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[lively music playing]
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[announcer] Detroit, give it up...
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for Trevor Noah!
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{\an8}[audience cheering]
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What's going on, Detroit?
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Oh! How you doing tonight, everybody?
How you doing?
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Welcome to the show.
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Thank you so much for coming out.
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Look at this.
What a night. What a feeling.
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Here we are. Detroit, Michigan.
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We made it.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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I've really been enjoying it.
I'm enjoying everywhere, honestly.
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I'm having more fun in my life now
than I think I've ever had.
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I'm enjoying America more now
than I've ever, ever enjoyed it.
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Every day.
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I don't even know what it is.
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I think it's...
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You enjoy a place differently
when it might be ending, you know?
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It just has a...
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It has a different feeling to it, like...
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"Mmm, what is that taste?"
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"The final season? Mmm-mmm-mmm"
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'Cause you never know with America.
You really never know.
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Every day is the best day,
and possibly the last day.
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I'm having an amazing time, I truly am.
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This year was such a blessing, because...
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I got to travel around the world,
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doing shows in places
I had never performed before.
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Places I've always wanted to do comedy,
I've always wanted to try it out.
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I did shows in Berlin, Germany,
for the first time ever.
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That was really amazing.
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I won't lie, people freaked me out
before I went there.
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Similar to Detroit, where people are like,
"Oh, watch out, Detroit."
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People were like that
with Germany as well.
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Like, when I was going to Berlin,
people were like, "Dude, Germany?"
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"Do they even laugh?"
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I'm like, "What do you mean?
They're human beings."
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"I don't know, man. Do they laugh?"
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People got to me.
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At a point
when I was heading to Germany,
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I was like, maybe Germans just sit
in the audience, like,
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[in German accent]
"Uh-huh. Ja, ja, uh-huh."
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"That was a comedy show."
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[normally] But they don't. They laugh.
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They're actually great audiences.
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I had an amazing time in Berlin.
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It's a city that sneaks up on you,
because it's...
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It's so culturally diverse. You know?
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It has a burgeoning art scene.
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Fantastic music.
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The history...
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The history in Berlin
is truly deep and rich.
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I love traveling and seeing places
whenever I'm in certain cities
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and in Berlin,
I went out with a tour group
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and I had a great time.
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But I wish someone had warned me
how painful a lot of Berlin's history is.
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'Cause that was basically
the headquarters of the Nazi Party.
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So everything ties back to Hitler.
I didn't know this.
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I thought we're going
on a cute little tour.
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I ask a lot of questions.
I'm curious.
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This brought the mood down.
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We're out and about.
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The tour guide was doing his schtick.
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He was happy as well.
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[in German accent]
"Here, behind me, you can see,
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this is one of the largest airports
that was ever built in the world."
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"Ja, it is a world famous airport
here in Berlin,
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and it is so large
that we were able..."
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"They filmed the Hollywood movie
The Hunger Games inside this airport."
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"Ja, any questions?"
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[normally] I said,
"Yeah. Wow. How old is this thing?"
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[in German accent]
"This is almost 100 years old."
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[normally] And I'm like,
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"Damn! Who built it?"
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[in German accent] "Yeah. That is
the unfortunate part of the...
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of the story here."
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"This airport was built by, uh, Hitler."
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[in normal voice]
I could see I'd messed things up.
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I tried to bring the mood up.
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I was like, "Which Hitler?"
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He says,
[in German accent] "Which Hitler?"
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"Which other Hitler is there?"
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I was like, "Could be Henry Hitler."
"Henry Hitler?"
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"Who the hell is Henry Hitler?"
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I was like, "You don't know Henry Hitler?"
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It didn't work.
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Like, "Yo, man."
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It was tense, but it was good.
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And what I mean by good...
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It was nice to be in a place
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where people don't bury their history.
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What I mean by that...
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[audience applauding]
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What I mean by that is that
when you travel through Germany,
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even if you don't go to museums,
you cannot escape the past
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of both Berlin and what Germany did.
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There are monuments
scattered throughout the city.
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Prominent monuments.
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They are memorializing what Germany did
to millions of Jewish people
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and other people around the world.
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You see it, you understand it,
they talk about it.
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They teach their kids about it.
They teach children in school.
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They're like,
"Hey, this is what Germany did."
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They make sure they know.
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But they don't make them
feel guilty about it.
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Which is an amazing balance
for them to strike.
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They'll say to the kids, they're like,
"Hey, kids. I hope you understand."
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"Germany did this."
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"You're not responsible
because you weren't there."
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"However, because you're
the future of Germany,
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it's your responsibility
to make sure this doesn't happen again."
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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You know, what I loved
about being in Germany
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when they were talking about their history
is how forthright they are about it.
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They know it's painful.
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They know that it's a terrible blight
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on who they are,
but they don't hide from it.
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When I saw them doing this, I went,
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"Man, I wish
America did this with history." You know?
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'Cause you...
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You ever see how awkward it is,
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speaking about history in America?
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It gets tense.
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Doesn't matter what history it is.
It gets tense.
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Columbus Day is one of those days.
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Every year in New York, there's a fight.
Here in Detroit, there was a fight.
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There was a bust of Christopher Columbus,
was around for 110 years.
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At a point, half of Detroit was like,
"We need to get rid of it."
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The other half said, "Don't get rid
of it." It was a huge fight.
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New York, same thing, every year.
Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples' Day.
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Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples' Day.
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There was an interview
on the news I saw once. [chuckles]
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It wasn't supposed to be funny,
but I found it funny.
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The reporter went to a guy and asked,
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"What will you be doing
for Indigenous Peoples' Day?"
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He was like, [Italian-American accent]
"It's Columbus Day,
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I'm sick and tired of people coming in
and changing the name."
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"We're proud of that day."
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"It's Christopher Columbus.
Columbus Day. It's not gonna change."
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"In fact, how would you feel
if somebody came along,
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took something
that's been around for a long time,
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and just decided to switch it
and call it something else?"
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"Huh? How would you feel?"
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[in normal voice] I was like, "But, sir,
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isn't that the spirit of Columbus Day?"
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I'll be honest. I'm not a big fan
of Indigenous Peoples' Day.
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The title, I don't like...
I think it's a cop-out.
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I don't think it's specific enough.
It's lazy.
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"Indigenous Peoples' Day."
Which Indigenous people? Where? How?
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Give me something.
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You know what I liked about Columbus Day?
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It's that it was specific.
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Yeah. It was a specific, inspiring story
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of a man by the name Christopher Columbus
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who believed, against all odds,
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that he could sail
the wrong way around the world
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and get to India from the other side.
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Nobody believed in him.
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Yeah.
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He said, "I'm gonna do this."
They said, "You can't do it, Chris."
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He was like, "I will."
They're like, "You can't do it!"
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He said, "I will!" They said, "You can't!"
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And he raised money, he fought for years,
he finally got the ships.
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And he sailed the wrong way
around the world and he didn't do it.
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Not only did he not land
on the other side of India,
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he found himself in a place
called the Caribbean.
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And he was like, "This is India."
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And the people went,
[in Caribbean accent] "I don't know
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if you've been eating
some of the herb we've been leaving about,
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but this is totally not India."
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He was like, "This is India
and you guys are Indians."
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They're like,
"Brother, we are not Indians."
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He's like, "I know Indians
when I don't see them."
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"You're Indians, just on the far side."
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"So you're West Indians."
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And he stuck with it.
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Christopher Columbus
stuck with it his entire life.
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Other explorers would come to him
like, "Yo, Chris."
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"I don't think you made it to India."
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He's like, "It's India."
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They're like, "I don't think it's India."
He's like, "It's India."
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He died refusing
to acknowledge the possibility
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that he never made it to India.
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Not only that, my friends,
he never set foot in America,
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ever.
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Ever.
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And yet, he had a public holiday
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named after him
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in America.
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That, my friends, is the inspiring story
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of how white men can fail up.
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Do you know how much confidence
you have to have to pull that off?
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Nobody else. That is white man confidence.
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Nobody else possesses
that level of confidence.
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Go the wrong way.
End up in the wrong place.
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Call the wrong people the wrong name
and be like, "I'm right."
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"Give me a holiday."
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No one else can do that.
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That is the level of confidence
we should all aspire to,
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is white man levels of confidence.
Women couldn't pull that off.
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If a woman said, "I'll sail
the wrong way around the Earth."
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They'll be like,
"Burn her. She's a witch!"
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You think people of color could
pull that off?
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You think Black people could?
Wow, really?
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Like he was gonna sail around the world
the wrong way around.
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Get to the place
they're not supposed to be.
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Probably get arrested for trespassing.
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Like, "What are you doing here?"
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[in African-American accent] "My bad,
I thought I was getting to India."
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"Man, I don't know what I was thinking."
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"We should've never messed with ships.
It never turns out good."
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"I apologize. I apologize, man."
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"This won't happen again."
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Why would you wanna bury your history?
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There's so much joy and so much to learn.
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You know?
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It feels like America
is moving in that direction.
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It wants less and less of its history,
less and less context.
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You look what's happening
with textbooks.
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Places like Florida,
they wanna ban textbooks
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or cut out the parts of the textbooks
that have slavery in the books.
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And now parents are fighting.
They're like,
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"No, no, take the slavery out.
It's making the kids feel bad."
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Other parents are like,
"Keep the slavery in."
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00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,444
"It teaches children."
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00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:18,697
And they're fighting
back and forth. I'm like, "Why?"
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You don't need to be fighting about...
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No one should be fighting about this.
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Kids don't read textbooks.
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They watch TikTok.
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If you wanna get to the kids,
that's where you gotta be.
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♪ There was slavery ♪
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♪ Ships came ♪
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♪ Yeah... ♪
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I'll be honest. I don't think
that textbook thing is like a real issue.
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I feel like it's one of those
manufactured issues
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that often happens in America
that gets people riled up
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and gets them fired up,
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fighting about something
that was never an issue to begin with.
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I say this
because that's honestly what I believe.
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00:13:09,373 --> 00:13:12,793
I feel like in America,
politicians have done a really good job
243
00:13:12,876 --> 00:13:16,338
of tricking Americans
into fighting about issues
244
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,632
that were never an issue to begin with,
245
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:21,927
so that you don't pay attention
to the issues that actually are.
246
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:24,429
You know?
247
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,686
If you're fighting
about what's in a textbook,
248
00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:34,189
you don't pay attention to the fact
that inflation is out of control.
249
00:13:34,273 --> 00:13:37,276
You don't pay attention
that rents are out of control.
250
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:38,986
People cannot afford to live anywhere.
251
00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:41,196
Salaries have never
kept up with inflation.
252
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,824
Corporations steal billions
and billions of dollars
253
00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:46,159
from their employees
with no ramifications.
254
00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:48,203
You don't pay attention to any of that.
255
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:51,957
You pay attention to what's catchy,
what's easy to keep up with.
256
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,834
It keeps you going, you know?
257
00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:57,087
"Ooh,
can trans people use public bathrooms?"
258
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,422
"Ooh!"
259
00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,466
It's manufactured.
260
00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:04,094
Who was dealing with this issue? Honestly.
261
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,388
Who was actually dealing with this issue?
262
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:09,266
You know what they did?
Some politician figured out, they go,
263
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:12,227
"Here's a small story affecting
a few people in a random place."
264
00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:14,688
"I'll make it seem
like a nationwide issue,
265
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,441
then everyone starts fighting."
But who was dealing with it?
266
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,986
Who has ever been in a situation
where you were in a bathroom,
267
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:23,864
and all of a sudden a skirmish broke out
and people go,
268
00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:26,700
"Excuse me, is this the gender
that you were born with?"
269
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,453
"Does it coincide
with the sign on the door?"
270
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,788
"Is your genitalia matching this?"
271
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:32,998
"Can I see it?"
272
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,499
Who's ever seen that?
273
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,126
Nobody.
274
00:14:37,628 --> 00:14:39,004
Nobody.
275
00:14:41,465 --> 00:14:44,259
But they make us fight about it
because it's catchy.
276
00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:46,929
"Who can use which bathroom."
Who cares?
277
00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:49,848
Who cares? I mean it, who cares?
278
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:51,808
I know some would be like,
"Trans people care."
279
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:54,019
They wanna know
if they can use a public bathroom.
280
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:57,147
Yeah, use whichever bathroom you want.
Who's gonna stop you?
281
00:14:58,065 --> 00:15:01,151
No, seriously, it's a public toilet.
282
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,986
Who is going to stop you?
283
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,822
You tell me
who's gonna enforce that law?
284
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,241
We can't even enforce the idea
285
00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:10,369
that people should shit into the toilet.
286
00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:17,793
But you think magically they're gonna
figure out if you were born this way.
287
00:15:19,211 --> 00:15:22,756
Use whichever one you want.
Why are we wasting our time?
288
00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:25,133
Other people are like,
289
00:15:25,217 --> 00:15:27,552
"We'll fight
because you gotta know who's--"
290
00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:30,555
Let me tell you something.
If you are spending enough time
291
00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:33,767
to know the genitalia of the other people
in a public bathroom,
292
00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:35,060
you're the creep.
293
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:38,939
I'm worried about you.
294
00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:45,612
There is a simple rule
to every public toilet around the world.
295
00:15:45,696 --> 00:15:48,824
And that rule is, you get in,
pay no attention to anyone else,
296
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:50,575
hold your breath and you get out.
297
00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:54,663
Quit standing around
staring at other people.
298
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:56,957
Every man in this room knows
when we use the toilet,
299
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,168
we get in, public toilet,
you stare dead ahead, you pee,
300
00:16:00,252 --> 00:16:02,379
do your thing.
Do not look to either side.
301
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:04,381
If you're fidgety, look up, look down.
302
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,049
You do not look at anyone else.
303
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:08,927
The guy next to you can start choking.
You don't turn your head.
304
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:11,138
You don't shake, you don't move.
305
00:16:11,221 --> 00:16:12,431
You hear him, like...
306
00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:14,224
[mimics choking]
307
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,560
You be like, "Hey, man, hey. Hey."
308
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,021
"Hey, you all right? Yo, yo."
309
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:20,522
"Hey, man, you okay?"
310
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:23,191
"Yo, yo. You want me to call...
Hey, man, are you okay?"
311
00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:26,111
[mimics choking]
"You wanna call--" "Don't look at me!"
312
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:31,575
What are we doing?
313
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:34,411
What are we fighting about?
314
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:36,955
Public bathrooms.
315
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:41,001
If you know your history, you know
this happens all the time in America.
316
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:44,296
It happens over and over and over again.
317
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:48,258
There was a time when women had to fight
to use public bathrooms in America.
318
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,342
Imagine that.
319
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:52,637
There was literally a time when women
weren't allowed to use public bathrooms
320
00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:54,806
all across America and they had to fight.
321
00:16:54,890 --> 00:16:57,726
And there were men who were angry.
They were like, "This is crazy."
322
00:16:57,809 --> 00:17:02,147
"You're gonna have women
in public bathrooms? That's insane!"
323
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:04,691
"How does it work, huh?"
324
00:17:04,775 --> 00:17:08,111
"What, they're gonna come in there
while we're peeing?"
325
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,697
"And then what?
They're gonna look at our wieners?"
326
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:13,200
"And they're gonna laugh, huh?"
327
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:17,913
Think about this, ladies.
328
00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:23,835
There was a time when women were first
allowed to step into the workplace,
329
00:17:23,919 --> 00:17:26,546
where there were no public bathrooms
they could use.
330
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:29,966
So, ladies, if you were out and about
back then, you needed to pee,
331
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,635
you needed to poo,
you had to go home.
332
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,553
Yeah. And I say poo theoretically,
333
00:17:33,637 --> 00:17:35,430
I don't know if you actually do.
334
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:39,434
No, I don't think any guy does.
Let's be honest. We don't.
335
00:17:39,518 --> 00:17:44,231
We assume this on a biological level,
but I don't know for certain
336
00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:46,191
that any woman actually...
337
00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:49,152
In fact, any man in here,
think of any woman in your life.
338
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,197
Do you know the last time she pooed?
I don't think you know.
339
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,740
I don't think you know.
340
00:17:53,824 --> 00:17:56,535
There is no forensic evidence
to back up that claim.
341
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,203
There is no smell.
342
00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:01,081
There is no stain.
There is no nothing.
343
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,334
Ladies, I don't know
who does your bathroom PR,
344
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,086
but they are doing a stellar job.
345
00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:07,838
Stellar job.
346
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:11,675
Women go to the bathroom,
smells better when they come out of it.
347
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:12,676
How?
348
00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:16,638
You never know
when a lady is pooing. Never.
349
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,641
Because also,
women keep the same amount of time.
350
00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:22,269
That's the most impressive thing.
You give nothing away.
351
00:18:22,352 --> 00:18:24,938
Yeah, a woman's gonna go pee,
it takes ten minutes.
352
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,857
She goes to the bathroom. All right.
353
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:30,527
Gets there, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,
comes out, washes her hand,
354
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:33,488
powders her face, texts on the phone,
comes back to the table.
355
00:18:33,572 --> 00:18:34,990
You have no clue. Yeah.
356
00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:37,284
She's gonna go poo,
same thing, ten minutes.
357
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:38,493
Goes to the bathroom,
358
00:18:38,577 --> 00:18:40,912
pellets, pellets, pellets,
comes back out.
359
00:18:40,996 --> 00:18:44,666
Wash her hands, powder the nose,
text her friends. Get back out there.
360
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:46,626
You have no clue.
361
00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,796
With men,
you know exactly what we're doing.
362
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,341
Discretion is not our forte.
363
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:57,596
You know when every single man
is gonna go pee. Why?
364
00:18:57,679 --> 00:18:58,972
Two minutes.
365
00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:02,434
Off to the bathroom, we're in there.
Quickest thing ever.
366
00:19:02,517 --> 00:19:03,935
It's like a NASCAR pit stop.
367
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:07,105
Yeah, we get in, we pee, we come back out,
368
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,691
act like we're washing our hands
and we're back.
369
00:19:13,612 --> 00:19:15,655
How do you know
when we take a dump?
370
00:19:15,739 --> 00:19:18,658
'Cause it's obvious.
We go to the bathroom, never come back.
371
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:22,495
That's the last time you'll ever see us.
372
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:25,457
Your family's putting up
wanted posters in the restaurant.
373
00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:27,334
"Have you seen this man?"
374
00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:34,382
Imagine, people were fighting
about bathrooms every time in America.
375
00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:37,636
Every time. There was a time
when Black people had to fight
376
00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:39,679
to use public bathrooms. Huh.
377
00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:43,934
Same thing. Black people were like,
"Why can we not use public bathrooms?"
378
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:45,936
And again, people were angry.
379
00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:47,354
"This is crazy."
380
00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:51,191
"You're gonna have Black people in this
in a public bathroom?"
381
00:19:51,274 --> 00:19:53,235
"How does that even work, huh?"
382
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:57,113
"So what? They're gonna be
standing there while I pee, huh?"
383
00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:59,407
"They're gonna be
looking at my wiener? Huh?"
384
00:19:59,491 --> 00:20:01,701
"And they're gonna laugh? Huh?"
385
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:09,876
I'm old enough to remember
386
00:20:10,669 --> 00:20:12,587
when there was a discussion in America
387
00:20:12,671 --> 00:20:15,257
about whether gay people
could use public bathrooms.
388
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,842
This was an actual topic of discussion.
389
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,137
I remember people on the news
being interviewed.
390
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:24,349
"Do you think gay men should
be allowed into the same bathrooms
391
00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:27,519
as straight men?" They'll be like,
"I don't mind what they do,
392
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:29,688
if they keep it to themselves,
that's fine."
393
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:33,858
"But just answer me this.
Answer me this. How is it gonna work?"
394
00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:37,445
"So what? You're in the bathroom
with them and then what?"
395
00:20:37,529 --> 00:20:39,656
"He's gay and I'm just standing there
396
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,116
and I'm peeing, huh?"
397
00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:44,119
"And he's looking at my wiener? Huh?"
398
00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:46,371
"And then he grabs it, huh?"
399
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:49,416
"And he starts yanking on it, huh?"
400
00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:50,959
"He just starts tugging away
401
00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:53,837
and I get hard and I'm enjoying it, huh?"
402
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:57,716
"And then this is one of the best
experiences I've ever had, huh?"
403
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:00,135
"And then I start coming back weekly
404
00:21:00,218 --> 00:21:02,846
hoping I'll bump into him and I do, huh?"
405
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:05,223
"And then at some point
we agree to meet outside,
406
00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:08,643
a nice little restaurant that's cozy
and get to know each other, huh?"
407
00:21:08,727 --> 00:21:10,979
"And then a few years later,
we get married
408
00:21:11,062 --> 00:21:13,523
and our families are joined
and we live happily ever after?"
409
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,025
"Is that what you want?"
410
00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:20,989
Wow.
411
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:25,493
Public bathrooms.
412
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:30,707
It's why you shouldn't bury your history.
413
00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:36,212
If you know what's happened,
you know what to predict.
414
00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:39,007
You understand why it happened
in the first place.
415
00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:41,551
Germany does that
in a truly astounding way.
416
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:43,303
It will never be perfect.
417
00:21:43,386 --> 00:21:46,056
But Germany is one of the only countries
in the world
418
00:21:46,139 --> 00:21:48,933
that has actively
paid reparations for what they did.
419
00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:54,147
One of the only countries in the world
that has actively apologized
420
00:21:55,482 --> 00:21:59,069
and one of the only countries in the world
that's set about changing
421
00:21:59,152 --> 00:22:02,280
how they see themselves
and how the world sees them.
422
00:22:03,073 --> 00:22:06,368
After World War II,
Germany changed a bunch of laws.
423
00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:08,870
They changed the iconography
of the country.
424
00:22:08,953 --> 00:22:10,830
What you could hang,
where you could hang it.
425
00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,999
They changed their national anthem.
426
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:15,835
Yeah, imagine that,
they changed the national anthem.
427
00:22:16,669 --> 00:22:19,714
They felt that the national anthem
was a nationalist song
428
00:22:19,798 --> 00:22:22,550
that the Nazis used to inspire people
to think the wrong things.
429
00:22:22,634 --> 00:22:24,886
They changed it.
The original song was called
430
00:22:24,969 --> 00:22:27,013
"Deutschland, Deutschland über alles."
431
00:22:27,097 --> 00:22:29,641
You've probably heard it
in old movies or whatever.
432
00:22:29,724 --> 00:22:30,600
The song went like...
433
00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:32,143
[singing in German]
434
00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:40,777
And translated into English, it means...
435
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:44,656
♪ Germany, Germany over everything ♪
436
00:22:44,739 --> 00:22:47,992
♪ Over everything in the world ♪
437
00:22:49,494 --> 00:22:50,829
And clearly they meant it.
438
00:22:52,539 --> 00:22:56,876
Yeah, where most anthems are theoretical,
the Germans are precise.
439
00:22:59,921 --> 00:23:03,800
But after World War II, they were like,
"We can't have that same attitude."
440
00:23:04,342 --> 00:23:05,927
And so they changed the anthem.
441
00:23:06,553 --> 00:23:07,595
And new lyrics.
442
00:23:07,679 --> 00:23:09,013
The new lyrics are...
443
00:23:09,097 --> 00:23:10,306
[singing in German]
444
00:23:17,272 --> 00:23:19,274
Which translated into English is...
445
00:23:19,816 --> 00:23:23,987
♪ Unity and rights and freedom ♪
446
00:23:24,070 --> 00:23:27,490
♪ For all the people who live in Germany ♪
447
00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:33,288
Which... Which is adorable.
448
00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:37,333
It's adorable.
They may as well have made the song...
449
00:23:37,417 --> 00:23:40,461
♪ Sorry, sorry
We're so, so sorry ♪
450
00:23:40,545 --> 00:23:43,506
♪ Sorry, sorry, sorry for what we did ♪
451
00:23:46,759 --> 00:23:49,971
I appreciate that they did it,
but I wouldn't have gone that far.
452
00:23:50,054 --> 00:23:52,182
I won't lie.
I wouldn't have gone that far.
453
00:23:52,265 --> 00:23:55,393
I think über alles is terrible.
That's not a good way to think.
454
00:23:55,476 --> 00:23:57,854
But you still gotta have
a bit of kick in your anthem.
455
00:23:57,937 --> 00:24:00,648
You still gotta have a...
I would've found a middle ground.
456
00:24:00,732 --> 00:24:01,816
Mine would have been...
457
00:24:01,900 --> 00:24:04,444
[in German] ♪ Germany
Germany, somewhere... ♪
458
00:24:04,527 --> 00:24:06,029
[in English] ...in the top five.
459
00:24:07,030 --> 00:24:09,908
[in German]
♪ Not over everything in the world ♪
460
00:24:11,034 --> 00:24:13,953
[in English] ♪ Because we are definitely
In the top five ♪
461
00:24:14,037 --> 00:24:15,747
♪ When you think about it ♪
462
00:24:15,830 --> 00:24:17,332
♪ America's number one ♪
463
00:24:17,415 --> 00:24:21,920
♪ And then you have Great Britain
And then you have France and Spain ♪
464
00:24:22,003 --> 00:24:23,671
♪ And then we are at number five... ♪
465
00:24:23,755 --> 00:24:25,673
Actually, Spain is not better than us.
466
00:24:25,757 --> 00:24:27,217
♪ So we are number four ♪
467
00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:28,801
♪ Number four in the... ♪
468
00:24:28,885 --> 00:24:32,263
Yeah, but France,
their economy is not that strong.
469
00:24:32,347 --> 00:24:34,599
♪ So, maybe we are number three
In the world ♪
470
00:24:34,682 --> 00:24:36,267
♪ Then you have England above... ♪
471
00:24:36,351 --> 00:24:39,103
Oh, wait, oh, Brexit was not a smart idea.
472
00:24:39,187 --> 00:24:42,357
♪ So maybe if we are number two
And America is number... ♪
473
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:44,859
Oh, the elections are not that stable. So...
474
00:24:44,943 --> 00:24:47,570
Then maybe we are über alles of the world!
475
00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:52,158
[chuckles]
476
00:24:55,286 --> 00:24:57,789
[in normal accent] It's one
of the biggest things they did,
477
00:24:57,872 --> 00:24:59,707
and nobody knows that they did it.
478
00:25:00,875 --> 00:25:03,127
I was chatting to a German guy.
479
00:25:03,795 --> 00:25:06,464
And he was perplexed by this.
Absolutely perplexed.
480
00:25:06,547 --> 00:25:09,842
He said... [in German accent] "In Germany
we've done so many things."
481
00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:12,303
"The national anthem
was a big change for us."
482
00:25:12,387 --> 00:25:14,555
"I'm sure
the whole world talks about this."
483
00:25:16,557 --> 00:25:18,685
[in normal accent] I said, "Nope." [sighs]
484
00:25:19,269 --> 00:25:20,895
He was like, "What do you mean?"
485
00:25:20,979 --> 00:25:23,314
"What do you mean?
Who doesn't talk about it?"
486
00:25:23,398 --> 00:25:25,566
I was like, "Nobody.
Nobody talks about it."
487
00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:28,486
"Who's nobody?"
I was like, "Nobody. No one."
488
00:25:28,569 --> 00:25:30,738
"No one outside of Germany
even knows this."
489
00:25:30,822 --> 00:25:33,783
"How can they not know?"
I was like, "What do you mean?"
490
00:25:33,866 --> 00:25:36,452
"It's German. No one speaks German
outside Germany."
491
00:25:36,536 --> 00:25:37,745
"How would anyone know?"
492
00:25:37,829 --> 00:25:39,747
"Also, you guys did something weird."
493
00:25:39,831 --> 00:25:43,584
"You changed the lyrics,
but you kept the beat."
494
00:25:46,963 --> 00:25:48,131
It's a strange move.
495
00:25:48,673 --> 00:25:52,677
[in German accent] You're like, "This song
is terrible, and we're changing it."
496
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,095
"Ja. What about the beat?"
497
00:25:54,178 --> 00:25:57,348
"No, we are keeping that 'cause
I've learned all the moves. Ja."
498
00:26:01,269 --> 00:26:04,522
[normally] That's probably why most people
don't know it changed.
499
00:26:04,605 --> 00:26:08,359
You've kept the beat.
Most people don't know the lyrics.
500
00:26:08,443 --> 00:26:09,861
We just know the beat.
501
00:26:09,944 --> 00:26:12,572
No one knew Michael Jackson
was saying, "You're a vegetable."
502
00:26:12,655 --> 00:26:13,948
None of us knew that.
503
00:26:14,032 --> 00:26:16,617
Some of you are like,
"When did he say 'vegetable'?"
504
00:26:16,701 --> 00:26:18,369
Been singing it your whole life...
505
00:26:18,453 --> 00:26:19,662
♪ You're a vegetable ♪
506
00:26:21,789 --> 00:26:24,042
No one knows lyrics.
We just know the beat.
507
00:26:26,002 --> 00:26:28,004
That's what Germany did. It's weird.
508
00:26:28,755 --> 00:26:33,343
It's weird to not change the music.
'Cause the music comes with emotion.
509
00:26:34,260 --> 00:26:37,013
I was trying to explain this to him.
He didn't get it.
510
00:26:37,972 --> 00:26:40,058
And I realized,
you know what it's like.
511
00:26:40,141 --> 00:26:41,142
What Germany did,
512
00:26:41,768 --> 00:26:44,312
it would be like if in Star Wars, right?
513
00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:48,191
You know Star Wars.
All right, let's say, Darth Vader.
514
00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:50,276
Whenever Darth Vader came into a scene,
515
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,612
whenever he landed
on one of those planets,
516
00:26:52,695 --> 00:26:55,156
you always knew something
was about to go down,
517
00:26:55,239 --> 00:26:56,491
something bad,
518
00:26:56,574 --> 00:26:57,992
because he had his music.
519
00:26:58,659 --> 00:27:01,245
All right?
The music told you what was gonna happen.
520
00:27:01,329 --> 00:27:02,455
The ship would land...
521
00:27:02,538 --> 00:27:03,790
[imitates whooshing]
522
00:27:04,624 --> 00:27:05,625
Door would open...
523
00:27:05,708 --> 00:27:07,168
[imitates electric hum]
524
00:27:07,251 --> 00:27:08,628
And he'd be standing there.
525
00:27:08,711 --> 00:27:10,505
[imitates strained breathing]
526
00:27:13,424 --> 00:27:14,509
But he would never...
527
00:27:14,592 --> 00:27:17,887
He would never come into the game
without his song playing.
528
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:20,890
Never. He'll be there,
DJ on the side, like,
529
00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:22,934
[mimics Darth Vader] "DJ, play my jam."
530
00:27:24,102 --> 00:27:25,853
[imitates record scratching]
531
00:27:27,605 --> 00:27:29,482
[mimics "The Imperial March"]
532
00:27:31,526 --> 00:27:32,527
"That's right."
533
00:27:36,697 --> 00:27:37,532
"Uh-huh."
534
00:27:41,661 --> 00:27:43,788
And then you knew it was about to go down.
535
00:27:44,664 --> 00:27:45,540
Get down there...
536
00:27:45,623 --> 00:27:47,708
[mimics Darth Vader]
"Kneel before me, Jedi."
537
00:27:47,792 --> 00:27:50,044
[in high-pitched voice] "We'll never kneel
before you."
538
00:27:50,128 --> 00:27:52,171
[mimics lightsabers whooshing]
539
00:27:54,674 --> 00:27:56,926
"You cannot defeat me."
540
00:27:57,009 --> 00:27:59,804
"He's so strong.
I don't know if we're gonna win."
541
00:27:59,887 --> 00:28:01,389
[mimics Yoda] "Defeat him, we shall."
542
00:28:01,472 --> 00:28:03,391
[continues mimicking lightsabers]
543
00:28:04,267 --> 00:28:05,518
"Use the Force, we will."
544
00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:12,191
[mimicking Darth Vader]
"Ahh, you have defeated me!"
545
00:28:12,275 --> 00:28:14,527
"We did it, Master Yoda! We did it!
546
00:28:14,610 --> 00:28:15,987
"We defeated Darth Vader!"
547
00:28:16,070 --> 00:28:17,613
[mimics Yoda] "Indeed, we have."
548
00:28:17,697 --> 00:28:18,865
"What do we do now?"
549
00:28:18,948 --> 00:28:20,908
"Free the Empire, we shall."
550
00:28:20,992 --> 00:28:23,327
"Travel around,
the good news we shall spread."
551
00:28:23,411 --> 00:28:24,287
"Let's do it."
552
00:28:24,370 --> 00:28:26,664
"Yes, a new song we shall play."
553
00:28:26,747 --> 00:28:29,500
[mimics "The Imperial March"]
554
00:28:31,043 --> 00:28:32,044
"You're free."
555
00:28:32,128 --> 00:28:34,297
[mimics "The Imperial March"]
556
00:28:35,715 --> 00:28:37,425
[in normal voice] It's weird.
557
00:28:48,269 --> 00:28:50,646
It's still impressive, though.
Still impressive.
558
00:28:50,730 --> 00:28:54,859
Changing your national anthem
is no small thing.
559
00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:55,943
It truly isn't.
560
00:28:56,736 --> 00:28:58,029
Changing anything.
561
00:28:58,112 --> 00:28:59,864
We were having this conversation.
562
00:29:00,448 --> 00:29:03,117
And afterwards, he said
something interesting, he's like,
563
00:29:03,201 --> 00:29:06,496
[in German accent] "Because we saw
how Germany had to change
564
00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:09,749
how it saw itself
in order to change what it did,
565
00:29:09,832 --> 00:29:11,626
it's why we changed the anthem."
566
00:29:11,709 --> 00:29:13,294
I was like, "That's powerful."
567
00:29:13,377 --> 00:29:15,671
He's like, "Do you think
America would ever change..."
568
00:29:15,755 --> 00:29:18,257
I was like,
"Don't even finish that sentence."
569
00:29:18,341 --> 00:29:22,053
"You don't even finish that sentence."
570
00:29:23,471 --> 00:29:27,809
If there's one thing I've learned,
America hates change.
571
00:29:28,476 --> 00:29:33,022
Whoo! America does not like change.
572
00:29:34,315 --> 00:29:36,192
You wanna change
the things Germany changed?
573
00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:38,778
The money, the flags, the anthem.
Are you kidding me?
574
00:29:38,861 --> 00:29:41,280
Remember when they tried
to change the $20 bill?
575
00:29:41,864 --> 00:29:43,115
Remember that?
576
00:29:43,199 --> 00:29:45,535
They said they'd put
Harriet Tubman on the bill.
577
00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:48,788
People got so angry,
they postponed it indefinitely.
578
00:29:49,872 --> 00:29:52,333
People were furious. "What are you doing?"
579
00:29:52,416 --> 00:29:54,544
"We're putting Harriet--"
"How dare you?"
580
00:29:54,627 --> 00:29:58,381
"How dare you take
an American president off the $20?"
581
00:29:58,464 --> 00:29:59,799
"How dare you take..."
582
00:29:59,882 --> 00:30:01,384
"Who's on the $20?"
583
00:30:02,051 --> 00:30:06,973
"How dare you take Andrew Jackson
off the $20 bill?"
584
00:30:07,056 --> 00:30:09,892
"They're just putting
Harriet Tubman on the front,
585
00:30:09,976 --> 00:30:11,686
and Andrew Jackson will be on the back."
586
00:30:11,769 --> 00:30:15,398
"You're putting an American president
on the back? On the back?"
587
00:30:15,481 --> 00:30:17,066
"That's disrespectful!"
588
00:30:17,149 --> 00:30:18,401
It's not, really.
589
00:30:18,484 --> 00:30:20,486
If you know your history,
you would know,
590
00:30:20,570 --> 00:30:23,364
Andrew Jackson would love to be
on the back side of a Black woman,
591
00:30:23,447 --> 00:30:25,449
so I don't know why you're so stressed.
592
00:30:27,285 --> 00:30:28,786
I feel like everybody wins.
593
00:30:35,126 --> 00:30:36,961
People were furious, though.
594
00:30:37,670 --> 00:30:40,506
And now you're gonna suggest
changing the flag?
595
00:30:40,590 --> 00:30:42,967
Suggest changing the anthem? Whoo!
596
00:30:43,593 --> 00:30:46,137
There's two things I've learned,
living in America.
597
00:30:46,220 --> 00:30:50,099
It's you respect the flag
and you respect the anthem.
598
00:30:50,683 --> 00:30:52,310
I don't know what it means.
599
00:30:53,728 --> 00:30:55,021
But I follow the rules.
600
00:30:56,939 --> 00:30:59,442
I say I don't know
what it means is because it's confusing.
601
00:30:59,525 --> 00:31:02,862
You'll meet people like,
"You respect the flag!" and I get it.
602
00:31:02,945 --> 00:31:05,323
But then I'll see those same people
on July 4th,
603
00:31:05,406 --> 00:31:07,617
and they'll be wearing the flag
as underwear.
604
00:31:11,954 --> 00:31:12,955
Does that count?
605
00:31:14,290 --> 00:31:16,083
And you looked up
and you were like,
606
00:31:16,167 --> 00:31:17,752
"That flag, these balls."
607
00:31:25,676 --> 00:31:27,803
I would never suggest changing any of it.
608
00:31:27,887 --> 00:31:29,805
The anthem? Oh, no, never the anthem.
609
00:31:30,348 --> 00:31:32,975
Even though it could.
Maybe it could do with a little change.
610
00:31:33,059 --> 00:31:35,353
It is a very violent anthem.
611
00:31:35,978 --> 00:31:38,314
And America struggles with violence,
612
00:31:38,397 --> 00:31:39,732
Maybe like a softer...
613
00:31:39,815 --> 00:31:41,233
It's a violent anthem.
614
00:31:41,317 --> 00:31:45,404
It's the only anthem I've ever heard
that has bombs blowing up in it.
615
00:31:46,030 --> 00:31:50,117
Yeah. There are bombs and rockets
in your national anthem.
616
00:31:50,743 --> 00:31:52,787
It's like a Michael Bay movie in a song.
617
00:31:53,704 --> 00:31:55,706
Everything blowing up in slow motion.
618
00:31:55,790 --> 00:31:57,792
[imitates explosions]
619
00:31:57,875 --> 00:32:00,836
It's almost like you're threatening
other countries as well.
620
00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:04,173
It's like, "Yeah, bombs bursting
and rockets were flaring."
621
00:32:04,256 --> 00:32:05,174
"Try us."
622
00:32:07,426 --> 00:32:09,387
It's like a gangster rap, to be honest.
623
00:32:10,554 --> 00:32:11,389
It really is.
624
00:32:11,472 --> 00:32:13,766
The American anthem
is like a gangster rap.
625
00:32:13,849 --> 00:32:15,643
It has all the same elements.
626
00:32:15,726 --> 00:32:17,770
It has the violence, it has the threats.
627
00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:19,897
You know how it's similar
to a gangster rap?
628
00:32:19,981 --> 00:32:23,859
The American anthem is the only anthem
where you can put the word "bitch"
629
00:32:23,943 --> 00:32:25,820
at the end of any line
630
00:32:27,989 --> 00:32:29,991
and the song still makes sense.
631
00:32:32,868 --> 00:32:36,664
♪ Gave proof through the night ♪
632
00:32:36,747 --> 00:32:39,959
♪ That our flag was still there ♪
633
00:32:40,042 --> 00:32:41,127
♪ Bitch ♪
634
00:32:53,973 --> 00:32:56,475
I love the American national anthem,
I won't lie.
635
00:32:57,184 --> 00:33:00,855
It's exciting, and I know all the words.
I didn't try, but I know them.
636
00:33:00,938 --> 00:33:03,649
It's one of those songs
that you hear so much that you know it.
637
00:33:03,733 --> 00:33:04,567
Sort of like
638
00:33:04,650 --> 00:33:06,402
♪ Nationwide is on your side ♪
639
00:33:06,485 --> 00:33:07,445
Same...
640
00:33:07,528 --> 00:33:10,656
Same thing. Don't wanna know that.
Don't need to know that.
641
00:33:10,740 --> 00:33:13,659
Wish I could reclaim the space
in my brain, but it's there.
642
00:33:15,077 --> 00:33:19,373
America's national anthem is like that,
'cause you hear it so much in America.
643
00:33:20,249 --> 00:33:23,127
Now, this is the only country
I've ever ever lived in
644
00:33:23,210 --> 00:33:25,004
where you play the national anthem
645
00:33:25,504 --> 00:33:27,715
when there is no other country
in attendance.
646
00:33:31,093 --> 00:33:32,845
It would be like basketball games,
647
00:33:32,928 --> 00:33:33,971
football games,
648
00:33:34,055 --> 00:33:35,222
beer pong games,
649
00:33:35,306 --> 00:33:36,474
national anthem.
650
00:33:38,100 --> 00:33:41,562
Which I know is normal
if you've lived in America all your life.
651
00:33:41,645 --> 00:33:44,440
"What other way is there, Trevor?"
I'll tell you...
652
00:33:44,523 --> 00:33:48,027
I'll tell you as somebody
who comes from the rest of the world,
653
00:33:49,862 --> 00:33:51,322
that's not a thing.
654
00:33:52,740 --> 00:33:54,492
It's not. Most places in the world,
655
00:33:54,575 --> 00:33:56,911
you play the national anthem
maybe once a year,
656
00:33:56,994 --> 00:33:59,080
on a national event,
or when you're competing
657
00:33:59,163 --> 00:34:01,248
against another country.
Then you play it.
658
00:34:01,332 --> 00:34:05,628
'Cause the other country is there
and you have to prove to your country
659
00:34:06,253 --> 00:34:08,672
that you're loyal.
That's why you sing the song.
660
00:34:09,465 --> 00:34:11,425
'Cause countries are very insecure.
661
00:34:13,219 --> 00:34:14,553
You have to reassure them.
662
00:34:15,262 --> 00:34:16,388
Constantly reassuring.
663
00:34:16,472 --> 00:34:18,099
They should go to therapy,
664
00:34:18,182 --> 00:34:20,643
deal with their attachment issues,
but they don't.
665
00:34:21,310 --> 00:34:24,063
You only realize
how insecure countries are
666
00:34:24,146 --> 00:34:25,981
when you leave your country.
667
00:34:26,065 --> 00:34:27,441
Have you ever left and come back?
668
00:34:27,525 --> 00:34:29,318
Have you seen the questions
your country asks you?
669
00:34:29,401 --> 00:34:31,612
So insecure, so jealous.
670
00:34:31,695 --> 00:34:34,573
Just like, "Where have you been, huh?"
671
00:34:35,241 --> 00:34:37,368
"Where have you been? Which countries?"
672
00:34:37,451 --> 00:34:39,578
"So what? You have another country now?"
673
00:34:39,662 --> 00:34:41,956
"Is that what you're doing, huh? Huh?"
674
00:34:42,039 --> 00:34:45,668
"Which stamps are these? Let's see
who's been stamping your passport."
675
00:34:45,751 --> 00:34:48,754
You're like, "Damn, country.
Let me get my privacy."
676
00:34:52,466 --> 00:34:56,679
That's why you only sing the anthem
when there's another country attending.
677
00:34:56,762 --> 00:34:58,389
The only time you do it.
678
00:34:58,472 --> 00:35:01,100
That's what it's for,
to make your country feel good.
679
00:35:01,851 --> 00:35:02,768
All right?
680
00:35:02,852 --> 00:35:04,603
You know what national anthems are?
681
00:35:04,687 --> 00:35:10,734
National anthems are the geopolitical
equivalent of that thing women do
682
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:12,403
to us men.
683
00:35:13,445 --> 00:35:17,241
Like, ladies, you know that trick
you have for that man in your life?
684
00:35:17,324 --> 00:35:20,161
Like, whenever his ego is bruised,
685
00:35:20,703 --> 00:35:23,581
and you have to you try and heal it.
686
00:35:24,623 --> 00:35:27,334
Every woman in this room has a trick
687
00:35:27,418 --> 00:35:29,128
that works on every man.
688
00:35:29,211 --> 00:35:33,048
And right now, I know a lot of the women
are like, "Shut up, Trevor!"
689
00:35:33,132 --> 00:35:35,801
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
690
00:35:36,802 --> 00:35:38,929
It's a beautiful, subtle technique.
691
00:35:39,013 --> 00:35:41,849
Yeah, you'll be out
having lunch or something,
692
00:35:41,932 --> 00:35:44,226
and some guy will come up to the table.
693
00:35:44,310 --> 00:35:46,937
He's buff, works out,
you know, looks really good.
694
00:35:47,021 --> 00:35:49,732
He's like,
"Oh, my God, Michelle? Michelle?"
695
00:35:49,815 --> 00:35:52,902
Like, "Oh, Justin? Oh, my God."
696
00:35:52,985 --> 00:35:54,403
"Wow. How are you?"
697
00:35:54,486 --> 00:35:57,406
And you're like,
"Who the hell is Justin? What's going on?"
698
00:35:57,489 --> 00:36:00,492
He's like, "This is crazy.
Twice in two weeks?"
699
00:36:01,535 --> 00:36:05,039
And you go like, "Twice?
When was once? Who is this?"
700
00:36:05,122 --> 00:36:07,458
"I know. Oh, my God. How are you?"
701
00:36:07,541 --> 00:36:10,878
"I'm doing good. We gotta catch up.
We gotta talk about college."
702
00:36:10,961 --> 00:36:13,756
"I was thinking about it.
We were so crazy in college."
703
00:36:13,839 --> 00:36:15,674
"You remember that night?"
704
00:36:15,758 --> 00:36:18,135
"You went to college? What's going on?"
705
00:36:19,345 --> 00:36:23,641
She can feel your ego
slowly withering like a raisin in the sun.
706
00:36:25,559 --> 00:36:27,228
And she won't look at you.
707
00:36:27,311 --> 00:36:28,896
She won't make it a big thing.
708
00:36:28,979 --> 00:36:30,648
She'll continue the conversation.
709
00:36:30,731 --> 00:36:33,359
But they'll gently just
put their hand on your thigh.
710
00:36:34,610 --> 00:36:36,570
And then just start rubbing it.
711
00:36:37,655 --> 00:36:39,740
She'll carry on like nothing's happening.
712
00:36:39,823 --> 00:36:43,494
"I know, those were crazy. I was
a cheerleader. What are you gonna do?"
713
00:36:43,577 --> 00:36:45,955
"It's just one of those."
And the hand is going,
714
00:36:46,038 --> 00:36:48,249
"Shh. Shh, shh, shh."
715
00:36:49,291 --> 00:36:51,627
"Shh. It's okay. It's okay."
716
00:36:52,253 --> 00:36:55,089
"It's okay, you're a big man. Big man."
717
00:36:56,090 --> 00:36:58,509
"Strong man. That's right."
718
00:36:58,592 --> 00:37:02,846
"There's no other man in the world.
Just you. Look at you. Wow."
719
00:37:02,930 --> 00:37:04,640
"What a big man. Yeah."
720
00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:07,059
"Who, this guy?
I don't even know who he is."
721
00:37:07,810 --> 00:37:09,436
"Yeah, no, with his muscles."
722
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:11,146
"Oh, I don't like muscles, no."
723
00:37:11,814 --> 00:37:13,691
"I hate muscles. They're disgusting."
724
00:37:13,774 --> 00:37:18,028
"Look at him, all working out
and everything's in shape and bulging."
725
00:37:18,112 --> 00:37:19,238
"No, it's disgusting."
726
00:37:19,321 --> 00:37:22,074
"What, six-packs?
No, I don't want a six-pack."
727
00:37:22,157 --> 00:37:24,868
"I don't like six-packs.
That's why I like you." Boop!
728
00:37:30,958 --> 00:37:32,626
That's what a national anthem is.
729
00:37:40,426 --> 00:37:42,344
You reassuring your country.
730
00:37:45,389 --> 00:37:48,267
The American anthem
is such an interesting one. You know?
731
00:37:48,350 --> 00:37:51,145
Everything that represents America
is the anthem.
732
00:37:51,228 --> 00:37:54,273
America has the most fun
anthem rules in the world.
733
00:37:54,356 --> 00:37:58,193
Only country in the world
where you're allowed to sing the anthem
734
00:37:58,277 --> 00:37:59,695
however you want.
735
00:38:00,821 --> 00:38:03,324
However you want.
736
00:38:03,407 --> 00:38:05,117
You can't do that anywhere else.
737
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:07,870
Everywhere else,
the anthem is the way it is written.
738
00:38:07,953 --> 00:38:09,496
It's boring, and that's the point.
739
00:38:09,580 --> 00:38:10,831
You can't just change it.
740
00:38:10,914 --> 00:38:12,875
In America,
you can do whatever you please.
741
00:38:13,917 --> 00:38:15,377
I noticed it the first time.
742
00:38:15,461 --> 00:38:18,130
The first time I noticed it
was at a basketball game.
743
00:38:18,213 --> 00:38:22,343
It was the New York Knicks
against the Toronto Raptors, right?
744
00:38:22,426 --> 00:38:25,012
And because the Raptors are from Canada,
745
00:38:25,763 --> 00:38:30,726
they had to play two national anthems
before the game, which is rare.
746
00:38:31,727 --> 00:38:35,230
And so we're in the arena
and then the voice comes on.
747
00:38:35,314 --> 00:38:36,940
"Ladies and gentlemen,
748
00:38:37,024 --> 00:38:39,860
please stand
for the Canadian national anthem."
749
00:38:39,943 --> 00:38:41,362
And everybody stood,
750
00:38:42,279 --> 00:38:44,406
and then they just played,
like, a tape somewhere.
751
00:38:46,408 --> 00:38:47,326
[chuckles]
752
00:38:47,409 --> 00:38:49,078
You could tell they didn't care.
753
00:38:50,371 --> 00:38:53,207
And it was the song,
the Canadian song. It's always the same.
754
00:38:53,290 --> 00:38:55,876
♪ O Canada... ♪
755
00:38:55,959 --> 00:38:57,002
[humming gibberish]
756
00:39:01,298 --> 00:39:03,926
♪ And something, something
Brings us back to... ♪
757
00:39:04,009 --> 00:39:05,803
[singing "Do-Re-Mi"] ♪ Do-do-do-do... ♪
758
00:39:05,886 --> 00:39:06,970
[chuckles]
759
00:39:07,763 --> 00:39:11,642
You know the song, man.
I don't have time for that. Whatever.
760
00:39:12,184 --> 00:39:13,852
They sang the Canadian anthem.
761
00:39:14,436 --> 00:39:15,354
They were done.
762
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:17,689
The announcer came back,
763
00:39:17,773 --> 00:39:19,400
"And now, ladies and gentlemen,
764
00:39:19,483 --> 00:39:22,277
please stay standing
for the American national anthem."
765
00:39:23,070 --> 00:39:24,488
And that's my favorite part.
766
00:39:25,739 --> 00:39:27,408
Yeah, the lights will go dark.
767
00:39:29,201 --> 00:39:31,412
Someone walks to the middle of the arena.
768
00:39:32,121 --> 00:39:34,623
It's always so intense, complete silence.
769
00:39:47,636 --> 00:39:52,558
[slowly] ♪ O say ♪
770
00:39:54,685 --> 00:40:01,650
♪ Can you ♪
771
00:40:11,368 --> 00:40:14,496
♪ See ♪
772
00:40:20,043 --> 00:40:25,841
♪ By the dawn's early light ♪
773
00:40:25,924 --> 00:40:28,093
[vocalizing off-tune]
774
00:40:30,596 --> 00:40:32,055
[vocalizing droning]
775
00:40:48,864 --> 00:40:55,746
♪ What so proudly we hail'd... ♪
776
00:40:55,829 --> 00:40:58,957
Why are you trying to make
the anthem sexy? What are you doing?
777
00:40:59,625 --> 00:41:00,876
I never understand that.
778
00:41:00,959 --> 00:41:03,879
Why are you trying to make it a sexy song?
779
00:41:08,509 --> 00:41:12,262
You'll never be in England
and see someone like, "Remix!"
780
00:41:12,346 --> 00:41:13,639
♪ God save
God save the Queen ♪
781
00:41:13,722 --> 00:41:16,266
♪ God save the Queen
I save the Queen with sexy sex ♪
782
00:41:16,350 --> 00:41:18,018
♪ Save the Queen
Let's save the Queen ♪
783
00:41:18,101 --> 00:41:20,062
♪ With sexy sex
Come on, save that Queen ♪
784
00:41:27,194 --> 00:41:28,153
Oh, man.
785
00:41:37,496 --> 00:41:38,497
So, Germany was fun.
786
00:41:42,084 --> 00:41:47,089
And then we headed
to Paris, France, to do shows
787
00:41:47,714 --> 00:41:49,258
for the first time in my life,
788
00:41:49,341 --> 00:41:50,467
I was very excited.
789
00:41:50,551 --> 00:41:52,386
I always wanted to perform in Paris.
790
00:41:52,469 --> 00:41:54,888
Didn't know what it would be.
But can I tell you?
791
00:41:54,972 --> 00:41:57,891
Paris is everything they tell you it is.
792
00:41:57,975 --> 00:42:04,231
It is easily one of the most romantic
cities I have ever been to in my life.
793
00:42:04,314 --> 00:42:07,568
I fell in love 1,000 times.
794
00:42:08,318 --> 00:42:10,153
I was by myself. It didn't matter.
795
00:42:11,029 --> 00:42:11,947
Yeah.
796
00:42:12,030 --> 00:42:14,616
Every night, it was just me
and those bedbugs, baby.
797
00:42:21,123 --> 00:42:26,712
I really enjoyed Paris
because I got to meet Parisians.
798
00:42:27,421 --> 00:42:28,422
In person.
799
00:42:28,505 --> 00:42:30,882
Not stereotypes,
not things you're told about.
800
00:42:30,966 --> 00:42:34,928
No, actually meet French people,
learn about them from them.
801
00:42:35,012 --> 00:42:37,431
And I learned some truly amazing things.
802
00:42:37,514 --> 00:42:42,519
For instance, the French have
a very different relationship with work
803
00:42:43,228 --> 00:42:45,355
than the rest of us, all right?
804
00:42:45,439 --> 00:42:47,649
In that they don't give a shit about it.
805
00:42:52,195 --> 00:42:54,489
Which, honestly, I found inspiring.
806
00:42:54,573 --> 00:42:56,033
Yeah. I feel like a lot of us
807
00:42:56,116 --> 00:42:58,910
have become a little
too attached to our work, you know?
808
00:42:58,994 --> 00:43:00,454
We identify with our work.
809
00:43:00,537 --> 00:43:03,206
Ever asked somebody like,
"Tell me about yourself"?
810
00:43:03,290 --> 00:43:04,833
"I'm an architect..."
811
00:43:04,916 --> 00:43:07,461
"Tell me about yourself."
"I own a hair salon and..."
812
00:43:07,544 --> 00:43:09,671
"Tell me about yourself."
"I'm a teacher..."
813
00:43:09,755 --> 00:43:11,048
"Tell me about yourself,"
814
00:43:11,131 --> 00:43:13,342
and people will tell you
about what they do.
815
00:43:13,425 --> 00:43:17,095
You know, it's become the thing
that people focus on.
816
00:43:17,179 --> 00:43:19,348
The French don't do that. No.
817
00:43:19,431 --> 00:43:21,892
You'll never meet
a French person who does that.
818
00:43:21,975 --> 00:43:25,103
You go up to a French person and be like,
"Excuse me. What do you do?"
819
00:43:25,187 --> 00:43:29,274
Be like, [in French accent] "Oh, me?
I go for walks with my friends and, uh...
820
00:43:29,358 --> 00:43:32,527
I like to eat good food and..."
821
00:43:32,611 --> 00:43:35,447
[in normal voice] You're like, "No,
what do you do for a living?"
822
00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:37,240
"For a living? Pardon."
823
00:43:37,324 --> 00:43:38,450
"Okay, for a living."
824
00:43:38,533 --> 00:43:41,203
"Okay, no, I, uh, breathe and, uh..."
825
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:44,456
"You know, I drink water
and, uh, you know..."
826
00:43:44,539 --> 00:43:47,084
"Of course,
I have to make love, you know."
827
00:43:50,921 --> 00:43:53,632
[in normal voice]
It's just a different way to be, man.
828
00:43:53,715 --> 00:43:56,718
You know, not being
so attached to your work. It was lovely.
829
00:43:56,802 --> 00:44:02,015
I learned this because
when I flew to Paris, my luggage was lost.
830
00:44:02,724 --> 00:44:04,017
All right? Yeah.
831
00:44:04,101 --> 00:44:08,522
Landed in the airport,
and bags were gone, didn't arrive.
832
00:44:08,605 --> 00:44:10,816
I discovered this at the carousel,
833
00:44:10,899 --> 00:44:13,443
which is a shitty thing
that airlines do to you.
834
00:44:14,361 --> 00:44:16,113
They know your bags are not coming.
835
00:44:18,365 --> 00:44:21,034
Yeah, they know where your bag is
every single moment.
836
00:44:21,827 --> 00:44:23,036
But they don't tell you.
837
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:25,205
They'll let you stand there like an idiot
838
00:44:25,914 --> 00:44:27,124
with hope in your heart.
839
00:44:29,042 --> 00:44:32,170
They could come to your seat
before take-off and be like,
840
00:44:32,254 --> 00:44:33,338
"It's not coming."
841
00:44:35,590 --> 00:44:37,134
"Spoiler alert."
842
00:44:38,677 --> 00:44:40,345
But they don't. [chuckles]
843
00:44:40,429 --> 00:44:43,515
They let you take off
with all that joy like an idiot.
844
00:44:43,598 --> 00:44:44,558
Whee!
845
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,018
I landed in Paris.
846
00:44:47,102 --> 00:44:49,312
Thought it was
the beginning of a great trip.
847
00:44:49,396 --> 00:44:52,107
I was skipping around.
I had my full-luggage swag,
848
00:44:52,190 --> 00:44:53,817
"I'm going get my bags,
849
00:44:53,900 --> 00:44:55,735
go into Paris, start exploring."
850
00:44:55,819 --> 00:44:57,279
Got to the carousel. I was like,
851
00:44:57,362 --> 00:44:59,239
"Mmm-mmm, full luggage swag."
852
00:44:59,322 --> 00:45:01,825
"That's right.
Let me get my luggage, everybody."
853
00:45:01,908 --> 00:45:03,660
I was like, "Excuse me."
854
00:45:03,785 --> 00:45:04,870
"Make space, please."
855
00:45:04,953 --> 00:45:06,955
"I would like to lean over the carousel."
856
00:45:07,038 --> 00:45:08,415
"Makes the bags come quicker."
857
00:45:08,498 --> 00:45:10,041
"Come on, lucky bag."
858
00:45:14,838 --> 00:45:16,882
I had full luggage swag.
859
00:45:16,965 --> 00:45:20,051
Bags started coming out
and I was standing there, judging them.
860
00:45:20,135 --> 00:45:22,262
"Ha-ha! Who still uses Samsonite?"
861
00:45:22,345 --> 00:45:23,638
[laughs]
862
00:45:24,222 --> 00:45:25,849
"Ah! Where's my bag?"
863
00:45:25,932 --> 00:45:28,018
Bags going around, going around,
864
00:45:28,101 --> 00:45:30,103
and then new bags stopped coming out.
865
00:45:30,187 --> 00:45:31,438
I started worrying.
866
00:45:32,564 --> 00:45:34,649
Then there were fewer and fewer bags.
867
00:45:35,192 --> 00:45:36,443
And I was like, "Oh, my bag..."
868
00:45:37,402 --> 00:45:38,528
"My bag's not coming."
869
00:45:39,905 --> 00:45:43,200
And I realized my bag hadn't arrived.
870
00:45:44,659 --> 00:45:47,037
It was terrible. I had the same feeling,
871
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:48,872
the same feeling I had as a child
872
00:45:49,539 --> 00:45:51,541
when my mom would forget me at school.
873
00:45:52,918 --> 00:45:53,960
Exactly the same.
874
00:45:54,044 --> 00:45:57,422
Standing at the carousel, felt like
I was ten years old again, like...
875
00:45:57,506 --> 00:45:59,674
[exaggeratedly imitates a child crying]
876
00:46:02,010 --> 00:46:05,764
[sobbing] "No, Mr. Wilkinson,
it's fine, you can go."
877
00:46:05,847 --> 00:46:08,558
"My mom's going to come.
Don't worry, you can go home."
878
00:46:08,642 --> 00:46:11,561
"She's coming. She wouldn't forget me."
879
00:46:11,645 --> 00:46:13,188
"No... She's..."
880
00:46:13,271 --> 00:46:15,815
"She's probably dead somewhere right now."
881
00:46:15,899 --> 00:46:19,194
"She's probably in a ditch lying dead."
882
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:24,074
[in normal voice] She forgot me.
883
00:46:25,075 --> 00:46:26,868
She'd forget me occasionally.
884
00:46:26,952 --> 00:46:28,662
And then I'd have to walk home.
885
00:46:28,745 --> 00:46:30,038
It was like an hour walk.
886
00:46:30,622 --> 00:46:32,499
[laughs] And I'd get home,
887
00:46:32,582 --> 00:46:35,001
and she'd always have
the same reaction when I walked in,
888
00:46:35,085 --> 00:46:36,503
'cause she worked from home.
889
00:46:36,586 --> 00:46:39,214
She'd have a little computer
where she'd be typing away,
890
00:46:39,297 --> 00:46:41,883
and I'd walk into the house
and I'll close the door like...
891
00:46:41,967 --> 00:46:44,386
Always the same reaction, she'll be like...
[gasps]
892
00:46:45,554 --> 00:46:49,015
"No, no, no, no, no, baby, no!
No, no, no, no! Oh!"
893
00:46:49,099 --> 00:46:50,141
"What time is it?"
894
00:46:50,225 --> 00:46:52,852
And I'll be like, "It's too late."
895
00:46:58,316 --> 00:47:01,570
I'm not going to lie.
I hated being forgotten at school,
896
00:47:01,653 --> 00:47:03,363
but I savored those moments.
897
00:47:04,114 --> 00:47:07,909
'Cause it wasn't any sweat,
to be honest. I liked walking.
898
00:47:07,993 --> 00:47:10,412
It's not like I was stressed on the walk.
899
00:47:11,079 --> 00:47:13,456
I'd be kicking stones,
singing on the way back.
900
00:47:13,540 --> 00:47:16,793
I'd get to the house
and be like, "No, wait a minute. Hmm."
901
00:47:18,587 --> 00:47:20,297
I loved it 'cause that was the one moment
902
00:47:20,380 --> 00:47:23,800
when I was allowed to give my mom
unlimited attitude with no repercussions.
903
00:47:23,883 --> 00:47:25,010
None.
904
00:47:25,093 --> 00:47:26,344
'Cause when I was a kid,
905
00:47:26,428 --> 00:47:28,722
you couldn't give attitude
to your parents.
906
00:47:28,805 --> 00:47:31,850
I wasn't a white child.
You know what I mean? You couldn't...
907
00:47:31,933 --> 00:47:33,143
I had to watch myself.
908
00:47:34,394 --> 00:47:36,396
But when she messed up, ooh, I loved it.
909
00:47:36,479 --> 00:47:38,189
She'd be like, "Can you forgive me, baby?"
910
00:47:38,273 --> 00:47:40,108
I'll be like, "I'll think about it."
911
00:47:44,821 --> 00:47:47,198
Now I had to find somebody to help me.
912
00:47:47,782 --> 00:47:48,992
I look around,
913
00:47:49,075 --> 00:47:51,870
there's an older
French gentleman standing on the side,
914
00:47:51,953 --> 00:47:53,788
gray hair, rosy cheeks,
915
00:47:53,872 --> 00:47:55,498
short little guy with glasses.
916
00:47:55,582 --> 00:47:57,083
So I walked over to him.
917
00:47:57,167 --> 00:47:58,710
And he was wearing a red vest.
918
00:47:59,252 --> 00:48:01,880
And in French, it read "Information,"
919
00:48:02,547 --> 00:48:04,090
and then underneath in English
920
00:48:04,174 --> 00:48:05,383
said, "Information."
921
00:48:06,801 --> 00:48:08,094
I was like, "Phew!"
922
00:48:10,764 --> 00:48:13,183
"Ah. Bonjour. Hello. Hi."
923
00:48:13,266 --> 00:48:15,477
He's like, "Hello. Bonjour."
924
00:48:15,560 --> 00:48:17,520
I said, "English, French?"
925
00:48:17,604 --> 00:48:19,105
Said, "English, yeah, oui."
926
00:48:19,189 --> 00:48:21,274
I said, "Could you help me, please?"
927
00:48:21,358 --> 00:48:23,985
"Um... My, um...
My luggage didn't arrive."
928
00:48:24,069 --> 00:48:26,821
"Um, I would like to know,
what do I need to do?"
929
00:48:26,905 --> 00:48:29,741
He's like, "There's your luggage...
It didn't come..."
930
00:48:29,824 --> 00:48:32,202
[incoherent English in French accent]
931
00:48:53,723 --> 00:48:56,184
[in normal voice] I was like, "Okay." Um...
932
00:48:56,267 --> 00:48:57,185
"All right."
933
00:48:58,144 --> 00:48:59,396
"Let's try French."
934
00:49:01,731 --> 00:49:04,025
"Let's, uh, see what happens."
935
00:49:06,194 --> 00:49:08,154
Finally, we figured it out.
936
00:49:08,947 --> 00:49:12,534
He sent me off to a special area
where you go and make a report.
937
00:49:13,118 --> 00:49:16,413
There's another French guy
behind the counter, much younger.
938
00:49:16,496 --> 00:49:18,915
He was maybe Algerian
or Moroccan of descent.
939
00:49:18,998 --> 00:49:20,834
Very French, very French. Cool guy.
940
00:49:20,917 --> 00:49:22,043
He's helping somebody.
941
00:49:22,127 --> 00:49:24,087
"Okay, thank you very much. Next, please."
942
00:49:24,170 --> 00:49:25,296
I walk up, "Hey, man."
943
00:49:25,380 --> 00:49:27,382
He's like,
"What's going on, my brother?"
944
00:49:27,465 --> 00:49:29,300
"How are you? What's up with you?"
945
00:49:29,384 --> 00:49:31,344
I was like, "I need your help, please."
946
00:49:31,428 --> 00:49:35,306
"My luggage, um, it didn't come.
It's, uh, lost."
947
00:49:35,390 --> 00:49:38,393
He's like, "Oh, no, dude,
your luggage didn't come."
948
00:49:38,476 --> 00:49:39,811
"Oh, man."
949
00:49:39,894 --> 00:49:41,020
"Did you look for it?"
950
00:49:44,566 --> 00:49:47,110
I said, "What?
Yeah, that's the first thing I did."
951
00:49:47,193 --> 00:49:48,903
"You think I'm here for company?"
952
00:49:48,987 --> 00:49:50,155
"Of course, that's..."
953
00:49:50,238 --> 00:49:51,823
He's like, "No. Just checking."
954
00:49:51,906 --> 00:49:53,867
"So, the bag is gone? It's totally..."
955
00:49:53,950 --> 00:49:54,826
I'm like, "Yeah."
956
00:49:54,909 --> 00:49:58,371
He's like, "Oh, man, that sucks, man,
I'm so sorry for you, man."
957
00:49:58,455 --> 00:49:59,581
"That's terrible."
958
00:50:00,165 --> 00:50:02,125
"Yeah. So, what do you want to do now?"
959
00:50:04,794 --> 00:50:06,045
"What do I want to do?"
960
00:50:06,671 --> 00:50:10,842
I said, "I would like
you to do something."
961
00:50:10,925 --> 00:50:13,011
"Can we make a report or something?"
962
00:50:13,094 --> 00:50:15,680
"You want to make
some paperwork or something?"
963
00:50:15,764 --> 00:50:18,975
"It's for your for your insurance
so they can pay you for it?"
964
00:50:19,058 --> 00:50:22,353
I said, "No, it's so that
you can find it and bring it to me."
965
00:50:22,437 --> 00:50:24,481
He's like, "Oh, don't worry, man."
966
00:50:24,564 --> 00:50:26,065
"We are not going to find it."
967
00:50:26,149 --> 00:50:27,025
"No, man."
968
00:50:27,776 --> 00:50:29,110
"Don't worry about that."
969
00:50:29,194 --> 00:50:30,904
"No. You know, it's Paris, man."
970
00:50:30,987 --> 00:50:33,573
"When the bags are gone,
they're probably gone."
971
00:50:33,656 --> 00:50:36,409
"They don't ever pop up.
Sometimes, if you're lucky."
972
00:50:36,493 --> 00:50:38,995
"But if it is not here by now,
it's probably gone."
973
00:50:39,078 --> 00:50:41,331
"It's Friday.
There are some strikes. Just..."
974
00:50:41,414 --> 00:50:44,334
"You can leave. Don't stress yourself.
You can go."
975
00:50:45,293 --> 00:50:46,920
It's like, "Don't even stress..."
976
00:50:47,003 --> 00:50:48,296
"Yo, It's my luggage."
977
00:50:48,922 --> 00:50:50,173
"That's all my clothes."
978
00:50:50,256 --> 00:50:52,133
He's like, "But you are in Paris."
979
00:50:52,217 --> 00:50:54,511
"You need clothes? This is Paris, man."
980
00:50:54,594 --> 00:50:56,721
"Come on, Paris, go and buy some clothes."
981
00:50:56,805 --> 00:50:58,807
"What's wrong with you, man? Chill."
982
00:50:59,390 --> 00:51:00,725
He was so confident,
983
00:51:01,601 --> 00:51:03,520
he made me feel like I was wrong.
984
00:51:04,854 --> 00:51:06,022
Like, I doubted myself.
985
00:51:06,105 --> 00:51:08,775
I walked away and I was like,
"Am I wrong?"
986
00:51:09,692 --> 00:51:11,486
"Am I too attached to my luggage?"
987
00:51:15,031 --> 00:51:17,867
He wasn't lying.
Paris has a great selection of clothing.
988
00:51:17,951 --> 00:51:19,494
I had to go and buy clothes
989
00:51:19,577 --> 00:51:21,746
because I had nothing
for my shows, for anything.
990
00:51:21,830 --> 00:51:24,666
And if you ever do go to Paris,
take some extra money
991
00:51:24,749 --> 00:51:26,960
for the clothes shopping. It's amazing.
992
00:51:27,043 --> 00:51:29,087
And try and also pack
993
00:51:29,170 --> 00:51:30,964
an extra pair of self-esteem.
994
00:51:32,757 --> 00:51:35,301
Yeah, you'll need it
when you shop with the French.
995
00:51:36,010 --> 00:51:38,137
'Cause they're not your friends.
996
00:51:38,221 --> 00:51:39,764
Yeah. I've never been to a country
997
00:51:39,848 --> 00:51:42,475
where you are truly on your own
when you're shopping.
998
00:51:42,559 --> 00:51:45,770
You walk into a store,
nobody helps you. Nothing.
999
00:51:45,854 --> 00:51:48,481
You don't know who works there,
who's doing anything.
1000
00:51:48,565 --> 00:51:50,733
Literally, it's like Undercover Employee.
1001
00:51:51,526 --> 00:51:53,403
Just walking around. [chuckles]
1002
00:51:53,486 --> 00:51:55,363
It was 20 minutes, nobody helped me.
1003
00:51:55,446 --> 00:51:57,240
Finally I started picking my own clothes,
1004
00:51:57,323 --> 00:52:00,493
and I heard an annoyed voice behind me.
"Can I help you?"
1005
00:52:01,077 --> 00:52:03,788
I was like, "Hi. Yes.
I need to get clothes, please."
1006
00:52:03,872 --> 00:52:05,206
"My luggage was lost."
1007
00:52:05,290 --> 00:52:07,166
And then, Detroit, I got roasted
1008
00:52:08,585 --> 00:52:11,462
more than I've ever
been roasted in my life. Ever.
1009
00:52:12,046 --> 00:52:14,799
Ever. Everything I chose
1010
00:52:15,508 --> 00:52:16,968
came with a scathing review.
1011
00:52:18,636 --> 00:52:21,764
I was like, "Yeah,
could I please, um, get this in a medium?"
1012
00:52:21,848 --> 00:52:25,143
He was like, "Medium?
No, you mean large or extra-large, no?"
1013
00:52:26,728 --> 00:52:28,980
"Yeah, no,
this one is medium for your body?"
1014
00:52:29,063 --> 00:52:30,356
"I don't think so, no?"
1015
00:52:31,316 --> 00:52:32,817
I was like, "I'm sorry, what?"
1016
00:52:32,901 --> 00:52:36,029
He's like, "I think you're a large.
I can bring that one for you."
1017
00:52:36,112 --> 00:52:38,239
"Medium is too much for the shirt, okay?"
1018
00:52:39,490 --> 00:52:41,075
[chuckling] I'm like, "What?"
1019
00:52:41,159 --> 00:52:42,702
Yo, everything, everything.
1020
00:52:43,286 --> 00:52:45,079
There was a jacket I wanted to buy.
1021
00:52:45,163 --> 00:52:46,289
"Could I get this?"
1022
00:52:46,372 --> 00:52:49,250
He's like, "No, this one
for your skin tone is not great."
1023
00:52:49,334 --> 00:52:52,921
"No, You have to think about
what is complementary for the colors
1024
00:52:53,004 --> 00:52:54,213
inside the fabric
1025
00:52:54,297 --> 00:52:56,132
and also inside your face, okay?"
1026
00:52:56,716 --> 00:52:58,593
"This one is not the best."
1027
00:52:58,676 --> 00:53:01,679
I was like, "Yo,
I already own something like this."
1028
00:53:01,763 --> 00:53:03,765
He's like, "Ah, and you're wearing it?"
1029
00:53:06,809 --> 00:53:07,894
"Well, not anymore."
1030
00:53:09,354 --> 00:53:11,147
"No, you can wear it if you want."
1031
00:53:11,230 --> 00:53:12,732
"C'est tranquille. Go ahead."
1032
00:53:12,815 --> 00:53:14,609
"No, you threatened me now."
1033
00:53:17,654 --> 00:53:20,073
You know what? It's just different.
1034
00:53:20,782 --> 00:53:24,035
A friend said to me,
"Dude, the French are assholes, right?"
1035
00:53:24,118 --> 00:53:26,287
I was like,
"I don't think that they're assholes."
1036
00:53:26,371 --> 00:53:28,498
"I think they're just very honest."
1037
00:53:29,040 --> 00:53:29,874
All right?
1038
00:53:29,958 --> 00:53:32,377
It's hard to tell
the difference between the two.
1039
00:53:34,045 --> 00:53:38,675
'Cause one day
I was speaking to a French woman
1040
00:53:38,758 --> 00:53:41,761
and I worked up the courage to ask her,
1041
00:53:42,553 --> 00:53:43,763
I said, "Hey, um..."
1042
00:53:45,098 --> 00:53:47,058
"Why are the French...
1043
00:53:48,017 --> 00:53:49,143
like this?"
1044
00:53:51,521 --> 00:53:53,189
And she said, "What do you mean?"
1045
00:53:53,272 --> 00:53:54,607
I said, "When you're in a store,
1046
00:53:54,691 --> 00:53:55,817
they seem very mean."
1047
00:53:55,900 --> 00:53:59,320
"No, they're not being mean.
They're just being themselves, no?"
1048
00:53:59,404 --> 00:54:03,282
"Maybe because you are used to
coming in a country where people,
1049
00:54:03,366 --> 00:54:06,035
they are so afraid
that you're not going to tip them,
1050
00:54:06,119 --> 00:54:07,870
that they are all on top of you."
1051
00:54:07,954 --> 00:54:09,455
"'Can I help you? Can I help you?'"
1052
00:54:09,539 --> 00:54:12,792
"But in France, we make sure
that everybody is getting a good salary."
1053
00:54:12,875 --> 00:54:13,751
"A good wage."
1054
00:54:13,835 --> 00:54:16,337
"So we are not,
you know, so stressed about that."
1055
00:54:16,421 --> 00:54:18,840
"In America, it's like,
'The customer is king.'"
1056
00:54:18,923 --> 00:54:21,175
"But in France,
you know what we do to kings."
1057
00:54:21,259 --> 00:54:22,093
"So, you know..."
1058
00:54:23,344 --> 00:54:24,595
"It's not the same here."
1059
00:54:30,935 --> 00:54:32,603
The French don't play that game.
1060
00:54:34,272 --> 00:54:36,315
You've been
so much fun tonight, Detroit.
1061
00:54:36,399 --> 00:54:37,525
Thank you.
1062
00:54:37,608 --> 00:54:39,068
[audience cheering]
1063
00:54:41,487 --> 00:54:42,530
Thank you so much.
1064
00:54:44,198 --> 00:54:45,533
Proved me right.
1065
00:54:45,616 --> 00:54:47,827
This is why you go to Detroit.
1066
00:54:47,910 --> 00:54:49,954
For real. It's an amazing audience.
1067
00:54:52,123 --> 00:54:53,708
Beautiful, diverse.
1068
00:54:56,627 --> 00:54:58,129
And the city's been cool, too.
1069
00:54:58,212 --> 00:55:00,465
We've been seeing
a few things here and there.
1070
00:55:00,548 --> 00:55:02,842
I had a fight with my friend Dave.
1071
00:55:02,925 --> 00:55:04,927
He directs these specials
1072
00:55:05,595 --> 00:55:07,388
and he said to me one day,
1073
00:55:07,472 --> 00:55:09,640
"Yo, what are you doing during the day?"
1074
00:55:09,724 --> 00:55:11,768
And I was, "Might go eat, do something."
1075
00:55:11,851 --> 00:55:15,271
He's like, "Dude, why don't we go
check out all the museums in Detroit?"
1076
00:55:15,354 --> 00:55:17,023
I was like, "Maybe like one."
1077
00:55:18,608 --> 00:55:19,984
He said, "What do you mean, one?"
1078
00:55:20,068 --> 00:55:22,236
I was like, "Yeah, not all.
What do you mean, all?"
1079
00:55:22,320 --> 00:55:24,781
He's like, "Dude,
have you been here before?"
1080
00:55:24,864 --> 00:55:27,033
"You know how many
amazing museums they got?"
1081
00:55:27,116 --> 00:55:29,160
"Yes, but it's still a museum."
1082
00:55:29,243 --> 00:55:31,037
"I'll do like one, and that's it."
1083
00:55:32,747 --> 00:55:35,792
"I don't have that much stamina.
I can't do as many as you."
1084
00:55:35,875 --> 00:55:38,711
"What do you mean
you can't do as many as me?"
1085
00:55:38,795 --> 00:55:41,672
"Dude, because you're white,
like, you enjoy doing that."
1086
00:55:43,049 --> 00:55:45,301
And I was just joking.
I was just teasing him.
1087
00:55:45,384 --> 00:55:46,385
Just teasing him.
1088
00:55:46,469 --> 00:55:48,930
He got so offended so quickly, right?
[laughs]
1089
00:55:49,472 --> 00:55:51,349
He's like, "What did you say?"
1090
00:55:52,934 --> 00:55:53,935
"Because you're..."
1091
00:55:54,018 --> 00:55:56,604
He's like, "Dude,
white people don't love museums."
1092
00:55:56,687 --> 00:55:58,773
"What are you even talking about?"
1093
00:55:58,856 --> 00:56:03,653
"Like, museums aren't even in the top
five things white people love, okay?"
1094
00:56:04,987 --> 00:56:07,532
He said it with such confidence.
1095
00:56:08,449 --> 00:56:10,326
and with such conviction,
1096
00:56:10,409 --> 00:56:12,245
I was like, "What is the top five?"
1097
00:56:13,412 --> 00:56:16,249
'Cause what a strange...
"That's not even in the top five."
1098
00:56:16,332 --> 00:56:19,168
Like, in his bedroom,
he has a list on the wall
1099
00:56:19,252 --> 00:56:20,753
of the top ten things.
1100
00:56:20,837 --> 00:56:22,171
[laughing] It was amazing.
1101
00:56:23,464 --> 00:56:25,633
I thought about it.
I was like, "No, it is."
1102
00:56:25,716 --> 00:56:27,135
"I stick with my decision."
1103
00:56:27,218 --> 00:56:28,094
Museums would be.
1104
00:56:28,177 --> 00:56:29,846
'Cause, no, it's not even a bad thing.
1105
00:56:29,929 --> 00:56:31,264
White people love museums.
1106
00:56:32,056 --> 00:56:33,724
A lot of people enjoy museums,
1107
00:56:33,808 --> 00:56:37,603
but white people love museums.
1108
00:56:37,687 --> 00:56:38,896
Love museums.
1109
00:56:38,980 --> 00:56:40,731
There's not a single place on Earth
1110
00:56:40,815 --> 00:56:43,151
where white people have settled
and not built a museum.
1111
00:56:43,234 --> 00:56:45,778
It doesn't matter.
White people love museums.
1112
00:56:45,862 --> 00:56:47,780
You ever seen
white people in a museum?
1113
00:56:47,864 --> 00:56:50,741
Walking around smiling
with their hands behind their back?
1114
00:56:57,415 --> 00:56:58,958
"Yep, that was us."
1115
00:57:00,418 --> 00:57:01,752
"That was us, too."
1116
00:57:03,004 --> 00:57:04,505
"It's been a good run."
1117
00:57:06,090 --> 00:57:08,134
White people love museums.
1118
00:57:08,634 --> 00:57:11,637
I wouldn't put it at number one,
but it'd be in the top five.
1119
00:57:12,180 --> 00:57:13,139
I thought about it.
1120
00:57:13,222 --> 00:57:15,308
If there were
top five things white people love,
1121
00:57:15,391 --> 00:57:17,226
I'd put museums at number five.
1122
00:57:17,310 --> 00:57:20,396
At number four,
I'd put swimming. All right?
1123
00:57:20,479 --> 00:57:22,190
'Cause white people love swimming.
1124
00:57:22,273 --> 00:57:24,734
Nothing wrong with that.
Have you seen white people swim?
1125
00:57:24,817 --> 00:57:26,235
You look stunning.
1126
00:57:26,319 --> 00:57:27,612
Stunning.
1127
00:57:27,695 --> 00:57:30,114
When white people swim,
you do that thing with your hair.
1128
00:57:30,198 --> 00:57:31,532
You come out of the water, like...
1129
00:57:31,616 --> 00:57:33,367
[imitates whooshing]
1130
00:57:33,451 --> 00:57:35,369
Just go perfectly back like a duck.
1131
00:57:37,914 --> 00:57:39,290
I would love swimming, too.
1132
00:57:39,999 --> 00:57:41,584
White people love swimming.
1133
00:57:41,667 --> 00:57:44,045
White people love swimming so much,
1134
00:57:44,128 --> 00:57:46,380
that they made it
that you can win more medals
1135
00:57:46,464 --> 00:57:48,341
at the Olympics, swimming,
1136
00:57:48,424 --> 00:57:49,759
than any other discipline.
1137
00:57:51,260 --> 00:57:53,804
Yeah, that's how much
white people love swimming.
1138
00:57:54,305 --> 00:57:55,515
I realized this one day.
1139
00:57:55,598 --> 00:57:59,227
There was an argument going on about
who the greatest Olympian of all time is.
1140
00:57:59,310 --> 00:58:02,146
And the final two was Michael Phelps
1141
00:58:02,813 --> 00:58:03,981
and Usain Bolt.
1142
00:58:04,565 --> 00:58:06,192
And then one of the arguments was,
1143
00:58:06,275 --> 00:58:09,237
"Well, Michael Phelps is better
because he has more medals."
1144
00:58:09,320 --> 00:58:11,531
And I was like,
"Yeah, because he cheated."
1145
00:58:12,198 --> 00:58:13,866
"He won them swimming."
1146
00:58:14,951 --> 00:58:16,744
I'm not saying
Michael Phelps is not great.
1147
00:58:16,827 --> 00:58:19,247
I'm saying you can't count
the medals in the argument.
1148
00:58:19,330 --> 00:58:21,541
Because in swimming
it's the only discipline
1149
00:58:21,624 --> 00:58:23,751
where you win more medals
for doing the same thing
1150
00:58:23,834 --> 00:58:26,170
in a slightly less efficient manner.
1151
00:58:27,421 --> 00:58:28,506
It makes no sense.
1152
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:32,760
Think about it. It's like,
"100-meter freestyle."
1153
00:58:32,843 --> 00:58:33,678
[imitates beep]
1154
00:58:33,761 --> 00:58:34,929
[panting]
1155
00:58:37,390 --> 00:58:38,432
Done. Gold medal.
1156
00:58:38,516 --> 00:58:40,017
Yeah. And now this.
1157
00:58:46,107 --> 00:58:47,233
Another medal. Yeah.
1158
00:58:47,316 --> 00:58:48,234
And this one?
1159
00:58:54,365 --> 00:58:56,534
Another medal. But what about this one?
1160
00:59:01,455 --> 00:59:02,290
Another medal.
1161
00:59:02,373 --> 00:59:04,959
That's some bullshit.
I don't care what anyone says.
1162
00:59:05,918 --> 00:59:07,962
You can't win more medals.
1163
00:59:10,881 --> 00:59:13,050
Usain Bolt doesn't have that luxury.
1164
00:59:13,884 --> 00:59:16,721
When Usain Bolt runs,
it's the 100-meter and it's done.
1165
00:59:16,804 --> 00:59:18,306
"On your marks, set..."
1166
00:59:18,389 --> 00:59:19,849
Run, run, run, run.
1167
00:59:19,932 --> 00:59:22,059
Get to the end, win, gold medal.
1168
00:59:22,143 --> 00:59:23,102
That's it.
1169
00:59:23,185 --> 00:59:24,520
He can't turn around like,
1170
00:59:24,604 --> 00:59:27,815
"Amazing race. And now
I'm going to do it butterfly style."
1171
00:59:35,489 --> 00:59:36,616
It's not a thing.
1172
00:59:38,451 --> 00:59:40,661
I mean, it should be, but it's not.
1173
00:59:44,957 --> 00:59:48,085
White people love swimming,
so they made up the rule. I get it.
1174
00:59:49,211 --> 00:59:51,047
It would have to be, yeah.
1175
00:59:51,130 --> 00:59:54,050
Of my top five things,
I'd go museums at number five,
1176
00:59:54,133 --> 00:59:55,843
swimming at number four.
1177
00:59:55,926 --> 00:59:57,136
Number three,
1178
00:59:57,219 --> 00:59:58,429
being flabbergasted.
1179
01:00:00,431 --> 01:00:03,059
White people love
being flabbergasted. Come on.
1180
01:00:03,142 --> 01:00:05,227
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
1181
01:00:05,811 --> 01:00:08,689
Have you ever seen
when a white person's having a bad day,
1182
01:00:08,773 --> 01:00:09,982
something's gone wrong,
1183
01:00:10,066 --> 01:00:13,027
they do that thing with their face,
get flabbergasted like...
1184
01:00:23,621 --> 01:00:25,539
White people love being flabbergasted.
1185
01:00:26,457 --> 01:00:28,584
You'll see it
in supermarkets all the time.
1186
01:00:28,668 --> 01:00:30,795
There's like a long line. All right?
1187
01:00:31,337 --> 01:00:33,464
But only one cashier is open.
[chuckles]
1188
01:00:34,340 --> 01:00:35,549
Everyone's standing patiently.
1189
01:00:35,633 --> 01:00:38,386
There's always
one white person who pops out like...
1190
01:00:42,807 --> 01:00:45,142
"Why don't they open the other..."
1191
01:00:45,226 --> 01:00:46,477
"Are you serious?"
1192
01:00:46,560 --> 01:00:48,646
"What are they... Are you..."
1193
01:00:49,939 --> 01:00:51,816
The only thing white people love more
1194
01:00:51,899 --> 01:00:54,193
is finding another
white person to flabbergast with.
1195
01:00:54,276 --> 01:00:55,194
Have you seen that?
1196
01:00:57,321 --> 01:00:59,448
Yo, whenever that happens, magic.
1197
01:00:59,532 --> 01:01:01,200
It is absolute magic.
1198
01:01:01,283 --> 01:01:03,577
A white person will be flabbergasting.
1199
01:01:03,661 --> 01:01:05,746
They'll make eye contact
with another white person,
1200
01:01:05,830 --> 01:01:07,748
and then they'll flabbergast together.
1201
01:01:07,832 --> 01:01:11,252
It's like they Voltron their
flabbergasting into a super flabbergast.
1202
01:01:11,335 --> 01:01:13,796
You see them look over. "You see this?"
1203
01:01:13,879 --> 01:01:14,714
"I know."
1204
01:01:18,592 --> 01:01:22,596
[sighing]
1205
01:01:22,680 --> 01:01:24,765
That's one of the keys to flabbergasting.
1206
01:01:24,849 --> 01:01:26,726
You have to exhale. Let it all out.
1207
01:01:26,809 --> 01:01:29,103
Life is so hard
that the air has to leave your body.
1208
01:01:29,186 --> 01:01:30,771
You can no longer even breathe.
1209
01:01:30,855 --> 01:01:33,149
[sighing heavily]
1210
01:01:33,899 --> 01:01:36,485
That's why there's
so many tornadoes in the Midwest.
1211
01:01:36,569 --> 01:01:38,487
It's just white people flabbergasting...
1212
01:01:38,571 --> 01:01:40,990
[sighing vigorously]
1213
01:01:47,204 --> 01:01:49,582
White people love being flabbergasted.
1214
01:01:50,708 --> 01:01:52,710
Has to be. Has to be top five.
1215
01:01:52,793 --> 01:01:55,254
That would be my list.
Top five things white people love.
1216
01:01:55,337 --> 01:01:56,839
I've got museums at number five.
1217
01:01:56,922 --> 01:01:59,216
All right, swimming at number four.
1218
01:01:59,300 --> 01:02:01,385
Being flabbergasted, number three.
1219
01:02:01,469 --> 01:02:03,012
Number two, being white.
1220
01:02:04,597 --> 01:02:06,557
It's a sweet gig. I don't blame you.
1221
01:02:07,808 --> 01:02:09,310
And then there's number one.
1222
01:02:09,393 --> 01:02:12,855
And look, this is my personal list.
I'm not dictating anything.
1223
01:02:12,938 --> 01:02:15,316
If you don't agree, make your own, right?
1224
01:02:15,399 --> 01:02:17,109
It's a personal preference.
1225
01:02:17,193 --> 01:02:18,652
But there is one thing,
1226
01:02:19,320 --> 01:02:20,488
and one thing alone,
1227
01:02:21,363 --> 01:02:25,993
that white people love
more than anything on this planet.
1228
01:02:28,204 --> 01:02:29,622
"Sweet Caroline."
1229
01:02:37,713 --> 01:02:39,465
Let me tell you something, Detroit.
1230
01:02:39,548 --> 01:02:43,010
There is nothing that brings more joy
1231
01:02:44,178 --> 01:02:45,888
to the soul of a white person
1232
01:02:46,889 --> 01:02:49,016
than the sounds of that Neil Diamond song.
1233
01:02:51,727 --> 01:02:53,562
I don't care where it is.
1234
01:02:53,646 --> 01:02:55,815
I've been on every continent,
1235
01:02:55,898 --> 01:02:57,066
in many countries.
1236
01:02:57,149 --> 01:02:59,193
When that song plays,
1237
01:02:59,276 --> 01:03:02,238
you see white people's eyes light up...
1238
01:03:04,990 --> 01:03:07,493
like sleeper agents
who've just been activated.
1239
01:03:11,372 --> 01:03:13,249
It happens every time, without fail.
1240
01:03:13,332 --> 01:03:15,376
Every single time.
1241
01:03:16,252 --> 01:03:18,921
It's not about music,
other songs will be playing.
1242
01:03:19,004 --> 01:03:21,799
They'll be at a cookout
or a baseball game,
1243
01:03:21,882 --> 01:03:23,509
a company event.
1244
01:03:23,592 --> 01:03:26,595
All the other songs are in the background.
They pay them no heed.
1245
01:03:26,679 --> 01:03:28,931
But when that song kicks in,
1246
01:03:29,014 --> 01:03:31,475
it taps into the very DNA of whiteness.
1247
01:03:31,559 --> 01:03:33,018
I don't know what it is.
1248
01:03:34,061 --> 01:03:35,980
But it interrupts everything else.
1249
01:03:36,063 --> 01:03:38,107
You'll see white people hanging out.
1250
01:03:38,190 --> 01:03:39,441
They'll be like, "Yeah,
1251
01:03:39,525 --> 01:03:41,360
business, mergers and acquisitions."
1252
01:03:41,443 --> 01:03:42,778
"It's one of those things."
1253
01:03:42,862 --> 01:03:44,488
"I know, we should circle back."
1254
01:03:44,572 --> 01:03:47,032
"Let's put a pin in it." [blabbering]
1255
01:03:48,868 --> 01:03:50,703
And that song comes in,
1256
01:03:50,786 --> 01:03:52,329
and every single time...
1257
01:03:52,413 --> 01:03:54,915
You think it won't happen.
It always creeps in.
1258
01:03:54,999 --> 01:03:57,418
It always seems like it won't happen.
1259
01:03:57,501 --> 01:03:59,378
But it's always the same, just like...
1260
01:03:59,461 --> 01:04:04,884
♪ Hands, touchin' hands ♪
1261
01:04:05,634 --> 01:04:10,180
♪ Reachin' out, touchin' me ♪
1262
01:04:10,264 --> 01:04:13,934
♪ Touchin' you
Pum, pum, pum ♪
1263
01:04:14,018 --> 01:04:16,645
♪ Sweet Caroline ♪
1264
01:04:16,729 --> 01:04:18,522
[audience humming the tune]
1265
01:04:18,606 --> 01:04:20,482
See, I didn't tell you to join in.
1266
01:04:25,779 --> 01:04:27,656
I didn't say, "All together now."
1267
01:04:28,532 --> 01:04:30,034
Or, "On the count of three."
1268
01:04:30,117 --> 01:04:32,119
That was just your whiteness coming out.
1269
01:04:32,202 --> 01:04:33,287
Did you feel that?
1270
01:04:34,246 --> 01:04:35,080
Huh?
1271
01:04:35,164 --> 01:04:37,750
That was just you.
You were like, "This is it!"
1272
01:04:37,833 --> 01:04:39,668
"This is our moment!"
1273
01:04:39,752 --> 01:04:41,003
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
1274
01:04:41,086 --> 01:04:44,089
♪ I'm white, white, white, white ♪
1275
01:04:44,173 --> 01:04:45,507
♪ White, white ♪
1276
01:04:48,552 --> 01:04:51,680
Look at you right now.
You're beaming! Look at your face.
1277
01:04:51,764 --> 01:04:53,641
Look at you. Look at that joy.
1278
01:04:53,724 --> 01:04:56,060
Ten minutes ago,
"I don't know about this guy."
1279
01:04:56,143 --> 01:04:58,312
Now you're like, "Best comedian ever!"
1280
01:05:00,481 --> 01:05:01,982
Don't ever lose that joy.
1281
01:05:02,733 --> 01:05:04,026
None of you white people.
1282
01:05:04,109 --> 01:05:06,362
You hold on to it. It is a treasure.
1283
01:05:06,445 --> 01:05:08,864
It is the most
adorable thing in the world.
1284
01:05:09,907 --> 01:05:12,910
Nothing makes white people
happier than that song. Nothing.
1285
01:05:12,993 --> 01:05:15,746
That song is pure, uncut Caucasian joy.
1286
01:05:15,829 --> 01:05:17,456
That's what that song is.
1287
01:05:19,208 --> 01:05:20,918
White people cannot resist it.
1288
01:05:22,002 --> 01:05:23,754
Yeah, forget 23andMe.
1289
01:05:23,837 --> 01:05:26,423
If you want to know
how much white you have in you,
1290
01:05:26,507 --> 01:05:27,675
play that song.
1291
01:05:27,758 --> 01:05:29,927
The louder you respond,
the whiter you are.
1292
01:05:30,469 --> 01:05:31,887
I just saved you some money.
1293
01:05:33,389 --> 01:05:35,516
There's no white person I've seen...
1294
01:05:35,599 --> 01:05:38,310
It is the Marco to your Polo.
That's what that song is.
1295
01:05:39,186 --> 01:05:40,104
I'll tell you,
1296
01:05:40,187 --> 01:05:43,190
if there was ever, like,
a giant earthquake, God forbid,
1297
01:05:43,273 --> 01:05:45,442
and people were
trapped beneath the rubble,
1298
01:05:47,194 --> 01:05:49,363
I'd volunteer to find
all the white people.
1299
01:05:50,572 --> 01:05:52,783
I'll be like,
"You guys find everybody else."
1300
01:05:52,866 --> 01:05:54,326
"I got this. I got this!"
1301
01:05:56,161 --> 01:05:59,039
♪ "Sweet Caroline" ♪
1302
01:05:59,123 --> 01:06:00,541
"I found another one!"
1303
01:06:02,376 --> 01:06:03,335
"You okay, man?"
1304
01:06:03,419 --> 01:06:05,421
[coughs to the beat of "Sweet Caroline"]
1305
01:06:08,090 --> 01:06:09,842
Right now some of you are like,
1306
01:06:09,925 --> 01:06:13,262
"Trevor, we like that song,
but it's not the most important to us."
1307
01:06:13,345 --> 01:06:16,056
Yeah? Then how come
you didn't help me sing the anthem?
1308
01:06:17,891 --> 01:06:19,476
Detroit, you have been amazing.
1309
01:06:19,560 --> 01:06:20,728
Thank you so much.
1310
01:06:23,647 --> 01:06:25,899
I had such a great time with all of you.
1311
01:06:26,483 --> 01:06:27,776
I appreciate you.
1312
01:06:28,610 --> 01:06:29,903
Good night.
1313
01:06:33,198 --> 01:06:35,617
["Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond playing]
1314
01:06:47,546 --> 01:06:50,257
♪ Where it began ♪
1315
01:06:51,258 --> 01:06:54,011
♪ I can't begin to know when ♪
1316
01:06:55,012 --> 01:06:59,016
♪ But then I know it's growing strong ♪
1317
01:07:02,770 --> 01:07:04,480
♪ Was in the spring... ♪
1318
01:07:05,689 --> 01:07:06,690
[music stops]
1319
01:07:07,775 --> 01:07:10,944
- [sighs in relief]
- [man] How'd we do?
1320
01:07:11,028 --> 01:07:12,488
It works every time, Neil Diamond.
1321
01:07:12,571 --> 01:07:13,864
[chuckling] All right.
1322
01:07:13,947 --> 01:07:15,074
It works every time.
1323
01:07:15,157 --> 01:07:16,450
[chuckles]
1324
01:07:17,659 --> 01:07:22,247
♪ Sweet Caroline
Pum, pum, pum ♪
1325
01:07:22,331 --> 01:07:26,043
♪ Good times never seemed so good ♪
1326
01:07:28,629 --> 01:07:32,007
♪ I've been inclined ♪
1327
01:07:33,717 --> 01:07:37,221
♪ To believe they never would ♪
1328
01:07:37,304 --> 01:07:42,726
♪ But now I look at the night ♪
1329
01:07:45,104 --> 01:07:47,773
♪ And it don't seem so lonely ♪
1330
01:07:48,816 --> 01:07:52,820
♪ We fill it up with only two ♪
1331
01:07:56,365 --> 01:07:58,242
♪ And when I hurt ♪
1332
01:08:00,119 --> 01:08:03,288
♪ Hurtin' runs off my shoulders... ♪
1333
01:08:04,081 --> 01:08:05,290
Thank you so much.
1334
01:08:05,374 --> 01:08:07,334
That was fantastic. Thank you so much.
1335
01:08:10,504 --> 01:08:13,340
♪ Sweet Caroline... ♪