[gavel bangs] - Hey, y'all. I'm Ms. Pat.
- All rise!
- And I know the inside of a courtroom.
I'm a convicted felon with a GED.
Now I'm sitting on this side of the bench.
Y'all are killing me!
These are real cases with real money on the line,
and I'm bringing my own friends to court as my jury.
- Whoa, what is this, "Looney Tunes"?
- Y'all may have started this mess,
but I'm gonna settle it. - I love this courtroom!
- All rise, 'cause court is back in session.
[gavel bangs]
[dramatic music]
- She has gone from judging crackhead dance battles
in the hood to real-life court cases.
All rise for the multifaceted Ms. Pat!
♪ ♪
- Hello.
Y'all can be seated.
So how are y'all doing, jury? - Great.
- Looking beautiful, Judge.
- Ray J, I'm old enough to be your mother.
Enough with the compliments. - I'm really-- no, I'm really--
- I don't want a little Norwood.
- OK. - I don't even want no wood.
- Well, that's why we're not a hung jury today.
[laughter]
- Bailiff, get to bailiffing.
- This is the case of Hodges versus Hilton.
You may now enter.
- Plaintiff Michelle Hodges is suing her friend Monika
for $3,700, claiming she was injured
when her chair collapsed while reviewing
her friend's burgers on a live feed at Monika's house.
- That's an "I ain't playing" walk.
- Defendant and chef Monika
says Michelle's buns broke her chair
after acting cheesy over her cooking
and is countersuing for $1,500
to squash this burger beef.
- Before we get started, I just want to let y'all know,
this is a jury of my peers, OK?
I'ma use them as I see fit.
I'm probably not gonna use Ray J at [bleep] all.
[laughter]
But he's here, and we love him.
[laughter]
OK, Ms. Hodges, can you tell me why we're here today?
- I'm suing my ex-friend Monika for $3,700
for a fall I incurred at her house.
I was over there reviewing some burgers for her online.
- And so, it tastes so good that you fell?
- No, well, I was on the stool,
and I was just reviewing the burger,
just tasting it, and next thing I know,
I had collapsed on the floor. The chair had fell into pieces.
- That chair said, "[bleep] it."
[laughter]
- OK, Monika, what's your side of the story?
You make burgers so good, it knock big bitches out?
[laughter]
- I'll take it. I'll take that, Your Honor.
You ever heard the term, "So good,
it makes you wanna slap your mama?"
Well, she slapped herself on the floor.
- No, I--
- As she was describing the burger,
she was gyrating and carrying on in the chair.
- She was gyrating? - Yes, she was gyrating.
- I'm a Christian, I don't gyrate.
- You gyrating right now. Come on.
[laughter]
- Michelle, how many bites did you take
before the stool collapsed?
- It's on the videotape. Y'all ain't got the videotape?
- Please let me see this video.
- The turkey burger up there with Jesus.
[upbeat music]
Kaiser roll said, "Well, I am bread."
- Oh!
[laughter]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo! [laughs]
[laughter]
- Girl, you got the hell up out of there, didn't you?
[laughter]
Well, when did she finally tell you that she was hurt?
- About 11 months later.
- 11 months? - 11 months?
- That's a lie. That's a lie.
- What are you suing her for? - My hospital bill.
Ms. Pat, I had to go to an urgent care.
They said I had soft tissue injury, bursitis.
I coulda broke a bone, but my bones are very deep in here,
so-- - You my size.
They're real deep. They buried.
So let me ask you something, Monika.
Do you think she was injured?
- Absolutely not. - Ooh.
- What? - Let me tell you why.
My husband and a friend peeled her up off the floor.
- Peeled her up? - [laughs]
- What is this, "Looney Tunes?"
- So the turkey burger was for our live,
but what I have prepared for my daughter and I
to eat was a crab boil.
- So after you peeled her off the floor,
she got back up and ate again? - Absolutely.
[laughter]
- So-- so you fell down and created another appetite?
- Yeah. Well, it take a lot to get up.
You know, I had to get over, roll over, and bounce back up.
It's hard to get up. We rock and rock.
I said, "I'ma rock myself to sleep."
- He reenacting the fall behind you.
- Ma'am, you was doing this.
[laughter]
- So you ain't been back for another plate?
- No, no, no. I can't risk my life over food.
[laughter]
- She did, Your Honor. - Ma'am, ma'am.
- She just didn't sit.
Can I show you what my floor looked like?
- OK.
- Damn. - That was poor quality.
- She knocked the wood off the floor?
- Oh, yeah. It's a mess.
So I'm countersuing Michelle because, when she fell,
she scratched up my hardwood floors
and everything.
- How much are you countersuing her for?
- $1,500. - Please.
For them floors, them plastic floors you had?
- Oh, yeah. - Did I mention?
- OK.
Carmen, please tell me what you think about this.
- They always criticize skinny chefs,
but she's thin, and she did that thing with that burger.
I want one. I want to fall out.
Shit, I'm hungry.
[laughter]
- It's all about the fall. You got the cushion?
You got the cushion for the pushin'.
[laughter]
- Michelle, do you have any final remarks
about this burger that knocked you off your ass?
- I would like to say, Ms. Pat,
that I was truly, truly injured.
I've got a suffering soul.
[laughter]
And so because of that, I do believe
that I should be awarded my damages,
and maybe some more, if you see fit.
- Don't see that far, Your Honor.
Don't see that far.
- Monika, what's your final words
before I make my decision?
- I think mostly her pride was injured
because when I pulled out that seafood platter...
- The aches and pains left. - That's right.
[laughter]
- OK, I'm gonna settle this once and for all.
♪ ♪
I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
You, Michelle. Yes.
Monika, I order you to pay Michelle
$200 for some groceries.
- [chuckles] - What?
- To make another burger.
'Cause neither of y'all deserve anything.
- It all can't feed me but one meal.
- One meal knocked you out.
This one meal will pick you back up.
[laughter]
Now get your ass out of here. I just settled it.
- You are dismissed. - Bye-bye.
- Bye, y'all. - Watch out.
There's a chair back there.
[laughter]
I'm a plus-size woman, so when I go
to people houses, I got to shake some stuff
to make sure it don't crumble.
- It's kind of like this chair
I been doing this whole time I been here.
- I'm tired of hearing it cry. - Oh, my God.
- Wait a minute. [laughs]
Wait a minute now.
[laughter]
- I wanted her to show up looking like Kelly Rowland.
- This is what he wanted you to look like.
What Kelly Rowland did you show up looking like?
- Oh, hell no.
[laughter]
- Y'all gotta stop.
- How you doing, jury?
- I would like to break for recess.
- I would like you to sit down.
- Karlous, don't make me eat you.
And you over there looking like an M&M with no nuts.
- Oh.
- That's 'cause the nuts are on the bottom.
- [laughs]
All right, I love you guys,
but let's get to bailiffing, bailiff.
- This is the case of Easley versus Collins.
[record scratch]
- [chuckles]
- Don't even trip out there, dog.
- [laughs]
- Plaintiff and rapper
Chris Easley is suing his friend Dionna
for $2,500, the deposit he paid her
to star in his music video,
but when she arrived for the shoot,
she came with a terrible look and ruined the vibe.
Defendant Dionna Collins says she came looking
exactly like Chris asked her to,
so she's countersuing for $2,500,
the rest of the money she's owed
since she did her job.
- Chris, tell me why we're here today.
- I am here today because I am suing Dionna Collins
AKA Black Diamond for $2,500
that I paid her as a deposit for my latest music video
because she breached the contract.
In the contract, it stated that I wanted her
to show up looking like Kelly Rowland.
There was a reference photo that I showed her.
I wanted her to have, you know,
soft glam, very natural.
She showed up looking the total opposite.
So I'm here to get my money back.
- Dionna, tell me why you're here today.
- I was booked by Mr. Chris Easley
to do a feature and a video, right?
Listen, I don't know which Kelly Rowland he wanted.
I gave the Kelly Rowland I had. OK.
[laughter]
- Maybe a little Kelly Price.
- I booked a stylist. I showed up.
- And there was a dilemma. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Quiet, please.
- I'm sorry. I tried.
- Here's the thing.
I'm countersuing him for the remaining balance
of our contract because he's in breach.
Because I showed up, OK?
I did what was needed to be done.
- How much are you countersuing him for, baby?
- $2,500. - OK.
What was the total payment that he hired you for?
- I charged him $5,000. - You charged him $5,000.
And what was you gonna do in this video
looking like Kelly Rowland? Was you gonna lip-synch?
- Well, I'm a rap artist. - OK.
- I'm a celebrity artist, OK?
So he figured that by booking me,
that would help his platform.
- And did y'all have a contract?
- Yeah.
- You hand it to Ms. Patricia. I mean, Ms. Pat.
- OK, this is the contract.
Black Diamond will be performing her version
of a feature on Chris Easley song,
"Get Rich," and is required to show up
with a soft glam makeup beam.
It don't say you were looking for Kelly in this.
Did you want her to look like Kelly Rowland,
or did you want her to come out with soft glam?
- I sent her a reference photo of how I wanted her to look...
- Let me see that photo.
- The documents of what I wanted her to look like.
And she didn't look shit like that.
- Were you dressing as Nelly? - Huh?
[laughter]
- Was it like-- that the vibe?
Were you gonna be Nelly 'cause she look like that,
the vibe? - Quiet in court.
- Dang. I'm sorry, "Bridgerton."
[laughter]
- So this is what he wanted you to look like?
- ♪ Impossible ♪
- So let me ask you something.
What Kelly Rowland did you show up looking like?
- I have pictures.
- So did he ask you to look
like Kelly Rowland or soft glam?
- He said soft glam. - Oh, hell no.
[laughter]
- Y'all gotta stop!
[laughter]
- That is not soft glam.
- That's that glam glam right there.
- Yeah, tell me something, baby.
- My stylist did it.
I paid her $2,500 to style me. - Wow.
- You paid somebody $2,500 to make you look
like you work at UniverSoul Circus?
- I was about to say that! I was just about to say that.
- It's giving me more of Chris Tucker "Fifth Element."
- I was thinking the same thing!
- I was thinking more of "Hunger Games."
- No. - OK.
[laughter]
- Did she end up in your video? - She didn't.
I sent her ass home.
She walked off, and she was like,
"This is not how you treat a celebrity."
I was like... - Yeah.
- "Celebrities will not show up
"looking a fool and the total opposite
of what's in the contract."
- All right, I'ma go to my jury.
- The contract says soft glam. She showed up hard as hell.
[laughter]
I don't think nobody should get shit.
- Well, since Drapes tried it...
- "Bridgerton."
- [laughs]
- Drapes wanted to have, like a, you know,
overall clean look, and that's what
you should have just provided.
- He's right by saying what he wants you to look like.
It's his project.
I can't show up to a movie looking a certain way
and dress the way I wanna dress,
other than Ms. Pat letting us wear our clothes
because she don't wanna buy us clothes.
[laughter]
- Can I say something? - Yes.
- Can I say something?
Ms. Black Diamond, don't let nobody
who tuck their nipples in a waist trainer
tell you nothing about... - Never did.
- What you got going on. - OK.
- So, Chris, you hired Dionna for your music video,
and you told her you wanted soft glam.
She got straight out of the car looking like RuPaul
with a whole bunch of makeup,
and he said, "That ain't what I told you to do".
You countersuing him because you want
the rest of your money,
and I understand that too.
So I've come to my decision.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
Nobody. - Mm.
Mm-mm-mm.
- Neither one of y'all get nothing.
Chris, you gave her $2,500,
but when she showed up, you told her to go home.
Had she performed, you would have had
to give her the other $2,500.
He told you to come soft glam looking like Kelly Rowland,
you just showed up with too much makeup on.
At least you got the deposit.
I will say this to you--
if you don't take nothing away from this today,
you should take what Tamar said to you.
- What did she say? - Ooh, no.
- You should change your new rapper name to Drapes.
[laughter]
Get your ass out of here.
- You are dismissed. - Bye, Drapes.
- You say this, "Hey, get out of here,"
everybody do like this.
Drapes. Pull back the Drapes.
Everybody pull back the Drapes.
- Wait till Kelly Rowland see this shit.
[laughter]
- I'm here, Your Honor, suing for my iPhone 14
that she's broken.
- And how many phones she done broke?
- This is the third one. - What?
- Aw, three phones?
Come on, now, Sideshow Bob,
you can't be doing her phones like this.
[laughter]
- Hey, y'all. - Hey.
- Looking good today. - I got to be honest with you.
Everybody come in this courtroom
don't deserve to have a fair trial,
but they do deserve to be in front
of one of the hottest juries out there.
- That's right. - Aww.
- Ow. - Y'all look good.
All right, then, come on and bring 'em in then,
bailiff, and start bailiffing.
- This is the case of Robinson versus Edwards.
You may now enter.
- Plaintiff Kiera Robinson is suing her ex, Dominique,
for $999 to replace the phone she says Dominique
destroyed in a jealous rage.
Defendant Dominique Edwards says Kiera was messing around
behind her back, which is why she doesn't owe a dime
to Kiera's cheating ass.
- All right, let's get it started.
Kiera, tell us why we're here today.
- I'm here, Your Honor, suing Dominique Edwards
for my iPhone 14 for $999.
This is the third iPhone that she's broken.
- What?
- And I don't feel like I should have to pay for it.
- So tell me, how did this phone get broken?
- I was asleep.
She went through my phone. - Oh.
- Wow. - Mm.
- And she saw some text messages,
got upset, woke me up.
She took the phone and threw it at the wall.
- Oh! - Yes.
And it broke.
- Kiera, let me ask you something.
How y'all know each other?
- We dated off and on for seven years.
- Seven years.
So y'all been through quite a few iPhones?
- Hm, mm-hmm.
- All right, Dominique, let me hear
what you got to say.
- I don't believe she should be suing me.
She is a liar. - Oh.
- And I don't feel like I should be paying for it.
- And how many phones she done broke?
- This is the third one. - What?
- Aw, three phones? Come on, now, Sideshow Bob.
You can't be doing her phones like this.
[laughter]
- Did you just call this lady Sideshow Bob?
- I'm just saying, it's the hair.
You cute though. Your hair cute.
- Thank you.
- So you went through the phone,
and you saw some text messages.
You didn't look at the date, you just read the messages
and went the hell off.
- Ah, that's why I say she's a liar.
It was literally messages from, like, the previous week.
- Oh? - What'd you see, girl?
- We've been dating on and off, and she was basically
having a whole relationship going on.
- Oh! - No, it was not.
- My goodness. - It was.
- It was a whole relationship,
and I just had no idea about it.
And the phone only got broke because I woke her up
and showed it to her.
When I showed her the phone, and she went to try to,
like, tackle me.
That's how the phone got broken.
I was just like, "Come on now. After seven years, Kiera,
like, you could play with me like that."
I may do something, but I would never disrespect her like that.
- Do you love her? - Yeah.
[audience gasps]
I wholeheartedly love her, but she just not right.
- I think she want you like I want Waffle House.
[laughter]
Let me ask you something.
Who paid for this iPhone?
[dramatic music]
- Oh. Oh, ho, ho, ho.
- Wait a minute.
- OK, now we're getting somewhere.
- Plaintiff Kiera Robinson is suing
ex-girlfriend Dominique for $999
to replace the phone she says Dominique broke
in a jealous fit.
But defendant Dominique claims it was actually Kiera
who broke her own phone trying to cover up her secrets.
Ms. Pat is about to settle it.
- Let me ask you something.
Who paid for this iPhone?
- Oh. - Oh.
Oh, ho, ho, ho. - Wait a minute.
- Who paid-- one more time, Kiera.
Look at me.
Don't even look over there, dear.
Who paid for this iPhone?
- I had somebody go half with me.
- Who went half with you with this iPhone?
- The girl. - Oh.
- You have the nerve to be in here suing Dominique.
- You was leading that lady on.
- Wasn't. - Yes, you was.
- Yes.
- All right, I got the phone right here.
So you did throw the phone?
Look at the phone. Did you do that?
Yes or no, that's all I need.
- Can you see how little I am? - Well, you can throw.
- Just say no. - Yes, I did.
- Oh, thank you.
- She can't even lie when she need to lie.
- All right, I'm gonna go to my jury.
Come on, help me with this.
- This case is about the phone.
She's suing for a phone she didn't even pay for.
Girl-- - I went half.
So it's mine. It don't matter.
- Break it up, and just move on.
Y'all lying, y'all buying, lying, trying.
- Ray J know about that 'cause he been divorced
eight times and remarried.
[laughter]
- Dominique, is this your first real love?
- Yes.
- When you're 25, and that's your first real love,
it's hard to let go of,
but sometimes, you just have to
so you can move on.
- All right, I'ma say this.
Dominique, damn, when are you gonna grow up?
Leave this woman alone.
Kiera, Dominique broke your phone.
It's all because she went in your phone
and found a text message and realized
that she was dealing with a liar.
You can shake your head all you want to.
You can play her for a fool.
You can't play me for a fool.
And with that said, I've come to my final decision, boo-boo.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
Kiera Robinson. - Thank you.
- Dominique, you're ordered to pay her $499.50.
That's half the phone.
And I almost changed my verdict because I didn't wanna do it,
but she did break your phone.
If you don't take nothing away from this courtroom today,
I want you to take this.
Treat people the way you want to be treated,
because she really loves you. I can see it.
- Mm.
- I'm just-- that's a piece of advice from a old ho.
[laughter]
All right.
Now, so get out of my courtroom.
- Take care of yourself, Dominique.
- I knew I was gonna get to the bottom of that love triangle.
- That girl busy.
She get money from everywhere. - Yeah.
Hustling, playing games.
Pat, the depreciation, you should have gave her $40
for that raggedy-ass phone.
[laughter]
- Next time on "Ms. Pat Settles It."
- Sound effect's got to be high-pitched fart,
because I farted my whole BBL out.
- Fart? - Mmmmm, like that?
[laughter]
- She butchered my dog's haircut.
Brace yourself. - Oh, hell no.
[laughter] - What?
- Can you take the picture down?
This white girl about to start crying.
[laughter]
- You look like a Teletubby over there, please.
- Oh!
- You look like a Nickelodeon blimp.
[laughter]
- Where's your husband?
- My husband is dead like your ends.
[laughter]