1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,920 Such a success Live At Six has been. You must be thrilled. 2 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:04,920 We're absolutely over the moon. Absolutely. 3 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:06,640 It's been fantastic. Incredible. 4 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,480 There's, er, been a tweet. What tweet? 5 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,200 What's he done now? DRIVER: Told a joke. 6 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,120 A sexist joke. It's all over Twitter. 7 00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:15,240 Douglas, seriously, what was the joke? 8 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:16,520 It was a wedding three days ago. 9 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,120 I was drinking. Why would I remember? 10 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,120 It was probably just one of your usual ones, yeah? 11 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,160 My usual ones? Your usual misogynist ones. 12 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:23,920 It's got worse, though. How? 13 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,200 Madeline. 14 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:28,240 She retweeted the tweet to two million people, 15 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:29,800 some of whom are press! 16 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,600 Why would she do that? I mean, why? 17 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,440 TOBY: "Don't believe this. Not my co-presenter." 18 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:36,200 Technically, she was defending you. 19 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,520 SHEILA: 'Or she's saying she no longer wants you 20 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:39,720 'as her co-presenter.' 21 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:43,000 Madeline's not like that. Is she? Is she like that? 22 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,320 Babes, nice one today. 23 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,880 'We live in a world where a newsreader's arse 24 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,760 'can push a war off the front page.' Oh, Christ. 25 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:52,800 And you, my dear, are in possession of a newsreader's arse. 26 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:53,840 You could get cancelled. 27 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,600 I don't want that to happen, Dad. It would destroy me. 28 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:57,680 And me. 29 00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,560 I'm gonna tell Madeline to take down the tweet. 30 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,720 Douglas. Sorry, I need to speak to Madeline. 31 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:05,560 How does Madeline always get you back on side? Is she magic? 32 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,120 MADELINE: Just a moment. Madeline. 33 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:09,160 She's not getting me back on side this time. 34 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,880 I need to talk to you. 35 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:45,960 THUNDER RUMBLES 36 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,680 SHEILA: No. No! TILSON ON PHONE: 'Why not?' 37 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,920 Because I'm on sodding holiday, that's why! 38 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,720 Yeah, yeah, it's lovely. Well, I think it's lovely. 39 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,720 I can't see three feet out the window. 40 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,040 They said we had an ocean view. 41 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,760 PHONE PINGS I think it's from underneath. 42 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,320 DOUGLAS CHUCKLES 43 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,480 So, either you're telling him or Martin is, 44 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:11,840 because I'm on holiday. 45 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,640 Because I'm on holiday, 46 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,120 and we're about to ruin a man's life, 47 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,720 and I don't want to have to tell him, because it'll spoil my day... 48 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,360 PHONE PINGS ..and it's already bloody raining. 49 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,480 Of course we have to tell him. It's a bloody headline. 50 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,960 He needs to talk to his wife. 51 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,880 Think of his poor wife, for God's sake. 52 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,360 There wasn't a way to soften it. 53 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:31,880 He went out and banged another woman. 54 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,960 His choice, his life. 55 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:37,120 I mean, if it had been another man, we could have done something moving 56 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:41,160 about him finding his true self - a whole page of rainbows 57 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,960 and photos of his wife looking brave and supportive. 58 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,680 We could've been progressive. 59 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,400 Stonewall would've been off our backs for a whole week. 60 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,520 Then six months later, you'd have run a story 61 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,240 about all his gay affairs and destroyed him anyway. 62 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,520 He'd have had six more months, and we'd have two stories. 63 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,640 Everyone's a winner. Shut up, Douglas. 64 00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:00,880 No, no, no, it's OK. I'm just shutting up Douglas. 65 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:05,440 So, either you or Martin phone our premier religious broadcaster 66 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,720 and say that God sees all... PHONE PINGS 67 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,120 ..and He sent us the photos, OK? 68 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,000 DOUGLAS CHUCKLES 69 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,400 Oh, come on! Do it for me. Jesus. 70 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,440 It's a friend of mine we're destroying. 71 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:20,720 How do you think it would feel, 72 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:23,080 personally destroying a friend while I'm on holiday? 73 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,760 I've got a conscience! SHE SIGHS 74 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,960 What does Madeline want? How did you know it was Madeline? 75 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,200 This sucks. What are you gonna do about it? 76 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,080 Well, it's not exactly our fault it's raining. 77 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,600 But it's Dubai. Yep, still not our fault. 78 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,680 I mean, Dubai. We've not been lucky, yes. 79 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,040 What are we doing here? I mean, why here? 80 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,400 They execute gay people, and it won't stop raining. 81 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,920 Might as well be in Scotland. 82 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,680 They don't execute gay people in Scotland. 83 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,520 They don't execute them in Dubai. Gay people are executed everywhere. 84 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,200 No, they aren't. Should I list countries where they're executed? 85 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,520 There's a chance I might know, seeing as I'm a journalist. 86 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,120 Stop it, Dad. Not this again. 87 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,120 No, seriously, would you like a list of countries 88 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,360 where homosexuality's punishable by death? No. 89 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,160 Why not? Because it's racist. 90 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:11,760 DOOR SLAMS I think that went well. 91 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,480 Because you turned your phone over. Sorry, what? 92 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,840 I knew it was Madeline because you turned your phone over. 93 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,280 You always turn your phone screen away when Madeline texts. 94 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:20,840 No, I don't. Yes, you do. 95 00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,360 Well, I don't mean to. Well, you do, every time. 96 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,840 Do you really not know that? 97 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:29,000 Look, there's nothing... Look, I mean, they're just texts. OK. 98 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,120 I mean, you can read them, if you want. OK. 99 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:35,400 Seriously? 100 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,080 Fine. Help yourself, read the lot. There's nothing there. 101 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,680 Oh, I'm not reading them, darling. I'm counting them. 102 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:46,640 No, actually, I'm giving up counting them, there's too many. 103 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,720 We've been here three days. 104 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:52,000 How many times has Madeline texted you in three days, 105 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,720 while you've been on holiday? 106 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,960 She's my friend, she just texts me. Mm-hm. 107 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,800 How's Bill? Bill? 108 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:04,520 Yeah, Bill. Your best friend, Bill. He must have texted you recently. 109 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:08,680 Oh! Not for three weeks, actually. Funny, that. 110 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,600 Madeline likes texting. I don't know why. 111 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:12,760 What does she say? 112 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,280 Well, it's all there, you can read it. 113 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:17,600 Thanks, but we've only got the room for another week and a half. 114 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,280 Jokes, usually. Bitching about people. 115 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,680 Mm-hm. What does she say about me? Nothing. 116 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:24,960 She doesn't even mention you. No, I bet she doesn't. 117 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,480 Oh, for God's sake, Sheila, there's nothing going on. 118 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,920 Nothing, as in what? 119 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,160 I mean, you don't think... I'm almost twice her age. 120 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,080 Oh, and that's always stopped a man, yeah? 121 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,440 Well, it always stopped me. 122 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,760 I don't think you're having an affair with Madeline. 123 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:40,840 Oh, good, thanks for that. 124 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,840 But I do think she's texting you a hell of a lot. 125 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,040 We work together. You're on holiday. 126 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,120 So are you. How long were you just on the phone? 127 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:52,320 OK. Yeah, OK. 128 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,400 She texts at lot. That's it, that's all. 129 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,960 That's really all. 130 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,880 Go and talk to Claudia. 131 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:03,440 About what? Just go and talk to her. 132 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:06,080 What do I say? I don't know. 133 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:10,120 HE GROANS, THUNDER RUMBLES 134 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,040 Tell her it rains sometimes. 135 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:25,760 When? SHEILA ON PHONE: 'Now.' 136 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,720 But we're just about to have our first pre-show. 137 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,600 He left half an hour ago, he'll be arriving now. 138 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,720 He's going straight to see Madeline. You could've given me more warning! 139 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,760 I've been trying. You've been busy all morning. 140 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,320 Yeah, guess what I've been doing? Why did she have to retweet it? 141 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,880 What was she thinking? It's everywhere, it's multiplying. 142 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,200 Jesus, I know. I was up all night tracking it. 143 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,000 So was Douglas. He didn't sleep a wink. 144 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,760 Yeah, well, how do you sleep through existential terror? 145 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,520 It's like having Greta Thunberg standing at the end of your bed. 146 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:50,640 No. Sorry? 147 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:51,680 Not Greta Thunberg. 148 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,800 OK. Is there pressure to pull Douglas from this evening's show? 149 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,960 That would be seen as a reaction. It is a reaction. 150 00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,360 Yeah, of course it's a reaction, 151 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,560 but it has to be the kind of reaction that makes it clear 152 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,480 we don't think there's anything to react to 153 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,600 and we are not, in fact, reacting to it. 154 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,600 It's a thin line. Is he interviewing anyone? 155 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,440 Yeah, of course he is. Live ones? 156 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,560 Er, yeah. Two warm bodies and Michael Gove. 157 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,720 Anyone likely to bring up the tweet? 158 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:17,440 It could happen. Then what? 159 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,480 He'll handle it. How? 160 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,200 With wit and charm. 161 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,720 How? Spontaneously. He's got an earpiece. 162 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,120 We're briefing one of our comedy guys to help him out on air. 163 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,960 Which one? I don't know, one of them. 164 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,440 Look, it's just a safeguard. He might need a few zingers. 165 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,200 I've seen him do zingers from his earpiece, 166 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,920 you might as well lip-synch a corpse. 167 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,760 Yeah, well, this time, he'll have good jokes. 168 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:36,840 There's a bigger problem. 169 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,120 If you mean Madeline, I'll speak to her too. 170 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,760 Hay. The Hay Festival. 171 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,160 Oh, shit. I forgot about Hay. 172 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,160 We've got one week. Fucking Hay! 173 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,280 You gonna talk to him now? 174 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:48,920 Yeah, I'll see if he's with Madeline yet. 175 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,320 He was furious when he left, absolutely raging. 176 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,520 What level furious? 177 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,040 Jesus, Toby, I don't have a ranking system. 178 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,160 Yeah, but out of ten? Emily Maitlis with an opinion. 179 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,480 Oh, dear God. I'll see if I can head him off. 180 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,960 I'm getting in the lift now. 181 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,280 Get Douglas to call me when he's out. Yeah. 182 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:07,560 SHE SIGHS 183 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,080 Darth Vader. What? 184 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:12,200 Not Greta Thunberg at the end of the bed, Darth Vader. 185 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,360 Funnier, trust me. 186 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,920 I wasn't making a joke, I was talking. 187 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,320 Or Jeremy Clarkson. Jeremy Clarkson? 188 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,120 Clarkson. Clarkson at the end of the bed, classic. 189 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,800 How is Jeremy Clarkson a portent of doom? 190 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,480 Oh, angry people love him, post-Meghan. 191 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,680 No, they love him because he's not a portent of doom. 192 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:27,720 HE SNAPS FINGERS OK! 193 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,840 Jeremy Clarkson and Darth Vader. Comedy doom combo. 194 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,120 Plus, Vader takes the edge off Clarkson's darkness. 195 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,640 Listen, it doesn't matter. 196 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,040 Hey, Greta Thunberg isn't funny. We focus-grouped her. 197 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,440 Sorry, did you actually research 198 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,000 to check if Greta Thunberg was funny? 199 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,600 Yeah. That was literally the question. 200 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,160 Were you surprised by the answer "no"? 201 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,720 In comedy, we never know what's funny. 202 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,840 Is Douglas in yet? Just pulled into the car park. 203 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,600 Madeline? In her office. Thanks. 204 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,400 Let me give you a for-instance - you see, "melanoma" might sound funny... 205 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,040 You have a name? Well, not so much a name. 206 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,320 Sort of just a growing profile, 207 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,480 just getting a bit of traction in the comedy arena... 208 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:01,680 No. A Christian name. 209 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,600 I'm not Christian, no, er, more humanist. 210 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,440 What do I call you? Oh, Morgan. 211 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,520 Morgan, I need you to concentrate on jokes about Twitter for Douglas. 212 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:09,560 All over that. 213 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,560 He needs to sound relaxed, witty, a good sport. 214 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,800 Yeah, it's all here. Don't sweat it, baby. 215 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,160 Give me an example. 216 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,480 Oh, no, I prefer to feed my material directly to Douglas. 217 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:22,120 No, OK, let me clarify my request - give me an example or I'll kill you. 218 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,920 OK, er... CLEARS THROAT 219 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,760 OK, look at me. Sorry, what? 220 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,440 I need eye contact. Give me an example. 221 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,440 No, I need to look into your eyes when I say the joke 222 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,440 so I can see the kick moment. 223 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,560 The what? 224 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,080 It's the moment when the joke kicks in 225 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:37,160 and it all comes together in your head, a bit like an orgasm. 226 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,720 When a woman laughs at you in bed, that's not an orgasm. 227 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,360 Sometimes it is. No. 228 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,240 Trust me, I... 229 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:46,120 Give me an example now. Do it. 230 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,560 OK, eye contact established. Yeah, he's cooking now. 231 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:53,160 Is he ready for comedy? Yes, he is. OK. Yeah. Right, listen to this. 232 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,400 No wonder they called it Twitter - it's full of twits. 233 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,760 Is that it? Has the joke happened? Because I don't think I laughed. 234 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,000 It's not your fault, comedy's hard. 235 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,160 Douglas. Sorry, need to speak to Madeline. 236 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:10,320 Yeah. Douglas. 237 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,000 "Embolism". Why isn't "embolism" funny? It's got "ball" in. 238 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,160 KNOCK ON DOOR Madeline? 239 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,360 You see, comedy has its own special music. 240 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,000 My jokes can be like a secret code no-one understands except me. 241 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,640 Twitter jokes now. 242 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,720 I just told you a Twitter joke. I didn't orgasm. 243 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,040 Sometimes, you have to tell people they orgasmed. 244 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,720 You really don't. 245 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:27,880 Is it cos it's called X now? 246 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,120 Cos X is actually a really difficult letter for comedy. 247 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,800 TOBY SIGHS 248 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,320 So, you OK? 249 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,000 HE SCOFFS No. 250 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,840 Don't blame you, I wouldn't be. Grab a chair. 251 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:52,280 I don't need a chair. Can't have you looming over me. 252 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,320 I don't like it when you're looming. Sit. 253 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,160 I'm fine. 254 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,320 Are you standing because you're cross with me? 255 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:02,720 No. Oh, good. 256 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:06,520 I hate it when you're cross. Come on, sit down, park it. 257 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:07,640 Park it. 258 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,840 Madeline, I need to say something to you. 259 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:13,120 Good. First, tell me how you're feeling. 260 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:15,440 I'm fine. 261 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,320 No, no, don't just say that. I want to know how you feel. 262 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,160 And don't you try to hide anything, OK? 263 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,120 Because this is just you and me, talking. 264 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:23,920 Madeline, this is not about my feelings. 265 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:27,240 Don't be brave, of course it is. It's about the bloody tweet! 266 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,800 You are cross with me. No. Yes, you are. 267 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,800 No, it's not that I'm cross, that's not the point. 268 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,520 You sound cross. I'm not cross! 269 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,640 Then let's start again, then. 270 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,280 Could I just... What? 271 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:40,680 HE STAMMERS My hand. 272 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,400 Your hand? 273 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,120 Oh, Jesus. You really are angry, aren't you? 274 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,880 No, I'm not angry! Listen... Then let's talk properly. 275 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:51,640 It's just... What? 276 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,440 ..you always do this. Do what? 277 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,240 With the hands. Yeah. I'm tactile. I'm always tactile. 278 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:59,400 Well, not with everyone. Lucky you, then. 279 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,360 It just looks... What? ..odd. 280 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:02,960 Odd? Yeah, odd. 281 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:06,600 Oh, oh, you mean suspicious. Well, kind of. Yeah. 282 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:07,640 Jesus, really? 283 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:11,200 You mean people might think we're... what? Having an affair? 284 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:12,240 Well... 285 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,840 What people? Blind people? You and me, an affair? 286 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,160 I'm sorry... SHE LAUGHS 287 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,080 You're actually older than my dad. 288 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:23,680 Yeah, I'm aware of that, Madeline, but sometimes, people, you know... 289 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:27,240 Douglas, one of us is hot, and one of us is clever, 290 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,560 and unfortunately for you, both of those are me, so... 291 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:33,640 SHE LAUGHS ..stay in your lane, Romeo. 292 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,280 I know. I... HE CHUCKLES 293 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,440 I know. It just... it just looks... 294 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,800 I tell you what, then, if anyone walks in, 295 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,880 I'll take my hands away. OK? 296 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,680 There you go, all safe now. 297 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,720 KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS 298 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,640 Oh, I'm so sorry. No, no, come in. 299 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,440 I can come back in a moment. No, it's not... 300 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:52,960 There's nothing... What's up, Toby? 301 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,240 Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing. 302 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,800 Well, when I say nothing, I mean basically nothing 303 00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,920 but, you know, the tweet. Ah! 304 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,400 Yeah. I needed to talk really quite urgently 305 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:06,960 in the strongest possible terms about this tweeting situation. 306 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:10,240 Oh, you're both looking so cross. Why do men always attack in pairs? 307 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,960 No, I'm not gonna attack you. If anything, I'm gonna defend you. 308 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,600 Oh, I need a man to defend me, do I? 309 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,480 Well, no, no, no. Not defend you or attack you. 310 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,440 In fact, I'm remaining neutral in this conversation. 311 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,520 I'm trying to have literally no impact on anything 312 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,520 that is being said in this room. 313 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:26,560 To be clear, you're here 314 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,960 so you can "really quite urgently" have no impact on anything? 315 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,520 Yes. In the strongest possible terms? 316 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,520 Thanks, Toby. I think we can handle this. 317 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:38,840 PHONE RINGS Twitter? More like Twatter. 318 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,640 Sheila? Is he with Madeline? 319 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,800 Yes. Did you get him out? 320 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:47,120 Well, no. They're talking. It all seems fine. 321 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,080 Either you go in there with him or you get him out. 322 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,520 Oh, shit. Seriously, just get him out. 323 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:53,640 Yeah. Just a minute. 324 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,240 Are you wearing earpods? 325 00:13:58,240 --> 00:13:59,280 LOUDLY: Pardon? 326 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,960 LOUDLY: Are you wearing earpods? 327 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,920 It's soothing music. 328 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,080 Why? Because of all the shouting! 329 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,800 Do you understand why people are shouting? 330 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,400 Pardon? 331 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:15,840 SHOUTING: Do you understand why people are shouting?! 332 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,320 Erm... 333 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,480 Social media is a hazard, we all know that. 334 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:23,520 One wrong word at the wrong moment, you have no idea. 335 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:24,880 Don't need the lecture, Douglas. 336 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,840 I'm not lecturing you, and I'm not finished. 337 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:28,440 Tell me how you're feeling. 338 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,280 This is not about how I feel. 339 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,760 Toby tells me you can't even remember the joke. 340 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,280 You and your wine. 341 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:41,440 I'm talking about your tweet. I'm talking about you retweeting. 342 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,240 Yeah. Had to be done. 343 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:48,800 Listen, I realise on a surface level, 344 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:52,000 you were defending me, but the way this works... 345 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,320 Did you actually read what I wrote? Yes. 346 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,640 And? It was... Yes? 347 00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,760 Potentially... Yes? 348 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:02,880 ..I'm sure entirely unintentionally... 349 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,600 well, damaging. 350 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,000 No, it wasn't. It was definitely damaging. 351 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,360 Definitely and deliberately. 352 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,840 Look, it was a challenge. 353 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,720 I expressed my confidence you would never say anything sexist, 354 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:17,480 because otherwise, 355 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,880 I could never tolerate you as my co-presenter. 356 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,640 Right. 357 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:25,280 So, what happens now is anyone who heard you say anything sexist 358 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,400 at that wedding will now, you know, throw it in my face. 359 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:32,040 I challenged everyone on Twitter to prove me wrong. 360 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,320 And I'm a famous woman - 361 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,760 half the world gets a hard-on telling me I'm wrong. 362 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,640 And between you and me, so does the other half. 363 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,760 I mean, Jesus, your own wife... 364 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,720 My wife? 365 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,320 So, if somebody heard your dodgy joke, 366 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,360 I'm gonna be the first person they tell about it. 367 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,320 And we need to be first, 368 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,040 because apparently, you can't remember your joke, 369 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:54,320 and everyone - everyone, Douglas - is going to be looking for it. 370 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,840 We need a head start so we can defend you. OK? 371 00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,880 So I can defend you. 372 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:01,160 What do you mean, my wife? 373 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,360 You read that newspaper thing she supposedly edits? 374 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:04,520 She actually edits. 375 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:05,600 If you get a minute, 376 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,680 could you ask her why me in a bikini is a news story? 377 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,040 Ask her from me, woman to woman. 378 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:11,880 OK, look, the point here is - 379 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:15,120 the relevant point is nobody's going to be out there 380 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:16,280 looking for my joke. 381 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,960 Oh, oh, oh, trust me, there will be plenty of people looking. 382 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,720 I don't have that many enemies. Oh, Douglas, sweet Douglas. 383 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,600 Do you know what the rich and the famous have instead of enemies? 384 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,160 Friends. 385 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,400 KNOCK AT DOOR Come in! 386 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,960 Oh, sorry, sorry. 387 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,640 No, no, it's fine, come in. 388 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,360 If you're having a private moment... 389 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,320 We're not having any kind of private moment. 390 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,440 Well, if you're sure. Of course we're bloody sure. 391 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,600 Good, good. Sorry about that. 392 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,960 Always have to be careful with... this sort of thing. 393 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,240 What sort of thing? 394 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,240 Now, I don't want you to worry. I'm all over this. 395 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,240 We need to control the spread, 396 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,560 get on top of the fallout, mitigate the impact. 397 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,640 Does any of that actually mean anything? 398 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,200 I'm not forgetting the human element, 399 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,560 because that's what agenting is about, the human element. 400 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,880 Show me human suffering and I'll show you an agent. 401 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,360 Mind if I get a moment alone with my favourite presenter? 402 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,120 Fine. OK, Douglas? 403 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,120 My office? Wherever you like. 404 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,720 Now, talk me through how you're feeling, 405 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:18,040 because I would like to clarify that my agency has no time 406 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,960 for any sort of sexist humour, 407 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,320 and I personally have always struggled heroically 408 00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,680 against the insidious cancer of men... 409 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:25,800 What are you doing? 410 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,480 Leave this with me. I'm taking care of it. 411 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,960 You do understand you're my agent, not Madeline's? 412 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,440 Who even suggested I should be Madeline's agent? 413 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,200 Where did that idea come from, 414 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,800 when her own agent is probably in the building right now? 415 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,080 Hang on, where is Alex? 416 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:42,120 Surely he's here helping you at this difficult time? 417 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,360 Tell me he's here, Madeline. Would like me to phone him? 418 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,280 Bently, out. OK... 419 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:49,680 Some agents forget the importance of their own clients, 420 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,680 but I always remember the little people. 421 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,080 Go back to your office or I'll fire you again, 422 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,080 and this time, I won't change my mind 423 00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:58,560 because you're crying in my garden. 424 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,120 Look, I'm helping you. 425 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:01,880 Do you know how difficult this is gonna get? 426 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,880 I was up all night tracking it on Twitter. 427 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,080 Oh, you're telling me. 428 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:07,560 It's like having Darth Vader in your bed. 429 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,840 I'm sorry? 430 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:13,040 And Jeremy Clarkson. Like having both of them. 431 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,600 Not in your bed, at the end of the bed, just standing there. 432 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,160 Who are you? 433 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,800 And Greta Thunberg, if you like. The three of them. 434 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,880 She's just not funny, Greta Thunberg. 435 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,880 Douglas, your wife wants a word. I'll phone her back. 436 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,280 No, but now. I'll phone her. 437 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,520 He'll call you back. I want him out of there. 438 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,400 They were fine. They were completely calm. 439 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,760 He should be angry with her. He's entitled to be angry. 440 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,680 But every time he's angry with her, she just turns him off. 441 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:39,840 It's always the same. 442 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,240 He goes storming into work, ready to lay down the law, 443 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,920 and comes home explaining that Madeline was right all along. 444 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,800 How does she do that? I can't do that! 445 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,080 Sheila, please. You don't want them fighting, do you? 446 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:52,520 What I don't want, Toby, 447 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,800 is my husband wrapped around anyone else's little finger! 448 00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,560 That woman controls him, I don't know how, but she does. 449 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,560 SHEILA'S VOICE FADES 450 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,120 So, that's why you did it? That's why you tweeted? 451 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:25,760 You're saying you were trying to help me? 452 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:28,880 Of course I was trying to help you. What else would I be doing? OK. 453 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:31,160 Actually, I was trying to help a whole TV show 454 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,520 you decided to put in jeopardy because you got pissed at a wedding. 455 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,360 But yeah, I'm helping you too. 456 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,240 Jesus, come on. It's me. 457 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:42,760 It's me! 458 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,760 What, did you think I was just trying to... 459 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,120 trying to fuck you over? 460 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,600 Don't. 461 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,640 Oh, my God, you did. You thought I was fucking you over. 462 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,960 Look, Madeline... Get off me. 463 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,680 Look, if there's a problem here, you created it. 464 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,120 You're drawing attention to something that could've been - 465 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:02,160 would've been ignored. 466 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,880 The Hay Festival. The what? 467 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,480 The Hay Festival 90-minute interview. Yeah? 468 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,200 They've been researching you for over a month now. 469 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,160 You think they haven't been searching your name 470 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,520 on Twitter every day? 471 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,120 You think there's the slightest chance 472 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,560 they didn't find that wedding story before I even saw it? 473 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,000 The guy who heard your joke - he's gone silent, yeah? 474 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,840 Yeah. No. 475 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,280 He's just talking to somebody else - your interviewer. 476 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:26,400 You don't know that. 477 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,880 Of course I don't know it, it's just an incredibly good guess. 478 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,800 It's not that kind of interview, it's just a chat about my career. 479 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,640 It's an interview with an industry colleague 480 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:34,960 who is less well-paid than you. 481 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,920 You're not chatting about your career any more, 482 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,200 you're trying to save it. 483 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,600 So, what we need to do now is prep you for hostile questioning 484 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,880 about an offensive joke you can't even remember telling 485 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,880 but which has endangered the credibility 486 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,160 of everyone you work with. 487 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:50,800 And all this because basically... wine! 488 00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,320 I wasn't that drunk. What was the joke, then? 489 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,320 I don't remember. 490 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,560 Too drunk to remember is "that drunk". 491 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,800 So, what we need to do right now as a priority 492 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,120 is find out what bloody stupid thing you said. 493 00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:08,200 I'm so sorry I'm not just clucking around you like Toby, 494 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,800 or... or being clinically useless like your agent. 495 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,800 So, so sorry I'm actually trying to help. 496 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:19,320 Fuck you. Seriously, fuck, fuck you. 497 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:33,640 Say something nice. 498 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,520 I just got accused of stabbing my best friend in the back 499 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,280 because I was trying to help him. 500 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:44,960 Say something nice. 501 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,600 You're my friend too. Your friend? 502 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:56,960 My best friend. 503 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,880 You and me, best friends against the world. 504 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:08,800 That's what you said when I started. Yeah. I know. 505 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,640 You've always had my back, and now I've got yours. 506 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:16,120 You understand I'm helping you, yeah? Yes. 507 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:17,920 You get that it's a smart move, yeah? 508 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:19,960 Well... yeah. 509 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,960 Because I'm going to need your support with Toby. 510 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,680 Toby's terrified of you. 511 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:27,080 Yeah. And men are always so nice to the women who terrify them. 512 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,000 That always works out well for us. 513 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,080 Look, if people here think my tweet was an attack on you, 514 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,400 if Toby thinks that, then... 515 00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:39,680 ..in this office... I'm toast. 516 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,760 You're not toast. I need you to support me. 517 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:44,000 I do support you. But openly. 518 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,200 I will openly support you. 519 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,040 I mean specifically support what I tweeted. 520 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,520 I will. I'll... I'll tell everyone I'm fine with it. 521 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,080 You don't have to do that. No, I do. I genuinely want to. 522 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,560 Just retweet me. 523 00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:56,880 Just retweet my tweet. 524 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,640 We could do with the signal boost anyway. 525 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:03,000 How many followers do you have? Same as me, couple of million? 526 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,200 Yeah, thereabouts. I mean... I mean... 527 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,040 HE STAMMERS ..I can see the logic in that. 528 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:11,200 Great. Mm. 529 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,080 Thanks. 530 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,280 Do you have your phone? 531 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,720 My phone? Yeah, your phone. 532 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:27,240 Go on, then. Retweet me. 533 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:34,320 Get my back. Support me. 534 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:39,000 Erm... 535 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:50,960 Is it slowing? A bit. 536 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,920 Anyone picking up on it? Any press? 537 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,440 Someone's bound to. 538 00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:56,240 The Hay Festival - Douglas's interview. 539 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,680 What about it? 540 00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,520 I heard a rumour. I cannot divulge the source. 541 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,160 Is it Peter? Yes. 542 00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,520 What's the rumour? They switched Douglas's interviewer. 543 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,080 They promised us Gavin. 544 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,080 It's not gonna be Gavin. It's gonna be a woman. 545 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,440 Which woman? I don't know... 546 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,520 OK, well, then we're not any clearer. 547 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:11,920 ..but it's a Newsnight one. 548 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:15,440 Oh, dear Christ. 549 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,720 Sorry, sorry, should've knocked. 550 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,680 Er, Douglas, there's been a development. 551 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,920 The Hay people. Have they cancelled? 552 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,680 Er, no. They are changing the interviewer. 553 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:32,040 It's gonna be a woman. Which one? 554 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:34,040 A Newsnight one... Oh, fuck! 555 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,840 ..which does rather suggest they might be going a bit, 556 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,280 you know, feminist - no offence. Offence? 557 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,600 So, God forbid, they might wanna talk about the joke. 558 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:44,000 Toby, sorry. There's... There's been a retweet. 559 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:45,720 Madeline's been retweeted. 560 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:47,880 TOBY EXHALES OK. 561 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:49,200 But it's a big one. 562 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,680 Who? 563 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,640 Yeah. I retweeted. I retweeted Madeline. 564 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,760 It was my idea. 565 00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,600 But... we're trying to close this down. 566 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:00,640 We're trying to end this! 567 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,440 Don't shout at me. I'm not shouting. 568 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,400 I was defending him, why wouldn't he retweet me? 569 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,480 SHOUTS: Because we want this over! Stop shouting! 570 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:07,680 SHOUTS: I'm not shouting! 571 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,280 PHONE BUZZES Ooh, it's my wife. 572 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,000 I'll step out. No, you don't have to. 573 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,600 I'm sure it's just... Madeline, a word. 574 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:14,640 I know what you're gonna say. What the fuck?! 575 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,880 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 576 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:18,720 Yeah, I retweeted Madeline. 577 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,600 Fuck, fuck, fuck! It would look odd if I didn't. 578 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,640 She was defending me. YELLS: Fuck! 579 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:24,920 Look, never mind that now. 580 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:26,440 You were going to get her to delete it. 581 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:28,240 Well, you said yourself that wasn't useful. 582 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,040 How is retweeting her useful? 583 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:31,200 Never mind Madeline. 584 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,400 They've switched the interviewer for Hay. 585 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:34,680 It's a woman. 586 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,840 A Newsnight one. BELLOWS: Fuck! 587 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:41,280 Toby thinks they know about the joke and will bring it up. 588 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,240 What do you think? I should cancel, shouldn't I? 589 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,640 You're being accused of sexism, 590 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:46,400 and now you're going to cancel an interview 591 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,640 because they're switching the interviewer to a woman. 592 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,160 Yeah, that could be misinterpreted. 593 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:53,720 That's not misinterpreted. That's just interpreted. 594 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,400 Now, you tell me why in the name of God did you retweet her? 595 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:58,960 Because it would look odd if I didn't! 596 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,000 No, it wouldn't. Yes, I think it would. 597 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,200 I really do. Who told you that? 598 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,120 We discussed it. 599 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:08,520 Madeline told you that. Look, forget the bloody tweet. 600 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,480 What about the bloody interview? 601 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:12,200 You need to prep. I know. 602 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,000 No, I mean actually rehearse. 603 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,480 You need an interview rehearsal. A what? 604 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,680 An interview rehearsal. 605 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,880 We'll find someone really good, someone we can trust, 606 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:22,720 who'll give you the hardest time possible, 607 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,600 who'll come at you from every angle. 608 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:25,840 But you need practice. 609 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,320 Agreed. Bill could do it, or Francis. 610 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:32,360 Cass... is a bit vegan, but a woman would be good. 611 00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:34,040 Yeah. But listen, Douglas. 612 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,960 Not Madeline! OK. 613 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:40,040 You keep Madeline out of this. Anyone but Madeline. OK. 614 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,920 Because I swear on my life, you cannot trust that woman. 615 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,280 I know. No, no, no. You really can't. 616 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:46,320 I know. 617 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,320 Yeah. You say that, but actually, do you? 618 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,320 I do. I really do. 619 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,160 She plays you. She what? 620 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,720 Madeline. She plays you. Oh, no, she doesn't. 621 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,560 You went in today to read her the riot act. 622 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,640 How long did it take her to get you doing exactly what she wanted? 623 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,240 How many minutes before you were doing the exact opposite 624 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,160 of what you went in there to do? 625 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,800 You were going to get her to delete her Twitter account. 626 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,800 Instead, you retweeted her. 627 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,600 She played you. Do you get that? Well, no, I do. 628 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:18,840 I mean, I do, I get it. Hang on. I'll call you back in five. 629 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,000 MADELINE: You got a moment? TOBY: We've had an idea. 630 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,640 A rehearsal. An interview rehearsal. 631 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,560 OK, so we'll put you in the spotlight 632 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:26,880 and throw everything at you 633 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:28,920 till you can answer every question in your sleep. 634 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,400 We get someone who can really needle you, really go for it, 635 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,160 punch you till you learn how to smile and knock it away. 636 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,680 Douglas, take that look off your face. 637 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,920 What look? The answer is no. 638 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:41,680 I'm sorry? No, I won't do it. It can't be me. 639 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,800 I can't do the prep interview. Obviously not. 640 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:46,720 OK. Well, fair enough, yeah. 641 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:50,000 Has to be someone else. Someone good, but someone else. 642 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,000 Well, fine, yeah. Yeah. For the obvious reasons. 643 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,360 Yeah. OK. OK, good. 644 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:58,280 What reasons? Well, the obvious ones. 645 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,760 What obvious ones? Well, you know. You two. 646 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:04,560 Just that, really. You two. What does that even mean? 647 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,880 There is... How does one put it? 648 00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,440 I don't know, how does one? 649 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,480 You two have a certain... chemistry. A warmth. 650 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:15,520 A mutual... you know, thing. 651 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:18,560 I think you'd both find it very hard to be sufficiently, erm... 652 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,800 well, let's say dispassionate about each other. 653 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,840 What are you implying? I'm not implying anything. 654 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:23,880 We're co-presenters. 655 00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:26,560 We present together, that's all. We're professional. 656 00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:28,600 Of course you are, no-one's saying you aren't. 657 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,720 There's nothing for us to be dispassionate about! 658 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,640 All I'm trying to suggest... Shut up, Toby, he's right. 659 00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,480 I should do it. 660 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,680 I will. I'll do it. I'll do the prep interview. 661 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:43,000 No, can I just...? I don't think... Honestly, it's fine. You win. 662 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,480 I'll do it. 663 00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:46,520 Are you sure? Course I'm sure. 664 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,480 I can give this guy a hard time, right, Douglas? 665 00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,720 Erm... PHONE BUZZES 666 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:52,240 Oh, can I just...? It's Sheila. 667 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:55,440 You know what we should do? We can use studio B, make it proper. 668 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:57,440 Let's go talk to Jenn, we'll schedule something. 669 00:28:57,440 --> 00:28:59,400 I'm gonna see her right now. I'll come with you. 670 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,560 Don't worry, I'm all over this. 671 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:05,760 Hey. Crazy idea - me. 672 00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:07,880 Sorry, what? I'll do the prep interview. 673 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,000 What do you think? 674 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:13,520 HE STAMMERS 675 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:14,800 You're my wife. 676 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,600 We've been married for 20 years, it's not the first date any more, 677 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:19,200 and I'm an awesome interviewer. 678 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,080 How many careers have I personally destroyed - 679 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,840 and not just the proper villains, really good people too? 680 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:26,800 Why aren't you saying anything? 681 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,920 I'm just absorbing. Come on, this would work. 682 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:32,040 I can be tough on you. 683 00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:33,680 Who can be tougher on you than your wife? 684 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,480 If there's anyone in this world who can get under your skin 685 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:38,360 better than me, I'd like to know who it is. 686 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:41,040 We could get studio B tomorrow morning, we can even record it. 687 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:42,480 Oh, sorry. You're on the phone. 688 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:44,280 It's Sheila. 689 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,280 'Is that Toby?' 690 00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:47,880 It's... It's Madeline. 691 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:53,520 She says "hi". 692 00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:58,160 "Hi" back. 693 00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,200 Get me Toby. Is he there? Let me talk to him. 694 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,000 Yeah, well, Toby isn't, erm... I'll phone him. I'll just phone him. 695 00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:05,160 We can use one of the studios, do it properly. 696 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:09,280 Toby thinks Madeline should do it. Toby suggested Madeline. 697 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:15,440 And what did you say? 698 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:18,520 Well, we're only just, er, starting to talk about it. 699 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:20,600 Douglas. Hm? What did you say? 700 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:22,680 Well, we're literally discussing right now. 701 00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:24,800 Me or Madeline? What did you say? 702 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:26,960 Oh, this is good. This is... This is brand new. 703 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:28,960 This is... This is uncharted. 704 00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:30,600 Basically, you're getting competitive 705 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,080 over who can tear me apart best! 706 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:33,880 Who's winning? 707 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,560 'Douglas?' 708 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:42,640 'Who's winning?' 709 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:16,200 PHONE RINGS 710 00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:18,640 PHONE BUZZES Oh. 711 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:24,800 Hello, yes? Ah, Douglas. It's me, Bently. 712 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,800 Don't phone back, I just wanted to leave a message of support. 713 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:30,840 No, this is me, Bently. This isn't voicemail. 714 00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:33,760 It's always darkest before the dawn. 715 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:36,480 No, I'm here, Bently. Is it, though? Is that true? 716 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:38,280 It's more of a sort of light grey, isn't it? 717 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:40,480 'This isn't... I'm here, Bently.' Oh, never mind. 718 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,920 At some point prior to dawn, it's very, very dark. 719 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:46,920 But... But, Douglas, however dark it gets, 720 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:49,040 you must always remember that the dawn will come, 721 00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,320 that the light will return... 722 00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:53,920 unless you die in the night, but that's never gonna happen. 723 00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:58,000 Well, it is someday, but... let's not get bogged down with that. 724 00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:59,440 Who says you're gonna die at night? 725 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:01,080 You could die at any time at your age. 726 00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,560 On a sunny day on a beach, 727 00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:06,280 just when you're feeling happy and safe. 728 00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:07,720 That's how I'd like to go. 729 00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:11,720 Or in a helicopter. Never been in a helicopter. 730 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:14,760 It'd be good to get that in before... the end. 731 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:17,640 Anyway, listen. 732 00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:21,760 I know what you're thinking - all those other scandals, 733 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:25,720 all those lives crushed beyond repair 734 00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:30,400 by the cruel media jaws of inexorable tragedy. 735 00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,520 You're thinking of, erm... 736 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:36,600 oh, God, whatshisname. 737 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,320 Oh, and that other one. 738 00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,360 But... But listen, listen. 739 00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:44,960 You're not in their level of trouble. 740 00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:46,240 You don't have their profile. 741 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:49,600 Well, you may do after this, but... 742 00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:53,600 Anyway, the point is that for every life utterly destroyed 743 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:54,680 by this sort of thing, 744 00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:57,720 there's always someone who gets through it perfectly well. 745 00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:02,360 Can't think of any at the moment, but... 746 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:03,800 Oh, Bob Geldof! 747 00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:06,440 He's never been in any trouble. 748 00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:09,800 He did Live Aid. 749 00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:12,880 Met him once in a Harvester in Wandsworth. 750 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:16,440 He's a lovely man, despite the brogue. 751 00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:18,800 Angela Rippon. 752 00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:22,360 Met her too at a KFC. 753 00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:24,520 Beautiful woman. 754 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:25,720 Tremendous grip strength. 755 00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:30,040 In fairness, I made her angry because I jumped the queue. 756 00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:32,600 BENTLY CHUCKLES 757 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:34,480 PHONE LOCKS 758 00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:02,000 TOM: Ironic. 759 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,480 Excuse me? I was just thinking, ironic. 760 00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:07,960 What is? 761 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,600 Well, you mistaking a driver for a writer. 762 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:12,480 Oh. You heard about that. 763 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:14,560 Well, yeah. It was me. 764 00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:20,600 Yes. Yes, I know. Yeah. That's what I meant. 765 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:24,400 Oh, OK. So, I was just saying, ironic. 766 00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:29,000 You know why? No. 767 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,640 Cos I think I might be a writer. OK. 768 00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:35,520 I'm having lots of concepts. Oh, good. 769 00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:37,560 I'm having a concept for a sitcom at the moment. 770 00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:38,680 Sitcom's dead. 771 00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:44,840 Is it? Yep. Dead. 772 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:46,320 Well, that's disappointing. 773 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:49,960 Just had a concept. TOM TUTS 774 00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:51,240 Sorry. 775 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:58,720 What's not dead? Er, movies. Big movies. 776 00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:02,600 OK, so I should have a concept for a movie, then? Yeah. 777 00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:11,200 You involved in movies? 778 00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:13,080 PHONE RINGS No. 779 00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:14,400 TOBY CLEARS THROAT 780 00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:17,240 Douglas, have you chosen? You have to choose. 781 00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:19,120 They are both prepping to interview you. 782 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:20,440 Oh. 783 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:23,440 Oh, OK. 784 00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:25,640 Did you tell her? 785 00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:30,040 Right. Good. 786 00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:31,800 How did it go down? 787 00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:37,720 Yeah, I bet. TOBY CLEARS THROAT 788 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:43,520 OK, no worries. See you tomorrow. 789 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:49,240 TOBY SIGHS 790 00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:55,560 I've got a concept for a movie now. Oh, Christ. 791 00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:58,360 Er, sorry, I'm just... 792 00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:01,840 No, it's no problem. It's, er, early stages. 793 00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:03,400 Yeah, of course. Obviously. 794 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:13,960 So, how's the wife? 795 00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:17,640 Erm... 796 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:53,960 DRAMATIC RUMBLING, INTENSIFIES 797 00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:55,200 NORMAL SOUNDSCAPE RESUMES 798 00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:58,840 So, we will treat this like a real interview. OK? 799 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,480 No pit stops this time round, we just keep pressing on. OK? 800 00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:04,320 We'll have the recording, we'll review afterwards. 801 00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:05,720 Yeah. 802 00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:07,600 You're really sure about this? Of course. 803 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,520 I mean her. 804 00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:13,280 Yes! OK. Your choice, obviously. 805 00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:15,000 DOOR OPENS 806 00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:19,760 Sheila! Hi. 807 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:21,440 I didn't know you were coming in today. 808 00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:22,720 DOOR OPENS 809 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:28,480 Hi! Hi, everyone. Hi, Madeline. 810 00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:31,480 Or should I call you Emily? 811 00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:36,600 No, Kirsty - she's Scottish. Yeah. Kirsty. 812 00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:41,640 Hello, Sheila. Come to watch? This is gonna be fun, yeah? 813 00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:46,160 Sheila, shall we go into the viewing room? 814 00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:49,600 We can watch from there. Sure. 815 00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:27,920 Hey. 816 00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:35,960 God, this is ridiculous, isn't it? I mean, you interviewing me. 817 00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:40,720 I mean... rehearsing me - helping me, obviously. 818 00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:51,880 But it's all so ridiculous, isn't it? 819 00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:57,240 I mean, how can there be all this fuss about a stupid joke? 820 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:02,360 It wasn't a joke, though, was it? 821 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:10,440 It was a story. And they all laughed. 822 00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:12,160 All those men laughed. 823 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,840 And the story you told them was about me. 824 00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:19,120 TOBY OVER RADIO: 'OK, studio, here we go.' 825 00:39:19,120 --> 00:39:20,840 BELL RINGS 826 00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:24,560 Stop! 827 00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:49,720 Simon, plotline for a action-comedy movie with sequel potential. 828 00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:53,480 Simon is a man. 829 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:21,240 No - Martin. 830 00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:26,800 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com