1 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:03,680 That's all for today. Same time tomorrow? 2 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:06,720 Why not? See you at six. MADELINE CHUCKLES 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,760 And that's us off air. Thank you, studio. 4 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:13,160 Thanks very much. 5 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:16,920 Er, Jenny will see you off set. Was I OK with George? 6 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:18,960 Sorry, what? Pensions minister? 7 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,080 Hm? Well, did I get the right figures? 8 00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,480 Just a sec. What, are you looking it up? 9 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:25,360 No, no. BOTH CHUCKLE 10 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,080 How was the wedding? Wedding? 11 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,400 Er, your cousin's, wasn't it? Oh, yes, it was fine. 12 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,080 Was I OK with the pensions minister? 13 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:34,320 Yeah, of course. I mean, were my figures right? 14 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,120 Well, not yet, but we'll do some research. 15 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,920 Thanks. Babes. Nice one today. 16 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:40,520 Er, cheers. 17 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,480 Tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow. 18 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,400 Big one, was it? Big what? 19 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,480 The wedding, was it big? 20 00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:52,480 Well, yeah, I suppose. I left my coat somewhere. 21 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,080 Make-up. I put it in your dressing room. 22 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:57,400 Thanks. How many guests? 23 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,760 I don't know. 200, 300. 24 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,520 Oh, nice. So, er, just the right size, then. 25 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:03,920 Yeah. 26 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:06,560 Closer to two or three? I'm sorry? 27 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:09,200 Closer to 200 or 300, what would you say? 28 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:13,400 More than 300? 350? Is something wrong? 29 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,880 There's, er, been a tweet. What tweet? 30 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,000 This one. 31 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:22,320 Basically, you were overheard. Being a bit loud, were you? 32 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:25,040 Well, this is nothing. OK. Good. 33 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,360 I mean, it's nothing, isn't it? Is it? 34 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,320 Of course it's nothing. Well, that's a relief. I'm so glad. 35 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,360 I was at a family wedding, for God's sake. 36 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:33,760 Yeah, exactly, a family wedding. 37 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,680 Whose business is that? Nobody's business. 38 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,360 It's not even worth talking about. We don't have to talk about it. 39 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,040 Do you wanna talk about it? No. 40 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:44,440 Good. Good, then. Let's not do that, let's not talk about it. 41 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:22,600 Let's start with an account of what happened. 42 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:23,960 An honest account. 43 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,160 No, an account. We can move in the direction of honesty 44 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,640 once we've decided on the facts. In the direction of honesty? 45 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:30,880 I'm not ruling out honesty at this stage. 46 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:34,040 So, you were at the wedding, it's the evening do, it's late. 47 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,600 Er, I was a little drunk. 48 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,560 Not in my opinion. I'm sorry? 49 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:39,920 I disagree about you being drunk. You weren't there. 50 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,800 We're journalists, we're never there. 51 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,760 Having opinions about things we didn't witness 52 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,320 is the entire point of our existence. 53 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,440 We are the brave few who turn up after the event 54 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,560 and explain it to everyone else who missed it. 55 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,800 How do you get through the day being this cynical? 56 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,800 Unhurt. So, at some point, 57 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,200 surrounded by friends, probably laughing friends, 58 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,040 you made some sort of a joke. 59 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:00,840 A harmless joke. Harmless? 60 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:02,520 Yes, harmless, completely harmless. 61 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,800 "Overheard. Presenter Douglas Bellowes 62 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:08,160 "making an extremely sexist joke at a wedding party." I didn't... 63 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,760 "Disgusted." The tweeter doesn't seem to think it was harmless. 64 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:11,840 Why's that, do you think? 65 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,680 Because the tweeter is an idiot. Tell me more. 66 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:14,720 I don't know any more. 67 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,480 I didn't see her, I didn't even notice her. 68 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,160 But you know about the idiocy. I'm assuming the idiocy. 69 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,200 Because of a single tweet accusing you of sexism. 70 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,400 Yes! Ironically enough. 71 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,720 Ironically? Because you're also assuming the tweeter's a woman. 72 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,840 Oh, Christ! 73 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,720 Patrick Harland. Man, I'd say, wouldn't you? 74 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:33,120 Yes, that does seem likely. He/him. Sounds pretty sure. 75 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,240 What was the joke? I don't know. 76 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,360 You don't know? I don't remember what I said. 77 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:42,600 It was a wedding three days ago, I was drinking, why would I remember? 78 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:43,640 OK, I see. 79 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,920 So, you don't remember the joke, but you do remember it was harmless. 80 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,960 Yes. Just like you remember that someone you never even noticed 81 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,600 is an idiot and a woman, 82 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:55,120 just because she, oops, he remembers an event differently from you? 83 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,480 Yes! Even though you don't remember it at all? 84 00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,760 I'm just telling you the truth. Isn't that what you want? 85 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,080 Well, the truth is useful, yes, 86 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,240 but I'd prefer something a little more balanced. 87 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,520 We're in news, truth is only one side of the story. 88 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:09,120 This isn't news. It's going to be news - it's you. 89 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,560 Like it or not, Douglas, and I don't much, 90 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:13,320 there are a rare few in this world 91 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,880 who carry the burden of power and influence. 92 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:20,120 And five evenings a week, you walk into a television studio 93 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,240 and read out their names from an autocue. 94 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,160 Now, it's a fact that audiences, over time, 95 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,960 begin to associate television presenters with real people. 96 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,600 It's deluded, but it's inevitable. 97 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,240 In every crisis and natural disaster for the last ten years, 98 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:39,680 they've seen you, out there on the front line, introducing the footage. 99 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:43,800 For over a decade, your face has been the clear popular choice 100 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:47,920 for wars, famines, atrocities, and royals. 101 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,200 When a national treasure dies, it comes out of your mouth. 102 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,760 As far as our viewers are concerned, 103 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,760 your voice is what makes famous people dead. 104 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,760 So please use that instrument of death with care. 105 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,880 How many times do I have to tell you? When you're out in public, 106 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,360 when civilians can hear you, 107 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:05,440 you must be balanced, boring and bland. 108 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:09,320 You should be aspiring to net zero cognitive content. 109 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,160 Not slobbering out witticisms 110 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,680 like you've cornered the weather girl at the Christmas party. 111 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:14,960 Well, what about Madeline? 112 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,840 Madeline? She's all over social media. 113 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:19,280 She might see this. So what? 114 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,760 Well, she's... You know... What is she? 115 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,000 Well, she's... Sometimes, she's... 116 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,640 I'm holding my breath in terror at your next adjective, 117 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,200 and praying it will not refer to the fact that she's female. 118 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,720 Well, Madeline is... Madeline. Well done. 119 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,440 Net zero cognitive content? Verging on Thought For The Day. 120 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,600 Madeline will be fine. She adores you, you know that. 121 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:39,880 OK. Everyone knows that. 122 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,160 Sorry, what? He's got 300 followers! 123 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,240 Who has? Patrick Harland. 124 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,480 The tweeter. 300, well... That's nothing. 125 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,200 That's just friends and friends of friends and a bot farm in Russia. 126 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,720 He's getting retweeted. The retweets are getting retweeted. 127 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:52,800 It'll blow over. 128 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,280 Look, I've got a dinner thing, I'll talk to you later. 129 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,360 I've got it on live update. It's coming in waves now. 130 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,880 It's like being Michael Caine in Zulu. 131 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,200 It's nothing, it'll burn itself out. I'll see you. 132 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,160 Douglas. Seriously. What was the joke? 133 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,160 I really don't remember. 134 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,440 I hate jokes. Why can't people just say things? 135 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,920 Hey, Madeline. Gotta run, sorry. 136 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,240 Good show, let's do another one tomorrow. 137 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,440 Yeah, tomorrow. 138 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,640 I wasn't being racist, by the way. I'm sorry? 139 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,320 I appreciate that Michael Caine was basically the aggressor. 140 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:29,640 Oh, shut up! 141 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:36,720 Hey. 142 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,080 Straight home? Yeah, thanks. 143 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,160 Got himself into trouble, hasn't he, your fella? 144 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,600 My fella? Yeah. 145 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:51,840 Douglas what's-his-name. 146 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,280 My co-presenter. Your fella, yeah. 147 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,040 What's he done now? Told a joke. 148 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,600 A sexist joke, it's all over Twitter. 149 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,800 Hm. Sounds like him. Was it funny? Didn't say if it was funny. 150 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,560 Just said that it was sexist. Sounds like Twitter. 151 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,920 Or do we call it X now? I can't keep up. 152 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,040 I don't think anyone can. Hey! You got the figures right. 153 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,000 With the pensions guy, you were good. 154 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,960 You were looking it up! Course I was. 155 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,440 You were checking on me? 156 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,080 I mean, you were factually wrong, 157 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:20,480 but I've figured out a way you can be kind of right. 158 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:21,760 So you haven't screwed up. 159 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,200 What if I had? 160 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,960 Oh, I'd have thrown you to the wolves, mate. 161 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,440 Right, OK. Wolves, that's fair. 162 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,760 I'll phone you later about the thing tomorrow? 163 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:30,960 You know, the link-up thing? 164 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,600 Yeah, give me a couple of hours, I've got dinner with my agent. OK. 165 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:36,000 No, phone me during dinner, I hate my agent. 166 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,440 MADELINE LAUGHS You got it. 167 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,160 My wife thinks you've got chemistry. Excuse me? 168 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:47,520 You and him, on telly. She thinks you've got chemistry. 169 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:48,960 Well, isn't that nice. 170 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:52,600 How do you do that, then, create chemistry on telly? 171 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,360 Just, er, sitting on a sofa? 172 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:57,120 Well, generally you make the bloke about 20 years older. 173 00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:58,280 DRIVER CHUCKLES 174 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:01,440 On Twitter, yeah? The joke? Yep. 175 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,120 LIVELY CHATTER 176 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,280 Jason Wellings. Jason? 177 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,600 Cancer. Bad kind. 178 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,840 It's a big secret. Not sure who knows. 179 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,600 Jason's dead. Dead? 180 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,120 He died three weeks ago. Of what? 181 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,240 Cancer. That was sudden. 182 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:46,200 Well, no, it wasn't. Was to me. 183 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:49,080 OK, about this Twitter thing... Yeah. 184 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,440 What do you think? Do you think there's a problem here? 185 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,200 I mean, should I be doing anything? Talking to anyone? 186 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:58,640 Any ideas, any suggestions? Hang on. 187 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,200 Hang on, hang on. 188 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:06,040 Oh, God, where is it? Oh, there we go. 189 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,720 What's this? My neighbour's son is a big fan. 190 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,440 He wanted a signed photograph. That OK? 191 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:15,040 Erm... Well, sure. Thanks. He'll be thrilled. 192 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,560 I need my neighbour to owe me a favour. 193 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,880 My husband's pressuring for a gazebo. Mm. 194 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,760 OK, about the Twitter thing? 195 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:26,200 Ah, Twitter! Twitter, Twitter! 196 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,640 What can you do? Well, yes. What can I do? 197 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,440 Exactly. What can anyone do? 198 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:33,040 Well, are you worried about it? The tweet about me? 199 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,360 Are you worried about it? 200 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,360 No, of course not. Really? Good, that's a relief. 201 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,960 A relief? Yeah. Big load off, thanks. 202 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,800 So you are worried? Not now. You reassured me. 203 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:45,800 Quite honestly, I was bricking it. You haven't touched your food. 204 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,160 But, er... Yeah. No, but... 205 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,080 in the unlikely event that, you know, 206 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,400 there's any kind of a problem... 207 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:52,600 This is Madeline. 208 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:56,080 Yeah. Neighbour's son, big fan. Can you get her to sign it? 209 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,800 Well, she doesn't like this picture. She regretted it. 210 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,960 She'd prefer to look more serious. It's his favourite photo, though. 211 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,640 He's got hundreds of them in his bedroom, 212 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,560 but that's the one under his pillow. 213 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,160 He's got underpants with that photo on them. Underpants! 214 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,360 I don't think she'll be happy signing this photo for a child. 215 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:12,680 He's 38. 216 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,080 WAITER: Is that Madeline Crow? Yes. 217 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:24,320 TRAIN RUMBLES 218 00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,640 You OK? Yeah. 219 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,400 Did you find that thing about the joke? Yep. 220 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:08,560 Did you find out what the joke was? No. 221 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:09,600 ELECTRONIC BEEP 222 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:13,360 So, what was the joke at the wedding? The misogynist joke? 223 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,840 It wasn't misogynist, it was sexist. 224 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,160 Are those different? Well, of course they're different. 225 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,360 What, so there's misogyny AND sexism now? Yes! 226 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,000 How am I supposed to remember two things? 227 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,840 Look, about this joke... Yeah. What was it? 228 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,040 I don't actually remember it. Yeah, but seriously... 229 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,400 I'm being serious. 230 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,640 Well, it was probably just one of your usual ones, yeah? 231 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,040 My usual ones? Your usual misogynist ones. 232 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,880 It was sexist, not misogynist. Look, my point is... 233 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,400 in the event that anything happens, 234 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,640 if anyone says anything or accuses me of anything... 235 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:46,080 what do we do? 236 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,960 Oh, simple. It's a piece of piss. 237 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:51,160 There's a whole agency playbook for that. OK. 238 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,160 Well, we release a carefully worded statement. 239 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,560 Saying what? Well, apologising, obviously, 240 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,600 expressing remorse, obviously. Yes, obviously. 241 00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,160 And then explaining with great regret 242 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,920 this agency is now severing its connection with Douglas Bellowes, 243 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,920 following his recent unacceptable remarks. 244 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:05,120 How does that help me? 245 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,920 In the global sense. The global sense? 246 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:10,040 Well, someone has to take one for the team. What team? 247 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:11,640 Team you and me. And it's me. 248 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,040 Well, you're the misogynist. No, I'm the sexist! 249 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,320 Look. It won't come to it, 250 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,280 but I'll draft something this evening, 251 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,520 run it by you. You can put a quote in. 252 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:26,720 Thanks (!) 253 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,160 Anyway, let's not dwell on it. It's too depressing. 254 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,960 So... Jason Wellings, dead. Yes. 255 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,720 Cancer? 256 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,040 Yes. 257 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:44,920 Was it the bad kind? 258 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,880 Yes. 259 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,760 PHONE VIBRATES 260 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:50,880 Do you mind? No, no, go ahead. 261 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,400 Toby? It's gone nuclear. 262 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,040 What has? The tweet. 263 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,760 What happened? 264 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,640 Are you in a restaurant? If so, please step away from the table. 265 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,480 What happened? Madeline. 266 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:12,600 And Madeline and Douglas join me now. 267 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,560 Such a success Live At 6 has been. 268 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,760 You must be thrilled. We're absolutely over the moon. 269 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,960 Absolutely, yeah. It's been fantastic. Incredible. 270 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,000 So, how did you two first meet? Was it on the show? 271 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,520 Er, well, it would have been just before, I guess. Yeah, yeah. 272 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,840 Probably auditioning you. No, he did not audition me. 273 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,280 Well, probably... You did not, OK? 274 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,920 Probably auditioned her a bit. Stop that right there! 275 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,320 So, did he offer you any advice? 276 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,800 Oh, he's never stopped. He's at that age, though, isn't he? 277 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,240 You know, he just goes on and on. 278 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,080 I think he keeps going when I'm not in the room. 279 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,240 Yeah. Just an old granddad, really, droning on. That's true. 280 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,480 So, what was the first piece of advice he gave you? 281 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:49,000 Erm... he told me it was worth it. Er, this job. 282 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,200 He told me whatever you have to wade through, 283 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,680 this job is, er... is worth it. 284 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:56,040 Why are you watching this? 285 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,880 Oh. Hi! 286 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,480 Er... Sorry, it was in your saved programmes. 287 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:02,640 You were outside in the car. 288 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,320 I thought maybe you were working or on the phone or some shit. 289 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,360 Didn't know you'd still be here. Oh, just passing the time. 290 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,040 Oh, well, I'm kind of busy tonight. 291 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,280 Well, I could cook for you. I'll get a takeaway. 292 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,600 Oh, you don't need to. I know I don't. But I'm going to. 293 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,320 Oh, OK. 294 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,960 Ah, it's just, you know, busy, busy. 295 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,760 Yeah. Well, I'll just, er, you know... I'll see you. 296 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,280 Right, well. I'll call you. OK. 297 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,200 Or text you? Yeah, text. 298 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,600 Right, well, listen. Hey, thanks for, you know... 299 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,560 It's fine. Yeah. 300 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:43,600 Yeah. 301 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,480 Did I say that? I don't remember saying that. 302 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,440 Yep, you said it. "Wade"? Did I say "wade"? 303 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,000 Yeah, you said "wade". 304 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,000 Was he right? Was it worth the "wade"? 305 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,040 Madeline? 306 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,040 I'll let you know. 307 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,720 OK, I'm off home for the rest of the evening. 308 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,520 Are we OK with page two? No, but yes. 309 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,920 Tell Trevor something positive. Anything specific? 310 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,840 God, no, he might believe you. There's a budget Zoom in ten. 311 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,880 Call me if there's anything urgent or funny. 312 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:43,880 Do you wanna stay for the Zoom? Preferably funny. 313 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,240 You missed the last two. 314 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:51,640 Sheila? Helen. You loitering for me? 315 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,080 Erm... 316 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,640 You know that Twitter thing that I was going to tell you about? 317 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,440 Which you were going to tell me about? 318 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:04,560 Erm... the thing about your husband and the joke at the wedding? 319 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,600 That you were going to tell me about and apparently didn't? 320 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:13,040 At the last minute I, erm... internalised it. 321 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,720 What in the name of God's holy arse was the point of that? 322 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,720 Somnia said I should internalise when I'm feeling frightened of you. 323 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,760 Somnia? Who the arsing tit-wank is Somnia? HR. 324 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:30,400 Are you OK? Everything's fine, is it? 325 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:31,800 Erm, she used to be called Anita, 326 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,040 but she's sort of re-imagined herself. 327 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,280 Anita Varma? It's not Varma any more. OK. 328 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,920 She's, erm, moved on from her patronymic. 329 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,680 Right. Good! 330 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,800 So, about my husband on Twitter? What's he done now? 331 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,520 Are you internalising again? 332 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:59,800 Are you allowed to say out loud if you are internalising? 333 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,320 Right. Now, listen. 334 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:10,360 It's OK for you to say anything you like to me. 335 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,280 You are my PA, 336 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:16,240 and it would be really, really helpful if you could speak. 337 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:20,000 I promise to break eye contact on request 338 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,120 and will never sustain it for more than 30 seconds. 339 00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,520 Can you just tell me, 340 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:29,080 with my assurance of your complete personal safety... 341 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,320 ..about my husband on Twitter. 342 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:40,000 Erm... Yeah. So, he was at a wedding, 343 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,320 and someone heard him make a sexist joke. 344 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,960 Which one? Probably just one of his usual ones. 345 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:48,120 Which wedding? Oh, erm, it was three days ago. 346 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,560 Donald's? Oh, God, he was so pissed. 347 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,440 But I only left him alone for 20 minutes. 348 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,200 If he's got himself in trouble again, 349 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,240 that's his look-out. 350 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,240 Let me know if anyone here wants to write about it. 351 00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:00,320 It's got worse, though. Worse? How? 352 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,560 Madeline. 353 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,040 Fuck's sake. Why would she do that? I mean, why? 354 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,040 Well, technically, she was defending you. 355 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,840 She retweeted it. She retweeted the bloody tweet. 356 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:31,440 Yeah, because she was commenting on it. 357 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,960 "Don't believe this. Not my co-presenter." 358 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,000 In the process, obviously, yes, she retweeted it. 359 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,920 She's got about half a million followers. 360 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:41,400 No, she's got 2 million. 361 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,800 OK, so that's 2 million people who've now seen it, 362 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,040 who would never have noticed it if she'd just left it alone. Yes. 363 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:50,000 Two million? I've got one and a half. 364 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,080 It is not, at this precise moment, a competition. 365 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,080 PHONE VIBRATES, DOUGLAS SIGHS 366 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,200 My wife's calling. 'Talk to her.' Yeah, in a bit. 367 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,960 If she's seen it, she'll still be shouting. 368 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,480 Look. Right now, Douglas, I'm not worried about her shouting, 369 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:03,120 I'm worried about her newspaper. 370 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,440 PHONE VIBRATES 371 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,000 VIBRATING STOPS 372 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,120 I've gotta run. No problem. 373 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,720 Is that my food? 374 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,040 Didn't think you wanted it. 375 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,280 DOUGLAS: 'Sorry I can't get to the phone right now. 376 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:05,960 'Please leave a message after the beep.' 377 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,960 Douglas, can you just call me back? This is my fourth message. 378 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:12,280 I've stopped shouting, I just want to know what's going on. 379 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,640 Also, for the love of God, please delete these messages. 380 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,720 I work with people who hack your phone. 381 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,360 Fuck's sake. 382 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,200 SHE SIGHS 383 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,600 Claudia? 384 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,720 Claudia? Hey, Mum. 385 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,640 Hey. Er, listen, darling, 386 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,640 you've left the front door open again. 387 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,480 Yeah, doesn't matter. 388 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,520 I'm just telling you you've left it open. 389 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,520 Yes, I know. Don't worry about it. The subject is closed. 390 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,600 It will be closed, Claudia, when the front door is closed. 391 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,760 Why? Because you keep leaving it open, 392 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,080 and I'm not happy about that. Why? 393 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,800 SHEILA SPLUTTERS Because it's important. 394 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,840 Why? Because people might come into the house. 395 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,000 Oh, what people? I don't know. 396 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,440 Exactly. Jesus, calm down. 397 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,320 Darling, please. This is for your own personal safety. 398 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:21,680 Oh, my safety? Yes! 399 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,360 Oh, is it dangerous out there? 400 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,480 Does this mean I won't be allowed outside now? 401 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,360 Of course you're allowed outside. 402 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:28,920 Well, if it's safe for me to be outside, 403 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,520 why isn't it safe to leave the door open? 404 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,840 Claudia, there's a lot of valuable stuff in this house, 405 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,280 and surprisingly enough, we don't want it stolen. 406 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:36,880 Oh, so it's all about your possessions, 407 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,040 and who cares if I get raped? 408 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,160 Please, can you stop finding a reason to argue with me 409 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,120 every single time we speak? 410 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,600 Stop criticising me! 411 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,000 Oh, Claudia, please can it not be like this? 412 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,240 Not every single time we talk. 413 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,560 Oh, now you're gonna cry! 414 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,520 You always start crying, Mum. Stop doing that to me. 415 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,520 I'm not doing anything to you! Stop shouting! 416 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:58,640 Hey. Dad, somebody left the front door open, 417 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,240 and Mum just assumes it was me. 418 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:02,880 Because it was you. Let it go, Mum. 419 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:11,640 Drink? Oh, please, God, yes. Give me wine or give me death. 420 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,920 She never stops. She goes at me all the time. 421 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,640 Like just looking at me sends her into a rage. 422 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:22,040 The minute we make eye contact, her shoulders flex. 423 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:27,000 They just sort of pop up, like... like an emergency life jacket. 424 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,480 She's 19. Sometimes, she follows me to the loo, 425 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,440 stands outside the door and just keeps going. 426 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,400 I am critiqued sitting on the loo. 427 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,360 Yeah, she's kind of intense at the moment. 428 00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:38,920 I flushed while she was talking. 429 00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:42,000 She called it a micro-aggression. Mm. 430 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:44,720 You're not reading your emails again. 431 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,080 Someone from Hay wants to talk to you. Does that make sense? 432 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:50,520 Mm, the Hay Festival. I told you, I'm doing an interview. 433 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,600 What about? Well, me, hopefully. 434 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,240 I don't really know about anything else. 435 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,840 No, but seriously, what's it about? 436 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:59,280 It's not about anything. Well, keep it that way. No opinions. 437 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,840 People might be listening. 438 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,280 Might be? Opinions are blood in the water. 439 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,320 Dare to be bland. 440 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,440 Well, what's wrong with my opinions? You don't have opinions, darling, 441 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,520 you're just cross at whatever's available. 442 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:13,880 OK, bland. I'll be bland. Bland is good, bland survives. 443 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:18,160 Anyway... Madeline. What the hell is Madeline up to? 444 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,040 Look, in fairness, she was just being supportive. 445 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:17,040 Oh, no, come on. You're not going to defend her? 446 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,480 She commented on the tweet in my defence. Look. 447 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:21,960 And by commenting on the tweet, 448 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,760 she retweeted the tweet to 2 million people, 449 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:27,040 most of whom would never have seen it any other way, 450 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:28,440 some of whom are press. 451 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,320 Can you believe she's got 2 million followers? Yes! 452 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,400 OK, then. The papers. What do you think? 453 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:37,000 Would your lot bother with this? Don't know. Don't think so. 454 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:41,040 Well, you're the editor. I can't play favourites. 455 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,160 I could see it on page five if it's a slow day. 456 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:44,560 HE GROANS Cheer up. 457 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:46,640 There might be an atrocity. Well, there's a war, 458 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,400 there's flooding every second Wednesday, 459 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,160 there's a climate crisis. I mean a proper atrocity. 460 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,480 Someone off Blue Peter having a wank on a webcam. 461 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,480 Oh, for Christ's sake. A drive-by deadnaming. 462 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,120 A-A royal being slightly off-hand to a minority... 463 00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:00,240 There is still actual news in the world, isn't there? 464 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:01,760 I mean, things are still happening, 465 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:04,200 or did it all just stop and I didn't notice? 466 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,800 Darling, there is all the human misery and suffering 467 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:08,720 a journalist could wish for. 468 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,920 But we live in a world where a newsreader's arse 469 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:12,800 can push a war off the front page. 470 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:14,640 And you, my dear, like it or not, 471 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,520 are in possession of a newsreader's arse. 472 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,520 Handle it with care. 473 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,960 Well, according to Toby, my voice is an instrument of death. 474 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,720 Is it my arse now? They're both good, honey. 475 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,080 Just remember which one to talk out of. 476 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,480 Madeline was not defending you. 477 00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:30,880 Of course she was. We're friends. No, you're colleagues. 478 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:32,680 We're on the same side. We're a team. 479 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,800 Look at what she actually said. 480 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,400 Yeah, look at it. 481 00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:38,640 "Don't believe this. Not my co-presenter." 482 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:41,880 So she's saying she doesn't believe her co-presenter behaved like that 483 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,320 because she knows him so well. Exactly. That's good. 484 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,280 Or she's describing your behaviour as unbelievable 485 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:51,520 and saying she no longer wants you as her co-presenter. 486 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:56,120 Do you think? 487 00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:59,040 Headline, "Not my co-presenter, says Madeline Crow." 488 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,720 Photo of you. One of the blurry ones where you look a bit drunk. 489 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,240 We have seven. Next to that, a photo of Madeline. 490 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:08,960 Shiny hair, blow job eyes. We've got exactly 12 million. 491 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:13,000 Sub-header, "Douglas Bellowes blasted for sexist joke." 492 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,640 You see? First impact, 493 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:20,080 it's sexy Madeline who's blasting blurry Douglas. 494 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:21,920 Of course, when you read the article, 495 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:25,240 we clarify the actual blasting comes from some guy online 496 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,080 who no-one cares about, but our work is done. 497 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:31,120 Because, my darling, here's the big, big secret - 498 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:33,200 no-one reads the article. 499 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:35,120 They're all too busy tweeting angry opinions 500 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:38,440 about whatever conclusion they've just jumped to. 501 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:43,920 Outrage is exciting, nuance is work. Douglas is cancelled. 502 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:46,760 Well, I mean it takes more than one article. 503 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:47,800 Of course it doesn't. 504 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:50,120 Well, what happened to the presumption of innocence? 505 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,800 It's too slow for the news cycle. OK, but seriously... 506 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:54,560 would you run with this? I don't think so. 507 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,760 I don't think anyone will. There's not enough to it. 508 00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,480 But fair play to Madeline, she's given it her best shot. 509 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:02,880 She didn't do it on purpose. She was just ambiguous. 510 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,240 That's not ambiguity, that's plausible deniability. 511 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,400 Madeline's not like that. 512 00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,080 Is she? Is she like that? 513 00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:13,040 I don't know Madeline. I only see her on the telly. 514 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,360 All I know about Madeline is you talking about her 515 00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:16,720 all the bloody time. 516 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,400 Well, of course you know her. We never speak. 517 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,000 Every time I walk into a room, she walks straight out. 518 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,880 Heads for the door like a missile. Whoosh, slam, gone. 519 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:27,680 I'd think the two of you were having an affair 520 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,200 if it wasn't for the saggy tits. She hasn't got saggy tits. 521 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,640 I was thinking of yours. Apparently, you weren't. 522 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:36,600 I wasn't thinking of Madeline's tits. 523 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:38,600 Actually, you were. Not that way. 524 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,120 What way, then? Ironically? 525 00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:41,560 No, I just... Have you noticed 526 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,560 that every conversation always ends up being about Madeline? 527 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:46,960 Why is everything about her? 528 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,800 What does Madeline think? What's Madeline done today? 529 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,920 Why you're cross about Madeline this time! 530 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,200 No. Don't smile at me, you were fighting. 531 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,960 No, we weren't. I heard you shouting. 532 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,040 No, you didn't. We barely raised our voices. 533 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:02,840 Oh? Are you keeping something secret? 534 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:04,160 We're not fighting, darling. 535 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,000 You were, I can tell. I can always tell. 536 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,800 And don't lie, I've already got anxiety today. 537 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:09,840 MUTTERS: Oh, Christ. 538 00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:13,520 OK, we were fighting just a little bit 539 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:16,520 but on the same side against someone else who isn't here, 540 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:20,080 so we're... taking it out on each other. Mm. 541 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,080 It's called marriage. Hm. 542 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,480 Was it about Madeline? 543 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:26,000 Jesus. Madeline? Why would it be Madeline? 544 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,440 Mum calls her names. No, I don't. 545 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,720 What names? Thin. Thin's not a name. 546 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:32,440 Thin's a description. You always say it. 547 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:34,720 She's always thin. Are you fighting about the tweet? 548 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:38,760 The tweet? Yeah, I saw it. 549 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:42,600 Which one? Which tweet? About Dad's sexist joke. 550 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:44,040 The one he told. 551 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,280 At Uncle Rapey's wedding. Uncle Donald. 552 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,560 Uncle Rapey. I've told you. About what? 553 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,760 His inappropriate language around women. 554 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,120 He's not being inappropriate, he's just being funny. 555 00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:56,080 It's not funny to make women feel sexually menaced. 556 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,480 Sexually menaced by Donald? Yes. Who's gay? 557 00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:01,320 Yes. Who three days ago got married to another man who's also gay 558 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:03,480 so they could be gay together in a gay marriage 559 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:05,560 and continue to show no sexual interest in women 560 00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:07,280 for the rest of their gay lives? 561 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,960 You felt sexually menaced by a man who's never had a sexual impulse 562 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:12,200 towards a woman in his entire gay life? 563 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,400 OK, boomer. Sorry, just trying to point out how gay works. 564 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,240 Oh, it's so good to be mansplained. 565 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:20,320 I'm mansplaining a man. That's got to be legitimate. 566 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:21,880 Mum, can I talk to Dad? 567 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:23,520 Oh, go ahead! 568 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:27,840 In private. Oh, this is private. 569 00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:29,080 No, it isn't. 570 00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:31,240 Claudia, anything you want to say to me, 571 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:32,680 you can say to your mother. 572 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:39,600 Forget it. Help yourself. I could do with some time off. 573 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:41,280 Oh, that's right. Just walk out on me. 574 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:44,320 You asked me to go away! Exactly. 575 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:46,120 Good luck, darling. Mm. 576 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:48,680 SHE SIGHS 577 00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,280 Dad. What was the joke at the wedding? 578 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,000 I don't know. The misogynist joke? 579 00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:56,120 It wasn't misogynist, it was sexist. Same thing. No, it's really not. 580 00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:58,560 What was the joke, Dad? Sexism can be prejudicial behaviour 581 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:00,880 against either sex, whereas misogyny is only... 582 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:02,440 Dad. The joke. What was it? 583 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:04,840 I don't remember. 584 00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:08,280 Is that true? Or are you just saying that cos you're embarrassed, 585 00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:10,320 and you don't want me to know what you said? 586 00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:12,680 No, I'm not just saying that. I really don't remember. 587 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:14,920 OK. 588 00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:20,080 What's wrong? People at uni are asking about it. 589 00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:21,880 Well, how do they even know about it? 590 00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:23,720 Some of them follow Madeline. Oh! 591 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:26,200 Also, I'm part of a student think-tank monitoring the impact 592 00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:29,400 of media celebrities on minorities - especially women. 593 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,880 Well, women aren't a minority. Of course they're a minority. 594 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,200 They're the main one. Well, there are more women than men. 595 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,040 That's a majority. Dad, take this seriously. 596 00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:38,040 Sorry, did you say think-tank? Yes, think-tank. 597 00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:40,400 Is there an actual tank, or do you just meet in a bar? 598 00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:43,200 We meet in a seminar room, on a weekly basis, which we book. 599 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:44,280 OK. Not in a bar, Dad. 600 00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:46,680 OK, sorry. None of us drink, actually. 601 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:49,400 OK, good for you. Have you considered starting? 602 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:53,280 Look, you could get cancelled. Do you understand that? 603 00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:56,440 I don't want that to happen, Dad, I really don't. It would destroy me. 604 00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:57,880 And me. 605 00:30:57,880 --> 00:30:59,200 Yeah, and you. 606 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,680 Listen. I don't remember what I said. 607 00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:06,680 But whatever it was, it really wasn't that bad. 608 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:11,080 Promise? Promise. Not lying? 609 00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:12,160 I'm not lying. What... 610 00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:14,480 I don't lie to you. When do I lie to you? 611 00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:16,480 You're my daughter. And an activist. 612 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:20,200 Yeah, my daughter first. Yeah, yeah. Of course. 613 00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:21,640 And an activist. 614 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,720 And I'm your father before anything. 615 00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:26,400 Please remember that. Oh, trust me, Dad, 616 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:28,200 nobody's forgetting about the patriarchy. 617 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:30,800 Oh, Jesus, Claudia. No, I'm just trying to look out for you. 618 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:33,840 I'm trying to protect you. Claudia, believe me. 619 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:35,760 I'm all over this. I really am. 620 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:39,120 As it happens, between you and me, father to daughter, 621 00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:43,480 your daft old dad really, really doesn't wanna get himself cancelled. 622 00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:46,680 And, Dad... I really, really don't want 623 00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:48,120 to have to cancel you. 624 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,880 That's... nice. 625 00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:56,920 That's nice to hear. 626 00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:13,840 Sorry to pull you in so late. It's a little bit urgent. 627 00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,200 No, that's OK. Take a seat. 628 00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:18,600 Have you been briefed? Er, no. 629 00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:20,040 No? Don't worry. I will brief you. 630 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:22,480 So, er... Douglas. You know Douglas. Douglas Bellowes? 631 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:24,600 Yeah. Yeah. You worked with him? 632 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:25,880 Well, yeah. Yeah. 633 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:29,080 Douglas needs an emergency joke. 634 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:33,400 A w-what? He needs a very specific emergency joke, 635 00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:35,520 and I need you to provide it. 636 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:37,040 A joke? Yeah, listen. 637 00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,680 At a recent wedding - one, I must stress, 638 00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:41,400 in no way affiliated to Live At 6 - 639 00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:44,200 Douglas Bellowes was overheard telling a joke 640 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:46,560 which may have been accidentally sexist. 641 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,960 OK, but why...? Listen. Just listen. 642 00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:52,160 Douglas can't remember the joke, and so far, no-one has quoted it. 643 00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:55,160 So this is what we call in the news business 644 00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:57,440 an opportunity to get ahead of the facts 645 00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:59,640 and decide what the joke might've been. 646 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:01,200 Oh, you mean, like, make something up? 647 00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:04,840 No, no. Not make something up. No, not exactly. 648 00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:09,160 It's just that sometimes, when the facts are a little... hazy, 649 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:13,400 we need to provide our audience with clear, directed information 650 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:15,080 that, as far as possible, 651 00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:18,280 reflects the truth without actually being it. 652 00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:19,600 OK. 653 00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,240 So what I need from you 654 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,400 is a joke sexist enough to cause comment on Twitter 655 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,600 but not so sexist that it will end Douglas's career. 656 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:30,920 Erm... It has to be right on that borderline between 657 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,960 "offensive to women" and "charming and sexy". 658 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:38,040 We really need to dial in on the precise level of misogyny 659 00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:40,240 that will shock, but mostly titillate, 660 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,480 Douglas's demographic of reasonably educated, 661 00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:46,240 marginally self-loathing housewives. 662 00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,640 And he's gonna need some support on air through an earpiece 663 00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:50,960 for tomorrow night's show in case he's asked about this. 664 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:53,440 You know, he might need a few spontaneous one-liners, 665 00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:55,880 and I'm confident you are the man for the job. 666 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:57,000 Why? 667 00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:59,680 Well, because I've been assured you're our top comedy guy. 668 00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:01,480 Have you signed the NDA? No. 669 00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:03,040 No? Why not? 670 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,560 Well, because I'm your driver. 671 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:08,760 They asked me to bring HIM in. 672 00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:14,800 I-I've been your driver for eight years. 673 00:34:17,240 --> 00:34:21,160 Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah, I know that. Erm... 674 00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:24,720 It's just you're usually... facing the other way. 675 00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:30,240 How's the missus? Dead. 676 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:33,880 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 677 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:36,320 Sorry. 678 00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:43,000 Do beg your pardon. Er, bit of a mix-up. Nobody's fault. 679 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:45,280 I thought you were the driver. Oh. OK. 680 00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:50,800 I wasn't being racist. 681 00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:56,280 Moira, I think I'm gonna need an NDA. 682 00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:06,320 It's all over Twitter. 683 00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:10,000 Thanks to bloody Madeline, it's every bloody place. 684 00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:13,280 Do you think Claudia's a bit strange these days? 685 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,000 I wouldn't say strange. No? I'd say frightening. 686 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:17,200 No, I'm serious. So am I. 687 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:18,920 It's like we've lost her to a cult. 688 00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:20,880 We've lost her to a university. It's similar, 689 00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:22,440 but you still have to do their laundry. 690 00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,920 I'm gonna tell Madeline to take down the tweet. 691 00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:26,600 Oh, it's too late for that. 692 00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:28,600 Deleting it will only draw more attention. 693 00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:29,960 Well, then she can delete the lot. 694 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:32,560 She can close down her account. She seems to spend all day online. 695 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:34,120 It's time she rejoined the human race. 696 00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:35,800 First thing tomorrow, I'm telling her. 697 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:38,400 Deleting her account will not make a useful difference. 698 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,040 Well, maybe not. But it'll make a point. 699 00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,640 It'll draw a line. 700 00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:44,880 No-one is turning my daughter against me. 701 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:49,080 OK. 702 00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:50,880 What do you mean, "OK"? 703 00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:52,920 I said "OK". It means "OK". 704 00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:55,720 You paused. Sorry? 705 00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:59,080 Before "OK", there was a pause. I know what that pause means. 706 00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:01,320 What does it mean? Nothing. Doesn't mean anything. 707 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:06,920 It means you've been angry with Madeline before. 708 00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:09,400 You've been shouting about Madeline all over this house. 709 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:11,600 You threw a juice carton out of the window once. 710 00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:13,640 It was stuck in the tree for over a year. 711 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,200 Well, I'm angry again. And off you go to see Madeline, 712 00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,720 and you're really gonna sort her out this time. 713 00:36:18,720 --> 00:36:21,680 And something... happens. Well, what happens? 714 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:23,760 I don't know. But you come back home, 715 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:26,120 and you're all calm again, and you explain 716 00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:27,840 that you and Madeline have had a chat, 717 00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:31,000 and everything's all fine. Nothing to worry about. 718 00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:34,120 All smiles... until the next time. 719 00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:37,000 OK. Well, the... How does she do that? 720 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,760 I can spend all night trying to calm you down. Never works. 721 00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:42,200 How does Madeline do it? What exactly happens 722 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:44,160 when the two of you have one of your little chats? 723 00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,360 We just talk, OK? For God's sake. 724 00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:50,840 I completely believe you. You talk. OK. Fair enough. 725 00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:53,400 Talk about what? 726 00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:55,960 How does Madeline always get you back on side? 727 00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:59,000 How does she do it? I mean, is she magic? 728 00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:01,400 She's not getting me back on side this time. 729 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:05,160 OK. 730 00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:41,480 Morgan, I need you to concentrate 731 00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:43,760 on jokes about Twitter for Douglas, OK? All over that. 732 00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:46,440 He needs to sound relaxed, witty, good sport. 733 00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:53,400 LAPTOP KEYS CLICK 734 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:56,720 Give me an example. 735 00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:09,040 Is that it? Has the joke happened? Because I don't think I laughed. 736 00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:11,600 It's not your fault. Comedy's hard. 737 00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:13,680 Oh, Douglas! Sorry, I need to speak to Madeline. 738 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:15,080 Douglas! 739 00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:18,400 KNOCKS 740 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,960 Just a moment. Madeline? 741 00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:23,040 Just a moment. I need to talk to you. 742 00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:25,560 Nearly finished, nearly finished, nearly... 743 00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:29,120 HE EXHALES Nearly, nearly, nearly... 744 00:38:29,120 --> 00:38:31,800 Madeline? Nearly, nearly, nearly... 745 00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:36,520 One second. One second. 746 00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:39,080 SHE STUTTERS 747 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:41,080 All yours. 748 00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:43,520 Madeline... Oh, look at your face. 749 00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:45,400 You must be wondering what the hell's going on. 750 00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:47,400 Oh, I'm fairly clear on one thing that's going on, 751 00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:49,880 and that's the fact that you... Shut it. 752 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:52,720 I'm sorry? The door. Shut it. 753 00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:34,080 Idea for a new sitcom in six parts. 754 00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:54,520 HE SIGHS 755 00:40:02,720 --> 00:40:04,880 Four parts. 756 00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:06,920 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com