1 00:00:00,763 --> 00:00:05,003 'The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.' 2 00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:12,083 WOMAN: That right? MAN: I think so. 3 00:00:12,123 --> 00:00:13,563 Uh-huh? Yeah. 4 00:00:13,603 --> 00:00:14,923 Yeah? Yeah? Mm. 5 00:00:14,963 --> 00:00:16,203 Yeah. Yeah? 6 00:00:16,243 --> 00:00:17,963 Ooh, yeah. Yeah? 7 00:00:18,003 --> 00:00:19,403 Yeah. Yeah? 8 00:00:19,443 --> 00:00:20,803 Mmm. Yeah? 9 00:00:20,843 --> 00:00:22,123 Mmm. Yeah? 10 00:00:22,163 --> 00:00:23,483 Yeah. Yeah? 11 00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:24,963 Yeah. 12 00:00:27,643 --> 00:00:29,723 (BELT BUCKLE RATTLES) 13 00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:38,883 Sorry, love. Oh, don't say sorry, Glen. 14 00:00:38,923 --> 00:00:41,043 Sorry. No, don't say sorry. 15 00:00:41,803 --> 00:00:44,443 (CLEARS THROAT) Just... You know, because you 16 00:00:44,483 --> 00:00:46,723 just thought you might like it in public. 17 00:00:46,763 --> 00:00:48,523 So... Yeah, I don't... 18 00:00:48,563 --> 00:00:51,803 I think I wasn't picturing, like... round the back of Halfords? 19 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,243 (SCOOTER WHIRS) 20 00:00:53,283 --> 00:00:55,323 No, well, OK, yeah. 21 00:00:55,363 --> 00:00:59,443 It has been, erm... It has been quite a while, hasn't it, now? 22 00:01:01,003 --> 00:01:02,083 Has it? 23 00:01:02,123 --> 00:01:04,883 Yeah. It's not been since Center Parcs, Glen. 24 00:01:04,922 --> 00:01:06,363 Right. 25 00:01:07,203 --> 00:01:10,003 Yeah, no, that...that is quite a... Mmm. 26 00:01:10,043 --> 00:01:11,483 I think, you know what it is? 27 00:01:11,523 --> 00:01:13,403 It's probably just stress, you know. Yeah. 28 00:01:13,443 --> 00:01:15,683 Trying to get the promotion, all that sort of...Yeah. 29 00:01:15,723 --> 00:01:17,123 It's a blip! It's a blip! 30 00:01:17,163 --> 00:01:20,443 It's a blip, yeah. It is, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. 31 00:01:23,323 --> 00:01:24,963 Mm. 32 00:01:25,883 --> 00:01:27,883 I should probably get to work. 33 00:01:27,923 --> 00:01:29,403 Yeah. Yes. 34 00:01:30,082 --> 00:01:32,403 Hey. 100 days... 35 00:01:32,443 --> 00:01:34,403 and I shall thee wed. 36 00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:43,203 Pop your penis away, Glen. Oh! 37 00:01:43,923 --> 00:01:46,483 Alright. Love you. Love you! Yeah. 38 00:01:52,643 --> 00:01:55,123 (BRASSY MUSIC) 39 00:02:01,523 --> 00:02:04,843 Hi, there. Welcome to World Of Carpets at Loughton Retail Village! 40 00:02:04,883 --> 00:02:07,483 My name's Glen. How can I be helping you today? 41 00:02:07,523 --> 00:02:09,843 Well... I erm... 42 00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:12,523 WE er...erm... Say no more! 43 00:02:13,443 --> 00:02:15,443 Let me show you around. 44 00:02:16,363 --> 00:02:18,323 Sandstone, three-pile, two-blend twist. 45 00:02:18,363 --> 00:02:20,323 Durable, luxurious and - don't pass it around - 46 00:02:20,363 --> 00:02:22,283 but I'M getting it for my high-traffic areas. 47 00:02:22,323 --> 00:02:24,803 My absolute top of the pops. What do we think? 48 00:02:24,843 --> 00:02:28,363 Erm, maybe we'll go and think about it. 49 00:02:32,443 --> 00:02:34,563 (MUSIC BLARES FROM CAR STEREO) 50 00:02:40,723 --> 00:02:42,283 I get it. 51 00:02:42,323 --> 00:02:43,523 Sorry? 52 00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:46,523 It's a bloody carpet. And, Christ, it's expensive. 53 00:02:46,563 --> 00:02:49,803 The whole house metreage, then with underlay and installation it's... 54 00:02:49,843 --> 00:02:51,403 Honestly? 55 00:02:51,443 --> 00:02:54,923 You can't get what you're wanting. Not for your budget. 56 00:02:54,963 --> 00:02:57,683 But what you can do...is this... 57 00:02:58,563 --> 00:03:01,963 Berber low-pile. In your hallway, looks just like natural fibres. 58 00:03:02,003 --> 00:03:05,643 Pay that bit more for a quality underlay and it'll feel as good too. 59 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,443 I won't tell if you won't. 60 00:03:10,443 --> 00:03:12,443 (ENGINE REVS) (MUSIC BLARES) 61 00:03:12,483 --> 00:03:16,523 STEREO: 'I know a man that can make you disappear in seven different countries.' 62 00:03:19,323 --> 00:03:21,763 Ah, Ian, Ian! Hi, I was wondering- Big Man! 63 00:03:21,803 --> 00:03:26,563 Yeah. Uh, I was- Ah, the old kneel 'n feel, eh? Nice. 64 00:03:26,603 --> 00:03:29,203 Yeah. I was wondering if we might have that chat today, 65 00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:32,163 about the assistant manager- Er, da-da-da, sh-shh. 66 00:03:34,443 --> 00:03:36,843 (MIMICS GUNSHOT) (PRETENDS TO GROAN) 67 00:03:38,683 --> 00:03:40,643 (MIMICS RAPID GUNFIRE) Ah-ah-ah. 68 00:03:40,683 --> 00:03:41,883 Yeah... 69 00:03:44,083 --> 00:03:45,803 (MUSIC BLARES) 70 00:03:54,283 --> 00:03:55,443 (HISS) 71 00:04:00,723 --> 00:04:02,443 Have you seen this geezer? 72 00:04:03,803 --> 00:04:06,283 Glen...Campbell. 73 00:04:07,523 --> 00:04:09,003 Like the country singer. 74 00:04:10,043 --> 00:04:11,883 He works here. 75 00:04:14,083 --> 00:04:16,923 I just want a "yes" or "no". That's all I want, my darling. 76 00:04:19,083 --> 00:04:21,322 I'm on work experience. 77 00:04:24,683 --> 00:04:26,283 I'll get the manager. 78 00:04:27,003 --> 00:04:29,763 Right!Oh! Let's take a look at these prices. 79 00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:32,683 (CHUCKLES) I think you might be pleasantly surp- 80 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:35,043 It's like candyfloss. 81 00:04:35,083 --> 00:04:37,083 (LIVELY MUSIC) 82 00:04:39,803 --> 00:04:41,643 Should be here soon... 83 00:04:41,683 --> 00:04:44,723 Where d'you get this? I want one. Hi, there. Can I help? 84 00:04:45,963 --> 00:04:48,163 Yes. Have you seen him? 85 00:04:48,202 --> 00:04:50,443 Oops! Sorry? 86 00:04:50,483 --> 00:04:53,003 Verboten! What? 87 00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:56,763 Gonna have to ask you to finish that outside. Company policy. 88 00:04:57,483 --> 00:04:59,243 Get a lot of pissheads in here, do ya? 89 00:04:59,283 --> 00:05:01,643 Getting off their nut over by the lino? 90 00:05:01,683 --> 00:05:04,883 Right. Very good. Now- 91 00:05:04,923 --> 00:05:07,523 See, for all he knows, I've come in here to buy his whole stock 92 00:05:07,563 --> 00:05:09,643 and he's straight in with the fucking regulations. 93 00:05:09,683 --> 00:05:12,843 Right, that's quite enough! I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. 94 00:05:12,883 --> 00:05:15,083 Yeah, well, asking me is ONE thing but making me 95 00:05:15,123 --> 00:05:17,203 is another thing altogether, you bald cunt. 96 00:05:22,043 --> 00:05:23,763 (GASPS) 97 00:05:24,603 --> 00:05:27,443 (WHISPERS) Fuck. Are you alright? 98 00:05:27,483 --> 00:05:30,723 Erm... Erm, yeah. (CHUCKLES) 99 00:05:31,603 --> 00:05:34,323 I'll actually just... just leave you in... 100 00:05:34,363 --> 00:05:37,043 Brian's very capable hands. 101 00:05:41,283 --> 00:05:43,003 Ooh! Sorry. 102 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,923 Leave this store immediately. Don't touch me. 103 00:05:47,363 --> 00:05:49,563 Come along! Ahh! 104 00:05:49,603 --> 00:05:51,323 (GROANS) 105 00:05:55,243 --> 00:05:56,643 Have you seen him? 106 00:05:56,683 --> 00:05:58,163 (CHOKES) 107 00:06:00,563 --> 00:06:01,883 Fuck. 108 00:06:04,723 --> 00:06:06,723 (GROANS) 109 00:06:08,363 --> 00:06:10,563 (GROANS) 110 00:06:15,323 --> 00:06:17,323 (TYRES SCREECH) 111 00:06:26,083 --> 00:06:27,923 Hi, Roger! 112 00:06:45,323 --> 00:06:47,563 Fuuu- (SCREAMS) 113 00:06:47,603 --> 00:06:49,763 What are you doing here? 114 00:06:49,803 --> 00:06:52,723 I came back to get my sandwiches. Why are you... 115 00:06:52,763 --> 00:06:54,523 Well, I mean, I got erm... 116 00:06:54,563 --> 00:06:56,683 I got sent home from work, didn't I? 117 00:06:56,723 --> 00:06:58,243 For the day. What? Why? 118 00:06:58,283 --> 00:07:00,563 Because there was a gas leak. What, in the whole- 119 00:07:00,603 --> 00:07:02,523 Yeah. In the whole office. Yeah. 120 00:07:02,563 --> 00:07:05,003 And Linda... Linda's actually fainted. 121 00:07:05,043 --> 00:07:06,323 So... Oh, bloody hell. 122 00:07:06,363 --> 00:07:08,763 Yeah. Get in then, you swine! 123 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:11,443 Yeah, alright, yeah. Get in here! 124 00:07:12,203 --> 00:07:14,803 Have you seen? Direct debits have gone in. 125 00:07:14,843 --> 00:07:16,523 Oh, my God! 15 grand! 126 00:07:16,563 --> 00:07:18,163 We're only 2K off! 127 00:07:18,203 --> 00:07:20,683 Dream wedding, here we come. Kirsty, not in the bed. 128 00:07:20,723 --> 00:07:24,443 Mum's gonna be so pleased. She can get that poached salmon she's been banging on about. 129 00:07:24,483 --> 00:07:26,283 Yeah, erm, right, erm, sorry- 130 00:07:26,323 --> 00:07:28,043 Actually, Glen, it definitely IS her. 131 00:07:28,083 --> 00:07:30,763 Ever since we've given her a key, we've been going through ham 132 00:07:30,803 --> 00:07:33,163 at an unprecedented rate. Yeah. I DID think so- 133 00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:35,202 Hang on. You took them. Hmm? 134 00:07:35,243 --> 00:07:38,123 This morning. You took them. I put them in your rucksack? 135 00:07:38,163 --> 00:07:41,083 Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I just... I wanted more. 136 00:07:41,123 --> 00:07:42,883 More sandwiches? 137 00:07:44,523 --> 00:07:46,643 OK, well, that's an awful lot of gluten, Glen. 138 00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:49,123 Hey, hey! So what we should do is celebrate, shouldn't we? 139 00:07:49,163 --> 00:07:51,563 Celebrate what? Celebrate the wedding fund. 140 00:07:51,603 --> 00:07:54,003 You know, yeah, tonight, maybe get a takeaway, 141 00:07:54,043 --> 00:07:55,563 splash out a bit. Alright. 142 00:07:55,603 --> 00:07:58,243 Yeah, maybe get your favourite - Tastes Of The World. 143 00:07:58,283 --> 00:07:59,843 What?! Even though it's a... 144 00:07:59,883 --> 00:08:03,323 # Logistical nightmaaaare? # Logistical nightmaaaare # 145 00:08:03,363 --> 00:08:04,523 Aw, yeah! 146 00:08:04,563 --> 00:08:09,203 And then maybe after, we can, like...make an evening of it. 147 00:08:11,683 --> 00:08:14,203 What? Yeah. Yeah! (CHUCKLES) 148 00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:17,203 So, Linda actually fainted- Or we could... 149 00:08:18,403 --> 00:08:20,043 Hm? What? Y'know. Now. 150 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,283 You mean...? Only if you wanted to. 151 00:08:22,323 --> 00:08:24,643 No. Yeah, yeah. Yeah! Yeah? 152 00:08:24,683 --> 00:08:27,523 Sorry, I mean, I WAS just here to get my ham sandwiches but-Yeah. 153 00:08:27,563 --> 00:08:29,683 About five minutes? Er ten...ten minutes, yeah. 154 00:08:29,723 --> 00:08:31,003 Yeah. OK. 155 00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:33,403 Mm. Yep. 156 00:08:35,962 --> 00:08:38,082 Kirst, what's in this water? 157 00:08:38,123 --> 00:08:40,803 Oh, no. Oh, no. No. What? 158 00:08:40,842 --> 00:08:42,323 I'm so sorry! What is it?! 159 00:08:42,363 --> 00:08:44,443 No, I didn't mean for you to drink it, did I? 160 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,443 What is it? I didn't mean for you to drink it. 161 00:08:46,483 --> 00:08:49,323 OK, because this morning I woke up and I was really phlegmy- 162 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,843 Oh, my God, Kirsty! I know. I know. 163 00:08:51,883 --> 00:08:54,163 I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for you to drink it- 164 00:08:54,203 --> 00:08:56,243 I can feel it going down! I'm so sorry. 165 00:08:56,283 --> 00:08:58,923 It's sliding down my gullet, Kirst- Alright, alright! 166 00:08:58,963 --> 00:09:01,403 Calm down, knobhead. I'll make you a cup of tea. 167 00:09:01,443 --> 00:09:02,963 Take the taste away. 168 00:09:03,003 --> 00:09:05,283 Oh... 169 00:09:05,323 --> 00:09:06,723 (KIRSTY SCREAMS) 170 00:09:06,763 --> 00:09:08,203 Kirst? 171 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,243 (SPAGHETTI-WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC) 172 00:09:18,571 --> 00:09:21,563 I'm calling the police! No, no, don't do that, love. 173 00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,683 Tell her. Tell me what, Glen? 174 00:09:23,723 --> 00:09:26,923 'Scuse me for not standing. My sciatica was killing me. 175 00:09:26,963 --> 00:09:28,723 Cos I've been on my trotters all day, 176 00:09:28,763 --> 00:09:31,603 looking for a certain little twat with a nutty haircut. 177 00:09:31,643 --> 00:09:33,403 Oh, my God! Does he mean YOU? 178 00:09:33,443 --> 00:09:35,683 Why's he saying that? Any chance of a nice cup of tea? 179 00:09:35,723 --> 00:09:38,843 Kirsty, no, no. What? What's happening? Is it drugs? 180 00:09:38,883 --> 00:09:40,803 It's drugs, isn't it? It's drugs! 181 00:09:40,843 --> 00:09:43,243 Leave off! I don't think crackheads come in beige, do you? 182 00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:45,683 Are you gonna introduce me or what? No! 183 00:09:45,723 --> 00:09:47,243 Agh! No! 184 00:09:47,283 --> 00:09:49,643 Kirsty, fetch the pepper spray! What the fuck is that? 185 00:09:49,683 --> 00:09:52,443 Go on, get it, Kirsty! Get it! I'm getting it! 186 00:09:52,483 --> 00:09:54,443 Are you gonna plunge me with the objet d'art? 187 00:09:54,483 --> 00:09:56,563 Sorry. I'm sorry, Lee. But you cannot be here- 188 00:09:56,603 --> 00:09:59,243 It's a bit late for that. Listen- No, no. I don't want to listen. 189 00:09:59,283 --> 00:10:03,403 I just wanna ask you- No! Now get out of my fucking house! 190 00:10:03,443 --> 00:10:06,723 Oh, for fuck's sake! I just want to talk to you, Glen! 191 00:10:06,763 --> 00:10:08,683 (GASPS) 192 00:10:08,723 --> 00:10:10,683 You know each other? 193 00:10:10,723 --> 00:10:13,083 No, not really, no. Oh, "not really"? 194 00:10:13,123 --> 00:10:15,443 We... We used to... "We used to"? 195 00:10:15,483 --> 00:10:17,683 Not, not, not, not any more, actually. 196 00:10:17,723 --> 00:10:20,963 Jesus Christ, you really ARE a turd. 197 00:10:21,683 --> 00:10:24,523 Spray him, Glen! I can't get the top off. 198 00:10:24,563 --> 00:10:26,163 Fuck me! 199 00:10:27,323 --> 00:10:30,083 Oh, shit! Oh, shit! 200 00:10:31,483 --> 00:10:34,283 Canvey Island Holiday Park, '94. 201 00:10:34,323 --> 00:10:36,363 (GASPS) No, no, take your time. 202 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,043 Take your time. Come on, Glen! 203 00:10:38,083 --> 00:10:40,363 I'm trying! I'm trying! (LID POPS OFF) 204 00:10:40,403 --> 00:10:42,323 Ahhh! 205 00:10:42,363 --> 00:10:45,123 Yeah, alright. I know where I'm not wanted. 206 00:10:46,283 --> 00:10:49,763 Nice to meet you, my darling. You keep a lovely home. 207 00:10:50,443 --> 00:10:51,843 What? 208 00:10:51,883 --> 00:10:54,883 That's enough from you, thanks. Get out! 209 00:10:54,923 --> 00:10:56,843 Oh, dear. And don't come here again! 210 00:10:56,883 --> 00:10:58,603 Yeah, that's it! 211 00:11:00,923 --> 00:11:04,243 ..and don't pass it on, but I'm getting it myself on my high-traffic areas. 212 00:11:04,283 --> 00:11:06,643 My absolute pop of the top... Pop of the... 213 00:11:06,683 --> 00:11:09,323 Pop of the... Pop... Pop... Glen, mate! 214 00:11:09,363 --> 00:11:11,923 You see what happened this morning with that geezer and Ian? 215 00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:14,003 I'm a bit busy, Aysha. 216 00:11:14,043 --> 00:11:16,563 Honestly, fuck my life, the one time I'm doing work 217 00:11:16,603 --> 00:11:18,163 and I miss him getting shanked up. 218 00:11:18,203 --> 00:11:20,203 RINGTONE: # My neck, my back Who's this now? 219 00:11:20,243 --> 00:11:22,363 # Lick my pussy... # Yo! 220 00:11:23,363 --> 00:11:25,403 I'm... I'm really sorry. 221 00:11:25,443 --> 00:11:27,963 OK. Let's talk underlay- Da-fuck?! 222 00:11:28,003 --> 00:11:30,483 Bro, we was literally just talking about you! 223 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,683 Yeah, he's here. Yeah, one sec. 224 00:11:33,483 --> 00:11:34,883 Ian, innit. 225 00:11:37,043 --> 00:11:38,203 Hello? 226 00:11:38,243 --> 00:11:40,963 'Glen! You need to come immediately.' 227 00:11:41,003 --> 00:11:42,603 What? Where? 228 00:11:42,643 --> 00:11:44,483 Ian? Ian, what's going on? 229 00:11:44,523 --> 00:11:47,123 'Oh, God! I'm sorry. I... I don't know! I don't know! 230 00:11:47,163 --> 00:11:48,363 I can't do this! I-' 231 00:11:48,403 --> 00:11:50,163 LEE: 'For fuck's sake, just give me the phone! 232 00:11:50,203 --> 00:11:52,763 Give it here.' Lovin' your gilet. 233 00:11:53,883 --> 00:11:56,843 'Dagenham, by the water, where he died. 234 00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,883 You know the spot.' 235 00:11:58,923 --> 00:12:01,043 (SPAGHETTI-WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC) 236 00:12:15,043 --> 00:12:16,883 No! 237 00:12:16,923 --> 00:12:19,443 No! Stop! Wait! Wait! 238 00:12:19,483 --> 00:12:21,723 No! No! Stop! 239 00:12:21,763 --> 00:12:23,763 Don't do it! 240 00:12:23,803 --> 00:12:25,843 Do what? Well... 241 00:12:25,883 --> 00:12:27,403 Ki... Kill him? 242 00:12:27,443 --> 00:12:29,163 Kill him? 243 00:12:29,203 --> 00:12:31,483 I've just given him a cheese twist and a flapjack. 244 00:12:38,203 --> 00:12:40,203 Hello, Glen. 245 00:12:41,643 --> 00:12:43,643 Oh, my God, you bound him? 246 00:12:43,683 --> 00:12:46,403 Well, he did struggle initially. Only initially. 247 00:12:46,443 --> 00:12:48,923 Ian, I am so sorry. Ian... But we've been getting on. 248 00:12:48,963 --> 00:12:50,763 And it turns out he's a lovely fella. 249 00:12:50,803 --> 00:12:52,883 Thank you! Christ, it's double layered! 250 00:12:52,923 --> 00:12:54,763 He's been opening up about his marriage. 251 00:12:54,803 --> 00:12:57,603 Sheila and me are going through a bit of a rough patch. 252 00:12:57,643 --> 00:13:00,523 Yeah, which YOU'D know, if you'd bothered to ask. 253 00:13:01,843 --> 00:13:03,283 Is he drunk? 254 00:13:03,323 --> 00:13:07,683 Just to grease the wheels. My wheels are...fuckin' greasy! 255 00:13:07,723 --> 00:13:09,123 Oh, my God. 256 00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:10,763 Why would you do this? 257 00:13:10,803 --> 00:13:13,323 I just wanted to get your attention. My attention? 258 00:13:13,363 --> 00:13:16,283 By kidnapping my boss?! Do you think that's reasonable? 259 00:13:16,323 --> 00:13:18,003 Think that's normal? Here we go, look. 260 00:13:18,043 --> 00:13:20,843 Old Panickin' Skywalker. I told you, didn't I? 261 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:22,363 (LAUGHS) 262 00:13:22,403 --> 00:13:25,123 Right. Well, everyone's having a lovely time here. 263 00:13:25,163 --> 00:13:26,643 So I'll just be off. Oh, Glen. 264 00:13:26,683 --> 00:13:28,883 Glen, don't be like that. Glen! 265 00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:31,763 Glen! 266 00:13:31,803 --> 00:13:35,403 Glen! Glen, look you're getting all mud on your trotters! Look! 267 00:13:35,443 --> 00:13:37,643 I just want to ask you a question! 268 00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:39,563 No! What? 269 00:13:39,603 --> 00:13:42,363 I don't want to hear your question. I refuse. 270 00:13:42,403 --> 00:13:44,363 Why? Because... 271 00:13:45,163 --> 00:13:46,603 No. 272 00:13:46,643 --> 00:13:49,003 No, no. I've got a nice life now. 273 00:13:49,043 --> 00:13:51,763 And I won't have it dragged down into whatever bloody... 274 00:13:51,803 --> 00:13:54,843 After eight years, what gives you the bloody right to come here- 275 00:13:54,883 --> 00:13:57,683 For fuck's sake, I'm your brother! 276 00:13:57,723 --> 00:13:59,683 No way! 277 00:13:59,723 --> 00:14:01,003 Some brother! 278 00:14:01,043 --> 00:14:03,923 Well, YOU'RE the one who fucked off to Essex! 279 00:14:05,083 --> 00:14:06,883 How dare you! 280 00:14:06,923 --> 00:14:08,803 I was... 281 00:14:08,843 --> 00:14:12,723 I stayed for her, yeah, while you were off doing fuck knows what! 282 00:14:12,763 --> 00:14:14,843 Oh, here we go! Yeah. Every day. 283 00:14:14,883 --> 00:14:17,083 Feeding her and getting her tablets all... 284 00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:20,403 You didn't even have the decency- Fine! 285 00:14:21,363 --> 00:14:23,163 Forget it. 286 00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:26,363 Hang on. 287 00:14:31,923 --> 00:14:34,443 Sorry, Ian. I'm sorry you had to hear all that. 288 00:14:34,483 --> 00:14:37,323 Not a problem. I do sort of need a wee, though. 289 00:14:37,363 --> 00:14:39,523 Come on, then. What is it? What do you want to ask me? 290 00:14:39,563 --> 00:14:41,603 Don't worry. You said you didn't want to hear it. 291 00:14:41,643 --> 00:14:44,323 I DO. I DO want to hear it. And Ian does, too, don't you? 292 00:14:44,363 --> 00:14:46,923 Well, actually, my bladder- What is it? Come on. 293 00:14:46,963 --> 00:14:49,443 You've come all this way. You've gone to all this trouble. 294 00:14:49,483 --> 00:14:51,443 You've brought me to the spot where Dad died. 295 00:14:51,483 --> 00:14:54,803 It's obviously important to you. Come on, ask me a question! 296 00:14:57,883 --> 00:14:59,483 You got Steve's number? 297 00:15:00,443 --> 00:15:02,043 Steve? Steve. 298 00:15:02,083 --> 00:15:04,363 Steve?! Steve. Your Uncle Steve. 299 00:15:05,203 --> 00:15:07,683 Except not by blood. But, you know, Steve Drummond. 300 00:15:08,843 --> 00:15:11,883 You just want... Well, he's your god-dad, ain't he? 301 00:15:11,923 --> 00:15:14,843 You know, I just thought you'd know where he is. 302 00:15:14,883 --> 00:15:16,883 Lost touch with him. I miss the cunt. 303 00:15:19,123 --> 00:15:21,163 But I thought, erm... (CLEARS THROAT) 304 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,883 No, no, I don't have it. 305 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,443 Right. 306 00:15:26,123 --> 00:15:27,723 Fuck. 307 00:15:29,043 --> 00:15:31,403 Well. You, er... You look after yourself. 308 00:15:31,443 --> 00:15:34,323 And if you do hear from him, you WILL let me know, won't ya? 309 00:15:34,363 --> 00:15:37,483 Sure. Yeah.While you're here, you better get Ian out. 310 00:15:37,523 --> 00:15:39,563 Ooh, thank you. 311 00:15:40,803 --> 00:15:44,083 Ian, I'm so sorry about this. Let's get you out... 312 00:15:44,123 --> 00:15:47,283 Hang on. What's all this? Leave that alone, Glen. 313 00:15:47,323 --> 00:15:49,523 No... Leave it alone. Leave it- 314 00:15:49,563 --> 00:15:53,043 Why have you got...? Oh, my God! Are you living in here? 315 00:15:53,083 --> 00:15:56,083 It's just temporary, right, until I sort meself out. 316 00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:59,643 Hang on... Hang on. Oh, my... You brought Dad?! 317 00:15:59,683 --> 00:16:01,523 Put him back. Why would you bring Dad? 318 00:16:01,563 --> 00:16:04,123 Put him back where he was! Why have you brought dad, Lee? 319 00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:06,323 Doesn't matter why- Why would you bring dad, Lee? 320 00:16:06,363 --> 00:16:08,763 Put him back. Why have you brought- No! No! No! 321 00:16:08,803 --> 00:16:11,803 I'm not gonna ask you again! Alright! Alright! Alright! 322 00:16:11,843 --> 00:16:14,483 You can't sleep here. You can stay at mine. 323 00:16:15,523 --> 00:16:17,283 What? Yeah, a couple of nights. 324 00:16:17,323 --> 00:16:19,723 Get yourself sorted. Find Steve, whatever. 325 00:16:19,763 --> 00:16:20,883 You sure? 326 00:16:20,923 --> 00:16:23,723 If you promise me there's nothing dodgy going on. 327 00:16:23,763 --> 00:16:26,363 Oh, fuck off! No, no, no, I mean it! Promise. 328 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:28,243 Yeah, alright, I promise. Oh, thank God. 329 00:16:28,283 --> 00:16:30,083 No. 330 00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:33,043 I want you to swear on Dad...that there's nothing bad why you're here. 331 00:16:33,083 --> 00:16:35,723 I won't be doing that because that's fucking ridiculous! 332 00:16:35,763 --> 00:16:37,803 No, swear on Dad, Lee. Fuck off, Glen! 333 00:16:37,843 --> 00:16:40,363 Swear on Dad! No, because I'm not 12! 334 00:16:40,403 --> 00:16:42,723 Swear on Dad! Those are the ashes of my father! 335 00:16:42,763 --> 00:16:44,203 Swear on Dad, Lee! No! 336 00:16:44,243 --> 00:16:47,043 Swear on Dad! No, I won't swear on him! No! 337 00:16:47,803 --> 00:16:49,283 Swear on Dad! 338 00:16:49,323 --> 00:16:51,523 Swear on Dad! Swear on Dad, Lee! 339 00:16:51,563 --> 00:16:53,603 (MUFFLED YELLING) 340 00:16:53,643 --> 00:16:55,323 God. Swear on Dad! 341 00:16:55,363 --> 00:16:57,203 Swear on Dad! 342 00:16:57,243 --> 00:17:00,123 Argh! Swear on Dad! 343 00:17:00,163 --> 00:17:01,963 (THEY GROAN) 344 00:17:02,003 --> 00:17:03,963 Fucking little prick! 345 00:17:04,003 --> 00:17:05,523 (GROANING) 346 00:17:06,803 --> 00:17:09,043 Fucking mug! (GROANS) 347 00:17:09,083 --> 00:17:11,283 Alright! ALRIGHT! 348 00:17:12,243 --> 00:17:14,723 I swear. On Dad. Say it! 349 00:17:14,763 --> 00:17:16,882 Alright! I fucking swear on Dad! 350 00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:19,402 Fucking hell! 351 00:17:21,122 --> 00:17:23,043 (SLAPS HARD) Argh! 352 00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:24,882 That's for being a silly bitch. 353 00:17:28,483 --> 00:17:30,483 (SPLASH) You fucking... 354 00:17:31,603 --> 00:17:33,723 # Everybody's Talkin' 355 00:17:35,243 --> 00:17:36,723 (LEE SPLASHES) 356 00:17:38,603 --> 00:17:40,443 I'll be right with you. 357 00:17:40,483 --> 00:17:42,963 (URINATES) I didn't know I had so much in me. 358 00:17:44,323 --> 00:17:47,323 Nice gaff you've got, though, Ian. Yeah, thank you. 359 00:17:47,363 --> 00:17:49,563 What am I gonna say to Kirsty? 360 00:17:51,123 --> 00:17:53,243 Who'd you say I was after I left? 361 00:17:54,763 --> 00:17:56,763 I said, erm... (CLEARS THROAT) 362 00:17:58,843 --> 00:18:02,123 ..you'd worked for Dad's haulage company, and... 363 00:18:02,163 --> 00:18:05,763 you'd lost your way and fallen into a spiral of addiction, and... 364 00:18:07,203 --> 00:18:09,763 And?Well, yeah, I had to think on my feet, didn't I? 365 00:18:09,803 --> 00:18:11,923 What did you say? I panicked, alright? 366 00:18:11,963 --> 00:18:15,203 What did you say, Glen? You worked in prostitution! 367 00:18:15,243 --> 00:18:16,843 Fucking hell! 368 00:18:17,603 --> 00:18:19,003 Cheers! 369 00:18:19,043 --> 00:18:22,403 I didn't think you'd be coming back, did I, so... 370 00:18:22,443 --> 00:18:24,803 And it's "sex worker", Glen. 371 00:18:24,843 --> 00:18:26,603 Get your terms right. 372 00:18:27,563 --> 00:18:29,163 Alright, I've got it. 373 00:18:29,203 --> 00:18:31,323 We'll pick up a takeaway - get her favourite. 374 00:18:31,363 --> 00:18:32,603 What's her favourite? 375 00:18:32,643 --> 00:18:35,123 Spring rolls, lamb bhuna and a side of popcorn chicken. 376 00:18:35,163 --> 00:18:38,043 It's a logistical nightmare but it'll do the trick. 377 00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:41,243 Sheila! Shove your throw cushions up your arse! 378 00:18:41,283 --> 00:18:43,083 Just charm her. 379 00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:45,323 Say something nice about her fringe. 380 00:18:45,363 --> 00:18:47,643 Her fringe? It's always the fringe. 381 00:18:48,763 --> 00:18:51,283 You know, just say it like it "really frames her face". 382 00:18:51,323 --> 00:18:53,043 Something like that. 383 00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:59,603 No, sorry. She's YOUR fiancee. You know best. 384 00:18:59,643 --> 00:19:03,323 You're a top man, Glen. You're a bigger man than ME. 385 00:19:03,363 --> 00:19:05,363 Not literally, obviously. 386 00:19:06,683 --> 00:19:10,243 Probably cos Mum smoked while she was pregnant. Fucking what? 387 00:19:11,323 --> 00:19:13,963 (LAUGHS WHEEZILY) There he is. Fuck off! 388 00:19:14,003 --> 00:19:15,883 The old Angry Beaver. 389 00:19:15,923 --> 00:19:19,283 Ah, you don't change, you, do ya? Fuck you! 390 00:19:21,003 --> 00:19:24,403 MAN: Oi! Get away from my bin! Fuck you, Phil! 391 00:19:26,083 --> 00:19:27,643 Wazzock! 392 00:19:27,683 --> 00:19:29,443 (CLATTERING) (IAN GROANS) 393 00:19:29,483 --> 00:19:30,963 Shall we... 394 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,163 No. Let's go. (BOTH GROAN) 395 00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:35,403 Sheila! 396 00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:39,203 # A promise I make, a promise I make 397 00:19:39,243 --> 00:19:40,923 # Starting to take, starting to take # 398 00:19:40,963 --> 00:19:43,403 Alright, love! Sorry I'm so late. # Babe... # 399 00:19:44,363 --> 00:19:47,443 Look who's back in town. My bloody... 400 00:19:47,483 --> 00:19:50,443 # Rhinestone Cowboy # 401 00:19:51,363 --> 00:19:54,203 (MUSIC OFF) She has had a few drink, OK, 402 00:19:54,243 --> 00:19:56,003 while she's been waiting for you. 403 00:19:56,043 --> 00:20:00,043 A little couple of glasses of vino di rosso de tinto ma bebe. 404 00:20:00,083 --> 00:20:01,203 (LAUGHS) 405 00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:03,723 Yeah. Ha-ha. Sorry, Kirst, there's something I need to- 406 00:20:03,763 --> 00:20:06,523 What is that? Tastes Of The World, innit. 407 00:20:06,563 --> 00:20:08,443 Eee... 408 00:20:08,483 --> 00:20:10,043 You got my favourite! 409 00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:13,083 Even though it's a... # logistical nightmaaaaare # 410 00:20:13,123 --> 00:20:18,243 Yeah, there's something I need to- Cos you gotta get the poppadoms! 411 00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:20,043 Kirsty, if I could- (GASPS) 412 00:20:20,083 --> 00:20:22,323 No! No! 413 00:20:23,203 --> 00:20:24,923 Alright? Glen! What the fu- 414 00:20:24,963 --> 00:20:27,443 It's not, erm... He's, er- Why is he here? 415 00:20:27,483 --> 00:20:29,843 This is Lee. Nice to meet ya. 416 00:20:30,803 --> 00:20:33,083 He's gonna be staying with us for a bit. 417 00:20:33,763 --> 00:20:36,643 Are you fucking insane?! 418 00:20:36,683 --> 00:20:39,723 He broke into our home! What are you thinking?! 419 00:20:39,763 --> 00:20:43,923 It's only for tonight. Glen, you said he was a sex worker. 420 00:20:45,883 --> 00:20:47,403 Told ya. 421 00:20:48,203 --> 00:20:51,803 Kirsty, erm- Oh, right! Oh, no! 422 00:20:51,843 --> 00:20:54,003 Oh, is it... Are you two- Christ! No! no! 423 00:20:54,043 --> 00:20:55,963 No, it's not that! Fucking joking! 424 00:20:56,003 --> 00:20:57,643 Oh, my God... Kirsty! 425 00:20:57,683 --> 00:21:00,483 Kirsty, Kirsty, Kirsty- No! You get back! 426 00:21:00,523 --> 00:21:03,323 You get back! Listen to me. Kirsty, listen to me! 427 00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:05,803 Kirsty! Kirsty! He's my brother! 428 00:21:09,203 --> 00:21:11,403 (LAUGHS) OK. 429 00:21:11,443 --> 00:21:15,123 OK, sure. Yeah, sure he is. 430 00:21:15,163 --> 00:21:17,883 Because, you famously have absolutely no family 431 00:21:17,923 --> 00:21:21,683 and he looks...oh, literally nothing like you, Glen. 432 00:21:21,723 --> 00:21:24,003 Oh, no, it's totally plausible that he's your bro- 433 00:21:24,043 --> 00:21:26,243 (PLAYS SPOONS) Remember? 434 00:21:29,003 --> 00:21:30,843 What's he doing? 435 00:21:30,883 --> 00:21:34,563 Canvey Island Talent Show, 1994. 436 00:21:34,603 --> 00:21:36,163 Oh. 437 00:21:39,723 --> 00:21:41,203 What...? 438 00:21:42,163 --> 00:21:44,123 You got the tunes? 439 00:21:45,603 --> 00:21:47,403 You got the spoons? 440 00:21:49,483 --> 00:21:52,683 Can somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on? 441 00:21:53,643 --> 00:21:56,083 # M PEOPLE: Moving On Up 442 00:21:56,123 --> 00:21:57,843 Right? 443 00:22:01,843 --> 00:22:04,083 (SPOONS CLACK RHYTHMICALLY) 444 00:22:07,523 --> 00:22:09,403 # Cos I'm movin' on up 445 00:22:09,443 --> 00:22:11,523 # You're movin' on out 446 00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:13,403 # Movin' on up 447 00:22:13,443 --> 00:22:15,283 # Nothin' can stop me 448 00:22:15,323 --> 00:22:16,803 # Movin' on up 449 00:22:16,843 --> 00:22:18,883 # You're movin' on out 450 00:22:18,923 --> 00:22:20,763 # Time to break free 451 00:22:20,803 --> 00:22:22,683 # Nothin' can stop me 452 00:22:22,723 --> 00:22:23,843 # Movin' 453 00:22:24,483 --> 00:22:25,963 # Movin' 454 00:22:26,243 --> 00:22:27,963 # Movin' 455 00:22:28,003 --> 00:22:30,603 # Nothin' can stop me 456 00:22:30,643 --> 00:22:32,083 (SAXOPHONE SOLO) 457 00:22:37,363 --> 00:22:39,203 (MUSIC ENDS) 458 00:22:44,243 --> 00:22:46,003 What the fuck? 459 00:22:49,883 --> 00:22:51,363 Oh, my God. 460 00:22:52,883 --> 00:22:55,243 I better get Dad on the radiator. Yeah. 461 00:22:59,403 --> 00:23:02,843 I'm... I'm so sorry, Kirsty, but... 462 00:23:05,283 --> 00:23:07,123 # I got the poppadoms! # 463 00:23:07,163 --> 00:23:09,163 (PHONE BUZZES) 464 00:23:15,843 --> 00:23:18,483 Fuck you. D'you hear me? 465 00:23:19,203 --> 00:23:21,723 I'm gone. So call them off. 466 00:23:22,923 --> 00:23:24,723 It's over. 467 00:23:25,883 --> 00:23:28,083 # Yes, I'm comin' down... 468 00:23:38,003 --> 00:23:40,443 I keep meaning to say, love, your, er... 469 00:23:40,483 --> 00:23:42,403 your fringe... 470 00:23:42,443 --> 00:23:44,123 really frames your face. 471 00:23:44,883 --> 00:23:46,483 (CLEARS THROAT) 472 00:23:47,363 --> 00:23:49,923 # I'm comin' down, down, down, down, down! 473 00:23:49,963 --> 00:23:52,323 # Comin' down with a heartache 474 00:23:57,363 --> 00:23:59,963 # I ain't sick but I got a fever 475 00:24:01,283 --> 00:24:03,763 # Blood pressure's running high 476 00:24:04,683 --> 00:24:07,683 # Pulse ain't right, I can't sleep at night 477 00:24:07,723 --> 00:24:10,643 # And here's the reason why 478 00:24:10,683 --> 00:24:13,483 # I'm comin' down, down, down, down, down! 479 00:24:13,523 --> 00:24:15,363 # Comin' down with a heartache # 480 00:24:15,403 --> 00:24:18,843 Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky