'The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.'
Might we have that chat today? Sh-shh!That's your promotion.
Ian, why are you here?I've set up camp over by the shagpiles.
LEE: It's Fight Club. Argh!Sorry, Ian!
A hundred days and I shall thee wed.
Expensive things, weddings. Mental the amount people spend.
About your suspension. A lot of stuff DID go missing.
Do you not fancy me any more...?
Glen?
STEVE: Someone's been a naughty boy!
It's him, Ron. We're gonna have to find his brother.
Why are you here?! It's really frickin' bad.
I'll see you the same time tomorrow for your next reading, yeah?
Love and light, from me to you. (CALMING MUSIC)
CosmicSue72.
Right. What do you want? Hm? Please, I just wanna talk to her.
Glen, I ain't seen her that upset since Year 10
when she found out that Darren only went out with her
cos we had a Sky dish. What I wanted to say -
So it's a "no" from me. Christ, Sue!
Sorry. I just, erm...
I haven't really slept.
I just need to see her, to explain to her...
What the fuck were YOU up to last night, eh?
(LAUGHS) (GROANING)
Nothing. I'll tell her you swung by.
(WHIRRING)
(GRUNTS) Kirsty!
(MUFFLED) Get out of it. (MUFFLED) Kirsty! Kirsty! Kirsty?
You shall not pass. Please! Kirst!
Let me explain!Go away, Glen! I'm not talking to you!
I told ya. You ran off, Glen!
You disappeared! Lee made me!
Oh, yeah, bloody Lee! Sod off!
(GRUNTS) Get out of it!
Alright, yeah, yeah. Bye, love. See you later!
Dance class, yeah? Maybe.
Have a good day at work! Love you!
Get out! (GRUNTS) Alright, Sue!
Clear off, will ya? Sue, wait! Sue.
Listen, just give her this, yeah? For her lunch break.
I've done her favourite.
Whatevs. Sue, Sue!
Fuck!
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Well? She won't talk to me.
So, you know, thanks for that.
I was trying to help you, you prawn! I didn't know she was upstairs -
It don't matter now because she won't even...
Fucking Sue thinks that...
And now you're stinking up my upholstery with your bloody...
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Stress of the D'Urbervilles. Chill out.
You'll think of something to win her over.
What is this, anyway? (SNIFFS)
Smells like Nan's.
RADIO: 'This one is Power Of A Woman by Eternal.'
(SONG PLAYS)
Alright, love? Bit sad?
I get it. Men.
I see Glen still don't know you're a jobless wonder.
Let's have a chill-out day.
Bargain Hunt's on in a bit. I think I might go into town.
Oh. Alright. Well, I'll do me hair - On my own.
I see.
Well, at least have your breakfast, seeing as I've made it.
No, I'm alright, thanks. Hm...
Ungrateful cow.
'Talk me through this one more time!'
Your situation. Fuck's sake. I've told ya.
I borrowed some money off some naughty people.
I gotta lie low. It's nothing.
How is that nothing? Eh? Fuck!
I tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get out of your hair
and I'm gonna go find a hotel or summink.
What? No! No, you can't go anywhere! It's not safe.
These blokes who are looking for you, right,
they don't know where I live. So, stay at mine.
It's fine, but we need a plan. Tonight, when I come home from work,
we'll...think of something.
(RATTLING)
Like Mum used to say. Remember?
"When your head is in a spin, take a mint and pop it in."
(CHUCKLES)
She weren't wrong.
Thanks, Glen.
Oh, shit.
What if someone comes to ME looking for YOU? One of these men?
You'll be sweet.
You just gotta keep your eyes open
for geezers driving about in blacked-out motors,
with tattoos on their faces and shooters. OK? So...
You know, the er... (LAUGHS)
I'm joking. I can't even have a laugh!
Jesus Christ! You're gonna be fine!
Anyone asks you anything, you just say...
.."I ain't seen him in years." Alright.
(MIMICS) "I ain't seen him in years."
Excuse me. I'm looking for — I ain't seen him in years.
..your laminates. Sorry. Um...
It's back that way. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Mm.
Psst! Psst!
(DRUNKENLY) Hello, Glen!
(THUD)
Ian, where's your trousers?
They're gone.
Oh.
# WHITNEY HOUSTON: Million Dollar Bill
# If he makes you feel like a million dollar bill, say... #
# Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh!
# Go left right, up down... #
But, Ian... Ian, have you not slept? Ian?
I am not the Ian you once knew, Glen.
But I see it now. Lee showed me!
(WHISPERS) None of this matters!
Boom!
See? No consequences!
Because the truth is, Glen,
everything is completely meaningle- (BROKEN GLASS CRUNCHES)
Ow! Ow! Ow! OK, alright, alright.
I don't need any of this.
(SOBS) I'm gonna fucking quit.
Ian, Ian, please don't do that. No, no.
You just want your little promotion, eh?
Well, tough tits, big boy.
I'm off, baby.
I'm out of here for good. OK.
Just as soon as I can find my trousers.
Find...my...
(MUMBLES) Find... Ian?
(SNORES SOFTLY) Ian...
Uh...
Ooh-ooh.
(SNORING CONTINUES)
Yo, Glen! (GASPS)
Mate...you can do better than THAT.
What? Uh...
Aysha, no, no, no. Aysha, he's... Aysha!
Have some of this. It's what rappers drink.
Er, I'm good, thanks, Ian. Cos it's haram.
Also, it's half nine in the morning!
Aysha? Aysha, we need to keep him here and sober him up.
Chris Tarrant!
Right? What about him, eh?
Right, you'll have to go out front. What? Why?
Cos there's these two fuckers asking for the manager, innit?
Scary cunts. I'LL deal with him.
It's SIR Trevor McDonald to you!
Oi, Glen? Hm?
If shit gets nasty, can I fuck him up or what?
# ETERNAL: Power Of A Woman
# Let me take control
# Body, mind and soul
# Ahhh, doo doo doo... #
How's that for you? Er, yeah! It looks great, thank you.
Lovely. My Auntie Janet wore that to ABBA Voyage.
(TANNOY CHIME)
'Belinda, please come to the lingerie department.'
(FAINT MUSIC) (CHILD BAWLS NEARBY)
Hi, there! How can I...
..help?
Glen Campbell. How do you know my...?
Oh, it's... It's on my badge! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Glen Campbell. Like country singer? Uh, yeah, yeah.
Er, Rhinestone Cowboy! Yeah, our mum was a big country music fan.
So, er - And your brother?
Some naughty people. You said "Our mum".
Your brother, what's his name?
Is Johnny Cash? (LAUGHS AND EXPLAINS IN BOSNIAN)
Nah. No, no, it's just, erm...
(CLEARS THROAT) No, I don't... I don't have a brother.
Just me and my sister. Dolly Parton. (LAUGHS)
Oh, you are funny guy.
Thank you. Yes, well, trying to be, yeah...
..with tattoos on their faces.
What? Nothing, no, no. It's j... Um...
(CLEARS THROAT) You have...
lovely...eyes.
You know, I think we will get along very well. Yes?
IAN: I need Lee! Where's Lee? Dickhead, bruv!
(GRUNTING) Oh, I'm s...
I'm just gonna go and see...
(TINNY SOUND QUALITY) # And don't it feel good, hey
# Alright
# And don't it feel good? #
(MUFFLED MUSIC CONTINUES)
It's alright. I'll come now.
There's only one woman here trying on that horrible sequined thing.
Argh!What did I say, bitch? Don't try me!
This prick's had a second wind! Lee!
Who's he talking about, anyway? (MUFFLED GROANS)
Alright, it's about my brother.
He's staying with me, he's in a bit of trouble
and I think those men outside are looking for him.
Don't tell anyone, alright? (MUFFLED GROANS)
We need to call Sheila, his wife! Have you got her number, though?
Fuck! Give me the fucking -No!
Give me!Get the tape, Aysha! Lee!Get the fucking tape!
(BROODING GUITAR MUSIC)
SECURITY WOMAN: Is that you?
I-I did it because I... Oh!
Oh.
Is there someone you want to call? My fiance!
(BLOWS NOSE NOISILY)
(MUFFLED CRIES) Hold him still, man! What's wrong with you?
Do it! (PHONE PINGS)
Got it! Suck it, bruv!
Suck your mum! (MUFFLED CRIES)
You call Sheila. I'm gonna deal with these blokes.
Bro, bro. You got this, bruv!
Spud me, then, dickhead!
(WEAK MOANING)
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
(MAN TALKING ON TV)
(PHONE BUZZES)
MAN ON TV: 'The way you've been talking suggests
that there's quite a lot of...' (PHONE BUZZES)
'..high stress situations that you have to deal with.'
'Yes, the stresses of modern life make it hard to get some peace.
Our minds are constantly whirring.
but I do know that there's always one thing that I can count on
to bring me some relief.'
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
# You know, baby
# I want you to feel it
# You see
# I want you to feel the tempo
# So, just listen to me, baby
# Can't stop me now
# Hear what I say
# My feet want to move so just get out my way
(CLATTERING) # I'm gonna have my say
# I'm gonna introduce your dance
# I'm gonna dance, dance, dance, ooh
# If you make the chance
# Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame
# Oh, shame on you
# If you can't dance too
# I said shame, shame, shame, shame (RATTLES)
# Shame, shame, shame
# Shame on you
# If you can't dance too
# Don't stop the motion
# If you gets the notion
# You can't stop the groove cos you just don't move
# Got my salmon down
# Got my diamond in the back
# Pull off the shirt and wiggle around me
# You're gonna do your thing
# Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame
# Oh, shame on you... #
He's here. Your fiance.
(BROODING GUITAR MUSIC)
Alright, my darling?
So tell me, Glen Campbell...
do you live around here?
Uh, no, no. Far, very far.
Really?
So, um, let's take a look... at fabrications.
I think you know we're not only here for carpet, Glen.
We're looking for someone, Glen.
You understand? Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) Tell you what.
I might just pop and get the very big sample book. Ha-ha...
So, if you just bear with me for a moment...Hey!
Come back soon.
We will wait.
(SHAKILY) Fuck.
Fuck!
(MUFFLED) What? What is it?
Fuck.
Fuuuck! Fuck.
Pick up! Fucking pick up, Lee!
What? Is he here? I don't know what to do.
(SOBERLY) Glen!
Hang up the phone, Glen.
You DO know what to do, Glen. Lee showed us.
We're men, Glen! We don't run from our problems!
Lee helped us last night. Now it's time we helped HIM.
Just think, "What would Lee do?"
She's been detained for questioning.
After that, I'll call the police. Not really being detained, is it?
Cos there's a treacle waiting to get her sandwiches.
(DOOR OPENS) Sorry! Won't be a min!
What you gone for? Nice bit of ham? Yeah. Thanks.
Fine! We'll skip straight to calling the police.
Good. Can we do that, please? Do me a favour while you're at it.
Tell them to bang her up for a very, very long time.
What?What? I've had enough, Kirst!
I've had enough of this, alright?
You're not well.
If this is the kick up the bollocks you need, so be it.
No! I... No, no, no.
Doing it for charity doesn't mean it's OK.
(SPLUTTERS)
Yeah...
Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right.
It started off really small, er, the Ice Bucket Challenge,
then we had, what was it, the Couch To 5K?
Then she got a real taste for it,
then we went on to the Tsunami Relief,
then the Syrian earthquake - Help For Heroes.
Then we had the Help For Heroes.
Honestly, if you hadn't had stopped her... See this?
This would've been straight on eBay,
all the money going straight to fucking...Autism Awareness.
Is that right? Yeah. I just... I really...
I just care a lot, like, too much. She does.Yeah, I can't help it.
She can't.And I, you know, I just, I've got a...
I've got a big heart, see, and just ain't nobody gonna change that!
So just, er, just get it done.
Call 'em. Cos she needs to learn... to stop being so fucking generous.
Yeah.
Honestly... (SIGHS)
I feel sort of...
..insulted that you thought that would work.
I mean, you're a white woman in a tea dress.
The worst you're gonna get is a caution.
You know what, just piss off!
And take your eyelashes with ya!
(UPBEAT SOUL RHYTHM)
I'm sorry. We don't have anything else in store
that would be suitable for you. So... (CLEARS THROAT)
..I'm afraid you might be best to go elsewhere.
Come, Glen. We go.
Blago is getting impatient.
(GRUNTING)
Fine.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Yeah, you wanna do this? Yeah? Let's just do it.
You wanna fuck me up? Yeah! Fuck me up. Sure.
I won't go down without a fight.
(GRUNTS AND GROANS)
You can do what you want to me, but I swear...
I'm never gonna show you where I live!
(CALMLY) OK, no problem. We host.
Sorry? Yeah, sure. We host.
I'm sorry. I'm not quite sure what you...
OK, look...
Two tops...looking for a bottom.
Casual hookups. No strings.
I enjoy...
..nipple play.
Yeah, me not so much. You?
Oh. Oh, I'm...
Sorry, I'm...I'm not... I don't...
Oh!
(SPEAKS BOSNIAN) ..Dolly Parton?
So... Sorry.
So, you're not interested in my brother?
Erm, is he cute? (DOOR BANGS)
IAN: Lee, I'm coming! WAAARGH!
Ian, no! They're just gays! Aaaargh!
SHEILA: Ian!
What are you doing? Hello, Sheila.
I'm so sorry about this.
Ian, love, where are your trousers?
(MUMBLES) My...
Oh.
I'm sorry. So...
you and Ian... Separated, yes.
It's been six months. But I don't think it's sunk in for him just yet.
I'm sorry. Ian. Ian! Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Ian. Sorry...
Sorry. You DID say, didn't you, you know, about the promotion...
There is no promotion, Glen. What?I just...
One time, it slipped out, "Oh, you'll be due a promotion."
And then you just kept bringing it up.
No, no, no. Ian, Ian... Come on, Ian. No, I'm sorry.
Ian, Ian, Ian! Ian! Ian...
# Un Homme Et Une Femme
AYSHA: I think I finally get it,
what people mean when they say "job satisfaction".
When you was like, "Restrain Ian! Fuck him up!"
And I was like, "Biiitch!" (LAUGHS)
Best day!
Why are you being like this, bro? Why are you killing my vibe?
What am I gonna tell Kirsty? You know?
We've planned our wedding around a promotion that don't exist. I'm a fucking idiot.
I didn't even know you was getting married.
This is your problem - you keep your shit locked down. (TUTS)
I'll sort it.
Pardon? (MIMICS) "Pardon?"
Honestly, you crack me up. You're like Mr Bean or summink.
I'll sort it. Just like I sorted Brian.
What? My family own this place, remember?
I told my dad that Brian showed me his dick in the stock overflow area,
and now he don't work here no more.
So I'll get Dad to make you manager while Ian's away.
And you'll get paid like double or summink.
You're joking?
Aysha?
Aysha, oh, my God.
Are you sure? (SPLUTTERS)
(LAUGHS)
I've gotta tell Kirsty. She's gonna be, erm...
Right. Tell you what. (CLEARS THROAT)
(PHONE RINGS) As temporary interim acting manager,
my first executive order is...
Ha! We're closing early!
Yeah. In fact, I tell you what... YOU'RE...closing early, Aysha.
Because I have got a fiancee to win back.
Yes, Glen! Go off, short king!
(CHUCKLES) "Pardon?"
This bloody guy. Honestly, he cracks me up.
Oh, soz, mate. Closing early.
Honestly, it's been a mad one.
Glen, yeah, the one that just left,
he's got this brother who's staying with him, right?
'Fucking trouble, ya know what I'm saying?
Like, I'M bad, innit...'
KIRSTY: I only called you because... Yeah.
So there's no need to tell - No.
God, no.
And actually...
..I had it all under control...
before.
Cos it was only meant to be like...
..little things, like...
I don't know, like mascara or whatever, but just...
Now I've got barbecue sauce on my top.
(SNIFFLES) Here.
Thank you.
Lee...
..do you ever feel like you're just, like...
..the worst person in the world?
(CRYING) You try, you really try, but you just...
You just... (SOBS)
You, er...
You've got a chip...
(POP MUSIC RINGTONE) # Jump for my love!
# Jump in!
# And feel my touch
# Jump, if you want to taste my kisses in the night
# Then jump for my love
# I know my heart... #
Hey, love!
Yeah, erm, I'm just staying late at work, with Jen.
I'm snowed under.
Yeah? OK, yeah! See you later. See you at dance class.
Alright, love. No worries.
See you later. (LIFT BELL PINGS)
Thanks, Jen.
Glen, I...
I think you might want to talk to Kirsty...
about her suspension?
# CW STONEKING: The Love Me Or Die
# I studied evil, I can't deny
# Was a hoodoo charm called a Love Me Or Die
# Some fingernail, a piece of her dress
# Apothecary, Devil's behest
# I will relate the piteous consequence, my mistake
# Fallin' slave to passing desire
# Makin' the dreaded Love Me Or Die #
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