1 00:00:00,043 --> 00:00:05,003 The following programme contains strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:11,963 Have you seen this geezer? Glen Campbell. 3 00:00:12,003 --> 00:00:13,723 He works here. Are you gonna introduce me? 4 00:00:13,763 --> 00:00:15,803 (BOTH SCREAM) He's my brother! I was wondering 5 00:00:15,843 --> 00:00:18,643 if we might have that chat today about the assistant manager-Shh. 6 00:00:18,683 --> 00:00:20,803 Why would you do this? I wanted to get your attention. 7 00:00:20,843 --> 00:00:23,403 By kidnapping my boss? Hundred days and thy shall be wed. 8 00:00:23,443 --> 00:00:26,403 Why are you...?I got sent home from work. There was a gas leak. 9 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,643 I just wanna ask you a question! What do you want to ask? 10 00:00:28,683 --> 00:00:31,283 You got Steve's number?Steve? Steve! Your Uncle Steve! 11 00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:33,963 You can stay at mine! Promise me there's nothing dodgy going on. 12 00:00:34,003 --> 00:00:35,963 I'm gone! So call 'em off! 13 00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,923 (CLOCK BEEPS STEADILY) (SNORING) 14 00:00:40,443 --> 00:00:43,163 # JARVIS COCKER: Aline # 15 00:00:55,443 --> 00:00:59,083 (SINGING IN FRENCH) 16 00:01:16,363 --> 00:01:19,043 (SINGING CONTINUES) 17 00:01:31,283 --> 00:01:33,522 (SINGING CONTINUES) 18 00:01:33,563 --> 00:01:35,283 (SINGING STOPS ABRUPTLY) 19 00:01:35,323 --> 00:01:37,723 Fifty years. You what? 20 00:01:39,123 --> 00:01:41,403 That's how long it takes for this to biodegrade. 21 00:01:41,443 --> 00:01:43,802 Oh, piss off. Ugh. 22 00:01:47,403 --> 00:01:49,363 (GRIMACES) 23 00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:52,203 Not on my street, son. 24 00:01:52,243 --> 00:01:54,883 Go on. (ENGINE STARTS) 25 00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:58,123 (TYRES SCREECH) 26 00:01:58,163 --> 00:02:00,203 (MUSIC RESUMES) 27 00:02:03,763 --> 00:02:05,483 Oh, God! 28 00:02:06,363 --> 00:02:10,883 (VIA RADIO): # ..people on the narrow-mind streets. # 29 00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:14,083 PRESENTER: "That Was Try A Little Kindness..."Morning! 30 00:02:15,723 --> 00:02:17,523 Did you sleep well? 31 00:02:17,563 --> 00:02:20,003 Nah. Oh, right. 32 00:02:20,043 --> 00:02:22,683 Oh, my God! Toast there for ya. 33 00:02:22,723 --> 00:02:26,203 Erm, OK, great, thank you. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 34 00:02:26,243 --> 00:02:29,843 Erm, are you... Are you having- Breakfast of champions. 35 00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,083 (RADIO CHATTER) (DOOR CLOSES) 36 00:02:33,523 --> 00:02:35,243 Morning, love. Morning. 37 00:02:36,122 --> 00:02:37,843 He seems nice. 38 00:02:38,763 --> 00:02:41,643 Well, did you talk?Er, no, but he's not massively chatty, is he? 39 00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:44,003 Is that your dressing gown? Yup. 40 00:02:45,003 --> 00:02:48,083 Oh, God, I'm sorry, Glen, I'm really trying, but this is a lot. 41 00:02:48,122 --> 00:02:50,203 I-I k-know... I know love, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. 42 00:02:50,243 --> 00:02:52,003 (SIGHS) You know how I feel about secrets. 43 00:02:52,043 --> 00:02:55,643 There's this massive one in the garden. What's he even staring at? 44 00:02:55,683 --> 00:02:57,683 I don't care who you are, nobody's that deep. 45 00:02:57,723 --> 00:03:00,323 Well, I'm just worrying about Ian, love.Why? 46 00:03:00,363 --> 00:03:03,443 Well, because that's your promotion, what if he's upset him?Well, yeah. 47 00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:05,603 You know we've got a wedding to pay for.Yeah, hmm. 48 00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:08,003 I think we need to take some action. Mm.I think we need 49 00:03:08,043 --> 00:03:10,723 to do something for Ian, really nice, take him out for dinner.Yes. 50 00:03:10,763 --> 00:03:13,403 Butter him up a bit. We'll take him to the...Regency...Regency. 51 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,443 We'll show him the... BOTH: Wantons.Exactly. 52 00:03:15,483 --> 00:03:17,883 So, ask him today if he can do it. Yeah, yeah. Alright. 53 00:03:17,923 --> 00:03:20,323 Because, love, what I don't want is for it to come between us. 54 00:03:21,683 --> 00:03:24,363 (STUTTERS) Why would it? Because we've been, you know... 55 00:03:24,403 --> 00:03:27,483 We have been having a bit of a difficult time recently.(MUMBLES) 56 00:03:27,523 --> 00:03:31,283 No, because he... I think he's just, like, depressed. 57 00:03:31,323 --> 00:03:34,443 Well my mum was depressed, Glen. And we couldn't get her off the sofa 58 00:03:34,483 --> 00:03:36,923 for weeks, love. And then one day, I realised, 59 00:03:36,963 --> 00:03:40,643 "Hmm, no, Mum's not depressed. Mum just really likes Bargain Hunt." 60 00:03:41,883 --> 00:03:44,803 Cheers! Hi! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 61 00:03:44,843 --> 00:03:48,203 Hmm. (OLD TUNE PLAYS ON RADIO) 62 00:03:51,443 --> 00:03:53,243 Morning! You sleep alright? 63 00:03:53,283 --> 00:03:55,283 That cunt's got 'em all on your borders. 64 00:03:55,323 --> 00:03:57,883 Oh? Ah, well. Never mind. Oi! 65 00:03:57,923 --> 00:04:00,763 Morning, Roger! Hi. 66 00:04:02,483 --> 00:04:04,963 The fuck was that?Tell me. Alright? Why you're really here. 67 00:04:05,003 --> 00:04:08,843 You in some kind of trouble?I told ya. I'm looking for Steve Drummond. 68 00:04:08,883 --> 00:04:10,723 (LAWNMOWER WHIRRS NEARBY) 69 00:04:11,963 --> 00:04:13,883 Looks like he runs a tanning place. 70 00:04:13,923 --> 00:04:15,723 Fucking hell. Steve Diamond? 71 00:04:15,763 --> 00:04:17,603 No wonder I couldn't find the cunt. 72 00:04:18,562 --> 00:04:21,043 Alright, well, reckon I'll pop over there. 73 00:04:21,083 --> 00:04:23,243 What, for a tan? Behave. 74 00:04:23,283 --> 00:04:25,483 I'm not asking for cancer. (LIGHTER CLICKS) 75 00:04:26,363 --> 00:04:29,123 He might not be there, Lee. I don't think he's wiping down the beds. 76 00:04:29,163 --> 00:04:31,123 Well, they'll know where he is, won't they? 77 00:04:31,163 --> 00:04:33,683 Don't worry. I'll be out your hair by tonight. 78 00:04:33,723 --> 00:04:35,883 Well, then... 79 00:04:35,923 --> 00:04:38,323 that's it. There's no other reason...Like what? 80 00:04:40,243 --> 00:04:42,923 Right, then. (CLEARS THROAT) (SNIFFLES) Well, it's, er... 81 00:04:42,963 --> 00:04:45,003 It's been nice. Yeah... 82 00:04:45,043 --> 00:04:47,163 Yeah. Erm... (CLEARS THROAT) We'll be off to work. 83 00:04:47,202 --> 00:04:49,963 Post the keys through the letter box-Will do, and I'll be off. 84 00:04:50,003 --> 00:04:52,403 Alright. Great.Great.Great.Great. 85 00:04:55,163 --> 00:04:58,043 Look, Lee, I just think that... 86 00:05:01,683 --> 00:05:04,883 That's hers. Yeah, I didn't know you had it. 87 00:05:04,923 --> 00:05:08,443 Yeah, it's not... It's not for using. 88 00:05:08,483 --> 00:05:10,163 It's a fucking egg cup, Glen. Yeah, 89 00:05:10,203 --> 00:05:13,563 you can't ash in that. She ash-ed in it. 90 00:05:13,603 --> 00:05:16,483 I'd just really...rather you didn't. 91 00:05:16,523 --> 00:05:19,723 # YMA SUMAC: Jungla # # Bam Babubam bubambam 92 00:05:19,763 --> 00:05:22,043 # Bam Babubam bubambam 93 00:05:22,083 --> 00:05:24,083 # Bam Babubam bubambam... # 94 00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:27,283 Don't... Let it go. 95 00:05:27,323 --> 00:05:29,083 Hey, let it go. (STRAINING) 96 00:05:29,123 --> 00:05:32,643 Let it go. Just fucking... Can you stop...? 97 00:05:38,523 --> 00:05:40,363 Well done. 98 00:05:40,403 --> 00:05:43,043 (INHALES SHARPLY) That was mother's, you prawn. 99 00:05:46,723 --> 00:05:49,963 # MANNY CORCHADO & HIS ORCHESTRA (FEAT. TITO JIMENEZ): Pow Wow # 100 00:05:50,003 --> 00:05:52,003 (SINGERS VOCALISING) 101 00:06:05,243 --> 00:06:09,563 (DOOR SENSOR CHIMES) Oi. Outside! 102 00:06:10,923 --> 00:06:12,763 (DOOR SENSOR CHIMES) 103 00:06:12,803 --> 00:06:14,603 (TRAFFIC HUMS) 104 00:06:15,963 --> 00:06:18,963 What you get sent out for? Only one child in at a time. 105 00:06:20,443 --> 00:06:23,323 (INHALES SHARPLY) I feel ya. (EXHALES SHARPLY) 106 00:06:32,603 --> 00:06:34,363 Good boy. 107 00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:42,443 The tanning shop over the road is closed.Seems that way, don't it? 108 00:06:42,483 --> 00:06:45,523 Only, I'm looking for Steve. Steve don't work the shop. 109 00:06:45,563 --> 00:06:47,443 Got an office nearby. 110 00:06:47,483 --> 00:06:49,923 Nearby? Where? You gonna buy something or what? 111 00:06:50,803 --> 00:06:52,763 I'd love to. 112 00:07:07,523 --> 00:07:09,563 As you were. 113 00:07:11,923 --> 00:07:13,923 Just that, my darling. 114 00:07:17,283 --> 00:07:21,163 So, this office, where is it? It's right next door. Darling. 115 00:07:21,203 --> 00:07:22,963 (SCOFFS) 116 00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:26,203 (VOMITING) 117 00:07:26,243 --> 00:07:28,163 Oi! You... Ugh! 118 00:07:29,363 --> 00:07:31,083 Kids, eh?! 119 00:07:33,323 --> 00:07:35,723 Lovely little thing, in't ya, eh? 120 00:07:43,403 --> 00:07:45,163 Hi, Catherine. 121 00:07:45,202 --> 00:07:47,963 Yeah, so if you could just have those numbers on my desk 122 00:07:48,003 --> 00:07:50,963 by the end of play then that'd be... 123 00:07:57,723 --> 00:08:00,683 Kirsty! Jen, hi! 124 00:08:00,723 --> 00:08:04,123 Hello. Mm, how's things? 125 00:08:04,163 --> 00:08:06,923 Yeah. Great! Really, 126 00:08:06,963 --> 00:08:09,363 yeah, yeah. How are you? 127 00:08:09,403 --> 00:08:11,163 Mm. (CLICKS TONGUE) Look... 128 00:08:11,203 --> 00:08:13,243 about your suspension... 129 00:08:14,443 --> 00:08:16,643 Obviously, people talk. 130 00:08:16,683 --> 00:08:19,163 I mean, a lot of stuff did go missing. (LAUGHS) 131 00:08:19,203 --> 00:08:21,843 I just hope you're OK. 132 00:08:23,563 --> 00:08:25,363 Thanks, Jen, thank you. 133 00:08:25,403 --> 00:08:28,203 Erm... And look, er, 134 00:08:28,243 --> 00:08:32,003 if by "people" you mean Linda... 135 00:08:32,043 --> 00:08:34,643 then yeah, pinch of salt. 136 00:08:34,683 --> 00:08:37,602 Because she said some pretty crazy things about you 137 00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:40,722 crying in the ladies loo every lunch time. So... 138 00:08:41,683 --> 00:08:43,563 Yeah... (LIPSTICK CLATTERS) 139 00:08:49,283 --> 00:08:51,123 Look after yourself, Kirsty. 140 00:08:52,523 --> 00:08:54,843 (SCOFFS) 141 00:09:21,203 --> 00:09:23,043 (DOOR OPENS) 142 00:09:33,243 --> 00:09:35,763 Glen? (URINATING) 143 00:09:35,803 --> 00:09:38,803 Oh, hi, Ian. I wanted a word about last night. 144 00:09:38,843 --> 00:09:42,283 Right. Yes, erm, OK Ian...Ian, I-I can't apologise enough. 145 00:09:42,323 --> 00:09:44,643 I mean- What for?Well, 146 00:09:44,683 --> 00:09:46,803 because Lee sort of... 147 00:09:46,843 --> 00:09:49,083 kidnapped you? No, no, no, no, no, 148 00:09:49,123 --> 00:09:52,603 Glen, water under the bridge that. No, 149 00:09:52,643 --> 00:09:55,163 the thing is, I-I just needed to ask, 150 00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:57,403 did he mention me, at all? (URINATING STOPS) 151 00:09:57,443 --> 00:09:59,443 Hmm? Afterwards? 152 00:09:59,483 --> 00:10:02,163 Um... 153 00:10:02,203 --> 00:10:05,043 No. No worries. Just wondered. (URINATING RESUMES) 154 00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:07,243 Well, erm, actually, Ian, there was something 155 00:10:07,283 --> 00:10:09,203 that I wanted to ask- This might surprise you, 156 00:10:09,243 --> 00:10:12,403 but I don't have many strong male friendships. 157 00:10:12,443 --> 00:10:16,563 OK...Sheila's always been my main emotional outlet. 158 00:10:16,603 --> 00:10:19,163 (ZIP ZIPS) Well, of course, yeah. 159 00:10:19,203 --> 00:10:21,163 (URINAL FLUSHES) 160 00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,483 Mm. 161 00:10:25,443 --> 00:10:27,483 But it feels like that's changing. 162 00:10:29,323 --> 00:10:31,483 Well, yeah, er... So... So, 163 00:10:31,523 --> 00:10:33,763 t-there was something I wanted to ask you, actually. 164 00:10:33,803 --> 00:10:35,643 (WATER RUNNING) Er, Kirsty and I were talking 165 00:10:35,683 --> 00:10:38,603 and saying how funny it is we never see each other outside of work. 166 00:10:38,643 --> 00:10:42,563 Fine.Er, yeah. And... And... And so, I was wondering if, er, 167 00:10:42,603 --> 00:10:45,083 if you might like to join us, for, er, for... 168 00:10:45,123 --> 00:10:48,883 for, join us for dinner.(DRYER WHIRRS)There's a Chinese we like. 169 00:10:48,923 --> 00:10:51,323 They know us there, the...the Regency. 170 00:10:51,363 --> 00:10:53,203 (DRYER STOPS) Er, just off of junction 12. 171 00:10:53,243 --> 00:10:55,523 And erm, yeah, well... 172 00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:57,683 And actually, we're free tonight. 173 00:10:57,723 --> 00:10:59,643 If, er... 174 00:10:59,683 --> 00:11:01,523 Will Lee be there? 175 00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:05,883 Absolutely! Alright, then. 176 00:11:16,523 --> 00:11:19,763 (LAUGHS) Your dick pills, Glen. 177 00:11:19,803 --> 00:11:22,843 Thank you...Brian. 178 00:11:32,729 --> 00:11:34,843 Lee! Hi. It's Glen, er, 179 00:11:34,883 --> 00:11:37,723 listen, mad idea, but i-i-i-if you're still around if you haven't, 180 00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:39,883 you know, left yet, then we...we were thinking, erm, 181 00:11:39,923 --> 00:11:42,043 "Let's take Lee out for dinner?" Proper send-off, 182 00:11:42,083 --> 00:11:44,123 that sort of thing! We're actually going to... 183 00:11:44,163 --> 00:11:46,763 to The Re...Regency... "..if...if you could join us. 184 00:11:46,803 --> 00:11:48,963 "you know, table's booked for seven, so really hope 185 00:11:49,003 --> 00:11:51,043 "that we will see you there." 186 00:11:51,083 --> 00:11:53,443 (PHONE BEEPS) AUTOMATED VOICE: "Message deleted." 187 00:11:53,483 --> 00:11:55,483 You can go through now. 188 00:11:55,523 --> 00:11:57,483 Cheers, my darling. 189 00:11:59,163 --> 00:12:01,323 (SUN BED HUMS) (TIMER TICKING) 190 00:12:01,363 --> 00:12:03,243 (GENTLE SONG PLAYS IN ROOM) 191 00:12:09,283 --> 00:12:12,043 (TIMER DINGS) (GROANS) 192 00:12:12,083 --> 00:12:15,243 (GROANS) (SUN BED CREAKS) 193 00:12:15,283 --> 00:12:18,483 Fuck me. The mahogany Nosferatu. 194 00:12:18,523 --> 00:12:22,723 (LAUGHS) That's a bit of a freaky outfit, innit? 195 00:12:22,763 --> 00:12:25,603 Speak for yourself. (BOTH LAUGH) 196 00:12:25,643 --> 00:12:28,243 Look at you. Oh!(LAUGHS) 197 00:12:28,283 --> 00:12:30,603 BOTH: Oh. 198 00:12:30,643 --> 00:12:33,523 Well, well, well...Lee Campbell. 199 00:12:33,563 --> 00:12:35,723 What brings you all the way out here?Well, 200 00:12:35,763 --> 00:12:38,163 I saw your little flyer, and I thought, 201 00:12:38,203 --> 00:12:40,883 "Fuck me! My dad's old mate, Steve Drummond." 202 00:12:40,923 --> 00:12:43,363 It's Diamond now. Diamond, yeah. Thought I'd slip over, 203 00:12:43,403 --> 00:12:45,843 come see how the years have treated ya.You mean, you sat 204 00:12:45,883 --> 00:12:48,003 in that reception for all this time, 205 00:12:48,043 --> 00:12:51,723 just wanna have a pow-wow with me about how well life's treating me? 206 00:12:51,763 --> 00:12:54,403 Alright, clever bollocks. Alright, you got me! 207 00:12:54,443 --> 00:12:57,203 I got a business opportunity to run by you.Heey! 208 00:12:57,243 --> 00:12:59,763 Always a move, ain't there? 209 00:12:59,803 --> 00:13:03,483 Go on then, hit me.Well, the haulage business is thriving, 210 00:13:03,523 --> 00:13:06,803 I wanna expand. New trade routes in Spain. 211 00:13:06,843 --> 00:13:09,483 it's a good time for it, Steve. 212 00:13:09,523 --> 00:13:13,563 I'm looking for investment partners. Hmm, what we talking? 213 00:13:13,603 --> 00:13:16,643 Twenty, twenty-five... 214 00:13:16,683 --> 00:13:19,803 What, bags? That's a lump, ain't it? 215 00:13:19,843 --> 00:13:22,763 Fuck me! It's a sound investment, Steve. 216 00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,603 Well, I hope you're not gonna take my cash 217 00:13:25,643 --> 00:13:29,763 and fuck off to Marbella and start a new life, eh, Lee? 218 00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:34,043 (BOTH LAUGH) 219 00:13:34,083 --> 00:13:36,563 No! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 220 00:13:36,603 --> 00:13:38,523 (SLURPS) I'll be honest, 221 00:13:38,563 --> 00:13:40,603 I'm flattered that you thought of me, Lee. 222 00:13:40,643 --> 00:13:42,683 I knew I could rely on you. (MUFFLED LAUGH) 223 00:13:42,723 --> 00:13:45,563 Why? Cos I've done so well for myself?Yes! 224 00:13:45,603 --> 00:13:48,563 And also because, my old man, he did look after ya. 225 00:13:48,603 --> 00:13:50,923 And he also said you was there for him. 226 00:13:50,963 --> 00:13:53,883 Whenever he needed ya, he said you was as solid as a rock!(LAUGHS) 227 00:13:53,923 --> 00:13:57,123 Is that what he said?! (LAUGHS) 228 00:13:59,483 --> 00:14:02,043 Well, I tell you what Lee. How about this...? 229 00:14:03,003 --> 00:14:05,483 Suck my big, ginger cock. 230 00:14:06,523 --> 00:14:10,003 What?You heard. You see, your old man was a prick. 231 00:14:10,043 --> 00:14:12,683 And I, for one, am fucking glad that he's croaked it. 232 00:14:12,723 --> 00:14:16,723 (LAUGHS) Fucking hell! Steve. Mate... 233 00:14:16,763 --> 00:14:19,283 Oh, well, there's the thing, you see, Lee. 234 00:14:19,323 --> 00:14:22,163 I'm not your fucking mate. 235 00:14:22,203 --> 00:14:24,203 A toxic manipulator. 236 00:14:24,243 --> 00:14:26,043 That's what your old man was. 237 00:14:26,083 --> 00:14:28,163 Hold up a minute. So, 238 00:14:28,203 --> 00:14:32,643 when I heard the great fucking Lee Campbell was in my reception, 239 00:14:32,683 --> 00:14:35,563 I thought, "What's that slippery prick want, eh?" 240 00:14:35,603 --> 00:14:38,483 See I don't know if you know, I'm a bit of a boat now, Lee, 241 00:14:38,523 --> 00:14:41,843 one of the chaps, so I made a few phone calls. 242 00:14:41,883 --> 00:14:44,323 Turns out someone's been a naughty boy, 243 00:14:44,363 --> 00:14:47,803 ain't they?Who've you been talking to?Does "Bunny" ring a bell? 244 00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:49,763 No. 245 00:14:49,803 --> 00:14:52,483 Look at you. Come crawling to me! 246 00:14:52,523 --> 00:14:55,683 What would your old fucking man say to that, eh?! 247 00:14:55,723 --> 00:14:59,523 You fuck-(LAUGHS) Oh, what you gonna do Lee? You gonna hit me, are ya?! 248 00:14:59,563 --> 00:15:01,843 Go on, then. No, Steve, I'm not gonna hit ya 249 00:15:01,883 --> 00:15:05,043 cos you're fucking ancient.You know the only one regret I have, Lee? 250 00:15:05,083 --> 00:15:08,763 That I never give your fucking old man a good hiding 251 00:15:08,803 --> 00:15:10,723 when he was a-fucking live! 252 00:15:10,763 --> 00:15:14,563 (LAUGHS) Yeah, we're done here. I'll, er, see you later on Steve. 253 00:15:14,603 --> 00:15:18,123 (DOOR RATTLES) But then I thought, "Hold on, 254 00:15:18,163 --> 00:15:20,683 "we've got the next best thing, haven't we?" 255 00:15:21,603 --> 00:15:25,083 What is this? A wind up? (LAUGHS) 256 00:15:26,163 --> 00:15:30,163 Nah. I'm fucking trained, my old son. 257 00:15:30,203 --> 00:15:32,003 Give me the fucking keys, Steve. 258 00:15:32,043 --> 00:15:34,643 Krav Maga. Krav fucking what? 259 00:15:34,683 --> 00:15:38,523 I say bring it, cunt! Bring it! 260 00:15:39,923 --> 00:15:42,123 Right, so, how...how... how... how are we doing this? 261 00:15:42,163 --> 00:15:44,803 We're gonna bring up examples of your leadership capabilities. 262 00:15:44,843 --> 00:15:48,123 Hmm. Great.OK?Great. Yeah, w-which particular examples? 263 00:15:48,163 --> 00:15:51,323 Just leave it to me, alright? You just say something about neighbours, 264 00:15:51,363 --> 00:15:53,763 and then I'm gonna do the rest. OK? 265 00:15:53,803 --> 00:15:55,563 Right. Great, neighbours, yes. 266 00:15:55,603 --> 00:15:58,123 So, how exactly do you want me to...(DOOR OPENS)There he is! 267 00:15:58,163 --> 00:16:00,003 (LAUGHS) Here we are! Hiya. 268 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,803 Ian, I was just saying to Kirsty how you live out by the golf course. 269 00:16:02,843 --> 00:16:04,763 Lovely area. 270 00:16:04,803 --> 00:16:08,763 Mm.Lovely. Really, all that lovely, erm... 271 00:16:08,803 --> 00:16:11,203 grass. 272 00:16:11,243 --> 00:16:14,763 A-A-And the community there, must be, you know, all the people... 273 00:16:14,803 --> 00:16:17,123 Yeah. ..who live there...Sorry, 274 00:16:17,163 --> 00:16:19,683 sorry, could I? Oh, er, yeah. 275 00:16:19,723 --> 00:16:21,643 (CHAIR SCRAPES) 276 00:16:23,563 --> 00:16:25,283 (DOOR CLOSES) 277 00:16:25,323 --> 00:16:27,243 (DINNERS CHATTER) 278 00:16:28,283 --> 00:16:30,483 When's Lee getting here? 279 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,683 Erm... 280 00:16:33,763 --> 00:16:36,883 # SHIRLY BASSEY: This Is My Life # # This Is My Life... 281 00:16:36,923 --> 00:16:38,963 (BOTH GRUNTING) 282 00:16:43,563 --> 00:16:46,403 Don't be put off by, erm, er, 283 00:16:46,443 --> 00:16:49,443 cos the food is really, er, yeah, and you... 284 00:16:49,483 --> 00:16:52,083 You've gotta try the wontons. Doesn't he, Glen?Those wontons! 285 00:16:52,123 --> 00:16:54,443 Oh, my God.(LAUGHS)Do not get him started on the wontons! 286 00:16:54,483 --> 00:16:56,843 See they're crispy, but they're also very, very mois... 287 00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:58,603 (TOILET FLUSHES) 288 00:17:06,122 --> 00:17:09,122 # ..my life... 289 00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,083 Just give me the fucking keys. 290 00:17:11,122 --> 00:17:13,402 You're nothing. (FABRIC RIPS) 291 00:17:14,443 --> 00:17:16,162 Yes! 292 00:17:20,043 --> 00:17:23,683 Just give me the fucking key. 293 00:17:23,723 --> 00:17:26,923 (BOTH GRUNTING) 294 00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:29,523 Mmm. Mmm.Yummy. 295 00:17:29,563 --> 00:17:31,803 Mmm. 296 00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:34,963 Mmm. He's not coming, is he? 297 00:17:38,603 --> 00:17:41,683 H-He wanted to.He really wanted to. He did want to.Yeah. 298 00:17:41,723 --> 00:17:44,083 "I can't believe I'm not gonna get to go to dinner with Ian." 299 00:17:44,123 --> 00:17:46,203 That's what he said to us. "I'm livid," he said. 300 00:17:46,243 --> 00:17:49,763 "I'm actually livid," you know. Yeah, he...he...he couldn't make it. 301 00:17:52,283 --> 00:17:55,683 (GROANING) 302 00:17:56,563 --> 00:17:58,803 Come back here you fucking... 303 00:18:00,363 --> 00:18:02,363 Ugh. Fuck. 304 00:18:02,403 --> 00:18:06,403 Come back here. You're no big man, Lee Campbell. You're nothing. 305 00:18:06,443 --> 00:18:08,403 Do you hear me? Nothing! Fucking lunatic! 306 00:18:08,443 --> 00:18:10,843 (CONTINUES SHOUTING) 307 00:18:10,883 --> 00:18:12,643 Fuck! 308 00:18:17,083 --> 00:18:18,843 Sorry. 309 00:18:18,883 --> 00:18:21,763 Just really wanted him to come. 310 00:18:23,323 --> 00:18:25,363 Ah, well. Yes. Ha ha. 311 00:18:25,403 --> 00:18:28,043 Next time, I'm sure, you know. Mm. 312 00:18:28,083 --> 00:18:30,243 But you know, since you're here- He's here! 313 00:18:33,043 --> 00:18:35,723 Glen, I really need to talk to you. 314 00:18:35,763 --> 00:18:38,363 You came! I didn't know if you'd still be here. 315 00:18:38,403 --> 00:18:40,523 Thank you. Thank you so much. 316 00:18:40,563 --> 00:18:42,803 No, no, no, I-I-I'm not planning on- Lee, 317 00:18:42,843 --> 00:18:46,283 erm, we were just talking with Ian about neighbours, actually. 318 00:18:49,283 --> 00:18:51,763 (GLASS SMASHING NEARBY) 319 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,923 (INHALES SHARPLY) 320 00:18:55,963 --> 00:18:59,163 Go on, then. Sit down, you fucker! Oh...(LAUGHS)(Laughs)Eh? 321 00:18:59,203 --> 00:19:03,363 Can't have you slags mullering all the prawn crackers, eh, can we? 322 00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:07,203 Lee! Sit here, eh? Next to me. Alright. 323 00:19:07,243 --> 00:19:09,163 Go on, what were you talking about, neighbours? 324 00:19:09,203 --> 00:19:11,323 It's funny you should say that, yeah, 325 00:19:11,363 --> 00:19:14,323 because recently Glen, and he'll hate me saying this, 326 00:19:14,363 --> 00:19:17,003 but he...he got everyone together, all of our neighbours 327 00:19:17,043 --> 00:19:19,083 to join on a group litter pick! 328 00:19:19,123 --> 00:19:22,123 And there was a bit of reluctance, wasn't there, at first? 329 00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:25,883 But he banded everybody together, Ian and he really, he got it done, 330 00:19:25,923 --> 00:19:29,123 you see, and we actually ended up with getting a new, erm, 331 00:19:29,163 --> 00:19:31,843 a dog poo bin.Dog poo bin. On the grassy verges. Grassy verges 332 00:19:31,883 --> 00:19:35,323 So, that, you know... And if that's not an example, I think, 333 00:19:35,363 --> 00:19:37,323 of real leadership... (TOILET FLUSHES) 334 00:19:37,363 --> 00:19:40,283 ..erm, capabilities, then... (DOOR OPENS) 335 00:19:42,403 --> 00:19:44,403 Sorry. (CHAIR SCRAPES) 336 00:19:47,883 --> 00:19:49,723 Hold on a minute. 337 00:19:51,363 --> 00:19:54,323 They've whacked you right by the khazis?It's fine! 338 00:19:54,363 --> 00:19:57,563 You told me they know you here?It's fine, Lee, it's absolutely fi... 339 00:19:57,603 --> 00:19:59,643 Are we OK over here? Yeah.Yes, thank you... 340 00:19:59,683 --> 00:20:02,603 Yeah.(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)Tell him you want another table. 341 00:20:02,643 --> 00:20:04,883 No, no, Lee, no. Something wrong with this one? 342 00:20:04,923 --> 00:20:06,643 Yeah, no, it's lovely. Really lovely. 343 00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:09,443 What I'm really looking forward to is old Poirot here 344 00:20:09,483 --> 00:20:12,243 dropping his guts five foot from my head. 345 00:20:13,443 --> 00:20:16,203 I mean, if there were, you know, another table... 346 00:20:16,243 --> 00:20:19,083 That's not going to be possible, I'm afraid.Hmm. Really? 347 00:20:19,123 --> 00:20:21,043 Cos I can see one there. Stop it.Can you see it? 348 00:20:21,083 --> 00:20:24,083 Go on, have a little look.Stop it, Lee. It's fine, honestly, it's fine. 349 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:26,883 Enjoy your meal.Will do. Thank you. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 350 00:20:28,523 --> 00:20:30,923 Thank you. Yeah.Mm. 351 00:20:32,163 --> 00:20:36,003 (UTENSIL CLATTERS) Get your plates. 352 00:20:36,043 --> 00:20:39,843 No.What's happening? Oh, no, Ian? Ian? OK, yup. Get your plate. 353 00:20:39,883 --> 00:20:43,083 Oi, hold up. What are you doing? 354 00:20:43,123 --> 00:20:45,163 This table's reserved. We're moving or leaving. 355 00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:48,283 But if we're leaving, we're not fucking paying.No, Lee! Stop it! 356 00:20:48,323 --> 00:20:50,883 Stop it! What we won't do is stand here 357 00:20:50,923 --> 00:20:53,283 and be treated like utter shit cunts! 358 00:20:54,443 --> 00:20:57,403 (WHISPERS): Sorry. (VELCRO RIPS) 359 00:20:57,443 --> 00:20:59,923 Glen, put your wallet away 360 00:20:59,963 --> 00:21:02,003 or I'll stick it up his arsehole Velcro side first. 361 00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:04,083 Ricky! Oh... 362 00:21:05,363 --> 00:21:07,083 Ricky. (LAUGHS) 363 00:21:07,123 --> 00:21:09,763 Anytime you want, son. Lee, I'd rather just pay! 364 00:21:10,643 --> 00:21:12,403 For fuck's sake, listen to yourself! 365 00:21:12,443 --> 00:21:15,083 What is wrong with you tonight? There is nothing wrong with me. 366 00:21:15,123 --> 00:21:18,443 When are you gonna stop letting people treat you like fucking shit?! 367 00:21:18,483 --> 00:21:20,403 Where's the Old Angry Beaver? 368 00:21:25,523 --> 00:21:27,243 50% off. Or we walk. 369 00:21:28,243 --> 00:21:29,963 That's not going to happen. 370 00:21:30,003 --> 00:21:32,443 Yeah, that's my offer, mate. Take it or leave it. 371 00:21:32,483 --> 00:21:34,363 You heard him. 372 00:21:38,763 --> 00:21:40,523 Thirty and extra prawn crackers. 373 00:21:40,563 --> 00:21:42,923 Forty and we don't leave you the worst TripAdvisor rating 374 00:21:42,963 --> 00:21:45,003 you've ever seen in your goddamn life.(CHUCKLES) 375 00:21:58,163 --> 00:22:01,883 Suck that! (ALL GASP)Dickwad. 376 00:22:04,923 --> 00:22:07,923 (WHISPERS): No. No? No.No. 377 00:22:07,963 --> 00:22:09,723 (SIREN CHIRPS) Ugh! 378 00:22:09,763 --> 00:22:11,723 (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) Ian!Be careful. 379 00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:14,243 They're only keeping you overnight! Don't worry.He'll be OK. 380 00:22:14,283 --> 00:22:16,483 Oh, he, er... 381 00:22:16,523 --> 00:22:18,443 Asked me to give you these. (KEYS JINGLE) 382 00:22:18,483 --> 00:22:22,043 Wants you to cover for him tomorrow as acting assistant manager. 383 00:22:24,283 --> 00:22:26,763 Ian! Cheers, Ian! 384 00:22:26,803 --> 00:22:28,603 Thanks. 385 00:22:28,643 --> 00:22:31,083 Congratulations, big man. (LAUGHS) 386 00:22:31,123 --> 00:22:33,723 Look, Kirst! Assistant manager! (LAUGHS) 387 00:22:33,763 --> 00:22:35,563 Kirsty! 388 00:22:49,563 --> 00:22:51,323 (CAR DOORS CLOSING) 389 00:22:51,363 --> 00:22:54,203 (PEOPLE CHATTER AND LAUGH) Oh, here. 390 00:22:56,243 --> 00:22:58,523 I, erm... 391 00:22:58,563 --> 00:23:00,283 You fixed it. 392 00:23:02,203 --> 00:23:05,523 (LAUGHS) So, er, what do you want to tell me? 393 00:23:05,563 --> 00:23:07,963 (SNIFFLES) When you got here, 394 00:23:08,003 --> 00:23:10,403 you said you need to tell me something.Yes, so what it is- 395 00:23:10,443 --> 00:23:14,043 Listen, right, you're my brother. So, you know, 396 00:23:14,083 --> 00:23:16,723 if I can help you then... (EXHALES SHARPLY) 397 00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:19,923 Thank you because-Just not... Just not money, obviously. 398 00:23:19,963 --> 00:23:21,963 You know cos, er, 399 00:23:22,003 --> 00:23:24,243 every penny we've got goes to the wedding fund! So... 400 00:23:24,283 --> 00:23:26,203 Yeah! Core... 401 00:23:27,683 --> 00:23:29,643 It's not that though, is it? Don't be so stupid! 402 00:23:30,683 --> 00:23:34,363 Course it ain't. I was gonna ask you if I could stay for a few more days 403 00:23:34,403 --> 00:23:37,083 because...I feel like we're reconnecting. 404 00:23:38,123 --> 00:23:39,843 I'm gone. Ha ha! (CROWD GASP) 405 00:23:39,883 --> 00:23:43,363 Liberty! Liberty and freedom! OFFICER: Hey, stop! 406 00:23:43,403 --> 00:23:45,523 OFFICER 2: Sir, stop, or I will TASER you.Oh, shit! 407 00:23:45,563 --> 00:23:47,883 Oh, shit! Is that a TASER? (TASER CRACKLES)IAN: Argh! 408 00:23:47,923 --> 00:23:50,163 Oh, my God... (CROWD GASP AND MURMUR) 409 00:23:50,203 --> 00:23:52,723 Yeah, it's, er- Shall we, er...?BOTH: Yeah! 410 00:23:52,763 --> 00:23:54,883 # BETTY CHUNG: Bang Bang # 411 00:23:54,923 --> 00:23:56,963 (SINGING IN MANDARIN) 412 00:24:05,323 --> 00:24:08,363 # Bang bang... (SINGING IN MANDARIN) 413 00:24:08,403 --> 00:24:10,963 # Bang bang... (SINGS IN MANDARIN) 414 00:24:11,003 --> 00:24:14,003 # Bang bang... (SINGING IN MANDARIN) 415 00:24:14,043 --> 00:24:15,603 # Bang bang... # 416 00:24:15,643 --> 00:24:18,723 (SINGING IN MANDARIN) 417 00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,723 (MUSIC ENDS) 418 00:24:24,763 --> 00:24:28,203 Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky