1
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[lively music playing]

2
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[announcer] <i>Detroit, give it up...</i>

3
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<i>for Trevor Noah!</i>

4
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{\an8}[audience cheering]

5
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What's going on, Detroit?

6
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Oh! How you doing tonight, everybody?
How you doing?

7
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Welcome to the show.

8
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Thank you so much for coming out.

9
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Look at this.
What a night. What a feeling.

10
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Here we are. Detroit, Michigan.

11
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We made it.

12
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[audience cheering and applauding]

13
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I've really been enjoying it.
I'm enjoying everywhere, honestly.

14
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I'm having more fun in my life now
than I think I've ever had.

15
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I'm enjoying America more now
than I've ever, ever enjoyed it.

16
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Every day.

17
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I don't even know what it is.

18
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I think it's...

19
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You enjoy a place differently
when it might be ending, you know?

20
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It just has a...

21
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It has a different feeling to it, like...

22
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"Mmm, what is that taste?"

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"The final season? Mmm-mmm-mmm"

24
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'Cause you never know with America.
You really never know.

25
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Every day is the best day,
and possibly the last day.

26
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I'm having an amazing time, I truly am.

27
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This year was such a blessing, because...

28
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I got to travel around the world,

29
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doing shows in places
I had never performed before.

30
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Places I've always wanted to do comedy,
I've always wanted to try it out.

31
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I did shows in Berlin, Germany,
for the first time ever.

32
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That was really amazing.

33
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I won't lie, people freaked me out
before I went there.

34
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Similar to Detroit, where people are like,
"Oh, watch out, Detroit."

35
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People were like that
with Germany as well.

36
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Like, when I was going to Berlin,
people were like, "Dude, Germany?"

37
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"Do they even laugh?"

38
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I'm like, "What do you mean?
They're human beings."

39
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"I don't know, man. Do they laugh?"

40
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People got to me.

41
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At a point
when I was heading to Germany,

42
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I was like, maybe Germans just sit
in the audience, like,

43
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[in German accent]
"Uh-huh. <i>Ja, ja,</i> uh-huh."

44
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"That was a comedy show."

45
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[normally] But they don't. They laugh.

46
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They're actually great audiences.

47
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I had an amazing time in Berlin.

48
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It's a city that sneaks up on you,
because it's...

49
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It's so culturally diverse. You know?

50
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It has a burgeoning art scene.

51
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Fantastic music.

52
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The history...

53
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The history in Berlin
is truly deep and rich.

54
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I love traveling and seeing places
whenever I'm in certain cities

55
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and in Berlin,
I went out with a tour group

56
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and I had a great time.

57
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But I wish someone had warned me
how painful a lot of Berlin's history is.

58
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'Cause that was basically
the headquarters of the Nazi Party.

59
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So everything ties back to Hitler.
I didn't know this.

60
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I thought we're going
on a cute little tour.

61
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I ask a lot of questions.
I'm curious.

62
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This brought the mood down.

63
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We're out and about.

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The tour guide was doing his schtick.

65
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He was happy as well.

66
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[in German accent]
"Here, behind me, you can see,

67
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this is one of the largest airports
that was ever built in the world."

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<i>"Ja,</i> it is a world famous airport
here in Berlin,

69
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and it is so large
that we were able..."

70
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"They filmed the Hollywood movie
<i>The Hunger Games</i> inside this airport."

71
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<i>"Ja,</i> any questions?"

72
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[normally] I said,
"Yeah. Wow. How old is this thing?"

73
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[in German accent]
"This is almost 100 years old."

74
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[normally] And I'm like,

75
00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:16,089
"Damn! Who built it?"

76
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[in German accent] "Yeah. That is
the unfortunate part of the...

77
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,600
of the story here."

78
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"This airport was built by, uh, Hitler."

79
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[in normal voice]
I could see I'd messed things up.

80
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I tried to bring the mood up.

81
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I was like, "Which Hitler?"

82
00:04:40,154 --> 00:04:42,365
He says,
[in German accent] "Which Hitler?"

83
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"Which other Hitler is there?"

84
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I was like, "Could be Henry Hitler."
"Henry Hitler?"

85
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"Who the hell is Henry Hitler?"

86
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I was like, "You don't know Henry Hitler?"

87
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It didn't work.

88
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Like, "Yo, man."

89
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It was tense, but it was good.

90
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And what I mean by good...

91
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It was nice to be in a place

92
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where people don't bury their history.

93
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What I mean by that...

94
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[audience applauding]

95
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What I mean by that is that
when you travel through Germany,

96
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even if you don't go to museums,
you cannot escape the past

97
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of both Berlin and what Germany did.

98
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There are monuments
scattered throughout the city.

99
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Prominent monuments.

100
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They are memorializing what Germany did
to millions of Jewish people

101
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and other people around the world.

102
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You see it, you understand it,
they talk about it.

103
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They teach their kids about it.
They teach children in school.

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They're like,
"Hey, this is what Germany did."

105
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They make sure they know.

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But they don't make them
feel guilty about it.

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Which is an amazing balance
for them to strike.

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They'll say to the kids, they're like,
"Hey, kids. I hope you understand."

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"Germany did this."

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"You're not responsible
because you weren't there."

111
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"However, because you're
the future of Germany,

112
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it's your responsibility
to make sure this doesn't happen again."

113
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[audience cheering and applauding]

114
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You know, what I loved
about being in Germany

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when they were talking about their history
is how forthright they are about it.

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They know it's painful.

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They know that it's a terrible blight

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on who they are,
but they don't hide from it.

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When I saw them doing this, I went,

120
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"Man, I wish
America did this with history." You know?

121
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'Cause you...

122
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You ever see how awkward it is,

123
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speaking about history in America?

124
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It gets tense.

125
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Doesn't matter what history it is.
It gets tense.

126
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Columbus Day is one of those days.

127
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Every year in New York, there's a fight.
Here in Detroit, there was a fight.

128
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There was a bust of Christopher Columbus,
was around for 110 years.

129
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At a point, half of Detroit was like,
"We need to get rid of it."

130
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The other half said, "Don't get rid
of it." It was a huge fight.

131
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New York, same thing, every year.
Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples' Day.

132
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Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples' Day.

133
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There was an interview
on the news I saw once. [chuckles]

134
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It wasn't supposed to be funny,
but I found it funny.

135
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The reporter went to a guy and asked,

136
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"What will you be doing
for Indigenous Peoples' Day?"

137
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He was like, [Italian-American accent]
"It's Columbus Day,

138
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I'm sick and tired of people coming in
and changing the name."

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"We're proud of that day."

140
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"It's Christopher Columbus.
Columbus Day. It's not gonna change."

141
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"In fact, how would you feel
if somebody came along,

142
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took something
that's been around for a long time,

143
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and just decided to switch it
and call it something else?"

144
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"Huh? How would you feel?"

145
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[in normal voice] I was like, "But, sir,

146
00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:54,432
isn't that the spirit of Columbus Day?"

147
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I'll be honest. I'm not a big fan
of Indigenous Peoples' Day.

148
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The title, I don't like...
I think it's a cop-out.

149
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I don't think it's specific enough.
It's lazy.

150
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"Indigenous Peoples' Day."
Which Indigenous people? Where? How?

151
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Give me something.

152
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You know what I liked about Columbus Day?

153
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It's that it was specific.

154
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Yeah. It was a specific, inspiring story

155
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of a man by the name Christopher Columbus

156
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who believed, against all odds,

157
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that he could sail
the wrong way around the world

158
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and get to India from the other side.

159
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Nobody believed in him.

160
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Yeah.

161
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He said, "I'm gonna do this."
They said, "You can't do it, Chris."

162
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He was like, "I will."
They're like, "You can't do it!"

163
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He said, "I will!" They said, "You can't!"

164
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And he raised money, he fought for years,
he finally got the ships.

165
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And he sailed the wrong way
around the world and he didn't do it.

166
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Not only did he not land
on the other side of India,

167
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he found himself in a place
called the Caribbean.

168
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And he was like, "This is India."

169
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And the people went,
[in Caribbean accent] "I don't know

170
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if you've been eating
some of the herb we've been leaving about,

171
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but this is totally not India."

172
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He was like, "This is India
and you guys are Indians."

173
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They're like,
"Brother, we are not Indians."

174
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He's like, "I know Indians
when I don't see them."

175
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"You're Indians, just on the far side."

176
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"So you're West Indians."

177
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And he stuck with it.

178
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:40,454
Christopher Columbus
stuck with it his entire life.

179
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Other explorers would come to him
like, "Yo, Chris."

180
00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:46,210
"I don't think you made it to India."

181
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He's like, "It's India."

182
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They're like, "I don't think it's India."
He's like, "It's India."

183
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He died refusing
to acknowledge the possibility

184
00:09:54,051 --> 00:09:56,554
that he never made it to India.

185
00:09:56,637 --> 00:10:01,309
Not only that, my friends,
he never set foot in America,

186
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,019
ever.

187
00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:04,812
Ever.

188
00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:08,608
And yet, he had a public holiday

189
00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:11,777
named after him

190
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,030
in America.

191
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,826
That, my friends, is the inspiring story

192
00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:23,122
of how white men can fail up.

193
00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:37,345
Do you know how much confidence
you have to have to pull that off?

194
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,014
Nobody else. That is white man confidence.

195
00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:42,433
Nobody else possesses
that level of confidence.

196
00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:45,311
Go the wrong way.
End up in the wrong place.

197
00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:48,064
Call the wrong people the wrong name
and be like, "I'm right."

198
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,523
"Give me a holiday."

199
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:52,693
No one else can do that.

200
00:10:52,777 --> 00:10:56,155
That is the level of confidence
we should all aspire to,

201
00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:59,408
is white man levels of confidence.
Women couldn't pull that off.

202
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:02,203
If a woman said, "I'll sail
the wrong way around the Earth."

203
00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:04,664
They'll be like,
"Burn her. She's a witch!"

204
00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:10,044
You think people of color could
pull that off?

205
00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:12,254
You think Black people could?
Wow, really?

206
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:15,341
Like he was gonna sail around the world
the wrong way around.

207
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:17,593
Get to the place
they're not supposed to be.

208
00:11:17,676 --> 00:11:19,637
Probably get arrested for trespassing.

209
00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:22,765
Like, "What are you doing here?"

210
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:26,894
[in African-American accent] "My bad,
I thought I was getting to India."

211
00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:29,105
"Man, I don't know what I was thinking."

212
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:32,358
"We should've never messed with ships.
It never turns out good."

213
00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:35,361
"I apologize. I apologize, man."

214
00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:36,821
"This won't happen again."

215
00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:44,954
Why would you wanna bury your history?

216
00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:48,457
There's so much joy and so much to learn.

217
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:49,959
You know?

218
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,795
It feels like America
is moving in that direction.

219
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,881
It wants less and less of its history,
less and less context.

220
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:58,259
You look what's happening
with textbooks.

221
00:11:58,342 --> 00:12:01,303
Places like Florida,
they wanna ban textbooks

222
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:05,266
or cut out the parts of the textbooks
that have slavery in the books.

223
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,768
And now parents are fighting.
They're like,

224
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:11,981
"No, no, take the slavery out.
It's making the kids feel bad."

225
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:14,108
Other parents are like,
"Keep the slavery in."

226
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:15,401
"It teaches children."

227
00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:18,654
And they're fighting
back and forth. I'm like, "Why?"

228
00:12:18,737 --> 00:12:20,739
You don't need to be fighting about...

229
00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:22,700
No one should be fighting about this.

230
00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:25,286
Kids don't read textbooks.

231
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:34,462
They watch TikTok.

232
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,798
If you wanna get to the kids,
that's where you gotta be.

233
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,175
<i>♪ There was slavery ♪</i>

234
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:40,342
<i>♪ Ships came ♪</i>

235
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:41,426
<i>♪ Yeah... ♪</i>

236
00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:54,356
I'll be honest. I don't think
that textbook thing is like a real issue.

237
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,026
I feel like it's one of those
manufactured issues

238
00:12:57,109 --> 00:13:00,279
that often happens in America
that gets people riled up

239
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,990
and gets them fired up,

240
00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:06,202
fighting about something
that was never an issue to begin with.

241
00:13:06,785 --> 00:13:09,246
I say this
because that's honestly what I believe.

242
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:12,750
I feel like in America,
politicians have done a really good job

243
00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:16,295
of tricking Americans
into fighting about issues

244
00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:18,589
that were never an issue to begin with,

245
00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:21,884
so that you don't pay attention
to the issues that actually are.

246
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:24,386
You know?

247
00:13:28,265 --> 00:13:30,643
If you're fighting
about what's in a textbook,

248
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:34,146
you don't pay attention to the fact
that inflation is out of control.

249
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:37,233
You don't pay attention
that rents are out of control.

250
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:38,943
People cannot afford to live anywhere.

251
00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:41,153
Salaries have never
kept up with inflation.

252
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:43,781
Corporations steal billions
and billions of dollars

253
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:46,116
from their employees
with no ramifications.

254
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,160
You don't pay attention to any of that.

255
00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:51,914
You pay attention to what's catchy,
what's easy to keep up with.

256
00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:53,791
It keeps you going, you know?

257
00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:57,044
"Ooh,
can trans people use public bathrooms?"

258
00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:58,379
"Ooh!"

259
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,423
It's manufactured.

260
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,051
Who was dealing with this issue? Honestly.

261
00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,345
Who was actually dealing with this issue?

262
00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:09,223
You know what they did?
Some politician figured out, they go,

263
00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:12,184
"Here's a small story affecting
a few people in a random place."

264
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,645
"I'll make it seem
like a nationwide issue,

265
00:14:14,728 --> 00:14:17,398
then everyone starts fighting."
But who was dealing with it?

266
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:20,943
Who has ever been in a situation
where you were in a bathroom,

267
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:23,821
and all of a sudden a skirmish broke out
and people go,

268
00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:26,657
"Excuse me, is this the gender
that you were born with?"

269
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:29,410
"Does it coincide
with the sign on the door?"

270
00:14:29,493 --> 00:14:31,745
"Is your genitalia matching this?"

271
00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:32,955
"Can I see it?"

272
00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:34,456
Who's ever seen that?

273
00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:36,165
Nobody.

274
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:38,961
Nobody.

275
00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:44,216
But they make us fight about it
because it's catchy.

276
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,886
"Who can use which bathroom."
Who cares?

277
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,805
Who cares? I mean it, who cares?

278
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,765
I know some would be like,
"Trans people care."

279
00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:53,976
They wanna know
if they can use a public bathroom.

280
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:57,104
Yeah, use whichever bathroom you want.
Who's gonna stop you?

281
00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:01,108
No, seriously, it's a public toilet.

282
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:02,943
Who is going to stop you?

283
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,779
You tell me
who's gonna enforce that law?

284
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:08,198
We can't even enforce the idea

285
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:10,326
that people should shit into the toilet.

286
00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:17,750
But you think magically they're gonna
figure out if you were born this way.

287
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:22,713
Use whichever one you want.
Why are we wasting our time?

288
00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:25,090
Other people are like,

289
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:27,509
"We'll fight
because you gotta know who's..."

290
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:30,512
Let me tell you something.
If you are spending enough time

291
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:33,724
to know the genitalia of the other people
in a public bathroom,

292
00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:35,017
you're the creep.

293
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:38,896
I'm worried about you.

294
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:45,569
There is a simple rule
to every public toilet around the world.

295
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:48,781
And that rule is, you get in,
pay no attention to anyone else,

296
00:15:48,864 --> 00:15:50,532
hold your breath and you get out.

297
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:54,620
Quit standing around
staring at other people.

298
00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:56,914
Every man in this room knows
when we use the toilet,

299
00:15:56,997 --> 00:16:00,125
we get in, public toilet,
you stare dead ahead, you pee,

300
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:02,336
do your thing.
Do not look to either side.

301
00:16:02,419 --> 00:16:04,338
If you're fidgety, look up, look down.

302
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:06,006
You do not look at anyone else.

303
00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:08,884
The guy next to you can start choking.
You don't turn your head.

304
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,095
You don't shake, you don't move.

305
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:12,388
You hear him, like...

306
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,181
[mimics choking]

307
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:16,517
You be like, "Hey, man, hey. Hey."

308
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,978
"Hey, you all right? Yo, yo."

309
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,479
"Hey, man, you okay?"

310
00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:23,148
"Yo, yo. You want me to call...
Hey, man, are you okay?"

311
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:26,068
[mimics choking]
"You wanna call... ""Don't look at me!"

312
00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:31,572
What are we doing?

313
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,368
What are we fighting about?

314
00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:36,912
Public bathrooms.

315
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:40,958
If you know your history, you know
this happens all the time in America.

316
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:44,253
It happens over and over and over again.

317
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:48,215
There was a time when women had to fight
to use public bathrooms in America.

318
00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:49,299
Imagine that.

319
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:52,594
There was literally a time when women
weren't allowed to use public bathrooms

320
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,763
all across America and they had to fight.

321
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:57,683
And there were men who were angry.
They were like, "This is crazy."

322
00:16:57,766 --> 00:17:02,104
"You're gonna have women
in public bathrooms? That's insane!"

323
00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:04,648
"How does it work, huh?"

324
00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:08,068
"What, they're gonna come in there
while we're peeing?"

325
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,654
"And then what?
They're gonna look at our wieners?"

326
00:17:11,238 --> 00:17:13,157
"And they're gonna laugh, huh?"

327
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:17,870
Think about this, ladies.

328
00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:23,792
There was a time when women were first
allowed to step into the workplace,

329
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:26,503
where there were no public bathrooms
they could use.

330
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:29,923
So, ladies, if you were out and about
back then, you needed to pee,

331
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:31,592
you needed to poo,
you had to go home.

332
00:17:31,675 --> 00:17:33,510
Yeah. And I say poo theoretically,

333
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,387
I don't know if you actually do.

334
00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:39,391
No, I don't think any guy does.
Let's be honest. We don't.

335
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:44,188
We assume this on a biological level,
but I don't know for certain

336
00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:46,148
that any woman actually...

337
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:49,109
In fact, any man in here,
think of any woman in your life.

338
00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:52,154
Do you know the last time she pooed?
I don't think you know.

339
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:53,697
I don't think you know.

340
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:56,492
There is no forensic evidence
to back up that claim.

341
00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:58,160
There is no smell.

342
00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:01,038
There is no stain.
There is no nothing.

343
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:04,291
Ladies, I don't know
who does your bathroom PR,

344
00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,043
but they are doing a stellar job.

345
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,795
Stellar job.

346
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:11,632
Women go to the bathroom,
smells better when they come out of it.

347
00:18:11,715 --> 00:18:12,715
How?

348
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:16,595
You never know
when a lady is pooing. Never.

349
00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:19,598
Because also,
women keep the same amount of time.

350
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:22,226
That's the most impressive thing.
You give nothing away.

351
00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:24,895
Yeah, a woman's gonna go pee,
it takes ten minutes.

352
00:18:24,978 --> 00:18:26,814
She goes to the bathroom. All right.

353
00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:30,484
Gets there, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,
comes out, washes her hand,

354
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:33,445
powders her face, texts on the phone,
comes back to the table.

355
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:34,947
You have no clue. Yeah.

356
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:37,241
She's gonna go poo,
same thing, ten minutes.

357
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:38,450
Goes to the bathroom,

358
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,869
pellets, pellets, pellets,
comes back out.

359
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,623
Wash her hands, powder the nose,
text her friends. Get back out there.

360
00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:46,583
You have no clue.

361
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,753
With men,
you know exactly what we're doing.

362
00:18:51,713 --> 00:18:53,298
Discretion is not our forte.

363
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,553
You know when every single man
is gonna go pee. Why?

364
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:58,929
Two minutes.

365
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:02,391
Off to the bathroom, we're in there.
Quickest thing ever.

366
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:03,892
It's like a NASCAR pit stop.

367
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:07,062
Yeah, we get in, we pee, we come back out,

368
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,648
act like we're washing our hands
and we're back.

369
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,612
How do you know
when we take a dump?

370
00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:18,615
'Cause it's obvious.
We go to the bathroom, never come back.

371
00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:22,452
That's the last time you'll ever see us.

372
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:25,414
Your family's putting up
wanted posters in the restaurant.

373
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,291
"Have you seen this man?"

374
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:34,339
Imagine, people were fighting
about bathrooms every time in America.

375
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:37,593
Every time. There was a time
when Black people had to fight

376
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:39,636
to use public bathrooms. Huh.

377
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:43,891
Same thing. Black people were like,
"Why can we not use public bathrooms?"

378
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:45,893
And again, people were angry.

379
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,311
"This is crazy."

380
00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:51,148
"You're gonna have Black people in this
in a public bathroom?"

381
00:19:51,231 --> 00:19:53,192
"How does that even work, huh?"

382
00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:57,070
"So what? They're gonna be
standing there while I pee, huh?"

383
00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:59,364
"They're gonna be
looking at my wiener? Huh?"

384
00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:01,658
"And they're gonna laugh? Huh?"

385
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,833
I'm old enough to remember

386
00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:12,544
when there was a discussion in America

387
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:15,214
about whether gay people
could use public bathrooms.

388
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,799
This was an actual topic of discussion.

389
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:21,094
I remember people on the news
being interviewed.

390
00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:24,306
"Do you think gay men should
be allowed into the same bathrooms

391
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:27,476
as straight men?" They'll be like,
"I don't mind what they do,

392
00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,645
if they keep it to themselves,
that's fine."

393
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:33,815
"But just answer me this.
Answer me this. How is it gonna work?"

394
00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:37,402
"So what? You're in the bathroom
with them and then what?"

395
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,613
"He's gay and I'm just standing there

396
00:20:39,696 --> 00:20:41,073
and I'm peeing, huh?"

397
00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:44,076
"And he's looking at my wiener? Huh?"

398
00:20:44,159 --> 00:20:46,328
"And then he grabs it, huh?"

399
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,373
"And he starts yanking on it, huh?"

400
00:20:49,456 --> 00:20:50,916
"He just starts tugging away

401
00:20:50,999 --> 00:20:53,794
and I get hard and I'm enjoying it, huh?"

402
00:20:53,877 --> 00:20:57,673
"And then this is one of the best
experiences I've ever had, huh?"

403
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,092
"And then I start coming back weekly

404
00:21:00,175 --> 00:21:02,803
hoping I'll bump into him and I do, huh?"

405
00:21:02,886 --> 00:21:05,180
"And then at some point
we agree to meet outside,

406
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:08,600
a nice little restaurant that's cozy
and get to know each other, huh?"

407
00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:10,936
"And then a few years later,
we get married

408
00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:13,480
and our families are joined
and we live happily ever after?"

409
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:14,982
"Is that what you want?"

410
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:20,946
Wow.

411
00:21:24,324 --> 00:21:25,450
Public bathrooms.

412
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,664
It's why you shouldn't bury your history.

413
00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:36,169
If you know what's happened,
you know what to predict.

414
00:21:36,253 --> 00:21:38,964
You understand why it happened
in the first place.

415
00:21:39,047 --> 00:21:41,508
Germany does that
in a truly astounding way.

416
00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:43,260
It will never be perfect.

417
00:21:43,343 --> 00:21:46,013
But Germany is one of the only countries
in the world

418
00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:48,890
that has actively
paid reparations for what they did.

419
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:54,104
One of the only countries in the world
that has actively apologized

420
00:21:55,439 --> 00:21:59,026
and one of the only countries in the world
that's set about changing

421
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:02,237
how they see themselves
and how the world sees them.

422
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:06,325
After World War II,
Germany changed a bunch of laws.

423
00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:08,827
They changed the iconography
of the country.

424
00:22:08,910 --> 00:22:10,787
What you could hang,
where you could hang it.

425
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,956
They changed their national anthem.

426
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,792
Yeah, imagine that,
they changed the national anthem.

427
00:22:16,626 --> 00:22:19,671
They felt that the national anthem
was a nationalist song

428
00:22:19,755 --> 00:22:22,507
that the Nazis used to inspire people
to think the wrong things.

429
00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:24,843
They changed it.
The original song was called

430
00:22:24,926 --> 00:22:26,970
<i>"Deutschland, Deutschland über alles."</i>

431
00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:29,598
You've probably heard it
in old movies or whatever.

432
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:30,557
The song went like...

433
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,100
[singing in German]

434
00:22:38,398 --> 00:22:40,734
And translated into English, it means...

435
00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:44,613
<i>♪ Germany, Germany over everything ♪</i>

436
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:47,949
<i>♪ Over everything in the world ♪</i>

437
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:50,786
And clearly they meant it.

438
00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:56,833
Yeah, where most anthems are theoretical,
the Germans are precise.

439
00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:03,757
But after World War II, they were like,
"We can't have that same attitude."

440
00:23:04,299 --> 00:23:05,884
And so they changed the anthem.

441
00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:07,552
And new lyrics.

442
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:08,970
The new lyrics are...

443
00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:10,263
[singing in German]

444
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,231
Which translated into English is...

445
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:23,944
<i>♪ Unity and rights and freedom ♪</i>

446
00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:27,447
<i>♪ For all the people who live in Germany ♪</i>

447
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:33,245
Which... Which is adorable.

448
00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:37,290
It's adorable.
They may as well have made the song...

449
00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:40,418
<i>♪ Sorry, sorry
We're so, so sorry ♪</i>

450
00:23:40,502 --> 00:23:43,463
<i>♪ Sorry, sorry, sorry for what we did ♪</i>

451
00:23:46,716 --> 00:23:49,928
I appreciate that they did it,
but I wouldn't have gone that far.

452
00:23:50,011 --> 00:23:52,139
I won't lie.
I wouldn't have gone that far.

453
00:23:52,222 --> 00:23:55,350
I think <i>über alles</i> is terrible.
That's not a good way to think.

454
00:23:55,433 --> 00:23:57,811
But you still gotta have
a bit of kick in your anthem.

455
00:23:57,894 --> 00:24:00,605
You still gotta have a...
I would've found a middle ground.

456
00:24:00,689 --> 00:24:01,773
Mine would have been...

457
00:24:01,857 --> 00:24:04,401
[in German] <i>♪ Germany
Germany, somewhere... ♪</i>

458
00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:05,986
[in English]...in the top five.

459
00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:09,865
[in German]
<i>♪ Not over everything in the world ♪</i>

460
00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:13,910
[in English] <i>♪ Because we are definitely
In the top five ♪</i>

461
00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:15,704
<i>♪ When you think about it ♪</i>

462
00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:17,289
<i>♪ America's number one ♪</i>

463
00:24:17,372 --> 00:24:21,877
<i>♪ And then you have Great Britain
And then you have France and Spain ♪</i>

464
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,628
<i>♪ And then we are at number five... ♪</i>

465
00:24:23,712 --> 00:24:25,630
Actually, Spain is not better than us.

466
00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:27,174
<i>♪ So we are number four ♪</i>

467
00:24:27,257 --> 00:24:28,758
<i>♪ Number four in the... ♪</i>

468
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:32,220
Yeah, but France,
their economy is not that strong.

469
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:34,556
<i>♪ So, maybe we are number three
In the world ♪</i>

470
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:36,224
<i>♪ Then you have England above... ♪</i>

471
00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:39,060
Oh, wait, oh, Brexit was not a smart idea.

472
00:24:39,144 --> 00:24:42,314
<i>♪ So maybe if we are number two
And America is number... ♪</i>

473
00:24:42,397 --> 00:24:44,816
Oh, the elections are not that stable. So...

474
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:47,527
Then maybe we are <i>über alles</i> of the world!

475
00:24:51,281 --> 00:24:52,281
[chuckles]

476
00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:57,746
[in normal accent] It's one
of the biggest things they did,

477
00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:59,664
and nobody knows that they did it.

478
00:25:00,832 --> 00:25:03,084
I was chatting to a German guy.

479
00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:06,421
And he was perplexed by this.
Absolutely perplexed.

480
00:25:06,504 --> 00:25:09,799
He said... [in German accent] "In Germany
we've done so many things."

481
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:12,260
"The national anthem
was a big change for us."

482
00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:14,512
"I'm sure
the whole world talks about this."

483
00:25:16,514 --> 00:25:18,642
[in normal accent] I said, "Nope." [sighs]

484
00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:20,852
He was like, "What do you mean?"

485
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:23,271
"What do you mean?
Who doesn't talk about it?"

486
00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:25,523
I was like, "Nobody.
Nobody talks about it."

487
00:25:25,607 --> 00:25:28,443
"Who's nobody?"
I was like, "Nobody. No one."

488
00:25:28,526 --> 00:25:30,695
"No one outside of Germany
even knows this."

489
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:33,740
"How can they not know?"
I was like, "What do you mean?"

490
00:25:33,823 --> 00:25:36,409
"It's German. No one speaks German
outside Germany."

491
00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:37,702
"How would anyone know?"

492
00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:39,704
"Also, you guys did something weird."

493
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:43,541
"You changed the lyrics,
but you kept the beat."

494
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:48,088
It's a strange move.

495
00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:52,634
[in German accent] You're like, "This song
is terrible, and we're changing it."

496
00:25:52,717 --> 00:25:54,052
<i>"Ja.</i> What about the beat?"

497
00:25:54,135 --> 00:25:57,305
"No, we are keeping that 'cause
I've learned all the moves. <i>Ja."</i>

498
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:04,479
[normally] That's probably why most people
don't know it changed.

499
00:26:04,562 --> 00:26:08,316
You've kept the beat.
Most people don't know the lyrics.

500
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:09,818
We just know the beat.

501
00:26:09,901 --> 00:26:12,529
No one knew Michael Jackson
was saying, "You're a vegetable."

502
00:26:12,612 --> 00:26:13,905
None of us knew that.

503
00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:16,574
Some of you are like,
"When did he say 'vegetable'?"

504
00:26:16,658 --> 00:26:18,326
Been singing it your whole life...

505
00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:19,619
<i>♪ You're a vegetable ♪</i>

506
00:26:21,746 --> 00:26:23,999
No one knows lyrics.
We just know the beat.

507
00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:27,961
That's what Germany did. It's weird.

508
00:26:28,712 --> 00:26:33,300
It's weird to not change the music.
'Cause the music comes with emotion.

509
00:26:34,217 --> 00:26:36,970
I was trying to explain this to him.
He didn't get it.

510
00:26:37,929 --> 00:26:40,015
And I realized,
you know what it's like.

511
00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:41,099
What Germany did,

512
00:26:41,725 --> 00:26:44,269
it would be like if in <i>Star Wars,</i> right?

513
00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:48,148
You know <i>Star Wars.</i>
All right, let's say, Darth Vader.

514
00:26:48,231 --> 00:26:50,233
Whenever Darth Vader came into a scene,

515
00:26:50,317 --> 00:26:52,569
whenever he landed
on one of those planets,

516
00:26:52,652 --> 00:26:55,113
you always knew something
was about to go down,

517
00:26:55,196 --> 00:26:56,448
something bad,

518
00:26:56,531 --> 00:26:57,949
because he had his music.

519
00:26:58,616 --> 00:27:01,202
All right?
The music told you what was gonna happen.

520
00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:02,412
The ship would land...

521
00:27:02,495 --> 00:27:03,747
[imitates whooshing]

522
00:27:04,581 --> 00:27:05,582
Door would open...

523
00:27:05,665 --> 00:27:07,125
[imitates electric hum]

524
00:27:07,208 --> 00:27:08,585
And he'd be standing there.

525
00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:10,462
[imitates strained breathing]

526
00:27:13,381 --> 00:27:14,466
But he would never...

527
00:27:14,549 --> 00:27:17,844
He would never come into the game
without his song playing.

528
00:27:17,927 --> 00:27:20,847
Never. He'll be there,
DJ on the side, like,

529
00:27:20,930 --> 00:27:22,891
[mimics Darth Vader] "DJ, play my jam."

530
00:27:24,059 --> 00:27:25,810
[imitates record scratching]

531
00:27:27,562 --> 00:27:29,439
[mimics "The Imperial March"]

532
00:27:31,483 --> 00:27:32,484
"That's right."

533
00:27:36,654 --> 00:27:37,654
"Uh-huh."

534
00:27:41,618 --> 00:27:43,745
And then you knew it was about to go down.

535
00:27:44,621 --> 00:27:45,497
Get down there...

536
00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:47,665
[mimics Darth Vader]
"Kneel before me, Jedi."

537
00:27:47,749 --> 00:27:50,001
[in high-pitched voice] "We'll never kneel
before you."

538
00:27:50,085 --> 00:27:52,128
[mimics lightsabers whooshing]

539
00:27:54,631 --> 00:27:56,883
"You cannot defeat me."

540
00:27:56,966 --> 00:27:59,761
"He's so strong.
I don't know if we're gonna win."

541
00:27:59,844 --> 00:28:01,346
[mimics Yoda] "Defeat him, we shall."

542
00:28:01,429 --> 00:28:03,348
[continues mimicking lightsabers]

543
00:28:04,224 --> 00:28:05,475
"Use the Force, we will."

544
00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:12,148
[mimicking Darth Vader]
"Ahh, you have defeated me!"

545
00:28:12,232 --> 00:28:14,484
"We did it, Master Yoda! We did it!

546
00:28:14,567 --> 00:28:15,944
"We defeated Darth Vader!"

547
00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:17,570
[mimics Yoda] "Indeed, we have."

548
00:28:17,654 --> 00:28:18,822
"What do we do now?"

549
00:28:18,905 --> 00:28:20,865
"Free the Empire, we shall."

550
00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:23,284
"Travel around,
the good news we shall spread."

551
00:28:23,368 --> 00:28:24,244
"Let's do it."

552
00:28:24,327 --> 00:28:26,621
"Yes, a new song we shall play."

553
00:28:26,704 --> 00:28:29,457
[mimics "The Imperial March"]

554
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:32,001
"You're free."

555
00:28:32,085 --> 00:28:34,254
[mimics "The Imperial March"]

556
00:28:35,672 --> 00:28:37,382
[in normal voice] It's weird.

557
00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:50,603
It's still impressive, though.
Still impressive.

558
00:28:50,687 --> 00:28:54,816
Changing your national anthem
is no small thing.

559
00:28:54,899 --> 00:28:55,900
It truly isn't.

560
00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:57,986
Changing anything.

561
00:28:58,069 --> 00:28:59,821
We were having this conversation.

562
00:29:00,405 --> 00:29:03,074
And afterwards, he said
something interesting, he's like,

563
00:29:03,158 --> 00:29:06,453
[in German accent] "Because we saw
how Germany had to change

564
00:29:06,536 --> 00:29:09,706
how it saw itself
in order to change what it did,

565
00:29:09,789 --> 00:29:11,583
it's why we changed the anthem."

566
00:29:11,666 --> 00:29:13,251
I was like, "That's powerful."

567
00:29:13,334 --> 00:29:15,628
He's like, "Do you think
America would ever change..."

568
00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:18,214
I was like,
"Don't even finish that sentence."

569
00:29:18,298 --> 00:29:22,010
"You don't even finish that sentence."

570
00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:27,766
If there's one thing I've learned,
America hates change.

571
00:29:28,433 --> 00:29:32,979
Whoo! America does not like change.

572
00:29:34,272 --> 00:29:36,149
You wanna change
the things Germany changed?

573
00:29:36,232 --> 00:29:38,735
The money, the flags, the anthem.
Are you kidding me?

574
00:29:38,818 --> 00:29:41,237
Remember when they tried
to change the $20 bill?

575
00:29:41,821 --> 00:29:43,072
Remember that?

576
00:29:43,156 --> 00:29:45,492
They said they'd put
Harriet Tubman on the bill.

577
00:29:45,575 --> 00:29:48,745
People got so angry,
they postponed it indefinitely.

578
00:29:49,829 --> 00:29:52,290
People were furious. "What are you doing?"

579
00:29:52,373 --> 00:29:54,501
"We're putting Harriet..."
"How dare you?"

580
00:29:54,584 --> 00:29:58,338
"How dare you take
an American president off the $20?"

581
00:29:58,421 --> 00:29:59,756
"How dare you take..."

582
00:29:59,839 --> 00:30:01,341
"Who's on the $20?"

583
00:30:02,008 --> 00:30:06,930
"How dare you take Andrew Jackson
off the $20 bill?"

584
00:30:07,013 --> 00:30:09,849
"They're just putting
Harriet Tubman on the front,

585
00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:11,643
and Andrew Jackson will be on the back."

586
00:30:11,726 --> 00:30:15,355
"You're putting an American president
on the back? On the back?"

587
00:30:15,438 --> 00:30:17,023
"That's disrespectful!"

588
00:30:17,106 --> 00:30:18,358
It's not, really.

589
00:30:18,441 --> 00:30:20,443
If you know your history,
you would know,

590
00:30:20,527 --> 00:30:23,321
Andrew Jackson would love to be
on the back side of a Black woman,

591
00:30:23,404 --> 00:30:25,406
so I don't know why you're so stressed.

592
00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:28,743
I feel like everybody wins.

593
00:30:35,083 --> 00:30:36,918
People were furious, though.

594
00:30:37,627 --> 00:30:40,463
And now you're gonna suggest
changing the flag?

595
00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:42,924
Suggest changing the anthem? Whoo!

596
00:30:43,550 --> 00:30:46,094
There's two things I've learned,
living in America.

597
00:30:46,177 --> 00:30:50,056
It's you respect the flag
and you respect the anthem.

598
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:52,267
I don't know what it means.

599
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:54,978
But I follow the rules.

600
00:30:56,896 --> 00:30:59,399
I say I don't know
what it means is because it's confusing.

601
00:30:59,482 --> 00:31:02,819
You'll meet people like,
"You respect the flag!" and I get it.

602
00:31:02,902 --> 00:31:05,280
But then I'll see those same people
on July 4th,

603
00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:07,574
and they'll be wearing the flag
as underwear.

604
00:31:11,911 --> 00:31:12,912
Does that count?

605
00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:16,040
And you looked up
and you were like,

606
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:17,709
"That flag, these balls."

607
00:31:25,633 --> 00:31:27,760
I would never suggest changing any of it.

608
00:31:27,844 --> 00:31:29,762
The anthem? Oh, no, never the anthem.

609
00:31:30,305 --> 00:31:32,932
Even though it could.
Maybe it could do with a little change.

610
00:31:33,016 --> 00:31:35,310
It is a very violent anthem.

611
00:31:35,935 --> 00:31:38,271
And America struggles with violence,

612
00:31:38,354 --> 00:31:39,689
Maybe like a softer...

613
00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:41,190
It's a violent anthem.

614
00:31:41,274 --> 00:31:45,361
It's the only anthem I've ever heard
that has bombs blowing up in it.

615
00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:50,074
Yeah. There are bombs and rockets
in your national anthem.

616
00:31:50,700 --> 00:31:52,744
It's like a Michael Bay movie in a song.

617
00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:55,663
Everything blowing up in slow motion.

618
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,749
[imitates explosions]

619
00:31:57,832 --> 00:32:00,793
It's almost like you're threatening
other countries as well.

620
00:32:00,877 --> 00:32:04,130
It's like, "Yeah, bombs bursting
and rockets were flaring."

621
00:32:04,213 --> 00:32:05,213
"Try us."

622
00:32:07,383 --> 00:32:09,344
It's like a gangster rap, to be honest.

623
00:32:10,511 --> 00:32:11,346
It really is.

624
00:32:11,429 --> 00:32:13,723
The American anthem
is like a gangster rap.

625
00:32:13,806 --> 00:32:15,600
It has all the same elements.

626
00:32:15,683 --> 00:32:17,727
It has the violence, it has the threats.

627
00:32:17,810 --> 00:32:19,854
You know how it's similar
to a gangster rap?

628
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:23,816
The American anthem is the only anthem
where you can put the word "bitch"

629
00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:25,777
at the end of any line

630
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:29,948
and the song still makes sense.

631
00:32:32,825 --> 00:32:36,621
<i>♪ Gave proof through the night ♪</i>

632
00:32:36,704 --> 00:32:39,916
<i>♪ That our flag was still there ♪</i>

633
00:32:39,999 --> 00:32:41,084
<i>♪ Bitch ♪</i>

634
00:32:53,930 --> 00:32:56,432
I love the American national anthem,
I won't lie.

635
00:32:57,141 --> 00:33:00,812
It's exciting, and I know all the words.
I didn't try, but I know them.

636
00:33:00,895 --> 00:33:03,606
It's one of those songs
that you hear so much that you know it.

637
00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:04,524
Sort of like

638
00:33:04,607 --> 00:33:06,359
<i>♪ Nationwide is on your side ♪</i>

639
00:33:06,442 --> 00:33:07,442
Same...

640
00:33:07,485 --> 00:33:10,613
Same thing. Don't wanna know that.
Don't need to know that.

641
00:33:10,697 --> 00:33:13,616
Wish I could reclaim the space
in my brain, but it's there.

642
00:33:15,034 --> 00:33:19,330
America's national anthem is like that,
'cause you hear it so much in America.

643
00:33:20,206 --> 00:33:23,084
Now, this is the only country
I've ever ever lived in

644
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:24,961
where you play the national anthem

645
00:33:25,461 --> 00:33:27,672
when there is no other country
in attendance.

646
00:33:31,050 --> 00:33:32,802
It would be like basketball games,

647
00:33:32,885 --> 00:33:33,928
football games,

648
00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:35,179
beer pong games,

649
00:33:35,263 --> 00:33:36,431
national anthem.

650
00:33:38,057 --> 00:33:41,519
Which I know is normal
if you've lived in America all your life.

651
00:33:41,602 --> 00:33:44,397
"What other way is there, Trevor?"
I'll tell you...

652
00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:47,984
I'll tell you as somebody
who comes from the rest of the world,

653
00:33:49,819 --> 00:33:51,279
that's not a thing.

654
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:54,449
It's not. Most places in the world,

655
00:33:54,532 --> 00:33:56,868
you play the national anthem
maybe once a year,

656
00:33:56,951 --> 00:33:59,037
on a national event,
or when you're competing

657
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,205
against another country.
Then you play it.

658
00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:05,585
'Cause the other country is there
and you have to prove to your country

659
00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:08,629
that you're loyal.
That's why you sing the song.

660
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:11,382
'Cause countries are very insecure.

661
00:34:13,176 --> 00:34:14,510
You have to reassure them.

662
00:34:15,219 --> 00:34:16,345
Constantly reassuring.

663
00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:18,056
They should go to therapy,

664
00:34:18,139 --> 00:34:20,600
deal with their attachment issues,
but they don't.

665
00:34:21,267 --> 00:34:24,020
You only realize
how insecure countries are

666
00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:25,938
when you leave your country.

667
00:34:26,022 --> 00:34:27,398
Have you ever left and come back?

668
00:34:27,482 --> 00:34:29,334
Have you seen the questions
your country asks you?

669
00:34:29,358 --> 00:34:31,569
So insecure, so jealous.

670
00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:34,530
Just like, "Where have you been, huh?"

671
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:37,325
"Where have you been? Which countries?"

672
00:34:37,408 --> 00:34:39,535
"So what? You have another country now?"

673
00:34:39,619 --> 00:34:41,913
"Is that what you're doing, huh? Huh?"

674
00:34:41,996 --> 00:34:45,625
"Which stamps are these? Let's see
who's been stamping your passport."

675
00:34:45,708 --> 00:34:48,711
You're like, "Damn, country.
Let me get my privacy."

676
00:34:52,423 --> 00:34:56,636
That's why you only sing the anthem
when there's another country attending.

677
00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:58,346
The only time you do it.

678
00:34:58,429 --> 00:35:01,057
That's what it's for,
to make your country feel good.

679
00:35:01,808 --> 00:35:02,725
All right?

680
00:35:02,809 --> 00:35:04,560
You know what national anthems are?

681
00:35:04,644 --> 00:35:10,691
National anthems are the geopolitical
equivalent of that thing women do

682
00:35:11,317 --> 00:35:12,360
to us men.

683
00:35:13,402 --> 00:35:17,198
Like, ladies, you know that trick
you have for that man in your life?

684
00:35:17,281 --> 00:35:20,118
Like, whenever his ego is bruised,

685
00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:23,538
and you have to you try and heal it.

686
00:35:24,580 --> 00:35:27,291
Every woman in this room has a trick

687
00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:29,085
that works on every man.

688
00:35:29,168 --> 00:35:33,005
And right now, I know a lot of the women
are like, "Shut up, Trevor!"

689
00:35:33,089 --> 00:35:35,758
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

690
00:35:36,759 --> 00:35:38,886
It's a beautiful, subtle technique.

691
00:35:38,970 --> 00:35:41,806
Yeah, you'll be out
having lunch or something,

692
00:35:41,889 --> 00:35:44,183
and some guy will come up to the table.

693
00:35:44,267 --> 00:35:46,894
He's buff, works out,
you know, looks really good.

694
00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:49,689
He's like,
"Oh, my God, Michelle? Michelle?"

695
00:35:49,772 --> 00:35:52,859
Like, "Oh, Justin? Oh, my God."

696
00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:54,360
"Wow. How are you?"

697
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:57,363
And you're like,
"Who the hell is Justin? What's going on?"

698
00:35:57,446 --> 00:36:00,449
He's like, "This is crazy.
Twice in two weeks?"

699
00:36:01,492 --> 00:36:04,996
And you go like, "Twice?
When was once? Who is this?"

700
00:36:05,079 --> 00:36:07,415
"I know. Oh, my God. How are you?"

701
00:36:07,498 --> 00:36:10,835
"I'm doing good. We gotta catch up.
We gotta talk about college."

702
00:36:10,918 --> 00:36:13,713
"I was thinking about it.
We were so crazy in college."

703
00:36:13,796 --> 00:36:15,631
"You remember that night?"

704
00:36:15,715 --> 00:36:18,092
"You went to college? What's going on?"

705
00:36:19,302 --> 00:36:23,598
She can feel your ego
slowly withering like a raisin in the sun.

706
00:36:25,516 --> 00:36:27,185
And she won't look at you.

707
00:36:27,268 --> 00:36:28,853
She won't make it a big thing.

708
00:36:28,936 --> 00:36:30,605
She'll continue the conversation.

709
00:36:30,688 --> 00:36:33,316
But they'll gently just
put their hand on your thigh.

710
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:36,527
And then just start rubbing it.

711
00:36:37,612 --> 00:36:39,697
She'll carry on like nothing's happening.

712
00:36:39,780 --> 00:36:43,451
"I know, those were crazy. I was
a cheerleader. What are you gonna do?"

713
00:36:43,534 --> 00:36:45,912
"It's just one of those."
And the hand is going,

714
00:36:45,995 --> 00:36:48,206
"Shh. Shh, shh, shh."

715
00:36:49,248 --> 00:36:51,584
"Shh. It's okay. It's okay."

716
00:36:52,210 --> 00:36:55,046
"It's okay, you're a big man. Big man."

717
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:58,466
"Strong man. That's right."

718
00:36:58,549 --> 00:37:02,803
"There's no other man in the world.
Just you. Look at you. Wow."

719
00:37:02,887 --> 00:37:04,597
"What a big man. Yeah."

720
00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:07,016
"Who, this guy?
I don't even know who he is."

721
00:37:07,767 --> 00:37:09,393
"Yeah, no, with his muscles."

722
00:37:09,477 --> 00:37:11,103
"Oh, I don't like muscles, no."

723
00:37:11,771 --> 00:37:13,648
"I hate muscles. They're disgusting."

724
00:37:13,731 --> 00:37:17,985
"Look at him, all working out
and everything's in shape and bulging."

725
00:37:18,069 --> 00:37:19,195
"No, it's disgusting."

726
00:37:19,278 --> 00:37:22,031
"What, six-packs?
No, I don't want a six-pack."

727
00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:24,825
"I don't like six-packs.
That's why I like you." Boop!

728
00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:32,583
That's what a national anthem is.

729
00:37:40,383 --> 00:37:42,301
You reassuring your country.

730
00:37:45,346 --> 00:37:48,224
The American anthem
is such an interesting one. You know?

731
00:37:48,307 --> 00:37:51,102
Everything that represents America
is the anthem.

732
00:37:51,185 --> 00:37:54,230
America has the most fun
anthem rules in the world.

733
00:37:54,313 --> 00:37:58,150
Only country in the world
where you're allowed to sing the anthem

734
00:37:58,234 --> 00:37:59,652
however you want.

735
00:38:00,778 --> 00:38:03,281
However you want.

736
00:38:03,364 --> 00:38:05,074
You can't do that anywhere else.

737
00:38:05,157 --> 00:38:07,827
Everywhere else,
the anthem is the way it is written.

738
00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:09,453
It's boring, and that's the point.

739
00:38:09,537 --> 00:38:10,788
You can't just change it.

740
00:38:10,871 --> 00:38:12,832
In America,
you can do whatever you please.

741
00:38:13,874 --> 00:38:15,334
I noticed it the first time.

742
00:38:15,418 --> 00:38:18,087
The first time I noticed it
was at a basketball game.

743
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:22,300
It was the New York Knicks
against the Toronto Raptors, right?

744
00:38:22,383 --> 00:38:24,969
And because the Raptors are from Canada,

745
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:30,683
they had to play two national anthems
before the game, which is rare.

746
00:38:31,684 --> 00:38:35,187
And so we're in the arena
and then the voice comes on.

747
00:38:35,271 --> 00:38:36,897
"Ladies and gentlemen,

748
00:38:36,981 --> 00:38:39,817
please stand
for the Canadian national anthem."

749
00:38:39,900 --> 00:38:41,319
And everybody stood,

750
00:38:42,236 --> 00:38:44,363
and then they just played,
like, a tape somewhere.

751
00:38:46,365 --> 00:38:47,283
[chuckles]

752
00:38:47,366 --> 00:38:49,035
You could tell they didn't care.

753
00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:53,164
And it was the song,
the Canadian song. It's always the same.

754
00:38:53,247 --> 00:38:55,833
<i>♪ O Canada... ♪</i>

755
00:38:55,916 --> 00:38:56,959
[humming gibberish]

756
00:39:01,255 --> 00:39:03,883
<i>♪ And something, something
Brings us back to... ♪</i>

757
00:39:03,966 --> 00:39:05,760
[singing "Do-Re-Mi"] <i>♪ Do-do-do-do... ♪</i>

758
00:39:05,843 --> 00:39:06,927
[chuckles]

759
00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:11,599
You know the song, man.
I don't have time for that. Whatever.

760
00:39:12,141 --> 00:39:13,809
They sang the Canadian anthem.

761
00:39:14,393 --> 00:39:15,393
They were done.

762
00:39:16,437 --> 00:39:17,646
The announcer came back,

763
00:39:17,730 --> 00:39:19,357
"And now, ladies and gentlemen,

764
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:22,234
please stay standing
for the American national anthem."

765
00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:24,445
And that's my favorite part.

766
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:27,365
Yeah, the lights will go dark.

767
00:39:29,158 --> 00:39:31,369
Someone walks to the middle of the arena.

768
00:39:32,078 --> 00:39:34,580
It's always so intense, complete silence.

769
00:39:47,593 --> 00:39:52,515
[slowly] <i>♪ O say ♪</i>

770
00:39:54,642 --> 00:40:01,607
<i>♪ Can you ♪</i>

771
00:40:11,325 --> 00:40:14,453
<i>♪ See ♪</i>

772
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:25,798
<i>♪ By the dawn's early light ♪</i>

773
00:40:25,881 --> 00:40:28,050
[vocalizing off-tune]

774
00:40:30,553 --> 00:40:32,012
[vocalizing droning]

775
00:40:48,821 --> 00:40:55,703
<i>♪ What so proudly we hail'd... ♪</i>

776
00:40:55,786 --> 00:40:58,914
Why are you trying to make
the anthem sexy? What are you doing?

777
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:00,833
I never understand that.

778
00:41:00,916 --> 00:41:03,836
Why are you trying to make it a sexy song?

779
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:12,219
You'll never be in England
and see someone like, "Remix!"

780
00:41:12,303 --> 00:41:13,596
<i>♪ God save
God save the Queen ♪</i>

781
00:41:13,679 --> 00:41:16,223
<i>♪ God save the Queen
I save the Queen with sexy sex ♪</i>

782
00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:17,975
<i>♪ Save the Queen
Let's save the Queen ♪</i>

783
00:41:18,058 --> 00:41:20,019
<i>♪ With sexy sex
Come on, save that Queen ♪</i>

784
00:41:27,151 --> 00:41:28,151
Oh, man.

785
00:41:37,453 --> 00:41:38,454
So, Germany was fun.

786
00:41:42,041 --> 00:41:47,046
And then we headed
to Paris, France, to do shows

787
00:41:47,671 --> 00:41:49,215
for the first time in my life,

788
00:41:49,298 --> 00:41:50,424
I was very excited.

789
00:41:50,508 --> 00:41:52,343
I always wanted to perform in Paris.

790
00:41:52,426 --> 00:41:54,845
Didn't know what it would be.
But can I tell you?

791
00:41:54,929 --> 00:41:57,848
Paris is everything they tell you it is.

792
00:41:57,932 --> 00:42:04,188
It is easily one of the most romantic
cities I have ever been to in my life.

793
00:42:04,271 --> 00:42:07,525
I fell in love 1,000 times.

794
00:42:08,275 --> 00:42:10,110
I was by myself. It didn't matter.

795
00:42:10,986 --> 00:42:11,904
Yeah.

796
00:42:11,987 --> 00:42:14,573
Every night, it was just me
and those bedbugs, baby.

797
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:26,669
I really enjoyed Paris
because I got to meet Parisians.

798
00:42:27,378 --> 00:42:28,379
In person.

799
00:42:28,462 --> 00:42:30,839
Not stereotypes,
not things you're told about.

800
00:42:30,923 --> 00:42:34,885
No, actually meet French people,
learn about them from them.

801
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:37,388
And I learned some truly amazing things.

802
00:42:37,471 --> 00:42:42,476
For instance, the French have
a very different relationship with work

803
00:42:43,185 --> 00:42:45,312
than the rest of us, all right?

804
00:42:45,396 --> 00:42:47,606
In that they don't give a shit about it.

805
00:42:52,152 --> 00:42:54,446
Which, honestly, I found inspiring.

806
00:42:54,530 --> 00:42:55,990
Yeah. I feel like a lot of us

807
00:42:56,073 --> 00:42:58,867
have become a little
too attached to our work, you know?

808
00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:00,411
We identify with our work.

809
00:43:00,494 --> 00:43:03,163
Ever asked somebody like,
"Tell me about yourself"?

810
00:43:03,247 --> 00:43:04,790
"I'm an architect..."

811
00:43:04,873 --> 00:43:07,418
"Tell me about yourself."
"I own a hair salon and..."

812
00:43:07,501 --> 00:43:09,628
"Tell me about yourself."
"I'm a teacher..."

813
00:43:09,712 --> 00:43:11,005
"Tell me about yourself,"

814
00:43:11,088 --> 00:43:13,299
and people will tell you
about what they do.

815
00:43:13,382 --> 00:43:17,052
You know, it's become the thing
that people focus on.

816
00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:19,305
The French don't do that. No.

817
00:43:19,388 --> 00:43:21,849
You'll never meet
a French person who does that.

818
00:43:21,932 --> 00:43:25,060
You go up to a French person and be like,
"Excuse me. What do you do?"

819
00:43:25,144 --> 00:43:29,231
Be like, [in French accent] "Oh, me?
I go for walks with my friends and, uh...

820
00:43:29,315 --> 00:43:32,484
I like to eat good food and..."

821
00:43:32,568 --> 00:43:35,404
[in normal voice] You're like, "No,
what do you do for a living?"

822
00:43:35,487 --> 00:43:37,197
"For a living? <i>Pardon."</i>

823
00:43:37,281 --> 00:43:38,407
"Okay, for a living."

824
00:43:38,490 --> 00:43:41,160
"Okay, no, I, uh, breathe and, uh..."

825
00:43:42,077 --> 00:43:44,413
"You know, I drink water
and, uh, you know..."

826
00:43:44,496 --> 00:43:47,041
"Of course,
I have to make love, you know."

827
00:43:50,878 --> 00:43:53,589
[in normal voice]
It's just a different way to be, man.

828
00:43:53,672 --> 00:43:56,675
You know, not being
so attached to your work. It was lovely.

829
00:43:56,759 --> 00:44:01,972
I learned this because
when I flew to Paris, my luggage was lost.

830
00:44:02,681 --> 00:44:03,974
All right? Yeah.

831
00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:08,479
Landed in the airport,
and bags were gone, didn't arrive.

832
00:44:08,562 --> 00:44:10,773
I discovered this at the carousel,

833
00:44:10,856 --> 00:44:13,400
which is a shitty thing
that airlines do to you.

834
00:44:14,318 --> 00:44:16,070
They know your bags are not coming.

835
00:44:18,322 --> 00:44:20,991
Yeah, they know where your bag is
every single moment.

836
00:44:21,784 --> 00:44:22,993
But they don't tell you.

837
00:44:23,077 --> 00:44:25,162
They'll let you stand there like an idiot

838
00:44:25,871 --> 00:44:27,081
with hope in your heart.

839
00:44:28,999 --> 00:44:32,127
They could come to your seat
before take-off and be like,

840
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:33,295
"It's not coming."

841
00:44:35,547 --> 00:44:37,091
"Spoiler alert."

842
00:44:38,634 --> 00:44:40,302
But they don't. [chuckles]

843
00:44:40,386 --> 00:44:43,472
They let you take off
with all that joy like an idiot.

844
00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:44,555
Whee!

845
00:44:45,557 --> 00:44:46,975
I landed in Paris.

846
00:44:47,059 --> 00:44:49,269
Thought it was
the beginning of a great trip.

847
00:44:49,353 --> 00:44:52,064
I was skipping around.
I had my full-luggage swag,

848
00:44:52,147 --> 00:44:53,774
"I'm going get my bags,

849
00:44:53,857 --> 00:44:55,692
go into Paris, start exploring."

850
00:44:55,776 --> 00:44:57,236
Got to the carousel. I was like,

851
00:44:57,319 --> 00:44:59,196
"Mmm-mmm, full luggage swag."

852
00:44:59,279 --> 00:45:01,782
"That's right.
Let me get my luggage, everybody."

853
00:45:01,865 --> 00:45:03,617
I was like, "Excuse me."

854
00:45:03,742 --> 00:45:04,827
"Make space, please."

855
00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:06,912
"I would like to lean over the carousel."

856
00:45:06,995 --> 00:45:08,372
"Makes the bags come quicker."

857
00:45:08,455 --> 00:45:09,998
"Come on, lucky bag."

858
00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:16,839
I had full luggage swag.

859
00:45:16,922 --> 00:45:20,008
Bags started coming out
and I was standing there, judging them.

860
00:45:20,092 --> 00:45:22,219
"Ha-ha! Who still uses Samsonite?"

861
00:45:22,302 --> 00:45:23,595
[laughs]

862
00:45:24,179 --> 00:45:25,806
"Ah! Where's my bag?"

863
00:45:25,889 --> 00:45:27,975
Bags going around, going around,

864
00:45:28,058 --> 00:45:30,060
and then new bags stopped coming out.

865
00:45:30,144 --> 00:45:31,395
I started worrying.

866
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,606
Then there were fewer and fewer bags.

867
00:45:35,149 --> 00:45:36,400
And I was like, "Oh, my bag..."

868
00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:38,485
"My bag's not coming."

869
00:45:39,862 --> 00:45:43,157
And I realized my bag hadn't arrived.

870
00:45:44,616 --> 00:45:46,994
It was terrible. I had the same feeling,

871
00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:48,829
the same feeling I had as a child

872
00:45:49,496 --> 00:45:51,498
when my mom would forget me at school.

873
00:45:52,875 --> 00:45:53,917
Exactly the same.

874
00:45:54,001 --> 00:45:57,379
Standing at the carousel, felt like
I was ten years old again, like...

875
00:45:57,463 --> 00:45:59,631
[exaggeratedly imitates a child crying]

876
00:46:01,967 --> 00:46:05,721
[sobbing] "No, Mr. Wilkinson,
it's fine, you can go."

877
00:46:05,804 --> 00:46:08,515
"My mom's going to come.
Don't worry, you can go home."

878
00:46:08,599 --> 00:46:11,518
"She's coming. She wouldn't forget me."

879
00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:13,145
"No... She's..."

880
00:46:13,228 --> 00:46:15,772
"She's probably dead somewhere right now."

881
00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:19,151
"She's probably in a ditch lying dead."

882
00:46:22,237 --> 00:46:24,031
[in normal voice] She forgot me.

883
00:46:25,032 --> 00:46:26,825
She'd forget me occasionally.

884
00:46:26,909 --> 00:46:28,619
And then I'd have to walk home.

885
00:46:28,702 --> 00:46:29,995
It was like an hour walk.

886
00:46:30,579 --> 00:46:32,456
[laughs] And I'd get home,

887
00:46:32,539 --> 00:46:34,958
and she'd always have
the same reaction when I walked in,

888
00:46:35,042 --> 00:46:36,460
'cause she worked from home.

889
00:46:36,543 --> 00:46:39,171
She'd have a little computer
where she'd be typing away,

890
00:46:39,254 --> 00:46:41,840
and I'd walk into the house
and I'll close the door like...

891
00:46:41,924 --> 00:46:44,343
Always the same reaction, she'll be like...
[gasps]

892
00:46:45,511 --> 00:46:48,972
"No, no, no, no, no, baby, no!
No, no, no, no! Oh!"

893
00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:50,098
"What time is it?"

894
00:46:50,182 --> 00:46:52,809
And I'll be like, "It's too late."

895
00:46:58,273 --> 00:47:01,527
I'm not going to lie.
I hated being forgotten at school,

896
00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:03,320
but I savored those moments.

897
00:47:04,071 --> 00:47:07,866
'Cause it wasn't any sweat,
to be honest. I liked walking.

898
00:47:07,950 --> 00:47:10,369
It's not like I was stressed on the walk.

899
00:47:11,036 --> 00:47:13,413
I'd be kicking stones,
singing on the way back.

900
00:47:13,497 --> 00:47:16,750
I'd get to the house
and be like, "No, wait a minute. Hmm."

901
00:47:18,544 --> 00:47:20,254
I loved it 'cause that was the one moment

902
00:47:20,337 --> 00:47:23,757
when I was allowed to give my mom
unlimited attitude with no repercussions.

903
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:24,967
None.

904
00:47:25,050 --> 00:47:26,301
'Cause when I was a kid,

905
00:47:26,385 --> 00:47:28,679
you couldn't give attitude
to your parents.

906
00:47:28,762 --> 00:47:31,807
I wasn't a white child.
You know what I mean? You couldn't...

907
00:47:31,890 --> 00:47:33,100
I had to watch myself.

908
00:47:34,351 --> 00:47:36,353
But when she messed up, ooh, I loved it.

909
00:47:36,436 --> 00:47:38,146
She'd be like, "Can you forgive me, baby?"

910
00:47:38,230 --> 00:47:40,065
I'll be like, "I'll think about it."

911
00:47:44,778 --> 00:47:47,155
Now I had to find somebody to help me.

912
00:47:47,739 --> 00:47:48,949
I look around,

913
00:47:49,032 --> 00:47:51,827
there's an older
French gentleman standing on the side,

914
00:47:51,910 --> 00:47:53,745
gray hair, rosy cheeks,

915
00:47:53,829 --> 00:47:55,455
short little guy with glasses.

916
00:47:55,539 --> 00:47:57,040
So I walked over to him.

917
00:47:57,124 --> 00:47:58,667
And he was wearing a red vest.

918
00:47:59,209 --> 00:48:01,837
And in French, it read <i>"Information,"</i>

919
00:48:02,504 --> 00:48:04,047
and then underneath in English

920
00:48:04,131 --> 00:48:05,340
said, "Information."

921
00:48:06,758 --> 00:48:08,051
I was like, "Phew!"

922
00:48:10,721 --> 00:48:13,140
"Ah. <i>Bonjour.</i> Hello. Hi."

923
00:48:13,223 --> 00:48:15,434
He's like, "Hello. <i>Bonjour."</i>

924
00:48:15,517 --> 00:48:17,477
I said, "English, French?"

925
00:48:17,561 --> 00:48:19,062
Said, "English, yeah, <i>oui."</i>

926
00:48:19,146 --> 00:48:21,231
I said, "Could you help me, please?"

927
00:48:21,315 --> 00:48:23,942
"Um... My, um...
My luggage didn't arrive."

928
00:48:24,026 --> 00:48:26,778
"Um, I would like to know,
what do I need to do?"

929
00:48:26,862 --> 00:48:29,698
He's like, "There's your luggage...
It didn't come..."

930
00:48:29,781 --> 00:48:32,159
[incoherent English in French accent]

931
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,141
[in normal voice] I was like, "Okay." Um...

932
00:48:56,224 --> 00:48:57,224
"All right."

933
00:48:58,101 --> 00:48:59,353
"Let's try French."

934
00:49:01,688 --> 00:49:03,982
"Let's, uh, see what happens."

935
00:49:06,151 --> 00:49:08,111
Finally, we figured it out.

936
00:49:08,904 --> 00:49:12,491
He sent me off to a special area
where you go and make a report.

937
00:49:13,075 --> 00:49:16,370
There's another French guy
behind the counter, much younger.

938
00:49:16,453 --> 00:49:18,872
He was maybe Algerian
or Moroccan of descent.

939
00:49:18,955 --> 00:49:20,791
Very French, very French. Cool guy.

940
00:49:20,874 --> 00:49:22,000
He's helping somebody.

941
00:49:22,084 --> 00:49:24,044
"Okay, thank you very much. Next, please."

942
00:49:24,127 --> 00:49:25,253
I walk up, "Hey, man."

943
00:49:25,337 --> 00:49:27,339
He's like,
"What's going on, my brother?"

944
00:49:27,422 --> 00:49:29,257
"How are you? What's up with you?"

945
00:49:29,341 --> 00:49:31,301
I was like, "I need your help, please."

946
00:49:31,385 --> 00:49:35,263
"My luggage, um, it didn't come.
It's, uh, lost."

947
00:49:35,347 --> 00:49:38,350
He's like, "Oh, no, dude,
your luggage didn't come."

948
00:49:38,433 --> 00:49:39,768
"Oh, man."

949
00:49:39,851 --> 00:49:40,977
"Did you look for it?"

950
00:49:44,523 --> 00:49:47,067
I said, "What?
Yeah, that's the first thing I did."

951
00:49:47,150 --> 00:49:48,860
"You think I'm here for company?"

952
00:49:48,944 --> 00:49:50,112
"Of course, that's..."

953
00:49:50,195 --> 00:49:51,780
He's like, "No. Just checking."

954
00:49:51,863 --> 00:49:53,824
"So, the bag is gone? It's totally..."

955
00:49:53,907 --> 00:49:54,783
I'm like, "Yeah."

956
00:49:54,866 --> 00:49:58,328
He's like, "Oh, man, that sucks, man,
I'm so sorry for you, man."

957
00:49:58,412 --> 00:49:59,538
"That's terrible."

958
00:50:00,122 --> 00:50:02,082
"Yeah. So, what do you want to do now?"

959
00:50:04,751 --> 00:50:06,002
"What do I want to do?"

960
00:50:06,628 --> 00:50:10,799
I said, "I would like
you to do something."

961
00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:12,968
"Can we make a report or something?"

962
00:50:13,051 --> 00:50:15,637
"You want to make
some paperwork or something?"

963
00:50:15,721 --> 00:50:18,932
"It's for your for your insurance
so they can pay you for it?"

964
00:50:19,015 --> 00:50:22,310
I said, "No, it's so that
you can find it and bring it to me."

965
00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:24,438
He's like, "Oh, don't worry, man."

966
00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:26,022
"We are not going to find it."

967
00:50:26,106 --> 00:50:27,106
"No, man."

968
00:50:27,733 --> 00:50:29,067
"Don't worry about that."

969
00:50:29,151 --> 00:50:30,861
"No. You know, it's Paris, man."

970
00:50:30,944 --> 00:50:33,530
"When the bags are gone,
they're probably gone."

971
00:50:33,613 --> 00:50:36,366
"They don't ever pop up.
Sometimes, if you're lucky."

972
00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:38,952
"But if it is not here by now,
it's probably gone."

973
00:50:39,035 --> 00:50:41,288
"It's Friday.
There are some strikes. Just..."

974
00:50:41,371 --> 00:50:44,291
"You can leave. Don't stress yourself.
You can go."

975
00:50:45,250 --> 00:50:46,877
It's like, "Don't even stress..."

976
00:50:46,960 --> 00:50:48,253
"Yo, It's my luggage."

977
00:50:48,879 --> 00:50:50,130
"That's all my clothes."

978
00:50:50,213 --> 00:50:52,090
He's like, "But you are in Paris."

979
00:50:52,174 --> 00:50:54,468
"You need clothes? This is Paris, man."

980
00:50:54,551 --> 00:50:56,678
"Come on, Paris, go and buy some clothes."

981
00:50:56,762 --> 00:50:58,764
"What's wrong with you, man? Chill."

982
00:50:59,347 --> 00:51:00,682
He was so confident,

983
00:51:01,558 --> 00:51:03,477
he made me feel like I was wrong.

984
00:51:04,811 --> 00:51:05,979
Like, I doubted myself.

985
00:51:06,062 --> 00:51:08,732
I walked away and I was like,
"Am I wrong?"

986
00:51:09,649 --> 00:51:11,443
"Am I too attached to my luggage?"

987
00:51:14,988 --> 00:51:17,824
He wasn't lying.
Paris has a great selection of clothing.

988
00:51:17,908 --> 00:51:19,451
I had to go and buy clothes

989
00:51:19,534 --> 00:51:21,703
because I had nothing
for my shows, for anything.

990
00:51:21,787 --> 00:51:24,623
And if you ever do go to Paris,
take some extra money

991
00:51:24,706 --> 00:51:26,917
for the clothes shopping. It's amazing.

992
00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:29,044
And try and also pack

993
00:51:29,127 --> 00:51:30,921
an extra pair of self-esteem.

994
00:51:32,714 --> 00:51:35,258
Yeah, you'll need it
when you shop with the French.

995
00:51:35,967 --> 00:51:38,094
'Cause they're not your friends.

996
00:51:38,178 --> 00:51:39,721
Yeah. I've never been to a country

997
00:51:39,805 --> 00:51:42,432
where you are truly on your own
when you're shopping.

998
00:51:42,516 --> 00:51:45,727
You walk into a store,
nobody helps you. Nothing.

999
00:51:45,811 --> 00:51:48,438
You don't know who works there,
who's doing anything.

1000
00:51:48,522 --> 00:51:50,690
Literally, it's like <i>Undercover Employee.</i>

1001
00:51:51,483 --> 00:51:53,360
Just walking around. [chuckles]

1002
00:51:53,443 --> 00:51:55,320
It was 20 minutes, nobody helped me.

1003
00:51:55,403 --> 00:51:57,197
Finally I started picking my own clothes,

1004
00:51:57,280 --> 00:52:00,450
and I heard an annoyed voice behind me.
"Can I help you?"

1005
00:52:01,034 --> 00:52:03,745
I was like, "Hi. Yes.
I need to get clothes, please."

1006
00:52:03,829 --> 00:52:05,163
"My luggage was lost."

1007
00:52:05,247 --> 00:52:07,123
And then, Detroit, I got roasted

1008
00:52:08,542 --> 00:52:11,419
more than I've ever
been roasted in my life. Ever.

1009
00:52:12,003 --> 00:52:14,756
Ever. Everything I chose

1010
00:52:15,465 --> 00:52:16,925
came with a scathing review.

1011
00:52:18,593 --> 00:52:21,721
I was like, "Yeah,
could I please, um, get this in a medium?"

1012
00:52:21,805 --> 00:52:25,100
He was like, "Medium?
No, you mean large or extra-large, no?"

1013
00:52:26,685 --> 00:52:28,937
"Yeah, no,
this one is medium for your body?"

1014
00:52:29,020 --> 00:52:30,313
"I don't think so, no?"

1015
00:52:31,273 --> 00:52:32,774
I was like, "I'm sorry, what?"

1016
00:52:32,858 --> 00:52:35,986
He's like, "I think you're a large.
I can bring that one for you."

1017
00:52:36,069 --> 00:52:38,196
"Medium is too much for the shirt, okay?"

1018
00:52:39,447 --> 00:52:41,032
[chuckling] I'm like, "What?"

1019
00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:42,659
Yo, everything, everything.

1020
00:52:43,243 --> 00:52:45,036
There was a jacket I wanted to buy.

1021
00:52:45,120 --> 00:52:46,246
"Could I get this?"

1022
00:52:46,329 --> 00:52:49,207
He's like, "No, this one
for your skin tone is not great."

1023
00:52:49,291 --> 00:52:52,878
"No, You have to think about
what is complementary for the colors

1024
00:52:52,961 --> 00:52:54,170
inside the fabric

1025
00:52:54,254 --> 00:52:56,089
and also inside your face, okay?"

1026
00:52:56,673 --> 00:52:58,550
"This one is not the best."

1027
00:52:58,633 --> 00:53:01,636
I was like, "Yo,
I already own something like this."

1028
00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:03,722
He's like, "Ah, and you're wearing it?"

1029
00:53:06,766 --> 00:53:07,851
"Well, not anymore."

1030
00:53:09,311 --> 00:53:11,104
"No, you can wear it if you want."

1031
00:53:11,187 --> 00:53:12,689
<i>"C'est tranquille.</i> Go ahead."

1032
00:53:12,772 --> 00:53:14,566
"No, you threatened me now."

1033
00:53:17,611 --> 00:53:20,030
You know what? It's just different.

1034
00:53:20,739 --> 00:53:23,992
A friend said to me,
"Dude, the French are assholes, right?"

1035
00:53:24,075 --> 00:53:26,244
I was like,
"I don't think that they're assholes."

1036
00:53:26,328 --> 00:53:28,455
"I think they're just very honest."

1037
00:53:28,997 --> 00:53:29,831
All right?

1038
00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:32,334
It's hard to tell
the difference between the two.

1039
00:53:34,002 --> 00:53:38,632
'Cause one day
I was speaking to a French woman

1040
00:53:38,715 --> 00:53:41,718
and I worked up the courage to ask her,

1041
00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:43,720
I said, "Hey, um..."

1042
00:53:45,055 --> 00:53:47,015
"Why are the French...

1043
00:53:47,974 --> 00:53:49,100
like this?"

1044
00:53:51,478 --> 00:53:53,146
And she said, "What do you mean?"

1045
00:53:53,229 --> 00:53:54,564
I said, "When you're in a store,

1046
00:53:54,648 --> 00:53:55,774
they seem very mean."

1047
00:53:55,857 --> 00:53:59,277
"No, they're not being mean.
They're just being themselves, no?"

1048
00:53:59,361 --> 00:54:03,239
"Maybe because you are used to
coming in a country where people,

1049
00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:05,992
they are so afraid
that you're not going to tip them,

1050
00:54:06,076 --> 00:54:07,827
that they are all on top of you."

1051
00:54:07,911 --> 00:54:09,412
"'Can I help you? Can I help you?'"

1052
00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:12,749
"But in France, we make sure
that everybody is getting a good salary."

1053
00:54:12,832 --> 00:54:13,708
"A good wage."

1054
00:54:13,792 --> 00:54:16,294
"So we are not,
you know, so stressed about that."

1055
00:54:16,378 --> 00:54:18,797
"In America, it's like,
'The customer is king.'"

1056
00:54:18,880 --> 00:54:21,132
"But in France,
you know what we do to kings."

1057
00:54:21,216 --> 00:54:22,216
"So, you know..."

1058
00:54:23,301 --> 00:54:24,552
"It's not the same here."

1059
00:54:30,892 --> 00:54:32,560
The French don't play that game.

1060
00:54:34,229 --> 00:54:36,272
You've been
so much fun tonight, Detroit.

1061
00:54:36,356 --> 00:54:37,482
Thank you.

1062
00:54:37,565 --> 00:54:39,025
[audience cheering]

1063
00:54:41,444 --> 00:54:42,487
Thank you so much.

1064
00:54:44,155 --> 00:54:45,490
Proved me right.

1065
00:54:45,573 --> 00:54:47,784
This is why you go to Detroit.

1066
00:54:47,867 --> 00:54:49,911
For real. It's an amazing audience.

1067
00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:53,665
Beautiful, diverse.

1068
00:54:56,584 --> 00:54:58,086
And the city's been cool, too.

1069
00:54:58,169 --> 00:55:00,422
We've been seeing
a few things here and there.

1070
00:55:00,505 --> 00:55:02,799
I had a fight with my friend Dave.

1071
00:55:02,882 --> 00:55:04,884
He directs these specials

1072
00:55:05,552 --> 00:55:07,345
and he said to me one day,

1073
00:55:07,429 --> 00:55:09,597
"Yo, what are you doing during the day?"

1074
00:55:09,681 --> 00:55:11,725
And I was, "Might go eat, do something."

1075
00:55:11,808 --> 00:55:15,228
He's like, "Dude, why don't we go
check out all the museums in Detroit?"

1076
00:55:15,311 --> 00:55:16,980
I was like, "Maybe like one."

1077
00:55:18,565 --> 00:55:19,941
He said, "What do you mean, one?"

1078
00:55:20,025 --> 00:55:22,193
I was like, "Yeah, not all.
What do you mean, all?"

1079
00:55:22,277 --> 00:55:24,738
He's like, "Dude,
have you been here before?"

1080
00:55:24,821 --> 00:55:26,990
"You know how many
amazing museums they got?"

1081
00:55:27,073 --> 00:55:29,117
"Yes, but it's still a museum."

1082
00:55:29,200 --> 00:55:30,994
"I'll do like one, and that's it."

1083
00:55:32,704 --> 00:55:35,749
"I don't have that much stamina.
I can't do as many as you."

1084
00:55:35,832 --> 00:55:38,668
"What do you mean
you can't do as many as me?"

1085
00:55:38,752 --> 00:55:41,629
"Dude, because you're white,
like, you enjoy doing that."

1086
00:55:43,006 --> 00:55:45,258
And I was just joking.
I was just teasing him.

1087
00:55:45,341 --> 00:55:46,342
Just teasing him.

1088
00:55:46,426 --> 00:55:48,887
He got so offended so quickly, right?
[laughs]

1089
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:51,306
He's like, "What did you say?"

1090
00:55:52,891 --> 00:55:53,892
"Because you're..."

1091
00:55:53,975 --> 00:55:56,561
He's like, "Dude,
white people don't love museums."

1092
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:58,730
"What are you even talking about?"

1093
00:55:58,813 --> 00:56:03,610
"Like, museums aren't even in the top
five things white people love, okay?"

1094
00:56:04,944 --> 00:56:07,489
He said it with such confidence.

1095
00:56:08,406 --> 00:56:10,283
and with such conviction,

1096
00:56:10,366 --> 00:56:12,202
I was like, "What is the top five?"

1097
00:56:13,369 --> 00:56:16,206
'Cause what a strange...
"That's not even in the top five."

1098
00:56:16,289 --> 00:56:19,125
Like, in his bedroom,
he has a list on the wall

1099
00:56:19,209 --> 00:56:20,710
of the top ten things.

1100
00:56:20,794 --> 00:56:22,128
[laughing] It was amazing.

1101
00:56:23,421 --> 00:56:25,590
I thought about it.
I was like, "No, it is."

1102
00:56:25,673 --> 00:56:27,092
"I stick with my decision."

1103
00:56:27,175 --> 00:56:28,051
Museums would be.

1104
00:56:28,134 --> 00:56:29,803
'Cause, no, it's not even a bad thing.

1105
00:56:29,886 --> 00:56:31,221
White people love museums.

1106
00:56:32,013 --> 00:56:33,681
A lot of people enjoy museums,

1107
00:56:33,765 --> 00:56:37,560
but white people love museums.

1108
00:56:37,644 --> 00:56:38,853
Love museums.

1109
00:56:38,937 --> 00:56:40,688
There's not a single place on Earth

1110
00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:43,108
where white people have settled
and not built a museum.

1111
00:56:43,191 --> 00:56:45,735
It doesn't matter.
White people love museums.

1112
00:56:45,819 --> 00:56:47,737
You ever seen
white people in a museum?

1113
00:56:47,821 --> 00:56:50,698
Walking around smiling
with their hands behind their back?

1114
00:56:57,372 --> 00:56:58,915
"Yep, that was us."

1115
00:57:00,375 --> 00:57:01,709
"That was us, too."

1116
00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:04,462
"It's been a good run."

1117
00:57:06,047 --> 00:57:08,091
White people love museums.

1118
00:57:08,591 --> 00:57:11,594
I wouldn't put it at number one,
but it'd be in the top five.

1119
00:57:12,137 --> 00:57:13,137
I thought about it.

1120
00:57:13,179 --> 00:57:15,265
If there were
top five things white people love,

1121
00:57:15,348 --> 00:57:17,183
I'd put museums at number five.

1122
00:57:17,267 --> 00:57:20,353
At number four,
I'd put swimming. All right?

1123
00:57:20,436 --> 00:57:22,147
'Cause white people love swimming.

1124
00:57:22,230 --> 00:57:24,691
Nothing wrong with that.
Have you seen white people swim?

1125
00:57:24,774 --> 00:57:26,192
You look stunning.

1126
00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:27,569
Stunning.

1127
00:57:27,652 --> 00:57:30,071
When white people swim,
you do that thing with your hair.

1128
00:57:30,155 --> 00:57:31,515
You come out of the water, like...

1129
00:57:31,573 --> 00:57:33,324
[imitates whooshing]

1130
00:57:33,408 --> 00:57:35,326
Just go perfectly back like a duck.

1131
00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:39,247
I would love swimming, too.

1132
00:57:39,956 --> 00:57:41,541
White people love swimming.

1133
00:57:41,624 --> 00:57:44,002
White people love swimming so much,

1134
00:57:44,085 --> 00:57:46,337
that they made it
that you can win more medals

1135
00:57:46,421 --> 00:57:48,298
at the Olympics, swimming,

1136
00:57:48,381 --> 00:57:49,716
than any other discipline.

1137
00:57:51,217 --> 00:57:53,761
Yeah, that's how much
white people love swimming.

1138
00:57:54,262 --> 00:57:55,472
I realized this one day.

1139
00:57:55,555 --> 00:57:59,184
There was an argument going on about
who the greatest Olympian of all time is.

1140
00:57:59,267 --> 00:58:02,103
And the final two was Michael Phelps

1141
00:58:02,770 --> 00:58:03,938
and Usain Bolt.

1142
00:58:04,522 --> 00:58:06,149
And then one of the arguments was,

1143
00:58:06,232 --> 00:58:09,194
"Well, Michael Phelps is better
because he has more medals."

1144
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:11,488
And I was like,
"Yeah, because he cheated."

1145
00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:13,823
"He won them swimming."

1146
00:58:14,908 --> 00:58:16,701
I'm not saying
Michael Phelps is not great.

1147
00:58:16,784 --> 00:58:19,204
I'm saying you can't count
the medals in the argument.

1148
00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:21,498
Because in swimming
it's the only discipline

1149
00:58:21,581 --> 00:58:23,708
where you win more medals
for doing the same thing

1150
00:58:23,791 --> 00:58:26,127
in a slightly less efficient manner.

1151
00:58:27,378 --> 00:58:28,463
It makes no sense.

1152
00:58:29,797 --> 00:58:32,717
Think about it. It's like,
"100-meter freestyle."

1153
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:33,635
[imitates beep]

1154
00:58:33,718 --> 00:58:34,886
[panting]

1155
00:58:37,347 --> 00:58:38,389
Done. Gold medal.

1156
00:58:38,473 --> 00:58:39,974
Yeah. And now this.

1157
00:58:46,064 --> 00:58:47,190
Another medal. Yeah.

1158
00:58:47,273 --> 00:58:48,273
And this one?

1159
00:58:54,322 --> 00:58:56,491
Another medal. But what about this one?

1160
00:59:01,412 --> 00:59:02,247
Another medal.

1161
00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:04,916
That's some bullshit.
I don't care what anyone says.

1162
00:59:05,875 --> 00:59:07,919
You can't win more medals.

1163
00:59:10,838 --> 00:59:13,007
Usain Bolt doesn't have that luxury.

1164
00:59:13,841 --> 00:59:16,678
When Usain Bolt runs,
it's the 100-meter and it's done.

1165
00:59:16,761 --> 00:59:18,263
"On your marks, set..."

1166
00:59:18,346 --> 00:59:19,806
Run, run, run, run.

1167
00:59:19,889 --> 00:59:22,016
Get to the end, win, gold medal.

1168
00:59:22,100 --> 00:59:23,100
That's it.

1169
00:59:23,142 --> 00:59:24,477
He can't turn around like,

1170
00:59:24,561 --> 00:59:27,772
"Amazing race. And now
I'm going to do it butterfly style."

1171
00:59:35,446 --> 00:59:36,573
It's not a thing.

1172
00:59:38,408 --> 00:59:40,618
I mean, it should be, but it's not.

1173
00:59:44,914 --> 00:59:48,042
White people love swimming,
so they made up the rule. I get it.

1174
00:59:49,168 --> 00:59:51,004
It would have to be, yeah.

1175
00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:54,007
Of my top five things,
I'd go museums at number five,

1176
00:59:54,090 --> 00:59:55,800
swimming at number four.

1177
00:59:55,883 --> 00:59:57,093
Number three,

1178
00:59:57,176 --> 00:59:58,386
being flabbergasted.

1179
01:00:00,388 --> 01:00:03,016
White people love
being flabbergasted. Come on.

1180
01:00:03,099 --> 01:00:05,184
You know exactly what I'm talking about.

1181
01:00:05,768 --> 01:00:08,646
Have you ever seen
when a white person's having a bad day,

1182
01:00:08,730 --> 01:00:09,939
something's gone wrong,

1183
01:00:10,023 --> 01:00:12,984
they do that thing with their face,
get flabbergasted like...

1184
01:00:23,578 --> 01:00:25,496
White people love being flabbergasted.

1185
01:00:26,414 --> 01:00:28,541
You'll see it
in supermarkets all the time.

1186
01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:30,752
There's like a long line. All right?

1187
01:00:31,294 --> 01:00:33,421
But only one cashier is open.
[chuckles]

1188
01:00:34,297 --> 01:00:35,506
Everyone's standing patiently.

1189
01:00:35,590 --> 01:00:38,343
There's always
one white person who pops out like...

1190
01:00:42,764 --> 01:00:45,099
"Why don't they open the other..."

1191
01:00:45,183 --> 01:00:46,434
"Are you serious?"

1192
01:00:46,517 --> 01:00:48,603
"What are they... Are you..."

1193
01:00:49,896 --> 01:00:51,773
The only thing white people love more

1194
01:00:51,856 --> 01:00:54,150
is finding another
white person to flabbergast with.

1195
01:00:54,233 --> 01:00:55,233
Have you seen that?

1196
01:00:57,278 --> 01:00:59,405
Yo, whenever that happens, magic.

1197
01:00:59,489 --> 01:01:01,157
It is absolute magic.

1198
01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:03,534
A white person will be flabbergasting.

1199
01:01:03,618 --> 01:01:05,703
They'll make eye contact
with another white person,

1200
01:01:05,787 --> 01:01:07,705
and then they'll flabbergast together.

1201
01:01:07,789 --> 01:01:11,209
It's like they Voltron their
flabbergasting into a super flabbergast.

1202
01:01:11,292 --> 01:01:13,753
You see them look over. "You see this?"

1203
01:01:13,836 --> 01:01:14,836
"I know."

1204
01:01:18,549 --> 01:01:22,553
[sighing]

1205
01:01:22,637 --> 01:01:24,722
That's one of the keys to flabbergasting.

1206
01:01:24,806 --> 01:01:26,683
You have to exhale. Let it all out.

1207
01:01:26,766 --> 01:01:29,060
Life is so hard
that the air has to leave your body.

1208
01:01:29,143 --> 01:01:30,728
You can no longer even breathe.

1209
01:01:30,812 --> 01:01:33,106
[sighing heavily]

1210
01:01:33,856 --> 01:01:36,442
That's why there's
so many tornadoes in the Midwest.

1211
01:01:36,526 --> 01:01:38,444
It's just white people flabbergasting...

1212
01:01:38,528 --> 01:01:40,947
[sighing vigorously]

1213
01:01:47,161 --> 01:01:49,539
White people love being flabbergasted.

1214
01:01:50,665 --> 01:01:52,667
Has to be. Has to be top five.

1215
01:01:52,750 --> 01:01:55,211
That would be my list.
Top five things white people love.

1216
01:01:55,294 --> 01:01:56,796
I've got museums at number five.

1217
01:01:56,879 --> 01:01:59,173
All right, swimming at number four.

1218
01:01:59,257 --> 01:02:01,342
Being flabbergasted, number three.

1219
01:02:01,426 --> 01:02:02,969
Number two, being white.

1220
01:02:04,554 --> 01:02:06,514
It's a sweet gig. I don't blame you.

1221
01:02:07,765 --> 01:02:09,267
And then there's number one.

1222
01:02:09,350 --> 01:02:12,812
And look, this is my personal list.
I'm not dictating anything.

1223
01:02:12,895 --> 01:02:15,273
If you don't agree, make your own, right?

1224
01:02:15,356 --> 01:02:17,066
It's a personal preference.

1225
01:02:17,150 --> 01:02:18,609
But there is one thing,

1226
01:02:19,277 --> 01:02:20,445
and one thing alone,

1227
01:02:21,320 --> 01:02:25,950
that white people love
more than anything on this planet.

1228
01:02:28,161 --> 01:02:29,579
"Sweet Caroline."

1229
01:02:37,670 --> 01:02:39,422
Let me tell you something, Detroit.

1230
01:02:39,505 --> 01:02:42,967
There is nothing that brings more joy

1231
01:02:44,135 --> 01:02:45,845
to the soul of a white person

1232
01:02:46,846 --> 01:02:48,973
than the sounds of that Neil Diamond song.

1233
01:02:51,684 --> 01:02:53,519
I don't care where it is.

1234
01:02:53,603 --> 01:02:55,772
I've been on every continent,

1235
01:02:55,855 --> 01:02:57,023
in many countries.

1236
01:02:57,106 --> 01:02:59,150
When that song plays,

1237
01:02:59,233 --> 01:03:02,195
you see white people's eyes light up...

1238
01:03:04,947 --> 01:03:07,450
like sleeper agents
who've just been activated.

1239
01:03:11,329 --> 01:03:13,206
It happens every time, without fail.

1240
01:03:13,289 --> 01:03:15,333
Every single time.

1241
01:03:16,209 --> 01:03:18,878
It's not about music,
other songs will be playing.

1242
01:03:18,961 --> 01:03:21,756
They'll be at a cookout
or a baseball game,

1243
01:03:21,839 --> 01:03:23,466
a company event.

1244
01:03:23,549 --> 01:03:26,552
All the other songs are in the background.
They pay them no heed.

1245
01:03:26,636 --> 01:03:28,888
But when that song kicks in,

1246
01:03:28,971 --> 01:03:31,432
it taps into the very DNA of whiteness.

1247
01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:32,975
I don't know what it is.

1248
01:03:34,018 --> 01:03:35,937
But it interrupts everything else.

1249
01:03:36,020 --> 01:03:38,064
You'll see white people hanging out.

1250
01:03:38,147 --> 01:03:39,398
They'll be like, "Yeah,

1251
01:03:39,482 --> 01:03:41,317
business, mergers and acquisitions."

1252
01:03:41,400 --> 01:03:42,735
"It's one of those things."

1253
01:03:42,819 --> 01:03:44,445
"I know, we should circle back."

1254
01:03:44,529 --> 01:03:46,989
"Let's put a pin in it." [blabbering]

1255
01:03:48,825 --> 01:03:50,660
And that song comes in,

1256
01:03:50,743 --> 01:03:52,286
and every single time...

1257
01:03:52,370 --> 01:03:54,872
You think it won't happen.
It always creeps in.

1258
01:03:54,956 --> 01:03:57,375
It always seems like it won't happen.

1259
01:03:57,458 --> 01:03:59,335
But it's always the same, just like...

1260
01:03:59,418 --> 01:04:04,841
<i>♪ Hands, touchin' hands ♪</i>

1261
01:04:05,591 --> 01:04:10,137
<i>♪ Reachin' out, touchin' me ♪</i>

1262
01:04:10,221 --> 01:04:13,891
<i>♪ Touchin' you
Pum, pum, pum ♪</i>

1263
01:04:13,975 --> 01:04:16,602
<i>♪ Sweet Caroline ♪</i>

1264
01:04:16,686 --> 01:04:18,479
[audience humming the tune]

1265
01:04:18,563 --> 01:04:20,439
See, I didn't tell you to join in.

1266
01:04:25,736 --> 01:04:27,613
I didn't say, "All together now."

1267
01:04:28,489 --> 01:04:29,991
Or, "On the count of three."

1268
01:04:30,074 --> 01:04:32,076
That was just your whiteness coming out.

1269
01:04:32,159 --> 01:04:33,244
Did you feel that?

1270
01:04:34,203 --> 01:04:35,037
Huh?

1271
01:04:35,121 --> 01:04:37,707
That was just you.
You were like, "This is it!"

1272
01:04:37,790 --> 01:04:39,625
"This is our moment!"

1273
01:04:39,709 --> 01:04:40,960
<i>♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪</i>

1274
01:04:41,043 --> 01:04:44,046
<i>♪ I'm white, white, white, white ♪</i>

1275
01:04:44,130 --> 01:04:45,464
<i>♪ White, white ♪</i>

1276
01:04:48,509 --> 01:04:51,637
Look at you right now.
You're beaming! Look at your face.

1277
01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:53,598
Look at you. Look at that joy.

1278
01:04:53,681 --> 01:04:56,017
Ten minutes ago,
"I don't know about this guy."

1279
01:04:56,100 --> 01:04:58,269
Now you're like, "Best comedian ever!"

1280
01:05:00,438 --> 01:05:01,939
Don't ever lose that joy.

1281
01:05:02,690 --> 01:05:03,983
None of you white people.

1282
01:05:04,066 --> 01:05:06,319
You hold on to it. It is a treasure.

1283
01:05:06,402 --> 01:05:08,821
It is the most
adorable thing in the world.

1284
01:05:09,864 --> 01:05:12,867
Nothing makes white people
happier than that song. Nothing.

1285
01:05:12,950 --> 01:05:15,703
That song is pure, uncut Caucasian joy.

1286
01:05:15,786 --> 01:05:17,413
That's what that song is.

1287
01:05:19,165 --> 01:05:20,875
White people cannot resist it.

1288
01:05:21,959 --> 01:05:23,711
Yeah, forget 23andMe.

1289
01:05:23,794 --> 01:05:26,380
If you want to know
how much white you have in you,

1290
01:05:26,464 --> 01:05:27,632
play that song.

1291
01:05:27,715 --> 01:05:29,884
The louder you respond,
the whiter you are.

1292
01:05:30,426 --> 01:05:31,844
I just saved you some money.

1293
01:05:33,346 --> 01:05:35,473
There's no white person I've seen...

1294
01:05:35,556 --> 01:05:38,267
It is the Marco to your Polo.
That's what that song is.

1295
01:05:39,143 --> 01:05:40,061
I'll tell you,

1296
01:05:40,144 --> 01:05:43,147
if there was ever, like,
a giant earthquake, God forbid,

1297
01:05:43,230 --> 01:05:45,399
and people were
trapped beneath the rubble,

1298
01:05:47,151 --> 01:05:49,320
I'd volunteer to find
all the white people.

1299
01:05:50,529 --> 01:05:52,740
I'll be like,
"You guys find everybody else."

1300
01:05:52,823 --> 01:05:54,283
"I got this. I got this!"

1301
01:05:56,118 --> 01:05:58,996
<i>♪ "Sweet Caroline" ♪</i>

1302
01:05:59,080 --> 01:06:00,498
"I found another one!"

1303
01:06:02,333 --> 01:06:03,333
"You okay, man?"

1304
01:06:03,376 --> 01:06:05,378
[coughs to the beat of "Sweet Caroline"]

1305
01:06:08,047 --> 01:06:09,799
Right now some of you are like,

1306
01:06:09,882 --> 01:06:13,219
"Trevor, we like that song,
but it's not the most important to us."

1307
01:06:13,302 --> 01:06:16,013
Yeah? Then how come
you didn't help me sing the anthem?

1308
01:06:17,848 --> 01:06:19,433
Detroit, you have been amazing.

1309
01:06:19,517 --> 01:06:20,685
Thank you so much.

1310
01:06:23,604 --> 01:06:25,856
I had such a great time with all of you.

1311
01:06:26,440 --> 01:06:27,733
I appreciate you.

1312
01:06:28,567 --> 01:06:29,860
Good night.

1313
01:06:33,155 --> 01:06:35,574
["Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond playing]

1314
01:06:47,503 --> 01:06:50,214
<i>♪ Where it began ♪</i>

1315
01:06:51,215 --> 01:06:53,968
<i>♪ I can't begin to know when ♪</i>

1316
01:06:54,969 --> 01:06:58,973
<i>♪ But then I know it's growing strong ♪</i>

1317
01:07:02,727 --> 01:07:04,437
<i>♪ Was in the spring... ♪</i>

1318
01:07:05,646 --> 01:07:06,647
[music stops]

1319
01:07:07,732 --> 01:07:10,901
- [sighs in relief]
- [man] How'd we do?

1320
01:07:10,985 --> 01:07:12,445
It works every time, Neil Diamond.

1321
01:07:12,528 --> 01:07:13,821
[chuckling] All right.

1322
01:07:13,904 --> 01:07:15,031
It works every time.

1323
01:07:15,114 --> 01:07:16,407
[chuckles]

1324
01:07:17,616 --> 01:07:22,204
<i>♪ Sweet Caroline
Pum, pum, pum ♪</i>

1325
01:07:22,288 --> 01:07:26,000
<i>♪ Good times never seemed so good ♪</i>

1326
01:07:28,586 --> 01:07:31,964
<i>♪ I've been inclined ♪</i>

1327
01:07:33,674 --> 01:07:37,178
<i>♪ To believe they never would ♪</i>

1328
01:07:37,261 --> 01:07:42,683
<i>♪ But now I look at the night ♪</i>

1329
01:07:45,061 --> 01:07:47,730
<i>♪ And it don't seem so lonely ♪</i>

1330
01:07:48,773 --> 01:07:52,777
<i>♪ We fill it up with only two ♪</i>

1331
01:07:56,322 --> 01:07:58,199
<i>♪ And when I hurt ♪</i>

1332
01:08:00,076 --> 01:08:03,245
<i>♪ Hurtin' runs off my shoulders... ♪</i>

1333
01:08:04,038 --> 01:08:05,247
Thank you so much.

1334
01:08:05,331 --> 01:08:07,291
That was fantastic. Thank you so much.

1335
01:08:10,461 --> 01:08:13,297
<i>♪ Sweet Caroline... ♪</i>