1
00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:02,320
It's so obvious
he wants to get back with me.

2
00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:04,960
You can tell by the fact
he doesn't say it.

3
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:05,960
I mean, he's just confused.

4
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:07,960
I'm doing
what any normal person would do

5
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,960
by giving him another chance.

6
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,960
I mean, what woman in the world
wouldn't get a job

7
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:13,960
where the person who loves her works

8
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,960
just so she can make sure
he saw her face every day?

9
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:16,960
Answer me that.

10
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,960
Again, if you could just
follow the road

11
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,960
until I or the road signs
tell you differently. Fine.

12
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:24,960
Can we drive past his house

13
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,960
so we can make sure he's home
and alone? No.

14
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,960
I'm paying for these lessons,
so we are doing a drive-by.

15
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,960
For God's sake.

16
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,960
How's my hair look?

17
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:48,800
Oh, it's a magnificent sight.

18
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,960
So many fond memories
of being issued my first uniform.

19
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,960
And as I slipped
the custodian's helmet

20
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,960
over my once luxuriant locks,

21
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,960
I... I felt like a...
a newly crowned king.

22
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,640
I can just see you back then,

23
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,000
proudly displaying your helmet
for all to see. Yeah.

24
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,320
Halcyon days.
Tit-head.

25
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:06,960
Beg pardon?
The helmet.

26
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,960
It's what my dad used to call them.

27
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,160
Well, he sounds like an utter twat.
No offence.

28
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,960
Hmm.

29
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,960
I don't think
I've ever, ever been this happy.

30
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,800
I mean, you must feel the power now, right?

31
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,960
Just a uniform.
How can you say that?

32
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:25,960
Cos it's true.
AFIA SIGHS

33
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,960
It's no different to the
dinner lady's tabard I used to wear.

34
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:32,320
No-one's gonna be scared
of a dinner lady, Geeta.

35
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:33,960
AFIA CHUCKLES

36
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,960
DOOR SHUTS

37
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,640
Put the gun down and step away
from the vehicle, you little bitch!

38
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:43,960
Yeah!

39
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,960
LEGGO: Wow-ee!
STEPH: Oh, my God.

40
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,960
I look like a prick.
No, you actually look quite cool.

41
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,960
I think I'm gonna wear mine to bed.
DEV: Oi, oi.

42
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,640
MUTED LAUGHTER
Hey.

43
00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:58,960
What have you done?
What?

44
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,960
You know.
Oh, yes. OK.

45
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:01,960
Yeah, I took my measurements in
a bit,

46
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,960
but I thought
that's what everyone did.

47
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,960
Plus, I want it
to look a bit more cinched.

48
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,640
There's cinched
and then there's crunched.

49
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:10,960
Oh, I can actually see the outline
of your, you know.

50
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:11,960
Baloney pony.

51
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:12,960
Yeah, see,
what I would've done, Dev,

52
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960
is I would've got my baloney pony,

53
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,960
pulled it up from the base,
obviously, folded it so it's flat,

54
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,960
like a paper aeroplane pre-flight,
tucked it underneath the waistband,

55
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,960
and, voila, that is Bob, your uncle.

56
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,960
Dev, if you actually do
keep wearing those trousers,

57
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,800
you will never be able to have kids.

58
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:28,960
Lucky bastard.

59
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,800
Yeah, you're waddling, Dev,
like a duck.

60
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:31,960
AFIA LAUGHS

61
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:32,960
You know, if you bend over,

62
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,960
all of us are gonna get to see
your little starfish.

63
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960
That's right, yeah?
Everyone pick on the virgin...

64
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960
LAUGHTER FADES

65
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,960
...is what you'd be doing
if there were one of those here. Hm.

66
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960
Wow.
What?

67
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960
Oh, it's just you said
we was picking on you

68
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:47,960
because you's a virgin.

69
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,960
Yeah, you don't exactly give off
virgin-y vibes, Dev. No.

70
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,960
You talk about sex all the time.

71
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,480
What I meant was,
it's kind of a grey area.

72
00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,960
It shouldn't be grey, Dev.
No, no, no. It's the right colour.

73
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,960
Well, whatever colour it is,
it's none of our business, is it?

74
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:00,960
Yep.
LEGGO: Right.

75
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,960
To be honest, yeah,
I just don't know

76
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,960
if I have actually properly done it
or not. Mm.

77
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:06,960
The jury's out...

78
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,960
...in one of the strangest
courtroom battles in legal history.

79
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,960
So, this is how we strip you
of your individuality,

80
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:19,960
how we homogenise,
emulsifying the fat droplets

81
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,480
so the cream doesn't separate
from the milk.

82
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,320
So that nobody stands out
from the...

83
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,000
Christ on a bike.
Sorry, Ma'am.

84
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,480
Er, there was a mistake
with the measurements I made.

85
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,960
Who'd you measure, Kylie Minogue?
GASPING LAUGH

86
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,960
No, Ma'am. I measured me.

87
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:33,960
Right.

88
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:34,960
Now, then,
I'm sure one or two of you -

89
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,960
not you, Hanzel, obviously -

90
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,960
but I'm sure one or two of you
is thinking, "Ooh...

91
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,960
"might wanna take
this bad boy home.

92
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,960
"Try it out a bit." Hmm?
"Settle into it."

93
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,640
And do you know what?
That's not against the rules. Oh!

94
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,960
Maybe your friend's having
a fancy-dress party.

95
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,960
Yes! Helen!
Lend it to your friend Helen.

96
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:55,960
She's about your size.

97
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,960
No, my friend Helen's
actually taller than me.

98
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,960
Helen thinks, "Oh, this is great!"

99
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,960
Starts bossing people around a bit
for a giggle.

100
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,640
Everybody's into it.
My Helen's quite introverted.

101
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:07,960
I think this is a different Helen.

102
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,800
And then this Helen...
Oh!

103
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,960
...notices
that the wine is running low,

104
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,320
so she pops to the offie.

105
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,960
But, oh, no! There's a holdup.

106
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960
And when the guy with the balaclava

107
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:19,960
and the machete sees Helen,
he panics.

108
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,960
Because Helen hasn't been trained,
she doesn't know what to do.

109
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,960
So the guy hacks Helen's arm
clean off.

110
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,960
Helen reels back,
her blood gushing over the Wotsits,

111
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,960
the Quavers,
and the pickled onion Monster Munch.

112
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,960
Before the paramedics
can get there...

113
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:38,960
...Helen has bled out...

114
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,960
...all over the uniform
her mate lent her for a laugh.

115
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960
She's dead.
Oh.

116
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,320
And there's nothing you can do
about it.

117
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,960
So, what do we think about that?

118
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,960
That's made me feel quite peckish.
I could murder some Wotsits.

119
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,960
TEARFULLY:
Oh, Helen. You were so young.

120
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,800
HE SOBS
What have I done?!

121
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,960
Chief Superintendent Bob Weekes,
Head of Training.

122
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,960
Yes. Chief Superintendent
Bob Weekes speaking.

123
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,960
PHONE RINGS

124
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:44,960
Right.

125
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,960
So...

126
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,960
I had the massive weight problem,
yeah? And so did she.

127
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,960
And so when we tried to do it,

128
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,960
it was hard to tell which bit was in
and which bit was out.

129
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,960
Like, I-I-I didn't know
if I was in the right crease.

130
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:01,960
And so it's possible
that I might still be a virgin.

131
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:05,960
And I'd appreciate it if you got all
the way off my back about it, right?

132
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:06,960
It's all cool. Look...

133
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,640
I didn't pop my cherry
until I was 21.

134
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,800
And that was a disaster.
All right, yeah.

135
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:12,960
Yeah?
Yeah, cool.

136
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:13,960
Good man.

137
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,960
Does anyone want a cocky -
er, coffee?

138
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960
No, I'm good.
No. No, thanks.

139
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:20,960
21?

140
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,000
15. With a supply teacher.

141
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,960
Oh, my God.
Were you actually being nice?

142
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,480
Yeah, cos I was doing her a favour.
Proper munter, she was.

143
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:30,960
And he's back.
Yeah.

144
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,000
Cocky?

145
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:41,960
Right!

146
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,960
Yeah, you almost look
like police officers,

147
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,000
which means...

148
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,960
Jesus Christ,
what have you come as?

149
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:50,960
Er, don't know, Sergeant.

150
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,960
The whole point of a uniform
is that we're the same. OK?

151
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,960
We're not individuals any more.
All right. So, what are we?

152
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,960
Not individuals any more.
Well, yeah.

153
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,960
Which means we're what?
A battalion.

154
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,160
No. Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.

155
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,960
When we're all on the same side,
what are we?

156
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,960
Friends.
More than that.

157
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,320
Lovers.
Hmm.

158
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:13,480
We're all going to work together
as a...

159
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,000
...socialist collective.
All right!

160
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,960
Shut it! What is there no "I" in?

161
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,960
Cabbage!
What?

162
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:20,960
Mouse.
Table lamp. Mercedes.

163
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,480
Sperm?
Jesus! What are Arsenal?!

164
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,320
The Gunners.
Are we Gunners now?

165
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,960
They're a team. They're a team.

166
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,960
There's no "I" in team.
ALL: Oh!

167
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,960
There's no "I" in team!
HE LAUGHS

168
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:37,480
Argh! What did I do
to deserve this fucking team, eh?

169
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:38,960
One tiny little indiscretion
on the streets.

170
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960
No-one died.

171
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,960
OK, so, technically someone did.

172
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,960
HE WHINGES
Shit happens, yeah? Get a life!

173
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:49,960
Wankers!

174
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,800
Who's that?
Well, that's Mike.

175
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,960
Yes, thank you, Paul.
Who's he talking to?

176
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,960
Oh, that's Steph.
She's Steph A and you're Steph B.

177
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:03,960
Wow, another Steph?
Mm.

178
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,960
Wait, hang on. Why is she Steph A?
I should be Steph A.

179
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,960
You know, she's...
she's a little bit more...

180
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:09,960
A little bit more what?
More hotter.

181
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,960
And a bit more brighter.
And a bit floatier.

182
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:13,960
No. No, no, no. I'm not having that.

183
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,960
Actually, who...
Sorry, who decided that?

184
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,960
Nature.
I should be Steph A.

185
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:18,960
Just... can you just change us?

186
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,640
She's already Steph A on Insta.
Look. Bullshit.

187
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,960
No, I'm Steph A and she's Steph B.
Just switch it.

188
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,960
I don't think you can self-identify
another person on their behalf.

189
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,960
And logistically,
it would require emails,

190
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,960
face-to-faces, forms being signed.

191
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:31,960
I want to be Steph A,

192
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,960
and I will literally,
physically be sick

193
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,960
if I have to be Steph B.

194
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,800
That was very Steph B of you.

195
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,960
WEEKES SNIFFS,
COUGHS

196
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,800
So, leg, shoulders,
and then body weight, yeah?

197
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:17,960
Now, this hold only hurts
the assailant if they move, yeah?

198
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,960
Why don't you try moving, Dev?
I don't want to.

199
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,960
Well, just... just wiggle a bit.
I don't wanna get hurt.

200
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,960
Plus, this uniform's way too tight
to wiggle in.

201
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,960
I'll do it. I'll wiggle.
Yeah, course you will.

202
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,960
Er, nah. Nah, nah, nah,
I think everyone gets the idea.

203
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,000
Yeah,
I think everyone gets the idea.

204
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,960
I don't get the idea.
Right.

205
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,960
PAUL: I'm not 100%.
AFIA: Same.

206
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,960
I'm actually...
I'm OK with the wiggling.

207
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,960
Some Stephs might not be, but I am.
MIKE SIGHS

208
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,960
OK, so, get down.

209
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,800
This is how I ended up
with four kids.

210
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,480
Now, once you have the assailant
on the ground,

211
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,960
you position your leg
between their leg, yeah?

212
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,960
And then you engage
the shoulder lock,

213
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,640
and you use your body weight
to pin them to the floor. Yeah?

214
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,000
Do you want me to... wiggle?

215
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,960
Er... yeah.

216
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:03,960
Oh.
All right, so...

217
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,960
as you can see,
I'm able to keep her still

218
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,000
and keep us both safe
from any injuries, yeah?

219
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,800
Well, she's not exactly
fighting back, is she?

220
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,000
Yeah, well, if she does try
and thrash about,

221
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,960
it'll hurt her more
than it hurts me, yeah?

222
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:15,960
She is unable to... Oh!

223
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,960
APPLAUSE

224
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,960
You taught me that
on our first date.

225
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,960
CHEERING
PAUL: Bravo.

226
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:26,960
So... obviously,
don't clap the criminal, please.

227
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,960
Psst!
Oh.

228
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:36,960
You're never gonna guess what.

229
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,960
I found Superintendent Spry's diary.
Look.

230
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,960
"Monday, dump Tiny Tits Leslie.

231
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,960
"Tuesday, file report
on moronic recruit."

232
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,960
I mean, it's probably Dev,
bless him.

233
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,800
Is this relevant, Paul?
Wait.

234
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:55,960
"Six thirty, Wednesday, Wendy wax."
Well, who's she?

235
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,960
A wendy's not a who, it's a what.
Well, what is it?

236
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,960
Put it this way -
I've got one, you haven't.

237
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:02,960
Oh!

238
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,960
So, is it an air fryer?

239
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,960
Ow!
Where's the flash drive, Paul?

240
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:07,960
I couldn't find it.

241
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,960
You failed?
No, no.

242
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,960
I mean, just call it a practice run.

243
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,960
Look, Daz walked in,

244
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:14,960
I had to put the diary
down my pants,

245
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:15,960
and he thought I was wanking.

246
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,960
Go do it for real.

247
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,000
What, the wanking?
No!

248
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,960
Put the diary back
before she sees it's missing.

249
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,960
And go find the bloody flash drive.
OK.

250
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,320
Just go.

251
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,480
What are you doing?

252
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:56,640
Nothing.

253
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:57,960
Well, you're doing something.

254
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,960
W-Well, I'm in love with you,
so I was leaving you a card.

255
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,960
Where's...
So, where... where's the card?

256
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,960
In my mind.
I beg your pardon?

257
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,960
D-Dear Bob, when I...

258
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,960
when I say that I love you,
I mean it from the heart.

259
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,800
A-And, you know, I want you, Bob.
I want... I want every inch of you.

260
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,960
I want every, you know,
nook and cranny and... Yeah.

261
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,960
Let me just stop you there.

262
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,320
Erm, I'm... I'm...
I'm touched that you feel like this.

263
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:23,480
And in many ways,

264
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,960
I'm surprised something similar
hasn't happened before.

265
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,960
However, I'm not a fool,
er, you know.

266
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,320
And all the business
with the card in the head,

267
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:32,960
it... it smelt a bit fishy.

268
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:36,960
So, I'd like to know
what's really going on.

269
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:37,960
HE CLICKS TONGUE

270
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,960
TikTok office dance trend.

271
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,480
Er, yeah, so...

272
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:45,960
Yes?
Yeah, so, if you just wanna...

273
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,960
Oh. There's a...

274
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,960
Oh!

275
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:55,960
Oh!

276
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,960
Hey, Aunty Nooch, I got it!
I got the flash drive.

277
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,480
Well done, Paulie.

278
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,480
You thought I was gonna
mess up again, didn't you?

279
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,960
But look at me now.
Where's the brown sauce?

280
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,960
What was that?
Erm, chips.

281
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,480
What do you mean, chips?
What do I mean?

282
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,960
Couple of his chips were underdone.
Popped 'em back in the fryer.

283
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,800
Yeah, they were actually...
They were pretty raw, actually.

284
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,960
You're pretty raw, Huggins.
Shall I pop you in the fryer?

285
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,960
GASPING LAUGH
No, pl-please not, Ma'am.

286
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,960
Bring me some brown sauce, will you?

287
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,320
And I don't mean a little handful
of them plastic condoms.

288
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:26,960
I want a jeroboam.

289
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,960
I shall be sat over there by myself,

290
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,000
either due to a healthy respect
for hierarchy

291
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,960
or simply because
people don't like me.

292
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:33,960
Don't really care which.

293
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,960
Wow. That was close.

294
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:38,960
Ow!

295
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,960
PAUL SCREAMS

296
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:41,960
Only joking.

297
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,320
PAUL GASPS
Fuck.

298
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,960
Julie, just, er... just have a...
just have a word.

299
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:47,960
Ju-Julie, if you, er...
What?

300
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,960
Just want some...
Have you been pruning?

301
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,960
I don't think I want to share my
personal grooming habits with you,

302
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,000
thank you very much.

303
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,800
No, no. Not... Not... No.
HE STAMMERS

304
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,960
No, I mean, hunting down the prune.
Oh, right.

305
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,960
Our elusive infiltrator.

306
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,960
Well, I'm not gonna share that
information with you either, am I?

307
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,960
Given that a honking great promotion
might depend on it.

308
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,800
Anyway, I'm sure you are hot
on the trail, aren't you?

309
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:10,960
Well, yes, yes, yes.

310
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,960
I am like a Native American tracker
keeping my nose peeled.

311
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,320
And I've just got to do
personal hygiene first with group B.

312
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,960
Safety.
Beg pard?

313
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,960
Personal safety.
Yeah. What... What did I say?

314
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:22,960
Hygiene.
Oh, well, yeah.

315
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:27,480
It's-It's all connected, isn't it?
Better safe than smelly.

316
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,960
Right, then.

317
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:34,640
Personal safety role play.

318
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,960
It's late at night, and there's...
Ooh!

319
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,480
...aggro out on the streets.
Oh.

320
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,960
Ha. So, how do we keep safe?

321
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,640
Stay at home?
No.

322
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:49,960
Well, yes, yes, but no, no.
Comm-uni-cate.

323
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,960
You know, establish a connection
in order to stay safe.

324
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,160
Now, Mr Legland,
I want you to pretend

325
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,960
to be a troublesome teenager.

326
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,960
Shouldn't be hard.

327
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,960
Notice I've chosen
a young, white male,

328
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,640
because it would be wrong to assume
that a troublemaker would be...

329
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,960
HE STAMMERS
We'd... We'd be racial profiling.

330
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,960
But I wanna do the acting.
Well, you can't.

331
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,960
Now, the rest of you, come on,
let's defuse the situation.

332
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,320
Erm, name?
Jackson.

333
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,960
Jackson. Up you get, Jackson.
Yep.

334
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:23,960
Now, establishing a first name
is a good way of building a rapport.

335
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:24,960
And action.

336
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,960
Erm, hello. What's your name?

337
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,960
AS TEENAGER: Maurice.
OK. Hello, Maurice.

338
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:32,960
What you up to, mate?

339
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,960
Not gonna tell the filth that, am I?
HE SPITS

340
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,960
No, I'm not gonna put up
with that kind of behaviour.

341
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,960
So, you can just pack your bag
and... No, no, no.

342
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,000
Oh, it's you. It's him.

343
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,960
HE STAMMERS
There you are.

344
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,960
Come, back you come. Let's, er...

345
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,960
You can... You can just pack it in
and carry on.

346
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,960
So, Chabra, erm, assist Jackson.

347
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,960
And action.

348
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,960
Does your mum know where you are,
Maurice?

349
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,960
My mum is dead.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, man.

350
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960
It's all right. I got a step-mum.

351
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,960
Would she approve
of you insulting police officers?

352
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,000
Yeah, probably.
She's doing a 25 stretch for murder.

353
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,960
Oh, what's her name?
Fanny.

354
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,960
Fanny. Yeah, no, I think I know her.
STEPH: She's not real, Paul.

355
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:12,960
What?
Leggo made her up.

356
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,960
And because he's such a child,
he used a rude name.

357
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,000
Child, am I? At least I'm not basic.

358
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,960
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.

359
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:19,960
No, no, no, no. Go on.

360
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960
That's right,
engage the troublemaker.

361
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:26,960
Basic. And I wouldn't expect
my ex-boyfriend to fall at my feet

362
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,960
just cos I'm flouncing around
his place of work every day.

363
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:30,960
Well, no-one's gonna fall
at your feet.

364
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,960
Yeah, well, difference is,
I don't expect them to.

365
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,160
His accent's slipping.
I should've done the acting.

366
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,960
Have you got a problem with me?
You're the one with the problem.

367
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,960
I'm just trying to help.
How are you helping?

368
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,480
I'm worried basic
will turn to desperate.

369
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:42,960
I'm not desperate.

370
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,800
Well, it kind of sounded
a little bit desperate.

371
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,160
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Careful with that wand, Hermione.

372
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,960
CLAMOURING

373
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,320
Brutality! Brutality!
Sit down! Sit, you!

374
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,960
Brutality!
Come on, sit, you!

375
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,960
Brutal.
Sit! Oh.

376
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:57,960
You must never, ever...
ALL GASP

377
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960
...strike the suspect!

378
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,960
Come on, we don't want
a public inquiry, do we?

379
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,320
You, hold that, hold that.

380
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,960
Right. That was
some brilliant acting, you guys.

381
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,960
Youse like thems Meryl Streeps.

382
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,960
SHE SIGHS
Pathetic little twat.

383
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,960
Just cos I might be a virgin?

384
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,960
No, not you. Leggo.
Calling me things I just am not.

385
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,960
Well, to be fair,
Leggo was cool today.

386
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,960
You know, he made me feel OK
about the whole grey-area thing.

387
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,800
Yeah, he did do that.

388
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,960
But, you know, I could also do that
much better than him.

389
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,000
Could you?
Yes.

390
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:03,960
OK.

391
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,640
SHE STAMMERS
All right, mate.

392
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,320
Just... calm down. Don't worry.

393
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,960
Not everyone thinks you're a weirdo
or a sad little loser.

394
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,960
I didn't think they did.
Good.

395
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,960
That's good, then.
How about undo a few buttons?

396
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,960
No, you look fine.
Not mine, yours.

397
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:19,960
Oh, yeah.

398
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,480
Even prime beef looks shit
when it's vacuum-packed.

399
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,960
Oi, Dev, is your blood flow
all right in them kiddies' clothes?

400
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,960
No, he's fine.

401
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,480
I was actually just saying
what an amazing body that Dev's got.

402
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,800
I mean, look at those guns.

403
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,960
And, Dev, oh, my God, yes, I will go
for that drink with you later.

404
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,160
Wow, sweet. What drink was that?

405
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,160
SHE CHUCKLES
Shut up.

406
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,960
We'll go for that quick drink,
and then we'll head back to my place

407
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,320
to see if your blood flow
is reaching all the right places.

408
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:48,960
Is that the plan, is it?

409
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:50,960
Is what it is.

410
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,160
That's the last of them, Sir.
Thank you. Ah.

411
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,960
Flush out that arsehole
before Julie does,

412
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,960
and I reckon the top job
is in the bag.

413
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,960
Any... Any gut feeling?

414
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,000
Do you know what? I feel like Simon
Cowell putting together a boy band.

415
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,960
Mm!
Or a girl band. No bias here.

416
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,960
No.
So, what I've done,

417
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,960
I've put on the left here
all of the recruits

418
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,960
that, er, strike me as innocent,
and on the right,

419
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,000
all those I instinctively feel
might... might be a little bit iffy.

420
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,480
Mm.

421
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:25,960
SHE GRUNTS
Bob!

422
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,000
What is it?
SHE STAMMERS

423
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,000
Well, look, look!
Oh, my...!

424
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,960
Oh, fuck, fuck! Oh, my bum-bum!

425
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,960
HE STAMMERS
How did this happen, Melanie?

426
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,960
I don't know. I don't know.
Was it...? The wind.

427
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,320
The wind. The wind.
The wind blew...

428
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,960
Not the wind. People. People.
Somebody behind my back...

429
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,960
Why do people do this?
MELANIE GROANS

430
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:42,960
Why do they...?
Er, Sir.

431
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,960
Gym requisition order,
could you sign it? No.

432
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,960
What?
No. It isn't.

433
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,960
Isn't what?
Well, th-th-there we are. Well done.

434
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,960
Well, so, could you sign it, then?
What?

435
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,320
Now?
Well, yeah.

436
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,960
Good. Yeah.

437
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,960
Y-Yeah, yes. OK.
That there.

438
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:01,960
And that there.
Just...

439
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:04,960
There you go.
OK.

440
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:05,960
There. Whoa.
Right.

441
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,000
Er, what's all this?

442
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,960
Mm? Th-This?
HE EXHALES

443
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,960
This, this... Oh, this? This! This.

444
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,960
They... They... They're... They...

445
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,960
These on the right,
they're our, erm...

446
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,480
they're the recruits.

447
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:20,640
They're the ones
that I consider to...

448
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:21,960
HE INHALES
...to be...

449
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,960
To be the cleverest.
...the cleverest!

450
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,960
What, Dev Hanzel?
Brilliant mind.

451
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,960
MELANIE SCOFFS
Abs... quite brilliant.

452
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,960
Well, it goes to show it's often
the ones you least suspect. Yeah?

453
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:32,960
Yeah.
See you in a bit.

454
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,960
WEEKES MUTTERS

455
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,960
STEPH LAUGHS

456
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,960
Oh, so, are we gonna do your plan,
then? The sex?

457
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,320
Oh, God, no.
Oh, right, of course.

458
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,960
Sorry, I thought it was obvious
that was all just a ploy.

459
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,960
To get me to have sex?
To get Mike to have sex.

460
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,000
With me?
With me.

461
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,960
Oh, right. Gotcha.
Yeah.

462
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,800
That's a bit of a relief.

463
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:06,960
What?

464
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960
I just felt a bit uneasy about that.

465
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,960
You didn't want to?
Nah, not really.

466
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,960
Why... Why didn't you want to?

467
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960
I just... I just don't wanna
have sex with you. OK.

468
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,960
Can you not keep saying that?
Because people can hear you. Sorry.

469
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:18,960
Why don't you want to?

470
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,960
I-I'm not sure.
It's not your fault. It's me.

471
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,960
Fucking hell!
Now you sound like Mike.

472
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,480
Look, it's just
when you were talking

473
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,960
about the blood flowing
t-to my places,

474
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:28,960
I-I just felt a bit sick.

475
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,960
The thought of having sex with me
made you feel sick?

476
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,960
Don't feel bad.
How fucking dare you?

477
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,320
Look, I'm sorry.
I won't be having sex with you.

478
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,800
You will be having sex with me, and
you will bloody well enjoy it. OK?

479
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:39,960
Oh, OK.

480
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:40,960
Drink up.
Oh, right.

481
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:43,960
Mm.

482
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,960
Not looking, but whatever it is
I'm not looking at

483
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,960
needs to be gone
by tomorrow morning.

484
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,480
You'll never get out of here,
Legland!

485
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:53,960
GASPING LAUGH

486
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,960
HEAVY BREATHING
Whoo!

487
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,960
OK.
Yeah.

488
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:02,960
And that, sir,
is how the sex is done.

489
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,960
It's probably gonna be downhill
for you now after me. Right.

490
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,960
Not sure I had done all that,
to be fair. Yeah.

491
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,960
It was really, really... Yeah.

492
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,640
Really what?

493
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,960
Yeah, no, I just...
It was just a bit thrashy.

494
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,960
Uncoordinated. A bit messy.

495
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,640
Sorry, how are you
giving me critique

496
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,960
when you were a 24-year-old virgin
ten minutes ago?

497
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,320
No, no, I'm not dissing you.
I just thought...

498
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:24,960
You know,
I'm sure you did just fine.

499
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960
I was more than fine.
I'm very, very good at it.

500
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,960
Yes, of course.
I mean, what do I know?

501
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,160
I haven't got anyone else
to compare it to, have I? Exactly.

502
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,960
The thing is,
I just thought it would be...

503
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:36,960
Night, then.

504
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,960
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