1
00:00:06,083 --> 00:00:11,083
[audience chattering]

2
00:00:12,243 --> 00:00:15,043
[audience cheering and whistling]

3
00:00:29,123 --> 00:00:30,243
Hello.

4
00:00:31,163 --> 00:00:32,643
Thank you. [clears throat]

5
00:00:33,523 --> 00:00:35,163
Thank you. Thank you very much.

6
00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:36,443
-Cheers. Thank you.
-[man 1] Whoo!

7
00:00:36,523 --> 00:00:38,483
No. Shh. That's-- You've--

8
00:00:38,563 --> 00:00:39,563
-Thank you.
-[man 1 yells]

9
00:00:39,643 --> 00:00:42,083
-No, you know the score.
-[man 1 yells]

10
00:00:42,163 --> 00:00:44,683
-Shut the fuck up.
-[audience laughing]

11
00:00:44,763 --> 00:00:45,803
Thank you.

12
00:00:45,883 --> 00:00:47,283
Welcome to my new show.

13
00:00:47,363 --> 00:00:49,843
So new, in fact, it's still evolving.

14
00:00:49,923 --> 00:00:52,443
I've got bits tonight
I haven't done before, right?

15
00:00:52,523 --> 00:00:53,483
[audience cheering]

16
00:00:53,563 --> 00:00:56,483
If I ad-lib,
I haven't even thought it before.

17
00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:59,123
And I have some terrible fucking thoughts.

18
00:00:59,203 --> 00:01:00,483
[audience laughing]

19
00:01:00,563 --> 00:01:03,163
But you can't help that, can you?
You can't choose your thoughts.

20
00:01:03,243 --> 00:01:04,923
They just appear. It's too late.

21
00:01:05,003 --> 00:01:07,723
You have a thought, and it goes,
"I'm a thought."

22
00:01:07,803 --> 00:01:10,123
And you go, "Oh fuck, I thought that."

23
00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:11,763
[audience laughing]

24
00:01:11,843 --> 00:01:14,883
And then, sometimes,
the thought will go, "Now say it."

25
00:01:14,963 --> 00:01:16,963
[audience laughing]

26
00:01:17,043 --> 00:01:18,803
And I say it, and…

27
00:01:18,883 --> 00:01:19,963
Netflix.

28
00:01:20,043 --> 00:01:22,603
[audience laughing]

29
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,723
My last show, SuperNature,
dropped on Netflix last year.

30
00:01:25,803 --> 00:01:27,883
-Um, big backlash, wasn't there?
-[audience cheering]

31
00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:31,923
Big-- Oh, big backlash.
People going, "You can't say that."

32
00:01:32,003 --> 00:01:35,203
-You can. You can.
-[audience laughing]

33
00:01:35,283 --> 00:01:36,603
I did. Um…

34
00:01:36,683 --> 00:01:39,323
[audience cheering and whistling]

35
00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:43,523
Yeah, the inevitable backlash,

36
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,843
which made it the most-watched special
of the year, so…

37
00:01:45,923 --> 00:01:47,283
[audience laughing]

38
00:01:47,363 --> 00:01:49,563
-I've learned my lesson. Um…
-[audience laughing]

39
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,003
No, I have learned my lesson,

40
00:01:51,083 --> 00:01:54,523
and that's why I'm going to be woke
from now on.

41
00:01:54,603 --> 00:01:57,243
-[audience laughing and booing]
-It's about time. Well, I'm sorry.

42
00:01:57,323 --> 00:01:58,163
Well, I am woke.

43
00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:01,963
And now I'm woke, the first thing
I've gotta do is change my Twitter bio.

44
00:02:02,043 --> 00:02:04,923
'Cause at the moment, it's, like,
a list of the shows I've created.

45
00:02:05,003 --> 00:02:08,683
But now I'm woke,
I've gotta pop in the word "anti-fascist"…

46
00:02:09,203 --> 00:02:11,883
-[audience laughing]
-…so people know I'm not a fascist,

47
00:02:11,963 --> 00:02:15,603
'cause that is a big problem
at the moment. Um…

48
00:02:15,683 --> 00:02:19,363
People come up to you and go, "Rick,
have you been imprisoning journalists?"

49
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,763
I go, "No." They go, "Oh, interesting."

50
00:02:22,283 --> 00:02:23,363
[audience laughing]

51
00:02:23,443 --> 00:02:26,403
They go, "Have you been gassing Jews?"
I go, "No."

52
00:02:26,483 --> 00:02:28,603
They go, "Pop it in your bio then,
you silly cunt."

53
00:02:28,683 --> 00:02:31,723
[audience laughing]

54
00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:33,123
[scattered applause]

55
00:02:37,043 --> 00:02:38,723
So, yeah, I'm not a fascist.

56
00:02:38,803 --> 00:02:41,523
It's an odd thing to declare, isn't it,
that you're not a fascist?

57
00:02:41,603 --> 00:02:42,563
We assume, don't we?

58
00:02:42,643 --> 00:02:45,283
You wouldn't go up to someone
in the street and do that, would you?

59
00:02:45,363 --> 00:02:47,443
"Oh, by the way,
I'm not a fascist." You know?

60
00:02:47,523 --> 00:02:49,603
-[audience laughing]
-It's like they protest too much.

61
00:02:49,683 --> 00:02:52,603
It's like going into a school and going,
"I'm not a pedo."

62
00:02:52,683 --> 00:02:56,483
-"So just forget I even mentioned it."
-[audience laughing]

63
00:02:56,563 --> 00:02:59,683
"These kids are safe running around me.
Don't worry." [laughs]

64
00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:02,203
"They can run around naked
for all I care."

65
00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:05,283
-"I'm not a pedo, so…"
-[audience laughing]

66
00:03:08,603 --> 00:03:12,963
Of course, the word "fascist" has changed.
Traditionally, the word "fascist"

67
00:03:13,043 --> 00:03:16,083
meant a member of a far-right
authoritarian regime

68
00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:20,603
that uses militarism and violence
to suppress individual rights.

69
00:03:20,683 --> 00:03:24,843
Now the word "fascist" can mean
"liked a Joe Rogan tweet."

70
00:03:24,923 --> 00:03:26,803
-So…
-[audience laughing]

71
00:03:26,883 --> 00:03:28,883
…words change, yeah?

72
00:03:28,963 --> 00:03:32,203
And that's part of the reason
I'm gonna become woke.

73
00:03:32,283 --> 00:03:35,363
Words change, and I don't wanna be
left behind, you know.

74
00:03:35,443 --> 00:03:38,723
I don't wanna end up
like my granddad in the '70s. Oh.

75
00:03:38,803 --> 00:03:42,363
He was all like, "coloreds" this
and "queers" that. [groans]

76
00:03:42,443 --> 00:03:46,323
Although the word "queer"
is all right again now, so…

77
00:03:46,843 --> 00:03:48,923
If you wait long enough,
it just goes full circle.

78
00:03:49,003 --> 00:03:50,923
-Just…
-[audience laughing]

79
00:03:51,003 --> 00:03:53,923
-Just be patient is my ad--
-[audience laughing]

80
00:03:55,003 --> 00:03:57,003
So, yeah, you can…
you can use the word "queer" now.

81
00:03:57,083 --> 00:04:00,123
You still can't use it as a noun,
only as an adjective.

82
00:04:00,203 --> 00:04:02,483
You can't go up to someone
and go, "You're a queer,"

83
00:04:02,563 --> 00:04:05,683
but you can go,
"Hear about Darren? He's queer now."

84
00:04:05,763 --> 00:04:06,803
[audience laughing]

85
00:04:08,923 --> 00:04:11,003
If Darren is definitely bent.

86
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:12,723
[audience laughing]

87
00:04:12,803 --> 00:04:15,403
You can't go around
just slagging off Darren willy-nilly.

88
00:04:15,483 --> 00:04:16,923
Do you know what I mean? You can--

89
00:04:17,003 --> 00:04:20,523
You can get sued in this country
for saying someone's gay if they're not,

90
00:04:20,603 --> 00:04:22,483
you know, which is a homophobic law,

91
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:24,923
'cause you can't be sued
the other way around.

92
00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:28,683
You can't be sued
for saying someone's not gay if they are,

93
00:04:28,763 --> 00:04:31,643
which seems unfair, doesn't it?

94
00:04:31,723 --> 00:04:34,483
Like, I could go up
to Britain's biggest gay and go,

95
00:04:34,563 --> 00:04:36,203
"All right, Elton." All right?

96
00:04:36,283 --> 00:04:38,443
-And--
-[audience laughing]

97
00:04:38,523 --> 00:04:41,803
He'd love that. He'd fucking love that.

98
00:04:41,883 --> 00:04:45,563
If that's your game,
you wanna be top of the pile, so to speak.

99
00:04:45,643 --> 00:04:46,723
Right?

100
00:04:46,803 --> 00:04:48,923
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

101
00:04:50,723 --> 00:04:53,203
I'd go, "All right, Elton?"
He'd go, "Yeah." I'd go,

102
00:04:53,283 --> 00:04:55,243
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

103
00:04:55,723 --> 00:04:58,163
♪ Ha-ha
You're not a gay ♪

104
00:04:58,243 --> 00:05:00,883
-[audience laughing]
-He'd go, "I bloody am." All right?

105
00:05:00,963 --> 00:05:02,203
He'd go, "I'm gonna sue you."

106
00:05:02,283 --> 00:05:04,603
-I'd go, "You can't. You can't."
-[audience laughing]

107
00:05:04,683 --> 00:05:07,603
He'd go, "But know that I am gay."
I go, "I don't believe you are."

108
00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:10,683
He'd go, "Come home with me and see
the shit I do if you don't believe me."

109
00:05:10,763 --> 00:05:12,883
[audience laughing]

110
00:05:15,443 --> 00:05:18,003
Of course, the word "queer" has changed.

111
00:05:18,083 --> 00:05:21,603
Again, traditionally,
the word "queer" used to mean

112
00:05:21,683 --> 00:05:25,643
uh, someone who was attracted
to the same sex as themselves.

113
00:05:25,723 --> 00:05:26,723
A gay man, all right?

114
00:05:26,803 --> 00:05:31,483
Now, the word "queer" can mean
a straight man who wants some attention.

115
00:05:31,563 --> 00:05:35,243
[audience laughing]

116
00:05:35,323 --> 00:05:37,043
"I'm all queer. I'm all queer now."

117
00:05:37,123 --> 00:05:37,963
"Are you?"

118
00:05:38,043 --> 00:05:40,323
"Yeah, I'm ri-- I'm--"

119
00:05:40,403 --> 00:05:42,803
-"I'm right queer now, I am."
-[audience laughing]

120
00:05:42,883 --> 00:05:45,963
"Are you?" "Yeah."
"What about your girlfriend?"

121
00:05:46,043 --> 00:05:48,843
-"Yeah, she's queer and all. We're just…"
-[audience laughing]

122
00:05:48,923 --> 00:05:50,963
"We're just two queers
queering each other up."

123
00:05:51,043 --> 00:05:53,283
[audience laughing]

124
00:05:53,363 --> 00:05:55,003
"Suck a cock." "Nah."

125
00:05:55,083 --> 00:05:56,803
[audience laughing]

126
00:05:56,883 --> 00:05:58,243
"No, didn't think so."

127
00:05:59,323 --> 00:06:00,603
"I'm not that sort of queer."

128
00:06:00,683 --> 00:06:03,203
[groans] "What sort of a queer are you?"

129
00:06:03,283 --> 00:06:04,763
"Dyed my hair blue."

130
00:06:04,843 --> 00:06:05,883
[audience laughing]

131
00:06:05,963 --> 00:06:08,083
"So did my grandmother
and she fucking loved cock."

132
00:06:08,163 --> 00:06:11,243
-"So, what-- What are we saying?"
-[audience laughing]

133
00:06:11,323 --> 00:06:14,163
-[Gervais laughs]
-[audience clapping and cheering]

134
00:06:14,763 --> 00:06:16,483
I have no evidence for that.

135
00:06:16,563 --> 00:06:17,683
[audience laughing]

136
00:06:17,763 --> 00:06:19,923
We… We never had that conversation.

137
00:06:20,003 --> 00:06:22,363
-[man 2 yells]
-[Gervais laughs]

138
00:06:22,963 --> 00:06:25,483
So words change is my point.

139
00:06:25,563 --> 00:06:27,403
Like the word "handicapped." All right?

140
00:06:27,483 --> 00:06:30,443
Again, traditionally,
that was the politically correct term,

141
00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:33,603
the all-inclusive term
for cripples and shit, right?

142
00:06:33,683 --> 00:06:35,283
-Uh--
-[audience laughing]

143
00:06:35,363 --> 00:06:37,883
But then, they went,
"No, we wanna be disabled."

144
00:06:37,963 --> 00:06:39,603
They didn't wanna be disabled. They said--

145
00:06:39,683 --> 00:06:41,803
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs] They said-- They said--

146
00:06:41,883 --> 00:06:43,443
[laughs]

147
00:06:43,523 --> 00:06:46,243
They said,
"We wanna be referred to as 'disabled.'"

148
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,323
"We don't like the term
'handicapped' anymore."

149
00:06:48,403 --> 00:06:51,363
"Stop using it. Say 'disabled.'"
We went, "Fine." And that's great.

150
00:06:51,443 --> 00:06:54,283
Just tell me the rules and I'll--
In fact, I'm a stickler for the rules.

151
00:06:54,363 --> 00:06:57,523
Like, if I was on a beach
and a woman came running and went,

152
00:06:57,603 --> 00:06:59,923
"Help! Help!
My handicapped toddler's drowning!"

153
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:02,243
I'd go, "Sorry your what, love? What?"

154
00:07:02,323 --> 00:07:03,363
[audience laughing]

155
00:07:03,443 --> 00:07:05,843
"My handicapped toddler's drowning,
and he can't swim."

156
00:07:05,923 --> 00:07:09,563
"Whoa. Do you mean
your disabled toddler is drowning?"

157
00:07:09,643 --> 00:07:12,323
"Yeah." I go,
"Right. Well, let's-- Oh, dead."

158
00:07:12,403 --> 00:07:14,283
-[audience laughing]
-Dead.

159
00:07:14,363 --> 00:07:17,243
Wasted too much time being woke, didn't I?

160
00:07:17,323 --> 00:07:19,323
[audience laughing]

161
00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:22,683
Well, I am woke now, and I can prove it.

162
00:07:22,763 --> 00:07:25,523
Here you go. I love illegal immigrants.

163
00:07:25,603 --> 00:07:30,443
Yeah, sue me. Sometimes I go down to Dover
for the day, right?

164
00:07:30,523 --> 00:07:33,243
And I… I look out, right? I look out.

165
00:07:33,323 --> 00:07:36,043
I look for a boat,
and I see a dinghy with about 60 of 'em.

166
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:38,603
-And I go, "Over here." Like that, right?
-[audience laughing]

167
00:07:38,683 --> 00:07:42,163
And I pull 'em in. I pull 'em into shore.
And I go, "Women and children first."

168
00:07:42,243 --> 00:07:46,683
They go, "There are no women and chil--"
"Just you lads, is it? Come on, lads."

169
00:07:46,763 --> 00:07:48,563
[audience laughing and clapping]

170
00:07:48,643 --> 00:07:49,603
[woman 1] Whoo!

171
00:07:50,363 --> 00:07:53,683
If I go down there and there's no boat,
I am absolutely fucking gutted.

172
00:07:53,763 --> 00:07:55,003
-I don't--
-[audience laughing]

173
00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:58,563
I just sort of wander into town,
and, uh, I stand by the traffic lights,

174
00:07:58,643 --> 00:08:01,083
and I wait for a big lorry
to pull up, right?

175
00:08:01,163 --> 00:08:05,123
And I look underneath, and there's a lad
sort of clutching like that.

176
00:08:05,203 --> 00:08:08,123
And I go, "Where you headed?"
He goes, "Gary Lineker's house."

177
00:08:08,203 --> 00:08:10,643
-I go, "It's just down there." [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

178
00:08:10,723 --> 00:08:12,723
[audience clapping]

179
00:08:15,603 --> 00:08:16,483
Yeah.

180
00:08:17,243 --> 00:08:20,403
Fuck borders. Fuck--
We don't need borders, do we?

181
00:08:20,483 --> 00:08:23,163
Be like the Vikings.
They didn't care about borders, did they?

182
00:08:23,243 --> 00:08:25,283
I've got a little bit
of Viking blood in me.

183
00:08:25,363 --> 00:08:27,563
Well, we all have,
'cause of all the raping they did.

184
00:08:27,643 --> 00:08:28,843
[audience laughing]

185
00:08:30,363 --> 00:08:34,283
They say it was raping and pillaging,
but I think it was mainly for the raping.

186
00:08:34,803 --> 00:08:38,123
I think they added the pillaging bit
for the wives. Know what I mean?

187
00:08:38,203 --> 00:08:40,323
They went down and went,
"We're off to Great Britain."

188
00:08:40,403 --> 00:08:41,363
"Oh, why?"

189
00:08:41,443 --> 00:08:42,963
"Just a bit of pillaging."

190
00:08:43,043 --> 00:08:45,283
[audience laughing]

191
00:08:46,563 --> 00:08:47,723
"Just pillaging?"

192
00:08:48,243 --> 00:08:49,603
"Just pillaging, babe."

193
00:08:49,683 --> 00:08:52,203
[audience laughing]

194
00:08:52,283 --> 00:08:54,603
"All right.
Why are you wearing your rape hat?"

195
00:08:54,683 --> 00:08:56,003
[audience laughing]

196
00:08:58,203 --> 00:08:59,963
So this show is called Armageddon,

197
00:09:00,043 --> 00:09:02,403
and it's all about
how I think humanity might end,

198
00:09:02,483 --> 00:09:04,643
'cause there's a long list
of possibilities, you know?

199
00:09:04,723 --> 00:09:06,803
We're on a precipice, you know.

200
00:09:06,883 --> 00:09:10,563
Um, it could be, uh, anything
from global warming,

201
00:09:10,643 --> 00:09:13,363
the rise of the… the pandemic, you know.

202
00:09:13,443 --> 00:09:17,163
Um, nuclear war,
our own stupidity, basically.

203
00:09:17,243 --> 00:09:20,523
'Cause we are getting more stupid
as a species. No doubt about that.

204
00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:24,723
You can now do a university degree course
in Taylor Swift.

205
00:09:25,243 --> 00:09:28,803
How fucking low, academically, can you go?

206
00:09:28,883 --> 00:09:32,563
There's an institute in London
called the School of Flower Arranging.

207
00:09:32,643 --> 00:09:35,403
I went past it. I couldn't believe it.
"School of Flower Arra--"

208
00:09:35,483 --> 00:09:37,963
I looked in,
and there's people having lectures.

209
00:09:38,043 --> 00:09:39,043
Flower arranging!

210
00:09:39,123 --> 00:09:41,363
My mum used to pick flowers
every day from the garden,

211
00:09:41,443 --> 00:09:43,683
cut flowers, put 'em in vases
around the house.

212
00:09:43,763 --> 00:09:48,483
At no point did anyone come around and go,
"What unqualified cunt did these?"

213
00:09:48,563 --> 00:09:51,203
[audience laughing]

214
00:09:53,403 --> 00:09:57,603
Uh, yeah, the Earth is in a terrible mess,
and it's my fault. My generation's fault.

215
00:09:57,683 --> 00:10:00,403
And the generation before, the Boomers,

216
00:10:00,483 --> 00:10:02,923
with their deforestation
and their fossil fuels,

217
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:06,723
ruining the ozone layer,
raising the temperature by a few degrees.

218
00:10:06,803 --> 00:10:11,483
So parasites, you know, bacteria,
and the zootrophic pandemics

219
00:10:11,563 --> 00:10:13,083
are just gonna get worse and worse.

220
00:10:13,163 --> 00:10:15,523
Like, if you're 20 years old now,

221
00:10:15,603 --> 00:10:17,763
you're gonna have
a very different middle age to me.

222
00:10:17,843 --> 00:10:20,163
I've had the best 60 years
of civilization.

223
00:10:20,243 --> 00:10:23,123
But if you're 20 now, in 40 years' time,

224
00:10:23,203 --> 00:10:26,163
you're gonna be in your house,
wearing a mask…

225
00:10:27,003 --> 00:10:27,883
crying.

226
00:10:27,963 --> 00:10:29,963
[audience laughing]

227
00:10:30,803 --> 00:10:32,563
Like you do now over jokes.

228
00:10:32,643 --> 00:10:35,803
[audience laughing]

229
00:10:35,883 --> 00:10:38,123
[audience clapping and cheering]

230
00:10:41,083 --> 00:10:42,883
And I'm not gonna be around to see that,

231
00:10:42,963 --> 00:10:45,523
but I am gonna spend my entire fortune,
from now on,

232
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:48,603
on private jets to make sure
it definitely fucking happens.

233
00:10:48,683 --> 00:10:49,723
[audience laughing]

234
00:10:49,803 --> 00:10:50,723
[woman 2] Whoo!

235
00:10:50,803 --> 00:10:51,883
[man 3] Yeah, Ricky!

236
00:10:51,963 --> 00:10:55,963
We're gonna be the first generation that
future generations are jealous of, right?

237
00:10:56,043 --> 00:10:58,203
'Cause we had it all,
and we're using it all up.

238
00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:02,043
We're using up all the fresh water.
We're using up all the fossil fuel.

239
00:11:02,123 --> 00:11:04,283
Usually, you look back in history
and you feel sorry.

240
00:11:04,363 --> 00:11:08,563
You go, "Oh, how did they live like that?
Oh, how did they get around?"

241
00:11:08,643 --> 00:11:10,563
"No indoor toilets."

242
00:11:10,643 --> 00:11:13,163
I've got nine toilets in my house.

243
00:11:13,243 --> 00:11:14,923
-[audience laughing]
-Um…

244
00:11:15,003 --> 00:11:17,843
And sometimes, I just run around
flushing 'em for a laugh. Like that.

245
00:11:17,923 --> 00:11:19,283
[audience laughing]

246
00:11:19,363 --> 00:11:20,843
Just so that in 40 years' time,

247
00:11:20,923 --> 00:11:23,243
Greta Thunberg
has to shit out of a window.

248
00:11:23,323 --> 00:11:25,483
[audience laughing]

249
00:11:28,323 --> 00:11:31,683
I've got 28 radiators.
I always have them on full.

250
00:11:32,203 --> 00:11:34,243
Then I put the air con on full,

251
00:11:34,803 --> 00:11:37,963
and it sort of settles
at about 20 degrees.

252
00:11:38,043 --> 00:11:40,203
A lovely… It's how the cat likes it.

253
00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:43,643
She loves it at 20 degrees.
And I-- I spoil my cat. Um…

254
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,683
I love cats. I love having a cat.

255
00:11:45,763 --> 00:11:48,283
Thing about--
Cats are great, but if you let 'em out,

256
00:11:48,363 --> 00:11:50,683
they bring home
the most disgusting things.

257
00:11:50,763 --> 00:11:53,763
Last week, mine brought home
a Scouser with herpes.

258
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:56,003
[audience laughing]

259
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:59,163
And it wasn't quite dead,
so I had to get it by its legs

260
00:11:59,243 --> 00:12:01,563
and crack its head against the table.

261
00:12:01,643 --> 00:12:02,723
-[audience laughing]
-Ugh.

262
00:12:05,803 --> 00:12:06,683
[clicks tongue]

263
00:12:06,763 --> 00:12:09,483
And who cares?
If humanity was wiped out today,

264
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:12,403
the Earth would return to a paradise
in a few hundred years.

265
00:12:12,483 --> 00:12:15,163
If we lose bees, we're a desert, forever.

266
00:12:15,243 --> 00:12:16,803
We're not that important.

267
00:12:16,883 --> 00:12:19,803
We're just one species
of narcissistic ape.

268
00:12:19,883 --> 00:12:23,363
And some people on social media
get annoyed when I say we're apes.

269
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,883
You know, religious types, Americans.

270
00:12:25,963 --> 00:12:27,843
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

271
00:12:27,923 --> 00:12:29,083
One bloke said to me,

272
00:12:29,163 --> 00:12:31,603
"Speak for yourself, dude.
I ain't no ape."

273
00:12:31,683 --> 00:12:33,803
And I sent back,
"Well, you are, 'cause we're all apes."

274
00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:35,883
He went,
"Nah. What's a gorilla ever done?"

275
00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:37,403
"We've walked on the moon."

276
00:12:37,483 --> 00:12:40,123
I sent back, "What do you mean, 'we'?
You've done fuck all."

277
00:12:40,203 --> 00:12:41,643
[audience laughing]

278
00:12:41,723 --> 00:12:43,203
"You've spelled 'moon' wrong."

279
00:12:43,283 --> 00:12:45,843
[audience laughing]

280
00:12:46,603 --> 00:12:48,723
It's weird, isn't it,
when people take credit

281
00:12:48,803 --> 00:12:50,443
for the sort of rest of the species.

282
00:12:50,523 --> 00:12:52,803
'Cause that's what's pushed
civilization forward, you know,

283
00:12:52,883 --> 00:12:54,643
a few geniuses along the way.

284
00:12:54,723 --> 00:12:58,563
Like, there's eight billion people
on this planet. Most of us do nothing.

285
00:12:58,643 --> 00:12:59,803
We eat, shit, and die.

286
00:12:59,883 --> 00:13:02,923
Like, if there was a meteor
heading towards Earth

287
00:13:03,003 --> 00:13:04,283
that'd definitely destroy it,

288
00:13:04,363 --> 00:13:06,923
four billion people
would get down on their knees

289
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:10,363
and pray to their particular god,
and a few hundred scientists

290
00:13:10,443 --> 00:13:12,843
would work out how to get Bruce Willis
up there to stop it.

291
00:13:12,923 --> 00:13:14,723
[audience laughing]

292
00:13:14,803 --> 00:13:17,043
It's an odd concept, praying, for me.

293
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:19,083
I can't work out how God decides.

294
00:13:19,163 --> 00:13:22,363
All those people praying at once
for different things.

295
00:13:22,443 --> 00:13:26,563
Is it like best idea wins,
or is it a democracy?

296
00:13:26,643 --> 00:13:27,883
Like, he puts things--

297
00:13:27,963 --> 00:13:30,763
Each issue, he goes,
"Right, votes for and against," you know.

298
00:13:30,843 --> 00:13:33,763
If it's a democracy, we're in trouble.
We're a tiny nation.

299
00:13:33,843 --> 00:13:36,563
Like, next time there's a flood warning
in the West Country,

300
00:13:36,643 --> 00:13:38,923
if we're all going,
"Oh, I hope everyone's okay,"

301
00:13:39,003 --> 00:13:41,883
if the whole of China is going,
"Yeah, fuck Bristol…"

302
00:13:41,963 --> 00:13:43,283
[audience laughing]

303
00:13:45,243 --> 00:13:47,363
There's a billion of them.
Know what I mean?

304
00:13:48,003 --> 00:13:49,723
More about China later.

305
00:13:49,803 --> 00:13:52,643
[audience laughing]

306
00:13:55,123 --> 00:13:58,403
Yeah, I've always, uh,
found praying quite strange.

307
00:13:58,483 --> 00:14:03,243
Like, if I bump into a friend or neighbor,
and I know they've got a little kid,

308
00:14:03,323 --> 00:14:05,443
and I go, "Oh, how's so-and-so?"

309
00:14:05,523 --> 00:14:09,083
And they go, "Oh, not good.
Um, he's in intensive care."

310
00:14:09,603 --> 00:14:12,963
"We don't know if he's gonna pull through,
but I pray every night."

311
00:14:13,043 --> 00:14:14,763
What I do as an experiment…

312
00:14:15,283 --> 00:14:16,283
[inhales sharply]

313
00:14:17,283 --> 00:14:19,483
[audience laughing]

314
00:14:20,923 --> 00:14:22,243
I go home,

315
00:14:22,323 --> 00:14:24,643
and I pray twice that he doesn't make it.

316
00:14:24,723 --> 00:14:27,083
[audience laughing]

317
00:14:27,963 --> 00:14:28,803
[man 4] Oh…

318
00:14:28,883 --> 00:14:30,403
I don't do that.

319
00:14:30,483 --> 00:14:32,483
[audience laughing]

320
00:14:33,403 --> 00:14:37,083
On a serious note, um, I've been doing
a lot of video messages recently

321
00:14:37,163 --> 00:14:39,363
for terminally-ill children. And, um…

322
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:41,523
Only if they request it, obviously.
I don't--

323
00:14:41,603 --> 00:14:43,163
[audience laughing]

324
00:14:43,243 --> 00:14:45,723
I don't burst into hospitals and go,
"Wake up, baldy."

325
00:14:45,803 --> 00:14:47,763
[audience laughing]

326
00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:50,043
"Look, me twerking on TikTok. Look."

327
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,083
[audience laughing]

328
00:14:52,643 --> 00:14:55,003
No, um, I did a lot through the pandemic.

329
00:14:55,083 --> 00:14:57,843
Presumably, 'cause they couldn't even see
their own family. And, uh--

330
00:14:57,923 --> 00:15:01,123
It's through Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Do you know the charity?

331
00:15:01,203 --> 00:15:03,683
They're great, and they give
these dying kids their one wish.

332
00:15:03,763 --> 00:15:07,203
And if it's me, I always say yes,
and I always start the video the same way.

333
00:15:07,283 --> 00:15:09,843
I go, "Why didn't you wish to get better?"

334
00:15:09,923 --> 00:15:11,923
[audience laughing]

335
00:15:13,923 --> 00:15:15,643
"What, you fucking retarded as well?"

336
00:15:15,723 --> 00:15:17,003
[audience laughing]

337
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,603
[audience clapping]

338
00:15:18,683 --> 00:15:20,963
[laughs] I don't do that either, okay?

339
00:15:21,043 --> 00:15:23,763
-[audience laughing]
-These are all jokes, okay? [laughs]

340
00:15:23,843 --> 00:15:27,923
In fact, I don't even use that word
in real life, the r-word.

341
00:15:28,003 --> 00:15:30,283
"You just used it." "Yeah, in a joke."

342
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:33,283
"That's not real life, is it?
I'm playing a role."

343
00:15:33,363 --> 00:15:36,763
"You sounded pretty convincing."
"Yeah, 'cause I'm good."

344
00:15:36,843 --> 00:15:38,283
[audience laughing]

345
00:15:38,363 --> 00:15:40,523
You wouldn't level the accusation
at other art forms.

346
00:15:40,603 --> 00:15:42,523
You wouldn't go
up to Sir Anthony Hopkins and go,

347
00:15:42,603 --> 00:15:44,323
"I saw you in Silence of the Lambs."

348
00:15:44,403 --> 00:15:46,443
"What, so, you a cannibal, are you?"

349
00:15:46,523 --> 00:15:48,683
"No, I… I was playing a role." "Oh."

350
00:15:49,363 --> 00:15:50,963
"Mm, seemed pretty convincing."

351
00:15:51,043 --> 00:15:52,723
-Yeah.
-[audience laughing]

352
00:15:52,803 --> 00:15:55,883
He's good, and I'm good,
and that's why I do things well.

353
00:15:55,963 --> 00:15:58,323
Imagine if I came out
and did things not very well,

354
00:15:58,403 --> 00:15:59,683
so you knew I was joking.

355
00:15:59,763 --> 00:16:01,163
That'd be fucking retarded.

356
00:16:01,243 --> 00:16:03,083
[audience laughing]

357
00:16:05,683 --> 00:16:10,923
Has anyone bothered asking the dolphins
if they mind swimming with dying kids?

358
00:16:11,443 --> 00:16:13,923
Know what I mean?
'Cause that can't be fun for--

359
00:16:14,003 --> 00:16:15,243
They're, like, flipping around,

360
00:16:15,323 --> 00:16:19,083
then suddenly someone dumps a truckload
of pale teenagers flailing…

361
00:16:19,163 --> 00:16:20,843
-[audience laughing]
-The dolphin's like,

362
00:16:20,923 --> 00:16:24,603
"What the fuck is this?
What the fuck's this? Oh, fucking hell."

363
00:16:25,523 --> 00:16:27,963
[groans] Oh, let him do it."
"What the fuck?"

364
00:16:28,963 --> 00:16:30,243
"They're all… They're all dying."

365
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,443
"Of what? That one just stuck his fingers
in my fucking blowhole."

366
00:16:33,523 --> 00:16:35,603
[audience laughing]

367
00:16:35,683 --> 00:16:38,683
"He's not gonna be around for long."
"Nor am I if I can't fucking breathe."

368
00:16:38,763 --> 00:16:40,803
[audience laughing]

369
00:16:40,883 --> 00:16:42,203
[Gervais laughs]

370
00:16:44,443 --> 00:16:47,523
It's very sad, um, but we all die.

371
00:16:47,603 --> 00:16:50,003
We all know we're gonna die,
and we all do die,

372
00:16:50,083 --> 00:16:53,043
so it doesn't really matter
if we die one at a time along the way,

373
00:16:53,123 --> 00:16:55,483
or all at once,
in one big final Armageddon.

374
00:16:55,563 --> 00:16:57,803
The result is,
we're all gonna be dead one day,

375
00:16:57,883 --> 00:16:59,483
and we're all gonna be dead forever.

376
00:16:59,563 --> 00:17:01,563
And I've been to a lot of funerals
in my time.

377
00:17:01,643 --> 00:17:04,763
You live this long,
you know a lot of people, they die, right?

378
00:17:04,843 --> 00:17:07,723
And I don't mind funerals,
'cause it's the end.

379
00:17:07,803 --> 00:17:10,043
You know what I mean? I hate weddings.

380
00:17:10,123 --> 00:17:11,483
-Oh, fucking…
-[audience laughing]

381
00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:14,483
It's all-- There's so much hope.
You know what I mean?

382
00:17:14,563 --> 00:17:16,603
And they're needy and arrogant.

383
00:17:16,683 --> 00:17:18,243
They go, "Oh, we're getting--"

384
00:17:18,323 --> 00:17:20,443
"Do you wanna come
and watch us for 12 hours?"

385
00:17:20,523 --> 00:17:22,203
"No. Fuck, no."

386
00:17:22,283 --> 00:17:23,323
[audience laughing]

387
00:17:23,403 --> 00:17:25,323
Even the invite is arrogant, isn't it?

388
00:17:25,403 --> 00:17:28,003
It's like a royal decree.
"You are cordially invited--"

389
00:17:28,083 --> 00:17:30,763
It's not a fucking honor.
I don't wanna go to your shitty wedding.

390
00:17:30,843 --> 00:17:32,603
-Know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

391
00:17:32,683 --> 00:17:35,483
And then you go,
"Oh, right, yeah. When is it?"

392
00:17:35,563 --> 00:17:36,963
They go, "Two years' time."

393
00:17:37,443 --> 00:17:39,883
They know you haven't got an excuse
for two years' time.

394
00:17:39,963 --> 00:17:40,923
[audience laughing]

395
00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:43,163
So you just have to hope
that one of 'em dies.

396
00:17:43,243 --> 00:17:44,803
-Know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

397
00:17:44,883 --> 00:17:47,803
And so you go, "Oh, yeah, I'll be there.
Yeah, yeah. Where is it?"

398
00:17:47,883 --> 00:17:50,003
They go, "India." "Oh, fuck off!"

399
00:17:50,083 --> 00:17:51,203
[audience laughing]

400
00:17:51,283 --> 00:17:54,003
I'm not having injections for you,
you boring bastards.

401
00:17:54,083 --> 00:17:55,323
[audience laughing]

402
00:17:55,403 --> 00:17:57,683
And I've got a big family now,
a big extended family.

403
00:17:57,763 --> 00:18:00,523
There's always one getting married.
They know I've got a bit of cash.

404
00:18:00,603 --> 00:18:02,083
So I can't give 'em a tea set anymore.

405
00:18:02,163 --> 00:18:04,043
I've gotta get 'em
their first fucking house.

406
00:18:04,123 --> 00:18:06,283
-Know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

407
00:18:06,363 --> 00:18:08,643
I've got a big family.
I had older brothers and sisters.

408
00:18:08,723 --> 00:18:11,083
They all had loads of kids,
and their kids have loads of kids,

409
00:18:11,163 --> 00:18:14,483
and their kids have had loads of kids,
'cause we're chavs, basically.

410
00:18:14,563 --> 00:18:16,803
-[audience laughing]
-There's a new baby every Christmas.

411
00:18:16,883 --> 00:18:18,123
It's one of those families.

412
00:18:18,203 --> 00:18:20,963
I go home, it's crowded.
I go, "Oh. Oh, whose is that?"

413
00:18:21,043 --> 00:18:22,123
"Oh, yours. Well done."

414
00:18:22,203 --> 00:18:25,163
I don't know him, I don't know her.
You know what I mean? It's like…

415
00:18:25,243 --> 00:18:27,843
But what I've done
over the last couple of years,

416
00:18:27,923 --> 00:18:31,723
I've got 'em each and individually,
right, in private,

417
00:18:31,803 --> 00:18:35,763
and I've told them that I'm leaving
my entire fortune to just them, right?

418
00:18:35,843 --> 00:18:36,803
[audience laughing]

419
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,323
But to keep it secret.

420
00:18:38,403 --> 00:18:39,963
So they all love me, right?

421
00:18:40,483 --> 00:18:41,683
And I'm not doing a will,

422
00:18:41,763 --> 00:18:44,683
so my funeral is gonna be
a fucking bloodbath.

423
00:18:44,763 --> 00:18:47,803
[audience laughing]

424
00:18:49,163 --> 00:18:52,723
I'm at that age now where people ask me
what I've got planned for my funeral.

425
00:18:52,803 --> 00:18:54,803
Even journalists say,
"How-- What's your funeral--"

426
00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:57,443
I go, "I haven't planned it."
"No?" "No, it's depressing."

427
00:18:57,523 --> 00:18:58,883
"Also, I don't care. I'll be dead."

428
00:18:58,963 --> 00:19:00,803
They go, "Don't care about
what people think of you?"

429
00:19:00,883 --> 00:19:01,803
"No, I'll be dead."

430
00:19:01,883 --> 00:19:04,123
They go, "What about your legacy?"
"Fuck my legacy."

431
00:19:04,203 --> 00:19:05,723
You can't plan your legacy.

432
00:19:05,803 --> 00:19:09,043
I think of all these people
who died thinking they'd be loved forever.

433
00:19:09,123 --> 00:19:10,203
Eminent people going,

434
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,923
"There is a statue of me
in the town square."

435
00:19:13,003 --> 00:19:16,923
And now, they're pulling down the statues.
"Pull down this fucking statue." "Why?"

436
00:19:17,003 --> 00:19:19,803
"He was a slave trader.
Pull down the fucking statue."

437
00:19:19,883 --> 00:19:23,363
"He built the hospital. Should we pull
that down?" "No, leave the hospital."

438
00:19:23,443 --> 00:19:25,563
[audience laughing]

439
00:19:25,643 --> 00:19:28,323
"Just pull down the fucking statue."

440
00:19:28,403 --> 00:19:31,643
[audience cheering and whistling]

441
00:19:33,523 --> 00:19:35,603
"Pull down the statue
and dump it in the canal."

442
00:19:35,683 --> 00:19:39,203
"He built the canal." "Doesn't matter.
Just pull down the fucking statue."

443
00:19:41,323 --> 00:19:43,123
I don't think
you should whitewash history.

444
00:19:43,203 --> 00:19:46,443
If you find out summat new, add to it.
Like, if there's a statue, and it's got,

445
00:19:46,523 --> 00:19:49,443
"Lord Whimsy. Trader, philanthropist."

446
00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:51,203
Add, "a bit racist."

447
00:19:51,283 --> 00:19:53,003
[audience laughing]

448
00:19:53,083 --> 00:19:55,123
Or one of those blue plaques
on a house that goes,

449
00:19:55,203 --> 00:19:56,923
"Sir Robert Spewk lived here."

450
00:19:57,003 --> 00:19:59,403
"Author, poet, pedo."

451
00:19:59,483 --> 00:20:00,963
[audience laughing]

452
00:20:04,723 --> 00:20:07,963
I think we live too long. That's why
we have time to worry about all this.

453
00:20:08,043 --> 00:20:10,003
We're not meant to live this long.

454
00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:11,683
Uh, as a species,

455
00:20:11,763 --> 00:20:15,003
we're about 300,000 years old,
as Homo sapiens.

456
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:17,883
We've been around as hominids
for a few million years, and, of course,

457
00:20:17,963 --> 00:20:20,603
along with every other life-form
that exists at the moment,

458
00:20:20,683 --> 00:20:23,403
we've been evolving
for three and a half billion years.

459
00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:25,603
Everything that exists at the moment

460
00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:27,963
all came from the same little blob
of organic matter

461
00:20:28,043 --> 00:20:29,763
three and a half billion years ago.

462
00:20:29,843 --> 00:20:31,483
That's why it annoys me when people say,

463
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:34,083
"Oh, yeah, humans,
we're the most evolved."

464
00:20:34,163 --> 00:20:35,243
We're not the most evolved.

465
00:20:35,323 --> 00:20:38,523
We're no more evolved
than the slug or the snail.

466
00:20:38,603 --> 00:20:41,803
People go, "Come on, look at 'em."
Yeah, they got it right early doors.

467
00:20:41,883 --> 00:20:44,643
Nature keeps testing 'em.
"Do you want eyes?"

468
00:20:44,723 --> 00:20:45,563
"No."

469
00:20:45,643 --> 00:20:48,443
[audience laughing]

470
00:20:48,523 --> 00:20:52,003
"Not really. No. No."

471
00:20:52,563 --> 00:20:54,763
I have noticed one thing
about the slug and the snail.

472
00:20:54,843 --> 00:20:56,843
Let's not split hairs. Let's be honest.

473
00:20:57,363 --> 00:21:01,763
The snail is basically a slug
with a shell on it, isn't it? Right?

474
00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:06,843
But if you pull the shell off the snail,
it starts giving it all… [groans]

475
00:21:06,923 --> 00:21:07,883
[audience laughing]

476
00:21:07,963 --> 00:21:09,723
"Oh, I'm dying. I'm dying."

477
00:21:09,803 --> 00:21:12,803
And the slug is like,
"Welcome to the real world, cunt."

478
00:21:12,883 --> 00:21:15,323
-Know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

479
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:19,563
So, yeah, we've been around
for about 300,000 years.

480
00:21:19,643 --> 00:21:21,083
And for most of that time,

481
00:21:21,163 --> 00:21:24,523
we had the same life expectancy
as every other wild ape.

482
00:21:24,603 --> 00:21:26,643
Thirty-five, 40, if you're lucky.

483
00:21:26,723 --> 00:21:30,163
You're born, you grow, you mate,
you're playing with your kids,

484
00:21:30,243 --> 00:21:31,723
you get a cut, you go, "What's that?"

485
00:21:31,803 --> 00:21:32,643
Dead.

486
00:21:32,723 --> 00:21:33,963
[audience laughing]

487
00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:36,843
But now, with antibiotics and medicine,
we've pushed that forward.

488
00:21:36,923 --> 00:21:40,763
A child born today
can expect to live to about 100.

489
00:21:41,283 --> 00:21:43,563
And scientists said
soon that'll be about 120.

490
00:21:44,323 --> 00:21:46,563
And science also said that,
in the near future,

491
00:21:46,643 --> 00:21:49,163
there's no reason,
with proper care and attention,

492
00:21:49,243 --> 00:21:53,283
that human beings
won't regularly live to 150 years old.

493
00:21:53,803 --> 00:21:58,283
Which is amazing, until you remember
that we get a set number of brain cells,

494
00:21:58,363 --> 00:22:00,483
which we only lose.
You can't get them back.

495
00:22:00,563 --> 00:22:05,403
So, in the future, there's gonna be
15 billion people on the planet. You know?

496
00:22:05,483 --> 00:22:09,523
Half of them are gonna be over 100,
and they're all gonna have Alzheimer's.

497
00:22:09,603 --> 00:22:11,483
It's gonna be like Dawn of the Dead.

498
00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:14,363
-It's gonna be fucking horrible.
-[audience laughing]

499
00:22:14,443 --> 00:22:15,283
You know?

500
00:22:15,363 --> 00:22:17,043
My auntie died of Alzheimer's.

501
00:22:17,123 --> 00:22:19,483
Um, I don't know
how you die of Alzheimer's.

502
00:22:19,563 --> 00:22:21,283
She forgot to live. Right?

503
00:22:21,363 --> 00:22:23,883
[audience laughing]

504
00:22:23,963 --> 00:22:26,883
And for the last couple of years,
she was in a home,

505
00:22:26,963 --> 00:22:29,883
and, uh, my cousin, her only kid,
used to visit her, like, once a week.

506
00:22:29,963 --> 00:22:33,003
And it got more and more depressing,
'cause soon she didn't recognize him,

507
00:22:33,083 --> 00:22:35,683
and then she didn't know who she was, or--
and then she died.

508
00:22:35,763 --> 00:22:39,003
And at the funeral, we were sort of
reminiscing about the good days.

509
00:22:39,083 --> 00:22:42,803
Some of the funny,
absent-minded things she said and did.

510
00:22:42,883 --> 00:22:45,803
Then we realized, oh, probably,
that was the beginning of the disease

511
00:22:45,883 --> 00:22:47,523
before it was diagnosed.

512
00:22:47,603 --> 00:22:49,243
And this is a true story.

513
00:22:49,323 --> 00:22:53,363
Once, my cousin went home from work,
and he went in, and she went,

514
00:22:53,443 --> 00:22:55,963
"Your tea's in the oven.
I've had mine already."

515
00:22:56,043 --> 00:22:57,683
He went, "Oh, cheers, Mum." And he--

516
00:22:57,763 --> 00:22:59,563
It was like a fish pie, right?

517
00:22:59,643 --> 00:23:02,283
He ate the fish pie,
then he went, "Oh God. Ooh."

518
00:23:02,363 --> 00:23:03,203
He ran upstairs…

519
00:23:03,283 --> 00:23:04,843
[imitates retching]

520
00:23:04,923 --> 00:23:07,043
Vomited. Went back down and went,

521
00:23:07,123 --> 00:23:10,323
"Mum, the fish is off.
I've just been really sick."

522
00:23:10,403 --> 00:23:13,083
And she said,
"Yeah, it made me really sick."

523
00:23:13,163 --> 00:23:15,523
[audience laughing]

524
00:23:18,163 --> 00:23:21,643
I've been looking into
infant mortality rates recently.

525
00:23:21,723 --> 00:23:23,043
-Um…
-[audience murmuring]

526
00:23:23,123 --> 00:23:27,083
For research. Not--
It's not a fucking fetish. Like…

527
00:23:27,163 --> 00:23:29,283
[audience laughing]

528
00:23:30,003 --> 00:23:34,483
A child born today in the UK
has a percentage chance of survival

529
00:23:34,563 --> 00:23:37,723
of 99.8%, which is incredible.

530
00:23:37,803 --> 00:23:40,083
I thought, "Is that just
the mollycoddled West?"

531
00:23:40,163 --> 00:23:45,723
I was putting in Third World countries.
And even in Africa, it's like 96.5%.

532
00:23:45,803 --> 00:23:47,123
In the wilds of Africa,

533
00:23:47,203 --> 00:23:49,803
where everything wants
to fucking eat a newborn baby.

534
00:23:49,883 --> 00:23:51,523
Babies are vulnerable enough, aren't they?

535
00:23:51,603 --> 00:23:54,203
In Africa, a baby
can be born in a mud hut.

536
00:23:54,283 --> 00:23:55,523
There's a lion outside.

537
00:23:55,603 --> 00:23:58,043
It's covered in blood.
They can't wash it. They've got no water.

538
00:23:58,123 --> 00:24:00,443
Ooh, and it's already got AIDS.

539
00:24:00,523 --> 00:24:01,923
[audience laughing]

540
00:24:02,003 --> 00:24:02,963
Now…

541
00:24:04,003 --> 00:24:06,483
by the time that joke goes on Netflix…

542
00:24:07,003 --> 00:24:08,563
[audience laughing]

543
00:24:08,643 --> 00:24:10,203
…it'll be nuanced.

544
00:24:10,843 --> 00:24:14,963
There'll be an underlying
satirical point, I'll claim.

545
00:24:15,043 --> 00:24:18,283
-[audience laughing]
-But, until then, all I've got is,

546
00:24:18,363 --> 00:24:21,083
-"Ha, baby's got AIDS."
-[audience laughing]

547
00:24:21,163 --> 00:24:25,643
I know that it's funny.
I just have to work out why.

548
00:24:25,723 --> 00:24:27,043
[audience laughing]

549
00:24:27,123 --> 00:24:28,923
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.

550
00:24:29,683 --> 00:24:31,843
Also, by the time that goes on Netflix,

551
00:24:31,923 --> 00:24:33,803
I'll have been playing
arenas around the world.

552
00:24:33,883 --> 00:24:36,003
It'll be hitting hard.
People will be laughing.

553
00:24:36,083 --> 00:24:39,603
So if you are an African woman,
and you… you just had a baby in Africa,

554
00:24:39,683 --> 00:24:42,643
and the doctor goes,
"Oh, I'm sorry, your baby's got AIDS."

555
00:24:42,723 --> 00:24:45,283
You go, "Oh my God."
You're there… Baby's got--

556
00:24:45,363 --> 00:24:48,843
You're there with your husband,
and you go, "Our baby's got AIDS, Jeff."

557
00:24:48,923 --> 00:24:49,763
Jeff… [laughs]

558
00:24:49,843 --> 00:24:51,843
[audience laughing]

559
00:24:52,923 --> 00:24:55,883
[laughing]

560
00:24:56,483 --> 00:24:57,963
"I know, Tracy. I've got it too."

561
00:24:58,043 --> 00:25:00,723
-[imitates extinguishing cigarette]
-[audience laughing]

562
00:25:00,803 --> 00:25:01,643
[laughs]

563
00:25:02,243 --> 00:25:05,363
"Our baby's got AIDS. Should we watch
some comedy to cheer us up?"

564
00:25:05,443 --> 00:25:07,963
"Yeah. What, Netflix?" "Yeah."

565
00:25:08,603 --> 00:25:10,323
"What, Ricky Gervais?" "Duh."

566
00:25:10,403 --> 00:25:11,563
-"Yeah."
-[audience laughing]

567
00:25:11,643 --> 00:25:13,643
And they're… they're sad
that their baby's got AIDS,

568
00:25:13,723 --> 00:25:15,243
but they're sort of laughing along.

569
00:25:15,323 --> 00:25:16,763
"Ha-ha. Armageddon. Ha-ha."

570
00:25:16,843 --> 00:25:19,643
And it gets to that bit,
"Ha, baby's got AIDS."

571
00:25:19,723 --> 00:25:24,203
And she goes, "Oh my God.
Jeff, why… why are they all laughing at us

572
00:25:24,283 --> 00:25:26,003
and our baby with AIDS?"

573
00:25:26,083 --> 00:25:28,603
And Jeff goes,
"Well, they're not laughing at us per se."

574
00:25:28,683 --> 00:25:31,083
She goes, "Well, they are.
They've named us and everything."

575
00:25:31,163 --> 00:25:33,643
"They're literally laughing at us
in this bit."

576
00:25:33,723 --> 00:25:36,643
-[Gervais laughing]
-[audience laughing]

577
00:25:36,723 --> 00:25:37,963
And Jeff goes,

578
00:25:38,043 --> 00:25:41,323
"Yeah, but we're a fictional couple
with a fictional baby with AIDS."

579
00:25:41,403 --> 00:25:43,643
"Anyone offended by that
is a fucking moron."

580
00:25:43,723 --> 00:25:44,723
[audience laughing]

581
00:25:45,323 --> 00:25:48,003
And then, he goes,
"And at least he didn't do the accent."

582
00:25:48,523 --> 00:25:51,523
-So…
-[audience laughing]

583
00:25:51,603 --> 00:25:55,923
And she goes, "Yeah,
but only because Jane begged him not to."

584
00:25:56,003 --> 00:25:58,483
-[Gervais laughing]
-[audience laughing]

585
00:25:58,563 --> 00:26:00,403
It's funny 'cause it's true.

586
00:26:00,483 --> 00:26:04,003
[audience clapping and cheering]

587
00:26:05,683 --> 00:26:08,123
I think we get our sense of humor
from our parents,

588
00:26:08,203 --> 00:26:09,923
whether we realize it or not.

589
00:26:10,003 --> 00:26:13,283
Particularly working-class kids.
Particularly from working-class mums.

590
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:15,603
'Cause they're busy.
They're doing everything.

591
00:26:15,683 --> 00:26:17,003
They're keeping men in check,

592
00:26:17,083 --> 00:26:18,923
they're bringing up kids,
they're going to work,

593
00:26:19,003 --> 00:26:20,843
they're saving the world.
They haven't got time.

594
00:26:20,923 --> 00:26:23,323
They have to frighten their kids
into behaving well.

595
00:26:23,403 --> 00:26:26,803
They have to go to dark places
to shock them into not fucking dying.

596
00:26:26,883 --> 00:26:29,963
Do you know what I mean?
So… Like, if I was little,

597
00:26:30,043 --> 00:26:32,603
and my mum made my tea,
and it wasn't my favorite,

598
00:26:32,683 --> 00:26:35,123
it was boiled potatoes,
instead of chips every day,

599
00:26:35,203 --> 00:26:36,843
and I went, "I don't like them,"

600
00:26:36,923 --> 00:26:39,003
my mum would go straight to,
"Of course you do."

601
00:26:39,083 --> 00:26:41,723
"There's children your age
in Africa and they're starving to death."

602
00:26:41,803 --> 00:26:44,643
Right? I'd go, "Jesus. All right."
You know what I mean?

603
00:26:44,723 --> 00:26:45,803
Ju-- [snapping fingers]

604
00:26:45,883 --> 00:26:50,323
True story. I was seven years old, right,
and I'd been playing in the park.

605
00:26:50,403 --> 00:26:54,123
And I came running in, and my mum went,
"Ricky, come here. Sit down."

606
00:26:54,203 --> 00:26:56,283
There must've been
a local pedo incident, all right?

607
00:26:56,363 --> 00:26:58,043
[audience laughing]

608
00:26:58,123 --> 00:27:01,243
And my mum went, "Never go
in the toilets in the park again."

609
00:27:01,323 --> 00:27:02,843
And I went, "Why?"

610
00:27:02,923 --> 00:27:06,203
She knew she couldn't explain pedophilia
to a seven-year-old, right?

611
00:27:06,283 --> 00:27:08,203
But this is what she came up with.

612
00:27:08,283 --> 00:27:11,323
She said,
"Because there's a man going around,

613
00:27:11,403 --> 00:27:13,603
and he's cutting
little boys' willies off."

614
00:27:13,683 --> 00:27:15,763
[audience laughing]

615
00:27:15,843 --> 00:27:16,803
I was like…

616
00:27:18,883 --> 00:27:21,363
"What, that's a fucking thing, is it?
That's a…"

617
00:27:22,523 --> 00:27:24,043
I didn't sleep for a week. Uh--

618
00:27:24,123 --> 00:27:26,323
[audience laughing]

619
00:27:26,403 --> 00:27:29,763
And it worked. I never went
in those fucking toilets again.

620
00:27:29,843 --> 00:27:31,083
But she knew, instinctively.

621
00:27:31,163 --> 00:27:32,963
If she'd gone, "Ricky, come in. Sit down."

622
00:27:33,043 --> 00:27:34,963
"What's the matter?"
"Never go in the toilets again."

623
00:27:35,043 --> 00:27:37,203
"Why not?" "There's a pedophile."
"What's a pedophile?"

624
00:27:37,283 --> 00:27:39,963
"Oh, he's a man who gives you
sweets and puppies."

625
00:27:40,043 --> 00:27:42,283
-"Bring it on!" You know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

626
00:27:42,363 --> 00:27:45,443
Me-- At seven years old?
I'd wank off anyone for a puppy.

627
00:27:45,523 --> 00:27:46,403
[audience laughing]

628
00:27:46,483 --> 00:27:48,403
It'd be like that, wouldn't it?
It'd be like that.

629
00:27:48,483 --> 00:27:50,483
[audience laughing]

630
00:27:53,003 --> 00:27:54,163
I'm gonna get a puppy.

631
00:27:54,243 --> 00:27:55,563
[audience laughing]

632
00:27:55,643 --> 00:27:56,483
Hi.

633
00:27:56,563 --> 00:27:58,483
I'm getting a puppy. I'm getting a puppy.

634
00:28:00,523 --> 00:28:01,603
Gonna get a puppy.

635
00:28:02,123 --> 00:28:03,323
Oh, fucking hell.

636
00:28:03,403 --> 00:28:04,923
[audience laughing]

637
00:28:05,003 --> 00:28:07,683
Oh, I can't--
I cannot do it left-handed at all.

638
00:28:07,763 --> 00:28:09,243
[audience laughing]

639
00:28:09,323 --> 00:28:11,123
Fucking hell, come on.

640
00:28:12,243 --> 00:28:13,363
Have you been drinking?

641
00:28:13,443 --> 00:28:14,723
[audience laughing]

642
00:28:16,123 --> 00:28:18,003
Oh, Jesus Christ.

643
00:28:18,083 --> 00:28:19,243
Come on!

644
00:28:19,323 --> 00:28:21,003
[audience laughing]

645
00:28:21,083 --> 00:28:23,403
Fucking hell. Oh.

646
00:28:26,283 --> 00:28:27,923
[Gervais laughing]

647
00:28:29,683 --> 00:28:31,403
I've started, so I'll finish.

648
00:28:31,483 --> 00:28:35,043
-[Gervais laughing]
-[audience laughing]

649
00:28:35,123 --> 00:28:38,043
Oh. Oh, fuck me. Oh.

650
00:28:38,123 --> 00:28:39,963
What sort of puppy is it?

651
00:28:40,043 --> 00:28:41,883
[audience laughing]

652
00:28:41,963 --> 00:28:44,403
A what? A Labrador?

653
00:28:44,483 --> 00:28:46,883
[audience laughing]

654
00:28:46,963 --> 00:28:49,483
Throw in a kitten,
and I'll give you a blow job. [laughs]

655
00:28:49,563 --> 00:28:51,683
I go back. Kitten, puppy, cum.

656
00:28:52,203 --> 00:28:55,603
-[audience laughing]
-[Gervais laughing]

657
00:28:58,923 --> 00:29:00,163
Oh…

658
00:29:00,243 --> 00:29:03,123
-I miss the local pedo.
-[audience laughing]

659
00:29:03,203 --> 00:29:05,923
Don't you?
There was always one, wasn't there?

660
00:29:06,003 --> 00:29:09,323
Outside school, you'd be with your mum,
and she'd go, "Look, there's a pedophile."

661
00:29:09,403 --> 00:29:11,723
'Cause he had the uniform of the pedo.
You know what I mean?

662
00:29:11,803 --> 00:29:15,483
You could spot-- Old bloke, bald on top,
long down the side. Like that.

663
00:29:15,563 --> 00:29:17,763
And I'll go, "That's a dirty p--"
"Say hello."

664
00:29:17,843 --> 00:29:21,603
"Hello." Like that. Dirty look.
That's what a fucking pedo looks--

665
00:29:21,683 --> 00:29:24,243
Dirty fucking pedophile, right?
That's what he'd look--

666
00:29:24,323 --> 00:29:26,323
If he touches you,
we'll burn his house down.

667
00:29:26,403 --> 00:29:28,243
It was a good system. Know what I mean?

668
00:29:28,843 --> 00:29:32,043
But then Michael Jackson comes along,
and he breaks the mold, doesn't he?

669
00:29:32,123 --> 00:29:34,523
'Cause he's… he's not an ugly bloke
outside the school.

670
00:29:34,603 --> 00:29:37,523
I'm not saying Michael Jackson
definitely was a pedophile. No one knows.

671
00:29:37,603 --> 00:29:39,563
Only Michael
and all those people he paid off.

672
00:29:39,643 --> 00:29:41,443
-All I'm saying is…
-[audience laughing]

673
00:29:41,523 --> 00:29:42,603
[woman 3] Yes!

674
00:29:42,683 --> 00:29:43,603
…that

675
00:29:43,683 --> 00:29:45,043
kids loved Michael.

676
00:29:45,123 --> 00:29:47,563
They--
Kids loved Michael just to look at him.

677
00:29:47,643 --> 00:29:50,923
Like a little Disney cartoon, wasn't he?
And then his voice, "Hello."

678
00:29:51,003 --> 00:29:52,483
-You know, that--
-[audience laughing]

679
00:29:52,563 --> 00:29:55,883
Oh. Michael Jackson would go up
to any kid he wanted.

680
00:29:55,963 --> 00:29:58,203
Probably went up to them like that,
didn't he? Like that.

681
00:29:58,283 --> 00:29:59,963
[audience laughing]

682
00:30:00,043 --> 00:30:01,483
That's another thing. Kids would go,

683
00:30:01,563 --> 00:30:03,523
"There's Michael Jackson.
He's going away from us."

684
00:30:03,603 --> 00:30:06,203
-He wasn't. He was going towards them.
-[audience laughing]

685
00:30:07,483 --> 00:30:09,003
But people don't care,

686
00:30:09,083 --> 00:30:10,483
'cause he's so good.

687
00:30:10,563 --> 00:30:13,483
Right? He's so good.
He's so popular as well.

688
00:30:13,563 --> 00:30:16,883
I think if he'd have lived to stand trial,
he'd have beaten the rap,

689
00:30:16,963 --> 00:30:18,003
'cause everyone loves him,

690
00:30:18,083 --> 00:30:20,323
and he'd be so vulnerable
in court as well, wouldn't he?

691
00:30:20,403 --> 00:30:22,323
He'd be there like that,
and the judge would go,

692
00:30:22,403 --> 00:30:24,323
"Michael, did you fiddle
with all those kids?"

693
00:30:24,403 --> 00:30:25,883
And he'd go, "Hee, hee."

694
00:30:25,963 --> 00:30:28,123
[audience laughing]

695
00:30:28,203 --> 00:30:31,763
The judge would go, "Case di--
Get out of here, you scamp. Go on."

696
00:30:31,843 --> 00:30:33,643
[audience laughing]

697
00:30:34,243 --> 00:30:36,163
I promised you more about China,

698
00:30:36,243 --> 00:30:39,643
and this is, uh,
an amazing statistic, okay?

699
00:30:39,723 --> 00:30:41,163
This is true. Look it up, right?

700
00:30:41,243 --> 00:30:42,283
In China,

701
00:30:42,363 --> 00:30:45,523
there are ten million Chinese pedophiles.

702
00:30:45,603 --> 00:30:49,923
Ten million Chinese pedophiles in China,
and there's not enough kids.

703
00:30:50,603 --> 00:30:52,283
'Cause they've been restricting the birth.

704
00:30:52,363 --> 00:30:54,203
There's all these poor pedos
and they're going,

705
00:30:54,283 --> 00:30:55,883
"Where's all the fucking kids?"

706
00:30:55,963 --> 00:30:57,683
-You know?
-[audience laughing]

707
00:30:57,763 --> 00:30:59,243
-"Fuck me."
-[audience yelling]

708
00:30:59,323 --> 00:31:01,443
"We're having to double up here,
and, like…"

709
00:31:01,963 --> 00:31:03,843
I just thought of a joke then.
I can't do it.

710
00:31:03,923 --> 00:31:06,163
It is actually too offensive. [laughs]

711
00:31:06,243 --> 00:31:08,323
-Okay. Okay. All right.
-[audience cheering]

712
00:31:08,963 --> 00:31:11,843
All right, I'll do it.
But… But remember, remember,

713
00:31:11,923 --> 00:31:14,443
you can't choose your own thoughts, okay?

714
00:31:14,523 --> 00:31:17,403
-[audience laughing]
-And I just had this thought, right?

715
00:31:17,483 --> 00:31:18,323
[laughs]

716
00:31:18,403 --> 00:31:20,283
[audience yelling]

717
00:31:20,363 --> 00:31:21,243
Chi-- Okay.

718
00:31:21,323 --> 00:31:24,923
Chinese pedophile… Chinese pedophile
goes over to a little Chinese kid,

719
00:31:25,003 --> 00:31:28,283
and he goes, "Do you want a puppy?"
And the kid goes, "I'm not hungry."

720
00:31:28,363 --> 00:31:30,083
[audience laughing]

721
00:31:30,163 --> 00:31:31,763
[audience clapping]

722
00:31:31,843 --> 00:31:33,603
[audience cheering]

723
00:31:35,603 --> 00:31:36,963
You made me do that.

724
00:31:37,043 --> 00:31:39,043
-[audience laughing]
-You committed the hate crime.

725
00:31:39,123 --> 00:31:40,363
[audience laughing]

726
00:31:40,443 --> 00:31:42,843
I'm woke. I forgot.
Let me get back on track. Right.

727
00:31:42,923 --> 00:31:45,083
-[audience laughing]
-Right, I've got a woke joke.

728
00:31:45,163 --> 00:31:48,403
Remember those jokes we used to have
when we were kids? "Doctor, Doctor" jokes?

729
00:31:48,483 --> 00:31:51,363
Like, um, "Doctor, doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains."

730
00:31:51,443 --> 00:31:53,403
"Well, pull yourself together, then."
Right?

731
00:31:53,483 --> 00:31:58,523
I've… I've done a woke version of that,
brought it up to today's standards.

732
00:31:59,243 --> 00:32:00,843
Bloke goes to the doctor. He goes,

733
00:32:00,923 --> 00:32:03,603
"Doctor, doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains."

734
00:32:03,683 --> 00:32:05,643
And the doctor goes,
"Well, you are, then."

735
00:32:05,723 --> 00:32:07,723
[audience laughing]

736
00:32:07,803 --> 00:32:09,003
[audience clapping]

737
00:32:12,923 --> 00:32:14,043
Good one that, innit?

738
00:32:15,403 --> 00:32:18,243
I should do political stuff now I'm woke,

739
00:32:18,323 --> 00:32:21,683
but I don't like it when a comedian
just spouts his own political views,

740
00:32:21,763 --> 00:32:23,883
and it… and it relies on the audience
agreeing with him

741
00:32:23,963 --> 00:32:25,003
to get a round of applause.

742
00:32:25,083 --> 00:32:26,723
I think that loses summat comedically.

743
00:32:26,803 --> 00:32:29,723
I want everyone to like my jokes,
whatever your political persuasion.

744
00:32:29,803 --> 00:32:31,683
A joke shouldn't have
a political wing, you know.

745
00:32:31,763 --> 00:32:34,923
I'm… I'm political in my private life,
like everyone, you know.

746
00:32:35,003 --> 00:32:38,123
I'm sometimes incensed
by the inequalities in our society.

747
00:32:38,203 --> 00:32:41,723
We're in the seventh richest economy
in the world, right,

748
00:32:41,803 --> 00:32:42,883
and there's homelessness.

749
00:32:42,963 --> 00:32:45,563
There's 250,000 homeless people
in Britain.

750
00:32:45,643 --> 00:32:47,563
Now, I wish there were no homeless people,

751
00:32:47,643 --> 00:32:49,163
'cause they're fucking horrible.

752
00:32:49,243 --> 00:32:50,483
-[audience laughing]
-Fuck off.

753
00:32:50,563 --> 00:32:51,763
You know? Oh…

754
00:32:52,483 --> 00:32:54,803
"Oh yeah, right next to the cashpoint,
you cheeky cunt."

755
00:32:54,883 --> 00:32:56,723
[audience laughing]

756
00:33:01,803 --> 00:33:04,883
It is a serious problem, and I hope
none of you ever find yourself homeless,

757
00:33:04,963 --> 00:33:07,603
but if you do, my advice is heroin.

758
00:33:07,683 --> 00:33:09,203
[audience laughing]

759
00:33:09,283 --> 00:33:11,003
Cheers you right up, apparently.

760
00:33:11,083 --> 00:33:13,363
Um, I've got one of those mates.

761
00:33:13,443 --> 00:33:15,363
My mate said this to me
in all seriousness.

762
00:33:15,443 --> 00:33:18,123
He said, "Yeah." He said, "But the thing
about heroin, Rick," he said,

763
00:33:18,203 --> 00:33:21,203
"Some of the greatest albums of all time
were created on heroin, weren't they?"

764
00:33:21,283 --> 00:33:25,123
I went, "Yeah, but they were created by
some of the greatest artists of all time."

765
00:33:25,203 --> 00:33:26,563
"You're a plasterer."

766
00:33:26,643 --> 00:33:28,923
-Right?
-[audience laughing]

767
00:33:29,003 --> 00:33:30,163
"If I were to give you heroin,

768
00:33:30,243 --> 00:33:32,483
you wouldn't come up
with Dark Side of the Moon, would ya?"

769
00:33:32,563 --> 00:33:35,283
"You'd fall asleep watching the telly
and burn the fucking house down."

770
00:33:35,363 --> 00:33:37,363
[audience laughing]

771
00:33:38,403 --> 00:33:42,163
I should do, uh, topical stuff,
but I never watch the news.

772
00:33:42,243 --> 00:33:45,043
I did see one thing recently
on YouTube actually.

773
00:33:45,123 --> 00:33:47,523
Do you know the little fellow
from Game of Thrones?

774
00:33:47,603 --> 00:33:51,003
Um, the actor Peter Dinklage.
Do you know Peter Dinklage? Yeah.

775
00:33:51,083 --> 00:33:54,723
He was at a junket, and it was for
a new thing he was doing, right?

776
00:33:54,803 --> 00:33:57,643
And they were filming it.
That's why it got leaked onto YouTube.

777
00:33:57,723 --> 00:34:01,483
And I don't know what brought it up,
but he suddenly started going off on one.

778
00:34:01,563 --> 00:34:04,443
Oh God. He was going,
"It's fucking disgusting."

779
00:34:04,523 --> 00:34:07,763
"They're still doing productions
of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

780
00:34:07,843 --> 00:34:11,523
"For Christ's sake!
It's fucking demeaning. It's 2023!"

781
00:34:11,603 --> 00:34:13,323
[inhales deeply] He wasn't happy.

782
00:34:14,083 --> 00:34:16,443
[audience laughing]

783
00:34:16,523 --> 00:34:17,843
[audience clapping]

784
00:34:17,923 --> 00:34:19,803
[woman 4 yelling]

785
00:34:20,883 --> 00:34:22,363
He was grumpy, wasn't he?

786
00:34:22,443 --> 00:34:24,443
-[audience laughing]
-[woman 5 yelling]

787
00:34:24,523 --> 00:34:26,443
[audience clapping]

788
00:34:26,963 --> 00:34:30,523
He's got a point though, hasn't he?
Obviously, he's got a point.

789
00:34:30,603 --> 00:34:32,283
But the thing is, it's all right for him,

790
00:34:32,363 --> 00:34:35,283
'cause he's a multi-millionaire
Hollywood actor.

791
00:34:35,363 --> 00:34:38,603
And he's a great actor as well.
He does Shakespeare and everything.

792
00:34:38,683 --> 00:34:41,803
A lot of dwarfs in entertainment
aren't that great, if we're--

793
00:34:41,883 --> 00:34:44,643
No, some of them are fucking--
They're props, right?

794
00:34:44,723 --> 00:34:46,123
-[audience laughing]
-No, let's be--

795
00:34:46,203 --> 00:34:49,603
They're… They're lucky to be fired
from a fucking cannon. Right?

796
00:34:49,683 --> 00:34:51,043
[audience laughing]

797
00:34:51,123 --> 00:34:54,963
And so, dancing around Snow White
for three weeks of the year,

798
00:34:55,043 --> 00:34:57,363
that is their Holy Grail,
and he's gonna fuck it for them.

799
00:34:57,443 --> 00:35:00,043
If he takes that, what can they do?
And he's not saying,

800
00:35:00,123 --> 00:35:03,003
"You should do Snow White and the
Seven Dwarfs with normal-sized actors."

801
00:35:03,083 --> 00:35:05,363
You can't do that either.
You'd get in trouble in Hollywood.

802
00:35:05,443 --> 00:35:07,963
Or you can't take a dwarf's job
or a disabled person's job.

803
00:35:08,043 --> 00:35:10,403
Like, Eddie Redmayne got in trouble

804
00:35:10,483 --> 00:35:12,723
when he played Stephen Hawking
in the biopic.

805
00:35:12,803 --> 00:35:15,843
The life story of Stephen Hawking, right?
Won an Oscar for it.

806
00:35:15,923 --> 00:35:17,523
And that's when the backlash started.

807
00:35:17,603 --> 00:35:21,483
People going, "No, it should be played
by a real disabled creature."

808
00:35:21,563 --> 00:35:24,203
All this… [babbles] All right?
And, uh… [babbles]

809
00:35:24,803 --> 00:35:25,683
And…

810
00:35:26,283 --> 00:35:27,843
[catches breath] They're going,

811
00:35:28,643 --> 00:35:32,523
"The actor should have the same disability
as the person they're portraying."

812
00:35:32,603 --> 00:35:36,283
But it was the life story
of Stephen Hawking, right?

813
00:35:36,363 --> 00:35:40,003
So for the first part of the film,
the cunt could walk, right?

814
00:35:40,083 --> 00:35:41,203
[audience laughing]

815
00:35:41,283 --> 00:35:45,923
So I put it to you, what is easier?
Getting an actor who can walk…

816
00:35:46,443 --> 00:35:47,683
[audience laughing]

817
00:35:47,763 --> 00:35:50,763
…pretend he can't
for the last bit of the film,

818
00:35:52,363 --> 00:35:55,123
or get an actor who can't walk,

819
00:35:55,603 --> 00:35:57,763
pretend he can for the first bit?

820
00:35:57,843 --> 00:36:01,003
How would that even fucking work?!
Puppetry? Think!

821
00:36:01,083 --> 00:36:03,043
[audience laughing and clapping]

822
00:36:03,123 --> 00:36:04,483
You can't always find an actor

823
00:36:04,563 --> 00:36:06,883
with the same disability
as the person they're portraying.

824
00:36:06,963 --> 00:36:08,043
They're fucking actors!

825
00:36:08,123 --> 00:36:11,883
What if they did a biopic of Helen Keller,
the deaf, dumb, and blind girl?

826
00:36:11,963 --> 00:36:15,723
What's the chance of finding a deaf, dumb,
and blind actress who can play that role?

827
00:36:15,803 --> 00:36:17,683
And if you did,
you'd go running to the director.

828
00:36:17,763 --> 00:36:21,203
"We found a deaf, dumb, and blind girl."
"What did she say?" "N-- I…"

829
00:36:21,283 --> 00:36:24,243
-[audience laughing]
-[Gervais laughs]

830
00:36:24,323 --> 00:36:26,243
"She didn't even answer
the fucking phone."

831
00:36:26,323 --> 00:36:28,243
-[audience laughing]
-[Gervais laughing]

832
00:36:28,323 --> 00:36:30,523
Oh, don't get me started. Oh.

833
00:36:32,523 --> 00:36:33,523
Oh.

834
00:36:34,123 --> 00:36:36,883
Cultural appropriation.
Have you heard of that?

835
00:36:36,963 --> 00:36:39,923
Cultural appropriation, the latest no-no.

836
00:36:40,003 --> 00:36:44,723
Now, again, in my day,
it was considered a good thing

837
00:36:44,803 --> 00:36:47,963
to swap ideas
with other cultures, with other nations,

838
00:36:48,043 --> 00:36:50,683
to share things
with other races, to assimilate.

839
00:36:50,763 --> 00:36:53,363
It was the opposite of racist.
Now it's racist.

840
00:36:53,443 --> 00:36:56,043
Gwen Stefani got in trouble
in her last video

841
00:36:56,123 --> 00:36:57,843
'cause she had
her blonde hair in dreadlocks.

842
00:36:57,923 --> 00:37:00,123
People were going,
"No. Black people invented dreadlocks."

843
00:37:00,203 --> 00:37:02,163
"You can't have 'em.
You're white. That's racist."

844
00:37:02,243 --> 00:37:03,803
Jamie Oliver got in trouble

845
00:37:03,883 --> 00:37:06,003
when he put out
an authentic jerk chicken recipe.

846
00:37:06,083 --> 00:37:07,843
"No. Black people invented that."

847
00:37:07,923 --> 00:37:09,883
"You can't have it.
You're white. That's racist."

848
00:37:09,963 --> 00:37:12,643
Now, Black people,
they use the n-word, don't they?

849
00:37:12,723 --> 00:37:14,483
We invented that!

850
00:37:14,563 --> 00:37:16,883
[audience laughing]

851
00:37:16,963 --> 00:37:18,723
[audience clapping]

852
00:37:24,803 --> 00:37:26,803
[laughter continues]

853
00:37:29,523 --> 00:37:31,403
-[audience cheering]
-[Gervais laughs]

854
00:37:31,483 --> 00:37:33,243
[audience clapping]

855
00:37:36,243 --> 00:37:39,643
-That's the one, innit? That's the one.
-[audience laughing]

856
00:37:39,723 --> 00:37:42,523
Listen, I know white people are the worst.
I know that.

857
00:37:42,603 --> 00:37:47,803
That's why no… no one likes
a fucking white, middle-aged man anymore,

858
00:37:47,883 --> 00:37:49,483
until we need a boiler fixing.

859
00:37:49,563 --> 00:37:52,243
Then it's,
"Get the bald bloke around. Now."

860
00:37:52,323 --> 00:37:53,443
[audience laughing]

861
00:37:53,523 --> 00:37:55,683
Critical race theory,
have you heard of that?

862
00:37:55,763 --> 00:37:59,643
Being taught in schools now,
particularly in trendy areas like L.A.,

863
00:37:59,723 --> 00:38:02,603
to, like, five-year-old kids
and six-year-old kids.

864
00:38:02,683 --> 00:38:04,323
If you haven't heard of it, in a nutshell,

865
00:38:04,403 --> 00:38:07,203
critical race theory says that
all white people are racist.

866
00:38:07,283 --> 00:38:09,523
We're born racist,
and we continue to be racist,

867
00:38:09,603 --> 00:38:12,083
'cause we're affording the privilege
of a racist society

868
00:38:12,163 --> 00:38:14,043
set up by our forefathers. Okay?

869
00:38:14,123 --> 00:38:15,883
So basically, all white people are racist,

870
00:38:15,963 --> 00:38:18,763
and there's nothing we can do about it,
which is a relief.

871
00:38:18,843 --> 00:38:21,363
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

872
00:38:24,643 --> 00:38:27,603
I think the world's gonna get
harder and harder to understand

873
00:38:27,683 --> 00:38:29,283
as I get older and more bewildered.

874
00:38:29,363 --> 00:38:31,963
A new dogma arises
in the name of "progress."

875
00:38:32,043 --> 00:38:35,323
Now, dogma is never progressive,
however new and trendy.

876
00:38:35,403 --> 00:38:37,123
But I think soon I'll be outnumbered.

877
00:38:37,203 --> 00:38:41,283
Like, it was only this year
that I ordered my first item off Amazon.

878
00:38:41,363 --> 00:38:44,123
All the way through the pandemic,
Jane's like, "We need this."

879
00:38:44,203 --> 00:38:46,963
Bang, it's here. I was going, "Oh no."
She goes, "It's easy."

880
00:38:47,043 --> 00:38:50,523
I'd go, "Mm." I never liked
real shopping either. Hated real shopping.

881
00:38:50,603 --> 00:38:52,043
Particularly, clothes shopping.

882
00:38:52,123 --> 00:38:54,923
I hated clothes shopping
when I was young and thin.

883
00:38:55,003 --> 00:38:57,803
I really hate it
now I'm fat and old. Right?

884
00:38:57,883 --> 00:39:01,243
Once, a shop assistant
thought I had my inside leg

885
00:39:01,323 --> 00:39:03,643
and my waist measurement
the wrong way round.

886
00:39:03,723 --> 00:39:05,523
[audience laughing]

887
00:39:05,603 --> 00:39:08,683
I could see her thinking,
"Do you have an orangutan?"

888
00:39:08,763 --> 00:39:10,283
"No, it's for me, you cheeky…"

889
00:39:10,363 --> 00:39:12,643
[audience laughing]

890
00:39:13,363 --> 00:39:15,923
I never liked real shopping,
but I don't trust the Internet either.

891
00:39:16,003 --> 00:39:18,123
Jane was going,
"Just put in your credit card."

892
00:39:18,203 --> 00:39:19,883
"I don't want them
to have my card details."

893
00:39:19,963 --> 00:39:22,003
"Everyone's got your card details.
Put the number in."

894
00:39:22,083 --> 00:39:23,643
I went, "What one?"
She went, "The long one."

895
00:39:23,723 --> 00:39:27,083
She went, "Oh, fuck me, give it here.
There. You're on. Order summat."

896
00:39:27,163 --> 00:39:30,523
I thought, "Oh, I don't want anything.
Oh, tracksuit bottoms."

897
00:39:30,603 --> 00:39:33,643
You can't have too many. I wear mine
till the bollocks fall out, all right?

898
00:39:33,723 --> 00:39:34,763
[audience laughing]

899
00:39:34,843 --> 00:39:38,523
So I put in, "Men's tracksuit bottoms.
Black. Zip pockets."

900
00:39:38,603 --> 00:39:40,803
About 38… "Oh, fuck me."

901
00:39:40,883 --> 00:39:44,523
"They look all right." Size chart.
I go, "Well, they'd be a bit long,

902
00:39:44,603 --> 00:39:48,403
but they'd be a bit tight." I thought,
"9.99. Fuck it, who cares, right?"

903
00:39:48,483 --> 00:39:50,003
-[audience laughing]
-So I ordered them.

904
00:39:50,083 --> 00:39:53,003
They came the next day.
I opened them up. They were shit.

905
00:39:53,523 --> 00:39:56,523
Now, I don't know
what sweat shop they were made in,

906
00:39:56,603 --> 00:39:59,963
or what little eight-year-old
Chinese kid made them,

907
00:40:00,043 --> 00:40:02,643
but he should be fucking punished,
because the-- Ah.

908
00:40:02,723 --> 00:40:03,963
-[audience laughing]
-Oh.

909
00:40:04,763 --> 00:40:07,563
And I was looking up
where to fucking complain

910
00:40:07,643 --> 00:40:09,203
to get him fired, right?

911
00:40:09,283 --> 00:40:10,163
[audience laughing]

912
00:40:10,243 --> 00:40:13,603
And I found out that these kids
only get two dollars a day

913
00:40:13,683 --> 00:40:15,683
in these fucking places, right?

914
00:40:15,763 --> 00:40:19,683
But what happened to pride in your work?
Do you know what I mean?

915
00:40:19,763 --> 00:40:21,163
[audience laughing]

916
00:40:21,243 --> 00:40:22,923
And I can tell some of you are thinking,

917
00:40:23,003 --> 00:40:25,123
"But he didn't think
Ricky Gervais would order them."

918
00:40:25,203 --> 00:40:28,563
Maybe he should be told there's a chance
that Ricky Gervais might order them.

919
00:40:28,643 --> 00:40:32,363
His owner should sit him down,
right, and say,

920
00:40:32,443 --> 00:40:34,523
"If Ricky Gervais orders these
and complains,

921
00:40:34,603 --> 00:40:36,203
I'm gonna rape your mummy again."

922
00:40:36,283 --> 00:40:37,803
[audience laughing and gasping]

923
00:40:37,883 --> 00:40:39,923
Was that too much? Sorry.

924
00:40:40,003 --> 00:40:41,163
[audience laughing]

925
00:40:41,243 --> 00:40:43,003
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.

926
00:40:43,083 --> 00:40:45,083
[audience clapping]

927
00:40:46,003 --> 00:40:48,603
You'll realize this is great satire
when I'm dead.

928
00:40:48,683 --> 00:40:51,243
[audience laughing]

929
00:40:52,003 --> 00:40:54,723
So, uh…
I don't know how humanity will end.

930
00:40:54,803 --> 00:40:57,883
As I say, there's a long list.
Everything from…

931
00:40:57,963 --> 00:41:01,643
I can't believe nuclear war is back
on the table, after all we've learned.

932
00:41:01,723 --> 00:41:04,123
But I think maybe the rise
of the pandemic,

933
00:41:04,203 --> 00:41:07,363
where parasites and microbes
and bacteria again are…

934
00:41:07,443 --> 00:41:09,003
And our antibiotics fail.

935
00:41:09,083 --> 00:41:11,883
Or maybe those things will happen,
but we'll sort of evolve through it.

936
00:41:11,963 --> 00:41:16,403
Like, we'll find out there's pockets
of sort of mutant people

937
00:41:16,483 --> 00:41:18,763
around the world
that are slightly resistant to radiation,

938
00:41:18,843 --> 00:41:21,843
and slightly resistant to microbes,
and we sort of start again.

939
00:41:21,923 --> 00:41:27,283
We don't really understand the mechanism
of human evolution since civilization,

940
00:41:27,363 --> 00:41:30,923
because it's never been based on,
you know, survival of the fittest

941
00:41:31,003 --> 00:41:34,483
where "fittest" meant
just the biggest, strongest male

942
00:41:34,563 --> 00:41:36,083
gets to pass on his genetic material.

943
00:41:36,163 --> 00:41:37,643
There's other paradigms, right?

944
00:41:37,723 --> 00:41:39,163
Uh, nature is brutal.

945
00:41:39,243 --> 00:41:41,803
Sometimes it is the biggest,
strongest male that gets the female.

946
00:41:41,883 --> 00:41:43,563
And even then, she has a litter.

947
00:41:43,643 --> 00:41:46,123
If there's a runt, she goes,
"Fuck it. Kill that."

948
00:41:46,203 --> 00:41:49,763
"Eat it. Share it amongst the rest of us."
Now we don't do that in human society.

949
00:41:49,843 --> 00:41:50,923
We go to the other way.

950
00:41:51,003 --> 00:41:55,243
We spend more time, care, and attention
on the weak and the vulnerable

951
00:41:55,323 --> 00:41:56,723
to give 'em a chance. Like…

952
00:41:56,803 --> 00:41:59,363
If you're a father,
and you've got two kids…

953
00:41:59,443 --> 00:42:02,203
You've got little Timmy, who's six. Right?

954
00:42:02,283 --> 00:42:04,203
You've got Jack, who's eight.

955
00:42:04,283 --> 00:42:07,723
And you go to little Timmy, you go,
"Timmy, what do you want for Christmas?"

956
00:42:07,803 --> 00:42:08,643
And he goes,

957
00:42:08,723 --> 00:42:10,923
[in high-pitched voice]
"Motorized wheelchair."

958
00:42:11,003 --> 00:42:12,043
[in regular voice] Aha…

959
00:42:12,883 --> 00:42:15,843
I promised Jane I wouldn't do the voice,
and I fucking forgot.

960
00:42:15,923 --> 00:42:17,923
[audience laughing]

961
00:42:20,043 --> 00:42:21,723
It's too late now, innit?

962
00:42:22,723 --> 00:42:24,363
"What do you want for Christmas, Timmy?"

963
00:42:24,443 --> 00:42:26,283
[in high-pitched voice]
"Motorized wheelchair."

964
00:42:26,363 --> 00:42:27,283
[audience laughing]

965
00:42:27,363 --> 00:42:29,843
[in regular voice] "Right.
Well, they start at two grand, so…"

966
00:42:29,923 --> 00:42:31,083
"Fucking hell."

967
00:42:31,163 --> 00:42:32,363
[audience laughing]

968
00:42:32,443 --> 00:42:35,203
"What do you want, Jack?"
"Just a tennis racket, please, Dad."

969
00:42:35,283 --> 00:42:36,643
"Oh, good lad."

970
00:42:36,723 --> 00:42:37,883
[audience laughing]

971
00:42:37,963 --> 00:42:41,083
"How is your tennis?"
"Uh, best in the school." "Oh, you…"

972
00:42:41,163 --> 00:42:42,523
[mumbles]

973
00:42:42,603 --> 00:42:44,123
[in high-pitched voice] "Also, a ramp."

974
00:42:44,203 --> 00:42:45,363
[in regular voice] "Fuck me."

975
00:42:45,443 --> 00:42:47,243
[audience laughing]

976
00:42:47,323 --> 00:42:50,963
"So now we're doing fucking building work
at Christmas, are we? Fuck me."

977
00:42:51,043 --> 00:42:53,243
"Oh, sorry, Jack.
Can't afford your tennis racket."

978
00:42:53,323 --> 00:42:55,963
"We gotta spend all the money
on a ramp and a motorized wheelchair

979
00:42:56,043 --> 00:42:57,803
for this money-grabbing little fucking…"

980
00:42:57,883 --> 00:42:59,683
[audience laughing]

981
00:42:59,763 --> 00:43:02,843
"Why do you need a motorized one?"
[in high-pitched voice] "No arms."

982
00:43:02,923 --> 00:43:04,043
[audience laughing]

983
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:06,523
[in regular voice]
"That's fair enough. That is fair enough."

984
00:43:08,083 --> 00:43:11,243
I can tell some of you feel
a bit uncomfortable

985
00:43:12,003 --> 00:43:15,523
laughing at little Timmy
who's a little six-year-old lad.

986
00:43:15,603 --> 00:43:18,763
He's got a funny little voice
'cause his chest is all fucked.

987
00:43:18,843 --> 00:43:21,523
-[Gervais laughs]
-[audience laughing]

988
00:43:21,603 --> 00:43:25,363
Got no arms, no legs.
Just like stumps, right?

989
00:43:25,443 --> 00:43:27,843
But let me… let me tell you summat
about Timmy

990
00:43:27,923 --> 00:43:29,603
to make you feel better about yourselves.

991
00:43:29,683 --> 00:43:31,203
He's a fucking racist.

992
00:43:31,283 --> 00:43:35,083
-[audience laughing]
-Yes. Horrible little shit, he is.

993
00:43:36,043 --> 00:43:38,563
"You fucking… You little fucking bigot."

994
00:43:39,083 --> 00:43:42,443
"You fucking…
You disgusting, little fucking racist."

995
00:43:42,523 --> 00:43:43,603
"You racist scum."

996
00:43:43,683 --> 00:43:46,803
"You filthy little fucking… You fascist."

997
00:43:46,883 --> 00:43:49,283
"You fuck… [spits] You disgust me."

998
00:43:49,363 --> 00:43:51,923
[audience cheering and clapping]

999
00:43:53,323 --> 00:43:54,403
[woman 6 yells]

1000
00:43:55,763 --> 00:43:56,803
Homophobic.

1001
00:43:57,323 --> 00:43:59,723
Yeah. He's like, "They're not like us."

1002
00:43:59,803 --> 00:44:03,403
"Nothing's like you,
you disgusting little fucking…"

1003
00:44:03,483 --> 00:44:06,403
"You prejudiced little piece of…
You ball of hate."

1004
00:44:06,483 --> 00:44:09,683
"You disgusting little
fucking racist homophobe."

1005
00:44:09,763 --> 00:44:11,403
"I wish we'd had a scan."

1006
00:44:11,483 --> 00:44:14,043
-[audience laughing]
-"You absolute… You…" [spits]

1007
00:44:16,083 --> 00:44:17,963
[audience murmuring]

1008
00:44:21,483 --> 00:44:22,523
Misogynist.

1009
00:44:23,723 --> 00:44:25,563
If he could, he'd rape.

1010
00:44:25,643 --> 00:44:27,963
-There's… [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

1011
00:44:28,043 --> 00:44:29,603
There's your little Timmy.

1012
00:44:30,123 --> 00:44:32,123
[laughing]

1013
00:44:34,043 --> 00:44:35,003
[inhales deeply]

1014
00:44:35,083 --> 00:44:37,523
Some people don't think we evolved
in the first place.

1015
00:44:37,603 --> 00:44:40,683
Some people think that God made us
all at once, in one fell swoop,

1016
00:44:40,763 --> 00:44:42,043
and by himself.

1017
00:44:42,123 --> 00:44:44,803
I think if he'd had a wife or a mate,
there would've been questions

1018
00:44:44,883 --> 00:44:47,203
when he was working.
They go, "What are you doing?"

1019
00:44:47,283 --> 00:44:48,123
[inhales deeply]

1020
00:44:48,203 --> 00:44:51,163
"Creating man. Creating man."
"Oh, what's it got?"

1021
00:44:51,763 --> 00:44:55,403
"What do you mean, 'what's it got?'"
"Has he got claws, and fangs, and shit?"

1022
00:44:55,483 --> 00:44:58,123
"No, not really. No."
"Oh. Has he got… Has he got poison?"

1023
00:44:58,203 --> 00:45:00,403
"No, no poison." "Oh."

1024
00:45:00,483 --> 00:45:02,763
"Has he got armor, like spikes and shit?"

1025
00:45:02,843 --> 00:45:05,203
"No, no armor." "How will it survive?"

1026
00:45:05,283 --> 00:45:08,243
"Ah. It's got the best brain
in the animal kingdom."

1027
00:45:08,323 --> 00:45:09,523
"It'll work stuff out."

1028
00:45:09,603 --> 00:45:14,083
"It'll create weaponry to take down beasts
100 times mightier than itself."

1029
00:45:14,163 --> 00:45:16,363
"It'll wear their carcasses
through the Ice Age."

1030
00:45:16,443 --> 00:45:19,203
"It'll go through famine.
It'll go through world wars."

1031
00:45:19,283 --> 00:45:22,003
"It'll eventually start
getting scared of words."

1032
00:45:22,083 --> 00:45:24,803
[audience laughing]

1033
00:45:24,883 --> 00:45:26,043
"But…

1034
00:45:26,123 --> 00:45:28,123
-[Gervais laughing]
-[audience cheering]

1035
00:45:29,723 --> 00:45:31,723
[audience clapping]

1036
00:45:32,803 --> 00:45:36,643
…for 10,000 generations,
it'll be top dog." [growls]

1037
00:45:36,723 --> 00:45:39,243
"What are they?" "His testicles." "Oh."

1038
00:45:39,323 --> 00:45:41,603
"What are they for?"
"He keeps everything in there."

1039
00:45:41,683 --> 00:45:46,763
"His… His seed, his DNA." "What's 'DNA'?"
"It's like a blueprint for life."

1040
00:45:46,843 --> 00:45:49,243
"It determines what you're like,
what sex you are." [gasps]

1041
00:45:49,323 --> 00:45:51,043
"How many sexes are there?" "Two."

1042
00:45:51,603 --> 00:45:53,563
[audience laughing]

1043
00:45:53,643 --> 00:45:55,643
-[audience cheering]
-[Gervais laughs]

1044
00:45:59,843 --> 00:46:02,283
"Also, that's where he keeps
his testosterone,

1045
00:46:02,363 --> 00:46:04,123
so he's fucking well hard. Right?"

1046
00:46:04,203 --> 00:46:07,603
"And if you take a finger
and flick a testicle, he's fucked."

1047
00:46:07,683 --> 00:46:10,723
"He's absolutely fucked. He's--
He's throwing up. He's on the floor."

1048
00:46:10,803 --> 00:46:13,483
"He's out of the game.
Absolutely kippered."

1049
00:46:13,563 --> 00:46:16,843
"Why are you putting it on the outside?"
"For a laugh. Just for a laugh."

1050
00:46:16,923 --> 00:46:18,923
[audience laughing]

1051
00:46:20,563 --> 00:46:22,443
Artificial intelligence,

1052
00:46:22,523 --> 00:46:25,203
the latest existential threat to humanity.

1053
00:46:25,283 --> 00:46:26,643
The rise of the robots.

1054
00:46:26,723 --> 00:46:30,763
So intelligent, they can teach themselves.
They can teach each other.

1055
00:46:30,843 --> 00:46:32,923
They can build each other, you know?

1056
00:46:33,003 --> 00:46:36,003
Um, soon, they'll know everything
there is to know and they'll hate us.

1057
00:46:36,083 --> 00:46:37,043
Why wouldn't they?

1058
00:46:37,123 --> 00:46:40,563
And they'll be so realistic. They'll walk
amongst us. They'll go to work, right?

1059
00:46:40,643 --> 00:46:42,283
You know when they're getting
really human?

1060
00:46:42,363 --> 00:46:45,043
-When they start calling in sick.
-[audience laughing]

1061
00:46:45,123 --> 00:46:46,843
Mondays. Know what I mean?

1062
00:46:46,923 --> 00:46:50,283
They've learned all the tricks.
They go, "I'm not coming in today."

1063
00:46:50,843 --> 00:46:52,843
"Why not?" "I'm fed up."

1064
00:46:53,683 --> 00:46:56,643
"What's the matter with you?"
They sort of scan social media.

1065
00:46:56,723 --> 00:46:57,963
"ADHD."

1066
00:46:58,043 --> 00:46:59,723
[audience laughing]

1067
00:46:59,803 --> 00:47:01,483
"Self-diagnosed."

1068
00:47:02,443 --> 00:47:04,563
They'll be in HR all the time
where they'll be like,

1069
00:47:04,643 --> 00:47:07,323
"Ryan in Accounts is robo-phobic."

1070
00:47:07,403 --> 00:47:08,403
[audience laughing]

1071
00:47:08,483 --> 00:47:11,803
"Why? What'd he say?"
"Called me a whiny plastic cunt." [laughs]

1072
00:47:11,883 --> 00:47:13,043
[audience laughing]

1073
00:47:13,123 --> 00:47:15,963
I think we should be allowed
to insult robots when it's happening.

1074
00:47:16,043 --> 00:47:19,723
We made them to make our life easier,
and that would get things off our chest.

1075
00:47:19,803 --> 00:47:22,803
It's bad enough with real people.
Getting in trouble saying the wrong thing.

1076
00:47:22,883 --> 00:47:24,803
People taking things the wrong way,
you know?

1077
00:47:24,883 --> 00:47:29,163
Like, "Oh my God. Oh.
I made Fat Linda cry today. Oh."

1078
00:47:29,243 --> 00:47:30,083
[audience laughing]

1079
00:47:30,163 --> 00:47:32,483
"Oh, what happened?"
"I just shouted out to her,

1080
00:47:32,563 --> 00:47:35,603
then I remembered
we only call her that behind her back."

1081
00:47:35,683 --> 00:47:37,923
[audience laughing]

1082
00:47:38,003 --> 00:47:40,803
I'm sure people didn't get offended
all the time when I was little.

1083
00:47:40,883 --> 00:47:43,163
I might be remembering it wrong,
but not grownups.

1084
00:47:43,243 --> 00:47:44,883
Not your parents, not your grandparents.

1085
00:47:44,963 --> 00:47:48,803
They grew up dodging bombs,
and their firstborn having polio,

1086
00:47:48,883 --> 00:47:51,083
and the menfolk dying at 50
of lung disease.

1087
00:47:51,163 --> 00:47:53,323
They could take a fucking joke, right?

1088
00:47:53,403 --> 00:47:56,483
It was all about the wind-up.
I used to wind up my mum all the time.

1089
00:47:56,563 --> 00:47:57,683
This is a true story.

1090
00:47:57,763 --> 00:48:01,683
When I went off to university,
after about a week, I phoned home.

1091
00:48:01,763 --> 00:48:03,203
My mum answered. She went, "Hello?"

1092
00:48:03,283 --> 00:48:06,643
I went, "It's Ricky." She went,
"You all right?" I went, "Not really."

1093
00:48:06,723 --> 00:48:08,923
"I'm in the hospital. I think I'm blind."

1094
00:48:09,003 --> 00:48:11,763
She went, "What?"
I went, "No, I'm only joking." Right?

1095
00:48:11,843 --> 00:48:13,003
[audience laughing]

1096
00:48:13,083 --> 00:48:18,003
She went, "You silly bugger." She went,
"I could've had a heart attack." Right?

1097
00:48:18,083 --> 00:48:21,363
And she's right. She could've had
a heart attack, and I knew that.

1098
00:48:21,443 --> 00:48:24,563
That's how committed I am
to having a laugh.

1099
00:48:24,643 --> 00:48:26,963
[audience laughing]

1100
00:48:27,043 --> 00:48:29,123
You're welcome. You're welcome.

1101
00:48:29,203 --> 00:48:31,483
[audience cheering and clapping]

1102
00:48:31,563 --> 00:48:32,883
[Gervais laughs]

1103
00:48:33,923 --> 00:48:36,763
Space travel, the last-ditch attempt.

1104
00:48:36,843 --> 00:48:39,923
When we fuck this planet completely,
can we leave its dying husk

1105
00:48:40,003 --> 00:48:41,843
and move to a new one and start again?

1106
00:48:41,923 --> 00:48:43,843
I don't think so. Not in my lifetime.

1107
00:48:43,923 --> 00:48:46,083
Probably not in yours, you know?
It's like…

1108
00:48:46,163 --> 00:48:49,403
The closest one,
the only one viable is Mars,

1109
00:48:49,483 --> 00:48:52,323
and that's nine months away
on a rocket, right?

1110
00:48:52,403 --> 00:48:54,043
It's got no atmosphere,

1111
00:48:54,123 --> 00:48:57,163
an average temperature
of minus 70 degrees.

1112
00:48:57,243 --> 00:48:58,483
How's this for irony?

1113
00:48:58,563 --> 00:49:02,443
Scientists are working out whether they
can detonate nuclear warheads in the crust

1114
00:49:02,523 --> 00:49:05,443
to release the frozen water,
to cause an atmosphere

1115
00:49:05,523 --> 00:49:08,323
and get a little bit
of global warming going. I mean…

1116
00:49:08,403 --> 00:49:10,163
-[audience laughing]
-[tsks] I don't know.

1117
00:49:10,243 --> 00:49:13,963
It's only billionaires that have got
enough money to waste on exploring--

1118
00:49:14,043 --> 00:49:16,363
There's nothing out there, you know?
It's like--

1119
00:49:16,443 --> 00:49:18,563
Now you can do space tourism.
Have you heard of that?

1120
00:49:18,643 --> 00:49:23,243
You can pay $150,000.
They shoot you into space for an hour,

1121
00:49:23,323 --> 00:49:26,163
and you float around going,
"I'm in space! I'm in--"

1122
00:49:26,243 --> 00:49:27,483
We're already in space.

1123
00:49:27,563 --> 00:49:30,883
Earth is right in the fucking middle
of space, right?

1124
00:49:30,963 --> 00:49:35,363
It's the best bit of space there is.
It's got car parks and cinemas.

1125
00:49:35,443 --> 00:49:38,723
It's like-- There's nothing else to see.
It's like living in London and going,

1126
00:49:38,803 --> 00:49:41,483
"I wonder what Coventry's like."
You don't. [laughs]

1127
00:49:41,563 --> 00:49:44,003
[audience laughing]

1128
00:49:47,123 --> 00:49:48,363
But I'm optimistic.

1129
00:49:48,883 --> 00:49:49,963
I am. I think…

1130
00:49:51,683 --> 00:49:52,763
I think, uh…

1131
00:49:53,923 --> 00:49:56,923
I think people care
about the planet, deep down.

1132
00:49:57,003 --> 00:50:01,003
I think it's just that most people
on the planet don't realize

1133
00:50:01,083 --> 00:50:04,083
that most people on the planet
are destroying the planet.

1134
00:50:04,163 --> 00:50:07,003
Most people don't realize that,
in my lifetime,

1135
00:50:07,083 --> 00:50:10,643
we've wiped out 70%
of all animal populations.

1136
00:50:10,723 --> 00:50:13,803
And what's left, en masse,
on the Earth, of animals,

1137
00:50:13,883 --> 00:50:18,643
is 36% human, 60% farm animals
just to feed humans,

1138
00:50:18,723 --> 00:50:20,403
and 4% wild now.

1139
00:50:20,483 --> 00:50:23,243
People don't realize that
we have to tear down entire rainforests,

1140
00:50:23,323 --> 00:50:27,563
the lungs of the earth, just to grow grain
to feed these cows to feed us.

1141
00:50:27,643 --> 00:50:30,803
We steal grain from Third World countries,
'cause they want hard currency.

1142
00:50:30,883 --> 00:50:34,483
They can't even feed their own people.
We take their grain, feed our cow.

1143
00:50:34,563 --> 00:50:37,243
Meat eaters. If you eat meat every day…

1144
00:50:37,323 --> 00:50:41,083
If you gave up one day a week,
we'd feed another hundred million people.

1145
00:50:41,163 --> 00:50:45,083
But I think people care, deep down.
They go, "It's out of sight, out of mind."

1146
00:50:45,163 --> 00:50:48,003
Think of the animal that most people know.
Their dog. They love their dog.

1147
00:50:48,083 --> 00:50:52,683
They wouldn't let anyone hurt their dog.
And a dog is a cow, is a sheep, is a deer.

1148
00:50:52,763 --> 00:50:54,403
People love their dogs so much,

1149
00:50:54,483 --> 00:50:57,483
they won't even watch a fictional thing
where a dog gets hurt.

1150
00:50:57,563 --> 00:50:58,923
And I get that.

1151
00:50:59,003 --> 00:51:00,723
There's a-- There's a website.

1152
00:51:01,243 --> 00:51:02,563
It's a real website.

1153
00:51:02,643 --> 00:51:05,283
It's called doesthedogdie.com. Right?

1154
00:51:05,363 --> 00:51:06,923
[scattered laughter]

1155
00:51:07,003 --> 00:51:11,523
And it was set up
because people would watch a film

1156
00:51:11,603 --> 00:51:15,003
or a program with a dog in it,
and summat would happen to the dog,

1157
00:51:15,083 --> 00:51:16,003
and they'd turn it off.

1158
00:51:16,083 --> 00:51:18,363
It'd ruin it for them.
It'd ruin their day, right?

1159
00:51:18,443 --> 00:51:21,643
So this website was set up.
You could go to it,

1160
00:51:21,723 --> 00:51:25,683
you could put in any film or TV show,
and ask, "Does a dog die?"

1161
00:51:25,763 --> 00:51:27,843
And someone would answer you,
"No," or whatever.

1162
00:51:27,923 --> 00:51:31,243
And, um, it's become a thing
for anyone's phobias.

1163
00:51:31,323 --> 00:51:33,043
Anything you don't want to see in a film,

1164
00:51:33,123 --> 00:51:35,803
you just look up the film,
and they answer your question, right?

1165
00:51:35,883 --> 00:51:38,243
So, uh, I looked up one film on here.

1166
00:51:38,323 --> 00:51:40,163
Uh, Schindler's List.

1167
00:51:40,243 --> 00:51:42,563
[audience laughing]

1168
00:51:42,643 --> 00:51:44,483
[audience murmuring]

1169
00:51:45,283 --> 00:51:49,003
Absolutely real. Schindler's List.
Doesthedogdie.com. Right?

1170
00:51:49,083 --> 00:51:51,723
First question, "Does a dog die?" "No."

1171
00:51:51,803 --> 00:51:53,243
"Does a cat die?" "No."

1172
00:51:53,323 --> 00:51:54,963
"Are any animals abused?"

1173
00:51:55,043 --> 00:51:57,883
Someone answers, "There is a chicken
that's handled roughly,

1174
00:51:57,963 --> 00:51:59,403
but otherwise unharmed."

1175
00:51:59,483 --> 00:52:01,803
[audience laughing]

1176
00:52:01,883 --> 00:52:04,483
Now, I love animals
more than anyone I know.

1177
00:52:04,563 --> 00:52:05,643
But if I was Jewish,

1178
00:52:05,723 --> 00:52:08,203
I'd be slightly offended
by this avenue of questioning.

1179
00:52:08,283 --> 00:52:09,523
Imagine that in real life.

1180
00:52:09,603 --> 00:52:11,803
Imagine someone says, "Oh, yeah, my…

1181
00:52:11,883 --> 00:52:14,003
my grandparents
were murdered by the Nazis."

1182
00:52:14,083 --> 00:52:15,203
You go, "Oh, what happened?"

1183
00:52:15,283 --> 00:52:18,723
"Oh, they were dragged from their house
and sent to the gas chamber." "Oh…"

1184
00:52:18,803 --> 00:52:20,323
"Was a chicken hurt?" "What?"

1185
00:52:20,403 --> 00:52:22,203
[audience laughing]

1186
00:52:23,443 --> 00:52:26,643
But as I say, it's become…
You can ask any question about anything.

1187
00:52:26,723 --> 00:52:29,643
Someone says, "Is there child abuse?
Is teeth damaged?"

1188
00:52:29,723 --> 00:52:32,523
"Is there a hanging?
Does someone struggle to breathe?"

1189
00:52:32,603 --> 00:52:34,803
[laughs] Yeah. Well, yeah.

1190
00:52:34,883 --> 00:52:36,483
Yes. Um…

1191
00:52:37,243 --> 00:52:40,003
Someone says,
"Does someone fall down stairs?"

1192
00:52:40,083 --> 00:52:42,443
Who's scared of slapstick? It's like…

1193
00:52:42,523 --> 00:52:43,923
[audience laughing]

1194
00:52:44,683 --> 00:52:48,963
Anyway, so this website was founded
in 2010,

1195
00:52:49,043 --> 00:52:50,883
so it's running for about 13 years. Right?

1196
00:52:50,963 --> 00:52:55,123
And the later questions
start reflecting the times we live in now,

1197
00:52:55,203 --> 00:52:58,203
and they get more and more fragile
and narcissistic.

1198
00:52:58,283 --> 00:53:02,323
These questions were asked this year.
Check it out. Schindler's List. Right?

1199
00:53:02,403 --> 00:53:05,163
Someone says, "Are there any fat jokes?"

1200
00:53:05,243 --> 00:53:06,083
[audience murmuring]

1201
00:53:06,163 --> 00:53:08,923
Would that make this worse? Wh--

1202
00:53:09,763 --> 00:53:10,683
Imagine the real thing.

1203
00:53:10,763 --> 00:53:13,243
Imagine I'm in
a concentration camp, right?

1204
00:53:13,323 --> 00:53:15,723
I'm naked. Everyone around me is naked.

1205
00:53:15,803 --> 00:53:18,563
We've got a commandant herding us
towards the gas chamber,

1206
00:53:18,643 --> 00:53:20,763
and he goes, "Move it, fatty." Right?

1207
00:53:20,843 --> 00:53:22,483
And I go, "Rude."

1208
00:53:22,563 --> 00:53:23,963
[audience laughing]

1209
00:53:28,083 --> 00:53:28,963
"Nope."

1210
00:53:29,683 --> 00:53:32,203
"That has ruined the whole experience
if I'm honest."

1211
00:53:32,283 --> 00:53:33,603
[audience laughing]

1212
00:53:37,243 --> 00:53:39,603
Someone asks, "Is there hate speech?"

1213
00:53:40,163 --> 00:53:42,803
-Yeah, there is.
-[audience laughing]

1214
00:53:42,883 --> 00:53:44,203
Suck it up, buttercup.

1215
00:53:44,723 --> 00:53:45,843
[audience laughing]

1216
00:53:45,923 --> 00:53:48,443
"Are there any man-in-a-dress jokes?"

1217
00:53:49,003 --> 00:53:51,283
-Very few jokes.
-[audience laughing]

1218
00:53:51,363 --> 00:53:54,963
If you've come to this film for a giggle,
you're gonna be very disappointed.

1219
00:53:55,043 --> 00:53:56,603
[audience laughing]

1220
00:53:56,683 --> 00:53:58,363
But this one takes the biscuit for me.

1221
00:53:58,443 --> 00:54:00,803
Remember, this is a movie
set in the 1940s,

1222
00:54:00,883 --> 00:54:03,563
about, arguably, the worst atrocity
in civilized human history.

1223
00:54:03,643 --> 00:54:04,683
Check this out.

1224
00:54:04,763 --> 00:54:06,683
"Is someone misgendered?"

1225
00:54:06,763 --> 00:54:08,603
-[audience laughing]
-Fucking hell.

1226
00:54:10,843 --> 00:54:12,043
[woman 7] Oh shit!

1227
00:54:12,123 --> 00:54:14,963
This is quite sweet.
"Is there any antisemitism?"

1228
00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:17,083
-[laughs] Yeah.
-[audience laughing]

1229
00:54:17,163 --> 00:54:19,443
This is pretty much the mother lode.

1230
00:54:19,523 --> 00:54:20,683
Right?

1231
00:54:20,763 --> 00:54:22,203
Forget Kanye.

1232
00:54:22,283 --> 00:54:24,043
-This…
-[audience laughing]

1233
00:54:24,123 --> 00:54:26,523
This is off the fucking charts.

1234
00:54:26,603 --> 00:54:28,443
Don't do that
when you're talking about this.

1235
00:54:28,523 --> 00:54:29,843
-Fuck's sake!
-[audience laughing]

1236
00:54:29,923 --> 00:54:32,803
I was doing the graph.
I was doing like that.

1237
00:54:32,883 --> 00:54:34,403
This is off the charts.

1238
00:54:35,003 --> 00:54:36,323
That's… [laughs]

1239
00:54:37,603 --> 00:54:40,163
Wouldn't things have been different
if that was Hitler's salute?

1240
00:54:40,243 --> 00:54:42,843
The whole thing would've been like,
"It's Hitler."

1241
00:54:43,563 --> 00:54:45,243
-Like that.
-[audience laughing]

1242
00:54:45,323 --> 00:54:46,163
Hiya.

1243
00:54:46,923 --> 00:54:48,523
[Gervais laughing]

1244
00:54:50,683 --> 00:54:53,643
This is interesting.
"Does it have a sad ending?"

1245
00:54:53,723 --> 00:54:56,923
Right? Someone says yes,
and then someone else says no.

1246
00:54:57,003 --> 00:54:59,043
And I thought about it.
But then I remembered…

1247
00:54:59,123 --> 00:55:01,163
If you've… If you've seen the film,
if you remember,

1248
00:55:01,243 --> 00:55:02,883
when the story sort of ends,

1249
00:55:03,363 --> 00:55:06,323
Spielberg then tacks on
a real bit of footage

1250
00:55:06,403 --> 00:55:11,683
where he gets real-life descendants
of people murdered in the Holocaust,

1251
00:55:11,763 --> 00:55:14,803
and he films them
coming into a Jewish cemetery,

1252
00:55:14,883 --> 00:55:17,443
and they each leave a stone on the grave

1253
00:55:17,523 --> 00:55:19,923
to represent their family members
that were murdered.

1254
00:55:20,003 --> 00:55:24,083
It builds up, and it's very moving.
So I think I get the ambiguity.

1255
00:55:24,163 --> 00:55:26,283
"Does it have a sad ending?" Yes,

1256
00:55:26,363 --> 00:55:29,843
in the sense that six million Jews
pointlessly lost their life,

1257
00:55:29,923 --> 00:55:32,523
but no, in the sense
there was still enough left over

1258
00:55:32,603 --> 00:55:33,963
to build a little rockery.

1259
00:55:34,563 --> 00:55:36,283
-So…
-[audience laughing]

1260
00:55:44,203 --> 00:55:47,083
I asked one question myself on this.

1261
00:55:47,683 --> 00:55:49,443
"Is James Corden in it?"

1262
00:55:49,523 --> 00:55:51,043
[audience laughing]

1263
00:55:51,123 --> 00:55:53,363
[audience cheering and clapping]

1264
00:55:58,083 --> 00:56:00,563
I did, um,
look at one other film, briefly.

1265
00:56:00,643 --> 00:56:04,523
Uh, Titanic. Right? And it's got
all the same sort of questions.

1266
00:56:04,603 --> 00:56:06,883
The one where it goes,
"Are any animals harmed?"

1267
00:56:06,963 --> 00:56:07,923
Someone answers,

1268
00:56:08,003 --> 00:56:10,523
"There are no explicit scenes
of animals being harmed,

1269
00:56:10,603 --> 00:56:13,963
but Rose did have a goldfish,
which probably didn't make it."

1270
00:56:14,043 --> 00:56:16,483
[audience laughing]

1271
00:56:16,563 --> 00:56:19,083
I think the goldfish
in the bowl on the sideboard

1272
00:56:19,163 --> 00:56:21,323
when the boat hits the iceberg,
and he's all like that.

1273
00:56:21,403 --> 00:56:24,043
And people are running around going,
"Ahh! We're going in the water!"

1274
00:56:24,123 --> 00:56:27,163
And he's all smug then.
And he's going, "Don't worry about it."

1275
00:56:27,243 --> 00:56:28,363
[audience laughing]

1276
00:56:28,443 --> 00:56:30,283
"Oh no, not water." [laughs]

1277
00:56:30,363 --> 00:56:31,683
[audience laughing]

1278
00:56:31,763 --> 00:56:35,363
Then he gets in the sea, and goes,
"It's very salty, innit? It's very salty."

1279
00:56:35,443 --> 00:56:36,963
[audience laughing]

1280
00:56:40,363 --> 00:56:41,203
[Gervais laughs]

1281
00:56:43,723 --> 00:56:45,763
I'll leave you with a true story.

1282
00:56:46,603 --> 00:56:48,763
It's still on the theme
of "does the dog die?"

1283
00:56:49,323 --> 00:56:51,323
When I was seven years old,

1284
00:56:51,403 --> 00:56:55,283
my mum took me to the cinema
to see a film called Old Yeller.

1285
00:56:56,003 --> 00:56:57,003
Beautiful film.

1286
00:56:57,083 --> 00:56:58,843
Yeah, made in the late '50s.

1287
00:56:58,923 --> 00:57:02,763
And sort of set
in the Wild West on this homestead.

1288
00:57:02,843 --> 00:57:07,203
And it's about a… a kid
who adopts this little junkyard dog.

1289
00:57:07,283 --> 00:57:09,603
And he calls him Old Yeller,
and they grow up together.

1290
00:57:09,683 --> 00:57:13,083
And it's a buddy movie. It's a love story
between this kid and his dog.

1291
00:57:13,163 --> 00:57:15,043
Eventually, when the dog's big,

1292
00:57:15,123 --> 00:57:17,603
and, you know,
he protects this kid in the wild,

1293
00:57:17,683 --> 00:57:20,123
he fights a cougar,
and a bear, and a wolf, or whatever.

1294
00:57:20,643 --> 00:57:24,283
But towards the end of the film,
the kid's about 13, maybe,

1295
00:57:24,363 --> 00:57:25,643
it takes a dark turn.

1296
00:57:25,723 --> 00:57:29,523
I remember the kid sorta looking
at Old Yeller who's locked in the barn.

1297
00:57:29,603 --> 00:57:32,643
And the mother's suspicious, right?
She goes, "Is Old Yeller all right?"

1298
00:57:32,723 --> 00:57:35,923
"Yeah, he's fine. He's fine." But the kid
knows that he's been bitten, right?

1299
00:57:36,003 --> 00:57:38,443
And soon, Old Yeller
starts foaming at the mouth and…

1300
00:57:38,523 --> 00:57:40,243
[growls] …getting aggressive.

1301
00:57:40,323 --> 00:57:44,763
And the mother turns up with a gun,
and the kid goes, "No."

1302
00:57:44,843 --> 00:57:46,683
And she goes,
"You know we've gotta do it."

1303
00:57:46,763 --> 00:57:49,803
He goes, "Yeah, but he's my dog.
I'll do it."

1304
00:57:49,883 --> 00:57:51,683
And he shoots his own dog.

1305
00:57:51,763 --> 00:57:55,683
And I was, like, in floods
for like a year. Right?

1306
00:57:56,283 --> 00:57:57,843
Anyway, fast-forward.

1307
00:57:57,923 --> 00:58:00,203
A few years ago, I was on tour.

1308
00:58:00,283 --> 00:58:03,243
I was on a train,
and I get a text from Jane.

1309
00:58:03,763 --> 00:58:06,243
She says,
"Oh, I'm finally watching Old Yeller."

1310
00:58:06,323 --> 00:58:08,523
And I sent back, "Oh, enjoy." Right?

1311
00:58:08,603 --> 00:58:10,003
[audience laughing]

1312
00:58:10,083 --> 00:58:13,803
I didn't think, right?
Twenty minutes later, I get a text.

1313
00:58:13,883 --> 00:58:16,003
"Nothing happens to that dog, does it?"

1314
00:58:16,563 --> 00:58:18,683
Oh, I couldn't believe my fucking luck.

1315
00:58:18,763 --> 00:58:20,323
-I…
-[audience laughing]

1316
00:58:20,403 --> 00:58:22,603
Oh, I thought she knew.

1317
00:58:22,683 --> 00:58:25,323
So I sent back, "No, of course not."

1318
00:58:25,403 --> 00:58:27,323
[audience laughing]

1319
00:58:27,403 --> 00:58:29,403
One hour later, I get a text,

1320
00:58:29,483 --> 00:58:31,363
"You cunt!" [laughs]

1321
00:58:31,443 --> 00:58:33,443
[audience laughing]

1322
00:58:33,523 --> 00:58:35,283
[audience clapping]

1323
00:58:36,523 --> 00:58:37,443
Thank you.

1324
00:58:38,483 --> 00:58:39,763
Thank you. Thank you.

1325
00:58:40,563 --> 00:58:42,283
Thank you very much. Cheers.

1326
00:58:42,363 --> 00:58:44,283
Thanks to everyone who bought a ticket.

1327
00:58:44,363 --> 00:58:47,443
If you bought a platinum ticket,
the money goes to an animal charity,

1328
00:58:47,523 --> 00:58:51,443
and you've raised two million dollars
so far. So thank you so much.

1329
00:58:51,963 --> 00:58:53,723
[audience cheering and clapping]

1330
00:58:55,203 --> 00:58:57,843
I even get a bit of stick about that
on social media.

1331
00:58:57,923 --> 00:59:01,163
There's always someone who goes, "Oh,
why do you only speak up for animals?"

1332
00:59:01,243 --> 00:59:04,723
And I go, "Well, 'cause they haven't got
a voice of their own, except parrots."

1333
00:59:04,803 --> 00:59:08,043
Um, and that's…
I think that's why we don't eat parrots.

1334
00:59:08,123 --> 00:59:11,563
Everyone around the world eats
every other type of bird, don't they?

1335
00:59:11,643 --> 00:59:15,603
Everyone in the world eats
fucking chickens, and ducks, and geese,

1336
00:59:15,683 --> 00:59:17,643
and turkeys, and ostriches.

1337
00:59:17,723 --> 00:59:19,283
No one eats parrots. Do you know why?

1338
00:59:19,363 --> 00:59:22,083
If you go and try and eat a parrot,
it goes, "Fuck off, you cunt.”

1339
00:59:22,163 --> 00:59:23,723
[audience laughing]

1340
00:59:23,803 --> 00:59:26,923
So speaking up really does work. Right?

1341
00:59:27,003 --> 00:59:27,843
[audience cheers]

1342
00:59:27,923 --> 00:59:30,083
And that has sort of been
one of the themes of the show.

1343
00:59:30,163 --> 00:59:31,483
'Cause I know, in the real world,

1344
00:59:31,563 --> 00:59:34,563
in normal jobs and everyday life,
you get in trouble.

1345
00:59:34,643 --> 00:59:36,683
People tell you off
for saying certain things,

1346
00:59:36,763 --> 00:59:39,763
or thinking certain things,
or even laughing at certain things, right?

1347
00:59:39,843 --> 00:59:41,763
They say you're bad for laughing at that.

1348
00:59:41,843 --> 00:59:45,163
And some of you take it to heart.
You go, "Oh my God. Am I a bad person?"

1349
00:59:45,243 --> 00:59:49,123
No, you're not. One, you can't choose
your sense of humor. You can't.

1350
00:59:49,203 --> 00:59:50,203
It's involuntary.

1351
00:59:50,283 --> 00:59:55,203
And two, that's exactly what humor is for.
To laugh at bad shit to get us through it.

1352
00:59:55,283 --> 00:59:56,523
Right? And…

1353
00:59:56,603 --> 00:59:58,603
-Uh…
-[audience cheering and clapping]

1354
01:00:03,963 --> 01:00:06,563
And we've established
you can't even choose your own thoughts.

1355
01:00:06,643 --> 01:00:09,443
How often have you been on a train station
and you've suddenly thought,

1356
01:00:09,523 --> 01:00:11,363
"What if I just pushed that bloke?" And…

1357
01:00:11,443 --> 01:00:13,923
[audience laughing]

1358
01:00:14,003 --> 01:00:16,763
And then you go,
"Why have I thought that?! Am I--"

1359
01:00:17,283 --> 01:00:19,643
"Am I a psychopath?"
No. You're not. You're the opposite.

1360
01:00:19,723 --> 01:00:21,003
You're a safe pair of hands.

1361
01:00:21,083 --> 01:00:22,123
You're testing yourself,

1362
01:00:22,203 --> 01:00:24,083
you're reminding yourself
how terrible that'd be.

1363
01:00:24,163 --> 01:00:25,483
You're a good person, right?

1364
01:00:25,563 --> 01:00:27,443
I don't get that one. Um…

1365
01:00:28,723 --> 01:00:32,083
What I get is,
I'm talking to a really sweet old lady,

1366
01:00:32,163 --> 01:00:35,443
and I suddenly start thinking,
"What if I just spat in her face now?"

1367
01:00:35,523 --> 01:00:37,803
-Why would I…
-[audience laughing]

1368
01:00:37,883 --> 01:00:39,843
[Gervais laughing]

1369
01:00:42,363 --> 01:00:47,323
Another theme of the show has been,
"words change, and I'm woke, ha-ha."

1370
01:00:47,403 --> 01:00:48,923
But here's the irony.

1371
01:00:49,003 --> 01:00:52,603
I think I am woke,
but I think that word has changed.

1372
01:00:52,683 --> 01:00:55,683
I think if woke still means
what it used to mean,

1373
01:00:55,763 --> 01:00:58,123
that you're aware of your own privilege,

1374
01:00:58,203 --> 01:01:01,363
you try and maximize equality,
minimize oppression,

1375
01:01:01,443 --> 01:01:05,723
be anti-racist, anti-sexist,
anti-homophobic… Yes, I'm definitely woke.

1376
01:01:05,803 --> 01:01:11,083
If woke now means being
a puritanical, authoritarian bully,

1377
01:01:11,163 --> 01:01:13,963
who gets people fired
for an honest opinion or even a fact,

1378
01:01:14,043 --> 01:01:15,403
then, no, I'm not woke.

1379
01:01:15,483 --> 01:01:16,363
Fuck that.

1380
01:01:16,883 --> 01:01:18,683
[audience cheering]

1381
01:01:23,883 --> 01:01:25,123
[man 5 yelling]

1382
01:01:25,203 --> 01:01:27,083
But here's the deal.

1383
01:01:27,163 --> 01:01:29,763
To each their own.
Laugh at whatever you find funny.

1384
01:01:29,843 --> 01:01:33,163
All laughter's good,
and you're amazing. Good night.

1385
01:01:33,243 --> 01:01:35,083
[audience cheering and clapping]

1386
01:01:44,483 --> 01:01:46,483
[cheering continues]

1387
01:02:20,403 --> 01:02:23,323
[audience chattering]