1
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:12,804
[motorcycle engines rumbling]

2
00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:20,895
[bike horn playing "La Cucaracha"]

3
00:00:26,609 --> 00:00:28,820
Oh my God, you saved my life. Thank you.

4
00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:30,238
[woman] No, thank you

5
00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:33,867
for having sex with me
and my friends all night last night.

6
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:35,702
Hey. That was cool.

7
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,705
You're like no one else
I've ever been with.

8
00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:40,999
You're like... a god.

9
00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:42,834
That's awesome, but I kinda...

10
00:00:42,917 --> 00:00:44,085
I have a show, so...

11
00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:46,087
Bye, girls. Bye-bye.

12
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,802
[sighs] You fat rascal.

13
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,138
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]

14
00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:58,850
[announcer] <i>Without further ado,
Stavros Halkias!</i>

15
00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:02,145
["Let Me Show Em" by Mighty Mark playing]

16
00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:04,230
[crowd cheering]

17
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,399
What's up? Hi.

18
00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:08,359
How are we doing?

19
00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:10,612
How are we all?

20
00:01:11,362 --> 00:01:12,989
How are we doing, gang? Huh?

21
00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,325
This is fucking sick.

22
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:17,452
Sit down.

23
00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:18,411
[music stops]

24
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,371
Stop it. Holy shit.

25
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,250
This is hilarious, huh?
Look at this place.

26
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,879
We don't belong here.
You and I don't belong here.

27
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,966
You motherfuckers have never been
in a balcony before in your lives.

28
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,428
Slipknot T-shirt in the fucking orchestra.

29
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:37,472
[laughs]

30
00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:41,101
Damn, the whole GameStop
management team came through.

31
00:01:41,976 --> 00:01:44,229
[laughing]

32
00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:46,523
Hell yeah, dude.

33
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:48,525
Fuck.

34
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,569
Can you get me a deal on a PS5?

35
00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:52,821
Boys, what's up?

36
00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:54,697
[Stavros laughing]

37
00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:58,868
How many GameCube trade-ins
did you guys fucking cash in

38
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:00,078
to sit in those seats?

39
00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:02,497
[laughing]

40
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,333
How am I looking? You like the fit, huh?

41
00:02:05,416 --> 00:02:07,627
- [crowd cheering]
- Like it?

42
00:02:09,712 --> 00:02:13,216
You know what it's like for a man
like me to wear white jeans, you know?

43
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:17,679
Weak stream, short penis. You know
the nerve-wracking piss I just took?

44
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:19,639
Just fully...

45
00:02:19,722 --> 00:02:22,559
just hamstrings fully extended.

46
00:02:23,059 --> 00:02:24,060
"Ah, fuck."

47
00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,688
Trying to get my penis just completely,

48
00:02:26,771 --> 00:02:29,440
just dripping directly over the bowl.

49
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:31,901
[laughs]

50
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:35,655
I mean, these guys wore
their best cargo shorts, I might as well...

51
00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:39,117
I might as well have
put on my best outfit as well

52
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,743
for this special taping.

53
00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:42,996
[laughing]

54
00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,623
I'm sorry. We're more alike
than we are different, boys.

55
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:46,708
I don't mean...

56
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,085
I don't mean to shit on you.
You're my guys.

57
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,754
[laughing]

58
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,549
Uh, fun to be in Austin.

59
00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:55,758
Hilarious town.

60
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,802
- Very funny place.
- [scattered whoops]

61
00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,554
It sucks. You guys know that, right?

62
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:00,680
You know...

63
00:03:00,763 --> 00:03:03,057
You know, this town is dog shit. Um...

64
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,352
Don't get me wrong.
It used to be cool, you know what I mean?

65
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,980
Used to be the kind of place
you might catch a couple cowboys

66
00:03:09,063 --> 00:03:11,441
sucking each other off
on roller skates, you know?

67
00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:13,318
Something...

68
00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:15,195
Something fun, something quirky,

69
00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:19,365
the kind of shit that would make
the rest of Texas mad, you know?

70
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:21,868
Not anymore, dude.

71
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,621
Now it's a bunch of tech dorks
ruining the whole place.

72
00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:28,625
A bunch of WeWorks
and losers with Whoop straps, you know?

73
00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:32,337
Really? You need to know
your blood oxygen level to code?

74
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:33,880
Why do you need to know that?

75
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:39,510
Why are you in an ice bath?
You work for Amazon. Stop.

76
00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:42,263
Tech has never helped us one time.

77
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,391
They haven't improved our lives.
They haven't invented shit.

78
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:48,937
Here's how every tech company
gets successful now. Here's the secret.

79
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,981
They're like, "Hey, you know
that thing that already exists?"

80
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,067
"What if we don't pay people to do it?"

81
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:55,235
"What if we just...

82
00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:59,697
"You know how taxi drivers
can afford to feed their families?"

83
00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:02,116
"What if they couldn't?" [chuckles]

84
00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:07,538
And that was the pitch
for Uber, basically. That was it.

85
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:10,291
Some VC guy was like,
"Holy shit, that's awesome."

86
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:14,504
Some decrepit billionaire
hanging upside down,

87
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:19,509
getting a Puerto Rican teenager's
blood pumped into his heart directly,

88
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,719
he's like, "Yeah, man, that's all."

89
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,555
"Give that guy
a trillion dollars for that idea."

90
00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:27,684
But every time they advertise a new app,

91
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:30,019
it's always so positive and bubbly.

92
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:33,022
Even though the thing is
very sinister if you think about it.

93
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,440
It's always like,

94
00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:37,151
"We know times are tough here in America."

95
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:39,112
"That's why we created Harvest."

96
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,155
"Did you know you have...

97
00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:42,782
two kidneys?"

98
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:49,080
"Seems kind of unnecessary, doesn't it?"

99
00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:54,002
"Well, with Harvest,
your second kidney can be your first step

100
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:55,670
towards financial freedom."

101
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:01,217
And the tech CEOs,
everyone sucks those guys off,

102
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,094
everyone pretends like they're geniuses.

103
00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:04,804
They're fucking dumb as shit.

104
00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:06,889
Everyone sucks Elon off, I don't get it.

105
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:09,017
I don't think that guy's that smart.

106
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,353
I think people think he's smart
because they can't place his accent.

107
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:13,646
I think that's it.

108
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,317
I think people are like, "Whoa!"

109
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,194
"What is this guy? From England?
From the future? What is that?"

110
00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:23,531
"I should listen."

111
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,827
I mean, he's embarrassing himself
with Twitter, right?

112
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:30,621
Running into the ground,
just blowing it completely.

113
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:33,249
He bought Twitter
because he likes tweeting.

114
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:36,753
That's how poor people
spend money, you know?

115
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,049
You give me 40 billion dollars,
I'm not buying Pornhub.

116
00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:42,258
You know what I mean?

117
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,428
Yeah, I like jacking off.

118
00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:47,472
I don't know how
to code or anything like that.

119
00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:53,936
I buy Pornhub, I'm like, "Yeah,
put my comments to the top, make sure..."

120
00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:56,564
"Make sure everybody sees my shit."

121
00:05:57,398 --> 00:05:59,400
"'Nice breasts, Lisa Ann.'"

122
00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:04,155
"'Do you want to hang out sometime?'"

123
00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:07,450
"No? Delete her account."

124
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:11,621
"I own Pornhub."

125
00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:13,706
[chuckles]

126
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,210
His other ideas
don't make any sense to me either.

127
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:21,047
He was going to solve traffic
with a one-lane underground tunnel?

128
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:25,093
A baby could tell you
that's not going to work.

129
00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:27,970
A baby with a Hot Wheels track

130
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:31,224
could tell you there's
some problems with that idea.

131
00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:35,395
My favorite Elon idea is Neuralink.

132
00:06:35,978 --> 00:06:38,731
Neuralink's a chip
that goes directly into your brain,

133
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,608
connects you directly to the Internet.

134
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:44,112
You know the Internet, the thing
you wish you were more connected to?

135
00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:48,866
He tried on a bunch of monkeys,
they all killed themselves.

136
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:50,410
That really... that happened,

137
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,787
And he was just like,
"Nah, nah, four months,

138
00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:54,872
we'll be ready to go
for humans, no problem."

139
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,624
[chuckling]

140
00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:59,710
I don't know about you guys,
I'd never put a chip in my head,

141
00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:00,795
that's crazy.

142
00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:04,590
There's no way, because it's like,
a company's not going to make you smarter.

143
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,759
What's going to happen
is your childhood memories

144
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:09,345
are going behind a paywall.
That's what's going to happen.

145
00:07:11,764 --> 00:07:13,516
You're gonna be sitting,
reminiscing one day,

146
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:14,684
all of a sudden you'll hear,

147
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,853
"To unlock Amanda's breasts,

148
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:19,772
please update
your debit card information."

149
00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:25,153
"Getting jacked off on the school bus
is a platinum-level memory."

150
00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:29,157
[chuckling]

151
00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:33,327
You're gonna try to remember
the last time you and your dad connected

152
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,621
and a Spotify ad
is going to start playing.

153
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:40,126
"This tearful reconciliation
is brought to you by Burger King."

154
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,004
[chuckling]

155
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:46,090
I just hate what
tech companies do to cities.

156
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:47,508
What they do to awesome cities.

157
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,594
I mean, you guys are
experiencing it right now.

158
00:07:49,677 --> 00:07:50,720
It sucks, dude.

159
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:53,890
Like, any time a tech company
moves into a cool city

160
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,058
they won't rest
until they've turned it into

161
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:59,770
a series of breweries and climbing gyms
connected by Lime scooters.

162
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,443
They won't solve
the homelessness they cause,

163
00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:07,987
but they'll make sure
you can zip on past it.

164
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,951
They won't give 'em houses
but they'll make them blurry. Uh...

165
00:08:17,079 --> 00:08:18,789
It's not just tech cities I hate though.

166
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:21,083
Some cities I hate
just because they suck. Right?

167
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,003
I mean, Phoenix, dog shit town on its own.

168
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,088
You know, just...

169
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,175
Too hot, very racist over there.

170
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:33,763
They're real racist
against Mexicans in Arizona, in general.

171
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:36,098
It's like, you know,
racist people like the idea

172
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:38,059
of people belonging somewhere.

173
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:41,395
Well, who do you think belongs there?
You think it's the pink motherfuckers

174
00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:44,440
who get melanoma scraped off
their shoulders every three months?

175
00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:48,402
You think John McCain
is indigenous to Phoenix?

176
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:57,745
Going to Arizona
and being racist against Mexicans

177
00:08:57,828 --> 00:08:59,705
is like going to Disney World
and being like,

178
00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:02,500
"What the fuck are
all these cartoons doing here?"

179
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:04,961
"What the hell is this?"

180
00:09:05,836 --> 00:09:08,506
"I'm trying to ride the teacups
with my white family."

181
00:09:10,424 --> 00:09:13,010
"Why does Goofy
keep trying to sell me pupusas?"

182
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:19,517
Yeah, Phoenix also the first place
anybody told me I wasn't white.

183
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,810
That happened there.

184
00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:24,355
A guy came up to me
after a show and he was like,

185
00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:27,233
"Hey, man, that joke where
you said you were white, that was weird."

186
00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:32,071
I was like, "Uh, what are
you talking about, man? I'm Greek."

187
00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:33,656
And he was like, "Exactly."

188
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,158
[chuckling]

189
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:38,953
He was accusing me
of stealing white valor, you know?

190
00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:46,711
I left that interaction, I was like,
"Man, that guy's dumb as hell."

191
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:48,838
And then I went to Greece and I was like...

192
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,215
"Hold on, he might be
onto something, actually."

193
00:09:51,882 --> 00:09:53,843
[chuckling] Because I went to Greece

194
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:57,096
and everybody in Greece is like
this little hairy loudmouth, you know?

195
00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:02,643
Very tan, olive skin, touchy-feely,
a lot of jewelry, a lot of emotions,

196
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:05,187
act really gay but are homophobic.

197
00:10:08,357 --> 00:10:10,985
If you think about it,
we're pretty much Arabs.

198
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:12,111
Right? Like...

199
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,823
We check off a lot more Arab boxes

200
00:10:15,906 --> 00:10:17,366
than we do white boxes.

201
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,659
That's all I'm saying.

202
00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:21,537
So how did Greek people
become white in America?

203
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:22,872
And I think the answer is

204
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:25,833
white people wanted
Ancient Greece on their resume.

205
00:10:25,916 --> 00:10:27,209
I think that's what it is.

206
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:30,588
I think we're dealing with a case
of white stat-padding here.

207
00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:35,509
I think white people were like,
"Democracy, the Olympics, philosophy...

208
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:38,054
"Dibs! Don't even think about it, Arabs."

209
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,724
Kind of a similar
move they pulled with Jesus.

210
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:42,808
Right? I mean...

211
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:47,146
We all know
he was a little brown guy, for sure.

212
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,733
A hundred percent.
He looked a lot more like a day laborer

213
00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:53,152
than the guy you're thinking of right now.

214
00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:57,698
White people were like, "Nah,
the Savior's ours and guess what?"

215
00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,533
"He's a piece of ass too."

216
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:04,205
Blonde hair, blue eyes,

217
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:06,957
abs for some reason.

218
00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,628
That's right. God is white.
And guess what?

219
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,880
You're going to want to suck him off too.

220
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,969
I don't know why they made him
so fuckable. I don't understand.

221
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,765
You gotta hand it
to Ancient Greece though,

222
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:24,392
an incredible civilization.

223
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:27,186
Imagine being so
successful as a civilization

224
00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:31,065
that 3,000 years later
your descendants face less racism.

225
00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:32,274
That's crazy.

226
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:37,196
Some guy 3,000 years ago
sculpted a marble penis so beautiful

227
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:41,325
that it is now easier for me
to get a bank loan than a Latino man.

228
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,576
That's...

229
00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:46,330
That's good craftsmanship.
You have to admit that.

230
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:50,000
[chuckling] It's the mark of a master.

231
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:55,047
So I don't really like
visiting a tech city,

232
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,632
a rich city, a hot city.

233
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,844
I like trashy cities.
I like bottom of the barrel.

234
00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:02,471
Give me Tampa, Florida.
You know what I'm saying?

235
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,557
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah. Yeah.

236
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:08,477
Every woman in Tampa is like
the hottest waitress in a bowling alley.

237
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:09,562
You know?

238
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,442
It's like, "You're hot,
but you're here. Uh..."

239
00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:20,656
I've had very enriching experiences
with the people of Tampa.

240
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,991
I was at a show once,

241
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,285
I was doing a show,
there was an older woman in the crowd,

242
00:12:24,368 --> 00:12:26,620
maybe in her mid-60s.
She was being very disruptive.

243
00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:28,748
She kept, like, yelling out.
It was very annoying.

244
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:31,208
And when the show was over,
I was so happy it was done.

245
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:32,501
I got a car immediately.

246
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,421
I'm sitting on this park bench
waiting for the guy to show up.

247
00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:36,797
He's taking forever.

248
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:39,383
And then here comes
this lady from the show, this older woman.

249
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,469
She sits down next to me. I'm like...

250
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:43,637
"Okay, I guess I'm going
to have to make small talk

251
00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:45,931
with this unstable
person for a little bit.

252
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:47,641
And, uh, we're chatting.

253
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:51,145
I look at my phone, the guy's lost.
He's even further away now.

254
00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:52,772
So I, um,

255
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:55,524
I start making out
with this old lady. You know?

256
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:57,359
[laughs]

257
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,820
She gave me the look.
I don't know what you want from me.

258
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:03,449
But she also taught me
a very important lesson, you know.

259
00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:04,700
It turns out,

260
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,787
sometimes whores just get old, right?

261
00:13:09,413 --> 00:13:12,082
They're not all going
to be grandmas, it turns out.

262
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,877
That's very ageist
and sexist of me to think.

263
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:18,172
What? You turn 60, all of a sudden
you got to start baking cookies?

264
00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:20,216
No, not necessarily.

265
00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:23,052
Some women are fighting the good fight

266
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:24,970
deep into their golden years.

267
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:29,767
Giving over-the-pants hand jobs
through arthritic knuckles.

268
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:34,897
That's a lesson I could
only learn in Tampa, Florida, folks.

269
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:40,444
I like a trashy city. I like a fat city.

270
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:41,946
I feel at home there.

271
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:44,365
Yeah, dude. Give me any city

272
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:46,575
where if you eat
the regional cuisine every day,

273
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:47,701
you will die.

274
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:48,786
Right?

275
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,956
Buffalo, Wisconsin.

276
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:55,042
Give me a town
where if you visit a man's home,

277
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:57,878
you will see the indentation
he's left in his couch.

278
00:13:58,921 --> 00:13:59,880
Right?

279
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:01,841
Where the titties are hefty.

280
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,885
Where you suck on
the wrong pair of breasts,

281
00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:07,179
you might need to see
the chiropractor afterwards.

282
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:09,431
I love those kind of places.

283
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,684
So I like it. It's fun traveling,

284
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:14,645
getting a different vibe
for each local culture. That part's cool.

285
00:14:14,728 --> 00:14:16,564
That part's awesome about being on tour.

286
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:18,816
I just hate the physical travel.

287
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:21,694
I was going to Vancouver
earlier last year,

288
00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:24,488
and I forgot you have to
fill out a bunch of forms

289
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:26,198
when you work in a foreign country,

290
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,200
and I just didn't have them.

291
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,744
Right? I just did not.
I wasn't supposed to be entering.

292
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,413
I was like, "Nah, I still gotta get in,

293
00:14:32,496 --> 00:14:34,248
so I'm gonna have
to lie to the border guy."

294
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:38,586
"I know what I'm going to tell him.
I'm gonna tell him I'm here for a girl."

295
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,088
Because in my mind,
he was going to be like,

296
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,591
"Sick, dude. Nice!"

297
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:49,013
In my mind, he was going to be like,
"Oh, fellow pussy-getter, come right in."

298
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:53,392
"What are you doing
in the regular line, pal? Come on."

299
00:14:56,312 --> 00:15:00,024
So I tell him, "I'm here for a girl,"
and he doesn't give a fuck, of course.

300
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:03,819
He was like, "Okay,
where'd you meet this woman?"

301
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:07,948
I was like, "Um... the internet."

302
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,659
"The internet?
You never met her in person?"

303
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,912
I was like, "No, I met her one time."

304
00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:14,872
Just folding immediately.

305
00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:19,084
He was like, "Okay, how old is this woman?

306
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:21,795
"Twenty, um...

307
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:23,839
eight?"

308
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,592
He just looked at me for a while.

309
00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:27,676
He was like,

310
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,262
"This woman is over 18, right?"

311
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:36,226
Right, yeah. He thought I was a pedophile,

312
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:38,979
which, you know, did hurt my feelings,

313
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,481
I'm not going to lie to you guys,

314
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:43,943
but, at the same time,
I was sweating, I was nervous,

315
00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:46,987
I had this hair,
I had these glasses, right?

316
00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:50,532
I saw how he got there, I didn't...

317
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:52,451
I didn't like it, but...

318
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:55,913
I could read the road map, right?

319
00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:59,124
Just really hurt my feelings,
'cause he thought I was<i>,</i>

320
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,960
like, a stupid pedophile, you know?

321
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:04,588
He thinks I'm the kind of pervert where,
"Why come to the country?"

322
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:07,466
It's like, "Well, to fuck the kids!"

323
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:12,012
I'm like, "Come on, dude,

324
00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:15,015
either call me stupid
or a pedophile, not both."

325
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,813
That same trip, coming back from Vancouver

326
00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:23,273
was the worst travel experience
I've ever had in my life.

327
00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:26,318
I'd been on the road
for three months in a row,

328
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,695
12 weeks, hadn't been home,

329
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:30,239
I was so homesick
that I had a 6:00 p.m. flight,

330
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:33,909
I changed it to 6:00 a.m. last minute,
cost a thousand dollars,

331
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,452
I had to bump up to first class.

332
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,830
I was like, "I don't care,
I'm going to do this,

333
00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:40,040
I need to get home, I just gotta do it,

334
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:41,875
I gotta get home 12 hours earlier."

335
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,712
So I stay up all night
to make sure I don't miss this flight,

336
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:47,423
get to the airport, it's delayed, right?

337
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:50,592
So now my connecting flight,
I only have a half hour

338
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,219
to make an international connection,

339
00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:54,346
which is usually
not enough time, but I was like,

340
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:56,682
"Nah, fuck that, dude,
we're doing this, right?"

341
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:59,351
So I'm huffing and puffing
through this whole airport,

342
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:01,729
I'm elbowing the elderly out of the way.

343
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:05,315
I'm like, "Excuse me, sir,
I have to be high on my couch."

344
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:11,155
"Instead of high right here, right now."

345
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:16,285
I'm doing that
embarrassing little roller bag trot.

346
00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:20,164
You know? I don't care, I'm getting home,
I don't care what the optics are.

347
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:22,791
So I get there,

348
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,252
by some miracle, I make it to my gate,

349
00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:26,545
six minutes to spare,

350
00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:29,214
I'm the only one
from my flight that made it,

351
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:31,383
I'm feeling so triumphant,
I'm out of breath,

352
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:34,553
I go to the girl at the little kiosk,
I show her my boarding pass.

353
00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:35,637
She's a trainee,

354
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:38,057
tries to scan it, can't get it to work.

355
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:42,478
And in my head I'm like, "Pfft. Can't
even get a fucking boarding pass to work?"

356
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,898
"Maybe you ain't cut out
for Delta, sweetheart." You know?

357
00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:49,026
I'm feeling cocky right now.

358
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,570
She calls her co-worker over,

359
00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:53,822
she tries to scan it,
she can't get it to work.

360
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:57,326
She looks at it, she's like,
"Doesn't look like you're on this flight."

361
00:17:57,826 --> 00:18:01,997
I was like, "No, I'm on the flight.
So, please check again?"

362
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,165
Um...

363
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:05,292
She checks, she's like, "I don't see ya."

364
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:07,795
I'm like, "Oh, you gotta
be fucking kidding me."

365
00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:10,172
Right under my breath, like a gentleman.

366
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:14,885
And then she goes,
"Sir, don't use profanity at my kiosk."

367
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:19,890
I was like, "Your kiosk?
You're an hourly Delta employee, lady."

368
00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:22,309
"I don't have to respect you. Okay?"

369
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,853
I do, don't get me wrong,

370
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:28,232
but she's kind of
pushing the limits of the social contract

371
00:18:28,315 --> 00:18:30,359
by talking to me
like my middle school teacher.

372
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:31,360
That's all I'm saying.

373
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:33,821
Still, I'm trying to make the flight,

374
00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:34,863
so I play along,

375
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:37,783
I say the right words,
but I say them like a dickhead.

376
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:41,578
I'm like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Hmm."

377
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,541
"It won't happen again." Right?

378
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:49,628
A little cunty, I know,
but I've... I've been up all night,

379
00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:52,965
I'm running off Red Bulls
and Canadian pussy juice at this point,

380
00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:56,844
which is not a hearty enough meal
for this level of travel complication.

381
00:18:56,927 --> 00:18:57,928
That's all.

382
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,515
So she's like, "Huh."

383
00:19:01,598 --> 00:19:05,227
"You know, it looks like
they just kicked you off the flight."

384
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:08,021
Like she's sharing
a fun little tidbit with me.

385
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:12,359
I'm like, "Obviously they can't do that."
She's like, "Actually, they can."

386
00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:15,320
Actually, I could shit in your mouth, but...

387
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:18,490
do you see how that would be rude?

388
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:23,162
Even though, technically, it is possible.

389
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:29,418
But I'm like, "All right, dude,
keep calm. It's all right.

390
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,545
You're flying to
New York City, a major city.

391
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:33,046
I'll be on a new flight in an hour.

392
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:36,300
I'll eat McDonald's in two airports.
It's not the end of the world.

393
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,469
And then she looks up my next flight,

394
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:42,264
"Okay, your next flight is
going to be in four hours to Minneapolis,

395
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:45,142
and four hours after that
you're going to fly to New York.

396
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:47,561
So now I'm getting home
two hours after the flight

397
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:50,105
I paid a thousand dollars not to be on,

398
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,231
and I just lost it.

399
00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:52,858
I was like, "No, fuck that, Samantha,

400
00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:54,651
you're gonna put me
on this fucking flight!"

401
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,196
"You've treated me
like an asshole all morning."

402
00:19:57,279 --> 00:19:59,114
"You have no empathy,
you're bad at your job,

403
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,534
you're not pulling off the pixie cut,
I don't know who told you you were."

404
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:08,040
And it's true, she didn't
have the bone structure for it.

405
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:13,212
She's like, "Sir, calm down,
I'm going to call the police."

406
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,339
I was like, "The police? For this?"

407
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:17,382
"You can't call the police for this."

408
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:19,509
And it turned out
it was actually very easy

409
00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:21,345
for her to call the police,

410
00:20:21,428 --> 00:20:22,846
which I was not expecting.

411
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:25,849
So, I changed my tune immediately,

412
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,393
I'm like, "Hey Samantha,
I'm really sorry about...

413
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:33,482
all that stuff I was saying earlier."

414
00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:35,984
"I'm having a bad day."

415
00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:40,781
"Do you think maybe
I could get on the flight, please?"

416
00:20:41,865 --> 00:20:43,659
She won't even make eye contact with me

417
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:44,826
so I go right back at her.

418
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:46,912
"You're a fucking piece of shit Samantha!"

419
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:52,417
You think you get a promotion for this?
You're going to die at this kiosk!

420
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,378
Right? [chuckles] I'm fucking losing it.

421
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:57,172
People are shielding
their children's eyes from me.

422
00:20:58,423 --> 00:20:59,716
Eventually, her boss comes,

423
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,886
her boss is also a bitch,
but she's a professional bitch, you know.

424
00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:05,764
She's like, "Look, we had
a problem with your bag,

425
00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:08,141
this is the fastest way
we could get you home."

426
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:10,727
"It's either this
or you wait a whole extra day."

427
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:13,272
I was like, "All right, fine. Cool."
She's like, "Okay, great."

428
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:16,024
"So you understand you're
not going to get on this flight, right?"

429
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,193
And it's like, "Well, it left, so, yeah."

430
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:21,321
"I understand the basic laws
of time and space,

431
00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:23,115
if that's what you're asking me."

432
00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:30,372
She's like, "Great, you've calmed down.
We don't have to get the police involved."

433
00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:34,334
"You never had to get the police involved,
your coworker was overreacting.

434
00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:37,587
"Really? Because she said
you called her a dumb bitch repeatedly."

435
00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:38,880
"Is that true?"

436
00:21:40,674 --> 00:21:42,009
[haughtily] "I don't remember."

437
00:21:43,593 --> 00:21:45,887
[laughing] So...

438
00:21:48,223 --> 00:21:51,435
So she's going to go call the cops,
tell them not to bother showing up.

439
00:21:51,518 --> 00:21:54,938
But it's already been a half hour
since Samantha called them,

440
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:56,565
and they're already on their way.

441
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:59,234
And what I see when
I look to my left, coming towards me,

442
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,778
is two grown men riding bicycles.

443
00:22:01,862 --> 00:22:04,865
I see two cops on bikes,

444
00:22:04,948 --> 00:22:06,825
little shorts, little helmet.

445
00:22:06,908 --> 00:22:09,953
Helmet? You're worried about
a high-speed collision in Terminal E,

446
00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:11,538
you fucking assholes.

447
00:22:14,791 --> 00:22:17,961
So they pull up,
I'm not trying to antagonize anyone,

448
00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:19,713
I start laughing, right?

449
00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:23,884
Because I saw something stupid, right?

450
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:27,262
She thinks I've lost my mind.
She's like, "What's going on?"

451
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:30,140
I'm like, "Ha. They're on bikes." Right?

452
00:22:31,141 --> 00:22:32,726
Like, she's going to be in on it.

453
00:22:32,809 --> 00:22:34,770
Like she's going to be,
"I know, fucking idiots."

454
00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:40,942
Instead, she goes, "Sir, I thought
we talked about your attitude."

455
00:22:41,401 --> 00:22:44,112
I was like,
"They're on bikes! That's funny!"

456
00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:47,032
"That's outdoor transportation. Come on!"

457
00:22:48,241 --> 00:22:49,409
She didn't find it funny.

458
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:52,704
You're not going to believe this,
the cops really didn't find it funny.

459
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:56,166
They were actually
pretty rude to me after that. Um...

460
00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:58,418
But I get that too, right?

461
00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:00,712
These are airport cops.
That's a tough job. Right?

462
00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:04,341
There's cameras everywhere.
You can't even do hate crimes, which...

463
00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:08,553
is one of the big
perks of the job, as I understand it.

464
00:23:10,430 --> 00:23:11,431
So...

465
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:15,394
So these guys haven't accosted
a Black teenage in a while,

466
00:23:15,477 --> 00:23:17,020
and they're grumpy. You know?

467
00:23:18,647 --> 00:23:20,732
And they're taking it out on me.

468
00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:23,860
They take my license,
they take my passport.

469
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:26,488
They just make me sit there
for 40 minutes with no ID,

470
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:27,531
sweat it out.

471
00:23:27,614 --> 00:23:29,491
Eventually, they come back
and they're like,

472
00:23:29,574 --> 00:23:31,868
"Sir, due to your conduct this afternoon,

473
00:23:31,952 --> 00:23:35,122
you've been placed on
a problem passenger list here in Canada."

474
00:23:35,622 --> 00:23:39,376
"You want to be extra careful when you
go through security and customs now on."

475
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:41,336
It turns out they were
fucking with me, I think.

476
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,296
I've been to Canada since, no one cares.

477
00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:44,923
But at the time, I was freaking out

478
00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:47,300
because I had a ton of drugs in my bag.

479
00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:52,389
I had a bunch of edibles,
I had a bunch of mushrooms.

480
00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:55,809
I was like, "Damn, is Canada
about to get me this hard?"

481
00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:59,563
"Am I going to miss my flight
and have to throw my drugs away?"

482
00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:02,607
And I thought about it,
I was like, "No, fuck that, baby."

483
00:24:02,691 --> 00:24:04,734
"USA! These colors don't run."

484
00:24:04,818 --> 00:24:06,319
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah.

485
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:07,988
Hell yeah.

486
00:24:08,655 --> 00:24:09,865
That's right.

487
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:13,869
These maple syrup-drinking motherfuckers
still got the Queen on their money, okay?

488
00:24:14,744 --> 00:24:16,913
I'm pretty sure we told
her great-great-grandfather

489
00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:18,540
to suck our dicks, so...

490
00:24:19,791 --> 00:24:22,252
I'm keeping my drugs and guess what?

491
00:24:22,335 --> 00:24:24,588
I'm doing some right now.

492
00:24:26,715 --> 00:24:29,843
That's what I did right then and there.
Took 40 milligrams of edibles.

493
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:33,138
Honestly, had a pretty sick
afternoon after that.

494
00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:38,393
I ran up a $90 tab
at Hudson News, you know?

495
00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:44,691
I'm eating big Toblerones
like they're corn on the cob, you know?

496
00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:49,696
Mmm.

497
00:24:50,614 --> 00:24:52,032
[laughs]

498
00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:55,785
Finally, it's time for me
to check-in to my next flight.

499
00:24:55,869 --> 00:24:57,746
And the lady at
that kiosk, she's really nice.

500
00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:59,789
She's this cute little fat short lady.

501
00:24:59,873 --> 00:25:02,834
She's kind of like the Mario
to Samantha's Wario, you know?

502
00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:08,340
And as I'm walking onto my next flight,
she compliments my shirt.

503
00:25:08,423 --> 00:25:09,966
"What is this lady talking about?"

504
00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:12,219
Like I said, this was
at the end of 12 weeks of touring.

505
00:25:12,302 --> 00:25:14,095
I had no clean laundry left.

506
00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:17,849
The only thing I had left was this
Scar from <i>The Lion King</i> T-shirt

507
00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:21,353
that said,
"I'm surrounded by idiots" on it.

508
00:25:22,854 --> 00:25:24,564
And that's when I kind of zoomed down

509
00:25:24,648 --> 00:25:27,734
and thought about what everybody else
was seeing at the airport that day.

510
00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:32,364
Because I thought I was being perceived
as a hero for consumer rights.

511
00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:37,577
Um, but everybody else was seeing
some fat, sassy Disney nerd in sweatpants

512
00:25:38,828 --> 00:25:41,289
just having a meltdown.

513
00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:45,043
"You gotta put me on the plane!"

514
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:50,423
"I need to get to the Magic Kingdom!"

515
00:25:51,132 --> 00:25:52,342
[chuckling]

516
00:25:53,468 --> 00:25:56,805
My next flight was a lot better than that.
I joined the 10-foot-high club.

517
00:25:57,389 --> 00:26:00,308
Um, yeah, which is when you beat off
while the plane is still boarding.

518
00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:01,685
[guffaws]

519
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,438
I was pretty relaxed for that one.

520
00:26:07,732 --> 00:26:10,694
Also, the last two years have been
pretty unhealthy for me in general,

521
00:26:10,777 --> 00:26:11,778
not just to travel.

522
00:26:11,861 --> 00:26:13,822
I've been chubbin' up big time.

523
00:26:13,905 --> 00:26:16,825
Recently, I've been
doing that thing where it's like,

524
00:26:16,908 --> 00:26:19,703
"Hmm, I wonder what
the chicken wings are like in Omaha."

525
00:26:19,786 --> 00:26:20,829
You know?

526
00:26:21,746 --> 00:26:23,999
Just telling myself little fat lies.

527
00:26:25,792 --> 00:26:28,253
"Well, I simply must try
the chocolate in Missouri"

528
00:26:28,336 --> 00:26:31,590
"I mean, what are Kit Kats like here?"

529
00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:36,678
It's hard. I'm trying
to lose weight. It's difficult.

530
00:26:36,761 --> 00:26:39,347
You learn a lot about yourself
when you're trying to lose weight,

531
00:26:39,431 --> 00:26:41,391
even places you're not expecting to.

532
00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:42,767
I was at a party the other night,

533
00:26:42,851 --> 00:26:44,603
I was getting real drunk,
getting real wasted.

534
00:26:44,686 --> 00:26:47,105
My friend comes out
with a breathalyzer test.

535
00:26:47,188 --> 00:26:50,567
He's like, "Let's blow into this.
Let's see who the drunkest is!"

536
00:26:51,151 --> 00:26:52,444
It's like, fine, we can do that.

537
00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:55,030
But one of our friends
is an alcoholic, so...

538
00:26:56,156 --> 00:26:58,116
he's gonna win, right?

539
00:26:59,409 --> 00:27:00,785
Of course, we all blow into it,

540
00:27:00,869 --> 00:27:03,079
and, of course, the alcoholic,
his name's Pete, he wins.

541
00:27:03,163 --> 00:27:05,040
- He blows a .20.
- [scattered groans]

542
00:27:05,123 --> 00:27:07,459
Right. Couple DUIs in the room? Yeah.

543
00:27:09,669 --> 00:27:12,505
Yeah, that's like
2% of your blood is alcohol.

544
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,967
He's essentially a
Michelob Ultra at that point.

545
00:27:17,427 --> 00:27:20,680
And everyone's just like, "Yeah, Pete!"

546
00:27:20,764 --> 00:27:22,390
"So fucked up!"

547
00:27:22,474 --> 00:27:24,100
"Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete!"

548
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:28,188
No one's like, "Damn,
we should get Pete some help." Right?

549
00:27:29,522 --> 00:27:31,066
Doesn't cross anybody's mind.

550
00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:35,528
And that's when I realized
I'm super envious of alcoholics.

551
00:27:35,612 --> 00:27:37,906
Cause that's the only disease
that gets glorified that way.

552
00:27:38,615 --> 00:27:41,493
That's never happened with my disease.
Never happened with my addiction.

553
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:44,579
I'm never going to be at a party
and some guy comes out with a stethoscope

554
00:27:44,663 --> 00:27:45,914
and a Velcro cuff.

555
00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:54,673
"Let's get everybody's blood pressure!"

556
00:27:55,590 --> 00:27:57,592
"Stav, Stav, Stav, Stav."

557
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,096
"190 over 90. Holy shit."

558
00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:06,017
I'm just shotgunning
Yoo-hoo's the whole time.

559
00:28:06,893 --> 00:28:08,561
"Let's fucking go."

560
00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:12,816
I can tell I'm gaining weight
because the places I can shop,

561
00:28:12,899 --> 00:28:14,275
the list keeps shrinking.

562
00:28:14,943 --> 00:28:17,028
Like, say goodbye to Macy's, The Gap.

563
00:28:17,112 --> 00:28:19,823
I'm clinging on to Old Navy
for dear life right now.

564
00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:23,743
I'm in Walmart. I'm a king in Walmart.

565
00:28:24,994 --> 00:28:27,247
I've been doing
a little too much of my clothes shopping

566
00:28:27,330 --> 00:28:29,374
in a place that also sells motor oil.

567
00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:35,338
The final frontier
when you're gaining weight as a man

568
00:28:35,422 --> 00:28:36,840
is the big and tall store.

569
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,801
Uh, and the big and tall store
is a lot like hypothermia.

570
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,138
Because at the end of hypothermia
you stop feeling cold

571
00:28:43,221 --> 00:28:45,765
and your body just starts
feeling warm and awesome.

572
00:28:46,433 --> 00:28:49,519
You know, it's basically
just telling you to give up. Uh-huh.

573
00:28:50,103 --> 00:28:52,105
That's what
the big and tall store is like.

574
00:28:52,689 --> 00:28:55,275
"Hey, buddy, come on. What are you doing?
Get in here. Come on."

575
00:28:56,651 --> 00:29:00,113
"Stop fighting it. Come on, what is that?"
What are you, counting calories?"

576
00:29:00,196 --> 00:29:02,949
"You can gain 100 pounds and
we got shirts in here, buddy. Come on."

577
00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:04,409
"Come on."

578
00:29:04,492 --> 00:29:06,786
"You're the least fat guy
in this store. Come on."

579
00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:12,333
It rules. It's nice.

580
00:29:12,417 --> 00:29:14,919
These pants are literally
from the big and tall store.

581
00:29:16,921 --> 00:29:19,674
It's nice being the least fat guy
in a store, I have to admit.

582
00:29:20,425 --> 00:29:22,761
I feel like an heiress
at the big and tall store.

583
00:29:23,928 --> 00:29:27,557
I'm like, "Hmm. These only come in 5X."

584
00:29:29,392 --> 00:29:32,604
"Nothing for my dainty little 2XL frame?"

585
00:29:35,190 --> 00:29:37,233
"Daddy won't be pleased."

586
00:29:40,528 --> 00:29:41,571
Yeah.

587
00:29:41,654 --> 00:29:43,573
The toilets, by the way,
at the big and tall store

588
00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:44,783
deserve the Purple Heart.

589
00:29:44,866 --> 00:29:46,117
I don't know if you've...

590
00:29:47,869 --> 00:29:50,872
I've never felt worse
for an inanimate object in my life.

591
00:29:52,248 --> 00:29:56,085
Those boys are bolted into
the ground deep, I'll tell you that much.

592
00:29:56,169 --> 00:29:58,129
That is not a standard bolt job.

593
00:29:58,213 --> 00:30:00,381
I'm willing to bet my life on that.

594
00:30:02,842 --> 00:30:05,303
They treat you nice
at the big and tall store. You know?

595
00:30:05,386 --> 00:30:08,389
I mean, there's never any sales.
They're like, "Okay, go somewhere else."

596
00:30:08,473 --> 00:30:09,724
But still, they...

597
00:30:10,433 --> 00:30:12,143
They know they got you. But still...

598
00:30:12,852 --> 00:30:14,354
The vibes are nice.

599
00:30:15,688 --> 00:30:18,149
They're doing something really funny
at the big and tall store,

600
00:30:18,233 --> 00:30:19,943
where there used to be two cuts.

601
00:30:20,026 --> 00:30:22,779
You know, the tall cut?
A little extra length, right?

602
00:30:22,862 --> 00:30:24,405
And then there's the big cut.

603
00:30:24,531 --> 00:30:26,199
And we all know what big means.

604
00:30:26,282 --> 00:30:27,826
Somebody calls me "big guy,"

605
00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:30,078
it's like, all right, man,
well, I'm 5'7", so...

606
00:30:31,496 --> 00:30:34,082
I see what
you're getting at with that one.

607
00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:39,712
But you gotta call it something, right?
So call it the big cut. Um...

608
00:30:39,796 --> 00:30:43,216
Except some brands have
started calling it the "prominent cut."

609
00:30:44,676 --> 00:30:46,261
That's really funny, right?

610
00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:48,763
Imagine you set me up
on a blind date with someone,

611
00:30:48,847 --> 00:30:51,641
you're like, "You are gonna love him.
He is really prominent."

612
00:30:54,269 --> 00:30:56,563
"Oh my God, is he a senator? Is he a...

613
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,065
"Is he a CEO?"

614
00:30:59,148 --> 00:31:01,943
"No, he's had dessert
every day for four months."

615
00:31:03,069 --> 00:31:04,028
"Yeah."

616
00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:07,156
"His doctor says
he's morbidly prominent, actually."

617
00:31:10,535 --> 00:31:12,662
I find myself getting
in the fat zone mentally

618
00:31:12,745 --> 00:31:14,205
a lot these days.

619
00:31:14,289 --> 00:31:15,790
Like, I find myself just getting high

620
00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:18,001
and replying to restaurant's
Instagram stories.

621
00:31:19,836 --> 00:31:21,504
I used to flirt with girls on there,

622
00:31:21,588 --> 00:31:24,549
now I just see a picture of ribs.
I'm like, "Oh my God..."

623
00:31:24,632 --> 00:31:25,800
"Oh man."

624
00:31:27,969 --> 00:31:30,763
"Those look succulent." [chuckles]

625
00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:35,101
Wake up, I've been left on read
by a Korean barbecue restaurant.

626
00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:40,690
It's hard. It's hard getting so fat

627
00:31:40,773 --> 00:31:43,776
you can't comfortably
watch yourself get head anymore.

628
00:31:44,611 --> 00:31:47,530
I feel like I'm behind
the tall guy at a concert now.

629
00:31:50,658 --> 00:31:53,077
"Buddy, come on.
What the fuck, dude? Come on."

630
00:31:55,788 --> 00:31:57,749
I need the same setup your barber uses

631
00:31:57,832 --> 00:32:00,543
to show you the back of your head.
You know, I need like a...

632
00:32:03,171 --> 00:32:05,006
[crowd cheering]

633
00:32:05,089 --> 00:32:07,759
"Oh, shit. That's good."

634
00:32:10,261 --> 00:32:12,305
"That's nice technique right there."

635
00:32:13,264 --> 00:32:14,390
[chuckles]

636
00:32:16,225 --> 00:32:17,101
[chuckling]

637
00:32:17,185 --> 00:32:18,186
I do wanna lose weight,

638
00:32:18,269 --> 00:32:20,271
but I want to lose weight
to feel better, you know?

639
00:32:20,355 --> 00:32:22,857
It's not about how I look,
because honestly, I think I look sick.

640
00:32:22,941 --> 00:32:24,651
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah, thanks.

641
00:32:25,693 --> 00:32:27,362
I appreciate it. Thank you.

642
00:32:28,071 --> 00:32:29,030
I do. I...

643
00:32:29,989 --> 00:32:31,991
Legitimately, I look
in the mirror every day like,

644
00:32:32,075 --> 00:32:34,577
"Damn, that's a fucking stud
right there, boy."

645
00:32:35,328 --> 00:32:37,872
"That's a little
pussy-eating rascal right there, dude."

646
00:32:39,749 --> 00:32:41,834
I like the way I look, dude.
I like being fat.

647
00:32:42,335 --> 00:32:43,336
I like my hair.

648
00:32:43,419 --> 00:32:45,755
I like looking like a henchman
in a Steven Seagal movie.

649
00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:48,383
This is a powerful look.

650
00:32:48,466 --> 00:32:51,511
A lot of you motherfuckers would crumble
under the weight of this look.

651
00:32:54,847 --> 00:32:56,224
I like being short, too.

652
00:32:56,307 --> 00:32:57,642
Five-seven's fun.

653
00:32:57,725 --> 00:33:00,353
You have a lot of power
as a short man if you accept it.

654
00:33:00,853 --> 00:33:02,063
Yeah, for real.

655
00:33:02,772 --> 00:33:05,358
Truly, you can fuck
with your friends so easily.

656
00:33:06,109 --> 00:33:08,277
Just pick a guy
that's two inches taller than you,

657
00:33:08,361 --> 00:33:11,239
claim you're the same height,
watch what happens.

658
00:33:12,865 --> 00:33:15,243
"What the fuck, dude?
No, I'm fucking tall. Huh?"

659
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,414
"Yeah, dude, life is
kind of hard for guys like us, isn't it?"

660
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:21,374
[giggles]

661
00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:24,877
He will disintegrate, I promise you.

662
00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:29,340
Any women in here
with short kings tonight?

663
00:33:29,424 --> 00:33:31,718
- [women yelling]
- Nice. Thank you.

664
00:33:31,801 --> 00:33:34,095
Thank you for what
you're doing for the community, girls.

665
00:33:35,179 --> 00:33:36,889
I want that to be the next trend.

666
00:33:36,973 --> 00:33:38,766
I want that to be the next wave,

667
00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:40,560
women with little guys.

668
00:33:41,728 --> 00:33:43,396
Yeah, and I'm talking small, by the way.

669
00:33:43,479 --> 00:33:46,858
I'm talking pick him up
and suck him off. I'm talking...

670
00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:51,404
I'm talking both hands
on his butt cheeks, just...

671
00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:57,410
Legs dangling like
he's on a rollercoaster.

672
00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,872
Up there like a little scarecrow. Just...

673
00:34:08,129 --> 00:34:10,298
That's my dream, dude.
I'm trying to get 'crowed out.

674
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,429
I need a female bodybuilder
with something to prove.

675
00:34:20,183 --> 00:34:21,851
Anybody here been
with a strong girl before?

676
00:34:21,934 --> 00:34:24,103
Like, a bodybuilder,
CrossFit, anything like that?

677
00:34:24,187 --> 00:34:26,898
- [man whooping]
- Yeah? How'd it go? Where'd you meet her?

678
00:34:26,981 --> 00:34:28,149
[man] Uh, Facebook.

679
00:34:28,232 --> 00:34:31,277
Facebook? Oh, nice. What group?

680
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:32,487
What are you doing?

681
00:34:33,321 --> 00:34:35,782
Were you looking actively
for a strong girl?

682
00:34:35,865 --> 00:34:37,784
- Yes, but I...
- Hell yeah, dude.

683
00:34:41,370 --> 00:34:43,164
Yeah, that fucking rules.

684
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:47,168
This guy's pretending he needs help
with his deadlift form to get pussy.

685
00:34:47,251 --> 00:34:49,337
He's like, "Well...
I don't know what it is."

686
00:34:49,420 --> 00:34:50,755
"Are my knees not back enough?"

687
00:34:52,757 --> 00:34:55,718
Nice, dude. And you guys went on a date?
You hooked up? What?

688
00:34:55,802 --> 00:34:57,804
[man] So, we were on a date.
Everything was cool.

689
00:34:57,887 --> 00:34:58,763
Okay.

690
00:34:58,846 --> 00:35:02,517
I was kind of nervous
to, like, be aggressive with her.

691
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,144
Sure, because she was
stronger than you, right? Yeah,

692
00:35:05,853 --> 00:35:08,356
It was the first time
it wasn't a sure thing, huh?

693
00:35:08,439 --> 00:35:10,399
[laughing]

694
00:35:10,483 --> 00:35:13,277
It doesn't feel good being
in a fight that isn't fixed, huh, pal?

695
00:35:13,861 --> 00:35:15,655
[laughing]

696
00:35:16,197 --> 00:35:19,575
You whisper, "I'm going to need you
to take a dive in the second round."

697
00:35:19,659 --> 00:35:21,452
[crowd applauding]

698
00:35:21,536 --> 00:35:23,538
"My masculinity needs this."

699
00:35:24,747 --> 00:35:26,040
So, what were the dynamics?

700
00:35:26,124 --> 00:35:28,167
I mean... I just... I...

701
00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:29,502
Hold on. Shh.

702
00:35:29,585 --> 00:35:31,546
I know he's flustered,
but give him a chance.

703
00:35:32,255 --> 00:35:34,549
She's not here.
She can't hurt you anymore. Don't worry.

704
00:35:37,927 --> 00:35:41,973
[laughing]

705
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:44,350
So, I eat dick pills like they're candy.

706
00:35:44,433 --> 00:35:47,019
You take dick pill.
Okay, so you were dick-pilled up.

707
00:35:47,103 --> 00:35:50,231
Just your penis
wasn't even a dick anymore.

708
00:35:50,314 --> 00:35:52,275
It was more like
a weapon you were welding.

709
00:35:52,859 --> 00:35:54,277
And it was your only line of defense

710
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:56,237
against this woman
that's much stronger than you.

711
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:58,447
"Watch out. I've got a hard dick."

712
00:35:59,907 --> 00:36:02,869
"You and those
giant biceps, back up, lady!"

713
00:36:03,494 --> 00:36:04,871
[laughing]

714
00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:08,082
"There is so much Cialis
in here right now, bitch."

715
00:36:11,460 --> 00:36:14,338
Okay, so you're hard but nervous,
is what you're saying...

716
00:36:14,422 --> 00:36:15,715
[laughing]

717
00:36:15,798 --> 00:36:17,842
...which is a very funny combination to be.

718
00:36:18,634 --> 00:36:20,928
[trembling] Hand shaking, dick on cobalt.

719
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:21,888
[laughs]

720
00:36:22,388 --> 00:36:24,849
That's awesome, dude.
So you're hard but you're sweating. Okay.

721
00:36:24,932 --> 00:36:27,476
I ended up getting scared
because I couldn't breathe at one point

722
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:29,520
and I couldn't let her know
that was happening.

723
00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:30,897
[laughs]

724
00:36:31,439 --> 00:36:33,524
You had to tap during sex.

725
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:35,651
[laughing]

726
00:36:35,735 --> 00:36:37,403
She had you in a kimura, dude.

727
00:36:37,486 --> 00:36:38,779
[laughing]

728
00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:42,283
Dude, scared with a hard dick
is one of the worst combinations

729
00:36:42,366 --> 00:36:44,785
I've ever heard in my life. [laughing]

730
00:36:45,411 --> 00:36:48,289
But you survived it.
You made it out and did everybody bust?

731
00:36:48,372 --> 00:36:50,917
- Uh, yes.
- Wow, okay. That's good. Yeah.

732
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,002
[crowd cheering]

733
00:36:55,254 --> 00:36:56,297
[chuckling]

734
00:36:57,715 --> 00:36:59,800
You were on all fours
and she pulled your dick back

735
00:36:59,884 --> 00:37:01,594
and fucked you doggy-style like that.

736
00:37:01,677 --> 00:37:03,679
[laughing]

737
00:37:04,639 --> 00:37:05,973
That's how you "made her cum."

738
00:37:06,057 --> 00:37:07,516
[laughing]

739
00:37:08,476 --> 00:37:09,602
That's beautiful, man.

740
00:37:09,685 --> 00:37:12,772
That's a beautiful love story
that you got going on there.

741
00:37:12,855 --> 00:37:14,065
[laughs]

742
00:37:14,774 --> 00:37:17,443
Yeah. I, uh... That's nice.
I hooked up with a strong girl once.

743
00:37:17,526 --> 00:37:20,071
She was much stronger than me.
She was a bodybuilder.

744
00:37:20,154 --> 00:37:21,155
Um, it was awesome.

745
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:24,909
I was going down on her. I just had
these giant thighs wrapped around my head.

746
00:37:24,992 --> 00:37:26,577
I started seeing black spots.

747
00:37:26,661 --> 00:37:29,789
I was like, "Oh my God.
If I don't make this woman cum,

748
00:37:29,872 --> 00:37:30,915
I'm going to die."

749
00:37:32,875 --> 00:37:36,587
There's a real thrill to
eating pussy under duress, I have to say.

750
00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:40,841
I felt like I was on
the bomb squad, you know?

751
00:37:41,968 --> 00:37:43,636
I was like, "Uh..."

752
00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:47,556
"Uh..."

753
00:37:49,392 --> 00:37:50,393
"Oh fuck."

754
00:37:53,562 --> 00:37:56,565
It felt like the squirt locker in there.
You know what I'm saying?

755
00:37:59,151 --> 00:38:01,028
[chuckles] Yeah.

756
00:38:02,822 --> 00:38:04,782
I haven't always
been this confident in my body.

757
00:38:04,865 --> 00:38:06,117
I'll admit that. You know?

758
00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:08,536
When I was younger,
I was very self-conscious. Um...

759
00:38:08,619 --> 00:38:11,080
The irony is
that's when I looked the best. You know?

760
00:38:11,163 --> 00:38:14,000
When I was 18, I was a little chubby,
but I was a handsome kid.

761
00:38:14,083 --> 00:38:16,544
Like, if you showed
18-year-old me a picture of me now,

762
00:38:16,627 --> 00:38:18,129
he would start crying.

763
00:38:18,212 --> 00:38:19,463
He would be like,

764
00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:21,924
"What?"

765
00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:26,012
"We never got it together?"

766
00:38:27,638 --> 00:38:31,350
It's like, "No, buddy, it's not
what it looks like. Life rules."

767
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:34,562
"We don't own a diner, I promise you."

768
00:38:36,772 --> 00:38:38,524
I used to think, when I was younger,

769
00:38:38,607 --> 00:38:40,818
I thought my body
would ruin my relationships.

770
00:38:40,901 --> 00:38:43,487
And it turns out
it's my personality that does that.

771
00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:46,365
I've learned that lesson
over and over again.

772
00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:50,244
I'm pretty sad.
I can't get over the last girl I dated.

773
00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:53,414
It's been a while.
I'm still kind of sad about it.

774
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:57,293
Anybody here going through it,
a break-up, heartache, anything like that?

775
00:38:58,044 --> 00:39:00,463
You? What's going on, dude?
Freshly broken up with?

776
00:39:01,088 --> 00:39:02,673
Or you broke up with someone?

777
00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:04,800
- [man 2] A little bit of both.
- Little bit of both.

778
00:39:04,884 --> 00:39:06,385
Okay, I'm going to guess

779
00:39:06,469 --> 00:39:07,887
you got broken up with.

780
00:39:09,555 --> 00:39:11,974
It's not your fault,
but usually it's pretty definitive

781
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:14,060
if we're really honest with ourselves. So...

782
00:39:14,810 --> 00:39:16,520
The person saying "it's complicated"

783
00:39:16,604 --> 00:39:19,231
usually is the one
that got broken up with.

784
00:39:19,315 --> 00:39:22,318
But when you say a little bit of both,
give me the nuance that I...

785
00:39:22,401 --> 00:39:23,944
doubt was actually there.

786
00:39:25,363 --> 00:39:27,448
She said the words, I kind of finished it.

787
00:39:27,990 --> 00:39:30,034
[Stavros] Okay, great. Awesome. So...

788
00:39:30,117 --> 00:39:31,327
What you're saying is

789
00:39:31,410 --> 00:39:33,996
someone was in the middle
of breaking up with you

790
00:39:35,414 --> 00:39:38,167
and she's like,
"Brian, I don't love you anymore."

791
00:39:38,250 --> 00:39:39,877
"Me neither. I don't love you, actually."

792
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,797
"Actually, I'm the one who doesn't
love you, so it's fucking cool. Ha-ha."

793
00:39:43,297 --> 00:39:44,590
"Wow, that was kind of awesome."

794
00:39:44,673 --> 00:39:46,842
"We both think
the same thing at the same time."

795
00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:50,054
"So, yeah, get out of here now!"

796
00:39:50,554 --> 00:39:52,556
[laughing]

797
00:39:53,057 --> 00:39:54,642
That's awesome. I'm sorry to shatter

798
00:39:54,725 --> 00:39:58,521
your very thinly held reality just now,

799
00:39:58,604 --> 00:40:01,357
but you 100% got broken up with.

800
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:02,608
[laughing]

801
00:40:02,691 --> 00:40:03,818
You finished it!

802
00:40:03,901 --> 00:40:06,779
I've been there, too.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to shit on you.

803
00:40:06,862 --> 00:40:08,906
I do, because you're dumb, but...

804
00:40:08,989 --> 00:40:10,116
[laughing]

805
00:40:10,199 --> 00:40:13,285
You're protecting yourself.
It's okay. We all have to do that. Um...

806
00:40:14,161 --> 00:40:15,788
How long were you guys together?

807
00:40:15,871 --> 00:40:17,248
- Three and half years.
- Damn.

808
00:40:17,331 --> 00:40:18,582
Yeah. How old are you?

809
00:40:18,666 --> 00:40:20,751
- Thirty-three tomorrow.
- Yeah, that's a tough...

810
00:40:20,835 --> 00:40:22,545
Oh, tomorrow, damn, sorry.

811
00:40:23,379 --> 00:40:24,755
[laughing]

812
00:40:24,839 --> 00:40:28,008
Let's go celebrate the birthday.

813
00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:32,346
Get away from the traumatic breakup
that I'm still lying to myself about.

814
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:34,557
I'm sure it won't come up,

815
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,892
and I'll have
a beautiful night of laughter.

816
00:40:37,518 --> 00:40:39,645
[laughing]

817
00:40:41,188 --> 00:40:44,024
[crowd applauding, cheering]

818
00:40:47,153 --> 00:40:49,155
It's for the best, babe. Don't worry.

819
00:40:49,822 --> 00:40:51,657
Well, listen, can
somebody suck this guy off?

820
00:40:51,740 --> 00:40:53,451
It's his birthday tomorrow. Come on.

821
00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:56,245
[crowd whistling, cheering]

822
00:40:57,455 --> 00:40:59,290
And that goes
for anybody watching at home.

823
00:40:59,373 --> 00:41:01,667
We'll have his email address
at the end credits.

824
00:41:04,670 --> 00:41:06,338
You guys ever been so heartbroken

825
00:41:06,422 --> 00:41:08,757
that you've had
to confront your own racism?

826
00:41:08,841 --> 00:41:10,676
Has that ever happened to you guys?

827
00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:14,472
There's a girl that broke up with me.
She's Korean, right?

828
00:41:14,555 --> 00:41:16,474
And when it happened,
I was really devastated

829
00:41:16,557 --> 00:41:18,267
because I realized I took her for granted,

830
00:41:18,350 --> 00:41:20,978
and we could've had a really
nice relationship, but I fucked it up.

831
00:41:21,061 --> 00:41:24,064
So I was so devastated.
I was like, I'm just going to get high.

832
00:41:24,148 --> 00:41:26,192
I'm just gonna watch
some Netflix for like a week.

833
00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:28,527
I'm gonna let this wash over me, right?

834
00:41:28,611 --> 00:41:30,779
I was like, "All right,
let me watch something fun."

835
00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:33,073
"I haven't seen <i>Squid Games</i> yet.
Let me check this out."

836
00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:36,577
And I could not watch <i>Squid Games</i>

837
00:41:36,660 --> 00:41:40,206
because just seeing
any Korean person made me sad.

838
00:41:41,624 --> 00:41:43,542
Which is ridiculous. I know that.

839
00:41:44,084 --> 00:41:46,212
A white woman's never
broken up with me, and I'm like,

840
00:41:47,046 --> 00:41:48,380
"No more <i>Frasier."</i>

841
00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:53,219
A Black girl's never
called it off and I'm like,

842
00:41:53,302 --> 00:41:55,429
"There goes the NBA this season."

843
00:41:58,766 --> 00:42:00,559
"See you next October, Giannis."

844
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:05,814
I don't know what to do now.
I think I might try being a side bitch.

845
00:42:05,898 --> 00:42:07,024
That seems kind of fun.

846
00:42:07,691 --> 00:42:09,193
No one's really cheating with me now,

847
00:42:09,276 --> 00:42:11,654
but I am monitoring a couple situations.

848
00:42:15,241 --> 00:42:17,493
Ever see a girl you like
post something with her boyfriend,

849
00:42:17,576 --> 00:42:20,079
you just wanna give it
a thumbs down? Just be like, "No!"

850
00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:22,581
"Stop hitting milestones with him."

851
00:42:22,665 --> 00:42:24,708
"You're on my sexual watch list."

852
00:42:27,169 --> 00:42:30,464
I'm just camped out
at the building across from her DMs, just...

853
00:42:30,548 --> 00:42:31,840
Just waiting. Just...

854
00:42:34,468 --> 00:42:38,806
"Oh. Uh-oh, crying selfie.
'Men ain't shit.' Take the shot!"

855
00:42:39,682 --> 00:42:42,560
"You're beautiful queen,
I would never treat you like that!"

856
00:42:45,062 --> 00:42:48,232
"It's none of my business,
but you deserve so much better."

857
00:42:49,608 --> 00:42:51,860
"Do you like the Cheesecake Factory?"

858
00:42:53,487 --> 00:42:54,738
And now we wait.

859
00:42:56,782 --> 00:42:59,827
[chuckles] I'm trying
to be better about dating in general.

860
00:42:59,910 --> 00:43:02,037
I was kind of a dickhead in my 20s.

861
00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:05,708
Just kind of inconsiderate,
bad at communicating.

862
00:43:05,791 --> 00:43:09,169
And it's funny the mental gymnastics
you'll go through to convince yourself

863
00:43:09,253 --> 00:43:11,630
you're not mistreating
a woman, as a dirtbag.

864
00:43:12,339 --> 00:43:14,425
Like, "Well, I see her
three times a week."

865
00:43:14,508 --> 00:43:18,137
"I've met her mom.
I bust inside every time, but...

866
00:43:18,846 --> 00:43:21,015
she knows it ain't that serious. I mean..."

867
00:43:22,099 --> 00:43:25,019
Come on, I never send her
any heart emojis. She gets it.

868
00:43:26,395 --> 00:43:28,939
That's really what I thought
was clear communication, no hearts.

869
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:31,066
So I was like,
"Well, we're not serious. No hearts."

870
00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:33,902
Which is so dumb, right?

871
00:43:34,486 --> 00:43:36,363
Imagine you wake up next to someone,

872
00:43:36,864 --> 00:43:39,533
have a beautiful morning,
talk about your hopes and dreams,

873
00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:42,536
and then an hour later you just
hit her with the hang loose emoji.

874
00:43:42,620 --> 00:43:45,748
You're like, "Hope you got home safe."

875
00:43:45,831 --> 00:43:46,874
Surfing guy.

876
00:43:48,667 --> 00:43:49,752
[chuckles]

877
00:43:50,502 --> 00:43:51,670
So dumb.

878
00:43:53,130 --> 00:43:54,673
I'm kinda all over the place right now.

879
00:43:54,757 --> 00:43:56,967
I'm dating a lot of girls
in open relationships.

880
00:43:57,051 --> 00:43:59,595
It's pretty fun. Yeah, it's fun.
It's like a girlfriend Airbnb.

881
00:43:59,678 --> 00:44:01,013
Where it's like,

882
00:44:01,096 --> 00:44:03,932
"Well, I'm not on the lease,
but I'll pop in for the weekend."

883
00:44:06,101 --> 00:44:08,604
Sometimes it's great.
Sometimes you've made a new friend

884
00:44:08,687 --> 00:44:10,064
and she'll have sex with you.

885
00:44:10,147 --> 00:44:12,650
That's a pretty cool friend
in my book, but...

886
00:44:14,068 --> 00:44:15,611
Yeah, sometimes it can go wrong.

887
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:18,322
I thought I really
wanted to be sexualized.

888
00:44:18,405 --> 00:44:20,491
I was like,
"I want to be treated like an object."

889
00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:24,078
And then it happened to me,
and it fucked me up, to be honest.

890
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:26,955
I was with this girl
in an open relationship,

891
00:44:27,039 --> 00:44:28,666
she was into fat guys, straight up.

892
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:31,043
She was using me for my body. Um...

893
00:44:31,126 --> 00:44:33,045
She was gonna come over,
we were gonna have sex,

894
00:44:33,128 --> 00:44:34,630
that was the whole plan.

895
00:44:34,713 --> 00:44:36,590
But, you know, I'm a good host. Right?

896
00:44:36,674 --> 00:44:40,135
I'm going to put out a couple snacks,
a little wine, you know?

897
00:44:41,553 --> 00:44:44,973
So she comes over, we start chatting,
I start getting to know her a little bit.

898
00:44:45,057 --> 00:44:47,768
And I can tell that
she's instantly annoyed with me.

899
00:44:48,602 --> 00:44:50,604
I'm like, "Pfft. Okay, I guess I'll...

900
00:44:51,230 --> 00:44:53,524
pull my penis out." And...

901
00:44:54,900 --> 00:44:57,319
five minutes later I'm getting head
and I'm just like...

902
00:45:03,492 --> 00:45:06,870
"You know, she didn't even touch
the Greek salad I made for her. I mean..."

903
00:45:08,789 --> 00:45:10,874
"Have an olive for Christ's sake."

904
00:45:12,418 --> 00:45:14,753
[sighs] "Those were heirloom tomatoes."

905
00:45:16,588 --> 00:45:18,757
"You know, I really should
put this in some Tupperware,

906
00:45:18,841 --> 00:45:20,342
give me a second here."

907
00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:22,010
[chuckles]

908
00:45:22,845 --> 00:45:24,972
I do want to be in
a serious relationship though,

909
00:45:25,055 --> 00:45:26,473
I do want to give that a shot.

910
00:45:26,557 --> 00:45:28,308
Um, and I feel good about my odds.

911
00:45:28,392 --> 00:45:29,560
You know, I'm 34,

912
00:45:29,643 --> 00:45:31,812
it's about to be
divorce season for girls my age.

913
00:45:33,188 --> 00:45:34,022
Yeah.

914
00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:38,485
Yeah. I might get myself
a little certified pre-owned wife,

915
00:45:38,569 --> 00:45:39,570
you know?

916
00:45:41,655 --> 00:45:42,823
Show up at the wife store,

917
00:45:42,906 --> 00:45:45,325
the guy's like, "Buddy,
you're never going to believe this."

918
00:45:46,702 --> 00:45:49,663
"Last guy, closeted homosexual."

919
00:45:49,747 --> 00:45:52,249
"Barely put a dent in that pussy."

920
00:45:56,754 --> 00:45:58,130
"Oh my God."

921
00:45:59,006 --> 00:46:01,049
"I'll take her." [chuckles]

922
00:46:01,759 --> 00:46:03,010
"What a steal."

923
00:46:04,136 --> 00:46:05,637
[laughing]

924
00:46:05,721 --> 00:46:07,931
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not going to change my lifestyle.

925
00:46:08,015 --> 00:46:10,142
I'm still going
to be a fat little slut, but...

926
00:46:10,934 --> 00:46:13,187
somebody cool comes around,
great, we'll give it a shot.

927
00:46:13,270 --> 00:46:15,606
Until then, I'm going
to keep getting my titty sucked.

928
00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:20,110
You can take a slutty lifestyle
too far though, I'll admit that.

929
00:46:20,611 --> 00:46:23,405
I recently installed
a sex mirror in my home.

930
00:46:23,489 --> 00:46:24,364
Um...

931
00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:28,118
It was initially to open up the space,
I was reading some design blogs, but...

932
00:46:28,660 --> 00:46:31,997
still, I hung up this giant mirror
in my bedroom and I was like,

933
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:33,749
"Hey, wait a second,

934
00:46:33,832 --> 00:46:36,251
it'd be pretty cool
to watch yourself fuck in one of these."

935
00:46:36,335 --> 00:46:39,254
And it turns out it sucks, actually.

936
00:46:40,672 --> 00:46:41,882
I thought this'd be awesome,

937
00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:44,259
because in my head
I thought I fucked cool, you know?

938
00:46:44,927 --> 00:46:46,720
In my head, I thought I fucked like...

939
00:46:50,098 --> 00:46:52,476
Regal, powerful, you know?

940
00:46:53,393 --> 00:46:56,522
And then I watched myself
actually fuck in real-time,

941
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:59,733
and it looked a lot more
like a raccoon had tripped a floodlight.

942
00:47:01,568 --> 00:47:02,861
I was just like... [grunts]

943
00:47:03,487 --> 00:47:04,530
"Ah, no!"

944
00:47:06,156 --> 00:47:08,867
"No! That's what I look like? No!"

945
00:47:10,702 --> 00:47:13,705
Just sweaty, splotchy, hunched over,

946
00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:16,792
tits hanging low, dude.

947
00:47:16,875 --> 00:47:20,212
Like, a shape
I didn't know my tits could be.

948
00:47:20,295 --> 00:47:23,841
Just with the most pathetic little strokes

949
00:47:23,924 --> 00:47:25,843
you've ever seen in your life. Just...

950
00:47:26,426 --> 00:47:30,848
[grunting rhythmically]

951
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:32,683
My face just like...

952
00:47:32,766 --> 00:47:34,351
[smacking lips, grunting]

953
00:47:36,311 --> 00:47:38,856
Like, that's what
women see when they fuck me?

954
00:47:38,939 --> 00:47:41,692
They see that and they're like,
"Hell yeah, dude, nice."

955
00:47:44,027 --> 00:47:45,320
It's crazy.

956
00:47:50,826 --> 00:47:52,661
I don't, uh, I don't really have a type,

957
00:47:52,744 --> 00:47:54,872
but I feel like
I'm a certain people's type.

958
00:47:55,455 --> 00:47:57,541
A lot of bi girls are into me,

959
00:47:57,624 --> 00:48:00,043
which, yeah, I love it, it's fun.

960
00:48:00,127 --> 00:48:03,171
Um, there's no real pressure
to stay hard, you know?

961
00:48:06,383 --> 00:48:09,469
It's like, "Well, looks like
we're just a couple of lesbians now."

962
00:48:09,553 --> 00:48:10,721
[chuckling]

963
00:48:11,471 --> 00:48:12,431
It's like...

964
00:48:14,892 --> 00:48:17,853
"Looks like we're gonna be
finger-popping all night, baby girl."

965
00:48:20,188 --> 00:48:22,774
If you do hook up with people
and you don't know them very well,

966
00:48:22,858 --> 00:48:24,818
you should use a condom, of course.

967
00:48:24,902 --> 00:48:27,613
Sometimes a condom breaks though,
and that's very scary.

968
00:48:28,155 --> 00:48:28,989
Um...

969
00:48:29,072 --> 00:48:30,282
Except at first.

970
00:48:34,077 --> 00:48:36,121
Because at first you're like,

971
00:48:36,872 --> 00:48:39,958
"Whoa, she just did
something really cool. What?"

972
00:48:41,668 --> 00:48:44,254
"Did she just hit
the NOS button on her pussy?"

973
00:48:45,964 --> 00:48:48,342
[imitates rocket booster] Whoa, dude.

974
00:48:48,425 --> 00:48:49,384
Ah!

975
00:48:49,885 --> 00:48:52,429
"I feel like Paul Walker right now, dude."

976
00:48:53,764 --> 00:48:54,973
[laughs]

977
00:48:58,477 --> 00:49:01,188
Anybody here doing anything fun?
Anybody here pegging, getting pegged,

978
00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:02,689
- any of that?
- [scattered cheers]

979
00:49:02,773 --> 00:49:05,400
Yeah, we got
some peggers in the crowd? Nice.

980
00:49:06,068 --> 00:49:07,444
I've never been pegged.

981
00:49:07,527 --> 00:49:10,197
I'm not against it.
I'm just saving it for marriage.

982
00:49:11,865 --> 00:49:14,785
I just feel like the first person
who fucks my ass should be my wife.

983
00:49:14,868 --> 00:49:16,536
Call me old-fashioned.

984
00:49:18,789 --> 00:49:21,249
What can I say?
I was raised Greek Orthodox.

985
00:49:23,627 --> 00:49:26,546
Greek Orthodox means
I'm also uncircumcised.

986
00:49:26,630 --> 00:49:28,632
- [woman yelling]
- Yeah. Nice. We've got...

987
00:49:29,257 --> 00:49:31,760
We've got a fan in the building. Thanks.

988
00:49:32,678 --> 00:49:33,971
- Yeah.
- [indistinct yelling]

989
00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:35,222
Nice. That's...

990
00:49:35,305 --> 00:49:37,224
Okay, hang out. Stick around. Uh...

991
00:49:38,809 --> 00:49:39,977
[laughing]

992
00:49:42,104 --> 00:49:44,231
You know, some people, there's a stigma

993
00:49:44,314 --> 00:49:45,816
not for some people. You know...

994
00:49:45,899 --> 00:49:47,275
She's all for it.

995
00:49:47,359 --> 00:49:49,444
I've never really
experienced any problems.

996
00:49:49,528 --> 00:49:51,780
One girl wouldn't give me head
because I'm uncircumcised,

997
00:49:51,863 --> 00:49:54,157
and that felt
like discrimination. You know?

998
00:49:54,783 --> 00:49:57,577
That's no way to treat
a proud Mediterranean-American.

999
00:49:59,371 --> 00:50:01,581
For the most part,
people are cool, you know?

1000
00:50:01,665 --> 00:50:05,419
For the most part, if I get any reaction,
what I get is interest and surprise.

1001
00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:10,132
Like, I get what happens if you give
a white trash person sushi, you know?

1002
00:50:10,632 --> 00:50:11,717
Like, uh...

1003
00:50:16,179 --> 00:50:19,558
[mumbling] "Oh! That's pretty good."

1004
00:50:20,475 --> 00:50:23,645
[laughing]

1005
00:50:26,398 --> 00:50:29,901
There was one time, though, where
my uncircumcised penis was a problem.

1006
00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:32,362
This was very early on
in my sexual career.

1007
00:50:32,446 --> 00:50:34,072
This was with my college girlfriend.

1008
00:50:34,156 --> 00:50:35,907
And it was my fault, I'll be honest.

1009
00:50:35,991 --> 00:50:37,909
I don't have a good uncircumcised penis.

1010
00:50:37,993 --> 00:50:40,412
I have a finicky penis. Uh...

1011
00:50:41,121 --> 00:50:42,622
Foreskin's a little too tight.

1012
00:50:42,706 --> 00:50:45,917
Think about trying to get
a fat toddler in a baby's turtleneck.

1013
00:50:46,001 --> 00:50:47,127
Like...

1014
00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:51,381
It won't go down all the way, you know?

1015
00:50:52,007 --> 00:50:54,926
My dick's always kind of hanging out
like this, "Like, what's up, dude?"

1016
00:50:57,763 --> 00:50:59,765
"What's going on, playboy?"

1017
00:51:02,517 --> 00:51:06,063
My dick's a lot like the neighbor
from <i>Home Improvement,</i> you know?

1018
00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:09,232
[chuckles]

1019
00:51:10,525 --> 00:51:11,568
So...

1020
00:51:12,402 --> 00:51:14,321
So, I'm with my college girlfriend,

1021
00:51:14,404 --> 00:51:16,490
she wanted to take things slow,
that was cool with me.

1022
00:51:16,573 --> 00:51:19,576
I didn't have sex in high school,
so I was like, "However long you need,

1023
00:51:19,659 --> 00:51:21,536
but eventually I get pussy.
Please. I need it."

1024
00:51:22,120 --> 00:51:25,665
Um... And things were going great.
We had a good relationship,

1025
00:51:25,749 --> 00:51:28,460
we really liked each other,
things were progressing nicely,

1026
00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:31,546
and eventually I had
amassed enough boyfriend tokens

1027
00:51:31,630 --> 00:51:32,839
to get jacked off.

1028
00:51:33,757 --> 00:51:36,676
Tried to trade them in,
I was like, "How about a blow job?"

1029
00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:37,886
She was like, "Hand job."

1030
00:51:37,969 --> 00:51:42,140
Like it was Chuck E. Cheese.
You're like, "Can I have that helicopter?"

1031
00:51:42,224 --> 00:51:43,767
"Vampire teeth! You know..."

1032
00:51:44,976 --> 00:51:47,187
"You know how many tickets you have, kid."

1033
00:51:49,064 --> 00:51:50,023
[chuckles]

1034
00:51:51,858 --> 00:51:54,778
Still, I was thrilled
to be getting a hand job, and...

1035
00:51:55,362 --> 00:51:57,781
So we're hooking up,
and it's not going great.

1036
00:51:57,864 --> 00:52:01,326
She hasn't seen a lot of dicks,
let alone a fucked up dick like mine.

1037
00:52:01,409 --> 00:52:05,163
And she doesn't have
the proper finesse approach it requires,

1038
00:52:05,247 --> 00:52:07,207
so any time I'm even close to coming,

1039
00:52:07,290 --> 00:52:09,292
she's just like yanks on it too hard,

1040
00:52:09,376 --> 00:52:10,794
and I'm just like... [yelps]

1041
00:52:10,877 --> 00:52:11,878
[laughs] You know?

1042
00:52:13,380 --> 00:52:16,007
And I don't have the self-esteem
at this point in my life to be like,

1043
00:52:16,091 --> 00:52:19,553
"Hey, um, this is one of the worst things
anyone's ever done to me."

1044
00:52:20,637 --> 00:52:22,055
"Can you please stop?"

1045
00:52:23,223 --> 00:52:26,768
So we're both just suffering
through this horrific hand job.

1046
00:52:26,852 --> 00:52:30,230
It's taking forever,
it's taking like 45 minutes, you know.

1047
00:52:30,313 --> 00:52:32,774
She switched arms a bunch of times.

1048
00:52:33,733 --> 00:52:36,027
I can see the fatigue in her eyes.

1049
00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:40,323
She's trying everything though,
to her credit. She's a real trooper.

1050
00:52:40,407 --> 00:52:43,535
At a certain point she just starts
jacking me off with her lower body,

1051
00:52:43,618 --> 00:52:47,289
where her hand is on my penis,
but all the locomotion is happening

1052
00:52:48,456 --> 00:52:49,583
with her legs.

1053
00:52:49,666 --> 00:52:50,584
You know?

1054
00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:53,795
She gives me like
a full body bounce at one point.

1055
00:52:53,879 --> 00:52:55,172
[moaning]

1056
00:52:57,591 --> 00:53:00,510
Finally, by some miracle,
I'm about to bust.

1057
00:53:00,594 --> 00:53:03,138
And I don't know
how your guy's dicks work,

1058
00:53:03,221 --> 00:53:06,224
but I have kind of
similar physics to a Super Soaker. So...

1059
00:53:06,933 --> 00:53:08,894
the more pumps, the more velocity,

1060
00:53:08,977 --> 00:53:13,106
and I've been getting pumped
or quite some time here.

1061
00:53:14,482 --> 00:53:17,944
So she's staring down
the barrel of my penis,

1062
00:53:18,028 --> 00:53:21,114
and I'm about to come,
and she can tell because I'm like,

1063
00:53:21,198 --> 00:53:24,117
"Yes, finally, finally,
yes, yes, please, please, please."

1064
00:53:24,868 --> 00:53:27,954
And, in that moment, she freaks out,

1065
00:53:28,038 --> 00:53:30,081
she maybe can sense
what's about to happen,

1066
00:53:30,165 --> 00:53:34,961
aims it away from her,
and I just get a rocket coming back at me.

1067
00:53:38,506 --> 00:53:40,383
And the first time
a woman ever made me come

1068
00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:42,052
it ended up in my own eye.

1069
00:53:46,973 --> 00:53:50,977
I'm just sitting there, I'm like,
"Uh, ha... Awesome."

1070
00:53:52,604 --> 00:53:55,148
"Exactly how I thought it would go."

1071
00:53:57,817 --> 00:54:01,404
I'm just sitting there watching
my little ass dick shrink in her hand.

1072
00:54:02,572 --> 00:54:05,533
And by the way,
I don't care that my dick is small, okay?

1073
00:54:05,617 --> 00:54:08,662
The bigger the dick, the closer to Hell,
as far as I'm concerned.

1074
00:54:09,871 --> 00:54:12,123
You and those danglers
dancing with the Devil.

1075
00:54:12,207 --> 00:54:13,124
Not me, baby.

1076
00:54:13,208 --> 00:54:16,795
I'm high and tight
near our dear Lord Jesus Christ.

1077
00:54:16,878 --> 00:54:19,130
[crowd cheering]

1078
00:54:19,214 --> 00:54:21,716
Thank you guys very much,
that's gonna do it for me.

1079
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:23,843
[cheering continues]

1080
00:54:23,927 --> 00:54:25,553
So sick, guys. Thank you.

1081
00:54:25,637 --> 00:54:28,890
["Let Me Show Em" by Mighty Mark playing]

1082
00:54:28,974 --> 00:54:31,601
Love you, guys. We'll see you next time.

1083
00:54:33,478 --> 00:54:36,648
<i>♪ It's star time
This man is made ♪</i>

1084
00:54:36,731 --> 00:54:39,192
<i>♪ He's killing all y'all jive turkeys ♪</i>

1085
00:54:41,111 --> 00:54:44,364
<i>♪ It's star time
This man is made ♪</i>

1086
00:54:44,447 --> 00:54:46,825
<i>♪ He's killing all y'all jive turkeys ♪</i>

1087
00:54:48,618 --> 00:54:51,496
[song continues]

1088
00:55:09,180 --> 00:55:11,975
[laughing]