke hot. You know what I mean?
Right? And it fucking works.
People must have been like, 'What the fuck is going on?
Why do you have an erection?"
And he's like, "Peace, dude." Just fucking dips out, dude.
I used to think that was the craziest part about that.
But I got high once. I'm gonna be honest with you.
And I was like, "That's not even close."
You know what the craziest part about that must have been?
-What it was like for that snake. -[audience laughing]
Think about it. You're a snake.
You're fucking... You run the jungle. No one can stop you.
You just roll up on a family, swallow a baby, move on. No one can...
You had no idea you were meeting the champion of R&B this afternoon.
[all laughing]
You had no idea his ass was about to get smoothed out by jazz, dude.
You just rolled up, another village. Full snake confidence.
Just like, "I'm gonna eat every single one of you..."
[moans] "Fuck!
Oh, chill, Daddy.
Oh, my God. Are you on Spotify? God damn.
Fuck. My tongue is going crazy right now.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Time-out.
Time-out.
This is so random.
Who are you?"
[inhales deeply]
[moaning]
"Put me in this wicker basket."
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
[audience cheering]
I love you guys. I'm Asif Ali. Thank you so much. Thank you.
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Give it up for Sabrina Wu.
[audience cheering]
[cheering continues]
-Oh, my God. That's it? -[audience laughing]
Um, I love doing stand-up.
Because I am Asian, though, everyone is obsessed with asking me,
like, "What do your Asian parents think of your comedy?"
Okay, this is what my mom said.
"I don't like comedy. I don't understand the value of laughter."
[audience laughing]
Pretty funny.
I said what she said on video once and then everybody was so taken aback.
So I panicked and I was like, "But she's like an immigrant from China."
And that is when the comments section went crazy.
All of the white people were like, "Oh, my God. That is so sad.
A country full of people who don't laugh."
And then the Chinese people were like, "I'm Chinese. I laugh."
[audience laughing]
And then they started a thread about how I'm racist.
I was like, "Oh, God. Chinese people, you win.
-My mom is uniquely a bitch." -[audience laughing]
That's my mom. My dad, he's fun.
I came out to him, like, a year ago.
-I said... -[audience whooping and cheering]
Great. I came out to him. I said, "Hey, Dad, I'm trans," and my dad went,
"Well, I'm driving!"
And honestly, I always suspected he might be a driver. Um...
[audience laughing]
I was like, "I'm thinking about going on T, taking testosterone."
He was like, "You don't like your body? Well, do you think I like my face?
Do you think I like my skin, my eyes?" He kept going for so long.
Then I had to pause coming out to be like, "No, Dad, don't be sad.
-You're so sexy." -[audience laughing]
He was like, "What?" I was like, "If you weren't my dad, I..."
[audience laughing]
The closing note of that conversation,
he was like, "If you do anything to your body, your grandma's gonna die."
I was like, "What are you saying?
She's transphobic and there's an easy way to get rid of her?"
[audience laughing]
It didn't hurt the way I think he thought it would,
because it is so different to be an adult with a dad...
Like, when you're a kid and your dad says shit,
it can really weigh on you. You're like, "Am I a bad kid?"
But when you're an adult and he says shit,
you're sort of just like, "Is this guy, like, autistic?"
[audience laughing]
Every day I'm on TikTok, like, "Is he autistic?
Is he a narcissist? Is he, like, a misogynist?
Oh, my God. Has he been gay this whole time?"
Speaking of gay... I have a little trick for you.
You can tell if a girl is gay based off of her smile.
I'll show you. Ready? Okay. Straight girls smile like this.
And then gay girls smile like this.
[audience laughing]
-So true. -[audience laughing]
Now, my greatest sexual fantasy...
This bit is even dumber, but it is better if you all buy in. Okay.
My greatest sexual fantasy...
I'm a cop. She's also a cop.
I walk in. I'm like, "You're under arrest."
She's like, "You're under arrest."
And then we're both like, "Whoa, if I'm here and you're here,
this is kind of a waste of taxpayer money."
Then we do it doggy-style hyper-realistically,
out of respect to our canine units.
[audience laughing]
-Now, my second greatest sexual fantasy... -[audience laughing]
I'm home alone. She's away.
Now my third greatest sexual fantasy...
[audience laughing]
I'm hot and in high school again.
"Thanks for meeting me under the bleachers."
"Thanks for bringing alcohol." I'm like, "Can I kiss you?"
She's like, "What? I'm not gay."
I'm like, "Right." And then we both go to prom with boys.
[audience laughing]
Those moments are why I get so confused and upset
when people are like, "You gay.
You know, you're so brave. You badass. You gay."
I'm like, "Have you heard me, or any two queer people talk to each other?"
It's literally one person going,
"Oh, my God. I'm sorry I keep saying sorry,"
and the other person going, "No, but that is so valid."
[audience laughing]
Oh, I'm badass? I was in a closeted, label-less relationship for a year,
and this woman goes, "I love you. You mean the world to me.
Do you want to be my squirrel friend?"
She says squirrel friend because girlfriend is too scary.
And instead of being like, "Fuck off," I go...
Oh. [chuckles nervously and chitters]
[audience laughing]
You laugh and you clap. That is my life.
And potentially even more embarrassing... I am in a polycule.
I am the hinge in a V.
So I have two people who are dating me but not dating each other.
And if we have to put, like, a label on it,
technically, that makes me kind of a baller. [laughs]
-[cheering] -No, no, no. Literally, it's too much.
That's too many identifiers.
Gay, Asian, trans. Now I'm a total daddy too?
[audience cheering]
People are so weird about it.
They're like, "I don't get it. I could never do that.
I could never do that." No, I would so much rather be like...
No one's asked me, but I would so much rather be
non-monogamous first, and non-binary second.
I'm sick and tired of seeing my name like,
"Sabrina Wu, parentheses, they slash them."
I want to see my name,
"Sabrina Wu, parentheses, they have two girlfriends."
[audience laughing]
"Slash, no big deal."
I love saying stupid shit like that. That's why I just... I never want to be
a spokesperson for any marginalized group.
I was in that movie, Joy Ride with, like...
[audience cheering]
With a lot of Asian people, and any time a journalist talked to us,
it would be like, "What's it like being an Asian actor?"
You'd be like, "It's awesome."
"An Asian in comedy?" "Awesome."
I was asked what it's like being Asian so many times,
I stopped saying it's awesome.
I started saying it's mid.
[audience laughing]
You want to know what it's really like?
Being an actor in an R-rated sex comedy, for Asian Americans...
You're recording promo, and your lines are literally,
"Hey, sluts. Hey, you dirty slut.
Hey, cunt whore, bitch slut, like,
you gotta see Joy Ride because representation is so important."
In one breath, I would literally go, "We raunchy, we horny.
-We will stop Asian hate." -[audience laughing]
As much as I'm like, "I'd never want to be a spokesperson,"
there's a part of me that's like, "It could be a little nice to be an icon,"
because I am in such an embarrassing rivalry.
Many years ago, when I was in college, I did a story slam.
I went up, I ate shit, and this girl went up right after me.
Won the whole thing and everyone was like, "Oh, she's gonna be famous.
She's such a good performer," and I screamed,
"I'm the one who's gonna be famous! I'm the good performer!"
[audience laughing]
It's been seven years. And, look, this special is a huge honor.
[audience cheering]
It doesn't fucking matter.
Because that girl is literally inaugural youth poet laureate, Amanda Gorman.
[audience laughing]
One time someone was like, "You'll catch up."
-I was like, "Literally how?" -[audience laughing]
Sometimes people are like, "You were in Joy Ride."
I was like, "Great. I was in an R-rated sex comedy that was a box office flop."
Listen to what she's been up to.
She was invited to perform at President Biden's inauguration,
and at that performance, people sort of say that she united the country.
[audience laughing]
Michelle Obama said she changed her life.
[audience laughing]
And she wore pink!
Since then, she has hosted the Met Gala, been on the cover of Vogue.
She's a New York Times best-seller. She was nominated for a Grammy.
-Is that even her fucking art form? -[audience laughing]
Great. I'm a successful sex clown. She's our Joan of Arc.
[audience laughing]
Like, she's perfect to her core. Like, anytime I'd ever see her,
I'd be like, "Hi, Amanda," and she would go, "Hi, Sabrina."
And she would go home and probably not think about me.
But then I would go home and write a lot of standup about her.
And she's running for president.
In college, she'd be like,
"One day, I could be the first Black woman president."
When I was in college, my big dream, I was like,
"Maybe one day I could be like an Asian Jack Black."
[audience laughing]
Hey, do you guys think that when Malala got really famous,
there was also someone in the back, just like...
[screaming]
"It should have been me!"
[audience laughing]
Just something to think about. [laughs]
[audience laughing]
-Well, I actually have a poem for you. -[audience laughing]
Okay, it's a YouTube comment on one of my standup videos that I memorized.
It goes...
"Women literally only funny
when on testosterone and pretending to be a man.
Well, that didn't work for Hannah Dykesby.
But, China Boy, you're actually really funny.
Great job, they."
[audience laughing]
Who's uniting the country now, bitch?
-Okay. -[audience cheering]
I've been Sabrina Wu. Thank you so much.
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Welcome to the stage, Gianmarco Soresi!
[audience cheering]
Hello!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I get most of my material just existing in New York City.
Like, this is a true story.
I was on the train once. There was a couple across from me.
The man said to the woman, "What do you want to do for dinner?"
And I swear to God, the woman said...
"I think that lanky Jew is listening to our conversation."
[audience laughing]
I am Jewish. But my name is Gianmarco Soresi.
It's like my parents knew the Nazis were coming back.
I don't make a big deal out of being Jewish
unless I'm losing an argument with a person of color. Because...
[audience laughing]
I worry that I reinforce a lot of negative Jewish stereotypes.
Like, I'm neurotic. I'm cheap.
But I'm also a bad driver.
And that's an Asian stereotype.
I'm not saying it's true, but I like to believe
that when I'm swerving all over the highway,
some racist piece of shit behind me is like,
"Learn how to drive, you fucking... Jew?"
[audience laughing]
What if the world's more complicated than I once thought?
If Jews can't merge lanes, how could they run the world?
It doesn't make any sense.
Obviously, Jews do not run the world.
We would if we could. But Jews do not recruit.
That's Christians.
Christians are the ones running up to everyone, Bible in hand,
like, "Heard the good news?"
You'll never see a Jew run up to an uncircumcised guy with a scalpel,
-like, "Have you heard the bad news?" -[audience laughing]
But maybe we need to start.
I was recently performing in Houston, Texas.
I was on stage. I said, "I'm Jewish."
Someone in the audience went, "Yuck!"
But joke's on him. That's Hebrew for "great job."
[audience laughing]
In all honesty, I do worry about this recent spike in anti-Semitism,
because anti-Semitism is the backbone for, like, a lot of my jokes.
It doesn't feel good as a comedian to make fun of a group if that group
is already being mistreated by society.
That's why we'd all feel uncomfortable
if I started making jokes at the expense of Black people
or at the expense of trans people.
But if I shit on Italians...
nobody give-a the fuck.
[audience laughing]
Nobody give-a the fuck. You know why? 'Cause they're fine.
Italians aren't being mistreated by the police.
Most of them are the police.
That's why if you do blackface, you get fired.
If I'm like, "It's-a-me, Mario," what am I gonna lose? A gig in New Jersey?
I don't give-a the fuck.
I just feel like if white people would stop complaining
all the time about cancel culture and actually fought for racial equality,
then all of us could do the Chinese accent again.
[audience laughing]
My dad still does it.
Every time we go to this restaurant in our neighborhood,
my dad will do his entire order in a full Chinese accent.
And I know I should tell him to stop, but it's the only time I see him happy.
I don't have the heart to tell him it's an Indian restaurant.
[audience laughing]
I was nervous.
I don't know if you saw. A couple of months ago,
there was a comedy club in North Carolina where an audience member pulled out a gun.
I always get scared, if that ever happens at one of my shows,
there won't be enough people for a mass shooting.
But I feel great about tonight. So thank you so much for coming out.
[audience cheering]
I recently went to my first ever gun show.
And I'm not into guns. But I was in Florida
and I figured I'd learn about their culture.
I walked in and they had every gun you can imagine.
AR-15s, M-16s, AK-47s.
It's hard to tell the difference, 'cause that's their LGBTQIA2+.
But before I could walk around, this young woman, she ran up to me
and handed me a free pocket Constitution.
-And I was shocked she could read. -[audience laughing]
She pulled me aside and she was like,
"Did you know they don't even teach the Second Amendment in schools anymore?"
I was like, "Don't you think they're getting enough hands-on experience?"
[audience exclaim softly]
That's not what I said. I wanted to, but I was scared.
I was freaking out the whole time I was there
that some crazy motherfucker was gonna show up
and start shooting, but then I was like, "Wait.
No one would be crazy enough to try that because everyone has a gun.
Maybe there'd be no more mass shootings if everyone...
I have to get the fuck out of Florida. What the fuck did I say?"
[audience laughing and clapping]
It's a good argument.
I was so persuaded, I went to a shooting range.
And let me tell you something.
If you really believe that the only thing
that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun,
then you have never seen me shoot a gun.
[audience laughing]
If I tried stopping a mass shooter, you would think we were in it together.
The news would be like,
"A mass shooter and his blind accomplice stormed a gun show,
taking out 14 windows and lighting fixtures."
There's no point debating it, though. Everyone's already made up their mind.
I know an argument's over with someone when they say,
"What would the Founding Fathers think?"
"Buddy, I don't care what my regular father thinks. Try again."
If Benjamin Franklin were alive today, he'd be like, "What's a poke bowl?"
-He wouldn't give a shit about any of us. -[audience laughing]
And obviously I'm a liberal cuck.
But even liberals,
they can be hypocritical about guns, especially Hollywood.
Everyone in Hollywood claims to be anti-guns.
Then they make more fucking gun movies.
If you're anti-guns, make more karate films.
I'd rather be kicked by Alec Baldwin. Wouldn't you?
[audience laughing]
Why did they resume filming on that movie? Tell me.
How do you give it a positive review?
You're gonna be, like, "Rolling Stone says 'worth it'"?
-[audience laughing] -"Vanity Fair, 'Baldwin never misses.'"
I used to be a theater kid, but you could all tell, right?
[audience cheering]
I know. I can't hide it.
I did a show hosted by a drag queen. She told me to take it down a notch.
When she brought me on stage, she said,
"This next comedian looks like before he tells a joke,
he whispers five, six, seven, eight."
My acting teacher told me, "You can take the boy out of the theater,
but you can't take the dick out of his ass."
[audience laughing]
I've been an actor longer than I've been a comedian.
I've shared the stage with people who have gone on
-to become huge real estate agents. -[audience laughing]
I was in the movie Wolf of Wall Street.
I played Leonardo DiCaprio's waiter. Small part but I wanted to do well.
So to prepare for the role, I actually became a waiter for 12 years.
[audience laughing]
It's called extra work.
You're on screen, but you don't have any lines.
You're basically furniture but with dreams.
It was depressing doing The Wolf of Wall Street
because I've never been closer to my dreams yet further away.
It would be like if the love of your life were on top of you
getting fucked by Leonardo DiCaprio.
That is my time. Thank you very much. Good night.
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Put your hands together for Rosebud Baker.
[audience cheering]
Oh.
Oh, my God. Thank you so much. I am eight and a half months pregnant.
[audience cheering]
[laughs] Give it up for the splash zone.
Um...
Sorry. They were supposed to give you guys ponchos.
I would say I'm happy to be here.
I just barely know where the fuck I am at this point.
Honestly, I'm just... I've been pregnant my entire life at this point.
[sighs] I'm like, "She's got to be 18 by now.
She's got to come out paying taxes."
You get a lot of advice being pregnant. I don't like any of it.
Um, one of the things was, like, no hot baths.
They were, like, "Just no hot baths."
I was like, "What, is that gonna, like, boil the baby or..."
They're like, "Yes, you'll boil the child. No hot baths."
All of the advice essentially is
if you enjoy it as a mother, you have to stop. It will kill the child.
That's the advice, you know, unless it's reality TV,
which is shocking to me because the amount of reality TV
that I've watched since getting pregnant, it's got to be worse than smoking.
It can't be good.
I mean, it's the worst kind of thing you can put in your body...
other than maybe murder shows, but at least those,
like, they have the decency to kill those women at the end, you know?
[audience laughing]
[Rosebud laughs]
Anyway, I... [laughs]
The point is, no hot baths.
I feel like she's gonna have a lifetime with me as her mom.
I feel like she can get all the warmth that she can right now.
Like, take it while you can.
I just...I hate that you're not supposed to complain
about being pregnant, I guess, 'cause it's a blessing.
Uh, you know, it just sounds ungrateful to people.
But listen. I can want a kid and hate being pregnant.
I can want to... Right?
You're allowed to be hungry and not want to cook.
[audience laughing]
Like, I'm excited to have a kid.
I just want somebody to Postmates her to my house.
That's all. You know what I mean? My mom has four kids.
I tried complaining about it. This is what she said.
She goes, "Rosie, pregnancy is not a disability."
I was like, "If it's not a disability,
why do I shit my pants when I tie my shoes?"
[audience laughing]
If that's not a disability, it's a new ability. I know that.
-Couldn't do that before. -[audience laughing]
She goes, "Listen, Rosie.
Pregnant women used to work all day in the fields."
I was like, "What? Are you talking about slavery right now?
-What fields? -[audience laughing]
"What fields did you have to work in as a lawyer's wife, Janet?
I'm curious."
If there's one thing I've learned from being pregnant,
it's that nobody gives a shit about women's pain.
They don't care at all.
You could walk into a hospital with a gunshot wound,
and they'll be like, "Eat some yogurt, walk it off."
They're just guessing. You might as well go to the vet.
They have no idea.
I have something called SPD, which I didn't know about.
Okay, SPD is basically when the weight of your baby is so much that
it's splitting my pelvis in half.
Yeah, that's allowed to happen. They just... They go, "That's normal."
You know what they said to do for the pain?
She goes, "Keep your legs together."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Lady, if I knew how to do that, I wouldn't fucking be here."
[audience laughing]
Keep my legs together?
I was like, "Did you just bill my insurance to call me a whore?"
Then finally she goes,
"Okay, fine. If you really need something, we have this medieval belt."
Essentially. She didn't call it that, but that's what it is.
She goes, "It's a belt that tapes your pelvis together."
It goes around your waist and between your thighs.
Like a seat belt for your pussy.
Okay? And it's just, like, basically... You know what?
I'm just gonna show it to you. Look at this.
[audience cheering]
Yeah. Yeah, it's a nightmare.
It's a fucking nightmare.
It looks like Brooklyn Bridge in my underpants.
[audience laughing]
Okay. Honestly, I have to ice my pussy every night
because my fucking pelvis is splitting in half.
And the best thing doctors have come up with is a strap-on with no dick.
[audience laughing]
Thank you, women's medicine.
People say there's nothing more feminine than being pregnant.
I'm like, "That is not fucking true."
Okay? This is the least feminine I've ever been.
-I'm a fat man for the first time. -[audience laughing]
That's what I am. Okay? I can't...
I haven't taken a smooth shit in eight months,
and I sweat sitting down now.
I watched The Whale just to have something to relate to.
[audience laughing]
It is not... It does... It's not easy to feel sexy like this, okay?
There's some pregnant women who are like, "I got so horny."
I'm like, "Why don't you keep that to your fucking self?"
I can't feel sexy like that. I tried fucking my husband.
Halfway through, I was like, "You're all over the place. Get out."
Like a hall monitor. It was insane.
It wasn't anything he did.
I was like, "There's too many people inside me."
[audience laughing]
"I'm getting gangbanged by my whole fucking family."
I swear to God, this whole thing has just made me believe that God is a man.
Because when it's over, my hormones delete my memory of all the bad shit,
so I'll do it all over again.
Like nature's roofie. I'm like, "That's a man's work."
[audience member cheers]
And people, they ask me... They go like,
"Are you worried about global warming, with your kid?"
I'm like, "No, no. I'm raising her in a fucking late-30s womb."
"I'm pretty sure the walls are melting in there. I don't..."
It's mostly empty JUUL pods and Starbucks cups.
She's gonna be fine. She's gonna be very resourceful.
Mostly, I'm worried about being pregnant while Roe v. Wade got overturned.
You know, that's like... 'Cause I look at myself in the mirror,
I go like, "Whose fucking side are you on?" You know?
-It's... -[audience laughing]
I'm like, "You're like an agent of the state now. That's..."
You can't be excited about being pregnant while Roe v. Wade is overturned.
It's like walking up to Rosa Parks during the boycott like,
"I don't know what's going on outside, but I just got a free bus pass."
[audience laughing]
"Be happy for me."
No. Matter of fact... I mean, listen.
We live in New York, it doesn't affect us much.
Let's be honest. It doesn't.
But the week that they overturned Roe v. Wade,
they also banned the sale of JUULs, and that is where I draw the fucking line.
It might feel weird to hear a pregnant lady say this,
but you can't ban vaping and abortion in the same week.
-'Cause I'm gonna buy a gun. -[audience laughing]
If I lived in Texas...
Are you kidding me? I would have wandered
into an abortion clinic and been like, "Hey, can I get an abortion?"
If they said no, I'd be like,
"I'm gonna shoot myself directly in the pussy."
That's what's next.
I'd shove the whole gun up there. I'd give a new meaning to concealed carry.
I'll just waddle into a clinic.
-Vaping. Can I... -[audience laughing]
Can I get an abortion?
If they say no, I'd just do one Kegel and blow myself to bits.
That's... "Sorry for the mess."
-"Could have been avoided." -[audience laughing]
That's my time. I gotta go. Bye. You guys have been great.
[audience cheering]
Thank you so much.
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Dulcé Sloan!
[audience cheering]
-You're welcome. -[audience whooping]
How y'all doing? That's great. Listen.
So, we are celebrating your girl.
-All right? I just bought a new house. -[audience cheering]
I just got a new car.
[audience cheering]
Now I need a new man, and that's a little bit more tricky. Um...
'Cause I'm trying to change my tactics.
You know, 'cause I have a tendency to sleep with broke men.
And I'm trying to stop doing that.
But it's hard because broke dick is amazing.
-Um... -[audience laughing]
I don't know if you've ever had it, but, whoo, 10 out of 10.
But the thing is broke dick is amazing because it has to be.
They have absolutely nothing else to offer you.
That man has to fuck you to sleep so he has a place to sleep.
This is when somebody usually goes, "Oh, no."
Oh, yes, I see you. Hello. I saw you.
But you didn't know they were broke
until they came in your house with two backpacks.
'Cause one backpack, he's just running around the city.
Two backpacks, he is sleeping around the city.
-This man is a hobo-sexual. -[audience laughing]
You have to be very careful.
And I'm doing well. They trying to trap me.
They're trying to trap me.
But they say crazy stuff like,
"I don't like condoms. They're uncomfortable."
You know what's uncomfortable? Knowing you for 18 years, sir.
I'll wrap myself in aluminum foil before I let you touch me.
You don't know if you're dealing with one. They dress like everybody else.
Head-to-toe Carhartt and sneakers like everybody else.
And one of them almost got me.
I was at a dive bar, which means I have a lot of white friends. And...
Also, can we take a second to talk about dive bars? What the fuck?
Why are they always wet?
Why is the floor raining?
Why is the ceiling dripping? Why am I drinking in a rain forest?
What is happening in here? And then the bathroom.
What the... The... Why?
Who knew that so many adults
were walking around with markers and paint pens?
How does this happen?
Your friend called, "Anybody wanna go to a dive bar?"
-"Yeah. Let me stop at Michaels first." -[audience laughing]
And then the stickers...
The fuck... This is elementary school level.
Stickers? Do you think that this is how your band's gonna get discovered?
Sir, go to rehearsal. Start a SoundCloud.
You don't need a sticker budget. You need instruments.
When I'm at this dive bar, I'm at the bar,
waiting for my whiskey, minding my business,
being a Christian, and...
Top shelf. Thank you so much. I'm doing well. And so...
This dude comes talking to me, you know, coming and trying to chat me up.
And, you know, he's white,
'cause a Black dude in a dive bar is not trying to talk to me.
My hair could be on fire and a Black dude in would be like, "Hmm. Unfortunate."
[audience laughing]
"Yo, Molly." He's not trying to talk to me.
The thing is, you have to be careful
when a man in these situations tries to talk to you.
You're already in a broke kind of atmosphere.
It's a dive bar. They're sponsored by very broke things.
If you want to know if you're dealing with a broke in the wild,
you have to pay attention to what he orders, and how did he pay.
"What's the broke thing to order?" You know what it is.
PBR. We all know.
I don't know if you know how they make PBR,
but they take mobile homes and juice them.
[audience laughing]
Trailers, single wide.
Every PBR is 60% trailer juice, 40% unfiltered water.
You know I'm right. Every time your jive-having ass took a sip,
you're like, "What is that?"
Is that teen pregnancy? What am I tasting?
White poverty? What is that?"
Voting against your own interests. There we go.
That's what that is.
But see, here's the thing.
I had to be very careful, when talking to this man,
'cause the other thing you have to think about is how did he pay.
I thought the brokest way to pay for something was change.
Mmm-mmm.
I saw this man pay for this PBR with wet money.
[audience laughing]
The question is, how's the money wet? His pants are dry.
[audience laughing]
Have you gotten paper wet?
Got money wet? You got to be careful.
It'll disintegrate. It's wet paper.
But this man needed three wet dollars.
From his seven wet dollars.
And I saw this man separate this money
with the precision, focus and heart...
of somebody diffusing a bomb.
Just truly... [exhales]
He mopped his brow at one point, and he gets it separated,
slaps it down on the bar, and I see the bartender come over
and start peeling it and look at me and go, "Mmm-mmm."
While the bartender's peeling up the money, he sips his beer.
He looks at me and goes... "So what's your name?"
To which I took a sip of my whiskey
and looked at him and said, "You'll never fucking know."
[audience cheering]
Because that man was broke as shit.
And his dick was gonna be amazing. Do you understand me?
I would've woken up the next day and been Bambi on ice.
You wouldn't have been able to get me.
I'd have paid his student loans, his mama's mortgage.
Understand? I had to save my own life.
Other things I've never understood.
Broke dudes always have money for drugs, which...
I've always been afraid of drugs, 'cause I took D.A.R.E. in Miami.
I don't know if you've heard of Miami. It's where drugs start.
So, that made me very afraid of drugs.
I remember at ten years old, learning about heroin.
And I was like, "Why do you need so many things to do it?"
You need a spoon, a knife, a syringe, a lighter,
a belt, you need a case to put it all in, and then you still don't have drugs.
[audience laughing]
And when you get the drugs, you gotta cook them.
-Why do I have raw drugs? -[audience laughing]
What is this farm-to-table narcotics situation?
[audience laughing]
Cocaine, I don't understand. It uses the metric system.
I'm an American. I don't know what we're doing.
The hell are you talking about?
Understand? I don't get what's going on.
I grew up listening to trap music, so I have a great time most of the time.
But they're always talking about bricks, keys.
I don't know about the bricks of things.
If I can call somebody and be like,
"Let me get a Philadelphia cream cheese brick of cocaine,"
I know exactly how much that is.
I know how to break that down, how to spread that out.
Like... "Would you like a schmear of cocaine?" I know how much cocaine that is.
Roll into a party with five bagels of cocaine.
You will have a great night, I promise you.
Weed? Too much math.
I never know how much weed somebody is buying.
My homeboy was like, "I'm waiting for my dealer."
And I was like, "What? Dealer? Sir. We have dispensaries now.
You can buy weed and get a receipt.
Why are you committing crime for no reason?"
He's like, "I need a quarter. Maybe an eighth." I'm like, "Of What?"
He said, "Of what?" I said, "A quarter. It's a fraction."
If there's a fraction, there's a whole thing.
-What's the whole thing? -[audience laughing]
I've never been friends with the person who bought the whole thing.
I'm friends with the person that bought the fraction. What's the whole thing?
-I'm asking, what's the whole thing? -[audience laughing]
How much?
How the fuck much? You never bought an ounce of anything.
Nobody knows how much an ounce is. Americans don't know.
If you call somebody, be like, "Hey."
Let me get two tablespoons of weed," you know how much weed that is.
[audience cheering]
-Bye. -[audience cheering]
[cheering continues]