1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:08,921 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:11,098 please welcome Corey Rodrigues. 5 00:00:11,141 --> 00:00:14,101 [APPLAUSE] 6 00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:15,885 [GRUNTS] 7 00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:20,933 Boston. 8 00:00:26,374 --> 00:00:29,551 Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. 9 00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:31,857 I'm from Boston. Give it up for Boston! 10 00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:36,427 - [ALL CHEER] - [LAUGHS] 11 00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:38,734 Typical reaction. She just gave me the thumb down. 12 00:00:38,777 --> 00:00:40,649 That's what it is all the time. 13 00:00:40,692 --> 00:00:42,172 I used to live in New York for a while, 14 00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:45,306 wear my Patriot shirts, and when I wear stuff like that, 15 00:00:45,349 --> 00:00:50,398 people immediately, "Really? You're going to wear that? 16 00:00:50,441 --> 00:00:51,529 "That's what you're gonna rock?" 17 00:00:51,573 --> 00:00:52,878 "Yeah, that's what I'm gonna wear." 18 00:00:52,922 --> 00:00:54,532 Everyone wants to fight. 19 00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:56,143 Like they care, like they really care. 20 00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:59,189 Like, I'm a sports guy, but I'm not like a, you know, 21 00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:03,019 not like a "fight you over the team" type of dude. 22 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,977 "I'm a Yankees fan." Okay, cool. 23 00:01:05,021 --> 00:01:06,718 - MAN: Whoo! - Yeah. No, I'm not. 24 00:01:06,762 --> 00:01:10,157 I was making fun of people who are. 25 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,767 It's the lady who gave me the thumbs down. 26 00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:12,942 That's what I'm saying. 27 00:01:13,856 --> 00:01:15,336 [GRUMBLING] "Red Sox." 28 00:01:15,379 --> 00:01:17,338 Every always has a story when they come to Boston. 29 00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:19,383 "You guys are crazy." Aren't we? 30 00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:21,646 "I was wearing a Yankees hat and someone hit my son 31 00:01:21,690 --> 00:01:23,387 "in the head with a rock. 32 00:01:23,431 --> 00:01:27,043 "Why would you do that?" I'm like, "It wasn't me!" 33 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:30,655 I got a little fatter recently. I gained some weight. 34 00:01:30,699 --> 00:01:34,094 And nobody is denying that. Uh... 35 00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:37,793 That's how you know it's a fact. [CHUCKLES] 36 00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:41,013 I'm not fat-fat. I'm just fat for me. 37 00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:42,537 You know what I mean? I know what I look like. 38 00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:44,365 I'm not like, oh, my God. People are like, 39 00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:46,106 "You look great." I'm like, "That's 'cause you're fatter than me." 40 00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:51,154 You have to watch who gives you the compliment. 41 00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,374 It's not always a good compliment. 42 00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:55,463 I look good in a shirt. I look like a lot of you. 43 00:01:55,506 --> 00:01:57,682 You look good in a shirt, you know what I mean? 44 00:01:57,726 --> 00:01:58,944 Yeah, I know. 45 00:01:58,988 --> 00:02:00,076 You ever see a guy take his shirt off? 46 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,121 You're like, "What happened? 47 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,863 "How are you fat and skinny at the same time? 48 00:02:06,038 --> 00:02:08,824 "Ew, what is that? 49 00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:11,305 "You got that little E.T. belly. Put your shirt back on. 50 00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:13,045 [GAGS] "It's gross!" 51 00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:17,920 Can't it wait? It's weird. Stop laughing, lady. 52 00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:19,095 I'm moving on. 53 00:02:20,879 --> 00:02:22,751 You know you gained weight when you leave your belt at home 54 00:02:22,794 --> 00:02:24,840 and you're like, "I'll be fine." 55 00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:27,321 'Cause that belt digs into your stomach. 56 00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:28,974 Do you ever take your belt off at the end of the night, 57 00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:30,498 you start scratching where your buckle was like, 58 00:02:30,541 --> 00:02:33,283 "Oh, my God, I think there's poison in my buckle. 59 00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:35,329 "I think I'm allergic to the metal. 60 00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:37,374 "What is that?" [GROANS] 61 00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:40,682 Start scratching that little area on your belly. [CHUCKLES] 62 00:02:40,725 --> 00:02:42,466 Here's what you do when you start getting fat. 63 00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:43,989 The first thing you do is you... 64 00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,949 you just stop putting, You know, putting your shirt in. 65 00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:48,298 You just leave your shirt out 66 00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:50,648 like, "I'll never tuck this shirt in again." 67 00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,041 And then you get to the bottom button. 68 00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:53,303 You're like, "I don't need this bottom button." 69 00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:55,784 And then you get to two buttons. 70 00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:57,829 You're like, "I don't need these two buttons." 71 00:02:57,873 --> 00:02:59,788 You can't get to three. It looks like you're wearing a cape. 72 00:02:59,831 --> 00:03:02,138 You have to stop. 73 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,096 At some point, you have to give it up. 74 00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:05,750 You're fat. [CHUCKLES] 75 00:03:05,794 --> 00:03:08,231 And don't get all ass tight in here either. 76 00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:11,539 Like, if you're happy and fat, I'm not talking to you. 77 00:03:11,582 --> 00:03:13,584 I'm talking to the dudes that still walk by the mirror 78 00:03:13,628 --> 00:03:15,673 and go... [INHALES] "...two weeks. 79 00:03:17,414 --> 00:03:19,895 "I'll be right back where I need to be." 80 00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:23,333 [CHUCKLES] 'Cause at a certain point, it's over. 81 00:03:23,377 --> 00:03:24,856 It's going to take a lot longer than two weeks 82 00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:25,944 to get rid of that belly. 83 00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:29,470 If you want to make any guy feel vulnerable, 84 00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:30,558 I don't care who he is. 85 00:03:30,601 --> 00:03:31,863 I don't care how confident he is. 86 00:03:31,907 --> 00:03:33,256 Just touch his back fat. 87 00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:36,738 I don't care how cool the guy seems. 88 00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:38,348 Go right here. Go like this. He'll go, "What the fuck? 89 00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:39,436 "Don't touch me right there. 90 00:03:40,394 --> 00:03:42,091 "Don't do that." 91 00:03:42,134 --> 00:03:44,615 [CHUCKLES] It's the same reaction you get from a woman. 92 00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:45,877 You ever touch a woman under that arm? 93 00:03:45,921 --> 00:03:47,096 That little nana arm? 94 00:03:47,139 --> 00:03:48,184 That little... [MIMICS SKIN FLAPPING] 95 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,664 That little fat. 96 00:03:49,707 --> 00:03:51,927 If you squeeze that fat, she'll go, "Don't touch me!" 97 00:03:53,581 --> 00:03:55,844 A guy will do the same thing. [CHUCKLES] 98 00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:57,846 You know why? Because whenever you touch a guy, 99 00:03:57,889 --> 00:04:00,283 he tries to make it hard. It doesn't matter what it is. 100 00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:01,676 It could be your grandfather. 101 00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:02,894 If you touch his shoulder, he'll go... [GRUNTS] 102 00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:05,767 [CHUCKLES] You touch his bicep. 103 00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:06,985 [GRUNTS] 104 00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:08,857 You touch his calf. [GRUNTS] 105 00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:12,295 A lot of you nasty. [CHUCKLES] 106 00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:14,341 Yeah, what kind of grandfather you got? 107 00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:16,952 I'm not touching him on his dick. 108 00:04:16,995 --> 00:04:19,128 That's what you wanted me to say. 109 00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:21,609 You know what you can't make hard? Fat. 110 00:04:21,652 --> 00:04:25,177 There's nothing you can do to tighten up fat. 111 00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:27,571 There's one thing you could do, but nobody's gonna really do it. 112 00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:29,573 'Cause I've tried it. You have to lean into it. 113 00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:33,055 Like, if you lean into the fat, it gets real tight right there. 114 00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:35,231 You go like... [GRUNTS] But no one's gonna do that. 115 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,233 They're gonna be like. "Hey, don't touch me right there. 116 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,279 "Watch it." 117 00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:41,585 [CHUCKLES] 118 00:04:43,979 --> 00:04:46,024 I was with my uncle recently, 119 00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:47,809 and sometimes you're with a family member, 120 00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:49,854 and you're like "Oh, you're the one who gave me 121 00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:51,073 "a complex in my brain." 122 00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:52,553 I was with my uncle. 123 00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:54,163 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just saw it develop. 124 00:04:54,206 --> 00:04:56,252 I was hanging out with him, and he was like, "Yo, man," 125 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,732 he said, "when you were four," 126 00:04:57,775 --> 00:04:59,342 he said, "Corey, when you were four, 127 00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:01,605 "you used to be afraid of the dark, 128 00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:03,868 "so I used to put you in a clothes hamper and sit on it." 129 00:05:05,174 --> 00:05:06,523 He was like, "You were so strong, 130 00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:07,568 "you would fight your way out." 131 00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:09,874 [CHUCKLES] 132 00:05:09,918 --> 00:05:10,962 He said, "I bet you're not afraid 133 00:05:11,006 --> 00:05:13,051 "of the dark anymore, are you?" 134 00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:14,923 And then he just was looking straight ahead, 135 00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:16,446 and I thought he was going to be like, "I'm just playing." 136 00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:18,013 But he didn't say, "I'm just playing." 137 00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:22,060 He just left it, and I was like, "Yo, that's fucked up." 138 00:05:22,104 --> 00:05:23,801 And he was like, "No, for real, are you afraid of the dark?" 139 00:05:23,845 --> 00:05:25,890 And I was like, "No, I'm not afraid of the dark," but I am. 140 00:05:25,934 --> 00:05:27,370 I'm afraid of the dark. 141 00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:29,372 I'm a grown man, and when I take my trash out 142 00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:32,897 at night, I still run back in the house, to this day. 143 00:05:32,941 --> 00:05:35,770 When I take my trash out late, I talk shit the whole time. 144 00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:37,380 [CHUCKLES] Walking by with the barrel like, 145 00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:40,035 "I know you're back there. I hear you behind the tree. 146 00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:41,950 "You better come out now. My dad's standing in the doorway 147 00:05:41,993 --> 00:05:43,255 "with a gun. He's gonna shoot you." 148 00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,433 I don't live with my dad. I have my own house. 149 00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:48,522 But It seems like that's supposed 150 00:05:48,565 --> 00:05:50,872 to scare people who want to hurt you. 151 00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:52,656 I can just imagine all my neighbors 152 00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:55,311 watching me on their Ring cameras. 153 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:58,445 Telling the other neighbors, "Look at him. He's crazy." 154 00:05:58,488 --> 00:06:00,403 You know, in the Ring camera, your eyes are all lit up. 155 00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:02,536 You see me out there like, "I hear you back there. 156 00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:05,495 "I hear the leaves crackling." [CHUCKLES] 157 00:06:05,539 --> 00:06:07,584 Nothing worse than seeing a dude running, 158 00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:09,194 stabbing backwards for no reason. 159 00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:12,894 Taking my trash out with a knife. 160 00:06:12,937 --> 00:06:14,809 That's from watching too much Forensic Files 161 00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:16,071 and all the other stuff. 162 00:06:16,114 --> 00:06:17,551 That's when they get you. They're like, 163 00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:20,815 "As soon as he went outside, we went in the house. 164 00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:23,992 "Started moving around his mugs." [CHUCKLES] 165 00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:28,213 "Who touched my cups?" 166 00:06:28,257 --> 00:06:30,433 Dude's in the closet listening to you fight with your wife. 167 00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:34,698 "I took your cups." [CHUCKLES] 168 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,222 I don't know. 169 00:06:37,266 --> 00:06:39,094 I think you gotta stop messing with kids like that. 170 00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:41,401 Seriously, people fuck with kids. 171 00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:43,315 You lie to kids all the time. 172 00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:44,969 Someone will say to their kids, 173 00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:46,536 "You keep acting up, I'm not gonna take you to Disney." 174 00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:47,885 Bullshit. 175 00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:49,191 You already paid for the tickets. 176 00:06:50,671 --> 00:06:52,542 Y'all are going. That kid could say anything to you. 177 00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:53,587 You're going. 178 00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:57,895 You're going away. You be lying to 'em. 179 00:06:57,939 --> 00:07:00,245 And now it's different. Anybody in the room have kids under ten? 180 00:07:01,769 --> 00:07:02,813 Yeah? Four of you? 181 00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:06,469 Fucking grandparent crowd. What is this? 182 00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:09,733 We'll get to you. 183 00:07:14,825 --> 00:07:16,087 [CHUCKLES] 184 00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:18,220 Nah, under ten, we raise kids differently. 185 00:07:18,263 --> 00:07:19,482 I have a eight and a five-year-old. 186 00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:21,136 Way different. Way different. 187 00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:23,268 We care. I have two sons. 188 00:07:23,312 --> 00:07:25,009 I kiss my sons, and I mean it. 189 00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:26,141 You know what I mean, I kiss him. 190 00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:27,795 I'm like, "I love you." 191 00:07:27,838 --> 00:07:29,623 And I'm not like, "Be a fucking man." I don't hit him 192 00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:31,102 and make him get away from me after. 193 00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:32,669 I hug him and say nice things to him. 194 00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:34,279 It wasn't like that for me growing up. 195 00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:35,629 I grew up with my grandfather. 196 00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,892 My grandfather, he's an old southern Black dude. 197 00:07:37,935 --> 00:07:40,111 It wasn't like that. I remember one time I told him I love him. 198 00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:41,591 I said, "I love you." He said, "Thank you." 199 00:07:43,811 --> 00:07:45,856 I said, "No, I said I love you." He said, "That's nice." 200 00:07:46,901 --> 00:07:49,338 That's nice? 201 00:07:49,381 --> 00:07:51,122 I always had my grandmother to soften the blow. 202 00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:52,776 She'd be like, "You know he loves you. 203 00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:54,909 "You got a place to stay. 204 00:07:54,952 --> 00:07:56,780 "You got food to eat." I'm like, "I'm four. 205 00:07:56,824 --> 00:07:58,086 "I thought that just came with it." 206 00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:01,393 [CHUCKLES] 207 00:08:01,437 --> 00:08:04,092 I didn't know that's how it was going down. 208 00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:06,486 It's way different. I explain stuff to my kids. 209 00:08:06,529 --> 00:08:07,965 No one explained stuff to... 210 00:08:08,009 --> 00:08:09,967 If I got yelled at for something that was a mistake, 211 00:08:10,011 --> 00:08:11,491 I just had to eat that. 212 00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:14,668 Nobody came back to me the next day like, "I'm sorry 213 00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,844 "for yelling at you. I was upset." 214 00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:18,976 Never. It's just like, take it. 215 00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:22,023 You know we love you 'cause you got food and shelter. 216 00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:24,895 They didn't help you with shit. 217 00:08:24,939 --> 00:08:26,506 Making any extra meals. 218 00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:28,377 I see my friends making their kids extra meals. 219 00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,205 Yeah, right. 220 00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:34,992 My grandmother would make liver, cabbage, rice, corn bread, 221 00:08:35,036 --> 00:08:36,298 and I was like, "I don't want any liver." 222 00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:37,908 Well, I was eating a lot of rice, 223 00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,170 cabbage, and corn bread. 224 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,130 No one was like, "You want me to get a pizza? 225 00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:44,349 "Do you want some chicken nuggets? 226 00:08:44,393 --> 00:08:45,394 Never. 227 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,745 You had to just fucking take it. 228 00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:51,966 Oh, way different. I apologize to my kids so much now. 229 00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:55,012 I was on the on the phone, talking to, I don't know, 230 00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:56,797 Bank of America maybe or whatever, 231 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,190 I'm trying to get through and I'm so mad 232 00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:00,322 'cause I'm on there and I'm like... 233 00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:02,585 "Operator. Associate." Right. 234 00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:06,110 "Sir, in a few words, please explain..." 235 00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:09,723 "Associate!" "In a few words, could you please explain 236 00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:11,420 "the reason for your call?" "Associate! Associate! 237 00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:12,987 "Associate! Associate! Associate! 238 00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:15,816 "Operator! Help! Person! Help! Help! Help Person! 239 00:09:15,859 --> 00:09:18,209 "Associate! Associate! Emergency! Associate!" 240 00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:23,040 "Sir, in a few words, could you please explain... 241 00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:24,389 "...we can better route your call." 242 00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,566 "Associate! Associate! Associate! Associate!" 243 00:09:26,609 --> 00:09:29,264 And my son came in the room and he stepped on my feet. 244 00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:31,483 He acts like he can't see my feet ever. 245 00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:33,573 He's standing all on 'em. 246 00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:35,313 I'm like, "Get out off of me!" 247 00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:38,795 He ran out the room. I felt bad. 248 00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:40,667 I don't think anybody ever felt bad for me. 249 00:09:40,710 --> 00:09:42,407 I fucking felt bad. 250 00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:45,106 He left the room. I went later. I was apologizing to him. 251 00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,411 I was like, "Hey, you okay?" 252 00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:47,848 He said, "Why you keep saying associates?" 253 00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,763 I was like, "Because I was... 254 00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:53,593 "I was trying to get through on the phone. 255 00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:56,987 "It had nothing to do with you. I love you. I love you a lot." 256 00:09:57,031 --> 00:09:59,424 [CHUCKLES] "You okay? Is everything all right?" 257 00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:01,252 [CHUCKLES] 258 00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:04,865 I feel bad for grandparents, man. 259 00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:07,041 Grandparents are the ones that have to go through it now. 260 00:10:07,084 --> 00:10:08,520 Somebody drops their kids off to you, 261 00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:09,826 they give you all kinds of shit. 262 00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:14,222 "You're gonna take 'em. Don't give 'em any milk. 263 00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:16,616 "Don't give 'em any cheese. Don't give 'em any onions. 264 00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,095 "Don't let 'em look in the refrigerator 265 00:10:18,139 --> 00:10:20,184 "with the door open for too long. 266 00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:21,838 "Don't let 'em walk outside with no shoes. 267 00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:24,232 "He has grass sensitivities. 268 00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:29,106 "All kinds of allergies. No nuts, no nothing." 269 00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:33,154 As soon as you leave, the grandparents are like, 270 00:10:33,197 --> 00:10:34,634 "I'm not doing any of that shit." 271 00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:40,422 Grandparent, they be like... 272 00:10:40,465 --> 00:10:41,597 You say something to your grandparent. 273 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:42,816 You'll be like, "Why did you do that? 274 00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:44,252 "Why did you give him..." You come back, 275 00:10:44,295 --> 00:10:45,949 the kid's leaking from their eyes. 276 00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:48,517 Green shit coming out their nose. 277 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:49,692 "What did you do that for?" 278 00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:51,302 "Huh? I raised you and your brothers, 279 00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:53,261 "and you're alive." 280 00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:55,002 That's a grandparent's only qualification 281 00:10:55,045 --> 00:10:56,568 for doing a good job. 282 00:10:56,612 --> 00:10:58,396 It's that you're alive. 283 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,181 You're like, "Yeah, I'm alive, but I'm fucked up. 284 00:11:01,530 --> 00:11:03,575 "Diabetes at six. That's not right." 285 00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:06,448 "But you're here to talk about it." 286 00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:09,886 [CHUCKLES] 287 00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:12,149 I don't like that. 288 00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:14,935 One of the... Whoever's parent was watching it, the other, 289 00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:17,633 parent, you know, "Can you go back and talk to your mom 290 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,766 "and tell her to stop giving them cheese?" 291 00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:22,420 "Okay, I'll say something." 292 00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:24,771 So, go back to the mom. She'll be like, "Mom?" "Yeah?" 293 00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,773 "Can you stop giving Kingston cheese?" 294 00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:29,340 She'll be like, "Why?" 295 00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:31,473 "'Cause he's leaking green and everything." 296 00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:33,388 She'll be like, "Well, fine. You want to pay for childcare?" 297 00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:40,264 It's all right if he has cheese 'cause... 298 00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:42,310 me and my brothers had cheese and we're alive, 299 00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:44,660 so it's not a big deal. 300 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,794 It's okay if we're leaking green from our eyes and our nose, 301 00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:48,795 it doesn't matter. 302 00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:53,930 Sometimes I don't feel like a real man, right? 303 00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:56,237 I'm a real man. I got real man parts and shit, 304 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,542 but I don't feel like a real man. 305 00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:59,327 I feel like I don't have enough... No, no. 306 00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:01,329 [CHUCKLES] No, you have to say that now. 307 00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:02,809 Don't act like, "Ha-ha," I'm not kidding. 308 00:12:02,852 --> 00:12:04,114 You know what I mean? I got it. 309 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,814 But I feel like I don't have enough tools, ties, 310 00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,293 and dress socks to be a real man. 311 00:12:09,337 --> 00:12:11,339 I feel like any real man I know has a lot of tools, 312 00:12:11,382 --> 00:12:13,080 a lot of ties, and a lot of dress socks. 313 00:12:13,123 --> 00:12:15,256 Where do you get all those tools from? 314 00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:16,866 Someone was like, "You get those tools for gifts." 315 00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:19,434 I was like, "Ugh, if anyone ever bought me 316 00:12:19,477 --> 00:12:21,001 "$200 worth of tools, I'd be like, 317 00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,742 'Return them and get me four PlayStation games.'" 318 00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:26,049 I don't need tools. 319 00:12:26,093 --> 00:12:27,747 I have three tools. I have a Phillips screwdriver, 320 00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,400 I have a flathead screwdriver, 321 00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:30,924 and I use my girlfriend's pliers. 322 00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:34,623 You know how emasculating it is when your lady's like, 323 00:12:34,666 --> 00:12:36,930 "Did you put my pliers back?" 324 00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:38,322 I was like. "I was going to use them again." 325 00:12:38,366 --> 00:12:40,542 She's like, "Just put my stuff back." 326 00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:42,544 I'm saying this one night, I'm in Boston and the weirdest thing 327 00:12:42,587 --> 00:12:44,502 that's ever happened to me after a show happened. 328 00:12:44,546 --> 00:12:47,114 This lady follows me to the car after the show. 329 00:12:47,157 --> 00:12:48,332 She goes, "Excuse me, comedian. 330 00:12:48,376 --> 00:12:49,986 "Excuse me, honey. 331 00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:52,249 "You don't have a hammer? You don't have a hammer, honey? 332 00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:54,077 And I said, "What?" 333 00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:55,818 She said, "On stage, you didn't say you had a hammer. 334 00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:57,602 "You don't have a hammer?" 335 00:12:57,646 --> 00:12:59,343 And I didn't have the heart to tell her I own a home, 336 00:12:59,387 --> 00:13:01,041 I have a hammer, but I just went with it. 337 00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:02,520 I was like, "No, I don't have a hammer." 338 00:13:02,564 --> 00:13:04,871 She goes, "Oh, my God, give me a second. 339 00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:06,307 This lady runs to her car. 340 00:13:08,091 --> 00:13:09,223 She comes back, she goes, 341 00:13:09,266 --> 00:13:10,920 "I always keep two hammers in my car. 342 00:13:10,964 --> 00:13:12,269 "Honey, you gotta have a hammer." 343 00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:15,925 I took the hammers and threw them in my trunk. 344 00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:18,493 And I started laughing 'cause I thought about this lady 345 00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:20,234 going back to her car making a call like... 346 00:13:20,277 --> 00:13:22,758 [MIMICS PHONE RINGING] "Hello? Babe? Yeah. 347 00:13:23,585 --> 00:13:24,847 "I got rid of the hammer. 348 00:13:29,199 --> 00:13:31,767 "Mm-hmm, yeah. I gave it to the Black guy handle-first. 349 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:32,812 "We're good to go." 350 00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:35,292 Who takes a hammer 351 00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:37,860 from somebody in a parking lot late at night. 352 00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:39,340 You know how stupid you have to be? 353 00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:44,127 Tonight when we're all finished, I got a wicker basket out back. 354 00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:48,828 I'm collecting ice picks, so just drop them in the basket out back. 355 00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:50,394 How stupid can you be? 356 00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:54,921 I'm just not a handy guy. I'm not that dude. 357 00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:56,357 People that always want to fix stuff. 358 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,967 "You should knock that wall down. 359 00:13:58,011 --> 00:13:59,577 You can see from the kitchen right into the living room." 360 00:13:59,621 --> 00:14:01,666 I'm good walking around the wall. 361 00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,668 I'm not knocking it. 362 00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:07,150 I'm knocking nothing down. It's not my... [CHUCKLES] 363 00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:08,978 It's a lot of pressure with stuff in the wall. 364 00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:10,719 Listen, you want to feel less manly, 365 00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:12,329 you ever have a guy knock on a wall near you, 366 00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:13,896 he knows where everything is. 367 00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,158 He's like, "You hear the difference? 368 00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:17,987 - "The studs are right here." - [THUDDING] 369 00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:21,686 "You hear that?" [CHUCKLES] 370 00:14:21,730 --> 00:14:23,819 If there's a lot of people around, I'm like, "Yeah, I hear it." 371 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,777 But I'm telling you, I never hear it. 372 00:14:25,821 --> 00:14:29,259 It's just It sounds like somebody beating up a wall. 373 00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:32,045 Who taught this man 374 00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:34,221 where the studs were by knocking? 375 00:14:35,787 --> 00:14:39,226 Here's a secret you might not know. 376 00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:42,751 Eighty-five thumbtacks will hold your TV up for five minutes. 377 00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:48,278 It'll fall soon after, but for a little bit, 378 00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:49,845 you'll be like, "Look what I did right here. 379 00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:51,891 "I hid the wires." 380 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,677 Sometimes as a man, you have to admit 381 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,113 if a man is more manly than you. 382 00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:58,680 You ever have a guy stand in front of your car 383 00:14:58,723 --> 00:15:00,769 and make the engine rev from the front. 384 00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:01,944 What? [CHUCKLES] 385 00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:04,164 To you, it's not a big deal. 386 00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:05,687 To me, I'm like, "He's a wizard." 387 00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:08,995 What's he touching? The head gasket? 388 00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:11,084 The catalytic converter? What's he touching? 389 00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:12,259 I don't even know if that's the right stuff. 390 00:15:12,302 --> 00:15:13,477 I just know that's under the hood. 391 00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:15,001 I know it's under there. 392 00:15:15,044 --> 00:15:17,394 You ever see 'em? He's like... [MIMICS ENGINE REVVING] 393 00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:19,309 "Don't touch the gas, boss. I got it." 394 00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:20,963 [MIMICS ENGINE REVVING] 395 00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:23,748 I want to know what's under his fingernails. Ugh. 396 00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:25,446 Looks like he's been digging graves 397 00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:27,100 with his bare hands and cutting portobello mushrooms all night. 398 00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:29,015 What's under your nails? 399 00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:30,755 He's like, "I work hard. That's what's under my nails." 400 00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:33,149 I'm like, "You need to work harder cleaning your fingernails. 401 00:15:33,193 --> 00:15:34,629 "Looks like you got a French manicure 402 00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:36,674 "with black tips. 403 00:15:36,718 --> 00:15:38,807 "Clean it up. That's gross." 404 00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:40,896 My friend Mike is like that. Every time I go to his house, 405 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,289 he's like, "You want something to drink?" 406 00:15:42,332 --> 00:15:43,768 I'm like, "Yeah." He's like, "You want some ice?" 407 00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:46,032 I'm like, "Don't touch my ice." 408 00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:49,035 "Can I have one drink at your house without crude oil in it? 409 00:15:49,078 --> 00:15:50,384 "How come everything I drink over here 410 00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:52,603 "has a rainbow film at the top? What is that?" 411 00:15:52,647 --> 00:15:53,953 He's like, "That'll make you tough." 412 00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:55,867 I'm like, "That'll make you dead! That's oil! 413 00:15:57,565 --> 00:15:59,088 [CHUCKLES] 414 00:15:59,132 --> 00:16:02,483 I don't know what it is. Older dudes, any dude over 55, 415 00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:04,746 they know how to fix everything. 416 00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:06,530 They'll just look at this room and be like, "Oh, yeah, the wiring starts over there." 417 00:16:06,574 --> 00:16:09,055 They all say the same thing. How do you know how to do that? 418 00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,273 "Common sense." 419 00:16:10,317 --> 00:16:13,146 We don't have that anymore. 420 00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:14,147 We have the Internet. 421 00:16:15,844 --> 00:16:16,976 Common sense. 422 00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,847 My grandfather never once got shocked 423 00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:21,154 whenever he was working. He doesn't even read well. 424 00:16:21,197 --> 00:16:23,069 He doesn't read well. He has a third-grade... 425 00:16:23,112 --> 00:16:26,333 third-grade education he had, and he wasn't a great reader. 426 00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:28,030 You know what I mean? He had three barbershops, 427 00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:29,945 two homes, wasn't a great reader. 428 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,034 And he never... [GROANS] 429 00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:33,993 Never touched anything and electrocuted himself. 430 00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:36,125 I have a college degree. 431 00:16:36,169 --> 00:16:38,258 If I can't use Wi-Fi, I can't fix shit. 432 00:16:38,823 --> 00:16:40,521 Nothing. 433 00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:43,611 If I can't get on YouTube, nothing will ever get done. 434 00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:45,134 You ever watch a YouTube video, you're like, 435 00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:47,702 "Ooh, that's too advanced for me right there." 436 00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:49,312 You ever watch a YouTube video. they're like, 437 00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:51,314 "Listen, before you do any electrical work in your home, 438 00:16:51,358 --> 00:16:53,142 "everybody knows you need to go downstairs 439 00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:55,753 "and turn off the main power source." 440 00:16:55,797 --> 00:16:57,407 "Well, everybody doesn't know that. 441 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,281 "I need to watch another video that leads up to this video. 442 00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:04,545 "I thought I could just use rubber-handled tools 443 00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:05,720 "and get the job done. 444 00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:07,852 "I didn't know I had to turn it off." 445 00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:10,899 I feel judgment right now. I'm not stupid. 446 00:17:10,942 --> 00:17:13,815 I don't need to watch stupid people videos. 447 00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:15,425 I don't need to watch a video where they're like, 448 00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:17,471 "Listen, before you do any electrical work in your home, 449 00:17:17,514 --> 00:17:19,603 "you want to step out of the bucket of water." 450 00:17:22,258 --> 00:17:24,565 I'm just saying, I don't speak fluent contractor. 451 00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:25,566 That's all I'm saying. 452 00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:28,656 [CHUCKLES] 453 00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:32,268 Mental health is a big deal now. Way bigger than it used to be. 454 00:17:32,312 --> 00:17:33,878 Didn't used to be as big of a deal. 455 00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:36,098 It used to be like, everyone was like, "Oh." 456 00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:38,144 I told you, my grandfather, he didn't care. 457 00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:41,495 He would talk about family members. 458 00:17:41,538 --> 00:17:44,150 He would be like, "Your cousin's missing a couple screws." 459 00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:47,283 [CHUCKLES] 460 00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,720 Missing some buttons. Screws loose. 461 00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:52,201 His elevator doesn't go to the top floor. 462 00:17:52,245 --> 00:17:53,724 There was all these ways he would describe him. 463 00:17:53,768 --> 00:17:56,031 All I knew was to stay away from that cousin. 464 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:58,816 I wouldn't be in a room with that one by myself. 465 00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:01,210 Now you get old, now people are sensitive. 466 00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:03,560 Now people are like, "Oh, something might be wrong for real." 467 00:18:03,604 --> 00:18:06,215 Now people care, but they overshare. 468 00:18:06,737 --> 00:18:07,912 Ugh. 469 00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:09,436 I got friends who self-diagnose. 470 00:18:09,479 --> 00:18:11,307 I don't like it. I don't like it. 471 00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,614 They just tell you too much. One of my boys was like, 472 00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:17,661 "Yo, I got anxiety bad. I got the worst anxiety. 473 00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:19,881 "Every day I wake up, I'm stressed out." 474 00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:21,448 "I can't pay my bills. 475 00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:22,666 I said, "You don't work!" 476 00:18:24,842 --> 00:18:27,758 You're supposed to feel like that. 477 00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:30,674 If you don't have money and you can't pay bills, 478 00:18:30,718 --> 00:18:32,937 you're supposed to feel stressed. 479 00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:35,331 You're not supposed to be like, whatever... [VOCALIZES] 480 00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,899 There's people out here really going through shit. 481 00:18:37,942 --> 00:18:39,770 There are people who are drowning for real, 482 00:18:39,814 --> 00:18:42,251 and you are full of shit. 483 00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:44,949 Another one of my boys, everybody uses OCD. 484 00:18:44,993 --> 00:18:46,473 They abuse it. If they don't have it, 485 00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:48,431 they'll be like, "I got OCD." I was like, "You do?" 486 00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:49,737 I said, "What's wrong?" He said, "When I see shit 487 00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:51,521 "laying on the floor, I gotta pick it up." 488 00:18:51,565 --> 00:18:54,045 I was like, "That's not OCD. 489 00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:55,569 "That's a ice cream sandwich wrapper 490 00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:56,874 "laying on your living room floor. 491 00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:00,356 "You're supposed to pick that up." 492 00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:04,143 Somebody out here really has fucking OCD. 493 00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:05,535 That's disrespectful. 494 00:19:08,756 --> 00:19:11,889 I'm just saying, there really are people drowning out here. 495 00:19:11,933 --> 00:19:13,195 And then there's other people out here 496 00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:14,762 drowning themselves in three feet of water, 497 00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:16,329 and they need to stand the fuck up. 498 00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:18,200 Reach down in the water and pull somebody out 499 00:19:18,244 --> 00:19:20,855 that actually needs help. That's all I'm saying. 500 00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:28,210 People get their mental health advice 501 00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:31,257 from TikTok. "TikTok helped me..." Crazy. 502 00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,259 I'm not a old head like, 503 00:19:33,302 --> 00:19:35,174 "TikTok is dumb." I'm not saying that. 504 00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:38,351 I get stuck on TikTok too. I get stuck on all the apps too. 505 00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:40,483 But your mental health advice, 506 00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:41,789 you don't know who that person is. 507 00:19:41,832 --> 00:19:43,834 They're telling you crazy shit. 508 00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:45,488 Taking mental health advice from TikTok 509 00:19:45,532 --> 00:19:47,621 is like getting surgery from Groupon. 510 00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:49,840 It's dumb. 511 00:19:49,884 --> 00:19:51,190 "Half-off heart surgeries next week." 512 00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:52,408 You're so stupid. 513 00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:56,499 I watched this one guy who was like, 514 00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:58,806 "I get messed up in the morning. I get stressed out. 515 00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:02,723 "So, every morning I wake up and I do a hundred affirmations. 516 00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:05,160 "I take a cold shower and I meditate." 517 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:08,816 I was like, "A hundred affirmations? 518 00:20:08,859 --> 00:20:10,252 "What time is he getting up?" 519 00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:14,778 Of course, he's stressed. A hundred affirmations? 520 00:20:14,822 --> 00:20:17,564 What the fuck is he saying? 521 00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:19,957 He's in the mirror like, "I am good enough. 522 00:20:20,001 --> 00:20:21,655 "I'm gonna have a great day. 523 00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:24,875 "My boss is gonna like me today. I'm gonna get to work on time. 524 00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:26,964 "The air pressure is my tires is gonna be accurate. 525 00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:30,011 "I'm not gonna have to change the TP, am I, again? 526 00:20:30,054 --> 00:20:32,709 "My co-workers are gonna bring in food that smells good. 527 00:20:32,753 --> 00:20:34,015 "I am enough." 528 00:20:34,058 --> 00:20:35,973 Shut the fuck up and go to work. 529 00:20:36,974 --> 00:20:39,238 You'll feel a lot better. 530 00:20:39,281 --> 00:20:40,761 Could you imagine working with this dude? 531 00:20:40,804 --> 00:20:42,415 He's sitting out in the car. Everybody's in the office. 532 00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:44,330 You see him in his mirror like, 533 00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:46,767 "They're gonna love me when I get inside. 534 00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,986 "My parents are gonna call me back. 535 00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:50,118 "I'm gonna get along with myself." 536 00:20:50,161 --> 00:20:52,033 Shut the fuck up and get in the job! 537 00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:56,342 I'm not saying affirmations don't work. 538 00:20:57,473 --> 00:20:58,605 But if you don't believe yourself 539 00:20:58,648 --> 00:21:00,346 after ten, try something else. 540 00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:03,914 A hundred is a lot. 541 00:21:05,786 --> 00:21:08,745 That's a lot of thinking. You gotta write that shit down. 542 00:21:08,789 --> 00:21:10,747 You can't just remember that. That's a list. 543 00:21:12,183 --> 00:21:13,750 [SIGHS] 544 00:21:13,794 --> 00:21:15,274 People just share. 545 00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:17,406 I was at a bar a few weeks ago, and this girl was like, 546 00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:21,584 "I'm fucked up." I was like, "I'm fucked up too." 547 00:21:21,628 --> 00:21:24,108 She was like, "No, in the head. I was like, "Oh, shit." 548 00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:29,026 I said, "Who are you here with?" She was like, "By myself. 549 00:21:29,070 --> 00:21:31,028 "And I'm telling you what's going on in my head." 550 00:21:31,072 --> 00:21:32,291 "So, you're getting a drink? 'Cause I don't know. 551 00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:33,988 "You go ahead. You can go to the bar. 552 00:21:34,031 --> 00:21:35,468 She said, "I'm trying to let you know I'm fucked up." 553 00:21:35,511 --> 00:21:37,905 I said, "All right." I said, "I suck toes sometimes." 554 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,213 She was like, "What?" I was like, 555 00:21:42,257 --> 00:21:43,258 "You're telling me what's in your head, I'm telling you what's in mine." 556 00:21:44,738 --> 00:21:46,217 She's like, "That's a weird thing to share." 557 00:21:46,261 --> 00:21:47,958 I said, "You can't say that, you gotta be open. 558 00:21:48,916 --> 00:21:50,265 "How about we have a drink 559 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:51,527 "before I tell you I'd lick between your toes? 560 00:21:51,571 --> 00:21:52,876 "How about we have a drink first?" 561 00:21:54,487 --> 00:21:55,749 Yeah. It was nothing. 562 00:21:58,447 --> 00:21:59,840 This is what some lady said one night, she goes, 563 00:21:59,883 --> 00:22:02,059 "You suck toes." I was like, "You suck dicks. 564 00:22:04,105 --> 00:22:06,281 "The fuck are you judging me?" 565 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:07,587 You know what comes out of dicks. 566 00:22:09,937 --> 00:22:12,026 I never once was sucking a girl's big toe and she's like, 567 00:22:12,069 --> 00:22:13,854 "Hold on and let me pee from underneath my toenail." 568 00:22:13,897 --> 00:22:14,855 It's never happened. 569 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,684 There's all adults in here. 570 00:22:17,727 --> 00:22:20,817 A lot of you have licked a butt or had your butt licked. 571 00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:22,906 Don't get weird and act like you haven't. 572 00:22:22,950 --> 00:22:25,126 If you haven't, do it, it feels good. 573 00:22:25,169 --> 00:22:26,910 Someone gets their head in there, they're like... [LICKING] 574 00:22:26,954 --> 00:22:29,173 Get it in your butt. It feels good. 575 00:22:29,217 --> 00:22:30,827 I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to look in your eyes. 576 00:22:30,871 --> 00:22:32,742 No, no, no. That was weird. Yeah, that was weird. 577 00:22:34,788 --> 00:22:36,137 I looked right into his eyes. 578 00:22:36,180 --> 00:22:37,791 He was like, "Yeah, in my butt. Yeah." 579 00:22:37,834 --> 00:22:41,055 I was like, "Ah, looked at the wrong dude, my bad." 580 00:22:41,098 --> 00:22:42,926 I'm supposed to lock with a lady on that one right there. 581 00:22:42,970 --> 00:22:45,276 I'm sorry. 582 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,496 Whatever people aren't into, they act like you like 583 00:22:47,540 --> 00:22:49,106 the grossest version of it. 584 00:22:49,150 --> 00:22:50,630 They act like I'm crawling around the floor tonight like, 585 00:22:50,673 --> 00:22:52,849 "Where's the toes?" [LICKING] 586 00:22:52,893 --> 00:22:54,503 I have feet standards, okay? 587 00:22:54,547 --> 00:22:56,897 If your toes need Tough Actin' Tinactin, 588 00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:59,726 I'm not going to be licking them. Trust me. 589 00:22:59,769 --> 00:23:02,381 You got Lamisil in your Christmas stocking the last couple years, 590 00:23:02,424 --> 00:23:04,513 somebody's trying to tell you something, 591 00:23:04,557 --> 00:23:07,690 Put them nasty-ass feet away. Ugh. 592 00:23:09,257 --> 00:23:11,041 I don't like it. 'Cause when people aren't into it, 593 00:23:11,085 --> 00:23:12,826 they think you're gross, they think I'm just waiting 594 00:23:12,869 --> 00:23:14,088 at the end of the marathon like, 595 00:23:14,131 --> 00:23:15,916 "You done running?" [LICKING, LAUGHING] 596 00:23:17,178 --> 00:23:19,267 "I'm ready to lick your toes!" [LICKING] 597 00:23:23,227 --> 00:23:25,012 My boys be messing with me all the time. 598 00:23:25,055 --> 00:23:26,622 They always be talking shit. 599 00:23:26,666 --> 00:23:30,104 [CHUCKLES] My friends, they're always messing with me. 600 00:23:30,147 --> 00:23:32,062 Once your friends know your kink, 601 00:23:32,106 --> 00:23:34,238 I come, I show up at the cookout, 602 00:23:34,282 --> 00:23:35,979 they'll be like, "Oh, here he comes. 603 00:23:36,023 --> 00:23:41,028 ♪ He sucks toes, hey! Corey sucks toes 604 00:23:41,071 --> 00:23:45,249 ♪ In different area codes Area, area codes 605 00:23:45,293 --> 00:23:48,731 ♪ He likes toes, toes, toes 606 00:23:48,775 --> 00:23:50,951 ♪ Toe-oh-oh-oes... ♪ 607 00:23:50,994 --> 00:23:52,169 And my fucking boy... 608 00:23:52,213 --> 00:23:54,302 - ♪ Toe-oh-oh-oes... - Shut up, man. 609 00:23:54,345 --> 00:23:57,827 ♪ Take off your shoes, shoes And give him your feet, feet 610 00:23:57,871 --> 00:23:59,568 ♪ He wants his hands on your toes 611 00:23:59,612 --> 00:24:00,830 ♪ And your toes on his nose ♪ 612 00:24:00,874 --> 00:24:04,617 I'm like, "Shut up!" [CHUCKLES] 613 00:24:04,660 --> 00:24:06,706 When your people know your kink, you can't say anything. 614 00:24:06,749 --> 00:24:08,490 One of my boys was making burgers one day. 615 00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:09,752 He was on the grill making burgers. 616 00:24:09,796 --> 00:24:11,667 He's sweating in the burgers. 617 00:24:11,711 --> 00:24:13,887 Sweat. I see it going in the burgers. 618 00:24:13,930 --> 00:24:15,715 I'm like, "Yo, you're sweating in the burgers." 619 00:24:15,758 --> 00:24:17,586 He was like, "Yo, you suck toes, dawg!" 620 00:24:17,630 --> 00:24:20,546 I was like, "Yo, that's different. 621 00:24:20,589 --> 00:24:23,418 "I chose that. I didn't choose that head sweat from you." 622 00:24:25,638 --> 00:24:26,900 There's a lot of love in this room. 623 00:24:26,943 --> 00:24:29,772 I can feel it. No, there is. 624 00:24:29,816 --> 00:24:31,731 There's a lot of love. There's not a lot of like though. 625 00:24:32,819 --> 00:24:34,385 Look in your eyes. 626 00:24:34,429 --> 00:24:36,387 You look at the person next to you, and you look at me. 627 00:24:36,431 --> 00:24:37,737 You don't like me, but you love me. 628 00:24:39,129 --> 00:24:42,437 [CHUCKLES] Presumptuous, huh? 629 00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:44,744 Yeah, don't be making them fucking noises at me, buddy. 630 00:24:44,787 --> 00:24:46,180 [CLICKS TEETH] 631 00:24:46,223 --> 00:24:47,747 Give me a little wink and a little teeth click. 632 00:24:49,662 --> 00:24:50,967 When you live with somebody that loves you 633 00:24:51,011 --> 00:24:53,274 and doesn't like you, it's tough, man. 634 00:24:53,317 --> 00:24:55,624 Everything you do bothers them. 635 00:24:55,668 --> 00:24:56,843 When someone loves you and they don't like you, 636 00:24:56,886 --> 00:24:58,671 they think you're always fucking with them. 637 00:24:58,714 --> 00:25:00,107 You ever come home a little bit early 638 00:25:00,150 --> 00:25:02,413 and your significant other goes... [SIGHS DEEPLY] 639 00:25:02,457 --> 00:25:03,589 You go, "What?" She goes, "Nothing. 640 00:25:03,632 --> 00:25:05,547 "I was thinking about something." 641 00:25:05,591 --> 00:25:08,289 "What were you thinking about?" She's like, "You." 642 00:25:08,332 --> 00:25:10,857 [CHUCKLES] "Fucking up my day." 643 00:25:10,900 --> 00:25:12,336 That's what she's thinking about. 644 00:25:12,380 --> 00:25:14,730 She was getting ready to lay down and take a nap. 645 00:25:14,774 --> 00:25:16,732 Knit, whatever she likes to do. 646 00:25:16,776 --> 00:25:18,255 And then you come in, "Here I am," 647 00:25:18,299 --> 00:25:21,128 and she's like... [GROANS] She has to deal with you. 648 00:25:21,171 --> 00:25:23,260 People don't like that. 649 00:25:23,304 --> 00:25:25,611 A lot of women don't mind humming, but your humming? 650 00:25:25,654 --> 00:25:28,570 [EXHALES] It is very annoying. 651 00:25:28,614 --> 00:25:29,876 She'll see you in the kitchen in there. 652 00:25:29,919 --> 00:25:34,533 [HUMMING] 653 00:25:34,576 --> 00:25:36,752 Making your little snack and your coffee. 654 00:25:36,796 --> 00:25:38,624 She'll see you. No one wants to fight all the time, 655 00:25:38,667 --> 00:25:41,670 so she's not gonna be like... [EXHALES] "Stop." 656 00:25:41,714 --> 00:25:43,063 She'll wait for you to leave the kitchen, 657 00:25:43,106 --> 00:25:44,325 and she'll just start making fun of you. 658 00:25:44,368 --> 00:25:48,764 [HUMMING] 659 00:25:49,852 --> 00:25:51,114 Breathing can fuck you up. 660 00:25:53,029 --> 00:25:54,683 Breathing can break you completely up. 661 00:25:54,727 --> 00:25:56,206 I hear it when it gets quiet in here. 662 00:25:56,250 --> 00:25:58,513 There's a lot of janky breathing in this room right now. 663 00:25:58,557 --> 00:26:00,733 I don't know what's going on in the lungs, 664 00:26:00,776 --> 00:26:02,735 and throats in here, but it's tough. 665 00:26:02,778 --> 00:26:04,650 You're sitting next to a woman. She hears you over there... 666 00:26:04,693 --> 00:26:08,610 [BREATHING LOUDLY] 667 00:26:10,046 --> 00:26:11,570 "Hey!" "What?" 668 00:26:11,613 --> 00:26:13,310 "What's wrong with you?" "Nothing." 669 00:26:13,354 --> 00:26:15,312 "If you're sleeping, go to bed." "I'm not sleeping!" 670 00:26:17,053 --> 00:26:18,402 "So, you're awake?" "Yes, I'm awake." 671 00:26:18,446 --> 00:26:20,448 "Well, who the hell snores when they're awake?" 672 00:26:20,491 --> 00:26:21,580 "I don't know. I guess I do." 673 00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:25,409 "All I hear is you over there..." [SNORES] 674 00:26:25,453 --> 00:26:28,325 "Go to bed if you're tired!" "I'm not tired!" 675 00:26:28,369 --> 00:26:30,632 My grandfather used to say he's resting his eyes. 676 00:26:30,676 --> 00:26:31,677 That's sleep. 677 00:26:33,243 --> 00:26:35,245 [CHUCKLES] People get complexes. 678 00:26:35,289 --> 00:26:37,117 Your family's the only person to give you a complex. 679 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:38,814 They give you complexes about shit like that, 680 00:26:38,858 --> 00:26:39,946 about your toes and stuff. 681 00:26:39,989 --> 00:26:41,861 Your family, they'll fuck you up. 682 00:26:41,904 --> 00:26:43,863 They'll say things to you that'll make you defensive 683 00:26:43,906 --> 00:26:45,604 for the rest of your life. 684 00:26:45,647 --> 00:26:47,736 They'll look at you like, "You got the fattest goddamn neck." 685 00:26:47,780 --> 00:26:50,347 You're like, "All right, Dad. Damn it." 686 00:26:50,391 --> 00:26:52,045 It's like... 687 00:26:52,088 --> 00:26:54,656 Your aunt will just look at you, "With your bony ass elbows." 688 00:26:54,700 --> 00:26:57,006 You're like, "Damn, my elbows are bony." 689 00:26:57,050 --> 00:26:59,052 [CHUCKLES] "Knock-kneed baby." 690 00:26:59,095 --> 00:27:01,707 You're like, "Goddamn, stop shitting on me." 691 00:27:01,750 --> 00:27:03,665 Anybody you see that looks in that direction, 692 00:27:03,709 --> 00:27:06,625 "I know I got long toes, I know, I know." 693 00:27:06,668 --> 00:27:08,757 "Everyone says it. My brother says I got E.T. toes." 694 00:27:08,801 --> 00:27:10,411 "I know." 695 00:27:10,454 --> 00:27:11,934 Trying to pull them back into your shoes. 696 00:27:11,978 --> 00:27:13,588 You're all defensive. Someone's looking at your ears. 697 00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:16,199 "I know. I got giant ears. I know, I know." 698 00:27:16,243 --> 00:27:17,505 [CHUCKLES] 699 00:27:17,548 --> 00:27:20,029 What's something that someone said to you? 700 00:27:20,073 --> 00:27:21,640 What's one of your complexes they gave you? 701 00:27:21,683 --> 00:27:22,945 One of my complexes? 702 00:27:22,989 --> 00:27:24,599 Yeah. What's one of them that they told you? 703 00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:25,992 Somebody put it in you. 704 00:27:26,035 --> 00:27:30,213 Not like, put it in you. No, no, no. [CHUCKLES] 705 00:27:30,257 --> 00:27:32,955 Let's edit that in right at the right spot, guys. 706 00:27:34,870 --> 00:27:36,263 I have a belly. 707 00:27:36,306 --> 00:27:37,568 You have a belly? [CHUCKLES] 708 00:27:37,612 --> 00:27:40,528 [CHUCKLING] We got the same goddamn complex. 709 00:27:40,571 --> 00:27:43,836 Look at the other dudes. [INHALES SHARPLY] "Not me." 710 00:27:43,879 --> 00:27:46,534 How many people are in happy relationships in here? 711 00:27:46,577 --> 00:27:48,101 - Clap. - [AUDIENCE MEMBERS CLAPPING] 712 00:27:50,451 --> 00:27:53,410 [CHUCKLES] How many people are just in a relationship? 713 00:27:53,454 --> 00:27:55,935 - [SPARSE CLAPPING] - [LAUGHS] 714 00:27:59,199 --> 00:28:00,853 I don't know. All I was starting to say was, 715 00:28:00,896 --> 00:28:02,158 when someone loves you and they don't like you, 716 00:28:02,202 --> 00:28:03,812 it fucks up everything. My girl gets mad at me 717 00:28:03,856 --> 00:28:05,945 for walking around the house, you know, just walking. 718 00:28:05,988 --> 00:28:08,425 "Why are you walking so loud?" I'm like, "What do you mean?" 719 00:28:08,469 --> 00:28:10,427 She's like, "Why do you have to stomp and drag your feet?" 720 00:28:10,471 --> 00:28:13,213 I'm like, "I'm not moonwalking. I can't do both." 721 00:28:13,256 --> 00:28:16,738 I gotta walk all the time like a little crab in the house. 722 00:28:16,782 --> 00:28:19,959 Little toe heel, toe heel. Is this quiet enough for you? 723 00:28:20,002 --> 00:28:21,961 She turns the TV up every time I get up. 724 00:28:22,004 --> 00:28:26,617 "Stop walking so loud." You know? Mad if I laugh. 725 00:28:26,661 --> 00:28:28,271 She was in the living room watching something funny, 726 00:28:28,315 --> 00:28:29,490 and I came over and I started laughing. 727 00:28:29,533 --> 00:28:31,144 I was like... [LAUGHS] 728 00:28:31,187 --> 00:28:32,754 She said, "Why do you put your head back when you laugh?" 729 00:28:32,798 --> 00:28:34,582 I was like, "What?" She was like, 730 00:28:34,625 --> 00:28:36,889 "Does it make it funnier when you go..." [LAUGHS] 731 00:28:36,932 --> 00:28:38,847 "Is it funnier?" I was like, "I don't know." 732 00:28:38,891 --> 00:28:40,370 She said, "But why do you put your head back?" 733 00:28:40,414 --> 00:28:42,372 I said, "'Cause that's what humans do. 734 00:28:42,416 --> 00:28:44,070 "When people laugh, their necks get loose. 735 00:28:44,113 --> 00:28:46,855 "That's what happens. No one laughs with a stiff neck. 736 00:28:46,899 --> 00:28:49,423 "No one's like..." [LAUGHS] 737 00:28:51,207 --> 00:28:53,209 That would be a weird look. 738 00:28:53,253 --> 00:28:54,341 If I was around your friends and family 739 00:28:54,384 --> 00:28:55,777 and my neck didn't move. 740 00:28:58,127 --> 00:28:59,650 You stay with somebody long enough, 741 00:28:59,694 --> 00:29:02,262 just some air coming out of your mouth can cause a fight. 742 00:29:02,305 --> 00:29:05,004 I sat down on the couch. We were getting ready to sit down on the couch. 743 00:29:05,047 --> 00:29:07,223 I sat down on the couch. All I was doing. I went... 744 00:29:07,267 --> 00:29:09,573 [SIGHS] 745 00:29:09,617 --> 00:29:11,314 She said, "What's wrong?" I said, "Nothing." 746 00:29:11,358 --> 00:29:12,663 She said, "Why are you sighing like that?" 747 00:29:12,707 --> 00:29:14,187 I said, "I'm not sighing." 748 00:29:14,230 --> 00:29:16,015 She said, "Why'd you go, 'Huh'?" [SIGHS] 749 00:29:16,058 --> 00:29:17,538 I said, "I went..." [EXHALES] 750 00:29:17,581 --> 00:29:19,061 She said, "You went..." [SIGHS] 751 00:29:20,889 --> 00:29:22,543 She said, "What's wrong?" I said, "Nothing's wrong." 752 00:29:22,586 --> 00:29:23,892 She said, "Why you sound like that?" I said, "I'm breathing. 753 00:29:23,936 --> 00:29:25,198 "I was just breathing." 754 00:29:25,241 --> 00:29:26,547 She said, "It sounds like you're mad to me." 755 00:29:26,590 --> 00:29:27,896 I said, "I'm not... I'm not mad." 756 00:29:27,940 --> 00:29:29,419 She said, "Why are you acting like that?" 757 00:29:29,463 --> 00:29:32,683 I said, "I just got mad just now. I got mad just now." 758 00:29:32,727 --> 00:29:34,381 She said, "No, if you weren't mad, 759 00:29:34,424 --> 00:29:36,122 "I couldn't have brought it out of you. You were already mad." 760 00:29:36,165 --> 00:29:37,993 I said, "You set me up. 761 00:29:38,037 --> 00:29:40,430 "I can't... I was happy when I came in here. 762 00:29:41,692 --> 00:29:43,607 She said, "Well, who breathes like that?" 763 00:29:43,651 --> 00:29:45,131 I said, "I don't know." She said, "Why are you breathing with a attitude?" 764 00:29:45,174 --> 00:29:47,350 "What? How?" 765 00:29:49,396 --> 00:29:50,701 [CHUCKLES] 766 00:29:52,225 --> 00:29:53,792 I don't know why I breathe like that. 767 00:29:53,835 --> 00:29:57,273 I don't know. I'm over 35. I make noises when I do shit. 768 00:29:57,317 --> 00:29:59,101 I don't know what age it kicked in. 769 00:29:59,145 --> 00:30:00,929 But when I bend over to tie my shoe... 770 00:30:00,973 --> 00:30:03,018 [EXHALES] ...there's a noise that comes out. 771 00:30:03,062 --> 00:30:06,761 I get in the car. [EXHALING] Noises come out. 772 00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:08,763 I don't mean for them to come out. 773 00:30:08,807 --> 00:30:10,199 I reach into my cabinets. 774 00:30:10,243 --> 00:30:11,984 [EXHALES] Something's coming out. 775 00:30:14,725 --> 00:30:16,162 It doesn't happen like that for little kids. 776 00:30:16,205 --> 00:30:17,598 You never walk by a playground 777 00:30:17,641 --> 00:30:20,557 and hear a bunch of little kids like... [EXHALING] 778 00:30:20,601 --> 00:30:23,256 They're stealthy. [CHUCKLES] 779 00:30:23,299 --> 00:30:25,867 At a certain point, we make noises, get off my back. 780 00:30:27,390 --> 00:30:30,089 Trouble. You get in trouble. 781 00:30:30,132 --> 00:30:31,742 You ever get in trouble? You put your arm on your lady 782 00:30:31,786 --> 00:30:34,963 and she's like, "Ugh, why are you so hot?" 783 00:30:35,007 --> 00:30:38,532 "Why? Because I'm alive. That's why I'm hot." 784 00:30:38,575 --> 00:30:40,839 Do I look like I can control the temperature of my arms, 785 00:30:40,882 --> 00:30:43,929 like I'm in the kitchen, like I'm gonna heat this up in the oven 786 00:30:43,972 --> 00:30:46,496 and show her what a hot arm feels like during the movie. 787 00:30:47,584 --> 00:30:50,283 Come back down, "You like that heat? 788 00:30:50,326 --> 00:30:53,590 "That was on purpose. Just trying to burn your back." 789 00:30:55,549 --> 00:30:58,030 Chewing can break you up. You know this? 790 00:30:58,073 --> 00:30:59,292 Some people have misophonia. 791 00:30:59,335 --> 00:31:01,207 That's different. They can't stand any... 792 00:31:01,250 --> 00:31:02,904 [MUNCHING] As soon as you open your mouth... 793 00:31:02,948 --> 00:31:05,211 [GROANS] 794 00:31:05,254 --> 00:31:07,778 If you bite a apple around the wrong person, 795 00:31:07,822 --> 00:31:10,216 "What the fuck are you..." [GROANS] 796 00:31:10,259 --> 00:31:12,696 "You learn to eat at a barn? Go outside!" 797 00:31:13,784 --> 00:31:16,744 I'm just saying, when people are chewing, 798 00:31:16,787 --> 00:31:19,529 you gotta give 'em a couple chews. 799 00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,532 If somebody's eating something hard, 800 00:31:22,576 --> 00:31:24,491 some hard cereal or whatever they're eating, 801 00:31:24,534 --> 00:31:26,058 you gotta give 'em a couple... [MUNCHES] 802 00:31:26,101 --> 00:31:28,190 Give 'em a couple. 803 00:31:28,234 --> 00:31:30,236 Nobody just puts some Cap'n Crunch 804 00:31:30,279 --> 00:31:31,802 in their mouth and they're like [BITES] ..."That's it." 805 00:31:31,846 --> 00:31:34,066 Nobody's a alligator around here. 806 00:31:34,109 --> 00:31:35,676 Let somebody chew for a second. 807 00:31:37,373 --> 00:31:39,985 People are so sensitive about people chewing. 808 00:31:40,028 --> 00:31:41,160 Do you ever suck a potato chip 809 00:31:41,203 --> 00:31:42,596 to keep your relationship together? 810 00:31:45,947 --> 00:31:49,516 Put a chip in and suck the flavor off. 811 00:31:49,559 --> 00:31:51,866 "I can't stand your chewing." "I'm sucking the chips!" 812 00:31:54,869 --> 00:31:55,870 [CHUCKLES] 813 00:31:57,393 --> 00:31:58,829 Fellas, think about this. 814 00:31:58,873 --> 00:32:00,309 You know how you know your lady really loves you? 815 00:32:02,181 --> 00:32:03,878 Because she asks you everywhere you're going... 816 00:32:05,184 --> 00:32:06,446 inside the house. 817 00:32:10,145 --> 00:32:11,625 You ever get up real quick, she goes, 818 00:32:11,668 --> 00:32:13,714 "Where you going?" You go, "To turn off the lights." 819 00:32:13,757 --> 00:32:15,803 "Where you going?" "To the bathroom." 820 00:32:15,846 --> 00:32:18,110 "Where you going?" "To get something to eat." 821 00:32:18,153 --> 00:32:19,198 "Oh, I thought you were leaving." 822 00:32:19,241 --> 00:32:20,634 "Really? You thought I was leaving? 823 00:32:20,677 --> 00:32:22,592 "It's 3:00 in the morning, I got on tighty whities, 824 00:32:22,636 --> 00:32:24,159 "flip flops, and a V-neck T-shirt. 825 00:32:24,986 --> 00:32:27,206 "It's raining outside. 826 00:32:27,249 --> 00:32:31,210 "Did you hear any keys jingling? Did you see me get an umbrella? 827 00:32:31,253 --> 00:32:34,430 "Well, then, shh, I promise I'll be right back to bed." 828 00:32:34,474 --> 00:32:36,171 "Hurry up. I can't sleep unless you're in the room with me. 829 00:32:36,215 --> 00:32:37,172 "Hurry up." 830 00:32:38,782 --> 00:32:40,697 I see some of you are not responding to this right now. 831 00:32:43,178 --> 00:32:44,745 That's because I'm talking about young love. 832 00:32:44,788 --> 00:32:46,399 It's much different. 833 00:32:46,442 --> 00:32:48,488 You get with somebody early on. Oh, it's so different. 834 00:32:48,531 --> 00:32:51,012 "Get over here. Lay with me. Cuddle. 835 00:32:51,056 --> 00:32:53,493 "Stay close. I can't sleep unless I feel your warmth. 836 00:32:54,146 --> 00:32:56,061 "Stay close to me. 837 00:32:56,104 --> 00:32:58,019 "Get over here. You're coming to bed. Get in here. 838 00:32:58,715 --> 00:33:00,413 "Right now." 839 00:33:00,456 --> 00:33:03,938 Stay with somebody for a while, "Get the fuck off of me! Move! 840 00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:07,159 "Move over! You're crushing my arm. 841 00:33:07,202 --> 00:33:09,988 "You know I got an MRI on that arm. It hurts! 842 00:33:10,031 --> 00:33:11,946 "Get off of my shoulder! 843 00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:14,122 "I put a pillow in the middle for a reason. 844 00:33:14,166 --> 00:33:15,863 "You want to put your leg on something, 845 00:33:15,906 --> 00:33:17,647 "put it on that pillow and get it off of me. 846 00:33:17,691 --> 00:33:20,259 "You're crushing me! What's in your legs? 847 00:33:20,302 --> 00:33:21,782 "Why are your legs so heavy? 848 00:33:21,825 --> 00:33:23,523 "You're crushing me. What's in your legs? 849 00:33:23,566 --> 00:33:26,178 "Bones. Bones are in my legs." 850 00:33:26,221 --> 00:33:28,615 Do I look like I can control the weight of my legs? 851 00:33:31,139 --> 00:33:33,794 You get in trouble for breathing at night, 852 00:33:33,837 --> 00:33:35,143 you get woken up for just sleeping. 853 00:33:35,187 --> 00:33:37,232 "Hey! Hey!" "What?" 854 00:33:37,276 --> 00:33:39,321 "Stop blowing your hot breath on me." 855 00:33:39,365 --> 00:33:40,888 "Huh? I was dreaming." 856 00:33:40,931 --> 00:33:42,281 "What are you dreaming about, dragons? 857 00:33:42,324 --> 00:33:44,109 "Turn the other way. 858 00:33:44,152 --> 00:33:47,634 "All I feel is you..." [BREATHES HEAVILY] 859 00:33:47,677 --> 00:33:49,549 "You're blowing your hot air, you're burning a hole 860 00:33:49,592 --> 00:33:52,160 "in the back of my neck, making my hair hot." 861 00:33:52,204 --> 00:33:53,770 "Making your hair hot?" 862 00:33:56,164 --> 00:33:57,948 Why you mad at me for breathing? 863 00:34:00,255 --> 00:34:01,343 [CHUCKLES] 864 00:34:02,997 --> 00:34:04,999 I hear dudes all the time. 865 00:34:05,043 --> 00:34:07,001 I hear a lot of guys that talk shit. 866 00:34:07,045 --> 00:34:08,176 A lot of guys will talk shit, 867 00:34:08,220 --> 00:34:09,656 "We don't hook up like we used to." 868 00:34:09,699 --> 00:34:11,745 Ah, whatever, man. 869 00:34:11,788 --> 00:34:14,052 You know why? Because you have a CPAP machine. 870 00:34:14,095 --> 00:34:15,618 That's why. 871 00:34:15,662 --> 00:34:16,967 That's why. 872 00:34:18,839 --> 00:34:21,363 No woman is going to give you a blow job when you're... 873 00:34:21,407 --> 00:34:24,105 [WHEEZING] 874 00:34:24,149 --> 00:34:25,498 The air is forcing in 875 00:34:25,541 --> 00:34:27,413 and blowing out your nose and eyes and shit. 876 00:34:27,456 --> 00:34:28,979 [WHEEZING] 877 00:34:29,023 --> 00:34:31,156 She's blowing down there and you're blowing up top. 878 00:34:31,199 --> 00:34:32,505 It doesn't work like that. 879 00:34:33,462 --> 00:34:34,681 She's grossed out. 880 00:34:34,724 --> 00:34:35,769 If you know you're gonna hook up, 881 00:34:35,812 --> 00:34:37,249 take that shit off for the night. 882 00:34:38,119 --> 00:34:39,468 It's worth passing out. 883 00:34:41,644 --> 00:34:43,559 You know what I mean? Stop complaining about it. 884 00:34:43,603 --> 00:34:45,300 Otherwise... 885 00:34:45,344 --> 00:34:48,434 There's somebody's breaking in and she can't even wake you up. 886 00:34:48,477 --> 00:34:50,871 You got the CPAP because of that Velcro. 887 00:34:50,914 --> 00:34:52,916 You're all Velcroed up. 888 00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:54,701 Someone's breaking in and they hear you waking up. 889 00:34:54,744 --> 00:34:56,050 "Wake up, somebody's downstairs." 890 00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:57,660 [BREATHING HEAVILY] "What?" 891 00:34:57,704 --> 00:35:00,576 [MIMICS VELCRO RIPPING OFF] 892 00:35:00,620 --> 00:35:02,448 Guy's downstairs stealing your shit, 893 00:35:02,491 --> 00:35:03,753 "Ah, he's waking up. I hear the Velcro. 894 00:35:03,797 --> 00:35:05,233 "Let's get the fuck out of here." 895 00:35:09,585 --> 00:35:12,371 [CHUCKLES] And I know this is a superpower 896 00:35:12,414 --> 00:35:14,895 that many women have. 897 00:35:14,938 --> 00:35:15,939 A lot of guys don't have this, 898 00:35:15,983 --> 00:35:17,854 this super power that women have. 899 00:35:17,898 --> 00:35:19,291 What they can do is 900 00:35:19,334 --> 00:35:21,467 when they get really hot at night, 901 00:35:21,510 --> 00:35:23,338 for whatever reason, from you blowing your breath 902 00:35:23,382 --> 00:35:25,775 on them, from menopause, from the many things 903 00:35:25,819 --> 00:35:28,343 that make women hot, many of 'em do this thing 904 00:35:28,387 --> 00:35:31,607 where they'll take their leg from the knee down 905 00:35:31,651 --> 00:35:33,435 and they put it outside the covers. 906 00:35:34,567 --> 00:35:37,613 It will cool off their whole body. 907 00:35:37,657 --> 00:35:39,180 And as soon as they regulate their temperature, 908 00:35:39,224 --> 00:35:41,095 they go [MIMICS WHIPPING] and put it back in. 909 00:35:42,879 --> 00:35:43,967 Then they can go to sleep. 910 00:35:46,274 --> 00:35:48,102 This lady was staying with me one night and she goes, 911 00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:49,930 "That's so weird. How do you know that? 912 00:35:49,973 --> 00:35:51,540 "It's a weird thing to notice." 913 00:35:51,584 --> 00:35:53,673 I said, "'Cause I like feet, motherfucker. That's why." 914 00:35:56,023 --> 00:35:57,938 [CHUCKLES] 915 00:35:57,981 --> 00:35:59,679 I see exactly where they are. 916 00:36:01,202 --> 00:36:02,595 [CHUCKLES] 917 00:36:03,857 --> 00:36:06,164 You know, sometimes a woman will be like, 918 00:36:06,207 --> 00:36:08,340 she'll be making fun of you. Well, maybe not you, 919 00:36:08,383 --> 00:36:09,645 but you'll hear her making fun of another guy. 920 00:36:09,689 --> 00:36:12,387 Like, "His balls stink." Did you ever hear this? 921 00:36:12,431 --> 00:36:16,130 See? [CHUCKLES] 922 00:36:16,174 --> 00:36:17,479 You ever hear? She'll be like, "His balls stink." 923 00:36:17,523 --> 00:36:19,002 I'm not saying your balls, so relax. 924 00:36:19,046 --> 00:36:21,570 I'm saying you hear her talking about other guys' balls. 925 00:36:21,614 --> 00:36:23,224 "The balls stink." 926 00:36:23,268 --> 00:36:24,791 And sometimes guys' balls do stink. 927 00:36:24,834 --> 00:36:27,837 You should wash up. Any dude worth anything, 928 00:36:27,881 --> 00:36:29,230 at a certain point in life, 929 00:36:29,274 --> 00:36:31,276 you know you need to wash your fucking balls. 930 00:36:31,319 --> 00:36:33,191 'Cause when you're younger, you're like, "I'm fine." 931 00:36:33,234 --> 00:36:35,497 You just show up from the gym like, "You ready?" 932 00:36:35,541 --> 00:36:38,500 And then you get older and you learn that's nasty. 933 00:36:38,544 --> 00:36:40,850 So, you freshen up. Women freshen up all the time, 934 00:36:40,894 --> 00:36:43,418 but guys don't. And then you get older and you freshen up. 935 00:36:43,462 --> 00:36:45,290 You don't go over gross, right? 936 00:36:45,333 --> 00:36:47,248 'Cause it's nasty. Because a lot of times 937 00:36:47,292 --> 00:36:50,295 early on in life, women will just go through, 938 00:36:50,338 --> 00:36:52,427 and she's with you, and you stink, 939 00:36:52,471 --> 00:36:54,429 and she's down there like... [GAGS] 940 00:36:55,561 --> 00:36:59,391 [GAGS] It's nasty for her. Right? 941 00:36:59,434 --> 00:37:00,870 You're like, "What's wrong? Is it big?" 942 00:37:00,914 --> 00:37:02,611 And she's like... [GAGS] 943 00:37:04,700 --> 00:37:05,745 "It's gross!" 944 00:37:06,615 --> 00:37:07,877 [CHUCKLES] 945 00:37:07,921 --> 00:37:09,575 But then they'll also make fun of us 946 00:37:09,618 --> 00:37:11,098 when we play with their breasts. 947 00:37:11,141 --> 00:37:12,491 You ever hear a woman, she'll make fun of you. 948 00:37:12,534 --> 00:37:14,884 She'll be like, "This guy just attacked my nipple. 949 00:37:14,928 --> 00:37:18,279 "That's why I like women, because guys just..." [LICKING] 950 00:37:18,323 --> 00:37:20,150 "A woman appreciates the whole breast. 951 00:37:20,194 --> 00:37:22,892 "She goes underneath. She loves it. 952 00:37:22,936 --> 00:37:24,067 "Why don't guys do that?" 953 00:37:24,111 --> 00:37:25,373 You know why we don't go under there? 954 00:37:25,417 --> 00:37:27,114 'Cause it stinks under there. That's why. 955 00:37:27,157 --> 00:37:30,291 Yes. Wash your bras. 956 00:37:30,335 --> 00:37:33,076 Yes, they stink. Wash 'em! [CHUCKLES] 957 00:37:34,643 --> 00:37:36,558 Hanging your bra on the back of your bathroom door 958 00:37:36,602 --> 00:37:38,604 is not an air freshener. Wash your bra. 959 00:37:40,258 --> 00:37:42,477 Smells like baby powder and old dish sponges. 960 00:37:42,521 --> 00:37:43,478 It stinks. 961 00:37:44,871 --> 00:37:46,438 And guys just don't have the heart to be like, 962 00:37:46,481 --> 00:37:47,613 "It just kind of stinks down there." 963 00:37:47,656 --> 00:37:48,788 He's so happy to be on a tit. 964 00:37:48,831 --> 00:37:50,006 He's like... [LICKING] "Whatever." 965 00:37:50,050 --> 00:37:52,095 [LICKING] He's going to stay there. 966 00:37:55,185 --> 00:37:58,537 You own 13 bras and you wear two. Wash 'em! 967 00:37:58,580 --> 00:38:01,017 You're never fitting back into those other bras. 968 00:38:01,061 --> 00:38:03,672 You've got a rotating two bras. 969 00:38:03,716 --> 00:38:08,198 Somebody in this room right now is on her 11-day bra right now. 970 00:38:08,242 --> 00:38:10,331 "I didn't sweat yesterday. I put it back on again. 971 00:38:10,375 --> 00:38:11,463 [LAUGHS] 972 00:38:11,506 --> 00:38:13,160 [GAGS] It's nasty. 973 00:38:16,119 --> 00:38:17,947 Somebody might not even believe me right now. 974 00:38:17,991 --> 00:38:20,515 Somebody's like, "That's not true." It's true. 975 00:38:20,559 --> 00:38:22,256 You're gonna go home and you're gonna see that bra 976 00:38:22,300 --> 00:38:24,214 hanging on the back of the bedroom door 977 00:38:24,258 --> 00:38:25,999 or on her bathroom doorknob. 978 00:38:26,042 --> 00:38:27,827 You're just gonna grab that and go... [INHALES] 979 00:38:27,870 --> 00:38:30,090 Ah, Corey was right. This stinks! 980 00:38:34,747 --> 00:38:36,575 A lot of women don't wash their bras all the time 981 00:38:36,618 --> 00:38:39,360 because they fray and bras are expensive. 982 00:38:39,404 --> 00:38:41,493 Right? So they try to wear 'em a bunch of times 983 00:38:41,536 --> 00:38:42,929 'cause once they wash, they start messing up. 984 00:38:42,972 --> 00:38:44,452 So, instead of getting flowers 985 00:38:44,496 --> 00:38:46,802 and chocolates every year, get her some fucking bras. 986 00:38:48,674 --> 00:38:51,633 [CHUCKLES] Women, am I lying? Am I lying? 987 00:38:51,677 --> 00:38:53,635 That they're expensive. Thank you. Thank you. 988 00:38:55,681 --> 00:38:58,336 Lady over here pretending that she always washes her bras. 989 00:38:58,379 --> 00:38:59,859 Look at her. "I've never heard of a... 990 00:38:59,902 --> 00:39:01,339 "Never heard of a stinky bra." 991 00:39:01,382 --> 00:39:02,340 Bullshit. 992 00:39:04,254 --> 00:39:05,952 [CHUCKLES] 993 00:39:05,995 --> 00:39:07,693 Good. That's the thing I wanted to say. 994 00:39:15,135 --> 00:39:17,050 You guys made me do it. You made me do it. 995 00:39:19,487 --> 00:39:21,184 I want to leave things for my kids, man. 996 00:39:21,228 --> 00:39:22,751 I want to leave three things for my kids. 997 00:39:24,666 --> 00:39:27,452 I feel like now, when you have kids, 998 00:39:27,495 --> 00:39:30,890 I feel like dads always had a saying 999 00:39:30,933 --> 00:39:32,587 that they left their kids with. 1000 00:39:32,631 --> 00:39:34,415 You know what I mean? Not if your dad's alive or whatever. 1001 00:39:34,459 --> 00:39:36,112 I'm just saying, dads say stuff all the time. 1002 00:39:36,156 --> 00:39:38,376 I don't have sayings. If I die tonight, I don't... 1003 00:39:38,419 --> 00:39:40,508 My kids don't have any sayings from me. 1004 00:39:40,552 --> 00:39:42,205 All they have is the shit that I say. 1005 00:39:42,249 --> 00:39:44,294 "Give me back my phone." You know what I mean? 1006 00:39:44,338 --> 00:39:45,339 "Did you Google it?" 1007 00:39:46,775 --> 00:39:48,777 [CHUCKLES] "The math is different now." 1008 00:39:48,821 --> 00:39:51,954 I don't have any specific sayings. 1009 00:39:51,998 --> 00:39:54,043 My grandfather used to say to me, 1010 00:39:54,087 --> 00:39:56,568 "If you go to bed at night with business on your mind, 1011 00:39:56,611 --> 00:39:59,614 "you can wake up in the morning and do what you gotta do. 1012 00:39:59,658 --> 00:40:01,137 "You don't even need an alarm clock." 1013 00:40:01,181 --> 00:40:03,923 But I don't have any good shit like that. 1014 00:40:03,966 --> 00:40:07,187 My actual dad is very simple, he says different shit. 1015 00:40:07,230 --> 00:40:09,276 Like, "What goes up must come down. 1016 00:40:11,147 --> 00:40:12,932 "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood." 1017 00:40:12,975 --> 00:40:15,413 That's the shit my dad actually says. 1018 00:40:15,456 --> 00:40:17,066 I'm like, "Dad, what does that have to do 1019 00:40:17,110 --> 00:40:18,807 "with showing you a college application?" 1020 00:40:18,851 --> 00:40:20,243 He's like, "It's a beautiful day today." 1021 00:40:20,287 --> 00:40:22,507 I was like, "That doesn't help me fill it out." 1022 00:40:24,813 --> 00:40:26,162 What's something your dad used to say? 1023 00:40:28,164 --> 00:40:30,732 [MAN SPEAKING] 1024 00:40:30,776 --> 00:40:32,865 "You want something to cry, I'll give you something to cry about." 1025 00:40:32,908 --> 00:40:36,042 There you go. That is a lot of our dads, I feel like. 1026 00:40:36,085 --> 00:40:37,522 No, not any of your dads? 1027 00:40:37,565 --> 00:40:39,262 What kind of houses did you fucking grow up in? 1028 00:40:40,046 --> 00:40:41,482 What about you? 1029 00:40:41,526 --> 00:40:43,615 [MAN SPEAKING] 1030 00:40:43,658 --> 00:40:45,921 Oh, shit. I don't know what the fuck he's saying. 1031 00:40:45,965 --> 00:40:47,488 What are you saying, "Et tu, Brutes?" 1032 00:40:47,532 --> 00:40:49,621 What the fuck? 1033 00:40:49,664 --> 00:40:52,624 So, your dad was quoting Julius Caesar? 1034 00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:55,540 [CHUCKLING] The fuck? 1035 00:40:55,583 --> 00:40:57,106 Of all people to talk to right now. 1036 00:40:58,412 --> 00:41:00,719 This motherfucker, "Et tu, Brute?" 1037 00:41:01,676 --> 00:41:03,504 Veni, vidi, vici. 1038 00:41:04,853 --> 00:41:06,986 Quoting sides of cigarette packs and shit. 1039 00:41:07,029 --> 00:41:08,857 Veni, vidi...[LAUGHS] 1040 00:41:10,337 --> 00:41:12,208 Anybody else have any fucking Latin 1041 00:41:12,252 --> 00:41:13,601 that their dad used to say to 'em? 1042 00:41:14,646 --> 00:41:15,908 [CHUCKLES] 1043 00:41:17,257 --> 00:41:18,345 Oh, it's not Latin? What is it, Greek? 1044 00:41:18,388 --> 00:41:19,955 I don't fucking know. 1045 00:41:19,999 --> 00:41:21,870 - No, Julius Caesar. - It is Latin. 1046 00:41:21,914 --> 00:41:24,046 He was Latin. All right. If someone goes, "Latin?" 1047 00:41:24,090 --> 00:41:26,309 [MIMICKING LAUGHTER] I was like, "Yeah. Latin." 1048 00:41:27,528 --> 00:41:28,790 [EXHALES] I thought I was wrong too. 1049 00:41:28,834 --> 00:41:30,488 If there was like... 1050 00:41:30,531 --> 00:41:31,924 If there was like, "Latin for $500." 1051 00:41:31,967 --> 00:41:33,621 I'd be like, "Fuck! I'm not sure. I'm not sure." 1052 00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:36,929 [CHUCKLES] 1053 00:41:36,972 --> 00:41:38,452 All right, this was a lot of fun. 1054 00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:42,282 I'm fucking leaving. Et tu-- Et tu... 1055 00:41:42,325 --> 00:41:43,936 is a good way to leave. How do you say... 1056 00:41:43,979 --> 00:41:46,068 How do you say, "It's over," in Latin? 1057 00:41:46,112 --> 00:41:47,287 - MAN: Finito. - See? 1058 00:41:47,330 --> 00:41:48,506 This motherfucker does know. 1059 00:41:49,724 --> 00:41:51,639 All right. All right. Say it one more time. 1060 00:41:52,379 --> 00:41:53,685 "Fidito." 1061 00:41:53,728 --> 00:41:55,600 Are you putting a D in there or just an N? 1062 00:41:55,643 --> 00:41:57,123 N. 1063 00:41:57,166 --> 00:41:58,341 All right. I'm ending my fucking special like that. 1064 00:41:58,385 --> 00:41:59,429 Say it one more time. 1065 00:41:59,473 --> 00:42:00,474 Finito. 1066 00:42:18,579 --> 00:42:20,059 ♪ He's got a turkey neck 1067 00:42:20,973 --> 00:42:22,365 ♪ And a butterfly car 1068 00:42:23,323 --> 00:42:25,586 ♪ A fake gold watch 1069 00:42:25,630 --> 00:42:29,851 ♪ That cost him a dollar With a gold chain 1070 00:42:29,895 --> 00:42:34,029 ♪ Tangled in his chest hair Standing on the corner 1071 00:42:34,073 --> 00:42:36,336 ♪ And now the people stare 1072 00:42:36,379 --> 00:42:38,381 ♪ Because it smells like... ♪