1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,967
- Gigglers, are you ready?
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:11,219 --> 00:00:14,014
Please welcome Hannah Berner!
5
00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:32,699
What the fuck is up, Philadelphia?!
6
00:00:36,244 --> 00:00:38,955
You little hoagie hoes, sit down!
7
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:43,168
Oh, okay, church.
8
00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:46,629
I do have to address, there was absolutely
no need to do the worm there.
9
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,089
I don't know…
10
00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,091
I don't know why I did it,
but it happened.
11
00:00:50,592 --> 00:00:53,636
Thank you.
12
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,597
You guys, I just turned 30.
13
00:00:58,808 --> 00:01:00,351
Twenty-nine months ago.
14
00:01:01,644 --> 00:01:02,937
And I feel good.
15
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,816
But society tries to scare the shit out
of you when you turn 30.
16
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:10,945
They're like, if you're not fucking
your face with a jade roller.
17
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:13,823
If you're not snorting lines of collagen.
18
00:01:14,532 --> 00:01:17,577
If you're not doing Pilates,
which is BDSM.
19
00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:22,123
If you're not putting snail mucin,
snail ejaculate all over your face.
20
00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:26,503
By the time you turn 30, they make
you feel like you're just gonna become…
21
00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:27,962
Joe Biden.
22
00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:30,507
I'm just kidding.
23
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:33,343
Women can't be president.
That would be insane.
24
00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:38,598
And commercials are so cruel.
25
00:01:38,681 --> 00:01:41,392
Commercials are like,
"Do you have a fine line?"
26
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:43,478
"Eww."
27
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,147
"Do you have a gray hair?"
28
00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:47,732
"Disgusting."
29
00:01:48,399 --> 00:01:51,611
"Men are never
gonna notice you ever again."
30
00:01:51,694 --> 00:01:54,823
And I'm like, "That sounds… so peaceful."
31
00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:59,661
Just to be able to walk home at night
without a worry in the world?
32
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:06,751
I can't wait till I'm the age
that I'm just unkidnappable.
33
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:08,294
How fucking freeing.
34
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,841
But you know what's crazy. I'm 32.
35
00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:14,134
Thank you.
36
00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:17,887
And I've never been kidnapped once.
37
00:02:18,888 --> 00:02:20,849
And that's when you have to ask yourself,
38
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:22,809
"Am I fucking ugly?"
39
00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,813
I'm not ugly, but I do have issues.
I do have issues.
40
00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:29,440
I have depression.
41
00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:32,443
I have anxiety.
42
00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:38,283
I have chronic fatigue.
Any chronic fatigue girlies?
43
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:41,953
You do not have chronic fatigue.
She's like, "Yeah!"
44
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:46,291
No, I went to the doctor,
and I was like, "I don't feel good."
45
00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:49,335
"I don't feel motivated.
What's wrong with me?"
46
00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:52,797
And he goes,
"You haven't drank water since 1994."
47
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:56,718
And he's so fucking right.
I hate water. I think it's disgusting.
48
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:59,429
He said I have to get
an emotional support water bottle.
49
00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:02,056
Girls nowadays,
they don't want a boyfriend.
50
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,558
They just want a Stanley.
51
00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:08,897
But I think it's a conspiracy
that I have to drink so much water.
52
00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:12,275
You know, like,
male conspiracy theories is 9/11,
53
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,194
the election,
54
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:15,737
the clit.
55
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:20,909
It's girl conspiracy theories that we need
to drink gallons of water.
56
00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:22,619
What's a gallon? That's made up.
57
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,706
Also, we look like pilgrims with pails.
58
00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:29,792
Walking around, it's like,
"You work from home, Stephanie."
59
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:32,420
"You're not walking the Oregon Trail."
60
00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:36,049
Does anyone drink black coffee?
61
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,010
Yeah, you like to get choked.
62
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:43,181
Anyone drink Mountain Dew?
63
00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:45,975
I can see her glowing in the dark.
64
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:49,103
That is liquid Chernobyl.
What are you doing?
65
00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:51,814
Does anyone drink Diet Coke?
66
00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:55,401
You guys are all not okay.
67
00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:57,445
And no one's talking about it.
68
00:03:57,528 --> 00:04:00,031
Girls are running
around like…
69
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,827
My friend has six Diet Cokes a day.
70
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,413
And I'm like, "Look, I'm not a doctor."
71
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,667
"But I don't think that's good for you."
72
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,253
And she's like, "What? There's no sugar."
73
00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:15,880
"There's no calories."
74
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:19,509
And I'm like,
"Then what the fuck is in it?"
75
00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:24,138
'Cause heroin doesn't have sugar
or calories, and that's not great for you.
76
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:25,598
I'm not saying Diet Coke is heroin,
77
00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:28,226
but I've never seen them
in the same room together.
78
00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:34,107
I wish the most essential liquid
was an espresso martini.
79
00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:36,401
Whoo-hoo!
80
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:39,195
'Cause it's a triple threat, right?
It gets you drunk.
81
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,738
It gets you hyper,
82
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,241
and you will have diarrhea
at the end of the night.
83
00:04:43,741 --> 00:04:45,493
You are light as a feather
on the dance floor.
84
00:04:45,576 --> 00:04:47,912
You're like, "Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh!"
85
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,247
$60 here.
86
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:52,458
- You had a $60 espresso martini?
- Thirty each.
87
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,544
- Thirty each.
- So we spent $60.
88
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:56,671
Plus, the wage gap. I'm fucking fuming.
89
00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,550
The girl in front was like,
"Look at my receipt."
90
00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:03,177
She's like, "Can I write this off?"
91
00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:06,639
- What's your name?
- Isis.
92
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:10,893
Isis? Is it spelled the way
we are afraid it's spelled?
93
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:14,522
But this was… Was this pre?
94
00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:15,898
She was before?
95
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,442
So they copied her.
96
00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:22,447
That's like Hannah Montana and me.
I was first. Yeah.
97
00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:26,200
Wait. Isis copied your brand.
That's embarrassing for them.
98
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:28,328
Get your own fucking brand.
99
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,248
Do you… Do you have a nickname?
100
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,708
No? That's horrible.
101
00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:37,253
So someone will just be like,
102
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,505
"Isis is coming,"
and they're like, "What?"
103
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:43,134
Her middle name is Persephone.
104
00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:45,762
- Her middle name is Persephone?
- Persephone.
105
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:48,014
Like Stephanie
with a purr in the beginning?
106
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,017
- Purr-Stephanie.
- Persephone.
107
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,269
What white trash shit
is going on right now?
108
00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:58,191
That was good. That was good.
109
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:01,361
That was really good.
You'll see it on Netflix. That was funny.
110
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,200
Oh, guys.
111
00:06:07,283 --> 00:06:09,410
There's no easy way to segue this.
112
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,457
But I've been really
into politics lately.
113
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,292
Now, look, regard… Thank you, one person.
114
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,378
Regardless what you believe in,
115
00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:21,381
we all can agree it's been a little messy.
116
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,467
The last 200 years.
117
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,887
And I think we need a fresh perspective.
118
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,765
And I think I can bring that perspective.
119
00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:37,355
I like the group over here that's like,
"Let's wait to see what she says."
120
00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:40,358
Actually, you're right.
121
00:06:40,441 --> 00:06:44,320
I don't know anything about politics,
but I know how to do research.
122
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,405
I went on TikTok.
123
00:06:47,156 --> 00:06:51,119
And I figured it out,
but I went to the hot topics, okay?
124
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:52,412
I went to abortion.
125
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,958
Do you know some people believe
that you should never have an abortion
126
00:06:57,041 --> 00:07:00,461
under any circumstances,
even if you're bloated.
127
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,299
And the next one
I obviously went to was guns.
128
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:09,554
Do you know some people believe
that guns don't kill people,
129
00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:10,721
people kill people?
130
00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:12,974
I have one edit.
131
00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:17,228
Guns don't kill people. Men kill people.
132
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:23,317
And I'm not coming for the men.
I would never come for you.
133
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:25,653
It's just a fact.
134
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,031
90% of mass shootings, your boys.
135
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,285
And the 2% who were women
136
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:35,288
had a very legitimate reason
for what we did.
137
00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:46,549
The men are shaking. They're scared now.
They're like, "Get me the fuck out."
138
00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:49,469
Did you ever see the woman
who chopped her husband's dick off?
139
00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:54,640
What did we all think?
We all went, "What did he do?"
140
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:58,728
So this is the thing, people want guns.
141
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:01,856
Fine. I just think we need
a little more gun safety,
142
00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:03,608
and then if I do the girl math,
143
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:07,528
legally, the only people allowed
to have guns should be the girls.
144
00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:11,574
We ride at dawn!
145
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:15,495
He's so scared. His hand is like…
146
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:21,959
'Cause this is the thing,
when men snap, they shoot stuff.
147
00:08:23,085 --> 00:08:26,756
When a woman truly, truly, truly snaps,
148
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,424
she gets bangs.
149
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,384
and that's an assault on ourself.
150
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:32,512
No one else is hurt.
It grows out in six months.
151
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:33,596
You're good, babe.
152
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,353
Also, like if I had a gun,
153
00:08:42,146 --> 00:08:43,606
I would lose it in my room.
154
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:49,445
Every five minutes, I'd be like,
"Where the… Where the fuck did I…?"
155
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,156
"I was holding it all day.
Where did I put my…"
156
00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:55,910
"Can someone call my gun?
Where the fuck did I put my gun?"
157
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,997
You get your gun. You're with your girls.
You're going out, and you're like,
158
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:02,875
"What purse are you wearing
with your gun?"
159
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,087
Then you go outside.
160
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:10,591
You're holding your purse and your gun
and Starbucks and keys and tampons.
161
00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:14,262
You're like, "You're not shooting anyone.
You can barely hold anything."
162
00:09:14,345 --> 00:09:16,847
Your nails are like…
clap if you have long nails.
163
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:20,142
Yeah, you can barely clap.
You're not shooting up a mall.
164
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:25,523
And then you get in the Uber to go
to the bar, and the girls come out.
165
00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:27,733
And you're like, "Guns! We got our guns."
166
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:33,030
And then you're like, "Oh, shoot!
I forgot my gun in the Uber."
167
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:36,158
You're like, "Hold on."
You're like, "It's me again."
168
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:41,080
"I left my light baby blue
Hailey Bieber Rhode Peptide revolver."
169
00:09:42,039 --> 00:09:43,249
Collab.
170
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:46,252
Revolver is actually
the only gun that I know.
171
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,422
And a musket.
172
00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:52,675
Imagine a bunch of hot girls with muskets.
173
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:54,719
Like, "Hold on, my musket."
174
00:09:57,930 --> 00:09:59,640
The musket keeps queefing.
175
00:10:01,809 --> 00:10:04,228
No, you guys,
I thought this shit was so funny.
176
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:07,273
Thought it was so funny,
so I posted it online.
177
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,943
And some people were not happy with me.
No, no, no.
178
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:14,530
One guy was like,
"It's not the shooter's fault."
179
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,532
"It's the girl's fault."
180
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,827
"They're not giving enough blowjobs."
181
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:24,165
But I'm listening. I'm learning.
I said, "I hear you. I see you. New law!"
182
00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:27,168
"If you can't get a blowjob,
you can't get a gun."
183
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:36,719
If you really want a gun,
you have to go to the blowjob shop.
184
00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:39,722
You have to bring a girl to vouch for you.
185
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:41,974
And I'm in charge, okay?
186
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:46,145
But then one guy was, like, mad mad.
187
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,564
He was like,
"It's not the shooter's fault."
188
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,066
"It's the mom's fault."
189
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:53,361
"She didn't raise him right."
190
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,488
And I was like, "You are so right."
191
00:10:55,571 --> 00:10:57,948
"She didn't raise the shooter right."
192
00:10:58,699 --> 00:11:00,284
"She should have had an abortion."
193
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,787
Thank you.
194
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:07,500
What a polite abortion clap.
195
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,887
I'm gonna say something controversial
'cause you guys are fun.
196
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:22,390
Yeah!
197
00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:27,645
Sex is not consistently
as good as society makes it seem.
198
00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:29,647
Yeah!
199
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:31,857
But I'm not talking about the lesbians.
200
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:36,404
'Cause the lesbians, they're coming.
Okay, they're coming. They're coming.
201
00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:38,030
Are there any lesbians in the crowd?
202
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:42,451
They all just came.
203
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,203
I had to ask my friend who's a lesbian,
204
00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:47,957
I said, "How do you know
when the sex is done?"
205
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:51,085
You don't!
206
00:11:52,336 --> 00:11:53,796
'Cause with a dude,
207
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:58,008
you fucking know, okay?
208
00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,635
'Cause he'll be like, "Ooh!"
209
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:14,275
I'm like, "What dribbled out of your dick
that you can't speak for four weeks?"
210
00:12:14,358 --> 00:12:15,443
"What happened?"
211
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,362
To my, uh, loud lesbian correspondent.
212
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,992
How do you actually know when it's done?
Carpal tunnel?
213
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,453
Battery dies?
I love that she's standing up.
214
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:27,121
She's like, "This is my moment."
215
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,665
How do you know when it's done?
216
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,626
- You get very, very tired.
- You get very tired.
217
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:37,339
All the straight girls are like,
"What is going on?"
218
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,427
She's like, "You've orgasmed so much
that your body is empty."
219
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:44,764
"And then you just go up to heaven.
That's how you know when it's done."
220
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:50,436
"Then you communicate with her afterwards
about your feelings. It's crazy."
221
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:55,649
I'll tell you, sexuality is not a choice.
That's how you know.
222
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:01,864
We need realistic sex in movies.
223
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:05,409
That's where we get confused.
It's so unrealistic, these scenes.
224
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,912
It's always the same scene too.
It's two people.
225
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:09,538
They bust down the door, right?
226
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,666
They just start going at it.
They're making out. They're breaking shit.
227
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:16,170
The guy will, like, kick over a lamp.
And I'm like, "Don't touch my home decor."
228
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:21,759
And then the guy
always picks the girl up, right?
229
00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:23,761
Why does he pick her up like that?
230
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:26,639
And he, like, puts her
on the counter.
231
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,600
It's like, "First of all,
this is a studio apartment."
232
00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,143
"My bed is right here."
233
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:35,397
"Also, don't put me on my counter."
234
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,817
"My counter's disgusting."
235
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:41,570
"Forks, soy sauce, ketchup,
Con Ed bills, Invisalign."
236
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,948
"I don't want my own teeth marks
on my back."
237
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:48,702
Also, then you know,
when the P goes in the V in the movies.
238
00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:51,080
There should be a nuance, right?
239
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:53,999
Like, there's an angle.
It's hard to just, like, go in, right?
240
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:56,335
In movies,
the guy will just unzip his jeans,
241
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:58,504
look over here and go…
242
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,298
And she's like…
243
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:05,845
And I'm like, "The guy who wrote
this movie has never had sex before. "
244
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:09,974
I want realistic sex in movies, you guys.
245
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:18,399
For example, I queef all the time.
246
00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:22,736
And I've never heard one queef in a movie.
247
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,281
Zero queef representation in movies.
248
00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:28,742
Thank you.
249
00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:32,913
Also, when I say I'm queefing,
I'm farting.
250
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,375
But I'm telling him it's a queef.
251
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:39,837
'Cause men have absolutely
no clue what a queef is.
252
00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:43,883
If it doesn't smell, you're Gucci.
Get out of there. You got away with it.
253
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,262
Also, when I say I'm squirting,
I'm peeing.
254
00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:58,564
One more note about queefs.
255
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:03,611
Stop saying that I queefed.
256
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:07,323
You queefed me, okay?
257
00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:18,500
And I know that for a fact
because I've never queefed alone.
258
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:23,297
You took your needle dick,
259
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:26,842
and you started pumping me
with air like a basketball.
260
00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:30,512
Sorry you didn't realize
my pussy was so fucking tight
261
00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:34,433
that the air was gonna get trapped,
and you didn't anticipate that.
262
00:15:34,516 --> 00:15:37,728
But don't gaslight me
and tell me that I queefed
263
00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:42,066
when I know for a fact I laid there
and did absolutely nothing.
264
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:51,951
Doggy's crazy.
265
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,037
No, I like doggy because
266
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,664
you can text.
267
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,585
But you kind of leave it up to him.
Like, he needs to figure it out.
268
00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:05,464
And that's when he always,
like, accidentally hits the wrong hole.
269
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,467
And you have to go, "No."
270
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:13,555
But he's pretending like he's
in a dark elevator, clicking every button.
271
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:17,559
Good thing our buttholes
have the reflexes of a ninja.
272
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,436
And they're like…
273
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:25,693
We need realistic sex in movies.
Like, you know when you're riding a guy.
274
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:29,238
Now, ladies, when you're riding a guy,
275
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:31,824
don't worry about
what's going on over here.
276
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:35,953
You focus on him. He has 17 chins.
He's going through an exorcism.
277
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:38,831
What, when you lean over,
you have a couple rolls?
278
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:41,625
Men can't tell when you cut
your hair eight inches, okay?
279
00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:45,254
You do you.
280
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,758
But you know when you're riding a guy…
281
00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:53,762
and you kind of lose your rhythm?
282
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,849
We were like, "Okay, we're a team."
283
00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:59,977
"Let's get this back.
Five, six, seven, eight."
284
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:01,812
"And one and two and three and four."
285
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:06,275
You know when
you're trying to go like this?
286
00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:10,237
But someone gets off, and next thing
you know, you're just going like this?
287
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:14,074
And then he hasn't been in you
for four minutes, and you're just like…
288
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:22,458
My favorite part though
is when you come up
289
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,960
and his dick falls out a little?
290
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,255
And then you snap it like a glow stick.
291
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,469
It hurts. It's scary.
292
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:36,180
Men, you need to speak up.
Stop suffering in silence.
293
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:38,015
It's happening everywhere, okay?
294
00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:40,309
It's happening everywhere.
295
00:17:41,852 --> 00:17:43,312
What are dicks made out of?
296
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:45,898
You have no idea.
297
00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:48,609
- Disappointment.
- Disappointment. That's hilarious.
298
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,695
- What are dicks made out of, babe?
- Collagen.
299
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:52,780
Collagen?
300
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:58,535
Honestly, men will say stuff
so confidently that I'm like, "Collagen."
301
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,496
"He's right. He's right."
302
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:02,247
You know, actually, I don't care.
303
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,459
But I don't wanna snap his dick,
304
00:18:05,542 --> 00:18:06,919
but it's always so funny
305
00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:09,713
'cause they always make that noise,
you know?
306
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:12,299
'Cause they're scared.
I'm scared. We're all scared.
307
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,094
And he always goes…
308
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,514
Then I'm like, "You queefed."
309
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:23,519
I queefed you. I queefed.
310
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:25,437
I queefed.
311
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,858
Anyone ever lost their virginity?
312
00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:33,779
Sluts, a bunch of sluts.
313
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,031
I actually lost it once.
314
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:38,992
And it was fucked up.
315
00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:42,579
It's fine that it was fucked up,
but no one warns you.
316
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:45,457
Society is like, "Oh, my God.
It's this beautiful coming of age."
317
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,251
"You become a woman."
318
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,461
And then a guy with a shrimp dick
319
00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:53,132
rips open your hymen.
320
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:59,096
There's blood everywhere,
and he goes, "Did you come?"
321
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:03,559
And I'm like, "Unless that's come,
I have no clue what just went down."
322
00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:06,895
And orgasming is hard.
323
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:11,191
Like, for a woman to orgasm,
for me specifically to orgasm--
324
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:12,985
She's like, "Yeah.
What are you gonna say?"
325
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,571
My legs have to be perfectly straight.
326
00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:20,075
I have to have zero work emails
on my phone.
327
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,370
And I need to be alone.
328
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:27,875
Thank you.
329
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,629
She's independent.
330
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,425
But shout out to my vibrator.
She does great work.
331
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,178
They're souped up.
332
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:42,639
The technology nowadays,
you can storm a capitol with one of them.
333
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:45,267
And actually get the job done.
334
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,854
Also, the kids are choking now.
335
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,732
Someone goes, "What?" She is.
336
00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:54,526
And this is my thing with choking.
337
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:58,488
How am I gonna come while I'm
also fighting for my life, you know?
338
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:02,159
I understand
some people want pain during sex,
339
00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:03,660
but if you wanna hurt me during sex,
340
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:07,664
just look me in the eye and say,
"I'm disappointed in you."
341
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:11,960
There are some men in the crowd,
which I don't love.
342
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:17,257
No, I'm fine with men being in the crowd
as long as they have a chaperone.
343
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,926
Where's your chaperone, sir? Good.
344
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:20,260
- What's your name?
- Eric.
345
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:22,554
Eric with a C or K?
346
00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:24,681
C. Thank God.
I would have had you kicked out.
347
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,811
I like you at the… at the end.
What's your name, sir?
348
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,314
- Kevin.
- Kevin. With a K?
349
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:37,486
Interesting. Oh, he's coming.
350
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:43,992
So what I love about Kevin,
you have a beard,
351
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,161
a mustache, glasses, and a hat.
352
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,746
Are you in Witness Protection?
353
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:49,790
What did you do?
354
00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:51,875
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
355
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:53,961
That's what someone
who did something would say.
356
00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:56,505
I'll follow up with you later.
357
00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,132
Who's single?
358
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:07,015
We know Isis is single.
359
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:09,893
Can you imagine the dating apps?
360
00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:10,978
Like, what the…?
361
00:21:11,478 --> 00:21:13,939
He's like, "Who's outside?"
She's like, "Isis!"
362
00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:19,111
- But you're single?
- Yes.
363
00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:22,072
- You're single. Are you on the apps?
- I am. Yes.
364
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:23,323
Which apps?
365
00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:25,617
- Hinge and Bumble.
- Hinge and Bumble.
366
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:28,245
- It's a scary place.
- It's a scary place. No, it is.
367
00:21:28,328 --> 00:21:29,496
Hinge is crazy.
368
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:34,501
'Cause Hinge, it asks questions.
You can see people's personalities.
369
00:21:34,584 --> 00:21:38,255
And I like when guys,
like, brag on not-braggy questions.
370
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:40,424
You know, when they're like,
"What's your hobby?"
371
00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,676
and he goes, "I'm a jet-setter."
372
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:46,138
"I travel the globe."
373
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:50,642
"Don't hit me up
unless you wanna see the world."
374
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:54,980
I'm like, "Brad, you went to Panama City
Beach once during spring break."
375
00:21:55,063 --> 00:21:56,857
"Shut the fuck up."
376
00:22:00,193 --> 00:22:03,238
I have really bad taste in men,
but it was never my fault.
377
00:22:03,780 --> 00:22:07,367
And it was never their fault.
It was Disney's fault.
378
00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:12,789
Disney teaches you to be attracted
to the douchiest, most narcissistic guys.
379
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:14,499
It's never the nice guy.
380
00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:17,711
It's the guy coming in on a horse
with a stupid hairdo, like a prince.
381
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:19,338
Doesn't shut up.
382
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:22,174
Actually, name a Disney prince
in the front.
383
00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:24,551
You can yell it out,
and I'll tell you why he's the worst.
384
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:25,469
Eric!
385
00:22:25,552 --> 00:22:28,513
- Prince Eric wanted to fuck a fish. Next.
- Aladdin!
386
00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:32,517
Okay, Aladdin was hot.
387
00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:36,521
Don't love the illegal pet monkey,
but he did pull off purple.
388
00:22:37,564 --> 00:22:40,192
But Aladdin was kind of
like that guy on Hinge.
389
00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:43,862
He was like, "Jasmin, I'm gonna show you
the world on my magic carpet."
390
00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:48,075
He showed her a four-block radius,
lied to her face.
391
00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:50,327
Sandoval, honestly.
392
00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:56,416
Who's another prince?
393
00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:58,960
Oh, Hercules has ED. Um…
394
00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:04,007
Raising awareness.
Prince Charming. Okay, Prince Charming.
395
00:23:04,591 --> 00:23:07,260
Who nicknames themself Prince Charming?
396
00:23:07,344 --> 00:23:08,595
What a little douche.
397
00:23:10,138 --> 00:23:14,017
Then he throws a party with all the women
in the kingdom, right, for himself.
398
00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:18,730
Does a beeline for the girl
who's so blackout, she lost her shoe.
399
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,484
Tells her he loves her that night.
400
00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:25,237
Next morning, can't find her
when she doesn't have makeup on.
401
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,531
He's like, "Where'd she go?
I don't recognize her."
402
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:29,825
Then takes her shoe
403
00:23:29,908 --> 00:23:32,869
and puts it on every single girl's foot
in the kingdom.
404
00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:35,622
Go on WikiFeet like a normal person
with a foot fetish, okay?
405
00:23:35,705 --> 00:23:37,165
Leave these women alone!
406
00:23:38,875 --> 00:23:40,544
Who else?
407
00:23:40,627 --> 00:23:41,795
Okay, Simba.
408
00:23:43,046 --> 00:23:46,591
You guys, don't turn on me.
Simba was a fuckboy.
409
00:23:48,176 --> 00:23:51,304
Simba was such a fuckboy.
First of all, Nala's his cousin.
410
00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:54,516
And he kept, like, hitting on her,
411
00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:58,061
and finally, she was like,
"Okay, Simba, like, I like you."
412
00:23:58,145 --> 00:24:00,897
And he's like, "Whoa. I need to focus
on my career becoming king
413
00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:03,275
because my dad fucked me up. Mm."
414
00:24:08,071 --> 00:24:12,993
Who else? Gaston's obvious.
That's your fault if you fell for Gaston.
415
00:24:13,743 --> 00:24:16,329
- Shrek! Shrek!
- Who-- Shrek.
416
00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:22,836
Look, Shrek is ugly hot.
I would… sit on his face.
417
00:24:26,923 --> 00:24:28,008
Who else?
418
00:24:29,509 --> 00:24:33,680
Flynn Rider sounds like a lacrosse player
who did give me chlamydia.
419
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:37,350
John Smith was a colonizer.
420
00:24:39,394 --> 00:24:41,605
Oh, you guys got tight on that?
That's crazy.
421
00:24:43,190 --> 00:24:45,901
- Captain Hook!
- Captain Hook.
422
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:48,862
Why do I just get turned on?
423
00:24:50,113 --> 00:24:52,240
He just has a rabbit attached to his hand.
424
00:24:58,371 --> 00:25:01,416
I'll end with the Beast.
I'll end with the Beast.
425
00:25:02,083 --> 00:25:03,793
I'm a Beast apologist.
426
00:25:04,961 --> 00:25:06,004
I'm a Beast apologist.
427
00:25:06,087 --> 00:25:09,925
They try to make the Beast like
he's this disgusting, horrible monster.
428
00:25:10,425 --> 00:25:11,885
The Beast is 6'4".
429
00:25:16,014 --> 00:25:17,599
Pulls off capris.
430
00:25:19,309 --> 00:25:21,603
Looks like Travis Kelce.
431
00:25:24,731 --> 00:25:28,068
He's a homeowner
with a mansion and a library.
432
00:25:29,778 --> 00:25:32,697
That's old money. That's "fuck you" money.
433
00:25:33,990 --> 00:25:35,992
I know some
of you guys are like, "Hannah."
434
00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:38,662
"He was super controlling."
435
00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:41,373
"He never let her leave the house."
436
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:44,918
That's my literal dream.
437
00:25:46,127 --> 00:25:47,295
To never leave a mansion
438
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:51,591
and have gay utensils
getting me food the entire time!
439
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,389
Hi, zaddy in the blue.
440
00:25:58,098 --> 00:26:01,142
There's a beautiful bald man right here.
Is that your man?
441
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:02,727
Is that your man?
442
00:26:03,562 --> 00:26:06,106
I'm so jealous of bald men.
443
00:26:06,189 --> 00:26:10,819
It is so shimmery and beautiful,
like a… like a baby dolphin, okay?
444
00:26:10,902 --> 00:26:16,199
I'm so jealous of bald men,
'cause why can't my pussy be that smooth?
445
00:26:16,283 --> 00:26:19,119
It's ingrowns.
I needed a Weedwacker to get here.
446
00:26:19,202 --> 00:26:20,537
I'm half-Italian, okay?
447
00:26:21,663 --> 00:26:23,623
And it's not fair. It's not fair.
448
00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:26,001
'Cause when men are hairy,
you know, it's fine.
449
00:26:26,084 --> 00:26:27,752
You know, they call 'em bears.
450
00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:30,297
You know what
they call girls who are hairy?
451
00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:32,799
Single. And it's not cool.
It's not feminist.
452
00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:36,469
- Where'd you two meet?
- It's my dad.
453
00:26:36,553 --> 00:26:38,847
Oh, it's your dad.
454
00:26:46,730 --> 00:26:47,981
Ladies.
455
00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:02,787
Perfect segue.
456
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:06,791
I actually got married, you guys.
I got married.
457
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:16,092
It's super off-brand for me.
I got married, but it's to an older man.
458
00:27:18,428 --> 00:27:20,263
A zaddy, if you will.
459
00:27:21,848 --> 00:27:25,143
And I love an older man.
I love an older man.
460
00:27:25,226 --> 00:27:27,395
Because they are so tired.
461
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:31,441
They're exhausted.
They're not chasing women on the street.
462
00:27:31,524 --> 00:27:33,276
They're on the verge of arthritis.
463
00:27:34,402 --> 00:27:36,780
You get in a fight with them,
five minutes in, they're like,
464
00:27:36,863 --> 00:27:39,866
"Yeah, whatever you want."
'Cause they wanna go to sleep.
465
00:27:39,949 --> 00:27:42,077
I love that about him.
He's not going out at night.
466
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,412
The only thing going anywhere
is his hairline.
467
00:27:45,914 --> 00:27:47,415
And I love that, clearly.
468
00:27:49,167 --> 00:27:53,171
If you wanna meet an older man,
go to a Walgreens.
469
00:27:54,047 --> 00:27:55,757
Go to the Advil section.
470
00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:58,343
Put some in the palm
of your hand and just go…
471
00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:03,556
They'll limp over like delicate pigeons.
472
00:28:04,516 --> 00:28:05,475
Adorable.
473
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:10,563
We actually… We got engaged in six months.
474
00:28:11,189 --> 00:28:14,359
Yeah. Because he doesn't
have a lot of time left.
475
00:28:15,944 --> 00:28:18,238
I had a bachelorette. It was pretty crazy.
476
00:28:20,448 --> 00:28:22,992
But bachelorettes, they're intense,
you know, right?
477
00:28:23,076 --> 00:28:24,494
I feel like bachelor parties,
478
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:26,454
all the guys do
is see a quarter of a nipple,
479
00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:29,249
and they're like,
"It was the greatest weekend of my life."
480
00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:33,169
I think bachelorettes are cults.
481
00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:35,004
Yeah, for sure.
482
00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:37,549
And if you're quiet right now,
you're in one.
483
00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:40,927
'Cause think about it.
Stephanie chooses you
484
00:28:41,970 --> 00:28:43,847
to be a part of something bigger.
485
00:28:45,056 --> 00:28:47,600
And then she takes you
to an undisclosed location.
486
00:28:47,684 --> 00:28:49,102
Scottsdale, Arizona.
487
00:28:50,311 --> 00:28:53,314
You're dehydrated. You're sunburned.
You're scared. You're blackout.
488
00:28:53,398 --> 00:28:56,025
You've lost $2,000.
You've also lost your job.
489
00:28:57,652 --> 00:29:01,072
If you even look at another bridesmaid
and you're, like…
490
00:29:01,656 --> 00:29:02,782
Isn't this a lot?
491
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:07,871
She'll be like,
"Do you not support Stephanie?"
492
00:29:08,830 --> 00:29:10,206
And I'm like, "No, no, no, no."
493
00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:12,375
"I'm here for Stephanie.
I support Stephanie."
494
00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:16,463
And then you have to give speeches
every night about how great Stephanie is.
495
00:29:16,546 --> 00:29:19,215
I'm like, "This is Stephanie's
third marriage. I'm exhausted."
496
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:21,676
"We're running out of stories, Steph."
497
00:29:23,595 --> 00:29:26,222
And then she makes you
all wear the same bikinis,
498
00:29:26,306 --> 00:29:29,267
even though we all have
different body types. That's abuse.
499
00:29:30,393 --> 00:29:33,188
We have to wear shirts that say,
like, "bitch, bride, tribe, cunt."
500
00:29:33,271 --> 00:29:34,773
I'm like, "How did we get here?"
501
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:39,611
What I'm trying to say
is Scientology started in Charleston,
502
00:29:39,694 --> 00:29:41,321
and no one talks about it.
503
00:29:44,324 --> 00:29:46,409
Nobody talks about it.
504
00:29:46,493 --> 00:29:47,410
Oh!
505
00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:48,578
Take your birth control.
506
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:52,540
Speaking of birth control,
507
00:29:54,292 --> 00:29:57,629
I, um, hooked up with my husband
on our wedding night.
508
00:29:59,214 --> 00:30:02,926
Yeah. Did anyone-- did anyone
not hook up on their wedding night?
509
00:30:04,260 --> 00:30:05,595
Kevin, what happened?
510
00:30:07,472 --> 00:30:11,476
You what? You were--
or you were running from the police.
511
00:30:13,895 --> 00:30:16,189
So you guys played hard to get
on your wedding night.
512
00:30:16,272 --> 00:30:18,274
You were like, "Figure it out tomorrow."
513
00:30:19,609 --> 00:30:21,861
What were you drinking?
What's your drink of choice, Kevin?
514
00:30:21,945 --> 00:30:22,779
Beer.
515
00:30:22,862 --> 00:30:25,740
Beer.
516
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:28,952
You what? You took a what?
517
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,537
A dick pill.
518
00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:32,038
You took a dick pill?
519
00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:35,583
Kevin, I didn't ask about this.
I don't wanna know that.
520
00:30:36,167 --> 00:30:37,502
I asked about your beer.
521
00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:43,216
So you were just
passed out with a rock-hard dick.
522
00:30:44,884 --> 00:30:47,470
And she's like, "Get it--
stop poking me with that."
523
00:30:51,599 --> 00:30:55,311
When did you take the dick pill
in the night? I just wanna know.
524
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:57,564
- At noon.
- At noon?
525
00:30:59,899 --> 00:31:01,651
So you were on the altar just like…
526
00:31:05,071 --> 00:31:09,117
Wait, so you planned
to have a crazy, rip-roaring night
527
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:10,869
of seven hours of sex
528
00:31:10,952 --> 00:31:13,288
and you had two beers,
and you were like…
529
00:31:15,248 --> 00:31:18,167
You know, I support men taking pills.
530
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:22,380
Because we're taking birth control,
Lexapro, Xanax.
531
00:31:22,463 --> 00:31:23,923
Take one fucking dick pill.
532
00:31:26,968 --> 00:31:30,138
Honestly, I think I had sex
on my wedding night 'cause he's sober.
533
00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:32,849
So he was ready to go,
but I realized on my wedding night
534
00:31:33,391 --> 00:31:37,103
that I hadn't taken my birth control
in two weeks.
535
00:31:37,937 --> 00:31:41,190
And my friend Paige. You guys know Paige.
536
00:31:43,318 --> 00:31:45,403
So she blacked out at my wedding.
537
00:31:45,486 --> 00:31:48,031
Stumbled over to me
with her long little fingers.
538
00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:49,699
And she was like,
539
00:31:49,782 --> 00:31:51,951
"You're gonna get pregnant
on your wedding night."
540
00:31:53,411 --> 00:31:57,373
And you know when,
like, you can't not believe her?
541
00:31:57,457 --> 00:32:01,127
'Cause if you do, you're like, "Why didn't
I fucking listen to that blackout bitch?"
542
00:32:02,795 --> 00:32:06,507
I am so bad with my birth control.
I'll miss two days, I'll take four.
543
00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:09,594
I miss five days, I'll take seven.
544
00:32:10,386 --> 00:32:13,932
I'll miss a week, and I'll just put one
up my butthole. I'm like, "I'm on track."
545
00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,685
Does anyone cheat with an IUD?
546
00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:19,395
- Do you have an IUD?
- Yes.
547
00:32:19,479 --> 00:32:21,814
What kind do you have?
Copper, silver, rose gold?
548
00:32:21,898 --> 00:32:23,650
- Kyleena.
- Kyleena.
549
00:32:23,733 --> 00:32:28,780
Why is it always a hot girl's name?
It's like, "Kyleena." "Mirela."
550
00:32:29,822 --> 00:32:30,949
Did it hurt?
551
00:32:31,032 --> 00:32:33,159
- Worst of my life.
- Ooh!
552
00:32:33,242 --> 00:32:35,828
I feel like they don't warn you
how much it hurts.
553
00:32:35,912 --> 00:32:39,499
I feel like a doctor takes a paperclip,
and it's like, "Hold on one second."
554
00:32:39,582 --> 00:32:41,417
Walk it off.
555
00:32:42,627 --> 00:32:46,214
When men get vasectomies,
they get airlifted to the Bahamas.
556
00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:50,718
A nurse is cupping his balls.
She's like, "You're doing amazing."
557
00:32:51,552 --> 00:32:54,681
"Cough if you need. I'll feed you grapes."
558
00:32:57,475 --> 00:33:00,228
So I realize the night
of my wedding…
559
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,730
…that, um, I was ovulating.
560
00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:04,941
I'll explain what that is
to you later, Kevin.
561
00:33:06,734 --> 00:33:09,612
And the next morning,
I was like, "I need to wake this guy up."
562
00:33:09,696 --> 00:33:10,905
"We have a problem."
563
00:33:11,906 --> 00:33:13,950
He's old, so whenever I wake him up,
I'm always like,
564
00:33:14,659 --> 00:33:15,785
"Are you alive?"
565
00:33:19,288 --> 00:33:21,082
He's like, "What?"
566
00:33:21,165 --> 00:33:23,459
I'm like, "Do you wanna have a baby?"
567
00:33:24,544 --> 00:33:27,797
And he's like, "I kind of
wanna travel for two to three years."
568
00:33:28,881 --> 00:33:32,593
And I'm like, "You're 47.
Where the fuck haven't you been?"
569
00:33:33,594 --> 00:33:35,430
You wanna go to Mars, Jeff Bezos?
570
00:33:35,513 --> 00:33:38,182
Like, who do you think you are?
Carmen Sandiego?
571
00:33:39,142 --> 00:33:42,812
I go, "You know what?
Let's travel to Walgreens,
572
00:33:42,895 --> 00:33:46,107
your favorite place,
'cause I need to get Plan B."
573
00:33:47,066 --> 00:33:49,986
Now, I don't care how many times
you've been to this Walgreens,
574
00:33:50,069 --> 00:33:51,362
when you go for Plan B,
575
00:33:51,446 --> 00:33:54,449
you've never seen
this establishment before.
576
00:33:54,532 --> 00:33:57,618
It's dark. It's haunted.
It smells different.
577
00:33:57,702 --> 00:33:59,746
You're full main-character energy
when you walk in.
578
00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:01,622
You're always like…
579
00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:05,293
How can I get pregnant
as a teenager?
580
00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:08,504
What am I gonna do?
581
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:13,593
And then you go up to the guy
who hates you, and you're like,
582
00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:16,345
"Do you have Plan B?"
583
00:34:17,597 --> 00:34:20,767
And he's like, "What?"
And you're like, "Plan B."
584
00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:22,894
He's like, "Hold on one sec."
585
00:34:23,686 --> 00:34:25,897
"Disheveled girl in aisle six
586
00:34:26,564 --> 00:34:29,400
is irresponsible with her pussy lips."
587
00:34:30,359 --> 00:34:32,528
"And she needs Plan B."
588
00:34:32,612 --> 00:34:35,198
And he's like, "Let's go
to the family planning aisle."
589
00:34:35,281 --> 00:34:38,576
And I'm like, "No, no, no.
I need the family unplanning aisle."
590
00:34:40,661 --> 00:34:45,458
And then you get there,
and it's locked up like Fort Knox.
591
00:34:45,541 --> 00:34:48,419
They're locking up everything nowadays,
like multivitamins.
592
00:34:48,503 --> 00:34:50,963
Who's tweaking on a multivitamin?
593
00:34:53,049 --> 00:34:56,427
And then he tries to open it up
and you're like, "Be quiet about it."
594
00:34:56,511 --> 00:35:00,098
And then he takes, like, a power tool,
and he's like…
595
00:35:00,723 --> 00:35:03,768
Um… and then he gives it to you,
596
00:35:03,851 --> 00:35:05,853
and you're like,
"Thank you. I'm a teenager."
597
00:35:07,396 --> 00:35:09,899
And then when you go outside
to open it up,
598
00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:13,194
it has seven layers
599
00:35:13,277 --> 00:35:16,989
of the hardest plastic
I've ever seen in my life.
600
00:35:17,949 --> 00:35:19,951
And I don't walk around with a chainsaw.
601
00:35:21,744 --> 00:35:24,080
I'm trying to get rid of my maybe-baby.
602
00:35:25,832 --> 00:35:28,459
Anyway, that's how I lost my virginity.
It was crazy.
603
00:35:32,755 --> 00:35:34,215
That's the thing with an older man.
604
00:35:34,298 --> 00:35:38,261
He is-- he is deteriorating emotionally
and physically,
605
00:35:38,344 --> 00:35:39,679
which is the goal.
606
00:35:41,013 --> 00:35:43,558
Like, before we got married,
he really annoyed me
607
00:35:43,641 --> 00:35:46,477
because we went
to a fancy Italian restaurant.
608
00:35:46,561 --> 00:35:49,105
This small restaurant.
I ordered a burrata.
609
00:35:49,188 --> 00:35:50,857
Do you guys have burrata in Philly?
610
00:35:52,608 --> 00:35:55,903
Oh, I love burrata.
Three things better than sex.
611
00:35:55,987 --> 00:35:57,071
Burrata.
612
00:35:57,697 --> 00:35:59,615
Q-tip in your ear,
613
00:36:00,783 --> 00:36:02,952
'cause it's naughty.
614
00:36:03,035 --> 00:36:05,371
And revenge. I fucking love revenge.
615
00:36:08,207 --> 00:36:10,877
So, I ordered the burrata.
I open it up. It's like…
616
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:12,044
You know…
617
00:36:13,212 --> 00:36:16,674
He looks at me,
and he's like, "I think I'm gonna faint."
618
00:36:18,009 --> 00:36:21,304
And I'm like, "I know.
This burrata is so good."
619
00:36:22,638 --> 00:36:26,100
And he's like, "No, like,
could you call an ambulance?"
620
00:36:26,893 --> 00:36:29,687
And you know
when that's just, like, not the vibe?
621
00:36:31,606 --> 00:36:32,565
I start Googling.
622
00:36:32,648 --> 00:36:34,859
I'm like, "How do
you even call an ambulance?"
623
00:36:35,359 --> 00:36:39,113
Is there, like, a quiet ambulance
or, like, a Zoom or, like, a telehealth?
624
00:36:39,780 --> 00:36:41,991
And he's like,
"Can you just get the waitress?"
625
00:36:42,491 --> 00:36:47,496
And I'm like, "I'm not getting other
people involved in your shit right now."
626
00:36:48,623 --> 00:36:52,084
And finally, he hails down the waitress,
and she starts freaking out.
627
00:36:52,168 --> 00:36:55,254
She starts calling.
She's like, "911, a man needs 911!"
628
00:36:55,338 --> 00:36:57,465
Everyone in the restaurant's upset.
They're getting up.
629
00:36:57,548 --> 00:36:58,758
Some people are fanning him.
630
00:36:58,841 --> 00:37:01,219
He's loving the attention.
He's like…
631
00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:04,013
Then, for the ambulance people to come,
632
00:37:04,096 --> 00:37:07,391
they had to, like,
take the table away with my burrata.
633
00:37:09,268 --> 00:37:10,937
And I'm like, "Okay."
634
00:37:11,938 --> 00:37:15,691
We also have to pay for this food,
and I forgot my wallet in my other coat.
635
00:37:17,068 --> 00:37:18,361
So I was like, "Babe."
636
00:37:20,905 --> 00:37:21,739
"Babe."
637
00:37:24,533 --> 00:37:26,160
"Babe, I need your wallet."
638
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:30,498
He popped up, and he's like, "I'm fucking
dying here. You need my fucking wallet?"
639
00:37:30,581 --> 00:37:33,417
And the guy next to him is like,
"Don't speak to your daughter like that."
640
00:37:40,508 --> 00:37:42,468
I'm like, "Thanks, Dad."
641
00:37:43,302 --> 00:37:46,514
"We need to leave a hefty tip
after the shit you pulled tonight."
642
00:37:48,683 --> 00:37:50,434
And then the EMT lady came,
643
00:37:50,518 --> 00:37:53,354
and she knew exactly what was going on.
644
00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:55,606
I looked at her. She looked at me.
645
00:37:55,690 --> 00:37:59,151
He was having
an amateur-hour panic attack.
646
00:38:00,486 --> 00:38:02,196
Now, as a hot girl,
647
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:05,491
that's just how we wake up
in the morning, okay?
648
00:38:06,033 --> 00:38:09,453
I've had four panic attacks
on stage tonight.
649
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:13,249
And you know what we do?
We suck it the fuck up!
650
00:38:16,419 --> 00:38:19,255
But it's not men's fault, okay?
651
00:38:19,338 --> 00:38:22,758
'Cause if they feel
any emotion besides anger, they're like…
652
00:38:23,467 --> 00:38:25,052
"Could you call 911?"
653
00:38:28,055 --> 00:38:31,434
So she looked at him, and she was like,
"You know, you're gonna be fine."
654
00:38:31,517 --> 00:38:33,853
"Um, are you nervous about anything?"
655
00:38:34,603 --> 00:38:38,524
And he was like, "I am nervous
about getting married in a couple months."
656
00:38:39,275 --> 00:38:41,652
And I was like,
"Oh, now we're playing the blame game."
657
00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:45,614
And she's like, "Look,
you don't have to go to the hospital."
658
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:49,076
"Stop drinking so much Diet Coke.
Drink the water, breathe."
659
00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:50,411
"You're gonna be fine."
660
00:38:50,494 --> 00:38:54,582
He's like, "Yeah, okay, I don't have to
go to the hospital. I feel better."
661
00:38:54,665 --> 00:38:57,293
And I'm like, "This is so embarrassing."
662
00:38:58,127 --> 00:39:00,921
So everyone goes back to their seat,
and I'm like, "What is he gonna do?"
663
00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,090
Like, "How is he gonna get out of this?"
664
00:39:03,632 --> 00:39:08,220
This man stands up, and he goes,
"It wasn't the food. Have a good night."
665
00:39:09,472 --> 00:39:11,974
And I'm like, "Did he just have a closer?"
666
00:39:18,230 --> 00:39:20,191
My dad thinks I'm on my phone too much.
667
00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:24,278
He's like, "You're addicted to your phone.
You're always on your phone."
668
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:26,072
I'm like, "Dad,
you're always on your phone."
669
00:39:26,155 --> 00:39:29,992
"'Cause you text with your index finger.
It takes you fucking forever."
670
00:39:31,452 --> 00:39:33,621
I'm on TikTok a lot. I am. I'm on TikTok.
671
00:39:34,121 --> 00:39:36,791
What's interesting to me,
who's not on TikTok?
672
00:39:38,834 --> 00:39:42,838
Okay, why are you not on TikTok?
Are you afraid to know who you really are?
673
00:39:42,922 --> 00:39:44,256
I'm 38.
674
00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:47,218
You're 38, a young spring chicken.
675
00:39:48,427 --> 00:39:51,680
- Are you on Reels?
- No, but Instagram.
676
00:39:51,764 --> 00:39:54,433
Like, I'm not even on Snapchat.
677
00:39:54,517 --> 00:39:56,394
You should not be on Snapchat. You're 38.
678
00:40:00,147 --> 00:40:03,109
It's just 22-year-old dongs on Snapchat.
679
00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:07,238
If you're on Reels,
I feel like Reels is like Juuling.
680
00:40:07,321 --> 00:40:10,491
TikTok is cigarettes. We're all gonna die.
681
00:40:11,742 --> 00:40:14,328
Also, if you're on Reels,
that means you just found out
682
00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:17,289
that Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian
broke up, and I love that for you.
683
00:40:18,165 --> 00:40:19,333
Love that for you.
684
00:40:20,376 --> 00:40:21,919
Do you see the kids still doing dances?
685
00:40:22,002 --> 00:40:24,338
Like, it's been a while.
They're dancing a little too long.
686
00:40:25,005 --> 00:40:27,049
I was wondering,
I'm like, "Why are they doing this"?
687
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:31,345
And then I realized, I think these kids
are communicating with each other.
688
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:33,931
To overtake us.
689
00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:37,351
And this is a violent motion.
690
00:40:38,185 --> 00:40:40,104
You just saw my labia. That was crazy.
691
00:40:42,189 --> 00:40:43,315
But think about it.
692
00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:46,277
These kids are strong.
Like, they survived Tide Pods.
693
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:47,820
They're sturdy in a fight.
694
00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:53,117
And they're smart. Like, when they were
at restaurants, they had their iPads.
695
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:55,995
Three years old.
Beep-beep. Beep-beep-beep.
696
00:40:56,078 --> 00:40:58,706
Fuck you, Mom. Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
697
00:40:58,789 --> 00:41:00,875
When I was two at a restaurant,
I was trying to see
698
00:41:00,958 --> 00:41:04,837
how many butter packets
I could shove in my face without puking.
699
00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:09,967
My dad's like, "Nine.
That's my girl. She's gonna go far."
700
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:12,595
Do you guys know Jeremy?
701
00:41:13,554 --> 00:41:15,514
I babysat this kid named Jeremy.
702
00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:18,058
I hate this kid.
703
00:41:19,143 --> 00:41:23,230
I'd have to bribe him to do everything.
I'd be like, "Jeremy."
704
00:41:23,314 --> 00:41:25,983
"If you finish your math homework,
you get chocolate ice cream."
705
00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:28,068
He said, "Shut up, slut."
706
00:41:29,778 --> 00:41:32,781
I was like, "Jeremy, don't talk to me
like that, or you're gonna turn me on."
707
00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:36,160
We're having fun.
It's Saturday. We're having fun.
708
00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:44,835
What if I did that?
That would be crazy. Every time…
709
00:41:45,628 --> 00:41:47,630
Anyway, back to me, um…
710
00:41:48,672 --> 00:41:51,425
- I have intimacy issues.
- Don't we all.
711
00:41:51,509 --> 00:41:52,676
Do you like to cuddle?
712
00:41:53,511 --> 00:41:56,555
You do? Do you like
to be the big or small spoon?
713
00:41:56,639 --> 00:41:58,641
Both. He's verse. He's freaky.
714
00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:03,229
Actually, as a girl,
it's a lot more complicated
715
00:42:03,312 --> 00:42:06,524
when we're the small spoon.
Lots of things can go wrong.
716
00:42:07,483 --> 00:42:10,736
Think about it. First, you have to get
into a weird little fetal position, right?
717
00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:12,696
Then you have to move your hair,
718
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,782
so it's out of his face
but still looks cute.
719
00:42:14,865 --> 00:42:15,824
You're like, "Hey!"
720
00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:20,287
And then he takes his big dumb hand.
721
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:23,374
And he always puts it right here.
722
00:42:26,377 --> 00:42:27,836
Gut check.
723
00:42:28,462 --> 00:42:30,631
You have to suck in
like you've never sucked in before.
724
00:42:30,714 --> 00:42:32,258
You're like, "I'm so little, so tiny."
725
00:42:32,341 --> 00:42:34,927
"I'm so little."
726
00:42:35,010 --> 00:42:37,638
He's like, "Are you comfortable?"
You're like, "Sucking up my rolls!"
727
00:42:38,681 --> 00:42:42,059
But as you're sucking in,
God forbid a little air wants to come out.
728
00:42:42,768 --> 00:42:45,104
Your butt is right on his penis.
729
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,147
The whole relationship is on the line.
730
00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:48,232
It's so much pressure,
731
00:42:48,315 --> 00:42:51,360
and you can't sweat even though
there's a hot body lying on you.
732
00:42:51,443 --> 00:42:54,697
So hold your pores.
Hold your butthole. Just go…
733
00:42:55,447 --> 00:42:57,783
There's a zero percent chance
you're falling asleep.
734
00:42:58,617 --> 00:43:03,664
Meanwhile, he falls asleep immediately.
735
00:43:03,747 --> 00:43:08,752
The second his head hits the pillow,
he's like…
736
00:43:08,836 --> 00:43:12,172
'Cause he's so tired
from gaslighting all day. It's crazy.
737
00:43:17,970 --> 00:43:19,513
But I like to pivot.
738
00:43:19,597 --> 00:43:22,891
I like to pivot
and put my head on his chest.
739
00:43:22,975 --> 00:43:25,686
Life hack. Then you can lift a butt cheek.
740
00:43:26,353 --> 00:43:28,355
The air comes out silent.
741
00:43:29,398 --> 00:43:32,109
You pray it's not sulfuric. You pray.
742
00:43:32,860 --> 00:43:35,487
You don't wanna Oppenheimer
his entire bedroom.
743
00:43:36,780 --> 00:43:38,198
If it smells, you blame the dog.
744
00:43:38,282 --> 00:43:40,993
I don't know why
there's always a dog staring at you.
745
00:43:41,785 --> 00:43:44,079
He's like, "Ever since I met you,
the dog's been
746
00:43:44,163 --> 00:43:45,873
having a lot of stomach issues."
747
00:43:46,832 --> 00:43:48,584
And I'm like,
"You should get that checked."
748
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,921
But I love to put my head on his chest.
It feels so good.
749
00:43:53,005 --> 00:43:56,467
Because you feel his heart beating,
and you're like, "This is love."
750
00:43:57,509 --> 00:43:59,678
And you feel his chest go up and down.
751
00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:05,059
And you're like, "Wouldn't it
be so cute if I matched my breath
752
00:44:05,976 --> 00:44:07,603
with his breath,
753
00:44:08,395 --> 00:44:10,147
and we became one soul,
754
00:44:10,981 --> 00:44:14,443
taking on this harsh,
cold, scary world together?"
755
00:44:15,110 --> 00:44:16,236
But then, as you're doing it…
756
00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:23,285
You're like deejaying your breath
to his breath.
757
00:44:24,161 --> 00:44:27,289
You know when you're going too slow
and you feel like…
758
00:44:27,956 --> 00:44:30,459
You're really trying
to catch up.
759
00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:32,127
You're fighting for your life.
760
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:34,213
You kind of forget how to fucking breathe.
761
00:44:34,296 --> 00:44:36,799
There's no air going in or out.
You could die.
762
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:39,843
The dog's like, "Die, bitch, please die."
763
00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:44,431
Yeah.
764
00:44:46,141 --> 00:44:48,811
Also, sex in the shower. Don't do it.
765
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:51,271
Don't. Don't.
766
00:44:51,355 --> 00:44:53,399
Don't. Kevin, don't.
767
00:44:54,358 --> 00:44:56,318
Don't have sex in the shower, okay?
768
00:44:56,402 --> 00:44:58,904
'Cause guys and girls
like different temperatures.
769
00:44:58,987 --> 00:45:02,074
Girls like it lava hot
'cause we're related to Satan.
770
00:45:03,033 --> 00:45:05,369
And guys like it lukewarm
'cause they're confused.
771
00:45:05,452 --> 00:45:07,037
They don't know what's going on.
772
00:45:07,579 --> 00:45:09,915
Then you go to his bathroom.
He's not gonna have conditioner,
773
00:45:09,998 --> 00:45:12,334
which is disrespectful.
774
00:45:13,085 --> 00:45:14,795
Doesn't support women in the arts.
775
00:45:15,713 --> 00:45:17,881
Or he has the three in one.
776
00:45:18,632 --> 00:45:20,884
Which should be called zero.
777
00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:23,804
'Cause I'm dirtier after using it.
778
00:45:24,763 --> 00:45:29,059
And it always has these insane names.
It's like Rock Hard Mountain.
779
00:45:30,686 --> 00:45:33,147
Punch a Wall Pinewood.
780
00:45:33,689 --> 00:45:35,607
Throbbing Thunder.
781
00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:37,901
Like, is this an Andrew Tate haiku?
782
00:45:40,654 --> 00:45:43,240
You know when he's taking up
all the shower water
783
00:45:43,323 --> 00:45:45,117
and you're just, like,
freezing your tits off,
784
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:48,746
and you're like, "How do I become Jack
at the end of the Titanic?"
785
00:45:49,371 --> 00:45:51,582
There's room for me here.
786
00:45:52,082 --> 00:45:53,917
You have to distract him
787
00:45:54,001 --> 00:45:57,045
and take your hair
and put it on the back of his shower wall.
788
00:45:58,005 --> 00:46:00,632
This is how we mark our territory.
It's female graffiti.
789
00:46:00,716 --> 00:46:03,260
Put your fucking initials
if you're feeling artsy.
790
00:46:04,553 --> 00:46:07,431
'Cause he's never washed that wall,
and he never will.
791
00:46:09,016 --> 00:46:12,644
Also, don't do anal in the shower.
792
00:46:13,270 --> 00:46:16,523
It will hurt so bad, my f-friend told me.
793
00:46:22,696 --> 00:46:25,574
Once a guy texted me to sit on his face.
794
00:46:25,657 --> 00:46:27,075
That's not straightforward.
795
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:30,037
No one tells you, you don't actually sit
796
00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:33,081
on the guy's face.
797
00:46:33,165 --> 00:46:35,751
You have to do this weird, like, hover.
798
00:46:37,211 --> 00:46:39,963
Like you're at a Porta Potti
at Coachella, okay?
799
00:46:40,547 --> 00:46:44,593
Oh. You gotta use your pelvis,
get your core in.
800
00:46:46,011 --> 00:46:50,766
Do I like the fact that I can suffocate
a tiny man with my labia? Absolutely.
801
00:46:52,309 --> 00:46:54,019
He's having trouble.
He can't find your clit.
802
00:46:54,102 --> 00:46:56,855
He's on your kneecap,
and you're like, "This feels so good."
803
00:46:58,732 --> 00:47:01,527
You're patting his forehead.
He looks like a Ninja Turtle.
804
00:47:04,279 --> 00:47:06,615
Then, you know, halfway through,
you just start spacing out
805
00:47:06,698 --> 00:47:08,242
at the white wall in front of you
806
00:47:09,409 --> 00:47:12,037
And you're like,
"How did we get here, Hannah?"
807
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:15,666
Where is his headboard?
808
00:47:17,835 --> 00:47:19,837
Is that a Mike Tyson poster?
809
00:47:21,296 --> 00:47:24,007
Why is his name Eric with a C?
810
00:47:26,301 --> 00:47:29,429
You guys think I should have kids?
811
00:47:29,513 --> 00:47:32,266
I'll make a decision based on
what you guys say right now. I'll do it.
812
00:47:34,226 --> 00:47:35,561
Okay, I'm getting a lot of mixed.
813
00:47:35,644 --> 00:47:38,438
You're pointing at your daughter
right now, saying "no"?
814
00:47:38,522 --> 00:47:41,567
She's gonna be funny,
have a good sense of humor. I like that.
815
00:47:41,650 --> 00:47:42,568
She's like…
816
00:47:43,986 --> 00:47:46,446
But I do feel like I get mixed--
817
00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:48,991
I get a lot of mixed messages from moms.
818
00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:52,202
They'll be like,
"It's the happiest you'll ever be,
819
00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:54,162
but you'll never be happy again."
820
00:47:55,289 --> 00:47:56,999
And I'm like,
what kind of fucking riddle--
821
00:47:57,082 --> 00:47:59,042
- You're a mom?
- Yeah.
822
00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:01,587
I actually became an aunt, though.
I'm an aunt. So I'm an aunt.
823
00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:04,298
I'm an auntie.
824
00:48:05,215 --> 00:48:07,342
I love when people congratulate me.
825
00:48:07,926 --> 00:48:09,595
'Cause my brother made a mistake.
826
00:48:11,221 --> 00:48:13,724
No, I'm just kidding.
He did it on purpose, and I know that.
827
00:48:13,807 --> 00:48:16,351
'Cause him and his wife
were going around being like,
828
00:48:16,977 --> 00:48:20,230
"We're trying. We're trying."
829
00:48:20,314 --> 00:48:22,274
And I'm like, "Oh!"
830
00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:27,404
Just tell people you're raw dogging.
Stop romanticizing it.
831
00:48:27,487 --> 00:48:29,698
Me and you are doing the same.
You're praying for a baby.
832
00:48:29,781 --> 00:48:31,825
I'm praying to not have a baby.
833
00:48:32,784 --> 00:48:34,494
One more thing about abortion.
834
00:48:36,163 --> 00:48:39,041
Have you guys seen Nick Cannon?
835
00:48:40,667 --> 00:48:43,837
Has he come to Philly?
Close your pussies. It's crazy out there.
836
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:47,633
He has 12 children
with six different women.
837
00:48:48,216 --> 00:48:51,887
I actually wasn't that judgey. I was like,
"Go off, Nick Cannon, do your thing."
838
00:48:51,970 --> 00:48:55,474
Until I saw the name
of one of these children.
839
00:48:56,642 --> 00:48:58,268
It's a beautiful name.
It was weird for me.
840
00:48:58,352 --> 00:49:00,228
The name is Powerful Queen.
841
00:49:01,813 --> 00:49:02,856
That's an adjective.
842
00:49:04,900 --> 00:49:08,946
It was the full name that really got me.
The full name is Powerful Queen Cannon.
843
00:49:11,198 --> 00:49:13,742
Because that's the name
of my vibrator.
844
00:49:15,410 --> 00:49:19,039
Thank you so much, Philadelphia!
845
00:49:22,417 --> 00:49:24,711
I love you guys so much!
846
00:49:56,451 --> 00:50:00,455
They told me I could stand up here
for, like, ten seconds. I love you, babe.
847
00:50:13,927 --> 00:50:17,556
♪ 'Cause all I do is slay, slay all day ♪
848
00:50:17,639 --> 00:50:19,599
♪ Slaying anything
And anyone that's in my way ♪
849
00:50:19,683 --> 00:50:20,684
♪ You just good ♪
850
00:50:20,767 --> 00:50:24,438
♪ But I'm so great
Do whatever it takes, all I do is slay ♪