Previously on "The Valley"...
Let's go, Mexico!
- Happy birthday. - Let's go!
It's so----ing annoying. Do you like that?
I'm not a "let's go" guy.
You're being super - ing hurtful.
Are you----ing kidding me?
Just, like, get----ed up every night.
Well, you say it like I party all the time.
To be hungover and----ed up
and not come home until 3:00 in the morning?
I'm done here.
Jax said he was gonna take down Danny and Nia.
Exactly.
You're gonna believe Jax over me?
You're gonna believe Jesse over me?
You're gonna believe any of these mother----ers over me?
You know who needs to stop drinking?
Brittany, number one.
And----ing Jasmine, number two. Exactly.
Wait, Janet just said, "Guys, we need to talk.
People are saying sh-- you guys need to know."
It's also the fact that she apologized
and just took it back.
I apologize for speaking flippantly about it.
That's----ing bullsh--, Janet.
If she was so hurt, she would cry or express anything.
Shut the [bleep] up.
Have accountability,
have vulnerability, and maybe people might like you.
I need one second. I can't keep doing this.
It's too--it's too much.
I feel really overwhelmed.
Why are you such a dick?
But it's crying from self-induced things.
Like, she put herself in this position.
You can hear the hard truth and be like,
"I----ed up. I'm sorry."
She made a good blanket apology, and I felt better.
I felt like she meant it up until today.
She's sorry about the words she used.
She's not sorry because she actually did that.
- What about her--uh, duh. - That's the ultimate--
I'm not asking her to apologize for Daniel's actions.
It's bringing up a lot of
unresolved feelings about stuff I can't say.
I'm sorry you're feeling that way.
And, like, I know they're saying these things.
But you just have to know that it's just total BS.
- I just--and I don't want to. - Janet, Janet.
I can't go there.
Oh, my God. Come here.
Yeah. Yeah, it's-- it's too. It's too much.
It's fine.
They're saying if
he needs to stop drinking then, and they're like,
then Brittany does and Zack does and Jasmine does.
I can't. I can't keep having this conversation.
That is not how you communicate with people. When she gets--
We came out of the bus, she ran across the street.
- Can we get off this bus? - Oh, hold on a sec.
That's the problem.
We're in San Diego. She runs away.
- You're walking away. - Janet, Janet.
- Sit for one minute, Janet. - Oh, and this is what she does.
She did this. She did this in Santa Barbara
when I brought up Lacy. - Like, this is too far.
you.
I think it's just--I think it's just your harshness.
The whole situation has...
brought up...
And it's...
I can't keep having the same conversation about ignoring it.
Danny's actions did trigger me, and I lashed out.
And... sure, I'm--
I'm sorry that the trigger caused me to say the words.
I have a hard time apologizing to somebody
that has done something that I know causes so much pain.
I know. I didn't...
I thought about talking to you guys about this a lot.
Can I talk to you guys off-camera for a second?
I don't understand why she's still holding onto that.
It's not even her pain. It's not even her pain.
I understand feeling anxious and needing to walk away.
Why does she keep doubling down?
But what about everybody else?
Everybody has a problem with Danny.
- Everybody. - That's a big statement.
Well, Michelle, that's not constructive
to say everyone has a problem.
That just shuts down the conversation.
- I am sorry. - There's nothing wrong
with Daniel standing up for himself,
but that makes everybody "uncomfortable."
Like, this general word "uncomfortable," too,
is just, like, ridiculous.
I just cannot with Michelle.
I mean, let's remember Jesse, even in Santa Barbara, like,
there are so many people in this group that have made
others feel uncomfortable at some point.
Do you see exactly where you're putting your head?
Jesse was, like, giving Jason a lap dance
and licking his face.
Those things are very inappropriate and...
we're not talking about that.
I don't think anybody's talked about it since it happened.
- Come on, now. Hey. - Hey.
You don't have to be besties.
I thought it'd be nice for you guys to have a conversation.
All right, Schwartzy. Well, great, fantastic...
- Birthday. - ...birthday lunch.
This is really good, actually. I love you guys. It's so nice.
Vámonos?
- Vámonos. - Vámonos.
♪ I'm-a get some, I'm-a, I'm-a get some ♪
Sometimes my pedicurist will be like, "Is this a fungus?"
And they won't touch my feet because it looks...
- Because of the spray tan. - Ew...
Finally here.
- Oh, my God, Lacy! - You got...
We've been waiting for you, girl.
- Marinating in spring. - I was like... I'm also like, hi.
- Hi, hi, hi, hi. - Oh, my God.
Waiting for you. I know.
I came down because I could hear Zack
screaming from my hotel room.
She actually heard me?
I heard him screaming, and I was like, I know.
Did you hear me scream, "It's my birthday"?
Yes, yes, Lala.
So is everyone getting, uh, joy today?
Janet sent Brittany some random texts,
which we don't even know.
- About what? - There's something bad a-brew.
- And you know what's so crazy? - We had a great conversation.
We just had the best, most, like, feeling conversation.
Can they all just, like, get off Danny's neck?
♪ I'm-a get some, I'm-a, I'm-a get some ♪
Go, guys!
- Go, go, go! Oh! - I want him.
Oh, look, he's coming over to me. Go to the ocean.
Go, go, go. This is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life.
- Here we go. - Yes.
Yes! They made it.
- We're in, we're in, we're in. - Whoo!
Do you know how jealous Kristen's gonna be?
I know. By the way, how is Kristen today?
Is she okay? - Yeah, she's better.
You know, this morning, she's a different person.
Apologetic. - Another female's perspective
and who has had a baby and felt like my whole body changed,
I get where she's coming from.
Like, she just doesn't feel good in her own skin right now.
And even though she looks amazing,
and what you need to realize and remember is this is temporary.
It's not always going to be like this.
She is just in the thick of it right now.
- I'm not going anywhere. - Of course.
I don't even think that about you.
All the people I know, they say it goes fast, though.
You know, it's like it'll be 18 before you know it.
Cruz is almost 5, and I'm like, how the hell did this happen?
- And now look at you. - All of our kids.
- You got new boobs. - I know. Look at me.
Guys. Let's have fun.
We're having fun.
Where is the kids' clothing shop?
Okay. Yeah, let's find something for Isabella.
Should we get her a gift from the two of us?
Probably. I was going to get her something
like, kind of, like, just cheesy at the airport, but--
But no, I want like a Mexican outfit or...
She loves that Mexican dress that your mom gave her.
She wears it all the time. - I could use some Cialis.
Oh, my God. How cute!
- Hola. - The evil eye.
She loves that.
I need you to help me to decide.
I don't know why this I keep gravitating to. This is--
I like this one because she likes gold.
Oh, my gosh, the twins. Is this for two years old?
This is the best part about having a daughter.
Trust me, I'm living vicariously through you guys.
That's the worst part,
because I can go in a place like this and spend all of my money.
That's so cute. - Hey, Michelle.
Yeah?
They have all these little ones over here also.
Well, I'm happy we're getting along.
You and I?
- Yeah. - Yeah. It's amazing.
Gracias.
I want this energy to stay like this, please, when Lacy arrives.
Well, yeah, that's on you.
I know it's going to be difficult for you, so...
It's not on me. It's on all of us.
It's a little awkward for me to see you so affectionate
and, like, kissing her right in front of me.
Like, not that I have feelings, but it's--feels very weird.
That it's not easy for you, yes.
But you have to realize I went through that also.
So that's what I'm saying, is, like, you keep--
I'm just saying, can you just remember, like, it's not easy?
We were married for a long time.
You were obviously never like that with me.
So...
It's an interesting thing to see you do it with somebody else.
I mean, respecting Michelle's feelings,
like, I know it's hard for her to see
Lacy and I so in love, so affectionate, but I had
to watch from the end of the table in Hawaii,
you know, Aaron awkwardly grabbing Michelle's hands
and saying, like, "Oh, my little sweet baby" or whatever.
I want to eat, drink, and love you properly.
I'm sorry, Michelle,
but you're going to have to deal with it the way I did.
Muchas gracias.
- Have a good day. - Thank you, yes.
Okay.
Can you just try not to do it, like,
directly in front of my face?
Well, it's hard. It's like, what, am I supposed to pull
her aside if we're laying on the beach together?
You have to kind of suck it up a little bit and be okay.
I suck it up every day.
I mean, I'll try to respect both people's feelings, but...
That's fine.
- Don't, like, don't-- - I don't anything.
I've already seen you guys do-- I've seen a whole new you.
Good. Well, that's all I've been asking for, is...
recognition of a new Jesse.
- Are we going to the beach? - Massages?
Anyone wanna skinny dip?
- What, are you crying again? - What?
- Are you crying again? - No, no, no, I'm good.
I'm good. No, I was just enjoying the ocean.
- Okay. Okay. - It was nice.
¿Cuántos más? "Dolores."
"Dolores"? ¿Cómo se dice "dollars"?
- Da-- - Dólares.
Dólares.
- So nice. - Oh, it is good.
I thought it was gonna be colder than this.
Jesse's capris are too tight for him to get out here.
- Can I pull you in the water? - Dunk him.
- No. - Dunk him. Dunk him.
The last time we tried to wrestle near a body of water,
I ended up almost breaking your nose.
Oh! She got a licking on you!
'Cause I'm going to throw you on my shoulder and then--
- Dunk him! - Get him!
Gracias. Gracias.
Wait, is skinny dipping allowed in Mexico?
- No? - Are you going to?
Enjoy. Oh, wow. You guys are so brave.
- Wow! - Nia, take it!
Oh, wow. We're going, like, titties out.
When our group of friends goes and travels,
especially when there's a beach and an ocean present,
We do what any fun adult would do and take our tops off.
I forgot all about my postpartum body.
Because there's nothing better than shaking
your tatas in fresh ocean water.
Wow. I thought I was being adventurous by getting coconuts.
Okay, don't look.
Did you just tell your ex-husband not to
look at your tits? - Trust me, I'm fine with that.
They're burned into your brain already.
Jesse, don't look.
I'm sure this will be amazing for your real estate career.
I got you. Go. God.
You must think about that every single day.
I do not.
When Michelle's, like, running topless on the beach,
in my mind, it's like slow motion.
With, like, the hair, like, blowing back in the wind.
I just love Michelle. She is my dream woman.
Michelle, you're the most beautiful body I've ever seen.
I'm kind of jealous.
Well, I have más coconuts, but they're all
in the water, so... - Their tits are out.
There's a lot of coconuts in the water as well.
They're living their best life. Yeah, they're...
Schwartz doesn't know what to do with all the boobs out.
He's like, trying not to look.
I'm going to look anywhere but.
- Look at Schwartz. - Trying not to look.
- Is this a nude beach or no? - No, it's sure not.
Michelle, your butt.
You know what? They've got beautiful bodies.
Both sets of boobs deserve to see the light of day.
I mean, why not?
Coming up...
She's willing to defend him so hard,
she's willing to throw you, Jasmine, and Zack under the bus.
That's some----ed up sh--. Come and hang out with Nia.
They're not----ing friends. - Wait, I'm gonna cry.
It's Mexico. And it's my birthday.
If I wore white underwear with this, I could wear this.
But I didn't get spray tanned abs with the...
I'm just kidding.
The slutty whore era.
Which for me was the late '90s, early 2000s.
I was gonna say the early '70s.
Can I hear what happened with Janet yet?
Everybody went on the attack.
Janet jumped out of the car and ran across the street.
- She runs over country lines? - Yeah, she just, like,
I didn't think she was coming back. I thought she was--
Did she play track and field? The girl's got some sprint.
- Hello. - Hi.
So Janet sent a text that was something along the lines
of Kristen is throwing Jasmine, Zack, and Brittany
under the bus with Nia to defend Danny.
This is how far she's, like, taking it.
The only person that mentioned Brittany at all was myself.
You gotta get off the Brittany train, too.
Hi, sweet.
I would say fresh diaper change and--
- Taking her away from me. - I am. She needs a nap.
Why do I look exhausted?
- I'm----ing drinking all day. - As you should be, baby.
- I had the best day. - You did?
- Yes. - Aw, that makes me happy
We had the not best day.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Hi.
- What? - Uh-oh.
Jesse, we, Nia and Kristen and Tom,
we all went to lunch, and so we were all talking,
and it was very heated at one point.
And they put all the blame on her.
All the stuff that they're dealing with is all my fault.
Kristen was like, "Well, if we're going to talk about
people's drinking, we should probably start with
Brittany, Jasmine, and Zack." - About drinking?
Yeah, and Jasmine, she's like, Brittany pops off.
Brittany gets a certain way when she gets drunk.
There's nothing wrong with people getting drunk
and people popping off.
- Kristen said that? - Yeah.
Wait, I'm gonna cry. I never do anything mean.
She's willing to defend him so hard.
She's willing to throw you, Jasmine, and Zack under the bus.
I've been trying to, like, support her always.
I'm not even there.
Why am I being thrown into this conversation?
Why are your closest friends being thrown under the bus
to protect Danny yet again? That's just hurtful to me.
That's some----ed up sh--. She don't even hang out
with Nia. They're not----ing friends.
- They're not. - Get the [bleep] out of here.
- They're not. - When have they ever hung out?
And I tell her that. When are you about to hang out?
I said it to her face, and she was like, "Oh, yes, I do."
And I was like, no, you don't.
I literally just had a conversation with her,
and she was like, "Brittany, you are my number one.
I just want you to, like, support me a little bit
in that as well as you do Nia.
Because my thoughts and my feelings are valid, too.
Yes, absolutely. Like, you're literally my--
- I'm not trying to say-- - It's making me feel insane.
It's making me feel insane.
You're gonna try to cross us and do that?
- That is crazy to me. - She has to be on payroll.
The conversation we had today was great.
I hope he's telling his wife right now,
like, what the [bleep] happened at your little lunch today.
She pretty much said between her and Michelle
that a few of the people in the friend group
don't feel comfortable around you when you drink.
I said, "How about being specific?" Yeah.
I'm laughing. I'm laughing because
everybody was like, "Nobody cares that you drink."
- Who said that? Tell me. - Everybody.
- Tell me. - Brittany, Jasmine,
Melissa, Zack, Benji. - No. No.
Yes, and I apologize for that. I did have a drink.
And nobody freaking cares.
I know that. I just didn't want to make an issue about it.
It wasn't drunk. I had one-- Exactly.
Unfortunately, you created a bigger issue.
- Exactly. Right. - Because nobody would care.
- I promise you. - 100%.
Drink as much as you want.
- It's not about that. - It's not about that.
- No. - What do you mean, no?
Because literally, Michelle was saying,
"Brittany feels uncomfortable."
She said that last night. She said it this morning.
They all said it in the last 24 hours.
Everybody was so adamant on, "Danny,
we don't care if you drink. We want you to drink.
We want you to do all that." - So what's the truth?
The way people are talking behind my back is not
the same way that they are talking to my face.
And it's just backstab-by.
It pisses me off. It's frustrating.
Anyway...
What are we doing about tonight?
Let's keep having fun. Let's keep our energies good.
We have to stay a little longer for the baby tonight.
I'd rather be with my kids
than all these freaking people right now.
Coming up...
- What is that? - Oh, my God. A bird sh-- on me!
Aah!
Do you have SPF 100 on your face?
Is this how you got Kiana?
Is it--you just put this on and she was like, "That one"?
For my birthday, the theme is Ho Era.
So I just want you to dress like a slut
or in the least amount of clothing that you have.
You bring a certain je ne sais quoi to
the group with this outfit.
You're a slutty clown,
and I didn't think that was possible.
Honestly, I don't know why I did the white face paint.
I think deep down, I've always had,
like, a slutty little goth guy
that just never got to come out.
And I feel like this might be my last opportunity
to let him shine.
I think you look like a straight up slut.
Don't make me drop the bottle, bitch. Okay, we gotta go.
- Here, take this shot. - Tell me you've had thoughts.
Will you take this goddamn shot?
If you didn't know me well, would you?
- Would I what? - You know...
Yeah, absolutely.
- In the clown makeup only. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. This bus is humongous.
At a party bus.
Hey. Okay, we gotta, like, decorate this fast.
Tonight's Zack's big, slutty, gay birthday bash.
Zack loves anything pride.
He loves anything gay with dildos,
whips, balloons, confetti.
We got a little stripper pole here.
Very little, but it'll work.
And then we're gonna bar hop and we're gonna end up at the club.
Are these harness straps? Another penis.
Whoo!
Whore night.
Is that a dildo?
- Yeah. Dicks everywhere. - Tom, you're kind of scaring me.
Is this like--is it like Day of the Dead here?
- I don't know. - It's probably getting close.
What in the [bleep] is this?
Is this the bus we're taking? Hey, hey, hey. Let's go.
Hey, Zack. We're going up into the heat.
Whoo!
Oh, my God, I love the balloons. It looks so cute.
I don't think you got
the same memo the rest of us did, Schwartz.
You see all the penises?
Oh, my God. There's multiples.
I could not have asked for a better way
to be transported to my birthday.
- Pass the sash back. - Yes. Pass the sash.
...birthday? No.
- Happy birthday, bitch. - There he is.
Isn't everybody here?
No. We're missing Danny and Nia.
I think they're catching an Uber.
Nia has to stay back to feed the baby.
Move that bus!
- Yes. Happy birthday, boo. - Ooh!
This is the most epic way to go to the club.
Oh, yeah.
♪ Muy mala ♪
Michelle. Michelle. Oh, my God. Both of them.
What is happening here?
It's just so off character and brand for Michelle.
I mean, I was married to her for five years.
I don't even know if I've ever seen her naked.
I know we've been to Capri a half a dozen times together.
She's never even gone talking topless.
And that's in the Italian Riviera.
You're costing this so much money
'cause they have to blur your nip out.
I want to see right next to you.
Okay.
All right, this is probably
a big, like, massively different vibe than everybody else.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Double decker party bus.
Lookit...
I know. The boobs are out today.
Yeah!
It's my birthday!
I left all the dicks upstairs
to come down and play with some other dicks.
- Jesse. - Yeah.
What I was, like, confused about was like, "Oh, my God.
Jax said that you did this and, like, we believe Jax."
And I'm like, what?
I was told that you, back then, were a part of it.
Jax said he was gonna take down Danny and Nia.
You're gonna believe Jesse over me?
You're gonna believe any of these mother----ers over me?
Don't call me a mother----er. I'm sick and tired of this
Danny and Nia sh--. - It's not even about that.
It's about the way that you treated me.
I wasn't trying to group you in with Jax.
Do you not realize what I went through?
You lumped her in with Jax. He's obviously an abomination.
You made her feel bad, so just apologize.
What delulu land is this
that I'm having to defend myself against
these crazy accusations?
I think Jesse loves to stir the pot.
So that's why he believed
whatever Jax was supposedly telling him.
But this is why I love when Lacy is around.
Because she puts Jesse in his place.
Because she realizes how freaking dumb this is.
Honestly, the truth is,
I have held this resentment for you for over a year.
Why?
I was standing behind her at Yamashiro
where you were yelling she was gonna be one of many
and that I should never have introduced her to Isabella.
I honestly don't think
that I would have cared enough to even say that.
You questioned my introducing her to Isabella
and said I should never have done that.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
What I was upset about was that Michelle did not know.
And, like, she was already braiding Isabella's hair.
There's a difference.
Plus, you made the rule
with me that I could not introduce a guy.
But you----ing did it behind my back.
Why are you getting involved? I'm having
A conversation with her. - It's about her.
What are you doing right now?
- I'm having a conversation. - You know what that's gonna do?
You'll trigger her about
the braid and the meeting, which she blames me.
No. And then her and I are gonna backtrack
because you and her are having a thing.
This is ridiculous. We are grown adults.
I am obviously still in Jesse's life.
What you guys said there--
yes, it did hit a nerve and hurt my feelings.
We've moved past it. I think you're lovely.
You defending me and hurting her feelings is not acceptable.
Don't compare her to Jax ever again.
Jesse's not wrong. His delivery is wrong.
I am sorry for how I was last night. You didn't deserve it.
I shouldn't have jumped in the middle of the conversation.
All right. Thank you.
- What is it? - Oh, my God!
A bird sh-- on me!
It's your birthday, though. It's good luck.
I know it's good luck, but it's not great for the club.
- You know what I mean? - I need to wipe it off.
- That's not... - Ew, it really is sh--.
Oh, that worked, actually. Did that absorb it?
Aah!
Oh, my God! A bird sh-- on me.
Did that absorb it?
Aah!
Are you okay? Oh, my God. He's bleeding.
What do I need to hold? What do I need to hold?
What do I need? No, no. What do I need to--
I don't know. Put this on. I don't know.
- Is it big? - Oh, Jesus.
Zack just hit his head on the sign.
- Are you joking? - It's not a joke.
I swear to God.
So what do we do?
- We're going to a hospital. - God damn it.
Oh, my God.
Zack, you okay, baby?
- Jesus Christ. I saw the blood. - You sit down.
I'm surprised I'm not knocked out.
Yeah, this is the sluttiest thing you could have done.
Can we find a doctor that can meet us at the club?
I'm not even in pain.
- I want to see. - You definitely need stitches.
I know, but I want to see it real quick now.
It's not bleeding, so I don't know where it is.
It's right here.
- Okay. - That's not bad.
Thank you, Tom.
- That's not bad. - Are we at the club? Yeah.
- Is the medic meeting us? - No...
Oh, next to the club? Oh, that's super convenient.
I don't want to go to the damn club.
- I know. I'm stressed. - No, turn me around.
Turn me around, Benji.
Turn me around. Turn me around.
If you don't go out on my birthday,
none of you are my true friends.
They would have to life-flight me back to Los Angeles,
trip over, and by the way, no one's going to the club.
You're all gonna be next to me bedside. Not Zack.
He's a----ing gangster.
There's a medic around here.
I'm gonna go and then I'm gonna meet you at the club.
Go have fun.
And if you don't, I will literally castrate all of you.
Okay. I love you, Zack.
Hey, bring that for good luck.
I will. Thank God I didn't wear those shorts.
See? Mwah.
I'm going into a club in Mexico to celebrate
one friend I love who's no longer with us.
God rest his soul.
I'm literally getting out and walking to the hospital.
But, like, I love a gay bar.
I was, like, 18 sneaking into gay bars.
I saw Lady Gaga for $8 at Lucky Sundays.
And then we all went to Denny's before she was Lady Gaga.
I was supposed to be studying.
Wait, where are we going?
- Where are you taking me? - We're going this way.
Let's go.
- Flamingo. - Okay.
- I'm worried about Zack. - Kinda hard. Zack--
Let's take a shot for Zack. He don't want us to take a shot.
Happy birthday!
- We can be. - If we're already in hell,
let's not get a shovel and dig deeper.
- Not anymore. - Zack, look. He answered.
Oh, yay.
Zachary, where are you?
Literally on my way to the hospital.
- She is in--Wait, like... - They're in the hospital.
They're on the way. On the way. Okay.
Okay. Love you. Bye. Emergencia-uh-uh-uh.
Puerto Vallarta.
This is why I get hit by things. I only get injured when I dance.
I mean, granted, I wasn't dancing.
I was just wiping bird sh-- off myself.
Great.
Find out what's going on.
- Hi. You look beautiful. - How you doing?
What? What happened?
We were having a great time.
And Zack got sh-- on by a bird and then stood up,
and a sign hit him on the top of the head.
Oh, my God.
He said don't-- He's gonna come get a stitch.
- He'll be here. - He's coming?
- Yes. - I assure you Zack is okay.
- But I agree.
Sorry, I'm like...
I'm trying to, like, you know...
Oh, no.
I feel like my feelings are so hurt by hearing that.
Kristen is kind of comparing me to Danny in this situation.
But tonight is about having fun. And now I'm ready to party.
All right, guys, listen.
We're gonna go to the club because that's what Zack wants.
We're gonna go to club across the street.
Whoo! All right.
I'm gonna let Luke help me across the street
so I don't slip and--yeah.
We're good. We're good. Watch your step.
This is it. Let's go.
Yeah!
Oh, my God.
I know that all my wife is trying to do is
protect me around these people. At the same time,
it's, uh, Pretty frustrating because she is telling me
we have to change for them.
Don't go and have fun. And believe me when I say
when these hips shake, these hips don't lie.
My wife is saying, "Be very careful.
You're making people feel uncomfortable.
You cannot dance around these people.
They all feel uncomfortable around you.
You make everybody uncomfortable."
Danny saying he's not allowed to dance is so "Footloose"-coded.
'Cause you're not allowed to dance in "Footloose."
They make it illegal.
That's how it feels. How dare he move his hips?
- Like, what are we? - I'm like, are you kidding me?
I'm not grinding on anybody.
Danny is concerned hip thrusting is going
to trigger some people around here.
What's a hip thrust like?
But if I do it...
When Daniel and I, when we first started dating,
we would go to the club all the time,
and my friends would be like, "You got a personal Magic Mike."
- And I'd be like, yes, I do. - Make everybody uncomfortable.
But, you know, I don't want his Magic Mike moves
make other people uncomfortable.
Like, let's just avoid that.
Michelle said Brittany, Jas--
I know, but it affects my wife.
This is insane!
I'm so sick of this crap.
This is insane!
I'm so sick of this crap, dude. This sucks.
Like, how would you feel if Katie had a boyfriend
and she was right in front of you and, like, making out?
I Would love that. But my-- mine's way different than yours.
You would love that in front of you?
- Yeah. - Really?
When I fall out of love, it's on.
I never had physical touch. I miss it so much.
♪ I got a lot of commas ♪
♪ Baby girl, I don't want no drama ♪
♪ Looking like a Madonna ♪
♪ Too hot, like I came out the sauna ♪
Yeah!
Get it, bitch!
Michelle getting on top of the bar,
shaking her tail feather, dropping it like it's hot--
that's fine.
But me shaking my hip, maybe doing a body roll
to my wife, that's what makes everybody uncomfortable.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah. The whole time over here, you said, "Don't do it.
You make people uncomfortable."
I didn't say don't dance. I said no hip movements.
- Because everybody-- - All I know is hip movements.
Stop making a big deal out of it.
- Have fun. - You did.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have a great time tonight.
I don't care. I don't care what he's doing.
I'm like, drink all you want. Just don't be weird.
'Cause you're not even talking about it.
- I don't care. - Let's do this.
Is this the spot right here?
Oh, no.
I think Danny, you know, he wanted to shake
those damn hips because he has the best moves up there.
Nia, look at your man. Look at your man.
Get uncomfortable.
Where's the money? Where's the money?
His hips are so low to the ground that, like...
You know what I mean?
Like, how's anybody, like, Michelle's, like,
up here and, like, how's she gonna be uncomfortable?
The guys look pretty good up there. Okay?
I'm inspired by their bravado, their willingness
to bear it all. But do they have rhythm? Eh.
Do they have a future as go-go dancers
at the Abbey West Hollywood? Eh.
They're gonna need little coin buckets.
Uh, 'cause I don't think they're gonna be getting
any bills stuffed in their banana hammocks.
You're a good friend.
I'm actually kind of happy that this head injury happened,
because now there is scientific proof that this is not a wig.
- You got a facelift. - I know.
Do I look skinnier?
Oh, my God. Look at Zack, please, right now.
He looks like me with a wrap
around my head from two summers ago
whenever I got chin lipo, I'm like, I wore that better.
Oh, my God.
Happy birthday, bitch.
- My face hurts. - I can't. He is so LA right now.
He looks like he just had a facelift.
He looks gorgeous. The work was phenomenally done.
Well, my face doesn't, 'cause it's so numb.
Honestly, I really don't have any shame at this point.
I don't care if I have this around my head.
I need to see the strippers.
- Guys, let's go dance. - Yeah.
Go, go, go, go.
♪ Give me that boom boom right through my body ♪
One time I went out to the Abbey
with Tom Schwartz, and he gave a $50 Applebee's gift card
to the stripper.
There's a place. You can put it right--
Oh, no. He didn't swipe. He just placed.
Wait, bitches. You get up, too. You need to enjoy it.
Get up, get up!
I love it.
♪ Put your, put your hands up
No body shots for me.
♪ Losing your composure ♪
- Yeah. - I wish I got a facelift.
I heard bad news about Kristen earlier.
Me and Zack had a big fight the other night.
There's just a lot piling on top of each other right now.
So all the feelings are coming out tonight.
Okay, let's go.
I'm just getting warmed up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's getting----ing weird.
Hey, whose purse, whose purse, whose purse?
Guys, let's go!
Okay.
But is the AC right here?
What?!
Who's yelling at me?
He's going to get nauseous. This is not good.
There's a whole row up front. There's three seats up front.
Yeah.
Get your ass up, Danny.
But again, Danny is the fifth child in this family.
Nia should start saying "five under five" right now
at this point.
I'm gonna sit here.
Please just let us get out of here.
Let me just tell you.
I am sober as [bleep], and I rallied the [bleep].
I'm on this van - ing sh-- up still.
I'm just as----ing fun as everyone else.
And all I'm thinking is one bump. Poof!
Janet's pee all over Nia.
That could either bond them, or we're never coming back.
- Whoo! - Actually, if you didn't pee
in a cup, you're kind of a loser.
Oh, sh--.
Oh! She did it!
Okay, watch out for those bumps.
Oh, oh, oh.
Janet.
What do you want me to do?
No!
Ew.
This might be one of my favorite birthdays.
Thank you!
My birthday now.
I love you! Happy birthday. My birthday's at midnight.
It's 1:00.
Oh, it's my birthday?
Happy birthday!
Everybody go around and say everything you love about me.
My birthday.
Let's go!
The anger I have especially towards men,
I can't apologize to that man.
And he never gave it to me.
He literally said to me,
"I don't see a wedding happening."
That's----ed up.
- What the [bleep] is that thing? - Terrifying.
Hold me, Jack! I'm flying.
Nia and Danny.
- What is this? - I want you to talk to me
because you aren't going to let me finish--
Get the [bleep] out of here.
Go to your husband.
- They're terrible people. - I know they're terrible people.
So who's terrible people?
You misogynistic, small, little----ing
Peter Pocket looking [bleep].
I don't mean to laugh.