[Kat] Well, at the very least, we can thank God it was a parked car you hit.
[Coop] What about the DUI? Is there any way to get that thrown out?
[Kat] I don’t know who the judge is yet, but most of them won’t throw out a DUI.
Our best bet, since it’s a first offense, is to plead it down to a misdemeanor.
Suspended license, alcohol education classes, community service.
And is there any way we can get it cleared from her record?
I will try to get the record sealed.
[inhales deeply]
Honestly, it would be easier if she was headed to college in the fall.
Is her declining Princeton already official?
- Afraid so. - Shit.
[scoffs] Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry, what?
- [grunts] Nothing. - Good.
Look, Tori's a good kid who's never been in any trouble.
I will try to push that as far as I can.
That's it? There's nothing else we can do?
Her pretrial conference is Wednesday at 3:00 p.m.
Uh, usually, we can work it all out right there.
This is gonna be okay, you guys. I promise.
But it's not going to disappear with a wink and a handshake,
and I think we all need to accept that.
This is crazy.
I was just moving my car so someone could get out.
- You think that's the crazy part here? - Mel.
No, she is not taking any responsibility for her actions here.
What about your actions?
We're not talking about me.
Were you sober when you decided to throw shit at your neighbors?
- Hey. - She's such a hypocrite.
No, she isn't.
She's your mother, and she's worried about you, okay?
Whatever issues you happen to have with us,
you waived your right to complain about them when you did what you did.
And I'm sorry if you don't think it's fair,
but right now, honestly, I don't give a shit about fair.
What I give a shit about is looking after you,
since you clearly can't be bothered to do it yourself.
Now, go wait outside.
I'll be out in a few minutes to take you to school.
[sighs]
I don't want you at my hearing.
[sighs]
[door opens, slams]
- [Mel] Sorry about her. - No, don't. Don't apologize.
I-I'm gonna get you through this, I promise.
But I do think maybe you should let Coop handle the hearing.
I'm her mother.
Mel, it's a small court,
and we can assume word of your arrest has gotten around.
I just don't want to muddy the waters.
Speaking of which,
I am pushing to keep your issues out of the court entirely.
- [sighs] Okay. - You can do that?
If you offer your neighbor a sincere apology and take care of the cleanup,
there's a chance this will just go away.
Wink and a handshake.
[scoffs] You want me to apologize to those assholes? Absolutely not.
Are you fucking kidding me right now? She's handing you a massive win.
- It's the principle of the thing. - Now you care about principles?
Apologize and be done with it.
Kat, they let their dog run wild. Surely there are laws against that.
It... It's irresponsible and dangerous. He could get hit by a truck.
If you don't do it, this could become a felony.
- What? - What?
I thought the charge would be criminal mischief.
It bumps up to a class D felony if the damages exceed $1,500.
Which is less than one landscaping bill for these people.
Plus, they have you on camera delivering a bag of excrement to their door.
I'm sorry, w-what's this now?
It was dog shit.
So, they have the bones of an intentional infliction of emotional distress case
if they want to tie you up in civil court as well.
Oh, my God. You cannot be serious.
Emotional distress? What about my distress?
Kat, can you just... Can you give us a minute?
Yeah, I'll go check on Tori.
This is insane.
Okay, what the fuck is going on with you right now?
- Nothing. - You brought them a bag of shit?
- It was their dog. I was making a point. - Come on.
Normal people don't behave that way.
- That's not normal behavior, Mel. - I asked these people
50 million times to curb their dog.
"Keep your dog in your own yard."
They ignored me time and again.
They-They-They never took me seriously.
They... [stammers] They made me feel like I was nothing.
How do you feel now?
[downcast music playing]
Exactly. You have to apologize to them.
[inhales deeply]
I have to take our daughter to school.
For the record...
I'm officially worried about you.
The Coopers are really becoming a cottage industry for me.
- [groans] - [chuckles]
Well, what can I say?
Mel was impressed with how you handled my case.
Yeah. Well, these two fall under a different category.
And what's that?
Mel's a close friend, so I won't be sending her a bill.
That's very nice of you.
I'll be sending it to you,
- and my rates just went up. - [inhales deeply]
Fair enough.
[nostalgic music playing]
[Coop] I could still remember every detail about the day Tori was born.
How impossibly light she felt in my arms.
How she sounded when she cried.
How she smelled.
How she waved her tiny fingers
like she was conducting an orchestra only she could hear.
I made a lot of promises that day to her and to myself.
And over the years, I'd kept most and undoubtedly broken a few,
but nothing prepared me for the shock of seeing my little girl behind bars.
And the problem was I couldn't credibly talk to my daughter about her bad choices
when I seemed to be making more and more of them with each passing day.
If I was gonna be any kind of parent to her,
I was gonna have to start righting my own ship.
[casual music playing]
[doorbell buzzes]
- Hi. - [Coop] Hi.
Thanks for seeing me.
In-person visit.
I have to admit, I'm intrigued.
And by intrigued, I mean concerned.
- I haven't been here since... - Yeah.
- [smacks lips] Drink? - No, thank you. I won't be staying.
That's what you said last time.
[chuckles]
- Sorry, I wasn't trying to... - It's all right.
Although, they, uh, can't fire you now.
[inhales deeply] I don't know what I'm saying. I'm sorry.
I don't know why I'm so anxious all of a sudden. Do you want a drink?
I already asked you that.
- Are you okay? - Sure.
I mean, you could have just called, but you didn't. So, clearly something is up.
And while I can't seem to stop talking,
whatever it is you're here for is drilling a hole in my brain.
Is Tommy Burns still working at Bailey in compliance?
Yes, Tommy's still at Bailey.
Why are you asking me about compliance?
I want you to have him look at my Excelsior investment.
He didn't have to. The investment didn't reach
- the KYC threshold. - I know.
So, there was no reason for compliance to do a review.
- Right. - But now,
after the money has been transferred
and we've both signed about ten pounds of documents,
you're asking me to essentially launch an investigation...
- That's right. - ...into your own business.
Are you sure you won't have that drink? I'm having a drink.
- The money is gonna come back bad. - I think you should stop talking.
It can be traced through a series of international dummy corporations
- to a man named Owen Ashe. - Wow, you're still talking.
Why couldn't you have just tried to get me into bed like a normal person?
- Liv. - I haven't had time for a date in months.
Your chances would have actually been excellent.
Owen Ashe is on the OFAC list.
Fuck, Coop!
Stop talking!
[chuckles shakily]
I-Is this about Jack?
Are you... you trying to take him down?
Because I have to tell you that's a long way to go
- for petty revenge. - This has nothing to do with Jack.
Or me? You're angry that I didn't stand up for you
- when Jack fired you. - It has nothing to do with any of that.
No? Then what the hell is this?
I'm just trying to do the right thing here.
[chuckles] Oh, it seems to me
- that ship has sailed, Coop, hasn't it? - Maybe.
And now you've dragged me into your mess.
- Listen, I-I-I had no idea... - Again.
...that Jack was gonna have you running point on this.
- Why not? Because I fucked you? - Because you're 28 years old,
- for Christ's sake. - I'm 29.
- What? - Nothing.
- Listen to me-- - I'm begging you to stop talking.
- Who knows? - [sighs] What?
The OFAC list. Who knows?
Well, you now.
Me and, you know,
the United States government.
- I'm not talking to Tommy in compliance. - Liv.
You wanna blow up your life, do it with someone else.
This flew under the radar, like you knew it would,
- and that's where it will stay. - Come on, Liv.
- Stop repeating my name. - You can't do this.
I didn't do this!
You did! You did this.
And you don't get to send me packing
because you're having some kind of crisis of conscience.
This isn't Madoff. It's not Theranos or Enron.
- No one is getting hurt. - We don't know that.
It is an arbitrary list
from a government riddled with ADHD that has no fucks to give.
Wake up, Coop. It's the Wild West out there.
No one is looking, and no one cares.
Listen to me, I used to be...
where you are now.
- Yeah, I doubt that strongly. - There's a math that you do.
[stammers] Calculus of compromise, right?
What am I willing to do to get where I wanna be, right?
Now, of course, once I get there, I'll-I'll stop doing the thing.
I'll-I'll stop taking risks because I'll be there, not here.
The thing is, you're never ever there.
There's no there.
You're always just here.
In the interest of ending this conversation,
I'm going to pretend that made any sense.
You found a way back, Coop.
Against all odds, and no one is getting hurt.
But if you blow this up, you and me, we're the ones who get hurt.
I lose my job and my reputation.
I end up serving fish and chips at my uncle's pub back in Cheltenham.
And you,
you're looking at ten years minimum if this gets out.
And even if you beat that, and you won't,
Jack will destroy you and your family.
You'll be in litigation you can't afford for the next ten years. [scoffs]
Why risk any of this?
I don't care about whatever his fucking name is, Owen Ashe. [chuckles]
I care about you,
and I care about me.
He's a bad guy, Liv.
[ominous music playing]
So, you manage him.
And I'll manage you.
[theme song playing]
♪ A paper shadow In a house of stone ♪
♪ The wooden flag Of a drifting dreamboat ♪
♪ I never knew How far the ride was gonna go ♪
♪ Till I looked back At the smoke ♪
♪ You can't keep up With the Joneses ♪
♪ Don't wanna run For the roses ♪
♪ I got my pocket of posies ♪
♪ Sometimes I wonder why ♪
♪ I just don't run With the Joneses ♪
♪ Don't wanna smell The dying roses ♪
♪ I got my pocket Full of posies ♪
♪ I don't keep up With the Joneses ♪
They were about to put up the drywall when they fired their designer.
They hate the layout.
So, you have carte blanche to redesign everything.
But the pool right here, it stays the same.
That's, uh, where it gets the most direct sunlight.
This lot is amazing.
- Yeah. - I know.
- [Suzanne] Mmm. - They were gonna pour the pool next week.
They'd like to at least keep that timeline, unless you have any concerns.
No, no, all good.
- That's definitely the spot. - Great.
We're in business. [chuckles]
So, how was your weekend in the Hamptons?
Yeah, I bet Ashe's place out there is something else.
Uh, it was, um... [stammers] It was interesting.
- Uh-oh. - What's going on?
I thought you guys had a good thing going.
[stammers] It, um... He's just, uh...
He's not an easy man to know.
And, you know, I just, I don't think I'm ready for it.
Look, I'm not exactly famous for knowing how to pick 'em.
- [chuckles] - So... [chuckles]
You've been through a lot.
And there's no denying that Paul was a major asshole.
- Suz. Well, uh... - Oh, come on.
It's not like I'm revealing state secrets here.
I'm just saying you can't let Paul take you out of the game.
- Mmm. - And you can't mess this up for yourself.
Ashe is like the opposite of Paul. He's a nice guy.
- And he's hot. - [Maggie chuckles]
And you know, not to state the obvious here, but...
[dubious music playing]
He's rich?
[Maggie] That's-That's not what she meant.
- [Suzanne] Don't tell her what I meant. - [chuckles] Then what did you mean?
[Suzanne] I'm just saying... [sighs] ...he seems like a catch.
[doorbell chimes]
[sighs]
I come in peace.
Our lawyer said that your lawyer would tell you
to come over and apologize. [chuckles]
Okay, she did.
But I also wanted to come and apologize.
I am so sorry
for pushing over the porta-potty and ruining your lawn.
It was late, and I was frustrated.
I've been going through kind of a hard time.
Let's just say you weren't catching me at my best.
But I wanna make amends.
And of course I'll pay for any and all damages to your lawn
and any place else that might have been affected by the...
waste.
Well, thank you.
We've made a list of the damages so far,
and we'll email you the invoices as they come in.
Sounds reasonable.
And again, I am just so very sorry for all of this.
I understand. I think we'd all like to move past it, okay?
Did you tell her?
Oh, hi, Brie. I didn't see you there.
Clay.
- [Clay sighs] - Tell me what?
As your neighbors, we would feel a lot better
if you completed a course in anger management.
Anger management?
[both grunting]
Our lawyer feels any judge would recommend that.
And if, in fact, we are gonna bypass the courts,
we don't want to shortchange the mental health aspect of this.
- Yours or mine? - What?
What? Nothing.
I get it, and I will look into that.
We appreciate that.
And my lawyer can send over a list of therapists if you need.
That won't be necessary. I know plenty of people in the field.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist.
[sneezes]
- [both] Bless you. - Thank you.
I'll get some more coffee.
Do you think she'd notice if we just snuck out?
So, how'd it go this morning with Mel and Tori?
It's a mess. [sighs]
I'll sort it out.
Uh, is Mel gonna be okay?
I don't know. There isn't a legal precedent
for dumping out a porta-potty on your neighbor's Kentucky bluegrass.
Well, they deserved it.
- Ali. - They did.
Responsible adults don't dump actual shit onto their neighbors' lawns.
You're blaming me.
- [Coop sighs] - [glasses clanking]
You all right in there, Mom?
- [Marley] I'm fine. - [clanking stops]
You know, I've been saving up some money.
I mean, you don't charge me rent,
and then there's the-the money that Dad left me.
Yeah, that wasn't very much.
Well, by your standards, maybe.
- [sighs] - Anyway, I was thinking about
- getting my own place. - Can we not talk about this now?
- To be a responsible adult. - Can we not?
What's wrong with now?
I don't know. Our father just died.
You shouldn't be making major life decisions.
I wasn't asking for your permission, Andy.
[door opens, closes]
Is she leaving already?
I doubt it.
I'm her ride.
[toys whirring]
[children laughing]
Esperanza.
Is that Owen's car out front?
- [Ashe] Hey! Go, go, go! Go, go! - [children squealing]
[Michael] Crashing cars!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - [exclaiming]
- [Ashe] The sheer, raw speed of that... - Buddy, slow down.
[Ashe] And the green car has taken the lead.
He's going around the corner.
Green car takes the lead, go un... right under the tunnel.
- [children laughing] - Hey! I'm a tunnel. [chuckles]
- What is... Hey! What is going on in here? - [squeals]
Race car extravaganza. Sorry, I didn't get you one.
- [Michael squeals] - Nice, buddy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna have to pit soon.
You met my kids?
Yeah, these cars aren't gonna drive themselves, are they, guys?
Hey, Mike, what'd you say when I asked you if you could drive one of these?
Doy.
[laughing]
Doy. His delivery kills me.
Yeah, I got them the same model, so don't worry about them comparing specs.
Although, I can tell the little one's got an eye for detail.
And you might be upset.
No, I just need a second.
- Where is Esperanza? - Okay, uh...
Something I should tell you before you go in there.
Esperanza, what is going on here?
Miss Samantha, I tried to call. You did not pick up.
[Ashe] Too much?
Yeah, okay, too much.
- Definitely, too much. - I need them to go.
Okay, understood.
And I need you to go with them.
Sam...
You just can't show up like this and take over my house.
Okay, you know, I just... [sighs]
After the Hamptons, you know, I thought...
You would double down?
Yeah, I was making a grand gesture.
I don't need gestures. I need space.
Which is the one thing you seem incapable of giving me.
All right, let's just calm down.
This is me calm.
Tell me to calm down again and see what happens.
You know, not for nothing, Sam, but a lot of women would find this flattering.
Okay, well, you should go find one of them before all that fish goes bad.
I'm sorry I overstepped.
Guys, pack it up.
[upbeat music playing]
[grunts, breathes heavily]
So Kat's representing Tori and Mel?
At this point, you should probably put her on salary.
- [Coop chuckles] - [grunts]
- You need a little help there, big boy? - No! [strains]
I'm not gonna be an old dad, Coop.
- Too late, pal. - [grunts] Fuck you.
[breathing heavily]
You tell Ashe you're not going to take him up on the 5% deal?
Not exactly.
What did you do?
I told Liv where the money came from.
Seriously? Are you insane?
It'll come from compliance. There's no way he'd know it was from me.
Even if that were true, he'll still blame you. Look...
Um...
I did some digging, all right?
Over the last ten years, Ashe has been investigated
for the disappearances of three people he was in business with.
This is a guy who knows how to make people disappear.
Well, it doesn't really matter because apparently it's not gonna be an issue.
What are you talking about?
Bailey's not gonna investigate?
They can't afford to.
This comes out, they lose Cricket and Excelsior collapses.
That might actually be better for you, all things considered.
Just... just leave this alone, Coop.
You're the one who said we need to get this guy out of our lives.
We do. We definitely do, but we need to do this very carefully.
Okay.
- Okay, what? - Okay, you're fired.
- What? - You said it yourself.
He's a dangerous guy. You shouldn't be anywhere near him.
And you should?
I don't have the options that you have.
You're talking about Grace's father.
Yeah, she gave me a real earful up in the Hamptons.
Well, she shouldn't have done that.
She's got your best interests at heart, and she's right.
No, no, she isn't. All right?
If I go to work for Kwan,
I might as well put my cock and balls in a jar on his desk.
There's an image.
Besides, you can't fire me.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah. I don't have an NDA.
[laughs] I'll have HR get right on that.
[breathes heavily, grunts]
[sighs]
- [in Spanish] You don't say hello? - [gasps]
Félix! What the fuck? Do you have your own key?
I might as well.
Everything yours is mine right now.
You know, the reason I don't like to do favors,
is that some people see compassion as weakness.
And then they think they can take advantage.
That's not what this is.
I hope not.
Because I'm done with your bullshit.
It's not bullshit! I have the money.
If you had the money, I would have the money,
right?
So tell me,
how is a housekeeper gonna come up with 50 grand?
Well, 65 really.
That interest is a bitch.
I did it last time, didn't I?
Yeah.
I'm still kinda wondering about that.
I'll have it soon, Félix.
[sighs] Okay?
I promise.
It's not that I don't believe you,
but I work better with deadlines.
You have till the end of the week.
That gonna be a problem?
Two weeks would be better.
That's a lot more interest.
Not if you cut me a break.
[chuckles]
You want to cut me a break?
You know I always had a thing for you.
Mmm.
- Sorry, Félix. - Hmm.
I just want to be friends.
Good night.
One week.
[breathes shakily]
[in English] Hey. Does this side look a little higher to you?
Did you forget to tell me you had a talk with Coop?
- It may have slipped my mind. - Jesus Christ, Grace.
- I was worried about you. - Yeah?
Well, he just tried to fire me, so...
Okay.
Okay?
I just meant that you have other clients, Barney.
You know, clients that, mmm, haven't landed you in the hospital.
Well, that...
That's not the point.
Really?
- What is the point, then? - You're trying to push me into a corner,
so that my only choice is to work for your father.
And would that really be so bad?
You'd be making a lot more than you make now.
- I'm doing fine. - Really?
Are you doing fine, Barney?
Because I see the bank statements.
Oh, and the balance sheets.
You and me, Grace, right? Hmm?
Isn't that what we say? You and me?
Mm-hmm.
But it's not just you and me anymore, is it?
It's you and me, and two kids,
and one more on the way, and this house, and this town.
- I don't need any of this. - Well, you have it.
[sighs]
This is our home.
This is our life.
And you chose it just like I did.
You don't understand.
Really?
Okay.
Make me understand.
What am I missing here?
What would be so awful about working for my father?
The awful thing isn't working for your father.
The awful thing is how badly you want me to.
That son of a bitch never believed in me, but you used to, and now you don't.
Barney.
What...
[sighs]
Listen.
- That is not even a little true. - [scoffs]
You hear me?
I have been so worried about you 'cause you seem lost lately.
Hmm?
[tender music playing]
I know it's been a rough year, but I will figure this out, okay?
I need you to trust me.
Okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay, okay.
[exhales deeply]
[Coop] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop sign, stop sign, stop sign.
- Uh, okay, yeah. - [horn honks]
You're gonna wanna... You're gonna wanna
hit the brake a little sooner there, bud. Um...
- Sorry. - [Coop] No worries.
Okay, Tori, I'm gonna meet you and Kat at 3:00.
Can you please take an Uber from school?
You're not picking me up?
Oh, I can find someone to cover my last class if you want me to go with you.
It's fine, okay?
Tori will be fine. Let's not complicate it.
I can say it again in fewer words.
- [horn honks] - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Line.
At this point, I won't even make it to my hearing alive.
Can you please cut him some slack? It's a big car.
All right? Please.
Red light, red light, red light...
[grunts] Getting a little queasy back here, buddy.
Hunter, what the hell? Are you trying to kill us?
Do one of you want to drive?
Oh, wait, your license is suspended for drunk driving.
Yours is expired. And you're too busy arguing with everyone to pay attention.
So how about we just calm down and let me fucking drive in peace?
[sighs]
Okay. Green light.
[horn honks]
Hey.
Text me when you're on the way to the courthouse, okay?
Coop! Hey!
- [Coop] Hey. - [chuckles]
Hey, hey. Nice car.
[laughs] Thanks. Yeah, sorry, I haven't gotten around to returning it yet.
It's been a challenging couple of days.
Yeah, man, I heard about that. I'm sorry.
It never rains, but it fucking pours, right?
Boy howdy.
Hey, listen, um, I just really want to apologize
for how strong I came on at the beach.
I think the business with the Feds really threw me a little more than I let on.
I was not my best self, and, uh, I didn't mean to come off that way.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Now, don't get me wrong, I would love to see you back on top.
And that offer still stands.
But I want to be clear that that's what it is, okay?
It's an offer. And you can accept or not.
Well, I appreciate that.
- [chuckles] And? - And I'll consider it.
- Okay. Okay. - Yeah, yeah.
I just gotta deal with this Tori situation--
Yeah, of course.
- Let me know if I can do anything. - Thank you.
It's gonna be great, Coop. I promise you.
Give me the word. I'll have DeMille draw up the papers.
- You bet. - All right!
[engine starts, revs]
[both chuckling]
- [Elena] Gordy's going to a fashion show? - [Coop] You know Gordy?
Yeah, he's always checking me out when he's at Nick's.
Oh, that tracks.
Fashion show's for charity, and Gordy's a sponsor, so he has to go.
Wouldn't it make more sense to just give all the money to charity
instead of throwing all these expensive events?
You can't apply logic to philanthropy.
My bad.
Okay, I'm going in.
- Cameras? - You're all good.
And just to be clear, this is a grown man who collects baseball cards.
Valuable baseball cards.
If you say so.
Maybe while you're in there, you can look for something better.
Okay, I don't have time to browse. My daughter's hearing's at 3:00.
I need a good score here, Coop.
No more bullshit.
Thanks. The extra pressure is really helpful, Elena.
[Coop] Gordy and I had never been particularly close.
Like many men out here, our friendship was born
mostly out of convenience and compatible golf handicaps.
But he was doing a consulting job in Seoul around the time my marriage fell apart.
And Lisa was off doing whatever it was Lisa did,
so he let me crash at his place while I looked for a rental,
which meant, unless he had changed it, I still knew his alarm code.
- [keypad beeping] - It was a shitty way to repay a kindness,
but Elena was desperate, and once again, so was I.
Lisa was an influencer.
And as her following grew, so did all the free shit she got.
The thing about free shit, though,
is that eventually there's nowhere left to put it.
That's nice.
She's got a lot of followers.
If you say so.
[Coop] The 1967 Topps Tom Seaver rookie card,
- PSA Gem Mint 10, pristine condition. - [bat thwacks]
That year, Seaver was awarded the National League Rookie of the Year,
and two years later, he landed a Cy Young Award
and helped win the Mets their first World Series.
[cheerful music playing]
The card was now worth well over $300,000
thanks to a sports card market boom-bust cycle
fueled by male loneliness and nostalgia.
Nothing speaks to the neglected child inside
like ownership of a vintage graded card of the favorite player of your youth.
Hopefully, it'll retain its value better than Beanie Babies did.
They're back. You gotta get out now.
What?
[vehicle approaching]
[Gordy] Come on. Hey!
Will you quit being such a goddamn drama queen?
[Lisa] You are such an asshole!
[Gordy] I paid 100 grand to sponsor your stupid fucking event.
And now we're not even going!
[Lisa] Oh, of course! Make it about money!
- [Gordy] It's a fucking charity event. - [door bangs]
Of course it's about money.
We're gonna miss it. Will you stop being so fucking sensitive?
- I am not being sensitive, you dick! - [groans]
You just called me old.
Get back in the car. I did not call you old.
What I said is, "You should stop dressing like a 25-year-old."
Oh, because you know so much about fashion!
You do dress like a 25-year-old!
And posting your tits all over Instagram...
- Okay, my tits. - ...does not make you a fashion expert.
You can never just show up and support me.
[Gordy] Oh, my God. What are you talking about?
I don't support you?
Who the hell do you think pays for this whole charade that you call a career?
I generate income.
- [Gordy laughing] - Shit.
- [Elena] What's happening? - [Coop] They're having a fight.
Income?
Your so-called income doesn't even pay for your fucking shoes.
[Elena] Can you get out?
And you can't call it a career unless you make money doing it.
Not just yet.
[Lisa] Oh, my God.
You are such a pathetic little man
thinking your bank account makes your dick any bigger.
And you are just one of a million middle-aged white housewives
buying followers, whoring yourself on Instagram,
desperately trying to become Gwyneth fucking Paltrow
while your husband pays for the whole fucking thing.
I think they're just getting warmed up.
[Lisa] Okay, you used to like it when I had a career.
[Gordy] Yeah, that's when we were still fucking.
[Lisa] Oh, that's what this is about. You want to fuck?
- Please don't flatter yourself. - Oh, no. It's fine.
I'm literally dripping wet at the thought.
You haven't been wet since the Obama administration.
[Coop] There was a time when I would have jumped.
When I could have trusted my back to hold out and my knees to take the hit.
[sighs]
Of course back then I wouldn't have had to jump.
[sighs]
Now I had to, and I couldn't.
[sighs]
And that, friends and neighbors, was as good an illustration of middle age
as you're ever gonna get.
[Ali] All right, everybody, it's a C chord.
[guitar chords strumming]
And then it's an A minor.
Then an F.
Good job. And then a G.
All right. Well, this is what we've been working on for weeks.
So let's give it a little gusto.
Five, six, seven, eight...
[guitar music playing]
Keep going.
[sighs]
[music continues]
[music stops]
Is she coming back?
[music resumes]
[music ends]
- [Lisa] Shut the fuck up! - [phone buzzes]
[Gordy] Oh, my God. You are such an idiot! It is shocking to me!
- [Lisa] Do not come back! - I can't believe I'm gonna be late.
- [Gordy] You know what you're gonna do? - [sighs]
[Gordy] Let's take another three hours to wait for you to do your fucking hair!
[Lisa] Did you just fucking look at me like that?
[Ron] You used to love baseball.
I would take you to Shea to see the Mets play.
God, you could not get enough of it.
And now, when was the last time you took Hunter to a game?
It's gone now, Dad.
- What's that? - Shea Stadium is gone.
It's... They built the new one.
A lot of things are gone, Andy.
A lot of things are still here.
Dad.
Tori's on her way to the hearing, and where are you?
Stuck in a bathroom stealing a baseball card.
I think that's a little bit reductive, don't you?
This baseball card is worth $300,000.
And, uh, what's your daughter worth?
I'm doing this for her.
- For all of them. - I call bullshit.
- Dad. - When can you let it be enough, Andy?
- [Lisa] I am a content creator! - [Gordy] Oh, my God!
Time to go.
[Gordy] Your content is the same as every other influencer your age out there.
It's just you posting half-naked videos of yourself
pimping out products and calling them cute,
- so more people will send more products. - Time to go.
[Gordy] And then you can call them cute. You create nothing.
[Lisa] I am building a brand, shithead.
- [Gordy] For God's sake! - [Elena] Coop, what is happening?
- [Gordy] You are such an idiot! - Fuck this, I'm coming out.
- It is shocking to me! - [Lisa] Shut the fuck up!
[Gordy] You fill our house with all this shit!
We're like fucking hoarders!
Look at this fucking shit. What is this?
It's a dining room. It's not a fucking closet!
What the fuck is this?
Do not fucking touch my things!
- Give it to me! Asshole! - There's your fucking content!
Why don't you show everybody the fucking pigsty that we live in?
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
Why don't you just do the world a favor and die of cancer?
Oh, believe me, honey, cancer has got nothing on you.
[door lock clicks]
- Fucking... Give me the fucking thing. - Don't touch-- Shit--
- How the hell did you do that? - [sighs] Don't ask.
- Did you get the card? - [sighs]
Let's go. I'm late.
Sorry I'm late.
Okay, are we all here?
- [Kat] Yes, Your Honor. - Okay. Let's hear it.
[sighs] Your Honor, I think we all want the same thing here,
which is to acknowledge the severity of the offense
while not letting it damage Miss Cooper's very promising future.
Miss Cooper has acknowledged the terrible error in judgment she made,
and she is prepared to take responsibility for it.
That said, she's never been in any kind of trouble,
she's a straight-A student, a star on the Mayfield tennis team--
I know the speech, Ms. Resnick.
I've heard it way more times than you've given it.
What's your pitch?
Plead down to Misdemeanor DWAI, suspended license for three months,
25 hours community service.
That's pretty light.
Like I said, she's a great kid.
This was an aberration on an otherwise spotless record.
[judge inhales deeply] Miss Cooper.
I take it you understand the severity of your offense?
Yes, Your Honor. I made a terrible mistake.
I have two daughters, just a little older than you,
and they made their fair share of mistakes as well.
[sighs]
Six months suspended license and 50 hours community service.
And when that is completed, I will expunge the record.
Thank you, Your Honor.
[judge] You just caught a big break, Miss Cooper.
Don't make me regret it.
[gentle music playing]
- Okay. What's next? - [sighs]
[Tori sniffles]
- [sniffs] - Oh.
It's fine.
[Tori cries]
[sniffles]
[on radio] ♪ Marry him or marry me ♪
♪ I'm the one that loves you, baby Can't you see? ♪
♪ I ain't got no future or a family tree ♪
♪ I know what a prince and lover Ought to be ♪
- ♪ Ought to be ♪ - [music stops]
[phone rings]
- [phone beeps] - Hey, Kat. You worked a miracle for Tori.
I cannot thank you enough.
- Yeah, well, don't thank me yet. - Why? What happened?
Uh, no, no, Tori's fine. I'm talking about you.
They're taking out a restraining order.
[scoffs] A restraining order?
I went over there. I said I'd pay.
Uh, their lawyer found that video of you punching Sam.
That has nothing to do with this.
Well, they're threatening to flag you to the DOE
to get your practitioner license revoked.
Oh, my God. What is it with these people?
I'm working on it. Listen to me.
Just don't look at that fucking house. Don't go near it.
You see them, you walk the other way. You hear me?
Do not aggravate the situation.
[breathes heavily] Okay.
- [phone beeps] - [music resumes]
♪ Just go ahead now ♪
♪ And if you like to tell me maybe Just go ahead now ♪
♪ And if you wanna buy me flowers Just go ahead now ♪
Fuck!
[engine revs]
[tires screeching]
- [thuds] - [dog yelps]
[gasps]
[music ends]
[gasps, screams]
[crying] Oh, my God.
Arlo? Arlo?
Oh, my God.
[cries]
- [car door closes] - [gasps]
[Samantha] Mel?
- [gasps] - Mel?
- What are you doing here? - I'm sorry, I know I should have called,
but I heard you'd gotten into some trouble.
[stammers] Is that a dog?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I didn't do it on purpose. He came out of nowhere.
Oh, my God, they're gonna think I murdered him.
Look, it was an accident, right?
You don't understand.
I am at war with these fucking neighbors
all because of their dog, because of this dog.
It's why I was arrested.
They're never gonna believe it was an accident.
I'm so fucked.
Okay, I have to go tell them.
[sniffles]
No.
What do you mean, "No"? He's dead.
[sighs] You're right. They're going to blame you.
Do you have any shovels?
[grunts]
- [screams] - Fuck!
Oh, my God. Cover it up.
- Cover it up. - Oh, my God.
- Cover it. - I'm trying!
[exclaims]
[Samantha] Oh, my God.
[Mel] Are you...
- Go turn off the water! - Okay. Okay. [grunts]
[blows raspberry]
[Samantha exclaims]
- Do you know how to turn off the water? - What?
- Do you know how to turn it off? - No! [exclaims]
- Oh, my God. Let's get it. - I got it. I got it.
[both grunting]
Fuck!
I can't believe I killed a dog.
You didn't.
Pretty sure I did.
Oh, my God, how am I gonna sleep?
Just gonna hear his little yelp.
But you told the Zalkins not to let the dog loose, right?
- I mean, sure, but... - Yeah, so it's on them.
I feel like I've lost my mind.
I don't have the energy to finish a workout,
but if you piss me off, I'll gouge out your eyes with a spoon
and shove them down your throat.
Are you taking anything?
I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not.
Why not?
Hormone treatments are the new skincare. You just take your pick.
You need to spend some time taking care of yourself.
You have not been okay for a while,
and maybe that's the reason why you had an affair with Nick,
and maybe that's why you punched me in the face.
I punched you 'cause you slapped me.
I slapped you because you weren't right in the head.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
The whole thing with Nick, I was just trying to find parts of me that were lost.
And then after the divorce, I felt like even more of me was gone.
And now...
I don't know, it's like...
I'm no good for anybody anymore.
You are the most formidable person I know, Mel.
I'm serious.
I can't tell you the number of times I needed to call you over the last year
just to ask for your advice or just to vent.
I felt lost without you.
I feel lost without me. [chuckles]
My God, I killed Arlo. God.
Like, can we talk about something else? Tell me about Ashe.
Ugh.
Oh, my God. [sighs]
I just can't shake this feeling
that there's something really dangerous about him.
And I'm not talking like cool, sexy, dangerous.
I'm talking like maybe killed someone dangerous.
Jesus, did something happen?
No, you know what, I don't even...
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
[sighs]
- Well, onto the next one. - Yeah, well... [sighs]
I'm a widowed felon with two kids.
Don't bury yourself in that baggage,
otherwise that's all other people will see.
I think as long as I live here, it's all people will see.
That's in your head. People... People have moved on.
Have they?
Pretty sure I was the last holdout.
You were a tough nut to crack.
Lucky for you, I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
Yeah, lucky me.
Come on, every morning I walk in, for five months, say hi!
What the hell do you think that I do?
- [door closes] - [Jessie] You sell little fucking cars!
Hey, there's food if you're hungry.
What's up?
I think something happened at school.
[sighs] Back in a minute.
I'm a thief. I've been in prison, all right?
[Tori sighs]
[TV clicks off]
Well, it was almost a nice night.
Hey.
Yeah?
Is there any chance you might go back to being my sister again?
I never stopped being your sister.
[tender music playing]
Well, will you come back home?
Yeah.
This is a surprisingly good movie.
[chuckles] Yeah.
I'm leaving. I found a place.
What do you mean you found a place?
I signed a lease. I'm moving in.
- Someone gave you a lease? - Yes, Andy, someone did.
I'm moving out.
[stammers] Look, Hunter said something happened at school.
- What-- - Well, I got fired,
but only after I quit.
Looks like you were right all along, Andy.
Isn't that neat?
Can we slow this down, please?
No, we can't slow this down because you're gonna talk me out of it.
I just worry that you're grieving, and it's...
Of course I'm grieving!
He was my dad too.
He loved me for who I was... [sniffles]
...and he never made me feel like a freak.
- Ali... - God, I love you so much, Andy. I do.
But I see the way you look at me every time I show just a shred of emotion,
and it's like you're thinking, "Oh, is this when she goes off the rails?"
And when you worry about me like that, well, then I worry about myself,
and then it becomes some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy...
because how do I get you to believe that I can be okay
when you're the one who's making me doubt it?
[sighs] Exactly.
[grunts]
Ah, fuck. [sniffs]
Hey, hey, come on, let me just give you a ride.
Got an Uber waiting.
Hey, thanks for letting me crash, Hunter.
- I'll see you guys later. - Where are you going?
Into the great wide open. [chuckles]
What?
I love you guys.
[sighs]
[door closes]
Ali, come on.
Ali, you-you have to tell me where you're gonna live.
Why? So you can check on me?
[scoffs] Is that such a bad thing?
[sighs] No, it's not.
I love you, Andy.
I just... I need to be on my own now.
I have to prove to myself that I don't need my big brother to take care of me.
Well, what if I need you?
[sighs]
- Wish me luck. - Good luck.
I'll call you.
[sighs]
[grunts] Hey!
[groans]
[grunts]
Go, go. Drive.
[dramatic music playing]