1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,720
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
from the start

2
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:09,800
Have you got a condom?
INTERCOM PINGS

3
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,160
My wallet's in my bag.

4
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,520
And it doesn't have
any condoms in it.

5
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,080
Oh, I think I might have one. OK.

6
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,160
Must've fallen out. Oh.

7
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,720
I mean, we could still...

8
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,000
Erm...

9
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,560
What about disease?

10
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:33,080
You what? Oh, I'm not suggesting
you've got anything.

11
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,560
No, it's just that
advert from the '80s.

12
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:37,040
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."

13
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,560
Scared the life out of me
when I first saw it.

14
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,200
I think it's, "AIDS.
Don't die of ignorance."

15
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,760
I saw it on TikTok.

16
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,680
Pretty sure it's,
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."

17
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,320
No. It's, "AIDS. Don't die
of ignorance."

18
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,000
Why would it be,
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."

19
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,680
Well...
That's a terrible slogan.

20
00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:54,360
Well, let's just agree to disagree,
shall we? OK.

21
00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:56,960
Could all passengers please
return to their seats,

22
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,080
as we begin our descent
into Manchester Airport.

23
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,520
Are we doing this then or what?

24
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,720
Sure, yeah. And I'll just finish in
the sink to be sensible.

25
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,120
Yeah. OK.

26
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,720
Oh, I'm Ben, by the way. Gemma.

27
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,080
Hiya, Rita.

28
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,080
You're nearly an hour late, lady.

29
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,240
Yeah, I had to get
the bus from Cheadle.

30
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,840
What were you doing in Cheadle? Hmm.

31
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,480
Who were you doing in Cheadle?
I mean, I'm not judging.

32
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,080
I was the same at her age.

33
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:40,760
I'm the same at my age.

34
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,440
SHE CHUCKLES

35
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,120
Oh, you can take those off,
Stevie Wonder.

36
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,640
I don't want people thinking
I employ wankers.

37
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,680
I've got a reputation to think of.
Hmm?

38
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,280
His name's Liam. He's a painter.

39
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,400
Oh, did you take his business card?

40
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,840
I've been after someone to
give my boxroom a lick.

41
00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:58,960
As in artist.

42
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:02,480
Bloody hell, has this got
vodka in it?

43
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:03,880
Hair of the dog.

44
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,720
So tell us about this new one, then.

45
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,400
I'm not going to see him again.

46
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,600
Wears the same deodorant as me dad.

47
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:12,080
Very off putting at
a pivotal moment.

48
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,040
How is your hunky dad?
Have you seen him, Winnie?

49
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,520
Oof!

50
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:18,240
Do you think he's ready for love
again?

51
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:21,240
Maybe with a sexually adventurous
salon owner?

52
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,480
I've told you, you're not his type.

53
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,560
I'm everybody's type, Gemma.

54
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,560
What's his new place like, then?

55
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,880
I don't know, I haven't
been round yet.

56
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,680
I know, he keeps asking.

57
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,240
I'll go later actually.

58
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:41,960
# I work all night

59
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:45,080
# I do my thing

60
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:50,760
# Just killin' time

61
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,840
# Need a friend

62
00:02:55,240 --> 00:03:00,240
# Is this my life beginning or... #

63
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,640
Dad, it's Gemma.

64
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,200
DOOR BUZZES

65
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,720
Gemma.

66
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,520
Hey, I'm so glad you've
finally got to see the place. Huh?

67
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,960
I know it's not Buckingham Palace,
but it'll do.

68
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,760
And it's all I can afford...

69
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:30,920
..for now!

70
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,000
I shouldn't even be here.

71
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,800
I mean, I wasn't the one having
the affair, was I?

72
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,160
Have you seen your mother?
She's in Paris.

73
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,280
Oh, God, Paris!

74
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,440
I mean, what's Paris got
that this place hasn't, eh?

75
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,600
Art, culture,

76
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,080
a vibrant jazz scene.

77
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,600
It's the cheese, isn't it? Eh?

78
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,160
She has gone for the cheese.

79
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,800
Yeah, she's gone for the cheese.

80
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,400
Sorry. No.

81
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,960
It's quite trendy these days
actually, to drink out of jam jars.

82
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,120
Oh, aye?

83
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,800
Is it trendy to have a wee
in them an all?

84
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,360
Don't worry.

85
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:11,840
I put an X on that one
so I don't get them mixed up.

86
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,200
Yeah, you don't really want to use
the facilities here

87
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,720
if you can help it.

88
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,320
Oh, my God,
I want to die!

89
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,960
That's Derek.

90
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,200
Yeah.

91
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,200
He runs the gaff.

92
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,600
He was married for 12 years

93
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,600
and his wife won't let him
see the kids.

94
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,320
Oh, God, what is that?
Oh, sorry.

95
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,680
It's just erm...

96
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,320
Yeah, that's just a, you know,
that's just a damp patch

97
00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,040
where I've... I've been crying.

98
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,200
If I can keep myself together
tonight, that'll dry out nicely.

99
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,480
BANGING ON DOOR
Malcolm?

100
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,280
Malcolm, open up, mate.

101
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,960
I've run out of chocolate spread...
Derek.

102
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:49,680
..because some fucking DEAD MAN
at work stole mine.

103
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,440
Hey, Derek, come in.

104
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,520
Yeah, I've got some somewhere.

105
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,600
Oh, er, that's my daughter, Gemma.

106
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,640
Hiya. Hey.

107
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,200
Hey, lovely to meet you.

108
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,440
Are you wearing Lovely
by Sarah Jessica Parker?

109
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,200
Yeah!

110
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,920
I got a bit heavy handed in Boots
earlier.

111
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:17,040
I sat in something. A pie I think.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gorgeous.

112
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,720
At least I hope it was a pie.

113
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,400
I adore Lovely
by Sarah Jessica Parker.

114
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,840
Top three smells.

115
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,680
CHUCKLING

116
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:28,760
Hey, you, erm, this might seem
a little forward, but...

117
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,800
..would you be interested
in dinner tomorrow night?

118
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,160
I know a great Italian.

119
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,680
Sorry, has she...she got
a boyfriend? Or a husband?

120
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,480
Umm... Dad, no, I don't.

121
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,040
Well, then. What do you say?

122
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,560
Do you know what,
I can't do tomorrow. I'm working.

123
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,480
What, at night! Mm.

124
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,360
The salon stays open late on
a Thursday

125
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,480
and it's my turn to lock up.
What about the next night, then?

126
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,760
Are you "working" then as well? Hmm?

127
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:56,800
No?

128
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,480
Yeah, well, fuck you!

129
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,480
Yeah, nice daughter, Malcolm.

130
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,720
What a whore.

131
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:05,760
Yeah.

132
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:06,840
Dad!

133
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,880
You know, this is why
I haven't come over sooner.

134
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,760
Oh, come on, Gemma, it's just Derek.

135
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,280
Oh, enjoy your plant. Gem...?

136
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:24,840
HE SNIFFS

137
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,000
Hey, do you know if they're
showing the match in here?

138
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,400
Ouch.

139
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,840
Sorry, they're just a bit sore.
It's fine though.

140
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,080
We should get them out that bra.
Yeah.

141
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,520
My flatmate won't be back for ages.

142
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:02,840
That's sexy.

143
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,040
You're a naughty, naughty,
naughty girl.

144
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,200
What the hell?!
Oh, yeah, what the hell.

145
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,040
Ho-ho!

146
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,240
Hello?

147
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,840
Oh, my God.

148
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:21,680
Oh, my God.

149
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,480
A lovely place you've got.

150
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:29,960
Yeah. I've been burgled!

151
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,000
But have they taken the bed? Hmm.

152
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,800
Yeah. Or if not, the floor
is just as good.

153
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,040
SHE RETCHES

154
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,920
SHE VOMITS

155
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,480
You all right?

156
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,200
Hon?

157
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,840
Honey?

158
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,480
Baby girl?

159
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:56,520
Gemma!

160
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:57,600
Gemma? Thanks.

161
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,760
I could Deliveroo us some oysters.

162
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,560
Someone's stolen all my things,

163
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,680
so unless your cock fires out
Argos vouchers

164
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,680
I'm not going anywhere near it
tonight.

165
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,200
Keely, did you lock up properly?
Cos we've been fucking burgled.

166
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,560
I'm calling the police,
but you need to get back here now.

167
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:28,880
I can see you.

168
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,000
I'll go...shall I?

169
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,160
Yeah.

170
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,040
Meeting you tonight...

171
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:39,520
..has changed my life.

172
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,760
DM me, Gemboodles. Gemma!

173
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,880
HE CHUCKLES

174
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,560
Don't ignore me.

175
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:53,120
I know where you live.

176
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,920
You're back very early.

177
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,200
Yeah.

178
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,200
I met...Danny at The Red Rock
and we...

179
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,520
Anyway, thank God I came back early.
We've been burgled.

180
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,880
Are you moving out?

181
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,680
I'm going to be a mummy!

182
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,120
Me and Sancho are having a baby.

183
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,520
What?

184
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:27,360
Sancho is an idiot who once stapled
himself to a park bench.

185
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,800
Hey!

186
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,040
Sancho has a lovely flat.

187
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,160
No, you're right, he does, actually.

188
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,480
Very nice carpets.

189
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,680
Yeah, well...

190
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,120
We didn't plan on becoming
Mummy and Daddy so soon,

191
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,520
but when we found out...

192
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,560
So, no doubts at all, then?

193
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,360
Yeah, a few.

194
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,360
Can we afford it?

195
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:51,080
Am I going to get fat?

196
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,960
What if I end up tearing my vaginger
from front to back

197
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,800
and my entire poop system
needs rebuilding?

198
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,920
That can happen? Can and does. Oof.

199
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:02,240
- But in the end...
- ..I knew I wanted this.

200
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:29,560
Fuck.

201
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,000
Congratulations, Gemma.

202
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,480
Do you know
when your last period was?

203
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,240
Could have been a few weeks ago.

204
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,360
Or a couple of...months.

205
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,240
OK.

206
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,840
I was given a workshop on
how to do this tactfully,

207
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,840
but these appointments are only
eight minutes long so...

208
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,480
Is the father around? No.

209
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,080
Do you know who the father is?

210
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,480
Erm... Pass?

211
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,080
Do you want to continue
with this pregnancy, Gemma?

212
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,840
You should probably
give it some thought.

213
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,360
Having a baby - or not - isn't
something you should do on your own.

214
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,720
I've booked you in with the midwife.

215
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,640
Is there someone who can go along
with you? Mother? Sister? Friend?

216
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:23,960
Not really, no.

217
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,160
My mum's just ran off
with her and my dad's savings,

218
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,600
my sister's on remand
and my flatmate just moved out,

219
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,760
so my life's a mess right now.

220
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,480
Still...

221
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,760
Every cloud?

222
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,160
God, do you not find it
a bit depressing?

223
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,800
Eh? No! No.

224
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,000
I'm quite enjoying
my independence actually.

225
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,560
I'm living my best life, Gemma.

226
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:03,080
Well, you know, the best life
anyone can live sharing a bog

227
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,200
with five other fellas.

228
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,080
THUMP
Oh!

229
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,640
Oh, bollocks.

230
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,200
That keeps happ... Oh, shit...

231
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,720
Oh, Jesus, Dad, I really
need to eat something.

232
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,720
Yeah, just hang on. Hang on.

233
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,400
Ah!

234
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,680
Ow!

235
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,120
SHE RETCHES

236
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,000
Can I have this doughnut?

237
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,160
Eh?

238
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:33,320
Yeah...

239
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,560
I mean...

240
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:38,320
I mean, I was saving it,
but, you know.

241
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,440
Oh, thanks, Gem.
It's just that...

242
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,480
I just haven't had the chance to
get down the garage, you know.

243
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,200
Wait, you do your
food shop at the garage?

244
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,200
Yeah. Why not the supermarket?

245
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,640
Because your mother gave
back the family car

246
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,440
and real men don't use taxis.

247
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,040
Would you like a lift
one night after work?

248
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,360
Oh, would you, love? Yeah.

249
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,760
I'm starving. Yeah.

250
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,760
Here, look. Oh, you were
going to tell me something.

251
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,000
Doesn't matter. OK.

252
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,880
VIDEO CALL RINGS

253
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,120
Gemma, love! Hi, Mum.

254
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,520
Has your father died?

255
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,440
No! Why?

256
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,280
Well, last time I saw him
he looked as if...

257
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,560
I wondered if he'd got something
they haven't found yet.

258
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,920
He looks like he'd have a lump
somewhere. Mum!

259
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,880
No, I'm not wishing this upon him,
he just looks ill.

260
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,600
Is everything else OK?
Is Catherine OK?

261
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:25,840
Still in prison.

262
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,760
But she hasn't been shanked
or anything, has she?

263
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,520
What is your obsession
with people being dead?

264
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,080
It's 3am, love.

265
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,800
If someone hasn't died, it's
a bit rude calling at this time.

266
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,120
Where are you? Montreal.

267
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,120
I thought you were in Paris.

268
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,800
Yeah, well, they speak French here,
too.

269
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,680
Should I go? Yes!

270
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,160
Well, it's just that...

271
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,400
Stop looking so nervous, Gemma.

272
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,800
You're embarrassing me
in front of my friends.

273
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:04,840
Friends? Yeah.

274
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,680
I've, err, got her initials
tattooed on my thigh.

275
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,520
Wasn't strictly my choice but...

276
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:14,880
..you know...

277
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,640
So how is Dad?

278
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,080
He's a mess.

279
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,880
Well, Mum is ruthless.

280
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,280
Yeah.

281
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:23,640
She is.

282
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,200
See where you get it from.

283
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,720
Did Gary hurt you? What? No!

284
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,200
No, he really loves me.

285
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,360
So why did you pay someone to
push him off the fire escape?

286
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:40,600
I have three members of staff,

287
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,320
all of whom have
special educational needs.

288
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:43,840
No, they don't. You've met 'em.

289
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,880
They seem to have
special educational needs.

290
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,960
No-one else was going to employ 'em.

291
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,800
Look, cashing in on Gary's life
insurance was the easiest way

292
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,560
to keep the sandwich shop solvent.

293
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,520
It was a legitimate
business decision.

294
00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:00,160
I don't remember Deborah Meaden ever
trying to have someone murdered.

295
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:04,000
Anyway, Gary's fine now, so I don't
really see what the problem is.

296
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,920
You honestly don't, do you?

297
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,480
No.

298
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,200
Anyway, I have some news
of my own actually.

299
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,760
Oh. Yeah.

300
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,880
I'm... Oi. No standing.

301
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,880
No way! Right, nobody move!

302
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,640
ALARM RINGS
Fuck's sake, Gemma.

303
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,480
I wasn't, "rubbing a stash
of yummy heroin."

304
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,080
I'm having a baby.
Congratulations.

305
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,880
I'm still going to need to
see your arsehole, love.

306
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:30,080
Don't worry, a bum search is
nothing compared to giving birth.

307
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,720
In fact, this is good preparation

308
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,240
for all those midwives
looking up your foof.

309
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:37,360
A little bit of life learning...
..on me.

310
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,800
BABIES BABBLE

311
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:51,520
What can I get ya?

312
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,800
Oh, err, flat white - decaf. Thanks.

313
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,280
That'll be 2.50.

314
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,440
Oh, fuck.

315
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,680
Fuck, I've lost my card.

316
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,600
Of course I have, cos it's me.

317
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:09,040
I expect my car'll get nicked
or my kidneys'll fail next.

318
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,880
Fuck. What can I get ya?

319
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,240
No, no, no.
I'll, err, I'll get hers.

320
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,080
Thanks.

321
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,480
No worries.

322
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,360
I hope the other stuff
doesn't happen.

323
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,720
I'm not sure I can stretch to a car.

324
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,080
Or a kidney.

325
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,120
HE BREATHES NERVOUSLY

326
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,160
Oh, great spread, Malc.

327
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,680
Yeah. Here you go.

328
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,440
So, erm, look, I just...

329
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,240
I just... I just wanted
to bring up the, erm...

330
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:54,520
..the bathroom.

331
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,720
GAME ON PHONE

332
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,320
What the fuck is wrong with
the bathroom?

333
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,880
Er, nothing. No, I just thought...

334
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,600
I thought we could maybe, erm...

335
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:04,800
..you know, clean it?

336
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,880
I mean, not all the time,
obviously just, erm...

337
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:07,920
Maybe just once?

338
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,720
That bathroom is a shrine to us

339
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,880
having broken free
of the shackles of women.

340
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,880
It's art, Malcolm. Yeah.

341
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,200
Yeah, no, no, I get that, I do.
It's just...

342
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,400
It's just that, err, you know,
not everything goes into the bowl

343
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,600
all the time
and nobody cleans it up, you know.

344
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,680
Are you saying you don't
misfire sometimes?

345
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,600
Well, wee, yeah.

346
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:29,760
But you know "not wee"...

347
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,120
I stood in some the other day,
I had to soak me foot in Dettol.

348
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,840
I can't expose it to
direct sunlight now.

349
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,880
HE SCOFFS

350
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,520
Poor pathetic Malcolm.

351
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,800
The foot vampire.

352
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,000
THEY LAUGH ALTERNATELY

353
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,400
I'm not a foot vampire.

354
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,920
Foot vampire! Foot...
Chant, Andy!

355
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,800
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!

356
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,000
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
I'm not...

357
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,400
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
Foot vampire!

358
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,360
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
Foot vampire! Foot...

359
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,320
All right, I'm a foot vampire, eh?

360
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,960
Argh! Foot vampire! Foot vampire!

361
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,680
Argh!

362
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,880
That's just fucking weird, Malcolm.

363
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:11,920
Sorry.

364
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,680
So that's the flat.
The room's available immediately.

365
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,080
And did Baris, the landlord, tell
you that bills aren't included?

366
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,280
Yeah. Yeah.

367
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,960
Do you mind if I
write my name on my food items?

368
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,960
See, I've been stung in the past.

369
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,720
Lost a lot of money
not writing my name on food.

370
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,680
Sure.
And I like to often wear gloves.

371
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,720
Because of viruses...

372
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,440
..and other reasons.

373
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,400
So, Russell... Yeah.

374
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:39,760
Do you recognise me?

375
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:44,400
Yeah, I did... I did the voiceover
for Single Pringle Mingle.

376
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,160
The Welsh dating show.
With crisps?

377
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,400
No.

378
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,800
Sorry, I thought you were a...

379
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,800
Stand-up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I am. Yeah.

380
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:53,960
Ooh-eh.

381
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,960
It's nice.

382
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,160
I like it.

383
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,440
Thanks. How come you're
looking for somewhere now,

384
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:02,720
if you don't mind me asking?

385
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,760
I just got out of prison.

386
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:07,120
Don't worry,
I didn't do anything terrible.

387
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,000
I was in the Baader-Meinhof.

388
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:12,920
No?

389
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,160
No-one remembers.

390
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,680
What a waste of a life.

391
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:21,920
If I were to uncover the secret
government paedophile ring,

392
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,200
you'd be cool with me using this
as a base for meetings?

393
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,320
Is there a lock
on your bedroom door?

394
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,200
What? No, I'm just...
I'm just asking.

395
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,440
I'm just asking.
Yeah, I'm a feminist. So...

396
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:35,960
Yeah.

397
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,000
Nice.

398
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,920
Nice curtains.

399
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,320
The rent's a bit high.

400
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,080
Baris sets the rent.

401
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,560
If I pleasure you once a week,
could you knock 20 quid off?

402
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,720
No?

403
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,120
£10?

404
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:55,760
Wow.

405
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:02,160
So, err, what happens
if you don't get a flatmate?

406
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,040
Well, then, I'll have to pay
all the rent myself,

407
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,280
which I can't afford.

408
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,440
Hey, Gemma.

409
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,800
This is like the longest you and I
have spent together for ages,

410
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,240
isn't it?

411
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,920
What, 43 minutes,
including the drive?

412
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,840
Yeah.

413
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,160
You never came out to tea with us.
We always asked.

414
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,720
I know. Sorry.

415
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,320
Just, they put garlic
in everything, don't they?

416
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,480
They? Well, they/them.

417
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,440
You know, the people who make
the food when you go out.

418
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,360
They put garlic in everything.

419
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:33,840
Hey.

420
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,400
I should get some jacket potatoes.

421
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,320
Your mum used to hate them.

422
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:47,880
Dad, how many do you want?

423
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,280
No. They're normal potatoes,
aren't they? I need jacket potatoes.

424
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,240
What do you think
jacket potatoes are?

425
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,200
Well, they're special potatoes,
aren't they?

426
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,040
They're like, err, they're
covered in, like, leather.

427
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,240
Well, not leather.
But, you know, something.

428
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:03,960
Covered in something
because they're called...

429
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,880
..jacket, aren't they?

430
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,480
No.

431
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:12,960
They're just normal big potatoes
cooked in the oven and/or microwave.

432
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960
Jesus fucking Christ!

433
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:18,520
Are you all right, love? No.

434
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,000
I'm not all right, Dad.
I'm pregnant.

435
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,320
I'm pregnant
and I'm about to be homeless

436
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,760
and I don't know who the father is
and I don't have any women in

437
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,120
my life to support me

438
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,920
and I don't want my baby growing up
to be the kind of moron

439
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:33,840
who thinks jacket potatoes are
potatoes covered in leather!

440
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,280
I'm going to be a grandad!

441
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,040
Oh, Gem.

442
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,520
Come here. Come here.

443
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:48,600
Oh...

444
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,240
Look, I know...

445
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:55,840
I know your mum and your sister
aren't here, but you've got me.

446
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:58,440
Eh?

447
00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,960
Come here.

448
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,400
It's all right.

449
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,120
I'm going to be a grandad.

450
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,280
These are happy tears!

451
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,160
They are not happy tears. Oh...

452
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,040
Oh, Gem.

453
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,200
Hey, this is exciting, isn't it?
Are you excited?

454
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,480
Eh, us living together!

455
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:21,680
Thrilled.

456
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,360
Yeah, love.

457
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,920
I really want to support you,
you know,

458
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,440
at this important time in your life.

459
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,480
I got you something,
from the garage.

460
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:34,600
Look.

461
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,320
Woohoo.

462
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,800
It's not for you. You know,
it's for the...

463
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,280
..erm, thing.

464
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,360
Hey, you might as well
leave that open, you know,

465
00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:59,720
because Derek's coming
with me duvet.

466
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,600
Oh, thanks, mate.

467
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:05,880
You're welcome, king.

468
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,360
Heard you're up the stick.

469
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:12,560
Lucky escape.

470
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:13,840
Who for? You or me?

471
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,880
DEREK CHUCKLES BITTERLY

472
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,920
I'm trying really hard to enjoy
the company of women.

473
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,080
You look lovely.

474
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:25,960
Fancy a brew? Yeah.

475
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,760
Good. Eh? Get the kettle on.

476
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,160
MOVIE MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS

477
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,000
TV STOPS

478
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,760
RoboCop.

479
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:47,960
Best film ever made.

480
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,680
I've seen it 15, 20 times.

481
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,640
And yet you still stayed
and watched it again.

482
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,120
I wanted to see if Malcolm liked it.

483
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:58,000
Best film ever made. See!

484
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,480
And that bit where they turn the guy
into the toxic sludge monster!

485
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,760
Oh, yeah. Oh, baby.

486
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,880
They never used to show
that bit on the telly. Yeah.

487
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,240
First time I watched RoboCop
on DVD I was like...

488
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,600
"Oh, ja!

489
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,800
"Oh, what the fuck is this?
Oh, ja, this is amazing!"

490
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,000
Right, Malcolm? Yeah, amazing.

491
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,440
STOMACH GURGLES
Oh, God.

492
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:19,240
Anyway, speaking of toxic sludge...

493
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:21,560
Oh, God.

494
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,360
Don't worry, I'll go in after,
make sure everything's all right.

495
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,600
What if everything isn't all right,
Dad?

496
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:38,560
It will be.

497
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,040
Oh, hey. Might be a good idea
to get some Dettol.