CHILDREN CHATTER
You need to think very carefully about where you take your kids.
The soft play in town, for example, is absolutely disgusting.
How disgusting?
I once found a very small, very dead octopus in the ball pit.
Jesus! Whereas this place...
..full of rich wankers and their rich wanker kids.
Hah! Limp twat doesn't stand a chance against my two.
Hey. You can't talk about someone else's child like that.
Even if they are dressed like a member of the Hitler Youth.
Excuse me. Your children are throwing things at Berty.
Aww, poor Berty.
No, Berty's my son.
Oh.
And now they've tricked him into eating Play-Doh!
That is a criminal offence.
Oh... I don't think it is, actually.
So sod off back to Waitrose, yeah? Everything OK?
Ben?
Shit.
You know her, Ben?
Yep. Er, we know each other through work.
Yes! Gemma was involved in the takeover.
I don't recall you being mentioned. What was your role?
I was the getaway driver.
HE LAUGHS
Er, Gemma was partnered with Sebastian Ford.
Oh. You worked with Seb?
Well, that must have been so difficult for you.
Oof. Well, let me tell you...
Gemma, it has been so great to see you again.
CHILD: Mummy! Oh, excuse me, please.
Darling, what's happened?
Yeah, it's great to see you too, Ben.
It's been what, eight months?
Holy shit!
We should exchange contact details.
No, we really don't have to.
For God's sake, Ben. He's covered in juice, again!
Well, it's your turn to clean him up.
SHE MIMICS HIM
WHISPERS: Cocksucker.
Come on...
Er, can we just...?
One sec. OK.
Fucking put that down! It's not your dog! Er, so...
..is it mine? Yes. Congratulations.
I finished in the sink!
Look, please, please just don't say anything to Allegra, just for now.
Like, do you want money?
I can PayPal you money right now. Piss off!
Sorry! I just...
It's a lot.
Mm.
Can I have your number?
Fine.
Mummy wants us to pop by. If you think you can get
the Defender up her driveway without hitting anything this time.
Well, good luck with the baby
and, erm, give our regards to Seb! Will do.
Come on, Berty, this way. Can you open the door, please?
Is kissing him like getting off with a giraffe?
That's the first question you want to ask me?
So what are you going to do?
Nothing!
Ugh! God, he's a liar and a cheat,
and judging by the size of that baby he was holding,
Allegra was very pregnant when we...met.
Where did you meet him?
In a toilet.
Oh, romantic.
I mean, there's no way I'll hear from him again.
PHONE VIBRATES
It's Ben. He says he wants to talk.
Malcolm, what the fuck is this?
I got those from the charity shop.
They're DVDs I used to watch with the girls when they were little.
Ballykissangel? Boring.
Grey's Anatomy? Boring.
Lovejoy? Fantastic!
The Shining?
Yeah. It's about a little boy, isn't it?
Yeah, whose dad tries to murder him with an axe.
Malcolm, you watched this with your kids? Yeah.
Wednesday night was film night.
HE LAUGHS
Why don't you just dig out your actual DVDs?
Davina gave them away to the cat shelter
when she got rid of the house.
You know, not for the cats to watch, obviously.
Because they just watch snooker, don't they?
Wait. Your ex-wife gave away all your stuff?
Well, she left some of the girls' stuff up in the loft.
You know, baby photos and toys, and stuff like that.
I was supposed to go round and collect them but I just, er...
I couldn't. Dad, this box was outside the flat.
Which I guess means you haven't asked Baris to fix the intercom yet.
Look! Got these DVDs for the baby!
No. My baby's not watching The Shining.
That's why Catherine's so messed up.
Ooh, speak of the devil.
I know you find aggressive women terrifying,
but you need to go and visit her. Not this again.
Look, I don't like going either, but at least take her
a Christmas present. A big Toblerone or something?
Look, I got this for you. Well, for the little one.
Will you stop buying random crap and just do the stuff I ask you to do?
Er, now, Gemma, I do think you're being a bit tough on Malcolm here.
I'm just saying, you know, I know how hard it is being pregnant.
Oh, you do, do you? Uh-huh.
Is your bladder the side of a peanut?
Does your pelvis feel like it's going to snap in half?
Are your tits so swollen
it's like two kettlebells are strapped to your chest?
No. But I do remember what a massive bitch my wife was.
Look at this! I got all this for a fiver off eBay.
Look!
SHE SIGHS
Yeah, just once round in the washing machine
and give 'em a bit of a scrub and they'll be fine. Oh, Dad...
Just pop 'em in here.
THEY RETCH
Ugh!
Thank you for agreeing to meet me.
I'm not going to tell her, by the way.
That's very decent of you.
I'm not trying to be decent.
I just don't need the drama of blowing up someone else's life.
So Allegra is your girlfriend?
Wife.
No ring?
Well, my grandfather was degloved aboard The Prince of Wales.
Degloved?
Degloved is when the ring is caught and..
and the skin is sort of pulled off the flesh.
Gristle and bone. Mm-hm. Well, none of the men in my family wear one.
It's kind of like a fun family tradition slash horrible obsession.
Wow! I was going to ask if there were
any hereditary illnesses I needed to know about,
but I didn't expect to hear about fingers being torn off.
It's not the whole fingers. Just the skin. Oh, course.
So I thought you might like to see these.
Just to give you some sort of indication of what you're carrying.
That is such a weird way of putting it, thank you.
God, Berty looks nothing like you.
He... He's all Allegra.
She has very strong genes.
Whoa. Big house.
Yeah. Or too big. I mean, I once nearly starved to death
playing a game of hide and seek.
Took days to find me.
SHE LAUGHS
Taxi!
Oh... Thank you.
Well, that was the best £45 bowl of pasta I've ever had.
Oh, it's the least I could do.
Yeah, considering the next 18 years are on me.
Well, maybe I can send you some items to help? Er...
Clothes? Pram? A nanny?
It's a joke.
It's technically people trafficking, so...
Give me your phone. Sure.
Sorry.
My address.
Inanimate objects only. OK.
I'll let you know when the baby arrives. Yeah, that'd be...great.
Thank you. Thanks. You can keep the coat.
Oh! No, that was a joke.
It's quite cold. Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you. See you. See you.
Oh, how was the film?
Yeah, better than I was expecting. Good.
Dad, have you got any baby photos of me and Catherine?
Oh...no. I didn't take much with me, you know,
after I found your mum humping that guy who sold sponges door-to-door.
OK. Hey, but I... I know where they are, though.
They're up in the loft of the old house.
I could pop round and get them.
I'm sure the people who've moved in won't mind.
That's OK...
HE KNOCKS
What? Kenny Tugger? Malcolm Moscrip.
You bought this house from me.
Well, not from me, no, from Davina, from my wife.
I mean, you would have dealt with my wife, you see. Mum!
Wait a minute!
Oh. This one said he used to own the house. Yeah.
Er, I don't think my wife cleared out the loft before you moved in.
We fucking know she didn't.
People who sell houses and leave loads of shit in the loft are scum.
You...are scum.
Yeah. I couldn't go up and get some boxes, could I?
No! Piss off!
And get your fucking mail redirected.
Oh, Jesus!
Hey, what are you doing?
Oh, come on. No, no. They just...
They just need a bit of elbow grease, don't they?
They'll be as good as new.
Dad, have you arranged a date to visit Catherine yet?
It's not going to be as scary as you think it is.
I'm not scared of seeing my own daughter, Gemma. OK.
DOOR BUZZER
Hello?
STATIC CRACKLES
Dad!
Oh, yeah. It's on... It's on my list, sorry.
Fuckin' 'ell...
I can't stop thinking about you.
Did your wife forget to pack your umbrella?
Dad?
Hey, hey. Ta-da!
HE LAUGHS
Obviously we'll sew it before we put the sprog in it.
The staples are just for demonstration.
Good, eh? Yeah.
Er, Ben... Hi. ..this is my dad, Malcolm.
Dad, this is Ben. Yeah.
He's the baby's father.
Yes.
Er, it's a...
It's a pleasure to meet you, Malcolm. Yeah.
Would you like some kitchen roll for your hair?
Er...yeah.
Yes, thank you.
Well...
Please, just try and be a bit less weird. What do you mean?
Kitchen roll for his hair?
Well, he was wet, and this is super absorbent.
I can go if it's a bad time?
No. No. OK, good.
Cos I'm... I'm quite cold.
It's nice to finally meet
one of your boyfriends, eh, Gemma? He's not my boyfriend.
I don't suppose you've got a spare jumper I could borrow, do you?
Er, yeah, Dad'll have one. Yes.
Yes, I'll endeavour to find one. Great.
Endeavour?!
That's good for him.
Want these? Oh, yeah. Thanks. Cheers.
Er, the nursery looks...
Looks lovely. Mm.
Yeah, my dad decorated it.
He lives with me, by the way. Right.
You probably gathered. Yes.
Looks great. Thank you.
Yeah, my mum left and neither of us can afford...
Here we go. Ooh! No, keep going. I'll just pop these on the bed.
Thank you.
Good? Yeah.
I made them myself. Yesterday.
I mean, they've been in the fridge but, erm,
I find that's more to my taste. Lovely.
Thanks, Dad.
Right, yeah.
You should probably go. I should...
..but I really don't want to.
Plus, fridge spuds are my favourite food.
SHE LAUGHS
Yeah. I mean, you can really taste the...
The fridge.
He sounds like a dick.
Eating your weird snack potatoes without comment.
No, he was ever so nice, actually. Oh, shut up about Ben!
We need to work out how to get into your old loft. OK?
Two words.
Home. Invasion.
We smash in the front door of your old place,
we tie up Agnes and Kenny and we take...
We take what's rightfully yours.
Seems a bit extreme.
I thought you'd pussy out of that one, Malc.
All right, backup plan. Have you still got your door key?
Yeah. I couldn't bear to give it back, so..
Oh, is that them?
Yeah. The ones who bought your gaff.
We let ourselves in while they're out,
we grab the stuff from the loft without the Tuggers even noticing.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, but there's quite a bit of stuff,
so we're going to need an extra pair of hands.
If you say that fucking toilet, Ben, I'm out.
So, er, before we go to the pub,
I thought you might like to see the house Gemma grew up in?
Yeah. I want to know everything about her.
You heard him, Malcolm.
He's well up for helping with these boxes.
Er...what boxes? No, look, come on.
I mean, yeah, he has some baggage,
but with Ben it's more like a shipping container
that's got a wife, five kids and a Chihuahua in it.
Sorry...five kids?!
Yeah. The older three are at boarding school.
Do you think he's got a thing for pregnant women?
I'm not going to go into details,
but he's certainly not put off by it.
Lovely, really. Sh! In you go.
Sorry... In here.
Why have you got torches? I mean, should I have a torch?
Hey! You don't get a torch!
Aww, that's where Gemma had her first little Wendy house.
Oh, look! Oh, God, and that's where she lost her first tooth.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, that's a shame - they've taken down the stone cladding.
It took me ages to put that up. Tasteless arseholes.
Now fuck Kenny Tugger and his whore mother Agnes.
Er...do other people live here now? The Tuggers. The Tuggers.
Do they know you're in their house? Of course not. Duh.
Otherwise they'd call the police, wouldn't they?
Whoa. Not so fast, matey. You're an accessory now.
Oh, my God! I'm part of a burglary!
No, it'll be fine as long as we don't move or break anything.
OBJECTS SMASH What did he fucking just say,
you giant bellend? I'm sorry!
THEY SCREAM
Oh, shit!
Wha...wha...what should I do?
I mean, do WE pull it out or leave it in?
Bit late for that conversation, eh, Malcolm? Shut up!
I hope your DNA's not on a register somewhere.
OK, look, brace yourself, all right?
After three. One, two...
MALCOLM SCREAMS
OK. OK. Oh, my God!
Argh! You're bleeding. You're bleeding. Just hold it up.
No, you're bleeding. It's dripping! Hold it up. Don't bleed everywhere.
Hold it. Let's be quick. Quick now.
Quick. Come on. Come on. Up the stairs.
Go get those boxes. Come on. Up, up, up, up, up!
Sorry, you can't have a relationship with him.
He's got a family!
And a really shit dog.
It's actually a very cute dog.
And that's his choice to make, not mine, and certainly not yours.
What is he, like, ten years older than you?
I just think it's a bit sordid, that's all.
12.
And it's the best offer I've had so far. Oh, cool.
So you're happy to tear a family apart, are you?
God, I'm trying to build a family.
With the father of my child.
I, er...
I just didn't think that's who you were, that's all.
SHE SCOFFS
Get the fuck out.
Seriously, fuck off.
Fine.
Wow.
What the hell was all that about?
Oh, come on, babe, you must know.
Fuck off!
Oh, hey! Look at this! Ow!
It's just how I left it.
Oh, my "man corner." Oh...
Oh, God. Ben, come here.
Let me give you a little bit of advice. Yeah?
There's going to be times when it all gets a bit too much.
Especially if you and Gemma go on and have more sprogs.
More? I don't think...
Being a dad, it's amazing,
but also fucking awful.
Sometimes the misery just gets into your bones, you know?
And when that happens, you're going to need a little corner
where you can take yourself off and just block it all out, you know?
Right. A little space in the loft,
with a dog bed, and just lie down and...
..hide.
Yeah, you're better off getting yourself
a little man bucket for your man mess.
Don't worry. I've emptied that before I moved out. What? Oh...
I think.
Yeah.
Oh, look, there he is.
Ha-ha! I put Mr T up there.
To give me some inspiration.
Fun fact about Mr T, I thought he died of bowel cancer.
How is that a fun fact?
Do you want me to throw you through the fucking loft hatch?!
No, I... DOOR CREAKS, VOICES
Shite!
Pull that up! Quick, get that up! Fuck!
Help him get that up.
Oh, shit!
Shit! OK. If they do come up,
I've just found this extra-strong piece of garden twine.
MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
Dad?
Oh, hi, Gemma. Why are you whispering?
We're stuck in the loft of the old house.
Me, Derek and Ben.
What? I tell you to not be weird and that's where you end up?
Fuck's sake! I was trying to get some old photographs,
but the Tuggers, they wouldn't let me in. The Tuggers?
The massive A-holes who bought the house. Sh!
But, look, they've come home early and we're trapped.
Wait. Wait. Slow down.
So you, Derek and Ben are in the old loft
and the new owners don't know you're up there? No.
Well, I don't think so, but...
..Ben did bleed a lot in the front room, so who knows?
What?! Is he OK?! Yeah, yeah. He's a big lad, isn't he?
So he probably had more blood than most of us in the first place,
so he can afford to lose a drop or two.
Look, do you think we're in trouble?
For breaking into someone's house,
bleeding all over their carpets and stealing things from their loft?
Yeah. That's on the criminal side of things.
Erm, OK.
Wait there. Do not make a sound. I'm coming over.
Oh, thanks, Gemma. Thanks.
She's coming round. She's coming round.
Oh, Mr T...
Are you sure this is going to work? I hope so.
I can't deal with Dad and Ben being in prison too.
Make some labour noises, then!
SHE GROANS
Yeah, that's it.
Oh, my God, my friend's gone into labour!
Why's she on my drive? That's trespassing.
Cos she's having a baby! Not on my drive, she isn't.
I don't want any of that... That muck on my drive.
It'll attract the foxes. Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's going on here?
Silly bint's having a baby on our drive.
I said to her, it'll bring the foxes out.
Kenny Tugger, you little rotter!
Come on, lovey. Let me get you inside.
No, no. I've always wanted a gravel birth.
So maybe you guys could stay outside instead?
Want me to get the stretcher, Mum?
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Go on.
No, no. I can walk, thank you.
Up you get.
Ooooh.
Argh.
Thank you. Oh, God...
Oh, dear.
Oh...
BREATHLESSLY: I'm having a panic attack.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, you know what's supposed to be good for a panic attack?
Breathing into a bag. OK.
Oh, God!
Hey! What are you doing?
GRUNTING
Behave yourself! You're such a fucking psycho!
GEMMA GROANS
What the fuck has happened here?
THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS
Stop it! We should just leave him here to die. Let him bleed out.
What is your fucking problem?!
Derek! You're the fucking problem.
You're not good enough for her!
MUFFLED SHOUTING
THEY GASP
Do you take PayPal, Kenny?
£6,000!
Mm. Yeah, and three stitches.
Honestly not the worst night out I've ever had.
SHE LAUGHS
Plus I got to know Malcolm better.
Er...he is odd.
Er, but lovely.
Yeah, he is.
I mean, I'd rather not be living with him. No.
He has been pretty great since...
Well... So, I made some calls...
..and there is a flat ready for you next month, if you want it.
You can be settled by the time the baby's born.
A flat? Yeah.
Well, I wanted it to be, like, a surprise. Erm...
You don't have to pay a penny.
It's yours for as long as you want it. Forever.
Where will you live?
I'd come there every other weekend.
Is that a bad thing? Gemma, look...
..Allegra takes the kids to Switzerland
for six weeks in the summer, so I'll be around loads then.
You'll be sick of the sight of me.
We can make it work!
With me as your bit on the side?
Oh, my God. I can't believe I've been so fucking stupid.
No, no, no, no. What's stupid, Gemma,
is you staying in this poky flat, with your Frankenstein baby clothes,
an intercom that doesn't work and your dad.
Oh! So you think this - my life - isn't good enough for your baby.
Well...
..no.
Look. You don't have to do this alone, OK?
I'm not alone.
Gemma, I'm offering you a way out.
Right?
Don't be a stupid bitch about it.
Hey, you! Fucking hell!
Don't talk to my daughter like that. Yeah, I'm sorry, Malcolm.
I was a bit angry. No, I'd like you to leave now, thanks, Ben.
Just leave, please. Ow! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just...
What is wrong with you people?
Can you go, or I'll call Derek. On your way.
Gemma, I care about you.
Go on. Come on. Out you go. I'm going.
Yeah. Grab your coat, sling your hook. Go on.
My wife is horrible! Go on. On your way.
Gem?
Gem, are you all right?
It's all right. He's gone. He's gone.
He's gone now.
You, erm...
You go and sit down, eh?
Go on. I'll make us a cup of tea.
Hey...
I knew he was married with kids
and I still pretended it was going to work out.
It's probably for the best, isn't it, eh? I mean, you know,
he would have wanted to call the baby...
..Humphrey or something.
Oh, hey - hey, we haven't looked at these yet, have we?
Look, some photies. Hey.
Oh, and look what I found, hey?
Your favourite.
Dolly Wiggins. Dolly, Dolly, Dolly.
Dolly belonged to Cat, Dad.
Did she?
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, Malcolm. Be strong.
HE SOBS
I'm so sorry, Catherine.
I failed you as a father.
Oh, my God, Dad, you're being so embarrassing.
Can you forgive me? Yes, if you just shut up.
Well, I'm sorry.
I got you something.
Guess who I found?
Dolly Wiggins.
HE LAUGHS
That's amazing.
Thanks, Dad.
It's all right, my darling.
There's nothing in here.
Why the fuck would you bring this in
if there's no drugs in its head?
Oh!
HE GROANS