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[announcer] Please welcome Asif Ali.
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[audience cheering]
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What the fuck's up, New York? Let's go!
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-[audience cheering]
-[Asif laughs]
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Oh, my God.
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Oh, man, I'm so pumped to be here.
I'm losing my mind.
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I'm dressed like fuckboy hummus.
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Yes! I don't know.
This place is crazy, dude.
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You guys are so lucky. There's so much
beautiful diversity in New York.
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I didn't grow up around diversity.
Are there Indian people here?
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-[cheering]
-Oh, shit.
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I didn't know... I didn't grow up around...
I grew up in Arizona, dude.
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Yeah, I was fucked.
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When you're an immigrant,
you go where the job is.
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They don't check census or anything.
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There was no Indian people
when I grew up in Arizona.
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It was just white people,
Mexican people, then us.
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I thought I was Mexican
for the first 15 years of my life.
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I'm not gonna lie to you.
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What's fucked up is I was so good at it.
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I was crushing it.
I had a fucking bowl cut.
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All my soccer moves
were all together, dude.
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I was putting spice on mango.
I was killing it.
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I was pissed when they told me
I couldn't be Mexican.
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They had to confront me.
That's how good I was at it.
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They came to my birthday party.
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My buddy Luis confronted me.
He's like, "You can't be Mexican."
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"It's disrespectful."
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I got emotional. You know what I mean?
That was my whole identity at that point.
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I, like, took off my pointy-ass hat.
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And I was like,
"Really? You're gonna do this to me?"
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"Here? At my quinceañera?"
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[audience laughing]
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This is fucking racist, dude.
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I was pissed and then
I had to become Indian.
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I didn't even know
that there was a billion Indian people.
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I had no clue.
When I found out, I was stunned.
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I was in high school like,
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"We gotta put a condom
over this entire country."
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There's a billion...
A billion of anything is too much.
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If you told me there was
a billion turtles, I'd say,
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"We gotta cut that down
by half, right?" [laughs]
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We don't give our parents
and grandparents enough credit
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for making a billion Indian people.
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Do you know how hard that is?
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Do you know how hard it is to have sex
after eating Indian food?
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[audience laughing]
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You don't know risk.
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I dare you weak motherfuckers.
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Leave tonight,
have two curries, try fucking.
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You won't trust any of your holes.
We make the future.
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-[audience cheering and laughing]
-[Asif laughs]
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Those heartburn pumps.
You better be lucky that shit's spicy,
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'cause there'd be four billion of us
out this bitch. You know?
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We need the challenge.
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-Any Chinese people here?
-[audience members cheering]
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Did your parents talk about sex? No.
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What a co-inky-dink. Right, bro?
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The two countries with a billion
fucking people in them... Never came up.
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Then you think about it for a second.
You're like, "That's genius, dude."
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"You know why we're not talking about it?
We're too busy being about it."
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Take your pants off, white people.
You'll never catch up.
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Know why there's only
four Asian people here?
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'Cause the rest of us
are at home, raw-dogging.
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[audience laughing]
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[Asif laughs]
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I went to India recently.
I loved it, had a good time.
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I went to go see my cousin.
He was getting married.
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It's a beautiful experience.
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What stunned me while I was there
is I was watching TV and on the news,
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it said that they're still deciding
whether to make gay marriage
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legal in India, and I was stunned.
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Because my whole life I always thought
gay marriage was legal in India.
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Because I don't know if you've ever been
to an Indian wedding before,
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but they are quite possibly
the gayest events ever put together.
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I'm like, "What is straight about
three days of segregated dancing?
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You came in on a horse
wearing a necklace.
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There is nothing straight
about this event."
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How do you even keep gays out
of an Indian wedding with a straight face?
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Just like, "Get the gays
out of here right now. Lock the doors."
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"Okay. Now, if you'll excuse me,
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I'm going to feed my best male friend with
my own hands. Open your mouth. Ah..."
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[audience laughing]
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"Get the girls out of here right now!
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"Lock those doors too, okay?
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Now what I need...
Now that we can get into it...
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Okay. Now what I need... I need
14 of my straightest male friends, okay?
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What we're going to do...
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DJ, I need you to play
something cool like Jason Derulo.
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And what we're gonna do is hold hands
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and then fucking just grind
on each other for, like, 22 minutes.
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Some real butts-to-nuts shit.
You know what I mean?
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I want my children to see the photo album
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and be like, 'It is unquestionable
how straight my father was.'
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I know we're all dressed
like bisexual wizards."
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[laughs]
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I love weddings. They're so fun.
I hope I get married someday.
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I just want what my parents have.
My parents were married for 45 years.
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Can you imagine that? 45 years.
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They're old-school Indian.
They got an arranged marriage.
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Don't fucking pull back
on me now, New York.
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You pieces of shit. You appropriate.
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I see you guys doing yoga but you
won't commit to the culture. I see you.
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You'll have a chai latte but you won't
marry a stranger. You make me sick.
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-[all laugh]
-[audience clapping]
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No, no, no.
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It was what was popping off in India
at the time, you know?
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It was like the Tinder of their time.
One swipe, no take-backs.
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[audience laughing]
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My parents want me to get
an arranged marriage.
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My mom's begging me to do it.
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And, you know, I grew up in America,
so I got American ideas.
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So I'll always hit her with the,
you know, "What about love?"
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"What about The Notebook, Mama?"
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When you say that to somebody
in an arranged marriage,
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they hit you with the same shit
every time.
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She looks you right in the face
and goes, "You learn to love."
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That's what they say.
Which, if you talk to an old Indian person
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and they're doing this,
you're being scammed, okay?
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And she's like, "You learn to love."
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I remember my dad was behind her,
and I looked at him.
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And then I looked at her and I go,
"Do you love Dad?"
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And she took the deepest breath
I've ever heard in my life.
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[laughs] I was like, "Do you love Dad?"
And she was like... [inhales deeply]
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[exhales deeply]
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-"I'm learning."
-[audience laughing]
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[audience cheering]
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I was like, "Still? Jesus Christ."
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But I don't know. I was a weird kid too.
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I wanted to get out of Arizona so bad.
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And there weren't
any brown people on TV at that time.
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I just wanted to get out.
It was slim pickings.
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You know what I mean? On TV,
brown people, there was cab drivers,
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various snake charmers. [laughs]
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But I was an optimist. I was like,
"I want to get out of Arizona.
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Snake charmer. Let's fucking go, dude."
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I was like, "Career day."
Let's do this." I went into the library.
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I actually googled it.
This is a real thing.
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You know you can
calm down a cobra with a flute?
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This is a real thing.
Apparently, like... I don't know.
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Jazz confuses them or some shit like that.
They're like, "Where are the lyrics?
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This isn't a Dua Lipa song.
What the fuck is this?"
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I was like, "That's cool
you figured that out."
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But who even brings that up as an option
on how to deal with a cobra, dude?
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Who's that weirdo at that meeting
1,000 years ago where they're like,
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"We've got a kill it
with a rock or a stick,"
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and there's just some weird dude in
the corner, just like, "I have an idea."
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[audience laughing]
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"What if we seduce it?"
And they're like, "Whose cousin is this?"
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[laughs]
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Could you imagine how weird
that must have been, dude?
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The first time they charmed a snake?
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Could you imagine how nuts
that must have been 1,000 years ago?
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Some village in India, right?
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Cobra comes up, right, just ready
to eat a fucking baby or some shit.
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You know what I mean?
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People are terrified. "Oh, my God!
A cobra's here!" Everyone scatters, right?
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It seems like it's over for
this baby, right? But then, like...
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[laughs]
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I mean, like, the smoke clears.
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You know what I mean? Like out of
the jungle, this weird-ass Indian
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Lenny Kravitz-looking
motherfucker pops out.
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Just shirt open, oily for no reason.
You know what I mean?
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Other kids are up in the trees.
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They're like, "Man, that's the guy
that fucked my mom and my dad."
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[audience laughing]
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And he gets up in front
of that snake and he's like, "Hold on.
168
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I'm going to play this slippery bitch
one of my hit singles,"
169
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and just fucking rips on that flute, dude,
playing the Ginuwine "Pony" of its time,
170
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just fucking ripping it, dude,
like a Vegas residency Usher performance.
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You know what I mean?
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Getting the snake all fucking Keke hot.
You know what I mean?
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Right? And it fucking works.
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People must have been like,
'What the fuck is going on?
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Why do you have an erection?"
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And he's like, "Peace, dude."
Just fucking dips out, dude.
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I used to think that was
the craziest part about that.
178
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But I got high once.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
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And I was like, "That's not even close."
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You know what the craziest part
about that must have been?
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-What it was like for that snake.
-[audience laughing]
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Think about it. You're a snake.
183
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You're fucking... You run the jungle.
No one can stop you.
184
00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:20,786
You just roll up on a family,
swallow a baby, move on. No one can...
185
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:23,748
You had no idea you were meeting
the champion of R&B this afternoon.
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00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,207
[all laughing]
187
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:28,544
You had no idea his ass was about
to get smoothed out by jazz, dude.
188
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You just rolled up, another village.
Full snake confidence.
189
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Just like, "I'm gonna eat
every single one of you..."
190
00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:37,386
[moans] "Fuck!
191
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:40,556
Oh, chill, Daddy.
192
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:46,896
Oh, my God.
Are you on Spotify? God damn.
193
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,941
Fuck. My tongue is
going crazy right now.
194
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:55,112
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Time-out.
195
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,490
Time-out.
196
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This is so random.
197
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Who are you?"
198
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,043
[inhales deeply]
199
00:11:09,126 --> 00:11:12,421
[moaning]
200
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:24,016
"Put me in this wicker basket."
201
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,309
[audience laughing]
202
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,853
[laughs]
203
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,481
[audience cheering]
204
00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:34,276
I love you guys. I'm Asif Ali.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
205
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,029
[audience cheering]
206
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:45,329
[announcer] Give it up for Sabrina Wu.
207
00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:47,289
[audience cheering]
208
00:11:53,295 --> 00:11:55,923
[cheering continues]
209
00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:03,764
-Oh, my God. That's it?
-[audience laughing]
210
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:08,394
Um, I love doing stand-up.
211
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:13,023
Because I am Asian, though,
everyone is obsessed with asking me,
212
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like, "What do your Asian parents
think of your comedy?"
213
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Okay, this is what my mom said.
214
00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:22,283
"I don't like comedy.
I don't understand the value of laughter."
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00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:24,827
[audience laughing]
216
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:25,870
Pretty funny.
217
00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:31,959
I said what she said on video once
and then everybody was so taken aback.
218
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:36,005
So I panicked and I was like,
"But she's like an immigrant from China."
219
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And that is when
the comments section went crazy.
220
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All of the white people were like,
"Oh, my God. That is so sad.
221
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,642
A country full of people
who don't laugh."
222
00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:53,564
And then the Chinese people were like,
"I'm Chinese. I laugh."
223
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,566
[audience laughing]
224
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:59,570
And then they started a thread
about how I'm racist.
225
00:12:59,653 --> 00:13:01,906
I was like, "Oh, God.
Chinese people, you win.
226
00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:04,909
-My mom is uniquely a bitch."
-[audience laughing]
227
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:12,249
That's my mom. My dad, he's fun.
228
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I came out to him, like, a year ago.
229
00:13:14,251 --> 00:13:17,087
-I said...
-[audience whooping and cheering]
230
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:25,387
Great. I came out to him. I said,
"Hey, Dad, I'm trans," and my dad went,
231
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,515
"Well, I'm driving!"
232
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:34,063
And honestly, I always suspected
he might be a driver. Um...
233
00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:35,648
[audience laughing]
234
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:38,984
I was like, "I'm thinking about
going on T, taking testosterone."
235
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:43,072
He was like, "You don't like your body?
Well, do you think I like my face?
236
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:47,326
Do you think I like my skin, my eyes?"
He kept going for so long.
237
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:53,123
Then I had to pause coming out to be like,
"No, Dad, don't be sad.
238
00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:55,584
-You're so sexy."
-[audience laughing]
239
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,466
He was like, "What?" I was like,
"If you weren't my dad, I..."
240
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,426
[audience laughing]
241
00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:09,348
The closing note of that conversation,
242
00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:13,227
he was like, "If you do anything
to your body, your grandma's gonna die."
243
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:15,646
I was like, "What are you saying?
244
00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:18,732
She's transphobic and there's
an easy way to get rid of her?"
245
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:20,734
[audience laughing]
246
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:23,946
It didn't hurt the way I think
he thought it would,
247
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:27,533
because it is so different
to be an adult with a dad...
248
00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:30,327
Like, when you're a kid
and your dad says shit,
249
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:33,289
it can really weigh on you.
You're like, "Am I a bad kid?"
250
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,499
But when you're an adult and he says shit,
251
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:40,254
you're sort of just like,
"Is this guy, like, autistic?"
252
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:41,964
[audience laughing]
253
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,427
Every day I'm on TikTok,
like, "Is he autistic?
254
00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:49,597
Is he a narcissist?
Is he, like, a misogynist?
255
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,266
Oh, my God.
Has he been gay this whole time?"
256
00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:58,564
Speaking of gay...
I have a little trick for you.
257
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:03,903
You can tell if a girl is gay
based off of her smile.
258
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:09,700
I'll show you. Ready?
Okay. Straight girls smile like this.
259
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,414
And then gay girls smile like this.
260
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:18,667
[audience laughing]
261
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,301
-So true.
-[audience laughing]
262
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,763
Now, my greatest sexual fantasy...
263
00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:36,060
This bit is even dumber,
but it is better if you all buy in. Okay.
264
00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:38,812
My greatest sexual fantasy...
265
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:42,191
I'm a cop. She's also a cop.
266
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,653
I walk in. I'm like,
"You're under arrest."
267
00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:47,738
She's like, "You're under arrest."
268
00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:51,033
And then we're both like,
"Whoa, if I'm here and you're here,
269
00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:53,327
this is kind of
a waste of taxpayer money."
270
00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:55,746
Then we do it doggy-style
hyper-realistically,
271
00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:57,665
out of respect to our canine units.
272
00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,875
[audience laughing]
273
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:05,673
-Now, my second greatest sexual fantasy...
-[audience laughing]
274
00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:10,719
I'm home alone. She's away.
275
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:13,263
Now my third greatest sexual fantasy...
276
00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:14,890
[audience laughing]
277
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:19,853
I'm hot and in high school again.
278
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:21,772
"Thanks for meeting me
under the bleachers."
279
00:16:21,855 --> 00:16:24,316
"Thanks for bringing alcohol."
I'm like, "Can I kiss you?"
280
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,151
She's like, "What? I'm not gay."
281
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:29,238
I'm like, "Right."
And then we both go to prom with boys.
282
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,032
[audience laughing]
283
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:35,035
Those moments are
why I get so confused and upset
284
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:37,162
when people are like, "You gay.
285
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:39,707
You know, you're so brave.
You badass. You gay."
286
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:44,253
I'm like, "Have you heard me, or any
two queer people talk to each other?"
287
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,963
It's literally one person going,
288
00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:47,840
"Oh, my God.
I'm sorry I keep saying sorry,"
289
00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:50,634
and the other person going,
"No, but that is so valid."
290
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:51,635
[audience laughing]
291
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:58,017
Oh, I'm badass? I was in a closeted,
label-less relationship for a year,
292
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:01,103
and this woman goes, "I love you.
You mean the world to me.
293
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:03,480
Do you want to be my squirrel friend?"
294
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:06,817
She says squirrel friend
because girlfriend is too scary.
295
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,236
And instead of being like,
"Fuck off," I go...
296
00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,238
Oh. [chuckles nervously and chitters]
297
00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:13,115
[audience laughing]
298
00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:19,413
You laugh and you clap. That is my life.
299
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:28,047
And potentially even more embarrassing...
I am in a polycule.
300
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,340
I am the hinge in a V.
301
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:36,055
So I have two people who are dating me
but not dating each other.
302
00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:38,640
And if we have to put,
like, a label on it,
303
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:42,144
technically, that makes me
kind of a baller. [laughs]
304
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:46,607
-[cheering]
-No, no, no. Literally, it's too much.
305
00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:48,108
That's too many identifiers.
306
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:52,613
Gay, Asian, trans.
Now I'm a total daddy too?
307
00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,198
[audience cheering]
308
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,618
People are so weird about it.
309
00:17:57,701 --> 00:18:00,704
They're like, "I don't get it.
I could never do that.
310
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:05,084
I could never do that."
No, I would so much rather be like...
311
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,628
No one's asked me,
but I would so much rather be
312
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:10,714
non-monogamous first,
and non-binary second.
313
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,092
I'm sick and tired of seeing my name like,
314
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:16,095
"Sabrina Wu, parentheses,
they slash them."
315
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:17,304
I want to see my name,
316
00:18:17,387 --> 00:18:20,599
"Sabrina Wu, parentheses,
they have two girlfriends."
317
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:23,310
[audience laughing]
318
00:18:23,393 --> 00:18:24,895
"Slash, no big deal."
319
00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:32,736
I love saying stupid shit like that.
That's why I just... I never want to be
320
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,072
a spokesperson for any marginalized group.
321
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:37,699
I was in that movie, Joy Ride with, like...
322
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,868
[audience cheering]
323
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:46,542
With a lot of Asian people,
and any time a journalist talked to us,
324
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:50,254
it would be like,
"What's it like being an Asian actor?"
325
00:18:50,337 --> 00:18:51,880
You'd be like, "It's awesome."
326
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,383
"An Asian in comedy?" "Awesome."
327
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:57,136
I was asked what
it's like being Asian so many times,
328
00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:58,804
I stopped saying it's awesome.
329
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:00,931
I started saying it's mid.
330
00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:02,724
[audience laughing]
331
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,768
You want to know what it's really like?
332
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:10,149
Being an actor in an R-rated sex comedy,
for Asian Americans...
333
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:12,901
You're recording promo,
and your lines are literally,
334
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,404
"Hey, sluts. Hey, you dirty slut.
335
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,447
Hey, cunt whore, bitch slut, like,
336
00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:21,702
you gotta see Joy Ride
because representation is so important."
337
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:25,372
In one breath, I would literally go,
"We raunchy, we horny.
338
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:28,709
-We will stop Asian hate."
-[audience laughing]
339
00:19:33,797 --> 00:19:36,383
As much as I'm like, "I'd never
want to be a spokesperson,"
340
00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:41,430
there's a part of me that's like,
"It could be a little nice to be an icon,"
341
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:45,017
because I am
in such an embarrassing rivalry.
342
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:49,897
Many years ago,
when I was in college, I did a story slam.
343
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:54,902
I went up, I ate shit,
and this girl went up right after me.
344
00:19:55,694 --> 00:20:00,073
Won the whole thing and everyone was like,
"Oh, she's gonna be famous.
345
00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:02,784
She's such a good performer,"
and I screamed,
346
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:06,246
"I'm the one who's gonna be famous!
I'm the good performer!"
347
00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:07,497
[audience laughing]
348
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:15,088
It's been seven years.
And, look, this special is a huge honor.
349
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:17,799
[audience cheering]
350
00:20:19,134 --> 00:20:20,469
It doesn't fucking matter.
351
00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:27,726
Because that girl is literally inaugural
youth poet laureate, Amanda Gorman.
352
00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:29,728
[audience laughing]
353
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:32,022
One time someone was like,
"You'll catch up."
354
00:20:32,105 --> 00:20:35,400
-I was like, "Literally how?"
-[audience laughing]
355
00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:37,945
Sometimes people are like,
"You were in Joy Ride."
356
00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:41,281
I was like, "Great. I was in an R-rated
sex comedy that was a box office flop."
357
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:42,783
Listen to what she's been up to.
358
00:20:42,866 --> 00:20:48,247
She was invited to perform
at President Biden's inauguration,
359
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:52,834
and at that performance, people sort of
say that she united the country.
360
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,795
[audience laughing]
361
00:20:54,878 --> 00:20:58,006
Michelle Obama said she changed her life.
362
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,716
[audience laughing]
363
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:02,844
And she wore pink!
364
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:06,598
Since then, she has hosted the Met Gala,
been on the cover of Vogue.
365
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:10,102
She's a New York Times best-seller.
She was nominated for a Grammy.
366
00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:13,563
-Is that even her fucking art form?
-[audience laughing]
367
00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:19,152
Great. I'm a successful sex clown.
She's our Joan of Arc.
368
00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:21,113
[audience laughing]
369
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:28,620
Like, she's perfect to her core.
Like, anytime I'd ever see her,
370
00:21:28,704 --> 00:21:31,123
I'd be like, "Hi, Amanda,"
and she would go, "Hi, Sabrina."
371
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:33,875
And she would go home
and probably not think about me.
372
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:41,174
But then I would go home
and write a lot of standup about her.
373
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:46,388
And she's running for president.
374
00:21:46,471 --> 00:21:47,806
In college, she'd be like,
375
00:21:47,889 --> 00:21:50,183
"One day, I could be
the first Black woman president."
376
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:52,936
When I was in college,
my big dream, I was like,
377
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:55,897
"Maybe one day I could be like
an Asian Jack Black."
378
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,691
[audience laughing]
379
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:07,868
Hey, do you guys think that
when Malala got really famous,
380
00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:10,203
there was also someone
in the back, just like...
381
00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:13,457
[screaming]
382
00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:15,584
"It should have been me!"
383
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:17,836
[audience laughing]
384
00:22:23,925 --> 00:22:25,927
Just something to think about. [laughs]
385
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:28,138
[audience laughing]
386
00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:35,270
-Well, I actually have a poem for you.
-[audience laughing]
387
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:41,735
Okay, it's a YouTube comment on one
of my standup videos that I memorized.
388
00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:45,322
It goes...
389
00:22:45,822 --> 00:22:47,741
"Women literally only funny
390
00:22:47,824 --> 00:22:50,327
when on testosterone
and pretending to be a man.
391
00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:53,080
Well, that didn't work
for Hannah Dykesby.
392
00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:55,791
But, China Boy,
you're actually really funny.
393
00:22:55,874 --> 00:22:57,584
Great job, they."
394
00:22:57,667 --> 00:23:00,045
[audience laughing]
395
00:23:02,839 --> 00:23:05,383
Who's uniting the country now, bitch?
396
00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:06,510
-Okay.
-[audience cheering]
397
00:23:06,593 --> 00:23:08,303
I've been Sabrina Wu.
Thank you so much.
398
00:23:08,386 --> 00:23:11,306
[audience cheering]
399
00:23:13,183 --> 00:23:17,145
[announcer] Welcome to the stage,
Gianmarco Soresi!
400
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:20,816
[audience cheering]
401
00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:21,900
Hello!
402
00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:24,152
Thank you.
403
00:23:24,694 --> 00:23:26,446
Thank you very much.
404
00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:35,956
I get most of my material just existing
in New York City.
405
00:23:36,957 --> 00:23:38,708
Like, this is a true story.
406
00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:42,963
I was on the train once.
There was a couple across from me.
407
00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:47,384
The man said to the woman,
"What do you want to do for dinner?"
408
00:23:48,426 --> 00:23:51,012
And I swear to God, the woman said...
409
00:23:52,472 --> 00:23:56,893
"I think that lanky Jew
is listening to our conversation."
410
00:23:56,977 --> 00:23:58,603
[audience laughing]
411
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:06,528
I am Jewish.
But my name is Gianmarco Soresi.
412
00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:09,823
It's like my parents knew
the Nazis were coming back.
413
00:24:11,867 --> 00:24:13,994
I don't make a big deal
out of being Jewish
414
00:24:14,077 --> 00:24:17,747
unless I'm losing an argument
with a person of color. Because...
415
00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:20,041
[audience laughing]
416
00:24:22,252 --> 00:24:27,174
I worry that I reinforce
a lot of negative Jewish stereotypes.
417
00:24:27,257 --> 00:24:30,260
Like, I'm neurotic. I'm cheap.
418
00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:33,847
But I'm also a bad driver.
419
00:24:35,015 --> 00:24:36,600
And that's an Asian stereotype.
420
00:24:37,058 --> 00:24:39,603
I'm not saying it's true,
but I like to believe
421
00:24:39,686 --> 00:24:41,855
that when I'm swerving
all over the highway,
422
00:24:41,938 --> 00:24:44,107
some racist piece of shit
behind me is like,
423
00:24:44,774 --> 00:24:48,195
"Learn how to drive, you fucking... Jew?"
424
00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:50,447
[audience laughing]
425
00:24:52,365 --> 00:24:55,202
What if the world's more complicated
than I once thought?
426
00:24:56,328 --> 00:24:59,080
If Jews can't merge lanes,
how could they run the world?
427
00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:00,415
It doesn't make any sense.
428
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:04,502
Obviously, Jews do not run the world.
429
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:08,173
We would if we could.
But Jews do not recruit.
430
00:25:09,549 --> 00:25:10,800
That's Christians.
431
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,512
Christians are the ones running up
to everyone, Bible in hand,
432
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:16,348
like, "Heard the good news?"
433
00:25:16,431 --> 00:25:19,476
You'll never see a Jew run up
to an uncircumcised guy with a scalpel,
434
00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:22,395
-like, "Have you heard the bad news?"
-[audience laughing]
435
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:28,860
But maybe we need to start.
436
00:25:29,444 --> 00:25:31,613
I was recently
performing in Houston, Texas.
437
00:25:31,696 --> 00:25:33,365
I was on stage. I said, "I'm Jewish."
438
00:25:33,448 --> 00:25:35,367
Someone in the audience went, "Yuck!"
439
00:25:36,451 --> 00:25:38,870
But joke's on him.
That's Hebrew for "great job."
440
00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:39,788
[audience laughing]
441
00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:46,503
In all honesty, I do worry about this
recent spike in anti-Semitism,
442
00:25:46,586 --> 00:25:51,633
because anti-Semitism is the backbone
for, like, a lot of my jokes.
443
00:25:53,134 --> 00:25:57,013
It doesn't feel good as a comedian
to make fun of a group if that group
444
00:25:57,097 --> 00:25:59,266
is already being mistreated by society.
445
00:25:59,349 --> 00:26:01,559
That's why we'd all feel uncomfortable
446
00:26:01,643 --> 00:26:04,396
if I started making jokes
at the expense of Black people
447
00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:07,315
or at the expense of trans people.
448
00:26:07,399 --> 00:26:09,526
But if I shit on Italians...
449
00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:13,446
nobody give-a the fuck.
450
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:14,739
[audience laughing]
451
00:26:15,824 --> 00:26:18,743
Nobody give-a the fuck.
You know why? 'Cause they're fine.
452
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:22,122
Italians aren't being
mistreated by the police.
453
00:26:22,205 --> 00:26:23,748
Most of them are the police.
454
00:26:24,457 --> 00:26:26,710
That's why if you do blackface,
you get fired.
455
00:26:26,793 --> 00:26:30,505
If I'm like, "It's-a-me, Mario,"
what am I gonna lose? A gig in New Jersey?
456
00:26:30,588 --> 00:26:31,798
I don't give-a the fuck.
457
00:26:34,217 --> 00:26:36,761
I just feel like if white people
would stop complaining
458
00:26:36,845 --> 00:26:41,975
all the time about cancel culture
and actually fought for racial equality,
459
00:26:42,058 --> 00:26:45,770
then all of us could do
the Chinese accent again.
460
00:26:45,854 --> 00:26:46,813
[audience laughing]
461
00:26:58,325 --> 00:26:59,451
My dad still does it.
462
00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:04,164
Every time we go to this restaurant
in our neighborhood,
463
00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:08,251
my dad will do his entire order
in a full Chinese accent.
464
00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:12,839
And I know I should tell him to stop,
but it's the only time I see him happy.
465
00:27:13,673 --> 00:27:17,010
I don't have the heart to tell him
it's an Indian restaurant.
466
00:27:17,093 --> 00:27:18,762
[audience laughing]
467
00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:23,099
I was nervous.
468
00:27:23,975 --> 00:27:26,353
I don't know if you saw.
A couple of months ago,
469
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:31,191
there was a comedy club in North Carolina
where an audience member pulled out a gun.
470
00:27:32,067 --> 00:27:35,070
I always get scared,
if that ever happens at one of my shows,
471
00:27:35,153 --> 00:27:37,822
there won't be enough people
for a mass shooting.
472
00:27:40,033 --> 00:27:43,787
But I feel great about tonight.
So thank you so much for coming out.
473
00:27:43,870 --> 00:27:45,955
[audience cheering]
474
00:27:50,168 --> 00:27:53,254
I recently went to my first ever gun show.
475
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,341
And I'm not into guns.
But I was in Florida
476
00:27:56,424 --> 00:27:58,593
and I figured I'd learn
about their culture.
477
00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:01,763
I walked in and they had
every gun you can imagine.
478
00:28:01,846 --> 00:28:04,641
AR-15s, M-16s, AK-47s.
479
00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:08,228
It's hard to tell the difference,
'cause that's their LGBTQIA2+.
480
00:28:10,271 --> 00:28:13,024
But before I could walk around,
this young woman, she ran up to me
481
00:28:13,108 --> 00:28:16,194
and handed me a free pocket Constitution.
482
00:28:17,237 --> 00:28:20,740
-And I was shocked she could read.
-[audience laughing]
483
00:28:22,075 --> 00:28:23,952
She pulled me aside and she was like,
484
00:28:24,035 --> 00:28:28,289
"Did you know they don't even teach
the Second Amendment in schools anymore?"
485
00:28:28,832 --> 00:28:32,460
I was like, "Don't you think they're
getting enough hands-on experience?"
486
00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:33,962
[audience exclaim softly]
487
00:28:34,045 --> 00:28:37,465
That's not what I said.
I wanted to, but I was scared.
488
00:28:38,758 --> 00:28:40,844
I was freaking out the whole time
I was there
489
00:28:40,927 --> 00:28:43,221
that some crazy motherfucker
was gonna show up
490
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,849
and start shooting,
but then I was like, "Wait.
491
00:28:45,932 --> 00:28:49,561
No one would be crazy enough to try that
because everyone has a gun.
492
00:28:49,644 --> 00:28:51,980
Maybe there'd be no more
mass shootings if everyone...
493
00:28:52,063 --> 00:28:55,400
I have to get the fuck out of Florida.
What the fuck did I say?"
494
00:28:55,483 --> 00:28:57,819
[audience laughing and clapping]
495
00:29:00,989 --> 00:29:02,115
It's a good argument.
496
00:29:03,450 --> 00:29:06,870
I was so persuaded,
I went to a shooting range.
497
00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:09,372
And let me tell you something.
498
00:29:09,456 --> 00:29:11,916
If you really believe that the only thing
499
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:15,336
that stops a bad guy with a gun
is a good guy with a gun,
500
00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:18,631
then you have never seen me shoot a gun.
501
00:29:18,715 --> 00:29:20,049
[audience laughing]
502
00:29:20,133 --> 00:29:24,053
If I tried stopping a mass shooter,
you would think we were in it together.
503
00:29:25,555 --> 00:29:26,765
The news would be like,
504
00:29:26,848 --> 00:29:30,393
"A mass shooter and his blind accomplice
stormed a gun show,
505
00:29:31,060 --> 00:29:33,772
taking out 14 windows
and lighting fixtures."
506
00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:43,031
There's no point debating it, though.
Everyone's already made up their mind.
507
00:29:44,073 --> 00:29:46,701
I know an argument's
over with someone when they say,
508
00:29:46,785 --> 00:29:48,787
"What would the Founding Fathers think?"
509
00:29:49,287 --> 00:29:52,415
"Buddy, I don't care
what my regular father thinks. Try again."
510
00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:57,003
If Benjamin Franklin were alive today,
he'd be like, "What's a poke bowl?"
511
00:29:57,086 --> 00:30:00,423
-He wouldn't give a shit about any of us.
-[audience laughing]
512
00:30:03,176 --> 00:30:05,762
And obviously I'm a liberal cuck.
513
00:30:07,430 --> 00:30:08,723
But even liberals,
514
00:30:08,807 --> 00:30:11,100
they can be hypocritical about guns,
especially Hollywood.
515
00:30:11,184 --> 00:30:13,520
Everyone in Hollywood
claims to be anti-guns.
516
00:30:13,603 --> 00:30:15,730
Then they make more fucking gun movies.
517
00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:18,399
If you're anti-guns,
make more karate films.
518
00:30:18,483 --> 00:30:21,361
I'd rather be kicked by Alec Baldwin.
Wouldn't you?
519
00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:24,113
[audience laughing]
520
00:30:25,782 --> 00:30:28,660
Why did they resume filming on that movie?
Tell me.
521
00:30:28,743 --> 00:30:30,620
How do you give it a positive review?
522
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:33,081
You're gonna be, like,
"Rolling Stone says 'worth it'"?
523
00:30:33,164 --> 00:30:36,876
-[audience laughing]
-"Vanity Fair, 'Baldwin never misses.'"
524
00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:45,468
I used to be a theater kid,
but you could all tell, right?
525
00:30:45,552 --> 00:30:48,137
[audience cheering]
526
00:30:48,221 --> 00:30:50,306
I know. I can't hide it.
527
00:30:50,890 --> 00:30:54,519
I did a show hosted by a drag queen.
She told me to take it down a notch.
528
00:30:54,602 --> 00:30:56,604
When she brought me on stage, she said,
529
00:30:56,688 --> 00:30:58,857
"This next comedian looks like
before he tells a joke,
530
00:30:58,940 --> 00:31:01,317
he whispers five, six, seven, eight."
531
00:31:01,401 --> 00:31:04,279
My acting teacher told me,
"You can take the boy out of the theater,
532
00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:06,531
but you can't take
the dick out of his ass."
533
00:31:06,614 --> 00:31:08,533
[audience laughing]
534
00:31:08,616 --> 00:31:11,202
I've been an actor
longer than I've been a comedian.
535
00:31:11,286 --> 00:31:13,830
I've shared the stage
with people who have gone on
536
00:31:13,913 --> 00:31:17,417
-to become huge real estate agents.
-[audience laughing]
537
00:31:20,211 --> 00:31:22,463
I was in the movie Wolf of Wall Street.
538
00:31:23,590 --> 00:31:28,011
I played Leonardo DiCaprio's waiter.
Small part but I wanted to do well.
539
00:31:28,595 --> 00:31:33,099
So to prepare for the role,
I actually became a waiter for 12 years.
540
00:31:33,182 --> 00:31:35,351
[audience laughing]
541
00:31:37,145 --> 00:31:38,396
It's called extra work.
542
00:31:39,314 --> 00:31:41,649
You're on screen,
but you don't have any lines.
543
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:43,902
You're basically furniture
but with dreams.
544
00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:47,405
It was depressing doing
The Wolf of Wall Street
545
00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:50,867
because I've never been
closer to my dreams yet further away.
546
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:54,329
It would be like if the love of your life
were on top of you
547
00:31:54,412 --> 00:31:57,415
getting fucked by Leonardo DiCaprio.
548
00:31:57,999 --> 00:32:01,920
That is my time.
Thank you very much. Good night.
549
00:32:02,003 --> 00:32:04,130
[audience cheering]
550
00:32:04,714 --> 00:32:08,343
[announcer] Put your hands together
for Rosebud Baker.
551
00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:12,430
[audience cheering]
552
00:32:14,891 --> 00:32:16,351
Oh.
553
00:32:17,101 --> 00:32:21,981
Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
I am eight and a half months pregnant.
554
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:23,858
[audience cheering]
555
00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:27,779
[laughs] Give it up for the splash zone.
556
00:32:27,862 --> 00:32:29,656
Um...
557
00:32:29,739 --> 00:32:32,241
Sorry. They were supposed
to give you guys ponchos.
558
00:32:32,992 --> 00:32:34,702
I would say I'm happy to be here.
559
00:32:34,786 --> 00:32:37,455
I just barely know
where the fuck I am at this point.
560
00:32:37,538 --> 00:32:42,126
Honestly, I'm just... I've been
pregnant my entire life at this point.
561
00:32:42,210 --> 00:32:45,380
[sighs] I'm like,
"She's got to be 18 by now.
562
00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:48,383
She's got to come out paying taxes."
563
00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:52,845
You get a lot of advice being pregnant.
I don't like any of it.
564
00:32:52,929 --> 00:32:56,182
Um, one of the things was,
like, no hot baths.
565
00:32:56,265 --> 00:32:57,934
They were, like, "Just no hot baths."
566
00:32:58,434 --> 00:33:01,521
I was like, "What, is that gonna, like,
boil the baby or..."
567
00:33:02,855 --> 00:33:06,985
They're like, "Yes, you'll boil the child.
No hot baths."
568
00:33:07,068 --> 00:33:08,861
All of the advice essentially is
569
00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:13,491
if you enjoy it as a mother,
you have to stop. It will kill the child.
570
00:33:13,574 --> 00:33:16,995
That's the advice, you know,
unless it's reality TV,
571
00:33:17,078 --> 00:33:19,956
which is shocking to me
because the amount of reality TV
572
00:33:20,039 --> 00:33:23,876
that I've watched since getting pregnant,
it's got to be worse than smoking.
573
00:33:24,794 --> 00:33:25,837
It can't be good.
574
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:29,382
I mean, it's the worst kind of thing
you can put in your body...
575
00:33:30,133 --> 00:33:33,302
other than maybe murder shows,
but at least those,
576
00:33:33,386 --> 00:33:37,056
like, they have the decency
to kill those women at the end, you know?
577
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,017
[audience laughing]
578
00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:40,685
[Rosebud laughs]
579
00:33:40,768 --> 00:33:42,520
Anyway, I... [laughs]
580
00:33:43,896 --> 00:33:45,773
The point is, no hot baths.
581
00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:49,027
I feel like she's gonna have
a lifetime with me as her mom.
582
00:33:49,110 --> 00:33:52,572
I feel like she can get all the warmth
that she can right now.
583
00:33:52,655 --> 00:33:54,657
Like, take it while you can.
584
00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:57,785
I just...I hate that you're not
supposed to complain
585
00:33:57,869 --> 00:34:00,913
about being pregnant, I guess,
'cause it's a blessing.
586
00:34:01,497 --> 00:34:04,584
Uh, you know, it just sounds
ungrateful to people.
587
00:34:04,667 --> 00:34:08,296
But listen. I can want a kid
and hate being pregnant.
588
00:34:08,379 --> 00:34:09,589
I can want to... Right?
589
00:34:09,672 --> 00:34:12,133
You're allowed to be hungry
and not want to cook.
590
00:34:12,216 --> 00:34:14,093
[audience laughing]
591
00:34:14,177 --> 00:34:16,054
Like, I'm excited to have a kid.
592
00:34:16,137 --> 00:34:18,639
I just want somebody
to Postmates her to my house.
593
00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:23,102
That's all. You know what I mean?
My mom has four kids.
594
00:34:23,186 --> 00:34:25,772
I tried complaining about it.
This is what she said.
595
00:34:25,855 --> 00:34:28,983
She goes, "Rosie,
pregnancy is not a disability."
596
00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:32,653
I was like, "If it's not a disability,
597
00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:34,906
why do I shit my pants
when I tie my shoes?"
598
00:34:34,989 --> 00:34:37,325
[audience laughing]
599
00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:42,747
If that's not a disability,
it's a new ability. I know that.
600
00:34:44,207 --> 00:34:46,626
-Couldn't do that before.
-[audience laughing]
601
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:49,212
She goes, "Listen, Rosie.
602
00:34:49,295 --> 00:34:52,256
Pregnant women used to work
all day in the fields."
603
00:34:52,757 --> 00:34:57,678
I was like, "What?
Are you talking about slavery right now?
604
00:34:58,596 --> 00:35:01,182
-What fields?
-[audience laughing]
605
00:35:01,265 --> 00:35:05,269
"What fields did you have to work in
as a lawyer's wife, Janet?
606
00:35:06,813 --> 00:35:08,064
I'm curious."
607
00:35:10,274 --> 00:35:12,944
If there's one thing
I've learned from being pregnant,
608
00:35:13,027 --> 00:35:15,571
it's that nobody gives a shit
about women's pain.
609
00:35:15,655 --> 00:35:17,573
They don't care at all.
610
00:35:17,657 --> 00:35:20,701
You could walk into a hospital
with a gunshot wound,
611
00:35:20,785 --> 00:35:23,913
and they'll be like,
"Eat some yogurt, walk it off."
612
00:35:23,996 --> 00:35:26,833
They're just guessing.
You might as well go to the vet.
613
00:35:28,751 --> 00:35:30,336
They have no idea.
614
00:35:30,419 --> 00:35:33,548
I have something called SPD,
which I didn't know about.
615
00:35:33,631 --> 00:35:38,136
Okay, SPD is basically when the weight
of your baby is so much that
616
00:35:38,219 --> 00:35:40,221
it's splitting my pelvis in half.
617
00:35:40,805 --> 00:35:45,017
Yeah, that's allowed to happen.
They just... They go, "That's normal."
618
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,395
You know what
they said to do for the pain?
619
00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:49,313
She goes, "Keep your legs together."
620
00:35:49,397 --> 00:35:51,357
[audience laughing]
621
00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:55,069
I was like, "Lady, if I knew how
to do that, I wouldn't fucking be here."
622
00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:56,654
[audience laughing]
623
00:35:57,947 --> 00:35:59,657
Keep my legs together?
624
00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:04,078
I was like, "Did you just bill
my insurance to call me a whore?"
625
00:36:06,706 --> 00:36:07,874
Then finally she goes,
626
00:36:07,957 --> 00:36:11,711
"Okay, fine. If you really need something,
we have this medieval belt."
627
00:36:11,794 --> 00:36:14,463
Essentially. She didn't call it that,
but that's what it is.
628
00:36:14,547 --> 00:36:17,341
She goes, "It's a belt that
tapes your pelvis together."
629
00:36:17,425 --> 00:36:20,011
It goes around your waist
and between your thighs.
630
00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:21,929
Like a seat belt for your pussy.
631
00:36:22,763 --> 00:36:26,100
Okay? And it's just, like, basically...
You know what?
632
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,519
I'm just gonna show it to you.
Look at this.
633
00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:31,105
[audience cheering]
634
00:36:32,773 --> 00:36:35,067
Yeah. Yeah, it's a nightmare.
635
00:36:35,735 --> 00:36:36,986
It's a fucking nightmare.
636
00:36:37,069 --> 00:36:39,447
It looks like Brooklyn Bridge
in my underpants.
637
00:36:39,530 --> 00:36:41,365
[audience laughing]
638
00:36:41,449 --> 00:36:44,452
Okay. Honestly, I have
to ice my pussy every night
639
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:47,079
because my fucking pelvis
is splitting in half.
640
00:36:47,163 --> 00:36:50,750
And the best thing doctors have
come up with is a strap-on with no dick.
641
00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:52,376
[audience laughing]
642
00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:56,714
Thank you, women's medicine.
643
00:36:57,965 --> 00:37:00,635
People say there's nothing more feminine
than being pregnant.
644
00:37:00,718 --> 00:37:02,762
I'm like, "That is not fucking true."
645
00:37:02,845 --> 00:37:05,264
Okay? This is the least feminine
I've ever been.
646
00:37:05,348 --> 00:37:08,226
-I'm a fat man for the first time.
-[audience laughing]
647
00:37:08,309 --> 00:37:09,977
That's what I am. Okay? I can't...
648
00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:12,355
I haven't taken
a smooth shit in eight months,
649
00:37:12,438 --> 00:37:14,065
and I sweat sitting down now.
650
00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:18,027
I watched The Whale just to have
something to relate to.
651
00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:20,571
[audience laughing]
652
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:24,533
It is not... It does... It's not easy
to feel sexy like this, okay?
653
00:37:24,617 --> 00:37:27,870
There's some pregnant women
who are like, "I got so horny."
654
00:37:27,954 --> 00:37:30,581
I'm like, "Why don't you keep that
to your fucking self?"
655
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:33,417
I can't feel sexy like that.
I tried fucking my husband.
656
00:37:33,501 --> 00:37:36,337
Halfway through, I was like,
"You're all over the place. Get out."
657
00:37:37,838 --> 00:37:39,840
Like a hall monitor. It was insane.
658
00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:42,468
It wasn't anything he did.
659
00:37:42,551 --> 00:37:45,346
I was like, "There's too many
people inside me."
660
00:37:45,429 --> 00:37:47,682
[audience laughing]
661
00:37:50,101 --> 00:37:52,895
"I'm getting gangbanged
by my whole fucking family."
662
00:37:57,024 --> 00:38:01,112
I swear to God, this whole thing has
just made me believe that God is a man.
663
00:38:02,029 --> 00:38:06,033
Because when it's over, my hormones
delete my memory of all the bad shit,
664
00:38:06,117 --> 00:38:07,576
so I'll do it all over again.
665
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,247
Like nature's roofie.
I'm like, "That's a man's work."
666
00:38:11,330 --> 00:38:12,623
[audience member cheers]
667
00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:14,709
And people, they ask me... They go like,
668
00:38:14,792 --> 00:38:18,671
"Are you worried about global warming,
with your kid?"
669
00:38:18,754 --> 00:38:23,467
I'm like, "No, no. I'm raising her
in a fucking late-30s womb."
670
00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:26,929
"I'm pretty sure the walls
are melting in there. I don't..."
671
00:38:28,597 --> 00:38:31,017
It's mostly empty JUUL pods
and Starbucks cups.
672
00:38:31,100 --> 00:38:34,103
She's gonna be fine.
She's gonna be very resourceful.
673
00:38:36,439 --> 00:38:40,318
Mostly, I'm worried about being pregnant
while Roe v. Wade got overturned.
674
00:38:40,401 --> 00:38:43,612
You know, that's like...
'Cause I look at myself in the mirror,
675
00:38:43,696 --> 00:38:46,324
I go like, "Whose fucking side
are you on?" You know?
676
00:38:48,701 --> 00:38:51,537
-It's...
-[audience laughing]
677
00:38:51,620 --> 00:38:54,707
I'm like, "You're like an agent
of the state now. That's..."
678
00:38:56,625 --> 00:39:00,921
You can't be excited about being pregnant
while Roe v. Wade is overturned.
679
00:39:01,464 --> 00:39:04,467
It's like walking up to Rosa Parks
during the boycott like,
680
00:39:04,550 --> 00:39:07,553
"I don't know what's going on outside,
but I just got a free bus pass."
681
00:39:07,636 --> 00:39:09,847
[audience laughing]
682
00:39:09,930 --> 00:39:11,349
"Be happy for me."
683
00:39:12,892 --> 00:39:15,019
No. Matter of fact... I mean, listen.
684
00:39:15,102 --> 00:39:17,438
We live in New York,
it doesn't affect us much.
685
00:39:17,521 --> 00:39:18,939
Let's be honest. It doesn't.
686
00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:21,275
But the week that they overturned
Roe v. Wade,
687
00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:25,946
they also banned the sale of JUULs,
and that is where I draw the fucking line.
688
00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:30,034
It might feel weird to hear
a pregnant lady say this,
689
00:39:30,117 --> 00:39:33,287
but you can't ban vaping and abortion
in the same week.
690
00:39:34,580 --> 00:39:36,707
-'Cause I'm gonna buy a gun.
-[audience laughing]
691
00:39:41,837 --> 00:39:43,547
If I lived in Texas...
692
00:39:43,631 --> 00:39:45,758
Are you kidding me? I would have wandered
693
00:39:45,841 --> 00:39:49,220
into an abortion clinic and been like,
"Hey, can I get an abortion?"
694
00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:51,180
If they said no, I'd be like,
695
00:39:51,263 --> 00:39:53,808
"I'm gonna shoot myself
directly in the pussy."
696
00:39:53,891 --> 00:39:54,850
That's what's next.
697
00:39:56,685 --> 00:40:01,482
I'd shove the whole gun up there.
I'd give a new meaning to concealed carry.
698
00:40:03,484 --> 00:40:05,277
I'll just waddle into a clinic.
699
00:40:06,821 --> 00:40:10,116
-Vaping. Can I...
-[audience laughing]
700
00:40:10,199 --> 00:40:11,784
Can I get an abortion?
701
00:40:12,368 --> 00:40:15,788
If they say no, I'd just do one Kegel
and blow myself to bits.
702
00:40:15,871 --> 00:40:18,165
That's... "Sorry for the mess."
703
00:40:19,333 --> 00:40:21,961
-"Could have been avoided."
-[audience laughing]
704
00:40:22,044 --> 00:40:25,172
That's my time. I gotta go. Bye.
You guys have been great.
705
00:40:25,256 --> 00:40:26,674
[audience cheering]
706
00:40:26,757 --> 00:40:28,342
Thank you so much.
707
00:40:32,138 --> 00:40:35,224
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dulcé Sloan!
708
00:40:35,975 --> 00:40:37,351
[audience cheering]
709
00:40:50,531 --> 00:40:53,200
-You're welcome.
-[audience whooping]
710
00:40:53,868 --> 00:40:55,786
How y'all doing? That's great. Listen.
711
00:40:55,870 --> 00:40:59,415
So, we are celebrating your girl.
712
00:40:59,498 --> 00:41:03,169
-All right? I just bought a new house.
-[audience cheering]
713
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:06,005
I just got a new car.
714
00:41:06,088 --> 00:41:08,007
[audience cheering]
715
00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:12,470
Now I need a new man,
and that's a little bit more tricky. Um...
716
00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:14,555
'Cause I'm trying to change my tactics.
717
00:41:14,638 --> 00:41:19,518
You know, 'cause I have a tendency
to sleep with broke men.
718
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:23,022
And I'm trying to stop doing that.
719
00:41:24,565 --> 00:41:27,735
But it's hard because
broke dick is amazing.
720
00:41:27,818 --> 00:41:30,237
-Um...
-[audience laughing]
721
00:41:31,113 --> 00:41:34,074
I don't know if you've ever had it,
but, whoo, 10 out of 10.
722
00:41:36,952 --> 00:41:40,664
But the thing is broke dick is amazing
because it has to be.
723
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:45,377
They have absolutely nothing else
to offer you.
724
00:41:46,795 --> 00:41:49,840
That man has to fuck you to sleep
so he has a place to sleep.
725
00:41:52,218 --> 00:41:54,637
This is when somebody
usually goes, "Oh, no."
726
00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:57,640
Oh, yes, I see you. Hello. I saw you.
727
00:41:58,432 --> 00:42:00,351
But you didn't know they were broke
728
00:42:00,434 --> 00:42:02,853
until they came in your house
with two backpacks.
729
00:42:04,939 --> 00:42:07,691
'Cause one backpack,
he's just running around the city.
730
00:42:08,901 --> 00:42:11,529
Two backpacks,
he is sleeping around the city.
731
00:42:12,696 --> 00:42:15,491
-This man is a hobo-sexual.
-[audience laughing]
732
00:42:16,450 --> 00:42:18,077
You have to be very careful.
733
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:20,913
And I'm doing well.
They trying to trap me.
734
00:42:20,996 --> 00:42:22,373
They're trying to trap me.
735
00:42:22,456 --> 00:42:23,666
But they say crazy stuff like,
736
00:42:23,749 --> 00:42:26,585
"I don't like condoms.
They're uncomfortable."
737
00:42:26,669 --> 00:42:29,672
You know what's uncomfortable?
Knowing you for 18 years, sir.
738
00:42:31,465 --> 00:42:34,969
I'll wrap myself in aluminum foil
before I let you touch me.
739
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,431
You don't know if you're dealing with one.
They dress like everybody else.
740
00:42:39,515 --> 00:42:42,351
Head-to-toe Carhartt
and sneakers like everybody else.
741
00:42:44,645 --> 00:42:47,273
And one of them almost got me.
742
00:42:47,815 --> 00:42:51,527
I was at a dive bar, which means
I have a lot of white friends. And...
743
00:42:52,987 --> 00:42:56,574
Also, can we take a second
to talk about dive bars? What the fuck?
744
00:42:58,617 --> 00:43:00,411
Why are they always wet?
745
00:43:02,413 --> 00:43:03,998
Why is the floor raining?
746
00:43:04,081 --> 00:43:07,251
Why is the ceiling dripping?
Why am I drinking in a rain forest?
747
00:43:07,334 --> 00:43:10,212
What is happening in here?
And then the bathroom.
748
00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:13,048
What the... The... Why?
749
00:43:14,008 --> 00:43:15,175
Who knew that so many adults
750
00:43:15,259 --> 00:43:17,720
were walking around
with markers and paint pens?
751
00:43:22,474 --> 00:43:23,809
How does this happen?
752
00:43:23,892 --> 00:43:26,145
Your friend called,
"Anybody wanna go to a dive bar?"
753
00:43:26,228 --> 00:43:28,689
-"Yeah. Let me stop at Michaels first."
-[audience laughing]
754
00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:33,193
And then the stickers...
755
00:43:35,070 --> 00:43:38,490
The fuck... This is elementary school level.
756
00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:43,370
Stickers? Do you think that this is how
your band's gonna get discovered?
757
00:43:44,705 --> 00:43:46,790
Sir, go to rehearsal. Start a SoundCloud.
758
00:43:46,874 --> 00:43:49,585
You don't need a sticker budget.
You need instruments.
759
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:52,755
When I'm at this dive bar, I'm at the bar,
760
00:43:52,838 --> 00:43:55,007
waiting for my whiskey,
minding my business,
761
00:43:55,090 --> 00:43:57,343
being a Christian, and...
762
00:43:58,135 --> 00:44:01,680
Top shelf.
Thank you so much. I'm doing well. And so...
763
00:44:02,514 --> 00:44:05,601
This dude comes talking to me,
you know, coming and trying to chat me up.
764
00:44:05,684 --> 00:44:07,019
And, you know, he's white,
765
00:44:07,102 --> 00:44:10,022
'cause a Black dude
in a dive bar is not trying to talk to me.
766
00:44:10,648 --> 00:44:14,443
My hair could be on fire and a Black dude
in would be like, "Hmm. Unfortunate."
767
00:44:14,526 --> 00:44:16,612
[audience laughing]
768
00:44:18,155 --> 00:44:20,658
"Yo, Molly."
He's not trying to talk to me.
769
00:44:22,284 --> 00:44:24,119
The thing is, you have to be careful
770
00:44:24,203 --> 00:44:26,413
when a man in these situations
tries to talk to you.
771
00:44:26,497 --> 00:44:29,625
You're already
in a broke kind of atmosphere.
772
00:44:35,547 --> 00:44:38,884
It's a dive bar.
They're sponsored by very broke things.
773
00:44:38,967 --> 00:44:41,845
If you want to know if you're
dealing with a broke in the wild,
774
00:44:41,929 --> 00:44:45,766
you have to pay attention
to what he orders, and how did he pay.
775
00:44:46,308 --> 00:44:49,269
"What's the broke thing to order?"
You know what it is.
776
00:44:49,353 --> 00:44:52,106
PBR. We all know.
777
00:44:52,189 --> 00:44:54,566
I don't know if you know
how they make PBR,
778
00:44:54,650 --> 00:44:56,819
but they take mobile homes and juice them.
779
00:44:56,902 --> 00:44:59,321
[audience laughing]
780
00:45:01,031 --> 00:45:02,491
Trailers, single wide.
781
00:45:02,574 --> 00:45:06,912
Every PBR is 60% trailer juice,
40% unfiltered water.
782
00:45:07,579 --> 00:45:10,791
You know I'm right. Every time
your jive-having ass took a sip,
783
00:45:10,874 --> 00:45:13,001
you're like, "What is that?"
784
00:45:14,878 --> 00:45:17,047
Is that teen pregnancy?
What am I tasting?
785
00:45:18,882 --> 00:45:20,926
White poverty? What is that?"
786
00:45:22,386 --> 00:45:24,847
Voting against your own interests.
There we go.
787
00:45:26,432 --> 00:45:28,308
That's what that is.
788
00:45:29,852 --> 00:45:31,895
But see, here's the thing.
789
00:45:33,063 --> 00:45:35,899
I had to be very careful,
when talking to this man,
790
00:45:35,983 --> 00:45:39,027
'cause the other thing you have
to think about is how did he pay.
791
00:45:39,111 --> 00:45:42,239
I thought the brokest way to pay
for something was change.
792
00:45:42,322 --> 00:45:43,407
Mmm-mmm.
793
00:45:44,116 --> 00:45:47,411
I saw this man pay for this PBR
with wet money.
794
00:45:47,494 --> 00:45:49,455
[audience laughing]
795
00:45:50,789 --> 00:45:53,542
The question is, how's the money wet?
His pants are dry.
796
00:45:53,625 --> 00:45:56,003
[audience laughing]
797
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,547
Have you gotten paper wet?
798
00:45:58,630 --> 00:46:00,507
Got money wet? You got to be careful.
799
00:46:00,591 --> 00:46:02,718
It'll disintegrate. It's wet paper.
800
00:46:02,801 --> 00:46:05,429
But this man needed three wet dollars.
801
00:46:06,388 --> 00:46:09,016
From his seven wet dollars.
802
00:46:09,516 --> 00:46:13,479
And I saw this man separate this money
803
00:46:13,562 --> 00:46:16,398
with the precision, focus and heart...
804
00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:19,651
of somebody diffusing a bomb.
805
00:46:19,735 --> 00:46:22,613
Just truly... [exhales]
806
00:46:22,696 --> 00:46:26,909
He mopped his brow at one point,
and he gets it separated,
807
00:46:26,992 --> 00:46:29,912
slaps it down on the bar,
and I see the bartender come over
808
00:46:29,995 --> 00:46:33,123
and start peeling it
and look at me and go, "Mmm-mmm."
809
00:46:34,416 --> 00:46:37,002
While the bartender's peeling up
the money, he sips his beer.
810
00:46:37,085 --> 00:46:40,631
He looks at me and goes...
"So what's your name?"
811
00:46:42,090 --> 00:46:43,884
To which I took a sip of my whiskey
812
00:46:43,967 --> 00:46:46,887
and looked at him and said,
"You'll never fucking know."
813
00:46:48,263 --> 00:46:51,016
[audience cheering]
814
00:46:51,850 --> 00:46:54,603
Because that man was broke as shit.
815
00:46:55,270 --> 00:46:58,857
And his dick was gonna be amazing.
Do you understand me?
816
00:46:58,941 --> 00:47:01,485
I would've woken up the next day
and been Bambi on ice.
817
00:47:01,568 --> 00:47:03,487
You wouldn't have been able to get me.
818
00:47:04,488 --> 00:47:06,615
I'd have paid his student loans,
his mama's mortgage.
819
00:47:06,698 --> 00:47:08,700
Understand? I had to save my own life.
820
00:47:10,702 --> 00:47:12,454
Other things I've never understood.
821
00:47:12,538 --> 00:47:14,915
Broke dudes always
have money for drugs, which...
822
00:47:14,998 --> 00:47:18,252
I've always been afraid of drugs,
'cause I took D.A.R.E. in Miami.
823
00:47:19,711 --> 00:47:22,881
I don't know if you've heard of Miami.
It's where drugs start.
824
00:47:22,965 --> 00:47:26,426
So, that made me very afraid of drugs.
825
00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:29,179
I remember at ten years old,
learning about heroin.
826
00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:33,850
And I was like,
"Why do you need so many things to do it?"
827
00:47:36,228 --> 00:47:38,605
You need a spoon, a knife,
a syringe, a lighter,
828
00:47:38,689 --> 00:47:43,193
a belt, you need a case to put it all in,
and then you still don't have drugs.
829
00:47:43,277 --> 00:47:45,737
[audience laughing]
830
00:47:45,821 --> 00:47:48,198
And when you get the drugs,
you gotta cook them.
831
00:47:48,282 --> 00:47:52,369
-Why do I have raw drugs?
-[audience laughing]
832
00:47:52,452 --> 00:47:55,455
What is this farm-to-table
narcotics situation?
833
00:47:55,539 --> 00:47:57,457
[audience laughing]
834
00:47:58,959 --> 00:48:01,211
Cocaine, I don't understand.
It uses the metric system.
835
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,630
I'm an American.
I don't know what we're doing.
836
00:48:05,882 --> 00:48:07,467
The hell are you talking about?
837
00:48:07,551 --> 00:48:09,553
Understand? I don't get what's going on.
838
00:48:10,053 --> 00:48:13,765
I grew up listening to trap music,
so I have a great time most of the time.
839
00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:16,143
But they're always talking about
bricks, keys.
840
00:48:16,226 --> 00:48:19,104
I don't know about the bricks of things.
841
00:48:19,187 --> 00:48:20,939
If I can call somebody and be like,
842
00:48:21,023 --> 00:48:23,483
"Let me get a Philadelphia cream cheese
brick of cocaine,"
843
00:48:23,567 --> 00:48:25,235
I know exactly how much that is.
844
00:48:26,903 --> 00:48:29,156
I know how to break that down,
how to spread that out.
845
00:48:29,239 --> 00:48:33,243
Like... "Would you like a schmear of
cocaine?" I know how much cocaine that is.
846
00:48:34,536 --> 00:48:36,872
Roll into a party
with five bagels of cocaine.
847
00:48:36,955 --> 00:48:39,082
You will have a great night,
I promise you.
848
00:48:40,208 --> 00:48:41,835
Weed? Too much math.
849
00:48:42,502 --> 00:48:44,838
I never know how much weed
somebody is buying.
850
00:48:45,380 --> 00:48:47,466
My homeboy was like,
"I'm waiting for my dealer."
851
00:48:47,549 --> 00:48:51,553
And I was like, "What? Dealer? Sir.
We have dispensaries now.
852
00:48:51,970 --> 00:48:53,847
You can buy weed and get a receipt.
853
00:48:53,930 --> 00:48:56,141
Why are you committing crime
for no reason?"
854
00:48:57,517 --> 00:49:00,520
He's like, "I need a quarter.
Maybe an eighth." I'm like, "Of What?"
855
00:49:00,604 --> 00:49:03,649
He said, "Of what?"
I said, "A quarter. It's a fraction."
856
00:49:05,525 --> 00:49:08,028
If there's a fraction,
there's a whole thing.
857
00:49:08,111 --> 00:49:10,614
-What's the whole thing?
-[audience laughing]
858
00:49:12,366 --> 00:49:15,327
I've never been friends with the person
who bought the whole thing.
859
00:49:15,410 --> 00:49:18,955
I'm friends with the person that bought
the fraction. What's the whole thing?
860
00:49:21,458 --> 00:49:24,044
-I'm asking, what's the whole thing?
-[audience laughing]
861
00:49:26,338 --> 00:49:27,255
How much?
862
00:49:27,923 --> 00:49:30,759
How the fuck much?
You never bought an ounce of anything.
863
00:49:31,635 --> 00:49:33,887
Nobody knows how much an ounce is.
Americans don't know.
864
00:49:33,970 --> 00:49:35,847
If you call somebody, be like, "Hey."
865
00:49:35,931 --> 00:49:39,393
Let me get two tablespoons of weed,"
you know how much weed that is.
866
00:49:39,476 --> 00:49:41,687
[audience cheering]
867
00:49:46,608 --> 00:49:49,111
-Bye.
-[audience cheering]
868
00:49:57,619 --> 00:49:59,371
[cheering continues]