1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:10,719 [cheering, applauding] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,931 ["Many Men (Wish Death)" by 50 Cent playing] 5 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,643 ♪ Many men wish death upon me ♪ 6 00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:21,396 ♪ Blood in my eye, dawg, and I can't see ♪ 7 00:00:21,479 --> 00:00:24,274 ♪ I'm tryin' to be What I'm destined to be ♪ 8 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,860 ♪ And niggas tryin' to take my life away… ♪ 9 00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:29,863 [mouthing] Thank you so much, man. Wow! 10 00:00:30,655 --> 00:00:33,116 ♪ My back on the wall, Now you gon' see ♪ 11 00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:36,369 ♪ Better watch how you talk When you talk about me ♪ 12 00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:38,747 ♪ Cause I'll come and take your life away ♪ 13 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:42,751 ♪ Many men Many, many, many, many men ♪ 14 00:00:43,334 --> 00:00:47,380 ♪ Wish death 'pon me Lord, I don't cry no more… ♪ 15 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,926 [audience cheering, applauding] 16 00:00:52,677 --> 00:00:55,055 [shouts] D.C., what's going on? 17 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,017 Oh my God. [chuckles excitedly] 18 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:01,519 Thank you. 19 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:04,898 Thank you. Sit down, sit down, get comfortable, my God. 20 00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,691 Thank you so much. 21 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:08,234 Oh! 22 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:10,195 [audience cheering, applauding] 23 00:01:10,278 --> 00:01:11,279 [Matt sighs gently] 24 00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:14,157 Thank you. 25 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,951 Thank you so much, man. 26 00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:18,578 Washington, D.C. 27 00:01:18,661 --> 00:01:20,205 We're doing Netflix, baby. 28 00:01:20,288 --> 00:01:23,249 We're doin' it. We're doin' it. Oh! 29 00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:29,547 This is so cool, man. I wish… 30 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,633 [mouth clicks] I wish my grandpa could see this. 31 00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:35,053 He, um… I… I… I always wanted to bring him here to visit. 32 00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:37,764 You know, he knew how much I loved D.C., and he… he… 33 00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:41,601 he loved Maryland. It was like his favorite state, which… 34 00:01:41,684 --> 00:01:43,353 -[audience cheering] -Well, wh-- 35 00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:45,688 Well, which, you know, is… is a valid response 36 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:49,275 unless you've been to Baltimore, because it too… [breathes sharply] 37 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:52,153 [sneeringly] What the fuck is going on in Baltimore, dude? 38 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:56,699 [inhales] Mar-- Bro, Maryland as a state cannot pick a tone, dawg. 39 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,034 Just pick one-- 40 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,954 It's so beautiful and so ratchet for no reason. 41 00:02:01,037 --> 00:02:02,288 [audience laughing] 42 00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:04,624 Can y'all just pick a tone, man? 43 00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:07,669 All of Maryland. Y'all drive to the beach with your top down 44 00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:10,171 and then go to Baltimore and lock all your doors. 45 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:15,176 You know, no middle ground ever, man. I've only been to Baltimore one time. 46 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:18,513 I ate lunch there, and the hostess, who seats you at the restaurant, 47 00:02:18,596 --> 00:02:19,764 had a black eye. 48 00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,474 [audience laughing] 49 00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:23,977 A full black-- It wasn't like, "What happened?" 50 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:26,104 I… It was pretty obvious what happened. 51 00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:29,983 We couldn't get over the fact, "This is the face of the company?" 52 00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:32,819 Like, "This is… This is who you have greeting people?" 53 00:02:32,902 --> 00:02:36,114 And my boy, who I was with was like, "Yeah, I feel bad for her." 54 00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:39,951 "I feel like they should, you know, put her in the kitchen or something… 55 00:02:40,034 --> 00:02:42,328 where nobody has to see her face, you know." 56 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:45,456 And I was like, "Yeah, but I feel like if she could cook, she wouldn't 57 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,292 have that black eye." 58 00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:49,544 So… [laughing] 59 00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:51,129 [audience laughing] 60 00:02:51,212 --> 00:02:54,132 Testing the water, seeing if y'all are gonna be fun or not. 61 00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:56,050 -Just wanted to see. -[whistling] 62 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,469 Just wanted to see. [chuckles, inhales] 63 00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,763 I figure if we start with domestic violence, 64 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,557 the rest of the show should be… 65 00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:05,643 should be pretty smooth sailing after that. 66 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:08,479 [sighs gently] Yeah, of course, I felt bad for her, man. 67 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:11,858 She should've had her protection crystals, you know what I mean? 68 00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:13,484 [laughing, squealing] 69 00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:15,653 Fellas, we gotta put our foot down, man. 70 00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:18,281 This crystal shit is getting out of control. 71 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:23,161 Ladies, put the fuckin' pebbles down, okay? 72 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:26,915 We are sick and tired of walking into your bedroom 73 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:29,792 looking like we gotta beat you in a game of mancala 74 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,586 before we can sleep with you. 75 00:03:31,669 --> 00:03:34,923 What the fuck is all this gravel doing inside, Thanos? 76 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,135 I swear, the biggest issue with crystal girls 77 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,346 is the fact it's their entire personality, 78 00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:43,473 and they won't shut up about it. 79 00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:47,143 I mean, you even, God forbid, bring it up mid-conversation. 80 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,394 [mimicking woman] Aw! 81 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:51,814 This is my favorite one. 82 00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,483 This is, um… 83 00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:56,861 This is a piece of green Peruvian jade, 84 00:03:56,945 --> 00:04:00,698 and it provides me with, like, strength 85 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:03,451 and… and… and protection 86 00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:05,828 and… and… and… 87 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,038 and no, it doesn't. 88 00:04:07,121 --> 00:04:08,748 [audience laughing] 89 00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:10,250 No, it's not, okay. 90 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:14,379 That's a broken shard of a Heineken bottle that you… [laughs] 91 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:18,633 …that you bought from a white dude with dreadlocks, 92 00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:22,762 who also runs a throat goat yoga class. 93 00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:23,680 Okay? 94 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:27,308 Say what it really is, some bullshit. 95 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:30,270 The only thing it's protecting is me 96 00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:35,108 from dating another girl who's pussy tastes like kombucha. 97 00:04:35,191 --> 00:04:36,025 Okay? 98 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,445 -[audience laughing hysterically] -No more hippie shit. 99 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:41,322 Shower. 100 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:46,286 Maybe get back to using real deodorant? 101 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,497 No more of this organic deodorant shit 102 00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:52,083 that lasts shorter than fuckin' fruit-stripe gum. 103 00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:53,543 Okay? No more. 104 00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:55,753 Y'all remember that garbage? 105 00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:58,256 -[audience] Yeah! -It would last two chews. 106 00:04:58,339 --> 00:05:00,591 That's y'all walking around, two smacks, 107 00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:02,385 stinkin' all over again, dude. 108 00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:05,638 I'm so sick of it, man. [inhales] 109 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:08,641 This hippie shit is gonna be the death of me, I swear. 110 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:13,271 If I hear one more person blame how their life is going on Mercury, 111 00:05:13,354 --> 00:05:14,522 [huffing sharply] 112 00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:16,733 I will kill you myself. Do you understand? 113 00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:20,361 You leave that goddamn planet alone. 114 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:25,950 I'm so tired of you ladies blaming your poor decision-making skills 115 00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:30,413 on planets that don't even know you. 116 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:31,748 [audience laughing] 117 00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:33,249 Get this through your head. 118 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:36,627 Astrology is not this magical life guideline 119 00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:39,505 that… that predetermines your future in the stars. 120 00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:40,757 No, none of that. 121 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,801 Your future is depended by your thoughts, opinions, and actions. 122 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:46,679 You are in complete control of how your future turns out. 123 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,849 It's not up here. It's in here the whole time. It's up to you. 124 00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:51,017 [applauding] 125 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,436 It has nothing to do with the stars, man. 126 00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:56,856 Just because Jupiter has a ring, and you don't, doesn't mean… 127 00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:58,941 [audience laughing hysterically] 128 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,403 …that's who you're supposed to look up to 129 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:04,530 for all this magical advice, man. 130 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,367 And stop trying to explain it so confidently, 131 00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,202 you look stupid every time. 132 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:13,664 It's so-- The girl of your dreams will look you straight in the eyes 133 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:14,957 and say some dumb shit, 134 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,710 like, "Would you even know how the universe works?" 135 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,213 [inhales] No, but tell me, Professor. 136 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:24,884 "There's a planet called Mercury. When it slows its rotation around the sun, 137 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:26,886 it causes retrograde 98 million miles away 138 00:06:26,969 --> 00:06:29,847 and that's why my life is just in absolute shambles." 139 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:33,267 [mimics whimpering] "Like it's literally not even up to me." 140 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:34,185 "Like, 141 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:38,564 it's in the stars and… [hoarsely] …like, we're literally all stardust." 142 00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:39,816 "You know what I mean?" 143 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,860 Yeah, you're gonna die alone. 144 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:44,654 [audience laughing] 145 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:47,949 'Cause you can't take responsibility for your own actions. 146 00:06:48,032 --> 00:06:51,869 Your life isn't in shambles because of a planet in the sky. 147 00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:55,790 It's because you can't live without a vape in your mouth. 148 00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:59,669 And you only fuck guys who need to borrow your car. 149 00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:00,628 Okay? 150 00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:01,963 [cheering, applauding] 151 00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:03,589 -Yeah. -[audience whooing] 152 00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,508 That's why your life is in shambles. 153 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,012 You're worried about Mercury while he crashing your Saturn. 154 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,347 How stupid do you feel? 155 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,433 [cheering, applauding] 156 00:07:15,351 --> 00:07:17,854 Wrong planet, bitch. Guess again. 157 00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:20,898 [hoarsely] Yeah, it's gonna kill me, man. 158 00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:23,609 I feel it's a younger generational thing too, right? 159 00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:25,695 The crystals and astrology and all that. 160 00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:27,655 Which makes sense. 161 00:07:28,364 --> 00:07:31,868 I fuckin' hate young people, dude. I really do. Ah! 162 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,161 [whooing, cheering] 163 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:37,457 Anybody… anybody my age or younger, you don't have anything to offer me, man. 164 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,292 I just-- I-- You're so rude! 165 00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:42,795 Young people are so disrespectful even when they're not trying to be. 166 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:47,300 Like, five months ago, I got a tattoo of John Lennon on the back of my arm, 167 00:07:47,383 --> 00:07:50,970 and it's… it's pretty fuckin' obviously John Lennon. 168 00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:55,308 Like, it's… it's a good tattoo. As soon as I post it on Instagram, everybody was, 169 00:07:55,391 --> 00:07:57,310 "He's a Harry Potter fan?" 170 00:07:57,393 --> 00:08:00,855 I was like, fuck these kids, dude. 171 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:05,067 That is so disrespectful to one of the greatest musicians of all time. 172 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,904 Like, John Lennon got fuckin' Avada Kedavra on his back, 173 00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:09,697 and that's why he's not here. No. 174 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,658 Same glasses, but he's the boy who didn't live. 175 00:08:14,118 --> 00:08:17,371 I know, and if that made you sad, you're my audience. 176 00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:19,665 -Good. I like you a lot. Good. -[applauding] 177 00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:22,460 It also breaks my heart. That's good. [inhales sharply] 178 00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:25,338 God, I hate young people. And there's no middle ground. 179 00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:30,134 I hate young people, and I… [hoarsely] …I fuckin' love 180 00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:32,470 old people. 181 00:08:32,553 --> 00:08:34,847 [audience cheering, whooing, applauding] 182 00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:36,599 Oh my God. 183 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:39,435 It is… it is really an unhealthy obsession. 184 00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:43,564 It is. Oh, bro, I would fuck a grandma in a heartbeat. 185 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:44,732 I really would do it. 186 00:08:45,274 --> 00:08:46,108 I'd do it. 187 00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:49,654 -[woman yells] -You can. 188 00:08:49,737 --> 00:08:52,323 -[laughing] -I don't know if you've done research. 189 00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:55,368 You can fuck as many as you want, and there's no law against it. 190 00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:57,995 As many as you want. As many as you want. 191 00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:00,373 You just gotta be gentle about it. You can't… 192 00:09:00,456 --> 00:09:03,292 You can't choke 'em. You gotta, like, kink their oxygen. 193 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,044 Know what I mean? [laughing] 194 00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:06,629 [laughing, applauding] 195 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,089 Aah, not today. not today. 196 00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:10,841 You're all right. You're fine. 197 00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,635 Walker it off. 198 00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:19,058 Fuck being somebody's first. But somebody's last? That's a flex. 199 00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:20,810 Oh, my goodness. 200 00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:21,727 That's… 201 00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:25,690 That's where I thrive, baby. I'm out here cleanin' it up. 202 00:09:27,024 --> 00:09:28,943 They call me the Trim Reaper, dawg. 203 00:09:29,026 --> 00:09:32,738 I'm just out here snatchin' souls, you know what I mean? 204 00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:37,994 Oh, dude, I do… I love old people so much. 205 00:09:38,619 --> 00:09:41,831 Like, the more an old person is shaped like a candy cane. 206 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:43,791 [laughing hysterically] 207 00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:47,211 [hoarsely] Dude. I love a motherfucker who just… 208 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:49,839 Argh! 209 00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:51,882 He just can't even look up. 210 00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:55,761 Even he doesn't know how much life is ahead of him. 211 00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,221 You know what I mean? Just… 212 00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:01,601 That's the weight of a good life lived, fuckin' up his back, man. Ugh… 213 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:04,520 You old persons gotta have bad posture, man. 214 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,939 That tells you lived your life to the fullest. 215 00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:10,234 If you meet one with good posture, they dodged the draft 100%. 216 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:12,028 You don't have my respect. Sorry. 217 00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:13,487 Oh, man. 218 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:14,989 They gotta have bad pos. 219 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,659 The worst an old person's posture, the better the stories. 220 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:23,539 "How'd you get like that?" Used to be my favorite part about visiting 221 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,250 my great-grandmother at the hospice center she was at 222 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:29,045 for her remaining years when I was a teenager. 223 00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:32,006 She's where they take care of you for your remaining time, 224 00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:35,051 and my mom would drop us off for like three or four hours, 225 00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:37,762 which is great. I wanna spend time with my grandma, 226 00:10:37,845 --> 00:10:39,680 but my grandma also had dementia, 227 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:44,143 so, 25 minutes in, I could be like, "I'm gonna get some more water," 228 00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:46,812 and she'd be, "There's a lot of Blacks." I'm like… 229 00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,522 [audience laughing] 230 00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,733 The--There's more for sure, um… 231 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,153 I could excuse myself and go do my own thing. 232 00:10:54,236 --> 00:10:56,781 It's not that I didn't love her or didn't wanna hang out. 233 00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:59,950 People with dementia can't remember, so there's not a lot to talk about. 234 00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:04,080 And it just so happened the guy, Lenny, in the room right next to her 235 00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:05,498 remembered everything. 236 00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:08,751 This guy was the coolest person I had ever met. 237 00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:11,587 He was 97 and had the coolest life I ever heard of. 238 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,883 He'd tell me story after story after story for hours and hours on end, 239 00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:17,301 and they were captivating. 240 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:21,097 He lived a very full life. He fought in three wars in his lifetime. 241 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,349 He climbed five mountains. 242 00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:24,809 -[cheering] -He, um… 243 00:11:25,309 --> 00:11:28,771 Yeah, he… he told me he fucked Rosa Parks. 244 00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:29,980 [audience laughing] 245 00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:34,151 I know, in the front of the bus. and I was like… 246 00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:36,237 [audience laughing] 247 00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:38,823 I think you have dementia. I don't think… 248 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,826 that happened the way you remembered it. 249 00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:44,203 Wouldn't the back of the bus be more private? 250 00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:47,456 I feel like you could put in some work back there, but well, 251 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,542 that's the cons of being young, I guess. 252 00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,962 You can't fact-check an old person's story. I wasn't there. 253 00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:56,090 I hate being young. I don't know nothin'. I'm 28. 254 00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:58,801 I don't know for sure that Michael Jackson was Black. 255 00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:01,178 [audience laughing] 256 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,180 Y'all keep saying it. I didn't see it. 257 00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:07,476 And every photo I've seen, he was an Asian woman, so I-- 258 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,062 [audience laughing] 259 00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,105 I'll never know. 260 00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:13,858 It frustrates me to no end, man. 261 00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:15,276 I love old people, dude. 262 00:12:15,359 --> 00:12:17,737 I wish my entire audience was like 65 and up. 263 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:18,779 Oh my God. 264 00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:21,657 Yeah. It'd be a much shorter career, but… 265 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,617 [audience laughing] 266 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,995 They take into consideration who they've seen. 267 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,621 I'm kinda flattered, you know. 268 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,624 What I love about old stories, 269 00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:33,169 like hearing Lenny's stories for hours on end 270 00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:36,630 is it inspires me to think about the stories I'm gonna have to tell 271 00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:37,882 when I get to that age. 272 00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:40,926 I hope I live a full life and have fun stories to pass down. 273 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:45,139 I liked hearing about his war stories, his adventures, his family stories. 274 00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:47,767 That excited me the most, to have a family someday. 275 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:50,728 I'm excited to have kids, but not now. 276 00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:53,189 No, not now. Things are going very well, um… 277 00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:54,940 [audience laughing] 278 00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:58,903 I'm also terrified to have kids, man, 'cause I've made fun of a lot of people. 279 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:01,071 [audience laughing] 280 00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,032 And if you believe in karma… 281 00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:05,826 [hisses, grunts heavily] 282 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:09,413 My kid is about to be fucked up, dude. 283 00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:13,876 My kid is about to have five legs and a shark fin on his back. 284 00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:17,505 He is about to be a monstrosity. 285 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,966 [inhales] And I know I'm not mature enough to have that conversation 286 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:24,053 when he's finally, like, "Why am I like this?" 287 00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:27,389 [whines gruntingly] Fuck! 288 00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:29,767 I'm just there, like… 289 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:30,684 [hisses] 290 00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,645 Ugh! 291 00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:35,648 'Cause Daddy's funny. 292 00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:37,358 You know. [chuckles] 293 00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:39,568 I've made a lot of people laugh. 294 00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:41,737 So will you. 295 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,572 [audience laughing] 296 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:44,490 [mumbling] 297 00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:47,201 For different reasons, but you know. 298 00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:49,620 If they pay the admission. 299 00:13:50,412 --> 00:13:51,914 [woman laughing hysterically] 300 00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:55,167 I think it's mainly about timing for me. 301 00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:58,796 I wanna pick the right time to have kids 'cause I… I'm 28, 302 00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:01,841 so realistically, I have all the time in the world, but… 303 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,551 The benefits of being a guy, 304 00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:05,886 we don't have to rush into starting a family. 305 00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:09,557 We can have kids whenever we want, which I don't think is fair to women, 306 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,227 considering women are the ones who literally have to have the baby. 307 00:14:13,727 --> 00:14:17,648 Doesn't make sense you'd have to compete against this biological clock. 308 00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:18,732 It seems messed up. 309 00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:23,153 'Cause for… for women, you can wait till you're older, but the older you get, 310 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:26,073 don't the odds start to go up of your kid being… 311 00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:29,076 [audience laughing] 312 00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:32,288 "…first to lunch," we'll call it. 313 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:34,582 [audience laughing] 314 00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:36,250 Is there a nicer way to say it? 315 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,836 You can groan all you want, 316 00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:42,006 but don't act like 25 minutes before you were allowed to go, 317 00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:45,467 you didn't have to watch them hauling ass down the hallway. 318 00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:48,304 [laughing] You were just like… 319 00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:50,055 Argh! 320 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:51,849 Goddammit. 321 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,978 Naruto is gonna drink up all the spaghetti. 322 00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:56,896 Great. 323 00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,355 [cheering, laughing] 324 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,904 [audience laughing hysterically] 325 00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,614 Not to say it's a bad thing. 326 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:11,869 I… I-- In fact, I actually think it's kinda cool to see the way God works. 327 00:15:12,661 --> 00:15:15,998 If you pay attention, God always finds a way of evening things out. 328 00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:18,500 God always replaces a negative with a positive. 329 00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:22,046 Anytime you see somebody who is born… less fortunate 330 00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:26,133 in a certain aspect, you don't gotta worry 'cause God's gonna bless them 331 00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:29,511 with… with an attribute, a… a quality about themselves, 332 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,221 sometimes even a skill set. 333 00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:33,349 Kinda evens that playin' field a little. 334 00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:38,145 I noticed it first in my nephew, Chase. He's a teenager now, but he's autistic 335 00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:39,063 as fuck, 336 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:43,567 wh-- which is probably not the medical term, but he, um… he… 337 00:15:44,151 --> 00:15:46,278 he got it, for sure. Um… 338 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,865 He's, uh… he's… he's nonverbal. That's his thing. 339 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,701 Unless you're his mom, he won't speak to you, 340 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,995 no eye contact, won't acknowledge you're in the room. 341 00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:56,830 It's pretty rude, but that's… 342 00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:58,248 [audience laughing] 343 00:15:58,332 --> 00:15:59,875 …that's his symptom, you know. 344 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,335 But get this. His blessing… 345 00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:03,837 His blessing is that he can paint. 346 00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:07,967 As a teenager, he paints better than any art teacher I've ever had. 347 00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:11,011 I just think it's cool to see the way God always finds a way 348 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,429 of evenin' things out. 349 00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,223 It's really impressive to me, and… 350 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:16,141 [cheering, applauding] 351 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:18,185 I wish I would've known to look for that sooner. 352 00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:20,479 It might've changed my perspective on things growing up. 353 00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,731 There was a kid, Alex, in our high school. 354 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:26,026 Alex was the same age as me. We entered high school together. 355 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,528 Had gym class together. 356 00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:31,407 He… he was special needs, and he… he had a… 357 00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,576 [sighs heavily] 358 00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:38,706 he… he had a… [hoarsely] …dick on him, man. 359 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:39,957 I don't know… [tuts] 360 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:44,169 I don't know how else to tell y'all that. That boy was… [hoarsely] …blessed, man. 361 00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:47,506 People felt sorry for him. "Fuck that, dude." 362 00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:50,426 "He's been terrorizing us in the locker room the whole semester." 363 00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:51,510 [audience laughing] 364 00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:55,639 Got us all backed up against the lockers. It's like, "Goddamn, Alex!" 365 00:16:56,598 --> 00:16:59,226 That's where the extra chromosome goes? 366 00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:01,395 [audience laughing hysterically] 367 00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:03,439 Good for you, man. [inhales] 368 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:06,025 Until this day, he's the nicest person I've met. 369 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:08,694 I hope he's out there hurting somebody now. Really. 370 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,238 She needs the helmet. 371 00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:15,576 You know, they don't always… They don't always know their own strength. 372 00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:18,746 But he's a good dude. He deserves every inch of it and… 373 00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:20,581 [audience laughing] 374 00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:23,959 Yeah, we used to say he had dick-you-down syndrome. 375 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:24,877 Yeah. 376 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,086 [audience laughing] 377 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,798 Big shout-out to Alex, man. Big shout-out to Alex. 378 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,675 -[woman] Whoo! -Yeah. 379 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:35,888 Short bus, but a long dick, man. And that's… 380 00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:40,059 That's balance. It's what life's all about at the end of the day. 381 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:40,976 Balance. 382 00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:43,020 You can't have everything. 383 00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:46,273 Sometimes, you just funny. 384 00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:48,776 [audience laughing] 385 00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:49,777 [woman] Whoo! 386 00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:55,074 [women squealing hysterically] 387 00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:58,243 [cheering, applauding] 388 00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:00,287 It's fine. 389 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,792 I still fucked him up in dodgeball. 390 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,502 [audience laughing] 391 00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:09,588 Out of pure jealousy. I was like, "You're not even using it." 392 00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:12,007 [audience laughing hysterically] 393 00:18:15,385 --> 00:18:17,346 [exhales sharply] Yeah, but… [sighs] 394 00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,015 God works in mysterious ways, huh? 395 00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:26,063 Know what's funny? I've mentioned God eight times the past two minutes. 396 00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:28,732 I'm really not the most religious person. I'm really not. 397 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:32,152 I hope there's a god. I pray every day that there's a god. 398 00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,822 It'd make a lot of sense, answer a lot of questions. 399 00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:36,448 It's tricky sometimes. 400 00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:39,785 Certain things'll happen, make you question faith a little bit. 401 00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,079 It's hard to pick a religion, man. 402 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:48,085 It's-- I say it's hard to pick a religion, but I… I… I do still wear a cross chain. 403 00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:49,711 -[woman] Yeah. -Yeah. Yeah. 404 00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,130 [audience cheering] 405 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:54,299 But for the same reason you bring a condom on the first date. You know. 406 00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:55,300 [chuckles] 407 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:57,928 I hope I don't gotta use it, but you know. 408 00:18:58,595 --> 00:19:00,305 [hoarsely] Just in case. 409 00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:01,640 [audience laughing] 410 00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:04,810 In case I die, and Jesus is like, "You ain't gettin' in here." 411 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:07,187 "Nah, son, I bought the wristband." 412 00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:09,439 [cheering, applauding] 413 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:12,693 Let me in. 414 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,488 I paid for this meet-and-greet. Where your dad at? 415 00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,574 [audience laughing hysterically] 416 00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:27,332 Yeah, religion is… is just tricky, man. 417 00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:30,335 But I've always respected it. Always respected religion. 418 00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:33,422 Everybody's religion's good. I have the utmost respect for. 419 00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:36,258 It's important for people to have something to believe in. 420 00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:38,468 My ex tried to drive it home pretty heavy. 421 00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:42,764 She was super religious. My ex is one of the most religious people I've met, 422 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:44,308 which is hilarious 423 00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:46,643 'cause she is not getting into heaven, bro. 424 00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:49,479 Not… not a fuckin' chance, man. 425 00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:50,939 Not even as my plus-one. 426 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,774 She's gonna have to chill 427 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:55,736 for a couple centuries outside these gates, man. 428 00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:58,071 She was so religious, 429 00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:01,283 but just… [grinding teeth] …not a good person. 430 00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:03,285 Like, do you know people like that? 431 00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:04,286 [woman] Whoo! 432 00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:08,999 They're so religious that you're like, "You're compensating a little bit." 433 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,753 What kind of Christian wakes up to read the Bible every morning 434 00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:16,506 when last night, all you wanted me to do was lick your butt. Like, wha-- 435 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,008 [audience laughing] 436 00:20:18,091 --> 00:20:20,427 What psalm is that, Jezebel? 437 00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:22,679 [audience laughing] 438 00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:25,891 And how'd you get me to do it? That's the bigger question. 439 00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:29,019 Dude, that's fuckin' disgusting, man. 440 00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:30,938 You don't understand. I don't even eat onions. 441 00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:34,358 I never thought I'd do nothing like that. I don't know what came over me. 442 00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:36,777 I don't know if it was the butt Holy Spirit or what, 443 00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:38,278 but that shit just 444 00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:42,282 had your boy speaking in tongues. You know what I mean? Just… 445 00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:43,492 [rattling tongue] 446 00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:44,868 [audience laughing] 447 00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:47,955 Still broke up. 448 00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:52,000 Did you ever eat someone's ass, then break up. 449 00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:56,171 It's the worst Last Supper ever, dude. 450 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,297 It's just… 451 00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:59,883 [audience laughing, applauding] 452 00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:01,843 It's disgusting. 453 00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:06,014 Tastes like betrayal and pennies. 454 00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:08,100 [laughing hysterically] 455 00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:13,355 But… [sighs deeply] 456 00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:14,940 …it's her religion, you know. 457 00:21:16,858 --> 00:21:19,403 I don't, you know, discredit anybody's beliefs. 458 00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:20,821 I believe in things. 459 00:21:20,904 --> 00:21:24,283 I do have beliefs. They might not be as deep-rooted as religion, 460 00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:27,369 but I do believe in things that affect my life to a severe degree. 461 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,330 Um, for example, I'm… I'm a terrible sleeper. 462 00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:32,916 I… I have terrible, terrible sleep problems, 463 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,962 and part of that is to do with the fact that one of my biggest beliefs 464 00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:39,214 is in ghosts and monsters. 465 00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,508 [audience laughing] 466 00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:44,720 I'm a 28-year-old grown man, and my biggest fear is the dark. 467 00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:46,471 You don't know what's in there. 468 00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:48,348 I'll tell you, ghosts and monsters, 469 00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:51,310 and y'all look ridiculous for not being more concerned about it 470 00:21:51,393 --> 00:21:52,811 on a day-to-day basis, dude. 471 00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:54,646 They're so real. 472 00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:56,773 I'm such a bitch, man. I really am. 473 00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:57,774 I-- 474 00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:00,944 I literally have to sleep with my TV on every single night 475 00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:05,115 'cause I've really convinced myself that if the TV's on, 476 00:22:05,198 --> 00:22:09,453 the ghosts are gonna think I have people over, 477 00:22:09,536 --> 00:22:13,790 so… I'll just be like chiming in to shit that I'm watchin', 478 00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:15,083 just doin' too much. 479 00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:17,044 Just… Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh. 480 00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:21,631 [shouts] That's crazy how much fun we're all having in here. 481 00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:27,137 Just me and 12 of the biggest Black dudes you've ever seen. 482 00:22:27,220 --> 00:22:28,847 [audience laughing] 483 00:22:28,930 --> 00:22:31,183 Hanging out watching Mean Girls. 484 00:22:31,266 --> 00:22:34,895 You know, you gotta… [inhales sharply] …lay down some ground rules. 485 00:22:34,978 --> 00:22:37,314 Gotta let these ghosts know they're not safe in your house. 486 00:22:37,397 --> 00:22:39,524 You squatted up in there. They don't know. 487 00:22:40,108 --> 00:22:42,235 Twelve Black dudes ain't afraid of nothin'. 488 00:22:42,944 --> 00:22:44,863 Except for people dressed like ghosts. 489 00:22:44,946 --> 00:22:48,241 [audience laughing] 490 00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:49,493 Yeah. 491 00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:52,746 I told you all monsters are real. 492 00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:58,794 I just… I… I do not mess with ghosts, man. 493 00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:03,090 You can't even confront 'em 'cause the ironic thing about ghosts 494 00:23:03,173 --> 00:23:07,219 is the more innocent and approachable a ghost should be, the scarier it is. 495 00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:11,515 The ghost of a child. Get the fuck away from me. 496 00:23:11,598 --> 00:23:14,059 [inhales] I don't know if you're a demon 497 00:23:14,142 --> 00:23:17,187 or an Amber Alert, but I want you outta my house right now. 498 00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:20,774 Those are always the scariest ones, just showin' up in your hallways. 499 00:23:20,857 --> 00:23:22,943 [mimicking child] Come play with us. 500 00:23:23,026 --> 00:23:25,028 -[laughing] -They're always British. 501 00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:28,281 All dead kids are British when they're a ghost for no reason. 502 00:23:28,782 --> 00:23:30,951 Little dead British kids always wanna play. 503 00:23:32,285 --> 00:23:35,497 I don't even know what an American kid ghost would say, 504 00:23:36,373 --> 00:23:38,041 but that'd be terrifying to hear. 505 00:23:38,708 --> 00:23:41,128 Can you imagine crawling into bed at 3:00 a.m. and hear, 506 00:23:41,211 --> 00:23:42,963 "I hate this school." 507 00:23:43,046 --> 00:23:45,090 [audience laughing] 508 00:23:46,049 --> 00:23:47,217 [mimicks gun cocking] 509 00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:48,969 [audience laughing hysterically] 510 00:23:56,810 --> 00:23:58,562 Just seeing if y'all are still fun. 511 00:23:58,645 --> 00:24:00,814 Just wanted to see. Just wanted to see. 512 00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:01,940 Just checkin' in. 513 00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:03,984 [sighs] 514 00:24:04,067 --> 00:24:05,026 Ah, dude. 515 00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:07,154 Ghosts are terrifying, man. 516 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,283 The only thing that scares me more than ghosts is monsters, 517 00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:14,119 and I'm… I'm pretty sick of y'all not taking 'em serious. 518 00:24:15,203 --> 00:24:17,414 'Cause they're all over the place, man. 519 00:24:17,497 --> 00:24:19,958 That's the thing about monsters. Nobody knows where they're at. 520 00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:22,544 Everybody has theories as to where they think they hide. 521 00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:26,339 I've… I've heard weird places. I've heard, like, closed shower curtain. 522 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,510 I know people who won't use a restroom unless they open the shower curtain first 523 00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:34,431 to make sure this motherfucker isn't in there lathering up with the 3-in-1. 524 00:24:34,514 --> 00:24:37,767 It turns out he's the one takin' fistfuls of hair against the shower walls 525 00:24:37,851 --> 00:24:38,935 for all those years. 526 00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:40,854 -[audience laughing] -Mmm. 527 00:24:42,063 --> 00:24:43,773 A little skeptical about that one. 528 00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:46,568 Some places make more sense than others. 529 00:24:46,651 --> 00:24:48,945 The closet is a big one. It's pretty standard. 530 00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:50,989 Plenty of people are afraid of a monster comin' out 531 00:24:51,072 --> 00:24:53,325 in the middle of the night just eatin' you up. 532 00:24:54,367 --> 00:24:56,495 That checks out. That's fuckin' terrifyin'. 533 00:24:56,578 --> 00:25:00,081 You can't have a monster comin' outta the closet. That's scary twice. 534 00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:02,250 [exhales] 535 00:25:02,334 --> 00:25:03,418 [audience laughing] 536 00:25:05,754 --> 00:25:09,049 You're tellin' me not only is there a monster in my room 537 00:25:09,549 --> 00:25:12,219 but maybe he's gay? 538 00:25:13,011 --> 00:25:17,224 -[screams loudly] -You said he was gonna eat me up. 539 00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:20,435 You didn't say dick first. You left out so many details. 540 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,521 [audience laughing hysterically] 541 00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:26,274 Now, I've just got this gay darkness roaming around my bedroom? 542 00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:28,735 I'm being haunted by Lil Nas X? 543 00:25:28,818 --> 00:25:30,612 You let me know. You let me know. 544 00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:32,697 [audience laughing hysterically] 545 00:25:35,325 --> 00:25:37,410 I wanna know if the next song's about me. 546 00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:38,620 Mm-hmm, yeah. 547 00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:42,290 Like, why'd he choose my closet, ya know? Like, it's… 548 00:25:43,250 --> 00:25:46,169 That's less scary more flattering. I can get on board with that. 549 00:25:47,337 --> 00:25:48,505 The closet makes sense. 550 00:25:49,130 --> 00:25:52,509 I will say probably the number one spot that's most common 551 00:25:52,592 --> 00:25:55,845 that I was never really afraid of a monster hiding there 552 00:25:55,929 --> 00:25:57,222 was under the bed. 553 00:25:58,014 --> 00:26:01,476 It's one of the more common places, especially when you're a kid. 554 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:05,105 You'd be afraid of a monster's hand comin' up and grabbin' your leg. 555 00:26:06,022 --> 00:26:06,982 Never scared me. 556 00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:10,485 I think because I started masturbating pretty early. 557 00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:11,861 [audience laughing] 558 00:26:11,945 --> 00:26:14,573 So by 11 or 12, I was like, "Hey, huh, 559 00:26:15,532 --> 00:26:17,450 if a hand reach up here." 560 00:26:18,618 --> 00:26:19,786 [Matt chuckling] 561 00:26:19,869 --> 00:26:21,913 He's just helpin'. You know what I mean? 562 00:26:22,789 --> 00:26:24,833 I'm the monster now. 563 00:26:24,916 --> 00:26:27,669 You know, bro. He ain't even built for that, bro. 564 00:26:27,752 --> 00:26:30,714 I would dick my bed demon down, dude. 565 00:26:30,797 --> 00:26:34,009 He's not built for those rounds. He'd be catchin' feelin's, 566 00:26:34,092 --> 00:26:35,510 getting possessive and shit. 567 00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:39,764 He's knockin' on my headboard at 3:00 a.m. He's like, "You up?" 568 00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:40,682 What? 569 00:26:41,308 --> 00:26:44,102 I got school in the morning, dawg. Chill out. Chill. 570 00:26:44,185 --> 00:26:45,020 Goddamn. 571 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,689 [sighs] You're not full? Huh? 572 00:26:47,772 --> 00:26:49,774 [audience laughing] 573 00:26:52,819 --> 00:26:55,030 I didn't think he could fit under there, man. 574 00:26:55,739 --> 00:26:59,534 There's no way there's room for a monster and all those towels under my bed. 575 00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:01,036 You know what I mean? 576 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,455 And if there is one, he is crunchy. 577 00:27:03,538 --> 00:27:04,414 He ain't… 578 00:27:04,914 --> 00:27:07,584 He ain't sneakin' up on nobody. It's way too loud. 579 00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:11,504 [mimicking crunching] 580 00:27:11,588 --> 00:27:14,090 You can hear a semen demon coming from a mile away. 581 00:27:14,174 --> 00:27:15,383 You really can, right? 582 00:27:16,509 --> 00:27:18,178 They ain't got no stealth at all. 583 00:27:20,055 --> 00:27:20,972 It's a damn shame. 584 00:27:24,351 --> 00:27:25,518 [sighs, lips click] 585 00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:26,978 However, 586 00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:30,482 piggybacking off of semen demons… 587 00:27:31,024 --> 00:27:32,359 -The-- -[audience laughing] 588 00:27:32,442 --> 00:27:36,404 There is another monster people are pretty afraid of we should talk about. 589 00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:37,656 Clowns. 590 00:27:37,739 --> 00:27:40,533 -[whooing] -A lot of people don't fuck with clowns. 591 00:27:40,617 --> 00:27:43,703 Even though you've dated a few. That's on you. Still… 592 00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:46,039 Still a respectable fear, I get it. 593 00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:48,750 I… I'm not personally afraid of clowns, but I get it. 594 00:27:48,833 --> 00:27:52,045 I've… I've got four sisters, and they're terrified of clowns. 595 00:27:52,128 --> 00:27:54,214 'Cause when I was about 13 years old, 596 00:27:54,297 --> 00:27:57,384 we all watched the, uh, the original It movies. 597 00:27:58,259 --> 00:28:01,513 For anybody who has no idea, there's a movie called It. 598 00:28:01,596 --> 00:28:03,598 It's… it's based on a Stephen King book. 599 00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:07,811 It's about this killer-demon-monster clown, 600 00:28:07,894 --> 00:28:11,189 who lives in the sewer system, and he comes up through the drains 601 00:28:11,272 --> 00:28:14,484 to, like, eat children. That's the whole movie, him as a monster. 602 00:28:14,567 --> 00:28:16,695 We watched this movie at my grandpa's house, 603 00:28:16,778 --> 00:28:19,572 and it scared my sisters so bad, 604 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:23,076 they didn't shower for three weeks. 605 00:28:23,743 --> 00:28:27,038 That… that's how terrified they were, that he was gonna come up 606 00:28:27,122 --> 00:28:29,833 through the drains and eat them when they were kids. 607 00:28:29,916 --> 00:28:31,918 But they didn't know that by that time… 608 00:28:33,670 --> 00:28:35,922 I had been jerking off in the shower. 609 00:28:36,005 --> 00:28:36,840 So like, 610 00:28:37,340 --> 00:28:39,801 he been eating my children. I figured… 611 00:28:39,884 --> 00:28:40,969 [audience laughing] 612 00:28:41,052 --> 00:28:44,472 I figure we built a good rapport and understanding, you know? 613 00:28:44,556 --> 00:28:47,559 You're not gonna kill the cow when you get the milk for free. 614 00:28:47,642 --> 00:28:50,687 That's just… That's bad Business 101. You know? 615 00:28:50,770 --> 00:28:53,273 His name is Pennywise, but he be eating quarter-loads. 616 00:28:53,356 --> 00:28:55,483 I'll tell ya that much right now. That boy… 617 00:28:56,276 --> 00:28:58,862 That boy eatin' good down there, man. 618 00:28:59,362 --> 00:29:02,282 And they all float. Don't they? Right on top of the water. 619 00:29:03,283 --> 00:29:04,325 Like an oil spill. 620 00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:07,036 [audience laughing] 621 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:08,872 You shouldn't be jerking off in the shower. 622 00:29:08,955 --> 00:29:10,957 That's how you get early onset Candy Cane 623 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,460 'cause you're just hunched over in that hot water. 624 00:29:14,627 --> 00:29:16,838 You're getting molded like a mouthpiece. 625 00:29:18,214 --> 00:29:19,883 It's also a waste of your time 626 00:29:19,966 --> 00:29:23,178 'cause if you miss the drain directly, and it gets somewhere on the tub, 627 00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:26,806 you gotta spend the next 12 minutes just gathering water, like… 628 00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:29,434 [audience laughing hysterically] 629 00:29:35,482 --> 00:29:38,735 It's gotta be a direct hit, or it does no damage at all. And I'm-- 630 00:29:39,402 --> 00:29:43,198 I'm realizing right now, I need more guy fans. That'd help a lot. 631 00:29:44,073 --> 00:29:47,911 If this room was 70% dudes the way it is women, this joke would have been like… 632 00:29:47,994 --> 00:29:50,538 Ahh! 633 00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:52,040 'Cause all the dudes get it 634 00:29:52,123 --> 00:29:54,375 and every girl is like, "Is it a jellyfish?" 635 00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:55,293 Like, what? 636 00:29:55,919 --> 00:29:57,420 Why… why would it stick-- 637 00:29:57,504 --> 00:30:00,507 Kind of, consistency-wise, it's not far off from a jellyfish. 638 00:30:01,382 --> 00:30:03,676 It's disgusting, whatever it is, man. 639 00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:06,429 [snorts] Guys are so gross. 640 00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:10,058 [exhales] Luckily, we're funny on accident. 641 00:30:11,684 --> 00:30:14,771 I think that's what helps us get through the embarrassment of puberty 642 00:30:14,854 --> 00:30:16,773 'cause you ladies would lose your mind 643 00:30:16,856 --> 00:30:19,108 if you really saw how much of a shitshow it is 644 00:30:19,192 --> 00:30:23,071 to be a young man trying to learn how to masturbate proficiently. 645 00:30:23,988 --> 00:30:24,823 Ah, dude. 646 00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:28,117 It's just embarrassing mistake after embarrassing mistake. 647 00:30:28,201 --> 00:30:31,955 I… I mean, I suppose nobody understands the difficulty more than women 648 00:30:32,038 --> 00:30:35,500 'cause how y'all figure out your own little fidget spinner on your own 649 00:30:35,583 --> 00:30:38,670 -[audience laughing] -I'll never understand in a million years. 650 00:30:38,753 --> 00:30:42,382 Y'all are just thrown to the wilderness with no owner's manual or nothing. 651 00:30:42,465 --> 00:30:45,134 Just forced to figure it out for yourself. And you do! 652 00:30:45,218 --> 00:30:48,012 All by yourself, and I'm so proud of each and every one of you. 653 00:30:48,096 --> 00:30:49,013 I really am. 654 00:30:49,597 --> 00:30:50,431 'Cause… 655 00:30:50,515 --> 00:30:52,517 [girls cheering, applauding] 656 00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:58,022 'Cause if you didn't, we never would, literally ever. 657 00:30:59,065 --> 00:31:02,443 You already have to walk us through every step of the way, 658 00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:05,363 and even that's exhausting in the simplest form. 659 00:31:06,906 --> 00:31:07,740 Fellas. 660 00:31:08,408 --> 00:31:13,663 How many times have you fingered a girl for so long 661 00:31:14,664 --> 00:31:16,499 you wake up the next day, like… 662 00:31:17,458 --> 00:31:20,920 Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! 663 00:31:21,004 --> 00:31:23,673 Did I go fuckin' bowling last night? 664 00:31:25,133 --> 00:31:28,803 Did I indoor rock climb for nine hours? 665 00:31:29,596 --> 00:31:32,682 I'm walking around the next day pointing at shit like Spider-Man 666 00:31:32,765 --> 00:31:33,683 'cause I can't… 667 00:31:34,350 --> 00:31:36,686 I can't straighten my tendons anymore. 668 00:31:37,186 --> 00:31:39,480 I can't grip shit the next day. 669 00:31:39,564 --> 00:31:42,609 It's like great. Yeah, you came, and I got cerebral palsy. 670 00:31:42,692 --> 00:31:44,152 Awesome. Yeah, that. 671 00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:50,783 [hoarsely] It hurts, man. You ladies are very strong. Good job. 672 00:31:53,161 --> 00:31:56,080 Women definitely have it harder. There's no argument there. 673 00:31:56,581 --> 00:31:58,750 I think men just have it more embarrassing, 674 00:31:58,833 --> 00:32:01,586 'cause we don't… we don't take anybody's advice. 675 00:32:01,669 --> 00:32:05,298 We only learn via trial and error, and you don't forget those errors. 676 00:32:05,381 --> 00:32:07,342 Every man in this room has been caught… 677 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:10,136 whether you know it or not. 678 00:32:10,219 --> 00:32:12,221 [audience laughing] 679 00:32:12,305 --> 00:32:14,432 You're not as sneaky as you think you are. 680 00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:17,727 And-- That's good, you have to figure out your system. 681 00:32:17,810 --> 00:32:20,063 As an adult man, every guy in this room knows 682 00:32:20,146 --> 00:32:22,106 how to do it, where to do it, when to do it. 683 00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:24,776 How to adjust according to time zones and solstices. 684 00:32:24,859 --> 00:32:27,737 There's a whole… There's a whole rigmarole that goes on, 685 00:32:27,820 --> 00:32:29,864 but we have to figure that out the hard way. 686 00:32:30,573 --> 00:32:33,785 And thank God I never got caught, like, in the act. 687 00:32:33,868 --> 00:32:35,620 I don't know how I would've recovered, 688 00:32:35,703 --> 00:32:39,207 but I do remember getting caught with porn for the first time, 689 00:32:40,249 --> 00:32:41,960 and I was, uh, oh, boy… 690 00:32:42,669 --> 00:32:44,963 [sighs deeply] I… I was 12 years old. 691 00:32:45,505 --> 00:32:48,716 Yeah. In my defense, I wasn't looking for porn when I found it. 692 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,761 I was looking for Christmas presents in my parents' bedroom. 693 00:32:53,137 --> 00:32:55,223 It was middle of December. When I get home from school, 694 00:32:55,306 --> 00:32:58,893 there was always a couple-hour window before my mom would get home from work. 695 00:32:58,977 --> 00:33:02,647 I knew they'd been Christmas shopping, so I broke into their room. 696 00:33:02,730 --> 00:33:05,692 I was snoopin' around. First place I checked was under the bed. 697 00:33:05,775 --> 00:33:07,026 My bed monster was there. 698 00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:09,612 "Oh, you looking for another bitch?" I was like… 699 00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:13,533 "Not now, a different mission. Okay?" Um… 700 00:33:14,867 --> 00:33:15,868 Um… 701 00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:17,620 Closet. 702 00:33:18,746 --> 00:33:20,832 That's where you keep the goods, right? 703 00:33:20,915 --> 00:33:23,209 So I go over to the closet confidently. 704 00:33:23,292 --> 00:33:25,086 Wing it open. [exclaims] 705 00:33:28,423 --> 00:33:29,257 Nothin'. 706 00:33:31,217 --> 00:33:34,929 So I was about to just give up and go back to my room, and I heard a voice. 707 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:38,349 I don't know if it came from in my head or under the bed, but it said, 708 00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:40,727 [whispering] "Check the top shelf." 709 00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:48,151 So I did. 710 00:33:50,153 --> 00:33:53,990 And at first glance, it was a typical top shelf of a parents' closet. 711 00:33:54,073 --> 00:33:56,784 Blankets folded up at the front, some hoodies to the side, 712 00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:59,871 but what caught my eye was a piece of blue cardboard 713 00:33:59,954 --> 00:34:01,664 sticking up from behind the blankets, 714 00:34:01,748 --> 00:34:04,417 so I brought the blankets down, and it revealed this… 715 00:34:05,168 --> 00:34:06,252 this gigantic 716 00:34:07,003 --> 00:34:08,796 Bud Light beer box. 717 00:34:09,756 --> 00:34:13,217 One of the huge cases, like the 64-can count of Bud Light. 718 00:34:13,301 --> 00:34:15,720 You have stepdads? You know what I'm talking about. 719 00:34:16,929 --> 00:34:19,932 Yeah, "That this ain't my real family" case of beer. 720 00:34:21,851 --> 00:34:25,688 But I knew, even at 12 I knew. I was like, "That's not where beer goes." 721 00:34:26,606 --> 00:34:28,775 "I betcha there's presents in there." 722 00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:30,234 And boy was there. 723 00:34:30,318 --> 00:34:32,361 [audience laughing] 724 00:34:32,445 --> 00:34:33,946 Bro, I brought this box down. 725 00:34:34,030 --> 00:34:37,366 It was the biggest box of porn anyone has ever seen. 726 00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:43,122 It was a whole box filled with, like, 40 VHS tapes 727 00:34:43,831 --> 00:34:48,169 that my stepdad had accumulated over his "career," I guess. 728 00:34:48,252 --> 00:34:49,504 And I'm… 729 00:34:49,587 --> 00:34:53,508 I'm just siftin' through 'em. They're labeled different, weird things. 730 00:34:53,591 --> 00:34:56,010 One of them was, like, April 2003, 731 00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:58,638 which was terrifying 'cause that's my mom's name. 732 00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:00,598 [audience laughing] 733 00:35:00,681 --> 00:35:03,267 I was like, "June, July, August better be in here somewhere." 734 00:35:03,351 --> 00:35:04,477 Like this better be… 735 00:35:05,436 --> 00:35:08,397 This better be a time stamp and not therapy forever. 736 00:35:08,481 --> 00:35:12,110 Um… Couldn't risk it, chose a blank one off the top, 737 00:35:12,193 --> 00:35:14,487 put the box and blankets back exactly the way I found them, 738 00:35:14,570 --> 00:35:15,613 ran to my room with it. 739 00:35:15,696 --> 00:35:18,074 I had a VHS player in my room, and I watched it. 740 00:35:18,741 --> 00:35:19,575 A lot. 741 00:35:21,327 --> 00:35:23,538 That first one was for me. Treat yourself. 742 00:35:23,621 --> 00:35:27,750 Yeah. But after that first time, I was really in there taking down notes. 743 00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:31,129 'Cause not a lot of women really know how important 744 00:35:31,212 --> 00:35:33,673 porn is to the learning process of a young man. 745 00:35:33,756 --> 00:35:37,844 'Cause before we see porn, we don't know anything, 746 00:35:37,927 --> 00:35:39,595 and we really pretend like we do, 747 00:35:39,679 --> 00:35:43,015 so this is a bombshell of new information to try to absorb. 748 00:35:43,099 --> 00:35:46,185 It's very confusing. When you're that young and inexperienced, 749 00:35:46,769 --> 00:35:49,021 you have no idea that porn 750 00:35:49,689 --> 00:35:51,274 is not real sex. 751 00:35:51,941 --> 00:35:55,236 At that age, you can't even fathom that those are two different things. 752 00:35:55,319 --> 00:35:56,654 After I watched this one movie, 753 00:35:56,737 --> 00:35:59,407 I thought you could only have sex with five other people. 754 00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:01,450 [audience laughing hysterically] 755 00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:04,328 I thought all sex was gang bangs. I was like, "Huh?" 756 00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,581 I need more and better friends. 757 00:36:06,664 --> 00:36:08,291 [audience laughing] 758 00:36:08,374 --> 00:36:09,500 Not Alex. 759 00:36:14,922 --> 00:36:17,175 It's also a lot of positive information we do need 760 00:36:17,258 --> 00:36:20,052 'cause we're so stupid and so confident at that age. 761 00:36:20,136 --> 00:36:21,846 You ever talked to a middle school boy? 762 00:36:21,929 --> 00:36:25,433 We're all like, "I fucked 100 girls last recess, bro." 763 00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:27,643 "You're a virgin." 764 00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:30,938 And then, we'll finally see porn a year later, and we're like, 765 00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:32,565 "Oh shit!" 766 00:36:33,357 --> 00:36:36,652 "Pussy is so much lower than I thought it was." 767 00:36:36,736 --> 00:36:38,112 [audience laughing] 768 00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:42,116 But before we see porn, every boy thinks a pussy is right here. 769 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,034 [mumbling] 770 00:36:43,117 --> 00:36:46,495 We think we walk dick-first into your belly button, and that's just… 771 00:36:47,121 --> 00:36:49,498 That's what doing sex is. You know what I mean? 772 00:36:50,374 --> 00:36:51,918 You hope she got an innie. 773 00:36:52,001 --> 00:36:54,003 [audience laughing] 774 00:36:57,340 --> 00:37:00,593 So it's… it's a lot of new information to try to digest, you know? 775 00:37:00,676 --> 00:37:02,345 I'm enjoyin' myself. I'm excited. 776 00:37:02,428 --> 00:37:05,765 Can't wait to go to school. Tell my friends. I know I'mma be the man. 777 00:37:06,349 --> 00:37:08,184 But because I was so caught up, 778 00:37:08,267 --> 00:37:10,186 I made the biggest rookie mistake. 779 00:37:10,269 --> 00:37:14,482 I… I… I didn't even think… to… put it back. 780 00:37:15,733 --> 00:37:19,070 I put the box and blankets back, but I was like, "He's got plenty." 781 00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:22,156 There's no way he's gonna notice one missing, right? 782 00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:23,074 Wrong. 783 00:37:23,157 --> 00:37:25,409 [audience laughing] 784 00:37:25,493 --> 00:37:27,620 The same night, dude, around 11:00 p.m. 785 00:37:27,703 --> 00:37:29,830 I didn't even get this tape for 24 hours. 786 00:37:30,957 --> 00:37:33,376 I'm in my room, packing up for school the next day. 787 00:37:33,459 --> 00:37:37,588 Backpack's full, I'm crawling in bed. I'm fuckin' exhausted. 788 00:37:41,550 --> 00:37:43,177 From all the notes. 789 00:37:45,054 --> 00:37:47,265 And I'm nice and cozy under the sheets, 790 00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:48,641 comfy under the covers, 791 00:37:48,724 --> 00:37:52,645 and I hear my stepdad come home from working his late-night shift. 792 00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:56,023 The sounds in the house were routine every single night. 793 00:37:56,107 --> 00:37:58,484 I could paint the picture and see what he was doing 794 00:37:58,567 --> 00:38:00,069 without seeing what he was doing. 795 00:38:00,152 --> 00:38:01,779 All the sounds are the same every night. 796 00:38:01,862 --> 00:38:04,991 You'd hear him come through the garage into the kitchen, crack a beer, 797 00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:06,826 come through the living room into the bedroom, 798 00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:10,204 where you hear him turn on the shower and get outta his work clothes. 799 00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:11,414 Just like every night. 800 00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:13,332 Only this night, 801 00:38:14,166 --> 00:38:15,501 I hear him crack the beer, 802 00:38:16,210 --> 00:38:18,546 come through the living room into the bedroom… 803 00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:21,382 no shower. 804 00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:25,761 Just like 20-25 seconds of silence. 805 00:38:27,013 --> 00:38:28,139 And then, I hear 806 00:38:28,723 --> 00:38:30,349 throughout the house… 807 00:38:32,435 --> 00:38:33,686 [shouts] "What the fuck?" 808 00:38:34,895 --> 00:38:36,897 [audience laughing, applauding] 809 00:38:42,862 --> 00:38:45,823 I'm in my room, like, "That could be anything." 810 00:38:48,534 --> 00:38:50,536 I hope my mom's cheating in there. 811 00:38:50,619 --> 00:38:52,371 [audience laughing hysterically] 812 00:38:52,455 --> 00:38:55,124 I hope he walked in on five other people in his house. 813 00:38:58,127 --> 00:39:02,256 Because that exclamation was followed by another two minutes 814 00:39:03,007 --> 00:39:04,592 of just silence. 815 00:39:05,634 --> 00:39:08,804 So I'm… I'm in my room, like, "What the fuck is going on?" 816 00:39:10,556 --> 00:39:12,641 Because then, I hear the footsteps again. 817 00:39:15,895 --> 00:39:18,606 They're getting closer and heavier. 818 00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:22,068 I'm sweating and hard, a terrifying combination at that age. 819 00:39:24,445 --> 00:39:28,115 It was the first time in my life I hoped mysterious footsteps was a ghost… 820 00:39:28,199 --> 00:39:29,533 [audience laughing] 821 00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:33,162 …preferably the ghost of my real dad, so this wasn't about to happen. 822 00:39:34,163 --> 00:39:35,956 I knew he was gonna whoop my ass. 823 00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:38,501 I knew I was in trouble. My bed monster was holdin' my hand. 824 00:39:38,584 --> 00:39:40,711 I'm like, "Not right now. Chill, chill." 825 00:39:41,420 --> 00:39:43,089 "Maybe after. We'll see how this goes." 826 00:39:43,172 --> 00:39:44,006 Um… 827 00:39:44,965 --> 00:39:47,343 The footsteps stop at my bedroom door. 828 00:39:48,803 --> 00:39:50,805 [silently] I'm like, "Fuck!" 829 00:39:51,639 --> 00:39:53,516 The door creaks open, 830 00:39:53,599 --> 00:39:54,683 [mimicking creaking] 831 00:39:56,352 --> 00:39:58,896 and my stepdad leans in, 832 00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,857 and all he says is… 833 00:40:03,484 --> 00:40:05,444 [hoarsely] "I'm missing something." 834 00:40:05,528 --> 00:40:07,530 [audience laughing] 835 00:40:07,613 --> 00:40:09,615 [applauding] 836 00:40:13,369 --> 00:40:14,995 "I know you know 837 00:40:16,664 --> 00:40:17,748 what I know, 838 00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:22,002 and when I get home from work tomorrow, 839 00:40:23,003 --> 00:40:24,672 I want it back 840 00:40:26,173 --> 00:40:27,883 and rewound." 841 00:40:27,967 --> 00:40:31,137 [audience laughing hysterically] 842 00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:33,097 [audience cheering, applauding] 843 00:40:39,937 --> 00:40:42,565 I was like, "To the beginning or where you finished?" 844 00:40:42,648 --> 00:40:44,400 [mumbles] 845 00:40:44,984 --> 00:40:47,653 We gotta come up with some kind of time system now. 846 00:40:47,736 --> 00:40:49,947 This… this is our collection now, okay? 847 00:40:51,157 --> 00:40:52,658 He was like, "You wanna be grounded?" 848 00:40:52,741 --> 00:40:55,578 "Gonna keep me in my room with this movie? I guess, lock me up." 849 00:40:55,661 --> 00:40:56,537 Know what I mean? 850 00:40:56,620 --> 00:40:58,080 All summer, baby. I'm good. 851 00:40:59,290 --> 00:41:01,584 It was a real turning point in he and I's relationship 852 00:41:01,667 --> 00:41:04,378 'cause we hated each other, we had nothing in common, 853 00:41:04,462 --> 00:41:06,589 but… but we… we finally had a thing. 854 00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:09,842 You know, I… I finally had leverage for once. 855 00:41:09,925 --> 00:41:13,429 We couldn't snitch on the other person without losing everything. It was nice. 856 00:41:13,512 --> 00:41:17,057 You could either beat me or your dick. You ain't gonna do both, okay. 857 00:41:18,767 --> 00:41:19,602 Deal? 858 00:41:20,352 --> 00:41:21,187 Deal? 859 00:41:21,270 --> 00:41:23,272 [audience laughing hysterically] 860 00:41:23,355 --> 00:41:24,732 [cheering, applauding] 861 00:41:29,778 --> 00:41:31,947 That's how we bonded. You know? It was nice. 862 00:41:33,324 --> 00:41:34,200 [gently] Oh, man. 863 00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:38,704 [squealing] 864 00:41:38,787 --> 00:41:39,622 [Matt sniffs] 865 00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:42,625 Yeah. That was a good bonding experience, man. 866 00:41:44,668 --> 00:41:46,879 Then, the Internet had to come and ruin everythin'. 867 00:41:47,963 --> 00:41:51,383 I like Internet porn, but you can't bond with your family anymore. 868 00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:55,304 I hate the Internet. I really do. 869 00:41:56,055 --> 00:41:58,182 Social media… I can't stand social media, 870 00:41:58,265 --> 00:42:01,727 which I know is crazy for y'all to hear 'cause it's why you're all here. 871 00:42:03,229 --> 00:42:06,106 That's a fun fact for you to know. I hate social media. 872 00:42:06,190 --> 00:42:09,276 I never wanted to do it. I put it off for years. I can't stand it. 873 00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:12,571 I think social media is awful, such a negative, toxic place. 874 00:42:12,655 --> 00:42:15,866 It's full of horrible people saying horrible things all the time. 875 00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:18,327 It's the worst place to never exist, man. 876 00:42:18,410 --> 00:42:20,246 [audience cheering, whooing] 877 00:42:20,329 --> 00:42:21,705 [applauding] 878 00:42:21,789 --> 00:42:23,541 It's awful what people say, 879 00:42:23,624 --> 00:42:26,335 these… these… these people, these… trolls. 880 00:42:26,877 --> 00:42:27,836 [inhales deeply] 881 00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:29,463 It's a bunch of fuckin' losers 882 00:42:30,381 --> 00:42:32,258 with no friends and no life, 883 00:42:32,841 --> 00:42:34,218 and no profile picture. 884 00:42:34,301 --> 00:42:36,220 [audience laughing] 885 00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:39,223 Sit at home all day trying to… [sneeringly] …cancel people, 886 00:42:39,306 --> 00:42:43,018 or say mean comments 'cause their life sucks so fuckin' bad 887 00:42:43,102 --> 00:42:45,771 they can't possibly imagine a life of misery by themselves. 888 00:42:45,854 --> 00:42:48,857 They have to try to drag other people down by leaving mean comments 889 00:42:48,941 --> 00:42:50,317 and saying rude stuff. 890 00:42:51,944 --> 00:42:55,155 [exhales] I respond every time. Every time, dude. I… 891 00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:56,407 I can't not! 892 00:42:56,490 --> 00:42:58,450 I can't-- I cannot fathom a reality 893 00:42:58,534 --> 00:43:01,120 where people can talk to you as disrespectful as they want 894 00:43:01,203 --> 00:43:03,539 without facing any physical consequences. 895 00:43:03,622 --> 00:43:06,292 That drives me absolutely insane, man. 896 00:43:06,375 --> 00:43:07,209 And I know-- 897 00:43:07,293 --> 00:43:09,295 -[audience cheering, applauding] -I-- 898 00:43:10,129 --> 00:43:13,173 I know… I… I know as a… [sneeringly] "…public figure," 899 00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:17,595 I'm supposed to be, like, the bigger person and take the high road, 900 00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:20,347 but fuckin' kill yourself, dude. I… 901 00:43:21,473 --> 00:43:24,351 That goes for any Internet shit talker out there, man. 902 00:43:24,435 --> 00:43:26,770 And I know that's a harsh thing to say to somebody, 903 00:43:26,854 --> 00:43:29,231 but the way I see it, nobody who's a good person 904 00:43:29,315 --> 00:43:32,484 and actually contributes anything positive to society 905 00:43:32,568 --> 00:43:35,446 is ever gonna go out of their way to leave a negative comment 906 00:43:35,529 --> 00:43:38,407 under something you've been so brave as to create and share with the world, 907 00:43:38,490 --> 00:43:40,659 and we just don't need people like that around. 908 00:43:40,743 --> 00:43:42,911 -Sorry. -[audience cheering, applauding] 909 00:43:46,123 --> 00:43:50,586 It's just insane the lengths people will go to talk shit on the Internet, man. 910 00:43:51,086 --> 00:43:54,923 Earlier this year, we were flying from Los Angeles up to Vancouver, Canada 911 00:43:55,007 --> 00:43:56,383 for a comedy festival. 912 00:43:56,467 --> 00:43:59,970 I had one show, one night. It was a 36-hour trip. Real quick, in and out. 913 00:44:00,054 --> 00:44:01,722 Right? Head to the airport. 914 00:44:01,805 --> 00:44:04,224 The only thing I've brought with me was my backpack, 915 00:44:04,308 --> 00:44:07,061 which you'd think would be ideal except for it's an inconvenience 916 00:44:07,144 --> 00:44:08,729 as soon as you get to the airport 917 00:44:08,812 --> 00:44:11,940 'cause TSA doesn't know where the fuck a backpack goes, 918 00:44:12,024 --> 00:44:16,320 and they change the rules every day and then treat you like you're an idiot 919 00:44:16,403 --> 00:44:18,530 for not knowing their made-up set of rules. 920 00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:22,159 This specific occasion, I get through TSA, 921 00:44:22,242 --> 00:44:23,744 little to no issues. 922 00:44:23,827 --> 00:44:25,954 They don't have to pull the bag aside. 923 00:44:26,038 --> 00:44:28,248 Now, I'm heading to the gate, heading to the plane. 924 00:44:28,332 --> 00:44:30,292 I'm actually pretty excited about the flight 925 00:44:30,376 --> 00:44:33,003 'cause it's not that long, and I know I have a window seat, 926 00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:35,589 which is inarguably the best seat on the plane. 927 00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:39,385 -[audience cheering] -Yeah. Yeah, until the end of the flight. 928 00:44:41,178 --> 00:44:44,223 'Cause you know how they come by to let you know they're about to land? 929 00:44:46,058 --> 00:44:48,435 Fifty-five minutes before they're about to land. 930 00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:50,229 [audience laughing] 931 00:44:50,312 --> 00:44:51,271 And they will… 932 00:44:51,355 --> 00:44:54,274 [laughs] And they will wake you up from your window slumber 933 00:44:54,358 --> 00:44:56,068 just to say some stupid shit like, 934 00:44:56,151 --> 00:44:58,612 [sneeringly] "I need you to put your window shade 935 00:44:58,696 --> 00:45:00,698 all the way up for landing." 936 00:45:01,198 --> 00:45:04,827 Like this motherfucker checking his blind spot in 28F. 937 00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:06,787 [audience laughing] 938 00:45:12,459 --> 00:45:13,460 [exhales] 939 00:45:14,211 --> 00:45:17,798 So, I'm at least looking forward to gettin' a little nap on the flight. 940 00:45:17,881 --> 00:45:20,175 So we're boarding the plane. It's a smaller plane, 941 00:45:20,259 --> 00:45:21,677 one you've all been on, 942 00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:25,305 where the overhead bins are so small they make you gate-check all your luggage. 943 00:45:25,389 --> 00:45:27,391 So I lucked out just having the backpack 944 00:45:27,474 --> 00:45:31,311 'cause even if the bag did fit in the bin, which it didn't. Too small. 945 00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:34,022 Everybody knows your backpack goes under the seat in front. 946 00:45:34,106 --> 00:45:36,734 I know that, you know that. I do it six times a week. 947 00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:39,445 So I'm settlin' into the seat, putting the bag under, 948 00:45:39,528 --> 00:45:40,904 and I had made a small mistake. 949 00:45:40,988 --> 00:45:43,615 I… I had overpacked the bag by just a little bit. 950 00:45:44,199 --> 00:45:47,077 So it only fit, like, 75% under the seat in front of me. 951 00:45:47,161 --> 00:45:49,621 So I'm feelin' it out and I'm like, you know what? 952 00:45:50,122 --> 00:45:52,624 I'll have more room and be more comfortable 953 00:45:52,708 --> 00:45:55,544 if I put my bag underneath my legs this way. 954 00:45:55,627 --> 00:45:57,171 So much more room. 955 00:45:57,254 --> 00:45:59,339 I… I… I could still mermaid a little bit. 956 00:46:00,632 --> 00:46:02,801 Problem solved. Now, I'm sitting back relaxing, 957 00:46:02,885 --> 00:46:06,013 waiting to see who's gonna sit next to me 'cause who sits next to you 958 00:46:06,096 --> 00:46:08,932 plays a huge impact on your flight experience, right? 959 00:46:09,016 --> 00:46:11,018 I get fucked immediately. 960 00:46:12,352 --> 00:46:14,605 Dude, right behind me in the boarding process, 961 00:46:14,688 --> 00:46:17,649 here comes two of the worst possible passengers to sit next to. 962 00:46:17,733 --> 00:46:22,446 Beside me in the middle seat, is a three-year-old boy who-- 963 00:46:22,529 --> 00:46:25,824 Yeah, as soon as he sits down, is on his three-year-old… 964 00:46:26,700 --> 00:46:31,705 [whimpering] 965 00:46:31,789 --> 00:46:34,082 I'm just like, man. 966 00:46:34,166 --> 00:46:36,794 I will cave this motherfucker's sternum in. 967 00:46:36,877 --> 00:46:37,711 Okay? 968 00:46:38,670 --> 00:46:40,297 I bet it's still soft. 969 00:46:40,380 --> 00:46:42,090 [audience laughing] 970 00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:44,259 And… I'm pissed off. 971 00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:47,930 Not at the crying. Your baby crying on a plane doesn't even bother me. 972 00:46:48,013 --> 00:46:50,724 I know you can't control that, but what you can control 973 00:46:50,808 --> 00:46:53,435 is the physicality of your child. 974 00:46:53,519 --> 00:46:56,021 'Cause for the rest of this 30-minute boarding process, 975 00:46:56,104 --> 00:46:59,817 this kid would not get his hand 976 00:47:00,651 --> 00:47:02,820 this far away from my face. 977 00:47:02,903 --> 00:47:03,737 Just… 978 00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:06,073 [whining] 979 00:47:06,156 --> 00:47:08,492 And I'm doing all the polite things to get him away. 980 00:47:08,575 --> 00:47:11,954 I'm like, "Okay, but… [roars] Okay, all right. Probably…" [rattles] 981 00:47:12,037 --> 00:47:14,581 "Probably enough. Somebody can break this up?" 982 00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:17,668 I'm doing all the things to let the dad know 983 00:47:17,751 --> 00:47:20,921 this isn't okay, and he's not paying attention. 984 00:47:21,004 --> 00:47:23,131 I was this close to leaning over to the dad 985 00:47:23,215 --> 00:47:24,383 and being like, "Hey!" 986 00:47:25,217 --> 00:47:28,846 "You mind getting your sexy-ass kid away from me." 987 00:47:28,929 --> 00:47:30,931 [audience laughing hysterically] 988 00:47:38,438 --> 00:47:40,399 Yeah. I know that's gross. 989 00:47:41,024 --> 00:47:42,568 But what do I gotta do 990 00:47:43,694 --> 00:47:47,573 to get your attention to let you know this is inappropriate. 991 00:47:47,656 --> 00:47:49,116 What's going on over here? 992 00:47:50,617 --> 00:47:52,619 The dad could not have been more incompetent. 993 00:47:52,703 --> 00:47:55,831 He was in the aisle seat watching shit on his iPad, 994 00:47:55,914 --> 00:47:57,457 and the… the dad was… 995 00:47:58,208 --> 00:48:00,752 [exhales] No disrespect, just an accurate detail 996 00:48:00,836 --> 00:48:05,632 to the story, but the dad was no less than I'd… I'd say 425 pounds. 997 00:48:05,716 --> 00:48:07,885 Like, he… he was a big dude. 998 00:48:07,968 --> 00:48:10,387 If I had to piss on this flight, it was gonna be in my seat, 999 00:48:10,470 --> 00:48:13,181 which I fully accepted. It's… it's fine. 1000 00:48:13,807 --> 00:48:16,935 So I'm just… [exhales] …trying to keep my composure. 1001 00:48:17,019 --> 00:48:19,396 We're departing from the gate, heading towards the runway, 1002 00:48:19,479 --> 00:48:22,357 and the flight attendant's making her rounds up and down, 1003 00:48:22,441 --> 00:48:25,444 make sure everyone's buckled in, and she stopped at my row. 1004 00:48:25,986 --> 00:48:29,281 She saw my bag under my legs, and she goes, 1005 00:48:29,364 --> 00:48:30,198 "Uh-huh." 1006 00:48:31,658 --> 00:48:32,492 "Sir, 1007 00:48:33,076 --> 00:48:36,121 I'm gonna need you to put your bag under the seat in front of you." 1008 00:48:36,204 --> 00:48:37,539 I said, "Ahh." 1009 00:48:39,207 --> 00:48:41,126 "Doesn't fit, but it's okay." 1010 00:48:41,710 --> 00:48:42,544 "Look." 1011 00:48:42,628 --> 00:48:44,087 [audience laughing] 1012 00:48:44,171 --> 00:48:46,256 "Still got plenty of space, super comfortable." 1013 00:48:46,340 --> 00:48:48,133 "I wouldn't even worry about it. Thank you." 1014 00:48:48,216 --> 00:48:50,302 And she goes, "It's not okay." 1015 00:48:51,053 --> 00:48:52,846 "Put your bag under the seat in front of you, 1016 00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:56,308 or I will check it where you can go get it at baggage claim." 1017 00:48:58,352 --> 00:49:00,520 I s-- I said, "It… it doesn't fit, 1018 00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:04,107 and… we've already departed." 1019 00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:08,320 "What do you wanna do?" 1020 00:49:09,738 --> 00:49:11,823 And she said, "I don't know, 1021 00:49:11,907 --> 00:49:14,242 not my bag, not my problem." 1022 00:49:17,287 --> 00:49:20,415 I said, "You're not gonna speak to me like this is Spirit Airlines, okay?" 1023 00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:22,292 [audience laughing] 1024 00:49:22,876 --> 00:49:24,378 "I am an American 1025 00:49:25,420 --> 00:49:28,256 Platinum Rewards Executive Pro member." 1026 00:49:28,340 --> 00:49:29,299 "Okay?" 1027 00:49:29,383 --> 00:49:32,928 "And I have enough miles for us to speak like adults 1028 00:49:33,011 --> 00:49:36,098 and agree that we both know that's a stupid rule." 1029 00:49:36,181 --> 00:49:37,599 "It's not affecting anything." 1030 00:49:38,183 --> 00:49:39,017 "Look." 1031 00:49:39,101 --> 00:49:40,936 [audience laughing] 1032 00:49:41,019 --> 00:49:43,438 "Let's just drop it and move on with the flight." 1033 00:49:44,022 --> 00:49:47,442 She goes, "It's not a stupid rule. It's impeding your exit." 1034 00:49:47,526 --> 00:49:48,360 I said, "Oh." 1035 00:49:49,403 --> 00:49:50,237 "For real?" 1036 00:49:52,364 --> 00:49:55,242 "Trapped. First one off is bitch." 1037 00:49:55,325 --> 00:49:57,786 [audience laughing] 1038 00:49:57,869 --> 00:49:59,955 "I promise you it's okay." 1039 00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:02,416 "It's not okay. If there's an emergency, 1040 00:50:02,499 --> 00:50:05,419 you need to be able to get off as quickly as possible." 1041 00:50:05,502 --> 00:50:06,837 I said, "Hey, 1042 00:50:07,462 --> 00:50:10,382 what do you think's impeding my exit more?" 1043 00:50:12,050 --> 00:50:14,261 "My bag 1044 00:50:14,344 --> 00:50:17,222 or fuckin' Timon and Pumbaa… 1045 00:50:17,305 --> 00:50:18,724 [shouts] …right next to me." 1046 00:50:18,807 --> 00:50:20,976 [audience cheering, whooing] 1047 00:50:21,059 --> 00:50:23,061 [applauding, whistling] 1048 00:50:28,734 --> 00:50:29,568 "Huh?" 1049 00:50:30,652 --> 00:50:32,988 Even the baby was like… "Ahh!" And I was like, 1050 00:50:34,031 --> 00:50:36,742 You're pissing off this sexy-ass baby, man. 1051 00:50:36,825 --> 00:50:38,827 [audience laughing] 1052 00:50:45,083 --> 00:50:46,376 So now… [exhales sharply] 1053 00:50:47,419 --> 00:50:51,298 believe it or not, now is when the trouble actually begins. 1054 00:50:52,799 --> 00:50:53,717 I'm on the plane, 1055 00:50:54,676 --> 00:50:55,761 I'm pissed off, 1056 00:50:56,845 --> 00:50:57,929 and I've got Wi-Fi. 1057 00:51:00,182 --> 00:51:01,016 [Matt sighs] 1058 00:51:01,099 --> 00:51:02,726 So, like an idiot, 1059 00:51:02,809 --> 00:51:05,228 as soon as I get service, I get on Twitter, 1060 00:51:05,312 --> 00:51:07,272 and I tweet about what I just went through. 1061 00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:11,693 Basically, all I tweeted was just stating that I thought this was a ridiculous rule 1062 00:51:11,777 --> 00:51:15,238 for her to threaten to check my bag and add this very inconvenient process 1063 00:51:15,322 --> 00:51:16,948 to my very quick in-and-out trip 1064 00:51:17,032 --> 00:51:19,367 when it wasn't affecting anybody or anything. 1065 00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:21,411 That's all I tweeted. 1066 00:51:22,329 --> 00:51:24,039 And, man. 1067 00:51:25,749 --> 00:51:28,585 I didn't know that Twitter is 1068 00:51:29,419 --> 00:51:34,966 all… [changing pitch] 1069 00:51:35,050 --> 00:51:36,676 …flight attendants, all of them. 1070 00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:39,513 -[audience laughing] -Every single one of them. 1071 00:51:39,596 --> 00:51:41,932 Everybody on Twitter knows every airplane rule, 1072 00:51:42,015 --> 00:51:45,102 and they give the most amount of fucks about them, apparently. 1073 00:51:45,185 --> 00:51:48,522 Dude, hundreds, on hundreds, 1074 00:51:48,605 --> 00:51:50,190 on hundreds 1075 00:51:50,273 --> 00:51:54,111 of strangers start filling my timeline with the angriest tweets, 1076 00:51:54,194 --> 00:51:56,154 furious at my stance on the situation. 1077 00:51:56,238 --> 00:51:59,533 And the dumb general consensus they would say was shit, like… 1078 00:51:59,616 --> 00:52:03,411 [sneeringly] "How hard could it be to just follow the rules?" 1079 00:52:07,374 --> 00:52:08,708 Here's the thing. [sighs] 1080 00:52:10,127 --> 00:52:11,419 I understand rules. 1081 00:52:12,129 --> 00:52:14,422 I understand why safety precautions are set 1082 00:52:14,506 --> 00:52:15,674 to keep everybody safe. 1083 00:52:15,757 --> 00:52:16,925 Obviously, I get that. 1084 00:52:17,008 --> 00:52:17,968 But also, 1085 00:52:18,718 --> 00:52:20,595 use your fuckin' brain, right? 1086 00:52:21,304 --> 00:52:24,641 For example, I understand that the speed limit on most freeways, 1087 00:52:24,724 --> 00:52:26,476 and it varies from city to city, 1088 00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:29,855 but on average, it's about 65 miles per hour. 1089 00:52:29,938 --> 00:52:33,275 I totally understand and respect that is the designated, 1090 00:52:34,109 --> 00:52:35,777 suggested speed 1091 00:52:37,028 --> 00:52:38,572 for us citizens to follow 1092 00:52:38,655 --> 00:52:41,992 to keep traffic moving at an appropriate pace. I get that. 1093 00:52:42,784 --> 00:52:43,785 But also, 1094 00:52:44,911 --> 00:52:46,955 if you for real 1095 00:52:47,998 --> 00:52:52,252 drive 65 miles per hour 1096 00:52:52,752 --> 00:52:54,421 on the freeway, 1097 00:52:55,505 --> 00:52:57,757 I will fuckin' kill you, do you understand? 1098 00:52:57,841 --> 00:52:59,968 -[audience cheering, applauding] -Ha! 1099 00:53:02,262 --> 00:53:04,598 Drive faster, pussy. 1100 00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:05,765 [audience laughing] 1101 00:53:06,349 --> 00:53:10,103 Use your instincts to go, "You know what? I can open this bitch up 1102 00:53:10,187 --> 00:53:13,440 to 80 like an adult 1103 00:53:13,523 --> 00:53:15,192 and keep this shit moving." 1104 00:53:15,275 --> 00:53:16,860 Right? You use… 1105 00:53:17,527 --> 00:53:19,946 You use your instincts to navigate rules, right? 1106 00:53:20,030 --> 00:53:22,490 That's how I felt about the plane situation. 1107 00:53:22,574 --> 00:53:25,368 I know what the bag rule is, everybody does, 1108 00:53:25,452 --> 00:53:27,078 but it's not affecting anybody 1109 00:53:27,162 --> 00:53:29,372 so how about we chill the fuck out about it? 1110 00:53:30,540 --> 00:53:31,374 [shouts] Nope. 1111 00:53:31,958 --> 00:53:35,795 Instead, I argue with 700 strangers for eight hours, dude. 1112 00:53:36,296 --> 00:53:39,841 Oh, and we're twerkling back and forth and back and forth. 1113 00:53:39,925 --> 00:53:43,053 And-- The best part about arguing with people on the Internet 1114 00:53:43,136 --> 00:53:45,430 about something you've personally experienced, 1115 00:53:45,513 --> 00:53:50,894 is that they weren't there to witness any of the details of the account, right? 1116 00:53:50,977 --> 00:53:54,940 They only know what you've told them and what they wanna assume. 1117 00:53:55,023 --> 00:53:57,234 So, very quickly after you start arguing, 1118 00:53:57,317 --> 00:54:00,612 people will just start throwing out their own wild scenarios 1119 00:54:00,695 --> 00:54:03,406 that have nothing to do with what you're even talking about 1120 00:54:03,490 --> 00:54:05,158 just so they seem justified. 1121 00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:07,535 I just didn't wanna check my bag, 1122 00:54:07,619 --> 00:54:10,664 and people were saying things like, "It's not about your safety." 1123 00:54:10,747 --> 00:54:12,457 "It's about the safety of people around you." 1124 00:54:12,540 --> 00:54:15,252 "What if there's an emergency crash landing into a mountain, 1125 00:54:15,335 --> 00:54:16,878 and during the evacuation…" 1126 00:54:17,879 --> 00:54:20,090 "Say it again slower for yourself. Go ahead." 1127 00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:24,344 "You think we're gonna survive the crash?" 1128 00:54:25,345 --> 00:54:26,846 "Into the mountain?" 1129 00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:30,892 And they have an argument for everything. "But what if we do survive?" 1130 00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:33,395 "And because your bag wasn't all the way under the seat, 1131 00:54:33,478 --> 00:54:37,190 it ends up in the aisleway and someone trips over it 1132 00:54:37,274 --> 00:54:38,441 and injures themself?" 1133 00:54:41,194 --> 00:54:43,196 [chugging] 1134 00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:45,991 [panting heavily] 1135 00:54:47,158 --> 00:54:48,952 If you… 1136 00:54:50,620 --> 00:54:51,538 can't… 1137 00:54:52,747 --> 00:54:53,957 step 1138 00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:57,752 the fuck over 1139 00:54:58,753 --> 00:55:01,256 my ten-inch tall 1140 00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:04,718 JanSport backpack 1141 00:55:05,677 --> 00:55:08,555 to save your own life, 1142 00:55:09,681 --> 00:55:12,309 natural selection, dawg. 1143 00:55:12,392 --> 00:55:15,729 [audience cheering hysterically] 1144 00:55:15,812 --> 00:55:17,814 [applauding, whooing] 1145 00:55:23,069 --> 00:55:24,904 You gotta fuckin' die. 1146 00:55:25,405 --> 00:55:26,239 Okay. 1147 00:55:26,823 --> 00:55:29,075 You're not athletic enough to stay alive. 1148 00:55:30,952 --> 00:55:34,080 Dude, I… I could not believe 1149 00:55:34,622 --> 00:55:36,791 the lengths people will go to 1150 00:55:36,875 --> 00:55:40,295 to argue about shit that has nothing to do with them on the Internet. 1151 00:55:40,378 --> 00:55:44,007 It's impressive, man, because it snowballs very quickly. 1152 00:55:44,090 --> 00:55:47,635 It quickly becomes this mob mentality 'cause what happens online is 1153 00:55:47,719 --> 00:55:49,554 once a large enough group of people 1154 00:55:49,637 --> 00:55:51,681 start getting upset with you on the Internet, 1155 00:55:51,765 --> 00:55:53,975 everybody wants to get their lickin', 1156 00:55:54,059 --> 00:55:56,895 'cause it's full of people who have negativity towards themself 1157 00:55:56,978 --> 00:55:58,855 that they have to project onto other people. 1158 00:55:58,938 --> 00:56:01,149 This is their opportunity 'cause that's your punishment. 1159 00:56:01,232 --> 00:56:03,151 If you ever get in trouble on the Internet, 1160 00:56:03,234 --> 00:56:05,236 your punishment is that people can say 1161 00:56:06,112 --> 00:56:08,365 anything they want to you. 1162 00:56:09,282 --> 00:56:11,701 Anything, even if it's way worse 1163 00:56:11,785 --> 00:56:14,412 than what you said to get in trouble in the first place. 1164 00:56:14,496 --> 00:56:17,499 It's impressive, and ultimately, that stuff never bothers me. 1165 00:56:17,582 --> 00:56:18,666 Like, l… look. 1166 00:56:18,750 --> 00:56:21,711 You're never gonna hurt my feelings. 1167 00:56:21,795 --> 00:56:24,130 Okay, I've been dead inside for so long. 1168 00:56:24,714 --> 00:56:27,342 Like, my… my plane crashed a long time ago, 1169 00:56:27,425 --> 00:56:29,803 and I didn't step over the bag, emotionally speaking. 1170 00:56:29,886 --> 00:56:31,096 Ya know what I mean, so-- 1171 00:56:32,222 --> 00:56:33,848 You can talk your shit as much as you want. 1172 00:56:33,932 --> 00:56:36,601 The thing you have to know about me and what I've learned, 1173 00:56:36,684 --> 00:56:39,020 through therapy or whatever, is that I'm… 1174 00:56:39,604 --> 00:56:42,857 [exhales] …I'm a very defensive person, apparently. 1175 00:56:42,941 --> 00:56:46,694 I… I have a very quick trigger reaction to feel the need to defend myself 1176 00:56:46,778 --> 00:56:48,947 if I feel like somebody is coming at me. 1177 00:56:49,030 --> 00:56:50,990 And I… I go for the kill every time. 1178 00:56:51,074 --> 00:56:53,910 So look, you can talk your shit to me online as much as you want, 1179 00:56:53,993 --> 00:56:56,830 say whatever mean, hurtful things you wanna say 1180 00:56:56,913 --> 00:56:59,249 to try to hurt my feelings, but just know, 1181 00:56:59,332 --> 00:57:00,542 [panting softly] 1182 00:57:00,625 --> 00:57:04,421 I'm gonna fuck you up verbally, dude. [sputters] I'm… 1183 00:57:04,921 --> 00:57:07,340 My goal is to now make you cry. 1184 00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:09,634 Like, I'm gonna win this battle every time. 1185 00:57:09,717 --> 00:57:12,720 So when I hit you harder than you hit me first, 1186 00:57:13,221 --> 00:57:16,558 don't act like you're the fuckin' victim, okay? 1187 00:57:16,641 --> 00:57:20,061 That's my biggest pet peeve in the entire Internet, and… 1188 00:57:20,145 --> 00:57:21,354 [audience cheering] 1189 00:57:22,605 --> 00:57:23,440 …probably… 1190 00:57:24,691 --> 00:57:27,944 probably the best example of that was throughout this Twitter interaction 1191 00:57:28,027 --> 00:57:30,196 when all this backpack shit was going on. 1192 00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:32,949 I'm arguing with people, we're going roast for roast, 1193 00:57:33,032 --> 00:57:35,118 just really having some fun wastin' time. 1194 00:57:35,201 --> 00:57:36,453 I was having fun with it. 1195 00:57:37,245 --> 00:57:39,205 Then, there was this one woman. Took it too far. 1196 00:57:39,289 --> 00:57:44,169 She would not shut the fuck up, dude. 1197 00:57:44,252 --> 00:57:48,715 She, by herself, probably tweeted me like 60 to 70 times 1198 00:57:49,507 --> 00:57:52,218 whether I responded or not, and I responded to a lot. 1199 00:57:52,302 --> 00:57:55,054 But not… not all of them obviously. 1200 00:57:55,722 --> 00:57:58,224 She was one of those people, saw everybody getting their lick 1201 00:57:58,308 --> 00:58:02,437 and she wanted to be a part of that, so she started saying meaner and meaner 1202 00:58:02,520 --> 00:58:05,148 and meaner things expecting no consequences, 1203 00:58:05,231 --> 00:58:06,483 and I didn't really care. 1204 00:58:07,442 --> 00:58:09,194 Until her last tweet. 1205 00:58:10,153 --> 00:58:13,990 The last tweet, I just couldn't let slide. The last thing she said to me was, 1206 00:58:14,949 --> 00:58:19,454 "I don't understand why you have to be such an insubordinate, 1207 00:58:19,537 --> 00:58:21,498 crybaby, little bitch." 1208 00:58:21,581 --> 00:58:23,583 [audience oohing] 1209 00:58:24,125 --> 00:58:25,126 [exhales sharply] 1210 00:58:27,629 --> 00:58:28,671 [tongue clicks] 1211 00:58:28,755 --> 00:58:30,548 Should I just have blocked her? 1212 00:58:32,300 --> 00:58:34,219 [tongue clicks] My publicist says yes. 1213 00:58:34,302 --> 00:58:36,054 [audience laughing] 1214 00:58:36,596 --> 00:58:37,680 [sighs deeply] 1215 00:58:37,764 --> 00:58:39,474 But I was so sick 1216 00:58:40,141 --> 00:58:42,185 of being ganged up on 1217 00:58:42,268 --> 00:58:44,479 1-v-700. 1218 00:58:45,230 --> 00:58:47,273 She was being very mean. 1219 00:58:48,816 --> 00:58:50,860 She started it. 1220 00:58:52,737 --> 00:58:55,532 And… just based off of her profile photo, 1221 00:58:55,615 --> 00:59:00,161 she was a, um… [tongue clicks, takes a deep breath] 1222 00:59:00,245 --> 00:59:02,830 …heavier-set woman. 1223 00:59:04,374 --> 00:59:05,208 All I said… 1224 00:59:07,252 --> 00:59:08,878 in defense of myself, 1225 00:59:10,296 --> 00:59:12,715 was, "Well…" 1226 00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:13,633 [chuckling] 1227 00:59:14,926 --> 00:59:17,929 "…had you not been taking up two seats… 1228 00:59:18,012 --> 00:59:20,557 [audience laughing hysterically] 1229 00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:24,060 …there would have been room for me to safely secure my backpack 1230 00:59:24,143 --> 00:59:25,645 in another chair." 1231 00:59:27,146 --> 00:59:29,440 That's all I said, which… 1232 00:59:29,524 --> 00:59:32,694 statistically is not incorrect. 1233 00:59:32,777 --> 00:59:34,529 [audience laughing] 1234 00:59:34,612 --> 00:59:36,030 But as we all know, 1235 00:59:36,614 --> 00:59:38,741 everybody wants to be a victim now, right? 1236 00:59:39,242 --> 00:59:40,660 So how did she, 1237 00:59:41,202 --> 00:59:44,247 the person who started it, react? 1238 00:59:45,290 --> 00:59:46,874 [squeals intensely] 1239 00:59:47,500 --> 00:59:50,044 "How could he say something like that?" 1240 00:59:50,128 --> 00:59:51,921 "He's body-shaming me." 1241 00:59:52,505 --> 00:59:54,549 "Cancel Matt Rife." 1242 00:59:54,632 --> 00:59:57,760 "Bitch, you can't cancel me. I'm not your gym membership." 1243 00:59:57,844 --> 00:59:59,971 "Get the fuck off my feed then." 1244 01:00:00,054 --> 01:00:01,681 [audience laughing hysterically] 1245 01:00:01,764 --> 01:00:03,308 [applauding, whistling] 1246 01:00:03,391 --> 01:00:05,852 [cheering intensely] 1247 01:00:05,935 --> 01:00:07,687 I didn't start shit with you. 1248 01:00:08,521 --> 01:00:11,691 I'm a nice person, man. I never wanna hurt anybody's feelings, 1249 01:00:11,774 --> 01:00:13,234 but I fuckin' will. 1250 01:00:13,318 --> 01:00:15,028 audience laughing 1251 01:00:15,111 --> 01:00:17,071 It had nothing to do with her, man. 1252 01:00:17,155 --> 01:00:20,074 All I wanted to do was complain about my backpack. 1253 01:00:20,992 --> 01:00:23,202 And now I'm this bitch's 13th reason. 1254 01:00:23,286 --> 01:00:24,329 [sneeringly] Okay. 1255 01:00:24,412 --> 01:00:27,373 [audience laughing] 1256 01:00:27,457 --> 01:00:30,418 No. No, fuck that. You can count reasons, but not calories. 1257 01:00:30,501 --> 01:00:33,838 Get the fuck outta my face, dude. No. Nope. Nope. 1258 01:00:34,756 --> 01:00:35,840 Nope. 1259 01:00:35,923 --> 01:00:38,217 Not doing sympathy today, D.C. Not doing it. 1260 01:00:39,469 --> 01:00:43,389 And before any of y'all sit there even think about taking her side. 1261 01:00:43,473 --> 01:00:46,142 You go… [hoarsely] "Oh, I don't know, Matt." 1262 01:00:46,809 --> 01:00:48,603 "That's awfully personal. I mean…" 1263 01:00:48,686 --> 01:00:51,606 "I mean, is it really worth you making fun of her weight 1264 01:00:51,689 --> 01:00:52,899 in defense of yourself." 1265 01:00:52,982 --> 01:00:56,736 "What if word gets back to her you're still making fun of her weight, 1266 01:00:56,819 --> 01:01:00,073 and it affects her so severely she does something drastic, 1267 01:01:00,156 --> 01:01:03,284 like, like, like, like… like, hangs herself." 1268 01:01:03,368 --> 01:01:05,286 "How would that make you feel?" 1269 01:01:05,370 --> 01:01:07,372 [smirking] Ha, ha, ha, ha. 1270 01:01:08,247 --> 01:01:10,249 -[audience laughing] -[woman squeals] 1271 01:01:10,750 --> 01:01:11,918 How'd she get up there? 1272 01:01:12,001 --> 01:01:14,003 [audience laughing hysterically] 1273 01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:16,047 -[cheering, applauding] -Huh? 1274 01:01:17,799 --> 01:01:18,633 Yeah. 1275 01:01:19,884 --> 01:01:22,428 [woman squealing repeatedly] 1276 01:01:22,512 --> 01:01:23,971 I'd be fuckin' amazed… 1277 01:01:24,055 --> 01:01:25,682 [audience laughing] 1278 01:01:25,765 --> 01:01:28,976 …that they make tow cables that strong. I really would. 1279 01:01:29,060 --> 01:01:30,812 I really fuckin' would, dude. 1280 01:01:36,401 --> 01:01:37,443 Listen. 1281 01:01:38,277 --> 01:01:39,737 Fuck these people, man. 1282 01:01:40,947 --> 01:01:43,241 Your social media is your art. 1283 01:01:43,324 --> 01:01:44,951 You can create and share 1284 01:01:45,034 --> 01:01:46,452 whatever you want to share. 1285 01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:48,037 And if anybody… 1286 01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,289 if anybody has a problem with that, 1287 01:01:51,499 --> 01:01:52,959 I say post more of that shit. 1288 01:01:53,042 --> 01:01:55,211 [audience cheering hysterically] 1289 01:01:55,294 --> 01:01:57,672 Shove it down their fuckin' throat, man. 1290 01:01:57,755 --> 01:02:00,675 Do you have any idea how many people don't like me or my comedy? 1291 01:02:00,758 --> 01:02:03,428 -You know what? I post every fuckin' day… -[woman] Love you! 1292 01:02:03,511 --> 01:02:06,347 -…'cause that's what feels right to me. -[audience cheering] 1293 01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:07,265 It's-- 1294 01:02:07,348 --> 01:02:09,016 [audience whistling] 1295 01:02:09,100 --> 01:02:12,395 It's what feels right, and I'm just doing what I think is funny, 1296 01:02:12,478 --> 01:02:14,147 and all I can hope to come from that 1297 01:02:14,230 --> 01:02:16,983 is that it makes other people smile, and it makes them happy. 1298 01:02:17,066 --> 01:02:19,652 That's all I ever want to come from any of this. 1299 01:02:21,028 --> 01:02:24,615 So who cares if absolutely nobody believes in you, man. 1300 01:02:24,699 --> 01:02:26,909 Fuck these people. For 12 years, 1301 01:02:26,993 --> 01:02:28,828 nobody believed in me, man. 1302 01:02:28,911 --> 01:02:32,248 And if I let that affect how I respected my own thoughts and ideas, 1303 01:02:32,832 --> 01:02:36,335 I wouldn't be doing a Netflix Special at Constitution Hall in my favorite city 1304 01:02:36,419 --> 01:02:37,795 in the entire country, man. 1305 01:02:37,879 --> 01:02:39,881 [audience cheering hysterically] 1306 01:02:39,964 --> 01:02:44,886 -[applauding] -[man cheering] Whoo, whoo, whoo! 1307 01:02:48,431 --> 01:02:51,851 [audience whooing] 1308 01:02:54,520 --> 01:02:57,106 But what do I know? I only do crowd work, right? 1309 01:02:57,190 --> 01:02:59,734 [audience cheering hysterically] 1310 01:02:59,817 --> 01:03:03,696 [upbeat electronic music playing] 1311 01:03:20,087 --> 01:03:21,923 Hope everybody enjoyed themselves. 1312 01:03:22,006 --> 01:03:24,801 Old people, thank you for coming. I know you have to be up soon. 1313 01:03:25,384 --> 01:03:27,887 Did you know who I was when you… when you came here? 1314 01:03:28,596 --> 01:03:29,639 -[Matt] You did? -Yeah. 1315 01:03:29,722 --> 01:03:31,432 They play TikTok on the Hallmark? 1316 01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:34,644 -[Matt] Shut up. -[audience laughing] 1317 01:03:34,727 --> 01:03:35,853 [Matt] What is that? 1318 01:03:37,355 --> 01:03:39,148 What's in here? We got, uh… 1319 01:03:39,232 --> 01:03:40,817 Is this weed edibles? 1320 01:03:41,400 --> 01:03:43,319 Fifty milligrams, you murderer. 1321 01:03:43,903 --> 01:03:46,447 If you fuck around and take 50 mg on your first edible, 1322 01:03:46,531 --> 01:03:49,116 you will change your pronouns, dude. Like, you will… 1323 01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:51,369 Black people, thank y'all. 1324 01:03:53,287 --> 01:03:54,789 I think it's just y'all. 1325 01:03:54,872 --> 01:03:56,123 Ah, two. 1326 01:03:56,207 --> 01:03:59,168 I thought for sure I had a more diverse fan base. 1327 01:03:59,252 --> 01:04:00,795 [grunts] Not as much. 1328 01:04:01,587 --> 01:04:03,965 [yells] Oh. Okay. All right. Let's not point 'em out. 1329 01:04:04,048 --> 01:04:07,176 That feels very January 6th of y'all. Let's chill out. 1330 01:04:08,469 --> 01:04:11,681 I know. It's y'all's city. I know. 1331 01:04:11,764 --> 01:04:15,685 [closing music playing]