1
00:00:15,043 --> 00:00:16,251
[sniffling]

2
00:00:16,334 --> 00:00:18,334
[woman sobbing softly]

3
00:00:19,334 --> 00:00:22,376
[woman sobbing]

4
00:00:27,293 --> 00:00:30,751
[woman continues sobbing]

5
00:00:32,709 --> 00:00:36,126
[multiple coworkers sobbing]

6
00:00:36,209 --> 00:00:38,209
[sobbing]

7
00:00:41,293 --> 00:00:44,126
[all sobbing]

8
00:00:47,793 --> 00:00:51,834
[somber music playing]

9
00:00:51,918 --> 00:00:53,168
[sobbing continues]

10
00:00:53,251 --> 00:00:54,334
[Donna] Oh.

11
00:00:54,418 --> 00:00:56,084
What the hell?

12
00:00:56,168 --> 00:00:58,584
[sobbing continues]

13
00:01:14,751 --> 00:01:17,459
Somebody's getting fired over this shit.

14
00:01:17,543 --> 00:01:18,876
[music and sobbing fade]

15
00:01:21,501 --> 00:01:24,334
[tense piano music playing]

16
00:01:34,793 --> 00:01:37,001
HR case number 7-dash-3.

17
00:01:37,626 --> 00:01:39,668
Or maybe it's 4. [sharp inhale]

18
00:01:39,751 --> 00:01:42,626
In the interest of providing
my summary of today's event

19
00:01:42,709 --> 00:01:45,251
as swiftly and as detailed as possible,

20
00:01:45,334 --> 00:01:49,501
I have not, as of yet, double-checked
with my previous case file numbers.

21
00:01:51,084 --> 00:01:54,543
At approximately 1100 hours today,

22
00:01:54,626 --> 00:01:57,501
an incident occurred
that can only be described

23
00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:00,543
as a spontaneous fit of hysteria.

24
00:02:00,626 --> 00:02:02,668
This convulsive wave of emotions

25
00:02:02,751 --> 00:02:05,876
seized the office for exactly
three and a half minutes

26
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,459
before finally subsiding.

27
00:02:07,543 --> 00:02:10,209
[all sobbing softly]

28
00:02:10,293 --> 00:02:13,126
[wailing]

29
00:02:14,959 --> 00:02:17,501
I'm sorry, guys. I'm done.

30
00:02:21,126 --> 00:02:23,918
It's hard to pinpoint
what spurred today's events.

31
00:02:24,001 --> 00:02:28,251
Suffice it to say it is
but one of many erratic behaviors

32
00:02:28,334 --> 00:02:32,126
that have arisen here in the office
over the past few months.

33
00:02:32,209 --> 00:02:36,709
These include, but are not limited to,
chatter around the water cooler,

34
00:02:36,793 --> 00:02:39,043
spells of boisterous laughter,

35
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:41,376
high-fives, low-fives,

36
00:02:41,459 --> 00:02:43,834
and, in one instance, a shoulder pat.

37
00:02:43,918 --> 00:02:48,418
Three weeks ago,
I was witness to a non-platonic hug.

38
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:51,168
Dear listener, I believe these events

39
00:02:51,251 --> 00:02:55,876
are all somehow related to the emotional
display that occurred here today.

40
00:02:55,959 --> 00:03:00,793
Not only that, but their timeline
seems inextricably linked

41
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:03,584
to the hiring of one employee.

42
00:03:06,501 --> 00:03:09,251
A Carol Daphne Kohl.

43
00:03:09,334 --> 00:03:11,543
Single. Childless.

44
00:03:11,626 --> 00:03:15,001
Emergency contact,
Bernard and Pauline Kohl.

45
00:03:15,501 --> 00:03:17,626
I believe lurking behind Carol…

46
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:21,501
[recorder clicks]

47
00:03:30,751 --> 00:03:32,251
Hi, I'm Carol.

48
00:03:33,626 --> 00:03:35,626
Spiffy tie you got there, Bill.

49
00:03:37,209 --> 00:03:38,876
Oh, no! Shit. Shit. Shoot.

50
00:03:53,709 --> 00:03:54,668
[spits]

51
00:03:58,543 --> 00:04:01,918
[ticking]

52
00:04:02,001 --> 00:04:04,501
[ticking continues]

53
00:04:07,668 --> 00:04:09,459
She could destroy us.

54
00:04:10,043 --> 00:04:12,043
-[recorder clicks]
-[ticking continues]

55
00:04:13,543 --> 00:04:15,001
[ticking fades]

56
00:04:15,084 --> 00:04:18,043
[faint birdsong]

57
00:04:21,709 --> 00:04:24,209
[gentle piano music playing]

58
00:04:25,751 --> 00:04:28,626
On the surface, Ms. Kohl
seems to be the perfect employee.

59
00:04:28,709 --> 00:04:33,293
Her docile demeanor emanates a certain
je ne sais quoi of dependability,

60
00:04:33,376 --> 00:04:37,376
and one would think her shyness
would keep her in line with the others.

61
00:04:37,459 --> 00:04:42,376
But beneath her benign presentation
lies a dangerous rebellious streak,

62
00:04:42,459 --> 00:04:46,418
one I fear has already begun
to infect the office.

63
00:04:48,126 --> 00:04:52,126
I first noticed Miss Kohl's behavior
on the Tuesday of April 7th.

64
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:53,834
-[toilet flushes]
-[Carol] Sarah.

65
00:04:54,459 --> 00:04:56,418
-[toilet flushes]
-[Carol] Vanessa.

66
00:04:56,501 --> 00:04:58,459
-[toilet flushes]
-[Carol] Francine.

67
00:04:59,043 --> 00:05:01,876
Names are designations of who we are.

68
00:05:01,959 --> 00:05:06,168
When recalled,
they create a measure of familiarity.

69
00:05:06,251 --> 00:05:09,584
When your name is spoken,
a type of intimacy is created.

70
00:05:09,668 --> 00:05:12,668
You are no longer
just a stranger or coworker,

71
00:05:12,751 --> 00:05:18,251
you are now an acquaintance
with the possibility of more.

72
00:05:18,334 --> 00:05:19,543
-Tim.
-[coughing]

73
00:05:19,626 --> 00:05:20,709
Joe.

74
00:05:20,793 --> 00:05:23,793
Alyssa. James. Cathy.

75
00:05:33,126 --> 00:05:35,334
This was ultimately followed
by an incident

76
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:39,084
where Miss Kohl led eight other members
of the office onto the roof

77
00:05:39,168 --> 00:05:44,543
for an unsolicited wake
for a one David Douglas Seaver.

78
00:05:44,626 --> 00:05:47,834
The incident resulted in the time theft of

79
00:05:48,751 --> 00:05:50,793
eight minutes and 43 seconds.

80
00:05:50,876 --> 00:05:52,001
[recorder clicks]

81
00:05:54,709 --> 00:05:58,584
[HR woman] Since then, the antics
of Miss Kohl have only become more brazen.

82
00:06:02,626 --> 00:06:06,834
On April 15th, Miss Kohl set about
decorating her workspace,

83
00:06:06,918 --> 00:06:11,043
using treasured possessions
to inject personality

84
00:06:11,126 --> 00:06:13,084
in and around her desk.

85
00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:17,251
Personally, I do not believe
the office is an appropriate place

86
00:06:17,334 --> 00:06:19,834
to display your financial dependents,

87
00:06:19,918 --> 00:06:22,418
but I understand the general sentiment.

88
00:06:24,293 --> 00:06:27,418
I, on the other hand,
have no tolerance for such kitsch,

89
00:06:27,501 --> 00:06:30,501
particularly Miss Kohl's collection
of ceramic mice.

90
00:06:31,584 --> 00:06:37,168
Slowly but surely, the contagion
spread among the rank and file.

91
00:06:37,251 --> 00:06:40,834
A rash of tchotchkes, photographs,

92
00:06:40,918 --> 00:06:45,334
constellations of personal artifacts
all on display.

93
00:06:45,418 --> 00:06:48,501
The faint flickering of private lives

94
00:06:48,584 --> 00:06:52,751
here… in our office.

95
00:06:56,209 --> 00:06:57,209
Just like that,

96
00:06:57,293 --> 00:07:01,626
the professionalism this office
had come to so embody was gone.

97
00:07:02,959 --> 00:07:06,543
Miss Kohl had altered it,
perhaps irrevocably.

98
00:07:07,293 --> 00:07:11,043
Brief aside, Miss Kohl requisitioned
a tier-one company vehicle

99
00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:14,418
in the commission of a work-related matter
several weeks ago.

100
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:19,584
Since then, she has used said vehicle
almost daily for personal matters.

101
00:07:19,668 --> 00:07:20,751
Unacceptable.

102
00:07:21,834 --> 00:07:26,501
Fortunately for the office, I managed
to get the drop on her next move.

103
00:07:26,584 --> 00:07:28,709
[melancholy orchestral music playing]

104
00:07:28,793 --> 00:07:31,459
[HR woman] An unauthorized lunch swap.

105
00:07:34,668 --> 00:07:36,418
Social lunches,

106
00:07:36,501 --> 00:07:40,293
particularly those involving swapping,
trading, or pot-lucking

107
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,584
are a gateway to camaraderie.

108
00:07:43,209 --> 00:07:47,709
When one finds out another also
likes tomatoes in their pesto pasta,

109
00:07:47,793 --> 00:07:49,834
it forges an understanding,

110
00:07:49,918 --> 00:07:52,834
an understanding that forms a bridge

111
00:07:52,918 --> 00:07:55,709
that invariably leads to friendship.

112
00:07:58,209 --> 00:07:59,751
Now, because of tomatoes,

113
00:07:59,834 --> 00:08:02,209
you have someone
to spend coffee breaks with

114
00:08:02,293 --> 00:08:04,043
and tell your secrets to.

115
00:08:11,501 --> 00:08:13,418
Even a simple potato frittata

116
00:08:13,501 --> 00:08:16,543
could make someone feel more loyal
to their new coworker

117
00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:18,418
than to their duties.

118
00:08:20,126 --> 00:08:23,959
But, gentle listener,
this is only the beginning.

119
00:08:25,293 --> 00:08:28,293
Miss Kohl's friendship offensive
found its first victims

120
00:08:28,376 --> 00:08:31,668
in two previously-reliable employees,

121
00:08:31,751 --> 00:08:34,084
beginning with one Donna Shaw.

122
00:08:35,626 --> 00:08:39,501
African-American, divorced, five children,

123
00:08:39,584 --> 00:08:41,543
astigmatism in both eyes,

124
00:08:41,626 --> 00:08:46,459
Miss Shaw is what we call
in Human Resources "an ideal employee."

125
00:08:46,543 --> 00:08:48,668
Dependable, task-oriented,

126
00:08:48,751 --> 00:08:51,668
thrives on the sense of purpose
work provides,

127
00:08:51,751 --> 00:08:53,959
or at least she did.

128
00:08:55,418 --> 00:08:58,001
Precisely what led
this paragon of diligence

129
00:08:58,084 --> 00:09:00,834
-to ally with Miss Kohl cannot be known.
-[sniffing]

130
00:09:00,918 --> 00:09:03,709
But it is a great loss to our cause.

131
00:09:04,459 --> 00:09:05,459
C'est la vie.

132
00:09:06,501 --> 00:09:11,334
The third member of this insurrectionary
triumvirate is something of an enigma.

133
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:18,084
On the surface, Luis Felipe Jacinto
seemed like any adequate employee.

134
00:09:18,168 --> 00:09:19,043
[shutter clicks]

135
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:24,126
Habitually on-time, hard-working,
by all accounts entirely unremarkable.

136
00:09:24,209 --> 00:09:26,043
But as I looked closer,

137
00:09:26,126 --> 00:09:33,126
I began to observe in him an inexplicable
and frankly unsettling joie de vivre,

138
00:09:33,209 --> 00:09:37,418
an effervescent lust for life
that the routine and rigor of the office

139
00:09:37,501 --> 00:09:39,126
had perhaps suppressed,

140
00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:42,626
only for Miss Kohl to draw it out.

141
00:09:46,209 --> 00:09:51,584
I can't really sing along, so sometimes
I just accompany her with my recorder.

142
00:09:51,668 --> 00:09:54,959
You can play Whitney Houston
on a recorder? [laughs]

143
00:09:55,043 --> 00:09:59,001
I brought it to a concert once
but was too afraid to play it.

144
00:09:59,084 --> 00:10:00,459
[HR woman] Over time,

145
00:10:00,543 --> 00:10:04,668
these three have managed to foment
a sense of unity among the workforce

146
00:10:04,751 --> 00:10:08,043
through a variety
of disruptive activities.

147
00:10:08,126 --> 00:10:10,626
The creation of a lunchtime Spanish club.

148
00:10:10,709 --> 00:10:13,584
Buenos días. Me llamo Donna.

149
00:10:13,668 --> 00:10:15,501
[Luis speaking Spanish]

150
00:10:15,584 --> 00:10:16,876
[all] Hola, Donna.

151
00:10:17,876 --> 00:10:19,751
[HR woman] Weekly tanning sessions.

152
00:10:21,001 --> 00:10:24,501
Multiple instances
in which Miss Kohl played matchmaker,

153
00:10:24,584 --> 00:10:29,001
resulting in several couplings
and at least one polyamorous quad.

154
00:10:29,751 --> 00:10:31,626
-The arrival of a stray dog.
-[dog yipping]

155
00:10:31,709 --> 00:10:34,126
Check it out!
This little guy followed us in!

156
00:10:34,209 --> 00:10:35,834
Anybody want to name him?

157
00:10:35,918 --> 00:10:36,959
Amaya?

158
00:10:37,751 --> 00:10:39,626
Leonard? Suzanne?

159
00:10:39,709 --> 00:10:44,418
And the gradual individualization
of the Terrys.

160
00:10:44,501 --> 00:10:46,043
-Terry B.
-Thank you, Carol.

161
00:10:46,126 --> 00:10:47,626
-Terry L.
-I appreciate it, Carol.

162
00:10:47,709 --> 00:10:48,876
-Terry P.
-Thanks, Carol.

163
00:10:48,959 --> 00:10:50,459
-Terry F.
-Danke schoen, Carol.

164
00:10:50,543 --> 00:10:52,959
-Terry C.
-Much obliged, Carol.

165
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:58,293
All of which leads me to Miss Kohl's
latest and most consequential disruption,

166
00:10:58,376 --> 00:11:02,293
which I believe accounts for
the other day's upsetting disturbance.

167
00:11:02,376 --> 00:11:04,251
I am of course speaking of--

168
00:11:04,334 --> 00:11:06,334
[knocking on door]

169
00:11:06,418 --> 00:11:08,168
-Sorry to bother.
-What's going on?

170
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:11,126
-We were wondering about your report.
-Why isn't it ready?

171
00:11:11,209 --> 00:11:13,001
It should be done. You've had two days.

172
00:11:13,084 --> 00:11:14,501
These investigations take time.

173
00:11:14,584 --> 00:11:16,918
-I'm going as fast as I can.
-[both] Very well.

174
00:11:17,001 --> 00:11:18,709
Don't forget to keep us in the loop, okay?

175
00:11:18,793 --> 00:11:21,126
I want an email summarizing everything.

176
00:11:21,209 --> 00:11:22,626
This is really a shame.

177
00:11:22,709 --> 00:11:24,084
Rather disappointing.

178
00:11:26,209 --> 00:11:30,293
-[vacuum cleaner whirring]
-[somber string music playing]

179
00:11:42,418 --> 00:11:45,793
I'm thinking about
finally getting some new insoles.

180
00:11:46,834 --> 00:11:48,584
Something with arch support.

181
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:53,918
Probably with some heel protection
for walking on concrete.

182
00:11:54,001 --> 00:11:57,293
Something in the gel family,
but not too soft.

183
00:11:57,376 --> 00:11:59,501
-Something on the firmer--
-Bernard.

184
00:11:59,584 --> 00:12:00,751
Oh.

185
00:12:00,834 --> 00:12:02,459
-[Michael] Pauline.
-Okay.

186
00:12:02,543 --> 00:12:05,209
You've both been
by my side over the years and--

187
00:12:05,293 --> 00:12:09,334
[gasps] Oh my God! How wonderful!

188
00:12:09,418 --> 00:12:12,834
Of course, Michael! Of course!

189
00:12:14,959 --> 00:12:17,084
[woman on radio]
And with Keppler's gravitational pull

190
00:12:17,168 --> 00:12:19,001
slowing Earth's rotation,

191
00:12:19,084 --> 00:12:23,251
get ready for 19-hour days
and 19-hour nights.

192
00:12:23,876 --> 00:12:25,501
I'm gonna eat you up!

193
00:12:25,584 --> 00:12:28,709
Yes, I am. Eat you right up. Ay!

194
00:12:28,793 --> 00:12:30,418
No scratchies, Pablo.

195
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:32,584
No scratchies.

196
00:12:42,668 --> 00:12:44,668
[ticking]

197
00:12:48,126 --> 00:12:49,459
As I was saying,

198
00:12:49,543 --> 00:12:51,168
the previously-outlined events

199
00:12:51,251 --> 00:12:55,876
have led me to Miss Kohl's
latest and most volatile disruption,

200
00:12:55,959 --> 00:13:00,084
which I believe accounts
for this week's upsetting disturbance…

201
00:13:00,168 --> 00:13:01,834
Applebee's.

202
00:13:02,584 --> 00:13:05,668
I am of course referring to Applebee's.

203
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:06,709
[ticking fades]

204
00:13:07,751 --> 00:13:11,251
[ominous music swells]

205
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:16,834
Come on, Luis. It's time to go.

206
00:13:16,918 --> 00:13:19,376
Wait, just one more number.

207
00:13:20,084 --> 00:13:22,459
Seven. Nine.

208
00:13:22,543 --> 00:13:23,709
That's two numbers.

209
00:13:23,793 --> 00:13:25,293
It's a big number, Donna.

210
00:13:26,418 --> 00:13:29,043
-Four. Eight.
-[keyboard clacking]

211
00:13:29,126 --> 00:13:31,959
-Heading home?
-[Donna] Trying to. Luis is stalling.

212
00:13:32,043 --> 00:13:34,126
Yeah. I hate leaving too.

213
00:13:34,209 --> 00:13:36,376
[Luis] Shh.
You're making me lose my place.

214
00:13:36,459 --> 00:13:40,001
Four and zero.

215
00:13:40,084 --> 00:13:44,418
$794,840.

216
00:13:45,209 --> 00:13:46,376
[Luis sighs]

217
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:48,376
Why is this part always so hard?

218
00:13:48,459 --> 00:13:51,876
It's just how it is.
Your work will be here tomorrow.

219
00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:57,209
You know, we don't have to.

220
00:13:57,293 --> 00:14:00,876
-What?
-I mean, we can, like, hang out.

221
00:14:00,959 --> 00:14:02,709
Remember that night with David?

222
00:14:02,793 --> 00:14:05,209
Oh, that was so much fun.

223
00:14:05,293 --> 00:14:08,626
We were dragging around a dead body
and you had a nervous breakdown.

224
00:14:08,709 --> 00:14:12,209
And not to mention,
my trunk is still fucked.

225
00:14:12,293 --> 00:14:14,459
But, like, without all that.

226
00:14:14,543 --> 00:14:15,876
No dead body?

227
00:14:15,959 --> 00:14:17,751
No dead body.

228
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:18,793
Hmm.

229
00:14:18,876 --> 00:14:19,751
Drinks?

230
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:21,959
At a bar? Lord, no.

231
00:14:22,043 --> 00:14:23,209
I'd rather be in bed.

232
00:14:23,293 --> 00:14:27,084
Huh. Too many crazies
letting it all hang every which way.

233
00:14:27,168 --> 00:14:30,084
-Makes it impossible to do anything.
-Yeah.

234
00:14:32,334 --> 00:14:34,918
If only there was a place
that was like the office.

235
00:14:35,001 --> 00:14:37,584
Quiet, free of all that stuff out there.

236
00:14:38,584 --> 00:14:41,084
Guys, guys, I know a place.

237
00:14:41,168 --> 00:14:43,543
-[upbeat electronic music playing]
-A home away from home.

238
00:14:43,626 --> 00:14:47,751
A casual spot,
decorated with unique flair,

239
00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:51,376
filled with comfortable seats
and bottomless drinks.

240
00:14:51,459 --> 00:14:52,543
And best of all--

241
00:14:52,626 --> 00:14:55,751
Is it close? I'm only going if it's close.

242
00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:57,876
Oh, it's in the neighborhood.

243
00:14:57,959 --> 00:14:59,459
Well, then, lead the way.

244
00:14:59,543 --> 00:15:00,709
How fun!

245
00:15:00,793 --> 00:15:02,793
Hey! Can I come too?

246
00:15:02,876 --> 00:15:04,293
That kind of sounds like fun.

247
00:15:04,376 --> 00:15:06,334
Um… Sure.

248
00:15:06,418 --> 00:15:07,251
Yeah.

249
00:15:07,334 --> 00:15:09,418
Great. I'll pack my stuff.

250
00:15:09,501 --> 00:15:12,793
I swear to God,
he better not end up in my trunk.

251
00:15:13,501 --> 00:15:15,293
[slurping loudly]

252
00:15:16,751 --> 00:15:18,376
Damn, Carol.

253
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:21,209
If I knew you
could make an Appletini like this,

254
00:15:21,293 --> 00:15:23,834
we would have been
doing this from the start.

255
00:15:23,918 --> 00:15:25,793
[laughs]

256
00:15:25,876 --> 00:15:27,418
What can I say?

257
00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:28,626
I don't know.

258
00:15:28,709 --> 00:15:30,251
Girl's got a gift.

259
00:15:30,334 --> 00:15:32,126
[snickers] Carol's blasted.

260
00:15:32,209 --> 00:15:33,709
[both laughing]

261
00:15:33,793 --> 00:15:35,543
We should do this more often.

262
00:15:35,626 --> 00:15:38,209
Yeah! Like, every week.

263
00:15:38,293 --> 00:15:39,251
I'm down.

264
00:15:39,834 --> 00:15:41,418
I love you guys.

265
00:15:41,501 --> 00:15:42,709
Yup.

266
00:15:42,793 --> 00:15:45,334
Sounds like a plan.

267
00:15:45,418 --> 00:15:48,209
[upbeat music continues]

268
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:03,584
[whispers] It's called "Applebee's."

269
00:16:03,668 --> 00:16:06,209
Applebee's? Wait, but aren't they…?

270
00:16:07,793 --> 00:16:09,668
[Carol, Donna, and Luis] Terrys!

271
00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:11,293
[slurping loudly]

272
00:16:18,126 --> 00:16:20,001
Have I met them?

273
00:16:29,584 --> 00:16:31,584
[all] Chloe!

274
00:16:31,668 --> 00:16:33,418
Carol!

275
00:16:33,501 --> 00:16:36,293
[Carol] Oh, sorry. I was already here.
I just stepped out to--

276
00:16:36,376 --> 00:16:37,918
[all] Patrick!

277
00:16:50,084 --> 00:16:52,084
[indistinct chatter]

278
00:16:52,584 --> 00:16:53,918
[all] Andrew!

279
00:16:56,459 --> 00:16:58,459
[ice rattling]

280
00:17:01,376 --> 00:17:03,251
Heather! Take over.

281
00:17:03,334 --> 00:17:05,459
My arms are getting tired.

282
00:17:06,209 --> 00:17:08,293
Next question.

283
00:17:08,376 --> 00:17:11,168
"What is a group of turkeys called?"

284
00:17:11,251 --> 00:17:12,626
[coworkers murmuring]

285
00:17:12,709 --> 00:17:15,709
Ah, Nine-to-fivers.
I see you trying to cheat.

286
00:17:15,793 --> 00:17:17,584
Sit your ass back down.

287
00:17:20,209 --> 00:17:21,501
Who likes tacos?

288
00:17:21,584 --> 00:17:24,126
[cheering]

289
00:17:28,376 --> 00:17:30,084
["Love is a Battlefield" playing]

290
00:17:30,168 --> 00:17:34,501
♪ Searching our hearts for so long ♪

291
00:17:35,543 --> 00:17:38,293
♪ Both of us knowing… ♪

292
00:17:38,376 --> 00:17:40,501
[coworkers chattering]

293
00:17:40,584 --> 00:17:41,709
Cheers.

294
00:17:41,793 --> 00:17:43,918
To happy hour.

295
00:17:44,001 --> 00:17:45,459
To happy hour.

296
00:17:46,459 --> 00:17:47,918
-[music fades]
-[crickets chirping]

297
00:17:48,001 --> 00:17:50,001
[somber piano music playing]

298
00:18:03,543 --> 00:18:07,251
[HR woman] Dear listener, I must apologize
for what you are about to hear.

299
00:18:07,334 --> 00:18:10,584
You must believe me when I say
I entered into this investigation

300
00:18:10,668 --> 00:18:12,584
with the purest of intentions,

301
00:18:12,668 --> 00:18:17,459
to identify an existential threat
to our office and root it out.

302
00:18:19,709 --> 00:18:22,293
In this, I have failed.

303
00:18:23,584 --> 00:18:28,209
When I first learned
of the quote-unquote "happy hour,"

304
00:18:29,001 --> 00:18:30,834
I could scarcely believe it.

305
00:18:32,293 --> 00:18:35,168
-[woman 1] What time are you going?
-[woman 2] Right after work.

306
00:18:35,251 --> 00:18:36,251
I can't wait.

307
00:18:37,043 --> 00:18:39,459
[HR woman] So I was determined
to see it with my own eyes.

308
00:18:42,793 --> 00:18:46,668
Dear listener, it's difficult
to describe what I found there.

309
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:48,834
On the surface,

310
00:18:48,918 --> 00:18:53,543
just a group of coworkers enjoying
themselves at a casual bar and grill,

311
00:18:53,626 --> 00:18:55,168
but it was more than that.

312
00:18:55,959 --> 00:18:57,918
That place had a feeling.

313
00:18:58,834 --> 00:19:00,334
A strength.

314
00:19:03,418 --> 00:19:06,251
If the office was to be saved,
it had to be stopped.

315
00:19:06,334 --> 00:19:08,168
[all] HR!

316
00:19:08,251 --> 00:19:10,126
['80s pop guitar riff plays]

317
00:19:10,209 --> 00:19:13,168
But that's not what happened.

318
00:19:14,126 --> 00:19:16,584
[HR woman]
My initial plan was to blend in.

319
00:19:16,668 --> 00:19:19,084
I quickly found that to be impossible.

320
00:19:19,834 --> 00:19:22,793
In the office, I found it easy
to remain anonymous,

321
00:19:22,876 --> 00:19:25,751
another cog
in the machine of The Distraction.

322
00:19:27,626 --> 00:19:32,126
But here in this strange Elysium
of Miss Kohl's creation,

323
00:19:32,209 --> 00:19:34,126
everyone had a name.

324
00:19:34,209 --> 00:19:35,918
Everyone was known.

325
00:19:36,001 --> 00:19:37,584
Everyone was family.

326
00:19:39,168 --> 00:19:43,209
In time,
despite all my grand designs of sabotage,

327
00:19:43,293 --> 00:19:45,001
I was too.

328
00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:48,834
I told myself I was getting to know
these people for the investigation.

329
00:19:50,043 --> 00:19:52,543
Playing bingo for the investigation.

330
00:19:53,168 --> 00:19:56,459
Bingo! Hot damn! I got bingo!

331
00:19:57,751 --> 00:20:00,334
[HR woman]
Singing karaoke for the investigation.

332
00:20:01,126 --> 00:20:03,501
-♪ Don't you ♪
-[coworkers cheering]

333
00:20:03,584 --> 00:20:05,459
♪ Forget about me ♪

334
00:20:06,334 --> 00:20:09,501
♪ Oh, don't, don't, don't, don't ♪

335
00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:11,376
♪ Don't you ♪

336
00:20:12,168 --> 00:20:14,001
♪ Forget about me ♪

337
00:20:16,959 --> 00:20:19,209
♪ As you walk on by ♪

338
00:20:20,501 --> 00:20:22,959
♪ Will you call my name? ♪

339
00:20:25,626 --> 00:20:27,043
[pop music fades]

340
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:29,459
[somber piano music playing]

341
00:20:47,543 --> 00:20:52,876
[HR woman] In truth, I'd succumbed
to the very virus I'd set out to destroy,

342
00:20:52,959 --> 00:20:57,251
the virus that now threatens
to destroy our precious Distraction…

343
00:21:06,293 --> 00:21:08,209
Attachment.

344
00:21:10,001 --> 00:21:11,418
[knocking on door]

345
00:21:11,501 --> 00:21:14,418
-I think we have a problem here.
-Where is that goddamn report?

346
00:21:14,501 --> 00:21:16,876
-We really need that report.
-I'm almost done.

347
00:21:16,959 --> 00:21:19,084
[manager 1] Do you even understand
what's at stake here?

348
00:21:19,168 --> 00:21:21,126
-[manager 2] I want it on my desk now!
-Of course.

349
00:21:21,209 --> 00:21:22,918
This reflects poorly on everyone.

350
00:21:23,001 --> 00:21:25,293
You are fucking up big-time.

351
00:21:26,251 --> 00:21:27,543
Fuckin' up.

352
00:21:31,209 --> 00:21:33,334
[somber ambient music playing]

353
00:21:33,418 --> 00:21:37,959
It had been two weeks since the last
happy hour when the disturbance occurred.

354
00:21:42,001 --> 00:21:44,168
[HR woman] Following my investigation,

355
00:21:44,251 --> 00:21:47,918
I have determined
that the spontaneous fit of hysteria

356
00:21:48,001 --> 00:21:49,834
that gripped our office several days ago

357
00:21:49,918 --> 00:21:53,501
was in fact not spontaneous but triggered.

358
00:21:54,209 --> 00:21:58,751
Triggered by emotional attachments
formed among the people of this office.

359
00:21:59,793 --> 00:22:03,626
What began with Miss Kohl learning
the names of her coworkers

360
00:22:03,709 --> 00:22:06,876
has since evolved
into a kind of community.

361
00:22:09,043 --> 00:22:11,793
A community of people
who care for each other,

362
00:22:14,293 --> 00:22:17,001
who have chosen to care for each other,

363
00:22:17,084 --> 00:22:23,251
in spite of the pain that might entail,
given the current circumstances.

364
00:22:25,251 --> 00:22:28,751
Now, in the middle of the day,
when an employee looks at her coworker,

365
00:22:28,834 --> 00:22:31,584
she doesn't see
an Accounts Receivable clerk.

366
00:22:32,709 --> 00:22:34,168
She sees Bruce.

367
00:22:36,376 --> 00:22:37,293
Or Casey.

368
00:22:39,334 --> 00:22:40,543
Or Amanda.

369
00:22:45,251 --> 00:22:47,459
Not just coworkers, but friends.

370
00:22:48,584 --> 00:22:54,501
Friends she knows she will
one day very soon lose forever.

371
00:22:54,584 --> 00:22:56,584
[whooshing]

372
00:22:58,334 --> 00:23:00,334
[HR woman] These fits of emotion
will only get worse

373
00:23:00,418 --> 00:23:02,209
as the months and weeks count down,

374
00:23:02,834 --> 00:23:06,459
setting the stage for the complete
implosion of The Distraction.

375
00:23:07,376 --> 00:23:11,959
Our seal against the sentimental chaos
of the outside world has shattered,

376
00:23:12,043 --> 00:23:13,834
our vital routine arrested.

377
00:23:14,668 --> 00:23:17,501
Keppler's song has breached
these precious walls,

378
00:23:17,584 --> 00:23:21,876
and now not even
the wail of the copier can drown it out.

379
00:23:21,959 --> 00:23:25,626
What follows is grief and madness,

380
00:23:26,793 --> 00:23:29,709
and it is without question
that the blame for this

381
00:23:29,793 --> 00:23:32,293
lies at the very feet of one--

382
00:23:32,376 --> 00:23:33,376
[knocking]

383
00:23:34,293 --> 00:23:36,668
-Hi.
-Hi.

384
00:23:36,751 --> 00:23:37,918
Sorry.

385
00:23:38,001 --> 00:23:41,501
I was just wondering
if you're coming to happy hour tonight.

386
00:23:42,001 --> 00:23:43,251
Um…

387
00:23:43,334 --> 00:23:44,668
No. Not tonight.

388
00:23:44,751 --> 00:23:49,334
Oh, okay. Well, we missed you
the last couple weeks.

389
00:23:51,084 --> 00:23:53,543
Okay. Good night, Kathleen.

390
00:23:54,709 --> 00:23:56,209
What did you call me?

391
00:23:56,293 --> 00:23:57,501
Kathleen.

392
00:23:57,584 --> 00:23:58,918
That's your name, right?

393
00:23:59,668 --> 00:24:02,251
Oh, no! Did I get it wrong?

394
00:24:03,418 --> 00:24:04,876
No, you didn't.

395
00:24:07,043 --> 00:24:08,501
Oh, okay.

396
00:24:09,168 --> 00:24:11,501
Well, see you tomorrow.

397
00:24:11,584 --> 00:24:14,418
[dramatic orchestral music playing]

398
00:24:17,084 --> 00:24:19,084
[crying silently]

399
00:24:30,751 --> 00:24:34,501
This concludes HR case number 7-dash…

400
00:24:35,501 --> 00:24:37,459
This concludes the investigation.

401
00:24:38,293 --> 00:24:39,501
Note to listener,

402
00:24:39,584 --> 00:24:44,209
my determination
regarding employee Carol Daphne Kohl

403
00:24:44,293 --> 00:24:47,001
is supplemented here in a written report.

404
00:24:47,793 --> 00:24:51,043
[orchestral music intensifies]

405
00:24:54,043 --> 00:24:56,043
[inaudible]

406
00:25:08,543 --> 00:25:11,084
So, what do you say, Carol?

407
00:25:12,293 --> 00:25:14,126
[Donna and Luis imitate Carol]
This is nice.

408
00:25:14,209 --> 00:25:15,459
[Luis chuckles]

409
00:25:16,043 --> 00:25:17,084
But it is.

410
00:25:19,168 --> 00:25:20,168
Really.

411
00:25:34,834 --> 00:25:37,293
[orchestral music continues]

412
00:25:41,209 --> 00:25:43,918
Is anyone missing keys for a Honda?

413
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,001
Thank you.

414
00:25:46,084 --> 00:25:50,126
I feel like most people
don't even notice I'm wearing earrings.

415
00:25:52,543 --> 00:25:54,334
Good night, Kathleen.

416
00:25:56,043 --> 00:25:58,543
[orchestral music becomes dissonant]

417
00:25:58,626 --> 00:26:01,001
[low rumbling]

418
00:26:01,084 --> 00:26:04,709
-[wistful pop music playing]
-♪ Beyond the break ♪

419
00:26:04,793 --> 00:26:08,959
♪ You'll find another name ♪

420
00:26:09,043 --> 00:26:13,126
♪ A deeper guy ♪