1
00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:08,299
["Like a Prayer" by Madonna playing]

2
00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:13,638
[horn honking]

3
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♪ <i>Life is a mystery</i> ♪

4
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♪ <i>Everyone must stand alone</i> ♪

5
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:27,819
♪ <i>I hear you call my name</i> ♪

6
00:00:27,902 --> 00:00:31,781
♪ <i>And it feels like</i> ♪

7
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<i>♪ Home</i> ♪

8
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[crowd cheers]

9
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♪ <i>When you call my name</i> ♪

10
00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:46,296
♪ <i>It's like a little prayer</i> ♪

11
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♪ <i>I'm down on my knees</i> ♪

12
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<i>♪ I wanna take you there</i> ♪

13
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♪ <i>In the midnight hour</i> ♪

14
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♪ <i>I can feel your power</i> ♪

15
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♪ <i>Just like a prayer</i> ♪

16
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♪ <i>You know I'll take you there</i> ♪

17
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Thank you. Despite...

18
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,565
Despite your warm welcome,
that journey was hell.

19
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[audience laughing]

20
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The journey from backstage
to a microphone always is.

21
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It's fraught.

22
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And it's 'cause for me
what it reminds me of, frankly, uh,

23
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,409
is the journey,

24
00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:17,869
you know...

25
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[audience chuckling]

26
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...from someone's face,

27
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down their torso...

28
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[audience laughing]

29
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,464
...to their pelvis,

30
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to give them a blow job.

31
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'Cause the whole way there,
both scenarios,

32
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everyone knows what you're headed to do,

33
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but you're not yet doing the thing,

34
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so there's just this question hanging
in the air the whole way of,

35
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"Can she do it?" I mean,

36
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"Will she do the thing
we're all here for well or badly?"

37
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And oh God, the uncertainty,
the [exhales]... the tenuousness.

38
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I mean... [exhaling]

39
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Can you feel it?

40
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[audience laughing]

41
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I am gonna talk about
the blow job quite a bit tonight.

42
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"To the point of tedium,"
said one early critic.

43
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[audience laughing]

44
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,380
I think I do it in a way

45
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,465
that allows us all
to maintain our dignity.

46
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,968
Uh, if you're here with a parent
or a sibling, it will be okay.

47
00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:16,928
I'm very concerned with dignity.

48
00:02:17,011 --> 00:02:20,348
I'm someone that,
for example, prefers to call "doggy style"

49
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"the Hound's Way."

50
00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:23,101
[audience laughing]

51
00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:26,146
I think the position deserves
a term with some gravitas.

52
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I think it's one
of our more noble positions.

53
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I feel like any of these positions

54
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where you're staring
into the eyes of your lover,

55
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you know, as if to become one,
there's something immature there,

56
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I'm not impressed.

57
00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:38,324
[audience laughing]

58
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To me, the Hound's Way,
it represents a more mature kind of love,

59
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where two lovers
can look towards the future together.

60
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[audience laughing]

61
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You know, it's not... it's not sad.

62
00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:52,881
It's not sad that I'm not looking at him,
that I'm not making eye contact with him.

63
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Because it's more like... it's more like
we're these two pioneers headed west.

64
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And I gotta keep my eye on that horizon
'cause these are... these are tough times.

65
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,892
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckling] But I'm a strong woman.

66
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I know hubbin's gotten from behind.
I feel him bringing it up the caboose.

67
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I just gotta put my face into the wind
and keep on keeping on

68
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through this good night
'cause our young nation depends on it.

69
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That sort of thing.

70
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[audience laughing]

71
00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:19,824
I do have a sort of poetic sensibility

72
00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:22,118
I like to warn people about
at the top of the show

73
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,953
because I know it can be trying at times.

74
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I can't help myself.

75
00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:27,665
Yeah, I used to write poetry in college.

76
00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:29,834
Like many, I gave it up. I grew tired.

77
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I grew tired of being
in a constant state of enchantment.

78
00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:34,172
[audience laughing]

79
00:03:34,255 --> 00:03:38,009
You know, just so many hours
spent curled in windowsills,

80
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just the muscles cramping,
the eyes drying out

81
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from all that wonderment, just...

82
00:03:42,972 --> 00:03:46,559
Every night seeing the moon
as if for the first goddamn time.

83
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I just wanted to grow accustomed
to the moon, you know?

84
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I wanted to take moonlight for granted,
like other girls.

85
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[audience laughing]

86
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:58,196
I hope you've taken
your opportunity by now

87
00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:00,823
just to, you know,
take in my physical form. Uh...

88
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,451
That is your right, you know. [chuckles]

89
00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:06,537
I take the stage, you show up, you get
to look, and fair enough. Fair enough.

90
00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:10,375
But it is a nightmare, it is a nightmare
for an intellectual like myself.

91
00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:11,542
[audience laughing]

92
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,920
Really to be incarnate at all, frankly.

93
00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:17,382
I mean, as a woman of ideas
on some level, everything,

94
00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:19,801
everything from the chin down
feels beneath me.

95
00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:23,554
I don't know what else to say.
"Limbs and torso, there she goes."

96
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,056
All a bit common. You know?

97
00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:28,309
The female form, this female form of mine,

98
00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:31,479
this sort of sack of sex potatoes,
you know,

99
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:34,857
this tits and ass that can't leave home
without, oh, an explanation for.

100
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:38,361
"Why would you bring those out
if you didn't bring enough for the class?"

101
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:39,821
[audience laughing]

102
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I can't leave them at home.
No taters for sale tonight. You know?

103
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:44,826
No.

104
00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,704
No, I like to keep it moving on stage

105
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:49,664
'cause I know, I know
how you people operate.

106
00:04:49,747 --> 00:04:52,875
Okay, okay, I stand still for too long,
you see something you like,

107
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,002
you take a mental snapshot.

108
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:56,045
Who knows what you'll do with it later?

109
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,298
I... I much prefer...

110
00:04:58,381 --> 00:05:01,509
I prefer to keep things moving,
keep 'em blurry. Thank you very much.

111
00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:04,304
Try to take a mental snapshot
and it's nothing but a gray blur.

112
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,514
Simple self-preservation.

113
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,476
No, I look forward to it.
I look forward to discarding the form,

114
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,271
the flesh, through death,
of course, as a ghost.

115
00:05:13,354 --> 00:05:15,273
- [audience laughing]
- Specifically.

116
00:05:15,356 --> 00:05:16,607
I look forward to being a ghost,

117
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,026
think of myself as a future ghost,

118
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:22,572
the body as training wheels I can't wait
to cast off and fly free. You know?

119
00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,741
Not too free, of course.
In order to become a ghost,

120
00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:27,410
you gotta get stuck here,
and I'll do what it takes. You know?

121
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:31,080
You know, manufacture some
unfinished business, do what's necessary.

122
00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:35,168
My meditation practice these days,
it's getting too strong, you know?

123
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:38,379
It's getting too consistent
where spiritually I'm kind of in a place

124
00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:42,717
where I die I sort of instantly transcend,
instantly dissolve into the one.

125
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,802
And that's not what I want.
I want to linger.

126
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,846
Do you see, I wanna linger as me.

127
00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:48,431
I want to haunt a house,

128
00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:51,768
and I know perhaps that's a quaint dream,
you know, unoriginal,

129
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,811
but it's mine, nonetheless.

130
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:57,523
I mean, imagine. To night after night,
to night after night

131
00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,777
just watch television
behind someone watching television.

132
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:02,070
[audience laughing]

133
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:04,781
Just giving yourself over
to their programming choices.

134
00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:07,200
I mean, that... that would be
a meditation in its own right,

135
00:06:07,283 --> 00:06:10,703
the surrender required there, you know.
I just, uh...

136
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:14,582
I wanna be a ghost, but if I make it
as a ghost, I wanna be a strong ghost,

137
00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,000
a robust ghost, you know.

138
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,960
No blurring away at the edges for me.

139
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,380
I wanna have
fully articulating fingertips.

140
00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:23,549
I want to be 75% opacity at minimum.

141
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:24,759
[audience laughing]

142
00:06:24,842 --> 00:06:27,387
I'd say 85 max.
I want you to know I'm a ghost.

143
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,806
- Otherwise, what's the point?
- [audience laughing]

144
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:32,558
Primarily you just wanna
make sure you don't end up

145
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,894
as one of these orb figures, uh,

146
00:06:34,977 --> 00:06:38,189
the orb characters, they're kinda
the embarrassment of the ghost community,

147
00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:40,233
depending on who you talk to. [chuckles]

148
00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:42,985
I don't know if you guys watch
quite as much nonfiction,

149
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,530
paranormal programming
inside the home as I do.

150
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:47,782
I watch quite a bit.
I'm a lifelong learner.

151
00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:48,825
[audience laughing]

152
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,952
But if you don't know...
if you don't know the orbs,

153
00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:54,455
those are those, uh, small,
transparent circles of light

154
00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:56,874
that occasionally appear in a photograph
and someone'll say,

155
00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:59,335
"Oh, great-grandmother
did come to the wedding."

156
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,421
It's nice. It's really nice stuff.

157
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:02,588
[audience chuckling]

158
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,757
But people are so rude about orbs.

159
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:08,302
I mean, if you try to talk about an orb
with anything resembling seriousness,

160
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,303
they come for you.

161
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:11,264
They simply come for you, you know?

162
00:07:11,347 --> 00:07:12,765
And it's just so rude.

163
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,226
I mean, because imagine
if you were the great-grandmother

164
00:07:15,309 --> 00:07:16,853
and you did it, you know?

165
00:07:17,478 --> 00:07:20,481
You managed
to gather your strength in the afterlife

166
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:23,484
and appear for your family
as anything at all.

167
00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:25,820
I mean, a little circle,
that's pretty good.

168
00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:29,490
I mean, have any of you
ever made yourselves appear

169
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,492
as anything at all using
your consciousness alone?

170
00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:33,369
- I certainly haven't.
- [audience laughing]

171
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,787
One of the basic shapes.

172
00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:37,373
And then to be dismissed,
just summarily dismissed

173
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:41,043
by some surely unrigorous skeptic
of a great-grandson. [laughs]

174
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:42,670
I will not have that happen to me.

175
00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:45,840
No, everyone will know who's present.
It'll be, "Hi, Johnny, it's me."

176
00:07:45,923 --> 00:07:48,384
You know? But that's not the point.
That's not the point.

177
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:52,180
Well, you know, if you insist on such
a thing and you would, wouldn't you?

178
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:56,767
No, the point is I look forward
to discarding the form, the flesh,

179
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:59,479
uh, its needs, its wants, you know,

180
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:02,106
all hideousities to me, uh...

181
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:05,735
I am what many would historically call
a heterosexual woman,

182
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,320
and no, I'm not proud.

183
00:08:07,403 --> 00:08:08,362
[audience laughing]

184
00:08:08,946 --> 00:08:11,365
It's a patent humiliation
in this day and age.

185
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,868
I know what you're thinking.
Does she even read?

186
00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:15,786
[audience laughing]

187
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:18,289
And I do, I do,
and yet, you know, how can I

188
00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:20,958
when I'm just a... a girl with a ponytail

189
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,169
just lusting after the common shaft?

190
00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:25,213
[audience laughing]

191
00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:27,298
Oh, I can't believe it happened to me.

192
00:08:27,381 --> 00:08:31,219
I mean, just that simple cylinder,
that... that familiar tube,

193
00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,971
that object of seemingly no nuance.

194
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:37,391
The word I'm avoiding saying, of course,
is "penis" and now I've said it.

195
00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:40,311
- And do I feel better? No, I don't.
- [audience laughing]

196
00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:42,772
I don't love the word, few do, you know.

197
00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:46,984
A big part of me would probably rather say
the word "cock" for you people.

198
00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:50,321
I think a lot of you'd rather hear it.
The boyfriends sure did, you know?

199
00:08:50,404 --> 00:08:51,531
[audience laughing]

200
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:54,200
Cock is a good word,
it has a kind of dignity to it.

201
00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:56,994
You know, you gotta wind it up and kick it
from the back of your mouth.

202
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,205
"Co" but then "ck." It lands. A "ck, ck."

203
00:08:59,288 --> 00:09:02,959
It lands on the same damn consonant
it started on, you know?

204
00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:05,670
Penis. Penis just sort of slips
out the side of the mouth.

205
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,213
- [audience laughing]
- "Penis."

206
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:09,048
"I'm sorry. Did you say something?"

207
00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:10,633
"Well, I'm not sure anymore."

208
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:14,220
"I thought a word
and I felt something happen." You know?

209
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:15,846
People say, people say,

210
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:19,433
"Well sure, I wouldn't use the word penis
sexually, it's too clinical."

211
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:22,144
I don't hear the voice
of the clinician in that word.

212
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:25,398
I don't think penis
is our most medical-sounding word.

213
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:27,024
I mean [chuckling]...

214
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:29,902
I think the problem for people...
I think the problem for people

215
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:33,322
with the word penis lies
in its sort of tender emotionality.

216
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,409
I don't think the word penis
is a problem for people

217
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:38,869
'cause it sounds accurate to what it is.

218
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,580
Penis. Penis. [chuckles]

219
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:42,665
It sounds like a soft heartbeat. Penis.

220
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,335
Penis, penis, penis, penis.
And I think that's the problem.

221
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,964
I think... I think... I think the problem lies
in the syllables themselves too.

222
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:53,759
I don't think this is one of these
Rose-by-any-other-name scenarios.

223
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:55,761
No, "Pe-" is clearly a problem.

224
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,096
Pe... Peener... Pee-pee.

225
00:09:57,179 --> 00:10:00,016
You know, it's been mocked for ages
and rightfully so.

226
00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:04,395
You know? But to me, the true...
the true tender syllable of devastation,

227
00:10:04,478 --> 00:10:06,355
oh, it's the "nis." It's the "nis."

228
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,273
[audience laughing]

229
00:10:07,356 --> 00:10:09,817
I mean, can you believe
that's been there the whole time? "Nis."

230
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,320
"Nis." And that's why
no one speaks of that syllable.

231
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:15,698
That's why... that's why no one says,
you know, "Show me that nis."

232
00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:17,783
[audience laughing]

233
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:19,410
Wait till you see this nis?

234
00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:22,455
Nis-nis? They won't even make a joke.

235
00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:24,707
No, it's too tender. It cannot be spoken.

236
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,959
No, "cock" clearly, clearly...

237
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,462
"cock..."

238
00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:32,965
Clearly "cock" is the sexy word.

239
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,884
You know? But there's an issue.

240
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,386
There's a problem
with the word "cock" for me.

241
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,763
In a way, it becomes unsexy.

242
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:40,890
And the problem is that
when I call the penis a cock,

243
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:43,476
I'm not actually calling it like I see it.

244
00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:46,395
[audience laughing]

245
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:49,565
I'm kind of telling it
what I think it wants to hear.

246
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,484
[audience laughing]

247
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,986
I'm worrying about
the feelings of the penis.

248
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,156
I'm coddling the little ego of the penis.
I'm humoring the penis.

249
00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,909
Like, when I call the penis a cock,
I don't throw it away.

250
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:03,204
It's not cock, it's <i>cock</i>.
"Who's a cock? You're a cock."

251
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:04,705
[audience laughing]

252
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:06,749
When I call a penis a cock,
I'm humoring it.

253
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:10,461
Like I might humor my little nephew,
for example, or a friend's son, you know?

254
00:11:10,544 --> 00:11:11,379
[laughs]

255
00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:14,006
You know, one of these guys,
these over and down guys.

256
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,467
These little... the person I love
and the little guy below them.

257
00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:20,930
Like... when I call the penis a cock,
I treat it like I treat my little nephew.

258
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:23,557
He'll come running into the kitchen
where the adults are talking

259
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,768
wearing a little monster mask
or something,

260
00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:26,977
and we... we see him

261
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:30,940
and it's sort of like, "Oh, sorry, sorry...
Ah!" and then right back to talking.

262
00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:32,066
[audience laughing]

263
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:34,735
'Cause he didn't scare us.

264
00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:39,031
- He was unsuccessful in his little ruse.
- [audience laughing]

265
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,701
And you hear his feet... you know,
he's coming around again.

266
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:44,370
You give him it even faster
the second time. "Ah!" Right back to it.

267
00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:47,540
No showmanship... [laughs]
...and yet he's been rewarded. Now...

268
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,209
Do you love your nephew? Of course.

269
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,086
But do you respect him?

270
00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:54,296
[audience laughing]

271
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,006
I don't think you do.

272
00:11:56,090 --> 00:12:00,428
No, no, true respect... true respect
for the nephew isn't "Ah!"

273
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:03,723
Right? No, true respect for the nephew
is "What? No, you didn't scare me,

274
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,182
but I believe you can."

275
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:07,935
"So... so try again."

276
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:12,356
And to me, it's the same with the penis.
True respect for the penis, you know,

277
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,192
it's not, "Oh, who's a cock?
You're a cock." Right?

278
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:18,362
True respect for the penis is, "Penis."

279
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:21,449
- [moaning]
- [audience laughing]

280
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:24,368
If the penis is enough,

281
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,829
then the word "penis" should suffice,
you know?

282
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:29,331
If the penis has a chance at being sexy,

283
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,584
then the word penis should have
a chance at being sexy.

284
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:34,962
And in theory... in theory, it's enough,
you know? You know?

285
00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:36,714
In theory, it suffices.

286
00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:41,135
I mean, arguably, I'm a fan in the sense
that I show up for it time and again

287
00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:43,554
with a regularity you can count on.

288
00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:46,474
I'm a sort of church mouse
to the wafer crumb on Monday morning.

289
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:47,391
There's me.

290
00:12:47,975 --> 00:12:51,061
Sniffing about,
hoping for a taste of the divine.

291
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:55,149
So if the penis isn't the fucking <i>cock</i>,

292
00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:57,818
that I feel like
I have to act like it is in its presence,

293
00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,653
but I'm still showing up for it.

294
00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:00,654
I'm still a fan.

295
00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:02,531
Then what am I showing up for?

296
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,784
What is the penis to me?
What is its nature?

297
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,953
- [exhales]
- [audience chuckling]

298
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:08,871
Well,

299
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:10,748
it's tender.

300
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:15,961
- It's responsive. You know, it's like...
- [audience laughing]

301
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:18,464
It springs up under certain conditions.

302
00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:21,217
That's why I think it has
the soul of an artist, you know.

303
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:22,718
[audience laughing]

304
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,304
It sees something
that intrigues it and it sort of...

305
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,349
[audience laughing]

306
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,187
It fills with inspiration.

307
00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:36,524
And it is a filling to me.

308
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:40,903
It is a filling to me much more
than it is a... [clicking] ...erection.

309
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:44,406
I think erection's a little architectural
for what's happening there.

310
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:47,493
I don't think anyone should go
in that building, I don't think it's safe.

311
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:48,869
It's not up to code.

312
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,371
[audience laughing]

313
00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:53,749
And unlike a building,
it doesn't... it doesn't topple, it withers.

314
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,167
It dies on the vine.

315
00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:57,044
[audience laughing]

316
00:13:57,127 --> 00:14:01,131
The penis... the penis, it blooms
and it withers and it blooms again.

317
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:05,219
This kind of eternal flower stretching
towards that which nurtures it,

318
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:06,887
you know, as if warmed by the sun.

319
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:07,972
I mean, it's moving.

320
00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:09,849
It's a romantic figure,

321
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:11,642
a boldly romantic figure.

322
00:14:11,725 --> 00:14:14,478
I mean, it gathers its strength,
you know, to just stretch away

323
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:15,729
from the rest of the body.

324
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,898
Just goes for it in this plea, you know.

325
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:18,816
It just...

326
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,903
[audience laughing]

327
00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:27,366
[audience continues laughing]

328
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:39,086
"Love me."

329
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:40,838
[audience laughing]

330
00:14:40,921 --> 00:14:42,089
[audience applauding]

331
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:43,757
"Touch me, please."

332
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:45,759
"Touch me."

333
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,554
"Touching you, touching me."

334
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:52,182
"Quick, I only have a minute."

335
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,226
[audience laughing]

336
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:57,688
Meanwhile, they try to tell you
the vulva is the flower, you know.

337
00:14:57,771 --> 00:15:01,233
The vulva is the rose, the petals
of the rose. You know, the vulva.

338
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,235
I appreciate those comparisons, you know.

339
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:06,780
They're trying to say that the vulva
is beautiful, and I agree, you know.

340
00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:08,824
But if someone gave me a bouquet of roses

341
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,659
and one of them looked like my vulva,

342
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:11,827
[audience laughing]

343
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,246
I'd say, "I think someone stepped
on one of the roses."

344
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,664
[audience laughing]

345
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,791
It slipped from the bouquet,
someone stepped on it.

346
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:21,003
Then they tried to get rid of the evidence
by kicking it into a crack in the wall.

347
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:24,506
And it just won't fully disappear
inside there, will it? No.

348
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:26,967
And why are the petals so thick?

349
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,094
[audience laughing]

350
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:31,889
No, the vulva... the vulva is beautiful,

351
00:15:31,972 --> 00:15:35,851
but it requires the kind of tilted gaze
of a more poetic eye.

352
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,145
Shall I step in?
I mean, I'll give it a shot.

353
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:42,274
To me, the vulva...
my vulva, perhaps, my vulva

354
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:45,986
is beautiful in the way
that a tattered flag is beautiful.

355
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,029
[audience laughing]

356
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:52,743
Its frayed edges telling a tale
of how ideals met actualities.

357
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:54,536
[audience laughing]

358
00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:59,375
To me, a vulva may be beautiful
in the way a burger is beautiful.

359
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:03,337
A burger with all its particular fixings,
you know,

360
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:06,298
wrapped up in crinkly,
greasy, foiled paper,

361
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:09,802
and then they cut... I love
when they wrap it up and <i>then</i> they cut it.

362
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:11,804
- [audience laughing]
- And then they go... [swishes]

363
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:14,890
Then you see the layers, these different
textures and they're pressed together.

364
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,642
And yeah, there's a threat of a spill.

365
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,936
Yeah, there's a risk
of a sudden disassembly.

366
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:20,854
But it holds. It holds.

367
00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:24,900
The vulva is the burger that holds.

368
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,819
[audience laughing and applauding]

369
00:16:26,902 --> 00:16:28,862
The penis is the flower. The penis is...

370
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:32,950
I think the penis is a feminine icon,
if I may be so bold.

371
00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:34,576
[audience laughing]

372
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:36,662
At very least,
it's the most feminine thing

373
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:37,746
on my boyfriend's body.

374
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,957
Like, if my boyfriend got out
of the shower and said,

375
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,710
"Quick, find the little woman
on this man."

376
00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:44,503
[audience laughing]

377
00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:47,798
It'd be an odd game,
but I'd instantly have an answer.

378
00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:49,925
- It's not the shoulder.
- [audience laughing]

379
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,177
I'd go, "I see her. I see her.
She's right there. Susan."

380
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:54,346
The name Susan would come to me instantly.

381
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:58,434
His penis is a Susan, but looking back...
looking back, they were all Susans to me.

382
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:01,854
They were Susans, they were Geraldines,
they were Vanessas.

383
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:04,648
Now, am I saying
the penis is a little woman?

384
00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:07,526
Well, if you're a certain kind of guy
who really doesn't like that idea,

385
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:09,570
then yeah, that's exactly
what the fuck I'm saying.

386
00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:10,487
[audience laughing]

387
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:14,158
But no, it's more like... it's more like
the rude stereotypes of women.

388
00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,535
Those were good descriptions
of the penis the whole time.

389
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:19,913
Describe women unfairly, you're probably
describing the penis perfectly, you know.

390
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:23,042
"Oh, they're so sensitive.
They're always reacting to things."

391
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:26,045
"They're needy, they nag you,
they poke you in the night."

392
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:27,421
"Hello. Are you awake?"

393
00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:29,715
"I'm awake. I guess we're both awake now."

394
00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:30,674
[audience laughing]

395
00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:33,927
The penis is the sensitive.
The penis is the nag.

396
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:35,721
The penis is the drama queen.

397
00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,181
I mean, the ultimate drama queen.

398
00:17:37,264 --> 00:17:39,558
Just one minute, life of the party,

399
00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:44,021
and then the very next just flopped over
and sulking on the fainting couch...

400
00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:45,064
[audience laughing]

401
00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:48,192
...that is the inner thigh,
just waiting for someone to notice

402
00:17:48,275 --> 00:17:49,526
that frankly she's upset.

403
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,612
[audience laughing]

404
00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:54,782
Can't be mad at her, she didn't make
a scene, she just stepped aside.

405
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:57,701
Just left the...
I'm not making a face. This is my face.

406
00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:58,827
[audience laughing]

407
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,580
- This is the face you married.
- [audience laughing]

408
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:06,001
The penis orgasm
has kind of a hysterical quality to it...

409
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:06,960
[audience laughing]

410
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:07,961
...in the old sense.

411
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:10,672
A proper turn-of-the-century
Vienna Freud's couch.

412
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,466
A proper neurotic hysteric.

413
00:18:12,549 --> 00:18:15,010
The orgasm, a kind of sudden revelation,

414
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:18,305
a hideous blurt, as a...
"I killed father," you know.

415
00:18:18,388 --> 00:18:20,015
[audience laughing]

416
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:23,435
A little... a little bit of Abigail
in the courthouse in <i>The Crucible</i>.

417
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:26,230
And I saw Goody Osburn with the Devil!

418
00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:28,857
And now everyone...
everyone's gotta deal with it.

419
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,193
A hint... a hint of my mother
at a family gathering.

420
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:33,779
Something comes to mind she thinks to say,
realizes she shouldn't.

421
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:35,239
And then there's a pushing it down,

422
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:37,533
but the only relief for her
is for her to just get it out.

423
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:40,035
I see her coming my way, just... [muttering]

424
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,746
"Are you sad you don't have kids?"
And it's on me.

425
00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:44,123
[audience laughing]

426
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:46,208
And she feels better, and fair enough.
Fair enough.

427
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:48,836
I get her a journal every year
for Christmas, but I'm the journal.

428
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:50,462
I'm the journal, and that's okay.

429
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:51,672
[audience laughing]

430
00:18:51,755 --> 00:18:52,589
That's okay.

431
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:57,261
But no, I feel like my orgasm... my orgasm
doesn't put it on you in that same way.

432
00:18:57,344 --> 00:19:00,639
I feel like my orgasm
has more of a selfless, heroic,

433
00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:02,850
frankly militaristic quality to it.

434
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:03,976
[audience laughing]

435
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,603
I feel like my orgasm's like,
"You guys, run, run!"

436
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:10,399
Like, "I'll throw myself on the grenade
and absorb the shock with my body."

437
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:13,318
[audience laughing]

438
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:16,655
And then at its most, you know,
explosive moments of pleasure,

439
00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:19,867
the vaginal vulva complex,
it doesn't explode.

440
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,493
You know, it holds.

441
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,287
[audience laughing]

442
00:19:23,370 --> 00:19:27,624
It holds. It embodies
the masculine, Stoic, ideal.

443
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:28,876
It just pulses.

444
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:33,088
Doing isometric work,
contained and strong.

445
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,883
A Viking against a tree
after the battle is over.

446
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:39,636
Just pulsing to the rhythm
of the battle drums fading away.

447
00:19:40,637 --> 00:19:44,349
No, the penis... the penis is clearly
the more physically vulnerable

448
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:46,685
of the crotchal items we come across.

449
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:50,814
That's why I've never understood why
it doesn't fully retract into the body...

450
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:51,857
[audience laughing]

451
00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:53,817
...after it's done doing
any of the things it does.

452
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:56,612
I always feel like,
"Wait. Why can I still see you?"

453
00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:58,947
"You're weak. You need to go home."

454
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,409
"It's not safe for you out here
in that form. You need to retreat."

455
00:20:02,492 --> 00:20:04,828
"Please retreat. Retreat. Retreat."

456
00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:08,081
Sometimes I like to think of it
as a puppet at a puppet show.

457
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:11,043
It comes out and does its bit,
but after this puppet's bit is over

458
00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:13,212
it doesn't disappear
behind the puppet theater.

459
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,464
This puppet just dies
over the front of the stage

460
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,634
and hangs there lifeless
and scaring the children

461
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,969
while the show continues,
and you're going,

462
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,598
"I feel like we're not supposed to be able
to see that character anymore."

463
00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:27,851
And you're just hoping
someone will just reel it back in

464
00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:31,271
or the other puppets will incorporate
its death into the narrative.

465
00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:33,357
[audience laughing]

466
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,693
The penis's vulnerability is something
I've been aware of for some time.

467
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:40,155
Really since, I don't know, age 11
when I started reading these magazines

468
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:43,367
with these articles, headlines
on the cover, "How to please your man."

469
00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:45,994
They broke the story every month
and I'd flip to the article to see

470
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,496
if there was anything new.

471
00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:50,499
And it always kind of came down
to a list of instructions

472
00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:53,043
about how not to injure the tender penis.

473
00:20:53,126 --> 00:20:54,169
You know?

474
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:57,297
I remember specifically they said,
"Careful near the tip."

475
00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:59,174
"It's extremely sensitive."

476
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:03,971
"You... you can't imagine a part of the body
as sensitive as the tip of a penis."

477
00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:05,764
It's like, "Oh God."

478
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:07,933
It must be very sensitive then,

479
00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:12,437
and that's the first thing I'm gonna run
into on the penis, like in my approach.

480
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:16,149
I have to land gingerly
'cause that's the most sensitive part?

481
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,403
Shouldn't you bury that treasure
somewhere deeper in the castle?

482
00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:20,737
[audience laughing]

483
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:23,532
I go, "All right. Once I'm past
the gauntlet of the sensitive tip,

484
00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:24,825
surely now I can relax."

485
00:21:24,908 --> 00:21:26,285
"I mean, I'm on the shaft, right?"

486
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:28,912
The shaft sounds strong,
but no, they had a warning there.

487
00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:32,708
They said the underside of the shaft,
the skin is thin and delicate.

488
00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:36,211
Shall I dab eye cream on it
with my weakest finger?

489
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:37,254
[audience laughing]

490
00:21:37,337 --> 00:21:39,423
Dab and tap. We'll need dab and tap.

491
00:21:39,506 --> 00:21:42,551
And then the balls, the storied balls.

492
00:21:43,176 --> 00:21:44,928
Endless mythology of the balls,

493
00:21:45,012 --> 00:21:47,556
the way things can go wrong for them
and it'll be your fault.

494
00:21:47,639 --> 00:21:49,683
The blue balls legend, of course.

495
00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:51,351
Cross-culturally it can vary,

496
00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:53,186
but the essence
is always the same, you know.

497
00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:56,398
If you're the cause...
if you're the cause of an erection, well...

498
00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:59,192
well, you better answer
for that erection you caused.

499
00:21:59,276 --> 00:22:02,237
'Cause clock's ticking
and pretty soon those balls down there,

500
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:05,615
well, they could turn blue and I'm just...
it's never clear what happens after that.

501
00:22:05,699 --> 00:22:06,867
[audience laughing]

502
00:22:06,950 --> 00:22:09,619
All that's clear is that now
you're the witch. You're the witch.

503
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:10,829
[audience laughing]

504
00:22:10,912 --> 00:22:13,040
You're the witch
that turns little balls blue.

505
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:17,127
It's just never been... it's never been
a sexually-inspiring threat to me.

506
00:22:17,210 --> 00:22:18,211
The blue balls threat.

507
00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:20,672
You know that kinda,
"Oh, somebody might want to do

508
00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:23,300
something soon like jerk me off
or something, 'cause otherwise

509
00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:25,802
it's really gonna hurt down there. Ooh."

510
00:22:26,303 --> 00:22:29,848
It just turns you into this baby
and me into your mama sexually

511
00:22:29,931 --> 00:22:32,309
where I have to look out
for your potential medical emergency

512
00:22:32,392 --> 00:22:34,561
'cause you know, it takes a village.

513
00:22:35,062 --> 00:22:37,064
[audience laughing]

514
00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:40,901
No, I... I think it's the helplessness
of blue balls that repulses me.

515
00:22:40,984 --> 00:22:44,488
That kinda... you know...
the refusal to relieve oneself.

516
00:22:44,571 --> 00:22:47,032
If I have a very full bladder,
I don't stand around complaining,

517
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:48,992
"Why isn't anyone bonking me
on the lower abdomen

518
00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:50,702
to get the urine out." Right?

519
00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:52,788
I would excuse myself to relieve myself.

520
00:22:52,871 --> 00:22:55,957
But blue balls has this kind of...
kind of... kind of...

521
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,125
"No!" Right?

522
00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:58,502
"I don't do it. No."

523
00:22:59,002 --> 00:23:01,380
"No!" This kind of overtired...

524
00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:03,423
"No, I don't do it... No, only Mama."

525
00:23:03,507 --> 00:23:04,925
[audience laughing]

526
00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:07,177
"Only Mama burp my dick."

527
00:23:07,677 --> 00:23:09,971
- [audience laughing]
- It's a burping of the dick.

528
00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:10,889
[chuckles]

529
00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:13,850
If blue balls are real,
then to relieve them is to burp them.

530
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:15,435
And look, I occasionally overreach

531
00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:17,604
with my metaphors,
you know, for the love of the game.

532
00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:20,774
- [audience laughing]
- Not that one, that one's perfect.

533
00:23:20,857 --> 00:23:22,275
[audience laughing]

534
00:23:23,276 --> 00:23:25,445
The teeth-shaming started young.
The messages of

535
00:23:25,529 --> 00:23:29,074
"Oh, if you have your full set of teeth,
don't you go in a room where a penis is."

536
00:23:29,157 --> 00:23:31,785
- "It's not safe for that penis."
- [audience laughing]

537
00:23:31,868 --> 00:23:33,745
"Why would you put that penis at risk,

538
00:23:33,829 --> 00:23:35,163
you toothy monster?"

539
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:36,748
What's the idea, what's the plan?

540
00:23:36,832 --> 00:23:39,626
Are you gonna try to give someone
a toothy blow job?

541
00:23:39,709 --> 00:23:41,169
Is that the idea?

542
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:44,506
The Toothy Blow Job,
another tale from Grimms', I guess.

543
00:23:44,589 --> 00:23:45,590
[audience laughing]

544
00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:48,802
And somehow kind of a big concept
at my high school.

545
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:52,264
The first time I understood this
in a practical way

546
00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:55,475
that my teeth were
a potential danger to the penis, I was 12.

547
00:23:55,559 --> 00:23:57,394
I was at my best friend's house
after school.

548
00:23:57,477 --> 00:24:00,981
So it was me, it was my best friend,
you know, 12,

549
00:24:01,064 --> 00:24:04,609
her older sister, 16,
and the older sister's best friend, 16.

550
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:08,029
So the relationship there,
you know, is... is over, up, and over

551
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:10,198
and I always feel like Over, Up, and Over

552
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:12,409
is someone you can get
real information from.

553
00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:13,326
[audience chuckling]

554
00:24:13,410 --> 00:24:16,121
I know everything Over knows.
Everything Over knows came from Up.

555
00:24:16,204 --> 00:24:18,915
Over, Up, and Over? That's a diagonal...
that's a diagonal wisdom.

556
00:24:18,999 --> 00:24:21,960
You go, "Thank God I'm here on this day.
It didn't have to go this way."

557
00:24:22,043 --> 00:24:24,421
But I feel like she knew
her role was to teach

558
00:24:24,504 --> 00:24:26,339
'cause she said to us,
kinda out of nowhere,

559
00:24:26,423 --> 00:24:30,010
"All right, so I guess I'll show you girls
now how to give a blow job because well,

560
00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:32,596
you'll need to know eventually
and 'cause I'm the blow job queen."

561
00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:33,847
She just said it.

562
00:24:33,930 --> 00:24:35,348
[audience laughing]

563
00:24:35,432 --> 00:24:39,603
And she took a cucumber out of the fridge
and she wrapped it in cellophane

564
00:24:39,686 --> 00:24:42,022
out of respect for dinner,
which I appreciated...

565
00:24:42,105 --> 00:24:43,398
[audience laughing]

566
00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:46,151
...and she began
to demonstrate on the cucumber.

567
00:24:46,234 --> 00:24:48,987
I don't know who can learn
from a demonstration in this life,

568
00:24:49,070 --> 00:24:51,406
I mean, any context, you know,
they just do nothing for me.

569
00:24:51,490 --> 00:24:56,077
Watching the art teacher paint. It's just,
"Indeed, I... I see why you're the teacher."

570
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:57,579
[audience laughing]

571
00:24:57,662 --> 00:24:58,872
"You're very good."

572
00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:03,919
"Shall we proceed to our canvases now
so the humiliations can begin."

573
00:25:04,002 --> 00:25:04,961
You know?

574
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:08,507
She's demonstrating on the cucumber
and I'm more stuck on what she said.

575
00:25:08,590 --> 00:25:11,301
The "blow job queen" thing.
Maybe even more the way she said it,

576
00:25:11,384 --> 00:25:12,802
'cause she just said it, you know,

577
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:14,513
she just let the words ring
out in the air.

578
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:16,473
She didn't make a face to let us know

579
00:25:16,556 --> 00:25:18,892
that she knew that she was being
a little funny or grandiose.

580
00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:22,395
No, she just said it and she launched
into her demonstration with authority

581
00:25:22,479 --> 00:25:25,357
and I had questions,
none of which I asked, to be clear.

582
00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:28,235
No, no, I mean the first one being,
"According to whom?"

583
00:25:28,318 --> 00:25:30,779
But I'm not going to ask that, okay.
I'm not going to ask that.

584
00:25:30,862 --> 00:25:34,241
I mean, to be clear, I didn't even blink
when she said blow job queen

585
00:25:34,324 --> 00:25:36,117
'cause I think that's
one of the few courtesies

586
00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:38,119
we can offer nice people in this life.

587
00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:40,705
If they go for it and do the impossible?

588
00:25:41,623 --> 00:25:44,000
Say something about themselves
with confidence?

589
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:47,087
- Jesus, let them have it. I mean, just...
- [audience laughing]

590
00:25:47,170 --> 00:25:50,090
And don't act like you're letting them
have it but like, also reveal

591
00:25:50,173 --> 00:25:52,676
that you're not letting them have it...
Sort of blinking up a storm.

592
00:25:52,759 --> 00:25:55,053
No, hold their gaze and let them have it.

593
00:25:55,136 --> 00:25:56,221
[audience laughing]

594
00:25:56,304 --> 00:25:58,348
It's a nearly impossible act, you know?

595
00:25:58,431 --> 00:26:00,392
I'll occasionally say my own name
and then just go,

596
00:26:00,475 --> 00:26:02,143
"Did I get that right?" You know?

597
00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:03,228
[audience laughing]

598
00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:07,816
The confidence... the confidence required
to say something like that.

599
00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:10,610
I mean, wow, you know. It felt like
it was a proper self-appointment.

600
00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:13,280
And that impressed me
and that bewildered me.

601
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:16,783
I mean, I've always attempted in this life
to err towards what feels to me

602
00:26:16,866 --> 00:26:18,535
like a sort of prudent self-doubt

603
00:26:18,618 --> 00:26:22,414
in favor of the potentially foolish
self-confidence, you know.

604
00:26:22,497 --> 00:26:25,834
Self-confidence is a good idea, you know.
Yeah, but there's a risk there.

605
00:26:25,917 --> 00:26:27,544
- There's a risk there.
- [audience laughing]

606
00:26:27,627 --> 00:26:29,170
I fear that if I'm confident,

607
00:26:29,254 --> 00:26:32,007
I may turn into
what I think of as The Two Fools.

608
00:26:32,507 --> 00:26:35,719
[exhales] Okay, so if I like myself,
might feel good.

609
00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:37,429
But what if I'm wrong about myself?

610
00:26:37,512 --> 00:26:39,014
[chuckling] What are me and myself?

611
00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:41,516
We're just these two fools
just congratulating each other.

612
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,101
"Oh. Best in the biz."

613
00:26:43,184 --> 00:26:44,936
"No one quite like us. We're fantastic."

614
00:26:45,729 --> 00:26:48,607
To me, it feels safe, you know,
if I stand in the bathroom mirror,

615
00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:51,484
to look at that person in the mirror
and insult the person in the mirror.

616
00:26:51,568 --> 00:26:53,737
Say, "You're a fool."
That way, even if they are a fool,

617
00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:56,865
at least me, on this side of the mirror,
I'm someone who can spot a fool.

618
00:26:56,948 --> 00:26:58,033
[audience laughing]

619
00:26:58,116 --> 00:27:00,493
And then I... I am not,
in myself, two fools.

620
00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:02,579
I'm a fool and someone who's well aware.
You know?

621
00:27:02,662 --> 00:27:03,496
[audience laughing]

622
00:27:03,580 --> 00:27:05,540
I'm a fool
and someone apologizing for them.

623
00:27:05,624 --> 00:27:08,543
And then... and then my duo has 50% dignity.

624
00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:09,919
Do you see? I get a guaran...

625
00:27:10,003 --> 00:27:14,090
If you split in two and hate yourself,
you get a guarantee of 50% dignity,

626
00:27:14,174 --> 00:27:16,509
versus taking the gamble
of zero versus 100.

627
00:27:16,593 --> 00:27:18,428
Do you see... do you see... do you see

628
00:27:18,511 --> 00:27:21,556
how... how the math
of self-hatred is unimpeachable?

629
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,725
[audience laughing and applauding]

630
00:27:23,808 --> 00:27:26,978
But the seemingly
self-appointed blow job queen,

631
00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:29,606
- I'll take it. [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

632
00:27:29,689 --> 00:27:31,358
The seemingly
self-appointed blow job queen

633
00:27:31,441 --> 00:27:34,736
said a couple things in her lesson that
really stuck with me through the years.

634
00:27:34,819 --> 00:27:36,780
The first was just an offhand comment.

635
00:27:36,863 --> 00:27:40,116
She goes like this. "Oh, and you can play
with the balls if you want,"

636
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,702
and... and then never mention them again."

637
00:27:42,786 --> 00:27:44,329
[audience laughing]

638
00:27:44,412 --> 00:27:45,246
"If you want."

639
00:27:46,039 --> 00:27:49,751
"You can play with the balls if you want."
I mean, I'm... I'm still thinking about it.

640
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:51,127
[audience laughing]

641
00:27:51,211 --> 00:27:54,130
Like you're gonna be there, you're gonna
be dying to play with those balls,

642
00:27:54,214 --> 00:27:57,092
but you won't know if you're allowed,
and she wanted to let us know

643
00:27:57,175 --> 00:27:59,302
that like the toys
in the pediatrician's office...

644
00:27:59,386 --> 00:28:01,638
No, please,
those are literally there for you.

645
00:28:01,721 --> 00:28:02,681
[audience laughing]

646
00:28:02,764 --> 00:28:05,392
I mean, if she'd said tickle the balls,
if she said tickle the balls,

647
00:28:05,475 --> 00:28:07,394
I'd know what to do.
That's a specific action,

648
00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:10,563
but to play with something...
to play with something?

649
00:28:10,647 --> 00:28:13,358
I mean, that's an intuitive,
absent-minded sort of act.

650
00:28:13,441 --> 00:28:16,986
I mean, how does one bring
an authentic spirit of play...

651
00:28:17,070 --> 00:28:18,071
[audience laughing]

652
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:19,614
...to the balls?

653
00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:23,993
'Cause if there was a hint
of cliché to my ball play,

654
00:28:24,077 --> 00:28:26,538
I could not live, do you understand?

655
00:28:26,621 --> 00:28:28,081
No! A whiff of contrivance.

656
00:28:28,164 --> 00:28:31,543
No, it is authentic
or not at all for me in this life.

657
00:28:31,626 --> 00:28:34,003
That is a principal
I've stood by since infancy.

658
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:38,174
Really, really, I was one of the most
authentic infants on that ward.

659
00:28:38,258 --> 00:28:41,261
- [audience laughing]
- It was facade-ville in there, honestly.

660
00:28:41,344 --> 00:28:43,430
All these babies.
"Oh, look at me, I'm a baby."

661
00:28:43,513 --> 00:28:45,056
Not me. I was just living.

662
00:28:45,140 --> 00:28:47,142
[audience laughing]

663
00:28:47,225 --> 00:28:50,812
Authentic or not at all, the principle
I've stood by for better or worse.

664
00:28:50,895 --> 00:28:52,814
[chuckling] I could give you
endless examples...

665
00:28:52,897 --> 00:28:55,275
I could give you endless examples
of me choosing authenticity

666
00:28:55,358 --> 00:28:56,609
when I feel others did not.

667
00:28:56,693 --> 00:29:00,280
I'll give you one example from childhood,
perhaps you'll see yourself reflected.

668
00:29:00,363 --> 00:29:03,491
So they used to make us play this game.
They used to make us play this game in gym

669
00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:05,702
where you have to dance
and the teacher says "freeze."

670
00:29:05,785 --> 00:29:08,788
You gotta freeze in the position you're in
and if you can't, you're out.

671
00:29:08,872 --> 00:29:12,000
So here's how I would approach that game
with what I believe is authenticity.

672
00:29:12,083 --> 00:29:15,086
Would you mind saying freeze for me
just after a couple seconds of my dancing?

673
00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:17,922
Okay, thank you. All right.
Just you, please. Thank you, thank you.

674
00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:19,799
All right, this is me playing
that game in gym.

675
00:29:20,633 --> 00:29:21,468
[man] Freeze!

676
00:29:23,470 --> 00:29:24,971
That was an authentic freeze.

677
00:29:25,054 --> 00:29:26,097
[audience laughing]

678
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:29,768
You saw. You saw me do my best
to freeze in the position I was in.

679
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:33,438
Sometimes... I know
it wasn't particularly exciting, okay?

680
00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:34,689
[audience laughing]

681
00:29:34,773 --> 00:29:36,941
Sometimes I'd see another kid
approach it more like this.

682
00:29:37,025 --> 00:29:38,985
Could you do it again for me?
All right, thank you.

683
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:41,738
[man] Freeze.

684
00:29:41,821 --> 00:29:42,822
[audience laughing]

685
00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:49,621
Kids like that disgust me.

686
00:29:49,704 --> 00:29:52,165
[audience laughing and applauding]

687
00:29:52,248 --> 00:29:55,335
It's deeply inauthentic.
It's deeply inauthentic.

688
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:57,462
No, that's not a freeze.
That's not a freeze.

689
00:29:57,545 --> 00:29:59,589
You didn't freeze
in the position you were in.

690
00:29:59,672 --> 00:30:01,466
No, you did not. No, you did not.

691
00:30:01,549 --> 00:30:05,178
And first of all, where were those moves
during the dancing part?

692
00:30:05,261 --> 00:30:06,262
Nowhere.

693
00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:10,391
No, only now that we're all commonly,
boringly, and authentically paused,

694
00:30:10,475 --> 00:30:11,684
now you're the big man.

695
00:30:11,768 --> 00:30:12,811
I don't like it.

696
00:30:12,894 --> 00:30:15,396
I don't like it one bit.
I'll bear witness to the end of my days.

697
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:17,065
I'll tell anyone who'll listen.

698
00:30:17,732 --> 00:30:20,568
But I tell you this so you know.
I tell you this so you understand

699
00:30:20,652 --> 00:30:24,864
that I hold myself to this same,
cruel standard of authenticity.

700
00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:26,366
So I find myself asking,

701
00:30:26,449 --> 00:30:30,995
"How would I... how would I
play with balls authentically?"

702
00:30:31,079 --> 00:30:32,455
[audience laughing]

703
00:30:32,539 --> 00:30:36,459
Well, I know what I would do
if I had two clementines in a plastic bag,

704
00:30:36,543 --> 00:30:38,670
and I was waiting
at a bus stop or something.

705
00:30:39,629 --> 00:30:42,131
[audience laughing]

706
00:30:42,215 --> 00:30:43,341
It'd be a bit of this.

707
00:30:43,842 --> 00:30:46,052
Yeah, I wouldn't even have
to think about it.

708
00:30:46,135 --> 00:30:48,054
It'd be totally unself-conscious play.

709
00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:50,223
I think it'd be going clockwise.

710
00:30:50,306 --> 00:30:52,767
Not because I planned it,
that's just sort of what I'd be doing.

711
00:30:52,851 --> 00:30:55,770
And I get to a point where I feel
the potential energy build, and I go,

712
00:30:55,854 --> 00:30:58,523
"Do you think we could get
one more revolution in and I do it?"

713
00:30:58,606 --> 00:31:00,358
Oh, yeah, yeah.

714
00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:01,860
I know it's time. I know it's time.

715
00:31:01,943 --> 00:31:04,863
And I let it spin back the other way,
like, this is what we worked for.

716
00:31:04,946 --> 00:31:06,197
- [audience laughing]
- [sighs]

717
00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:10,910
Sensational! The spirit soars
into the counterclockwise galaxy.

718
00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:13,121
But I'm not gonna do that
with the balls, no.

719
00:31:13,204 --> 00:31:15,707
I... I wouldn't even spin them
a single degree.

720
00:31:15,790 --> 00:31:18,668
'Cause I think you'd know sorta
what I was hoping to do. But I...

721
00:31:19,168 --> 00:31:21,379
I don't believe the impulse
is entirely my fault.

722
00:31:21,462 --> 00:31:24,674
I do believe that the anatomy
of the balls itself is kind of daring us.

723
00:31:24,757 --> 00:31:28,136
Like, I do believe that the neck
of the bag of the balls,

724
00:31:28,219 --> 00:31:29,512
it's just long enough

725
00:31:29,596 --> 00:31:32,807
where its existence
is sort of inherently posing the question

726
00:31:32,891 --> 00:31:34,517
of could it all spin past 12.

727
00:31:34,601 --> 00:31:36,352
[audience laughing]

728
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:39,856
So satisfying if it took even once
and came right back.

729
00:31:39,939 --> 00:31:41,566
No, I have no play.

730
00:31:41,649 --> 00:31:43,484
I have no play for the balls.

731
00:31:43,568 --> 00:31:46,988
I've overthought it, some would say.
I don't believe in that idea.

732
00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:50,533
But I don't want to look like
I'm afraid to touch the balls.

733
00:31:50,617 --> 00:31:52,994
Would you...
would you like to know what I've done

734
00:31:53,077 --> 00:31:55,246
when it comes to the balls historically
and presently?

735
00:31:55,330 --> 00:31:56,581
It's not... it's not great.

736
00:31:58,291 --> 00:31:59,959
[groaning lightly]

737
00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:01,502
I lift them an inch.

738
00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:03,379
[audience laughing]

739
00:32:03,463 --> 00:32:05,757
It's a minor elevation, uh,

740
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:09,385
it's not particularly sexy, but you can't
be mad at me, I mean, I'm helping out.

741
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:11,846
I'm help... I'm helping relieve the bag

742
00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:15,850
of the burden of gravity
for a couple seconds in this life.

743
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:18,561
And if that's not worth something,
I... I... I don't know what is.

744
00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:19,854
But it feels feeble.

745
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:23,024
I feel like the intern
trying to add value, you know?

746
00:32:23,107 --> 00:32:24,484
[audience laughing]

747
00:32:24,567 --> 00:32:28,279
Without waiting to be asked
to do something, that horrible sensation.

748
00:32:28,363 --> 00:32:30,198
You want to help,
there literally is no way.

749
00:32:30,281 --> 00:32:32,158
It's the same weird sensation I get

750
00:32:32,241 --> 00:32:35,286
if I try to help a group of people
move something heavy, you know,

751
00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:36,871
like a picnic table.

752
00:32:36,955 --> 00:32:38,331
I get there just a moment too late.

753
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:41,334
The weight has already been distributed
among the other carriers

754
00:32:41,417 --> 00:32:43,336
so you're just sort of running along.

755
00:32:43,419 --> 00:32:45,463
You don't have the weight.
There's no way to take it.

756
00:32:45,546 --> 00:32:48,591
Worst part, little jokes on the way.
"I think I'm getting off easy today."

757
00:32:48,675 --> 00:32:51,219
"Pretty sure you guys
are doing all the work." [laughs]

758
00:32:51,302 --> 00:32:53,346
No, no. I will not partake. No.

759
00:32:53,429 --> 00:32:56,474
If that happens to me, if I find myself
in that scenario, no, I back away.

760
00:32:56,557 --> 00:32:59,560
I say, "And I thank you for what you do,
but I will not live this lie."

761
00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:00,895
[audience laughing]

762
00:33:01,479 --> 00:33:02,897
It's the same with the balls for me.

763
00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:05,775
I become humiliated
by the feebleness of this gesture

764
00:33:05,858 --> 00:33:07,276
and I gently lower,

765
00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:10,780
and I put my hand away, and that's
where I've been for some time now.

766
00:33:10,863 --> 00:33:12,115
[audience laughing]

767
00:33:12,198 --> 00:33:14,742
The second thing the blow job queen said,

768
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:18,079
arguably this had to be
her global philosophy

769
00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:20,081
'cause it's kind of how
she wrapped up the lesson,

770
00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:23,876
she goes, "Look, I just want you to know
that at the end of the day

771
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,545
when it comes to the blow job,

772
00:33:25,628 --> 00:33:27,171
you really can't go wrong..."

773
00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:28,214
[audience laughing]

774
00:33:28,297 --> 00:33:31,300
"...'Cause the person?
They're just happy to be there."

775
00:33:31,801 --> 00:33:32,802
[audience laughing]

776
00:33:32,885 --> 00:33:34,137
Isn't that beautiful?

777
00:33:34,762 --> 00:33:36,264
I loved that.

778
00:33:36,347 --> 00:33:39,434
That made sense to me. To me she's saying,
"It's not technique that matters."

779
00:33:39,517 --> 00:33:42,520
"It's the spirit of the thing."
That put me at ease.

780
00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:45,898
Then she goes, "Well,
as long as you don't bite his dick off."

781
00:33:45,982 --> 00:33:48,985
[laughing sarcastically]

782
00:33:49,068 --> 00:33:51,279
And I was like, "Um."

783
00:33:51,362 --> 00:33:52,739
[audience laughing]

784
00:33:52,822 --> 00:33:55,992
"Before we move on to another subject,
is that real?"

785
00:33:56,075 --> 00:33:57,618
"Could I bite a dick off?"

786
00:33:57,702 --> 00:34:00,288
And she was like,
"You would never bite a dick off."

787
00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:03,583
And I was like, "No,
I said <i>could</i> I, <i>could</i> I, bite a dick off?"

788
00:34:03,666 --> 00:34:07,962
Like, if that was my goal,
do I have the simple machinery necessary?

789
00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:12,800
'Cause if I "could" bite a dick off then
"would" is just one letter away. I mean...

790
00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:14,343
[audience laughing]

791
00:34:14,427 --> 00:34:16,929
It's right there,
especially if I'm worried about it.

792
00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:17,972
If I'm worried about it,

793
00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:20,767
then it's "Don't bite his dick off.
Don't bite his dick off."

794
00:34:20,850 --> 00:34:23,603
"What's the thing we don't wanna do?
Bite his dick off. One more time!"

795
00:34:23,686 --> 00:34:25,396
"Bite this dick off. Bite this dick off."

796
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:28,191
[chomps] It'd be right on the beat.
That's how I'd bite a dick off.

797
00:34:28,274 --> 00:34:30,777
No, I wanna know if I have what it takes.

798
00:34:30,860 --> 00:34:34,530
If you found my skull,
my jaw, my teeth, the whole thing,

799
00:34:34,614 --> 00:34:36,991
if you found it
in a field 200 years from now,

800
00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:40,203
you know,
could you use that in a pinch as a weapon...

801
00:34:40,286 --> 00:34:41,496
[audience laughing]

802
00:34:41,579 --> 00:34:42,789
...specifically

803
00:34:43,664 --> 00:34:44,832
to bite dicks off?

804
00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:48,044
The question... the question was,
can these bones...

805
00:34:48,878 --> 00:34:51,089
can these bones chomp through

806
00:34:52,173 --> 00:34:53,382
the penis's bone?

807
00:34:53,466 --> 00:34:55,218
[audience chuckling]

808
00:34:55,301 --> 00:34:57,053
[exhales] And she said something like,

809
00:34:57,136 --> 00:34:58,763
"You know there's no bone
in there, right?"

810
00:34:58,846 --> 00:35:00,473
And I believe that I knew.

811
00:35:00,556 --> 00:35:02,058
[audience laughing]

812
00:35:02,141 --> 00:35:03,768
I believe I knew.

813
00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:08,689
But would you blame a girl
for forgetting for a second?

814
00:35:08,773 --> 00:35:09,982
[audience laughing]

815
00:35:10,066 --> 00:35:13,111
Would you blame a girl for forgetting
that there's no bone in the penis

816
00:35:13,194 --> 00:35:16,197
when she was reared on terms like "boner?"

817
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:17,532
[audience laughing]

818
00:35:17,615 --> 00:35:19,784
"Rock-hard boner."

819
00:35:20,409 --> 00:35:23,704
When there is no bone in there,
and what is there at its hardest,

820
00:35:23,788 --> 00:35:24,997
still not rock-hard.

821
00:35:25,081 --> 00:35:27,083
- [audience chuckling]
- [chuckles]

822
00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:29,335
Not rock-hard.

823
00:35:29,418 --> 00:35:30,878
[audience laughing]

824
00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:35,675
No, it's never been... <i>rock</i>-hard.

825
00:35:35,758 --> 00:35:38,886
[audience laughing and applauding]

826
00:35:38,970 --> 00:35:39,887
At its hardest,

827
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:42,056
still not rock-hard.

828
00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:43,891
No. No. No.

829
00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:45,935
Rocks have certain qualities.

830
00:35:46,018 --> 00:35:47,770
[audience laughing]

831
00:35:47,854 --> 00:35:51,190
I'm no great geologist, but you couldn't
have a penis-paper-scissors game.

832
00:35:51,274 --> 00:35:54,735
No one's playing the penis.
It's not a good substitute for a rock.

833
00:35:55,319 --> 00:35:58,781
Can't take scissors, can't take paper.
It'd be a 50-50 game.

834
00:35:58,865 --> 00:36:00,408
Do you see? No one would play.

835
00:36:00,491 --> 00:36:04,620
No. To me, linguistically-speaking,
a rock is something you get hit by.

836
00:36:04,704 --> 00:36:07,874
Like, "Oh God! Oh my God,
I think I was just hit by a rock." Right?

837
00:36:07,957 --> 00:36:10,543
A penis, you were slapped,
no matter how it happens.

838
00:36:10,626 --> 00:36:11,711
[audience laughing]

839
00:36:11,794 --> 00:36:14,297
Falls from the sky,
it's a slappy kind of object.

840
00:36:14,881 --> 00:36:18,259
[unintelligible speech] Right?

841
00:36:18,342 --> 00:36:20,178
A rock is like, "Oh God!" Right?

842
00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:22,388
A penis is sort of...
[unintelligible speech]

843
00:36:22,471 --> 00:36:23,973
[audience laughing]

844
00:36:24,056 --> 00:36:26,392
No, it's like it's a spirit.
It's a spirit.

845
00:36:26,475 --> 00:36:28,269
"Do you feel how hard I am?"

846
00:36:28,352 --> 00:36:31,856
"Do you feel how rock-hard this boner is?"

847
00:36:31,939 --> 00:36:33,316
And I'm like, "No."

848
00:36:33,399 --> 00:36:34,650
[audience laughing]

849
00:36:34,734 --> 00:36:37,403
"No, I don't." [laughing]

850
00:36:37,486 --> 00:36:38,863
"I know what you mean."

851
00:36:38,946 --> 00:36:41,657
"I recognize the change
in your penis you're referring to,

852
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:43,075
and sure, I'm glad."

853
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:48,080
But no, if it's so rock-hard,
then why is my tooth such a risk to it?

854
00:36:48,164 --> 00:36:50,166
[audience laughing]

855
00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:54,503
Shouldn't I be afraid that my tooth,
my little tooth, is gonna get chipped

856
00:36:54,587 --> 00:36:57,757
on your rock-hard fucking boner?

857
00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:00,051
But my dentist isn't
going to believe that story.

858
00:37:00,134 --> 00:37:01,177
[audience laughing]

859
00:37:01,260 --> 00:37:03,512
No. No. It's not rock-hard.

860
00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:06,515
Picture the rockest-hardest boner you can,
indulge me.

861
00:37:06,599 --> 00:37:09,227
Okay, take it into
a nice restaurant in your mind.

862
00:37:09,310 --> 00:37:11,312
Plate it over a pureed celery root.

863
00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:14,273
Pour the jus, side of spinach,
you know, sprig of parsley.

864
00:37:14,357 --> 00:37:17,860
Take a bite, tell me you're not saying,
"Tenderest meat I ever tasted."

865
00:37:18,736 --> 00:37:20,947
Callin' over the chef.
"Chef, it fell right off the bone."

866
00:37:21,030 --> 00:37:23,324
The chef has to remind you,
actually there is no bone there.

867
00:37:23,407 --> 00:37:24,742
It's a boneless cut of meat.

868
00:37:24,825 --> 00:37:27,036
It's hard in the way
a bag of blood is hard.

869
00:37:27,119 --> 00:37:29,205
It's erectile flesh, much like a nipple.

870
00:37:29,288 --> 00:37:32,959
No, it's not... it's not rock-hard.
It's not rock-hard.

871
00:37:33,042 --> 00:37:35,461
I mean, if I had a pebble
in my shoe, you know,

872
00:37:35,544 --> 00:37:38,714
I'd probably stop on the side
of the street and take off my shoe

873
00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:42,009
and shake it out.
If had a tiny, rock-hard boner in my shoe,

874
00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:43,511
I think I'm just going home.

875
00:37:43,594 --> 00:37:45,513
[audience laughing]

876
00:37:45,596 --> 00:37:49,267
No. And by the way,
the Washington Monument isn't phallic.

877
00:37:49,350 --> 00:37:52,979
It's not phallic.
That thing's been standing for 175 years.

878
00:37:53,562 --> 00:37:57,024
Do you know what a rock never does?
Stop being a rock all of a sudden.

879
00:37:57,108 --> 00:37:57,942
[audience laughing]

880
00:37:58,025 --> 00:38:01,237
I wanna be clear. Maybe it seems
I'm being a little literal, you know.

881
00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:02,738
I get it, okay. [chuckling]

882
00:38:02,822 --> 00:38:06,659
Rock-hard boner.
It's descriptive language. It's an image.

883
00:38:06,742 --> 00:38:09,996
It's literary language, maybe not our
finest, but that's technically what it is.

884
00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:13,124
And I like that sort of thing
as much as the next girl. Okay?

885
00:38:13,207 --> 00:38:15,376
It's just that all the language
of the penis

886
00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:17,586
that's supposed to make it seem cock-like,
you know?

887
00:38:17,670 --> 00:38:21,757
Just draws attention back to me
to the penis's very tender nature.

888
00:38:21,841 --> 00:38:25,970
The... the rock-hard boner,
the... the anaconda, the penis as snake.

889
00:38:26,053 --> 00:38:27,680
It's always compared to a snake.

890
00:38:28,180 --> 00:38:29,724
The penis is not a snake.

891
00:38:30,516 --> 00:38:33,436
No. I mean, snakes,
I'm pretty sure they have sharp senses

892
00:38:33,519 --> 00:38:35,771
and at the very least,
they're pretty with it.

893
00:38:35,855 --> 00:38:36,856
[audience laughing]

894
00:38:36,939 --> 00:38:40,026
I mean, I think they strike
with precision, you know.

895
00:38:40,651 --> 00:38:43,738
I've never not guided a penis
anywhere it was headed.

896
00:38:43,821 --> 00:38:45,239
[audience laughing]

897
00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:48,242
And that's not a complaint either.
I prefer a guided entry.

898
00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:50,161
I much prefer a guided entry.

899
00:38:50,244 --> 00:38:53,414
I prefer it to the sort of, "Look ma.
No hands. I'll find my way." You know.

900
00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:55,833
[audience laughing]

901
00:38:55,916 --> 00:38:57,501
"Don't help! Don't help!"

902
00:38:57,585 --> 00:38:59,587
[audience laughing]

903
00:39:02,298 --> 00:39:04,467
"What if I try
the same spot and angle again

904
00:39:04,550 --> 00:39:06,385
but now with more force?"

905
00:39:06,886 --> 00:39:09,305
"You did it. You did it." [laughs]

906
00:39:09,388 --> 00:39:11,724
"You managed to elbow
your way in at some weird angle."

907
00:39:11,807 --> 00:39:14,268
"You dragged half of me
inside of me with me."

908
00:39:15,061 --> 00:39:16,896
'Cause it's like taking the arm
out of a coat

909
00:39:16,979 --> 00:39:18,814
and the sleeve got pulled along too.

910
00:39:18,898 --> 00:39:20,149
[audience laughing]

911
00:39:20,232 --> 00:39:22,485
Now I have to spend a minute
working that out,

912
00:39:22,568 --> 00:39:26,197
getting things back on track while acting
like I'm not getting things on track.

913
00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:28,616
[chuckling] Trying to line up
the silky interiors,

914
00:39:28,699 --> 00:39:30,409
not the woolen exteriors.

915
00:39:31,452 --> 00:39:36,540
I think the word penetrate's a bit much
for what happens between a penis and me.

916
00:39:36,624 --> 00:39:39,919
Every time you penetrate, you penetrate,
you penetrate enemy territory.

917
00:39:40,002 --> 00:39:41,379
No, you're a guest in my home.

918
00:39:41,462 --> 00:39:44,173
I invited you in,
and I made it quite pleasant for you.

919
00:39:44,256 --> 00:39:45,674
[audience laughing]

920
00:39:45,758 --> 00:39:48,761
No, you know if you look up "penetrate"
in the dictionary,

921
00:39:48,844 --> 00:39:51,597
or my favorite dictionary, the thesaurus...
[moans]

922
00:39:52,431 --> 00:39:53,891
I love the thesaurus.

923
00:39:53,974 --> 00:39:56,769
I love the way it gets right to it
with those other words.

924
00:39:56,852 --> 00:39:57,978
[audience laughing]

925
00:39:58,062 --> 00:40:00,272
Yeah, none of them are perfect,
but there they are.

926
00:40:00,356 --> 00:40:02,316
The people's dictionary, I always say.

927
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:03,651
[audience laughing]

928
00:40:03,734 --> 00:40:06,404
The first synonym
for "penetrate" is "puncture,"

929
00:40:06,487 --> 00:40:09,031
but you didn't puncture anything here.
This is a working passageway

930
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:10,699
and it's been one for some time.

931
00:40:10,783 --> 00:40:14,703
You missed the ribbon-cutting ceremony.
We've been operational for a while now.

932
00:40:15,287 --> 00:40:17,581
And I'm not saying
it's this grand open entrance

933
00:40:17,665 --> 00:40:19,750
that you could sort of amble on in.

934
00:40:19,834 --> 00:40:20,960
No. No.

935
00:40:21,043 --> 00:40:25,464
The walls of this vaginal canal lie flat,
indeed they do. [moans]

936
00:40:25,548 --> 00:40:27,800
Okay. But the walls of a glove lie flat.

937
00:40:27,883 --> 00:40:31,387
And when you put your hand into a glove,
you don't say, "I penetrated that glove."

938
00:40:31,470 --> 00:40:34,014
You put your gloves on
and you don't even talk about it.

939
00:40:34,098 --> 00:40:35,891
[audience laughing]

940
00:40:35,975 --> 00:40:39,145
If you don't like penetrate,
like I don't, your next option,

941
00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:42,565
"Enter." Oh, the more literary
"to enter someone," you know like,

942
00:40:42,648 --> 00:40:44,483
"Oh, oh, the moment."

943
00:40:45,401 --> 00:40:48,404
"Oh, the very moment that you entered me,

944
00:40:49,572 --> 00:40:50,948
my world changed

945
00:40:51,615 --> 00:40:52,741
and me along with it."

946
00:40:52,825 --> 00:40:55,244
- No, I've never been entered. [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]

947
00:40:55,327 --> 00:40:58,747
No, I think it's a matter
of scale for me, you know?

948
00:40:58,831 --> 00:41:02,168
Like, uh... like, um...
You know, if my body was a building.

949
00:41:02,251 --> 00:41:04,795
If my body was like a store,
like a Target,

950
00:41:05,379 --> 00:41:08,549
and someone did the equivalent
of what entering me is into Target,

951
00:41:08,632 --> 00:41:11,302
I don't think they're even
passed those second glass doors.

952
00:41:11,385 --> 00:41:12,470
[audience laughing]

953
00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:15,514
I don't think they can really say
they went to Target today.

954
00:41:15,598 --> 00:41:16,849
[audience laughing]

955
00:41:16,932 --> 00:41:19,977
No, I think they loitered in the entryway.

956
00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:22,646
They made those doors open and close

957
00:41:22,730 --> 00:41:24,982
and open and close primarily.

958
00:41:25,065 --> 00:41:28,569
They were a problem
in the parking lot outside Target

959
00:41:29,820 --> 00:41:30,654
today.

960
00:41:32,364 --> 00:41:33,741
"Penetrate." "Enter me."

961
00:41:33,824 --> 00:41:36,577
"Laid pipe in her." I heard that
for the first time in college.

962
00:41:36,660 --> 00:41:40,289
"I laid pipe in her"
and the penis is supposed to be the pipe.

963
00:41:40,372 --> 00:41:44,585
Here, young man? And you're the plumber?
You've plumbed nothing in this life.

964
00:41:44,668 --> 00:41:48,339
I know that. You're an Econ major
and I've hated you for some time.

965
00:41:48,422 --> 00:41:50,841
[audience laughing and applauding]

966
00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:52,092
"Choke on it, bitch."

967
00:41:52,176 --> 00:41:55,930
"Uh, choke on... choke on this dick.
Choke on this fat dick."

968
00:41:56,013 --> 00:41:58,057
"Let's hear you choke
and make the choke... [vocalizes]"

969
00:41:58,140 --> 00:42:01,477
Is that what you want?
The look of fear and panic in my eye?

970
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:03,020
[vocalizing]

971
00:42:03,687 --> 00:42:06,524
I've always been afraid of choking,
one of my main fears.

972
00:42:06,607 --> 00:42:07,858
Never on the penis.

973
00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:10,569
No, never been afraid
of choking on the penis

974
00:42:10,653 --> 00:42:13,489
'cause it's not a choking hazard,
it's attached.

975
00:42:13,572 --> 00:42:16,158
[audience laughing]

976
00:42:16,242 --> 00:42:19,537
I'm choking on it. I'm choking on it.
I'm choking on that dick.

977
00:42:20,204 --> 00:42:21,038
Oh wait.

978
00:42:21,121 --> 00:42:23,249
[audience laughing and applauding]

979
00:42:23,332 --> 00:42:25,000
I'm completely safe.

980
00:42:25,084 --> 00:42:26,585
[audience laughing]

981
00:42:26,669 --> 00:42:28,796
Death is here. Ooh, death is here.

982
00:42:28,879 --> 00:42:32,007
Gonna try to live a long life
if I take care of myself properly

983
00:42:32,091 --> 00:42:34,176
and make a few good decisions.

984
00:42:34,260 --> 00:42:36,971
No. You know what?
No one would ever deep throat a gumball.

985
00:42:37,054 --> 00:42:39,640
No one would gargle
a gumball in the back of their throat.

986
00:42:39,723 --> 00:42:41,183
That's a real risk. No.

987
00:42:42,142 --> 00:42:46,230
No. A child's gumball is more of a threat
than the cock. Do you see?

988
00:42:46,313 --> 00:42:48,315
[audience laughing]

989
00:42:51,151 --> 00:42:52,653
I wasn't always this way.

990
00:42:52,736 --> 00:42:54,238
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]

991
00:42:54,321 --> 00:42:56,907
Okay. You know this whole,
"Your cock ain't shit."

992
00:42:56,991 --> 00:42:59,201
[laughing sarcastically]

993
00:42:59,285 --> 00:43:03,914
No. No, you don't start out this way
and then feel the need to do this, okay.

994
00:43:03,998 --> 00:43:06,750
[audience laughing]

995
00:43:07,835 --> 00:43:09,253
No, I used to be afraid.

996
00:43:09,336 --> 00:43:10,588
[audience chuckling]

997
00:43:10,671 --> 00:43:13,924
Like, the first time that I tried to give
a blow job, for example,

998
00:43:14,008 --> 00:43:15,426
I failed miserably.

999
00:43:15,509 --> 00:43:19,054
I backed out at the last possible second
before doing it 'cause I realized

1000
00:43:19,138 --> 00:43:23,434
the essential problem with the thing
and it was perfect circumstances too.

1001
00:43:23,517 --> 00:43:26,645
Really. I was 16
and I had a boyfriend a grade above me.

1002
00:43:26,729 --> 00:43:29,148
You know, I had the boyfriend
laid out on a bed

1003
00:43:29,231 --> 00:43:31,692
like a patient etherized upon a table

1004
00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:34,320
his body a slow-moving fog, I guess.

1005
00:43:34,403 --> 00:43:36,989
I've got him on this bed
in someone's guest room,

1006
00:43:37,072 --> 00:43:38,741
someone's finished basement.

1007
00:43:38,824 --> 00:43:42,661
Oh, and I love the smell
of a newly-finished basement, you know.

1008
00:43:42,745 --> 00:43:45,539
The off-gassing of the fresh rug.
The feeling the family's doing it.

1009
00:43:45,623 --> 00:43:47,916
They finished the basement,
what's next, the deck? Oh God.

1010
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:49,918
I can't imagine, I can't imagine

1011
00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:52,755
but I know it's going to be
so goddamn beautiful.

1012
00:43:52,838 --> 00:43:54,048
[audience laughing]

1013
00:43:54,131 --> 00:43:56,925
So I've got him on this bed in
this guest room in this finished basement.

1014
00:43:57,009 --> 00:44:00,054
Someone's party's going on upstairs.
Someone's parents not home.

1015
00:44:00,137 --> 00:44:02,306
So many layers
between me and the boyfriend.

1016
00:44:02,389 --> 00:44:04,683
You know, and my own home, my own parents.

1017
00:44:04,767 --> 00:44:09,313
I mean, this is as close as you can get
to attempting a blow job in a vacuum.

1018
00:44:09,396 --> 00:44:10,731
[audience laughing]

1019
00:44:10,814 --> 00:44:12,983
So I make my way, you know,

1020
00:44:13,734 --> 00:44:14,860
down the torso.

1021
00:44:15,903 --> 00:44:16,737
[audience laughing]

1022
00:44:16,820 --> 00:44:19,782
And all that that entails,
you know, the whole... [exhales]

1023
00:44:19,865 --> 00:44:21,283
...the whole, "Can she do it?"

1024
00:44:21,367 --> 00:44:22,368
[audience laughing]

1025
00:44:22,451 --> 00:44:24,161
The uncertainty, the whole thing.

1026
00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:26,080
And maybe I took it too slowly,
too humbly,

1027
00:44:26,163 --> 00:44:28,499
not enough speed, momentum, confidence,

1028
00:44:28,582 --> 00:44:31,210
but when I get there, I am hesitating.

1029
00:44:31,293 --> 00:44:32,753
I am not doing it.

1030
00:44:32,836 --> 00:44:34,963
I... [sighs] ...I'm hovering even.

1031
00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:37,925
- [humming]
- [audience laughing]

1032
00:44:39,551 --> 00:44:42,096
And it's a bummer
'cause I really want to do it.

1033
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:47,142
And some would say, "You didn't really
want to do it in the sense of desire

1034
00:44:47,226 --> 00:44:48,477
or you'd just be doing it."

1035
00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:50,521
No, I mean, yeah. [chuckles]

1036
00:44:50,604 --> 00:44:53,023
I've never hovered over a French fry.
That is true.

1037
00:44:53,107 --> 00:44:54,274
[audience laughing]

1038
00:44:54,358 --> 00:44:55,901
The second I recognize the desire,

1039
00:44:55,984 --> 00:44:58,278
I collapse the desire
through the consumption of the fry,

1040
00:44:58,362 --> 00:45:00,197
but I did want to do it.

1041
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:02,700
I wanted to do it, and that's real too.

1042
00:45:04,118 --> 00:45:06,662
You have to understand
at this time in my life I get dropped off

1043
00:45:06,745 --> 00:45:08,706
at Borders bookstore quite a bit.

1044
00:45:08,789 --> 00:45:09,957
[audience laughing]

1045
00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:13,419
I'd stay there for hours and I'd read
all sorts of things, you know,

1046
00:45:13,502 --> 00:45:16,380
including these quote books,
these compilations of quotations.

1047
00:45:16,463 --> 00:45:19,591
I'd sort of lock my knees
and speed-read the quote books

1048
00:45:19,675 --> 00:45:21,593
to try to get the wisdom of the ages.

1049
00:45:21,677 --> 00:45:24,763
When you speed-read those books,
certain themes emerge,

1050
00:45:24,847 --> 00:45:26,473
a big one "Youth is wasted on the young."

1051
00:45:26,557 --> 00:45:29,852
And I hear you, voices of the past.
I'm not gonna do that. No.

1052
00:45:29,935 --> 00:45:31,270
I'm gonna drink cum.

1053
00:45:31,353 --> 00:45:34,648
I'm gonna drink cum in the July grass,

1054
00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:37,025
under the moonlight,
and I'm gonna do it as soon as I can.

1055
00:45:37,109 --> 00:45:39,027
I mean, that's what Borders teaches you.

1056
00:45:39,111 --> 00:45:40,112
[audience laughing]

1057
00:45:40,195 --> 00:45:43,949
If you're a young, voracious reader,
there's so much passion in those pages.

1058
00:45:44,032 --> 00:45:45,701
So many lives lived, you know,

1059
00:45:45,784 --> 00:45:47,995
and the feeling that my life
can only be one book at most.

1060
00:45:48,078 --> 00:45:49,663
So I wanna get started on that life.

1061
00:45:49,747 --> 00:45:50,789
But I'm there.

1062
00:45:50,873 --> 00:45:52,958
I'm there and I'm not getting started
on it, you know.

1063
00:45:53,041 --> 00:45:54,001
And why? Why?

1064
00:45:54,084 --> 00:45:57,045
Is it 'cause I feel all alone
before the awesomeness of this great task?

1065
00:45:57,129 --> 00:45:59,923
You know? Not really.
I actually feel the full support

1066
00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:02,634
of the entire field hockey team
behind me on this one.

1067
00:46:03,218 --> 00:46:05,596
'Cause they had driven me
to this party on this night

1068
00:46:05,679 --> 00:46:07,306
to give this specific blow job.

1069
00:46:07,389 --> 00:46:08,474
[audience laughing]

1070
00:46:08,557 --> 00:46:10,851
Earlier that night
I was at a team-spirit-building sleepover

1071
00:46:10,934 --> 00:46:11,769
with the entire team,

1072
00:46:11,852 --> 00:46:14,271
and the older girls
who are friends with my older boyfriend,

1073
00:46:14,354 --> 00:46:17,065
I guess they were looking out, you know,
for him and me, in a way.

1074
00:46:17,149 --> 00:46:18,275
[audience laughing]

1075
00:46:18,358 --> 00:46:22,029
And they said, like, "We understand
you haven't given him a blow job yet."

1076
00:46:22,112 --> 00:46:25,240
You know, like, "Why? [chuckles]
Is it 'cause you're afraid?"

1077
00:46:25,324 --> 00:46:28,952
"You don't have to be afraid. It's a...
It's a 'Just do it' kind of thing."

1078
00:46:29,036 --> 00:46:30,704
"You just do it
and then you'll have done it

1079
00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:33,999
and that will be it. 3, 2, 1,
fake until you make it, just do it..."

1080
00:46:34,082 --> 00:46:36,460
"That's wonderful advice," I said.

1081
00:46:36,543 --> 00:46:37,669
You know, "Thank you."

1082
00:46:38,420 --> 00:46:40,964
"Next time I see him, that's just
what I'll do. I'll just do it."

1083
00:46:41,048 --> 00:46:44,051
They were like, "But next time can be now.
He's only five minutes away by car."

1084
00:46:44,134 --> 00:46:45,969
"And we have a car. Here's a beer."

1085
00:46:46,470 --> 00:46:48,305
I could barely get four sips
of the beer down,

1086
00:46:48,388 --> 00:46:50,599
I'm a cocktail woman.
I didn't know that yet.

1087
00:46:50,682 --> 00:46:51,600
[audience laughing]

1088
00:46:51,683 --> 00:46:54,102
And they got me out to the car
and they chanted, "Blow him."

1089
00:46:54,186 --> 00:46:56,814
"Blow him. Blow him. Blow him."

1090
00:46:58,315 --> 00:47:00,442
Maybe it sounds like
peer pressure to some.

1091
00:47:00,526 --> 00:47:01,360
[audience laughing]

1092
00:47:01,443 --> 00:47:04,947
I didn't experience it as such. No,
I experienced their pressure as support

1093
00:47:05,030 --> 00:47:07,157
you see, because I was
a young Tony Robbins reader.

1094
00:47:07,241 --> 00:47:08,158
[audience laughing]

1095
00:47:08,242 --> 00:47:12,412
So I knew if you tell people your goals,
you become more likely to achieve them.

1096
00:47:12,496 --> 00:47:13,831
You... you feel accountable.

1097
00:47:13,914 --> 00:47:15,541
Do you see?

1098
00:47:15,624 --> 00:47:18,293
I had done the <i>Personal Power</i> series
in sixth grade,

1099
00:47:18,377 --> 00:47:19,962
uh, the 48 cassette tapes.

1100
00:47:20,045 --> 00:47:22,631
Bit of a close read
of <i>Awaken the Giant Within</i> in seventh,

1101
00:47:22,714 --> 00:47:25,759
and now in high school, I was
revisiting <i>Giant</i> to prepare for PSATs.

1102
00:47:25,843 --> 00:47:27,511
I know, you can't prepare for the PSATs.

1103
00:47:27,594 --> 00:47:30,681
No, but you can dismantle the limiting
beliefs that get you a negative headspace,

1104
00:47:30,764 --> 00:47:34,226
which can affect where you land
in your general scoring territory, so...

1105
00:47:34,309 --> 00:47:36,562
[audience laughing and applauding]

1106
00:47:36,645 --> 00:47:40,065
The team captain drives me over
to the party where my boyfriend is

1107
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:42,484
and on the way, you know,
tries to level with me, like,

1108
00:47:42,568 --> 00:47:44,027
"So really, why haven't you done it?"

1109
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,322
"Like why haven't you given your boyfriend
a blow job?" And I was like, "Well,

1110
00:47:47,406 --> 00:47:49,032
primarily I'm worried about the teeth."

1111
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:52,077
"I don't understand where
they're gonna go. They're everywhere."

1112
00:47:52,160 --> 00:47:53,078
[audience laughing]

1113
00:47:53,161 --> 00:47:55,914
"And you know, there's no bone in there?"
and she already knew.

1114
00:47:56,415 --> 00:47:57,416
[audience laughing]

1115
00:47:57,499 --> 00:47:59,501
She's like,
"You don't have to worry about the teeth

1116
00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:01,587
'cause the way you give
the blow job is you lubricate

1117
00:48:01,670 --> 00:48:03,547
around the mouth, nose down, grease it up

1118
00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:06,550
with lip balm or Vaseline
or anything of your choosing,

1119
00:48:06,633 --> 00:48:09,803
and then you wrap each lip around each
corresponding row of teeth, under, over

1120
00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,471
and then you smile."

1121
00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:13,348
"To pull it taut, so..."

1122
00:48:14,683 --> 00:48:16,018
[audience laughing]

1123
00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:19,730
"And then it safely slides, you see.
Keep smiling."

1124
00:48:19,813 --> 00:48:23,108
- Some of you are thinking, "Indeed."
- [audience laughing]

1125
00:48:23,191 --> 00:48:26,486
"Yeah, Sweetie, we know
what a blow job is. Carry on." You know.

1126
00:48:26,570 --> 00:48:29,239
I don't know. It could be 5% of you.
It could be 95% of you.

1127
00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:31,241
There are... there are no rules, but...

1128
00:48:31,325 --> 00:48:33,493
When she said it, she was like,
"You get it? You get it?"

1129
00:48:33,577 --> 00:48:36,163
And I was like, "Yes. Thank you,
you solved it." And she had.

1130
00:48:36,246 --> 00:48:38,290
But it was like when someone
gives you bad directions.

1131
00:48:38,373 --> 00:48:39,958
You're pretty sure they're wrong,

1132
00:48:40,042 --> 00:48:42,044
but you feel you gotta wait
till they're out of view

1133
00:48:42,127 --> 00:48:45,505
before you ask someone else, you know,
'cause you had a thing, you had rapport.

1134
00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:49,176
And so it's just, you know you're polite
and still alone on the side of the road...

1135
00:48:49,259 --> 00:48:50,844
- [audience laughing]
- [sighs]

1136
00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:52,554
Something in me when she said that...

1137
00:48:52,638 --> 00:48:54,222
You know, something in me said that...

1138
00:48:54,723 --> 00:48:55,557
that...

1139
00:48:55,641 --> 00:48:57,392
[audience chuckling]

1140
00:48:57,476 --> 00:48:59,937
- That can't be it.
- [audience laughing]

1141
00:49:00,020 --> 00:49:01,438
This greased up Muppet.

1142
00:49:01,521 --> 00:49:02,356
That...

1143
00:49:02,439 --> 00:49:04,983
[audience laughing and applauding]

1144
00:49:05,067 --> 00:49:08,612
That can't be
what a blow job is, you know.

1145
00:49:08,695 --> 00:49:12,157
For the blow job to be a thing at all,
for it to have its own title,

1146
00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:14,993
you know, for it to have endured
through the ages,

1147
00:49:15,077 --> 00:49:17,204
and for someone
to have invented it in the first place

1148
00:49:17,287 --> 00:49:20,040
spontaneously in the woods
like some bloated-heart cave person

1149
00:49:20,123 --> 00:49:21,166
who felt this passion

1150
00:49:21,249 --> 00:49:23,877
the other moves just weren't
freshly expressing, you know.

1151
00:49:23,961 --> 00:49:25,087
And then they improvised.

1152
00:49:25,170 --> 00:49:27,005
Like, "What's the craziest..."
Like, "Wait, wait!"

1153
00:49:27,089 --> 00:49:28,757
"What's the craziest thing
I can do to you?"

1154
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,760
They thought about it... and then they knew.
You know, like, "Ah!"

1155
00:49:31,843 --> 00:49:33,845
And they knew what they had, you know.

1156
00:49:33,929 --> 00:49:37,057
And it's like the windowed envelope.
It's a simple, but elegant solution.

1157
00:49:37,140 --> 00:49:39,518
Could you have thought of it?
You know what I'm talking about?

1158
00:49:39,601 --> 00:49:42,145
Address, you put it on the letter,
then you put it in an envelope.

1159
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:45,399
You don't have to put the address
'cause there's a window in it.

1160
00:49:45,482 --> 00:49:48,902
Before someone thought of that,
no one thought of that.

1161
00:49:48,986 --> 00:49:50,237
[audience laughing]

1162
00:49:50,904 --> 00:49:54,116
To me, it's the same with a blow job.
I mean, just...

1163
00:49:54,199 --> 00:49:55,951
"What's the craziest thing
I could do to you?"

1164
00:49:56,034 --> 00:50:00,122
"How could I express the intensity of...?"
And then they knew what they had.

1165
00:50:00,205 --> 00:50:02,874
And it was a risk, but they went for it.
You know, they just...

1166
00:50:02,958 --> 00:50:06,294
[moaning progressively louder]

1167
00:50:06,378 --> 00:50:07,713
[audience laughing]

1168
00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:12,801
That kind of genius, I mean,
it cannot be overstated.

1169
00:50:14,136 --> 00:50:16,722
It just seemed to me like for the blow job

1170
00:50:16,805 --> 00:50:18,932
to have come about spontaneously,

1171
00:50:19,016 --> 00:50:22,269
it shouldn't require these...
these clever work-arounds, you know.

1172
00:50:22,352 --> 00:50:26,690
These little hacks and the wasting
of my kiwi Body Shop lip balm, you know.

1173
00:50:27,274 --> 00:50:29,401
It seemed like it should just have
a way it just works.

1174
00:50:29,484 --> 00:50:33,030
An internal poetry to it.
You know, I wanna do it like that.

1175
00:50:33,113 --> 00:50:35,365
Like I was inventing it.
Like there was no word for it yet.

1176
00:50:35,449 --> 00:50:37,826
Real pre-printing press kind of dignity.

1177
00:50:38,326 --> 00:50:39,536
Authentic.

1178
00:50:39,619 --> 00:50:41,663
Authentic or not at all, you know?

1179
00:50:42,664 --> 00:50:44,791
But I'm there, and I'm not doing it.

1180
00:50:45,667 --> 00:50:48,170
And this is when I realize
the essential problem of the thing.

1181
00:50:48,253 --> 00:50:51,048
It's those first couple moments,
I'm not going to be doing it well.

1182
00:50:51,131 --> 00:50:54,009
Of course, I'd never done it before.
Fair enough. That's not the problem.

1183
00:50:54,092 --> 00:50:56,887
The problem is that in those moments
when I'm doing it badly,

1184
00:50:56,970 --> 00:50:58,889
I won't be able
to articulate to the person

1185
00:50:58,972 --> 00:51:01,308
that I know that I'm doing it badly.

1186
00:51:01,391 --> 00:51:02,225
[audience laughing]

1187
00:51:02,309 --> 00:51:05,062
Because my mouth is stuffed
full of genitals.

1188
00:51:05,145 --> 00:51:06,354
Do you see... do you see?

1189
00:51:06,438 --> 00:51:09,441
The blow job precludes
your ability to narrate,

1190
00:51:09,524 --> 00:51:14,529
to explain yourself,
to provide context, to make a little joke.

1191
00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:17,199
There's no way to communicate awareness.

1192
00:51:17,282 --> 00:51:20,660
And it's always
about communicating awareness for me.

1193
00:51:20,744 --> 00:51:25,373
You know, I don't actually mind
being a fool in this life, you know.

1194
00:51:25,457 --> 00:51:30,545
As long as I can let you know that I, too,
hear the jangle of the bells upon my hat.

1195
00:51:30,629 --> 00:51:32,422
[audience laughing and applauding]

1196
00:51:32,506 --> 00:51:34,424
[cheering]

1197
00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:36,635
Ding-a-ling. Ding-a-ling.

1198
00:51:36,718 --> 00:51:38,637
Indeed, I hear them too.

1199
00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,639
"You'd never believe this,
I sewed those in."

1200
00:51:40,722 --> 00:51:44,267
I make my own costumes,
and I thought they might be interesting."

1201
00:51:44,351 --> 00:51:45,310
[audience laughing]

1202
00:51:45,393 --> 00:51:48,855
No, if I had a second mouth
in this scenario, I'd be aces.

1203
00:51:48,939 --> 00:51:50,273
I mean, this'd be nothing.

1204
00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:54,319
It'd be one mouth to attempt the blow job
and a second one to go, "Okay. Hold on."

1205
00:51:54,820 --> 00:51:57,114
"Obviously, this is not a blow job yet."

1206
00:51:57,197 --> 00:51:59,449
"I'm just trying to get in a position
where I... wow."

1207
00:51:59,533 --> 00:52:02,619
"My tooth has already dragged.
Obviously you felt that."

1208
00:52:02,702 --> 00:52:04,996
"I just want to let you know
that we're aware of the problem

1209
00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:06,915
and we are working on a solution,

1210
00:52:06,998 --> 00:52:09,793
and we so greatly appreciate your patience
on this day."

1211
00:52:09,876 --> 00:52:10,710
But no.

1212
00:52:10,794 --> 00:52:15,423
No. You have no words,
all you have is dumb eyes.

1213
00:52:15,507 --> 00:52:16,424
Just the...

1214
00:52:16,508 --> 00:52:19,344
[audience laughing]

1215
00:52:19,427 --> 00:52:23,223
Just the dumb eyes
of someone figuring something out.

1216
00:52:23,306 --> 00:52:26,351
Just that stupid learning-on-the-job look.

1217
00:52:26,434 --> 00:52:28,270
I hate that look.

1218
00:52:28,353 --> 00:52:31,148
No dignity in it, just concentration.

1219
00:52:31,231 --> 00:52:34,609
You know, earnest attempts at adjusting
in the moment to surprise.

1220
00:52:34,693 --> 00:52:37,195
No. No. No. No dignity. No.

1221
00:52:37,279 --> 00:52:38,822
No words, no dignity.

1222
00:52:38,905 --> 00:52:42,159
No words, I see no way through,
and so I don't know what to do.

1223
00:52:42,242 --> 00:52:45,871
So I just start backing my way,
you know, just back up the torso

1224
00:52:45,954 --> 00:52:49,040
as humbly and feebly as I had gone, and I...

1225
00:52:49,124 --> 00:52:52,836
I get back to the face and I was like,
I wanna do something, I mean,

1226
00:52:53,420 --> 00:52:54,963
my team is counting on me.

1227
00:52:55,046 --> 00:52:56,339
[audience chuckling]

1228
00:52:56,423 --> 00:52:58,633
And Borders. Above all, Borders, you know.

1229
00:52:58,717 --> 00:53:00,844
I want to...
I want to get started on this life.

1230
00:53:00,927 --> 00:53:04,514
And so I take a deep breath... [inhales]
...and relax 'cause that's the thing.

1231
00:53:04,598 --> 00:53:07,350
You relax and the answer
is supposed to appear and for once it did.

1232
00:53:07,434 --> 00:53:09,269
My virginity, I gave it to him.

1233
00:53:09,352 --> 00:53:11,563
[audience laughing and applauding]

1234
00:53:11,646 --> 00:53:13,273
Process that however you need.

1235
00:53:13,356 --> 00:53:16,651
Okay, but for me, it was genius.
For me, it was genius. Absolutely genius.

1236
00:53:16,735 --> 00:53:19,154
'Cause I never valued my virginity.

1237
00:53:19,237 --> 00:53:20,989
Why would I? I'm a self-starter,

1238
00:53:21,072 --> 00:53:23,241
and I had gotten that
just for showing up on Earth.

1239
00:53:23,325 --> 00:53:25,410
I hadn't earned it. No.

1240
00:53:25,493 --> 00:53:28,788
To me, virginity always felt
like the house's money.

1241
00:53:28,872 --> 00:53:30,207
[audience laughing]

1242
00:53:30,290 --> 00:53:32,751
I got this virginity here,
I think we're supposed to spend it.

1243
00:53:32,834 --> 00:53:34,836
It's almost like, like a voucher.
Like, two vouchers

1244
00:53:34,920 --> 00:53:37,923
in a gift bag in a hotel room, like,
"They put two virginity vouchers in here."

1245
00:53:38,006 --> 00:53:41,343
I mean, people make a big deal about this,
but I don't really give a shit.

1246
00:53:41,426 --> 00:53:44,471
But for a goof, we should probably try
to use it before we leave the resort.

1247
00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:47,432
I wasn't worried about saving myself,

1248
00:53:47,515 --> 00:53:49,226
you know, my... myself for marriage.

1249
00:53:49,309 --> 00:53:53,813
If my... myself, referred to my fear
and discomfort around my body and yours.

1250
00:53:53,897 --> 00:53:55,357
For you, true love.

1251
00:53:55,440 --> 00:53:58,318
No. If I was gonna present something
to the eventual true love,

1252
00:53:58,401 --> 00:54:00,487
I'd want it to be
a collection of sexual skills

1253
00:54:00,570 --> 00:54:02,530
and an attitude of confidence, you know,

1254
00:54:03,198 --> 00:54:04,282
with which to employ them.

1255
00:54:04,366 --> 00:54:07,452
A sort of idiosyncratic lexicon
to express my idiosyncratic

1256
00:54:07,535 --> 00:54:09,329
yet universal love.

1257
00:54:09,412 --> 00:54:10,997
But in order to gain those skills,

1258
00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:13,041
I'd have to have
a variety of lesser experiences.

1259
00:54:13,124 --> 00:54:16,628
That's just how it goes.
I'd have to have my training montage.

1260
00:54:16,711 --> 00:54:18,546
[audience laughing]

1261
00:54:18,630 --> 00:54:20,173
Then I can set it aside.

1262
00:54:20,257 --> 00:54:22,717
Then like the moody prince
renouncing his wealth, you know,

1263
00:54:22,801 --> 00:54:26,554
I could set that aside and then eventually
for the true love on my wedding day,

1264
00:54:26,638 --> 00:54:30,058
you know, my father could present that,
you know, on behalf of the family.

1265
00:54:30,141 --> 00:54:31,685
"From our family to yours."

1266
00:54:31,768 --> 00:54:35,230
"I don't know what to say, but I know
she worked really hard on this."

1267
00:54:35,313 --> 00:54:36,648
[audience laughing]

1268
00:54:37,232 --> 00:54:41,278
I wasn't worried about purity, the idea
that with every sexual experience,

1269
00:54:41,361 --> 00:54:42,821
uh, you're a little more diminished.

1270
00:54:42,904 --> 00:54:45,782
That sort of the scratch-and-sniff sticker
model of personhood.

1271
00:54:45,865 --> 00:54:48,368
You know, kinda, "Oh, little scratch here,
little sniff there."

1272
00:54:48,451 --> 00:54:51,913
"It's a good time, sure, isn't it? But
yeah, yeah, pretty soon, what are you?"

1273
00:54:51,997 --> 00:54:55,625
"You're a faded strawberry in sunglasses.
Is that what you want?"

1274
00:54:56,126 --> 00:54:57,252
What do we do with you then,

1275
00:54:57,335 --> 00:55:00,297
move you to the back of the sticker book
with your slut sisters?

1276
00:55:00,380 --> 00:55:02,966
Oh, we all remember what happened
to your eldest sister,

1277
00:55:03,049 --> 00:55:04,884
beautiful root beer float with feet.

1278
00:55:04,968 --> 00:55:06,052
[audience laughing]

1279
00:55:06,136 --> 00:55:08,555
Tried to put her out to pasture.
She died under a man's boot.

1280
00:55:08,638 --> 00:55:10,390
She didn't have a stink left on her.

1281
00:55:10,473 --> 00:55:13,435
No sniff on her, no stink on her,
just slipped right out, rolled right up...

1282
00:55:13,518 --> 00:55:15,937
You ever see a sticker roll up on itself?

1283
00:55:16,771 --> 00:55:18,273
[audience laughing]

1284
00:55:19,649 --> 00:55:22,610
No, I was ready... I was ready
to be a sexually-active teen.

1285
00:55:22,694 --> 00:55:25,739
And sex, technically-speaking,
I mean, it solved a problem, you know?

1286
00:55:25,822 --> 00:55:28,241
Do you like dry humping
but are tired of being injured

1287
00:55:28,325 --> 00:55:29,993
by the seam of your jeans?

1288
00:55:30,076 --> 00:55:31,703
[audience laughing]

1289
00:55:31,786 --> 00:55:34,456
I was ready to be
a sexually-active, gum-chewing teen

1290
00:55:34,539 --> 00:55:36,249
doing the Health teacher proud, you know.

1291
00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:39,127
And she was proud, and I sensed it.
I felt pretty good about it.

1292
00:55:39,210 --> 00:55:42,589
I also remember sensing the pride
of my boyfriend's father at the time.

1293
00:55:42,672 --> 00:55:44,257
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]

1294
00:55:44,341 --> 00:55:46,676
Yeah, I think the son had told the father,

1295
00:55:46,760 --> 00:55:50,680
and there was a notable spring
in the man's step on behalf of his son.

1296
00:55:50,764 --> 00:55:52,724
Yeah. It's disgusting.

1297
00:55:53,683 --> 00:55:56,102
And maybe that's just 'cause
I don't love a boyfriend's father,

1298
00:55:56,186 --> 00:55:57,562
you know, as a figure in general.

1299
00:55:57,645 --> 00:55:59,564
I think they're wrong and shouldn't exist.

1300
00:55:59,647 --> 00:56:00,482
[audience laughing]

1301
00:56:00,565 --> 00:56:03,193
But particularly in high school, you know.

1302
00:56:03,276 --> 00:56:05,570
Even when they're lovely,
it's the role itself, you know.

1303
00:56:05,653 --> 00:56:07,655
It's not even their fault. "Oh, hello."

1304
00:56:07,739 --> 00:56:10,200
"Hello, Jacqueline, how are you?"
You know, "How's school?"

1305
00:56:10,283 --> 00:56:13,411
And it's just like, "Don't fucking look
at me or talk to me, sir."

1306
00:56:13,912 --> 00:56:16,373
"Please, honestly,
it's not a good look for you."

1307
00:56:16,456 --> 00:56:18,208
[audience laughing]

1308
00:56:18,291 --> 00:56:21,961
You know, "Your son gained access to me,
your son gained access to me

1309
00:56:22,045 --> 00:56:23,296
through his own merits."

1310
00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,006
"You're owed nothing here."

1311
00:56:25,840 --> 00:56:28,426
Not a wave hello. Not a whiff on the side.

1312
00:56:28,510 --> 00:56:30,011
I think it would be best for all of us

1313
00:56:30,095 --> 00:56:32,931
if when you heard my car coming down
the road, you made yourself scarce.

1314
00:56:33,014 --> 00:56:34,057
[audience laughing]

1315
00:56:34,140 --> 00:56:36,684
You went to your little shed
and did whatever the hell it is you do

1316
00:56:36,768 --> 00:56:38,770
in that hideous little shed of yours.

1317
00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:43,858
If I seem deranged... if I seem deranged
in my anger at the boyfriend's father,

1318
00:56:43,942 --> 00:56:45,985
it's 'cause he was
a particular kind of asshole.

1319
00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:49,155
He wasn't unlike many adults
at that time in my life.

1320
00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:52,242
He would comment a lot
on my use of the word "like."

1321
00:56:52,325 --> 00:56:53,284
He was obsessed.

1322
00:56:53,368 --> 00:56:54,452
You know, just like...

1323
00:56:54,536 --> 00:56:58,581
"Sorry, Jacqueline. It's just that when
you talk, all I hear is the word 'like.'"

1324
00:56:58,665 --> 00:57:01,709
"It's all I can focus on.
You know and it's just..." [groans]

1325
00:57:02,210 --> 00:57:03,920
That's all you can hear?

1326
00:57:04,003 --> 00:57:06,214
That... that's all you can focus on?

1327
00:57:07,006 --> 00:57:09,509
Then let me be
a cognitive exercise for you, sir,

1328
00:57:09,592 --> 00:57:11,594
in your fight against mental decline.

1329
00:57:11,678 --> 00:57:13,138
[audience laughing and applauding]

1330
00:57:13,221 --> 00:57:17,183
It's the same word over and over again.
Block it out, make it white noise.

1331
00:57:17,267 --> 00:57:21,187
Selectively ignoring information
is one of six basic cognitive skills.

1332
00:57:21,938 --> 00:57:23,606
I see you doing your little puzzles.

1333
00:57:23,690 --> 00:57:25,567
Perhaps add
"listening to me talk" to the mix

1334
00:57:25,650 --> 00:57:28,611
if you refuse to go to your shed
as I directed earlier.

1335
00:57:28,695 --> 00:57:30,530
[audience laughing and applauding]

1336
00:57:30,613 --> 00:57:32,574
Oh, it was really gross,
it was really gross

1337
00:57:32,657 --> 00:57:35,201
'cause he acted like he cared,
you know, in this way, like,

1338
00:57:35,285 --> 00:57:37,036
he'd be like, "No, it's just that..."

1339
00:57:37,745 --> 00:57:40,665
"No, Jacqueline, it's just that
when you use that word so much, you...

1340
00:57:40,748 --> 00:57:45,253
you dilute the meanings of these things
you seem to be trying to say."

1341
00:57:45,336 --> 00:57:48,047
"You sound unintelligent."

1342
00:57:48,131 --> 00:57:50,633
And it's rich coming from a man
who, looking back,

1343
00:57:50,717 --> 00:57:53,970
never once said a single thing
that caused me to sort of stir

1344
00:57:54,053 --> 00:57:56,139
with the recognition of original thought.

1345
00:57:56,222 --> 00:57:57,515
[audience laughing]

1346
00:57:57,599 --> 00:58:01,186
He was concerned
about the potency of my speech.

1347
00:58:01,269 --> 00:58:04,022
No. No, sir. No.
You have not understood at all. No.

1348
00:58:04,105 --> 00:58:06,566
My intellect is a river, okay?

1349
00:58:07,066 --> 00:58:09,110
It's a river
and the word "like" is a stone,

1350
00:58:09,194 --> 00:58:12,280
and I drop stones into that river
to break up the current

1351
00:58:12,363 --> 00:58:14,699
so you're not
swept the fuck under and drowned.

1352
00:58:14,782 --> 00:58:17,911
[audience cheering and applauding]

1353
00:58:20,246 --> 00:58:23,917
I say "like" as a courtesy
to men like you...

1354
00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:25,543
[audience laughing]

1355
00:58:25,627 --> 00:58:27,754
...because you couldn't handle me.

1356
00:58:28,922 --> 00:58:31,299
- [softly] Precise.
- [audience laughing]

1357
00:58:31,382 --> 00:58:33,551
And I know you're real proud
of your son for fucking me,

1358
00:58:33,635 --> 00:58:36,012
but I'm fucking him,
that's the way that's going down.

1359
00:58:36,721 --> 00:58:39,390
He's not entering me.
I'm closing down around him.

1360
00:58:39,474 --> 00:58:40,683
[audience laughing]

1361
00:58:40,767 --> 00:58:43,686
- He doesn't penetrate me. I eat him.
- [audience laughing]

1362
00:58:43,770 --> 00:58:45,939
I chew him up
and I spit him out diminished,

1363
00:58:46,022 --> 00:58:48,566
and he loves every goddamn second of it.

1364
00:58:48,650 --> 00:58:51,069
Just like you would, you pig.

1365
00:58:51,152 --> 00:58:52,320
[audience laughing]

1366
00:58:52,403 --> 00:58:54,572
You pig in shorts.

1367
00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:55,782
[audience laughing]

1368
00:58:57,784 --> 00:59:00,495
I didn't... I didn't say shit
to the father, to be clear.

1369
00:59:00,995 --> 00:59:04,791
I could never... I could never do that
to a man. I mean, imagine his face.

1370
00:59:04,874 --> 00:59:07,502
He would've been destroyed.
I mean, the way he would have crumbled.

1371
00:59:07,585 --> 00:59:09,087
No, I could never. I could never.

1372
00:59:09,671 --> 00:59:11,798
But his son was never
to know a blow job from me.

1373
00:59:11,881 --> 00:59:15,468
That's something, I think. I mean,
it wasn't the father's fault, to be clear.

1374
00:59:15,552 --> 00:59:17,929
I just... I... I couldn't try again
with this boyfriend, you know,

1375
00:59:18,012 --> 00:59:19,847
'cause he had seen me attempt it once

1376
00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:22,517
and then retreat in fear.

1377
00:59:22,600 --> 00:59:24,477
So now if I were to just go for it again,

1378
00:59:24,561 --> 00:59:27,855
it would have too much of the quality
of someone going for it again, you know.

1379
00:59:27,939 --> 00:59:30,275
"Oh, nerves got her yesterday."
Like the Olympic skater.

1380
00:59:30,358 --> 00:59:34,028
"Let's see. Can she land her jumps today?"
You know?

1381
00:59:34,112 --> 00:59:35,530
No, there's too much awareness. No.

1382
00:59:35,613 --> 00:59:38,324
I felt like my only option for dignity
was to wait out the year,

1383
00:59:38,408 --> 00:59:42,287
never mention the failed attempt,
and then at the end of the summer

1384
00:59:42,370 --> 00:59:46,499
send that boyfriend off to college
so I could start my senior year fresh.

1385
00:59:46,583 --> 00:59:49,085
That's what I did,
top of my senior year. You know.

1386
00:59:49,168 --> 00:59:51,879
I scooped up a new boyfriend
'cause I knew that I just... [sighs]

1387
00:59:51,963 --> 00:59:55,758
In order to be a new person, I kind of
needed a new person to be one in front of.

1388
00:59:55,842 --> 00:59:56,801
[audience laughing]

1389
00:59:57,552 --> 01:00:01,055
So top of my senior year,
I scoop up this new boyfriend

1390
01:00:01,139 --> 01:00:03,141
and I get him into my parent's basement,

1391
01:00:03,224 --> 01:00:06,352
and my parent's basement
is an unfinished basement.

1392
01:00:06,853 --> 01:00:10,356
So it all feels real,
raw, and right, you know?

1393
01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:14,736
And I decide I'm gonna give him a blow job
on the first night we hang out,

1394
01:00:14,819 --> 01:00:18,281
before he knows me well enough
to know my faces, to be able to discern

1395
01:00:18,364 --> 01:00:22,660
the difference between a mask
of confidence and actual real confidence.

1396
01:00:22,744 --> 01:00:25,163
It's... it's a sexual running start,
you know?

1397
01:00:25,663 --> 01:00:27,415
It's speed. It's momentum.

1398
01:00:27,498 --> 01:00:31,502
It's... it's about embodying the spirit
of the cave person.

1399
01:00:31,586 --> 01:00:34,213
Like I'm trying to act like I don't even
understand what clothes are.

1400
01:00:34,297 --> 01:00:37,925
There's just something in the way
of my mouth's pure desire,

1401
01:00:38,009 --> 01:00:40,887
even though in my head, I'm like,
"Abercrombie. Abercrombie. Abercrombie."

1402
01:00:40,970 --> 01:00:41,846
[audience laughing]

1403
01:00:41,929 --> 01:00:43,681
And it's kind of
a literal running start too

1404
01:00:43,765 --> 01:00:45,767
'cause I wanna come
from around the basement stairs.

1405
01:00:45,850 --> 01:00:47,852
Already going for it!
You know, it's that old trick.

1406
01:00:47,935 --> 01:00:50,772
The blow job starts behind the stairs
so they don't see you wind up.

1407
01:00:50,855 --> 01:00:53,775
The point is you would've been proud.
You would've been proud.

1408
01:00:53,858 --> 01:00:55,568
It's just going, "Ah, ah," right?

1409
01:00:55,652 --> 01:00:58,196
And I go, like, "Ah, ah," and I can tell
he's buying it, you know?

1410
01:00:58,279 --> 01:01:00,156
And I go, "Ah,"
and just right before doing it,

1411
01:01:00,239 --> 01:01:02,158
I just go, "Oh my God.
Look who's not hesitating."

1412
01:01:02,241 --> 01:01:04,786
"Let's take a moment
to say look who's not hesitating."

1413
01:01:05,370 --> 01:01:08,581
And it was just, I don't know why,
I just... "Ah."

1414
01:01:08,665 --> 01:01:11,459
And then, you know... and... [chuckles]

1415
01:01:11,542 --> 01:01:13,169
I was at a dead stop yet again.

1416
01:01:13,252 --> 01:01:16,297
I... I couldn't believe it.
I mean, just... [humming]

1417
01:01:16,381 --> 01:01:19,967
Again. This is why I don't trust
the running starts in this life.

1418
01:01:20,051 --> 01:01:24,138
Do you understand? They don't carry you
through. You have to keep running. I mean...

1419
01:01:24,222 --> 01:01:26,849
This is why I don't trust
the confident entrances.

1420
01:01:27,475 --> 01:01:30,520
You know, I know you people deserve
something at the top of the show,

1421
01:01:30,603 --> 01:01:31,688
put you at ease, you know?

1422
01:01:31,771 --> 01:01:33,147
"What's up, Town Hall?"

1423
01:01:33,231 --> 01:01:35,108
"What's up, New York?
Get on your fucking feet."

1424
01:01:35,191 --> 01:01:37,735
"I'm the fuckin' greatest,
let you know you're in good hands."

1425
01:01:37,819 --> 01:01:38,778
No. No.

1426
01:01:38,861 --> 01:01:41,781
You see... "Ah, ah."
And then you see it crack.

1427
01:01:41,864 --> 01:01:44,617
You see it crack, and decay
over the course of the show.

1428
01:01:44,701 --> 01:01:45,743
[audience chuckling]

1429
01:01:45,827 --> 01:01:47,453
I'd rather build from nothing.

1430
01:01:47,537 --> 01:01:51,249
I'd rather just get pushed out, like
"Hello? I don't deserve to live..."

1431
01:01:51,833 --> 01:01:53,835
You know, "May I have a single breath?"
[inhales]

1432
01:01:53,918 --> 01:01:56,212
"Thank you.
That should hold me for a little while."

1433
01:01:56,295 --> 01:01:57,130
[audience laughing]

1434
01:01:57,213 --> 01:02:00,133
I don't know why I thought
the running start thing would work for me.

1435
01:02:00,216 --> 01:02:01,217
It's not who I am.

1436
01:02:01,300 --> 01:02:03,803
You know? I'm someone that's gone
to the end of a diving board

1437
01:02:03,886 --> 01:02:07,432
and sort of... and sort of...
three, two, one, and then pulled it back

1438
01:02:07,515 --> 01:02:09,308
impossibly at the last second.

1439
01:02:09,392 --> 01:02:10,393
[audience laughing]

1440
01:02:10,476 --> 01:02:13,771
You know, just with a move infinitely
more complex than the original dive.

1441
01:02:13,855 --> 01:02:16,858
And it's just, "Lifeguard.
Clear the ladder, I'm coming down."

1442
01:02:16,941 --> 01:02:18,192
"Help me out, lifeguard."

1443
01:02:19,026 --> 01:02:22,238
I've cleared 1,000 ladders in my day.

1444
01:02:22,321 --> 01:02:23,197
It's who I am.

1445
01:02:23,281 --> 01:02:25,992
There's something in me
that knows that in this life,

1446
01:02:26,075 --> 01:02:28,411
it is almost never...
it is almost never too late

1447
01:02:29,579 --> 01:02:30,663
to turn back.

1448
01:02:30,747 --> 01:02:32,457
[audience laughing]

1449
01:02:38,379 --> 01:02:39,922
[audience continues laughing]

1450
01:02:43,676 --> 01:02:44,510
But I'm there.

1451
01:02:45,678 --> 01:02:48,890
And I'm like, really?
Really, we're hesitating again?

1452
01:02:49,474 --> 01:02:52,894
What's the plan here, sweetheart?
What... what are you gonna do?

1453
01:02:52,977 --> 01:02:55,688
Are you gonna back your ass up
another goddamn torso?

1454
01:02:55,772 --> 01:02:57,857
Wait out another year
so you can try again next year?

1455
01:02:57,940 --> 01:02:59,734
On a new person to be
a new person in front of

1456
01:02:59,817 --> 01:03:01,360
in college on unfamiliar territory?

1457
01:03:01,444 --> 01:03:02,862
No, no, you need to just do it.

1458
01:03:02,945 --> 01:03:06,073
Well, you're not a 'just do it' person.
Do you listen to yourself? I don't care.

1459
01:03:06,157 --> 01:03:08,868
I don't care if you're an overthinker
who wishes she had a second mouth

1460
01:03:08,951 --> 01:03:11,496
to narrate her every experience.
Everyone'll know I know she knows.

1461
01:03:11,579 --> 01:03:13,748
It's about jingle, jangle in this life.
Awareness! Aware...

1462
01:03:13,831 --> 01:03:15,958
No, you need to find the way.

1463
01:03:16,042 --> 01:03:19,003
Well, Nietzsche said
there is no way, there's only my way.

1464
01:03:19,504 --> 01:03:21,255
Then find Nietzsche's way.

1465
01:03:21,339 --> 01:03:22,757
Then find your way.

1466
01:03:22,840 --> 01:03:24,008
I have to find a way.

1467
01:03:24,091 --> 01:03:26,010
So, I... I turned to literature.

1468
01:03:26,511 --> 01:03:27,345
I, uh...

1469
01:03:27,428 --> 01:03:28,262
[audience laughing]

1470
01:03:28,346 --> 01:03:31,015
I was reading <i>Lolita</i> at the time.
It is what it is.

1471
01:03:32,016 --> 01:03:34,560
And I was very taken
with the language of Vladimir Nabokov.

1472
01:03:34,644 --> 01:03:36,312
I mean, who... who wouldn't be, you know?

1473
01:03:36,395 --> 01:03:39,774
I'll admit, I was probably reading it
in a slightly performative fashion.

1474
01:03:39,857 --> 01:03:42,985
I was reading it, to be clear, every word,
but I did most enjoy reading it

1475
01:03:43,069 --> 01:03:46,239
in the windows of pizza shops
in my field hockey kilt, you know.

1476
01:03:46,322 --> 01:03:49,450
Just cover visible, daring adults
that walk by to be shocked, you know,

1477
01:03:49,534 --> 01:03:52,745
just, "I'm sorry. Are you working
through the Russian greats?"

1478
01:03:52,829 --> 01:03:54,789
"I doubt it, you suburban hogs."

1479
01:03:54,872 --> 01:03:57,583
[audience laughing and applauding]

1480
01:03:57,667 --> 01:04:01,045
But I'm there. I'm there,
and it's the same old concerns.

1481
01:04:01,128 --> 01:04:02,839
You know, no words. No dignity.

1482
01:04:02,922 --> 01:04:05,800
Looking stupid, sounding stupid,
dragging a tooth, all of it, and I go,

1483
01:04:05,883 --> 01:04:07,802
"All right, all right, "I can't narrate."

1484
01:04:07,885 --> 01:04:11,597
"But what if I imagine someone else is?
What if I imagine Vladimir Nabokov is?"

1485
01:04:11,681 --> 01:04:15,017
"What if I imagine this isn't real,"
you know, "this is just a..." [sighs]

1486
01:04:15,101 --> 01:04:18,896
"I'm just a character in a short story
written by Vladimir Nabokov,

1487
01:04:18,980 --> 01:04:22,859
then no matter how badly
this attempt at a blow job goes, I mean,

1488
01:04:22,942 --> 01:04:26,571
in Nabokov's deft pen,
would the prose not sparkle?"

1489
01:04:27,196 --> 01:04:29,282
I mean, isn't it all literature in a way?

1490
01:04:29,365 --> 01:04:32,702
Isn't it all text upon text upon text,
you know?

1491
01:04:32,785 --> 01:04:35,830
[groans] And in literature, things can't
go badly. They can only be interesting.

1492
01:04:35,913 --> 01:04:37,999
The ways that go badly
are just the interesting details

1493
01:04:38,082 --> 01:04:39,959
that bring textures to the story,
and I go,

1494
01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:41,961
"What if the worst happens?
What if that happens?"

1495
01:04:42,044 --> 01:04:44,046
"Don't get ahead of yourself.
What if that happens?"

1496
01:04:44,130 --> 01:04:46,549
"What if you bite this dick clean off?"

1497
01:04:46,632 --> 01:04:48,092
[audience laughing]

1498
01:04:48,175 --> 01:04:50,177
I go, "Well then,
you're likely living inside

1499
01:04:50,261 --> 01:04:52,763
of the most iconic story
in the collection."

1500
01:04:52,847 --> 01:04:55,433
"The one where she bites the dick off."

1501
01:04:55,933 --> 01:04:58,227
And so I go,
"It's not real. It's literature."

1502
01:04:58,311 --> 01:05:00,479
"It's all text in the end. Oh."

1503
01:05:00,563 --> 01:05:03,566
"Moonlight," it's not my finest.
"Moonlight." Start with the moon, yo.

1504
01:05:03,649 --> 01:05:07,945
"Moonlight streams in on the south face
of a young man's penis."

1505
01:05:08,029 --> 01:05:10,031
"A girl with brown hair

1506
01:05:10,114 --> 01:05:12,867
with red undertones
that often go unnoticed..."

1507
01:05:12,950 --> 01:05:14,660
[audience laughing]

1508
01:05:14,744 --> 01:05:18,456
"...fumbles her way
onto the simple cylinder..."

1509
01:05:18,539 --> 01:05:19,749
[muffled] ...penis...

1510
01:05:19,832 --> 01:05:23,085
It's not real...
[muffled narration continues]

1511
01:05:23,169 --> 01:05:27,715
...an American citizen...

1512
01:05:27,798 --> 01:05:32,011
[muffled narration continues]

1513
01:05:32,094 --> 01:05:33,471
[audience laughing]

1514
01:05:34,347 --> 01:05:37,099
And then I'm doing it.
I'm doing it. I'm on that dick!

1515
01:05:37,183 --> 01:05:40,561
[audience applauding and cheering]

1516
01:05:40,645 --> 01:05:43,439
Thank you. [chuckles]
Thank you. Thank you.

1517
01:05:43,522 --> 01:05:46,651
Uh, I know it might have sounded
a little close to dissociation

1518
01:05:46,734 --> 01:05:48,486
for some of you there for a minute.

1519
01:05:48,569 --> 01:05:50,738
Not what we want for our girls.

1520
01:05:50,821 --> 01:05:55,159
Okay, "Oh, things don't happen to me.
They happen to her, of course. Who? Her."

1521
01:05:56,452 --> 01:05:59,497
When things get hairy in my life,
I go to a little room in my brain.

1522
01:05:59,580 --> 01:06:01,874
I might live very small,
I watch a tiny television.

1523
01:06:01,958 --> 01:06:03,960
Only droll things. Oh, yes.

1524
01:06:04,043 --> 01:06:06,587
Sometimes the little screen tries
to show me what's happening to me

1525
01:06:06,671 --> 01:06:07,797
in my real and hideous life.

1526
01:06:07,880 --> 01:06:09,966
I feel for the clicker, and I...

1527
01:06:10,049 --> 01:06:12,176
No, this was not dissociation.

1528
01:06:12,259 --> 01:06:16,847
No, this... this was me with an idea.
This was transcendence of the ego.

1529
01:06:16,931 --> 01:06:18,516
Oh. There's a difference,

1530
01:06:18,599 --> 01:06:20,935
and it got me on that dick,
and I was cooking.

1531
01:06:21,018 --> 01:06:22,186
I was really cooking.

1532
01:06:22,269 --> 01:06:23,854
There were no screams of pain.

1533
01:06:23,938 --> 01:06:26,565
It seemed to just have
an internal poetry to it.

1534
01:06:26,649 --> 01:06:29,151
Like I always thought it should, you know?

1535
01:06:29,235 --> 01:06:30,987
[exhales] And before I knew it,

1536
01:06:31,070 --> 01:06:34,907
he ejaculated semen into my mouth
as they say, you know the expression.

1537
01:06:34,991 --> 01:06:37,076
[audience laughing]

1538
01:06:37,159 --> 01:06:39,245
And I swallowed it
'cause I'm a Tony Robbins reader,

1539
01:06:39,328 --> 01:06:40,538
and I don't cut corners.

1540
01:06:40,621 --> 01:06:43,290
[audience applauding and cheering]

1541
01:06:43,958 --> 01:06:45,501
Now I always knew.

1542
01:06:45,584 --> 01:06:48,713
I always knew I'd swallow it.
That... that was never a point of neuroses.

1543
01:06:48,796 --> 01:06:50,548
I knew there was an easy way,
a difficult way.

1544
01:06:50,631 --> 01:06:52,800
I'm gonna default to the difficult way
to pick up points.

1545
01:06:52,883 --> 01:06:56,220
I'm a sort of 3.7-in-the-AP-course-load
kind of gal.

1546
01:06:56,929 --> 01:06:59,682
Not a 4.0 in a lesser class, so yeah.

1547
01:06:59,765 --> 01:07:02,268
Yeah, I'm gonna swallow it
and let the chips fall where they do,

1548
01:07:02,351 --> 01:07:04,395
and it was a triumph.

1549
01:07:04,478 --> 01:07:06,147
I mean, it was a goddamn triumph.

1550
01:07:06,230 --> 01:07:08,024
I wanted to write
my college essay about it,

1551
01:07:08,107 --> 01:07:10,067
but I knew they couldn't handle it.

1552
01:07:10,151 --> 01:07:11,694
[audience laughing]

1553
01:07:11,777 --> 01:07:13,904
They didn't have the sophistication.

1554
01:07:13,988 --> 01:07:17,324
No, not the guidance counselors,
not the deans, not one of them.

1555
01:07:17,408 --> 01:07:18,617
Not like you people.

1556
01:07:18,701 --> 01:07:20,411
[audience laughing]

1557
01:07:20,494 --> 01:07:22,329
But I knew... I knew what I had done,

1558
01:07:22,872 --> 01:07:26,333
and I went off to college, you know,
feeling pretty good about myself.

1559
01:07:26,834 --> 01:07:30,254
And it was interesting because
it was a sort of Catholic-ish college.

1560
01:07:30,337 --> 01:07:33,716
At the very least, there were a lot
of Catholic virgin boys in neckties

1561
01:07:33,799 --> 01:07:35,134
sort of scurrying about the place,

1562
01:07:35,217 --> 01:07:38,012
scrambling for sexual experience
at parties.

1563
01:07:38,095 --> 01:07:41,640
You know, very crass, not me.
I had done the coursework in high school.

1564
01:07:41,724 --> 01:07:42,641
[audience chuckling]

1565
01:07:42,725 --> 01:07:44,185
And I'm a Jew, so if anything

1566
01:07:44,268 --> 01:07:47,063
I felt like a kind of Philip Roth figure
among them.

1567
01:07:47,730 --> 01:07:50,232
I felt like
a Jewish pervert ready to teach.

1568
01:07:50,316 --> 01:07:51,150
[audience laughing]

1569
01:07:51,233 --> 01:07:55,237
Sensational if you can pull it off.
I highly recommend.

1570
01:07:56,322 --> 01:07:59,450
But at this time, I was really
in no hurry to blow anyone.

1571
01:07:59,533 --> 01:08:02,078
To me, the blow job,
it was just a conquered thing, you know.

1572
01:08:02,161 --> 01:08:04,997
It was an art form
I... I had mastered in a basic way,

1573
01:08:05,081 --> 01:08:08,000
I had a working definition of,
and now I can think about how I might

1574
01:08:08,084 --> 01:08:10,503
eventually wanna meaningfully subvert
that art form.

1575
01:08:10,586 --> 01:08:15,841
I was... I was asking big questions like,
"What... what can the blow job mean?"

1576
01:08:17,384 --> 01:08:20,346
You know,
"Can the blow job be a love letter...

1577
01:08:20,429 --> 01:08:21,639
[audience chuckling]

1578
01:08:21,722 --> 01:08:23,682
...if there's enough love behind it?"

1579
01:08:24,266 --> 01:08:30,022
"Can the blow job be a poem?
My body, a crude but ecstatic language."

1580
01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:32,066
I was in a lot of philosophy classes,

1581
01:08:32,149 --> 01:08:35,486
and it was all very post-modern
and inspiring.

1582
01:08:35,569 --> 01:08:38,364
And at this time when I eventually
came across someone I really liked,

1583
01:08:38,447 --> 01:08:40,116
a French fry, so to speak...

1584
01:08:40,199 --> 01:08:43,911
- [audience laughing]
- I blew them, I mean, I simply blew them.

1585
01:08:43,994 --> 01:08:46,705
Do you see?
Not right away, but pretty quickly.

1586
01:08:46,789 --> 01:08:47,748
[audience laughing]

1587
01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:50,876
I mean, why wouldn't I? Do you see,
this was what all the work was for.

1588
01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:54,004
It was as effortless as eating a fry.
My lexicon was ready.

1589
01:08:54,088 --> 01:08:56,841
This was my symphony
and my symphony played beautifully.

1590
01:08:56,924 --> 01:08:57,758
[pants]

1591
01:08:57,842 --> 01:09:00,094
Was there a let-down after? I don't know.

1592
01:09:00,177 --> 01:09:02,346
I wasn't expecting a marriage proposal.

1593
01:09:02,429 --> 01:09:05,391
- I wouldn't have been shocked by one.
- [audience laughing]

1594
01:09:05,474 --> 01:09:08,727
But I wasn't expecting one. No.
Can a blow job be a love letter?

1595
01:09:08,811 --> 01:09:09,854
Yes, yes, it can.

1596
01:09:09,937 --> 01:09:13,607
It doesn't mean that they'll love you back
and that's okay 'cause we know.

1597
01:09:13,691 --> 01:09:15,776
We know, we know, as artists,

1598
01:09:16,527 --> 01:09:18,320
we're only entitled to our labor,

1599
01:09:18,404 --> 01:09:20,781
not the fruits of our labor.

1600
01:09:21,866 --> 01:09:24,034
Yeah, I think
what bummed me out at the time

1601
01:09:24,118 --> 01:09:28,330
was more the sort of, um,
prevailing council of friends, you know.

1602
01:09:28,414 --> 01:09:30,457
There was this sort of prevailing idea,
this sort of,

1603
01:09:30,541 --> 01:09:34,670
"Well, you know, you're a modern gal
so have your fun here and there of course,

1604
01:09:34,753 --> 01:09:38,507
but if you really like someone, oh,
'You really like this one, ' you said...

1605
01:09:39,008 --> 01:09:40,801
[whispering] ...then you take it slow."
You know?

1606
01:09:40,885 --> 01:09:42,761
"Oh. Take it slow."

1607
01:09:42,845 --> 01:09:44,847
- [audience laughing]
- "Good to be not too available."

1608
01:09:44,930 --> 01:09:46,724
[muffled] "Take it slow... Then you hook..."

1609
01:09:46,807 --> 01:09:47,808
Ew.

1610
01:09:47,892 --> 01:09:49,226
[audience laughing]

1611
01:09:49,310 --> 01:09:51,937
Ew. Ew, no.

1612
01:09:52,021 --> 01:09:54,607
No, I will not take it slow.

1613
01:09:54,690 --> 01:09:55,566
No.

1614
01:09:55,649 --> 01:09:57,776
The hubris astonishes.

1615
01:09:57,860 --> 01:09:59,445
Death is coming.

1616
01:09:59,528 --> 01:10:00,738
[audience laughing]

1617
01:10:00,821 --> 01:10:02,489
Death is coming.

1618
01:10:02,573 --> 01:10:05,034
And you gotta try to forget
to get through the day.

1619
01:10:05,117 --> 01:10:06,994
You gotta think of yourself
as the lead actor

1620
01:10:07,077 --> 01:10:08,829
in the television series of your life.

1621
01:10:08,913 --> 01:10:12,041
You're gonna go, "They're not killing off
my character anytime soon. I'm in..."

1622
01:10:12,124 --> 01:10:14,668
"I'm in every scene.
I think we're good here."

1623
01:10:15,252 --> 01:10:18,380
But what if you're not the lead actor?
I mean, there are other characters.

1624
01:10:18,464 --> 01:10:20,966
What if you're not even in the show?
What if you're Steven Tanzer?

1625
01:10:21,050 --> 01:10:23,636
That's an actor friend of mine.
Very unsuccessful.

1626
01:10:23,719 --> 01:10:25,054
[audience laughing]

1627
01:10:25,137 --> 01:10:26,305
Almost no roles.

1628
01:10:26,388 --> 01:10:28,390
[audience chuckling]

1629
01:10:28,474 --> 01:10:30,684
- It's the darkest line in the show.
- [audience laughing]

1630
01:10:31,268 --> 01:10:33,229
And it's not a real man's name, okay?

1631
01:10:33,312 --> 01:10:36,190
I would never do that to a man.
I could never do...

1632
01:10:36,273 --> 01:10:37,608
But in some ways, it's worse,

1633
01:10:37,691 --> 01:10:41,528
'cause I conjure Steven Tanzer nightly
only to destroy him.

1634
01:10:41,612 --> 01:10:45,241
He lives and dies but to serve
as a single illustrative detail

1635
01:10:45,324 --> 01:10:47,243
in my narrative argument.

1636
01:10:47,326 --> 01:10:48,577
A fate I wish on few.

1637
01:10:48,661 --> 01:10:49,536
[chuckles]

1638
01:10:50,371 --> 01:10:52,915
But death is coming and I have this idea.

1639
01:10:52,998 --> 01:10:56,085
I have this idea as you know
that you shed the form, you shed the flesh

1640
01:10:56,168 --> 01:10:58,420
and the indignities are left
behind with it,

1641
01:10:58,504 --> 01:11:01,173
but I'm not so sure
the embarrassments don't continue.

1642
01:11:01,257 --> 01:11:03,425
Why wouldn't they, you know.

1643
01:11:03,509 --> 01:11:07,554
I know... I know that I feel embarrassment
for certain dead relatives of mine.

1644
01:11:08,055 --> 01:11:09,265
And really most of them.

1645
01:11:09,348 --> 01:11:12,726
You know, when I look at photos of them,
beautiful photos in beautiful frames,

1646
01:11:12,810 --> 01:11:15,020
I mean, I'm talking
about the real piano toppers

1647
01:11:15,104 --> 01:11:16,563
in my parent's home,

1648
01:11:16,647 --> 01:11:20,317
I look at these photos of them and
I can't shake it, they look dumb to me.

1649
01:11:20,401 --> 01:11:23,654
They look foolish 'cause I can see
in their eyes that in the photo,

1650
01:11:23,737 --> 01:11:26,282
they don't realize that they're dead now.

1651
01:11:26,365 --> 01:11:28,659
[audience laughing]

1652
01:11:28,742 --> 01:11:30,119
They look like suckers.

1653
01:11:30,619 --> 01:11:33,414
I just wanna go, "You're dead.
You're dead. You're dead." You know?

1654
01:11:33,497 --> 01:11:35,624
[audience laughing]

1655
01:11:36,208 --> 01:11:39,670
All you gotta do... all you gotta do is try
when someone takes a photo of you

1656
01:11:39,753 --> 01:11:41,797
to just give a hint of a knowing glance.

1657
01:11:41,880 --> 01:11:43,299
I mean, something, just...

1658
01:11:44,425 --> 01:11:46,760
[audience laughing and applauding]

1659
01:11:46,844 --> 01:11:50,764
Just something that, should you die,
you know, and someone looks at a photo,

1660
01:11:50,848 --> 01:11:52,391
they can tell you know whence you stare,

1661
01:11:52,474 --> 01:11:54,393
and "I'm coming to collect you
one of these days."

1662
01:11:55,436 --> 01:11:59,398
So I'm in college... I'm in college,
and I'm very aware that death is coming.

1663
01:11:59,481 --> 01:12:02,192
I'm no spring chicken.
So I feel like if I have love to give

1664
01:12:02,276 --> 01:12:05,946
and this eloquent blow job
with which to express it,

1665
01:12:06,030 --> 01:12:07,156
I'm going to.

1666
01:12:07,239 --> 01:12:08,991
And I do, and I stand by it.

1667
01:12:10,367 --> 01:12:12,328
But then I go home for a winter break

1668
01:12:12,411 --> 01:12:16,165
and I run into
the old blow job triumph boyfriend

1669
01:12:16,248 --> 01:12:17,958
from my senior year,

1670
01:12:18,042 --> 01:12:21,962
and you know we go to the diner
so we can eat eggs at night and uh...

1671
01:12:22,046 --> 01:12:23,088
[audience laughing]

1672
01:12:23,172 --> 01:12:25,090
...you know, drink our coffee black now.

1673
01:12:25,174 --> 01:12:27,301
We don't need
this container of sugar packets.

1674
01:12:27,384 --> 01:12:30,554
"Oh, it stays on the table? Fair enough.
I don't know why as we won't be using it."

1675
01:12:30,637 --> 01:12:33,307
- [audience laughing]
- "We drink our coffee black now."

1676
01:12:34,475 --> 01:12:37,394
But we're talking now,
we're talking like old army buddies.

1677
01:12:37,478 --> 01:12:39,772
[chuckling] It's been however many months
since graduation,

1678
01:12:39,855 --> 01:12:41,899
but we're just talking
with this grand perspective,

1679
01:12:41,982 --> 01:12:43,442
so naturally I'm telling him

1680
01:12:43,525 --> 01:12:46,653
about the latest guy
that I really like at school,

1681
01:12:46,737 --> 01:12:49,490
and I say something
to the old blow job boyfriend, like,

1682
01:12:49,573 --> 01:12:51,867
"Yeah, I just can't tell
if this guy I like

1683
01:12:51,950 --> 01:12:54,912
likes me quite as much as I like him."

1684
01:12:55,621 --> 01:12:59,291
And the old blowjob boyfriend goes,
"Well, maybe he's intimidated by you."

1685
01:12:59,792 --> 01:13:01,752
"Yeah, like I was."

1686
01:13:02,252 --> 01:13:04,296
- "Still am in some ways."
- [audience chuckling]

1687
01:13:04,380 --> 01:13:08,133
"Never really relaxed around you
our entire relationship senior year

1688
01:13:09,009 --> 01:13:13,222
ever since that first night we hung out
when you just randomly blew me."

1689
01:13:13,305 --> 01:13:16,475
[audience laughing and applauding]

1690
01:13:16,558 --> 01:13:17,935
"It was just so random."

1691
01:13:18,852 --> 01:13:20,687
"The way you just blew me, blew me."

1692
01:13:20,771 --> 01:13:23,649
- "It was just... random house."
- [audience laughing]

1693
01:13:23,732 --> 01:13:28,195
"It was Penguin Random House,
the way you just blew me, blew me."

1694
01:13:28,278 --> 01:13:31,782
Kept hitting the "B." Blew me. Blew me.
I was like, "Oh God."

1695
01:13:31,865 --> 01:13:35,202
Like... like, what did I become?

1696
01:13:35,285 --> 01:13:38,330
Like, through my fear,
I was blinded to the prospect

1697
01:13:38,414 --> 01:13:42,709
that I, too, can make another afraid,
and this is how the cycle continues.

1698
01:13:42,793 --> 01:13:44,002
[audience laughing]

1699
01:13:44,086 --> 01:13:46,171
But then I was like,
"Wait, no. Excuse me, how rude."

1700
01:13:46,255 --> 01:13:48,966
"No. Like, you're not
the innocent, afraid one in this story."

1701
01:13:49,049 --> 01:13:51,385
"I'm the innocent,
afraid one in this story

1702
01:13:51,468 --> 01:13:53,429
who was conquering a fear on this day."

1703
01:13:53,512 --> 01:13:56,181
"Like, how dare you rob me
of my origin story here?"

1704
01:13:56,265 --> 01:13:59,726
"Like, how dare you try to turn me
into the scary, slut villain, you know."

1705
01:13:59,810 --> 01:14:02,729
No. No, I was intimidating
on that day perhaps

1706
01:14:02,813 --> 01:14:06,066
but... but... but only in the way
Batman's intimidating, you know.

1707
01:14:06,567 --> 01:14:09,236
You know, yes, Batman's intimidating,
but how dare you.

1708
01:14:09,319 --> 01:14:12,156
How dare you look at Batman
and not remember that Batman's only Batman

1709
01:14:12,239 --> 01:14:14,199
'cause Batman was a little boy

1710
01:14:15,200 --> 01:14:18,912
whose parents were killed brutally
outside that theater.

1711
01:14:18,996 --> 01:14:21,915
And the bats flew by,
so he was afraid of bats.

1712
01:14:21,999 --> 01:14:24,418
He had to go be in the cave
among the bats to emerge as Batman.

1713
01:14:24,501 --> 01:14:26,962
So if you see a Batman,
there's a fear of bats that preceded it.

1714
01:14:27,045 --> 01:14:30,007
If you see a strength, there's a fear
that's been turned inside out.

1715
01:14:30,090 --> 01:14:32,176
Overcompensation. Same story 1,000 times.

1716
01:14:32,259 --> 01:14:34,511
How dare you not see the little boy in me?

1717
01:14:34,595 --> 01:14:36,513
And he didn't get it,
and fair enough, you know.

1718
01:14:36,597 --> 01:14:37,556
[audience laughing]

1719
01:14:37,639 --> 01:14:39,766
I was imprecise, I guess.

1720
01:14:40,517 --> 01:14:43,395
And he's one of these people
who doesn't appreciate when you get up

1721
01:14:43,479 --> 01:14:45,105
and demonstrate something in a restaurant.

1722
01:14:45,189 --> 01:14:46,565
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]

1723
01:14:46,648 --> 01:14:49,860
That's pretty much
an essential part of my personality.

1724
01:14:49,943 --> 01:14:50,903
[audience laughing]

1725
01:14:50,986 --> 01:14:52,196
No one minds.

1726
01:14:52,821 --> 01:14:55,240
Little treat for the other tables,
I always say.

1727
01:14:55,324 --> 01:14:56,533
[audience laughing]

1728
01:14:57,367 --> 01:14:58,994
But he said something, he goes...

1729
01:15:00,162 --> 01:15:01,830
he goes, "I don't know, Jac."

1730
01:15:01,914 --> 01:15:05,584
And he shortened my name to Jac,
you know, just to really stick it to me.

1731
01:15:05,667 --> 01:15:08,378
He just knows me,
loves me, cares about me.

1732
01:15:08,462 --> 01:15:11,006
You know? Oh, he cares.
He cares about Jac.

1733
01:15:11,089 --> 01:15:12,466
He cares about his Jac.

1734
01:15:12,549 --> 01:15:15,302
"How's that sweatshirt treating you?
Keep it." You know.

1735
01:15:15,385 --> 01:15:17,262
[audience laughing]

1736
01:15:17,346 --> 01:15:18,555
"I don't know, Jac."

1737
01:15:19,556 --> 01:15:23,310
"Maybe a blow job's just not the way
to tell someone you like them."

1738
01:15:26,813 --> 01:15:28,565
[sighing] And I was like,

1739
01:15:29,441 --> 01:15:32,069
"I feel like with me, maybe it can be?"

1740
01:15:32,152 --> 01:15:34,321
[audience laughing]

1741
01:15:35,030 --> 01:15:36,782
I still believed, you know.

1742
01:15:38,116 --> 01:15:41,245
But I was a little freaked out... a little
freaked out walking away from that meal

1743
01:15:41,328 --> 01:15:44,248
'cause what he was describing was
pretty much exactly what I'd been up to

1744
01:15:44,331 --> 01:15:46,542
at the university for some time now.

1745
01:15:47,042 --> 01:15:49,753
And I started to wonder
if perhaps my poetic blow jobs

1746
01:15:49,836 --> 01:15:53,632
had not been received with the level
of nuance that I was intending them.

1747
01:15:54,132 --> 01:15:56,718
And I went back to school
just a broken Philip Roth.

1748
01:15:56,802 --> 01:15:59,471
I mean, no swagger. Batman's gone.
I don't know what to do with myself

1749
01:15:59,555 --> 01:16:01,807
other than walk around campus
just being cold,

1750
01:16:01,890 --> 01:16:05,519
just cutting a lot of diagonals
across various quads,

1751
01:16:05,602 --> 01:16:07,437
asking myself sad questions.

1752
01:16:07,521 --> 01:16:10,315
"Does your poetry not hold water?"
You know.

1753
01:16:10,399 --> 01:16:12,859
"Do we not get to make
our own meanings in this life?"

1754
01:16:12,943 --> 01:16:17,906
"Are you just the slut who thought
the rules somehow didn't apply to her?"

1755
01:16:17,990 --> 01:16:20,492
And I could've put my arms
through the sleeves

1756
01:16:20,576 --> 01:16:22,035
of my North Face fleece, you know,

1757
01:16:22,119 --> 01:16:26,498
but why... why, when you can just
Éponine your way around the place?

1758
01:16:26,582 --> 01:16:28,542
[audience laughing]

1759
01:16:33,505 --> 01:16:36,300
And eventually I go, "No, we're not
doing that. We're not gonna do that."

1760
01:16:36,383 --> 01:16:38,468
"We're not gonna be sad about this,"
and I shook it off

1761
01:16:38,552 --> 01:16:40,387
and I forced a chuckle
until it felt natural.

1762
01:16:40,470 --> 01:16:43,515
Like, "No. Ha. No. Look at you.
Ha. Look at you."

1763
01:16:44,099 --> 01:16:47,603
"Look at you. You set out
to conqueror a fear, and you did."

1764
01:16:48,353 --> 01:16:50,272
"You give a confident blow job."

1765
01:16:51,273 --> 01:16:52,983
"Just like you always wanted to."

1766
01:16:53,066 --> 01:16:54,359
[audience laughing]

1767
01:16:54,443 --> 01:16:55,986
"A blow job so confident,

1768
01:16:56,987 --> 01:16:58,071
it terrifies men."

1769
01:16:58,155 --> 01:16:59,990
[audience laughing]

1770
01:17:00,073 --> 01:17:01,658
And yeah,

1771
01:17:02,326 --> 01:17:05,162
it's lonely at the top.

1772
01:17:05,245 --> 01:17:07,247
[audience laughing and applauding]

1773
01:17:08,582 --> 01:17:09,583
[chuckles]

1774
01:17:11,376 --> 01:17:14,880
But isn't that just
the cost of excellence? Indeed it is.

1775
01:17:14,963 --> 01:17:18,675
I join a long, lonely line
of tragic figures of excellence.

1776
01:17:18,759 --> 01:17:20,927
And would I have it any other way? No, no.

1777
01:17:21,011 --> 01:17:23,889
I'll take superhero and I gather...
I gather my fleece

1778
01:17:23,972 --> 01:17:27,059
and I try to force it to ripple
in an all-too-absent breeze.

1779
01:17:27,142 --> 01:17:29,436
- [audience chuckling]
- But I know who I am.

1780
01:17:30,646 --> 01:17:32,105
So several years later,

1781
01:17:32,189 --> 01:17:35,400
I'm in my twenties
and I'm in yet another Borders bookstore

1782
01:17:35,484 --> 01:17:37,569
with yet another boyfriend
'cause would you believe it,

1783
01:17:37,653 --> 01:17:38,945
they keep on coming.

1784
01:17:39,029 --> 01:17:40,155
[audience laughing]

1785
01:17:40,238 --> 01:17:43,533
And as usual, I will give
no distinguishing characteristics

1786
01:17:43,617 --> 01:17:45,869
to the latest boyfriend character
'cause clearly in the end

1787
01:17:45,952 --> 01:17:48,914
they're all just these containers
for my self-discovery, so...

1788
01:17:49,414 --> 01:17:51,708
What, you want a quirky detail?
We're not doing those.

1789
01:17:51,792 --> 01:17:54,002
"Oh, he tugs on his zipper
when he's nervous."

1790
01:17:54,086 --> 01:17:55,879
"He smelled like books and cigarettes."

1791
01:17:55,962 --> 01:17:57,673
No. No, they got the blow jobs.

1792
01:17:57,756 --> 01:17:58,882
I think that's enough.

1793
01:17:58,965 --> 01:18:00,008
[audience laughing]

1794
01:18:00,092 --> 01:18:03,220
They don't also get to be well-illustrated
by me here tonight,

1795
01:18:03,303 --> 01:18:06,181
but I tell you so you know,
it's the final male character

1796
01:18:06,264 --> 01:18:09,851
for you to conjure and hold separate
from the others in your head

1797
01:18:09,935 --> 01:18:11,645
for just a little bit longer, so...

1798
01:18:11,728 --> 01:18:15,232
I'm in a bookstore in my twenties
with this latest boyfriend

1799
01:18:15,315 --> 01:18:17,401
and I get a little wistful in a bookshop.

1800
01:18:17,484 --> 01:18:18,819
I can't help it, you know.

1801
01:18:18,902 --> 01:18:21,154
I'm flipping through the Sharon Olds.

1802
01:18:21,238 --> 01:18:23,490
I'm contemplating my girlhood journey.

1803
01:18:23,573 --> 01:18:25,283
I'm marveling misty-eyed
at the whole thing,

1804
01:18:25,367 --> 01:18:29,037
and so I tell the latest boyfriend
the entire story I've told you.

1805
01:18:29,538 --> 01:18:32,124
[audience laughing]

1806
01:18:33,333 --> 01:18:35,252
And I cry a little. Um...

1807
01:18:36,294 --> 01:18:40,006
Just 'cause frankly no one moves me
quite like me, I guess.

1808
01:18:40,090 --> 01:18:43,009
[audience laughing and applauding]

1809
01:18:43,593 --> 01:18:45,429
First I'm moved then I'm moved
by the very depth

1810
01:18:45,512 --> 01:18:47,931
of my own capacity to be moved.
It sort of goes from there.

1811
01:18:48,014 --> 01:18:49,850
He's not crying, which...
fair enough, I get it.

1812
01:18:49,933 --> 01:18:51,852
Everyone expresses emotion differently.

1813
01:18:52,436 --> 01:18:54,730
But I wonder if he's truly hearing me.
I say something like,

1814
01:18:54,813 --> 01:18:57,607
"I just feel like perhaps you take
for granted my perfect blow jobs

1815
01:18:57,691 --> 01:18:58,984
as this given, this crass fact."

1816
01:18:59,067 --> 01:19:01,027
Like, "Sure,
my girlfriend gives good head."

1817
01:19:01,111 --> 01:19:03,989
"But no, that power was hard-won
and with that comes great responsibility,

1818
01:19:04,072 --> 01:19:05,574
which I continue to negotiate to date."

1819
01:19:05,657 --> 01:19:08,452
"Did you hear the Batman part?
It was imprecise, but there was a spirit..."

1820
01:19:08,535 --> 01:19:11,288
I kept talking at his face
'cause his face looked weird.

1821
01:19:11,371 --> 01:19:12,456
[audience laughing]

1822
01:19:12,539 --> 01:19:16,251
Something was amiss and finally,
I get up the courage to just stop talking

1823
01:19:16,334 --> 01:19:17,627
and say, "What?"

1824
01:19:18,295 --> 01:19:20,756
And he goes like this,
he goes like this, he goes,

1825
01:19:22,382 --> 01:19:26,219
"No, it's just funny 'cause
you give kind of a toothy blow job."

1826
01:19:26,303 --> 01:19:29,890
[audience laughing]

1827
01:19:46,239 --> 01:19:48,283
[audience continues laughing]

1828
01:19:49,618 --> 01:19:52,537
[sighs] Oh, I can barely look
at you people just quite yet.

1829
01:19:52,621 --> 01:19:54,623
[audience chuckling]

1830
01:19:56,333 --> 01:19:57,167
Me.

1831
01:19:57,250 --> 01:19:58,335
[audience chuckling]

1832
01:19:59,252 --> 01:20:00,128
[exhales]

1833
01:20:00,212 --> 01:20:01,046
Me.

1834
01:20:01,129 --> 01:20:03,131
[audience chuckling]

1835
01:20:04,132 --> 01:20:08,720
No one was more worried
about the teeth than me.

1836
01:20:08,804 --> 01:20:09,888
[audience laughing]

1837
01:20:10,472 --> 01:20:14,184
The Greeks were right.
We... we can't escape our fates, I guess.

1838
01:20:14,267 --> 01:20:15,435
[audience laughing]

1839
01:20:15,519 --> 01:20:17,979
I was so worried about teeth,
I was the most worried about them.

1840
01:20:18,063 --> 01:20:20,440
When they didn't seem to be a problem,
I went the other way.

1841
01:20:20,524 --> 01:20:21,942
I bought into my own mythology.

1842
01:20:22,025 --> 01:20:24,361
"It's like the cave people. It works.
It's internal poetry."

1843
01:20:24,444 --> 01:20:27,030
And with that idea, that mythology,
they've been getting toothier.

1844
01:20:27,113 --> 01:20:27,948
I know it. For sure.

1845
01:20:28,031 --> 01:20:31,201
Every passing year, I know
this jaw has just been slacking in closed.

1846
01:20:31,284 --> 01:20:32,869
A couple of confident millimeters at a...

1847
01:20:32,953 --> 01:20:36,039
All the while I'm fancying myself
a tragic figure of blow job excellence.

1848
01:20:36,122 --> 01:20:40,126
This was my worst nightmare.
I was the fools. I was the two fools.

1849
01:20:40,210 --> 01:20:42,754
But I wasn't just someone
who liked themself, a confident... No.

1850
01:20:42,838 --> 01:20:46,049
I was the toothy blow job fool sisters.
Just on our knees blowing someone.

1851
01:20:46,132 --> 01:20:48,009
"Oh, best in the biz,
no one quite like us."

1852
01:20:48,093 --> 01:20:51,096
"How will we ever leave town?
Into the sunset must we go."

1853
01:20:51,179 --> 01:20:54,057
"Another satisfied customer.
Another satisfied community."

1854
01:20:54,140 --> 01:20:55,141
[audience laughing]

1855
01:20:55,225 --> 01:20:57,727
Oh God, just little smug little...

1856
01:20:57,811 --> 01:20:58,854
[groans]

1857
01:20:58,937 --> 01:21:01,731
No. I mean, you wanna deny it,
but if he felt teeth, he felt teeth.

1858
01:21:01,815 --> 01:21:04,901
What did you do,
ask for more feedback to try to save face?

1859
01:21:04,985 --> 01:21:07,654
"While we're here perhaps you have
some more constructive criticisms."

1860
01:21:07,737 --> 01:21:08,989
"I simply love to learn."

1861
01:21:09,072 --> 01:21:10,282
[audience chuckling]

1862
01:21:10,365 --> 01:21:13,785
Tony Robbins says
if you can learn to receive feedback

1863
01:21:13,869 --> 01:21:15,829
with courage, you can be a giant.

1864
01:21:16,413 --> 01:21:19,958
And I wanna be a giant, but who busts
someone's narrative like that.

1865
01:21:20,041 --> 01:21:22,002
All we have is our stories.

1866
01:21:22,711 --> 01:21:25,839
With a little term, "toothy blow job"
that he likely learned at 14,

1867
01:21:25,922 --> 01:21:28,675
hasn't revised even a single time
with his own language,

1868
01:21:28,758 --> 01:21:30,468
just throws it at me and destroys me.

1869
01:21:30,552 --> 01:21:32,387
And I feel wronged.

1870
01:21:32,470 --> 01:21:34,431
I feel... I feel so wronged.

1871
01:21:34,514 --> 01:21:37,017
And why, and it's 'cause... [exhaling]

1872
01:21:37,100 --> 01:21:40,604
I know that I cast
the most generous gaze upon him, you know?

1873
01:21:40,687 --> 01:21:42,606
I poeticize all of his flaws in real time.

1874
01:21:42,689 --> 01:21:44,858
I love to poeticize a flaw, you know?

1875
01:21:44,941 --> 01:21:46,735
And yes, I coddle the male ego.

1876
01:21:46,818 --> 01:21:48,069
But it's real, you know,

1877
01:21:48,153 --> 01:21:51,865
a thousand things throughout the day
just to bolster the male spirit.

1878
01:21:51,948 --> 01:21:55,076
You know, 1,000 unspoken things,
a constant vigilance, sort of.

1879
01:21:55,160 --> 01:21:58,371
Keeping up a steady stream
of laughter going under a man's speech

1880
01:21:58,455 --> 01:22:01,541
just in case anything he says
is intended as humorous.

1881
01:22:02,042 --> 01:22:05,587
I have to lay a base... [laughing]
...so there's something to modulate.

1882
01:22:05,670 --> 01:22:08,673
- "Oh, it's supposed to be funny?" [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

1883
01:22:08,757 --> 01:22:11,843
Right? If it's a dry riverbed,
the pops aren't believable.

1884
01:22:11,927 --> 01:22:13,470
I'm brilliant in a restaurant.

1885
01:22:13,553 --> 01:22:16,389
You know, if a man I'm with...
if he makes an error in his order,

1886
01:22:16,473 --> 01:22:20,435
like he orders tahini,
he meant tabouli, and now he's confused

1887
01:22:20,518 --> 01:22:22,687
why "salad dressing"
has arrived at the table.

1888
01:22:22,771 --> 01:22:24,522
"Where's my tahini?" he says.

1889
01:22:24,606 --> 01:22:26,483
What do I do?
I go along on the mystery with him.

1890
01:22:26,566 --> 01:22:29,527
"Oh I have no clue what happened. I was
totally spaced out like I always am."

1891
01:22:29,611 --> 01:22:32,906
"You know me, the ditz. But let me
grab a lantern, I love a mystery."

1892
01:22:32,989 --> 01:22:33,823
[audience laughing]

1893
01:22:33,907 --> 01:22:36,242
"The only thing I know for sure is
the answer to this riddle,

1894
01:22:36,326 --> 01:22:38,787
it couldn't be, it would never be,
that you didn't know a word."

1895
01:22:38,870 --> 01:22:39,871
[audience laughing]

1896
01:22:39,955 --> 01:22:41,915
The D chord. I mean the D chord.

1897
01:22:41,998 --> 01:22:43,625
I've learned 1,000 D chords

1898
01:22:43,708 --> 01:22:47,379
on 1,000 guitars
from 1,000 musician boyfriends.

1899
01:22:47,462 --> 01:22:52,217
I know how to form the D chord by now,
but show me again, bright angel, you know.

1900
01:22:52,300 --> 01:22:53,343
[audience laughing]

1901
01:22:53,426 --> 01:22:55,929
"That's not it. That's not it.
Help me move my fingers."

1902
01:22:56,012 --> 01:22:58,390
"Help me make music."

1903
01:22:59,057 --> 01:23:00,642
It's a... it's a vigilance.

1904
01:23:00,725 --> 01:23:03,645
It's a child-proofing,
just sort of laying down bumpers.

1905
01:23:03,728 --> 01:23:05,397
Like, quick, quick, set them up.

1906
01:23:05,480 --> 01:23:07,399
He's almost here. He's almost here.

1907
01:23:07,482 --> 01:23:10,235
Is everything ready?
Make sure. He's almost here.

1908
01:23:10,318 --> 01:23:11,319
Just making sure.

1909
01:23:11,403 --> 01:23:15,073
Just making sure, you know, that it's safe
for the man to kind of just...

1910
01:23:15,573 --> 01:23:17,200
toddle on through his day

1911
01:23:18,076 --> 01:23:19,494
like a drunken king,

1912
01:23:19,995 --> 01:23:24,874
having no clue how many times he came
this close to emotionally just perishing,

1913
01:23:24,958 --> 01:23:26,876
if not for my intervention alone.

1914
01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:29,546
Just getting things out of the way
and just watching you carefully.

1915
01:23:29,629 --> 01:23:32,215
[audience laughing]

1916
01:23:32,924 --> 01:23:35,844
Every guy, you know.
Every guy I've, like, dated, met,

1917
01:23:35,927 --> 01:23:37,971
worked for, worked for me,

1918
01:23:38,471 --> 01:23:39,305
all of them.

1919
01:23:40,140 --> 01:23:42,892
[sighs] Poeticizing their flaw,
and I love to do it.

1920
01:23:42,976 --> 01:23:44,936
And I do it without breaking a sweat.

1921
01:23:45,854 --> 01:23:47,605
To not do the same for me

1922
01:23:47,689 --> 01:23:49,107
on just this one thing?

1923
01:23:49,190 --> 01:23:51,568
You know, to not return the favor,

1924
01:23:51,651 --> 01:23:55,071
to not be able to find the beauty
in the toothy blow job,

1925
01:23:55,697 --> 01:23:57,240
when it's barely obscured.

1926
01:23:57,323 --> 01:24:00,326
I don't even think this is a hard one,
to not be able to romanticize something

1927
01:24:00,410 --> 01:24:03,663
as easily romanticizable
as a toothy blow job.

1928
01:24:03,747 --> 01:24:06,207
I mean, have you no poetic eye, sir?

1929
01:24:06,291 --> 01:24:09,753
Just no clue what makes anything
in this life good at all?

1930
01:24:09,836 --> 01:24:10,670
[exhales]

1931
01:24:10,754 --> 01:24:13,339
And I wanted to defend myself,
you know, you know,

1932
01:24:13,423 --> 01:24:16,301
but then I remembered that idea
that with every additional word you speak,

1933
01:24:16,384 --> 01:24:17,552
you lose power, you know.

1934
01:24:17,635 --> 01:24:19,471
The greatest defense
is to say nothing at all.

1935
01:24:19,554 --> 01:24:20,388
[exhales]

1936
01:24:20,472 --> 01:24:22,223
That's never really been my power.

1937
01:24:22,307 --> 01:24:23,933
[audience laughing]

1938
01:24:24,017 --> 01:24:28,271
My power has always been more like
already been talking for quite some time.

1939
01:24:28,354 --> 01:24:29,731
[audience laughing]

1940
01:24:30,523 --> 01:24:33,943
Might as well keep talking
to try to get it right.

1941
01:24:34,694 --> 01:24:38,656
The courage, the audacity
to offer diminishing returns.

1942
01:24:38,740 --> 01:24:40,658
[audience laughing]

1943
01:24:40,742 --> 01:24:43,495
So I say to him,
I say to him, "You're right."

1944
01:24:43,995 --> 01:24:44,954
"You're right."

1945
01:24:45,038 --> 01:24:46,164
[sighing]

1946
01:24:46,247 --> 01:24:47,499
I give a toothy blow job.

1947
01:24:47,999 --> 01:24:49,501
I give a toothy blow job.

1948
01:24:51,336 --> 01:24:52,879
I give a toothy blow job.

1949
01:24:53,713 --> 01:24:55,256
And that's on purpose.

1950
01:24:55,340 --> 01:24:57,217
- [audience chuckling]
- Yeah.

1951
01:24:57,717 --> 01:25:00,970
'Cause teeth,
teeth make a blow job a blow job.

1952
01:25:03,056 --> 01:25:03,890
Yeah.

1953
01:25:03,973 --> 01:25:04,933
[audience laughing]

1954
01:25:05,016 --> 01:25:06,184
Because teeth...

1955
01:25:06,684 --> 01:25:07,685
Because teeth...

1956
01:25:13,149 --> 01:25:14,818
Teeth make a blow job a blow job

1957
01:25:14,901 --> 01:25:19,072
because teeth are
how you know you're in a mouth.

1958
01:25:19,155 --> 01:25:21,908
[audience laughing and applauding]

1959
01:25:21,991 --> 01:25:27,038
Teeth are the reminder
that you're in a mouth at all.

1960
01:25:28,248 --> 01:25:31,376
What even is my mouth
if it does not have teeth?

1961
01:25:31,459 --> 01:25:32,460
[audience laughing]

1962
01:25:32,544 --> 01:25:34,879
Just... just another perfect orifice?

1963
01:25:34,963 --> 01:25:37,924
Just a roomier version
of orifices we already have.

1964
01:25:38,007 --> 01:25:42,929
Just another anus, another vagina,
another greased-up tit canal.

1965
01:25:43,012 --> 01:25:44,305
[audience laughing]

1966
01:25:44,389 --> 01:25:48,351
Just yet another way
to smoothly squeeze a dick

1967
01:25:48,434 --> 01:25:52,147
so it may feel
pure uncomplicated pleasure yet again.

1968
01:25:52,230 --> 01:25:55,525
No, no, no, that is not meaningful or hot
in the way a blow job can be.

1969
01:25:55,608 --> 01:25:58,528
The blow job, it is about something more,

1970
01:25:58,611 --> 01:25:59,779
and it is the teeth.

1971
01:25:59,863 --> 01:26:01,823
It is the teeth that make it so.

1972
01:26:01,906 --> 01:26:02,907
[audience chuckling]

1973
01:26:03,616 --> 01:26:05,702
The teeth in the blow job,

1974
01:26:05,785 --> 01:26:08,163
they're the seeds in the watermelon.

1975
01:26:08,246 --> 01:26:09,622
[audience chuckling]

1976
01:26:13,501 --> 01:26:16,296
They keep the pleasure
from being too complete.

1977
01:26:16,379 --> 01:26:20,550
The teeth in the blow job,
they're the sand that irritates the oyster

1978
01:26:20,633 --> 01:26:22,635
that produces the pearl.

1979
01:26:23,344 --> 01:26:25,263
They're the sea salt in the caramel.

1980
01:26:25,346 --> 01:26:28,892
Remember in 2012, when they felt
they had to go wide with that?

1981
01:26:28,975 --> 01:26:29,851
[audience laughing]

1982
01:26:29,934 --> 01:26:31,686
Some of the caramel people realized

1983
01:26:31,769 --> 01:26:33,646
we'd all grown too accustomed
to the taste.

1984
01:26:33,730 --> 01:26:37,275
They said, "We need to put a reminder,
something in every damn bite."

1985
01:26:37,358 --> 01:26:41,529
"Something that says, 'No, sweetness
is not guaranteed in this life.'"

1986
01:26:42,113 --> 01:26:45,283
No, the blow job,
it is inherently a flawed prospect.

1987
01:26:45,366 --> 01:26:47,869
It's a flailing human kind of spectacle.

1988
01:26:47,952 --> 01:26:50,163
It's almost a bad idea.

1989
01:26:50,246 --> 01:26:51,456
[audience laughing]

1990
01:26:51,539 --> 01:26:52,498
It almost doesn't work,

1991
01:26:52,582 --> 01:26:55,418
but then the ways you make it work
nonetheless are that which make it work

1992
01:26:55,501 --> 01:26:56,836
and that's what's moving about it.

1993
01:26:56,920 --> 01:26:59,214
It's like the little rubber guy
in the cereal box,

1994
01:26:59,297 --> 01:27:01,216
the little gummy guy
you throw against the wall

1995
01:27:01,299 --> 01:27:05,053
and he clings, but then he fails,
but tries and fails, and tries and fails,

1996
01:27:05,136 --> 01:27:07,680
and through his trying and failing
and trying, he appears to crawl.

1997
01:27:07,764 --> 01:27:10,183
And that's why we love him.
That's what makes him a prize.

1998
01:27:10,266 --> 01:27:13,269
That's why we dig
through the grains for him

1999
01:27:13,353 --> 01:27:16,606
before we've earned him through
the steady, daily eating of the cereal.

2000
01:27:16,689 --> 01:27:20,360
- The blow job moves me much like that.
- [audience chuckling]

2001
01:27:20,443 --> 01:27:24,739
But at bare minimum,
at bare, obvious minimum,

2002
01:27:24,822 --> 01:27:28,826
the teeth in the blow job are the details
that bring the textures to this life.

2003
01:27:28,910 --> 01:27:33,623
The kind the English teacher promised us
would illuminate the universal

2004
01:27:33,706 --> 01:27:34,874
through the particular.

2005
01:27:34,958 --> 01:27:39,379
They're the plums in the icebox,
the popping of my "P" sounds

2006
01:27:39,462 --> 01:27:40,421
in the microphone.

2007
01:27:40,505 --> 01:27:43,299
The "measuring out of life
in coffee spoons,

2008
01:27:43,383 --> 01:27:46,219
fog curling in the windowpane,"

2009
01:27:46,803 --> 01:27:49,514
Garbo's salary, cellophane,

2010
01:27:50,431 --> 01:27:51,891
Zuzu's petals. [exclaiming]

2011
01:27:51,975 --> 01:27:53,559
Oh. Oh.

2012
01:27:53,643 --> 01:27:56,271
The teeth in the blow job,
they are Zuzu's petals.

2013
01:27:56,354 --> 01:27:58,106
They mean you're... you're alive

2014
01:27:58,189 --> 01:28:00,441
and you're in your life,
and this time, you get it.

2015
01:28:00,525 --> 01:28:02,860
This time you see it's a wonderful life.

2016
01:28:02,944 --> 01:28:03,945
[audience laughing]

2017
01:28:04,028 --> 01:28:07,156
This time you see
that you're the richest man in town.

2018
01:28:07,240 --> 01:28:08,366
[audience laughing]

2019
01:28:08,449 --> 01:28:11,327
The teeth in the blow job,
they raise the stakes.

2020
01:28:11,411 --> 01:28:12,287
I mean, they...

2021
01:28:12,370 --> 01:28:14,789
they send a Susan to her potential death.

2022
01:28:14,872 --> 01:28:16,040
[audience laughing]

2023
01:28:16,124 --> 01:28:18,710
But for faith and desire alone.

2024
01:28:18,793 --> 01:28:22,380
And the teeth,
they bring a bone to a boneless arena,

2025
01:28:22,463 --> 01:28:24,841
to the boneless boner.

2026
01:28:24,924 --> 01:28:26,426
The tongue shall rot.

2027
01:28:26,509 --> 01:28:28,594
The penis shall rot. But the teeth...

2028
01:28:28,678 --> 01:28:30,388
[cackling]

2029
01:28:30,471 --> 01:28:32,515
...they shall remain.

2030
01:28:32,598 --> 01:28:35,685
The teeth bring
the centuries to the thing.

2031
01:28:35,768 --> 01:28:36,686
[audience chuckling]

2032
01:28:36,769 --> 01:28:41,482
A smooth, toothless blow job,
that is a hobgoblin of little minds.

2033
01:28:42,400 --> 01:28:46,904
No. Teeth ensure your blow job suffers
no foolish consistency.

2034
01:28:46,988 --> 01:28:49,032
No, a smooth, toothless blow job,

2035
01:28:49,115 --> 01:28:51,242
it would allow for too flush a fit.

2036
01:28:51,326 --> 01:28:54,120
It would be a round peg
in a round hole kind of act,

2037
01:28:54,203 --> 01:28:56,664
so you and another can feel
as if you're becoming one.

2038
01:28:56,748 --> 01:28:57,999
No. No.

2039
01:28:58,082 --> 01:29:00,418
What's the fun in being one?

2040
01:29:00,501 --> 01:29:02,545
No, let us be two.

2041
01:29:02,628 --> 01:29:06,341
Let us feel the rough boundaries
between us

2042
01:29:06,841 --> 01:29:09,719
so we have something to push up against.

2043
01:29:09,802 --> 01:29:11,429
[audience cheering and laughing]

2044
01:29:11,512 --> 01:29:12,847
Don't you see?

2045
01:29:12,930 --> 01:29:17,143
The rows of our teeth,
these are Romeo's stony walls.

2046
01:29:17,226 --> 01:29:18,144
[audience chuckling]

2047
01:29:18,227 --> 01:29:23,316
These give love's light wings
something to have to o'er perch at all.

2048
01:29:23,399 --> 01:29:27,987
And that's why we must, we must,
we must wipe the lip balm off.

2049
01:29:28,071 --> 01:29:29,655
[audience laughing]

2050
01:29:29,739 --> 01:29:32,658
And unwrap our lips from around our teeth

2051
01:29:32,742 --> 01:29:34,535
and let our teeth drag.

2052
01:29:34,619 --> 01:29:35,995
[audience laughing]

2053
01:29:36,079 --> 01:29:38,498
We let them drag. [moaning]

2054
01:29:39,874 --> 01:29:42,460
And if they don't drag naturally,
we still do it to make the point.

2055
01:29:42,543 --> 01:29:43,920
[moaning]

2056
01:29:44,003 --> 01:29:46,964
'Cause consider the ghost or the orb.

2057
01:29:47,048 --> 01:29:49,217
If it were given a mouth again
for a couple minutes,

2058
01:29:49,300 --> 01:29:52,762
it wouldn't quickly file down its teeth
to try to make a more perfect seal

2059
01:29:52,845 --> 01:29:54,389
with your dick. No. No.

2060
01:29:54,472 --> 01:29:56,724
No goddess would ever take
on the human form

2061
01:29:56,808 --> 01:30:00,770
unless there was to be some strange beauty
in the form's very limitations.

2062
01:30:00,853 --> 01:30:03,981
So no, I did not randomly blow you.

2063
01:30:04,065 --> 01:30:05,233
Bah, bah!

2064
01:30:05,316 --> 01:30:09,779
No, that was a visitation.
Tremble in awe, bitch.

2065
01:30:09,862 --> 01:30:11,948
[audience applauding and cheering]

2066
01:30:14,450 --> 01:30:15,576
And of course...

2067
01:30:19,122 --> 01:30:22,708
Of course, of course,
I'm not degraded when I kneel down.

2068
01:30:22,792 --> 01:30:25,002
No, no, not beneath you, no,
but through you

2069
01:30:25,086 --> 01:30:27,296
and past you and before our lives

2070
01:30:27,380 --> 01:30:31,509
in humble awe
at this strange human tragedy.

2071
01:30:31,592 --> 01:30:32,927
[audience laughing]

2072
01:30:33,010 --> 01:30:36,222
Your appendage, a small spigot,

2073
01:30:37,348 --> 01:30:40,017
I drink the universe through.

2074
01:30:40,101 --> 01:30:41,352
[audience laughing]

2075
01:30:41,436 --> 01:30:43,980
Your body, a few clumsy phrases

2076
01:30:44,063 --> 01:30:46,941
into which the splendor of the soul
is poorly translated

2077
01:30:47,024 --> 01:30:50,987
and yet I take the translation 'cause
to understand completely and directly,

2078
01:30:51,070 --> 01:30:55,533
I'd dissolve instantly
and I guess I want my time in a body

2079
01:30:55,616 --> 01:30:57,785
as I want my time as a ghost.

2080
01:30:57,869 --> 01:30:59,620
[moaning intensely]

2081
01:31:01,956 --> 01:31:04,709
And the lesson is not, by the way...
I want to make it very cle...

2082
01:31:04,792 --> 01:31:07,712
Actually, there is no lesson.
My only goal is to entertain and delight.

2083
01:31:07,795 --> 01:31:11,090
- I am, after all, a nightclub act.
- [audience laughing]

2084
01:31:11,174 --> 01:31:14,093
But the lesson is not if there was
to be one... it's certainly not,

2085
01:31:14,177 --> 01:31:16,262
"save your blow jobs,
save your blow jobs

2086
01:31:16,345 --> 01:31:18,973
for those capable
of appreciating their spiritual glory."

2087
01:31:19,056 --> 01:31:22,727
No, that'd make my tale a cautionary one,
and I'll have none of that, thank you.

2088
01:31:22,810 --> 01:31:23,728
No, no.

2089
01:31:23,811 --> 01:31:25,354
[exhaling]

2090
01:31:25,438 --> 01:31:26,647
[audience cheering]

2091
01:31:26,731 --> 01:31:29,734
No, no, regard my dignity. No.

2092
01:31:29,817 --> 01:31:32,069
Might we give our blow jobs freely.

2093
01:31:32,153 --> 01:31:34,280
Might we regret not a single one.

2094
01:31:34,363 --> 01:31:36,657
Might we be an embarrassment of riches.

2095
01:31:36,741 --> 01:31:37,575
[pants]

2096
01:31:37,658 --> 01:31:42,955
Might our misunderstood blow jobs retain
the dignity of their original intention.

2097
01:31:43,039 --> 01:31:45,291
Might we be an embarrassment of riches

2098
01:31:45,374 --> 01:31:46,501
like the ocean.

2099
01:31:47,001 --> 01:31:49,420
Permit me but one last metaphor?

2100
01:31:49,504 --> 01:31:50,630
[audience laughing]

2101
01:31:50,713 --> 01:31:52,673
Might we be like the ocean.

2102
01:31:53,299 --> 01:31:56,511
Does the ocean only lap up
at the feet of men of letters

2103
01:31:56,594 --> 01:31:58,971
who it already knows
are capable of appreciating...

2104
01:31:59,055 --> 01:31:59,889
"Hi. It's me."

2105
01:31:59,972 --> 01:32:01,265
...and articulating its glory?

2106
01:32:01,349 --> 01:32:03,809
No, the ocean rushes generously

2107
01:32:03,893 --> 01:32:07,480
to the legs of fools,
dunces, cowards, and assholes alike.

2108
01:32:07,563 --> 01:32:08,940
And it is undiminished.

2109
01:32:09,023 --> 01:32:10,942
It remains the ocean.

2110
01:32:11,025 --> 01:32:13,194
I'm sorry. Do I overreach?

2111
01:32:13,277 --> 01:32:14,278
[audience laughing]

2112
01:32:14,362 --> 01:32:16,572
Indeed, I do,

2113
01:32:16,656 --> 01:32:19,909
otherwise why reach at all, you know?

2114
01:32:20,993 --> 01:32:22,245
And he didn't know.

2115
01:32:22,328 --> 01:32:23,996
[audience laughing]

2116
01:32:24,830 --> 01:32:27,291
He thought there were holes
in my argument.

2117
01:32:27,792 --> 01:32:29,418
Perhaps some of you do as well.

2118
01:32:29,502 --> 01:32:32,755
I hope you do 'cause don't you know,
I know there are.

2119
01:32:32,838 --> 01:32:35,299
I put those there on purpose.

2120
01:32:35,383 --> 01:32:37,009
'Cause the holes in my argument,

2121
01:32:37,093 --> 01:32:40,221
these are the teeth
in the blow job of my argument.

2122
01:32:40,304 --> 01:32:42,306
- [audience applauding]
- Would you believe it?

2123
01:32:42,390 --> 01:32:45,601
Somehow, I win again.

2124
01:32:46,269 --> 01:32:50,064
And this is how I shall self-appoint,

2125
01:32:50,147 --> 01:32:52,692
make the rules, claim the throne,

2126
01:32:52,775 --> 01:32:55,695
but the ecstasy of my reign, ah...

2127
01:32:55,778 --> 01:32:58,906
it shall be in its very tenuousness...

2128
01:32:58,990 --> 01:32:59,824
Fuck it.

2129
01:32:59,907 --> 01:33:01,325
I'm the blow job queen.

2130
01:33:01,409 --> 01:33:02,577
[audience cheering]

2131
01:33:02,660 --> 01:33:05,413
♪ <i>Just like a prayer
I'll take you there</i> ♪

2132
01:33:05,496 --> 01:33:06,956
♪ <i>I'll take you there</i> ♪

2133
01:33:07,039 --> 01:33:08,791
♪ <i>It's like a dream to me</i> ♪

2134
01:33:08,874 --> 01:33:11,460
♪ <i>Oh yeah, oh yeah yeah</i> ♪

2135
01:33:11,544 --> 01:33:14,046
♪ <i>Just like a prayer
I'll take you there</i> ♪

2136
01:33:14,130 --> 01:33:15,798
♪ <i>I'll take you there</i> ♪

2137
01:33:15,881 --> 01:33:18,217
♪ <i>It's like a dream to me</i> ♪

2138
01:33:18,301 --> 01:33:20,428
♪ <i>Whoa oh-oh</i> ♪

2139
01:33:20,511 --> 01:33:22,096
♪ <i>Just like a prayer</i> ♪

2140
01:33:22,179 --> 01:33:23,931
♪ <i>Your voice can take me there</i> ♪

2141
01:33:24,015 --> 01:33:26,350
♪ <i>Just like a muse to me</i> ♪

2142
01:33:26,434 --> 01:33:28,436
♪ <i>You are a mystery</i> ♪

2143
01:33:29,145 --> 01:33:30,688
♪ <i>Just like a dream</i> ♪

2144
01:33:30,771 --> 01:33:33,107
♪ <i>You are not what you seem</i> ♪

2145
01:33:33,190 --> 01:33:34,442
♪ <i>Just like a prayer</i> ♪

2146
01:33:34,525 --> 01:33:37,403
♪ <i>No choice your voice can take me there</i> ♪

2147
01:33:37,486 --> 01:33:39,280
♪ <i>Just like a prayer</i> ♪

2148
01:33:39,363 --> 01:33:41,115
♪ <i>Your voice can take me there</i> ♪

2149
01:33:41,198 --> 01:33:43,451
♪ <i>Just like a muse to me</i> ♪

2150
01:33:43,534 --> 01:33:45,870
♪ <i>You are a mystery</i> ♪

2151
01:33:45,953 --> 01:33:47,830
♪ <i>Just like a dream</i> ♪

2152
01:33:47,913 --> 01:33:50,041
♪ <i>You are not what you seem</i> ♪

2153
01:33:50,124 --> 01:33:51,709
♪ <i>Just like a prayer</i> ♪

2154
01:33:51,792 --> 01:33:56,422
♪ <i>No choice your voice can take me there</i> ♪

2155
01:33:56,505 --> 01:34:00,551
<i>♪ Your voice can take me there ♪</i>

2156
01:34:01,552 --> 01:34:04,847
♪ <i>Like a prayer</i> ♪

2157
01:34:06,557 --> 01:34:07,475
[song ends]