1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:08,800
This programme contains
strong language.

2
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,320
Hiya. Hey.

3
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,600
Oh, we're not a couple, by the way.

4
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,680
I am single and open to offers.

5
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,240
CHUCKLES

6
00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:24,000
Maybe here's not the best place to
be soliciting for male attention.

7
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,080
Hello! Hello, hello, hello.

8
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:31,640
My name's Twinky and I'll be leading
the classes for mummies-to-be

9
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,280
and, er...and very good pals.

10
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,760
So, firstly, can I ask you all,

11
00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,040
what is this?

12
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,560
The most beautiful thing
in the world.

13
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:52,080
So, yeah, if you'd like to
download my hypno birthing album,

14
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:56,120
it's, er, 17 tracks of me
whispering affirmations.

15
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,160
It's only £15.99 on iTunes.

16
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,760
It's good.

17
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:03,080
Naughty Twinky! I'm not
supposed to tell you that.

18
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So don't inform the bosses.

19
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,240
TWINKY LAUGHS
Did we have any questions?

20
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,880
Yeah, I just wanted to
ask about pain relief.

21
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,080
Why?

22
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,320
Because giving birth
is really painful.

23
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,680
Which naughty scamps told you that?

24
00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,480
Dorothy Downer been telling
a few fibs, has she?

25
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:24,200
Sorry, are you trying to tell us
that giving birth isn't painful?

26
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,800
Because that isn't what
any of the baby books say.

27
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Don't like books.

28
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:31,280
Actually, the most beautiful,
natural feeling in the world

29
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is the exquisite pain of childbirth.

30
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So, let's not listen to any
pessimistic little girlies.

31
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That one's for you!

32
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What if I tear?

33
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:45,840
Well, that's what Mummy Nature
has demanded of your body,

34
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,400
and your body has answered her call.

35
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,040
Next.

36
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:51,440
What if I die?

37
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Some people think that
dying in childbirth

38
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is actually better than
medical intervention.

39
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Although that's not something
I can publicly endorse.

40
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Again.

41
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,680
Oh, yeah. What now?

42
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,320
Twinky,
how many babies have you had?

43
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,240
Yeah, erm...

44
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,160
I am mummy to three...

45
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..very feisty French bulldogs.

46
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,840
They didn't travel
down your cervix though?

47
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:22,760
Oh, mate, she knows
nothing about having a baby.

48
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Those doggies suckled on my teats
for two months, actually.

49
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So, take your bad attitude,
you're barred. Get out.

50
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GROANS SOFTLY

51
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,160
I only wanted to know
about pain relief.

52
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,640
Did Mum have any drugs?

53
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,000
Oh, I can't remember.

54
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,640
She was definitely angry.
But then your mum was always angry.

55
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:48,400
Giving birth or being annoyed at me
putting up some wonky wallpaper,

56
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,560
it all just blends
into one long shout.

57
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,080
Dad, why are you measuring my walls?

58
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,280
Oh! It's a surprise.

59
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,800
I'm not sure I want a surprise
that involves a drill.

60
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Oh, all right, I was just, erm...

61
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,800
I was just trying to
be useful, you know.

62
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No, I know. Sorry.

63
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,160
I just get worried about

64
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how a baby's going to
fit in to all of this.

65
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:14,240
Hey.

66
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,120
They're only little.

67
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,600
You know, in Finland, they
give you a box to put them in

68
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,040
for the first couple of months.

69
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,480
Derek was telling me about it.

70
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:27,840
Hey?

71
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,320
Now, we can fit a box
in here, can't we?

72
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DRILLING

73
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DRILL HITS OBSTACLE
Oh, bollocks!

74
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,720
So, your solicitor called me.

75
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,280
You're not pleading guilty, then?

76
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,080
Course I'm not.

77
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You are guilty.

78
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I have a very strong case.

79
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:53,720
What case?

80
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Sex game gone wrong.

81
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,560
You paid someone to push
your fiance down the stairs.

82
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:00,840
I did...

83
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:05,320
..but it was part of
a sex game gone wrong.

84
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,520
How is that a sex game gone wrong?

85
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:10,000
Oh, I don't want to have
to spell it out for you, Gemma.

86
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,080
Well, you're going to have
to spell it out to a jury.

87
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,880
I knew you would kink-shame me.

88
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,240
You are so vanilla, Gemma.

89
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,400
No, it's not vanilla
to not pay for someone

90
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,960
to be pushed off a fire escape
as part of a sex game.

91
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,760
Yeah. Vanilla!

92
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,800
You and Dad will still be there,
though, right? At the trial?

93
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,640
It's two weeks after my due date.

94
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:30,920
Gemma!

95
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,960
I'm going to try, I promise.

96
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,400
But I'm not sure
I can even bring a two-week-old.

97
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,320
Isn't it contempt
of court or something?

98
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,440
Can't Auntie Jess look
after it or summat? Nope.

99
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,960
Her and Dad haven't
spoken for years.

100
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,520
What about the father?

101
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,080
You remember
I went on holiday to Portugal?

102
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,080
It happened on the flight back.
That's where I got pregnant.

103
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:52,800
On the plane? Mm-hm.

104
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,040
In the toilet.
With a total stranger.

105
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,200
Not so vanilla now, eh?

106
00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,840
Oh, super vanilla.

107
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,480
You come back to me when
you've done it in the cargo hold

108
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,240
next to a crate containing
two drugged-up German Shepherds.

109
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,760
All right?

110
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:09,880
That didn't happen.

111
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,240
It did.

112
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,600
Yeah, I think the whole
Becoming Mummies business model

113
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,520
is based on none
of us having a clue.

114
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:21,040
Which is why I called Jess earlier.

115
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:23,760
Jess?

116
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:24,880
Your sister.

117
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:26,360
Who else would I be talking about?

118
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,160
I don't know. Erm...
Jessica Fletcher?

119
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,000
Dead, fictional Jessica Fletcher?

120
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,160
No, not her.

121
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,480
Auntie Jess. Her and Tyrone

122
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,800
have invited us over
for dinner this weekend.

123
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,880
I'd, erm... I'd rather not, thanks.

124
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,400
Come on.

125
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,960
See the new house.
She says they've just got a hot tub.

126
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:46,160
Yeah? Well, I'm not...not
a hot tubby type of person, am I?

127
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,400
Please, Dad.

128
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,720
Be really helpful for me
to talk to Jess about all this.

129
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,160
She's been through it, you know,
having a baby on her own.

130
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,160
Well, I'm sorry, I'm double-booked.

131
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,120
You're not even single-booked.

132
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,920
Tyrone's not that bad.

133
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,600
Well, not to you, but
he hates me, doesn't he?

134
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,040
I think it's cos he used
to suck cocks for crack.

135
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,800
Why would that be the reason
he hates you?

136
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,800
I don't know. You know,
maybe I remind him of a punter

137
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,440
who ran off without paying.

138
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:13,160
Dad, you can't not see your sister
because her boyfriend bullies you.

139
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:16,040
I know he bangs on a lot
about the cocks and the crack,

140
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,280
but he has a skip hire business now.

141
00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:19,960
You know, maybe he's mellowed.

142
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,560
You can't avoid him forever.

143
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,920
Well, I've avoided him
for three years.

144
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,400
Just need to carry on
for a bit longer

145
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:26,600
until one of us dies, don't I?

146
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,760
I don't want that now.

147
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,120
Hold your breath, Gemma.

148
00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:33,920
I'm just fixing Winnie's do.

149
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,400
The advice isn't to
hold your breath around chemicals,

150
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,880
it's to avoid them altogether.

151
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,680
What's that, Rita, love?

152
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,680
Oh, apparently hairspray makes
boy baby bits go all small.

153
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:44,920
It's PC gone mad.

154
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,720
Hairspray can cause genital
growth defects in baby boys.

155
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:48,960
I'm not making it up.

156
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,440
Big Pharma told her.

157
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,200
Is it a boy then, Gemma?

158
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,200
I don't know.
I want it to be a surprise.

159
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,040
Oh, like a Kinder egg? Yeah.

160
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,840
I mean, if I give birth
to a small plastic camel

161
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:02,320
that comes in three parts,
that would be surprising.

162
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,120
Do you want kids, Rita?

163
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,520
Me? No.

164
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,880
Love my fanny too much.
I mean, I'm still as tight as

165
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,680
the lid on a jar of
out-of-date Marmite down there.

166
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,520
You can pass that information on to
your father, when you see him later.

167
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:17,240
I can't think of any information
I'd want to pass on less.

168
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,720
A little boy with normal-sized bits.

169
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,600
Do you find it weird to think that

170
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,480
maybe you've got a little winky
growing inside of you, Gemma?

171
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,720
I do now. Thanks.

172
00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,080
Hiya. Lunch?

173
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:33,720
Thank God you're here!

174
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:36,480
Ladies.

175
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,400
He's lovely.

176
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:43,400
Brings her lunch every week
and they're not even doing it.

177
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:44,840
I heard that.

178
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,320
Oop! Ahem...

179
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,400
I don't know why I thought
they'd offer up wisdom.

180
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:52,760
Rita spent most of yesterday

181
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,320
talking about Ronnie O'Sullivan
and puppy farming.

182
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:59,280
Well, er, talking about
strange combinations...

183
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,480
..tuna and lemon curd
sandwich as requested.

184
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,560
Oh...

185
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,680
You were joking about craving tuna
and lemon curd, weren't you?

186
00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,120
I'm so sorry! I didn't think
you'd actually make it.

187
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,720
I didn't, don't worry.

188
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:18,520
I got this from the, er...
the Boots meal deal.

189
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,560
Do you want the cheese instead?

190
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,080
Thank you.

191
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,160
Pregnancy is so weird.

192
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,600
It is really weird.

193
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,240
Does the baby kick much?

194
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:33,600
Mainly when I'm excited.

195
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:39,240
Can I? Or is that inappropriate?

196
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,760
Doesn't really feel
like kicking anyway.

197
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,760
More like someone's put
a bag of eels in my uterus.

198
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,200
Did you feel that?

199
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,360
Yeah!

200
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,200
She letting you have a touch?

201
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,520
Won't let me near it.

202
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,560
"I want to have a feel, Gemma!"
I keep saying to her.

203
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,480
You've got incredibly
cold hands, Rita. Yes.

204
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,000
And I am very proud of them.

205
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,560
Should, woulda, coulda
been a pastry chef.

206
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,400
If I wasn't allergic to pastry.

207
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,640
Ten centimetres?

208
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,920
You know, I reckon
I could get my head through that.

209
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,520
You think you can fit your head
through your daughter's cervix?

210
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,880
Well, now you put it like that,
I think...

211
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:26,080
You said you'd be helpful.

212
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,040
Sometimes baby does
get stuck in the birth canal

213
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,320
and needs a little bit
of help to get out.

214
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,640
Does anyone know what we would use
in that situation?

215
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:34,880
Oh, me! Yeah?

216
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,280
Butter.

217
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,840
Nobody uses butter
to get babies out.

218
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,400
For fuck's sake.

219
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,280
That's actually
a very good suggestion.

220
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,680
Anything natural,

221
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,000
over those nasty instruments.

222
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,040
Sorry, so butter is
better than forceps? Yep.

223
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:57,040
So, after baby's born, Mummy
will need to birth the placenta.

224
00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:00,040
Oh, we didn't have that,
when you were little.

225
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,200
The placenta?

226
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,840
Yeah, yeah, your mum didn't have
that. That's a modern thing, that.

227
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,480
Yeah, it's... It's woke, isn't it?

228
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,600
So, you can have a hormone
injection to speed things up.

229
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,160
What's better? Having it or not?

230
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:14,320
Well, having the injection cuts
the chances of Mummy haemorrhaging.

231
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:19,080
But it's not as beneficial to baby.

232
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,520
Oh, well, you're not having that.

233
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,480
She's not having that.

234
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,040
If it's better for the baby,
then you're not having that.

235
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,480
Now, don't forget that you can buy

236
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,400
my organic mummy
and baby supplements.

237
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,920
Just £19.99 a bottle, so...

238
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,680
Just grab those on your way out.

239
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,520
LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY

240
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:41,000
Oh, we do find that natural mummies
like these, so probably not for you.

241
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,280
You want to be helpful?

242
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:48,120
Come with me to see Auntie Jess.

243
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,560
Whoa! I wonder how many
cocks you'd have to suck

244
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,080
to get a house this big.

245
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,120
Reckon Tyrone lives there?

246
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,800
I really don't want
to do this, Gemma.

247
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,800
I'm not going to let anything
bad happen to you.

248
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,080
Oh! Hiya! You've found us.

249
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,880
Malc. Gemma.

250
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,000
Oh, it's not a fucking skip!

251
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,480
Fuck's sake. It is a skip.

252
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,040
No, it's an advert for
Tyrone's skip hire company

253
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,160
but the neighbours
think it's a skip.

254
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,640
Because it's a skip.
It's not a SKIP!

255
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,520
Oh, it's lovely to see you both.

256
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,000
Shall we?

257
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,400
Oh...

258
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:35,880
CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

259
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,640
You look well, Jess. Yeah.

260
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,400
Tyrone pays for me to get a
colonic once a month, so...

261
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,040
Ooh, trifle! Thank you.

262
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,160
OK. Come on then.

263
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,240
You can do this.

264
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,120
Now we're in the new house,

265
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,280
Tyrone has a very good
footwear system in place.

266
00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:58,800
"Footwear system"?

267
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,800
Shoes off. You can pop some slippers
on before leaving the air lock.

268
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,040
Then when we head outside,

269
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,560
there'll be garden sliders for
everyone by the patio doors.

270
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,240
Ooh!

271
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,840
Oh, eh! Nice new house, Jess.

272
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:20,600
Are you going to give us a tour?
Yeah...

273
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,720
Actually, I don't want
either of you going upstairs.

274
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:27,120
But Jess can videocall you from the
landing, show you round that way?

275
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:28,560
OK. It's fine, thanks.

276
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,280
How's the warehouse then, Malcy?

277
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,760
Been promoted to tea boy yet?

278
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,440
I wish!

279
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,480
I'm sorry again about Davina.

280
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,320
Do you need a wee, love? Yeah.
OK, go to the loo.

281
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,160
Don't you dare
piss on those slippers!

282
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,960
By the way, Gemma,
congratulations, love!

283
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,000
Aw. Thank you.

284
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,000
It's just a little something
from me and Tyrone.

285
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,040
Aww! Yeah.

286
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,080
Ooh...

287
00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,280
Cabbage leaves?

288
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,160
Yeah, it was Tyrone's idea.

289
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,920
You stick 'em in your bra
when your boobs get sore.

290
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,000
I mean, they'll be rotten
by the time the baby comes,

291
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,640
but it's the thought
that counts, isn't it?

292
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,840
Yeah. You know, I have heard some
breast-feeding horror stories.

293
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,800
Oh, yeah. I could only
face it for 24 hours.

294
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,440
I've got that Sad Nipple Syndrome.

295
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,440
What? Sad Nipple Syndrome.

296
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,960
It's where if anything or
anyone touches my nipples,

297
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,920
I'm just overwhelmed with
a sense of melancholy.

298
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:30,960
She telling you about her
unhappy fun bags? Yeah.

299
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,200
That's not a real thing.
Oh, it is a real thing.

300
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,840
Yeah. Sad Nipple Syndrome's
a real thing.

301
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,040
I can't go anywhere near them

302
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,960
without Jess feeling
existential malaise.

303
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,720
Ain't that right, baby? Yeah.

304
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,040
Her arse, though...

305
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,800
SLAPS JESS
Oh!

306
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,360
THEY LAUGH
Cheeky. Yeah.

307
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,480
I built that skip hire business
from the ground up with hard graft.

308
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,120
Zero cocks, zero crack.

309
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,400
Amazing. No cocks whatsoever?

310
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,840
I've got the car,
I've got the house.

311
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,840
All that was left was the hot tub.

312
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,520
Lamb casserole, Malcolm.

313
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,920
LAUGHS TIMIDLY
My favourite.

314
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,320
Davina could never eat lamb.

315
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,560
You know, cos she liked
that film Bambi so much.

316
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,200
Oh, yeah.

317
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,160
Dad, Bambi was a deer, not a lamb.

318
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,600
Oh, she must have got those
mixed up then, sorry.

319
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,800
Yet Davina couldn't keep away from
the kebab table at your ma's 70th.

320
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,480
Maybe she loved lamb, but you just
couldn't provide her with any.

321
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:39,960
She doesn't like it, Dad.

322
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,720
How many weeks are you, Gemma? 28.

323
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,080
Third trimester! Exciting. Yeah.

324
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,800
I was hoping you had
some advice, actually.

325
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,120
Never eat yellow snow.

326
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,160
Is that the only thing
you won't put in your mouth?

327
00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,840
I mean about being a single mum.

328
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,840
Oh, we don't discuss things
like that at the dinner table.

329
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,080
Things like what?

330
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,080
Jess's past.
Ty, I'll be quick.

331
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:09,400
Why don't you boys
get some more drinks, eh?

332
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:10,840
Go on.

333
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,360
Come on.

334
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,840
He doesn't like to think
about stuff like that.

335
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:19,880
My bits are very special to him.

336
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,480
Yeah.

337
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,520
Do you wish you'd
waited to have Mia?

338
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:27,520
There's never an ideal
time to have a baby.

339
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,680
You can be in the
perfect relationship,

340
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,840
with the perfect
bank balance and then,

341
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,400
in the blink of an eye,
life can fuck it all up.

342
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,560
A friend of mine was
married, great job,

343
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,680
had a baby with the love
of her life but then he...

344
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,120
Cheated?

345
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,360
..got eaten by a shark in Thailand.

346
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:55,480
You see that?

347
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:59,040
That air fryer cost me a grand.

348
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,480
Never used it.

349
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,720
Never needed to.
No idea what it does.

350
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,440
And I wasn't alone.

351
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:10,360
Your dad would always come over if I
needed anything fixing or painting.

352
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,440
He'd bring you and Catherine, and
babysit Mia if I wanted a night out.

353
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,360
God, I don't remember any of that.

354
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,600
Look, I know he can be
a real wally sometimes, but...

355
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,640
..he's going to love that baby
more than anything in the world.

356
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,960
And then, later on,
if you find someone to pay for

357
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,680
a little nip and tuck downstairs,
then even better.

358
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,320
Oh, here he is.

359
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,520
When do people get in the hot tub,
then? Is it after dessert,

360
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,120
or are you saving it
for your sex parties?

361
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,640
They'll be no-one
getting in my hot tub.

362
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,840
Even I'm not allowed in the hot tub.

363
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,240
Thank God, eh, Malcolm? Malcy
here's scared of hot tubs, in't he?

364
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:43,800
Are you?

365
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,280
I don't know.

366
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:47,520
He is. He definitely is.

367
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:50,840
Erm, well, you know, they're not my
favourite thing anyway, so, yeah.

368
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,600
You two are just here to
look at it and admire it.

369
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,680
There'll be no grubby people
getting in my hot tub.

370
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,000
Isn't there chlorine in it?

371
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,400
Yeah, I can afford
chlorine, Gemma! Jesus.

372
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,760
I just don't want people,
other than me, in it.

373
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,840
You wouldn't get in a bath with me,
would you?

374
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,520
Absolutely not.

375
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,200
No. No, I wouldn't, no.

376
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:19,360
I'd like to thank everyone
for coming here today,

377
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,640
to celebrate me and Jess hitting
a milestone in our relationship.

378
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,080
Ten years ago,
when I first met Jess,

379
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:26,880
I was on my knees
sucking cocks for crack.

380
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,520
I was good at it.

381
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,920
I sucked a lot of cocks,
but I also got a lot of crack.

382
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,880
I didn't realise, at the time,
that I'd hit rock bottom.

383
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,480
I quite enjoyed it, actually.

384
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,440
But then Jess gave me an ultimatum,

385
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,400
that night in Pizza Express.

386
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,600
She said stop sucking cocks
for crack, or lose her.

387
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,720
So, I stopped.

388
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,040
And now here I am, a decade later

389
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,640
with the most successful skip hire
business in the North West.

390
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,560
So, I'd like to raise a glass.

391
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,280
To the hot tub.

392
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,280
Ah, OK.

393
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:04,600
Hot tub.

394
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,920
You know, you and that
baby are totally fucked

395
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,520
if you think
he's going to be of any use.

396
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,440
Dad's been a lot more helpful
than you'd expect, actually.

397
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,200
You all know it. Jess knows it.

398
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,960
Useless brother, useless husband,
useless dad.

399
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,680
And he'll be a useless grandad
to that little baby.

400
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,160
And he's scared of hot tubs.

401
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,400
It's the only reason I bought one,

402
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,280
to see the fear in Malcolm's eyes.

403
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:27,440
I'm not.

404
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,680
I've remembered now and I'm not.

405
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:29,880
Yeah, I didn't think he was.

406
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,240
Yeah, you are. Otherwise,
what's this fucking tea all about?

407
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,200
Right, I'll show you!

408
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,320
What's he doing?
What's your dad doing?

409
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:37,560
I honestly have no idea.

410
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,920
Malcolm! Sliders off
before you go in the house, Malcolm!

411
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,320
Malcolm! Dad, what are you doing?

412
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,600
Right. I'll show you.
No, no... No!

413
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,160
I'm going to show you.

414
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,160
What are you... Oi! Oh, my God!

415
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,560
No! Weyyyy, ha-ha!

416
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:51,920
Right, I'm going to sit in here

417
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,120
and eat my lovely trifle
by my lovely daughter.

418
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:57,320
And I'm going to let this
water float away all my cares.

419
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,920
Malcolm, get out of that hot tub.

420
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,560
No! Oh, eh...

421
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,960
JESS AND GEMMA LAUGH
Whoa! No!

422
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,400
That's going to fuck the filter.

423
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,640
Get out, Malcolm!
Hey, this is good, love.

424
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:11,000
Jess, he's made it all mucky. He's
made it all mucky. I know, baby.

425
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,000
Oh, fantastic party, Tyrone.

426
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,440
Look at that.

427
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,360
Bloody lovely.

428
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,400
Is your partner late again?

429
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,080
No, I'm doing it alone, actually.

430
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,200
Oh...

431
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:31,600
Hello, everyone, I'm Dr Rush.

432
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,760
I've been asked to take over
this Becoming Mummies course

433
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,360
because Twinky has been arrested.

434
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,840
Let's get some questions
and we can see where the gaps are.

435
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,680
Is it possible to legally
force the midwife

436
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:48,160
to follow my birth plan
to the letter?

437
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,560
And can we sue them if they don't?

438
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:58,000
Planning a birth
is like planning a car crash.

439
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,600
We all know what we'd like to
happen, steer into the skid,

440
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,680
but sometimes you just have to
take your hands off the wheel.

441
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,520
That's a no, then, is it?

442
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,640
A birth plan is what you hope for.

443
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:14,440
Not what's actually going to happen.

444
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,520
That's not what Twinky said.

445
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,560
Well, Twinky was a bell-end.

446
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,240
You have no control
over any of this,

447
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,840
beyond your own attitude.

448
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,880
That's what makes this
all so terrifying.

449
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,640
But empowering, too.

450
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,600
Can I ask my partner to
try and avoid pain relief?

451
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:34,960
I mean, she should ignore you.

452
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,200
But, yeah, you can ask her.

453
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,320
Why don't you try slamming
his balls into a car door?

454
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,320
And if he can get through
that without pain relief,

455
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:42,760
then have the conversation.

456
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,200
Hey. I have something to show you.

457
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:58,720
MALCOLM LAUGHS

458
00:20:58,720 --> 00:20:59,960
OK.

459
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:03,920
GEMMA GASPS

460
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,720
Ta-dah!

461
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:08,920
Dad...

462
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,480
Oh, Dad! Yeah? Eh?

463
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,880
Not so useless now, am I?

464
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,520
No. Amazing drill work.

465
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,400
Yeah, well,
I know my way around a joist.

466
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,160
I don't even know what a joist is.

467
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:30,800
I'm so glad you like it.

468
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:33,800
I'll put dinner on.

469
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,040
Shit! What was that?

470
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,800
Nothing, nothing.

471
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:52,560
Shite!